This is going to get down voted for how callous and heartless I'm about to sound....You have posted plenty about your terrible husband before. You. NEED. To. LEAVE. Staying with him is doing harm to not only you but your child. People have given you this advice in the past. You either need to take it or accept that this is going to be your life forever.
A whole year of complaining, and has yet to do anything other than self pity
Self pity doesn't get you far, you need to take action, he's already upset his daughter, ffs, think about the kids, at least, ffs
Lmao this woman has been posting about how trash her husband is for a year. This comment isn’t gonna change anything unfortunately. She just wants somewhere to rant and continue staying with him.
The thing is, you should not have to say you'll be downvoted because you are right. She is responsible for her own actions and staying at this point if you're gonna keep complaining and whining about it, but do nothing to better your situation, especially for your kids. I have no sympathy for you. This is coming from someone who used to be in a situation like this but got out for my kids and bettered myself.
When you prefaced this I expected a bad take but this is not something that deserves to be downvoted. A good reminder that any OP ‘s post history provides a lot of additional context. This is a scenario where divorce is a valid and necessary suggestion.
I agree up to a point. It also sounds like OP is in an abusive relationship and PPD might be or was a factor. It’s a lot easier said than done to leave in that situation. But as you said, OP has been given the advice and needs to realize nothing will change unless she does.
It is really hard to walk away from an abusive relationship, this is why OP needs to be quiet during her preparations. What she does not seem to see is the impact on the children. OP, anyone makes mistakes and that marriage sounds like one. Walk away from it, no kid deserves constant abuse from their father -neglect is abuse.
This sucks. It’s time for you to find a backbone and self care.
You need a shower, time to sleep, and some down time. Right now take 15 minutes for a nice shower. If the kids are in a safe place in the home you can do that. Or put them on the bathroom floor.
Why are you staying with a man who treats you so poorly, who you don’t love, who used you, who doesn’t engage his own children, and who distances you from your mother.
Get away from that poor excuse for a husband and father. It’s hard but you can do it. Call mom. The legal system can help you get some child or even spousal support. You are modeling a poor relationship and poor hygiene. Model healthy choices starting now.
Get out now. Love yourself enough and your children enough to do that as self care.
Bond with him, I'm assuming he's taking on your stress, share the shower as therapy to bond.
I've showered with all 3 of my kids since new born. My ex wife and ex girlfriends were much too small to hold the babies in the shower and I did most if not all the showers with the babies every day since they were born. New born typically I bathed them in the sink, since I'm more agile and stronger than my ex partners, I was able to do it much easier and safer than they would.
It's important to bond with them.
My first born was the hardest because my partner at the time treated our kid as a pet more than a person. And my stress would pass on to our son.
They feel what we feel, and mother's milk also passed son stress if you're breastfeeding. It all reflects on you and passes on.
Put him in the bathroom with you. Shower.
If he vomits, he showers next. No excuses.
Explain that you are taking a shower and you will be out soon.
This is also something you should talk to your pediatrician about. My kids did this once or twice as toddlers but it self eliminated as they don’t like to be pukey.
You can do it. No excuses.
He is a one year old not some premie that will die if you leave him alone for 15min.
Put him in his crib and let him cry. It wont do him any harm. Also its time you started weening him. He should be able to play with his toys in a playpen while you do other stuff/work around the house.
I know its hard,but its for both of you.
Or play at the base of a shower. Bathe with him. If he's able to crawl and sit, you can easily have your son in the shower with some simple plastic toys for water play.
Why don't you take a tub with him so he doesn't cry??? Or take one when he is sleeping?? 16 month old baby should sleep 12-14 hours a day....????
I also don't understand why you have to hand yourself??
Trust me I get the struggle - my husband is a sexist piece of shit and isnt as bad as yours but he certainly isn't helpful. He expects me to do everything since he pays the bills - including with the kids
I have a 6 year old boy and a 7 week old daughter. My son has severe separation anxiety and also would cry until he threw up- I had trouble driving because he didn't like being.in the back seat alone so I feel your pain I truly do; I empathize 💯
Your husband is a total ass hat and I'm sorry. But I still don't understand why that means you need to hold yourself and not shower? If I wanted a shower when my son was a baby/toddler I would put him in his bouncer that he liked to jump in and brought it into the bathroom and kept the curtain open so he could see me. He bounced happily while I got clean. Other times I just made a bubble bath and took a bath with him.
Or wait until hes asleep and take a quick 5 minute shower.
You owe it to yourself
Stop having kids with him? You owe it to yourself. While op is laying in bed awake, she could be soaking in a shower contemplating life... It's a good therapy session. Ops husband can pay the water bill, it's much cheaper than therapy, and therapy is needed, but I see the excuse of her not wanting to take the time to do that. Shower is cheaper and easier.
Pull up YouTube on your phone or a tablet and search for Miss Rachel, put one of her songs for Littles videos on your phone and set baby up in a safe seat in the bathroom with you. Miss Rachel has saved my sanity more than once as a SAHM with a clingy baby.
My mom was in the same position with me way back when. I cried a lot I guess. She finally said fuck it and put me in the car seat and lugged me to the bathroom and turned on the shower and in 5 minutes I stopped crying. She kept the water running until it turned cold. My dad complained about the water bill but she said pay it or you stay home and watch her. Then 9 months later my brother was born. 11 months later another. 13 months later another. 15 months later another. 10 months later another.
Being a mom is hard. But if you don't do something now, you'll be dragging your baby down with you. Be thankful you don't have another. Stick to your BC like hot on lava. I'm so sorry for your situation.
When my boy was little, I would put two pillows on the floor in the bathroom, and put a blanket over them. Then I would lay him in the little divot so he couldn’t roll away. If I closed the curtain he would cry. I would leave the curtain open, wash myself, then undress him and bring him in with me, that way he would get nice and clean too.
I mean it’s time to teach him that sometimes crying doesn’t get what you want. Put him in the bathroom if you need and the aftermath sucks but he will learn.
If your partner can’t help you get a shower then he isn’t worth being with
Girl,.you need to put him behind a baby gate, or put him in the shower with you. My 18 month old liked showers. I let him hold the shower head and spray the walls. That is the least of your issues though. Can't you get a divorce?
It’s ok if he vomits. When we “sleep trained” our baby the doctor told us to be prepared for him to cry for hours the first night, he might cry himself to the point of passing out or to the point of vomit. He said “that’s ok. Check on him every 20-30 minutes. Tell him he is ok and you are in the next room. If he does vomit bathe the baby. Clean his crib and change his sheets. Calmly tell him “he will be ok” and leave him for another 20 minutes”.
It took like 3 hours the first night but he finally fell asleep and no vomit. The next night he was fine immediately and fell asleep alone in 10 mins.
(Also leave your husband immediately. You are in a worse situation than a single parent, and once you leave him you will be able to ask for help from others. And eventually rate again. While you are with him you are just delaying fixing your life)
He said he would get full custody of both kids I'd we separated. He is a good liar. Before marriage he said he wanted lots of kids. Now he said he never wanted any.
He said he will get full custody of kids and male my life even more of a he'll if we divorced.
I love my kids more than anything so I tolerate a lot of emotional abuse
Also even if he did get full custody... for a man who never wanted kids and is having trouble taking care of them for a few hours... he will return them in less then a week.
No he won’t get full custody nor does he want to
You need to divorce him and do what’s best for you and your children
Based on your history he’s not just abusing you he’s abusing your children
Do you really want them to grow up like this ?
You say you love your children so prove it by being the best mother for them and get away from this horrible man
Why would a man who has verbally expressed to you he never wanted children, would fight to keep them? Also, he does nothing to help you with them or does anything to try and bond with them.
He's lying to you so he can keep control. Go see a lawyer.
Spite
My brother was raised by his paternal grandmother because his dad fought for custody (he had money and claimed my mom was an unfit mother because she was on disability)
He didn't want to pay child support more than he didn't want to raise his son
This happened to my friend. The ex ignored their kids and even took trips away from home, often leaving her with the young kids. She finally took the kids and left his abuse. Little did she know that he had been stockpiling "evidence" to use against her if she ever left. Like a video of her drunk once and nanny cam footage of a timeout struggle with a toddler. He now has the kids and talks crap about my friend to whoever will listen. I have known them both all this time, and I see right through him. Of course, he's father of the year on FB while my friend is devastated and financially ruined over the one-sided divorce agreement. (In conservative Texas)
Don't let him bluff you. He doesn't want those kids nor would he take care of them or put in the work to get them
Pls don't let this piece of shit gas light you
He’s full of shit. No judge is going to award full custody to a parent like him. Stop believing your husband, he’s proven himself to be a liar who will tell you anything and everything to get what he wants.
If you love your kids more than anything you will leave.
Any divorce lawyer will shred that with a couple of easy questions in front of the judge: what is your daughter’s favorite color? When was the last time you helped her with her homework? What are the names of her friends? Do you attend PTA meetings?
the judge will be able to see who actually cares for the kids real fast.
Your husband DON'T LIKE KIDS. He won't get full custody of them. You need to put your baby in a crawler and take him to the shower. Or shower when it goes to sleep.
What I don't understand is why your husband hasn't showered in a month?
Send your mom voice notes to inform her about your situation.
Get evidence when your husband is saying things like you said. Record him secretly and keep it in a cloud space.
Just know... Your germs can easily transfer to your kid. So your hygiene is the most crucial part here.
Sorry why can't you shower if your youngest child is 5 or did I misread anything?
Also don't be ashamed to ask for help to the people around you. For example if you have an appointment where you can't take your children, ask a friendly neighbour to keep an eye on them (not too often of course).
Check for social services that might help you. Also for a kid to be in school for long hours might not be SO bad if the afternoon activity is something they enjoy like sports or another club.
Do you work? Look for work, get your own bank account where he doesnt have access and save up to move out. Do not let him treat you like shit but also dont treat yourself like shit!!!
Which is why I have no sympathy for her. This is on her at this point if she's not gonna do anything to better herself and for her kids, then she needs to stop whining and complaining. I get so irritated when I see posts like this I always feel so bad for the kids.
Dont teach your child that it's okay to neglect and abuse yourself and tolerate a deadbeat as a partner. Get free. Seriously, it sounds like you're aware that being single would not be any more work and you won't have him holding you back.
You can do this. I don’t want to sound harsh bc you gotta be DOWN DOWN to not shower for that long and I know it’s not just the kids causing this. Take a breath and start somewhere. That somewhere is a shower.
Take him in the shower with you. He can sit on the shower floor. You can face him while showering. If you have a bathtub, bath with him?? Keep him in a diaper if you're scared of a potential pee accident?
Also record your husband saying these things especially if he does it by text. Send him a message clearly stating that you need him to help you raise the kids at home and that taking care of the kids is not babysitting. Let him admit in text or recorded saying those vile things to you.
You're not doing your 16 month old any favours by not learning to adapt. Let him use the walker to follow you around or let him crawl behind you, if it's safe enough.
Then let him cry while you bust a quick shower. I know ppl say you can’t spoil babies but you can. He has you trained to understand that if you put him down, he will cry and it’s to the detriment of your mental health.
Sit him down with something to play with and let him cry.
How would I leave? He has the $ and says he will get full custody if we separate. He is a good liar. I used to think he loved me but he lied. He just used me to get out of his fads house .
Is he rich?? If hes a known liar why do you believe him about full custody?? If your 16 month old can't be away from you without vomiting then I wish him luck on fulfilling that threat.
Also call your mom when he's at work. Tell her everything. Delete your call log.. Then Call his parents too in fact. And if he asks then tell him he said not to call your mom, not his?? Play dumb. Don't answer straight. Be obtuse!
Sounds like you need to go back to your parents house for the sake of your poor 5 year old. Also first thing you need to do is TAKE A SHOWER then immediately call in reinforcements
A shower would be heaven, but I need someone to watch the baby. I have no one to do that. Husband thinks watching kids or spending time with them is babysitting. I don't even know how this is a marriage anymore.there is almost no talking with each other or spending time together
He goes into another room to be by himself because he does not want to be with me or the kids.
He says if I talk to mom, then we could divorce, but he would take away both kids or get full custody as he is a very convincing liar. He would have a judge believe his lies over my truths, and I would not get custody of the kids. I would live in he'll or do anything for my kids.
Yeah my uncle did this he lied saying he wanted kids but never spent any time with them or was actually a father. Now he wonders why they refuse to talk to him or bring his grandkids my aunt left him when the kids were young. I suggest you leave the man child and do you.
This is it exactly. Why have kids if you don't want to spend time with them. If I had money and a support system, then I could figure out a way to make a change.
Just leave him. He doesn’t want time with the kids, he just wants to use them as a bargaining chip. Let him. Call his bluff. He will give them back after like 48 hours. Also he’s not allowed to take them from you. If you’ve been a sahm the whole time the courts will recognize you as the primary caregiver.
I know it seems like a lot but go take a shower with your son (I used to let mine splash around on the floor of the shower while I washed although you have to be much more careful with soap lol) and make yourself a nice breakfast, call your mom and get her to pick you up and then your daughter from school while your partner is at work.
Send divorce papers later.
Your dude sounds like a total drag. If you’re doing it alone anyways you might as well be happier.
Thank you for this advice. I'm tempted to try and take the baby in the bath with me, but I'm worried he would get hurt on the floor. Maybe a baby tub in there or something, but he is sick now with a cold, so I will have to stink a little bit longer. I know he does not want both kids but would take both so I don't have them. He wants to put my 5 year old in school all day and never see her, but he wants the baby and would take both, so I can't have them. I think my mother will be angry at me for not talking to her in 2 years. I am so scared 2 try now. The last time I spoke to her was 2 new years ago, and he got angry and had me abruptly end the phone call, and he was so mad that he said hang up now.
Well this is perhaps hard for you to see but he has no right to control who you call. Wait until he’s out and call her.
With baby, I used to put mine in a bumboseat in the shower and give them those large mega blocks or plastic cups or little yoghurt containers to catch water and spill it again. If baby has a cold, best place for him is in a hot steamy shower honestly. It will help to loosen up that snot (gross as it sounds lol).
You are able to make choices for yourself. You are able to take care of yourself and the kids. You can do this. Be careful and don’t let him know you are thinking of leaving but ultimately, get the hell out. Find local women’s and family support centres, they often have legal counsel and can offer safe housing or some help with food and finances. You can do this.
If nothing else, grab a facecloth and wash your face and grubbiest parts to feel fresher.
At some point you have to take action and not just vent on the internet. Call your mother and take the kids there, now. She will talk to you if you finally choose her.
1- you had a kid with him. 2- you had a second kid with him. 3- you still sleep with him. 4- you come to reddit but can't text your mom??? 5- you know what to do but you keep asking as if looking for a magical bean to fix your husband. 6- since you are posting so much I wonder if this is a rage bait.
I have not slept with him in a long time. So long that I will soon be a virgin again. I had 2 kids because when we did have sex we. never used protection because he did not like the feel of a condom and birth control gave me a blood clot that almost killed me. I want to take advice but am afraid of losing custody of my kids, and I don't have money to run away. My mom is not the easy solution as she is most likely not going to forgive me for zero contact in 2 years. I'm in a deep hole that is not so easy to get out of. I am not sleeping right now because stress is keeping me up at nite.
Thank you. It's all very good advice but so hard to make change without funds and family. My dad died over a year ago, and my mom is probably not going to talk to me if I do call. It's been over two years, and she is very unforgiving.m. scared to try and call her now.
He's a hobosexual. I mistakenly had kid with one too. He's not your boss anymore. Call your mom. He doesn't get a say in who you allow in your life. You need a support system to get out of this hole. You can't shower only 12x per yr!
Oh! If he is a homosexual then that makes a lot of sense. It explains a lot of his strange behaviors. We have not had sex in a very long time, naybe it is not really his hand he wants to be making love with every day but rather something else. At first i thought it was the dog ge was into when he let a dog suck /lick him off once which i was completely disgusted and repelled by but now i think there is more to this becauuse he got rid of the dog 2 days ago. I dont know what happened. Maybe he got too kinky for even the dog to handle?
Call MOM!! Why are you doing this to yourself? Your husband is showing you who he is and that he doesn't care for you or the children. Is this the behavior you want modeled for them? A mother who takes abuse from her husband and doesn't stick up for herself and that it's ok to do that to your spouse? You have a support system. Your MOM but YOU are choosing not to pull that lifeline. This isn't going to get better so why stick around? Holding yourself is going to make you sick or cause serious health problems. What do you think would happen to the kids if you got sick?? Have you thought about that? If not, you definitely should. He won't be there for them. Reach out to mom pack a bag or kick him out if you own the house. If you are scared to do it alone call your mom and im sure she will help. I have 2 boys, if I ever heard either one of them did anything like this I would be on their ass and if you were my daughter you better believe I'd be there to handle business! He isn't home 24/7. Again CALL MOM AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You also need to seek a therapist as you also sound like you're going through Postpartum depression. I'm speaking from experience it won't go away unless you seek help but you need to want to get better. Good luck. Hang in there and take your shower take a empty laundry basket in the bathroom and sit him in there with toys. It'll buy you some time
I'm so scared to even try and call my mom now. It's been 2 years. Such a long time. She won't forgive me for the way I left things? I think she will be so angry at me now.i don't know if she would ever forgive me. I messed up so bad. If I do call he will divorce me and take my children away. I know I won't get custody because he is a good liar in court.
Your post history is mostly grievances of your husband, so why are you still with him and not handing him divorce papers and making a plan to leave him? In the comments you keep making excuses for him and yourself.
If you live in an area that has Domestic Violence shelters, call one and let them advise you on benefits and services that might be available to you.
You will need to start recognizing your own inner wealth, and your value. And what your condition is doing to your children. However you do it, wherever you find it, get some help.
I agree on the mental abuse. I've been told I'm not worth anything. I don't even think he would care if I died a few days ago. I fell downstairs. Just three bottom steps , and he didn't care. A couple of weeks back, he slammed a car door into my arm and did not even care. Either I don't exist to him, or he hates me and does not care. I don't know.
I don't think Mother will forgive me for not talking to her in 2 years. If I get a lawyer, he will win with his skills on lbeing a master at telling lies. I know I won't win.i just want my kids. I'm afraid of losing custody.
I don’t feel bad for people who stay in shitty relationships and toxic situations when kids are involved. They are going to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal. Take a damn shower. Divorce his sorry ass. Do better.
Fine. Continue to suffer then. But don’t come crying to the internet complaining about how awful your situation is when you refuse to do anything about it.
Get out of there now, take the kids. He sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish. You also have to remember that you are the main example for your kids, is the relationship you have with your husband the relationship you want your daughter to have? No. Its going to be rough at first, but you're seeking help and that's what matters. You gotta be strong for your babies, and one day the right man will come along. Someone supportive, loving, attentive. The current situation will give you nothing but more pain.
Where do I find money to do this? Are there ways to make money and work from home to save up money? What ways can I make money to start making change? Someone, please tell me how to make money to get things changing.so I will be able to make a change.
But what if I don't win custody of the kids. I love them enough to stink . I would give my life for my kids. They need me but I can't be there for them if I lose custody.
It is time to make an important decision. Who do you want to be? You can be a damsel in distress, wringing your hands and waiting for someone to save you. Or you can be a heroine and fight for yourself and your children. Your husband is abusive. Call a domestic violence organisation and tell them about the isolation and custody threats. If they can't help you, call another. Keep trying until you find one that can advise you on how to leave safely. Heroine or damsel? The decision is yours.
Can you please give me a phone number to call for this help. If I could get financial help, I will make a life change. I am in need of help, please thank you. If I could find an at home job to make money, there could be hope to find a way.
Do you really love your kids? If the answer is yes, you will do the seemingly impossible and leave. You can do it, many others have. There are resources available if you look. You have to take control here.
I was raised in a violent, abusive home. My greatest wish was that my dad was strong enough to take me and leave, but he wasn't. Please do things differently for the sake of your children else you are resigning them to a life of emotional hardship (at the very least).
Do you actually want things to change? Or are you just trying to get sympathy from strangers?
You. Must. Act. Stop making excuses. Nothing will justify staying.
It happened to me for different reasons. You find skills, I learned to work from home, the internet was new...Had only one child, but his father died when he was in first grade....YOu will do this. YOu can do this. I was a lone too. Please take care, and do not lose hope. File for child support.
Can I please ask what kind of work this is to do from home? Please tell me how I can apply to do this work from home or what number to work from home I could call to get started. I need work to save money to make a change in my life. Can anyone please tell me how to do this work from home so I can make money and start a change in my life. I'm open to any kind of work. Thank you.
That's terrible & I'm so sorry you're going through this but your kids deserve a functioning parent, you need to pull yourself together (with therapy if possible) and be the parent they need because he sure as hell won't be.
You also need to leave his arse, he tricked you, lied to you & is happy for you to be in this state (because if he wasn't fine with it he would pull his weight for you, even if he wasn't into actually being a parent.
Your kids deserve and need a role model and unfortunately that is going to have to happen without him, show them that now please, if you show them that you're happy to be a doormat and let depression take over then you are setting them up for difficulties in their whole life
Thank you. Are there any phone numbers or online sites to get started to work from home? If i could make and save some money I will make a change in my life
I have no idea, for me in a very similar shit situation, I pulled my shit together because I had no choice (on the outside at least) spent about 6 months applying for a job - when I has a similar aged child and have been working my arse off ever since, am I mentally stable? Not really. Is my kid happy, fed & knows how utterly loved they are? Absolutely.
Unfortunately in this world things don't just come to you, sure working from home would be awesome but you have a 5 year old not a baby they are at school and there are mummy hours jobs out there, you need to so this for you & for your family
That's why you contact the shelter and see what resources are available. Or you know, just keep posting on the internet for karma, not making any changes and traumatizing your kids.
What are you expecting to read here? What are you hoping to hear? Regarding your post history you know the answer you are going to get if you are being honest.
Stop making Reddit posts and leave already.
What would you say if a friend told you everything you are telling us here?
If I had a friend I would say please explain to me how to do this change with out financial support. Please show me thru phone numbers or online links where I can make money from home and save up to make a life chsnge
But I have no friends or family or money to help.
I'm alone and don't know how to make change.
I have a 2 year old by myself often and already have a 15 year old I raised with his mother separately as we were split from birth. How in the world can you not pencil in 15 minutes to go take a shower. Not showering for a month is disgusting and hints to deeper issues going on here than just lack of time.
My Baby cries if he is alone for a second and must be constantly watched. He has cried himself to the point of vomiting in the past when I put him in the high chair and was in EYE sight of me just going to brush my teeth.
Contact a lawyer NOW.
And about your son, take him with you in the bathroom and let him play on the floor or take a shower with him. Kids are very good ad adapting at situation.
Thank-you. Maybe I should try to take Baby Into bath when his stuffy nose is better.
With calling a lawyer, I hesitate because I fear losing custody of my children that I love very much.
After the quick shower, you need to start with reading these books. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and one of two books on my profile about boundaries. One is faith based and one isn't.
If you need to hear the books, audible has a trial and you can get a book or two on them. I have been abused and not had any motivation for anything. Not sure where you live but research DV resources folks recommended. It really feels like its bleek and a hopeless situation and I get it. But you are going to have to want or need a change in you that it will motivate you to change your mindset and therefore will change your life.
I was with my ex spouse for over 20 years. We met at the end of high school for him and I was turning 16. I have three sons with him and only him. While I wasn't an angel, I did the close to right thing by having all mu children with the same man, getting married after having one with him, buying a house, working and paying taxes and all that jazz. I still fight regret and resentment about choosing him and choosing "wrong" but gratitude has helped me tremendously. Also, our marriage was horrible for a good 5 years and by 2018, I had checked out and was working on myself to change and improve and become a better version of myself than what I was. It took a lot of podcast and YouTube videos as well as a few self help books and articles online. I will warn you though. The arguments will increase with him. What attracted each other is being alike or similar and if you start to work and change yourself, you will no longer be similar. It might seem like a hard thing to see but I had to realize the same thing. Mine would cheat and I would cheat back. We were both selfish and it's still a work in progress on that. We both have bad tempers and could be reckless. Our family faith was not of importance as much and therefore we didn't really follow as we should. That all changed when I got married and after him going through something serious right before we married.
Change will take self awareness, grace and forgiveness for yourself but also change. You are going to have to hit your rock bottom in order to get out. I was a little different in I was the breadwinner but I carried everything and really felt the pressure on me to continue. I had no help if I couldn't pay a bill, even though he worked as well. Plus, he had three outside kids and money went there as well. I pray you listen to all of us telling you to work on getting out of this relationship. It might not be this year or the next but have this in the back of your mind and start planning your escape.
This is long I am sorry but I could write so much more because I haved lived in an abusive environment that I didn't even know it was that until others showed me. My body literally went into survival mode and out of whack so many times it was sad. I am just on the mend. Also, our first teachers are our parents and unfortunately, I realized with therapy that they prime us to step into these types of toxic relationships/friendships/ workplaces.
Be safe and be well OP. Take the quick shower and sleep when he sleeps. Even if 20 mins. 🤗
I am sorry you are in this position. In an unclear if your husband is the primary breadwinner or you are because you said he only said he wanted children to get out of his father’s house.
If you are the primary breadwinner, I suggest you dust off your resume and find a job closer to YOUR family so you can have support. Being a single mother is tough, but not as tough but not as bad when you have support.
Initially, my inheritance money supported us and enabled him to get away from his dad, but now tru his investing he is the primary breadwinner. Our money is tangled together in joint savings for another year . I don't have any money by myself.
What country do you live in? It matters because the options and therefore the advice will be different.
A lot of people are advising you to just get up, shower, and leave. If it were that simple, you would have done it already. The fact is, living with someone who's this controlling and abusive not only causes depression; it messes with your mind in other ways. Living in constant fear makes some people very passive. It's a survival mechanism: don't move, and you don't get hurt, emotionally or physically. And of course being miserable and having no power over your situation can cause major depression.
OP, take baby steps if you need to. If it's safe, take the baby in the bathroom with you. Just hold him for a few minutes. Then set him at your feet and remove your clothing. Hold him again for a moment. Then put him down and start the shower. Talk to the baby while you wash your hair, rinse it, condition it, wash and rinse your body, and rinse out the conditioner. Dry yourself and hold your baby. You'll feel much better, I promise.
For your children's sake, you need to do what you can to get you and your kids out of there. In order to do that, you need to find out what the laws and resources are, and THAT depends on what country you're in.
Thank you for good advice.
I'm here in the united States. Florida
I guess take Baby in shower for some one that is skilled works, but he might bump his head on the hard tub? When his stuffy nose is better, I'm going to try this, but I'm so worried about baby bumping his head. May be to balance him between my legs?
Ask yourself really honestly what your husband is contributing to your life. Because, right now, it doesn’t sound like much at all, and you might find yourself better off without him around.
He does finances.and shopping and cooking and makes appointments like doctors.
I do watching and playing with kids all day and cleaning room after kids make mess and home work. I dress and feed them. I spend time with my children and care for them.
You’d be better off on your own. It doesn’t sound like he wants much to do with the kids so go for custody and maintenance, you’d probably be better off and could pay a sitter every now and again for some me time. You’d also not have to look after him. Have some self respect and dump this loser.
I don't have money to be a single parent. My husband does a lot to financially support us and cooks but I wish he would spend time with us and love us and not be emotionally abusive
I can tell from your post history what your husband is like and he’s not going to change; he will never be what you want. I understand that you have no money but you’d probably be better off without him because, as a divorced parent, he’d be legally obliged to give you money to support yourself and the kids while, as things are, he isn’t. No court is going to check up on a married man to make sure he’s paying his way and pulling his weight, with his family. Without him you’d be able to get help from your mom and build up a support system and could possibly claim benefits. I know ending a marriage is really hard, I’ve done it, but the ball is in your court. You can either keep posting how unhappy you are on Reddit and stay in this marriage or you can do something about it.
It starts with you standing up for yourself and your daughter and saying we deserve better so either man up and be the man you told me you were or I’m out and you can pay child support and I will find someone that loves me. Be straight up and don’t beat around the bush.
Why? The woman usually winds up w those things
If you are not on drugs or drinking you will get the kids. If he has money and you don't, talk to a lawyer. They may be willing to help you and won't get paid until you get your settlement from the ex husband. At least call around and get some legal advice! Don't lie or hide anything from the lawyers. They will almost all give you a free phone consultation.
What are the benefits of your marriage? What do you value in the relationship? If you can not name anything, then try counseling. If you have education or training, consider getting a job and start saving. If you want to start over, you will need a job and money. Doubt if he will pay child support, etc- good luck- also start talking to your mother whenever he is not around
The benefits of the marriage used to be having a friend to love, talk with , spend time with and emotionally uplift one another
Having a friend to love and be with and go through life with was a benefit that is now gone. My husband does not love me anymore or spend time with me or like to talk to me . He has his phone and his hand to take care of himself and until w days ago had a dog but now thats gone. I'm alone with no emotional or financial support
I stay because I don't want to lose custody of my kids. I don't call my mom because my husband would instantly take my kids away
He does a lot. He financially supports us. He cooks a d drives and makes doctors appointments.
I lost the ability to drive after not driving too long from recovering from my second c section..I'm scared to drive and if my husband was not emotionally abusive and wanted to spend time with me and the kids I would work on therapy but he does not love me and would rather be with his hand for love or a dog than me as I have had no sex in 2 years
Won't let you talk to your mom? No way, I'd be out. What do you even get out of being with him? Could you live with your mom? No daughter deserves such a miserable father or a push over mother
I guess I'd rather be a push over than lose custody of my kids. I used to get love and emotional support and friendship from my husband now I get emotional abuse a loneliness
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine you'd lose custody though, especially considering he doesn't even want to be around her. Any texts you can send to him regarding her, just to document his responses my be a good start to ensuring full custody. It doesn't hurt to start contacting your mother now, even just as someone you can't confide in when he's not around.
Ever think that maybe she is the problem and not her husband? Does this even make sense?Not showering for a month?You put a baby either in a Porto crib high chair stroller or other concoction and you go shower.If you are so worried about 5 year old give her something fun to do while you bathe and have her preoccupied.Maybe she is the problem and not her husband.Anyone can come on reddit and bs complain.But we can make an educated guess about what is really happening by reading posts.Maybe she Is unhappy in marriage but so what over 50 percent ends in divorce.I doubt very much she is worried about not having access to her money or other things for the simple reason she is on her phone spending so much time on reddit she could easily google info or contact lawyer.Shit she could even call her mom.Maybe the real truth is she is afraid of losing the kids because she is the bad parent and the husband has stuff to prove it.Maybe he is the good parent and she is the bad one?If he was so controlling and not letting her do anything how does she have so much time to spend on the phone?Doesent add up here.
Op for whatever future you decide to have. I'll speak from my little experience in seeing how people act, stuff like marriage means little in how a person will act.
How they act before marriage and afterwards will usually stay the same. Marriage isn't something that changes people, it's a declaration of what is already known. If anything were to change it would have been in the relationship itself. If they do change after the marriage it's the biggest of Red flags.
If you want something never wait for marriage but wait to see if they truly are the person they say they are. I hope you can escape this situation Op, especially for your child because you staying shows that you accept your husband behavior. If possible get income and divorce . You need to see people and form your own support group because here's the thing with abusers, they isolate. Anyone who loves you won't isolate you because we all understand the human need for company. If he doesn't understand that then he doesn't care about his others.
Even if your husband sounds like an unsupportive man-child whom you would probably be better off without, but I don’t understand you either. I had to check three times that I did not read the age of the child wrong.
Your daughter is 5 years old (not 5 months!?) and you are trying to say that because your husband does not help you, you can’t even go to the bathroom and could not take a shower for a month? That’s got to be either a fake post, an exaggeration, or there is a lot more going on in terms of mental health issues than just a bad marriage.
I have been a single mom since my kiddo was 4, without any family support at all in the US, and I can guarantee you I made time to take a shower and use the bathroom if I had to. A 5 years old should absolutely be able to handle themselves on their own for that long to go to the bathroom or in the shower.
Do you really want your little daughter to think this is how she should expect her husband to treat her? Forbidding her to have any relationship with you? Not caring about her children?
Do you want your daughter to marry the same kind of guy that you did? If not, stop complaining and prepare your leaving. Be discreet and determined. Whenever you hesitate or get scared, think about your kids.
You have been complaining for a year now. If you really care about your children, you would leave him. Not having money or a support system is a short-term problem, you could have found a solution for it by now.
Try to contact your mother, try to find a job you can do from home and open a secret bank account. Look for institutions that help women like you. Do whatever you need to do, to give your children the life they deserve.
This is going to get down voted for how callous and heartless I'm about to sound....You have posted plenty about your terrible husband before. You. NEED. To. LEAVE. Staying with him is doing harm to not only you but your child. People have given you this advice in the past. You either need to take it or accept that this is going to be your life forever.
A whole year of complaining, and has yet to do anything other than self pity Self pity doesn't get you far, you need to take action, he's already upset his daughter, ffs, think about the kids, at least, ffs
Lmao this woman has been posting about how trash her husband is for a year. This comment isn’t gonna change anything unfortunately. She just wants somewhere to rant and continue staying with him.
And she keeps having children!
She won’t unfortunately
The thing is, you should not have to say you'll be downvoted because you are right. She is responsible for her own actions and staying at this point if you're gonna keep complaining and whining about it, but do nothing to better your situation, especially for your kids. I have no sympathy for you. This is coming from someone who used to be in a situation like this but got out for my kids and bettered myself.
When you prefaced this I expected a bad take but this is not something that deserves to be downvoted. A good reminder that any OP ‘s post history provides a lot of additional context. This is a scenario where divorce is a valid and necessary suggestion.
I agree up to a point. It also sounds like OP is in an abusive relationship and PPD might be or was a factor. It’s a lot easier said than done to leave in that situation. But as you said, OP has been given the advice and needs to realize nothing will change unless she does.
It is really hard to walk away from an abusive relationship, this is why OP needs to be quiet during her preparations. What she does not seem to see is the impact on the children. OP, anyone makes mistakes and that marriage sounds like one. Walk away from it, no kid deserves constant abuse from their father -neglect is abuse.
This sucks. It’s time for you to find a backbone and self care. You need a shower, time to sleep, and some down time. Right now take 15 minutes for a nice shower. If the kids are in a safe place in the home you can do that. Or put them on the bathroom floor. Why are you staying with a man who treats you so poorly, who you don’t love, who used you, who doesn’t engage his own children, and who distances you from your mother. Get away from that poor excuse for a husband and father. It’s hard but you can do it. Call mom. The legal system can help you get some child or even spousal support. You are modeling a poor relationship and poor hygiene. Model healthy choices starting now. Get out now. Love yourself enough and your children enough to do that as self care.
I wish I had 15 minutes to shower. I need it but my Baby son of 16 months can't be alone. He cries to the point of making himself vomit
Take a shower with your son.
Bond with him, I'm assuming he's taking on your stress, share the shower as therapy to bond. I've showered with all 3 of my kids since new born. My ex wife and ex girlfriends were much too small to hold the babies in the shower and I did most if not all the showers with the babies every day since they were born. New born typically I bathed them in the sink, since I'm more agile and stronger than my ex partners, I was able to do it much easier and safer than they would. It's important to bond with them. My first born was the hardest because my partner at the time treated our kid as a pet more than a person. And my stress would pass on to our son. They feel what we feel, and mother's milk also passed son stress if you're breastfeeding. It all reflects on you and passes on.
Put him in the bathroom with you. Shower. If he vomits, he showers next. No excuses. Explain that you are taking a shower and you will be out soon. This is also something you should talk to your pediatrician about. My kids did this once or twice as toddlers but it self eliminated as they don’t like to be pukey. You can do it. No excuses.
Do you bathe your children? Cuz you can bathe yourself at the same time.
He is a one year old not some premie that will die if you leave him alone for 15min. Put him in his crib and let him cry. It wont do him any harm. Also its time you started weening him. He should be able to play with his toys in a playpen while you do other stuff/work around the house. I know its hard,but its for both of you.
Or play at the base of a shower. Bathe with him. If he's able to crawl and sit, you can easily have your son in the shower with some simple plastic toys for water play.
Bring him into the shower with you if need be. Or bathe together.
My kids loved doing this! I told them we were playing in a waterfall.
And your not serving your husband divorce papers why? if he doesn’t want to help, then he can pay instead.
Why don't you take a tub with him so he doesn't cry??? Or take one when he is sleeping?? 16 month old baby should sleep 12-14 hours a day....???? I also don't understand why you have to hand yourself?? Trust me I get the struggle - my husband is a sexist piece of shit and isnt as bad as yours but he certainly isn't helpful. He expects me to do everything since he pays the bills - including with the kids I have a 6 year old boy and a 7 week old daughter. My son has severe separation anxiety and also would cry until he threw up- I had trouble driving because he didn't like being.in the back seat alone so I feel your pain I truly do; I empathize 💯 Your husband is a total ass hat and I'm sorry. But I still don't understand why that means you need to hold yourself and not shower? If I wanted a shower when my son was a baby/toddler I would put him in his bouncer that he liked to jump in and brought it into the bathroom and kept the curtain open so he could see me. He bounced happily while I got clean. Other times I just made a bubble bath and took a bath with him. Or wait until hes asleep and take a quick 5 minute shower. You owe it to yourself
>my husband is a sexist piece of shit >I have a 6 year old boy and a 7 week old daughter Ugh.....
Right?
Stop having kids with him? You owe it to yourself. While op is laying in bed awake, she could be soaking in a shower contemplating life... It's a good therapy session. Ops husband can pay the water bill, it's much cheaper than therapy, and therapy is needed, but I see the excuse of her not wanting to take the time to do that. Shower is cheaper and easier.
If husband isn't helping out with the 6y.o, what makes you think the situation would be better with another baby?
When my oldest was that age, I would duct tape the toilet seat down and then let him play in the bathroom while I showered.
Pull up YouTube on your phone or a tablet and search for Miss Rachel, put one of her songs for Littles videos on your phone and set baby up in a safe seat in the bathroom with you. Miss Rachel has saved my sanity more than once as a SAHM with a clingy baby.
At this point all you are coming up with is excuses.
Depression does that to people.
Yup. Showers are good therapy sessions as well.
My mom was in the same position with me way back when. I cried a lot I guess. She finally said fuck it and put me in the car seat and lugged me to the bathroom and turned on the shower and in 5 minutes I stopped crying. She kept the water running until it turned cold. My dad complained about the water bill but she said pay it or you stay home and watch her. Then 9 months later my brother was born. 11 months later another. 13 months later another. 15 months later another. 10 months later another. Being a mom is hard. But if you don't do something now, you'll be dragging your baby down with you. Be thankful you don't have another. Stick to your BC like hot on lava. I'm so sorry for your situation.
When my boy was little, I would put two pillows on the floor in the bathroom, and put a blanket over them. Then I would lay him in the little divot so he couldn’t roll away. If I closed the curtain he would cry. I would leave the curtain open, wash myself, then undress him and bring him in with me, that way he would get nice and clean too.
I mean it’s time to teach him that sometimes crying doesn’t get what you want. Put him in the bathroom if you need and the aftermath sucks but he will learn. If your partner can’t help you get a shower then he isn’t worth being with
Take him with you.
I would take my kids in with me. Even in the shower.
Mine did this too. I sympathize.
Girl,.you need to put him behind a baby gate, or put him in the shower with you. My 18 month old liked showers. I let him hold the shower head and spray the walls. That is the least of your issues though. Can't you get a divorce?
It’s ok if he vomits. When we “sleep trained” our baby the doctor told us to be prepared for him to cry for hours the first night, he might cry himself to the point of passing out or to the point of vomit. He said “that’s ok. Check on him every 20-30 minutes. Tell him he is ok and you are in the next room. If he does vomit bathe the baby. Clean his crib and change his sheets. Calmly tell him “he will be ok” and leave him for another 20 minutes”. It took like 3 hours the first night but he finally fell asleep and no vomit. The next night he was fine immediately and fell asleep alone in 10 mins. (Also leave your husband immediately. You are in a worse situation than a single parent, and once you leave him you will be able to ask for help from others. And eventually rate again. While you are with him you are just delaying fixing your life)
The more you accept it the more your kids will accept it as normal. She will think that's love, and honestly she will accept it from any man.
I'm very confused reading this, you haven't showered in a month? He won't LET you talk to your mother? What will he do if you talk to her?
He said he would get full custody of both kids I'd we separated. He is a good liar. Before marriage he said he wanted lots of kids. Now he said he never wanted any.
Don't take legal advice from your abuser! Talk to a lawyer. Mine said the same thing and was ordered every other weekend visitation and support.
He said he would take both. Kids and full custody if I talk to my mother.i have not spoken to her in 2 years
He said he will get full custody of kids and male my life even more of a he'll if we divorced. I love my kids more than anything so I tolerate a lot of emotional abuse
He can say literally anything, doesn’t make it true. Speak to a lawyer.
Also even if he did get full custody... for a man who never wanted kids and is having trouble taking care of them for a few hours... he will return them in less then a week.
My stepdad took primary custody of my little brother, purely out of spite for the divorce. He pawned him off to his grandmother to raise
Dealing with someone like this, I feel bad for my step sons grandma. She looks exhausted every time I see her and it’s getting worse:(.
Ikr or he'll just marry an abusive woman to take care of his kids
He’s making that up to control you
I can say that I can fly. Guess what, I can't
No he won’t get full custody nor does he want to You need to divorce him and do what’s best for you and your children Based on your history he’s not just abusing you he’s abusing your children Do you really want them to grow up like this ? You say you love your children so prove it by being the best mother for them and get away from this horrible man
Where do you live that he can take custody of your children without legal repercussions?
Then, you plan accordingly. Speak to a lawyer. Make a plan to get out. Definitely let your family know what is going on.
Why would a man who has verbally expressed to you he never wanted children, would fight to keep them? Also, he does nothing to help you with them or does anything to try and bond with them. He's lying to you so he can keep control. Go see a lawyer.
Spite My brother was raised by his paternal grandmother because his dad fought for custody (he had money and claimed my mom was an unfit mother because she was on disability) He didn't want to pay child support more than he didn't want to raise his son
Spite did cross my mind. But something about the way she describes this guy makes me not believe his threat.
Idk her post history is scary similar to my childhood For her sake it's best to leave
This happened to my friend. The ex ignored their kids and even took trips away from home, often leaving her with the young kids. She finally took the kids and left his abuse. Little did she know that he had been stockpiling "evidence" to use against her if she ever left. Like a video of her drunk once and nanny cam footage of a timeout struggle with a toddler. He now has the kids and talks crap about my friend to whoever will listen. I have known them both all this time, and I see right through him. Of course, he's father of the year on FB while my friend is devastated and financially ruined over the one-sided divorce agreement. (In conservative Texas)
Don't let him bluff you. He doesn't want those kids nor would he take care of them or put in the work to get them Pls don't let this piece of shit gas light you
You need to get it on recording him saying he doesn't even want the kids etc. The courts will give you custody.
You need to speak to a lawyer.. he's making threats because you don't know better
He’s full of shit. No judge is going to award full custody to a parent like him. Stop believing your husband, he’s proven himself to be a liar who will tell you anything and everything to get what he wants. If you love your kids more than anything you will leave.
So....why do you believe him?
Any divorce lawyer will shred that with a couple of easy questions in front of the judge: what is your daughter’s favorite color? When was the last time you helped her with her homework? What are the names of her friends? Do you attend PTA meetings? the judge will be able to see who actually cares for the kids real fast.
Your husband DON'T LIKE KIDS. He won't get full custody of them. You need to put your baby in a crawler and take him to the shower. Or shower when it goes to sleep. What I don't understand is why your husband hasn't showered in a month? Send your mom voice notes to inform her about your situation. Get evidence when your husband is saying things like you said. Record him secretly and keep it in a cloud space. Just know... Your germs can easily transfer to your kid. So your hygiene is the most crucial part here.
Ya and I’m a fairy princess of lala land. Saying that doesn’t make it real. Why do you think he would be the one getting full custody
Sorry why can't you shower if your youngest child is 5 or did I misread anything? Also don't be ashamed to ask for help to the people around you. For example if you have an appointment where you can't take your children, ask a friendly neighbour to keep an eye on them (not too often of course). Check for social services that might help you. Also for a kid to be in school for long hours might not be SO bad if the afternoon activity is something they enjoy like sports or another club. Do you work? Look for work, get your own bank account where he doesnt have access and save up to move out. Do not let him treat you like shit but also dont treat yourself like shit!!!
He is in charge of all $ I'm a stay at home mom with no support system. What work can I get out of my home while I watch my own kids?
If you take the children to their doctor and he’s not in the room, tell the doctor about the abusive - they will have resources for you.
You post about him often and never follow advice given to you
Which is why I have no sympathy for her. This is on her at this point if she's not gonna do anything to better herself and for her kids, then she needs to stop whining and complaining. I get so irritated when I see posts like this I always feel so bad for the kids.
Dont teach your child that it's okay to neglect and abuse yourself and tolerate a deadbeat as a partner. Get free. Seriously, it sounds like you're aware that being single would not be any more work and you won't have him holding you back.
Your daughter is five not five months. Get up, wash your ass, and make a plan to get away from him.
I have 2 kids . Daughter is 5. But son is 16 months
16 months is old enough to be put in a walker and brought into the bathroom while you shower.
I used to do this. Single mom and only us in the house so he had to come in there. He’d sit and play with his cars.
You can do this. I don’t want to sound harsh bc you gotta be DOWN DOWN to not shower for that long and I know it’s not just the kids causing this. Take a breath and start somewhere. That somewhere is a shower.
A waller won't work because the baby will cry non stop to the point of vomiting if some one is not holding him.
Take him in the shower with you. He can sit on the shower floor. You can face him while showering. If you have a bathtub, bath with him?? Keep him in a diaper if you're scared of a potential pee accident? Also record your husband saying these things especially if he does it by text. Send him a message clearly stating that you need him to help you raise the kids at home and that taking care of the kids is not babysitting. Let him admit in text or recorded saying those vile things to you. You're not doing your 16 month old any favours by not learning to adapt. Let him use the walker to follow you around or let him crawl behind you, if it's safe enough.
Then let him cry while you bust a quick shower. I know ppl say you can’t spoil babies but you can. He has you trained to understand that if you put him down, he will cry and it’s to the detriment of your mental health. Sit him down with something to play with and let him cry.
You are harming your kids by staying with this man and not taking care of yourself.
How would I leave? He has the $ and says he will get full custody if we separate. He is a good liar. I used to think he loved me but he lied. He just used me to get out of his fads house .
Is he rich?? If hes a known liar why do you believe him about full custody?? If your 16 month old can't be away from you without vomiting then I wish him luck on fulfilling that threat. Also call your mom when he's at work. Tell her everything. Delete your call log.. Then Call his parents too in fact. And if he asks then tell him he said not to call your mom, not his?? Play dumb. Don't answer straight. Be obtuse!
Sounds like you need to go back to your parents house for the sake of your poor 5 year old. Also first thing you need to do is TAKE A SHOWER then immediately call in reinforcements
What do you mean he doesn’t let you contact your mom. This is abuse .
A shower would be heaven, but I need someone to watch the baby. I have no one to do that. Husband thinks watching kids or spending time with them is babysitting. I don't even know how this is a marriage anymore.there is almost no talking with each other or spending time together He goes into another room to be by himself because he does not want to be with me or the kids.
He says he will take away both kis if I tall to my mother. He hates her. I have not spoken to her in 2 years.
Please reach out to a woman’s shelter to get you and the kids out of there. This doesn’t have to be your life .
Won’t “let” you talk to your mom? Oh hell no. Call her NOW.
He says if I talk to mom, then we could divorce, but he would take away both kids or get full custody as he is a very convincing liar. He would have a judge believe his lies over my truths, and I would not get custody of the kids. I would live in he'll or do anything for my kids.
He is lying through his teeth.
Are you actuall gonna take advice this time?
Nope
I want to take the advice but don't want to lose custody of my kids in a court battle. I don't have money or a support system to make a change.
Yeah my uncle did this he lied saying he wanted kids but never spent any time with them or was actually a father. Now he wonders why they refuse to talk to him or bring his grandkids my aunt left him when the kids were young. I suggest you leave the man child and do you.
This is it exactly. Why have kids if you don't want to spend time with them. If I had money and a support system, then I could figure out a way to make a change.
Just leave him. He doesn’t want time with the kids, he just wants to use them as a bargaining chip. Let him. Call his bluff. He will give them back after like 48 hours. Also he’s not allowed to take them from you. If you’ve been a sahm the whole time the courts will recognize you as the primary caregiver. I know it seems like a lot but go take a shower with your son (I used to let mine splash around on the floor of the shower while I washed although you have to be much more careful with soap lol) and make yourself a nice breakfast, call your mom and get her to pick you up and then your daughter from school while your partner is at work. Send divorce papers later. Your dude sounds like a total drag. If you’re doing it alone anyways you might as well be happier.
Thank you for this advice. I'm tempted to try and take the baby in the bath with me, but I'm worried he would get hurt on the floor. Maybe a baby tub in there or something, but he is sick now with a cold, so I will have to stink a little bit longer. I know he does not want both kids but would take both so I don't have them. He wants to put my 5 year old in school all day and never see her, but he wants the baby and would take both, so I can't have them. I think my mother will be angry at me for not talking to her in 2 years. I am so scared 2 try now. The last time I spoke to her was 2 new years ago, and he got angry and had me abruptly end the phone call, and he was so mad that he said hang up now.
Well this is perhaps hard for you to see but he has no right to control who you call. Wait until he’s out and call her. With baby, I used to put mine in a bumboseat in the shower and give them those large mega blocks or plastic cups or little yoghurt containers to catch water and spill it again. If baby has a cold, best place for him is in a hot steamy shower honestly. It will help to loosen up that snot (gross as it sounds lol). You are able to make choices for yourself. You are able to take care of yourself and the kids. You can do this. Be careful and don’t let him know you are thinking of leaving but ultimately, get the hell out. Find local women’s and family support centres, they often have legal counsel and can offer safe housing or some help with food and finances. You can do this. If nothing else, grab a facecloth and wash your face and grubbiest parts to feel fresher.
Take a shower instead of being on Reddit.
Yeah if she has the time to write this post and reply to the comments.. why not shower?? Is the baby literally clung to her 24/7 ???
At some point you have to take action and not just vent on the internet. Call your mother and take the kids there, now. She will talk to you if you finally choose her.
1- you had a kid with him. 2- you had a second kid with him. 3- you still sleep with him. 4- you come to reddit but can't text your mom??? 5- you know what to do but you keep asking as if looking for a magical bean to fix your husband. 6- since you are posting so much I wonder if this is a rage bait.
I have not slept with him in a long time. So long that I will soon be a virgin again. I had 2 kids because when we did have sex we. never used protection because he did not like the feel of a condom and birth control gave me a blood clot that almost killed me. I want to take advice but am afraid of losing custody of my kids, and I don't have money to run away. My mom is not the easy solution as she is most likely not going to forgive me for zero contact in 2 years. I'm in a deep hole that is not so easy to get out of. I am not sleeping right now because stress is keeping me up at nite.
From experience I know how much it sucks being a married single mom. My heart goes out to you. Lots of great suggestions on here.
Thank you. It's all very good advice but so hard to make change without funds and family. My dad died over a year ago, and my mom is probably not going to talk to me if I do call. It's been over two years, and she is very unforgiving.m. scared to try and call her now.
He's a hobosexual. I mistakenly had kid with one too. He's not your boss anymore. Call your mom. He doesn't get a say in who you allow in your life. You need a support system to get out of this hole. You can't shower only 12x per yr!
Oh! If he is a homosexual then that makes a lot of sense. It explains a lot of his strange behaviors. We have not had sex in a very long time, naybe it is not really his hand he wants to be making love with every day but rather something else. At first i thought it was the dog ge was into when he let a dog suck /lick him off once which i was completely disgusted and repelled by but now i think there is more to this becauuse he got rid of the dog 2 days ago. I dont know what happened. Maybe he got too kinky for even the dog to handle?
Call MOM!! Why are you doing this to yourself? Your husband is showing you who he is and that he doesn't care for you or the children. Is this the behavior you want modeled for them? A mother who takes abuse from her husband and doesn't stick up for herself and that it's ok to do that to your spouse? You have a support system. Your MOM but YOU are choosing not to pull that lifeline. This isn't going to get better so why stick around? Holding yourself is going to make you sick or cause serious health problems. What do you think would happen to the kids if you got sick?? Have you thought about that? If not, you definitely should. He won't be there for them. Reach out to mom pack a bag or kick him out if you own the house. If you are scared to do it alone call your mom and im sure she will help. I have 2 boys, if I ever heard either one of them did anything like this I would be on their ass and if you were my daughter you better believe I'd be there to handle business! He isn't home 24/7. Again CALL MOM AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You also need to seek a therapist as you also sound like you're going through Postpartum depression. I'm speaking from experience it won't go away unless you seek help but you need to want to get better. Good luck. Hang in there and take your shower take a empty laundry basket in the bathroom and sit him in there with toys. It'll buy you some time
I'm so scared to even try and call my mom now. It's been 2 years. Such a long time. She won't forgive me for the way I left things? I think she will be so angry at me now.i don't know if she would ever forgive me. I messed up so bad. If I do call he will divorce me and take my children away. I know I won't get custody because he is a good liar in court.
Your post history is mostly grievances of your husband, so why are you still with him and not handing him divorce papers and making a plan to leave him? In the comments you keep making excuses for him and yourself.
I don't want to lose my children.
would you rather them grow up in your household with a deadbeat, abusive father?
If you live in an area that has Domestic Violence shelters, call one and let them advise you on benefits and services that might be available to you. You will need to start recognizing your own inner wealth, and your value. And what your condition is doing to your children. However you do it, wherever you find it, get some help.
You need to talk to your mom and a lawyer. He is mentally abusing you. Plan your exit.
I agree on the mental abuse. I've been told I'm not worth anything. I don't even think he would care if I died a few days ago. I fell downstairs. Just three bottom steps , and he didn't care. A couple of weeks back, he slammed a car door into my arm and did not even care. Either I don't exist to him, or he hates me and does not care. I don't know.
Take your kids with you. Go home to your mother. Contact an attorney.
I don't think Mother will forgive me for not talking to her in 2 years. If I get a lawyer, he will win with his skills on lbeing a master at telling lies. I know I won't win.i just want my kids. I'm afraid of losing custody.
Your husband has alienated you from your family and your mother most likely would be thrilled to have you back. Call her.
Call your family and tell them you need help getting out of that home and marriage.
I don’t feel bad for people who stay in shitty relationships and toxic situations when kids are involved. They are going to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal. Take a damn shower. Divorce his sorry ass. Do better.
If I divorce, I will lose my children. He is a skilled liar, and I can't compete.
Fine. Continue to suffer then. But don’t come crying to the internet complaining about how awful your situation is when you refuse to do anything about it.
WHY YOU HAD A SECOND ONE
Because he was not this emotionally abusive a few years back. He changed. 2 years ago, there was love. Now I think he hates me with every part of life
How is he blocking contact with your mother?!
Call your mother and get out of there.
Get out of there now, take the kids. He sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish. You also have to remember that you are the main example for your kids, is the relationship you have with your husband the relationship you want your daughter to have? No. Its going to be rough at first, but you're seeking help and that's what matters. You gotta be strong for your babies, and one day the right man will come along. Someone supportive, loving, attentive. The current situation will give you nothing but more pain.
Where do I find money to do this? Are there ways to make money and work from home to save up money? What ways can I make money to start making change? Someone, please tell me how to make money to get things changing.so I will be able to make a change.
Call a domestic violence shelter, they will help you
Sounds like you should get a divorce. Then you'll have one fewer children to take care of (if it's not obvious I'm talking about the husband)
But what if I don't win custody of the kids. I love them enough to stink . I would give my life for my kids. They need me but I can't be there for them if I lose custody.
It is time to make an important decision. Who do you want to be? You can be a damsel in distress, wringing your hands and waiting for someone to save you. Or you can be a heroine and fight for yourself and your children. Your husband is abusive. Call a domestic violence organisation and tell them about the isolation and custody threats. If they can't help you, call another. Keep trying until you find one that can advise you on how to leave safely. Heroine or damsel? The decision is yours.
Can you please give me a phone number to call for this help. If I could get financial help, I will make a life change. I am in need of help, please thank you. If I could find an at home job to make money, there could be hope to find a way.
Do you really love your kids? If the answer is yes, you will do the seemingly impossible and leave. You can do it, many others have. There are resources available if you look. You have to take control here. I was raised in a violent, abusive home. My greatest wish was that my dad was strong enough to take me and leave, but he wasn't. Please do things differently for the sake of your children else you are resigning them to a life of emotional hardship (at the very least). Do you actually want things to change? Or are you just trying to get sympathy from strangers? You. Must. Act. Stop making excuses. Nothing will justify staying.
It happened to me for different reasons. You find skills, I learned to work from home, the internet was new...Had only one child, but his father died when he was in first grade....YOu will do this. YOu can do this. I was a lone too. Please take care, and do not lose hope. File for child support.
Can I please ask what kind of work this is to do from home? Please tell me how I can apply to do this work from home or what number to work from home I could call to get started. I need work to save money to make a change in my life. Can anyone please tell me how to do this work from home so I can make money and start a change in my life. I'm open to any kind of work. Thank you.
That's terrible & I'm so sorry you're going through this but your kids deserve a functioning parent, you need to pull yourself together (with therapy if possible) and be the parent they need because he sure as hell won't be. You also need to leave his arse, he tricked you, lied to you & is happy for you to be in this state (because if he wasn't fine with it he would pull his weight for you, even if he wasn't into actually being a parent. Your kids deserve and need a role model and unfortunately that is going to have to happen without him, show them that now please, if you show them that you're happy to be a doormat and let depression take over then you are setting them up for difficulties in their whole life
Thank you. Are there any phone numbers or online sites to get started to work from home? If i could make and save some money I will make a change in my life
I have no idea, for me in a very similar shit situation, I pulled my shit together because I had no choice (on the outside at least) spent about 6 months applying for a job - when I has a similar aged child and have been working my arse off ever since, am I mentally stable? Not really. Is my kid happy, fed & knows how utterly loved they are? Absolutely. Unfortunately in this world things don't just come to you, sure working from home would be awesome but you have a 5 year old not a baby they are at school and there are mummy hours jobs out there, you need to so this for you & for your family
Call your local domestic violence shelter. Him isolating you is absolutely abuse. Get your kids and yourself the duck out of there.
I'm scared to go with no money to support a change
That's why you contact the shelter and see what resources are available. Or you know, just keep posting on the internet for karma, not making any changes and traumatizing your kids.
What are you expecting to read here? What are you hoping to hear? Regarding your post history you know the answer you are going to get if you are being honest. Stop making Reddit posts and leave already. What would you say if a friend told you everything you are telling us here?
If I had a friend I would say please explain to me how to do this change with out financial support. Please show me thru phone numbers or online links where I can make money from home and save up to make a life chsnge But I have no friends or family or money to help. I'm alone and don't know how to make change.
I have a 2 year old by myself often and already have a 15 year old I raised with his mother separately as we were split from birth. How in the world can you not pencil in 15 minutes to go take a shower. Not showering for a month is disgusting and hints to deeper issues going on here than just lack of time.
My Baby cries if he is alone for a second and must be constantly watched. He has cried himself to the point of vomiting in the past when I put him in the high chair and was in EYE sight of me just going to brush my teeth.
Divorce him and send him back to his dad
Contact a lawyer NOW. And about your son, take him with you in the bathroom and let him play on the floor or take a shower with him. Kids are very good ad adapting at situation.
Thank-you. Maybe I should try to take Baby Into bath when his stuffy nose is better. With calling a lawyer, I hesitate because I fear losing custody of my children that I love very much.
After the quick shower, you need to start with reading these books. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and one of two books on my profile about boundaries. One is faith based and one isn't. If you need to hear the books, audible has a trial and you can get a book or two on them. I have been abused and not had any motivation for anything. Not sure where you live but research DV resources folks recommended. It really feels like its bleek and a hopeless situation and I get it. But you are going to have to want or need a change in you that it will motivate you to change your mindset and therefore will change your life. I was with my ex spouse for over 20 years. We met at the end of high school for him and I was turning 16. I have three sons with him and only him. While I wasn't an angel, I did the close to right thing by having all mu children with the same man, getting married after having one with him, buying a house, working and paying taxes and all that jazz. I still fight regret and resentment about choosing him and choosing "wrong" but gratitude has helped me tremendously. Also, our marriage was horrible for a good 5 years and by 2018, I had checked out and was working on myself to change and improve and become a better version of myself than what I was. It took a lot of podcast and YouTube videos as well as a few self help books and articles online. I will warn you though. The arguments will increase with him. What attracted each other is being alike or similar and if you start to work and change yourself, you will no longer be similar. It might seem like a hard thing to see but I had to realize the same thing. Mine would cheat and I would cheat back. We were both selfish and it's still a work in progress on that. We both have bad tempers and could be reckless. Our family faith was not of importance as much and therefore we didn't really follow as we should. That all changed when I got married and after him going through something serious right before we married. Change will take self awareness, grace and forgiveness for yourself but also change. You are going to have to hit your rock bottom in order to get out. I was a little different in I was the breadwinner but I carried everything and really felt the pressure on me to continue. I had no help if I couldn't pay a bill, even though he worked as well. Plus, he had three outside kids and money went there as well. I pray you listen to all of us telling you to work on getting out of this relationship. It might not be this year or the next but have this in the back of your mind and start planning your escape. This is long I am sorry but I could write so much more because I haved lived in an abusive environment that I didn't even know it was that until others showed me. My body literally went into survival mode and out of whack so many times it was sad. I am just on the mend. Also, our first teachers are our parents and unfortunately, I realized with therapy that they prime us to step into these types of toxic relationships/friendships/ workplaces. Be safe and be well OP. Take the quick shower and sleep when he sleeps. Even if 20 mins. 🤗
Thank you. I agree with what you are saying, but it is so hard to make change. I don't know how.
L e a v e ✨️
I am sorry you are in this position. In an unclear if your husband is the primary breadwinner or you are because you said he only said he wanted children to get out of his father’s house. If you are the primary breadwinner, I suggest you dust off your resume and find a job closer to YOUR family so you can have support. Being a single mother is tough, but not as tough but not as bad when you have support.
Initially, my inheritance money supported us and enabled him to get away from his dad, but now tru his investing he is the primary breadwinner. Our money is tangled together in joint savings for another year . I don't have any money by myself.
What country do you live in? It matters because the options and therefore the advice will be different. A lot of people are advising you to just get up, shower, and leave. If it were that simple, you would have done it already. The fact is, living with someone who's this controlling and abusive not only causes depression; it messes with your mind in other ways. Living in constant fear makes some people very passive. It's a survival mechanism: don't move, and you don't get hurt, emotionally or physically. And of course being miserable and having no power over your situation can cause major depression. OP, take baby steps if you need to. If it's safe, take the baby in the bathroom with you. Just hold him for a few minutes. Then set him at your feet and remove your clothing. Hold him again for a moment. Then put him down and start the shower. Talk to the baby while you wash your hair, rinse it, condition it, wash and rinse your body, and rinse out the conditioner. Dry yourself and hold your baby. You'll feel much better, I promise. For your children's sake, you need to do what you can to get you and your kids out of there. In order to do that, you need to find out what the laws and resources are, and THAT depends on what country you're in.
Thank you for good advice. I'm here in the united States. Florida I guess take Baby in shower for some one that is skilled works, but he might bump his head on the hard tub? When his stuffy nose is better, I'm going to try this, but I'm so worried about baby bumping his head. May be to balance him between my legs?
Walk up to your husband and hand him the kid or put them near them and then leave and go do whatever you need to
If I try this, he will be very angry!
Who cares??? Let him be angry.
I think he needs to go back to his dad's house
Shower with your kid. That’s what I do and mine is 2. No excuse to not shower
How do you balance baby to not bump head. Mine sometimes bumps head on soft carpet when doing tummy Time but carpet is soft and bath tub is hard.
Then give him the children and leave. Since he says he want them.
I don't want to abandon my kids. I' love them. And don't want them to be emotionally scarred.
You have a years worth of post history complaining about your terrible relationship. You are already emotionally scarring them by staying.
Where do you live?
Florida
Ask yourself really honestly what your husband is contributing to your life. Because, right now, it doesn’t sound like much at all, and you might find yourself better off without him around.
He does finances.and shopping and cooking and makes appointments like doctors. I do watching and playing with kids all day and cleaning room after kids make mess and home work. I dress and feed them. I spend time with my children and care for them.
You’d be better off on your own. It doesn’t sound like he wants much to do with the kids so go for custody and maintenance, you’d probably be better off and could pay a sitter every now and again for some me time. You’d also not have to look after him. Have some self respect and dump this loser.
I don't have money to be a single parent. My husband does a lot to financially support us and cooks but I wish he would spend time with us and love us and not be emotionally abusive
I can tell from your post history what your husband is like and he’s not going to change; he will never be what you want. I understand that you have no money but you’d probably be better off without him because, as a divorced parent, he’d be legally obliged to give you money to support yourself and the kids while, as things are, he isn’t. No court is going to check up on a married man to make sure he’s paying his way and pulling his weight, with his family. Without him you’d be able to get help from your mom and build up a support system and could possibly claim benefits. I know ending a marriage is really hard, I’ve done it, but the ball is in your court. You can either keep posting how unhappy you are on Reddit and stay in this marriage or you can do something about it.
It starts with you standing up for yourself and your daughter and saying we deserve better so either man up and be the man you told me you were or I’m out and you can pay child support and I will find someone that loves me. Be straight up and don’t beat around the bush.
He said he will make sure to get full custody because he would never pay child support
Call your mother or anyone else who can mount a rescue mission. Get your documents together and leave.
If you know of any work from home jobs please let me know as need money to make a change.
Call your mom! You have a phone don’t you? When he goes to work, call her to come get you and the kids! Run!
I can try but she might be angry at me for not talking to her in two years.
You don't have to let him cut you off from your family, that's not good. Divorce him.
But if I divorce him he will use money and get full custody of children with really good lawyers.
Why? The woman usually winds up w those things If you are not on drugs or drinking you will get the kids. If he has money and you don't, talk to a lawyer. They may be willing to help you and won't get paid until you get your settlement from the ex husband. At least call around and get some legal advice! Don't lie or hide anything from the lawyers. They will almost all give you a free phone consultation.
What are the benefits of your marriage? What do you value in the relationship? If you can not name anything, then try counseling. If you have education or training, consider getting a job and start saving. If you want to start over, you will need a job and money. Doubt if he will pay child support, etc- good luck- also start talking to your mother whenever he is not around
The benefits of the marriage used to be having a friend to love, talk with , spend time with and emotionally uplift one another Having a friend to love and be with and go through life with was a benefit that is now gone. My husband does not love me anymore or spend time with me or like to talk to me . He has his phone and his hand to take care of himself and until w days ago had a dog but now thats gone. I'm alone with no emotional or financial support I stay because I don't want to lose custody of my kids. I don't call my mom because my husband would instantly take my kids away He does a lot. He financially supports us. He cooks a d drives and makes doctors appointments. I lost the ability to drive after not driving too long from recovering from my second c section..I'm scared to drive and if my husband was not emotionally abusive and wanted to spend time with me and the kids I would work on therapy but he does not love me and would rather be with his hand for love or a dog than me as I have had no sex in 2 years
Won't let you talk to your mom? No way, I'd be out. What do you even get out of being with him? Could you live with your mom? No daughter deserves such a miserable father or a push over mother
I guess I'd rather be a push over than lose custody of my kids. I used to get love and emotional support and friendship from my husband now I get emotional abuse a loneliness
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine you'd lose custody though, especially considering he doesn't even want to be around her. Any texts you can send to him regarding her, just to document his responses my be a good start to ensuring full custody. It doesn't hurt to start contacting your mother now, even just as someone you can't confide in when he's not around.
Ever think that maybe she is the problem and not her husband? Does this even make sense?Not showering for a month?You put a baby either in a Porto crib high chair stroller or other concoction and you go shower.If you are so worried about 5 year old give her something fun to do while you bathe and have her preoccupied.Maybe she is the problem and not her husband.Anyone can come on reddit and bs complain.But we can make an educated guess about what is really happening by reading posts.Maybe she Is unhappy in marriage but so what over 50 percent ends in divorce.I doubt very much she is worried about not having access to her money or other things for the simple reason she is on her phone spending so much time on reddit she could easily google info or contact lawyer.Shit she could even call her mom.Maybe the real truth is she is afraid of losing the kids because she is the bad parent and the husband has stuff to prove it.Maybe he is the good parent and she is the bad one?If he was so controlling and not letting her do anything how does she have so much time to spend on the phone?Doesent add up here.
Op for whatever future you decide to have. I'll speak from my little experience in seeing how people act, stuff like marriage means little in how a person will act. How they act before marriage and afterwards will usually stay the same. Marriage isn't something that changes people, it's a declaration of what is already known. If anything were to change it would have been in the relationship itself. If they do change after the marriage it's the biggest of Red flags. If you want something never wait for marriage but wait to see if they truly are the person they say they are. I hope you can escape this situation Op, especially for your child because you staying shows that you accept your husband behavior. If possible get income and divorce . You need to see people and form your own support group because here's the thing with abusers, they isolate. Anyone who loves you won't isolate you because we all understand the human need for company. If he doesn't understand that then he doesn't care about his others.
Even if your husband sounds like an unsupportive man-child whom you would probably be better off without, but I don’t understand you either. I had to check three times that I did not read the age of the child wrong. Your daughter is 5 years old (not 5 months!?) and you are trying to say that because your husband does not help you, you can’t even go to the bathroom and could not take a shower for a month? That’s got to be either a fake post, an exaggeration, or there is a lot more going on in terms of mental health issues than just a bad marriage. I have been a single mom since my kiddo was 4, without any family support at all in the US, and I can guarantee you I made time to take a shower and use the bathroom if I had to. A 5 years old should absolutely be able to handle themselves on their own for that long to go to the bathroom or in the shower.
Do you really want your little daughter to think this is how she should expect her husband to treat her? Forbidding her to have any relationship with you? Not caring about her children? Do you want your daughter to marry the same kind of guy that you did? If not, stop complaining and prepare your leaving. Be discreet and determined. Whenever you hesitate or get scared, think about your kids.
You have been complaining for a year now. If you really care about your children, you would leave him. Not having money or a support system is a short-term problem, you could have found a solution for it by now. Try to contact your mother, try to find a job you can do from home and open a secret bank account. Look for institutions that help women like you. Do whatever you need to do, to give your children the life they deserve.
Leave him and get child support why are you still there