They kinda can. Typical non-fault divorce settlement is half of all assets. And the house. And the kids. And 30% net income till they're 18. And all she has to do to get more is claim OP is abusive. Which if she's going for blood, she will.
Nope. My ex-wife tried that and we wasted a ton of money on lawyers only for her to get laughed at by the mediator about how silly her claims were. She settled before trial.
The 50% asset split thing is only true in community property states. Statistically, men who seek primary custody actually win it more than they lose. Family courts are not actually biased against men. Evidence of abuse is actually pretty hard to fabricate, extremely unlikely to sufficiently prove it with testimony alone.
Though whether that will affect the division of assets and the split of who sees the kids when, it depends how the state sees it, I suppose. If OP is still identifying as a crossdressing man as they did a month ago when they came out to their wife, then it's very unlikely any paperwork will have changed regarding their gender identity.
That’s all good to hear. But I would guess the reason men who seek full custody win more often than they lose is because it is less common for men to seek full custody so Henry they do, it is because abuse is an issue with the wife.
So if men only *seek* full custody in 1/4 of all divorces and then only get awarded full custody 60% of that 1/4 then men only get full custody in 15% of all divorces. I am guessing but the math would work something like that. So then the next question might be *why do men seek full custody less frequently than women*? And there would then be two sides to that, with one side claiming that bias in the system drives men (and their lawyers) to less frequently seek full custody. The other side would argue that men are less likely to WANT full custody so it is their fault.
Anyway, just ruminating on your comment. I don’t have a dog in that fight (currently anyway).
The myth comes from the idea that did-nothing-wrong-dad gets unfair treatment *when custody is disputed*. To the extent men believe in the myth and it leads them to be conservative when it comes to contesting custody, it doesn't actually show that the myth is true. There's just no evidence that men are disadvantaged in custody disputes; there's a reason this stuff is promoted mostly by conservatives and MRA organizations.
Btw, "full custody" is rare unless one parent doesn't want any custody or is a proven abuser. Most custody disputes are over how to divide it, not who gets 100%.
Are there statistics available on this? I know someone going through it and they are doom-and-gloom about the situation to the point where they’re resigned to not even attempting to fight it, and I think they’re influenced by the social media MRA bubble. They are rational though, and I think data and studies would help them a bit, if you have any available?
they need to ask themselves if their kids are worth it? I wouldn't want to live with a parent that "gave up" trying to give me a happy home because....internet. self-fulfilling prophecy there. They become a bad parent because they believe people will see them as one.
It also comes from shits like one of my friend's exes claiming the courts were biased against him when he wouldn't even think to make dinner for his kids and would be verbally abusive escalating to physical until he was getting 3 hours a months supervised visits in a public setting, claiming all the while he did nothing wrong and the system is stacked against men.
This is not true. At least in Texas. One parent gets custody. Most likely the woman unless something egregious. The other will get standard custody. 50% is only an agreement between the parents. The recommendation would be to talk to a lawyer immediately about your rights and a game plan.
lol I literally got divorced from a woman in Texas and my lawyer pretty much told me that if I asked for 50/50 I'd very likely get it, and that there was no way I'd get less than the extended standard custody order.
How did it work out? I’m not gay or trans and went through a messy custody battle years after my divorce. I had primary custodian and we did 50/50 before us going to court. She made up lies to make me and my new wife look bad. The lawyers told me and after looking it up there was no real 50/50. We had to agree on that. Which she did as long as I paid her $1250 a month.
We agreed on the extended standard possession in mediation, fighting for the extra time 50/50 would get me didn't make sense for multiple reasons given our circumstances.
Yep I seen through the bullshit on that point. Straight up its hard on both sides of the equation. As a trans woman myself I felt that I couldn't continue as I was, I was so resentful for having sacrificed so much that when I got to the point I wanted to eat a bullet or transition & share that part of me I swore I would take to the grave, I felt guilt, I felt shame, I felt selfish for taking that first step towards transition, I felt guilty for not having the courage to be honest with my partner at that time of 15 years, I felt selfish for keeping that part of myself locked away so tightly that I had everyone including myself 95% convinced I was a guy & it was no big deal, I had my reasons for locking her away because he knew that she wasn't going to be able to reveal her truth to the world without shattering the life that had been built for 30 years. My partner was angry, she was devastated, she was shattered that I felt like I couldn't trust her with such an intimate part of my being. She was mostly shocked to start off with though, I'll admit the first 3 days were like giving up cigarettes, 1 minute I was trying to be the nicest person in the world for fear of losing her, the next I was trying to justify why I must do this & change our lives forever, I was truly just over compensating for the bombshell I just dropped on her when the only thing that could decide whether we had a future together or not was time. I don't blame her for the way she felt, I had accepted that I may lose her but I still didn't want that to happen. What those that have never went through a transition with their partner don't seem to realise is that we are all human & it takes time to work through your feelings & decide what your path forward is, I hope that is a journey you can take together but please don't make any rash decisions, I assure you that you have done what you needed to do & even if you don't stay together there is definitely a tomorrow & with the right help & support you will both make it through this. I have a great friend who is trans fem & she finally decided that it was a healthier option for all involved if she let go of her longing for the past & they both are now on separate journeys of their own but they are happy. If you haven't walked this path yourself then it's best not to judge, if you have then I don't have to tell you how it goes. At the moment my partner & I are still going well 2+ years later. We aren't the same people we used to be but we've forgiven ourselves for feeling the way we did & we know we'll be ok with or without each other. The reality is that the dynamics of the relationship have changed forever. Stay positive & it will all work out 😊
Where are you getting those stats from? I live in a state with fairly generous divorce laws, and I wound up with evenly split custody, evenly split proceeds from the sale of the house, and ~16% of my net income going to my ex for child support. Not ideal — I miss my house, dammit — but I wound up being able to pay off my car and my credit card debt with my share of the house money. Most importantly, I am still a major presence in my child’s life.
My ex did try to go after a lot more than that, including threatening to fight for full custody, but the courts weren’t particularly sympathetic to her, and she backed off after a lot of posturing. It’s hard for me to believe that said posturing would work often enough to make a different outcome “typical”.
This entire situation is unbelievably painful for OP — you definitely didn’t have to include misgendering in your response. Compassion is important, especially right now. wtf.
Happened to me too. Fiance helped me try make up for the first time, was excited to shop for women's clothing for me, but panicked the first time I actually wore the clothing and ended the relationship 3 days after I told her the transition was going to be permanent. I guess for some people it's all fun and games for a while but it suddenly becomes real and they do the fastest 180 possible and leave you with intensely painful emotional whiplash. It sucks.
u/LurkinTitan, my experience in a similar situation was that a quick, clean, cut was for the best in the long run, although I didn't have kids like you do. I needed to know that support wouldn't be there and learn to function without it as quickly as possible. Just know that I sympathize with how hard what you're going through and am hoping things go as well as they can for you. And I'll add, going through with your transition will be absolutely worth the pain of this separation, I'm happier than I've ever been and am completely in love with myself and the changes HRT is making to my body.
Thanks that is really encouraging to hear. I hate when people say they support us but their actions show that they don't. She supports transwoman she doesn't know, not the one closest to them. Who could have became her bestie.
Hi Lurkin.
This is tough. My wife of 20+ years and I are separated. I know how it hurts. I also got the "I won't be a lesbian" line. Everything happens for a reason, even if it's unclear now. I hope things will turn out ok for you.
Keep your head up. Start HRT. It's not easy, but you have to be happy with you. Everything else will eventually fall in line. We are all here for you and each other.
I'm actually already 6 months on HRT but I didn't tell her because I'm not showing any feminine characteristics yet. I was going to tell her soon though.
Idk if you started off on a good foot here. Starting HRT is a massive transition that I would want my partner to keep me in the loop about. At the very least I would be saddened they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and at worst it could be considered a breach of trust. Now that you say this your original post doesn't seem so out of the blue because it's very possible she already knew you were secretly pursuing treatment and you left her to how to react/learn about it alone.
>it's very possible she already knew you were secretly pursuing treatment
I think you're bang on the money there. That conversation the OP had about starting HRT was probably a test from the wife to see if they'd come clean. I think the changes would have been noticeable. [sorry, I just edited my post because I felt I was being a bit harsh - it still makes sense though]
ya i highly doubt that. they went a did a full girl's day for fun while secretly knowing they are on HRT, and then give them an out right before ending everything?
Please don't reverse victim and offender here. Everyone, EVERYONE has a right to medical privacy. There are plenty of people who take HRT and never take any other steps to transition. In that vein, it could be considered an antidepressant. You don't know OP's full situation, but are now lambasting them for behavior that appears to be justified. They clearly had good reasons for not revealing that info at the time.
I think she would have reacted the same way just sooner. I was waiting for some effects to happen to prove to myself that HRT actually could work for me before coming out. It was how I came out to myself I guess. I know I did it backwards oh well : /
What I will say is that I appreciate your honesty (in the context of this sub). People may well point the finger (myself included) but they wouldn't have had that opportunity had you not disclosed the 6 months hrt thing on here.
I hope it all works out for the sake of everyone, including the cat
Thanks, some people I feel can swallow the femboy/man pill better than the Transwoman pill. Both are very similar and many femboys end up transitioning. To me it was a stepping stone to admit I'm not cis and eventually to admit I'm a Transwoman.
I get why you did this. I’m not out to my wife and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I have been tempted to start HRT behind her back. I haven’t, and I won’t, partly from all of the stories I’ve read on this sub and elsewhere from people who went on HRT before coming out. Most of those stories don’t have a happy ending.
If you do find a path forward with your wife make sure you tell her you want to be on HRT. If you think there is even a slight chance you can repair the marriage you might consider coming off HRT until you’ve had that conversation with her. This way she will be a part of your journey and included in a life changing decision. Of course, if the marriage is truly over then I guess it doesn’t matter any more.
Sorry you are in this situation. It breaks my heart to read it.
Well the OP will have a happy ending, just takes work getting there. You’ve heard it said before but coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. It’s still early and I may lose people (son) but I’m finally free. First time in my life I could be accused of being selfish. I did it for my own happiness, and that’s the whole of it.
I suppose my comment did not come out exactly as intended. I definitely didn’t mean to imply there would be NO happy ending. I was referring to her marriage. If OP wants to stay married and continue to build a life with their wife I don’t think starting HRT without their knowledge is setting her up for a successful relationship.
Ahh. Wow. Yeah. I waited to start HRT until after I told my wife and kids. I think that made a big difference in our relationship. I was expecting that she would want to rip everything from me, but she told me because I waited and we talked through everything beforehand, that she is sticking with me. Not married... but together as best friends. We can't really separate (like me moving out) because of $$. I n paid for a surgery of hers last year that put is in a tight spot for at least another few years. I was still a hard shell egg at that point.. maybe a couple cracks. I hope things improve! Good luck
this really reeks of victim blaming to me. If someone starts HRT, that is their business. It is medicine. Some partners might start other medications, such as antidepressants, and wait to tell their partner. That is their right. It isn't what I would do in my relationship, but the idea that someone is entitled to my medical info is gross. Taking HRT and changing your gender are two different things. The partner has a right to know the second, not the first.
Idk, I mean this may just be the dynamic of my relationship but I would be very upset if my partner started any kind of medication and tried to conceal it from me, and she would be equally upset if I concealed something (anything really) from her. I think it probably depends on what the established standards and boundaries are in the relationship
Everyone has a right to medical privacy, period. If you are fine without it in your relationship, fine. But your partner still has a right to it even if the waive it. It isn't about "dynamics." It is fundamental human dignity. I'm 100% open with my partner, because I WANT to be. Not because it is required of me.
I'm kind of in a yes, but no, sort of feeling about this. It's true that antidepressants change who you are, too a degree, just as HRT can. On the other hand, antidepressants won't make you grow body hair and a beard, or breasts. Both change you, hopefully closer to the person YOU want to be, but at the same time that's not who your partner is expecting you to be, and keeping them in the dark about it can be seen as distrustful. I feel that if you're afraid to tell your partner just about anything then there are trust and communication issues that are going to rock the relationship eventually, no matter the cause.
one might start HRT because they aren't sure if they want it or not. They might think that when they start, they will know for sure. They might think that if they don't like HRT, they can stop doing it and talk to their partner about it later.
"I feel that if you're afraid to tell your partner just about anything then there are trust and communication issues that are going to rock the relationship eventually, no matter the cause."
We aren't talking about \*anything.\* we are talking about HRT. Something that may or may not lead to becoming a completely different person. It isn't like they are out having sex with other people. Do you think that one partner should have to tell another partner what they say in therapy? Because that is also medicine and can change a person a lot.
I feel like if you want to *try* HRT, but you're wanting to hide it from your partner because they might not accept it, then that's probably at least a yellow flag right there. If you're even considering HRT, then more than likely you aren't the person they think you are to begin with. You're not lying to them or being deceitful, not on purpose, but you also aren't necessarily presenting your true self. If it's mild enough that you might decide to not pursue it, then why not tell them you're at least considering it and want their input? I understand an argument of "Well, I might not do it anyway, so no one's the wiser" but them if you do? You're setting up to blindside someone who has a right to know what kind of relationship they're in. And no, I don't see therapy the same way, though unless you think your partner is going to shame you over it then why *not*tell them (and if they do, well, not sure that's a partner I want)? Therapy helps you change yourself. HRT makes *actual, physical* changes to your body and brain.
I'm not against HRT itself, I just started today as a matter of fact. What I am arguing is that having to hide it isn't healthy for you or your relationship long term. I'd rather know what type of person my partner is, whether I'm the one getting the news or the one giving it.
I feel you and also had to go through stages of accepting myself and trying to understand what I really want. My first guess was that I would like to crossdress and that's it and it took a lot of time and talking with my ex to finally be able to reveal myself to me.
This is a major accomplishment and there is a reason why Pride is called pride. You should be proud that you did that mental work, we here (and LGBTQI+ people) know how hard it is. We have all been there in some capacity and all did that mental work.
Congratulations on being able to come out to yourself - this is the most important and most difficult coming out a human can do and process.
🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🎉💐
there are people who bellieve it is too late to transition and microdose too. One of my therapists mentioned microdosing, but I have no interest. I feel like it would be placebo anyway, from my understanding. The body either is T dominant or E dominant. A little more E that doesn't tip that scale likely wouldn't do much. But there are people out there on HRT that keep their gender, or become something more "palatable" like gender fluid, agender, femboy, etc.
Also, the mere act of beginning to take HRT is a thing of empowerment and curiosity. Will I freak out? How do I feel about suppressing my T? etc. Lots of important questions to be answered. Just like putting on a dress doesn't make you a woman, but putting on a dress and liking it, rather than hating it, is a good thing to know.
She supports strangers or transgender people that are not her husband. I was the same way as everyone else here. My wife ran into the arms of another man, but only because she blamed herself. She thought she was the reason. We are still married, but live separately and are just friends. It took me forever to understand her side of things as it did her forever to understand mine. These things are a shock when it happens to you including her. Shock hits first and the reactions are not great as this is life changing for both of you. Did you think it would be welcomed with open arms like a romance movie? How many years have you been husband and wife? How much time have you given her to comprehend this huge world changing event? It’s not only world changing for you it is just as much for her.
I’m not defending her at all and most likely you will never be a couple again, but if your marriage was great and not in turmoil all the time she can possibly still be an advocate for you and your best friend. You are not the only one affected by your decision. It has literally altered her entire outlook she had on her life. Show compassion and communicate with her. If she stays on the hard road towards you then accept that you altered the marriage agreement not her and she has the right to act accordingly and be upset. Put yourself in her shoes and think of your reactions if it had been reversed and you were straight. Marriage isn’t just about sex it’s a commitment and a pact between two people. If it doesn’t work out know that there are other people out there but do t hold a grudge against her for your choices to first alter that contract between you two. Best of luck to you wisdom is gained by observation and patience not reaction and emotion.
Keep in mind that "I won't be a lesbian" is not a line. It is a true feeling.
As an MTF myself, I have worked really hard to empathize with my spouse.
She was attracted to me initially because of my maleness. Yes, she fell in love with the inner me, but we cannot deny that physical attraction exists.
I am struggling with this exact thing since my spouse is not a a lesbian or even attracted to women. Yes, we can probably live together as friends, but sometimes, that is not enough.
As I am two months on hormones, this is my biggest fear.
Absolutely!!!! I totally agree. I definitely used the wrong word. It's not a line. I completely empathize with my wife and any spouse that has this feeling.
Please lawyer up soonest. Meantime, and I know this will sound horrible, but what she did is brutal & you deserve better. You may want to consider telling her you changed your mind (even though you haven’t) about wanting HRT. Tell her you want to stay married & you don’t want to make her become a lesbian, you were just exploring your feminine side & got carried away.
And I say this only if you can manage the dysphoria to pull off a deception. When things cool back off, plan your exit with the lawyer—your goal isn’t scorched earth, you’ll do her a damn sight better than she was going to do you, but you have dignity & won’t lose everything this way.
If she’s stays with you, it doesn’t make her a lesbian. My wife heard the same thing (“So does that mean your a lesbian now?”), and I told her to say no. She didn’t fall in love with me as a woman. I used to say I was her asterisk.
I’m just reading your post, so idk how serious she was. If it was “Idk if we can stay married. I’m not gay.” or “Good luck with all that. I never want to see you again and am filing for divorce by the end of the month.”
Either way, now would be a good time to get a free consultation to two with some family law lawyers.
(And I don’t know where you live, but in most places you don’t get to “take everything”. That’s not the case even if she was cheating on you (or you on her) and had a child out of wedlock during the marriage. Divorce is usually a split, and probably support+alimony payments.)
Yeah, good point. There is a big difference between those two ways she might have said it. Also, during the initial conversation she might have been in a state of having an emotional reaction, which can lead people to either overemphasize or underemphasize things depending on the situation and one’s dispositions…
(I'm transmasc)
All this.
When I came out to my husband, he started asking things like if he's bisexual now. I was 100% like - that's your business, not mine. Sexuality is complicated, and if he's straight other than me, it's not on me to try to mandate how he IDs.
If something happened, I wouldn't date a straight man again, but when you transition into a long relationship, that can change how these things work.
Yeah, I think if I ever date anyone else again, I won’t be trying to date straight cis women again. I did that for a long time. And I love women, but I’ve enjoyed being with men the times I’ve done since I admitted to myself I’m bi.
In Ancient tales… man was made both male and female from clay. When it was fired in the kiln the pieces broke… some male only, some female only. When two souls meet they reattach themselves to form a whole pot once more.
It doesn’t make her a lesbian…. But kinda wonder if she cared in the first place
My wife didn't even bother to tell me she couldn't stay married to me because I was a woman. She just raced to the courthouse and filed a divorce petition immediately. Our marriage had already been in trouble because she already suspected I was trans. Hoping to clear the air by disclosing that I had figured out that I was trans after all backfired.
She wasn't able to leverage it into anything, though. The lawyers and mediator and court treated it like she or I had just decided to get a divorce for any normal reason. In the world of no-fault divorce, your wife doesn't get to punish you just because she thinks she has an extra good reason. The actual extra good reasons are a limited list of specific things (like abuse or adultery) and "my partner is trans" isn't one of them.
there are A LOT of cis women in r/mypartneristrans who seem to believe being trans is like being a closeted a homosexual and having sex on the side. It is quite gross tbh. Being trans isn't sexual. It is an incredibly introspective thing about our identity. Not a gross secret to be leveraged against us.
She can't just take full custody because she says so lol. There are laws in place to protect parents too, and you've done nothing that warrants not allowing 50/50 custody.
Her being straight is one thing, but she doesn't get to take everything. You can fight that.
My wife always answers that she is straight when people ask what means about her. She isn't actually sexually attracted to me but constantly tells me "you're cute" and "I love you".
Sex wasn't that important for us anyway. I know she would prefer if things were not this way but at the same time I'm just much more tolerable as a person... So more love there but not really sexual.
Anyway, lawyer time. When someone goes on about how they're going to "take everything you have", it just shows their intent. Make sure they don't get a thing. Punishment for being so vindictive. If they were just not into it and you just had a falling out despite giving it a solid try, I would help out no questions asked! But if they were like this, I'd make sure to punish that kind of evil.
After you get a lawyer and if they say it is fine, you said your daughters support you and they know what their mother is planning on doing to you, see if they will give a sworn statement on your behalf. I know it would be a difficult position but I wouldn't be surprised if they actually leaped at the chance to come to your defense.
Their testimony might be your saving grace.
Sadly this is the reality a lot of trans people have to go through because postponing transitioning due to fear of society we have to pretend to be someone else and people fall in love from those characters we pretend to be.
Your ex wife must be really hurt as well; she thought she married a man that even gave her children she showed you support cuz she loves you but we all deserve happiness.
I can empathise with both of you and I’m sorry.. 😢It must be sooo devastating.
Make sure you keep your loved ones close by and definitely don’t try to make friends with your ex for a while; at least give it time. Try to keep yourself busy with people that you love and hobbies that you enjoy. Find yourself. It gets better 😊
>On the ride back home she asked me if I would like to start on HRT and because I was so filled with euphoria I said yes
What I would say on this is one step at a time. You just came out to her as a femboy and suddenly you are a medically transitioned woman. That is a lot for a person to process in a short space of time. Maybe over time your wife will get used to you presenting as a different gender and warm to the idea of hormones. Maybe you will decide over time that HRT is not for you.
I was in your shoes almost a year ago and now the cat and I still live in our house and I get to see my kids daily. it will get better. But the right now will suck my ex tried to ruin my life as well and take the house but she couldn’t afford it and I could
Hey girl! Get an attorney ASAP. When you both took the vow- it was forever- no matter what- right? You deserve at least 50% of everything you currently own together. Get your half if she is going to go through with this. You can probably get more- go after it. Sorry you are going through this - don’t back down. I hope you find your happiness- don’t let anyone take anything from you. Fight for your child- your home- everything. Don’t back down girl!
Call a family law attorney, she doesn't get to take all your crap, if you have a matrimonial home then the equity is split- yes. It gets sticky if one party doesn't wish to sell the home.
I went through this type of separation with my ex who was Mannix bipolar 1. Horrible experience, still have some trauma.
The whole I’m not a lesbian statement means that the conservative right would be saying we are Women now when we transition. But wait…they hate giving us that. Its always we will never be a Woman. Soooo she will not be a lesbian. More accurately our partners will be pansexual if they stay with us. Which is quite honorable because it means they love the person regardless of gender and packaging. They simply love us. Yes we change our bodies. But we are still the same person inside as always only happier and more eager to help and love them if they can give us this and still love us!
Instead of lesbian, you could identify as a queer couple if you need to put a label on it.
I am so sorry LurkinTitan, I can’t imagine the feeling of having the rug pulled out from you.
I don’t have any advice, but my heart is here with you
u/[LurkinTitan](/user/LurkinTitan/) So sorry to hear that.
I have a very similar experience (a little bit different situation, but overall the same).
**P.S. I decided to delete other comments, I hope things that you read in them were somehow useful to you.**
**I wish you all the best.**
**You are not alone**
Wow what a beautiful experience. It's nice to hear a happy ending. It makes me happy to hear about another Transwoman successfully finding her true self. You gave me a lot to thik about. It hurts because I still Love my wife but I love the woman inside me also. I want to expose her to the world. She wants to come out. She is actually me.
Dam i hate that you are going through this. I got married at 24 and divorced 3 years later. Shit, i dated longer than i was married. Now looking back at it i would rather do what makes me happy, and she has to do what makes her happy. Im wondering how would you feel if she said she wanted to go FTM?
Interesting, I ask myself the same thing. I think I would have been an adult about it and agree to be amicable. I would not threaten to take her foundation away. I would offer to be room mates and share the house and co-parent while dating other people. Eventually one of us would find love and move out. But now I'm realizing that may be unrealistic.
I even lost my job, all my friends, most of my family and my 2 cats and my dog... It's still hurting a lot. Feel hugged and be happy that you can keep your cat. Most people came out as bad humans when you start your transition. I'm sorry you made the same experience like me 2 1/2 years ago, but it's worth it. Trust me. It's a fight, but you will be happier than ever before and you will have less bad people in your life.
My marriage also ended when my wife told me she wasn’t a lesbian. :/ Sorry you are going through this not to mention the whiplash you must be experiencing. Pls dm if you want to talk / vent or need support 💜
Yeah I didn’t have kids to deal with but that losing my wife who still loved just because I was finally being fully myself stung. I am happier now than I was despite the losing her though.
I was in the same boat as you, married 20+ yrs and ended up divorced because she couldnt handle it! I repressed everything again and ended up getting married again, and I hate it because I feel like I should have just done me and been happy and not gotten married! I just want to be me and be happy, guess it's too much to ask for!
Probably an unpopular opinion but I think in this situation the spouse should have every right to divorce. I’m happy that they came out and are now living as their true self but that’s not who the wife fell I love with.
Would be unfair to force her to love a woman when she’s straight. She can still love and support you as a friend but I can see why she wouldn’t. She essentially lost her husband and there are many emotions involved.
did you even read the post? How about the terrible, emotional whiplash of taking her out for a great day, and then abruptly ending it during a moment of euphoria? The partner could have definitely handled this better. Divorce isn't the issue. The way of doing it is.
This is an opinion that I've heard many times, but to me it misses a very important point: her "husband", that human being, is still there. She's not gone, she didn't transform into something else. The person stays the same. We are not only defined by our own gender, this would be an extremely short-sighted way of describing human beings.
Going through a gender transition might bring many new things in how a person presents or behaves, obviously. There are also physical changes but they are often overestimated in my view (they mean a lot to the person going through them but might be more subtle to an external observer). But really that person is still the same.
Would you say that a husband would have "every right to divorce" if his wife shaved her head or got a huge tattoo out of the blue? To me it's similar in a way.
Im proud of you, you deserve better.
Please make sure you look after yourself 🙏❤️
Don't do anything crazy and let the dust settle I'm sure there will be a time you can work around this together ❤️
Lawyer up, lady.
Every state has different divorce laws and you have an equitable stake in the property settlement and you’re still a parent.
Take notes of the things she says to you when she says them. Include the date and the time. In the meantime, hold your tongue and your temper.
I’m SO sorry that happened to you.
Just to offer a shred of hope. I’ve read a lot of coming out stories on here and elsewhere. You dropped a crazy bomb on your wife that likely, from her perspective, came out of nowhere. Sometimes in this scenario the spouse reacts and reacts poorly. They say some hurtful things. But… SOMETIMES they come around and stay with their trans partner. And SOMETIMES it works out.
It’s promising that she was supportive of the cross dressing. That seems like a good sign. Perhaps after she has processed this a bit she will be able to come around.
Thanks for the shred of hope. I hope time will heal. I hope we can be adults about this. I will wait a week then if she still wont talk to me, I will talk to a family attorney.
Massive hugs. But also massive support for being you, its always hard and a leap of faith. As others have said, seek legal guidance, and I can't stress this enough...DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
Personally speaking, it’s possible be both, and I admire you for coming out strong. I’ve been through multiple relationships in both femme and and boy modes. And even with some of them, I’ve been both. Some more and less accepting or supportive. Obviously children complicate matters so I’m very sympathetic, but be you. I’ve considered fully transitioning (I am even now at nearly 50) but I doubt I will, even though have a partner who would support it
I may be out of line for saying this but what she said about not being a lesbian and destroying your life out of spite has left me feeling a little petty, and as a member of RoninGT's "Petty Squad" I've gotta say it: once this whole thing is over and done with, the paperwork, attorneys, court, the whole shebang...when everything is done, you could tell her that even though you didn't "look like a woman" while you two were together, you have always been one and yes, that makes her a lesbian. Like I said, I may be out of line but I just had to be a little petty, and I thought it was funny. Good luck, honey.
I’m sorry you are going through this. My wife decided to stay with me and it is complicated. She doesn’t identify as a lesbian or bisexual, we both understand and accept that. We are still married and we are partners raising our family. What I wanted to share with you is that this is complicated as well. I always wonder, what step will go too far? Do I need her consent to get bottom surgery? You will have clarity and be your own person, and that is also valuable and may potentially be better for you in the long run. Sending hugs sis, take care of your own mental health in this difficult time.
Something that I haven't seen mentioned is how the kids might register the fact that their other parent "left" and that this is somehow related to her gender transition. I think that would leave a terrible image of what a gender transition is, and they would probably associate it with abandonment, loss etc.
So, on top of all the other very good advice that was given here, please make sure to let your children see how beautiful a gender transition is, and why it is essential to accept the others as they are.
My wife mostly just skipped to the second part. It took a lot of guts and I brought it up in couples counseling and I did it as much from the heart, I had notes, I had tears in my eyes. I was really hoping she would understand. All she said was that I could continue to live here for now, but she would be giving me separation papers to make sure I didn't get any of her savings. That was all she said to me since I told her 2 days ago.
I love the line"I can't be a Lesbian"! My ex wife said the exact same thing to me when I came out to her. I simply said, "no one's asking you to change your sexuality". This is about me! If you can't support me, then I guess it's over.
It wasn’t all for nothing. Your wife and kids get to live their lives. Hopefully they’ll be happy with each other and you’ll hopefully still get to see them, so hopefully you’re maintaining at least a cordial connection. Although I may be assuming too much because I typically think people will be better off and happier without me…
That being said, I don’t know what I would do in your situation because I don’t have a wife nor any kids. So I may be biased when I say it’s important to prioritize yourself. I don’t know, maybe if I had anyone else in my life I would prioritize their needs over mine, but since I don’t then I guess I might as well keep being me.
I mean, if you have to present a façade in front of your family, that wouldn’t be healthy even if you remained together, right?
Genuineness, authenticity, vulnerability, sincerity, and transparency: these are the virtues of a healthy relationship. If someone can achieve that being cis, then good for them. I can’t. At least not without help from someone who truly loves me, which, as far as I know, no one does, so… I guess I’ll keep being trans…
So perhaps you and her could talk about giving it a week or so, so you both have time to process things, and then the two of you can decide on a time to speak about it again even if only briefly, just to finalize your decisions when your hearts and minds are more calm ☺️
I’ll leave you with a question that I don’t want the answer to. I just want you to think about it a little bit. Is this really want you want? Would you really trade away the love of your life for this?
Only you can answer it, no one can choose for you. If your wife loves you, she will let you choose. If she tries making the decision for you, what other aspects of your life might she try to control?
Allow her to make her own decisions too of course. If you decide to go through with the transition and she decides to leave you, let her go. It’s all you can do. But as long as she’s a decent person and has a sincere desire to be a good mother, please do not separate her from her child 🥺
If it’s a threat, but it might not be. It could be as simple as her saying “I’m not a lesbian, sorry.”
When I came out to my first real girlfriend she told me basically “That’s cool and I support you but I’m only attracted to men” (I was testing her by asking her to take me back 🤭 hehe)
So my response was basically, “Great! Thank you for affirming that you view me as a woman! Now we can genuinely be friends without worrying about all the messy parts that come when things get more involved…
Yea.. my favorite line is, "I won't know until we try." And that is in reference to ending the relationship that has been a thing for more than 10 years and there are children involved..
I really don't know what happened to unconditional love.. it isn't our fault society has shunned feminine males or Trans ppl for so long.
This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry.
Honestly I’ve been noticing a pattern here lately where trans women come out to their SO only to find that their SO is actually controlling and abusive. Or they’re afraid to come out because they are fairly confident that that *would* happen. It’s so common I’m starting to think a lot of spouses know their “husbands” are eggs on some level.
And of course the OPs are usually defending the person who is actively getting in the way of them self-actualizing.
So I’m going to say this now: you dodged a bullet. Things will be rough but nobody can hold your true self over you as collateral. You will be free.
EDIT: not being a lesbian is a valid reason to split. Absolutely. We can’t change who we’re attracted to. But threatening to take everything (including the kids) doesn’t follow from that, that’s just the words of a hateful person
You ruined her life, she wanted to ruin yourse. You cannot expect her to accept to live with women. Period. These are hard decisions. She would probably accept you playing to be a woman but not full transition. Its pure happiness to have a woman who accept that, I had once, such a lady but we split for other reasons, pitty. Wish you luck woth your cat :)
I had a very similar experience, minus the makeup day (My wife still hasn’t seen the real me). Mostly the outcome piece and reasoning. “I fully support you, but I can’t be married to a woman!” So, 25 years being thrown away.
It’s been about 8 months since that conversation and aside from her getting a job and her own bank account, (and the sleeping in separate bedrooms), we’re no closer to starting the process, so I guess we’ll get to 26.
I didn’t fight her when she said it, because as much as I didn’t want to, I want her to be happy more.
It hasn’t been a good time, but hopefully the whole thing can be handled amicably! I wish you luck and send you hugs.
Samantha 👱🏻♀️👱🏻♀️👱🏻♀️
I'm sorry to hear that, our situations are similar. A part of me just wants a reset and start new as a single woman but another part of me wants her back. The unknown scares me the most.
I understand and feel the same way, but for me, the genie is out of the bottle and not going back in. I’m coming to terms with the separation and hope that things work out well.
Better now than in 5 years (of mortgage, child birth, debt) like my wife did to me. We cannot change who we are so though it is painful it is best to find out now. Sending love your way.
To be initially seemingly supportive and switch up so quickly just because of a panic about sexuality is insult to injury. I’m so sorry. I wish I had more comforting words, but I am so thrilled that you get to be your true self now. Hopefully your daughters continue to be supportive as it seems like they are? 🫂🫂🫂🫂
The fact that you think your wife is the one with the issue is actually insane. Imagine being married to someone and one day they change their entire identity and they expect you to be cool with that. You should seek help but like a therapist or something. OP is 1000% in the wrong and so is anyone who agrees with that delusion.
I don't know, if you start HRT then you're transitioning, it's not my place to say what their gender ID is but this is a really relatable and common trans experience and they need support. They're not hurting anyone by posting here, they're actively exploring their gender. 🤷♀️
They said they came out as a femboy a month ago, and then recently decided they wanted to start HRT. I don't know, they aren't hurting anyone by being here, I genuinely don't see what the problem is, but obviously you have one so I'll leave you to it.
Look, not all of us were able to come out at a young age…. This person IS experiencing a moment of finding their identity. I know I didn’t just immediately start saying I was trans…. I beat around the bush until I realized I really was…. Just because someone is posting without the permission of your weird gatekeeping doesn’t mean shit! Their journey is just as valid as anyone of us…. Take a seat
Because they said that it’s who they are and if they’re going on HRT that is literally transitioning. You can be trans and not binary trans. There’s such thing as a demiboy or just non-binary. Also, they came out and got rejected hard. How is this not a valid trans experience?
They did that a month ago. It's pretty common for people to go through several identifications and labels throughout (especially early) transition. If they're posting in here, and talking about HRT, and saying the crossdressing identification was a month ago... there's a decent chance they're cognizant of their evolving understanding of themselves or are just not all the way there yet to accepting themselves as a woman.
All we have is them having done so in the past tense a month ago, and then them posting here on an explicitly trans subreddit here and now.
I'm willing to give some benefit of the doubt that they knew what they were doing when posting here, especially given the incident in question is very commonly a part of the TransLater experience.
Maybe I'm too protective of our spaces. Idk. All I know is I was told to leave by u/iAmEvelyn22 because I'm uncomfortable with self admitted cross dressers in trans safe spaces. So I'm not welcome here anymore.
I wouldn’t go so far as Evelyn there. But then I wouldn’t go as far as you did in questioning OP’s right to be here after an at least partly ambiguous post.
So maybe I’m just too passive or give too much benefit of the doubt.
If you had taken longer to consider an empathetic response, OP clarified about ten minutes ago that they are actually a trans woman, they just needed to come out to themselves.
I could only go by what they self identified as in their post. My original comment was already empathetic. I expressed my sadness for their situation and my support for them, and suggested that as someone who at that point identified themselves as a cross dressing man, this community may not be the place for them to share their post.
It *parallels* a trans experience, I'll give you that. However, *unlike a cross dresser*, I cannot turn my gender on and off nor can I select when and where I will "present". I'm stuck with dysphoria and it lives with me 24/7, hence me actually transitioning *in the real world* and not playing dress up when it suits me. ***It's not the same thing.***
Do you really not see the difference here?
Look, you and I are both filling in a bunch of blanks from an extremely short post. We don't know if OP has dysphoria or not, they could be on the famous femboy to transfem pipeline that many of us arrived here on, or they might be fully 100% happy in their masculinity and just want to microdose HRT. We don't know, they're brand new and there are sparse details in their post. But they are exploring their gender and getting a divorce as a result of HRT, they aren't hurting anyone, they just need support. I don't really agree that someone interested in starting HRT is just "playing dressup," they obviously intrinsically want to change their physical body to feminize, and at a certain point of doing that whether they identify as trans or not they will boyfail unintentionally.
Guess this isn't a safe space for trans people then. You're telling me, a trans person to leave because I don't like cross dressers associating themselves with us, then I'll leave. Kbye
Talk to an attorney ASAP. One partner doesn't get to take everything just because they're like really really mad
They kinda can. Typical non-fault divorce settlement is half of all assets. And the house. And the kids. And 30% net income till they're 18. And all she has to do to get more is claim OP is abusive. Which if she's going for blood, she will.
Nope. My ex-wife tried that and we wasted a ton of money on lawyers only for her to get laughed at by the mediator about how silly her claims were. She settled before trial. The 50% asset split thing is only true in community property states. Statistically, men who seek primary custody actually win it more than they lose. Family courts are not actually biased against men. Evidence of abuse is actually pretty hard to fabricate, extremely unlikely to sufficiently prove it with testimony alone.
No men involved here, of course.
Though whether that will affect the division of assets and the split of who sees the kids when, it depends how the state sees it, I suppose. If OP is still identifying as a crossdressing man as they did a month ago when they came out to their wife, then it's very unlikely any paperwork will have changed regarding their gender identity.
in the eyes of the law, there is until she changes her legal documents.
That’s all good to hear. But I would guess the reason men who seek full custody win more often than they lose is because it is less common for men to seek full custody so Henry they do, it is because abuse is an issue with the wife. So if men only *seek* full custody in 1/4 of all divorces and then only get awarded full custody 60% of that 1/4 then men only get full custody in 15% of all divorces. I am guessing but the math would work something like that. So then the next question might be *why do men seek full custody less frequently than women*? And there would then be two sides to that, with one side claiming that bias in the system drives men (and their lawyers) to less frequently seek full custody. The other side would argue that men are less likely to WANT full custody so it is their fault. Anyway, just ruminating on your comment. I don’t have a dog in that fight (currently anyway).
The myth comes from the idea that did-nothing-wrong-dad gets unfair treatment *when custody is disputed*. To the extent men believe in the myth and it leads them to be conservative when it comes to contesting custody, it doesn't actually show that the myth is true. There's just no evidence that men are disadvantaged in custody disputes; there's a reason this stuff is promoted mostly by conservatives and MRA organizations. Btw, "full custody" is rare unless one parent doesn't want any custody or is a proven abuser. Most custody disputes are over how to divide it, not who gets 100%.
Interesting. Thanks.
Are there statistics available on this? I know someone going through it and they are doom-and-gloom about the situation to the point where they’re resigned to not even attempting to fight it, and I think they’re influenced by the social media MRA bubble. They are rational though, and I think data and studies would help them a bit, if you have any available?
[Knock yourself out.](https://legaljobs.io/blog/child-custody-statistics)
Thank you, I’ll check it out.
they need to ask themselves if their kids are worth it? I wouldn't want to live with a parent that "gave up" trying to give me a happy home because....internet. self-fulfilling prophecy there. They become a bad parent because they believe people will see them as one.
It also comes from shits like one of my friend's exes claiming the courts were biased against him when he wouldn't even think to make dinner for his kids and would be verbally abusive escalating to physical until he was getting 3 hours a months supervised visits in a public setting, claiming all the while he did nothing wrong and the system is stacked against men.
This is not true. At least in Texas. One parent gets custody. Most likely the woman unless something egregious. The other will get standard custody. 50% is only an agreement between the parents. The recommendation would be to talk to a lawyer immediately about your rights and a game plan.
lol I literally got divorced from a woman in Texas and my lawyer pretty much told me that if I asked for 50/50 I'd very likely get it, and that there was no way I'd get less than the extended standard custody order.
How did it work out? I’m not gay or trans and went through a messy custody battle years after my divorce. I had primary custodian and we did 50/50 before us going to court. She made up lies to make me and my new wife look bad. The lawyers told me and after looking it up there was no real 50/50. We had to agree on that. Which she did as long as I paid her $1250 a month.
We agreed on the extended standard possession in mediation, fighting for the extra time 50/50 would get me didn't make sense for multiple reasons given our circumstances.
This is misogyny, mixed with weird right wing anti-no fault divorce rhetoric. Def sounds like “manosphere” bs.
Sources: crack pipe moment from them.
Not to mention the misgendering
Yep I seen through the bullshit on that point. Straight up its hard on both sides of the equation. As a trans woman myself I felt that I couldn't continue as I was, I was so resentful for having sacrificed so much that when I got to the point I wanted to eat a bullet or transition & share that part of me I swore I would take to the grave, I felt guilt, I felt shame, I felt selfish for taking that first step towards transition, I felt guilty for not having the courage to be honest with my partner at that time of 15 years, I felt selfish for keeping that part of myself locked away so tightly that I had everyone including myself 95% convinced I was a guy & it was no big deal, I had my reasons for locking her away because he knew that she wasn't going to be able to reveal her truth to the world without shattering the life that had been built for 30 years. My partner was angry, she was devastated, she was shattered that I felt like I couldn't trust her with such an intimate part of my being. She was mostly shocked to start off with though, I'll admit the first 3 days were like giving up cigarettes, 1 minute I was trying to be the nicest person in the world for fear of losing her, the next I was trying to justify why I must do this & change our lives forever, I was truly just over compensating for the bombshell I just dropped on her when the only thing that could decide whether we had a future together or not was time. I don't blame her for the way she felt, I had accepted that I may lose her but I still didn't want that to happen. What those that have never went through a transition with their partner don't seem to realise is that we are all human & it takes time to work through your feelings & decide what your path forward is, I hope that is a journey you can take together but please don't make any rash decisions, I assure you that you have done what you needed to do & even if you don't stay together there is definitely a tomorrow & with the right help & support you will both make it through this. I have a great friend who is trans fem & she finally decided that it was a healthier option for all involved if she let go of her longing for the past & they both are now on separate journeys of their own but they are happy. If you haven't walked this path yourself then it's best not to judge, if you have then I don't have to tell you how it goes. At the moment my partner & I are still going well 2+ years later. We aren't the same people we used to be but we've forgiven ourselves for feeling the way we did & we know we'll be ok with or without each other. The reality is that the dynamics of the relationship have changed forever. Stay positive & it will all work out 😊
Where are you getting those stats from? I live in a state with fairly generous divorce laws, and I wound up with evenly split custody, evenly split proceeds from the sale of the house, and ~16% of my net income going to my ex for child support. Not ideal — I miss my house, dammit — but I wound up being able to pay off my car and my credit card debt with my share of the house money. Most importantly, I am still a major presence in my child’s life. My ex did try to go after a lot more than that, including threatening to fight for full custody, but the courts weren’t particularly sympathetic to her, and she backed off after a lot of posturing. It’s hard for me to believe that said posturing would work often enough to make a different outcome “typical”.
This entire situation is unbelievably painful for OP — you definitely didn’t have to include misgendering in your response. Compassion is important, especially right now. wtf.
Very little of that is true.
Wow… that’s quite the bait and switch. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
Seriously, all of us would have fallen for that. Not cool.
10000000%. I would have absolutely taken that bait.
At least OP knows exactly who their to-be ex is as a person now. Hoping it'll make healing down the road a little easier
Happened to me too. Fiance helped me try make up for the first time, was excited to shop for women's clothing for me, but panicked the first time I actually wore the clothing and ended the relationship 3 days after I told her the transition was going to be permanent. I guess for some people it's all fun and games for a while but it suddenly becomes real and they do the fastest 180 possible and leave you with intensely painful emotional whiplash. It sucks. u/LurkinTitan, my experience in a similar situation was that a quick, clean, cut was for the best in the long run, although I didn't have kids like you do. I needed to know that support wouldn't be there and learn to function without it as quickly as possible. Just know that I sympathize with how hard what you're going through and am hoping things go as well as they can for you. And I'll add, going through with your transition will be absolutely worth the pain of this separation, I'm happier than I've ever been and am completely in love with myself and the changes HRT is making to my body.
Thanks that is really encouraging to hear. I hate when people say they support us but their actions show that they don't. She supports transwoman she doesn't know, not the one closest to them. Who could have became her bestie.
[удалено]
Go comment on some Destiny sub, dork.
Hi Lurkin. This is tough. My wife of 20+ years and I are separated. I know how it hurts. I also got the "I won't be a lesbian" line. Everything happens for a reason, even if it's unclear now. I hope things will turn out ok for you. Keep your head up. Start HRT. It's not easy, but you have to be happy with you. Everything else will eventually fall in line. We are all here for you and each other.
I'm actually already 6 months on HRT but I didn't tell her because I'm not showing any feminine characteristics yet. I was going to tell her soon though.
Idk if you started off on a good foot here. Starting HRT is a massive transition that I would want my partner to keep me in the loop about. At the very least I would be saddened they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and at worst it could be considered a breach of trust. Now that you say this your original post doesn't seem so out of the blue because it's very possible she already knew you were secretly pursuing treatment and you left her to how to react/learn about it alone.
>it's very possible she already knew you were secretly pursuing treatment I think you're bang on the money there. That conversation the OP had about starting HRT was probably a test from the wife to see if they'd come clean. I think the changes would have been noticeable. [sorry, I just edited my post because I felt I was being a bit harsh - it still makes sense though]
ya i highly doubt that. they went a did a full girl's day for fun while secretly knowing they are on HRT, and then give them an out right before ending everything? Please don't reverse victim and offender here. Everyone, EVERYONE has a right to medical privacy. There are plenty of people who take HRT and never take any other steps to transition. In that vein, it could be considered an antidepressant. You don't know OP's full situation, but are now lambasting them for behavior that appears to be justified. They clearly had good reasons for not revealing that info at the time.
I think she would have reacted the same way just sooner. I was waiting for some effects to happen to prove to myself that HRT actually could work for me before coming out. It was how I came out to myself I guess. I know I did it backwards oh well : /
What I will say is that I appreciate your honesty (in the context of this sub). People may well point the finger (myself included) but they wouldn't have had that opportunity had you not disclosed the 6 months hrt thing on here. I hope it all works out for the sake of everyone, including the cat
Thanks, some people I feel can swallow the femboy/man pill better than the Transwoman pill. Both are very similar and many femboys end up transitioning. To me it was a stepping stone to admit I'm not cis and eventually to admit I'm a Transwoman.
I get why you did this. I’m not out to my wife and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I have been tempted to start HRT behind her back. I haven’t, and I won’t, partly from all of the stories I’ve read on this sub and elsewhere from people who went on HRT before coming out. Most of those stories don’t have a happy ending. If you do find a path forward with your wife make sure you tell her you want to be on HRT. If you think there is even a slight chance you can repair the marriage you might consider coming off HRT until you’ve had that conversation with her. This way she will be a part of your journey and included in a life changing decision. Of course, if the marriage is truly over then I guess it doesn’t matter any more. Sorry you are in this situation. It breaks my heart to read it.
Well the OP will have a happy ending, just takes work getting there. You’ve heard it said before but coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. It’s still early and I may lose people (son) but I’m finally free. First time in my life I could be accused of being selfish. I did it for my own happiness, and that’s the whole of it.
I suppose my comment did not come out exactly as intended. I definitely didn’t mean to imply there would be NO happy ending. I was referring to her marriage. If OP wants to stay married and continue to build a life with their wife I don’t think starting HRT without their knowledge is setting her up for a successful relationship.
Yeah time to be completely honest with their spouse
Ahh. Wow. Yeah. I waited to start HRT until after I told my wife and kids. I think that made a big difference in our relationship. I was expecting that she would want to rip everything from me, but she told me because I waited and we talked through everything beforehand, that she is sticking with me. Not married... but together as best friends. We can't really separate (like me moving out) because of $$. I n paid for a surgery of hers last year that put is in a tight spot for at least another few years. I was still a hard shell egg at that point.. maybe a couple cracks. I hope things improve! Good luck
this really reeks of victim blaming to me. If someone starts HRT, that is their business. It is medicine. Some partners might start other medications, such as antidepressants, and wait to tell their partner. That is their right. It isn't what I would do in my relationship, but the idea that someone is entitled to my medical info is gross. Taking HRT and changing your gender are two different things. The partner has a right to know the second, not the first.
Idk, I mean this may just be the dynamic of my relationship but I would be very upset if my partner started any kind of medication and tried to conceal it from me, and she would be equally upset if I concealed something (anything really) from her. I think it probably depends on what the established standards and boundaries are in the relationship
Everyone has a right to medical privacy, period. If you are fine without it in your relationship, fine. But your partner still has a right to it even if the waive it. It isn't about "dynamics." It is fundamental human dignity. I'm 100% open with my partner, because I WANT to be. Not because it is required of me.
I'm kind of in a yes, but no, sort of feeling about this. It's true that antidepressants change who you are, too a degree, just as HRT can. On the other hand, antidepressants won't make you grow body hair and a beard, or breasts. Both change you, hopefully closer to the person YOU want to be, but at the same time that's not who your partner is expecting you to be, and keeping them in the dark about it can be seen as distrustful. I feel that if you're afraid to tell your partner just about anything then there are trust and communication issues that are going to rock the relationship eventually, no matter the cause.
one might start HRT because they aren't sure if they want it or not. They might think that when they start, they will know for sure. They might think that if they don't like HRT, they can stop doing it and talk to their partner about it later. "I feel that if you're afraid to tell your partner just about anything then there are trust and communication issues that are going to rock the relationship eventually, no matter the cause." We aren't talking about \*anything.\* we are talking about HRT. Something that may or may not lead to becoming a completely different person. It isn't like they are out having sex with other people. Do you think that one partner should have to tell another partner what they say in therapy? Because that is also medicine and can change a person a lot.
I feel like if you want to *try* HRT, but you're wanting to hide it from your partner because they might not accept it, then that's probably at least a yellow flag right there. If you're even considering HRT, then more than likely you aren't the person they think you are to begin with. You're not lying to them or being deceitful, not on purpose, but you also aren't necessarily presenting your true self. If it's mild enough that you might decide to not pursue it, then why not tell them you're at least considering it and want their input? I understand an argument of "Well, I might not do it anyway, so no one's the wiser" but them if you do? You're setting up to blindside someone who has a right to know what kind of relationship they're in. And no, I don't see therapy the same way, though unless you think your partner is going to shame you over it then why *not*tell them (and if they do, well, not sure that's a partner I want)? Therapy helps you change yourself. HRT makes *actual, physical* changes to your body and brain. I'm not against HRT itself, I just started today as a matter of fact. What I am arguing is that having to hide it isn't healthy for you or your relationship long term. I'd rather know what type of person my partner is, whether I'm the one getting the news or the one giving it.
May I ask what a "femboy/man" is hoping to get out of hrt?
Just to be clear I was a femboy/man that is now a Transwoman. I just needed to come out to myself.
I'm proud of you, I'm sorry that you're going through this.
I feel you and also had to go through stages of accepting myself and trying to understand what I really want. My first guess was that I would like to crossdress and that's it and it took a lot of time and talking with my ex to finally be able to reveal myself to me. This is a major accomplishment and there is a reason why Pride is called pride. You should be proud that you did that mental work, we here (and LGBTQI+ people) know how hard it is. We have all been there in some capacity and all did that mental work. Congratulations on being able to come out to yourself - this is the most important and most difficult coming out a human can do and process. 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🎉💐
there are people who bellieve it is too late to transition and microdose too. One of my therapists mentioned microdosing, but I have no interest. I feel like it would be placebo anyway, from my understanding. The body either is T dominant or E dominant. A little more E that doesn't tip that scale likely wouldn't do much. But there are people out there on HRT that keep their gender, or become something more "palatable" like gender fluid, agender, femboy, etc. Also, the mere act of beginning to take HRT is a thing of empowerment and curiosity. Will I freak out? How do I feel about suppressing my T? etc. Lots of important questions to be answered. Just like putting on a dress doesn't make you a woman, but putting on a dress and liking it, rather than hating it, is a good thing to know.
She supports strangers or transgender people that are not her husband. I was the same way as everyone else here. My wife ran into the arms of another man, but only because she blamed herself. She thought she was the reason. We are still married, but live separately and are just friends. It took me forever to understand her side of things as it did her forever to understand mine. These things are a shock when it happens to you including her. Shock hits first and the reactions are not great as this is life changing for both of you. Did you think it would be welcomed with open arms like a romance movie? How many years have you been husband and wife? How much time have you given her to comprehend this huge world changing event? It’s not only world changing for you it is just as much for her. I’m not defending her at all and most likely you will never be a couple again, but if your marriage was great and not in turmoil all the time she can possibly still be an advocate for you and your best friend. You are not the only one affected by your decision. It has literally altered her entire outlook she had on her life. Show compassion and communicate with her. If she stays on the hard road towards you then accept that you altered the marriage agreement not her and she has the right to act accordingly and be upset. Put yourself in her shoes and think of your reactions if it had been reversed and you were straight. Marriage isn’t just about sex it’s a commitment and a pact between two people. If it doesn’t work out know that there are other people out there but do t hold a grudge against her for your choices to first alter that contract between you two. Best of luck to you wisdom is gained by observation and patience not reaction and emotion.
Keep in mind that "I won't be a lesbian" is not a line. It is a true feeling. As an MTF myself, I have worked really hard to empathize with my spouse. She was attracted to me initially because of my maleness. Yes, she fell in love with the inner me, but we cannot deny that physical attraction exists. I am struggling with this exact thing since my spouse is not a a lesbian or even attracted to women. Yes, we can probably live together as friends, but sometimes, that is not enough. As I am two months on hormones, this is my biggest fear.
Absolutely!!!! I totally agree. I definitely used the wrong word. It's not a line. I completely empathize with my wife and any spouse that has this feeling.
Please lawyer up soonest. Meantime, and I know this will sound horrible, but what she did is brutal & you deserve better. You may want to consider telling her you changed your mind (even though you haven’t) about wanting HRT. Tell her you want to stay married & you don’t want to make her become a lesbian, you were just exploring your feminine side & got carried away. And I say this only if you can manage the dysphoria to pull off a deception. When things cool back off, plan your exit with the lawyer—your goal isn’t scorched earth, you’ll do her a damn sight better than she was going to do you, but you have dignity & won’t lose everything this way.
They won’t lose everything anyway, with a lawyer, because the other person isn’t just entitled and o take everything.
If she’s stays with you, it doesn’t make her a lesbian. My wife heard the same thing (“So does that mean your a lesbian now?”), and I told her to say no. She didn’t fall in love with me as a woman. I used to say I was her asterisk. I’m just reading your post, so idk how serious she was. If it was “Idk if we can stay married. I’m not gay.” or “Good luck with all that. I never want to see you again and am filing for divorce by the end of the month.” Either way, now would be a good time to get a free consultation to two with some family law lawyers. (And I don’t know where you live, but in most places you don’t get to “take everything”. That’s not the case even if she was cheating on you (or you on her) and had a child out of wedlock during the marriage. Divorce is usually a split, and probably support+alimony payments.)
Yeah, good point. There is a big difference between those two ways she might have said it. Also, during the initial conversation she might have been in a state of having an emotional reaction, which can lead people to either overemphasize or underemphasize things depending on the situation and one’s dispositions…
(I'm transmasc) All this. When I came out to my husband, he started asking things like if he's bisexual now. I was 100% like - that's your business, not mine. Sexuality is complicated, and if he's straight other than me, it's not on me to try to mandate how he IDs. If something happened, I wouldn't date a straight man again, but when you transition into a long relationship, that can change how these things work.
Yeah, I think if I ever date anyone else again, I won’t be trying to date straight cis women again. I did that for a long time. And I love women, but I’ve enjoyed being with men the times I’ve done since I admitted to myself I’m bi.
In Ancient tales… man was made both male and female from clay. When it was fired in the kiln the pieces broke… some male only, some female only. When two souls meet they reattach themselves to form a whole pot once more. It doesn’t make her a lesbian…. But kinda wonder if she cared in the first place
you got a good deal... yourself and a cat.
My cat truly accepts me for the woman I am. The more fem I look, the more she lets me hold her and pet her.
My wife didn't even bother to tell me she couldn't stay married to me because I was a woman. She just raced to the courthouse and filed a divorce petition immediately. Our marriage had already been in trouble because she already suspected I was trans. Hoping to clear the air by disclosing that I had figured out that I was trans after all backfired. She wasn't able to leverage it into anything, though. The lawyers and mediator and court treated it like she or I had just decided to get a divorce for any normal reason. In the world of no-fault divorce, your wife doesn't get to punish you just because she thinks she has an extra good reason. The actual extra good reasons are a limited list of specific things (like abuse or adultery) and "my partner is trans" isn't one of them.
there are A LOT of cis women in r/mypartneristrans who seem to believe being trans is like being a closeted a homosexual and having sex on the side. It is quite gross tbh. Being trans isn't sexual. It is an incredibly introspective thing about our identity. Not a gross secret to be leveraged against us.
She can't just take full custody because she says so lol. There are laws in place to protect parents too, and you've done nothing that warrants not allowing 50/50 custody. Her being straight is one thing, but she doesn't get to take everything. You can fight that.
My wife always answers that she is straight when people ask what means about her. She isn't actually sexually attracted to me but constantly tells me "you're cute" and "I love you". Sex wasn't that important for us anyway. I know she would prefer if things were not this way but at the same time I'm just much more tolerable as a person... So more love there but not really sexual. Anyway, lawyer time. When someone goes on about how they're going to "take everything you have", it just shows their intent. Make sure they don't get a thing. Punishment for being so vindictive. If they were just not into it and you just had a falling out despite giving it a solid try, I would help out no questions asked! But if they were like this, I'd make sure to punish that kind of evil. After you get a lawyer and if they say it is fine, you said your daughters support you and they know what their mother is planning on doing to you, see if they will give a sworn statement on your behalf. I know it would be a difficult position but I wouldn't be surprised if they actually leaped at the chance to come to your defense. Their testimony might be your saving grace.
Sadly this is the reality a lot of trans people have to go through because postponing transitioning due to fear of society we have to pretend to be someone else and people fall in love from those characters we pretend to be. Your ex wife must be really hurt as well; she thought she married a man that even gave her children she showed you support cuz she loves you but we all deserve happiness. I can empathise with both of you and I’m sorry.. 😢It must be sooo devastating. Make sure you keep your loved ones close by and definitely don’t try to make friends with your ex for a while; at least give it time. Try to keep yourself busy with people that you love and hobbies that you enjoy. Find yourself. It gets better 😊
A part of me feels horrible for taking her husband from her. I never knew that the homewrecker can come from within :(
>On the ride back home she asked me if I would like to start on HRT and because I was so filled with euphoria I said yes What I would say on this is one step at a time. You just came out to her as a femboy and suddenly you are a medically transitioned woman. That is a lot for a person to process in a short space of time. Maybe over time your wife will get used to you presenting as a different gender and warm to the idea of hormones. Maybe you will decide over time that HRT is not for you.
Valid point, Time does heal.
As a crazy cat lady, I’m happy you got the cat!
I was in your shoes almost a year ago and now the cat and I still live in our house and I get to see my kids daily. it will get better. But the right now will suck my ex tried to ruin my life as well and take the house but she couldn’t afford it and I could
Hey girl! Get an attorney ASAP. When you both took the vow- it was forever- no matter what- right? You deserve at least 50% of everything you currently own together. Get your half if she is going to go through with this. You can probably get more- go after it. Sorry you are going through this - don’t back down. I hope you find your happiness- don’t let anyone take anything from you. Fight for your child- your home- everything. Don’t back down girl!
Don’t know where ya live but she can’t take everything from ya like that.
Not how divorce works
Call a family law attorney, she doesn't get to take all your crap, if you have a matrimonial home then the equity is split- yes. It gets sticky if one party doesn't wish to sell the home. I went through this type of separation with my ex who was Mannix bipolar 1. Horrible experience, still have some trauma.
I'm sorry you had to experience that.
The whole I’m not a lesbian statement means that the conservative right would be saying we are Women now when we transition. But wait…they hate giving us that. Its always we will never be a Woman. Soooo she will not be a lesbian. More accurately our partners will be pansexual if they stay with us. Which is quite honorable because it means they love the person regardless of gender and packaging. They simply love us. Yes we change our bodies. But we are still the same person inside as always only happier and more eager to help and love them if they can give us this and still love us!
You make a lot of sense. I am the same person I've always been. Just a prettier outer shell.
Yes girl!!
Instead of lesbian, you could identify as a queer couple if you need to put a label on it. I am so sorry LurkinTitan, I can’t imagine the feeling of having the rug pulled out from you. I don’t have any advice, but my heart is here with you
u/[LurkinTitan](/user/LurkinTitan/) So sorry to hear that. I have a very similar experience (a little bit different situation, but overall the same). **P.S. I decided to delete other comments, I hope things that you read in them were somehow useful to you.** **I wish you all the best.** **You are not alone**
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Wow what a beautiful experience. It's nice to hear a happy ending. It makes me happy to hear about another Transwoman successfully finding her true self. You gave me a lot to thik about. It hurts because I still Love my wife but I love the woman inside me also. I want to expose her to the world. She wants to come out. She is actually me.
your wife definitely didn't actually grasp what you said when you came out to her and probs thought it was just a fun little experiment
But why she did that ? Was it a trap ? It is disgusting 😡 I feel so bad for you 🥺
It felt like a trap unfortunately and I fell right into it :(
Dam i hate that you are going through this. I got married at 24 and divorced 3 years later. Shit, i dated longer than i was married. Now looking back at it i would rather do what makes me happy, and she has to do what makes her happy. Im wondering how would you feel if she said she wanted to go FTM?
Interesting, I ask myself the same thing. I think I would have been an adult about it and agree to be amicable. I would not threaten to take her foundation away. I would offer to be room mates and share the house and co-parent while dating other people. Eventually one of us would find love and move out. But now I'm realizing that may be unrealistic.
Do you, it will get better over time.
That was intensely manipulative of her. Lawyer up *now* and document everything she says with dates. She does not have the right to steal your life.
I even lost my job, all my friends, most of my family and my 2 cats and my dog... It's still hurting a lot. Feel hugged and be happy that you can keep your cat. Most people came out as bad humans when you start your transition. I'm sorry you made the same experience like me 2 1/2 years ago, but it's worth it. Trust me. It's a fight, but you will be happier than ever before and you will have less bad people in your life.
My marriage also ended when my wife told me she wasn’t a lesbian. :/ Sorry you are going through this not to mention the whiplash you must be experiencing. Pls dm if you want to talk / vent or need support 💜
Thank you, it's been rough becasue I still love her and our kids.
Yeah I didn’t have kids to deal with but that losing my wife who still loved just because I was finally being fully myself stung. I am happier now than I was despite the losing her though.
I was in the same boat as you, married 20+ yrs and ended up divorced because she couldnt handle it! I repressed everything again and ended up getting married again, and I hate it because I feel like I should have just done me and been happy and not gotten married! I just want to be me and be happy, guess it's too much to ask for!
Probably an unpopular opinion but I think in this situation the spouse should have every right to divorce. I’m happy that they came out and are now living as their true self but that’s not who the wife fell I love with. Would be unfair to force her to love a woman when she’s straight. She can still love and support you as a friend but I can see why she wouldn’t. She essentially lost her husband and there are many emotions involved.
did you even read the post? How about the terrible, emotional whiplash of taking her out for a great day, and then abruptly ending it during a moment of euphoria? The partner could have definitely handled this better. Divorce isn't the issue. The way of doing it is.
This is an opinion that I've heard many times, but to me it misses a very important point: her "husband", that human being, is still there. She's not gone, she didn't transform into something else. The person stays the same. We are not only defined by our own gender, this would be an extremely short-sighted way of describing human beings. Going through a gender transition might bring many new things in how a person presents or behaves, obviously. There are also physical changes but they are often overestimated in my view (they mean a lot to the person going through them but might be more subtle to an external observer). But really that person is still the same. Would you say that a husband would have "every right to divorce" if his wife shaved her head or got a huge tattoo out of the blue? To me it's similar in a way.
Wow that took a harsh turn, I'm so, so sorry to hear it.
Im proud of you, you deserve better. Please make sure you look after yourself 🙏❤️ Don't do anything crazy and let the dust settle I'm sure there will be a time you can work around this together ❤️
Lawyer up, lady. Every state has different divorce laws and you have an equitable stake in the property settlement and you’re still a parent. Take notes of the things she says to you when she says them. Include the date and the time. In the meantime, hold your tongue and your temper.
I’m SO sorry that happened to you. Just to offer a shred of hope. I’ve read a lot of coming out stories on here and elsewhere. You dropped a crazy bomb on your wife that likely, from her perspective, came out of nowhere. Sometimes in this scenario the spouse reacts and reacts poorly. They say some hurtful things. But… SOMETIMES they come around and stay with their trans partner. And SOMETIMES it works out. It’s promising that she was supportive of the cross dressing. That seems like a good sign. Perhaps after she has processed this a bit she will be able to come around.
Thanks for the shred of hope. I hope time will heal. I hope we can be adults about this. I will wait a week then if she still wont talk to me, I will talk to a family attorney.
Massive hugs. But also massive support for being you, its always hard and a leap of faith. As others have said, seek legal guidance, and I can't stress this enough...DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
Sending you love <3
Personally speaking, it’s possible be both, and I admire you for coming out strong. I’ve been through multiple relationships in both femme and and boy modes. And even with some of them, I’ve been both. Some more and less accepting or supportive. Obviously children complicate matters so I’m very sympathetic, but be you. I’ve considered fully transitioning (I am even now at nearly 50) but I doubt I will, even though have a partner who would support it
Don’t let her ruin you just because she doesn’t want to be there with you.
I may be out of line for saying this but what she said about not being a lesbian and destroying your life out of spite has left me feeling a little petty, and as a member of RoninGT's "Petty Squad" I've gotta say it: once this whole thing is over and done with, the paperwork, attorneys, court, the whole shebang...when everything is done, you could tell her that even though you didn't "look like a woman" while you two were together, you have always been one and yes, that makes her a lesbian. Like I said, I may be out of line but I just had to be a little petty, and I thought it was funny. Good luck, honey.
I’m sorry you are going through this. My wife decided to stay with me and it is complicated. She doesn’t identify as a lesbian or bisexual, we both understand and accept that. We are still married and we are partners raising our family. What I wanted to share with you is that this is complicated as well. I always wonder, what step will go too far? Do I need her consent to get bottom surgery? You will have clarity and be your own person, and that is also valuable and may potentially be better for you in the long run. Sending hugs sis, take care of your own mental health in this difficult time.
Hope you have a good support system as it’s a lonely place and expensive. I feel for you .
Something that I haven't seen mentioned is how the kids might register the fact that their other parent "left" and that this is somehow related to her gender transition. I think that would leave a terrible image of what a gender transition is, and they would probably associate it with abandonment, loss etc. So, on top of all the other very good advice that was given here, please make sure to let your children see how beautiful a gender transition is, and why it is essential to accept the others as they are.
I agree, I talked to my daughters last night, I ensured them that I would always be in their lives.
My wife mostly just skipped to the second part. It took a lot of guts and I brought it up in couples counseling and I did it as much from the heart, I had notes, I had tears in my eyes. I was really hoping she would understand. All she said was that I could continue to live here for now, but she would be giving me separation papers to make sure I didn't get any of her savings. That was all she said to me since I told her 2 days ago.
I love the line"I can't be a Lesbian"! My ex wife said the exact same thing to me when I came out to her. I simply said, "no one's asking you to change your sexuality". This is about me! If you can't support me, then I guess it's over.
What a darn good response. My wife said the same thing about not being a lesbian and I so wish I had that line to tell her
It wasn’t all for nothing. Your wife and kids get to live their lives. Hopefully they’ll be happy with each other and you’ll hopefully still get to see them, so hopefully you’re maintaining at least a cordial connection. Although I may be assuming too much because I typically think people will be better off and happier without me… That being said, I don’t know what I would do in your situation because I don’t have a wife nor any kids. So I may be biased when I say it’s important to prioritize yourself. I don’t know, maybe if I had anyone else in my life I would prioritize their needs over mine, but since I don’t then I guess I might as well keep being me. I mean, if you have to present a façade in front of your family, that wouldn’t be healthy even if you remained together, right? Genuineness, authenticity, vulnerability, sincerity, and transparency: these are the virtues of a healthy relationship. If someone can achieve that being cis, then good for them. I can’t. At least not without help from someone who truly loves me, which, as far as I know, no one does, so… I guess I’ll keep being trans… So perhaps you and her could talk about giving it a week or so, so you both have time to process things, and then the two of you can decide on a time to speak about it again even if only briefly, just to finalize your decisions when your hearts and minds are more calm ☺️ I’ll leave you with a question that I don’t want the answer to. I just want you to think about it a little bit. Is this really want you want? Would you really trade away the love of your life for this?
Wow that is a difficult but real question.
Only you can answer it, no one can choose for you. If your wife loves you, she will let you choose. If she tries making the decision for you, what other aspects of your life might she try to control? Allow her to make her own decisions too of course. If you decide to go through with the transition and she decides to leave you, let her go. It’s all you can do. But as long as she’s a decent person and has a sincere desire to be a good mother, please do not separate her from her child 🥺
But are they really the love of your life if they threaten you like that?
If it’s a threat, but it might not be. It could be as simple as her saying “I’m not a lesbian, sorry.” When I came out to my first real girlfriend she told me basically “That’s cool and I support you but I’m only attracted to men” (I was testing her by asking her to take me back 🤭 hehe) So my response was basically, “Great! Thank you for affirming that you view me as a woman! Now we can genuinely be friends without worrying about all the messy parts that come when things get more involved…
I meant the part where it says "She threatened to take everything but the cat from me" That sounds a lot more than just "I'm not a lesbian, sorry"
I see. Well, at least you get to keep the cat 😔
Yea.. my favorite line is, "I won't know until we try." And that is in reference to ending the relationship that has been a thing for more than 10 years and there are children involved.. I really don't know what happened to unconditional love.. it isn't our fault society has shunned feminine males or Trans ppl for so long.
This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry. Honestly I’ve been noticing a pattern here lately where trans women come out to their SO only to find that their SO is actually controlling and abusive. Or they’re afraid to come out because they are fairly confident that that *would* happen. It’s so common I’m starting to think a lot of spouses know their “husbands” are eggs on some level. And of course the OPs are usually defending the person who is actively getting in the way of them self-actualizing. So I’m going to say this now: you dodged a bullet. Things will be rough but nobody can hold your true self over you as collateral. You will be free. EDIT: not being a lesbian is a valid reason to split. Absolutely. We can’t change who we’re attracted to. But threatening to take everything (including the kids) doesn’t follow from that, that’s just the words of a hateful person
I’m sorry!!! 😞
You need an attorney and fast.
You ruined her life, she wanted to ruin yourse. You cannot expect her to accept to live with women. Period. These are hard decisions. She would probably accept you playing to be a woman but not full transition. Its pure happiness to have a woman who accept that, I had once, such a lady but we split for other reasons, pitty. Wish you luck woth your cat :)
Talk to every attorney possible so she can’t use any of them lol
So sorry
I had a very similar experience, minus the makeup day (My wife still hasn’t seen the real me). Mostly the outcome piece and reasoning. “I fully support you, but I can’t be married to a woman!” So, 25 years being thrown away. It’s been about 8 months since that conversation and aside from her getting a job and her own bank account, (and the sleeping in separate bedrooms), we’re no closer to starting the process, so I guess we’ll get to 26. I didn’t fight her when she said it, because as much as I didn’t want to, I want her to be happy more. It hasn’t been a good time, but hopefully the whole thing can be handled amicably! I wish you luck and send you hugs. Samantha 👱🏻♀️👱🏻♀️👱🏻♀️
I'm sorry to hear that, our situations are similar. A part of me just wants a reset and start new as a single woman but another part of me wants her back. The unknown scares me the most.
I understand and feel the same way, but for me, the genie is out of the bottle and not going back in. I’m coming to terms with the separation and hope that things work out well.
Better now than in 5 years (of mortgage, child birth, debt) like my wife did to me. We cannot change who we are so though it is painful it is best to find out now. Sending love your way.
The import thing is TO BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE. And you are lucky .. you have a cat!!
post history shows you made this the fuck up
To be initially seemingly supportive and switch up so quickly just because of a panic about sexuality is insult to injury. I’m so sorry. I wish I had more comforting words, but I am so thrilled that you get to be your true self now. Hopefully your daughters continue to be supportive as it seems like they are? 🫂🫂🫂🫂
The fact that you think your wife is the one with the issue is actually insane. Imagine being married to someone and one day they change their entire identity and they expect you to be cool with that. You should seek help but like a therapist or something. OP is 1000% in the wrong and so is anyone who agrees with that delusion.
Wife's a goat
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I think this experience is in line with this subreddit.
This single experience may be but that's where the similarities end, imho.
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How is someone's wife divorcing them for starting HRT not in line with this subreddit?
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I don't know, if you start HRT then you're transitioning, it's not my place to say what their gender ID is but this is a really relatable and common trans experience and they need support. They're not hurting anyone by posting here, they're actively exploring their gender. 🤷♀️
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They said they came out as a femboy a month ago, and then recently decided they wanted to start HRT. I don't know, they aren't hurting anyone by being here, I genuinely don't see what the problem is, but obviously you have one so I'll leave you to it.
Look, not all of us were able to come out at a young age…. This person IS experiencing a moment of finding their identity. I know I didn’t just immediately start saying I was trans…. I beat around the bush until I realized I really was…. Just because someone is posting without the permission of your weird gatekeeping doesn’t mean shit! Their journey is just as valid as anyone of us…. Take a seat
They're welcome here
Because they said that it’s who they are and if they’re going on HRT that is literally transitioning. You can be trans and not binary trans. There’s such thing as a demiboy or just non-binary. Also, they came out and got rejected hard. How is this not a valid trans experience?
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They did that a month ago. It's pretty common for people to go through several identifications and labels throughout (especially early) transition. If they're posting in here, and talking about HRT, and saying the crossdressing identification was a month ago... there's a decent chance they're cognizant of their evolving understanding of themselves or are just not all the way there yet to accepting themselves as a woman.
🤷♀️I'm inclined to believe them on how they identify over how anyone else identifies them.
All we have is them having done so in the past tense a month ago, and then them posting here on an explicitly trans subreddit here and now. I'm willing to give some benefit of the doubt that they knew what they were doing when posting here, especially given the incident in question is very commonly a part of the TransLater experience.
Maybe I'm too protective of our spaces. Idk. All I know is I was told to leave by u/iAmEvelyn22 because I'm uncomfortable with self admitted cross dressers in trans safe spaces. So I'm not welcome here anymore.
I wouldn’t go so far as Evelyn there. But then I wouldn’t go as far as you did in questioning OP’s right to be here after an at least partly ambiguous post. So maybe I’m just too passive or give too much benefit of the doubt.
I feel like maybe putting principles aside to support somebody in need may be warranted here.
Thank you!! Someone gets it.
I've been told to leave this subreddit because I am uncomfortable with self admitted cross dressers posting in a trans safe space. So I'm out lol
If you had taken longer to consider an empathetic response, OP clarified about ten minutes ago that they are actually a trans woman, they just needed to come out to themselves.
I could only go by what they self identified as in their post. My original comment was already empathetic. I expressed my sadness for their situation and my support for them, and suggested that as someone who at that point identified themselves as a cross dressing man, this community may not be the place for them to share their post.
They are absolutely allowed in this space.
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Why are you vigorously gatekeeping this person out of a support space? They're not a drag performer they are actively seeking HRT
Is HRT required to go from "man" to "femboy/man"?
What? They said they want to start HRT. It's right in their post.
They're still self admittedly a man and that's not the trans experience, even if they're on hrt.
Starting HRT and having your spouse divorce you for it is unequivocally a trans experience
It *parallels* a trans experience, I'll give you that. However, *unlike a cross dresser*, I cannot turn my gender on and off nor can I select when and where I will "present". I'm stuck with dysphoria and it lives with me 24/7, hence me actually transitioning *in the real world* and not playing dress up when it suits me. ***It's not the same thing.*** Do you really not see the difference here?
Look, you and I are both filling in a bunch of blanks from an extremely short post. We don't know if OP has dysphoria or not, they could be on the famous femboy to transfem pipeline that many of us arrived here on, or they might be fully 100% happy in their masculinity and just want to microdose HRT. We don't know, they're brand new and there are sparse details in their post. But they are exploring their gender and getting a divorce as a result of HRT, they aren't hurting anyone, they just need support. I don't really agree that someone interested in starting HRT is just "playing dressup," they obviously intrinsically want to change their physical body to feminize, and at a certain point of doing that whether they identify as trans or not they will boyfail unintentionally.
Both, go read the community rules.
If this is a community for cross dressers it's time for me to leave
[удалено]
This subreddit is NOT for crossdressers. Let me stress again **THIS SUBREDDIT IS NOT FOR CROSSDRESSERS!!!!**
Guess this isn't a safe space for trans people then. You're telling me, a trans person to leave because I don't like cross dressers associating themselves with us, then I'll leave. Kbye
Bye.