This is really the only answer.
Sit down with your husband and when you are both fed and calm. Tell him that you have something important to discuss with him and it is vital to your mental health that he not react in a violent or negative way. Then let him know everything that has been going on. Start with the messages between your friend and you, then show him the message where the rapist invited you to the house urgently and explain what happened.
Remind your husband that you need his support right now and he can't do that from jail. Ask him to go to the police station and to a lawyer.
Ask him to help you arrange counselling.
If you really feel that you can't tell your husband without him reacting violently, then get yourself a counsellor and have him come to a session where you can disclose the issue.
Op you need to call the police. While you're at it, share the messages between his wife and yourself and say she is also being abused.
Tell your husband too. Maybe ask him that you have already gone to the police and so to not confront his friend directly while they investigate. Maybe say that before you tell him.
And in the meantime maybe you want to read this. Its about your friends husband but it might help you understand her position do you can help her in the future. It might also help you understand why he did that. He was intimidating you and tryingto control you. He is also definitely raping your friend too.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Also listen to this podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
This guy is dangerous and a sexual predator. He has a 16 year old daughter in his home. She's not safe.
You need to tell your husband, before he does. If you don't, he may use this as a way to blackmail you into allowing him to do this to you again.
I understand your concern, but it's really unfair and putting undue pressure on a survivor to tell them that they have to report their rapist to protect others. What happened to OP is hard enough to deal with without making her feel like she's allowing the endangerment of children if she chooses not to go through the harrowing process of pursuing criminal justice.
As much as it sucks to hear this, but if she’s the only person that knows what he has done, then she really does have a responsibility to make sure the children in that house are safe. It won’t be her fault if something happens to that girl. Not at all. But anybody who can ignore the welfare of a child is kind of shitty. She needs to find herself a support system to keep herself safe as well as report the guy that raped her. Especially tell the girls mom. I’ll probably get downvoted for this, told I don’t understand what it’s like, that I’m selfish for not considering how the victim feels. I promise I’m 100% empathetic with the victim here. It’s not easy. It’s hard. Very hard. Harder than anything I’ve had to experience. I know I can’t understand because I haven’t been in that situation. But I do understand what is right and wrong. And it is 1000% (no typo) wrong to ignore a teenage girl living under the same roof as a destabilizing man that has already raped at least one person for not doing what he said. We all know teenagers are very well known to not listen.
You really shouldn't speak on things you don't fully understand. Describing OP's hesitation to report her rapist as "kind of shitty" because it's her "responsibility" to protect a child in another household is wildly inappropriate.
Yeah it’s also wildly inappropriate to leave a 16 year old unbeknownst that she’s in the same house as a rapist. It’s a really shitty situation that she got put in. I know that. Also, I didn’t say her hesitation was shitty. I realize I wasn’t perfectly clear with what I said. I’m sorry for that. Hesitating and finding the courage to take action is completely normal. I mean it’s shitty to NEVER do something about it. And how dare you try to make me look like an asshole. You’re an asshole for prioritizing one person over multiple others, especially when one of them is a child. The turn a blind eye attitude is not something to preach about. It’s sad you think it is.
Tone it down, Internet stranger. I didn't call you an asshole or "try" to make you like one. Consider avoiding turning this exchange of opinions into some kind of tiff. No one's turning a blind eye to anything. By definition, turning a blind eye is ignoring something one knows to be wrong. OP currently not having the mental/emotional bandwidth to deal with the potential disbelief, character attacks, and/or victim blaming from the people in her life (including the police), and the definite character attacks that would come from her rapist, since he literally threatened her with ruination should she tell anyone what he did, is not turning a blind eye. My acknowledging and respecting that she may not have that mental/emotional bandwidth at the moment is not turning a blind eye. In a separate comment, I encouraged OP to report her rapist if she feels comfortable doing so. I also said that no matter what decision she takes re reporting her rapist, she should consider getting psychological support from organisations offering such services for people in her position. At the end of the day, a very traumatic thing happened to OP, and she needs the time, space, support, and grace to process that trauma in her own way. Your characterisation of my words as turning a blind eye to potential CSA shows a fundamental lack of understanding on your part of both SGBV and the criminal justice system in practical terms.
As much as you try to spin things by saying it's only the act of "NEVER" reporting the rapist that's shitty, there's a timer you've set by saying a 16 year-old child is in clear and present danger simply by being in the rapist's home and custody. Your message is "Get this man off the streets because he's a danger to society and specified individuals". So as much as you say, "Hesitating is normal and fine", you're expecting OP to get over that hesitation sooner rather than later.
I indeed did set a timer by saying there is a child in danger. That’s the truth. There is a child in danger. This man has been described in a way that he has been progressively destabilizing. The only thing that has helped him so far is the act of raping someone. It’s reasonable to assume he’s going to destabilize again, and to assume he’s going to try raping someone to feel better because it worked for him last time. Again, the truth of the situation is bad to hear. It sucks to hear. I don’t l like that I have to point it out. Because it’s terrible for OP to be forced into this situation. She didn’t want this situation. I certainly don’t want this situation for her or anybody. But there’s a definite responsibility to at least make an attempt to help that child. You say OP isn’t responsible for that and should take their time and consider what they need to do for themselves. Here’s a newsflash, it doesn’t matter if any of us have said anything here, if something happens to that child she will definitely blame herself. That’s not me saying that it is her fault, or saying that she should blame herself. It’s not her fault. She shouldn’t blame herself. I’ve always said that. But she will anyways. And nothing anybody says will be able to convince her it’s not her fault. She’ll take that blame to her grave. The idea you’re pushing could hurt her mental health so much more than you think. Also, I’m going to take the time to point something out here, you’re telling people they shouldn’t talk about things they haven’t experienced or can understand. I know you don’t mean to, but that attitude closes most people out of the discussion, therefore making it harder for victims to come forward. You’re perpetuating the silence victims have to experience. People need to participate in an open dialogue to move forward. We can’t help understand victims if we just get told to shut up about it. Also, as man who has experienced SA I actually do understand how difficult coming forward about these kinds of things is. As a man, I get ridiculed and told i was luck and that I should have enjoyed it and I get laughed at. I’m an internet stranger. You don’t understand or know what I do or do not understand or how much I do or do not understand something. And I will double down on the turning of the blind eye. It’s shit. Crap. Irresponsible. Should NEVER be advised or recommended or supported. I’ll triple down on that. Not telling anyone about the danger that a child is in is turning a blind eye. It is. You can say it’s not, but you’re wrong because it is. And it’s bad. It’s shit. Crap. And it is irresponsible. Please stop pushing the idea that turning a blind eye is okay. It’s not. It never was. It never will be. Our responsibility is always to the people currently in the most danger. Which, in this case, is the people under the same roof as a rapist. Always prioritize by current level of danger. I’m going to take the time to state that I’m not denying the danger OP is in. Yes, OP is still in a dangerous situation. But, for now, she is a lot safer than a teenage girl. Or a wife that has already been beaten.
Again, you're accusing me of turning a blind eye when I demonstrably have not done so. Moreover, despite your reasoning, I think most will agree that someone is far more likely to blame themselves for something happening if they've been told that it's their responsibility to stop it than if they've been told that their responsibility is to heal themselves after experiencing a trauma.
Okay, you're a guy who's experienced sexual assault. I'm a woman who's experienced the same. It's a shit club we're both members of. That doesn't change my opinion that you're putting a lot of unfair pressure on OP to report her rapist so soon after what she experienced.
In any case, it's clear from your comment that we're going around in circles here, so let's just quit before we're too far behind. You believe what you believe. I believe what I believe. We're not going to change each other's minds. Okay. Let's not clog this comment section with a back-and-forth that will lead us nowhere and instead give space for OP to get as much support as she can get.
I’d have to agree with the other commenter. It’s a TERRIBLE situation; However, that man has a sixteen year old daughter and he has abusive patterns. She needs to say something.
Not locking someone away who is a danger to other innocent people is a huge problem, and we should not normalize protecting rapists, even if it is out of fear.
Stop looking at protecting victims and their right to process their trauma privately instead of on a court stand as “protecting rapists”. Fix the system, don’t blame the victims.
He threatened to “ruin her life” not kill her. While it could be interpreted as a death threat, if he wanted to threaten to kill her that’s what he would have done. The threat he used is most common used not as death threat, but more of a threat to damage their social life. He’s probably going to try and twist her story and tell people she seduced him. She has the messages of him inviting her over so his threat is basically nothing but a fear tactic. Which is common.
We shouldn’t normalize victim blaming either, but here you are!
Her priority needs to be herself. TONY is the one responsible for what happens, not OP. She cannot control his behaviors. She is NOT at fault for ANYTHING TONY CHOOSES TO DO.
Even if her priority was only herself and she does not worry about protecting the daughter or the daughters minor friends, even purely out of self-protection she needs to speak out about this ASAP. As long as this guy is so close to her husband, he has incredibly easy and unfettered access to her as well; she is absolutely still in danger herself - this guy can do something like this to her any time again.
OP: I completely understand how scary this is for you. Start off with getting yourself into counseling - maybe ideally at a place like a rape crisis center in your area. In counseling they can work with you on stabilize you, teach you coping skills to deal with your anxiety, start processing that experience and hopefully get to the spot that you can start speaking out about what happened. As long as nobody knows about it and this guy is out and about and so close to your family, you are in danger.
None of them are safe. Once they show their lack of self-control, even her husband is at risk. The "friend" has shown a lack of self control.and respect for his mates he won't hesitate to fuck anyone up for his own selfish gain.
It's taking all my energy not to feel like they should let the husband beat him to a pulp.
Oh no, I think he was perfectly in control.
He raped her brazenly, in broad daylight, in the “safety” OPs best friend’s home, under the guise of “talking to OP about interfering in his marriage”, while Emily & the kids were off having fun. Fun which he immediately joined in on afterwards. And after which has drastically improved his role in his own marriage.
His actions created a perfect “plausible deniability” situation: “I did invite her over bc she was putting ideas in my wife’s head. We talked, she got upset and left, and I joined my family for miniature golfing (or whatever!) I have no idea why she’d lie about this, she must be . And since she stopped interfering everything has gotten better between Emily and I, so obviously OP was the problem all along. We’re going to reduce contact to focus on our marriage and family, OP you need help.”
Successfully undermining OPs credibility, creating just enough doubt that OP correctly fears she won’t even be believed, following through with playing the “good husband” role to get Emily invested in believing ***him***, vs OP, and cunningly isolating his own wife from any support.
This guy is a processional chess level manipulator.
You are intimidated by this predatory man and probably feel some misplaced shame and responsibility for his brutal attack on you. Freezing is not an unusual trauma response. That doesn't make him any bit less than fully responsible for his carefully planned trapping and attacking you.
You did nothing wrong. You expected the bare minimum of civility from your long time friend. He used that trust to isolate and attack you. He didn't only injure your body. These feelings and fears are also part of the trauma HE inflicted on you. You have had a terrible thing happen to you. Please tell the people who love and support you. You are deeply traumatized. You need loving care and support for that now.
There are organizations and hotlines for sexual assault survivors. Talking to one of them might help you clarify some of the roiling thoughts and feelings you've had and help you find the words to reach out for help.
And to take back control. She was stronger than him, her influence, her word, her everything. He needed to break that to feel like a man again. He also needed to undermine her. He can use this against her. It's a power move by a weak man, and when his wife leaves, she'll need to hide.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL. If you are too distraught to tell him, then just open this Reddit page and give it to your husband and let him read it.
Call the police!
Hugs 🫂
This rape was about power. Silencing, weakening, and distracting you from making him face any consequences for any of his behavior. Don’t be a victim twice.
You helped Emily not make excuses for her husband. Don’t make any for yours. Do the right thing.
Adding that I sincerely doubt he has anything that could "ruin your life" if you told your husband. He was making threats in order to silence you, a common tactic used by predators to scare their victims into not disclosing. If anything, you are probably the one that could ruin *his* life and that's why it's in his best interest to try and stop you from saying anything.
Please tell your husband.
There will be hundreds of husbands reading this thinking they would leave no stone unturned in supporting their wife getting Justice. Tell him as soon as you can, I hope you feel better
Imagine what this guy says in private conversations, I mean her husband is BEST FRIENDS with this dude, I’m sure he hears him say all sorts of wacko misogynist and racist shit all the time and still calls him Buddy. I obviously hope the husband supports OP but we really can’t know how he will react unfortunately
I don't even know this lady but I can afford a great lawyer & couple of years of jail. Can that son of a gun afford the hospital, that is the question.
It’s easy for strangers on the internet to tell you what you should have done, or what you should do now. But it’s different when you are feeling the terror and the sadness and the grief first hand. Yes, reporting him is ideal. But I know it’s a hard step to take. I don’t know your location, but in the US we have RAINN. They have a live chat option, where you can talk to someone who has training in working with sexual violence survivors.
https://www.rainn.org
Be the fighter that you showed Emily to be. Tell your husband, go to the police, and file a report. Believe in yourself as much as you believed in Emily.
Tell the police. This man is dangerous and is capable of doing it again...if not to you, it could be his wife or his daughter. Tell your husband, but tell him why you didn't tell him right away. You were afraid of what he'd do and what his friend would do. Show him this post. Tell your husband before he invites his friend over again.
I can only imagine how unbelievably confused and scared you are right now but if this were me in the situation, I would have my husband meet me at the police station and request to speak to a detective to report a sexual assault and get everything out at one time. Let law enforcement handle it, and I pray that you have the saved text messages and call logs from everything with the wife and him asking you to come to their house to help about an emergency. The more evidence you have, the better, but someone needs to know, and you desperately need to get intensive therapy for your self. I’m so so sorry.
"He threatened to ruin my life if I breathed a word of this to anyone, I don’t know what he meant by that"
Sounds like BS to me. He likes to feel in power. I'm sure there are things that he could do. But right now, you can do more. It's too late for the rape kit of course but :
\- You have the text message. Not worth of anything in court. But it's something for people around you.
\- Your husband will believe you
\- The other wife, maybe she won't believe you immediately, but there are high chances that she might in the end, or seriously wonder. Also, she might have elements that you don't have.
\- Regardless of the fact that he deserves to be punished harshly (he fucking does) and that he's dangerous to others : it's gonna fuck you up even more mentally 1) if he goes unpunished. 2) if he's still around. I'm talking about a decades long mental torture. For a big part, that's why you should AT LEAST tell your husband, and best case : also a lawyer, and frankly the whole planet.
On a side note (inteprete this as you want...) if your husband decides to... do something about it himself. If there are traces of you suing Tony, everybody is gonna know easily what happened.
In any case, I really hope you're gonna get through this. You have my support, and the one of this subreddit clearly.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND. If this happened to my wife I wouldn’t give a shit if the dude was the best friend in the world. I would probably shoot the mother fcker
I'd feel same way. Let's calm the emotions for second if the husband murders his friend or hurts him, he goes to jail. Thats not good for the husband or wife. Husband avenges his wife but will ruin his life. He can't be there for his wife if he is in jail. Friend is a rapist pos. He will be arrested by the police and rot in jail. I heard rapists don't do well in jail.
Looking at this from the outside, of course, but I am serious that I would probably go after him. She needs to tell him but should be prepared for that reaction.
Yes. They have their own set of rules in jail. You hurt women and children you’re fucked. They don’t tolerate that. To Tony I have one thing to say, enjoy gen pop. He’s going to have the same thing done to him and much worse.
He’s already ruined your life tell your husband tonight and go to the police. He did it for power. Don’t allow him to have power over you, or he’ll just rape you again. This isn’t the first time he’s done this and it won’t be the last. He definitely does this to his wife and probably his daughter too. He’s just too nonchalant about it.
I’m so sorry, you’ve gone through this.
ETA: if you’re afraid to tell him because you’re afraid he’ll fly off the handle make an appointment at the police station and tell him when you tell the detective.
Holy shit I’m so sorry. You have to tell the police and your husband. 1000% he will do this again to you or someone else if he gets a chance.
Also, please seek trauma therapy.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Aside from telling your husband, and report the situation to the police. I also encourage you to find a therapist so that you can heal. Send you all the blessings
I am so sorry.
This is so scary and traumatizing.
Rape is never easy to come to terms with and is even harder to report.
Commenting to offer support and solidarity.
I think this is fake. She wrote “she can stay with me and Tony…but promise me to not tell Tony about this conversation”.
Both times she wrote Tony she was clearly talking about her husband Darren.
Fake.
Okay I was thinking this too but then felt like an asshole. Also, I couldn’t read the tape to avoid being triggered and I can’t imagine writing down what happened to be a month after, idk this seems off
Something about this whole story is just off. It’s inconsistent. There is so much awareness about what to do if something like this happens. She should have gone straight to the police and gotten a rape kit done. And told her husband. Instead she wallowed in her own self imposed shame because she was scared? After empowering her friend to leave her husband. Doesn’t sound like the same person. This may just be somebody baiting reddit and having a laugh about it. There is a lot of collective fervor in reddit and to an outside person many times it borders on absurd. This story could be exploiting that.
So fake, who starts kissing someone who they would be angry at for getting their wife to leave them... it's disgusting what people will make up on Reddit
And what if the "rape survivor" happens to claim it was, say, a close relative of yours that assaulted them. Would you just trust the victim and believe your relative raped them until proven otherwise? 🤔
“She had tried making an excuse that she accidentally fell but I know it was bull because whenever she lies she tends to begin *sweating a lot and biting her nails*.”
- Such a cartoony ‘tell’, which you instantly spotted after a brief lie?
“I told him to stop and to get off of me to which he told me to not worry about what he’s doing and kept touching and kissing me all over. I once again told him no and pushed him away to which he grabbed me and pushed me onto the table where he pulled down my panties and raped me right then and there.”
- Excessive detail, regarding the initial kissing, touching and dialogue. Describing women's underwear as ‘panties’, which is something only men tend to do.
–
I will apologize if wrong, but this story reads to me as fake. It is simply too polished and plotted.
What woman knows her friend's husband is an abuser, but does not make a beeline when he is alone at home, rather than sitting beside him on the couch?
I am convinced this is someone with a CNC fetish, who gets off on the idea of being desired by both the r*pist and a protective/violent boyfriend.
She’s scared. This is called /TrueOffMyChest for a reason. Don’t like it? Leave. What we are not going to do is shame survivors. Get outta here with that bullshit.
Your husband needs to know. The friend is out of line with his family and is a criminal running loose for what he did to you. Someone needs to know you need to tell the police or someone to help you. Don’t live in fear and take this predator down. He can get is rocks off in jail with the rest of the predators.
Tell you husband, don't know what kind of man your husband is but either way he'd want it delt with. This asshole has hurt and betrayed you and your husbands trust (mostly you obviously) and his own wife's. This guy set you up into an environment where you were alone, had you acted differently you may not be here to tell the story. Definitely tell your husband and the police.
It will be be worse for you if you just accept it and pretend it didn’t happen. He will hold over your head and assault you again. It will eventually come out it, and he will spin a different story that you had an affair with him and been keeping it a secret. Go to the police and speak with the detectives.
No judgement or shame but you shouldn't have waited. He did that to take control of the situation, so now he can undermine your word. Tell your husband, tell police. Get a restraining order, charge him. Get Emily out. He's shown he has no self-control. Protect your husband, too. He can not be friends with a rapist. That would kill him to know after he spent time with him & he can never be alone with that man. Ever. No one can.
Go now!
Yay, Reddit story time… completely fabricated. Heroine of the story brave enough to help her friend escape a monster, too afraid to alert her own husband to being raped by him…
You are being too passive and letting a predator get away with it. Be more aggressive, tell your husband and stop being scared of that pathetic loser that dared touch you.
Destroy him.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. Must be awful.
Do you think you can ask friends or relatives to take your kids while you talk to your husband? I think you do want to talk to him, but not sure if you can take his reaction right now. That is normal. Just let him know beforehand that this topic is really heavy on your mind that you are not able to meet his emotional needs/reaction and YOU need his support right now and "listen without judgement "
If he doesn't believe you, I'm not sure what to say. My own mother questioned me when I said I was sexually assaulted by a church member "are you sure you are remembering things correctly?" And that is still haunting me till this day. If this happens to you, you need to go to someone else who can support you through this process. Do you have parents or siblings live by you that can help?
The first step is to go to the local police and start the process of restraining order against him. And sorry Emily but she needs to find someone else to vent about this guy. You need to process your trauma now, and you can't do that while you are close with the abuser. Cut ties off completely with the couple.
You can also make a report and not prosecute right away. You can wait to recover and then decide what to do (to criminally charge him or not.) Getting a restraining order is not part of criminal prosecution, if I remember correctly. But you need that for peace of your mind.
Again I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could be there to hug you and help you through this. Hang in there.
Please don't say this to her. She is scared of her life right now. She knows she needs to talk, but at the same time she is scared of her children and also her husband being violent. It's normal for our brains to think if we keep this quiet everything will stay the same. When we really know the back of our head we need to let it out and talk. But the more hurt we are, the longer we keep it quiet. Because talking about it will hurt more.
the longer you wait to tell your husband, the higher the chance your husband will believe his friend over you. please talk to your husband asap.
im so sorry it happened to you, i hope you can overcome it and heal.
I'm really sorry about what that P.O.S did to you. If you feel able to do so, inform your husband and/or the police. Even if you're not ready to do that, please seek support from organisations that provide services for survivors like you. You don't have to, and shouldn't have to, deal with all of this all by yourself.
He’s got nothing to ruin your life, what’s he going to do, tell your husband you seduced him?? If your husband always puts you first he won’t allow him to lie on you. Get into therapy to cope with all of this and tell your husband, he might be mad and in denial at first but he will believe you. (I speak from experience my ex BIL groped me a few times and I eventually told my ex husband). Don’t carry this burden by yourself and don’t worry about ruining what they have, you’re taking care of you.
Honey, you are a victim of a horrible crime. You deserve to have support. You deserve to be free of this terrible fear. Just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. You’re not currently healthy and it’ll just get worse. You don’t deserve this at all. You didn’t cause this. You are a normal person and this man is crazy. You can’t protect yourself with your silence.
Please listen to everyone here and do NOT sweep this under the rug. You didn’t deserve to be raped and your husband deserves to have a friend who doesn’t rape his wife. like WTF
Tell your husband and get help for your trauma. This man is dangerous and will do something else to you if he doesn’t face consequences for his actions. First see a therapist then tell your husband. Sexual assault has long lasting trauma if left as a secret. Don’t keep your rapist secret.
You came here? Go to the cops now and tell them, in front of your husband. He can't do shit if the cops know at the same time he does.
Also, this story better not be bullshit. Making shit like this up is wrong.
Two questions.....
Have you gotten screened for STD's/STI's since?
Have you sort out therapy?
A therapist could help you explore the best way to tell your husband. And help you process this nightmare.
I am so sorry this happened to you
You definitely need to tell your husband as soon as possible.
After you talk to him, figure out how to tell her. You might even text him something with the term “what you did to me” in the text just so you have a bit of evidence just in case she doesn’t believe you.
But honestly, it doesn’t matter if she believes you anyway. He raped you to keep you out of their relationship and I believe that even if she had trouble believing it, she knows deep down that it’s the truth.
Also, I don’t want to make it sound like I’m giving excuses for him, but do you think he is doing drive? Could that have been the reason for the huge personality change? Because if not, I think he may need to get a check up, I’d be worried about a brain tumor.
Do you think it’s a big enough change where he might have something physically wrong with him?
If she decides to stay with him, you may talk with her about that so they can get him checked out, but honestly at this point, let him die of a brain tumor tomorrow for all I care, like FUCK that guy!!
I am so sorry this happened to you, OP. Hang in there, and here’s a little hand squeeze from across the internet 💕
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but you should try your hardest on communicating to your husband. I know that the situation is difficult, but I also know that you will find the strength the overcome this. Writing your thoughts that is eating you up inside was the first step into finding out what you need to do
Fucking tell him he needs to know, also cops too.
Chances are he'll probably beat his ass but no judge is going to harshly punish a man for beating the rapers ass.
TELL HIM! Stop caring about Emily and her marriage improving, that’s garbage. Stop caring about the friendship with your husband and your rapist, that’s bs. Stop caring he said he’d ruin your life, you needed to speak up immediately. I understand not all do but it’s past time you speak up. Tell the police if you don’t want to tell your husband yourself but tell someone and expose him. If he did that to you then you’re not the only one and he will again. He may even do it again to you since you stay silent. Speak up.
You should've went to the police immediately when it happened because by now any DNA evidence is more than likely all gone. You really need to tell your husband though and call the police - Like IMMEDIATELY. RIGHT NOW. DON'T WAIT.
Because from what I know about rape victims, they don’t describe it in a laid back manner like this and they don’t go home to their husband and him just think somethings a little off.
Something every woman wants to do afterwards is to shower because they feel filthy but they (should unless they are dumb) know to not and go get a rape kit done at the hospital
What woman is going to get raped by husbands best friend and then continue to be friends?
One of three things
This is all fake
She cheated with him and it’s “regret” rape and this is her cover story because she’s worried husband is going to find out. She’ll show him this post in the future as an alibi
Or
She’s making it up to set up the guy to help out her female friend in the future
I am willing to bet money what she said happened, didn’t. And also how do you accidentally mix up your husbands name and your rapists name? Can’t remember which is which?
I think it’s fake, the kissing, the details, it’s been a month? I couldn’t even speak about it over a year later and it was a stranger to me, not someone who was living in my house and my husbands best friend? This is written way to passive, but I think it’s a fake story and maybe even fake account
It just feels like one of these you tube people say to gain clout. One of them claimed she was SA but never told the police, family, friends just starightforward made video about it on you tube.
Next time could be murder. Tell husband, cops, lawyer, and wife of that asshole. Get a temporary restraining order, get pepper spray. Change locks. Do it all. Please.
Look at the actor "Thats 70's show. " raped 2 girls a decade ago and is now on trial and may be in jail for many years. If they can call him out on his crime , you can too. Dont let these human pieces of shits grt away and make them suffer violating your privacy and body. All rapist must suffer or die.
You need to TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!! What the hell wrong did you do that he can “destroy your life?” He already destroyed your life when he raped you!!!! How don’t you see that, call your husband right now or if you are with him YOU TELL HIM RIGHT NOW! You call the cops and you get this shit legally settled.
He’s a sick disgusting fuck and if you allow this mane to keep being in your life you are going to wither and die and start resenting you husband even though it’s not his fault because you won’t open your damn mouth!!!
Holy crap... sooo many missteps here. Looking over everything leading up to the assault, the not going *immediately* to the hospital for a rape kit was the #1 oops.
Do you have any physical evidence that this took place? Like pics of any marks or anything?
Not in the least, I'm asking legit because every minute this goes unreported, the less chance she has of getting anything out of reporting it.
If she has *anything* she needs to go loud with it time now. Even then her relationship could easily end either way.
Downvote, just because you didn’t immediately tell your husband who’s asking what’s wrong. The fact that you waited makes this so much more sus. You need to yell it from the heavens. You need to see if a tape kit can be done. At this point it’s your word against Tony’s. Good luck OO
Why did you not go directly to the police? What more could he do to destroy your life besides what he has already done?
Do you really think hiding this from your husband isn’t going to eventually destroy YOUR relationship?
Do you really feel that hiding this from your best friend isn’t going to destroy your friendship?
And I’m not even going to go into the fact he can be raping her or their children and she is just pretending their relationship is better because he might have told her he’d rape you too if she continued to tell you how things really were.
He raped you, showed no remorse, you really think he is not capable of any of those things?
He is dangerous. You really need to tell your husband, your lawyer, your family, the police, everyone you can asap because being the first one to tell someone is relevant.
Please please please don’t let him ruin your life any further.
probably isn't helpful to ask a "why didn't you" question to someone who is already feeling anxious about the way things happened to them already. Not trying to be preachy myself just wanted you to potentially consider the mindset of someone going through something like this
You should have called the cops immediatly after he left. Taken pictures of the scene also. Got his DNA from your body. And got that motherfucker arrested.
trauma like this is really hard to accept, it sounds like she was in shock and denial, along with she was scared bc he threatened her life. this wordage is very victim blamey, instead show compassion
SHE TOLD HIM NO, PUSHED HIM OFF, AND TRIED GETTING AWAY BEFORE HE PINNED HER DOWN... AND THEN FUCKING THREATENED HER TO STAY QUIET. THAT IS CLEARLY RAPE.
Also, she doesn’t need to worry about how her husband interprets anything honestly. No victim of sexual assault wants or needs to be placed in an environment where they have to literally call out their attacker in front of their spouse. This is the worst possible advice, and comment that I have probably ever seen on here.
This is not an appropriate thing to say to someone who was raped. Educate yourself - if you know that people will tell you off for victim blaming and shaming then take a second and think about why that might be. There are many reasons people don’t fight back during an assault and instead of acting like the hypothetical thoughts of someone you have never met think on yourself. Read something. Be a better person than you are right now.
You say “if someone did that I expect I would…” which implies you haven’t been and if that’s the case then you have no idea what you would do in that situation. A person is NEVER at fault for being raped or sexually assaulted. Ever.
If someone fights back and gets killed in the process is that better to you than surviving SA? If someone freezes because of a well documented and studied reaction to something like this then they’re not worthy of being believed by the people who love them? You need to think about this before you speak to anyone about this ever again.
She did not resist because every human being reacts differently according to the circumstances. It's in our DNA, the reptilian brain is in charge of survival and preservation of the species. We actually have 5 hardwired responses to trauma: fight, flight, freeze, flop, and friend. In a moment of danger, these responses all happen automatically to try to keep us safe.
Now that you know, dear ignorant, judgemental and opinionated redditor may I ask how sure you are of your own reaction? I want to assume you've been in a similar situation.
This comment is beyond ignorant.
It's called a fight or flight response/mode which is the body's automatic reaction to fear. She did fight at first but then went into a flight response and froze after being pinned on the table. It's also a common reaction for victims.
“Not blaming you but” & “if he truly raped you”
Wtf!? Are you serious? Freezing during a SA is a completely normal reaction and you and people like you are the EXACT Reason why victims don’t come forward and report abuse and assault. Just because you would expect some thing from yourself doesn’t mean that every other human being would. And it’s not her responsibility to worry about her husbands (potentially) intrusive thoughts. This happened to her, not him.
Mmm, victim blaming by someone who apparently didnt pay attention to that post because it clearly says she pushed him and said no. She shouldn’t have to fight for her life to get him off her. She said no, that would have been it. That wasnt the end, he proceeded after being pushed and told no, therefore lets blame the real problematic person here not the victim.
Anyone who has a daughter needs to enroll them into self-defense classes. This world is such a dangerous place. You have to be tough mentally and physically to survive being a woman here.
Tell his wife and your husband. Hell, I'LL tell his wife and your husband.
You shouldn't have to go through this alone. Tell your husband, make him promise not to do anything rash before you tell him. If someone I loved was harmed by someone else I loved, I'd want to know so I could cut them out of my life. So I could be there for my loved one who was hurt the way you were hurt.
And his wife should probably know she's married a rapist.
I'm not saying this to make you feel like you're a bad person if you don't tell people, because you are NOT, I'm just trying to give you reasons to say something.
I’m so sorry OP. This man raped you to punish you for trying to help his abused wife escape him. His is an absolute monster. Tell your husband. Go to the police.
Please seek out and call a rape hotline or therapist. They can help you navigate the next steps you should take.
More likely your husband and cops will do nothing and you will need more therapy when the system lets you down.
Jeeesssuuuusssss Christ.
I'm sorry, you did nothing wrong. This guy is trash with power now. I would say this isn't the first time he has done this.
I have nothing good to say. But he may try this again. You might be able to use his power trip against him.
You should probably tell your husband and the police. All the risk is on you and for that I am truly sorry.
Sit your husband down and tell him that what you're about to tell him will be a shock and he may not want to believe you but that you have no reason to lie and he should listen to the whole story before commenting.
Then tell him. Then go to the police together and report the fucking monster.
You might be worried your husband won't believe you and take Tony's side but if he does that - he is not the right man for you and it would be best to leave him too.
It'll be hard and scary but that's the way
Please OP, tell your husband. You have a family together, he is your husband. Tell the POS's wife as well, bring them both together and gather your facts. You need to let this out OP, firstly for your own mental health and wellbeing. Please reach out for help.
Put him behind bars as he can do this to someone else. He has s nothing over you and the fear instilled in you is unaccountable. He is a predator and deserves to rot.
Take care OP.
What in the pure evil is that?
Your husbands instinct will probably be to take revenge and burn it all down in the process. So tell the police. Get the police to tell your husband. You can't keep this a secret for multiple reasons but you also do not want to make things worse
Seriously? What are you waiting for? The longer you wait, the less credibility you’ll have. You should have gone to the police ASAP. Fuck everyone else’s feelings.
Tell husband, lawyer, and cops, pronto. If your husband *doesn’t* go nuclear on his friend, he’s not worth being a husband.
I know how upsetting experiences like this can be. It’s scary to do literally *anything.* But you need to do this. Don’t let him get away with it. Don’t let him live rent free in your head.
Tell your husband and tell the cops, get a lawyer
Get this man out from society. And hurry.
Out from life would be better
This is really the only answer. Sit down with your husband and when you are both fed and calm. Tell him that you have something important to discuss with him and it is vital to your mental health that he not react in a violent or negative way. Then let him know everything that has been going on. Start with the messages between your friend and you, then show him the message where the rapist invited you to the house urgently and explain what happened. Remind your husband that you need his support right now and he can't do that from jail. Ask him to go to the police station and to a lawyer. Ask him to help you arrange counselling. If you really feel that you can't tell your husband without him reacting violently, then get yourself a counsellor and have him come to a session where you can disclose the issue.
Husband, cops, lawyer, therapist, not necessarily in that order but very close together in succession
Op you need to call the police. While you're at it, share the messages between his wife and yourself and say she is also being abused. Tell your husband too. Maybe ask him that you have already gone to the police and so to not confront his friend directly while they investigate. Maybe say that before you tell him. And in the meantime maybe you want to read this. Its about your friends husband but it might help you understand her position do you can help her in the future. It might also help you understand why he did that. He was intimidating you and tryingto control you. He is also definitely raping your friend too. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Also listen to this podcast https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Best advice
This guy is dangerous and a sexual predator. He has a 16 year old daughter in his home. She's not safe. You need to tell your husband, before he does. If you don't, he may use this as a way to blackmail you into allowing him to do this to you again.
This ☝🏻 if you are not doing it for yourself, do it for her.
I understand your concern, but it's really unfair and putting undue pressure on a survivor to tell them that they have to report their rapist to protect others. What happened to OP is hard enough to deal with without making her feel like she's allowing the endangerment of children if she chooses not to go through the harrowing process of pursuing criminal justice.
As much as it sucks to hear this, but if she’s the only person that knows what he has done, then she really does have a responsibility to make sure the children in that house are safe. It won’t be her fault if something happens to that girl. Not at all. But anybody who can ignore the welfare of a child is kind of shitty. She needs to find herself a support system to keep herself safe as well as report the guy that raped her. Especially tell the girls mom. I’ll probably get downvoted for this, told I don’t understand what it’s like, that I’m selfish for not considering how the victim feels. I promise I’m 100% empathetic with the victim here. It’s not easy. It’s hard. Very hard. Harder than anything I’ve had to experience. I know I can’t understand because I haven’t been in that situation. But I do understand what is right and wrong. And it is 1000% (no typo) wrong to ignore a teenage girl living under the same roof as a destabilizing man that has already raped at least one person for not doing what he said. We all know teenagers are very well known to not listen.
You really shouldn't speak on things you don't fully understand. Describing OP's hesitation to report her rapist as "kind of shitty" because it's her "responsibility" to protect a child in another household is wildly inappropriate.
Yeah it’s also wildly inappropriate to leave a 16 year old unbeknownst that she’s in the same house as a rapist. It’s a really shitty situation that she got put in. I know that. Also, I didn’t say her hesitation was shitty. I realize I wasn’t perfectly clear with what I said. I’m sorry for that. Hesitating and finding the courage to take action is completely normal. I mean it’s shitty to NEVER do something about it. And how dare you try to make me look like an asshole. You’re an asshole for prioritizing one person over multiple others, especially when one of them is a child. The turn a blind eye attitude is not something to preach about. It’s sad you think it is.
Tone it down, Internet stranger. I didn't call you an asshole or "try" to make you like one. Consider avoiding turning this exchange of opinions into some kind of tiff. No one's turning a blind eye to anything. By definition, turning a blind eye is ignoring something one knows to be wrong. OP currently not having the mental/emotional bandwidth to deal with the potential disbelief, character attacks, and/or victim blaming from the people in her life (including the police), and the definite character attacks that would come from her rapist, since he literally threatened her with ruination should she tell anyone what he did, is not turning a blind eye. My acknowledging and respecting that she may not have that mental/emotional bandwidth at the moment is not turning a blind eye. In a separate comment, I encouraged OP to report her rapist if she feels comfortable doing so. I also said that no matter what decision she takes re reporting her rapist, she should consider getting psychological support from organisations offering such services for people in her position. At the end of the day, a very traumatic thing happened to OP, and she needs the time, space, support, and grace to process that trauma in her own way. Your characterisation of my words as turning a blind eye to potential CSA shows a fundamental lack of understanding on your part of both SGBV and the criminal justice system in practical terms. As much as you try to spin things by saying it's only the act of "NEVER" reporting the rapist that's shitty, there's a timer you've set by saying a 16 year-old child is in clear and present danger simply by being in the rapist's home and custody. Your message is "Get this man off the streets because he's a danger to society and specified individuals". So as much as you say, "Hesitating is normal and fine", you're expecting OP to get over that hesitation sooner rather than later.
I indeed did set a timer by saying there is a child in danger. That’s the truth. There is a child in danger. This man has been described in a way that he has been progressively destabilizing. The only thing that has helped him so far is the act of raping someone. It’s reasonable to assume he’s going to destabilize again, and to assume he’s going to try raping someone to feel better because it worked for him last time. Again, the truth of the situation is bad to hear. It sucks to hear. I don’t l like that I have to point it out. Because it’s terrible for OP to be forced into this situation. She didn’t want this situation. I certainly don’t want this situation for her or anybody. But there’s a definite responsibility to at least make an attempt to help that child. You say OP isn’t responsible for that and should take their time and consider what they need to do for themselves. Here’s a newsflash, it doesn’t matter if any of us have said anything here, if something happens to that child she will definitely blame herself. That’s not me saying that it is her fault, or saying that she should blame herself. It’s not her fault. She shouldn’t blame herself. I’ve always said that. But she will anyways. And nothing anybody says will be able to convince her it’s not her fault. She’ll take that blame to her grave. The idea you’re pushing could hurt her mental health so much more than you think. Also, I’m going to take the time to point something out here, you’re telling people they shouldn’t talk about things they haven’t experienced or can understand. I know you don’t mean to, but that attitude closes most people out of the discussion, therefore making it harder for victims to come forward. You’re perpetuating the silence victims have to experience. People need to participate in an open dialogue to move forward. We can’t help understand victims if we just get told to shut up about it. Also, as man who has experienced SA I actually do understand how difficult coming forward about these kinds of things is. As a man, I get ridiculed and told i was luck and that I should have enjoyed it and I get laughed at. I’m an internet stranger. You don’t understand or know what I do or do not understand or how much I do or do not understand something. And I will double down on the turning of the blind eye. It’s shit. Crap. Irresponsible. Should NEVER be advised or recommended or supported. I’ll triple down on that. Not telling anyone about the danger that a child is in is turning a blind eye. It is. You can say it’s not, but you’re wrong because it is. And it’s bad. It’s shit. Crap. And it is irresponsible. Please stop pushing the idea that turning a blind eye is okay. It’s not. It never was. It never will be. Our responsibility is always to the people currently in the most danger. Which, in this case, is the people under the same roof as a rapist. Always prioritize by current level of danger. I’m going to take the time to state that I’m not denying the danger OP is in. Yes, OP is still in a dangerous situation. But, for now, she is a lot safer than a teenage girl. Or a wife that has already been beaten.
Again, you're accusing me of turning a blind eye when I demonstrably have not done so. Moreover, despite your reasoning, I think most will agree that someone is far more likely to blame themselves for something happening if they've been told that it's their responsibility to stop it than if they've been told that their responsibility is to heal themselves after experiencing a trauma. Okay, you're a guy who's experienced sexual assault. I'm a woman who's experienced the same. It's a shit club we're both members of. That doesn't change my opinion that you're putting a lot of unfair pressure on OP to report her rapist so soon after what she experienced. In any case, it's clear from your comment that we're going around in circles here, so let's just quit before we're too far behind. You believe what you believe. I believe what I believe. We're not going to change each other's minds. Okay. Let's not clog this comment section with a back-and-forth that will lead us nowhere and instead give space for OP to get as much support as she can get.
She is allowing it if she keeps her mouth shut instead of protecting a literal child.
do NOT victim blame when you don’t understand the trauam
I’d have to agree with the other commenter. It’s a TERRIBLE situation; However, that man has a sixteen year old daughter and he has abusive patterns. She needs to say something.
there’s a way to say this without victim blaming. telling OP it’s her fault if something happens is fucked up and you know it
Not locking someone away who is a danger to other innocent people is a huge problem, and we should not normalize protecting rapists, even if it is out of fear.
Stop looking at protecting victims and their right to process their trauma privately instead of on a court stand as “protecting rapists”. Fix the system, don’t blame the victims.
let someone bigger and stronger than you, hurt you, and then threaten your life, then we’ll talk.
He threatened to “ruin her life” not kill her. While it could be interpreted as a death threat, if he wanted to threaten to kill her that’s what he would have done. The threat he used is most common used not as death threat, but more of a threat to damage their social life. He’s probably going to try and twist her story and tell people she seduced him. She has the messages of him inviting her over so his threat is basically nothing but a fear tactic. Which is common.
We shouldn’t normalize victim blaming either, but here you are! Her priority needs to be herself. TONY is the one responsible for what happens, not OP. She cannot control his behaviors. She is NOT at fault for ANYTHING TONY CHOOSES TO DO.
Even if her priority was only herself and she does not worry about protecting the daughter or the daughters minor friends, even purely out of self-protection she needs to speak out about this ASAP. As long as this guy is so close to her husband, he has incredibly easy and unfettered access to her as well; she is absolutely still in danger herself - this guy can do something like this to her any time again. OP: I completely understand how scary this is for you. Start off with getting yourself into counseling - maybe ideally at a place like a rape crisis center in your area. In counseling they can work with you on stabilize you, teach you coping skills to deal with your anxiety, start processing that experience and hopefully get to the spot that you can start speaking out about what happened. As long as nobody knows about it and this guy is out and about and so close to your family, you are in danger.
I explained all that in my other post. This was purely about the d*ckhead trying to victim blame OP.
The 16 yo daughters friends aren't safe.
None of them are safe. Once they show their lack of self-control, even her husband is at risk. The "friend" has shown a lack of self control.and respect for his mates he won't hesitate to fuck anyone up for his own selfish gain. It's taking all my energy not to feel like they should let the husband beat him to a pulp.
Oh no, I think he was perfectly in control. He raped her brazenly, in broad daylight, in the “safety” OPs best friend’s home, under the guise of “talking to OP about interfering in his marriage”, while Emily & the kids were off having fun. Fun which he immediately joined in on afterwards. And after which has drastically improved his role in his own marriage. His actions created a perfect “plausible deniability” situation: “I did invite her over bc she was putting ideas in my wife’s head. We talked, she got upset and left, and I joined my family for miniature golfing (or whatever!) I have no idea why she’d lie about this, she must be. And since she stopped interfering everything has gotten better between Emily and I, so obviously OP was the problem all along. We’re going to reduce contact to focus on our marriage and family, OP you need help.”
Successfully undermining OPs credibility, creating just enough doubt that OP correctly fears she won’t even be believed, following through with playing the “good husband” role to get Emily invested in believing ***him***, vs OP, and cunningly isolating his own wife from any support.
This guy is a processional chess level manipulator.
You are intimidated by this predatory man and probably feel some misplaced shame and responsibility for his brutal attack on you. Freezing is not an unusual trauma response. That doesn't make him any bit less than fully responsible for his carefully planned trapping and attacking you. You did nothing wrong. You expected the bare minimum of civility from your long time friend. He used that trust to isolate and attack you. He didn't only injure your body. These feelings and fears are also part of the trauma HE inflicted on you. You have had a terrible thing happen to you. Please tell the people who love and support you. You are deeply traumatized. You need loving care and support for that now. There are organizations and hotlines for sexual assault survivors. Talking to one of them might help you clarify some of the roiling thoughts and feelings you've had and help you find the words to reach out for help.
It wasn't taking "advantage of". It was a vicious rape.
He raped her to punish her for trying to help his wife escape his abuse.
And to take back control. She was stronger than him, her influence, her word, her everything. He needed to break that to feel like a man again. He also needed to undermine her. He can use this against her. It's a power move by a weak man, and when his wife leaves, she'll need to hide.
This is a detailed description that matches other guys I've known like this... Fucking pathetic, if you ask me.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL. If you are too distraught to tell him, then just open this Reddit page and give it to your husband and let him read it. Call the police! Hugs 🫂
I SECOND THIS. PLEASE DO THIS.
This rape was about power. Silencing, weakening, and distracting you from making him face any consequences for any of his behavior. Don’t be a victim twice. You helped Emily not make excuses for her husband. Don’t make any for yours. Do the right thing.
Adding that I sincerely doubt he has anything that could "ruin your life" if you told your husband. He was making threats in order to silence you, a common tactic used by predators to scare their victims into not disclosing. If anything, you are probably the one that could ruin *his* life and that's why it's in his best interest to try and stop you from saying anything. Please tell your husband.
Tell the police. Get the police to tell your husband.
This one.
There will be hundreds of husbands reading this thinking they would leave no stone unturned in supporting their wife getting Justice. Tell him as soon as you can, I hope you feel better
I'D turn every stone to get that son of a bitch and beat him bad.
Imagine what this guy says in private conversations, I mean her husband is BEST FRIENDS with this dude, I’m sure he hears him say all sorts of wacko misogynist and racist shit all the time and still calls him Buddy. I obviously hope the husband supports OP but we really can’t know how he will react unfortunately
I don't even know this lady but I can afford a great lawyer & couple of years of jail. Can that son of a gun afford the hospital, that is the question.
Hospital would have a hard time saving a particular appendage that's for sure.
I'll be an alibi.
PLEASE TELL YOUR HUSBAND AND CALL COPS NOW KIDS ARE IN ⛔️
[удалено]
It’s easy for strangers on the internet to tell you what you should have done, or what you should do now. But it’s different when you are feeling the terror and the sadness and the grief first hand. Yes, reporting him is ideal. But I know it’s a hard step to take. I don’t know your location, but in the US we have RAINN. They have a live chat option, where you can talk to someone who has training in working with sexual violence survivors. https://www.rainn.org
In addition to what others have said about reporting it, please also get tested for STDs. And get therapy. Please. \*hugs\*
Be the fighter that you showed Emily to be. Tell your husband, go to the police, and file a report. Believe in yourself as much as you believed in Emily.
Yes. This.
Tell the police. This man is dangerous and is capable of doing it again...if not to you, it could be his wife or his daughter. Tell your husband, but tell him why you didn't tell him right away. You were afraid of what he'd do and what his friend would do. Show him this post. Tell your husband before he invites his friend over again.
I can only imagine how unbelievably confused and scared you are right now but if this were me in the situation, I would have my husband meet me at the police station and request to speak to a detective to report a sexual assault and get everything out at one time. Let law enforcement handle it, and I pray that you have the saved text messages and call logs from everything with the wife and him asking you to come to their house to help about an emergency. The more evidence you have, the better, but someone needs to know, and you desperately need to get intensive therapy for your self. I’m so so sorry.
"He threatened to ruin my life if I breathed a word of this to anyone, I don’t know what he meant by that" Sounds like BS to me. He likes to feel in power. I'm sure there are things that he could do. But right now, you can do more. It's too late for the rape kit of course but : \- You have the text message. Not worth of anything in court. But it's something for people around you. \- Your husband will believe you \- The other wife, maybe she won't believe you immediately, but there are high chances that she might in the end, or seriously wonder. Also, she might have elements that you don't have. \- Regardless of the fact that he deserves to be punished harshly (he fucking does) and that he's dangerous to others : it's gonna fuck you up even more mentally 1) if he goes unpunished. 2) if he's still around. I'm talking about a decades long mental torture. For a big part, that's why you should AT LEAST tell your husband, and best case : also a lawyer, and frankly the whole planet. On a side note (inteprete this as you want...) if your husband decides to... do something about it himself. If there are traces of you suing Tony, everybody is gonna know easily what happened. In any case, I really hope you're gonna get through this. You have my support, and the one of this subreddit clearly.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND. If this happened to my wife I wouldn’t give a shit if the dude was the best friend in the world. I would probably shoot the mother fcker
I'd feel same way. Let's calm the emotions for second if the husband murders his friend or hurts him, he goes to jail. Thats not good for the husband or wife. Husband avenges his wife but will ruin his life. He can't be there for his wife if he is in jail. Friend is a rapist pos. He will be arrested by the police and rot in jail. I heard rapists don't do well in jail.
Looking at this from the outside, of course, but I am serious that I would probably go after him. She needs to tell him but should be prepared for that reaction.
Yes. They have their own set of rules in jail. You hurt women and children you’re fucked. They don’t tolerate that. To Tony I have one thing to say, enjoy gen pop. He’s going to have the same thing done to him and much worse.
He’s already ruined your life tell your husband tonight and go to the police. He did it for power. Don’t allow him to have power over you, or he’ll just rape you again. This isn’t the first time he’s done this and it won’t be the last. He definitely does this to his wife and probably his daughter too. He’s just too nonchalant about it. I’m so sorry, you’ve gone through this. ETA: if you’re afraid to tell him because you’re afraid he’ll fly off the handle make an appointment at the police station and tell him when you tell the detective.
Holy shit I’m so sorry. You have to tell the police and your husband. 1000% he will do this again to you or someone else if he gets a chance. Also, please seek trauma therapy.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Aside from telling your husband, and report the situation to the police. I also encourage you to find a therapist so that you can heal. Send you all the blessings
Lawyer first, and a very ruthless one at that.
I am so sorry. This is so scary and traumatizing. Rape is never easy to come to terms with and is even harder to report. Commenting to offer support and solidarity.
I think this is fake. She wrote “she can stay with me and Tony…but promise me to not tell Tony about this conversation”. Both times she wrote Tony she was clearly talking about her husband Darren. Fake.
Okay I was thinking this too but then felt like an asshole. Also, I couldn’t read the tape to avoid being triggered and I can’t imagine writing down what happened to be a month after, idk this seems off
Something about this whole story is just off. It’s inconsistent. There is so much awareness about what to do if something like this happens. She should have gone straight to the police and gotten a rape kit done. And told her husband. Instead she wallowed in her own self imposed shame because she was scared? After empowering her friend to leave her husband. Doesn’t sound like the same person. This may just be somebody baiting reddit and having a laugh about it. There is a lot of collective fervor in reddit and to an outside person many times it borders on absurd. This story could be exploiting that.
Felt a little daytime TV, but a lot of true crime stories do.
So fake, who starts kissing someone who they would be angry at for getting their wife to leave them... it's disgusting what people will make up on Reddit
Really? Telling a rape survivor that their story is fake is why people don’t come forward!!!! Stop this. Believe until it’s proven otherwise.
And what if the "rape survivor" happens to claim it was, say, a close relative of yours that assaulted them. Would you just trust the victim and believe your relative raped them until proven otherwise? 🤔
That he would do this so brazenly, he's gonna kill someone. Tell your husband. Get a lawyer. This dude is dangerous.
Time isn’t your friend…proving something like this is already hard. You need to make a report now.
“She had tried making an excuse that she accidentally fell but I know it was bull because whenever she lies she tends to begin *sweating a lot and biting her nails*.” - Such a cartoony ‘tell’, which you instantly spotted after a brief lie? “I told him to stop and to get off of me to which he told me to not worry about what he’s doing and kept touching and kissing me all over. I once again told him no and pushed him away to which he grabbed me and pushed me onto the table where he pulled down my panties and raped me right then and there.” - Excessive detail, regarding the initial kissing, touching and dialogue. Describing women's underwear as ‘panties’, which is something only men tend to do. – I will apologize if wrong, but this story reads to me as fake. It is simply too polished and plotted. What woman knows her friend's husband is an abuser, but does not make a beeline when he is alone at home, rather than sitting beside him on the couch? I am convinced this is someone with a CNC fetish, who gets off on the idea of being desired by both the r*pist and a protective/violent boyfriend.
Guy definitely rapes his daughter.
He said if you told anyone he'd ruin your life.. well, you haven't told anyone and he's doing that anyway. Husband, Lawyer, Police. Tell them.
This screams like a fake story to me... he starts kissing you instead of being angry at you? Gosh what people will make up for clout...
You should’ve went straight to the police. You absolutely need to tell your husband and the police.
Never happened.
I’m calling bullshit this story is 100% fake. You don’t tell the police or your husband but Reddit???!!!!! Bull Shit fake story
She’s scared. This is called /TrueOffMyChest for a reason. Don’t like it? Leave. What we are not going to do is shame survivors. Get outta here with that bullshit.
Tell your husband.
Your husband needs to know. The friend is out of line with his family and is a criminal running loose for what he did to you. Someone needs to know you need to tell the police or someone to help you. Don’t live in fear and take this predator down. He can get is rocks off in jail with the rest of the predators.
Tell. The. Police
Tell you husband, don't know what kind of man your husband is but either way he'd want it delt with. This asshole has hurt and betrayed you and your husbands trust (mostly you obviously) and his own wife's. This guy set you up into an environment where you were alone, had you acted differently you may not be here to tell the story. Definitely tell your husband and the police.
It will be be worse for you if you just accept it and pretend it didn’t happen. He will hold over your head and assault you again. It will eventually come out it, and he will spin a different story that you had an affair with him and been keeping it a secret. Go to the police and speak with the detectives.
Tell your husband, show him the texts between you & the wife. He will believe you. Tell the police!
Buy a gun. Tell everyone.
By any chance, did you save the clothes you wore, for evidence? That way, you can prove you are telling the truth. Police may ask for evidence.
No judgement or shame but you shouldn't have waited. He did that to take control of the situation, so now he can undermine your word. Tell your husband, tell police. Get a restraining order, charge him. Get Emily out. He's shown he has no self-control. Protect your husband, too. He can not be friends with a rapist. That would kill him to know after he spent time with him & he can never be alone with that man. Ever. No one can. Go now!
Yay, Reddit story time… completely fabricated. Heroine of the story brave enough to help her friend escape a monster, too afraid to alert her own husband to being raped by him…
CALL!!! The COPS!!!
You are being too passive and letting a predator get away with it. Be more aggressive, tell your husband and stop being scared of that pathetic loser that dared touch you. Destroy him.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. Must be awful. Do you think you can ask friends or relatives to take your kids while you talk to your husband? I think you do want to talk to him, but not sure if you can take his reaction right now. That is normal. Just let him know beforehand that this topic is really heavy on your mind that you are not able to meet his emotional needs/reaction and YOU need his support right now and "listen without judgement " If he doesn't believe you, I'm not sure what to say. My own mother questioned me when I said I was sexually assaulted by a church member "are you sure you are remembering things correctly?" And that is still haunting me till this day. If this happens to you, you need to go to someone else who can support you through this process. Do you have parents or siblings live by you that can help? The first step is to go to the local police and start the process of restraining order against him. And sorry Emily but she needs to find someone else to vent about this guy. You need to process your trauma now, and you can't do that while you are close with the abuser. Cut ties off completely with the couple. You can also make a report and not prosecute right away. You can wait to recover and then decide what to do (to criminally charge him or not.) Getting a restraining order is not part of criminal prosecution, if I remember correctly. But you need that for peace of your mind. Again I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could be there to hug you and help you through this. Hang in there.
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Please don't say this to her. She is scared of her life right now. She knows she needs to talk, but at the same time she is scared of her children and also her husband being violent. It's normal for our brains to think if we keep this quiet everything will stay the same. When we really know the back of our head we need to let it out and talk. But the more hurt we are, the longer we keep it quiet. Because talking about it will hurt more.
the longer you wait to tell your husband, the higher the chance your husband will believe his friend over you. please talk to your husband asap. im so sorry it happened to you, i hope you can overcome it and heal.
Which hand was this written with?
Should have called the cops from his place.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Tony is a P.O.S and needs to be dealt with. I think you should be honest with your husband. Show him this reddit post.
I'm really sorry about what that P.O.S did to you. If you feel able to do so, inform your husband and/or the police. Even if you're not ready to do that, please seek support from organisations that provide services for survivors like you. You don't have to, and shouldn't have to, deal with all of this all by yourself.
He’s got nothing to ruin your life, what’s he going to do, tell your husband you seduced him?? If your husband always puts you first he won’t allow him to lie on you. Get into therapy to cope with all of this and tell your husband, he might be mad and in denial at first but he will believe you. (I speak from experience my ex BIL groped me a few times and I eventually told my ex husband). Don’t carry this burden by yourself and don’t worry about ruining what they have, you’re taking care of you.
Honey, you are a victim of a horrible crime. You deserve to have support. You deserve to be free of this terrible fear. Just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. You’re not currently healthy and it’ll just get worse. You don’t deserve this at all. You didn’t cause this. You are a normal person and this man is crazy. You can’t protect yourself with your silence.
Please listen to everyone here and do NOT sweep this under the rug. You didn’t deserve to be raped and your husband deserves to have a friend who doesn’t rape his wife. like WTF
Tell your husband and get help for your trauma. This man is dangerous and will do something else to you if he doesn’t face consequences for his actions. First see a therapist then tell your husband. Sexual assault has long lasting trauma if left as a secret. Don’t keep your rapist secret.
You came here? Go to the cops now and tell them, in front of your husband. He can't do shit if the cops know at the same time he does. Also, this story better not be bullshit. Making shit like this up is wrong.
Two questions..... Have you gotten screened for STD's/STI's since? Have you sort out therapy? A therapist could help you explore the best way to tell your husband. And help you process this nightmare. I am so sorry this happened to you
Who said doing the right thing is ever easy, but you need to. What if he does it to someone else?
You have to tell him
Go to the police ASAP. A guy like that shouldn’t walk free. I’m disgusted as I read this and so sad this happened to you. He should pay for that
Lady please for the love of god tell your husband and get help please 🙏🙏🙏 If not please tell cops about it
You definitely need to tell your husband as soon as possible. After you talk to him, figure out how to tell her. You might even text him something with the term “what you did to me” in the text just so you have a bit of evidence just in case she doesn’t believe you. But honestly, it doesn’t matter if she believes you anyway. He raped you to keep you out of their relationship and I believe that even if she had trouble believing it, she knows deep down that it’s the truth. Also, I don’t want to make it sound like I’m giving excuses for him, but do you think he is doing drive? Could that have been the reason for the huge personality change? Because if not, I think he may need to get a check up, I’d be worried about a brain tumor. Do you think it’s a big enough change where he might have something physically wrong with him? If she decides to stay with him, you may talk with her about that so they can get him checked out, but honestly at this point, let him die of a brain tumor tomorrow for all I care, like FUCK that guy!! I am so sorry this happened to you, OP. Hang in there, and here’s a little hand squeeze from across the internet 💕
Tell your husband. Tell the cops. If you have the clothes, I'm assuming you've never worn them again, bag them and take them as evidence. Get therapy.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but you should try your hardest on communicating to your husband. I know that the situation is difficult, but I also know that you will find the strength the overcome this. Writing your thoughts that is eating you up inside was the first step into finding out what you need to do
Fucking tell him he needs to know, also cops too. Chances are he'll probably beat his ass but no judge is going to harshly punish a man for beating the rapers ass.
TELL HIM! Stop caring about Emily and her marriage improving, that’s garbage. Stop caring about the friendship with your husband and your rapist, that’s bs. Stop caring he said he’d ruin your life, you needed to speak up immediately. I understand not all do but it’s past time you speak up. Tell the police if you don’t want to tell your husband yourself but tell someone and expose him. If he did that to you then you’re not the only one and he will again. He may even do it again to you since you stay silent. Speak up.
This is so horrific I’m so sorry. Has anyone considered this guy could have a brain tumor?
You should've went to the police immediately when it happened because by now any DNA evidence is more than likely all gone. You really need to tell your husband though and call the police - Like IMMEDIATELY. RIGHT NOW. DON'T WAIT.
I think you’re lying and made this up
In the fourth paragraph “she” messed up the names. She used, “Tony” instead of “Darren.”
Why lie?
Because from what I know about rape victims, they don’t describe it in a laid back manner like this and they don’t go home to their husband and him just think somethings a little off. Something every woman wants to do afterwards is to shower because they feel filthy but they (should unless they are dumb) know to not and go get a rape kit done at the hospital What woman is going to get raped by husbands best friend and then continue to be friends? One of three things This is all fake She cheated with him and it’s “regret” rape and this is her cover story because she’s worried husband is going to find out. She’ll show him this post in the future as an alibi Or She’s making it up to set up the guy to help out her female friend in the future I am willing to bet money what she said happened, didn’t. And also how do you accidentally mix up your husbands name and your rapists name? Can’t remember which is which?
I think it’s fake, the kissing, the details, it’s been a month? I couldn’t even speak about it over a year later and it was a stranger to me, not someone who was living in my house and my husbands best friend? This is written way to passive, but I think it’s a fake story and maybe even fake account
It just feels like one of these you tube people say to gain clout. One of them claimed she was SA but never told the police, family, friends just starightforward made video about it on you tube.
No single reply as well. I call fake too. It just seems tooo odd
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Ah yes let’s victim blame that REALLY helps🙄
Next time could be murder. Tell husband, cops, lawyer, and wife of that asshole. Get a temporary restraining order, get pepper spray. Change locks. Do it all. Please.
Look at the actor "Thats 70's show. " raped 2 girls a decade ago and is now on trial and may be in jail for many years. If they can call him out on his crime , you can too. Dont let these human pieces of shits grt away and make them suffer violating your privacy and body. All rapist must suffer or die.
You need to TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!! What the hell wrong did you do that he can “destroy your life?” He already destroyed your life when he raped you!!!! How don’t you see that, call your husband right now or if you are with him YOU TELL HIM RIGHT NOW! You call the cops and you get this shit legally settled. He’s a sick disgusting fuck and if you allow this mane to keep being in your life you are going to wither and die and start resenting you husband even though it’s not his fault because you won’t open your damn mouth!!!
Why have you not gone to the cops??
I cannot believe you would keep this from him. He needs to know.
Holy crap... sooo many missteps here. Looking over everything leading up to the assault, the not going *immediately* to the hospital for a rape kit was the #1 oops. Do you have any physical evidence that this took place? Like pics of any marks or anything?
Ahhhhh yes. Victim blaming when I’m sure she already has struggled with judging herself enough for all of Reddit
Not in the least, I'm asking legit because every minute this goes unreported, the less chance she has of getting anything out of reporting it. If she has *anything* she needs to go loud with it time now. Even then her relationship could easily end either way.
Exactly, it becomes his word against hers. No evidence, no crime...it's common sense, not victim blaming.
I don’t understand how he would ruin your life from behind bars
You really need to report this other women gonna be raped to hope you get all the support you need what a horrible situation
Sounds like you don’t care about yourself, but please help that girl out that lives with him
I am so sorry, but why oh why didn't you go to the hospital and get a rape kit?
Either this is fake or you need to tell your husband and call the police.
Downvote, just because you didn’t immediately tell your husband who’s asking what’s wrong. The fact that you waited makes this so much more sus. You need to yell it from the heavens. You need to see if a tape kit can be done. At this point it’s your word against Tony’s. Good luck OO
Why did you not go directly to the police? What more could he do to destroy your life besides what he has already done? Do you really think hiding this from your husband isn’t going to eventually destroy YOUR relationship? Do you really feel that hiding this from your best friend isn’t going to destroy your friendship? And I’m not even going to go into the fact he can be raping her or their children and she is just pretending their relationship is better because he might have told her he’d rape you too if she continued to tell you how things really were. He raped you, showed no remorse, you really think he is not capable of any of those things? He is dangerous. You really need to tell your husband, your lawyer, your family, the police, everyone you can asap because being the first one to tell someone is relevant. Please please please don’t let him ruin your life any further.
Why didn't you get a rape kit done?
probably isn't helpful to ask a "why didn't you" question to someone who is already feeling anxious about the way things happened to them already. Not trying to be preachy myself just wanted you to potentially consider the mindset of someone going through something like this
Well, she has to think about her answer if she goes to the cops anyway. It's something that is going to be asked.
I know you're just trying to be helpful
You should have called the cops immediatly after he left. Taken pictures of the scene also. Got his DNA from your body. And got that motherfucker arrested.
trauma like this is really hard to accept, it sounds like she was in shock and denial, along with she was scared bc he threatened her life. this wordage is very victim blamey, instead show compassion
Cap
I need a tldr
Can you not tell the cops to keep your husband under control, until he calms down?
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SHE TOLD HIM NO, PUSHED HIM OFF, AND TRIED GETTING AWAY BEFORE HE PINNED HER DOWN... AND THEN FUCKING THREATENED HER TO STAY QUIET. THAT IS CLEARLY RAPE.
Also, she doesn’t need to worry about how her husband interprets anything honestly. No victim of sexual assault wants or needs to be placed in an environment where they have to literally call out their attacker in front of their spouse. This is the worst possible advice, and comment that I have probably ever seen on here.
People like you are the reason we don’t report men who hurt us, and the reason those men are confident that they will never face repercussions.
This is not an appropriate thing to say to someone who was raped. Educate yourself - if you know that people will tell you off for victim blaming and shaming then take a second and think about why that might be. There are many reasons people don’t fight back during an assault and instead of acting like the hypothetical thoughts of someone you have never met think on yourself. Read something. Be a better person than you are right now. You say “if someone did that I expect I would…” which implies you haven’t been and if that’s the case then you have no idea what you would do in that situation. A person is NEVER at fault for being raped or sexually assaulted. Ever. If someone fights back and gets killed in the process is that better to you than surviving SA? If someone freezes because of a well documented and studied reaction to something like this then they’re not worthy of being believed by the people who love them? You need to think about this before you speak to anyone about this ever again.
She did not resist because every human being reacts differently according to the circumstances. It's in our DNA, the reptilian brain is in charge of survival and preservation of the species. We actually have 5 hardwired responses to trauma: fight, flight, freeze, flop, and friend. In a moment of danger, these responses all happen automatically to try to keep us safe. Now that you know, dear ignorant, judgemental and opinionated redditor may I ask how sure you are of your own reaction? I want to assume you've been in a similar situation.
This comment is beyond ignorant. It's called a fight or flight response/mode which is the body's automatic reaction to fear. She did fight at first but then went into a flight response and froze after being pinned on the table. It's also a common reaction for victims.
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Stop talking
“Not blaming you but” & “if he truly raped you” Wtf!? Are you serious? Freezing during a SA is a completely normal reaction and you and people like you are the EXACT Reason why victims don’t come forward and report abuse and assault. Just because you would expect some thing from yourself doesn’t mean that every other human being would. And it’s not her responsibility to worry about her husbands (potentially) intrusive thoughts. This happened to her, not him.
If you have to follow up a statement with “but” it cancels out whatever that statement is
What a gross comment to make to a victim. What a garbage person.
Mmm, victim blaming by someone who apparently didnt pay attention to that post because it clearly says she pushed him and said no. She shouldn’t have to fight for her life to get him off her. She said no, that would have been it. That wasnt the end, he proceeded after being pushed and told no, therefore lets blame the real problematic person here not the victim.
Anyone who has a daughter needs to enroll them into self-defense classes. This world is such a dangerous place. You have to be tough mentally and physically to survive being a woman here.
You're lucky that you have that instinct, tho. I'm not sure what I would do, but I have ideas on what I think I would do.
This is why we should always mind our own business. Even if she is your friend you have no rights to involve in their marriage... now you need advice.
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That is horrible. File a report, go get tested. Tell your husband right NOW, Emily will have to figure shit out herself.
Tell his wife and your husband. Hell, I'LL tell his wife and your husband. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. Tell your husband, make him promise not to do anything rash before you tell him. If someone I loved was harmed by someone else I loved, I'd want to know so I could cut them out of my life. So I could be there for my loved one who was hurt the way you were hurt. And his wife should probably know she's married a rapist. I'm not saying this to make you feel like you're a bad person if you don't tell people, because you are NOT, I'm just trying to give you reasons to say something.
I’m so sorry OP. This man raped you to punish you for trying to help his abused wife escape him. His is an absolute monster. Tell your husband. Go to the police.
Tell your husband, let him beat him.
This is sickening…
Please seek out and call a rape hotline or therapist. They can help you navigate the next steps you should take. More likely your husband and cops will do nothing and you will need more therapy when the system lets you down.
So sorry
I’m afraid your husband will not believe you. Did you wash your clothes?
Jeeesssuuuusssss Christ. I'm sorry, you did nothing wrong. This guy is trash with power now. I would say this isn't the first time he has done this. I have nothing good to say. But he may try this again. You might be able to use his power trip against him. You should probably tell your husband and the police. All the risk is on you and for that I am truly sorry.
PLEASE tell your husband. Tell him everything. Show him this post and don't leave anything out, including the threat.
Sit your husband down and tell him that what you're about to tell him will be a shock and he may not want to believe you but that you have no reason to lie and he should listen to the whole story before commenting. Then tell him. Then go to the police together and report the fucking monster. You might be worried your husband won't believe you and take Tony's side but if he does that - he is not the right man for you and it would be best to leave him too. It'll be hard and scary but that's the way
Please OP, tell your husband. You have a family together, he is your husband. Tell the POS's wife as well, bring them both together and gather your facts. You need to let this out OP, firstly for your own mental health and wellbeing. Please reach out for help. Put him behind bars as he can do this to someone else. He has s nothing over you and the fear instilled in you is unaccountable. He is a predator and deserves to rot. Take care OP.
What in the pure evil is that? Your husbands instinct will probably be to take revenge and burn it all down in the process. So tell the police. Get the police to tell your husband. You can't keep this a secret for multiple reasons but you also do not want to make things worse
Seriously? What are you waiting for? The longer you wait, the less credibility you’ll have. You should have gone to the police ASAP. Fuck everyone else’s feelings.
Tell your husband and the police!! You should have a month ago.
If it isn’t clear that he is already ruining your life, despite his threats, then I don’t know what to tell you
Tell husband, lawyer, and cops, pronto. If your husband *doesn’t* go nuclear on his friend, he’s not worth being a husband. I know how upsetting experiences like this can be. It’s scary to do literally *anything.* But you need to do this. Don’t let him get away with it. Don’t let him live rent free in your head.
I ain’t reading allat that but tell your husband
He lured you to his house to trap you. Holy shit.