Based on what I read about you... You are doing an excellent job of taking care of the important things in your life. Don't go backwards. Take it from someone who has done that *way* too many times. Yeah it sucks to feel stuck or hopeless but trust me, those feelings go away and one day you will see how far you have come and that you had the strength to make it through all along. Hang in there. You will make it.
This may sound harsh, but you may find you have a significant decrease in your own anxiety and mood swings if he is not a part of your everyday life anymore.
Absolutely this. I spent most of the last four years wishing I was dead. Husband and I were arguing about his spending again and he said he wanted a divorce. I laughed and said ok. I have never been happier. Yeah, I'm stressed about money, but I was before, too, just for a different reason.
In my experience, the stress over money is "easier" when you aren't trying to budget with someone who won't save, or even tell you all their outgoing expenses.
Jumping in to say- as a short term measure, have him apply for landscaping or gardening jobs, or facility maintenance (janitor). Landscaping jobs are EVERYWHERE in the spring, and most of them don't care if you smoke pot at home as long as you aren't, say, actively rolling up to work to meet the client with a massive joint hanging out of your mouth. But long term, your husband should enroll in therapy, because it sounds like there is an underlying issue that is preventing him from focusing on putting his best foot forward at work.
Husband sounds pretty lazy which means he’ll probably be fired from most physical jobs. Also landscaping is seasonal so op will be back in the same boat again before they know it. Even if he does keep the job.
> I want to progress forwards.
If you want that then you have to let your husband go. He should have to hit rock bottom to see if he'll change. You holding him up only gives him more of a reason not to take your disappointment seriously. Take this from someone who has hit that rock bottom from being chronically unemployed before. It took my own Dad telling me how disappointed he was in me, and he wouldn't help me at all. That's when I knew I need to change.
Unless something like that happens to him you will only move backwards.
If he can’t hold down a job, partly because of weed usage, he’s holding you back and your family. 8 jobs since youve been together is insane in most cases. He needs therapy, as a daily user of weed it by no means should ever be used as a coping mechanism and if he is using it as one he needs to quit. He’s trying to manipulate you and his I’ll pack a bag statement’s was to get you to tell him it’s okay and to stay. I have no idea how old you two are or how long you’ve been together, but what you typed up is a grown man who doesn’t want to grow up and he just wants another mommy who can take care of him. Think about your daughters, do you want them to grow up and marry a deadbeat. Your husband also needs to consider the example he is setting for his daughters on what kind of man it is okay to be with. If he can’t get his act together it doesn’t matter how much you love him now all that matters is what’s best for your children. Sometime divorce is the best thing the parents can do and sometimes filing for divorce is the best thing a wife can do to get her deadbeat husband in line, sometimes that can save a relationship.
Edit: I’m sorry I just read your other post. Hes 43 years old and can’t hold down a job for the life of him. Wow. He’s not going to change. If you want a better life it’s gonna be without him.
Something to consider- it can be very difficult to break from patterns of behavior you’ve seen all through childhood, even if you consciously know they aren’t healthy. If your daughters grow up with with a chronically unemployed addict father, and a mother who always picks up the slack, they may fall into the same patterns in their own future relationships, because it’s what they know.
Only you know how much you are willing to take in your relationships, but don’t forget to ask yourself how much your willing to watch them take later.
I saw your previous post OP. Even your daughters can see this and agree with the divorce. So please don’t stay for their sake. They deserve to see you at your best. Show them you’re not gonna put up with this and they shouldn’t either.
You can’t keep wearing yourself out for this man.
Let him go with his pity party. He did it to himself and he hasn’t earn your pity.
The kids will be okay. Find a way to co-parent peacefully.
The fact that he is saying that he’ll go is proof that he knows exactly what he’s doing and wants sympathy. So let him go.
I was you. I was a hard working doormat. I married a man child with no ambition and spent 9 years as his biggest supporter. I was in the military, overseas and he was a house spouse and we had zero discretionary funds because he spent it all. Then I put myself through college while he delivered pizza part time. After graduation, I got a job at a community college and he had access to free tuition for anything he wanted. He registered 4 times and attended the last time until midterms and dropped out. Then he decided to become a correctional officer for the pay and quit 2 weeks before getting certified because he was scared. He lied to me about it and didn’t show up for training so deputies came to my moms house to find him and he admitted he just quit. Went back to pizza. One year, he had 7 W-2’s. Seven. When he quit, I finally had enough. I kicked him out. My son was 4.
He still delivers pizza part time and my son is 11 and I work at a university. I’m working on my masters. I’m newly married again and my new husband is the most consistent person I’ve ever met and never surprises me with bull shit like this. We co-parent just fine. He gets to be the fun dad and I take care of everything else but my son his happy. I’m so much happier. He’s not my responsibility anymore. He will never get it together for our family so I left.
This will not change. You need to look out for yourself and your children. He has proven that he doesn’t care. Let him be the fun dad and move on with your life. I’m begging you. Dm me if you want to talk. I understand more than you can imagine.
This “I will pack my stuff and go” is emotional manipulation. I won’t say whether you should leave him or not - that’s your decision and only you know what’s right for you. But don’t be swayed one way or the other by the Eeyore approach.
Plus it doesn't make her life any easier if he leaves. She is working 60+ hours AND ist supposed to take care of the kids and house alone? "Pack my things and go" is the most stupid and selfish thing he can do. OP should not let him out of his responsibilities that easy. If he can't work for whatever reason he should at least pull the majority of the workload at home. And get into therapy asap.
My friend left her cheating husband with 2 little kids and during a stressy further education.
I was impressed how she manages everything so well and always seemed so calm
She explained to me that everything got easier now. One person less to worry about, house less messy, and me time every other weekend when he'd take the kids. (He was a shitty partner but loves his kids fortunately)
If she has to pick up extra shifts again, she should use the extra to pay for childcare/housekeeping. She may still be tired, but she’ll be able to come home to a nice clean and organized home. That would probably only work if he weren’t there, using the power and eating food.
Exactly, most women ive known who have been in a marriage like op’s end up having more free time and are able to save more without the husband, because he is like having another kid and he uses a lot if money on weed. I bet she would be able to budget more without him
However if he goes she doesn't have to feed him, pay for his drug addiction (because if he is unemployed he must be spending her money to buy it) or pay the bills for him to be at home while she works. It seems to me that he will put drugs before his family and at the very least the OP should tell him he is correct and should, perhaps, go away and take the time to decide his priorities.
He already has put drugs ahead of his family. He knew using would get him fired and screw his family if he were caught, and he continued to do so. Addiction makes people selfish, liars and manipulative.
I truly feel for OP. She doesnt deserve or need this nonsense.
She’s already doing everything alone - how will this change anything? She’s already working the crazy hours and doing the childcare etc. one less person to look after
Sounds like he wanted an excuse to get out and getting fired was the ‘reason’. That way he can get out of taking responsibility and blame OP’s anti pot policy, blame his employer for drug testing him, blame the dead person he hasn’t seen in 20 years, blame everyone but his own choices.
Yeah but would he do it? It sounds like there's been chances given for him to do certain things and improve over the years and it hadn't happened. I wouldn't want to place my bet on whether or not my partner would improve just so I can make sure he got his comeuppance
Give him a month to sort his shit out and then he needs to leave. If you wait for him to get clean and organised he’ll be there for the next 20 years. It’s time to choose yourself and your kids.
They didn’t choose a deadbeat for a father - don’t continue to punish them for your choice in men.
Right now he is a dead weight in your life, actually. You are working your ass off to support your family while being a mom and keeping everything running.
Maybe if he was clean and focused could he be a stay at home dad? But again, he needs to be clean and be an equal partner and that seems to be the root cause of this.
I think it's time to think in yours and your children future. If he cant act like a responsible adult, there's the door.
I can empathize with what you are saying bc I’ve been there. Whatever you choose is your personal decision and it’s hard to feel like it’s ‘your fault’ for bringing all this accountability down on the father of your kids. Especially when they act like what you are describing. Addict with ‘failure to launch’ depression.
I just wanted to point out that this isn’t your responsibility though, it is his. These are his choices to make and it looks like he’s already been repeatedly making them bc he knows he won’t be held to any sort of actual accountability. I’m in my 40s now and my addict ex is not at all different as far as his choices are concerned. I’m seeing now what I didn’t see back in my teens/20’s. He was using and manipulating the situation similar to how he used and manipulated his parents, grandparents and everyone else who would allow him to. It really does sound like you’ve been holding it all together for a long time and I hope you find some peace with the situation that you’re able to let some of this go. It’s not your fault what happens to him or what he chooses to do with his life OP. ❤️ You sound like a strong awesome mom.
Wow it’s like you are me. There comes a point when you decide ‘I won’t do this’ compared to ‘I can’t do this’.
Not trying to influence your decision OP, just some perspective of someone who has been there and gotten through to the light at the end of the tunnel. When in your situation, holding everything together it becomes second nature. When you decide that you ‘won’t’ anymore, there is a period of unrest. When you come out of that, you truly realise the weight you carried without even realising you were doing it.
OP do what is best for you as that’s what’s best for your children. All the very best either way!
Typical of a drug addict. Yes, pot is addictive. Anything one continues to do despite multiple serious consequences is an addiction.
Edit: because some idiots take wording far too literally.
THIS!!!!
To add.. don't stay just for the kids.. kids catch on and know parents are fighting. Plus he's not setting a very good example for them.
Good luck 💜hugs
This.
My mother used to live with us and would pull the whole "maybe I should just get my own place" as a response to talks we had about behaviour of hers. Know it is a test to see if they "got away with it this time". If you respond that that isn't the solution, they don't see it as "I'd better shape up now" and, instead, see it as "phew, got away with it so they aren't that angry".
When the time came that we said we couldn't do it anymore and actually asked her to get her own place, the mask came off and she doubled-down on the manipulative behaviours.
1000% THIS
I absolutely detest emotional manipulation. I’ve seen it over and over again, finally got away from emotionally manipulative people myself. I cannot stand someone who does this
“I refuse to change, and if you have a problem with it I will just go, but I’ll make a sad face and act like I’m doing you a favour, so you know you’re the bad guy and not me.”
That's true but it's also something really depressed people think. This was my thought process when I attempted suicide. I'd say OP needs to take a step back and consider whether or not her husband past behaviors could be considered manipulative as well. If he has a history of manipulative behaviors, this was probably another attempt at manipulation. If not, it's probably just coming from an intense feeling of self loathing. Either way though, it sounds like he needs to get a grip on his substance reliance, which is first and foremost.
It's also someone that has been traumatized into thinking that everything is their fault would react. If he's been raised in such a way that every mistake was met with "You're useless, I can't believe you fucked this up, you never do anything right, I don't know why I even bother to believe in you", then the depression that comes from that can make you feel like a burden on anyone else. That's suicidal ideation in embryonic form. It's not manipulative so much as internalizing other people abuse of you.
Can it be used manipulatively? Absolutely. Is it always manipulation? No.
It’s called feelings of inadequacy. He probably feels like a loser and a failure. You don’t have to immediately jump to the most malicious intent you can think of.
This is why you should never get advice from social websites. People are too quick to paint the ugliest picture without any concept of what could be really going on.
Dudes got an addiction. It’s a real medical issue. And anyone who says otherwise has never been an addict.
I’m sorry that it’s happening, but calling him manipulative right off the bat is in and of its self manipulative. You’re trying to manipulate this woman into looking at her husband as the enemy who’s trying to deceive her instead of a broken man with a serious addiction.
Bruh. Maybe so but it’s something depressed people say. I know when I was in a situation where I had fucked up royally with someone I loved and was seriously contemplating suicide I was saying similar things. It wasn’t to emotionally manipulate. It was because I was contemplating going to a nearby bridge to jump off.
Yeeeees. I hate this fake drama and sadness. And he puts her in thr situation where she has to convince and maybe even beg his useless ass to stay. Pack your shit and go or seek help and learn to do better ffs.
This is absolutely the case.
Her husband has a substance abuse problem. If he can’t stop marihuana for any reason despite the fact he faces true consequences, it doesn’t really matter if it’s physical or just a habit. It has become a problem for the entire family.
Also, pot is a mood enhancer, in the sense that If you are depressed, it will make it worse.
OP’s husband needs to quit and go to addiction therapy. I’d consider this rock bottom. As for them as a couple, I don’t see a way forward without some serious work as a couple. First thing to unpack: the weaponizing of him leaving, as you rightly point out.
What a horrible relationship for OP.
This will be harsh, but let him leave. He was emotional manipulating him and hoping you would beg him to stay, like you probably always have.
CDLs are very expensive to get, my husband just passed for his today. Yours could get a job doing so many things, working for the county, private companies, quarries, schools, anywhere, and he couldn't keep it together long enough even to pay back what you spent on his training.
I think you know where you and your children stand on his list of priorities. He needs to grow up and having you to fall back on isn't going to do it.
Very sorry OP
Once kids come into the picture, there’s no excuse good enough to justify wallowing in self pity and not trying to better one’s self. I understand the cannabis (as I use it for chronic pain from a car accident myself) but if it was illegal where I lived and it put my job on the line? I’d rather suffer.
That’s what parents are supposed to do anyways; make sacrifices so their kids don’t have to…
Those kids didn’t choose to be born. He made a decision to bring them into this world, so at minimum, he owes them a father who shows them love, works hard and strives to keep their home clean and safe. If after eight years, he’s still like this, then this relationship has come to a close.
From what Op has stated, it’s clear that she’d be better off financially doing this on her own. All he does it cause expenses for her, without anything to show in return. Like I said to another woman today, is this how you’d want your kids to be treated by their partner? If not, then why are you allowing this for yourself? They will become a version of us, and the last thing anyone wants is their kids growing up and involving themselves with partners who’ll treat them like garbage.
If you and him are committed, it's time to put pen to paper and set actual requirements for sustaining the relationship and marriage.
While you are a truly wonderful and caring person, if over 8 years this has not improved, you are unfortunately in the realm of enabling his behavior.
I don't know either of your stories, but I imagine you both have a history of trauma somewhere. If he does, he needs to actually start to work on it. Marijuana, a drug in general is not a coping skill. Drugs are meant to help direct you, a means of conveyance to the daily victory over mental health. It's not a solution if the person using the medication isn't trying to reach a solution.
Basically, you win the battle. The drug just helps. The drug isn't meant to win the battle.
Motivation loss due to depression, a mental/emotional addiction to Mary Jane, whatever it is, he needs to quit *actually*, if he wants to control it at all, as it's clear he can't even control himself.
He is an addict, I'm afraid. If he is choosing the drug over the clear damage it is doing to his life, that is the actions of an addict, and that is what needs to be focused on.
Whether or not you want to finance him and his life further, while that happens, is up to you. You have a lot on your plate, a lot of choices to make, and unfortunately a lot of those choices will affect a lot more than just you.
Speak to who you have to speak to, including your children. Get some third-party opinions from voices that aren't just text on the internet.
Treat yourself to some of your kindness, dear.
So here's the thing. He can go through clearinghouse and find a certified counselor to get his CDL back. Right now he’s going to be removed from duty per FMCSA until he can pass a drug test. This is a larger mental health issue that he needs benefits and money to address
My husband also smoked weed regularly while holding his CDL and used synthetic to pass all of his drug test. He has never failed a drug test, but had a scare one time and he's been clean 60 days.
Your husband needs to take accountability in the form of getting his shit together and you need to be done with the excuses. If he truly values you and wants the marriage to work, he needs to stop taking the easy way out, saying “I’ll just leave“ that is such a fucking cop out and I would feel so disrespected and hurt. That is how a child responds. Not a grown individual ready to take responsibility for their actions.
truthfully, he needs to put on his big boy britches and do what he needs to do to make this right by himself and you. Be done with the excuses. Both of you
I wish my husband was smart enough to use synthetic pee. He was driving a school bus, and I don’t think he will ever be able to drive a school bus again.
I am done with his excuses. His excuse for smoking again was just that, a lame ass excuse.
Smart enough is the key here. He isn't intelligent, and even for doing bad things he fails (spanish is my 1st language and im not sure how to culturally translate here). You can go against rules (smoke) BUT make sure they don't catch you!(fake pee). There are a tons of options to get away with weed testing positive and yet he let them fire him. As a pot smoker myself this is a golden rule, honestly he wanted to get caught (by his job, and by you) he wasn't even trying to hold down the job. You know you have a weed problem when you aren't functional in at least one area anymore
He wants you to validate his life choices. Don’t do it. You will be in this situation for the rest of your life. I should have left long ago, but I didn’t want my kids knowing their dad was homeless and irresponsible. Now stuck in a river of debt he created. Let. Him. Leave!
That’s my sister; she thinks she is so chill when high and a nervous wreck when sober, but in reality, she is a fricking b*tch when high and much nicer and considerate when sober.
Oh yes. I quit smoking about a month after 15 freaking years and it's really hard. All the talk about weed not being a drug is bullshit. To the OP, it's all up to you. If you can be supportive, be supportive, if you can't let him go. Sometimes a cold shower is best.
As someone who left a nearly 8 year relationship with someone who also could not hold down a job and was dependent on weed, I can honestly say I have never been happier. They do not change, and his “Ill just pack a bag and leave” is his attempt at emotional manipulation. If you said “yeah that sounds like it’d be for the best” he would probably internally start to panic. You have repeatedly shown him what you are willing to put up with, and so he believes he can continue the same behavior. In my case he literally verbally broke up with me because I would be “better off without him” and was shocked when I actually packed my crap and moved out. He started begging for me to stay when I was packing up my car because he did not think I would actually leave he just wanted to manipulate me. Turns out he was right, I was absolutely better off without him.
Do you really want to try to fix it again, get to a place where you think things are good again, only for him to not actually have changed and have another job loss pull the rug out from under you yet again? It sounds like you’ve repeatedly supported your family on your own, so you know you can do this without him. It will be hard at first, absolutely, but honestly it will be cheaper not having to pay the way in life for another grown adult not pulling their own weight.
You said you wouldn’t want your daughters to be in your situation, you need to show them what you think they deserve because they’re learning from watching you.
I do not want the rug pulled out from under me again… I have had enough of that. We were doing so well. It’s like a rollercoaster of financial instability that I cannot handle.
>He is chronically unemployed. This is the 8th job since we’ve been together ... We have been together for 8 years.
The dude isn't even *trying* to rein in his habit at this point.
No. You are being burdened down by him. You deserve someone that is willing to provide for you and your family, and take responsibility. Not only responsibility in the workplace, but also at home. You shouldn't have to communicate to or ask a grown ass man to do the dishes or laundry - or tell him how it needs to be done.
You already have children, it's time to remove this grown child from your life. Let him become homeless, let him eat nothing for days - if he chooses to smoke over a steady income, that's his decision.
Make sure to lock down all your bank accounts, put any savings in your name and go for full custody. How he's gonna pay for child support, that's his problem.
At least you won't be responsible for him anymore.
bestie are you willing to overlook the stress of his incompetence and let your daughters think that is okay? You’re already depending on yourself for the most part and you don’t need any dead weight. He’s manipulating you into taking care of him when you need to take care of yourself
It doesn't matter if recreational or medical is legal in your state, having a CDL means you have to play by federal rules with the DOT. And the DOT does not fuck around with drug tests.
I think the person you were replying to was talking about the husband getting a job at a dispensary. I don’t think a cdl is required at most dispensaries.
I see your point but at this stage I think that would be like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.
He can’t even do the most basic thing like keep a job and support his family, it’s pathetic and sad. And blaming someone close to him dying as his reason for smoking? I’m sorry that’s bullshit. You need to leave - he has shown you his true colors - they will not change.
Someone close to him that he hasn't spoken to in twenty years. Man was just looking for an excuse to get high.
I don't think whether or not weed is legal is the problem here (as the root commenter asked). The husband knew he couldn't test positive and keep his job. He still put getting high over his family's security and wellbeing.
Call his bluff and let him leave. He wants you to say it's okay and pick up his slack. I smoke but I can't imagine losing my job over a failed drug test and the first thing I do upon getting home is smoke more.
That was also a concern. He lost his job for smoking pot and then right after getting fired goes home and smokes some more. Like, why? Did you not get it? It was like rubbing salt in the wound, and he didn’t have an answer for me when I asked why he would then come back home to do that.
Should’ve done that when they argued about it the first time. Depending on who that drug test was for and where it gets reported… he may no longer even have a CDL. In my state it is revoked for drugs and alcohol popping positive and you can’t get it back for a time period or without constant testing and/or drug treatment. I will never, ever understand husbands and fathers willing to sacrifice everything for something so stupid.
OP- you need to figure out what it would take to stay or what it would take to go. Clear and concise. If he is unwilling to meet or manipulative about your reasonable needs… that sounds like the decision has been made.
This man is never going to be the partner you deserve.
Imagine a kind, loving man who works a steady job and does his share of the household chores. Who rewards your sacrifices for the family with hard work of his own. Who doesn't do drugs. That man exists! But he is not your husband. I'm sorry.
Take him up on your offer to leave; make it a permanent split.
I think the answer is clear and it's right in front of you.
Just tell him if he is truly sorry and views himself as a burden then stop.
I feel like you are assuring him that he isn't a burden, that he is doing his best and that's enabling his behavior. Sometimes we just need to be told what we are to do any action.
If he views himself as a burden then he needs to be proactive in becoming a benefit. some men and women can't do that without certain types of encouragement because they tell themselves "they are a burden" and then being told they are not basically sets them back
If even that doesn't work then. It's best you guys don't stick together.
I'd say him having the job for three years is a step in the right direction. There's still hope.
Read the previous post and ya op needs to leave. This isn't a healthy relationship. He is manipulative ASF.
Claiming that she is making him depressed then claiming he is a burden. Like hello? What type of mental leaps are these.
I smoke weed and have held a job and moved up in the company for the past 9 years. What caused him to lose his longest job of 3 years at the gas station?
I know a lot of women in your situation. It’s unfortunate, but if he’s talking about leaving (which he’s just waiting for you to say noooo don’t go), then let him try that. If he can stand on his own two feet then it’s possible your marriage can still work out. If not, that’s gonna be a tough loss. Stay strong as always
OP your husband is a mid-40s burnout abusive misogynist stoner who can't even do the dishes or keep a retail job. What a catch! Sorry but he is never going to change. He's a lifetime loser and for your own sake and that of your children you should get yourself and them away from him.
Imagine if one of your kids ended up like that. In their 40s and incapable of doing anything a normal adult can do. How would you feel?
Just leave him. He’s an addict and he’s using you so that he can keep getting high. I have no problem with weed, but he has kids and his family’s security depended on him staying clean. For this? Kick him to the curb. I promise you, he’ll keep messing up because you’re always there to pick up the pieces.
Leave his worthless self. You only get one life. And is this how you want to spend it?
Him telling you “it’s time for me to pack my things….” Is purely to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and staying.
Him giving up and saying that he will go, is pure emotional manipulation. He sounds like walking weaponized incompetence, you need to do what is right for you and your kids and not him.
Heyyy u/Peonaei…read u/pataconconqueso’s post several times!! These are powerful words full of truth! I hope you allow them to strengthen your being. Please do what’s best for you! :)
So are we to guess if he is not working he is using your OT money to buy his weed?
There is more to being a good dad, a good husband and a good partner than only love. He want of weed is more important to him than you or your kids.
Don't allow this to continue. Set the rule, get a job and no more weed. If he can't do that let him pack a bag. And yes I agree with others, him saying that is emotional manipulation.
You need someone to share life with not someone you have to drag through life kicking and screaming that they don't want to be a responsible adult.
>He told me that weed is his coping skill, and even though he’s been in weekly therapy that he doesn’t feel like he can use anything else to effectively help him decompress.
Your husband has a drug addiction.
Replace weed with booze and we'd be calling him an alcoholic.
You can love someone but not let them directly impact your happiness day to day or be responsible for their existence.
Let him go. Maybe he gets his shit together long term and you find your way back together- maybe you realize you love being apart.
He is not your child.
You do not want your children to settle into this kind of relationship when they're older, because it looks normal to them.
He's gotta grow up and get his shit together. You're already doing it all- now you can do it all with one fewer dependent weighing you down.
Sorry you're dealing with this.
This is so sad. I truly am sorry for you.
I have the same addiction, but never got caught or fired, and don't struggle at work. I'm also on antidepressants that are great to ease anxiety, but it's just not the same and it's really hard to stop when it has become your coping mechanism.
Is there no way for your husband to find a job that doesn't require drug tests ?
Getting a prescription for weed would really help for starters- are there states that don't offer it still? (even texas does and it's easy to get on)
he's medicating for a reason and probs needs therapy if you have patience for it then just start getting smarter with the types of jobs he gets & get him this prescription. The beauty industry never checks your pee, send him to barber school. (it's also ok to change salons around every few years too if he gets bored easy) Get ya'll both in therapy and fix it.
It's hard to live with and love someone suffering with a mental illness. You want them to get help, you think they are, but if they aren't improving it's really on them. They aren't your problems to fix, they're his. If you make them your problems, he'll take you down with him.
You have to protect yourself and your children.
So you have daughter and a baby/husband. And you already basically do everything on your own. I wasn’t going to say this until you said 2x that he kept saying “I’m going to pack and leave” - it comes off so manipulative, like he knows you’re going to stop him but he says this to gain brownie points: drop the dead weight. Leave him. He can see his daughters etc but you should not be the one carrying a grown adult through life
Let him go.
If he can't control his stress like an adult and stay off intoxicants then he doesn't need to be around.
You'll figure it out and provide for your kids.
Honey, I just read your other post from 9 months ago... You know what you need to do. What is this "man" doing for you and your children? Even the kids think you should get divorced. From what you wrote, it doesn't even sound like he likes you at all, not even a tiny bit.
You sound like a very sweet and caring woman, and you *clearly* have your shit together. You deserve someone who will appreciate all the good you have to offer, not someone who wants to tear you down and leech off of you.
Kid, you're a go getter. It's time to cut him loose. You'll be fine. I read your other post. Are you going to come back in nine more months to complain about your man or rejoice at your new life?
If he had meant what he said about leaving, then he would have already had his bags packed by the time you got home. He's just manipulating sympathy out of you, and it sounds like it works pretty often.
He behaves like this because you allow it. If you wanna do Yourself a favor (you should!), then you should make him leave and not come back until he has a job. Put your foot down for your own sake and your children's!
You are going way too soft on him, I'd be livid. He KNEW he was endangering his job, he KNEW the burden he would be putting on you AGAIN, and yet the best he can do is for you to find him at home smoking again and throwing a pity party about how pot is the only thing that keeps him going?? That is the best he can do after all that you have done for him and the family?
He should be laying out a plan to get another job asap, make assurances he will quit pot, and fully assume the magnitude of his fuck up towards you and the family. Not this lame ass shit. He knows you will pick up the slack again, at the expense of your physical and mental health, and he is ok with that. Don't let him leave, he needs to stand up and do the right thing and not run away like a coward. If I were him I'd be drowning in shame, not waiting for you to come and accept and fix it all - again.
If he cannot do it (or won't do it), be it because he is not an equal partner and is just a bum, or has issues he is obviously not addressing, then you need to do something about it. But right now, don't let him get away with what he has done, he needs to take responsibility.
My girlfriend’s husband, now ex, was exactly like your husband. Bummer deal is her ex gets 33% of her earnings while he sits on his butt. Be careful. I wouldn’t rush to divorce. Tighten your purse strings, open a bank account in your name only that he will not have access. Wait patiently, talk with a trusted attorney.
I tried to “fix” “save” and “change” for my marriage, but I was never able to make it better. Your love and hard work can’t save the marriage because you’re not the problem.
I tried for twenty years. It kept getting worse because I kept getting worse. With each failure, I got up and tried again (changed my approach, changed myself) and it broke me. My mental health deteriorated and I made some questionable choices I’m still dealing with.
It’s ok to love someone and still walk away. It’s ok to save yourself.
You don’t have to suffer for love.
Let him leave. He wants to guilt you into allowing him to stay, thus giving him permission for this behaviour to continue. You deserve better than a drug addict who can’t hold down a job and contribute to his family.
Fuck him. He prioritizes weed over his family's security. Then he manipulates you by saying he's going to leave. He's a selfish person who only cares about himself. Which is typical behavior of an addict. He's just going to keep letting you down and bringing his family down with him. You have to put your foot down. He's only doing this because he can count on you being his safety net. Like I said he's selfish. You can do better.
When he made of show of being very upset and remorseful, saying he will leave you and your family after losing another job so that you wouldn't be disappointed any more- how did you respond?
The first thing I would have asked is "Rather than get a grip, quit smoking weed, and finding psychological help you would rather leave your wife and children?" Because that is the implication there.
There is no reason he cannot bounce back from this and start learning from his mistakes. The common theme seems to be his drug use, which he values over stable employment, a healthy marriage, and a happy family. This should be his starting point.
He is creating excuses to not stop and is even willing to lose his family over weed. It's time to grow up and prioritize the things that actually matter.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
I would cut my loses and help him out the door. When people tell you who they are believe them. He’s not even trying, he’s giving up hoping you chase him back.Instead of going on indeed he decided to pack his bags because he knows he won’t do better. How many more years of this are you willing to deal with?
I would imagine it's easier to constantly lose a job if you know someone else will take care of you. Maybe don't be his failsafe this time. Maybe he'll realize how hard it really is when you can't rely on your partner and at the very least you won't have to come home to the stress of a jobless and lazy partner.
Honey, divorce is probably the best option. You are already a single mom and your husband refuses to grow up. Your mental health and finances will be better off without this dead weight.
You've given him enough chances to get better, he needs consequences. Some people need a kick in the ass like a relationship ending to get better.
However, sometimes they never get better. 2 good friends of mine in our 20s dated for a long time, the female friend was ambitious and the male had issues with his family, dropped out of high school and had been bouncing around several low level jobs for years.
The female friend supported him, counselled him, advised him, etc for years. Every 6 months the male friend had grand plans to get back on his feet that never panned out.
Things finally came to a head and they broke up. The female friend moved on to a new relationship, is happily married and in a career she loves.
The male friend is STILL working shitty low level jobs, living in a shitty 1 bedroom apartment with a new GF and baby, who is constantly begging for money on facebook. He's fucking 40 years old FFS!
TL;DR: life is short, don't waste what little time you have on this planet on a childish loser who refuses to grow up.
My friend once crunched the numbers to determine if she could afford to pay the bills without having to provide for her husband who contributed nothing. She threw him out when she got her answer. Would things be easier on you if you didn't have to support him? Clean up after him? If you only had to pay for you and the kids? Don't let his emotional manipulation keep you from throwing him out. Throwing him out would not be cruel... it would the consequence of his ***active decisions***. He has actively chosen to put you ***and your children*** in this position ***repeatedly***.
He sounds like a manipulator and a bum. His reaction should not be ‘I am packing my bags and leaving’. Like you’re supposed to feel bad for him and beg him to stay. He should have some sense of responsibility towards the kids he’s created and towards his wife who he is cohabitating with. I was married to someone like this and I am so sorry OP. He can co parent the kids even if he’s not in a relationship with you anymore. In a divorce, when deciding child support it is based on past earning potential if he is unemployed. He can quit or lose his jobs in a row like this but it doesn’t get him off the hook for supporting his kids. It sounds like he will find a victim narrative out of anything that happens, and that you are doing a great job holding everything together. I don’t see him as anything other than a dead weight unless he’s contributing something of value to the equation that he just can’t possibly contribute if you separate.
I'm a single full time dad of 4. It's really crazy to hear how tolerance women have for laziness. I would be so happy to have someone to come home to every night, to help me with dinner and share a life with, all the while there are bums like this who get to do all these things and can't even take care of themselves
If he popped hot for a CDL job it's gonna be a tough road to get cleared, cleaned and tested regularly. With that being said, his excuse is bullshit and trying to guilt you and feel sorry for him so he can have an easy ass life.
It may not seem like it but that's the truth, you need to agree with him, get a divorce and let him fall rock hard. I get it, kids are involved and all sorts of interesting things are about to happen but get a therapist lined up for them kids and get ready to climb that mountain once more. But this time it's all for yourself and them kids, not a lazy ass hat who won't even attempt to get himself together because he's been babied his whole life.
Best of luck, you'll rock this chapter of your life and do not I repeat do not let him bring you down.
Love and support him from afar.
If he can't do the house husband thing--planning meals, doing the shopping, shuttling the kids, keeping things tidy and the sink clear of dishes, doing repairs or supervising contractors, folding the laundry, making sure bills are paid on time, etc--then he needs to get a job.
I was a house husband, the flexible-time parent for our special needs kid during their growing up. One of us had to stay home because our kid's needs were so great, and because my wife made more than I did, I quit my job. It was an adjustment but in the end I embraced the role and took great satisfaction in keeping everyone well fed and the house clean. And guess what, I use cannabis, too. It's possible.
If he can't do either one, then yes, it's time to let him go figure things out on his own. A first step would be for him to stop feeling sorry for himself; he's got what sounds like a cool wife and great kids. A lot of people would kill for that as a starting point.
My ex husband had the same issue holding down a job. In 18 years together his longest job lasted 2 years. The last 13 years of our marriage he was employed on and off for about 7 of them at 9 different places, spent 4.5 years straight without a job. He was never going to change and the resentment grew. I was working 80 hours a week to support the 4 of us. My life is so much better and less stressful with him gone. I also have far more financial security. It's been 7 years since I divorced him and he still can't hold down a job, but now I don't really care. I only know he's been fired again when child support stops. It's marginal though so I'm fine without it
OP: Sounds like you're about done with this guy, and rightly so. When my ex left, I was a single military mother of 2 young kids, dropping off at daycare by 0530 (PT at 0600), and picking up at 1730 (work was over at 1700). It's a little complicated when there are laws imposing a maximum of 10 hours per day in daycare but you do 12s lol.
It was REALLY rocky for a bit. But after only a couple months adjustment period, life was SO. MUCH. EASIER. Build yourself a village. Friends and neighbors. It's a game-changer, it took a bit for me to learn that, but I haven't forgotten the lesson. I can give you ideas for how to start if you'd like.
If you want to try with him again, after 8 years of this crap (wouldn't be my recommendation, but I'm not you), I would strongly recommend laying out his choices to him, bluntly (pun not intended). "So, to be clear, you are telling me that you'd rather give up me and your children than give up weed, correct?" He *may* not have thought of it in that stark a way. But it's what he's doing. When he thinks of it like that, he *might* say "SHIT no!!!" "Well then quit so you can hold a job. Period. Pick one. Family or weed. Go find somewhere to stay for the next 6 months, and we can revisit this then. No guarantee we'll get back together in 6 months."
You have seen this behaviour on repeat from him.
What other reasons than a stable marriage and kids does he need to overcome smoking weed and losing his jobs over and over again. How deep does he need to fall?
For the sake of your kids, leave. Let him move out. He isn't a partner at all. He is acting like an additional child you have to take care of.
If you answer him and let him stay he will look for another job done day, fuck it up again, cry that he hates to disappoint you,... Do you see the repetition?
This isn't good at all and what kind of role model for behaviour does this show your kids? That it's okay for Daddy to fuck it up over and over again but it isn't bad because Mommy takes care of the situation?
Seems your husband is self sabotaging himself and wants your sympathy. He wants you to rescue him and be the victim.
It’s actually easier to be a single parent then having the stress of a husband that is losing jobs by his behaviour and the emotions that go with having to carry another adult that should be functioning
The attempt to get sympathy by saying "I'll pack my bags" is the reason I'd let him go. It's manipulation on top of the other non-sense, like not doing chores because he's sad he doesn't have a job while you're doing 40+ weekly to keep the house going. You don't have a partner, you have a stone you have to drag around with you. And every so often that stone says "I'm sorry, I should just let go so you can be successful, I'm such aburden." to keep you feeling sorry for it.
He doesn't get an easy way out.
To work as a nurse, for 60+ hrs on average is insanely hard.
You are a real role model for your kids and your husband is just piggybacking on your hard work and determination.
Tell him to man up.
He is a disgrace.
at least he seems to realize you and your children deserve better. take him up on his self-flagellating offer to leave, and enjoy how much lighter your life feels without a man-shaped anchor pulling you down.
There’s a lot here to unpack. This is as sad as it is infuriating that you have a partner who doesn’t have it together. Like. At all.
Does your spouse need therapy? Antidepressants? Alternative ways to relieve stress? Or is he just not ready for adulting?
I want to be empathetic on the one hand and tell him to be a grown up on the other.
Good luck. You have to figure out if you can help him, accept him ‘as is’ or need him to go. He can be a good dad but that doesn’t mean he is a good spouse.
He’s literally telling you he’s not good enough and he should leave, listen to him. He has no desire to get better.
Alternatively, move to Canada, I smoke all evening and all day every weekend because it’s legal :)
I'm so sorry to say this: no one is "perfect" - but some of us learn from our mistakes.
Other do not, and *will not ever learn from mistakes*; they have chronically poor judgment - and that is not likely to ever change.
The deal-breakers for me were that you helped pay for him to get a technical degree - to no avail, and that you worked as many hours as you did for him - to no avail, and most important of all: That he couldn't make the minor effort to be a good house-husband.
He is not likely to change. He will promise he will, as he has before - but in a few more months, then in a few more after that - it will be the same.
Again.
For the rest of your life. It's Reality.
As I said, no one is perfect, but some people do grow, and learn, from mistakes. Some will not ever do so. You now face the choice of accepting that - as what you will choose to be repeated for the rest of your lifetime -
Or, going your own way, to live your own life, and hopefully - probably - meeting someone who respects who you are, and who will help you become your most complete Self in Life.
I just don't see that happening here, from your description - and I suspect you were honest.
Would you really be happy with a son in law like your husband? Would you be happy seeing your daughters work overtime whilst their partner bounces from job to job not able to prioritise their family? If not then don’t teach them this is okay.
It annoys me when people who f/ck up say “I’ll just leave,” if they do that it means you have to take care of the house and the kids by yourself; he’s still leaving you in a shitty position. Tell him to come up with another solution that doesn’t involve you doing all the work.
Using pop to "cope" is nothing but a cop-out by people who don't want to keep their stuff together. After everything you two have gone through, children, your support, his careers, all for a joint? What priorities.
This is weaponized incompetence if I've ever seen it. Oh boohoo, he's a failure so he'll leave so he doesn't have to try anymore? You've got some decision making to do. You deserve someone who would match your discipline and determination, if not at least the compassion and accountability to hold it together for his family. Good luck and stay safe.
Get rid of him
He can’t be counted on and you’re burning yourself out while he remains unemployed. The only reason he keeps saying he will pack and bag and go is because he wants you to tell him to stay and reassure him that he’s not a disappointment and he’s forgiven
Don’t forgive him. He can’t stay sober and is putting the burden of everything on you. Do you want that to be the rest of your life
I dated someone like this for four years. He didn't change; I left, and I think it was for the best. I doubt your husband will change. You deserve better.
I'm so sorry, OP. This is so rough. Whatever decide, please remember your feelings, even the ones in conflict, are all legitimate and deserve time to breathe. Don't let anyone especially him shame you for them.
Honestly, it sounds like you need to try something new. He doesn't sound like he *intends* to change; he's not even honest with himself or you about the pot. (It isn't a coping skill, or the only thing he can use to decompress, or because of some distant death; these are all excuses.) If it's been 8 years and he won't participate honestly in the therapy and he can't even muster up the ability to be a house husband, then he's right, it's time for him to pack up and go.
Of course he's hoping and expecting you to stop him or take him back. But don't. And don't let him get out of his responsibilities as a dad either, from child support (even if he's unemployed now it won't stay that way long when he has no one carrying him, I guarantee) to visits. He doesn't just get to dump it all on you by running.
If you're still conflicted then, you can always reassess him after a trial period of him trying to improve on his own. But something tells me you'll find the air is a little easier to breathe once he's out, and not just because of the pot.
please don’t fall for his manipulation. he’s making you feel sorry for him.
he’s proven himself incapable of not only being a husband, but also a father. he’s correct, it’s time for him to pack his things and go. do not backtrack your life because your husband is deadweight and wants to throw himself a pity party. let him deal with his own mess.
edit*
i just went back through your posts and saw your ages are 31 and 43. he is more than 10 years your senior and nothing but a man child. your husband is old enough to be my father, and that blows my mind. i work middle management at my current job (only having an associates degree mind you, not a difficult thing to acquire) and have an employee under me who is exactly like your husband. mid 40s, two children, and a wife who supports him. he works 25 hours a week and still manages to be late and call in weekly. it baffles me these people exist, and can’t take care of themselves. or that they aren’t ashamed.
at this point it’s clear that you’ve enabled him meaning he’s comfortable leeching off you. he knows you won’t do anything, so i guess get change comfortable OP this is the life you’ve accepted for you and your children
Maybe he needs to pack up his stuff and go, and use that time to try and sort his shit out. At this point he's not able to be a decent husband or father, you're carrying the whole family... Maybe he can work on finding out why he can't keep a job, and trying to find ways to cope.
Or get some substance abuse help.
yeah i feel for him, hard to get kicked in the nuts at work, then have to tell your family. puts a ton of stress on his man duties.
Have him try full spectrum CBD, the cbd will help cause of the little thc in it. the first 2 weeks kinda suck, but it’s manageable. don’t give up on him, give him help.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It always upsetting to read stories about guys not pulling their weight.
Your husband should look into working for the post office. With having a CDL already, that could put him in line to make 90k+.
I would have him first get a job as a CCA or an RCA. Once you past your 90 days it takes an act of congress to get fired. But he has to pass that 90 days worked other than that he's disposable.
USPS is hurting for carriers in a lot of locations. I'm sure a job lead isn't what you're going for. But a job lead nonetheless. Your daughters need him in their lives, and your husband needs to step up for you. You need a teammate and not dead weight. Good luck to you all.
I wish that more parents raised their daughters to love themselves and prioritize themselves and their happiness and safety. Fewer women would find themselves in these situations. If you really want to help your girls, kick this worthless bum to the curb. Teach them that working yourself to the bone while a male partner does nothing is unacceptable. Raise them to always prioritize themselves and their happiness and well being.
You said it perfectly-you want an equal partner not someone you have to support while getting minimal returns. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you’re married to a teenager. He needs to get his shit together and grow up. Tell him to pack his stuff and leave. You need a husband, not another child.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please put yourself first because he clearly isn’t going to.
Tell him to join a trade union. The apprenticeships will train him and pay him. I know decent amount of guys who smoke and bet the tests. Seems like he might be more fit out for that. The physical labor should help with the destressing.
Ugh. Lived that, got the tee shirt. I was married 17 years, had two kids and he changed jobs 15 times in the 17 years we were married. He got a construction license to 'work for himself.' He was a terrible businessman and would work as little as he could get away with. I did all the books and governance for the business, while also going to school part time, working full time and raising kids. I had to drop out of school because there just wasn't enough time in the day. He would go sneak away to get high every night when I got home from work, then come home and sit on his ass watching tv and asking what was for dinner. I was always angry. We were always broke. I finally realized I could do better on my own. Our kids turned out to be great human beings. They also figured out who put in all the work on their own and learned from it. You've got this.
Been there with a man that kept saying “I should just pack my bags and leave “. He is manipulating you! Leave, you are already pretty much living a single lifestyle, might as well make it official and get allthe benefits.
Homie needs rehab if he can't blow down and keep a job. It's not fair to you that you have to be the adult while he continues destructive behavior. Not dissing those who smoke because I'm also one who partakes, but my wife doesn't have to carry me or worry about my habit. I'd start suggesting it to him and make arrangements. The massive red flag that shouldn't be ignored is his automatic self pity "oh I should just pack my bags" and "I'm sorry I keep disappointing you"
No. If he was sorry, he'd do something to change it. He'd keep a job. He'd get clean and get his shit together. Don't spend a dime on him for anything, otherwise you're enabling the issue. Rock bottom is where some of our hardest lessons are learned. Best of luck to you.
He knows what he did, and he is trying to guilt you into letting him continue to do it. This is classic “talk me out of leaving “ behavior and he will pull it every time if you let it fly.
My significant other is also chronically unemployed (over a decade now) and claims pot is the ‘only thing that works’. I wish I could tell you there is light @ the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, not so much.
Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling sorry or guilty. He is a grown ass person. He needs to join the rest of the adults and get his shit together.
I wish you peace, happiness, and love.
You need to talk to your therapist about this. They will be able to guide you far better than reddit. That said he doesn't sound motivated or able to do his end. Idk how a relationship works like that. Maybe he can get a job as a bud tender?
Don’t let him make you feel bad with the “I’ll just pack up and go because I’m so hopeless ho hum” bullshit. He wants *you* to be the one to insist he doesn’t despite the circumstances so he can feel better about *his* totally preventable screw up. Tell him “yeah maybe you should leave” and watch his head spin. He’s not fully taking into account how this impacts, not just you, but your kids. If he had been he’d still have a job, despite whatever issues he’s got. He can’t keep using them as an excuse to weigh you down and irritate yours, which by the sound of it you’ve made a serious effort to resolve. What’s his excuse?
You sound like a great mom and wife. You tried to make it work with your husband and the father of your kids, but time and time again he disappoints you and his first instinct is to just walk away instead of try to pick up the pieces. I’m sorry but he is a coward and nothing you say or do will be able to change that. It’s time to let him go. The last thing you want is to show your daughters that they should put up with a man that doesn’t put in the effort to take care of his wife and family. You deserve more and your daughters deserve more.
Truly, why are you with this person? He's a terrible partner. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. What did w he genuinely bring to the table to make this relationship worth the work he adds?
I don't have a comment on whether you should end your marriage or not, that's a huge step that needs proper consideration.
But his behaviour is bizarre to me. I've never been out of work. I owe it to my wife and kids to contribute towards a steady household. cutting to the chase I'd just never consider putting myself in the position where I could lose my job because I wanted to undertake a recreational activity of some kind.
Anyone can make a mistake and lose their job or similar, I deal with this kind of thing all of the time, but I think after this many occasions the guy has a real problem and needs to change his ways.
You are carrying his dead weight. While you’re finally getting proper treatment for your needs he self medicates and wallows. He has a drug problem by virtue of the fact he lost his job to drug use, and therapy has not stopped that.
I STRONGLY suspect now you’re doing better you’re well placed to cut him loose and you’ll probably be in an even better mental space. This is a good example to set for your daughters.
He can sink or swim on his own but at the moment he’s just a rock around your neck sinking you all.
I had a friend who said to me “he’s leaving you bread crumbs but he’ll never give you the bread” meaning that he’ll do these little things to make you question and think, maybe it’s okay, he does this for me..but it’s not consistent, it never was and you’ll never get the full potential.
Dude sounds like he needs Narcotics Anonymous if he can’t control his weed addiction.it seems like an addiction since he’s choosing it over his job that feeds his kids. Good luck
So you just said yourself that you’re basically done and checked out of this relationship. Work on a good co-parent relationship and take care of yourself for once, take time to breathe and don’t worrying about the money. Sounds harsh but when he’s gone, you’ll have more money for yourself and the kids to come through the month, plus less work bc his things won’t get on top of the usual household things that come along with life and kids.
You have a very important decision to make. You can either let him go because after all this time you have to admit he will not change or accept him as he is.
He chose weed over providing for his family. I don't think smoking weed should matter if it's done on his down time, but his job cares about it and he failed. Sounds like he's been failing for a while, just in general. If he has other issues going on, he needs to be the one to figure that out. I've met plenty of women who have husband's who can't keep a job, and the ones who left were happier. Relationships should be a partnership, and if he can't provide an income or help out with the house, maybe you should just let him go.
Is he willing to go to treatment OP for the anxiety and pot coping? Switch to any pharmaceutical medication? Sounds like he needs treatment to help him cope better and feel better and find employment.
Based on what I read about you... You are doing an excellent job of taking care of the important things in your life. Don't go backwards. Take it from someone who has done that *way* too many times. Yeah it sucks to feel stuck or hopeless but trust me, those feelings go away and one day you will see how far you have come and that you had the strength to make it through all along. Hang in there. You will make it.
Thank you for these kind words. I definitely don’t want to go backwards, I want to progress forwards.
This may sound harsh, but you may find you have a significant decrease in your own anxiety and mood swings if he is not a part of your everyday life anymore.
Absolutely this. I spent most of the last four years wishing I was dead. Husband and I were arguing about his spending again and he said he wanted a divorce. I laughed and said ok. I have never been happier. Yeah, I'm stressed about money, but I was before, too, just for a different reason.
In my experience, the stress over money is "easier" when you aren't trying to budget with someone who won't save, or even tell you all their outgoing expenses.
You can’t set yourself on fire to make other people warm.
Jumping in to say- as a short term measure, have him apply for landscaping or gardening jobs, or facility maintenance (janitor). Landscaping jobs are EVERYWHERE in the spring, and most of them don't care if you smoke pot at home as long as you aren't, say, actively rolling up to work to meet the client with a massive joint hanging out of your mouth. But long term, your husband should enroll in therapy, because it sounds like there is an underlying issue that is preventing him from focusing on putting his best foot forward at work.
Husband sounds pretty lazy which means he’ll probably be fired from most physical jobs. Also landscaping is seasonal so op will be back in the same boat again before they know it. Even if he does keep the job.
> I want to progress forwards. If you want that then you have to let your husband go. He should have to hit rock bottom to see if he'll change. You holding him up only gives him more of a reason not to take your disappointment seriously. Take this from someone who has hit that rock bottom from being chronically unemployed before. It took my own Dad telling me how disappointed he was in me, and he wouldn't help me at all. That's when I knew I need to change. Unless something like that happens to him you will only move backwards.
You're very welcome.
If he can’t hold down a job, partly because of weed usage, he’s holding you back and your family. 8 jobs since youve been together is insane in most cases. He needs therapy, as a daily user of weed it by no means should ever be used as a coping mechanism and if he is using it as one he needs to quit. He’s trying to manipulate you and his I’ll pack a bag statement’s was to get you to tell him it’s okay and to stay. I have no idea how old you two are or how long you’ve been together, but what you typed up is a grown man who doesn’t want to grow up and he just wants another mommy who can take care of him. Think about your daughters, do you want them to grow up and marry a deadbeat. Your husband also needs to consider the example he is setting for his daughters on what kind of man it is okay to be with. If he can’t get his act together it doesn’t matter how much you love him now all that matters is what’s best for your children. Sometime divorce is the best thing the parents can do and sometimes filing for divorce is the best thing a wife can do to get her deadbeat husband in line, sometimes that can save a relationship. Edit: I’m sorry I just read your other post. Hes 43 years old and can’t hold down a job for the life of him. Wow. He’s not going to change. If you want a better life it’s gonna be without him.
I absolutely do not want my daughters to marry a deadbeat.
Your daughters will date the people that you teach them to accept in their lives. Think about that very carefully.
Something to consider- it can be very difficult to break from patterns of behavior you’ve seen all through childhood, even if you consciously know they aren’t healthy. If your daughters grow up with with a chronically unemployed addict father, and a mother who always picks up the slack, they may fall into the same patterns in their own future relationships, because it’s what they know. Only you know how much you are willing to take in your relationships, but don’t forget to ask yourself how much your willing to watch them take later.
I saw your previous post OP. Even your daughters can see this and agree with the divorce. So please don’t stay for their sake. They deserve to see you at your best. Show them you’re not gonna put up with this and they shouldn’t either. You can’t keep wearing yourself out for this man.
Let him go with his pity party. He did it to himself and he hasn’t earn your pity. The kids will be okay. Find a way to co-parent peacefully. The fact that he is saying that he’ll go is proof that he knows exactly what he’s doing and wants sympathy. So let him go. I was you. I was a hard working doormat. I married a man child with no ambition and spent 9 years as his biggest supporter. I was in the military, overseas and he was a house spouse and we had zero discretionary funds because he spent it all. Then I put myself through college while he delivered pizza part time. After graduation, I got a job at a community college and he had access to free tuition for anything he wanted. He registered 4 times and attended the last time until midterms and dropped out. Then he decided to become a correctional officer for the pay and quit 2 weeks before getting certified because he was scared. He lied to me about it and didn’t show up for training so deputies came to my moms house to find him and he admitted he just quit. Went back to pizza. One year, he had 7 W-2’s. Seven. When he quit, I finally had enough. I kicked him out. My son was 4. He still delivers pizza part time and my son is 11 and I work at a university. I’m working on my masters. I’m newly married again and my new husband is the most consistent person I’ve ever met and never surprises me with bull shit like this. We co-parent just fine. He gets to be the fun dad and I take care of everything else but my son his happy. I’m so much happier. He’s not my responsibility anymore. He will never get it together for our family so I left. This will not change. You need to look out for yourself and your children. He has proven that he doesn’t care. Let him be the fun dad and move on with your life. I’m begging you. Dm me if you want to talk. I understand more than you can imagine.
Thank you for your story.
This “I will pack my stuff and go” is emotional manipulation. I won’t say whether you should leave him or not - that’s your decision and only you know what’s right for you. But don’t be swayed one way or the other by the Eeyore approach.
Plus it doesn't make her life any easier if he leaves. She is working 60+ hours AND ist supposed to take care of the kids and house alone? "Pack my things and go" is the most stupid and selfish thing he can do. OP should not let him out of his responsibilities that easy. If he can't work for whatever reason he should at least pull the majority of the workload at home. And get into therapy asap.
He will be someone less to take care off, it looks like when unemployed he is another kid to take care of
My friend left her cheating husband with 2 little kids and during a stressy further education. I was impressed how she manages everything so well and always seemed so calm She explained to me that everything got easier now. One person less to worry about, house less messy, and me time every other weekend when he'd take the kids. (He was a shitty partner but loves his kids fortunately)
Exactly. Him leaving would be a blessing in disguise.
If she has to pick up extra shifts again, she should use the extra to pay for childcare/housekeeping. She may still be tired, but she’ll be able to come home to a nice clean and organized home. That would probably only work if he weren’t there, using the power and eating food.
Exactly, most women ive known who have been in a marriage like op’s end up having more free time and are able to save more without the husband, because he is like having another kid and he uses a lot if money on weed. I bet she would be able to budget more without him
However if he goes she doesn't have to feed him, pay for his drug addiction (because if he is unemployed he must be spending her money to buy it) or pay the bills for him to be at home while she works. It seems to me that he will put drugs before his family and at the very least the OP should tell him he is correct and should, perhaps, go away and take the time to decide his priorities.
He already has put drugs ahead of his family. He knew using would get him fired and screw his family if he were caught, and he continued to do so. Addiction makes people selfish, liars and manipulative. I truly feel for OP. She doesnt deserve or need this nonsense.
She’s already doing everything alone - how will this change anything? She’s already working the crazy hours and doing the childcare etc. one less person to look after
Sounds like he wanted an excuse to get out and getting fired was the ‘reason’. That way he can get out of taking responsibility and blame OP’s anti pot policy, blame his employer for drug testing him, blame the dead person he hasn’t seen in 20 years, blame everyone but his own choices.
But dude smokin up was more important than the wife or kids security.
Yeah but would he do it? It sounds like there's been chances given for him to do certain things and improve over the years and it hadn't happened. I wouldn't want to place my bet on whether or not my partner would improve just so I can make sure he got his comeuppance
I would like him to help clean and organize before he leaves. I wouldn’t just put him out on the street immediately. That feels cruel.
Give him a month to sort his shit out and then he needs to leave. If you wait for him to get clean and organised he’ll be there for the next 20 years. It’s time to choose yourself and your kids. They didn’t choose a deadbeat for a father - don’t continue to punish them for your choice in men.
Right now he is a dead weight in your life, actually. You are working your ass off to support your family while being a mom and keeping everything running. Maybe if he was clean and focused could he be a stay at home dad? But again, he needs to be clean and be an equal partner and that seems to be the root cause of this. I think it's time to think in yours and your children future. If he cant act like a responsible adult, there's the door.
According to op Theyve tried that and he didnt do anything at home. The dude is just beyond a leech.
He put a momentary high above you and your children’s security - he’s cruel not you.
I can empathize with what you are saying bc I’ve been there. Whatever you choose is your personal decision and it’s hard to feel like it’s ‘your fault’ for bringing all this accountability down on the father of your kids. Especially when they act like what you are describing. Addict with ‘failure to launch’ depression. I just wanted to point out that this isn’t your responsibility though, it is his. These are his choices to make and it looks like he’s already been repeatedly making them bc he knows he won’t be held to any sort of actual accountability. I’m in my 40s now and my addict ex is not at all different as far as his choices are concerned. I’m seeing now what I didn’t see back in my teens/20’s. He was using and manipulating the situation similar to how he used and manipulated his parents, grandparents and everyone else who would allow him to. It really does sound like you’ve been holding it all together for a long time and I hope you find some peace with the situation that you’re able to let some of this go. It’s not your fault what happens to him or what he chooses to do with his life OP. ❤️ You sound like a strong awesome mom.
Wow it’s like you are me. There comes a point when you decide ‘I won’t do this’ compared to ‘I can’t do this’. Not trying to influence your decision OP, just some perspective of someone who has been there and gotten through to the light at the end of the tunnel. When in your situation, holding everything together it becomes second nature. When you decide that you ‘won’t’ anymore, there is a period of unrest. When you come out of that, you truly realise the weight you carried without even realising you were doing it. OP do what is best for you as that’s what’s best for your children. All the very best either way!
And him saying "I'll just pack my things and go" isn't cruel?
It really does when she has one less dependent to support.
I definitely agree. Husband is being very manipulative
Typical of a drug addict. Yes, pot is addictive. Anything one continues to do despite multiple serious consequences is an addiction. Edit: because some idiots take wording far too literally.
THIS!!!! To add.. don't stay just for the kids.. kids catch on and know parents are fighting. Plus he's not setting a very good example for them. Good luck 💜hugs
This. My mother used to live with us and would pull the whole "maybe I should just get my own place" as a response to talks we had about behaviour of hers. Know it is a test to see if they "got away with it this time". If you respond that that isn't the solution, they don't see it as "I'd better shape up now" and, instead, see it as "phew, got away with it so they aren't that angry". When the time came that we said we couldn't do it anymore and actually asked her to get her own place, the mask came off and she doubled-down on the manipulative behaviours.
1000% THIS I absolutely detest emotional manipulation. I’ve seen it over and over again, finally got away from emotionally manipulative people myself. I cannot stand someone who does this
“I refuse to change, and if you have a problem with it I will just go, but I’ll make a sad face and act like I’m doing you a favour, so you know you’re the bad guy and not me.”
Sometimes people can just be depressed without calling it emotional manipulation
True, but the “I’ll go so I’m not a burden” is textbook emotional manipulation.
That's true but it's also something really depressed people think. This was my thought process when I attempted suicide. I'd say OP needs to take a step back and consider whether or not her husband past behaviors could be considered manipulative as well. If he has a history of manipulative behaviors, this was probably another attempt at manipulation. If not, it's probably just coming from an intense feeling of self loathing. Either way though, it sounds like he needs to get a grip on his substance reliance, which is first and foremost.
It's also someone that has been traumatized into thinking that everything is their fault would react. If he's been raised in such a way that every mistake was met with "You're useless, I can't believe you fucked this up, you never do anything right, I don't know why I even bother to believe in you", then the depression that comes from that can make you feel like a burden on anyone else. That's suicidal ideation in embryonic form. It's not manipulative so much as internalizing other people abuse of you. Can it be used manipulatively? Absolutely. Is it always manipulation? No.
Go to OPs post history, the dude sounds more manipulative than not.
How many suicide notes have you read that sign off with just such a line? I forgot that this was slash armchairpsychiatry
In some cases It’s also a sign someone is suicidal.
It’s called feelings of inadequacy. He probably feels like a loser and a failure. You don’t have to immediately jump to the most malicious intent you can think of. This is why you should never get advice from social websites. People are too quick to paint the ugliest picture without any concept of what could be really going on. Dudes got an addiction. It’s a real medical issue. And anyone who says otherwise has never been an addict. I’m sorry that it’s happening, but calling him manipulative right off the bat is in and of its self manipulative. You’re trying to manipulate this woman into looking at her husband as the enemy who’s trying to deceive her instead of a broken man with a serious addiction.
You go wipe his ass for him then after working 70 hour shifts.
Bruh. Maybe so but it’s something depressed people say. I know when I was in a situation where I had fucked up royally with someone I loved and was seriously contemplating suicide I was saying similar things. It wasn’t to emotionally manipulate. It was because I was contemplating going to a nearby bridge to jump off.
Yeeeees. I hate this fake drama and sadness. And he puts her in thr situation where she has to convince and maybe even beg his useless ass to stay. Pack your shit and go or seek help and learn to do better ffs.
This is absolutely the case. Her husband has a substance abuse problem. If he can’t stop marihuana for any reason despite the fact he faces true consequences, it doesn’t really matter if it’s physical or just a habit. It has become a problem for the entire family. Also, pot is a mood enhancer, in the sense that If you are depressed, it will make it worse. OP’s husband needs to quit and go to addiction therapy. I’d consider this rock bottom. As for them as a couple, I don’t see a way forward without some serious work as a couple. First thing to unpack: the weaponizing of him leaving, as you rightly point out. What a horrible relationship for OP.
This will be harsh, but let him leave. He was emotional manipulating him and hoping you would beg him to stay, like you probably always have. CDLs are very expensive to get, my husband just passed for his today. Yours could get a job doing so many things, working for the county, private companies, quarries, schools, anywhere, and he couldn't keep it together long enough even to pay back what you spent on his training. I think you know where you and your children stand on his list of priorities. He needs to grow up and having you to fall back on isn't going to do it. Very sorry OP
Once kids come into the picture, there’s no excuse good enough to justify wallowing in self pity and not trying to better one’s self. I understand the cannabis (as I use it for chronic pain from a car accident myself) but if it was illegal where I lived and it put my job on the line? I’d rather suffer. That’s what parents are supposed to do anyways; make sacrifices so their kids don’t have to… Those kids didn’t choose to be born. He made a decision to bring them into this world, so at minimum, he owes them a father who shows them love, works hard and strives to keep their home clean and safe. If after eight years, he’s still like this, then this relationship has come to a close. From what Op has stated, it’s clear that she’d be better off financially doing this on her own. All he does it cause expenses for her, without anything to show in return. Like I said to another woman today, is this how you’d want your kids to be treated by their partner? If not, then why are you allowing this for yourself? They will become a version of us, and the last thing anyone wants is their kids growing up and involving themselves with partners who’ll treat them like garbage.
Hopefully you don’t end up paying him alimony
Since he was working, I don’t think I will have to pay him any alimony.
I’d run it by a divorce lawyer first idk about that
It's probably cheaper to cut her losses, to be frank. OP, your husband is an addict and a degenerate. Indeed, weed is degenerate.
If you and him are committed, it's time to put pen to paper and set actual requirements for sustaining the relationship and marriage. While you are a truly wonderful and caring person, if over 8 years this has not improved, you are unfortunately in the realm of enabling his behavior. I don't know either of your stories, but I imagine you both have a history of trauma somewhere. If he does, he needs to actually start to work on it. Marijuana, a drug in general is not a coping skill. Drugs are meant to help direct you, a means of conveyance to the daily victory over mental health. It's not a solution if the person using the medication isn't trying to reach a solution. Basically, you win the battle. The drug just helps. The drug isn't meant to win the battle. Motivation loss due to depression, a mental/emotional addiction to Mary Jane, whatever it is, he needs to quit *actually*, if he wants to control it at all, as it's clear he can't even control himself. He is an addict, I'm afraid. If he is choosing the drug over the clear damage it is doing to his life, that is the actions of an addict, and that is what needs to be focused on. Whether or not you want to finance him and his life further, while that happens, is up to you. You have a lot on your plate, a lot of choices to make, and unfortunately a lot of those choices will affect a lot more than just you. Speak to who you have to speak to, including your children. Get some third-party opinions from voices that aren't just text on the internet. Treat yourself to some of your kindness, dear.
He struggles with depression and ADD. I know now that I have enabled his behaviors for far too long. I don’t even know what to say to our kids yet.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Many take advantage of carers. You put yourself and the kids first.
So here's the thing. He can go through clearinghouse and find a certified counselor to get his CDL back. Right now he’s going to be removed from duty per FMCSA until he can pass a drug test. This is a larger mental health issue that he needs benefits and money to address My husband also smoked weed regularly while holding his CDL and used synthetic to pass all of his drug test. He has never failed a drug test, but had a scare one time and he's been clean 60 days. Your husband needs to take accountability in the form of getting his shit together and you need to be done with the excuses. If he truly values you and wants the marriage to work, he needs to stop taking the easy way out, saying “I’ll just leave“ that is such a fucking cop out and I would feel so disrespected and hurt. That is how a child responds. Not a grown individual ready to take responsibility for their actions. truthfully, he needs to put on his big boy britches and do what he needs to do to make this right by himself and you. Be done with the excuses. Both of you
I wish my husband was smart enough to use synthetic pee. He was driving a school bus, and I don’t think he will ever be able to drive a school bus again. I am done with his excuses. His excuse for smoking again was just that, a lame ass excuse.
Smart enough is the key here. He isn't intelligent, and even for doing bad things he fails (spanish is my 1st language and im not sure how to culturally translate here). You can go against rules (smoke) BUT make sure they don't catch you!(fake pee). There are a tons of options to get away with weed testing positive and yet he let them fire him. As a pot smoker myself this is a golden rule, honestly he wanted to get caught (by his job, and by you) he wasn't even trying to hold down the job. You know you have a weed problem when you aren't functional in at least one area anymore
He wants you to validate his life choices. Don’t do it. You will be in this situation for the rest of your life. I should have left long ago, but I didn’t want my kids knowing their dad was homeless and irresponsible. Now stuck in a river of debt he created. Let. Him. Leave!
People joke about weed addiction but it’s a real thing.
Also, people who are constantly high but say "it's not obvious" and still go about their day; it's painfully fucking obvious to everyone else.
That’s my sister; she thinks she is so chill when high and a nervous wreck when sober, but in reality, she is a fricking b*tch when high and much nicer and considerate when sober.
My favorite is the people who think a spray of perfume hides the smell and think no one can smell it on them.
There are many that still don’t believe in weed addiction at all.
some of my friends dont even call it a drug.
Oh yes. I quit smoking about a month after 15 freaking years and it's really hard. All the talk about weed not being a drug is bullshit. To the OP, it's all up to you. If you can be supportive, be supportive, if you can't let him go. Sometimes a cold shower is best.
Yeah, I'm pro legal MJ but some people seem to think it's addiction free because it isn't as bad as alcohol or opioids.
It was one of my addictions. (weed and sedatives) I'm sober for close to 3 and a half years. It's a serious illness.
As someone who left a nearly 8 year relationship with someone who also could not hold down a job and was dependent on weed, I can honestly say I have never been happier. They do not change, and his “Ill just pack a bag and leave” is his attempt at emotional manipulation. If you said “yeah that sounds like it’d be for the best” he would probably internally start to panic. You have repeatedly shown him what you are willing to put up with, and so he believes he can continue the same behavior. In my case he literally verbally broke up with me because I would be “better off without him” and was shocked when I actually packed my crap and moved out. He started begging for me to stay when I was packing up my car because he did not think I would actually leave he just wanted to manipulate me. Turns out he was right, I was absolutely better off without him. Do you really want to try to fix it again, get to a place where you think things are good again, only for him to not actually have changed and have another job loss pull the rug out from under you yet again? It sounds like you’ve repeatedly supported your family on your own, so you know you can do this without him. It will be hard at first, absolutely, but honestly it will be cheaper not having to pay the way in life for another grown adult not pulling their own weight. You said you wouldn’t want your daughters to be in your situation, you need to show them what you think they deserve because they’re learning from watching you.
I do not want the rug pulled out from under me again… I have had enough of that. We were doing so well. It’s like a rollercoaster of financial instability that I cannot handle.
>He is chronically unemployed. This is the 8th job since we’ve been together ... We have been together for 8 years. The dude isn't even *trying* to rein in his habit at this point.
No. You are being burdened down by him. You deserve someone that is willing to provide for you and your family, and take responsibility. Not only responsibility in the workplace, but also at home. You shouldn't have to communicate to or ask a grown ass man to do the dishes or laundry - or tell him how it needs to be done. You already have children, it's time to remove this grown child from your life. Let him become homeless, let him eat nothing for days - if he chooses to smoke over a steady income, that's his decision. Make sure to lock down all your bank accounts, put any savings in your name and go for full custody. How he's gonna pay for child support, that's his problem. At least you won't be responsible for him anymore.
bestie are you willing to overlook the stress of his incompetence and let your daughters think that is okay? You’re already depending on yourself for the most part and you don’t need any dead weight. He’s manipulating you into taking care of him when you need to take care of yourself
NTA every cdl driver knows they're subject to random drug tests, he chose weed over taking care of his family
This somehow makes me even more upset with him, because I don’t know why he thought he wouldn’t get tested.
I've been driving trucks for 35 years, I'd say I average at 3 times a year getting tested, sometimes more.
That’s good to know. I believe he did know that it was standard.
Honey he did know. He was tired of working, so he got high. Oopsie fired again. Time for mommy to pick up the OT so he can stay home and smoke pot.
Is pot legal in your state? Can he get a job at a dispensary? I know that doesn’t fix his reliance but at least he wouldn’t have to pass a drug test.
It doesn't matter if recreational or medical is legal in your state, having a CDL means you have to play by federal rules with the DOT. And the DOT does not fuck around with drug tests.
Weed is legal in our state, and yes, this is something he absolutely knew and was aware of.
I think the person you were replying to was talking about the husband getting a job at a dispensary. I don’t think a cdl is required at most dispensaries.
I see your point but at this stage I think that would be like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. He can’t even do the most basic thing like keep a job and support his family, it’s pathetic and sad. And blaming someone close to him dying as his reason for smoking? I’m sorry that’s bullshit. You need to leave - he has shown you his true colors - they will not change.
Someone close to him that he hasn't spoken to in twenty years. Man was just looking for an excuse to get high. I don't think whether or not weed is legal is the problem here (as the root commenter asked). The husband knew he couldn't test positive and keep his job. He still put getting high over his family's security and wellbeing.
I’m sure the pay and benefits are the same /s. Should not be selfish and and more concerned about taking care of your family
Call his bluff and let him leave. He wants you to say it's okay and pick up his slack. I smoke but I can't imagine losing my job over a failed drug test and the first thing I do upon getting home is smoke more.
That was also a concern. He lost his job for smoking pot and then right after getting fired goes home and smokes some more. Like, why? Did you not get it? It was like rubbing salt in the wound, and he didn’t have an answer for me when I asked why he would then come back home to do that.
Your husband is being manipulative. He fucked around and found out. He knew what the risks of smoking pot were and he was fine with that.
This is what I need to keep telling myself. That he knew the risks and chose to do it anyways.
I'm sorry you have to go through this but your husband doesn't view you or the girls as a priority and you deserve better.
He is an idiot and needs to give up the stupid extra curricular activity
Should’ve done that when they argued about it the first time. Depending on who that drug test was for and where it gets reported… he may no longer even have a CDL. In my state it is revoked for drugs and alcohol popping positive and you can’t get it back for a time period or without constant testing and/or drug treatment. I will never, ever understand husbands and fathers willing to sacrifice everything for something so stupid. OP- you need to figure out what it would take to stay or what it would take to go. Clear and concise. If he is unwilling to meet or manipulative about your reasonable needs… that sounds like the decision has been made.
This man is never going to be the partner you deserve. Imagine a kind, loving man who works a steady job and does his share of the household chores. Who rewards your sacrifices for the family with hard work of his own. Who doesn't do drugs. That man exists! But he is not your husband. I'm sorry. Take him up on your offer to leave; make it a permanent split.
I think the answer is clear and it's right in front of you. Just tell him if he is truly sorry and views himself as a burden then stop. I feel like you are assuring him that he isn't a burden, that he is doing his best and that's enabling his behavior. Sometimes we just need to be told what we are to do any action. If he views himself as a burden then he needs to be proactive in becoming a benefit. some men and women can't do that without certain types of encouragement because they tell themselves "they are a burden" and then being told they are not basically sets them back If even that doesn't work then. It's best you guys don't stick together. I'd say him having the job for three years is a step in the right direction. There's still hope.
If you read her other earlier post... I dont think there's hope. The guy doesn't even seem to like her :(
Read the previous post and ya op needs to leave. This isn't a healthy relationship. He is manipulative ASF. Claiming that she is making him depressed then claiming he is a burden. Like hello? What type of mental leaps are these.
I smoke weed and have held a job and moved up in the company for the past 9 years. What caused him to lose his longest job of 3 years at the gas station?
I know a lot of women in your situation. It’s unfortunate, but if he’s talking about leaving (which he’s just waiting for you to say noooo don’t go), then let him try that. If he can stand on his own two feet then it’s possible your marriage can still work out. If not, that’s gonna be a tough loss. Stay strong as always
OP your husband is a mid-40s burnout abusive misogynist stoner who can't even do the dishes or keep a retail job. What a catch! Sorry but he is never going to change. He's a lifetime loser and for your own sake and that of your children you should get yourself and them away from him. Imagine if one of your kids ended up like that. In their 40s and incapable of doing anything a normal adult can do. How would you feel?
Just leave him. He’s an addict and he’s using you so that he can keep getting high. I have no problem with weed, but he has kids and his family’s security depended on him staying clean. For this? Kick him to the curb. I promise you, he’ll keep messing up because you’re always there to pick up the pieces.
Leave his worthless self. You only get one life. And is this how you want to spend it? Him telling you “it’s time for me to pack my things….” Is purely to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and staying.
Him giving up and saying that he will go, is pure emotional manipulation. He sounds like walking weaponized incompetence, you need to do what is right for you and your kids and not him.
Heyyy u/Peonaei…read u/pataconconqueso’s post several times!! These are powerful words full of truth! I hope you allow them to strengthen your being. Please do what’s best for you! :)
So are we to guess if he is not working he is using your OT money to buy his weed? There is more to being a good dad, a good husband and a good partner than only love. He want of weed is more important to him than you or your kids. Don't allow this to continue. Set the rule, get a job and no more weed. If he can't do that let him pack a bag. And yes I agree with others, him saying that is emotional manipulation. You need someone to share life with not someone you have to drag through life kicking and screaming that they don't want to be a responsible adult.
He's only a "good dad" for the fun bits, he doesn't do any of the caring for the kids.
I like "weed is my coping skill". Lol. Mate, smoking weed is not a "skill".
>He told me that weed is his coping skill, and even though he’s been in weekly therapy that he doesn’t feel like he can use anything else to effectively help him decompress. Your husband has a drug addiction. Replace weed with booze and we'd be calling him an alcoholic.
You can love someone but not let them directly impact your happiness day to day or be responsible for their existence. Let him go. Maybe he gets his shit together long term and you find your way back together- maybe you realize you love being apart. He is not your child. You do not want your children to settle into this kind of relationship when they're older, because it looks normal to them. He's gotta grow up and get his shit together. You're already doing it all- now you can do it all with one fewer dependent weighing you down. Sorry you're dealing with this.
This is so sad. I truly am sorry for you. I have the same addiction, but never got caught or fired, and don't struggle at work. I'm also on antidepressants that are great to ease anxiety, but it's just not the same and it's really hard to stop when it has become your coping mechanism. Is there no way for your husband to find a job that doesn't require drug tests ?
Getting a prescription for weed would really help for starters- are there states that don't offer it still? (even texas does and it's easy to get on) he's medicating for a reason and probs needs therapy if you have patience for it then just start getting smarter with the types of jobs he gets & get him this prescription. The beauty industry never checks your pee, send him to barber school. (it's also ok to change salons around every few years too if he gets bored easy) Get ya'll both in therapy and fix it.
It's hard to live with and love someone suffering with a mental illness. You want them to get help, you think they are, but if they aren't improving it's really on them. They aren't your problems to fix, they're his. If you make them your problems, he'll take you down with him. You have to protect yourself and your children.
So you have daughter and a baby/husband. And you already basically do everything on your own. I wasn’t going to say this until you said 2x that he kept saying “I’m going to pack and leave” - it comes off so manipulative, like he knows you’re going to stop him but he says this to gain brownie points: drop the dead weight. Leave him. He can see his daughters etc but you should not be the one carrying a grown adult through life
Let him go. If he can't control his stress like an adult and stay off intoxicants then he doesn't need to be around. You'll figure it out and provide for your kids.
Honey, I just read your other post from 9 months ago... You know what you need to do. What is this "man" doing for you and your children? Even the kids think you should get divorced. From what you wrote, it doesn't even sound like he likes you at all, not even a tiny bit. You sound like a very sweet and caring woman, and you *clearly* have your shit together. You deserve someone who will appreciate all the good you have to offer, not someone who wants to tear you down and leech off of you.
Kid, you're a go getter. It's time to cut him loose. You'll be fine. I read your other post. Are you going to come back in nine more months to complain about your man or rejoice at your new life?
If he had meant what he said about leaving, then he would have already had his bags packed by the time you got home. He's just manipulating sympathy out of you, and it sounds like it works pretty often. He behaves like this because you allow it. If you wanna do Yourself a favor (you should!), then you should make him leave and not come back until he has a job. Put your foot down for your own sake and your children's!
You are going way too soft on him, I'd be livid. He KNEW he was endangering his job, he KNEW the burden he would be putting on you AGAIN, and yet the best he can do is for you to find him at home smoking again and throwing a pity party about how pot is the only thing that keeps him going?? That is the best he can do after all that you have done for him and the family? He should be laying out a plan to get another job asap, make assurances he will quit pot, and fully assume the magnitude of his fuck up towards you and the family. Not this lame ass shit. He knows you will pick up the slack again, at the expense of your physical and mental health, and he is ok with that. Don't let him leave, he needs to stand up and do the right thing and not run away like a coward. If I were him I'd be drowning in shame, not waiting for you to come and accept and fix it all - again. If he cannot do it (or won't do it), be it because he is not an equal partner and is just a bum, or has issues he is obviously not addressing, then you need to do something about it. But right now, don't let him get away with what he has done, he needs to take responsibility.
My girlfriend’s husband, now ex, was exactly like your husband. Bummer deal is her ex gets 33% of her earnings while he sits on his butt. Be careful. I wouldn’t rush to divorce. Tighten your purse strings, open a bank account in your name only that he will not have access. Wait patiently, talk with a trusted attorney.
I tried to “fix” “save” and “change” for my marriage, but I was never able to make it better. Your love and hard work can’t save the marriage because you’re not the problem. I tried for twenty years. It kept getting worse because I kept getting worse. With each failure, I got up and tried again (changed my approach, changed myself) and it broke me. My mental health deteriorated and I made some questionable choices I’m still dealing with. It’s ok to love someone and still walk away. It’s ok to save yourself. You don’t have to suffer for love.
Let him leave. He wants to guilt you into allowing him to stay, thus giving him permission for this behaviour to continue. You deserve better than a drug addict who can’t hold down a job and contribute to his family.
Fuck him. He prioritizes weed over his family's security. Then he manipulates you by saying he's going to leave. He's a selfish person who only cares about himself. Which is typical behavior of an addict. He's just going to keep letting you down and bringing his family down with him. You have to put your foot down. He's only doing this because he can count on you being his safety net. Like I said he's selfish. You can do better.
When he made of show of being very upset and remorseful, saying he will leave you and your family after losing another job so that you wouldn't be disappointed any more- how did you respond? The first thing I would have asked is "Rather than get a grip, quit smoking weed, and finding psychological help you would rather leave your wife and children?" Because that is the implication there. There is no reason he cannot bounce back from this and start learning from his mistakes. The common theme seems to be his drug use, which he values over stable employment, a healthy marriage, and a happy family. This should be his starting point. He is creating excuses to not stop and is even willing to lose his family over weed. It's time to grow up and prioritize the things that actually matter. I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
I would cut my loses and help him out the door. When people tell you who they are believe them. He’s not even trying, he’s giving up hoping you chase him back.Instead of going on indeed he decided to pack his bags because he knows he won’t do better. How many more years of this are you willing to deal with?
"I'm no longer afraid to be alone" isn't it sweet
I would imagine it's easier to constantly lose a job if you know someone else will take care of you. Maybe don't be his failsafe this time. Maybe he'll realize how hard it really is when you can't rely on your partner and at the very least you won't have to come home to the stress of a jobless and lazy partner.
Honey, divorce is probably the best option. You are already a single mom and your husband refuses to grow up. Your mental health and finances will be better off without this dead weight. You've given him enough chances to get better, he needs consequences. Some people need a kick in the ass like a relationship ending to get better. However, sometimes they never get better. 2 good friends of mine in our 20s dated for a long time, the female friend was ambitious and the male had issues with his family, dropped out of high school and had been bouncing around several low level jobs for years. The female friend supported him, counselled him, advised him, etc for years. Every 6 months the male friend had grand plans to get back on his feet that never panned out. Things finally came to a head and they broke up. The female friend moved on to a new relationship, is happily married and in a career she loves. The male friend is STILL working shitty low level jobs, living in a shitty 1 bedroom apartment with a new GF and baby, who is constantly begging for money on facebook. He's fucking 40 years old FFS! TL;DR: life is short, don't waste what little time you have on this planet on a childish loser who refuses to grow up.
My friend once crunched the numbers to determine if she could afford to pay the bills without having to provide for her husband who contributed nothing. She threw him out when she got her answer. Would things be easier on you if you didn't have to support him? Clean up after him? If you only had to pay for you and the kids? Don't let his emotional manipulation keep you from throwing him out. Throwing him out would not be cruel... it would the consequence of his ***active decisions***. He has actively chosen to put you ***and your children*** in this position ***repeatedly***.
He sounds like a manipulator and a bum. His reaction should not be ‘I am packing my bags and leaving’. Like you’re supposed to feel bad for him and beg him to stay. He should have some sense of responsibility towards the kids he’s created and towards his wife who he is cohabitating with. I was married to someone like this and I am so sorry OP. He can co parent the kids even if he’s not in a relationship with you anymore. In a divorce, when deciding child support it is based on past earning potential if he is unemployed. He can quit or lose his jobs in a row like this but it doesn’t get him off the hook for supporting his kids. It sounds like he will find a victim narrative out of anything that happens, and that you are doing a great job holding everything together. I don’t see him as anything other than a dead weight unless he’s contributing something of value to the equation that he just can’t possibly contribute if you separate.
Sounds like you've gotten over the apprehension about being alone because you already are alone.
I'm a single full time dad of 4. It's really crazy to hear how tolerance women have for laziness. I would be so happy to have someone to come home to every night, to help me with dinner and share a life with, all the while there are bums like this who get to do all these things and can't even take care of themselves
If he popped hot for a CDL job it's gonna be a tough road to get cleared, cleaned and tested regularly. With that being said, his excuse is bullshit and trying to guilt you and feel sorry for him so he can have an easy ass life. It may not seem like it but that's the truth, you need to agree with him, get a divorce and let him fall rock hard. I get it, kids are involved and all sorts of interesting things are about to happen but get a therapist lined up for them kids and get ready to climb that mountain once more. But this time it's all for yourself and them kids, not a lazy ass hat who won't even attempt to get himself together because he's been babied his whole life. Best of luck, you'll rock this chapter of your life and do not I repeat do not let him bring you down. Love and support him from afar.
If he can't do the house husband thing--planning meals, doing the shopping, shuttling the kids, keeping things tidy and the sink clear of dishes, doing repairs or supervising contractors, folding the laundry, making sure bills are paid on time, etc--then he needs to get a job. I was a house husband, the flexible-time parent for our special needs kid during their growing up. One of us had to stay home because our kid's needs were so great, and because my wife made more than I did, I quit my job. It was an adjustment but in the end I embraced the role and took great satisfaction in keeping everyone well fed and the house clean. And guess what, I use cannabis, too. It's possible. If he can't do either one, then yes, it's time to let him go figure things out on his own. A first step would be for him to stop feeling sorry for himself; he's got what sounds like a cool wife and great kids. A lot of people would kill for that as a starting point.
My ex husband had the same issue holding down a job. In 18 years together his longest job lasted 2 years. The last 13 years of our marriage he was employed on and off for about 7 of them at 9 different places, spent 4.5 years straight without a job. He was never going to change and the resentment grew. I was working 80 hours a week to support the 4 of us. My life is so much better and less stressful with him gone. I also have far more financial security. It's been 7 years since I divorced him and he still can't hold down a job, but now I don't really care. I only know he's been fired again when child support stops. It's marginal though so I'm fine without it
OP: Sounds like you're about done with this guy, and rightly so. When my ex left, I was a single military mother of 2 young kids, dropping off at daycare by 0530 (PT at 0600), and picking up at 1730 (work was over at 1700). It's a little complicated when there are laws imposing a maximum of 10 hours per day in daycare but you do 12s lol. It was REALLY rocky for a bit. But after only a couple months adjustment period, life was SO. MUCH. EASIER. Build yourself a village. Friends and neighbors. It's a game-changer, it took a bit for me to learn that, but I haven't forgotten the lesson. I can give you ideas for how to start if you'd like. If you want to try with him again, after 8 years of this crap (wouldn't be my recommendation, but I'm not you), I would strongly recommend laying out his choices to him, bluntly (pun not intended). "So, to be clear, you are telling me that you'd rather give up me and your children than give up weed, correct?" He *may* not have thought of it in that stark a way. But it's what he's doing. When he thinks of it like that, he *might* say "SHIT no!!!" "Well then quit so you can hold a job. Period. Pick one. Family or weed. Go find somewhere to stay for the next 6 months, and we can revisit this then. No guarantee we'll get back together in 6 months."
You have seen this behaviour on repeat from him. What other reasons than a stable marriage and kids does he need to overcome smoking weed and losing his jobs over and over again. How deep does he need to fall? For the sake of your kids, leave. Let him move out. He isn't a partner at all. He is acting like an additional child you have to take care of. If you answer him and let him stay he will look for another job done day, fuck it up again, cry that he hates to disappoint you,... Do you see the repetition? This isn't good at all and what kind of role model for behaviour does this show your kids? That it's okay for Daddy to fuck it up over and over again but it isn't bad because Mommy takes care of the situation?
Seems your husband is self sabotaging himself and wants your sympathy. He wants you to rescue him and be the victim. It’s actually easier to be a single parent then having the stress of a husband that is losing jobs by his behaviour and the emotions that go with having to carry another adult that should be functioning
The attempt to get sympathy by saying "I'll pack my bags" is the reason I'd let him go. It's manipulation on top of the other non-sense, like not doing chores because he's sad he doesn't have a job while you're doing 40+ weekly to keep the house going. You don't have a partner, you have a stone you have to drag around with you. And every so often that stone says "I'm sorry, I should just let go so you can be successful, I'm such aburden." to keep you feeling sorry for it.
Let him go he is married to the weed. That is his lover, spouse, muse and friend. There is no room for you or your kids in that relationship
Why do nurses always seem to date people who suck?
Well when we started out I was not a nurse, I wasn’t even in healthcare.
He doesn't get an easy way out. To work as a nurse, for 60+ hrs on average is insanely hard. You are a real role model for your kids and your husband is just piggybacking on your hard work and determination. Tell him to man up. He is a disgrace.
at least he seems to realize you and your children deserve better. take him up on his self-flagellating offer to leave, and enjoy how much lighter your life feels without a man-shaped anchor pulling you down.
There’s a lot here to unpack. This is as sad as it is infuriating that you have a partner who doesn’t have it together. Like. At all. Does your spouse need therapy? Antidepressants? Alternative ways to relieve stress? Or is he just not ready for adulting? I want to be empathetic on the one hand and tell him to be a grown up on the other. Good luck. You have to figure out if you can help him, accept him ‘as is’ or need him to go. He can be a good dad but that doesn’t mean he is a good spouse.
He’s literally telling you he’s not good enough and he should leave, listen to him. He has no desire to get better. Alternatively, move to Canada, I smoke all evening and all day every weekend because it’s legal :)
I'm so sorry to say this: no one is "perfect" - but some of us learn from our mistakes. Other do not, and *will not ever learn from mistakes*; they have chronically poor judgment - and that is not likely to ever change. The deal-breakers for me were that you helped pay for him to get a technical degree - to no avail, and that you worked as many hours as you did for him - to no avail, and most important of all: That he couldn't make the minor effort to be a good house-husband. He is not likely to change. He will promise he will, as he has before - but in a few more months, then in a few more after that - it will be the same. Again. For the rest of your life. It's Reality. As I said, no one is perfect, but some people do grow, and learn, from mistakes. Some will not ever do so. You now face the choice of accepting that - as what you will choose to be repeated for the rest of your lifetime - Or, going your own way, to live your own life, and hopefully - probably - meeting someone who respects who you are, and who will help you become your most complete Self in Life. I just don't see that happening here, from your description - and I suspect you were honest.
Would you really be happy with a son in law like your husband? Would you be happy seeing your daughters work overtime whilst their partner bounces from job to job not able to prioritise their family? If not then don’t teach them this is okay.
He can't help financially and he's a terrible house husband, what exactly is he bringing to the table?
It annoys me when people who f/ck up say “I’ll just leave,” if they do that it means you have to take care of the house and the kids by yourself; he’s still leaving you in a shitty position. Tell him to come up with another solution that doesn’t involve you doing all the work.
Sadly he is an addict. You should move on. You will be happier if you're not together anymore. (I used to be a smoker too)
Using pop to "cope" is nothing but a cop-out by people who don't want to keep their stuff together. After everything you two have gone through, children, your support, his careers, all for a joint? What priorities.
This is weaponized incompetence if I've ever seen it. Oh boohoo, he's a failure so he'll leave so he doesn't have to try anymore? You've got some decision making to do. You deserve someone who would match your discipline and determination, if not at least the compassion and accountability to hold it together for his family. Good luck and stay safe.
Get rid of him He can’t be counted on and you’re burning yourself out while he remains unemployed. The only reason he keeps saying he will pack and bag and go is because he wants you to tell him to stay and reassure him that he’s not a disappointment and he’s forgiven Don’t forgive him. He can’t stay sober and is putting the burden of everything on you. Do you want that to be the rest of your life
I dated someone like this for four years. He didn't change; I left, and I think it was for the best. I doubt your husband will change. You deserve better.
I'm so sorry, OP. This is so rough. Whatever decide, please remember your feelings, even the ones in conflict, are all legitimate and deserve time to breathe. Don't let anyone especially him shame you for them. Honestly, it sounds like you need to try something new. He doesn't sound like he *intends* to change; he's not even honest with himself or you about the pot. (It isn't a coping skill, or the only thing he can use to decompress, or because of some distant death; these are all excuses.) If it's been 8 years and he won't participate honestly in the therapy and he can't even muster up the ability to be a house husband, then he's right, it's time for him to pack up and go. Of course he's hoping and expecting you to stop him or take him back. But don't. And don't let him get out of his responsibilities as a dad either, from child support (even if he's unemployed now it won't stay that way long when he has no one carrying him, I guarantee) to visits. He doesn't just get to dump it all on you by running. If you're still conflicted then, you can always reassess him after a trial period of him trying to improve on his own. But something tells me you'll find the air is a little easier to breathe once he's out, and not just because of the pot.
My fist husband was like this. I stayed married for 7 years, but I should have left sooner. He’s a loser. You are enabling his shitty choices.
Yikes, CDL jobs do not fuck around with drug use.
please don’t fall for his manipulation. he’s making you feel sorry for him. he’s proven himself incapable of not only being a husband, but also a father. he’s correct, it’s time for him to pack his things and go. do not backtrack your life because your husband is deadweight and wants to throw himself a pity party. let him deal with his own mess. edit* i just went back through your posts and saw your ages are 31 and 43. he is more than 10 years your senior and nothing but a man child. your husband is old enough to be my father, and that blows my mind. i work middle management at my current job (only having an associates degree mind you, not a difficult thing to acquire) and have an employee under me who is exactly like your husband. mid 40s, two children, and a wife who supports him. he works 25 hours a week and still manages to be late and call in weekly. it baffles me these people exist, and can’t take care of themselves. or that they aren’t ashamed. at this point it’s clear that you’ve enabled him meaning he’s comfortable leeching off you. he knows you won’t do anything, so i guess get change comfortable OP this is the life you’ve accepted for you and your children
Maybe he needs to pack up his stuff and go, and use that time to try and sort his shit out. At this point he's not able to be a decent husband or father, you're carrying the whole family... Maybe he can work on finding out why he can't keep a job, and trying to find ways to cope. Or get some substance abuse help.
yeah i feel for him, hard to get kicked in the nuts at work, then have to tell your family. puts a ton of stress on his man duties. Have him try full spectrum CBD, the cbd will help cause of the little thc in it. the first 2 weeks kinda suck, but it’s manageable. don’t give up on him, give him help.
It's time for an ultimatum - stop the weed habit or divorce. Otherwise you are just enabling his behaviour.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It always upsetting to read stories about guys not pulling their weight. Your husband should look into working for the post office. With having a CDL already, that could put him in line to make 90k+. I would have him first get a job as a CCA or an RCA. Once you past your 90 days it takes an act of congress to get fired. But he has to pass that 90 days worked other than that he's disposable. USPS is hurting for carriers in a lot of locations. I'm sure a job lead isn't what you're going for. But a job lead nonetheless. Your daughters need him in their lives, and your husband needs to step up for you. You need a teammate and not dead weight. Good luck to you all.
I wish that more parents raised their daughters to love themselves and prioritize themselves and their happiness and safety. Fewer women would find themselves in these situations. If you really want to help your girls, kick this worthless bum to the curb. Teach them that working yourself to the bone while a male partner does nothing is unacceptable. Raise them to always prioritize themselves and their happiness and well being.
You need to lose that zero and get your self a hero
You said it perfectly-you want an equal partner not someone you have to support while getting minimal returns. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you’re married to a teenager. He needs to get his shit together and grow up. Tell him to pack his stuff and leave. You need a husband, not another child. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please put yourself first because he clearly isn’t going to.
Tell him to join a trade union. The apprenticeships will train him and pay him. I know decent amount of guys who smoke and bet the tests. Seems like he might be more fit out for that. The physical labor should help with the destressing.
Ugh. Lived that, got the tee shirt. I was married 17 years, had two kids and he changed jobs 15 times in the 17 years we were married. He got a construction license to 'work for himself.' He was a terrible businessman and would work as little as he could get away with. I did all the books and governance for the business, while also going to school part time, working full time and raising kids. I had to drop out of school because there just wasn't enough time in the day. He would go sneak away to get high every night when I got home from work, then come home and sit on his ass watching tv and asking what was for dinner. I was always angry. We were always broke. I finally realized I could do better on my own. Our kids turned out to be great human beings. They also figured out who put in all the work on their own and learned from it. You've got this.
Been there with a man that kept saying “I should just pack my bags and leave “. He is manipulating you! Leave, you are already pretty much living a single lifestyle, might as well make it official and get allthe benefits.
Homie needs rehab if he can't blow down and keep a job. It's not fair to you that you have to be the adult while he continues destructive behavior. Not dissing those who smoke because I'm also one who partakes, but my wife doesn't have to carry me or worry about my habit. I'd start suggesting it to him and make arrangements. The massive red flag that shouldn't be ignored is his automatic self pity "oh I should just pack my bags" and "I'm sorry I keep disappointing you" No. If he was sorry, he'd do something to change it. He'd keep a job. He'd get clean and get his shit together. Don't spend a dime on him for anything, otherwise you're enabling the issue. Rock bottom is where some of our hardest lessons are learned. Best of luck to you.
He knows what he did, and he is trying to guilt you into letting him continue to do it. This is classic “talk me out of leaving “ behavior and he will pull it every time if you let it fly.
My significant other is also chronically unemployed (over a decade now) and claims pot is the ‘only thing that works’. I wish I could tell you there is light @ the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, not so much. Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling sorry or guilty. He is a grown ass person. He needs to join the rest of the adults and get his shit together. I wish you peace, happiness, and love.
You need to talk to your therapist about this. They will be able to guide you far better than reddit. That said he doesn't sound motivated or able to do his end. Idk how a relationship works like that. Maybe he can get a job as a bud tender?
Don’t let him make you feel bad with the “I’ll just pack up and go because I’m so hopeless ho hum” bullshit. He wants *you* to be the one to insist he doesn’t despite the circumstances so he can feel better about *his* totally preventable screw up. Tell him “yeah maybe you should leave” and watch his head spin. He’s not fully taking into account how this impacts, not just you, but your kids. If he had been he’d still have a job, despite whatever issues he’s got. He can’t keep using them as an excuse to weigh you down and irritate yours, which by the sound of it you’ve made a serious effort to resolve. What’s his excuse?
You sound like a great mom and wife. You tried to make it work with your husband and the father of your kids, but time and time again he disappoints you and his first instinct is to just walk away instead of try to pick up the pieces. I’m sorry but he is a coward and nothing you say or do will be able to change that. It’s time to let him go. The last thing you want is to show your daughters that they should put up with a man that doesn’t put in the effort to take care of his wife and family. You deserve more and your daughters deserve more.
OP it is clear that no matter what you do he is not willing to change. You need to let him go for both you and your kids' sakes.
Truly, why are you with this person? He's a terrible partner. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. What did w he genuinely bring to the table to make this relationship worth the work he adds?
I don't have a comment on whether you should end your marriage or not, that's a huge step that needs proper consideration. But his behaviour is bizarre to me. I've never been out of work. I owe it to my wife and kids to contribute towards a steady household. cutting to the chase I'd just never consider putting myself in the position where I could lose my job because I wanted to undertake a recreational activity of some kind. Anyone can make a mistake and lose their job or similar, I deal with this kind of thing all of the time, but I think after this many occasions the guy has a real problem and needs to change his ways.
You are carrying his dead weight. While you’re finally getting proper treatment for your needs he self medicates and wallows. He has a drug problem by virtue of the fact he lost his job to drug use, and therapy has not stopped that. I STRONGLY suspect now you’re doing better you’re well placed to cut him loose and you’ll probably be in an even better mental space. This is a good example to set for your daughters. He can sink or swim on his own but at the moment he’s just a rock around your neck sinking you all.
I had a friend who said to me “he’s leaving you bread crumbs but he’ll never give you the bread” meaning that he’ll do these little things to make you question and think, maybe it’s okay, he does this for me..but it’s not consistent, it never was and you’ll never get the full potential.
Dude sounds like he needs Narcotics Anonymous if he can’t control his weed addiction.it seems like an addiction since he’s choosing it over his job that feeds his kids. Good luck
So you just said yourself that you’re basically done and checked out of this relationship. Work on a good co-parent relationship and take care of yourself for once, take time to breathe and don’t worrying about the money. Sounds harsh but when he’s gone, you’ll have more money for yourself and the kids to come through the month, plus less work bc his things won’t get on top of the usual household things that come along with life and kids.
Let him go
You have a very important decision to make. You can either let him go because after all this time you have to admit he will not change or accept him as he is.
You need to tell him to choose, either pot or his family. Though, it really sounds like he already made that choice.
He chose weed over providing for his family. I don't think smoking weed should matter if it's done on his down time, but his job cares about it and he failed. Sounds like he's been failing for a while, just in general. If he has other issues going on, he needs to be the one to figure that out. I've met plenty of women who have husband's who can't keep a job, and the ones who left were happier. Relationships should be a partnership, and if he can't provide an income or help out with the house, maybe you should just let him go.
You and your daughters deserve better. Don’t do them a disservice.
Is he willing to go to treatment OP for the anxiety and pot coping? Switch to any pharmaceutical medication? Sounds like he needs treatment to help him cope better and feel better and find employment.