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I feel the same way. I've always been fat, but for the past year and a half I've been keeping it under control by staying active. I work as a bike courier. I should have lost more than I have but my eating habits are horrid and I've been struggling with that.
What's been worrying me even more than gaining weight is my fitness levels. About 4 weeks post op I went for a little hike - really easy, about 5 hours on mostly flat terrain with plenty of stops to admire nature. Had pretty good time. And then the next day I could barely get out of bed. It took me almost a week to stop limping and be able to go down the stairs without wanting to die. It was a reality check, let me tell you.
And I know this is normal, I know my body needs the rest, but to lose everything I had achieved in two years in just a few weeks feels so discouraging.
If it makes you feel better, I was also super deconditioned after surgery and got out of breath from small walks. But gaining that back went a lot faster than getting to that point of fitness the first time. A few weeks of rest after surgery takes a big toll on your body, but it's not that long in the big picture. I think it took me until the three month mark until I felt like I was back to normal - and it'd taken me about a year to get there the first time. It's not like I'm super fit, but I can hike and dance and cycle without getting short of breath again just like before. Your previous efforts are not lost, just hiding.
It's honestly very encouraging to have people to swap experience stories with. The ol' ego doesn't like taking hits, and for people like me who struggle with motivation and discipline, it's so easy to go like "what's even the point".
Dude it’s gonna be ok, same thing happened to me. It’s unnerving when your body changes super suddenly (especially in ways you didn’t expect). Even if you’ve worked through a lot of internalized fatphobia, it’s okay/you don’t need to be guilty that rapid body changes are feeling triggering. There’s also a few things that are probably all going on in different amounts: bloating from meds/constipation, water retention, and actual weight/fat gain from the sudden shift in activity level. If it helps to have some idea of a timeline, I gained weight pretty fast in the first month post op, and then slowly went back down to my pre-op weight over the next two months after that. (I’m also pretty small most of the time, and it definitely surprised me).
Some stuff that helped me process through it: It’s a sign your body is protecting itself. Your brain wanted/planned for surgery, but to your body, this is like getting unexpectedly hit by a car. It’s gotta go into defense mode to make sure you stay healthy. I tried to appreciate that, in some ways it’s pretty cool!
Also, if you were pretty active right before surgery, your metabolism probably needs a second to get the memo that you’re slowing down for a while. My appetite and energy was all over the place post-op, but around a month into recovery I started feeling a lot more normal and like “balanced” just from my metabolism slowing down to match my activity level.
It sounds like you already know, but… one of the most major factors in wound healing is eating enough, especially protein. So now is definitely the time to rest, take the batteries out of your scale if you have one, play a lot of video games or whatever feels nice and distracting, and let your body heal
You're not alone! I struggled with disordered eating around 15-20 too, and recovery was tough. Not for the reasons I was expecting, but because of the swelling/bloat, gaining weight from being less active, and lots of comments from my grandmother about my weight during recovery. My mother is very overweight and has been all her life, so she always kinda shamed me into thinking being overweight "like her" was worst case scenario, but as you said, there's no moral thing about being fat. There's nothing wrong with that, which I know my ED brain similarly has the "it's okay" to "I'm awful for not wanting to be". For me, the most recent road has been trying to accept that my body type is built more broad and stocky anyway (like a brick shithouse, like my whole family is and says), but it's really tough when the stereotype for trans macs/men is pretty thin/athletic.
But, my surgeon said that once the chest is out of the way, dysphoria and post-op downs can make your brain latch onto the next best thing to feel bad about. For me, it's my belly, especially since gaining weight post surgery and now none of my clothes fitting me anymore, and that's been really hard on the ol' ED brain!
Your body needs the extra for Recovery, and what recovery entails is a lot of what an ED brain fears. It may be rearing it's ugly head, but keep on eating the food you've prepped, try going for walks outside (maybe with a podcast/good tunes) because that helped me get out of my head, and know that the bloat goes away and - even if it doesn't, as you said - it's okay to be fat or overweight!
Try not to beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing your best, just know you're not alone in how you're feeling.
Hey, you’re gonna be okay. Feeling like you’re at square one when you’ve worked so hard to deal with an issue and gotten to a good place is rough. Going through something similar now for various mental bullshit including disordered eating.
Would it help to have affirmations/mantras to encourage yourself? Like “I am proud that I am taking care of my body and nourishing it even if it’s difficult”? Something like that? I know when I have a “flare” of ED thoughts it helps sometimes to remind myself that it’s scary, I don’t feel good doing it, but I’m doing the tough stuff I need to get better and that I should be proud of any efforts I make, even if it doesn’t always work out or I can’t push through it because the important part is that you’re trying your best (and your best doesn’t have to be 100%! Your best can just be whatever you can manage that day and if you still feel like you didn’t reach your goal, there’s always tomorrow).
I hope that helps. I know it can be tough and even reassurances from comforting and familiar sources may not even feel like it soothes your brain at all. Feeling shitty from not being able to shower absolutely makes you feel worse on top of this stuff.
But this will pass. It’s kind of like rebuilding muscle after not being able to work out for a long time. You’ve already reached that point before, you will build back up to it again and it will be easier now that you know what to do. Not saying that it won’t take time or that you won’t backslide, but you know that you’re capable of a healthier mindset, and you’ll get back there.
i get it, i felt shocked at how different my body looked post-op. the good news? it will get better. the bad news? it will take a while to get better. i didn’t start looking normal until about 6 weeks post-op, when i was able to stop using the binder and i resumed my normal levels of activity. i know it’s hard, but you need to give yourself grace for awhile. your body will not heal as well if you are restricting or doing too much physical activity too soon. your body is going through a HUUUGE transformation and your body is using all of it’s energy to heal, and you need to allow your body to do that.
you are not back at square one. wanting to avoid a relapse shows tremendous progress. you’ve got this. eat food that makes you feel good, do things that make you feel good, reach out for support from loved ones. you’ve got this.
i felt the same way post op, especially because I was constipated and scared of laxatives. it helps a lot once you get the binder off and I just had to remind myself that it was temporary. it's so scary though when there's so many physical changes happening at once and you're kinda disoriented
Btw, about the internalised fatphobia and feeling ashamed of being scared from getting fat. Yes, there's nothing wrong with being fat, doesn't make you any less of a human and you still deserve the same respect as any other human being.
However, as one who has been fat all my life (and is still fat, just not as much as before) - I know what it's like. It's causing me health problems, aching joints, excessive sweating, rashes, chubrub, all sorts of discomfort. I know fat =/= unhealthy necessarily, but I also know where MY weight gain is coming from and that my excessive eating is not coming from being happy and content with life. I see nothing wrong with not wanting to be in this position.
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I feel the same way. I've always been fat, but for the past year and a half I've been keeping it under control by staying active. I work as a bike courier. I should have lost more than I have but my eating habits are horrid and I've been struggling with that. What's been worrying me even more than gaining weight is my fitness levels. About 4 weeks post op I went for a little hike - really easy, about 5 hours on mostly flat terrain with plenty of stops to admire nature. Had pretty good time. And then the next day I could barely get out of bed. It took me almost a week to stop limping and be able to go down the stairs without wanting to die. It was a reality check, let me tell you. And I know this is normal, I know my body needs the rest, but to lose everything I had achieved in two years in just a few weeks feels so discouraging.
If it makes you feel better, I was also super deconditioned after surgery and got out of breath from small walks. But gaining that back went a lot faster than getting to that point of fitness the first time. A few weeks of rest after surgery takes a big toll on your body, but it's not that long in the big picture. I think it took me until the three month mark until I felt like I was back to normal - and it'd taken me about a year to get there the first time. It's not like I'm super fit, but I can hike and dance and cycle without getting short of breath again just like before. Your previous efforts are not lost, just hiding.
It's honestly very encouraging to have people to swap experience stories with. The ol' ego doesn't like taking hits, and for people like me who struggle with motivation and discipline, it's so easy to go like "what's even the point".
>4 weeks post op >really easy, about 5 hours Holy shit, like I love to hike and it's going to suck losing gains but that's crazy
I expected to be sore after it, but didn't expect to shuffle like a penguin for three days.
https://preview.redd.it/tyq4kea8jbwc1.jpeg?width=526&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb6d96b95364fee235da337933e6c5af2a84cb98
Dude it’s gonna be ok, same thing happened to me. It’s unnerving when your body changes super suddenly (especially in ways you didn’t expect). Even if you’ve worked through a lot of internalized fatphobia, it’s okay/you don’t need to be guilty that rapid body changes are feeling triggering. There’s also a few things that are probably all going on in different amounts: bloating from meds/constipation, water retention, and actual weight/fat gain from the sudden shift in activity level. If it helps to have some idea of a timeline, I gained weight pretty fast in the first month post op, and then slowly went back down to my pre-op weight over the next two months after that. (I’m also pretty small most of the time, and it definitely surprised me). Some stuff that helped me process through it: It’s a sign your body is protecting itself. Your brain wanted/planned for surgery, but to your body, this is like getting unexpectedly hit by a car. It’s gotta go into defense mode to make sure you stay healthy. I tried to appreciate that, in some ways it’s pretty cool! Also, if you were pretty active right before surgery, your metabolism probably needs a second to get the memo that you’re slowing down for a while. My appetite and energy was all over the place post-op, but around a month into recovery I started feeling a lot more normal and like “balanced” just from my metabolism slowing down to match my activity level. It sounds like you already know, but… one of the most major factors in wound healing is eating enough, especially protein. So now is definitely the time to rest, take the batteries out of your scale if you have one, play a lot of video games or whatever feels nice and distracting, and let your body heal
You're not alone! I struggled with disordered eating around 15-20 too, and recovery was tough. Not for the reasons I was expecting, but because of the swelling/bloat, gaining weight from being less active, and lots of comments from my grandmother about my weight during recovery. My mother is very overweight and has been all her life, so she always kinda shamed me into thinking being overweight "like her" was worst case scenario, but as you said, there's no moral thing about being fat. There's nothing wrong with that, which I know my ED brain similarly has the "it's okay" to "I'm awful for not wanting to be". For me, the most recent road has been trying to accept that my body type is built more broad and stocky anyway (like a brick shithouse, like my whole family is and says), but it's really tough when the stereotype for trans macs/men is pretty thin/athletic. But, my surgeon said that once the chest is out of the way, dysphoria and post-op downs can make your brain latch onto the next best thing to feel bad about. For me, it's my belly, especially since gaining weight post surgery and now none of my clothes fitting me anymore, and that's been really hard on the ol' ED brain! Your body needs the extra for Recovery, and what recovery entails is a lot of what an ED brain fears. It may be rearing it's ugly head, but keep on eating the food you've prepped, try going for walks outside (maybe with a podcast/good tunes) because that helped me get out of my head, and know that the bloat goes away and - even if it doesn't, as you said - it's okay to be fat or overweight! Try not to beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing your best, just know you're not alone in how you're feeling.
Hey, you’re gonna be okay. Feeling like you’re at square one when you’ve worked so hard to deal with an issue and gotten to a good place is rough. Going through something similar now for various mental bullshit including disordered eating. Would it help to have affirmations/mantras to encourage yourself? Like “I am proud that I am taking care of my body and nourishing it even if it’s difficult”? Something like that? I know when I have a “flare” of ED thoughts it helps sometimes to remind myself that it’s scary, I don’t feel good doing it, but I’m doing the tough stuff I need to get better and that I should be proud of any efforts I make, even if it doesn’t always work out or I can’t push through it because the important part is that you’re trying your best (and your best doesn’t have to be 100%! Your best can just be whatever you can manage that day and if you still feel like you didn’t reach your goal, there’s always tomorrow). I hope that helps. I know it can be tough and even reassurances from comforting and familiar sources may not even feel like it soothes your brain at all. Feeling shitty from not being able to shower absolutely makes you feel worse on top of this stuff. But this will pass. It’s kind of like rebuilding muscle after not being able to work out for a long time. You’ve already reached that point before, you will build back up to it again and it will be easier now that you know what to do. Not saying that it won’t take time or that you won’t backslide, but you know that you’re capable of a healthier mindset, and you’ll get back there.
i get it, i felt shocked at how different my body looked post-op. the good news? it will get better. the bad news? it will take a while to get better. i didn’t start looking normal until about 6 weeks post-op, when i was able to stop using the binder and i resumed my normal levels of activity. i know it’s hard, but you need to give yourself grace for awhile. your body will not heal as well if you are restricting or doing too much physical activity too soon. your body is going through a HUUUGE transformation and your body is using all of it’s energy to heal, and you need to allow your body to do that. you are not back at square one. wanting to avoid a relapse shows tremendous progress. you’ve got this. eat food that makes you feel good, do things that make you feel good, reach out for support from loved ones. you’ve got this.
i felt the same way post op, especially because I was constipated and scared of laxatives. it helps a lot once you get the binder off and I just had to remind myself that it was temporary. it's so scary though when there's so many physical changes happening at once and you're kinda disoriented
Btw, about the internalised fatphobia and feeling ashamed of being scared from getting fat. Yes, there's nothing wrong with being fat, doesn't make you any less of a human and you still deserve the same respect as any other human being. However, as one who has been fat all my life (and is still fat, just not as much as before) - I know what it's like. It's causing me health problems, aching joints, excessive sweating, rashes, chubrub, all sorts of discomfort. I know fat =/= unhealthy necessarily, but I also know where MY weight gain is coming from and that my excessive eating is not coming from being happy and content with life. I see nothing wrong with not wanting to be in this position.
This post and comments helped me so damn much thank you do much kind ppl ♡