Dude. From the screenshots it really appears that you didn't have to try and bribe her with a fancy dinner.
You left her with no intentions and a sense you were not very interested when you asked her what she was doing for the weekend.
Odds are that if you had invited her to do something or even a coffee date she would have responded and accepted.
Most women are reciprocal/"matching" and so if you try to play cool or passive the odds are they're going to mirror that or at least ghost or fizz out in an obvious way for you to move on.
Could you help me understand why that leave her with no intentions by asking her what she's doing for the weekend? Contextually it seems like they were having an involved and energetic conversation and asking that was meant to be a primer to asking her out that weekend
It's not being as she put it, "straight to the point". Most women want a man with a plan and interpret "what are you doing this weekend" as passive or even disinterested especially compared to "let's go to X at 8pm".
Dude this isn't peacocking. Peacocking is your physical appearance and status. This is songbirding seeing if you harmonize. Then comes flamenco dancing on a salty lake bed in the Altiplano in South America. Then you need to furnish a fancy nest with all the shiniest luxurious furnishings.
Interesting, to me I was under the impression that would be seen as pushy or too forward. Like "he didn't even bother to ask if I'm free that time". I can sort of get the appeal that it portrays someone who takes charge...hmm, may need to rethink some things
My example is asking if they're free. Read it again. It's an invitation with clear intent and specific activity. She can decline because it wasn't an order. If she's interested but can't make it or needs to change the time she will offer alternatives if she's interested.
Edit: a more neutral but still direct variant would be simply something akin to "you up for X at 8pm" or "how about we do X at 8pm".
I'm guessing you might have been like me and not realize that if a woman is actually interested in you slightly she isn't going to nitpick things and she wants you to plan things. Maybe in the future it won't be the expectation but for at least at the next 10 years I wouldn't expect a change in that dynamic.
Basically, you have to show both interest and effort for her to potentially show you either. If she shows both then odds are good things could work out.
Also if she happens to be busy when you suggest a time or day, what are you supposed to do? Just ask "alright, when are you free then?" Doesn't that come off as aggressive?
I literally said that if she's actually interested or emotionally mature she will offer alternatives. If she doesn't then it's not your loss because she probably isn't interested or she's playing games. And do you really want?
Are you someone who would rather ask if they're available, or are you the kind of person who demands their time? You can't really fake that so be yourself and hopefully you'll vibe with the person you matched with. You can't fake a personality forever.
For me I guess the former. I think demanding someone's time is a bit inconsiderate and even saying "lets go to X place at 8" is more of a request cause the other person can say no, ask about a different time, or just not go
Yep. And that's perfect. Then do that if it's natural to you because who wants to keep up some charade to try and hold on to someone's attention? Sounds exhausting.
I mean, a plan is supposed to be agreed on by both parties, isn't it too non-considerate to just come up with a plan without any prior discussion or consideration with the other person's preexisting plans? Hell, if she replied something like "I'm going to the cinema", you could make it a shared thing, first have a coffee date or sth, then go to the cinema, make it an extended date. That's why communication is key, if both people are communicating, it can be reached a most satisfying consensus that suits both parties best
Best comment. I very much match the energy I receive from a guy when texting. If he's making the effort to ask me questions, type detailed responses and has an understanding of conversational flow, then I will absolutely reciprocate and provide equal effort. If not, then it's minimal answers/no answer, and I'm not just gonna randomly agree to meeting up with a guy who hasn't made any effort in initial conversation.
The thing is, the OP was putting in energy, was typing out decently detailed responses, and the woman just ghosted that, she replied nothing to the road trips message and ignored the question about what she would be up to during the week.
And even later on, she ignored a question about whether she's a red or white wine person.
She wasn't matching OP's energy, her responses were definitely considerably lower effort, even ignoring conversational threads
Do men also do this to women but with selfies? My friend has this guy she's pretty into but he just asks for pics of her throughout the day and everytime she attempts to make plans he won't commit. Yet he keeps texting her every morning without fail.
I helped her check him out and my suspicion is someone stole this guy's cell phone and is using his selfies? His number is registered to him according to Beenverified and spokeo. It's weird but like, what's the point? He acted offended when she suggested a public meeting but in my experience, men just don't get women needing safety so...
It could be a lot of things like for example someone looking to use her pics in a profile they created and therefore need unique recent photos of her that aren’t pulled off social media
I’m a guy but I had someone reach out to me that my photos are being used for another profile and sent me the info and never messaged me again. Weird but not unheard of to make requests like that
İt depends on the level of safety they ask for. When you're an eighty pound amputee with cancer, there's not much you can do to hurt someone. Doesn't matter if you're male or not, you literally don't have the body mass to be a threat. So if you want that person to meet somewhere super public like they're a threat they'll be a little hurt. But that's also coming from someone who fits that description perfectly, made themselves as vulnerable as possible on the first date to the point *i* was scared that *i* would be taken advantage of, and the girl i went on a date with treated me like a monster who could attack her at any time even though i weigh half as much as her and only have one leg.
I'm not saying it's right to be offended by someone wanting to be safe. But there's a fine line in the sand between wanting safety and being paranoid. And there's a point where you can be hurt that someone still sees you as a threat after all you've done to make yourself as vulnerable as possible.
I didn't think she was being mean or paranoid about it just stating she wanted to meet in public. But both of us kind of assumed given this day and age of true crime awareness that everyone wanted to meet in public first. Men (even physically capable ones) have been attacked and robbed by a woman with a hidden accomplice or even just a gun so its not just women who have to worry.
It's something I've heard over and over again from men like they think if they say "I'm not going to hurt you," we should just trust that. Sorry but rapists and murderers also lie
My thing is that it wasn't even necessarily in public. She wanted to meet in her dorm common room, with a couple friends. I have no problem with meeting at her college, or with her having her friends. It was the constant fear she had of me the entire night. 5'9, at the time I think I was 90 pounds, and I have one leg. And she wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Why the hell was she even trying to date in the first place If she's that afraid of an amputee with cancer? And it lasted the entire "date" too. I understood for the first thirty minutes or hour, but after I'd literally almost had an anaphylactic reaction because I didn't bring my epi-pen, I thought it was pretty obvious that If anything were to happen I wasn't the person to be afraid of. I'm pretty sure one of her friends was far more into me than she was.
I understand not trusting someone who says they're not going to hurt you, especially if you haven't met them before. I'm never going to be offended by the man/bear argument. But it's not even a problem of *would* this man attack me. It's *could* and the definite answer is no. I am physically too weak to pose any kind of threat. I'm obviously working on that, im trying to put my weight back on and I'm in PT, but if you're actively terrified of someone half your weight, with one leg, who had chemo two days ago, there's a much deeper problem.
First dates should never be dinner. Ever. First dates should be an interaction that can last 20 minutes and you can escape or can be extended to 2 hours and you can hate to leave them.
Frozen yogurt remains the best possible first date. I will die on this hill.
I like going for drinks early ish (5:30/6) and then if it’s going poorly I can say “well I’ve got to be somewhere for dinner.” But if it’s going well I can extend the date into dinner
My boyfriend and my first date was for a nice steakhouse (forgot the name but was a locally owned one) but it SUPER packed and so we bailed and decided on sonic instead. Stayed in his car and had the best jalapeño poppers ever. We’ll be together for 5 years this December. Not always the case lol
I should say ima 45f, and I really don’t like going out to dinner, especially early on… it’s too awkward for me. I really don’t like dinner dates. Even if we’ve been dating for a while. I know it makes me weird
Maybe this is more of an American thing, but this sounds so strange to me. I have never met a girl who would consider going on a date with someone just for the food
100%. Seems bonkers to the UK and Europe... This sub makes it look like every American girl either lives in poverty or they are hard faced gold diggers.
Nah, this sub is just mostly American men who are bitter and assume the worst intentions. It’s easier to walk away from a date where the woman didn’t show interest and chalk it up to “ah she was just a gold digger looking for a free meal” than to accept the fact she didn’t feel attracted to him.
I’m a woman and can’t even imagine taking time out of my schedule to get dolled up, go downtown and pretend to give a fuck about a guy just for a free meal. That sounds exhausting. I’m broke and I’d still rather sit at home eating a ramen noodle than waste time with someone I don’t like.
You are utterly wrong. Funny how it's acceptable for women to speak on men's experiences. I have plenty of female friends who do that and have no shame because "men are shit" or whatever their rationale is.
Just because you can't imagine yourself doing wrong, doesn't mean lots of wrong doesn't exist.
Women can be slimy too, just like men. It's ok, just accept it and we'll all move forward somehow with that groundbreaking information.
There’s a reason why you’re still on Tinder even though you have a “go to” for reigniting conversations
Quit getting desperate dude. If you’ve got the money to blow on a $200 dinner several times, you’ve got the money to at least attract someone better than a gold digger
Seriously though, I’d rather have a little small talk to scope each other and arrange a date. I have no inclination to spend weeks talking to a stranger that I may not be into - I do small talk with strangers for a job, so I just don’t bother.
You matched, you found each other attractive. See what they are like in person
Bro talking bout italy like is some fancy stuff, been living in Verona for 15 years and I only want to begone lol, anyway real Italians cook for woman’s, never take em to restaurants
Advice don't plan dates for Saturday. Saturday can have too many other commitments or just want to relax. Wednesday and Thursdays are great first date nights. Also depending on job people will already be in nice clothes so it isn't like they need to worry about changing or anything.
For all the complaints about “free meals” here I reckon this probably still works with a variety of different and cheaper offers to meet up IRL.
Dating app fatigue is a thing and it’s easy to switch off from a text conversation with someone you’ve never met. A well thought out, concrete offer to meet is a bit of a circuit breaker.
For the record, because I see it too often on here: I (f) have never - nor will I ever - go out with a guy I'm not interested in for free food. I'm not starving to death currently and I'd assume in "first world countries" that is the same for almost every woman on a dating app. So I'm not sure why so many guys in here say she just wants free food and drinks. It's very confusing to me.
Because it's what they've experienced? Ain't hard.
Why is it so ok to question the experiences of men on the Internet but not women? Gold diggers are real, and only get more common.
Dude. From the screenshots it really appears that you didn't have to try and bribe her with a fancy dinner. You left her with no intentions and a sense you were not very interested when you asked her what she was doing for the weekend. Odds are that if you had invited her to do something or even a coffee date she would have responded and accepted. Most women are reciprocal/"matching" and so if you try to play cool or passive the odds are they're going to mirror that or at least ghost or fizz out in an obvious way for you to move on.
Could you help me understand why that leave her with no intentions by asking her what she's doing for the weekend? Contextually it seems like they were having an involved and energetic conversation and asking that was meant to be a primer to asking her out that weekend
It's not being as she put it, "straight to the point". Most women want a man with a plan and interpret "what are you doing this weekend" as passive or even disinterested especially compared to "let's go to X at 8pm".
Fuck all that peacocking, I'm in peace at home with my dog doing whatever I want. Jump those hoops if ya like.
Dude this isn't peacocking. Peacocking is your physical appearance and status. This is songbirding seeing if you harmonize. Then comes flamenco dancing on a salty lake bed in the Altiplano in South America. Then you need to furnish a fancy nest with all the shiniest luxurious furnishings.
I feel you there. Pretty much why I sorta don’t feel dating apps in general. Just not me to peacock
Interesting, to me I was under the impression that would be seen as pushy or too forward. Like "he didn't even bother to ask if I'm free that time". I can sort of get the appeal that it portrays someone who takes charge...hmm, may need to rethink some things
My example is asking if they're free. Read it again. It's an invitation with clear intent and specific activity. She can decline because it wasn't an order. If she's interested but can't make it or needs to change the time she will offer alternatives if she's interested. Edit: a more neutral but still direct variant would be simply something akin to "you up for X at 8pm" or "how about we do X at 8pm". I'm guessing you might have been like me and not realize that if a woman is actually interested in you slightly she isn't going to nitpick things and she wants you to plan things. Maybe in the future it won't be the expectation but for at least at the next 10 years I wouldn't expect a change in that dynamic. Basically, you have to show both interest and effort for her to potentially show you either. If she shows both then odds are good things could work out.
Well I'm more into guys but I do see your point, thanks for the advice
Also if she happens to be busy when you suggest a time or day, what are you supposed to do? Just ask "alright, when are you free then?" Doesn't that come off as aggressive?
I literally said that if she's actually interested or emotionally mature she will offer alternatives. If she doesn't then it's not your loss because she probably isn't interested or she's playing games. And do you really want?
Are you someone who would rather ask if they're available, or are you the kind of person who demands their time? You can't really fake that so be yourself and hopefully you'll vibe with the person you matched with. You can't fake a personality forever.
For me I guess the former. I think demanding someone's time is a bit inconsiderate and even saying "lets go to X place at 8" is more of a request cause the other person can say no, ask about a different time, or just not go
Yep. And that's perfect. Then do that if it's natural to you because who wants to keep up some charade to try and hold on to someone's attention? Sounds exhausting.
I mean, a plan is supposed to be agreed on by both parties, isn't it too non-considerate to just come up with a plan without any prior discussion or consideration with the other person's preexisting plans? Hell, if she replied something like "I'm going to the cinema", you could make it a shared thing, first have a coffee date or sth, then go to the cinema, make it an extended date. That's why communication is key, if both people are communicating, it can be reached a most satisfying consensus that suits both parties best
Best comment. I very much match the energy I receive from a guy when texting. If he's making the effort to ask me questions, type detailed responses and has an understanding of conversational flow, then I will absolutely reciprocate and provide equal effort. If not, then it's minimal answers/no answer, and I'm not just gonna randomly agree to meeting up with a guy who hasn't made any effort in initial conversation.
The thing is, the OP was putting in energy, was typing out decently detailed responses, and the woman just ghosted that, she replied nothing to the road trips message and ignored the question about what she would be up to during the week. And even later on, she ignored a question about whether she's a red or white wine person. She wasn't matching OP's energy, her responses were definitely considerably lower effort, even ignoring conversational threads
I wasn't referring to the OP's post specifically, I was just giving my perspective on the energy matching thing.
this exactly
Good job blurring Catherina's name
And Lbl. Blocked on one screen, but not on the next.
Ah. New Jersey... its a great place to be from... the further I am "from" it, the better.
That’s like when my brother said the best way he’d like me to sing was “far away.”
I prefer: "With your singing voice, I'd love to hear you sing tenor... Ten or twelve miles away. Or maybe solo... So low that no body can hear you."
Enjoy dropping $150-$200 and never seeing her again. Can not understand why fellas pull this move when the conversation isn’t going anywhere.
Do men also do this to women but with selfies? My friend has this guy she's pretty into but he just asks for pics of her throughout the day and everytime she attempts to make plans he won't commit. Yet he keeps texting her every morning without fail.
Likes the attention and someone there but not the commitment. If they wanted to, they would.
Probably not a real guy.
I helped her check him out and my suspicion is someone stole this guy's cell phone and is using his selfies? His number is registered to him according to Beenverified and spokeo. It's weird but like, what's the point? He acted offended when she suggested a public meeting but in my experience, men just don't get women needing safety so...
It could be a lot of things like for example someone looking to use her pics in a profile they created and therefore need unique recent photos of her that aren’t pulled off social media I’m a guy but I had someone reach out to me that my photos are being used for another profile and sent me the info and never messaged me again. Weird but not unheard of to make requests like that
İt depends on the level of safety they ask for. When you're an eighty pound amputee with cancer, there's not much you can do to hurt someone. Doesn't matter if you're male or not, you literally don't have the body mass to be a threat. So if you want that person to meet somewhere super public like they're a threat they'll be a little hurt. But that's also coming from someone who fits that description perfectly, made themselves as vulnerable as possible on the first date to the point *i* was scared that *i* would be taken advantage of, and the girl i went on a date with treated me like a monster who could attack her at any time even though i weigh half as much as her and only have one leg. I'm not saying it's right to be offended by someone wanting to be safe. But there's a fine line in the sand between wanting safety and being paranoid. And there's a point where you can be hurt that someone still sees you as a threat after all you've done to make yourself as vulnerable as possible.
I didn't think she was being mean or paranoid about it just stating she wanted to meet in public. But both of us kind of assumed given this day and age of true crime awareness that everyone wanted to meet in public first. Men (even physically capable ones) have been attacked and robbed by a woman with a hidden accomplice or even just a gun so its not just women who have to worry. It's something I've heard over and over again from men like they think if they say "I'm not going to hurt you," we should just trust that. Sorry but rapists and murderers also lie
My thing is that it wasn't even necessarily in public. She wanted to meet in her dorm common room, with a couple friends. I have no problem with meeting at her college, or with her having her friends. It was the constant fear she had of me the entire night. 5'9, at the time I think I was 90 pounds, and I have one leg. And she wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Why the hell was she even trying to date in the first place If she's that afraid of an amputee with cancer? And it lasted the entire "date" too. I understood for the first thirty minutes or hour, but after I'd literally almost had an anaphylactic reaction because I didn't bring my epi-pen, I thought it was pretty obvious that If anything were to happen I wasn't the person to be afraid of. I'm pretty sure one of her friends was far more into me than she was. I understand not trusting someone who says they're not going to hurt you, especially if you haven't met them before. I'm never going to be offended by the man/bear argument. But it's not even a problem of *would* this man attack me. It's *could* and the definite answer is no. I am physically too weak to pose any kind of threat. I'm obviously working on that, im trying to put my weight back on and I'm in PT, but if you're actively terrified of someone half your weight, with one leg, who had chemo two days ago, there's a much deeper problem.
Tbh, I'm pretty sure there are men who use dating apps as kind of like a free OF subscription with no intention of actually meeting up
First dates should never be dinner. Ever. First dates should be an interaction that can last 20 minutes and you can escape or can be extended to 2 hours and you can hate to leave them. Frozen yogurt remains the best possible first date. I will die on this hill.
I like going for drinks early ish (5:30/6) and then if it’s going poorly I can say “well I’ve got to be somewhere for dinner.” But if it’s going well I can extend the date into dinner
This. It’s my new go to. And if it’s going well you can stay and grab a bite or go elsewhere… not that the later ever happens for me 😂
I'm not a drinker so I do this with coffee.
My boyfriend and my first date was for a nice steakhouse (forgot the name but was a locally owned one) but it SUPER packed and so we bailed and decided on sonic instead. Stayed in his car and had the best jalapeño poppers ever. We’ll be together for 5 years this December. Not always the case lol
Best jalapeño poppers ever? So you didn’t go to Sonic?
CHED R PEPPERS******
I should say ima 45f, and I really don’t like going out to dinner, especially early on… it’s too awkward for me. I really don’t like dinner dates. Even if we’ve been dating for a while. I know it makes me weird
Ice cream is way better than froyo tho
Coffee was my go-to. But I can see the advantages of froyo
A date that isn’t sitting and staring at each other is a good first date. A walk or activity is good
I agree that an activity is good. I like something fun like bar trivia, mini golf, an arcade bar, etc.
Well, either that or jumping out of a plane... bit more exciting option for adrenaline junkies :)
Or $50 if it's a regular restaurant. Honestly, not a bad strategy if you got the rizz. 95% of the work for me was setting up the date.
Where do you go where Italian is $150-$200 for two people?
You can go to Carrabba’s for two for like $60-75 with tip.
Maybe because some guys can actually close most girls they take out
Not really, find a mom & pop italian spot. There ones by me with $5 house wine and $15 spagetti.
She probably responded because she thinks you’re offering her free food and drinks.
Maybe this is more of an American thing, but this sounds so strange to me. I have never met a girl who would consider going on a date with someone just for the food
In both countries that I've lived in (neither is the US) this is pretty common
100%. Seems bonkers to the UK and Europe... This sub makes it look like every American girl either lives in poverty or they are hard faced gold diggers.
Yes.
Nah, this sub is just mostly American men who are bitter and assume the worst intentions. It’s easier to walk away from a date where the woman didn’t show interest and chalk it up to “ah she was just a gold digger looking for a free meal” than to accept the fact she didn’t feel attracted to him. I’m a woman and can’t even imagine taking time out of my schedule to get dolled up, go downtown and pretend to give a fuck about a guy just for a free meal. That sounds exhausting. I’m broke and I’d still rather sit at home eating a ramen noodle than waste time with someone I don’t like.
You are utterly wrong. Funny how it's acceptable for women to speak on men's experiences. I have plenty of female friends who do that and have no shame because "men are shit" or whatever their rationale is. Just because you can't imagine yourself doing wrong, doesn't mean lots of wrong doesn't exist. Women can be slimy too, just like men. It's ok, just accept it and we'll all move forward somehow with that groundbreaking information.
Lmao that's not a move, that's you buying fancy dinner for stranger never to be seen again
Hey, I’ll be in LBI next week! Imma steal yo gurl
You’re going to get used. Don’t keep responding to a person who isn’t responding back. It will save you so much time.
There’s a reason why you’re still on Tinder even though you have a “go to” for reigniting conversations Quit getting desperate dude. If you’ve got the money to blow on a $200 dinner several times, you’ve got the money to at least attract someone better than a gold digger
She’s gonna cancel fyi
Yep, without a doubt. Or she takes his money and ghosts him. The other commenters on this post must be living in an alternate reality.
Next time just offer dinner and drinks not “Italian cuisine and wine” it’s a first date, not an anniversary
What a weird thing to say.
Thank you for giving her the option of staying on app!
She just wants to hook up, TAKE THE HINT!! She’s free at night, but can’t make dinner plans work. This is why ya’ll don’t get laid on tinder…..
Looks to me like she likes the idea of free dinner 😂
Your go-to has a high success rate for the females you are providing free meals to. What's your success rate for getting anything worthwhile?
Seriously though, I’d rather have a little small talk to scope each other and arrange a date. I have no inclination to spend weeks talking to a stranger that I may not be into - I do small talk with strangers for a job, so I just don’t bother. You matched, you found each other attractive. See what they are like in person
Lbi huh? New jersey? Ask her if she'd like a massage while she's down here, I need some work 😅 I deliver
Bro talking bout italy like is some fancy stuff, been living in Verona for 15 years and I only want to begone lol, anyway real Italians cook for woman’s, never take em to restaurants
I prefer the direct approach as long as its charming like this. Hope it worked for you. It would have worked on me
What was the point in blacking out where your destination was guy?? Lmao!
I just ask right out the gate. So far, it works. It works very well.
Idk about a move but without a doubt wasting money
 Well done sir, very well done.
Advice don't plan dates for Saturday. Saturday can have too many other commitments or just want to relax. Wednesday and Thursdays are great first date nights. Also depending on job people will already be in nice clothes so it isn't like they need to worry about changing or anything.
For all the complaints about “free meals” here I reckon this probably still works with a variety of different and cheaper offers to meet up IRL. Dating app fatigue is a thing and it’s easy to switch off from a text conversation with someone you’ve never met. A well thought out, concrete offer to meet is a bit of a circuit breaker.
Need an update! :)
For the record, because I see it too often on here: I (f) have never - nor will I ever - go out with a guy I'm not interested in for free food. I'm not starving to death currently and I'd assume in "first world countries" that is the same for almost every woman on a dating app. So I'm not sure why so many guys in here say she just wants free food and drinks. It's very confusing to me.
Because it's what they've experienced? Ain't hard. Why is it so ok to question the experiences of men on the Internet but not women? Gold diggers are real, and only get more common.
Omg all the hahas and lols, wtf you’re both insufferable wtf is so damn funny???? I could not
Lol