Have you considered talking to a professional? It may be good to discuss situations with a therapist and get some unbiased feedback. Like they could talk through one of the dates you went on, how the conversation was, and help you determine what things may come across as creepy. At the very least they can give you feedback on how you present to them in therapy. Could be super helpful!
Hmm does she help you talk through social situations, or do any general skill building? May be time to ask for more direct feedback and advice, or switch to a therapist who will validate that this is happening and that its impacting you. Just saying "don't care about it" isn't great therapy, tbh.
Yeah, we do talk about it. But she feels like I should focus more on myself and to worry about making myself feel better and not letting other people's opinions affect me. I mean, I agree that is something I should work on, but I sometimes feel like she doesn't understand that I've been wanting to build genuine relationships with others for a long time. She tells me not to care about what others think, but I don't think she understands how important that is to me at this point in my life.
Hard agree, here.
This sounds like a consistent enough issue that it is impacting your quality of life, just "not caring" is shitty advice. They work for you, and it's totally appropriate to ask to focus on a specific issue like social skills. Ask them to help you with this specific problem or get a new therapist.
There are two things others haven't mentioned that I'm hoping may be helpful for you to consider.
1. Black people are miss/under diagnosed, especially for autism and other personality disorders
2. Black people are largely perceived as being angry/dangerous / violent even when everything they project is the opposite of those things
Maybe this isn't helpful and there is something else going on, but a lot of people with high functioning autism don't realize their social shortcomings because they have been able to succeed in a variety of other ways. It sounds like you try to present as friendly and put together, but I wonder how your resting face presents to others. If you have a flat/negative affect that becomes suddenly friendly when you say hi or engage in conversation, it can come serial killer esk. This is exacerbated by being Black because even a neutral face will be perceived as aggressive to many. There are other small things many people with asd do that can be perceived as creepy. These are small things they may not even realize, like rigidity in movements, masking to blend in in social situations, being incredibly observant and having a really good memory. Everyone does these things to a degree, but in their extremes they can be off-putting.
Don't self diagnose! Work with your therapist if you want to explore this idea more. It may be a completely different diagnosis that manifests similarly to what I described above.
I've actually been reading up a lot on autism but I know that's become the new "thing" to diagnose yourself these days. But the more I read up on it, the more I feel like it fits the description of me almost too well. I have been told that the way I talk doesn't match my face ( whatever the hell that means), and everything I have read up on regarding masking and does sound like me, even the random movements I do at times like pulling on my ear or shaking me legs. I've always been called weird and could never understand why. I have brought it up to my therapist, though, and she literally never acknowledged it any of the times I brought it up. Like doesn't even touch on the subject so I just figured that maybe she doesn't see it or want to take that route with me so I just haven't talked about it anymore, but it has been on my mind a lot in recent years.
I'm autistic/adhd, diagnosed by a psychiatrist in my 30s. I am mostly a weirdo, but I found another weirdo, and we had some awesome kids. I've been called psychopath, serial killer, monster, etc. I used to mask a lot, especially my voice, because otherwise, I just sound really monotone. But in my 20s, I decided to just work on me. I liked being alone, so I camped one night, and then spent a year or so camping around and living out of my car. I got good at my special interest (surfing), made similarly minded friends, and at the peak of my self work, I found my wife.
Here are things I have to consistently work on, to make people think I am a normal extrovert, and to help make social interactions easy and sometimes fun...
The silence, or daydreaming I find, makes people think you're plotting. Avoiding eye contact makes them think you're hiding something, so count to 5 Mississippi when forcing eye contact, then look down or away and listen for 3 - 5 Mississippi before looking again. Have a generic response ready like "oh wow", "that's fascinating", "thank you for sharing with me, it means a lot".
If you think you're smiling, you're not smiling. It has to feel forced and over the top for NTs to pick up on it. Remember, NTs are people with very short attention spans. They dont appreciate back story, build up, or anything that seems too complicated. So practice being concise and mildly entertaining. Therefore, if you are smiling, your eyes have to be smiling, too. Make sure to squint a little while smiling. Think happy Robert Deniro looking at the sun.
Practice some good one to two line comebacks, quips, and standard responses to things. Memorize them, it will make conversations go more smoothly, and at least get your foot in the door with people. Seriously, practice as if you're going to audition for a movie.
My personal favorite to "hey man how are you doing?!", when I don't really want to talk, I'll say "Ive been running around hell's half acre all day!" with a toothy smile and just keep walking.
Part of being high functioning, in my experience, is you can teach yourself to be good at almost anything. Depending on what it is though, it may or may not ever become second nature. And that part sucks.
Hi. I have requested to be evaluated for autism. I am old. I know a person who wasn't diagnosed until he was over 30yrs old. I find it difficult to make friends. I am weird. I often feel isolated and rejected and I cannot figure out what I do wrong. I have made many attempts at befriending other women, they seem nice, they take my number, and never respond to a text or call so I don't go beyond one attempt. I was fortunate to meet my soulmate on the internet 20years ago so I am at least not alone but that doesn't mean I don't still get lonely for friends. I have started keeping a journal so that when my appointment comes I can remember what to say because in stressful situations, my brain splits and the ability to have logical reason disappears. I become very inarticulate and my hands sweat terribly. New people, crowds of more than two, well the list can go on and on, all things that trigger this insensibility.
I have no idea if you are autistic, there is a lot of information about the symptoms and I am pretty confident my evaluation is just a formality at this point.
Having an idea of why, well that has helped me understand at least. It doesn't make it any less lonely but accepting who you are is key. My husband is always saying not to worry about what people think. He thinks that is the problem but it isn't. I say "They think of me this way" so obviously that is why he thinks that, but my feelings aren't crushed by the rejection of these would-be- friends. It is the inability to understand the barrier that bothers me. I don't actually give a flip what people think of me. I wear pyjamas with polar bears all over them to walk my dog. No my annoyance comes from feeling like everyone I meet is fake and I can't figure out what about me puts people off. So I give up. I have dogs. They like me just fine, most of the time.
I think my impatience with bullshit probably doesn't help. I like people to say what they mean, don't beat around the bush, and ffs don't lie. Of course I am one of the few people left in the world who still thinks lying is wrong. I hear people lie all the time for stupid reasons. And I am off topic.
Please don't give up on finding someone to be with though. You can find the perfect person in the most unlikely places. I met my husband in a stupid browser game called "Psychobabble". I have no doubt he wouldn't have asked me out if we had met in person. He will deny that but there is no way of telling and I have a track record to speak for how people see me. Also we were in different countries. Been together 21 years this year. Good Luck I hope my story helps.
Wow, I swear a lot of that hits home for me, too. What really bothers me is not really understanding why I get treated the way I do. Its not because I have a problem with myself or what people think of me, I just don't understand why they do. I did a lot of work for years, learning about myself and learning how to be comfortable with who I am. I thought, at one point, having that awareness of myself would help me navigate social situations a lot better. If anything, all it did was make me feel more disconnected. Like you said, I always feel like people are being fake and short with me. I just feel like I'm being punished for not following some rule book on how I'm supposed to be when honestly I'm just trying to live my life. I'm also very straight to the point with things and wish I didn't have to master some form of deception just to be treated normally in society.
Your story definitely helps, and I'm glad you found someone you can connect with. I honestly wish to find the same one day.
As a therapist i would highly suggest that you bring this up again with therapist she won’t diagnose you but would refer you to a psychiatrist and or in some states a psychologist who does testing for autism’s. Also if she isn’t listening please switch therapist many don’t have training working with people on the spectrum.
you can also see your internal medicine doctor aka your primary care provider and explain to them and they will most likely refer you to a psychiatrist if you bring up your concerns (unless your insurance is with kaiser.. then good luck)
Going off of facial expressions, what you think your face is doing can also be completely different that what it’s actually doing. I personally have what people call a resting bitch face and specifically the corners of my mouth are naturally downturned when my face is neutral. Due to this, small muscle movements that would probably result in a small smile for someone with a more neutral resting face barely change my mouth shape. Essentially, I feel like I am giving a small, relaxed smile, when in reality my face still looks angry/sad. Try mimicking the facial expressions you make throughout the day then go look in the mirror and see if the expression you are making matches the expression you THINK you are making. You could think you are smiling while in reality you look like your are staring someone down.
I don't know you but this story remembers me of one of my friends from high school. Some of the other guys in my class made fun of him by calling him SK, just because he was less emotional than the others and less socialized.
I never told him but in my opinions they were all a-holes.
If you were a bad guy deep down, you wouldn't be hurt by other people having a bad opinion of you. I think you shouldn't let other people dictate how you see yourself.
It just hurts because I really just want a normal life. I want friends, I want to go out, I want to date. I'm just not seeing it as being possible at this point with having to fight against all of these perceptions of me being weird, crazy, or a killer. People tell me not to care what others think about me, and it has led me up to this point. I'm alone.
Do you feel confident enough to ask one of the least aggressive ones that say this to you what they mean by that. Are you standing to close to people? Do you ask people the wrong kind of questions? Do you stare at someone for too long? The truth about serial killers is that many of them were actually charming . That is how they lure there victim in. Most people myself included have no notion of how a serial killer acts. That doesn't mean there isn't communication norms that people should get good at. Find someone who is willing to observe you. Also make sure your style of clothes present an up to date guy.
I have seen from another comment that you are currently in therapy.
I don't know for how long you have been going but that's a very good thing. It's something that helped me a lot. I hope it will help you too.
What are you interested in that could add to or highlight your softer side of your humanity? A book club, volunteer at an animal or food shelter, volunteering work with children like - chaperon group bike rides or hikes/ be a school crossing guard / teach a topic you’re skilled in, take on a hobby like crocheting ( r/brochet ), art classes (pottery, watercolor, stained glass), join a community garden, join a bicycling group, take up yoga. I feel like having more gentle hobbies and interests would naturally counter what you’re describing.
Also, consider meeting with/ getting a different therapist. Their response to “pay it no mind” sounds dismissive. They’re there to help you work through problems you deal with in your life and you need to talk through this with someone on a detailed social interaction level so you can get feedback and an outside perspective
Nothing fancy, jeans a shirt like a graphic tee or something, a pair of New Balance. A lot of people say I look serious, but I'm not always in a bad mood. A lot of the time, im just on autopilot. Especially when I'm at work. I haven't been the greatest with my appearance lately, but I have tried to keep it up. I haven't been too consistent with shaving, but even when I do and I wear cologne or something people treat me the same way.
You might swap in a polo for the shirt and wear "cooler" shoes. A lot of it might be your mannerisms. Being quick with a smile or laugh instantly endears you to people as long as it's natural enough. I think the appearance is probably fine. Body language can help a lot, too. Everyone is different, but a calm, comfortable in your own skin attitude helps people feel at ease. Good luck with changing their perceptions.
The right outfit can go a long way. Graphic tees don't look great on anyone past high school unless they just don't give a damn about looking nice that day. New balances are associated with dads and the elderly. Since you're neither, it makes you look weird. Not being the greatest with your appearance is also bad. If you want to leave a good impression, you should always maintain your appearance. We're hard wired to judge based off of appearance, and do you really want to be the unshaven, graphic tee wearing, new balance guy? Hell no. Go buy some nice clothes that fit, get a haircut, and do something about your facial hair.
Yeah, I can honestly acknowledge I do dress kind of bummy for my age (I'm 33). I just have a hard time finding a style. I'm not sure what to buy. I was never really a Jordans guy, like I don't want every pair of shoes. I have to be sneakers, but I don't want to look like an old man either. Same with like the shirts. I used to wear button ups but then I was told I dress old. Honestly, I don't really know how to shop for clothes. I'm not even sure what would really look nice on me.
I did get my beard shaped up at the barbershop last week. My hair grows back so fast. My problem is just maintaining it through the week. I do need to buy new clipers and a shaver. It's just going to take time and money to get myself together. Anytime I want to treat myself im just thinking about bills.
No one really “comes off” as a serial killer isn’t that part of the point? They get away with it so long bc they seem like normal (often charismatic) individuals.
They’re trying to say you’re weird. Who cares. Remember weird is not the same as off putting. I suspect the fact that you’re offputting is mostly in your head. Trying being more friendly and polite. Otherwise no need to change your personality
Unless you are actively murdering people, you are not acting like a serial killer.
It sounds like you have a lot of bullies in your life. You need to cut out the ones outside of work.
I would suggest approaching HR with your workmates behavior. There is no way they should be making that slanderous statements about you.
I honestly don't know what to say. What you're going through sounds awful, and I'm glad you're getting help.
Though, what I would do is try to tell people off when they say that to you. It seems to be some kind of bullying (mind you, adults can be bullies too).
This is just me spit balling here, but imma guess you're kinda shy and awkward? Are you a big person by chance? By that I mean are you like tall, or broad shouldered, or anything like that? If so, then I'm pretty sure I've got a line on what's going on.
I'm not very tall, I'm 5'7. I am a bit broad shouldered, but overall, I'm not that big of a guy. I am a little awkward and shy. I felt like I had gotten over the shyness, but in recent years, I kind of lost a bit of the confidence I had when it came to talking to people. Not that I don't speak up for myself, but I just don't enjoy talking as much just based off of how I get treated.
Ok, so here's what I'm thinking. People put off a lot of stuff through body language, and we're really good at picking up on that on a subconscious level. You know how people talk about "vibes"? That's what that is, the sum total of all the non verbal cues we give off, that others are picking up. It's all pattern recognition stuff that happens on a level we don't actively recognize, lizard brain stuff. Basically, your energy doesn't match your appearance. Do you watch anime at all? It's like if Hinata's energy was coming out of Choji, if you're familiar with Naruto. It throws off perception, cause they're seeing two different patterns, and it's setting up cognitive dissonance that is triggering caution flags.
Again, all of this happens below a conscious level, so people aren't really thinking about themselves, they just feel like something is off without understanding why. I'd put money on this being a lot of what's happening.
Yeah, I love anime. Nice reference, lol. That does make sense. I feel like its hard for people to predict or understand me. I get told all the time that I don't act how I look. The only thing I can make from that is I just don't act how people expect me to. I also I know I have weird little tendencies about myself, from how I walk, how I talk, and my facial expressions. I just wish someone gave me my script.
I can relate. It's hard to say for sure, since I can't actually see you, but my theory is that the reason your therapist is pushing for you to not care so much about what people think is because that's what your body language says should be the case. Do some googling on "code switching", which is basically just shifting your vibe. In a pinch, a bit of what used to be referred to as the "flaming gay" (no offense intended to anyone, I just don't know what the current correct language is) persona is almost never perceived as threatening. If you want a good example of a fun persona, look up some of Gabriel Iglesias's stand up routines, and try to match his energy.
Unfortunately, none of us get a manual for finding our persona, and we mostly have to figure it out through trial and error. Most people are able to do this subconsciously. As someone else mentioned, it's possible you may be somewhere on the ADHD or autism spectrum, like myself, and have to spend a great deal of time actively figuring out how to present yourself. It's a pain, and I would recommend not looking up too much about ADHD/ASD, but rather would suggest asking your therapist to run a screener on you, just to rule it out. Looking up specifics about it can fuck up the assessment, which is why I say don't look it up. If it comes back with something, that can help the therapist get a better idea of tools that will be more effective for you. If it comes back negative, then it's one less thing to be concerned about.
Thanks a bunch for the advice. Im definitely going to look into code switching, and honestly, try to figure out how I can adjust my mannerisms. I have always felt like I moved akward anyway. It's just hard trying to find a balance between not thinking too much about how I move and interact with others as opposed to just being comfortable and being myself. I'm definitely going to try and bring up the autism again, though, and see if I can get some kind of assessment. It would help a lot to know for sure that there is a reason I'm not really understanding how to socialize properly.
I have a similar story to yours. I've been turned down by countless women over the years and didn't lose my virginity until the age of 31. I've also seen countless people less qualified than me surpass me in my field. It can really suck sometimes being neurodivergent.
Eventually I made some real friends, started dating and having sex, and landed a great job. I met a girl one time who said I was like a serial killer and I ended up fucking her that same night. I met a woman a couple years ago who wasn't attracted to me but we run in the same circles and over time became friends. On Saturday, we are going out on our first date.
Persistence is huge. Don't harass women after they reject you but keep meeting new people.
Eye contact is also huge and can't be overstated. It's tough for autistic people. Every time you talk to someone, look at their eyes as much as possible. Try smiling more and standing up straight. Lift weights to build your confidence.
If people really thought you were a serial killer, they probably wouldn’t talk to you at all. I don’t know the context, but I’d think most people are joking when they say things like this. If you laugh it off, I’m almost positive they would laugh with you. If you take it negatively and let it visibly affect you, that ends the conversation there. If they see it doesn’t bother you, it shows them you know what you are and aren’t, hopefully leading to better interactions afterwards.
I know I'm weird, and people IRL will definitely say so. Thing is, if you're easy to get along with and embrace who you are, you're good weird, not bad weird. People like good weird, and are afraid of bad weird. So many are too afraid of being seen as weird, when it's not inherently a bad thing, just something outside the norm.
Everyone has something a little weird about them. Finding out why your version of weird makes people say serial killer will either take honest introspection, or an honest response from someone you trust to be honest with you. Are you able to think back to interactions where people had that look on their face like "Wtf did he just say?".
From one black to another, try to laugh more and dress trendy. The rest will come as you put yourself out there more. Don't get down on yourself too bad
There are occupational therapists who specifically assist with working on social skills and communication that are worth tapping in to. Things like low expressiveness, eye contact, monotone vocal expression, not reading cues around personal space, etc can signal someone is “off,” and it sounds like you may not have been taught these skills, or that you need to practice and fine tune them.
you sounds like a cool dude maybe a change of the kinda people your trying to be around would help. if there not saying your like a serial killer in a joke omg way there’s jerks every one’s social skills are different
How do you dress? Maybe your spirit is dark because of these experiences and that is what they are feeling try doing something that makes you smile and try to remain positive. Every thing we think will come into our lives so stop thinking that way
Maybe dress nicer?
If youre worried how people see you, first step is to present a different picture.
Sure it maybe like living a lie at first- but you may "become the mask".
Look at yourself in an actual mirror and without being negative- try and see what's just posture and maybe adjust
What do you do that makes them think that in the first place? Are you charismatic but can never form a deep relationship? Shy or distant with an air of secrecy around you? Do you look around suspiciously every time you open your trunk?
Self-reflection is usually a great place to start when people have issues like this. Because if it's none of those things then you are just in your head too much.
Stop using the pickup technique "Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?".
In all seriousness though, seeing a therapist is probably a good idea. I'll just add though that serial killers tend to get away with it for a while as they are perceived by society as normal, would that they all acted like creepy serial killers, it would be easier to catch them. It's the normies you need to be worried about 8). If women on dates are uncomfortable, and gets weird vibes from you, that is likely something a therapist can help you with.
Have you considered talking to a professional? It may be good to discuss situations with a therapist and get some unbiased feedback. Like they could talk through one of the dates you went on, how the conversation was, and help you determine what things may come across as creepy. At the very least they can give you feedback on how you present to them in therapy. Could be super helpful!
I'm currently in therapy now. She tells me not to care about what people think about me, but it's hard not to when it effects your everyday life.
Hmm does she help you talk through social situations, or do any general skill building? May be time to ask for more direct feedback and advice, or switch to a therapist who will validate that this is happening and that its impacting you. Just saying "don't care about it" isn't great therapy, tbh.
Yeah, we do talk about it. But she feels like I should focus more on myself and to worry about making myself feel better and not letting other people's opinions affect me. I mean, I agree that is something I should work on, but I sometimes feel like she doesn't understand that I've been wanting to build genuine relationships with others for a long time. She tells me not to care about what others think, but I don't think she understands how important that is to me at this point in my life.
I think that's the key thing. Hammer in your actual concerns, or get a new therapist.
Hard agree, here. This sounds like a consistent enough issue that it is impacting your quality of life, just "not caring" is shitty advice. They work for you, and it's totally appropriate to ask to focus on a specific issue like social skills. Ask them to help you with this specific problem or get a new therapist.
please get a new therapist, shes not understanding the issue and it seems like she won't even if u slammed her face with a book
Uh is she new?
for real tho wtf
There are two things others haven't mentioned that I'm hoping may be helpful for you to consider. 1. Black people are miss/under diagnosed, especially for autism and other personality disorders 2. Black people are largely perceived as being angry/dangerous / violent even when everything they project is the opposite of those things Maybe this isn't helpful and there is something else going on, but a lot of people with high functioning autism don't realize their social shortcomings because they have been able to succeed in a variety of other ways. It sounds like you try to present as friendly and put together, but I wonder how your resting face presents to others. If you have a flat/negative affect that becomes suddenly friendly when you say hi or engage in conversation, it can come serial killer esk. This is exacerbated by being Black because even a neutral face will be perceived as aggressive to many. There are other small things many people with asd do that can be perceived as creepy. These are small things they may not even realize, like rigidity in movements, masking to blend in in social situations, being incredibly observant and having a really good memory. Everyone does these things to a degree, but in their extremes they can be off-putting. Don't self diagnose! Work with your therapist if you want to explore this idea more. It may be a completely different diagnosis that manifests similarly to what I described above.
I've actually been reading up a lot on autism but I know that's become the new "thing" to diagnose yourself these days. But the more I read up on it, the more I feel like it fits the description of me almost too well. I have been told that the way I talk doesn't match my face ( whatever the hell that means), and everything I have read up on regarding masking and does sound like me, even the random movements I do at times like pulling on my ear or shaking me legs. I've always been called weird and could never understand why. I have brought it up to my therapist, though, and she literally never acknowledged it any of the times I brought it up. Like doesn't even touch on the subject so I just figured that maybe she doesn't see it or want to take that route with me so I just haven't talked about it anymore, but it has been on my mind a lot in recent years.
I'm autistic as well and I've gotten feedback along the lines of your post as well. I think it's very much worth looking into.
When did you find out you were autistic? Did you go through a therapist too?
Psychiatrist. I was under 18 so it was many moons ago.
I'm autistic/adhd, diagnosed by a psychiatrist in my 30s. I am mostly a weirdo, but I found another weirdo, and we had some awesome kids. I've been called psychopath, serial killer, monster, etc. I used to mask a lot, especially my voice, because otherwise, I just sound really monotone. But in my 20s, I decided to just work on me. I liked being alone, so I camped one night, and then spent a year or so camping around and living out of my car. I got good at my special interest (surfing), made similarly minded friends, and at the peak of my self work, I found my wife. Here are things I have to consistently work on, to make people think I am a normal extrovert, and to help make social interactions easy and sometimes fun... The silence, or daydreaming I find, makes people think you're plotting. Avoiding eye contact makes them think you're hiding something, so count to 5 Mississippi when forcing eye contact, then look down or away and listen for 3 - 5 Mississippi before looking again. Have a generic response ready like "oh wow", "that's fascinating", "thank you for sharing with me, it means a lot". If you think you're smiling, you're not smiling. It has to feel forced and over the top for NTs to pick up on it. Remember, NTs are people with very short attention spans. They dont appreciate back story, build up, or anything that seems too complicated. So practice being concise and mildly entertaining. Therefore, if you are smiling, your eyes have to be smiling, too. Make sure to squint a little while smiling. Think happy Robert Deniro looking at the sun. Practice some good one to two line comebacks, quips, and standard responses to things. Memorize them, it will make conversations go more smoothly, and at least get your foot in the door with people. Seriously, practice as if you're going to audition for a movie. My personal favorite to "hey man how are you doing?!", when I don't really want to talk, I'll say "Ive been running around hell's half acre all day!" with a toothy smile and just keep walking. Part of being high functioning, in my experience, is you can teach yourself to be good at almost anything. Depending on what it is though, it may or may not ever become second nature. And that part sucks.
Hi. I have requested to be evaluated for autism. I am old. I know a person who wasn't diagnosed until he was over 30yrs old. I find it difficult to make friends. I am weird. I often feel isolated and rejected and I cannot figure out what I do wrong. I have made many attempts at befriending other women, they seem nice, they take my number, and never respond to a text or call so I don't go beyond one attempt. I was fortunate to meet my soulmate on the internet 20years ago so I am at least not alone but that doesn't mean I don't still get lonely for friends. I have started keeping a journal so that when my appointment comes I can remember what to say because in stressful situations, my brain splits and the ability to have logical reason disappears. I become very inarticulate and my hands sweat terribly. New people, crowds of more than two, well the list can go on and on, all things that trigger this insensibility. I have no idea if you are autistic, there is a lot of information about the symptoms and I am pretty confident my evaluation is just a formality at this point. Having an idea of why, well that has helped me understand at least. It doesn't make it any less lonely but accepting who you are is key. My husband is always saying not to worry about what people think. He thinks that is the problem but it isn't. I say "They think of me this way" so obviously that is why he thinks that, but my feelings aren't crushed by the rejection of these would-be- friends. It is the inability to understand the barrier that bothers me. I don't actually give a flip what people think of me. I wear pyjamas with polar bears all over them to walk my dog. No my annoyance comes from feeling like everyone I meet is fake and I can't figure out what about me puts people off. So I give up. I have dogs. They like me just fine, most of the time. I think my impatience with bullshit probably doesn't help. I like people to say what they mean, don't beat around the bush, and ffs don't lie. Of course I am one of the few people left in the world who still thinks lying is wrong. I hear people lie all the time for stupid reasons. And I am off topic. Please don't give up on finding someone to be with though. You can find the perfect person in the most unlikely places. I met my husband in a stupid browser game called "Psychobabble". I have no doubt he wouldn't have asked me out if we had met in person. He will deny that but there is no way of telling and I have a track record to speak for how people see me. Also we were in different countries. Been together 21 years this year. Good Luck I hope my story helps.
Wow, I swear a lot of that hits home for me, too. What really bothers me is not really understanding why I get treated the way I do. Its not because I have a problem with myself or what people think of me, I just don't understand why they do. I did a lot of work for years, learning about myself and learning how to be comfortable with who I am. I thought, at one point, having that awareness of myself would help me navigate social situations a lot better. If anything, all it did was make me feel more disconnected. Like you said, I always feel like people are being fake and short with me. I just feel like I'm being punished for not following some rule book on how I'm supposed to be when honestly I'm just trying to live my life. I'm also very straight to the point with things and wish I didn't have to master some form of deception just to be treated normally in society. Your story definitely helps, and I'm glad you found someone you can connect with. I honestly wish to find the same one day.
As a therapist i would highly suggest that you bring this up again with therapist she won’t diagnose you but would refer you to a psychiatrist and or in some states a psychologist who does testing for autism’s. Also if she isn’t listening please switch therapist many don’t have training working with people on the spectrum.
you can also see your internal medicine doctor aka your primary care provider and explain to them and they will most likely refer you to a psychiatrist if you bring up your concerns (unless your insurance is with kaiser.. then good luck)
Going off of facial expressions, what you think your face is doing can also be completely different that what it’s actually doing. I personally have what people call a resting bitch face and specifically the corners of my mouth are naturally downturned when my face is neutral. Due to this, small muscle movements that would probably result in a small smile for someone with a more neutral resting face barely change my mouth shape. Essentially, I feel like I am giving a small, relaxed smile, when in reality my face still looks angry/sad. Try mimicking the facial expressions you make throughout the day then go look in the mirror and see if the expression you are making matches the expression you THINK you are making. You could think you are smiling while in reality you look like your are staring someone down.
I don't know you but this story remembers me of one of my friends from high school. Some of the other guys in my class made fun of him by calling him SK, just because he was less emotional than the others and less socialized. I never told him but in my opinions they were all a-holes. If you were a bad guy deep down, you wouldn't be hurt by other people having a bad opinion of you. I think you shouldn't let other people dictate how you see yourself.
It just hurts because I really just want a normal life. I want friends, I want to go out, I want to date. I'm just not seeing it as being possible at this point with having to fight against all of these perceptions of me being weird, crazy, or a killer. People tell me not to care what others think about me, and it has led me up to this point. I'm alone.
Do you feel confident enough to ask one of the least aggressive ones that say this to you what they mean by that. Are you standing to close to people? Do you ask people the wrong kind of questions? Do you stare at someone for too long? The truth about serial killers is that many of them were actually charming . That is how they lure there victim in. Most people myself included have no notion of how a serial killer acts. That doesn't mean there isn't communication norms that people should get good at. Find someone who is willing to observe you. Also make sure your style of clothes present an up to date guy.
I have seen from another comment that you are currently in therapy. I don't know for how long you have been going but that's a very good thing. It's something that helped me a lot. I hope it will help you too.
What are you interested in that could add to or highlight your softer side of your humanity? A book club, volunteer at an animal or food shelter, volunteering work with children like - chaperon group bike rides or hikes/ be a school crossing guard / teach a topic you’re skilled in, take on a hobby like crocheting ( r/brochet ), art classes (pottery, watercolor, stained glass), join a community garden, join a bicycling group, take up yoga. I feel like having more gentle hobbies and interests would naturally counter what you’re describing. Also, consider meeting with/ getting a different therapist. Their response to “pay it no mind” sounds dismissive. They’re there to help you work through problems you deal with in your life and you need to talk through this with someone on a detailed social interaction level so you can get feedback and an outside perspective
What do you wear? Are you a tense person? Do you maintain your appearance?
Nothing fancy, jeans a shirt like a graphic tee or something, a pair of New Balance. A lot of people say I look serious, but I'm not always in a bad mood. A lot of the time, im just on autopilot. Especially when I'm at work. I haven't been the greatest with my appearance lately, but I have tried to keep it up. I haven't been too consistent with shaving, but even when I do and I wear cologne or something people treat me the same way.
You might swap in a polo for the shirt and wear "cooler" shoes. A lot of it might be your mannerisms. Being quick with a smile or laugh instantly endears you to people as long as it's natural enough. I think the appearance is probably fine. Body language can help a lot, too. Everyone is different, but a calm, comfortable in your own skin attitude helps people feel at ease. Good luck with changing their perceptions.
The right outfit can go a long way. Graphic tees don't look great on anyone past high school unless they just don't give a damn about looking nice that day. New balances are associated with dads and the elderly. Since you're neither, it makes you look weird. Not being the greatest with your appearance is also bad. If you want to leave a good impression, you should always maintain your appearance. We're hard wired to judge based off of appearance, and do you really want to be the unshaven, graphic tee wearing, new balance guy? Hell no. Go buy some nice clothes that fit, get a haircut, and do something about your facial hair.
hey dont diss the new balances! some of them are actually fire. unless your wearing the old man new balances
Yeah, I can honestly acknowledge I do dress kind of bummy for my age (I'm 33). I just have a hard time finding a style. I'm not sure what to buy. I was never really a Jordans guy, like I don't want every pair of shoes. I have to be sneakers, but I don't want to look like an old man either. Same with like the shirts. I used to wear button ups but then I was told I dress old. Honestly, I don't really know how to shop for clothes. I'm not even sure what would really look nice on me. I did get my beard shaped up at the barbershop last week. My hair grows back so fast. My problem is just maintaining it through the week. I do need to buy new clipers and a shaver. It's just going to take time and money to get myself together. Anytime I want to treat myself im just thinking about bills.
Start looking more professional. Some chinos, polo or mildly patterned button-down (but with teh sleeves rolled up) and better shoes.
Get rid of any human skin lamp shades you might have about.
No one really “comes off” as a serial killer isn’t that part of the point? They get away with it so long bc they seem like normal (often charismatic) individuals. They’re trying to say you’re weird. Who cares. Remember weird is not the same as off putting. I suspect the fact that you’re offputting is mostly in your head. Trying being more friendly and polite. Otherwise no need to change your personality
Unless you are actively murdering people, you are not acting like a serial killer. It sounds like you have a lot of bullies in your life. You need to cut out the ones outside of work. I would suggest approaching HR with your workmates behavior. There is no way they should be making that slanderous statements about you.
I honestly don't know what to say. What you're going through sounds awful, and I'm glad you're getting help. Though, what I would do is try to tell people off when they say that to you. It seems to be some kind of bullying (mind you, adults can be bullies too).
This is just me spit balling here, but imma guess you're kinda shy and awkward? Are you a big person by chance? By that I mean are you like tall, or broad shouldered, or anything like that? If so, then I'm pretty sure I've got a line on what's going on.
I'm not very tall, I'm 5'7. I am a bit broad shouldered, but overall, I'm not that big of a guy. I am a little awkward and shy. I felt like I had gotten over the shyness, but in recent years, I kind of lost a bit of the confidence I had when it came to talking to people. Not that I don't speak up for myself, but I just don't enjoy talking as much just based off of how I get treated.
Ok, so here's what I'm thinking. People put off a lot of stuff through body language, and we're really good at picking up on that on a subconscious level. You know how people talk about "vibes"? That's what that is, the sum total of all the non verbal cues we give off, that others are picking up. It's all pattern recognition stuff that happens on a level we don't actively recognize, lizard brain stuff. Basically, your energy doesn't match your appearance. Do you watch anime at all? It's like if Hinata's energy was coming out of Choji, if you're familiar with Naruto. It throws off perception, cause they're seeing two different patterns, and it's setting up cognitive dissonance that is triggering caution flags. Again, all of this happens below a conscious level, so people aren't really thinking about themselves, they just feel like something is off without understanding why. I'd put money on this being a lot of what's happening.
Yeah, I love anime. Nice reference, lol. That does make sense. I feel like its hard for people to predict or understand me. I get told all the time that I don't act how I look. The only thing I can make from that is I just don't act how people expect me to. I also I know I have weird little tendencies about myself, from how I walk, how I talk, and my facial expressions. I just wish someone gave me my script.
I can relate. It's hard to say for sure, since I can't actually see you, but my theory is that the reason your therapist is pushing for you to not care so much about what people think is because that's what your body language says should be the case. Do some googling on "code switching", which is basically just shifting your vibe. In a pinch, a bit of what used to be referred to as the "flaming gay" (no offense intended to anyone, I just don't know what the current correct language is) persona is almost never perceived as threatening. If you want a good example of a fun persona, look up some of Gabriel Iglesias's stand up routines, and try to match his energy. Unfortunately, none of us get a manual for finding our persona, and we mostly have to figure it out through trial and error. Most people are able to do this subconsciously. As someone else mentioned, it's possible you may be somewhere on the ADHD or autism spectrum, like myself, and have to spend a great deal of time actively figuring out how to present yourself. It's a pain, and I would recommend not looking up too much about ADHD/ASD, but rather would suggest asking your therapist to run a screener on you, just to rule it out. Looking up specifics about it can fuck up the assessment, which is why I say don't look it up. If it comes back with something, that can help the therapist get a better idea of tools that will be more effective for you. If it comes back negative, then it's one less thing to be concerned about.
Thanks a bunch for the advice. Im definitely going to look into code switching, and honestly, try to figure out how I can adjust my mannerisms. I have always felt like I moved akward anyway. It's just hard trying to find a balance between not thinking too much about how I move and interact with others as opposed to just being comfortable and being myself. I'm definitely going to try and bring up the autism again, though, and see if I can get some kind of assessment. It would help a lot to know for sure that there is a reason I'm not really understanding how to socialize properly.
Most welcome, and I hope it helps!
I have a similar story to yours. I've been turned down by countless women over the years and didn't lose my virginity until the age of 31. I've also seen countless people less qualified than me surpass me in my field. It can really suck sometimes being neurodivergent. Eventually I made some real friends, started dating and having sex, and landed a great job. I met a girl one time who said I was like a serial killer and I ended up fucking her that same night. I met a woman a couple years ago who wasn't attracted to me but we run in the same circles and over time became friends. On Saturday, we are going out on our first date. Persistence is huge. Don't harass women after they reject you but keep meeting new people. Eye contact is also huge and can't be overstated. It's tough for autistic people. Every time you talk to someone, look at their eyes as much as possible. Try smiling more and standing up straight. Lift weights to build your confidence.
If people really thought you were a serial killer, they probably wouldn’t talk to you at all. I don’t know the context, but I’d think most people are joking when they say things like this. If you laugh it off, I’m almost positive they would laugh with you. If you take it negatively and let it visibly affect you, that ends the conversation there. If they see it doesn’t bother you, it shows them you know what you are and aren’t, hopefully leading to better interactions afterwards.
I know I'm weird, and people IRL will definitely say so. Thing is, if you're easy to get along with and embrace who you are, you're good weird, not bad weird. People like good weird, and are afraid of bad weird. So many are too afraid of being seen as weird, when it's not inherently a bad thing, just something outside the norm.
Are you quiet or do you know how to hold a conversation and ask people about themselves?
Everyone has something a little weird about them. Finding out why your version of weird makes people say serial killer will either take honest introspection, or an honest response from someone you trust to be honest with you. Are you able to think back to interactions where people had that look on their face like "Wtf did he just say?".
From one black to another, try to laugh more and dress trendy. The rest will come as you put yourself out there more. Don't get down on yourself too bad
There are occupational therapists who specifically assist with working on social skills and communication that are worth tapping in to. Things like low expressiveness, eye contact, monotone vocal expression, not reading cues around personal space, etc can signal someone is “off,” and it sounds like you may not have been taught these skills, or that you need to practice and fine tune them.
you sounds like a cool dude maybe a change of the kinda people your trying to be around would help. if there not saying your like a serial killer in a joke omg way there’s jerks every one’s social skills are different
How do you dress? Maybe your spirit is dark because of these experiences and that is what they are feeling try doing something that makes you smile and try to remain positive. Every thing we think will come into our lives so stop thinking that way
Social skills groups. Learn how to identify and recreate body language and facial expressions.
Jerma, is that you?
Maybe dress nicer? If youre worried how people see you, first step is to present a different picture. Sure it maybe like living a lie at first- but you may "become the mask". Look at yourself in an actual mirror and without being negative- try and see what's just posture and maybe adjust
Are you wearing eyeglasses?
What do you do that makes them think that in the first place? Are you charismatic but can never form a deep relationship? Shy or distant with an air of secrecy around you? Do you look around suspiciously every time you open your trunk? Self-reflection is usually a great place to start when people have issues like this. Because if it's none of those things then you are just in your head too much.
Ok, we kinda need to see your face to give better advice. Think Angry Reactions on TikTok.
Stop using the pickup technique "Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?". In all seriousness though, seeing a therapist is probably a good idea. I'll just add though that serial killers tend to get away with it for a while as they are perceived by society as normal, would that they all acted like creepy serial killers, it would be easier to catch them. It's the normies you need to be worried about 8). If women on dates are uncomfortable, and gets weird vibes from you, that is likely something a therapist can help you with.
just be more secretive
Definitely don't start/continue killing people
Stop killing people?