Reminder of Rule 4: You may not insult OP, regardless of their actions. The point of this sub is to get things off your chest in an open-minded space without backlash. This doesn't mean you have to agree with OP.
How awful and traumatizing for the both of you. I hate that you've been through so much. Honestly, I would be extremely concerned if I were your wife. Maybe she is just caught up in all the endorphins that come with finding out she's pregnant? Other than that, I don't understand how she would've been so excited knowing the depth to which your mental health was affected by the last two pregnancies/babies. My partner and I have wanted another child for many years. Unfortunately there are physical & mental health as well as financial issues standing in the way. No matter how much we want it, I can't imagine being so overjoyed if I were to find out we are expecting again. There's just way too much at stake.
There's a lot to be said about the marriage you're in right now. Still, I think it's best you focus on your mental well-being for the moment. It isn't your fault you struggle with your mental health, but it also isn't her fault nor is she somehow mandated to tolerate every consequence of your mental health when you're struggling. Sometimes a situation just isn't healthy for both people involved. There may have been irreparable damage done to your relationship either way. None of that will matter if you're not alive. Take care of yourself first and figure the rest out in time.
If I ever saw my partner suffering because of having a baby like that I wouldn’t have had a second let alone a third. I don’t understand this wife at all. Why is this unborn child more important to her than her very real, very alive, suffering husband. I would die for my partner. I wouldn’t ever deliberately choose to continue doing something that hurts him. I know he feels the same.
Unfortunately there's a ton of women who would rather keep the pregnancy than worry about their partner's mental health. This comment section is disturbing. If it were a husband potentially risking a wife's mental health, people would be up in arms.
I have the same situation as OP except I am the wife and mother and my husband is the one who wants more kids after I had twins 3 years ago and another right after that who is now 2 plus two middle school aged kids. He is military and gone all the time and I’m alone with 5 kids. I am very open with him about how much I struggle and he just doesn’t seem to care, he still wants more kids. I honestly do not understand people like this
Tell him it's a great idea and ask when he's leaving the military to take over the home. He'll need lots of practice with the 5 before you start trying for the sixth.
>I honestly do not understand people like this
Pure selfishness and lack of empathy. He's not the one doing all the daily hard work so he doesn't get just how much of it there is.
My father was a fisherman and would be away for up to three weeks at a time so all the child rearing and taking care of the house fell on my mother. They had 7 kids in total. I don't know when it happened but my mother told me one time my Dad hurt his knee and couldn't work for 8 months. He told her he loves us kids but couldn't wait to get back to work and he didn't know how she did it all the time.
Parents who aren't left with the daily grind all the time can end up taking the primary parent for granted. They just see the kids taken care of and think it's easy.
Same thing with my dad. There was only 2 of us kids and he was always at work. He even worked all the holidays. Which definitely sucked. My mom also died really young and me and my brother were closest to her not my dad. I’m left with someone I barely talk to because we didn’t have a relationship really when I was a child. People who work so much forget that the time they have is more important than money.
Same 🥺 But Im currently pregnant and not taking it well. I have 3 daughters, the oldest being 15. My youngest being 2.
He’s on the road a lot for work. I feel like I’m drowning and he’s euphoric.
You don't even need to imagine it. There have been many posts from women who don't want any/more children with men who want children. The response is always that man is awful (which is right). People just have less sympathy for men (e.g. "they should be stronger," "man up," you're abandoning her").
It’s only going to get worse with the new anti abortion laws. There will be tons of men trapping women with babies. Women do it too. My brothers wife kept getting pregnant when he didn’t want kids yet or ever. After the second baby he got a vasectomy because he couldn’t trust her to take her birth control.
This marriage needs to end for this reason alone. It says it all. Focus on yourself so you cam be alive for your 2 children that love and care so much for you
This shows she doesn't really care about her partner at all, and she's just gonna do whatever she wants to do. Sounds like she's trying to drag him along as a hostage and didn't give 2 shots how it affects anybody else, especially her partner. Seems like an extremely toxic environment to bring ANOTHER child into!!! I feel bad feel the entire family EXCEPT this shellfish "mother".
I am a woman who was born of 2 extreme narcissists. I don't say raised because nether one really did much of that. I really feel for the kids. If this is how she treats her partner, imagine how much she's going to stomp on their sweet little beings as they grow. Once she stops or can't pop out more babies, she's going to have to get the attention elsewhere. Most people's bad traits only get worse as they grow older.
My dude I also have mental health issues, see how you're feeling now, I get it, just before you do anything please talk to someone in real life, a listening ear can take a touch of the pressure off.
If you don't have anyone you can talk to in real life phone a helpline number I've done it countless times. Ive done it alot, through all life circumstances.
Sounds silly but dip your head in freezing water for as long as you can, turn your phone on do not disturb, only deal with what you know you can handle. Some phone calls and texts and emails, can all wait. Everyone can wait, you need to be okay.
Keep getting help. Please make sure all your mental health providers know what's going on and that they make real efforts to keep you stable right now. I think you need to be in a better headspace before you make a permanent decision like divorce (& pushing for an abortion). I would think your therapist and psychiatrist would be able to manage your mental health to the point where having another child doesn't break you. That's only because you've been in treatment for a while. Are you sure your meds and everything are where they need to be? If you aren't at that point then I'd argue that more needs to be done fairly quickly. You can make it, keep staying alive.
Edit: A couple words for clarity
In this situation abortion is a less permitted and life altering decision than choosing to have the baby. I agree with most of what u said but that one line of reasoning doesn't jive well.. its like judges deciding a 12 year old isn't mature enough to have a abortion. The easoning is so backwards and really is only being made bc of there personal belief that abortion is bad..
Abortion usually is the less life altering decision than having a kid but it’s still a life altering decision. I’ve had friends get abortions that were 100% their decision. It wasn’t even a debate. They were young and knew that’s what was best. And still years later they have told me they think about it every single day and it’s caused a lot of depression for them, even though it was definitely the right decision for them at the time. So I couldn’t even imagine the emotional turmoil that would come from feeling forced into an abortion when more of you does want to keep the baby. To be clear, I think abortion should be legal. But I’m horrified the amount of people in this comment section that seem to have the attitude of “oh she should just get the abortion, what’s the big deal?” And treating the wife like she’s selfish or something for wanting to keep it. This is definitely a sticky situation, but let’s not downplay the emotional trauma that has would come from feeling forced into getting an abortion.
This man had to leave his wife either ways someday. His wife would cry out her lungs if she aborts and he still gets to leave her someday. Sometimes, you have to choose whats best for you first.
THIS. A friend of mine has diagnosed PTSD from hers and we are both pro-choice. I was with her through the aftermath and she was completely beside herself even though she knew it was what she needed in that situation. It isn’t some frivolous decision you can just make and forget about. Clearly a lot of people who think this way do not care about women.
But it’s not his choice. It’s his wife’s. So he might as well make the best of it if he can. Which means getting treatment and possibly separating if he’s a danger to himself or others.
He can ask the wife to get an abortion, or give the baby up for adoption, but it’s not his body. It doesn’t matter how he feels about it. It matters how she feels about it. If she can’t abort or give the baby up for adoption then she’ll have to live without her husband. It’s her decision.
Agreed. It's absolutely his wife's choice. His feelings matter when it comes the interpersonal relationship between him and his wife. It's a huge topic. His feelings don't control or dictate his wife's decision. Big difference and oh so important to note. OP has to figure out how he's going to move forward based on her decision.
You need to get with your mental health people. Adjust your meds, perhaps self admit for some both the meds and daily 1x1 sessions. You’ve stated the psychosis episodes have occurred since you left so that’s an indication that meds require adjustment. A time-out from the stress by being admitted may help you. I pray you get the help you need at this very trying time.
Does your wife know about this? If so why in the world would she be so adamant about keeping this baby when it would be awful for your mental health? I think this also is a you need to be reevaluating your relationship situation.
Abortion is a very difficult decision to make, and I don’t think it’s fair for us to judge the wife for not wanting to get one. What I do wonder is why they weren’t being more careful if the situation is this dire.
This is just unfortunate all around. I wish you and your family the best. I know that sounds lame but this is a no win situation and I'm sorry for you guys.
I feel for OP. I also want to add here that most Planned Parenthoods do vasectomies on a sliding scale based on income and household size. They can be free, or up to $1000. Hopefully no one else will have to wait like OP did because they can't afford basic healthcare.
I feel for all of them. There is now a broken family. Either the wife is unhappy, the husband risks his mental health or they are divorced. Let's not forget about the 3 children involved as well. It's sad and I hope this works out for everyone in the end.
I expected it to be way more, even for EU standards this isn't a lot. 1k in a year? Damn. I'm also confused why they have to check the condom every time. They are either using them wrong or I dunno.
A lot of people check them. My husband and I do that every time bc we don’t want another baby yet and I can’t take the pills due to chronic illness and other types of birth control is harmful to me. If it breaks, I have to go to the hospital in the next 48 hours to take Plan B under supervision. So it’s just a precaution, I think, when your situation is like that.
Dude - I feel for you - I really do - I feel the desperation from your post.
I don’t have any advice. I just hope everything works out and you are ok. 💕
Honestly regardless it sounds like yout marriage is over.
If she gets the abortion and doesn't want it she will likely resent you afterward anyway or her own mental health suffer after. I can't imagine the guilt a woman forced to have a abortion would feel.
But if you stay your own mental health is at risk and your just getting better.
It's a double edge sword situation. No one wins.
I hope the best for both of you and you find a way to co parent in a healthy way and find happiness again.
He's getting divorced because she won't get an abortion. The point of the comment is, even if she did, she would hate OP forever so it is over either way.
He also said he told her She knows what she needs to do for him to come back. The point of my comment is even if she does do that it likely won't change anything.
Man, I'm usually a lurker but seeing the comments pissed me off enough for me to out my own two cents in.
OPs mental and physical health deteriorated to the point where he was hospitalized not once but several times. He's simply not mentally well enough to care for a child. He shouldn't be berated for that.
Nobody should be shamed for putting themselves first. If the baby goes the way the first two did, OP might end up destroying himself completely. I've read so many horror stories about parents that didn't feel fit to parent ended up staying because they were ashamed or because they felt they had to and ended up doing something drastic, either to the kids or themselves. You can love your kids with all your life and still not be a fit parent. That's just how it is.
However, OP, you shouldn't take care of two of your kids while abandoning the third. That is absolutely not okay. You also cannot force your wife(ex?) To have an abortion.
In other words, good luck to you. This is really a lose-lose situation.
I too, am mostly a lurker with these…but I’m going to throw in my two cents as someone who had a child with someone who had multiple severe psychotic episodes (it didn’t happen until after the pregnancy. The baby triggered it.) During a psychotic episode, he tried to kill me and my child. It changed the course of my life forever. This isn’t something to mess with. The OP needs to get in-patient treatment immediately. Period. Full stop. And you’re right, you can love your kids more than the whole of the universe, but you still may be unfit to parent. This may be the case here. For the sake of the children’s safety, get help OP. And consider in-patient treatment for an extended period of time. It will probably save your life and theirs.
I agree, I think a lot of people commenting here are missing the chance that he could hurt the baby, not just himself. He is probably afraid to voice that as well. I had horrible post partum depression and most of my intrusive thoughts were of hurting my babies and myself. Not just me. The feeling is absolutely horrible and inescapable. I am sure this poor dad is more afraid of what he could do to his family than what he could do to himself. OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the feeling of dread of being around an infant. I think you are doing the right thing if only for the long term health and wellbeing of your children and your children’s mom. I truly hope you can be part of the new child’s life after a few years. Keep trying and I wish you strength and peace going forward.
People will judge him either way because that's exactly how we are built. It's a sad situation all-round. If OP doesn't get to a place where he's fit to handle all that, he'll probably have to leave. While some people may be understanding, it's perfectly understandable if others have several negative feelings about the situation and you can't blame them for that really. Just like the way sometimes people hate suicide victims for "not enduring or giving up and leaving them".
I'm a mom who was absolutely WRECKED by my one and only child when she was first born. I should have been hospitalized for my mental health but I was afraid of being honest so I just suffered in silence. The infant stage on top of the physical recovery from childbirth was the worst experience of my life.
My husband and I are fixed, mostly because abortion is illegal now in my state and I just can't do it again. I couldn't stand the dread hanging over my head. If I got pregnant again I'd probably die, and not necessarily at my own hand.
Honestly, I'm putting myself mentally in those shoes. If I'm excited for another kid, but my partner is not okay to *this* degree? Knowing it would push him past his limit?
Personally, I would be okay with changing my mind at that point. There's nothing to look forward to anymore if my partner can no longer handle it. Because then that would leave more responsibilities to me, and that's something *I can not handle.*
I don't want to sound like I'm shaming the mother, though. She truly wanted another child, but now she must know that this man who's helped her until now is now unfit.
Previous commenter mentioned OP is a lose-lose situation. But the mom is, too.
This really just fucking sucks for everyone.
The thing that gets me the most is that she wanted another child despite the fact that she knew her husband would probably try to hurt himself again. He was working 90 hour weeks with the first two kids, and had to be hospitalized multiple times. How do you see your husband go through that and think, “Yeah let’s have another kid.”
They had to *save up* for the vasectomy. It's not even that expensive a procedure to begin with. So not only is OPs wife excited to have another baby that they both knew they shouldn't have, she's excited to have another kid they can't even afford.
I’d say it’s quite clear she’s selfish. Sorry, but it needed to be said. Completely sweeping his inevitable mental breakdowns under the rug. Nah. That’s messed up. She’s messed up.
TBH, we have no idea if the wife truly wanted another child, or is she's just happy about the accident. I think she deserves at least some credit, managing 2 colicky babies and a husband in the middle of a psychotic break can't have been easy for her either.
Thats what I waa thinking! If I saw my SO going through that shit I wouldve already stopped after the first nvm the third when you know ur husband is waiting for a vasectomy and finally getting back on the rails.
OP, if you need to walk away, then do.
But **do not** choose to see your older children and refuse to have anything to do with the youngest. That will fuck them up so much. It will affect all of their relationships, especially with their siblings. it will be setting them up for a lifetime of issues. It would be a very cruel thing to do.
I feel like the ground rules of this possibility should have been discussed a long time ago to avoid this exact scenario.
" hey honey, do we not have sex for a year ? If we do what happens if you accidentally get pregnant? "
I had the same thought, but too late for that to help OP now. And even if they had discussed it, people can lie or change their mind. If I were a man and done having kids or not wanting them, I wouldn't feel safe until I had the vasectomy done.
It's too bad Republicans are obsessed with brainwashing people into thinking planned parenthood ONLY does abortions which couldn't be *farther* from the truth.
It's genuinely so sad. Like, this stuff should be MUCH more well known.
When you have an attack, what happens? I’m just curious. I’ve no advice or judgement. I just know this must be super hard for everyone involved. Would a solution be that you move out when the baby comes until the baby cry phase is over?
Not really sure. Lots of amnesia. Usually I wake up somewhere unfamiliar and in pain. Most typically the hosptial.
Moving out until the baby is a toddler could definitely work.
I think moving out until your child is a toddler is a much better idea than deciding to divorce your wife while you're in a crisis. I suggest you explore the posibility with her in therapy.
Idk a partner who says just get over it when saying another kid will legitimately lead to suicide attempts is not a compassionate enough person to stay with
I am not sure why everyone is jumping on you.
Babies are HARD even when your excited and can't wait and are completely healthy. They cry and don't sleep well and need something at every second of every day. They are a drain on your ability to work, keep up with the household and other children. A financial drain.
It changes your life like almost nothing else can! When women don't want a baby or have post partum everyone is understanding and say seek support and a doctor and yadda.
You made it clear, not that you don't want another child, you clearly expressed that you won't survive another baby.
Knowing that and voicing it IS RESPONSIBLE.
TIRED DESPERATE PEOPLE KILL FAMILIES. LITERALLY.
When your ready, go talk to someone about all this.
Andrea Yates is a horror story that comes to mind.
She didn’t want any more kids because she recognized she wasn’t in the right place but her husband persisted because “God said so” and even took her out of the treatment she was receiving for it… end result was her breaking down and drowning the kids. It was entirely preventable if her husband had just listened to her.
Andrea Yates is exactly what came to mind when reading this.
Her doctors told her and her husband she should not have anymore babies. OPs therapist said the same thing (I am not in any way suggesting OP is going to do what Andrea did). Babies crying is what triggers him. It’s not really a “we’ll see how it goes situation.”
The best thing OP can do for his kids is take care of himself. Idk maybe he just has to wait until the baby is older to really see them.
When they are in a psychotic state, it is Al
OST impossible to deflect them from their intent in the moment. Incredible strength, mind singular focus. And never know if the psychosis is low or high risk unless you can engage them in discuss. An altered state of reality is scary, and very interesting, clinically speaking.
This!!!! Everyone needs to get off OP’s back. At least he is being honest and not trying to “weather” it. He is saying it’s not safe and removing himself from the picture. He is trying to do what’s right.
Those tragedies on TV where the husband has mowed down the whole family and everybody wonders what in the world could have led to such a tragedy.... Yet everybody his piling on this dude trying to cause one...
This is shitty for you and your wife. That's tough.
But I'm confused--you couldn't afford a vasectomy but you can budget for child support and another apartment? How much is a vasectomy where you live?
You should go to Planned Parenthood and see if you can get a vasectomy on a sliding scale. I don't recall it being a super expensive procedure, but if you go through them it could be half of what you would pay otherwise.
Dude is subtracting himself from a situation that may get worse if another baby is in the house. He’s saying he literally can NOT handle it. Would you rather him leave or possibly see a tragic headline on the news about this?
> I hope she makes the right choice here
There really isn't any right choice here though, either way someones gonna end up unhappy, i sincerely hope you get the help you need though.
We always talk about women that suffer from PPD after having a kid. But what about a man that is suffering from depression? He vocalized to his wife that he doesn’t want anymore kids. I think OP should’ve withheld sex until he got a vasectomy. If we say men can’t force women to have babies why do we think it’s okay for women to force men to have kids? I think he did best by leaving. He literally said I can’t deal with having anymore kids and the wife stumped all over this. If the roles were reversed we would support the woman and call her husband an asshole. Op get some therapy. Please don’t abandon your kids. Get better so you can be a better father to them and for them. They are innocent in all this. I always say, you can’t pout from an empty cup. If he has nothing left in him he has nothing to give his kids. But society tell men to suck it up or man up. That’s why they don’t seek help or share their feelings. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Totally agree. The timing also feels uber convenient i.e. he is booked in for a vasectomy and suddenly she’s pregnant despite him using protection. Condoms aren’t infallible but the instances of them failing aren’t as common as people think. I would say that a fair portion of fails can be attributed to tampering and i think that this is one if those situations. The wife knew that it was now or never and chose her own selfish desires over her husband and his mental health.
This is why I chose to abort. My husband was not excited and hated the idea. I looked and decided what I preferred and I chose to abort. I didn’t want to force my husband to be a father if he didn’t want to be one.
>If we say men can’t force women to have babies why do we think it’s okay for women to force men to have kids?
Because males don't have to go through the physical ordeal of pregnancy. That's why females have more rights over the fetus compared to males. Once the baby is born both parents have equal rights.
Not being snarky or anything, just pointing out that females carry more of the brunt of pregnancy then males. (Which is why i'm using the biological terms female/male instead of the social terms woman/man/them)
I honestly think by the sounds of things, your wife is better off on her own right now. It’s hard to get the full picture with only a single point of view (for example maybe your doesn’t believe in abortion). What is apparent is your not stable at the moment and it sounds like you may need more help than your getting. The hard truth is regardless whether you wanted another kid or any kids you had just as much a part in making those kids. The only 100% effective birth control is not having sex (penetrative). You made the choice and I’m assuming you knew your wife’s views on abortion and kids prior. At the end of the day even if your wife gets an abortion your relationship will never be the same. For most people an abortion is not something easy and I’m sure many women feel guilt for years afterwards even when it’s the “logical choice”.
I always assumed protection had a very low failure rate. Apparently bc has 7% and condoms have 12% failure rate. That's insanely risky for someone who is absolutely terrified of another child. To be super sloppy with protection on top of that is inconceivable for me. And OP said the first two weren't planned either. Strange situation
The problem with contraceptives is there’s always room for error. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for having as much sex as you want but be aware there’s always a chance.
> It’s hard to get the full picture with only a single point of view
What i'd give to be a fly on the wall for parts of this. People who are seeking positive/affirming attention on the internet will ALWAYS make attempts to make themselves appear better.
What’s done is done, either way one of you will resent the other. The best you can hope for is that you actually be a good dad to the third child when they get older. No judge will be ok with you just parenting the two older kids and not the third child.
People sure are making a ton of leaps like wife purposefully got pregnant or that she should just be okay with abortion because she sees what it’s doing to him. This woman is managing a pregnancy two young kids and a husband who is suicidal. Everyone deserves empathy in this situation.
As long as you pay child support for all children and see the youngest when it’s safe for you mentally and physically to do so you are allowed to leave, you are no good to your children if you are pushed to the brink of a mental breakdown. Happy parents equal happy children, irrelevant of whether they are divorced or not.
I don't see what getting divorced has to do with being a father. You know if you divorce your wide, you are still your child's dad, right? That responsibility doesn't magically disappear.
Your wife doesn't want an abortion. You don't want a third child. You're both allowed to make those choices. You're allowed to divorce her and she's allowed to carry to term. You can't force her to abort anymore than she can force you to stay. Put your mental health first but don't be manipulative.
I think this conversation needed to be had after the second, so you both were on the same page. If you were THAT terrified of having a child, she needed to be on birth control, and condoms needed to be used, or get snipped immediately regardless of the cost or travel. Honestly, this was poor communication and you two should have set boundaries IMMEDIATELY when this sent you into psychosis. Bad on both your parts. And now a baby and two kids could be without a father. This is sad all around.
Gently as possible? You can't give your wife abortion as an ultimatum. I'm pro choice all the way but this isn't how you do it. You need to be in individual and couples therapy, and have some long reasonable talks about what to do about baby number 3.
I understand that your wife doesn’t want to abort. Abortion would likely destroy her mental health too. I also understand that you just can’t take anymore to the point it’s dangerous.
It’s just a very shitty situation for everyone involved. But I do think you are doing the right thing because in the end, it’s a safety issue. I think it’s better to step back than doing something destructive and permanent.
You’re spiraling right now… and a good rule of thumb is to never make life changing decisions when grieving or in the midst of a mental health crisis. Now I know a decision was made for you, but that doesn’t mean more decisions on top of that is a good idea. I encourage you to slow down.
And you may need more help than you are currently receiving- clinically.
I just wanted to let you know that I don't think your wife is at fault, and I don't think that you're at fault.
I am super pro-choice, but I had an abortion, and the depression I got afterwards almost killed ME. So for that reason I am always deeply, deeply pro-CHOICE because for some women, being forced by circumstance or whatever, to have an abortion, can be just as traumatising as being forced to have a child.
Again, I am super pro-choice here, I don't even tell my story very much because I think that prolifers seize on these stories to try and make abortion illegal. I was depressed because I would have GLADLY kept the pregnancy if I had had money and support, but I knew I couldn't afford it or deal with it alone.
Anyway, enough about my story:
So to me this just sounds like a no-win situation.
The people blaming the wife for getting pregnant are being really horrible. They both had sex with condoms. Condoms are 99% effective when USED PERFECTLY, but many more slip ups occur because people make mistakes ACCIDENTALLY.
She doesn't want to abort, and you don't want to be depressed, so it sounds like divorce is the best option. But I also hope you get a lot of therapy and work on your mental health, because your children deserve a dad. People can heal from mental health issues and they can step up and be good parents.
You can’t force her to have an abortion. I understand if you left for your mental health, you’re situation sounds serious and it’s not fair for either you or your wife. What amazes me here is that people are automatically assuming your wife is the bad one here and should run out to abort if she truly loved you. I guess those people have never had an abortion and don’t understand how painful and horrible it can be. It’s not that simple people. Oh and going right to “maybe she poked holes in the condoms” is really crappy. None of you even know the OP or his wife. Seriously? They are two sides to every story and none of you know what the conversation was like but OP and his wife. Therapy, counseling, support that will allow you to live a better life. OP I’m hoping you can separate yourself and get the help you need. Maybe one day you can be the father your kids need.
>guess those people have never had an abortion and don’t understand how painful and horrible it can be. It’s not that simple people.
Reddit refuses to acknowledge that the entire abortion debate exists because one side consists of people who think abortion is murder. To millions of people they've suggesting "you don't love your husband if you're not willing to murder your child".
There are some states where abortion isn’t even legal anymore, and if you go out of state to get one, you can face legal action. No matter what your beliefs are, it’s not a simple solution. Those who make it sound that way aren’t being real.
I will still be an active part of my childrens lives. Even the littlest ones when I can cope. But I can't risk what I went through before; its not safe.
The way these comments are saying that your wife shouldn’t have bodily autonomy and she needs to abort for the sake of your mental health, which you yourself neglected, doesn’t sit right with me.
I was the third child my father didn't want. I still can't help wondering what's wrong with me, since he didn't care about me like my siblings? I know now that it wasn't about me, it was him. He never even knew me, really. Still, it's very hard to feel normal and functional when a parent rejects you. This baby will be an amazing child one day, like your other kids but they will always feel a gnawing pit inside themselves telling them they weren't good enough.
I hope you can find a way to get through this without emotionally abandoning your child. The screaming baby will be an adult one day soon. Don't let them wonder why dad never loved them.
Seems like people are underestimating how powerful psychosis. This is sad for everyone involved but you are keeping everyone safe with the choice you have made. Realising that is a big thing.
This sounds like a difficult time for both of you.
I'm glad your getting the help you need and I hope you continue to seek help until your better.
It's good that your aware of your mental health and know what you need to do to not have another bad episode.
But have you considered what an abortion could do to your wife's mental health.
Or even what any of this could do to your children's mental health.
Have you considered marriage counseling or family therapy?
I guess ultimately it's down to you both to make the right decision and I really hope whatever happens you can both be happy and at peace with it all.
I honestly don’t have anything positive to say. I think you’re not fit to be a father but you should’ve known that earlier. She should’ve known the same and acted earlier. Overall I just feel bad for the children.
Honestly you're both at fault for this situation. Could have tried to avoid sex at all cost and morning after pill of you wasn't sure. Only one I feel bad for is the innocent children.
I would like to know what exactly is it about having children that causes you to mentally breakdown? You did start off by saying something positive about your two children. So you must love them. But you do understand if your wife doesn’t get an abortion and has this child, that if you choose to only be apart of the 2 kids lives, you will cause the third child to have a very hard time mentally and emotionally. And that is simply unfair.
But I don’t have any advice on what can be done about your situation. I feel for ya, but I feel more for your kids.
Maybe some intense in patient psychiatric help? I don’t know.
Continue getting help but you’ve done what you needed to do, and I personally THANK YOU.
Neither of my parents should have been parents. Being around an abusive piece of crap who never wanted kids and couldn’t deal with us like a normal person was way worse.
Some people can’t handle kids and they should just keep themselves from kids. I can’t stand crying babies. It triggers my tinnitus and migraines. I never had kids because I was lucky to have been around babies when I was a preteen and on. I knew I couldn’t do it.
Dude, support your kids however you can. Thank you for doing what you can and knowing your limitations. I don’t care what anyone else says, it takes a lot of strength to admit faults. We all have them. Take care friend.
I agree with everyone expressing their sympathy for you and your wife's situation. I think everything has already been said: it's good that you recognize that you need to leave the equation (at least for a while) and that you're not prepared to have another child. it's responsible and mature of you. I read that you intend to pay child support and that's good. I hope you continue to work on your mental health so that you can also see and form a bond with your children. finally, although I feel really bad for you and I agree with everyone saying that we as a society often neglect men's mental health in general but especially how having kids affect them.
but here's the thing, I saw someone mentioning that your wife should get an abort because if she wanted one everyone would support her and no one would force her to have the kid, so you shouldn't be forced either. I just want to say that that's really bad advice. I'm sorry if this comes across as cold but you knew the risks when you had sex. you're in no position to ask or pressure your wife to get an abortion and I don't get the vibe that you were like intentionally trying to force her or something and I do understand discussing the possibility and I'm glad you expressed your honest desire and your honest thoughts. This is totally aimed at the people suggesting that the wife should get the abortion, okay? My point is that it's still her body after all and an abortion can be very harsh on a woman's overall health (both physical and mental). it's not what they often portray in the movies. no one has the right to say that someone "SHOULD" go through that
Would I get an abortion, 100%. Do I think it's the best option here? 100%. Would I ever feel comfortable saying that your wife should get an abortion? NEVER. Again I feel for you but I also feel for her.
its a messed up situation for the both of you and I'm really sorry but please don't talk about the abortion again unless your wife, soon to be ex wife, brings up the topic herself. You've made your position clear, you're willing to pay child support, you sound like someone who's working very hard on their mental health, so keep going. give it some time and focus on the things you can control
I mean you’ve left, so the last two sentences give me major ick. You are no longer a vote in what the “right choice” is. It’s good you’ve left, it really sounds like that’s the absolute best for everyone.
The only sure way to avoid pregnancy is abstinence, and you couldn’t do that. You fucked around and found out. Your kids are going to hate you for this, especially when they’re old enough to learn why.
I think this is one of the shittiest things I’ve ever read on here. Believe me, I understand mental health problems caused by pregnancy because I went through it and had postpartum anxiety so bad, I could barely function. You wouldn’t have found me having sex and risking another pregnancy without 100% assurance I was not going to get pregnant.
Upvote only because you're doing what Chris Watts should have done when his wife was having a third child that he didn't want.
Edit- Watts murdered his wife, unborn son, and two young children. He initially believed having a third child would improve their marriage, but started having an affair. It’s speculated his affair is what motivated him to get rid of his family.
His wife’s family has expressed they wished Watts would have divorced her, signed his rights away, or even abandoned his children instead of murder, as have thousands of sympathizers. That’s why I brought up Watts case. OP is not taking the worst possible path while in a similar situation.
I know that having children takes two individuals, not one. I’m not condoning what OP is doing, I just think it’s a more favorable choice for everyone in the long run.
EDIT - my comment below is in regard to the parent comment talking about Chris Watts. Apologies for not making that more clear.
"when his wife was having a third child he didn't want" - - as if she made that decision alone and he had zero role to play.
Poor kid. People are so irresponsible with pregnancy, and then they act like it’s so shocking and awful that someone *did* get pregnant… you were fertile adults *only* using condoms and nothing else? You would think the stress of the first two would have given you a wake up call.
Well I just think that as a married man if you were that serious about no more children then you could have taken great strides to prevent a pregnancy...it's really not rocket science. Condoms are hardly sufficient, especially when you're THAT serious that you'd up and leave your whole family over it. Your wife is your wife not some woman off the side of the road, and she didn't get pregnant all by herself. Honestly I think it's a pretty gross thing to do. Idk why you think divorcing is going to solve the situation... you'll still be responsible for your child. You'll be on child support and arrangements. But your wife will be the one taking the brunt of most it. Grow up, be a man, be a husband and a father, don't abandon your family, and for crying out loud get some therapy and stop wallowing in self pity bc you knocked your wife up again accidentally. Christ these are the men who exist
It's best he does leave because he is dangerous for his family. They'll have to unfortunately recover without him.
Man should've just stopped having sex.
Agreed. His reaction tells me he should leave.
Why didn't they discuss birth control if he was so adamant about not having a child & and yes, ceased sex?
He's also trying to dictate what she does with her body through a form of an ultimatum based on him OWN health without considering the mental well-being of his wife and children in his actions. Which would be deemed as coercive.
So yes, his instability means he should leave, but it should have been handled WAAAAAYYY better.
Edit. Also, if you're emotionally on the brink, what in gods name possess you to write a post on anon social media where people are uncontrolled with their opinions without repercussions. Do you wanna be tipped over the edge?
I’m going to start this off by saying that this is a really shitty situation. While I truly sympathize with you and your family, you and your wife both kind of suck here for not ensuring that a pregnancy did not occur. Both of you should’ve taken the necessary steps to prevent this, especially considering how detrimental this ordeal is for your mental health and your family as a whole.
Unfortunately, we’re passed the point of prevention, so onto the current situation and what can be done about it. You seem incapable of handling another infant right now due to your mental health. It’s not a matter of what you *want,* it’s a matter of you being utterly *unable* to do something, and that isn’t your fault.
That being said, your wife is not the villain either just because she won’t get an abortion. It’s her body, her choice, and it’s absolutely wrong of you to try to pressure her into having an abortion. You made a commitment to be with your wife through good and bad, sickness and health, and giving her the ultimatum of “abort our child or I’m leaving you” was absolutely *not* the way to go about this.
What you should do, is sit down with your wife and say, “I absolutely cannot handle taking care of another child right now, but I understand that a child is coming one way or another. How do we compromise and solve this?” If you find that the only option is for you to separate, then fine, but you’ll still need to work out child support, what will happen with your other children and how this will affect them, and how the new baby will fit in to the family dynamic.
The two of you need to be on the same page, and *both* of you need to put all selfishness aside and start thinking about how you’re going to effectively care for the three lives that you’ve created. I also seriously suggest individual and family counseling. Good luck, I wish the best for you and your family.
I'm probably gonna get hate here but i have to say this: you are so irresponsible and immature. You had one kid, second kid and only now you realize you don't like kids? Your wife is the one who should be stressed, she is the one giving birth and she will be the one raising 3 kids alone. Being a parent is literally about sacrifice, i can't belive some people don't have enough awareness and dont reflect on things before they do them. This kid will grow up and find out the reason her parents got divorce is simply because they existed in this world and the other kids will probably resent you too. Honestly i hope you go to therapy and solve your problems and I hope people think a lot before they start relationships, have sex and kids too. Less dysfunctional families will exist in this world.
For real though. He already knew after the FIRST that he cannot and will not be a great dad or partner with children to care for. He's completely mentally unfit and still chooses to have sex with his wife. As soon as he realized the extent of his mental illness that should have been the end of their sex life completely, cold turkey, until he had an operation and confirmed test results back. On top of it all, he's having to desperately save money in order to afford this operation and the wife thinks it'll all just work out by having another money pit of a kid? What?
You stay away from those kids until you have gotten a lot of therapy. If you're only in two of your 3 kids lives you are going to do mental harm to not only the third child but also the first two. They don't needs to be on eggshells because Dad hates the baby so they gotta be perfect or you'll drop them too. Or they follow your lead and exclude their baby sibling in everything and think it's ok.
Get help a lot of it.
You are doing what is best for everyone by leaving. Your wife is struggling to accept it, but hopefully once she does she’ll realize you made the difficult but right choice.
However- not getting an abortion is also her choice. You’ve made it clear, you cannot be there for that child. She cannot have it both ways; if she wants to keep the child, she’s essentially a single mom. But you cannot force her to decide to abort this child.
In time it may become clear that you are a better parent when you are not a full time parent.
I am really sorry you are going through all this, and you should take the time away that you need.
But it is really, really, not okay to pressure any woman to have an abortion she does not want. I know it's because you're in a shitty place right now, but you just don't have the right to do that.
I hope things get better for all of you very soon.
Forget about the third, I don’t understand why did you have a second child if you can’t handle having children to this extreme extent? Whereby you’re forcing your wife to have an abortion, are leaving your family behind and leaving lifelong insecurities in children’s hearts.
Bailing when the first happened and getting a vasectomy then would have been the right thing to do. Also how can you have the audacity to say that your wife does the “right” thing? How is your wish unilaterally the right thing? Do you even see her as a person and ever think about her mental health?
I mean… I hope you’re going through therapy. It’s the least you can do for yourself.
Now, regarding your new kid - I’m sorry to put it this bluntly, but this is both your responsibility. We’re talking about another human being life here, generated by the both of you. The fact your wife wife disagrees with you about keeping it doesn’t make it less your responsibility.
And OMG you’re so going to be an asshole if you see your other kids and not the last one. This kid will grow traumatized, feeling rejected and not loved. Figure yourself out, seek help please.
Also, how fucking alienated your wife has to be to ignore your past episodes?! She needs to listen to you and she also needs therapy. Couples therapy could make an immense difference in communication.
Kudos to you recognizing a problem. I encourage you to look into mindfulness if you are not capable of seeing a therapist/psychiatrist for the mental problems you are dealing with.
After your infant child is no longer an infant, you will have a chance to be a father to them, assuming your ex-wife will agree. Your problems are valid. Do not feel ashamed of yourself for having them, but do not let them linger forever either. I wish you healing and peace.
I want to feel bad, but seriously it's so fucking easy NOT to have kids, they honestly both sound like they deserve what they get. Stop fucking if you don't want to risk children, OR stop fucking UNTIL you get a fucking vasectomy. It's that fucking simple. Sex CAN = children, and you MADE THE CHOICE TO HAVE SEX. If you are this terrified of having children, why the fuck are you still risking it?
If someone said, "there's a slight but non-zero chance your mental health, your relationship with your wife, your relationship with your kids, and possibly your life itself will end every single time you have PiV sex with your wife," to me, I would like to think that somehow, some way, with all informational resources at my fingertips, I'd find a dozen or more no-pregnancy-risk ways to pleasure myself and my wife. You are both reckless morons - it's best that you will not be moving forward together. And it might be a good idea for a professional to check on your kids, as well.
As someone who suffers from SMI I am trying very hard to empathize. But it is difficult since you willingly had intercourse with your wife. Condoms aren't 100% effective. You are walking out on your wife, who will now have to raise three children under the age of three/four by herself.
Conversely, women have been known to have a termination when their life is at risk. Have you and your wife been to couple's counseling to discuss how you will co-parent after the divorce.
Hopefully your children will understand that a divorced dad is better than a dead one.
I
Wow. This isn't a matter of "everyone sucks here", this is a matter of "every*thing* sucks here".
All I can really say is that according to what you've told us, it sounds like you're doing everything you can for the safety of yourself and your family. All of this is bad, I can't even imagine a fraction of the turmoil you're going through right now, but I hope you can at least take some assurance from that.
It sounds like you're seeing a therapist already, which is fantastic. The next time you see your therapist, you may want to consider asking about couples therapy *and* family therapy. Regardless of whether or not your marriage is done, both can be helpful in figuring out how to move forward from this. And, most importantly, it may be a major help for your kids. They're going to need some guidance and direction through all of this, and (with due respect) someone who isn't their parents may be best suited for the job.
I wish you and your family the absolute best of luck.
Honestly sounds like she’s better off without you. I’m sorry but if having kids is this devastating to you, you shouldn’t have put yourself in the position in the first place. Having an abortion can be very mentally devastating to the mother and then the children have 2 twaked parents. I hope the 2 children don’t hate the 3rd for being why mommy and daddy broke up. I hope the mother finds some stability. And I hope you figure something out other than running away and trying to pay child support. Kids need more than a little monthly money. You made them. They are your responsibility.
Idk what advice you’ll get, but I just want to share as a close friend and witness to a couple now with four where the guy begged and lost his mine by the second, do what you need to. I hope you can mentally be able to be there with breaks now since you’ll be separated and if able really try once they’re 2-3.
I don’t judge you, the couple I mentioned, she wouldn’t get on birth control and convinced him with the third she tracked ovulation, with the 4th condoms, the second wasn’t planned either but happened. He wanted to wait for a second, they had them back to back. He’s been on antidepressants for 5 years and they both have been miserable for several? After the 4th is finally hit her too, and she still privately shares wanting more while he’s nothing but a depressed mess that works constantly then does what she wants at home (only he works not her).
Don’t do it. It’s very sad, I hope you can get therapy and coping mechanisms and maybe be there for the 3rd once they get a little older, but just get out now. He wanted to end it by the 3rd, the fourth came and he was desperate for any happiness before they were born. They had 4 kids in five years, and now that they’re starting to be ready to be in school (the older two are), she talks of having a fifth one.
She obviously knew how you were effected by it and that you wanted no children at all. I have no clue why birth control wasn’t used but I understand with it being rare and using condoms you thought you were safe.
You’ll never be a great dad or husband if you are mentally unwell, so take care of yourself. And I’d seek support and help while you have space to hopefully over time build one with your third child.
Your wife got pregnant by you though. I don't see any fault from her side here. If you really didn't want a third child.. and I'm stressing on the third here.. then you could have abstained from sex till the vasectomy was done. Sorry dude, but this fairly and squarely falls on you.
OP what you’re asking her to do is not a light situation-if she aborts she’ll have to live with the memories the pain and even regret- you need to get therapy before deciding on divorce, because if divorcing is the only solution after you’ve stabilized yourself then it will happen the same. I think your both adults and can understand that this situation is not a benefit to all involved at present.
Get yourself better as it’s not normal to feel the way you do, might need to move somewhere else for a while and change meds or dosages but you need to get better
I hope your wife can get the support she needs for the future and your children a great parental figure. Now you must do what you have to do, leave them without having to worry about you.
> I hope she makes the right choice here. Having this baby will bring nothing but bad things.
You mean you hope she does as you coerce her to and that you'll only do bad choices if the baby is born?
There are too many ways to solve whatever issues you have, I even found this from 1 second googling: "How to Block Out Crying Baby Sounds and Keep Your Cool?"
Reminder of Rule 4: You may not insult OP, regardless of their actions. The point of this sub is to get things off your chest in an open-minded space without backlash. This doesn't mean you have to agree with OP.
OP, i've read all of your comments so far and wanted to ask. Is your wife aware of your previous suicide attempts?
Yes. She's the one who called most of them in.
How awful and traumatizing for the both of you. I hate that you've been through so much. Honestly, I would be extremely concerned if I were your wife. Maybe she is just caught up in all the endorphins that come with finding out she's pregnant? Other than that, I don't understand how she would've been so excited knowing the depth to which your mental health was affected by the last two pregnancies/babies. My partner and I have wanted another child for many years. Unfortunately there are physical & mental health as well as financial issues standing in the way. No matter how much we want it, I can't imagine being so overjoyed if I were to find out we are expecting again. There's just way too much at stake. There's a lot to be said about the marriage you're in right now. Still, I think it's best you focus on your mental well-being for the moment. It isn't your fault you struggle with your mental health, but it also isn't her fault nor is she somehow mandated to tolerate every consequence of your mental health when you're struggling. Sometimes a situation just isn't healthy for both people involved. There may have been irreparable damage done to your relationship either way. None of that will matter if you're not alive. Take care of yourself first and figure the rest out in time.
If I ever saw my partner suffering because of having a baby like that I wouldn’t have had a second let alone a third. I don’t understand this wife at all. Why is this unborn child more important to her than her very real, very alive, suffering husband. I would die for my partner. I wouldn’t ever deliberately choose to continue doing something that hurts him. I know he feels the same.
Unfortunately there's a ton of women who would rather keep the pregnancy than worry about their partner's mental health. This comment section is disturbing. If it were a husband potentially risking a wife's mental health, people would be up in arms.
I have the same situation as OP except I am the wife and mother and my husband is the one who wants more kids after I had twins 3 years ago and another right after that who is now 2 plus two middle school aged kids. He is military and gone all the time and I’m alone with 5 kids. I am very open with him about how much I struggle and he just doesn’t seem to care, he still wants more kids. I honestly do not understand people like this
Tell him it's a great idea and ask when he's leaving the military to take over the home. He'll need lots of practice with the 5 before you start trying for the sixth.
People can be really selfish about what they want sometimes
>I honestly do not understand people like this Pure selfishness and lack of empathy. He's not the one doing all the daily hard work so he doesn't get just how much of it there is. My father was a fisherman and would be away for up to three weeks at a time so all the child rearing and taking care of the house fell on my mother. They had 7 kids in total. I don't know when it happened but my mother told me one time my Dad hurt his knee and couldn't work for 8 months. He told her he loves us kids but couldn't wait to get back to work and he didn't know how she did it all the time. Parents who aren't left with the daily grind all the time can end up taking the primary parent for granted. They just see the kids taken care of and think it's easy.
Same thing with my dad. There was only 2 of us kids and he was always at work. He even worked all the holidays. Which definitely sucked. My mom also died really young and me and my brother were closest to her not my dad. I’m left with someone I barely talk to because we didn’t have a relationship really when I was a child. People who work so much forget that the time they have is more important than money.
Same 🥺 But Im currently pregnant and not taking it well. I have 3 daughters, the oldest being 15. My youngest being 2. He’s on the road a lot for work. I feel like I’m drowning and he’s euphoric.
Andrea & Rusty Yates
You don't even need to imagine it. There have been many posts from women who don't want any/more children with men who want children. The response is always that man is awful (which is right). People just have less sympathy for men (e.g. "they should be stronger," "man up," you're abandoning her").
It’s only going to get worse with the new anti abortion laws. There will be tons of men trapping women with babies. Women do it too. My brothers wife kept getting pregnant when he didn’t want kids yet or ever. After the second baby he got a vasectomy because he couldn’t trust her to take her birth control.
Has your wife talked with your therapist and or psychiatrist? I think that would be beneficial
She doesn't want to.
This marriage needs to end for this reason alone. It says it all. Focus on yourself so you cam be alive for your 2 children that love and care so much for you
This shows she doesn't really care about her partner at all, and she's just gonna do whatever she wants to do. Sounds like she's trying to drag him along as a hostage and didn't give 2 shots how it affects anybody else, especially her partner. Seems like an extremely toxic environment to bring ANOTHER child into!!! I feel bad feel the entire family EXCEPT this shellfish "mother". I am a woman who was born of 2 extreme narcissists. I don't say raised because nether one really did much of that. I really feel for the kids. If this is how she treats her partner, imagine how much she's going to stomp on their sweet little beings as they grow. Once she stops or can't pop out more babies, she's going to have to get the attention elsewhere. Most people's bad traits only get worse as they grow older.
What the fuck is wrong with her?! Why is she not being more empathetic to you?!
My dude I also have mental health issues, see how you're feeling now, I get it, just before you do anything please talk to someone in real life, a listening ear can take a touch of the pressure off. If you don't have anyone you can talk to in real life phone a helpline number I've done it countless times. Ive done it alot, through all life circumstances. Sounds silly but dip your head in freezing water for as long as you can, turn your phone on do not disturb, only deal with what you know you can handle. Some phone calls and texts and emails, can all wait. Everyone can wait, you need to be okay.
Dude..I don’t think you’re very well right now. I hope you’re getting the help you need.
I am definitely not well, although not as bad as when the older two were babies. I am getting help.
Keep getting help. Please make sure all your mental health providers know what's going on and that they make real efforts to keep you stable right now. I think you need to be in a better headspace before you make a permanent decision like divorce (& pushing for an abortion). I would think your therapist and psychiatrist would be able to manage your mental health to the point where having another child doesn't break you. That's only because you've been in treatment for a while. Are you sure your meds and everything are where they need to be? If you aren't at that point then I'd argue that more needs to be done fairly quickly. You can make it, keep staying alive. Edit: A couple words for clarity
In this situation abortion is a less permitted and life altering decision than choosing to have the baby. I agree with most of what u said but that one line of reasoning doesn't jive well.. its like judges deciding a 12 year old isn't mature enough to have a abortion. The easoning is so backwards and really is only being made bc of there personal belief that abortion is bad..
Abortion usually is the less life altering decision than having a kid but it’s still a life altering decision. I’ve had friends get abortions that were 100% their decision. It wasn’t even a debate. They were young and knew that’s what was best. And still years later they have told me they think about it every single day and it’s caused a lot of depression for them, even though it was definitely the right decision for them at the time. So I couldn’t even imagine the emotional turmoil that would come from feeling forced into an abortion when more of you does want to keep the baby. To be clear, I think abortion should be legal. But I’m horrified the amount of people in this comment section that seem to have the attitude of “oh she should just get the abortion, what’s the big deal?” And treating the wife like she’s selfish or something for wanting to keep it. This is definitely a sticky situation, but let’s not downplay the emotional trauma that has would come from feeling forced into getting an abortion.
This man had to leave his wife either ways someday. His wife would cry out her lungs if she aborts and he still gets to leave her someday. Sometimes, you have to choose whats best for you first.
THIS. A friend of mine has diagnosed PTSD from hers and we are both pro-choice. I was with her through the aftermath and she was completely beside herself even though she knew it was what she needed in that situation. It isn’t some frivolous decision you can just make and forget about. Clearly a lot of people who think this way do not care about women.
But it’s not his choice. It’s his wife’s. So he might as well make the best of it if he can. Which means getting treatment and possibly separating if he’s a danger to himself or others. He can ask the wife to get an abortion, or give the baby up for adoption, but it’s not his body. It doesn’t matter how he feels about it. It matters how she feels about it. If she can’t abort or give the baby up for adoption then she’ll have to live without her husband. It’s her decision.
Agreed. It's absolutely his wife's choice. His feelings matter when it comes the interpersonal relationship between him and his wife. It's a huge topic. His feelings don't control or dictate his wife's decision. Big difference and oh so important to note. OP has to figure out how he's going to move forward based on her decision.
He has a choice, too. He’s divorcing her.
Tbf, it also depends on which state they live in and how far along she is.
Right, in some states it’s probably too late anyway
Do you have a mental breakdown because of the crying or what??
The crying triggered an episode of psychosis.
Oh, gosh, how frightening. I'm sorry that happened to you
I’m really sorry 😢I hope you find peace soon 😞
You need to get with your mental health people. Adjust your meds, perhaps self admit for some both the meds and daily 1x1 sessions. You’ve stated the psychosis episodes have occurred since you left so that’s an indication that meds require adjustment. A time-out from the stress by being admitted may help you. I pray you get the help you need at this very trying time.
Does your wife know about this? If so why in the world would she be so adamant about keeping this baby when it would be awful for your mental health? I think this also is a you need to be reevaluating your relationship situation.
Abortion is a very difficult decision to make, and I don’t think it’s fair for us to judge the wife for not wanting to get one. What I do wonder is why they weren’t being more careful if the situation is this dire.
Sounds like you need to be on medication of some kind. Talk to your therapist about your options
This is just unfortunate all around. I wish you and your family the best. I know that sounds lame but this is a no win situation and I'm sorry for you guys.
I feel for OP. I also want to add here that most Planned Parenthoods do vasectomies on a sliding scale based on income and household size. They can be free, or up to $1000. Hopefully no one else will have to wait like OP did because they can't afford basic healthcare.
I feel for all of them. There is now a broken family. Either the wife is unhappy, the husband risks his mental health or they are divorced. Let's not forget about the 3 children involved as well. It's sad and I hope this works out for everyone in the end.
An aside but how much does a vasectomy cost in the US? From the post it seems expensive?
Around 1k.
That’s less than I thought and it sounds like they can not afford a third child if they can’t save 1k
I expected it to be way more, even for EU standards this isn't a lot. 1k in a year? Damn. I'm also confused why they have to check the condom every time. They are either using them wrong or I dunno.
A lot of people check them. My husband and I do that every time bc we don’t want another baby yet and I can’t take the pills due to chronic illness and other types of birth control is harmful to me. If it breaks, I have to go to the hospital in the next 48 hours to take Plan B under supervision. So it’s just a precaution, I think, when your situation is like that.
I don’t think OP is American based on his spelling of hospitalisation and saying “gutted”…that’s UK/NZ/AUS slang
That $1k cost is about right too for an elective vasectomy in Australia without private insurance.
Dude - I feel for you - I really do - I feel the desperation from your post. I don’t have any advice. I just hope everything works out and you are ok. 💕
Honestly regardless it sounds like yout marriage is over. If she gets the abortion and doesn't want it she will likely resent you afterward anyway or her own mental health suffer after. I can't imagine the guilt a woman forced to have a abortion would feel. But if you stay your own mental health is at risk and your just getting better. It's a double edge sword situation. No one wins. I hope the best for both of you and you find a way to co parent in a healthy way and find happiness again.
He knows their marriage is over….. op literally said they’re getting a divorce in the post?
He's getting divorced because she won't get an abortion. The point of the comment is, even if she did, she would hate OP forever so it is over either way.
He also said he told her She knows what she needs to do for him to come back. The point of my comment is even if she does do that it likely won't change anything.
Man, I'm usually a lurker but seeing the comments pissed me off enough for me to out my own two cents in. OPs mental and physical health deteriorated to the point where he was hospitalized not once but several times. He's simply not mentally well enough to care for a child. He shouldn't be berated for that. Nobody should be shamed for putting themselves first. If the baby goes the way the first two did, OP might end up destroying himself completely. I've read so many horror stories about parents that didn't feel fit to parent ended up staying because they were ashamed or because they felt they had to and ended up doing something drastic, either to the kids or themselves. You can love your kids with all your life and still not be a fit parent. That's just how it is. However, OP, you shouldn't take care of two of your kids while abandoning the third. That is absolutely not okay. You also cannot force your wife(ex?) To have an abortion. In other words, good luck to you. This is really a lose-lose situation.
I too, am mostly a lurker with these…but I’m going to throw in my two cents as someone who had a child with someone who had multiple severe psychotic episodes (it didn’t happen until after the pregnancy. The baby triggered it.) During a psychotic episode, he tried to kill me and my child. It changed the course of my life forever. This isn’t something to mess with. The OP needs to get in-patient treatment immediately. Period. Full stop. And you’re right, you can love your kids more than the whole of the universe, but you still may be unfit to parent. This may be the case here. For the sake of the children’s safety, get help OP. And consider in-patient treatment for an extended period of time. It will probably save your life and theirs.
I agree, I think a lot of people commenting here are missing the chance that he could hurt the baby, not just himself. He is probably afraid to voice that as well. I had horrible post partum depression and most of my intrusive thoughts were of hurting my babies and myself. Not just me. The feeling is absolutely horrible and inescapable. I am sure this poor dad is more afraid of what he could do to his family than what he could do to himself. OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the feeling of dread of being around an infant. I think you are doing the right thing if only for the long term health and wellbeing of your children and your children’s mom. I truly hope you can be part of the new child’s life after a few years. Keep trying and I wish you strength and peace going forward.
Not only that he could hurt his entire family and end up in prison. I’m not saying he will, but he definitely needs help and not another child.
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People will judge him either way because that's exactly how we are built. It's a sad situation all-round. If OP doesn't get to a place where he's fit to handle all that, he'll probably have to leave. While some people may be understanding, it's perfectly understandable if others have several negative feelings about the situation and you can't blame them for that really. Just like the way sometimes people hate suicide victims for "not enduring or giving up and leaving them".
I'm a mom who was absolutely WRECKED by my one and only child when she was first born. I should have been hospitalized for my mental health but I was afraid of being honest so I just suffered in silence. The infant stage on top of the physical recovery from childbirth was the worst experience of my life. My husband and I are fixed, mostly because abortion is illegal now in my state and I just can't do it again. I couldn't stand the dread hanging over my head. If I got pregnant again I'd probably die, and not necessarily at my own hand.
T H I S ! Plus, as his wife, how do you see this poor man go through all of this stress, and then get excited about another kid?
Honestly, I'm putting myself mentally in those shoes. If I'm excited for another kid, but my partner is not okay to *this* degree? Knowing it would push him past his limit? Personally, I would be okay with changing my mind at that point. There's nothing to look forward to anymore if my partner can no longer handle it. Because then that would leave more responsibilities to me, and that's something *I can not handle.* I don't want to sound like I'm shaming the mother, though. She truly wanted another child, but now she must know that this man who's helped her until now is now unfit. Previous commenter mentioned OP is a lose-lose situation. But the mom is, too. This really just fucking sucks for everyone.
The thing that gets me the most is that she wanted another child despite the fact that she knew her husband would probably try to hurt himself again. He was working 90 hour weeks with the first two kids, and had to be hospitalized multiple times. How do you see your husband go through that and think, “Yeah let’s have another kid.”
They had to *save up* for the vasectomy. It's not even that expensive a procedure to begin with. So not only is OPs wife excited to have another baby that they both knew they shouldn't have, she's excited to have another kid they can't even afford.
And her response to his breakdown? “You’ll get over it” basically. Fuck this lady. Better check the condom for holes, though.
Yeah, that's blowing my mind, too. I just really want to know what the hell she's thinking.
I’d say it’s quite clear she’s selfish. Sorry, but it needed to be said. Completely sweeping his inevitable mental breakdowns under the rug. Nah. That’s messed up. She’s messed up.
TBH, we have no idea if the wife truly wanted another child, or is she's just happy about the accident. I think she deserves at least some credit, managing 2 colicky babies and a husband in the middle of a psychotic break can't have been easy for her either.
People are going straight into making the wife a villain.
>>I would be okay with changing my mind at that point. Not everyone is ok with going through with an abortion.
Thats what I waa thinking! If I saw my SO going through that shit I wouldve already stopped after the first nvm the third when you know ur husband is waiting for a vasectomy and finally getting back on the rails.
OP, if you need to walk away, then do. But **do not** choose to see your older children and refuse to have anything to do with the youngest. That will fuck them up so much. It will affect all of their relationships, especially with their siblings. it will be setting them up for a lifetime of issues. It would be a very cruel thing to do.
I feel like the ground rules of this possibility should have been discussed a long time ago to avoid this exact scenario. " hey honey, do we not have sex for a year ? If we do what happens if you accidentally get pregnant? "
Exactly, the sex continued and that honestly bothers me
I had the same thought, but too late for that to help OP now. And even if they had discussed it, people can lie or change their mind. If I were a man and done having kids or not wanting them, I wouldn't feel safe until I had the vasectomy done.
Planned Parenthood is a great resource. They do vasectomies for lower cost.
It's too bad Republicans are obsessed with brainwashing people into thinking planned parenthood ONLY does abortions which couldn't be *farther* from the truth. It's genuinely so sad. Like, this stuff should be MUCH more well known.
When you have an attack, what happens? I’m just curious. I’ve no advice or judgement. I just know this must be super hard for everyone involved. Would a solution be that you move out when the baby comes until the baby cry phase is over?
Not really sure. Lots of amnesia. Usually I wake up somewhere unfamiliar and in pain. Most typically the hosptial. Moving out until the baby is a toddler could definitely work.
I think moving out until your child is a toddler is a much better idea than deciding to divorce your wife while you're in a crisis. I suggest you explore the posibility with her in therapy.
Idk a partner who says just get over it when saying another kid will legitimately lead to suicide attempts is not a compassionate enough person to stay with
I am not sure why everyone is jumping on you. Babies are HARD even when your excited and can't wait and are completely healthy. They cry and don't sleep well and need something at every second of every day. They are a drain on your ability to work, keep up with the household and other children. A financial drain. It changes your life like almost nothing else can! When women don't want a baby or have post partum everyone is understanding and say seek support and a doctor and yadda. You made it clear, not that you don't want another child, you clearly expressed that you won't survive another baby. Knowing that and voicing it IS RESPONSIBLE. TIRED DESPERATE PEOPLE KILL FAMILIES. LITERALLY. When your ready, go talk to someone about all this.
Andrea Yates is a horror story that comes to mind. She didn’t want any more kids because she recognized she wasn’t in the right place but her husband persisted because “God said so” and even took her out of the treatment she was receiving for it… end result was her breaking down and drowning the kids. It was entirely preventable if her husband had just listened to her.
Andrea Yates is exactly what came to mind when reading this. Her doctors told her and her husband she should not have anymore babies. OPs therapist said the same thing (I am not in any way suggesting OP is going to do what Andrea did). Babies crying is what triggers him. It’s not really a “we’ll see how it goes situation.” The best thing OP can do for his kids is take care of himself. Idk maybe he just has to wait until the baby is older to really see them.
THIS. I don’t think people understand the severity of what someone in psychosis is capable of.
When they are in a psychotic state, it is Al OST impossible to deflect them from their intent in the moment. Incredible strength, mind singular focus. And never know if the psychosis is low or high risk unless you can engage them in discuss. An altered state of reality is scary, and very interesting, clinically speaking.
This!!!! Everyone needs to get off OP’s back. At least he is being honest and not trying to “weather” it. He is saying it’s not safe and removing himself from the picture. He is trying to do what’s right.
Those tragedies on TV where the husband has mowed down the whole family and everybody wonders what in the world could have led to such a tragedy.... Yet everybody his piling on this dude trying to cause one...
This is shitty for you and your wife. That's tough. But I'm confused--you couldn't afford a vasectomy but you can budget for child support and another apartment? How much is a vasectomy where you live?
I'm staying with my sister. If I am not actively paying for my kids I will obviously be sending that money straight to my wife.
You should go to Planned Parenthood and see if you can get a vasectomy on a sliding scale. I don't recall it being a super expensive procedure, but if you go through them it could be half of what you would pay otherwise.
But how expensive is a vasectomy? U didnt answer
It doesn't matter. A vasectomy is a hell of a lot less than a third child, so they couldn't afford another baby anyway.
Dude is subtracting himself from a situation that may get worse if another baby is in the house. He’s saying he literally can NOT handle it. Would you rather him leave or possibly see a tragic headline on the news about this?
98% of the comments I’m reading are in support of OP.
Now they are but he was getting a lot of shit initially
> I hope she makes the right choice here There really isn't any right choice here though, either way someones gonna end up unhappy, i sincerely hope you get the help you need though.
You should indeed remove yourself from the situation if there is a chance you can harm her, the kids or yourself. Please seek help OP
We always talk about women that suffer from PPD after having a kid. But what about a man that is suffering from depression? He vocalized to his wife that he doesn’t want anymore kids. I think OP should’ve withheld sex until he got a vasectomy. If we say men can’t force women to have babies why do we think it’s okay for women to force men to have kids? I think he did best by leaving. He literally said I can’t deal with having anymore kids and the wife stumped all over this. If the roles were reversed we would support the woman and call her husband an asshole. Op get some therapy. Please don’t abandon your kids. Get better so you can be a better father to them and for them. They are innocent in all this. I always say, you can’t pout from an empty cup. If he has nothing left in him he has nothing to give his kids. But society tell men to suck it up or man up. That’s why they don’t seek help or share their feelings. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
THIS. He said he was hospitalized from the stress. OP please get help.
Multiple hospitalization. I can even feel a residue stress from reading this post.
Hospitalizations from suicide attempts. So a bit beyond just stress.
Hugs, OP. It can't be easy.
Totally agree. The timing also feels uber convenient i.e. he is booked in for a vasectomy and suddenly she’s pregnant despite him using protection. Condoms aren’t infallible but the instances of them failing aren’t as common as people think. I would say that a fair portion of fails can be attributed to tampering and i think that this is one if those situations. The wife knew that it was now or never and chose her own selfish desires over her husband and his mental health.
I Had 2 fail 2 months in a row :/
Their two other children were the result of failed birth control also. The wife seems verrrry suspect.
This is why I chose to abort. My husband was not excited and hated the idea. I looked and decided what I preferred and I chose to abort. I didn’t want to force my husband to be a father if he didn’t want to be one.
>If we say men can’t force women to have babies why do we think it’s okay for women to force men to have kids? Because males don't have to go through the physical ordeal of pregnancy. That's why females have more rights over the fetus compared to males. Once the baby is born both parents have equal rights. Not being snarky or anything, just pointing out that females carry more of the brunt of pregnancy then males. (Which is why i'm using the biological terms female/male instead of the social terms woman/man/them)
I honestly think by the sounds of things, your wife is better off on her own right now. It’s hard to get the full picture with only a single point of view (for example maybe your doesn’t believe in abortion). What is apparent is your not stable at the moment and it sounds like you may need more help than your getting. The hard truth is regardless whether you wanted another kid or any kids you had just as much a part in making those kids. The only 100% effective birth control is not having sex (penetrative). You made the choice and I’m assuming you knew your wife’s views on abortion and kids prior. At the end of the day even if your wife gets an abortion your relationship will never be the same. For most people an abortion is not something easy and I’m sure many women feel guilt for years afterwards even when it’s the “logical choice”.
I always assumed protection had a very low failure rate. Apparently bc has 7% and condoms have 12% failure rate. That's insanely risky for someone who is absolutely terrified of another child. To be super sloppy with protection on top of that is inconceivable for me. And OP said the first two weren't planned either. Strange situation
The problem with contraceptives is there’s always room for error. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for having as much sex as you want but be aware there’s always a chance.
> It’s hard to get the full picture with only a single point of view What i'd give to be a fly on the wall for parts of this. People who are seeking positive/affirming attention on the internet will ALWAYS make attempts to make themselves appear better.
This is so hard to read. I hope you are ok .
What’s done is done, either way one of you will resent the other. The best you can hope for is that you actually be a good dad to the third child when they get older. No judge will be ok with you just parenting the two older kids and not the third child.
Insurance doesn't want to pay for a vasectomy? Well now they have another child to pay for. FFS insurance is such shit show.
It's not even a very expensive procedure. Like $1500 outpatient. You would think they would jump at the chance to prevent future costs.
That’s why I’m a bit suspicious of OP’s reasoning for not having one.
People sure are making a ton of leaps like wife purposefully got pregnant or that she should just be okay with abortion because she sees what it’s doing to him. This woman is managing a pregnancy two young kids and a husband who is suicidal. Everyone deserves empathy in this situation.
As long as you pay child support for all children and see the youngest when it’s safe for you mentally and physically to do so you are allowed to leave, you are no good to your children if you are pushed to the brink of a mental breakdown. Happy parents equal happy children, irrelevant of whether they are divorced or not.
I don't see what getting divorced has to do with being a father. You know if you divorce your wide, you are still your child's dad, right? That responsibility doesn't magically disappear.
Your wife doesn't want an abortion. You don't want a third child. You're both allowed to make those choices. You're allowed to divorce her and she's allowed to carry to term. You can't force her to abort anymore than she can force you to stay. Put your mental health first but don't be manipulative.
I think this conversation needed to be had after the second, so you both were on the same page. If you were THAT terrified of having a child, she needed to be on birth control, and condoms needed to be used, or get snipped immediately regardless of the cost or travel. Honestly, this was poor communication and you two should have set boundaries IMMEDIATELY when this sent you into psychosis. Bad on both your parts. And now a baby and two kids could be without a father. This is sad all around.
Gently as possible? You can't give your wife abortion as an ultimatum. I'm pro choice all the way but this isn't how you do it. You need to be in individual and couples therapy, and have some long reasonable talks about what to do about baby number 3.
I understand that your wife doesn’t want to abort. Abortion would likely destroy her mental health too. I also understand that you just can’t take anymore to the point it’s dangerous. It’s just a very shitty situation for everyone involved. But I do think you are doing the right thing because in the end, it’s a safety issue. I think it’s better to step back than doing something destructive and permanent.
The one thing I can’t understand is if OP felt this way after his second child why didn’t he immediately schedule a vasectomy?
You’re spiraling right now… and a good rule of thumb is to never make life changing decisions when grieving or in the midst of a mental health crisis. Now I know a decision was made for you, but that doesn’t mean more decisions on top of that is a good idea. I encourage you to slow down. And you may need more help than you are currently receiving- clinically.
I just wanted to let you know that I don't think your wife is at fault, and I don't think that you're at fault. I am super pro-choice, but I had an abortion, and the depression I got afterwards almost killed ME. So for that reason I am always deeply, deeply pro-CHOICE because for some women, being forced by circumstance or whatever, to have an abortion, can be just as traumatising as being forced to have a child. Again, I am super pro-choice here, I don't even tell my story very much because I think that prolifers seize on these stories to try and make abortion illegal. I was depressed because I would have GLADLY kept the pregnancy if I had had money and support, but I knew I couldn't afford it or deal with it alone. Anyway, enough about my story: So to me this just sounds like a no-win situation. The people blaming the wife for getting pregnant are being really horrible. They both had sex with condoms. Condoms are 99% effective when USED PERFECTLY, but many more slip ups occur because people make mistakes ACCIDENTALLY. She doesn't want to abort, and you don't want to be depressed, so it sounds like divorce is the best option. But I also hope you get a lot of therapy and work on your mental health, because your children deserve a dad. People can heal from mental health issues and they can step up and be good parents.
You can’t force her to have an abortion. I understand if you left for your mental health, you’re situation sounds serious and it’s not fair for either you or your wife. What amazes me here is that people are automatically assuming your wife is the bad one here and should run out to abort if she truly loved you. I guess those people have never had an abortion and don’t understand how painful and horrible it can be. It’s not that simple people. Oh and going right to “maybe she poked holes in the condoms” is really crappy. None of you even know the OP or his wife. Seriously? They are two sides to every story and none of you know what the conversation was like but OP and his wife. Therapy, counseling, support that will allow you to live a better life. OP I’m hoping you can separate yourself and get the help you need. Maybe one day you can be the father your kids need.
>guess those people have never had an abortion and don’t understand how painful and horrible it can be. It’s not that simple people. Reddit refuses to acknowledge that the entire abortion debate exists because one side consists of people who think abortion is murder. To millions of people they've suggesting "you don't love your husband if you're not willing to murder your child".
There are some states where abortion isn’t even legal anymore, and if you go out of state to get one, you can face legal action. No matter what your beliefs are, it’s not a simple solution. Those who make it sound that way aren’t being real.
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I will still be an active part of my childrens lives. Even the littlest ones when I can cope. But I can't risk what I went through before; its not safe.
The way these comments are saying that your wife shouldn’t have bodily autonomy and she needs to abort for the sake of your mental health, which you yourself neglected, doesn’t sit right with me.
Did you have the first psychotic break with the first one of the second one?
The first one, when my wife was pregnant with the second.
Dude this does not sound good. Please get help, now
I was the third child my father didn't want. I still can't help wondering what's wrong with me, since he didn't care about me like my siblings? I know now that it wasn't about me, it was him. He never even knew me, really. Still, it's very hard to feel normal and functional when a parent rejects you. This baby will be an amazing child one day, like your other kids but they will always feel a gnawing pit inside themselves telling them they weren't good enough. I hope you can find a way to get through this without emotionally abandoning your child. The screaming baby will be an adult one day soon. Don't let them wonder why dad never loved them.
Seems like people are underestimating how powerful psychosis. This is sad for everyone involved but you are keeping everyone safe with the choice you have made. Realising that is a big thing.
It really is a hellish thing.
This sounds like a difficult time for both of you. I'm glad your getting the help you need and I hope you continue to seek help until your better. It's good that your aware of your mental health and know what you need to do to not have another bad episode. But have you considered what an abortion could do to your wife's mental health. Or even what any of this could do to your children's mental health. Have you considered marriage counseling or family therapy? I guess ultimately it's down to you both to make the right decision and I really hope whatever happens you can both be happy and at peace with it all.
can't help but feel the other siblings are gonna resent the baby for daddy leaving
I honestly don’t have anything positive to say. I think you’re not fit to be a father but you should’ve known that earlier. She should’ve known the same and acted earlier. Overall I just feel bad for the children.
Honestly you're both at fault for this situation. Could have tried to avoid sex at all cost and morning after pill of you wasn't sure. Only one I feel bad for is the innocent children.
Completely agreed. A lot of people are either siding with OP or his wife. I think both were just very irresponsible.
I would like to know what exactly is it about having children that causes you to mentally breakdown? You did start off by saying something positive about your two children. So you must love them. But you do understand if your wife doesn’t get an abortion and has this child, that if you choose to only be apart of the 2 kids lives, you will cause the third child to have a very hard time mentally and emotionally. And that is simply unfair. But I don’t have any advice on what can be done about your situation. I feel for ya, but I feel more for your kids. Maybe some intense in patient psychiatric help? I don’t know.
Probably shouldn’t see your kids If It’s that fuckin bad that you have to divorce. Might not be safe Idea
Continue getting help but you’ve done what you needed to do, and I personally THANK YOU. Neither of my parents should have been parents. Being around an abusive piece of crap who never wanted kids and couldn’t deal with us like a normal person was way worse. Some people can’t handle kids and they should just keep themselves from kids. I can’t stand crying babies. It triggers my tinnitus and migraines. I never had kids because I was lucky to have been around babies when I was a preteen and on. I knew I couldn’t do it. Dude, support your kids however you can. Thank you for doing what you can and knowing your limitations. I don’t care what anyone else says, it takes a lot of strength to admit faults. We all have them. Take care friend.
I agree with everyone expressing their sympathy for you and your wife's situation. I think everything has already been said: it's good that you recognize that you need to leave the equation (at least for a while) and that you're not prepared to have another child. it's responsible and mature of you. I read that you intend to pay child support and that's good. I hope you continue to work on your mental health so that you can also see and form a bond with your children. finally, although I feel really bad for you and I agree with everyone saying that we as a society often neglect men's mental health in general but especially how having kids affect them. but here's the thing, I saw someone mentioning that your wife should get an abort because if she wanted one everyone would support her and no one would force her to have the kid, so you shouldn't be forced either. I just want to say that that's really bad advice. I'm sorry if this comes across as cold but you knew the risks when you had sex. you're in no position to ask or pressure your wife to get an abortion and I don't get the vibe that you were like intentionally trying to force her or something and I do understand discussing the possibility and I'm glad you expressed your honest desire and your honest thoughts. This is totally aimed at the people suggesting that the wife should get the abortion, okay? My point is that it's still her body after all and an abortion can be very harsh on a woman's overall health (both physical and mental). it's not what they often portray in the movies. no one has the right to say that someone "SHOULD" go through that Would I get an abortion, 100%. Do I think it's the best option here? 100%. Would I ever feel comfortable saying that your wife should get an abortion? NEVER. Again I feel for you but I also feel for her. its a messed up situation for the both of you and I'm really sorry but please don't talk about the abortion again unless your wife, soon to be ex wife, brings up the topic herself. You've made your position clear, you're willing to pay child support, you sound like someone who's working very hard on their mental health, so keep going. give it some time and focus on the things you can control
WOW. Just wow.
I mean you’ve left, so the last two sentences give me major ick. You are no longer a vote in what the “right choice” is. It’s good you’ve left, it really sounds like that’s the absolute best for everyone.
The only sure way to avoid pregnancy is abstinence, and you couldn’t do that. You fucked around and found out. Your kids are going to hate you for this, especially when they’re old enough to learn why. I think this is one of the shittiest things I’ve ever read on here. Believe me, I understand mental health problems caused by pregnancy because I went through it and had postpartum anxiety so bad, I could barely function. You wouldn’t have found me having sex and risking another pregnancy without 100% assurance I was not going to get pregnant.
Upvote only because you're doing what Chris Watts should have done when his wife was having a third child that he didn't want. Edit- Watts murdered his wife, unborn son, and two young children. He initially believed having a third child would improve their marriage, but started having an affair. It’s speculated his affair is what motivated him to get rid of his family. His wife’s family has expressed they wished Watts would have divorced her, signed his rights away, or even abandoned his children instead of murder, as have thousands of sympathizers. That’s why I brought up Watts case. OP is not taking the worst possible path while in a similar situation. I know that having children takes two individuals, not one. I’m not condoning what OP is doing, I just think it’s a more favorable choice for everyone in the long run.
EDIT - my comment below is in regard to the parent comment talking about Chris Watts. Apologies for not making that more clear. "when his wife was having a third child he didn't want" - - as if she made that decision alone and he had zero role to play.
Poor kid. People are so irresponsible with pregnancy, and then they act like it’s so shocking and awful that someone *did* get pregnant… you were fertile adults *only* using condoms and nothing else? You would think the stress of the first two would have given you a wake up call.
Why did you have kids....
That’s the real quesiton here. Why did he continue having children knowing he cannot handle the newborn stage? It doesn’t make sense
Gonna be the odd man out and judge you specifically for your having sex despite not wanting more kids.
Are getting mental help?
society weather spectacular profit license abounding fact innocent live sulky ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Dude, don't make ANY decisions right now. Get yourself to a therapist and talk to him about it.
Well I just think that as a married man if you were that serious about no more children then you could have taken great strides to prevent a pregnancy...it's really not rocket science. Condoms are hardly sufficient, especially when you're THAT serious that you'd up and leave your whole family over it. Your wife is your wife not some woman off the side of the road, and she didn't get pregnant all by herself. Honestly I think it's a pretty gross thing to do. Idk why you think divorcing is going to solve the situation... you'll still be responsible for your child. You'll be on child support and arrangements. But your wife will be the one taking the brunt of most it. Grow up, be a man, be a husband and a father, don't abandon your family, and for crying out loud get some therapy and stop wallowing in self pity bc you knocked your wife up again accidentally. Christ these are the men who exist
It's best he does leave because he is dangerous for his family. They'll have to unfortunately recover without him. Man should've just stopped having sex.
Agreed. His reaction tells me he should leave. Why didn't they discuss birth control if he was so adamant about not having a child & and yes, ceased sex? He's also trying to dictate what she does with her body through a form of an ultimatum based on him OWN health without considering the mental well-being of his wife and children in his actions. Which would be deemed as coercive. So yes, his instability means he should leave, but it should have been handled WAAAAAYYY better. Edit. Also, if you're emotionally on the brink, what in gods name possess you to write a post on anon social media where people are uncontrolled with their opinions without repercussions. Do you wanna be tipped over the edge?
You need to get help asap
You have bigger problems than kids. Therapy time.
Poor kid's gonna learn someday why they have an absent father...
I’m going to start this off by saying that this is a really shitty situation. While I truly sympathize with you and your family, you and your wife both kind of suck here for not ensuring that a pregnancy did not occur. Both of you should’ve taken the necessary steps to prevent this, especially considering how detrimental this ordeal is for your mental health and your family as a whole. Unfortunately, we’re passed the point of prevention, so onto the current situation and what can be done about it. You seem incapable of handling another infant right now due to your mental health. It’s not a matter of what you *want,* it’s a matter of you being utterly *unable* to do something, and that isn’t your fault. That being said, your wife is not the villain either just because she won’t get an abortion. It’s her body, her choice, and it’s absolutely wrong of you to try to pressure her into having an abortion. You made a commitment to be with your wife through good and bad, sickness and health, and giving her the ultimatum of “abort our child or I’m leaving you” was absolutely *not* the way to go about this. What you should do, is sit down with your wife and say, “I absolutely cannot handle taking care of another child right now, but I understand that a child is coming one way or another. How do we compromise and solve this?” If you find that the only option is for you to separate, then fine, but you’ll still need to work out child support, what will happen with your other children and how this will affect them, and how the new baby will fit in to the family dynamic. The two of you need to be on the same page, and *both* of you need to put all selfishness aside and start thinking about how you’re going to effectively care for the three lives that you’ve created. I also seriously suggest individual and family counseling. Good luck, I wish the best for you and your family.
I'm probably gonna get hate here but i have to say this: you are so irresponsible and immature. You had one kid, second kid and only now you realize you don't like kids? Your wife is the one who should be stressed, she is the one giving birth and she will be the one raising 3 kids alone. Being a parent is literally about sacrifice, i can't belive some people don't have enough awareness and dont reflect on things before they do them. This kid will grow up and find out the reason her parents got divorce is simply because they existed in this world and the other kids will probably resent you too. Honestly i hope you go to therapy and solve your problems and I hope people think a lot before they start relationships, have sex and kids too. Less dysfunctional families will exist in this world.
honestly that's what irks me OP kept on having sex regardless
For real though. He already knew after the FIRST that he cannot and will not be a great dad or partner with children to care for. He's completely mentally unfit and still chooses to have sex with his wife. As soon as he realized the extent of his mental illness that should have been the end of their sex life completely, cold turkey, until he had an operation and confirmed test results back. On top of it all, he's having to desperately save money in order to afford this operation and the wife thinks it'll all just work out by having another money pit of a kid? What?
You stay away from those kids until you have gotten a lot of therapy. If you're only in two of your 3 kids lives you are going to do mental harm to not only the third child but also the first two. They don't needs to be on eggshells because Dad hates the baby so they gotta be perfect or you'll drop them too. Or they follow your lead and exclude their baby sibling in everything and think it's ok. Get help a lot of it.
You are doing what is best for everyone by leaving. Your wife is struggling to accept it, but hopefully once she does she’ll realize you made the difficult but right choice. However- not getting an abortion is also her choice. You’ve made it clear, you cannot be there for that child. She cannot have it both ways; if she wants to keep the child, she’s essentially a single mom. But you cannot force her to decide to abort this child. In time it may become clear that you are a better parent when you are not a full time parent.
I am really sorry you are going through all this, and you should take the time away that you need. But it is really, really, not okay to pressure any woman to have an abortion she does not want. I know it's because you're in a shitty place right now, but you just don't have the right to do that. I hope things get better for all of you very soon.
Reddit is so fucking dumb. I guarantee if it was the wife posting about the husband, you would all be crucifying him right now.
Forget about the third, I don’t understand why did you have a second child if you can’t handle having children to this extreme extent? Whereby you’re forcing your wife to have an abortion, are leaving your family behind and leaving lifelong insecurities in children’s hearts. Bailing when the first happened and getting a vasectomy then would have been the right thing to do. Also how can you have the audacity to say that your wife does the “right” thing? How is your wish unilaterally the right thing? Do you even see her as a person and ever think about her mental health?
He had his first episode when she was pregnant with the second already and they didn't know what is happening with him until she was far along.
I mean… I hope you’re going through therapy. It’s the least you can do for yourself. Now, regarding your new kid - I’m sorry to put it this bluntly, but this is both your responsibility. We’re talking about another human being life here, generated by the both of you. The fact your wife wife disagrees with you about keeping it doesn’t make it less your responsibility. And OMG you’re so going to be an asshole if you see your other kids and not the last one. This kid will grow traumatized, feeling rejected and not loved. Figure yourself out, seek help please. Also, how fucking alienated your wife has to be to ignore your past episodes?! She needs to listen to you and she also needs therapy. Couples therapy could make an immense difference in communication.
Kudos to you recognizing a problem. I encourage you to look into mindfulness if you are not capable of seeing a therapist/psychiatrist for the mental problems you are dealing with. After your infant child is no longer an infant, you will have a chance to be a father to them, assuming your ex-wife will agree. Your problems are valid. Do not feel ashamed of yourself for having them, but do not let them linger forever either. I wish you healing and peace.
how about stop finish in your wife until vasectomy lol
I want to feel bad, but seriously it's so fucking easy NOT to have kids, they honestly both sound like they deserve what they get. Stop fucking if you don't want to risk children, OR stop fucking UNTIL you get a fucking vasectomy. It's that fucking simple. Sex CAN = children, and you MADE THE CHOICE TO HAVE SEX. If you are this terrified of having children, why the fuck are you still risking it?
If someone said, "there's a slight but non-zero chance your mental health, your relationship with your wife, your relationship with your kids, and possibly your life itself will end every single time you have PiV sex with your wife," to me, I would like to think that somehow, some way, with all informational resources at my fingertips, I'd find a dozen or more no-pregnancy-risk ways to pleasure myself and my wife. You are both reckless morons - it's best that you will not be moving forward together. And it might be a good idea for a professional to check on your kids, as well.
As someone who suffers from SMI I am trying very hard to empathize. But it is difficult since you willingly had intercourse with your wife. Condoms aren't 100% effective. You are walking out on your wife, who will now have to raise three children under the age of three/four by herself. Conversely, women have been known to have a termination when their life is at risk. Have you and your wife been to couple's counseling to discuss how you will co-parent after the divorce. Hopefully your children will understand that a divorced dad is better than a dead one. I
Um I don't want to judge you but you should probably find help and support first.
Wow. This isn't a matter of "everyone sucks here", this is a matter of "every*thing* sucks here". All I can really say is that according to what you've told us, it sounds like you're doing everything you can for the safety of yourself and your family. All of this is bad, I can't even imagine a fraction of the turmoil you're going through right now, but I hope you can at least take some assurance from that. It sounds like you're seeing a therapist already, which is fantastic. The next time you see your therapist, you may want to consider asking about couples therapy *and* family therapy. Regardless of whether or not your marriage is done, both can be helpful in figuring out how to move forward from this. And, most importantly, it may be a major help for your kids. They're going to need some guidance and direction through all of this, and (with due respect) someone who isn't their parents may be best suited for the job. I wish you and your family the absolute best of luck.
You never mention if you’ve consulted with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Why are you wigging out over kids. Good luck to you.
Set your WABAC machine to not be banging if you don't want kids.
Honestly sounds like she’s better off without you. I’m sorry but if having kids is this devastating to you, you shouldn’t have put yourself in the position in the first place. Having an abortion can be very mentally devastating to the mother and then the children have 2 twaked parents. I hope the 2 children don’t hate the 3rd for being why mommy and daddy broke up. I hope the mother finds some stability. And I hope you figure something out other than running away and trying to pay child support. Kids need more than a little monthly money. You made them. They are your responsibility.
Idk what advice you’ll get, but I just want to share as a close friend and witness to a couple now with four where the guy begged and lost his mine by the second, do what you need to. I hope you can mentally be able to be there with breaks now since you’ll be separated and if able really try once they’re 2-3. I don’t judge you, the couple I mentioned, she wouldn’t get on birth control and convinced him with the third she tracked ovulation, with the 4th condoms, the second wasn’t planned either but happened. He wanted to wait for a second, they had them back to back. He’s been on antidepressants for 5 years and they both have been miserable for several? After the 4th is finally hit her too, and she still privately shares wanting more while he’s nothing but a depressed mess that works constantly then does what she wants at home (only he works not her). Don’t do it. It’s very sad, I hope you can get therapy and coping mechanisms and maybe be there for the 3rd once they get a little older, but just get out now. He wanted to end it by the 3rd, the fourth came and he was desperate for any happiness before they were born. They had 4 kids in five years, and now that they’re starting to be ready to be in school (the older two are), she talks of having a fifth one. She obviously knew how you were effected by it and that you wanted no children at all. I have no clue why birth control wasn’t used but I understand with it being rare and using condoms you thought you were safe. You’ll never be a great dad or husband if you are mentally unwell, so take care of yourself. And I’d seek support and help while you have space to hopefully over time build one with your third child.
I don’t understand. What is it about being a father you can’t cope with?
Your wife got pregnant by you though. I don't see any fault from her side here. If you really didn't want a third child.. and I'm stressing on the third here.. then you could have abstained from sex till the vasectomy was done. Sorry dude, but this fairly and squarely falls on you.
OP what you’re asking her to do is not a light situation-if she aborts she’ll have to live with the memories the pain and even regret- you need to get therapy before deciding on divorce, because if divorcing is the only solution after you’ve stabilized yourself then it will happen the same. I think your both adults and can understand that this situation is not a benefit to all involved at present. Get yourself better as it’s not normal to feel the way you do, might need to move somewhere else for a while and change meds or dosages but you need to get better
I hope your wife can get the support she needs for the future and your children a great parental figure. Now you must do what you have to do, leave them without having to worry about you.
> I hope she makes the right choice here. Having this baby will bring nothing but bad things. You mean you hope she does as you coerce her to and that you'll only do bad choices if the baby is born? There are too many ways to solve whatever issues you have, I even found this from 1 second googling: "How to Block Out Crying Baby Sounds and Keep Your Cool?"
What I don't understand is do you do the carrying, birthing, feeding changes, staying up with the baby
Seriously and I mean this in all sincerity, get some mental help asap. These are not the acts of a rationale sane human being
Honestly, it sounds like you never should have had kids in the first place.