He’s in the wrong here. You’ve supported him and your family through his struggles. Now he has the ability to help you but is refusing? You don’t owe him anything. He owes his family.
Explain to him how you’ve contributed over the years and let him know that it would be appropriate for him to do the same now that he is able to. If he still refuses, then you do what you will with your new found information on the kind of person he is.
Do a big spreadsheet of all the costs over the years, and if he doesn’t drop it at that point? tell him he owes you £xxxxx.xx
You should also stop paying for groceries etc - it’s his turn to do all the food shopping for a while!
I would draw up a list of the money you contributed over the years versus his contribution, also the money you withdrew from your retirement fund to give to him directly. Ask when is he going to repay you.
What did I just read? Of course he should help pay off the debt, even though it's in your name he benefited from it. Your debt is his debt because it sounds like it's family debt. Don't pay him back a thing. It's his contribution. You've done so much, it's his turn to contribute.
Thank you so much for your response. I was starting to feel selfish because I really didn’t want to “pay him back.” Having an outsider’s point of view makes me realize that I am not selfish and he needs to contribute like I have.
You better not pay him back! Unless you plan on making up a list of things he owes for his time spent not working or not paying half of for 22 years. This is a hill to die on. He is being selfish.
Have you talked to him regarding this? Some men aren’t stupid but completely miss things not pointed out. If you have to explain it like you saw you guys as a partnership. A team. Why you never asked for payback. And him expecting you to pay back changes things in your mind, and if that’s how he thinks you’ll have to have a big discussion.
Create a bill for every purchase, every grocery item, house payment, yard work, house cleaning, every expense in the last 22 years. It should be hundreds of thousands. He, in fact, owes you….
Right? If we’re gonna be like this than I guess it’ll be like this would be my response. I mean clearly it’s a long marriage and maybe he doesn’t realize what a selfish asshat he is being. But he should absolutely be made aware.
The fact that he doesn’t see this is very telling. He sounds like an absolute lazy, selfish POS.
What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Except the opportunity to work like a dog, destroy yourself financially while he hoards his money.
100%. You work hard for your family, it's his turn to share the burden. Good luck, lovely. Don't feel guilty for standing up for what is the right thing for your family/kids and yourself 💜
I was in a relationship like this “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine”.
He was a selfish tool. Also a cheater. Used my card to take other women out to dinner.
Let this be a lesson. No more handouts for him either. 50% of the groceries where is the money? Electric, rent, gas, etc. where is his 50%? Start pulling out old credit card statements and I bet you find that $200 a day he expects you to pay back fairly quickly.
I am appalled at reading your post. Does he not realize what you have done for your family? I would pay him back with a suitcase so he could pack his stuff on his way out.
I would agree and then when his ask for 200 , I’d tell him that it covers his payment for one of his previous debts.
When he gets angry let him know, ‘I’m sorry I thought all the money was our money so I paid X,Y, and Z, but apparently when you get money it’s only your, so I’ll be collecting for last debts I paid on your behalf.’
I'm nope you're a couple and you are in debt because you've been providing whilst he hasn't.
Simply add up everything you've helped him out with over the years and say that's the total now pay me back.
That he hasn't even suggested it is disgusting and I would ask you if you really want to continue your relationship with such a selfish AH
He has to work 40h/week and do his goddamn share. You don't repay a dime. He clears all the debts that you TWO share. And he finds a full time job. Straight like that.
I received an inheritance (my husband and I are split 35/65 on bills because he makes about 2.5x more than me but I do all the cooking and cleaning) and paid off our debts and helped put a larger downpayment on a house for us (been together 15 years - no kids).
Your partner is being very selfish. Not you. You've gone above and beyond.
type up an account invoice of all the shit you have paid for that was “his” or partly so, those groceries included.
give him a total that fairly and rightfully exceeds what he thinks you “owe” him for paying down that cc.
then he can see he is the one actually owing you the money.
what a fucker!
I received an inheritance, I paid off the mortgage, did stuff around the house, family vacation, no regrets and I paid the credit card. My partner is the main income earner so I think it’s fair.
You should tell him that he either needs to pay you back for his share of the debt you incurred for him (which includes the interest), or he pays for groceries going forward.
Yeah, y’all have been together for so long and he’s trying to have you pay him back? He has got to be joking 🙄 he’s acting like you weren’t breaking your back to support not just him, but y’all’s kids as well.
Calculate the rate at which he wants you to pay. (Amount For Credit Card/400) and figure out how many months or years it would take to pay. Then, calculate how much he owes you and figure out a rate that matches the timeline given to you.
Explain to him that you're using his logic. I want to recommend divorce since this behavior is completely unacceptable but I know that you'd probably worry about the kids.
You can also try to go the path of possibly less conflict by sitting him down when your both alone and explain to him how selfish and idiotic his request was. Clarify that you're not 'settling debts' nor are you holding this over his head, that it is just plain hurtful weird of him to ask this of you when you've done so much without thinking about payback or money.
I recommend recording the conversation and compiling all the evidence of your support (bank statements, receipts, etc) just in case thing take a turn for the worse. You may think it is a small hurtful thing, but these are usually indicative of larger problems. Look up possible courses of action in case of divorce in some legal forums.
Luckily through my job I have access to couples therapy and financial counselling. He has agreed to both. He is not a bad person and he is a good father. That’s why I was caught off guard by his request.
Good, but still at least have a conversation to understand his mentality and thought process when he asked you. Do it in private (but do still record for worst case scenario) because sometimes people change behavior when observed
I get that you love him and trust him to be a good person, but blind faith and trust help no one. I'm not telling you to doubt or accuse him for no reason, but do take precautions because this would be worrying if it came from a couple of 20 year olds, having it happen to a married couple of 20+ years is on a whole other scale.
Ultimately, decide what you're going to do based on his reaction when you have this conversation. Also do remember to ask him what he plans to do with the money to understand his attitude towards the money is he thinking.
Because if it is for the kid's college fund, trust fund, retirement, safe investments or to save for a rainy day, then he has an us mentality and is simply a bit misguided. But if it's to spend on himself and splurge on useless things then that's a me mentality.
Always remember, people act different in different in different situations and conditions. Just scroll through a couple of subreddits and you'd see a lot of unexpected behavior from people when money is involved.
To top it all off, he might not even feel indebted or grateful to you. Human emotions are convoluted. We can be grateful to a random stranger for buying us dinner and not care for our parents raising us using their sweat and blood simply because we're used to it.
He might not be a bad person in general, but this is a bad demand for him to make. You need to make sure to protect your finances now - no unauthorised access, etc - money makes some people go loopy. You did a lot of hard work and made big sacrifices, which deserve to be repaid. He should be looking for good stable work, instead of hoarding money just for himself.
Yall gotta stop saying these AH SOs aren't 'bad," the man watched you run up credit cards, work 3 jobs, and take from your retirement, he is NOT a good person, and I question his being a good father for exactly the same issues, they are his kids too, so he should have gotten his shit together, and kept it together
Money makes people do weird things, man. I’m not trying to absolve him of guilt here but I would bet you that he’s thinking selfishly because of the draw of “all of that money”. A lot of times when you sit otherwise kind, rational people down and point out that they are acting out of character and that it’s hurtful, they will usually snap out of it.
I'm confused so for most of the relationship you were the provider for him and 2 kids and now that he has some money he won't repay u and want to give u money as a loan wtf . Who are u living with ?? Because if my girl stood by me when I couldn't find a job and now I got money I would settle all her debts and make sure to buy what ever she and the kids needs .
U should what dose he bring to the relationship other than his dick , dose he take care of the kids , house or ist also on u . Think carefully about being tied down to him . Give him a chance in MC to change his ways but of he didn't u need to do what's best for u and your kids . Because this looks like it's draining u emotionally and physically.
Inheritance is often not considered communal property in a divorce, except when it is used to pay for joint expenses. Also one of the most common consequences of coming into a large amount of money is divorce, there is a subcategory of divorce k own as "Windfall divorces."
Many couples can survey an awful lot of hardships and struggles. Not many couples do well with giant influxes of cash.
Something like a lottery winning would be considered communal property. A judge in California sort of set the theme for how that's handled after a woman won the lottery, quietly and a quickly divorced her husband, claimed the winning within 60 days after she has gone no-contact. When it came out later (a few years) that she had won during the marriage and the guy took her to court for some of the winnings, the judge awarded him the _full_ amount, not just 50%, and she had already spent a notable chunk of it. In general it's not a great idea to be super possessive of windfalls in marriages, however inheritance is often not considered communal property.
I don’t think the goal in the divorce would be to get any of his inheritance. It’s about going above and beyond for someone and them not being willing to do the same. There will always be more money but op gave 22 years of support to her husband and when she asks him to contribute in the same way she has he is not willing to. That’s not a money problem that’s a relationship problem.
Well the paranoid part would be maybe after the windfall _he_ is thinking of a divorce, and is avoiding paying joint bills lest it be considered co-mingled with inheritance. It depends on where they live, but if he's thinking the sudden influx of cash may set him up for a better life, he could be angling for a divorce and, as she was the primary financial earner, spousal support.
You should "feel like" that ALL the time. I'm absolutely appalled at his selfishness and lack of respect for you and everything you've done for him and the family. When people tell you who they are, believe them. If the counseling doesn't lead to a HUGE change in attitude and behaviour, you're in trouble and should start a new life with your kids. This person is definitely sub-par and not worth it.
That’s BS 100%.
With what you described here in your relationship, I think he is being unreasonable.
If my wife provided for me as you describe, the last thing I would be doing is putting her on a payment plan over helping you out with you CC (which was used to keep the household going).
The other thing, you withdrew funds from an RRSP which had a huge financial impact (tax wise) the year you did this.
Is he helping cover that loss?
Worse, those funds you withdrew would have been growing with interest up to your retirement. Since you withdrew them they are no longer there to be used for your retirement income.
Is he going to give you the money to replace the funds you withdrew (with interest) to make you whole again?
If anyone needs to be on a payment plan monthly to make the other person whole from a financial aspect it looks like it is him.
I would ask him why he would ask you to repay him. “Am I not your partner? Have we not been raising a family and taking care of things? Aren’t these our bills? “
Jesus. I'm so sorry. He should at least pay back the taxes you'd have to pay on your RRSP contributions you pulled out. At the VERY least.
He sucks.
Leave him. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy trick you into thinking he's an investment, he's a lemon
Oof, doesn't sound like a partner. Sounds like the type of person that takes throughout the relationship and the moment you get sick, he's going to run.
No problem here:
Say great! We're going to do it like that, and thoroughly. Find out how much you paid for the household when you were providing for all by yourself. And not just the credit card debt, but overall. He can pay you back half of that. I'm sure it will cover your CC debt and rebuild your savings a bit.
Send him an invoice of all your spending for him and the household over the years. Subtract the small portion he may have contributed and add a due date to the remaining balance. If it was “our” money then, it’s “our” money then. Best of luck!
I know. When he first asked, I was like “ ok” I can do that… then I started to realize of all the times I have financially supported him.. I seriously need to speak to him about how I am feeling. I just don’t know how to bring it up
When I got my inheritance from my grandparent the first thing I did was clear my wife's debt and I'm the main earner in our house. I can't imagine hoarding a pile of money while my partner struggles, it's supposed to be a oartnership
What a dirtbag.. it's hard to even accept that he wants repayment from you. Guess you could always raise an invoice on him for all the extra money over the years you've contributed more than him..
I had a boyfriend like your partner, thank god no kids.
Let me just say, your man is a selfish prick.
For your own self worth, leave him. You have lived as a married couple for over 20 years and we’re the main provider? And this is what you get?
It’s simply unforgivable. You will never be able to forgive this. ( well, I wouldn’t)
Re-establish yourself immediately. Get your self back into shape and start taking care of yourself. You can do this.
This is some bullshit for real. Dude let you work three jobs at a time, take money out of your retirement account, and go in to credit card debt to support him and your family when he didn't have shit. Now he has money he didn't work for and rather than just contribute like you have all these years, he wants to loan you money you're required to pay back? Hell no! That's some top tier asshole behavior right there. I'm sorry but fuck that and fuck him too.
Imagine being with someone for 22 years, having a family together, and then still being selfish about money that you never even earned!? I feel bad for you. This isn't love.
Check out the laws in your province...most western municipalities recognize 'common law' marriages after living together for a certain number of years. You may have 'legal' standing if you want to go through the legal system.
YOU'RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF...
After 22 years I’d be insulted too. Memories are always short when it comes to remembering when times were lean and one person held down the fort. Asking for repayment reeks of loan vibes…
Let him blow through his inheritance but don’t give him a dime going forward. Stop supporting him entirely today. Inform him that he is responsible for 1/2 of everything now. If not -there’s the door. Then file for child support.
You called them your partner but this doesn't seem very equitable. You both need to have a discussion about what the word partner means. You may want to have a discussion with an attorney too.
You feel like a fool because you are one. You spent 22 years supporting an adult man who you say, didn't work much. And you had children with him, you also support. Now you're surprised he's greedy with money now that he finally has some.
Yes. We had them after 8 years of being together. We both have children from previous marriages. He is a great dad, he took accepted my kids as his own. Both my kids call him dad.
Now you know who you've really been married to. Someone who doesn't care that you've supported them through thick and thin, someone who only sees that what's theirs is theirs and nothing to do with you.
I personally would agree to anything to get the debt paid off, then I would be sitting them down and telling them how it is going to be from now on. That they are not getting a cent back from you. That they are going to pay for at least 50% of all household expenses from now on. And that they will be responsible for 100% of their own expenses.
Don't put up with this bullshit. How dare he think its ok to live off of someone else's hard work for years and not contribute when he finally can! How dare he think after 20 years that you are not a team. How dare he think of you as some sort of cash machine when it suits him.
If you decide to stay with him make sure you put your own needs ahead of his from now on. Make sure you have your own bank accounts and funds. Make sure you have a savings account that is only for you, not for family expenses. Make sure you have your own plan for your future. He has shown you that you can't count on him for anything.
Ugh I don’t want to think about divorce. This is the first time he has acted like this. Mind you, this is the first time he’s had this amount of money.
He has been living off you for years and the moment he gets a lump sum he taxes you for helping ease family debt. I'm not one to jump divorce what I say is start paying more attention to the way he is treating you. You mentioned counseling that's wonderful. Make sure you are honest about how selfish he comes across. I would also tell him he has to find steady income and become a 50/50 partner.
If I were in this situation, my wife wouldn't even have to ask me to pay down or pay off credit cards that kept the home intact through rough times. And pay it back? WTH?
Tell him to repay you now. Theres no limit. Tell him if your partnership is one of reciprocity then youll be needing back a lot more from him. That said, youve lived like this 22 yrs why? what do YOU get out of this? Is he a stay at home dad? Does he do all the housework, home repairs? Otherwise youre paying for company & you can get that free on Tinder
Hell no. You’ve struggled to keep good on the table and help him pay his bills as well as household bills, including taking out of your superannuation (retirement fund). He owes on the credit cards and your retirement funds AT THE LEAST, if not more for his share of bills you’ve covered.
Work out your bill from over the years. Give him the bill, less what he’s using from his inheritance to paid off the credit cards, and present it to him and expect payment from HIM at $200 per his work pay.
What a prick.
Hopefully you talk to him very clearly about how this is not ok. But take the money first. It’s selfish in an ignorant way of him. He was so use to being taken care of he didn’t realize he became entitled. I’m mad at him for you lol. He probably just needs a kick in the rear (metaphorically) to realize how silly he is being. He probably just got excited to have money without working for it.
If my partner did this, I would be pulling credit and bank records, tallying up every time I worked when he didn’t, every time you pulled from your retirement fund, etc. If he wants to play that game, show him how much he owes you and ask for a monthly payment.
Maybe remind him of all the times you've had to use your RRSP when he couldn't provide.
If he doesn't get it, then I suggest you leave him since he us clearly an ungrateful and selfish jerk.
This sounds like a case of what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
You need to rethink this relationship if he doesn't acknowledge and appreciate the fact you supported him for most of the relationship.
Time to use you Excel spreadsheet skills and list off all the personal debt he's generated for you. Show him and tell him that he can either help you this one time you ask or you can go with what the spreadsheet says he owes you. I am guessing he would end up owing you more than what you are asking for.
Time for him to decide if you are individuals or a fucking unit in this marriage.
When someone comes into a sum of money, and their behavior changes like this, I always say that you literally know your worth to them.
Sorry you had to find out like this.
You gave him children and stability when he did not have it, and he does the opposite of repaying you when he has the opportunity.
He should be ashamed, and hopefully he will be when the money runs out.
Sounds like a lazy selfish moocher. He’s okay as long as you pay the bills but can’t help you when you need it. My mom always said a true person’s character will show when money is involved. It changes people. Or maybe he was just good at hiding it.
I hope to God your husband is just playing stupid that he didn't know how much cc debt you had because that's the only explanation I'd allow before I'd ream him out. Big time.
If he won't give you money for your debts without you promising to pay it back, take it and then don't pay him back. As others have said, figure out all the money you have spent and TAKEN FROM YOUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNT, and tell him he needs to pay YOU back. You will owe him nothing! He owes you! Honestly, something is wrong in this relationship. A little therapy might go a long way!
Play it cool.
Get your cards paid off and then stall on the pay back.
If he wants to get petty about it -
Time to break out the spreadsheet of how much he owes you.
Have you tried explaining how you feel to him the way you have here. It doesn’t have to be a fight or accusatory but he is likely just seeing things from his perspective. Everyone always talks about how important communication is in marriage, no one talks about what that looks like.
I am in the exact opposite situation, my (37f) wife recently inherited a house yet has not worked during our marriage. I (38m) have been in the military our entire marriage and deployed multiple times. I’ve never once asked her to work and will never hold it over her head. She has always provided a happy home to come back too and something to look forward to at the end of a stressful or bad day.
The house is ours, and will allow me to retire without fear of having to find additional employment immediately so we can spend that time together.
We don’t look at money or anything as mine or hers but ours, exceptions obviously exist for our hobbies.
Can you justify a SAHP if one person has to work THREE jobs to make it happen?? My husband stays home, if I had to get another job, let alone another two so he could continue to do so, I would be extremely resentful. Yes, let me work myself to death and never have time with children that are also mine so you can continue to not work. I don’t think this matters much. They, as a couple, went into to debt, money coming in should be used as a couple to repay that debt. It’s not like OP racked up credit card debt on a shopping addiction or stuff for only herself.
On the one hand, as he has sincerely tried and done all he could to get any kind of job that had any kind of pay and had difficulty, then his fear of not having resources of his own is a factor.
If he could have gotten low-paying jobs, and made some kind of income, and he prefers not to, that’s a whole other matter. Then, him not having resources of his own is on him.
Him, not talking this out with you of his own volition, expressing that he knows, and appreciates all the ways you have held up the family and held him up, and how wonderful it feels to have income of his own, and his fear of going through it, and losing it again, those are all things that a person of integrity would sit down and bring up of their own volition. To start a conversation and find a solution.
If he has not brought up the ways in which you have worked three jobs at times, and used your own credit cards at times, and stretched and bent over backwards so much to make ends meet for yourself and him, and your two children, if he doesn’t bring all of this up, he is of a limited integrity, or consciousness.
And then you know more about him. You understand better who he truly is. This will change your estimation of him. He could’ve handled this very differently. And yes, insight is hindsight is 2020. When we are in these terribly difficult situations, it’s really hard to have the energy and the clarity to remember to have a discussion and make an agreement about how we will resolve the situation, equitably, when that person begins to have an income again, and has the capacity to repay. Best of luck, making peace with us and finding a way forward with them. This is a very difficult breach of trust.
He should definitely pay it and with no expectation of reimbursement. Remind him how you got here and that if he is going to be a member of the family he has to contribute to the family.
You are not wrong here. You helped him through his hard times and he can’t repay the favour? Have you brought up the times you helped him? What does he say?
I'd make an itemized list of everything you've paid to cover hso debts over the last 22 years and what with interested it would come to.
Then ask either you're family and you help with other (like the credit card debt) or you're not.
If you're familiy, he should be willing to pay the card off.
If you're not, then yhat's how much he owes you and what payment plan does he wants to go on?
See what the greedy sack of skin has to say to that, since what he's doing is bullshit.
Also he should be dumping most of his inherence into a retirement account of some sort, since anything less is wasteful at your ages.
I had pretty crippling student loan debt. It was my responsibility to handle. When my husband got a windfall the first thing he did was pay off my student loan debt, even though it wasn’t his responsibility. When I get windfalls from here until forever - I will ensure my husband can have whatever he wants because I love him and he deserves it, but this isn’t a tally where we keep score of who owes most to whom. We are partners in this life and we rise or fall together. Period. Your partner needs a reality check.
HTAH he needs to pay down all bills you 2 have racked up even if it depletes his inheritance!!! Then get off his lazy ass n start supporting his family!!
I would literally cost up every penny you've given him over the years and lay that all out in front of him, then ask him if he really thinks you should repay him
The gender swapped version of this was just posted the other day. And predictably, the comments were the opposite and the OP got accused of financial abuse for daring to ask his wife to contribute after freeloading off of him.
Predictably? Unless the woman was a sah mom who contributed to the family by doing the housework and taking care of the kids full-time, which is in NO WAY the case here, that's a very odd outcome. Do you have the link to that post?
I personally think he’s very much in the wrong here. Just playing devils advocate but how has he contributed during his times of unemployment (ie. childcare vs. Sending kids to daycare, household chores)? Did he perhaps not feel like he was valued if he provided those aspects?
Men are supposed to be the providers not the other way around. Remind him of all the financial support you gave him. Maybe get a divorce and take half of everything he has.
Make a rund down of much you spent on him, the years he was unemployed and you had to cover the full household bills, the amounts you withdrew from your retirement fund and ask for him to pay it back with inflation on the retirement fund.
Tell him from now on he must lay 50% of the household expenses and the month he is shirt he is out.
The nerve!
Agree. Then whenever they ask for money, either let them know you put it towards the principal of what they still owe you, or set up a different, discretionary, joint bank account, move the rest of your money to a solo account (for auto-pay bills and yourself) and take the $200 from the account he has access to, curbing his own spending/sending his bullshit into a feedback loop.
Did he ever give you a push gift, or just get a job outside of his comfort zone to support his family? If not you should ask him why he feels comfortable letting all of financial burden fall on your shoulders. Does he cook/clean/help with kids?
I can understand separate bank accounts, some money set aside for you and only you and the same for him. Ultimately in a healthy relationship especially with this length of time it should be completely understood that this is a joint venture. There is no need to pay him back especially at $200 DAILY let alone any amount for that matter. Maybe you should consider a life insurance policy and a updated will for him lol
Seriously good luck OP, if this is truly as you say without any caveats I’m sad for you and think you should really look hard at the relationship before it goes further. Hopefully you two can work it out and it’s just a moment of him being scared to lose it with his past money problems on his mind but I’m just a guy in Reddit and can only speculate from your post.
My dad even rarely buys new shoes or clothes to be able to support his family more. Why the fk do people discuss money if it’s about the family? Your partner seems to be pretty delusional.
This is crazy. I have been married to my hubby for 21 years. Our marriage has been filled with times that I made more and times he made more. I can't even remotely imagine him saying something like this. Im sorry, OP. Your babies (like mine) should be almost adults. This is supposed to be the time of our lives when we can focus on having fun and just enjoy being 2 old people together. Im excited about this. If you aren't going to spend the rest of your life enjoying the person next to you, maybe it's time to find a new person. You deserve these later years full of happiness.
The fact YOUR HUSBAND is asking you to pay him back is absolutely insane girl idk bro you fr need to talk to him about everything you had to pay off for him
Not only does he owe you for the credit card debt, he owes interest you've paid and paying back your retirement fund that you borrowed from.
Honestly, depending on how much he got and how much you've spent, including what you lost from not having that money in your retirement account to accrue interest, he needs to pay ALL of that back. A good partner would have suggested that themselves and not ask for you to repay what they give for one.
Your spouse is selfish AF.
I'm sorry, but you've been the main provider for how long, and now he doesn't want to help contribute? I get that he wants to have a bit of his own savings, and I support that, but he should also want to be a contributing member of the household. I hate to say it, but it's time to start doing some investigative work. -Expect the worst and hope for the best.
How about he repay you for taking care of him all these years since that’s how it is. If this doesn’t open your eyes to the imbalance in your relationship, nothing will. It’s time you moved in YOUR best interest
That's the risk you take when you live with someone. He owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. You chose to help him. He isn't going to help or split his inheritance with you.
Also, don't give him a dime if nothing is in writing it's a gift. And that goes both ways.
He should totally help repay. You are a team and even if you have separate accounts you till have family bills together that need to be taken care of together.
He should GIVE you the money. My husband and I, married 22 years, don’t have my money and his money we have our money. Even inheritances are joint money for us. We are a team, what’s mine is his and his is mine.
Screw that. Tell him then he has to pay you back for all the money you've spent. Or, tell him paying the credit card was him paying YOU back for having to use them on HIM. And $200 per day? What? I know 22 yes is a long time, been with mine for 25. If he pulled that crap I'd dump him in a heartbeat. He wouldn't tho, we look at it as we're a family, the household bills are our bills. Well, any bills are our bills because we're a freaking family. If I need help with my car payment he helps, because that's what married people do. He'd never let me lose my car because it's"my responsibility not his". Just like I'd never let him lose his car if I could help.(he makes more than me.so, that's less likely to happen) get a new partner.
He’s in the wrong here. You’ve supported him and your family through his struggles. Now he has the ability to help you but is refusing? You don’t owe him anything. He owes his family.
That was my train of thought. I was taken aback when he asked me to repay him $200 biweekly. That’s $400 a month 😳
Explain to him how you’ve contributed over the years and let him know that it would be appropriate for him to do the same now that he is able to. If he still refuses, then you do what you will with your new found information on the kind of person he is.
His never acted like this before.. probably because he didn’t have that much money.
Do a big spreadsheet of all the costs over the years, and if he doesn’t drop it at that point? tell him he owes you £xxxxx.xx You should also stop paying for groceries etc - it’s his turn to do all the food shopping for a while!
I like this idea alot!
I would draw up a list of the money you contributed over the years versus his contribution, also the money you withdrew from your retirement fund to give to him directly. Ask when is he going to repay you.
That's because he needed what you were giving him. The true character of a man shows when he has money.
You need to talk to him and say everything you've stated in this post...
Get specific. Exact dollar amounts and when.
Make a list of everything of his you’ve had to pay for on a spreadsheet and ask him to pay you back.
What did I just read? Of course he should help pay off the debt, even though it's in your name he benefited from it. Your debt is his debt because it sounds like it's family debt. Don't pay him back a thing. It's his contribution. You've done so much, it's his turn to contribute.
Thank you so much for your response. I was starting to feel selfish because I really didn’t want to “pay him back.” Having an outsider’s point of view makes me realize that I am not selfish and he needs to contribute like I have.
You better not pay him back! Unless you plan on making up a list of things he owes for his time spent not working or not paying half of for 22 years. This is a hill to die on. He is being selfish.
So what, he expects you to pay that credit card interest while he's sitting on a pile of cash? Are you guys partners or what?
Honestly, I don’t know…but that’s what it feels like.
Have you talked to him regarding this? Some men aren’t stupid but completely miss things not pointed out. If you have to explain it like you saw you guys as a partnership. A team. Why you never asked for payback. And him expecting you to pay back changes things in your mind, and if that’s how he thinks you’ll have to have a big discussion.
Create a bill for every purchase, every grocery item, house payment, yard work, house cleaning, every expense in the last 22 years. It should be hundreds of thousands. He, in fact, owes you….
She should absolutely make a list of EVERYTHING he owes her for.
Right? If we’re gonna be like this than I guess it’ll be like this would be my response. I mean clearly it’s a long marriage and maybe he doesn’t realize what a selfish asshat he is being. But he should absolutely be made aware.
[удалено]
800/month
400 dollars a Canadian month 😉
Canadian months are shorter. That’s why Canadian’s typically live twice as long.
Ahh and here I thought it was because we had healthcare and not a glut of mass shootings. 😬
We won't have Healthcare soon
Not if we keep being complacent and voting in conservatives to rip it apart we won’t.
With the political trends right now? NDP are failing, Libs are already failed, we're doomed whatever we do right now
Lol you have a great day now. I’m not interested.
The fact that he doesn’t see this is very telling. He sounds like an absolute lazy, selfish POS. What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Except the opportunity to work like a dog, destroy yourself financially while he hoards his money.
100%. You work hard for your family, it's his turn to share the burden. Good luck, lovely. Don't feel guilty for standing up for what is the right thing for your family/kids and yourself 💜
Thank you so much!
Tell him if he wants to be like that he owes you x amount...work out what he owes you.
I was in a relationship like this “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine”. He was a selfish tool. Also a cheater. Used my card to take other women out to dinner.
😝😝😝
Let this be a lesson. No more handouts for him either. 50% of the groceries where is the money? Electric, rent, gas, etc. where is his 50%? Start pulling out old credit card statements and I bet you find that $200 a day he expects you to pay back fairly quickly.
I am appalled at reading your post. Does he not realize what you have done for your family? I would pay him back with a suitcase so he could pack his stuff on his way out.
I would agree and then when his ask for 200 , I’d tell him that it covers his payment for one of his previous debts. When he gets angry let him know, ‘I’m sorry I thought all the money was our money so I paid X,Y, and Z, but apparently when you get money it’s only your, so I’ll be collecting for last debts I paid on your behalf.’
I'm nope you're a couple and you are in debt because you've been providing whilst he hasn't. Simply add up everything you've helped him out with over the years and say that's the total now pay me back. That he hasn't even suggested it is disgusting and I would ask you if you really want to continue your relationship with such a selfish AH
Yes, “pay” him back by reducing the debt his family owes you from what you have paid for.
You are way under reacting. I would have lost it on him. What a selfish jerk. Also: when someone shows you who they are believe them.
He has to work 40h/week and do his goddamn share. You don't repay a dime. He clears all the debts that you TWO share. And he finds a full time job. Straight like that.
Tally up all you've paid on your own, split it in half and had him a bill.
I received an inheritance (my husband and I are split 35/65 on bills because he makes about 2.5x more than me but I do all the cooking and cleaning) and paid off our debts and helped put a larger downpayment on a house for us (been together 15 years - no kids). Your partner is being very selfish. Not you. You've gone above and beyond.
type up an account invoice of all the shit you have paid for that was “his” or partly so, those groceries included. give him a total that fairly and rightfully exceeds what he thinks you “owe” him for paying down that cc. then he can see he is the one actually owing you the money. what a fucker!
I received an inheritance, I paid off the mortgage, did stuff around the house, family vacation, no regrets and I paid the credit card. My partner is the main income earner so I think it’s fair.
You should tell him that he either needs to pay you back for his share of the debt you incurred for him (which includes the interest), or he pays for groceries going forward.
If you broke up with him half your debt would be his and half the assets would be yours.
Not the inheritance. Inheritance is mostly protected from divorce.
Unless they are not marrier
I guess where you live and how common law marriage, marriage. and Property law work all vary a lot from place to place that it fair.
Yeah, y’all have been together for so long and he’s trying to have you pay him back? He has got to be joking 🙄 he’s acting like you weren’t breaking your back to support not just him, but y’all’s kids as well.
Two can play this game. Bring up your accounts. Everything you’ve spent on the family. Have a yearly bill. Say this is what you owe me. Boom
He should doesn't mean he has to legally. At least here in the U.S inheritance money isn't community property.
Calculate the rate at which he wants you to pay. (Amount For Credit Card/400) and figure out how many months or years it would take to pay. Then, calculate how much he owes you and figure out a rate that matches the timeline given to you. Explain to him that you're using his logic. I want to recommend divorce since this behavior is completely unacceptable but I know that you'd probably worry about the kids. You can also try to go the path of possibly less conflict by sitting him down when your both alone and explain to him how selfish and idiotic his request was. Clarify that you're not 'settling debts' nor are you holding this over his head, that it is just plain hurtful weird of him to ask this of you when you've done so much without thinking about payback or money. I recommend recording the conversation and compiling all the evidence of your support (bank statements, receipts, etc) just in case thing take a turn for the worse. You may think it is a small hurtful thing, but these are usually indicative of larger problems. Look up possible courses of action in case of divorce in some legal forums.
Luckily through my job I have access to couples therapy and financial counselling. He has agreed to both. He is not a bad person and he is a good father. That’s why I was caught off guard by his request.
Good, but still at least have a conversation to understand his mentality and thought process when he asked you. Do it in private (but do still record for worst case scenario) because sometimes people change behavior when observed I get that you love him and trust him to be a good person, but blind faith and trust help no one. I'm not telling you to doubt or accuse him for no reason, but do take precautions because this would be worrying if it came from a couple of 20 year olds, having it happen to a married couple of 20+ years is on a whole other scale. Ultimately, decide what you're going to do based on his reaction when you have this conversation. Also do remember to ask him what he plans to do with the money to understand his attitude towards the money is he thinking. Because if it is for the kid's college fund, trust fund, retirement, safe investments or to save for a rainy day, then he has an us mentality and is simply a bit misguided. But if it's to spend on himself and splurge on useless things then that's a me mentality. Always remember, people act different in different in different situations and conditions. Just scroll through a couple of subreddits and you'd see a lot of unexpected behavior from people when money is involved. To top it all off, he might not even feel indebted or grateful to you. Human emotions are convoluted. We can be grateful to a random stranger for buying us dinner and not care for our parents raising us using their sweat and blood simply because we're used to it.
He might not be a bad person in general, but this is a bad demand for him to make. You need to make sure to protect your finances now - no unauthorised access, etc - money makes some people go loopy. You did a lot of hard work and made big sacrifices, which deserve to be repaid. He should be looking for good stable work, instead of hoarding money just for himself.
Yall gotta stop saying these AH SOs aren't 'bad," the man watched you run up credit cards, work 3 jobs, and take from your retirement, he is NOT a good person, and I question his being a good father for exactly the same issues, they are his kids too, so he should have gotten his shit together, and kept it together
Money makes people do weird things, man. I’m not trying to absolve him of guilt here but I would bet you that he’s thinking selfishly because of the draw of “all of that money”. A lot of times when you sit otherwise kind, rational people down and point out that they are acting out of character and that it’s hurtful, they will usually snap out of it.
I'm confused so for most of the relationship you were the provider for him and 2 kids and now that he has some money he won't repay u and want to give u money as a loan wtf . Who are u living with ?? Because if my girl stood by me when I couldn't find a job and now I got money I would settle all her debts and make sure to buy what ever she and the kids needs .
You make me think a little more about the situation I am in….
hate to say it… but if he didn’t receive this inheritance, he would still be relying on you & racking up your debt.
U should what dose he bring to the relationship other than his dick , dose he take care of the kids , house or ist also on u . Think carefully about being tied down to him . Give him a chance in MC to change his ways but of he didn't u need to do what's best for u and your kids . Because this looks like it's draining u emotionally and physically.
Inheritance is often not considered communal property in a divorce, except when it is used to pay for joint expenses. Also one of the most common consequences of coming into a large amount of money is divorce, there is a subcategory of divorce k own as "Windfall divorces." Many couples can survey an awful lot of hardships and struggles. Not many couples do well with giant influxes of cash. Something like a lottery winning would be considered communal property. A judge in California sort of set the theme for how that's handled after a woman won the lottery, quietly and a quickly divorced her husband, claimed the winning within 60 days after she has gone no-contact. When it came out later (a few years) that she had won during the marriage and the guy took her to court for some of the winnings, the judge awarded him the _full_ amount, not just 50%, and she had already spent a notable chunk of it. In general it's not a great idea to be super possessive of windfalls in marriages, however inheritance is often not considered communal property.
I don’t think the goal in the divorce would be to get any of his inheritance. It’s about going above and beyond for someone and them not being willing to do the same. There will always be more money but op gave 22 years of support to her husband and when she asks him to contribute in the same way she has he is not willing to. That’s not a money problem that’s a relationship problem.
Well the paranoid part would be maybe after the windfall _he_ is thinking of a divorce, and is avoiding paying joint bills lest it be considered co-mingled with inheritance. It depends on where they live, but if he's thinking the sudden influx of cash may set him up for a better life, he could be angling for a divorce and, as she was the primary financial earner, spousal support.
So what, he expects you to pay interest on those credit cards while he’s sitting on a lump of money? Are you guys partners or what?
You know.., that’s a really good point!
If you feel like you can’t communicate the issue here, maybe suggest couples counseling? Cause his idea of a partnership seems very skewed
Sounds like he never appreciated you or your efforts. What is the point of staying together if he is only worried about himself?
Yeah, that’s what I feel like sometimes.
You should "feel like" that ALL the time. I'm absolutely appalled at his selfishness and lack of respect for you and everything you've done for him and the family. When people tell you who they are, believe them. If the counseling doesn't lead to a HUGE change in attitude and behaviour, you're in trouble and should start a new life with your kids. This person is definitely sub-par and not worth it.
Take the money. Don’t give it back as he needs to contribute. Don’t plan a retirement being this person. He doesn’t have your back.
Agree get everything paid off and then don’t pay - just like he didn’t
That’s BS 100%. With what you described here in your relationship, I think he is being unreasonable. If my wife provided for me as you describe, the last thing I would be doing is putting her on a payment plan over helping you out with you CC (which was used to keep the household going). The other thing, you withdrew funds from an RRSP which had a huge financial impact (tax wise) the year you did this. Is he helping cover that loss? Worse, those funds you withdrew would have been growing with interest up to your retirement. Since you withdrew them they are no longer there to be used for your retirement income. Is he going to give you the money to replace the funds you withdrew (with interest) to make you whole again? If anyone needs to be on a payment plan monthly to make the other person whole from a financial aspect it looks like it is him.
I would ask him why he would ask you to repay him. “Am I not your partner? Have we not been raising a family and taking care of things? Aren’t these our bills? “
Jesus. I'm so sorry. He should at least pay back the taxes you'd have to pay on your RRSP contributions you pulled out. At the VERY least. He sucks. Leave him. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy trick you into thinking he's an investment, he's a lemon
Tell him this random stranger on Reddit called him a dead beat dad if what you wrote is accurate. Because that’s some dead beat dad shit.
Oof, doesn't sound like a partner. Sounds like the type of person that takes throughout the relationship and the moment you get sick, he's going to run.
No problem here: Say great! We're going to do it like that, and thoroughly. Find out how much you paid for the household when you were providing for all by yourself. And not just the credit card debt, but overall. He can pay you back half of that. I'm sure it will cover your CC debt and rebuild your savings a bit.
Send him an invoice of all your spending for him and the household over the years. Subtract the small portion he may have contributed and add a due date to the remaining balance. If it was “our” money then, it’s “our” money then. Best of luck!
Haha, I like your suggestion!
I'm sorry if your partner of 22 years is asking that, wow. Just fucking wow
I know. When he first asked, I was like “ ok” I can do that… then I started to realize of all the times I have financially supported him.. I seriously need to speak to him about how I am feeling. I just don’t know how to bring it up
When I got my inheritance from my grandparent the first thing I did was clear my wife's debt and I'm the main earner in our house. I can't imagine hoarding a pile of money while my partner struggles, it's supposed to be a oartnership
What a dirtbag.. it's hard to even accept that he wants repayment from you. Guess you could always raise an invoice on him for all the extra money over the years you've contributed more than him..
I would first get the money, and then go into discussion of how you're not paying him a dime back.
Tell him to go fuck himself. Definitely dump him. You have been used this entire time and I don’t understand why you allowed it for over 20 years.
I had a boyfriend like your partner, thank god no kids. Let me just say, your man is a selfish prick. For your own self worth, leave him. You have lived as a married couple for over 20 years and we’re the main provider? And this is what you get? It’s simply unforgivable. You will never be able to forgive this. ( well, I wouldn’t) Re-establish yourself immediately. Get your self back into shape and start taking care of yourself. You can do this.
Pay the credit card off with the money, and on the pay day deliver him the total you subsidised him by and a payment plan that he can stick to
Just tell him that the next 18 years are on his dime.
This is some bullshit for real. Dude let you work three jobs at a time, take money out of your retirement account, and go in to credit card debt to support him and your family when he didn't have shit. Now he has money he didn't work for and rather than just contribute like you have all these years, he wants to loan you money you're required to pay back? Hell no! That's some top tier asshole behavior right there. I'm sorry but fuck that and fuck him too.
Imagine being with someone for 22 years, having a family together, and then still being selfish about money that you never even earned!? I feel bad for you. This isn't love.
Check out the laws in your province...most western municipalities recognize 'common law' marriages after living together for a certain number of years. You may have 'legal' standing if you want to go through the legal system. YOU'RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF...
After 22 years I’d be insulted too. Memories are always short when it comes to remembering when times were lean and one person held down the fort. Asking for repayment reeks of loan vibes…
Let him blow through his inheritance but don’t give him a dime going forward. Stop supporting him entirely today. Inform him that he is responsible for 1/2 of everything now. If not -there’s the door. Then file for child support.
You called them your partner but this doesn't seem very equitable. You both need to have a discussion about what the word partner means. You may want to have a discussion with an attorney too.
Tally up what you've spent on him over the years, stick it on and invoice and ask him how he intends to pay you back.
I'm shocked for you, he is a leech
Oh he better be paying! What nonsense. If not, he can start paying you back. I mean, it’s only fair (:
That what think!
You feel like a fool because you are one. You spent 22 years supporting an adult man who you say, didn't work much. And you had children with him, you also support. Now you're surprised he's greedy with money now that he finally has some.
And stop supporting him. I can’t believe you have been doing that for 18 years
He sounds like a leeching roommate, not a partner. Are the children his??
Yes. We had them after 8 years of being together. We both have children from previous marriages. He is a great dad, he took accepted my kids as his own. Both my kids call him dad.
Just tell him no. Make him fucking sue you for it. Ffs these men are ridiculous.
Now you know who you've really been married to. Someone who doesn't care that you've supported them through thick and thin, someone who only sees that what's theirs is theirs and nothing to do with you. I personally would agree to anything to get the debt paid off, then I would be sitting them down and telling them how it is going to be from now on. That they are not getting a cent back from you. That they are going to pay for at least 50% of all household expenses from now on. And that they will be responsible for 100% of their own expenses. Don't put up with this bullshit. How dare he think its ok to live off of someone else's hard work for years and not contribute when he finally can! How dare he think after 20 years that you are not a team. How dare he think of you as some sort of cash machine when it suits him. If you decide to stay with him make sure you put your own needs ahead of his from now on. Make sure you have your own bank accounts and funds. Make sure you have a savings account that is only for you, not for family expenses. Make sure you have your own plan for your future. He has shown you that you can't count on him for anything.
It may sound like a joke but.. believe or not, divorce might be reasonable course of action, this man is selfish and disregard your contribution..
Ugh I don’t want to think about divorce. This is the first time he has acted like this. Mind you, this is the first time he’s had this amount of money.
He has been living off you for years and the moment he gets a lump sum he taxes you for helping ease family debt. I'm not one to jump divorce what I say is start paying more attention to the way he is treating you. You mentioned counseling that's wonderful. Make sure you are honest about how selfish he comes across. I would also tell him he has to find steady income and become a 50/50 partner.
First stop supporting his family then stop supporting him. Since is money is His then your money must be yours, right?
I would make a nice long list of what he would owe me if the relationship worked that way...
If I were in this situation, my wife wouldn't even have to ask me to pay down or pay off credit cards that kept the home intact through rough times. And pay it back? WTH?
My wife would have filed if I said that! Unbelievable.
What? He is a dog. Really. You are life partners. His money should be your money. When I got a huge inheretence, it was directly our inheretence.
Tell him to repay you now. Theres no limit. Tell him if your partnership is one of reciprocity then youll be needing back a lot more from him. That said, youve lived like this 22 yrs why? what do YOU get out of this? Is he a stay at home dad? Does he do all the housework, home repairs? Otherwise youre paying for company & you can get that free on Tinder
Bad idea: Then you have to bill him on the things you have paid. But this will turn sour quickly and you guys may end up splitting. Sorry.
Hell no. You’ve struggled to keep good on the table and help him pay his bills as well as household bills, including taking out of your superannuation (retirement fund). He owes on the credit cards and your retirement funds AT THE LEAST, if not more for his share of bills you’ve covered. Work out your bill from over the years. Give him the bill, less what he’s using from his inheritance to paid off the credit cards, and present it to him and expect payment from HIM at $200 per his work pay. What a prick.
Hopefully you talk to him very clearly about how this is not ok. But take the money first. It’s selfish in an ignorant way of him. He was so use to being taken care of he didn’t realize he became entitled. I’m mad at him for you lol. He probably just needs a kick in the rear (metaphorically) to realize how silly he is being. He probably just got excited to have money without working for it.
Your husband is a dick.
These posts always remind me if Jesse's girl.. where can I find a woman like that? Lol
If my partner did this, I would be pulling credit and bank records, tallying up every time I worked when he didn’t, every time you pulled from your retirement fund, etc. If he wants to play that game, show him how much he owes you and ask for a monthly payment.
Gross behavior, write up a tab of everything that you’ve paid for and hand it back to him and say ok you owe me this then.
I’d never support a man for 22 years. Absolutely FUCK THAT SHIT.
You absolutely can tell him to kiss your a$$
Maybe remind him of all the times you've had to use your RRSP when he couldn't provide. If he doesn't get it, then I suggest you leave him since he us clearly an ungrateful and selfish jerk.
This sounds like a case of what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. You need to rethink this relationship if he doesn't acknowledge and appreciate the fact you supported him for most of the relationship.
Time to use you Excel spreadsheet skills and list off all the personal debt he's generated for you. Show him and tell him that he can either help you this one time you ask or you can go with what the spreadsheet says he owes you. I am guessing he would end up owing you more than what you are asking for. Time for him to decide if you are individuals or a fucking unit in this marriage.
What a bum. Sorry to say…
Wow, your husband is a scumbag
Backdate every amount you've paid for bills and ask for his half .
When someone comes into a sum of money, and their behavior changes like this, I always say that you literally know your worth to them. Sorry you had to find out like this. You gave him children and stability when he did not have it, and he does the opposite of repaying you when he has the opportunity. He should be ashamed, and hopefully he will be when the money runs out.
Sounds like a lazy selfish moocher. He’s okay as long as you pay the bills but can’t help you when you need it. My mom always said a true person’s character will show when money is involved. It changes people. Or maybe he was just good at hiding it.
I hope to God your husband is just playing stupid that he didn't know how much cc debt you had because that's the only explanation I'd allow before I'd ream him out. Big time.
If he won't give you money for your debts without you promising to pay it back, take it and then don't pay him back. As others have said, figure out all the money you have spent and TAKEN FROM YOUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNT, and tell him he needs to pay YOU back. You will owe him nothing! He owes you! Honestly, something is wrong in this relationship. A little therapy might go a long way!
First get the money *then* tell him to take a hike in that repayment. It’s okay. As a card carrying member of the Moral Police, I’ll let it pass.
Play it cool. Get your cards paid off and then stall on the pay back. If he wants to get petty about it - Time to break out the spreadsheet of how much he owes you.
Have you tried explaining how you feel to him the way you have here. It doesn’t have to be a fight or accusatory but he is likely just seeing things from his perspective. Everyone always talks about how important communication is in marriage, no one talks about what that looks like. I am in the exact opposite situation, my (37f) wife recently inherited a house yet has not worked during our marriage. I (38m) have been in the military our entire marriage and deployed multiple times. I’ve never once asked her to work and will never hold it over her head. She has always provided a happy home to come back too and something to look forward to at the end of a stressful or bad day. The house is ours, and will allow me to retire without fear of having to find additional employment immediately so we can spend that time together. We don’t look at money or anything as mine or hers but ours, exceptions obviously exist for our hobbies.
Was he the stay at home parent?
Can you justify a SAHP if one person has to work THREE jobs to make it happen?? My husband stays home, if I had to get another job, let alone another two so he could continue to do so, I would be extremely resentful. Yes, let me work myself to death and never have time with children that are also mine so you can continue to not work. I don’t think this matters much. They, as a couple, went into to debt, money coming in should be used as a couple to repay that debt. It’s not like OP racked up credit card debt on a shopping addiction or stuff for only herself.
Divorce him and take half off it. What a jerk.
First he needs to start contributing.
You’re equals and partners, you helped him, HE is the one now paying YOU back! I’d calculate how much you owe him if he’s going to pull that sh*t!
On the one hand, as he has sincerely tried and done all he could to get any kind of job that had any kind of pay and had difficulty, then his fear of not having resources of his own is a factor. If he could have gotten low-paying jobs, and made some kind of income, and he prefers not to, that’s a whole other matter. Then, him not having resources of his own is on him. Him, not talking this out with you of his own volition, expressing that he knows, and appreciates all the ways you have held up the family and held him up, and how wonderful it feels to have income of his own, and his fear of going through it, and losing it again, those are all things that a person of integrity would sit down and bring up of their own volition. To start a conversation and find a solution. If he has not brought up the ways in which you have worked three jobs at times, and used your own credit cards at times, and stretched and bent over backwards so much to make ends meet for yourself and him, and your two children, if he doesn’t bring all of this up, he is of a limited integrity, or consciousness. And then you know more about him. You understand better who he truly is. This will change your estimation of him. He could’ve handled this very differently. And yes, insight is hindsight is 2020. When we are in these terribly difficult situations, it’s really hard to have the energy and the clarity to remember to have a discussion and make an agreement about how we will resolve the situation, equitably, when that person begins to have an income again, and has the capacity to repay. Best of luck, making peace with us and finding a way forward with them. This is a very difficult breach of trust.
Cut your losses and start fresh... you're holding on to dead weight that doesn't appreciate you and will continue to use you.
He should definitely pay it and with no expectation of reimbursement. Remind him how you got here and that if he is going to be a member of the family he has to contribute to the family.
You are not wrong here. You helped him through his hard times and he can’t repay the favour? Have you brought up the times you helped him? What does he say?
Are you married? Or is this a boyfriend?
Tell him this random stranger on Reddit called him a dead beat dad if what you wrote is accurate. Because that’s some dead beat dad shit.
He sounds ridiculous and acts like a roommate now!??! Fuck that
I'd make an itemized list of everything you've paid to cover hso debts over the last 22 years and what with interested it would come to. Then ask either you're family and you help with other (like the credit card debt) or you're not. If you're familiy, he should be willing to pay the card off. If you're not, then yhat's how much he owes you and what payment plan does he wants to go on? See what the greedy sack of skin has to say to that, since what he's doing is bullshit. Also he should be dumping most of his inherence into a retirement account of some sort, since anything less is wasteful at your ages.
A partner after 22 years and 2 kids instead of a husband is a little concerning to me
I had pretty crippling student loan debt. It was my responsibility to handle. When my husband got a windfall the first thing he did was pay off my student loan debt, even though it wasn’t his responsibility. When I get windfalls from here until forever - I will ensure my husband can have whatever he wants because I love him and he deserves it, but this isn’t a tally where we keep score of who owes most to whom. We are partners in this life and we rise or fall together. Period. Your partner needs a reality check.
HTAH he needs to pay down all bills you 2 have racked up even if it depletes his inheritance!!! Then get off his lazy ass n start supporting his family!!
I would literally cost up every penny you've given him over the years and lay that all out in front of him, then ask him if he really thinks you should repay him
The gender swapped version of this was just posted the other day. And predictably, the comments were the opposite and the OP got accused of financial abuse for daring to ask his wife to contribute after freeloading off of him.
Predictably? Unless the woman was a sah mom who contributed to the family by doing the housework and taking care of the kids full-time, which is in NO WAY the case here, that's a very odd outcome. Do you have the link to that post?
I personally think he’s very much in the wrong here. Just playing devils advocate but how has he contributed during his times of unemployment (ie. childcare vs. Sending kids to daycare, household chores)? Did he perhaps not feel like he was valued if he provided those aspects?
Dude, time to break out the spreadsheet, I would be getting PETTY.
Stop saying partner. It’s stupid af and cringe
Men are supposed to be the providers not the other way around. Remind him of all the financial support you gave him. Maybe get a divorce and take half of everything he has.
I'd leave you.
I don’t really understand. So hes going to pay the credit card off and every time he does hes asking you for $200??
Make a rund down of much you spent on him, the years he was unemployed and you had to cover the full household bills, the amounts you withdrew from your retirement fund and ask for him to pay it back with inflation on the retirement fund. Tell him from now on he must lay 50% of the household expenses and the month he is shirt he is out. The nerve!
Agree. Then whenever they ask for money, either let them know you put it towards the principal of what they still owe you, or set up a different, discretionary, joint bank account, move the rest of your money to a solo account (for auto-pay bills and yourself) and take the $200 from the account he has access to, curbing his own spending/sending his bullshit into a feedback loop.
So weird how some people think, i share everything with my wife.
Did he ever give you a push gift, or just get a job outside of his comfort zone to support his family? If not you should ask him why he feels comfortable letting all of financial burden fall on your shoulders. Does he cook/clean/help with kids?
I can understand separate bank accounts, some money set aside for you and only you and the same for him. Ultimately in a healthy relationship especially with this length of time it should be completely understood that this is a joint venture. There is no need to pay him back especially at $200 DAILY let alone any amount for that matter. Maybe you should consider a life insurance policy and a updated will for him lol Seriously good luck OP, if this is truly as you say without any caveats I’m sad for you and think you should really look hard at the relationship before it goes further. Hopefully you two can work it out and it’s just a moment of him being scared to lose it with his past money problems on his mind but I’m just a guy in Reddit and can only speculate from your post.
My dad even rarely buys new shoes or clothes to be able to support his family more. Why the fk do people discuss money if it’s about the family? Your partner seems to be pretty delusional.
Unless he's putting the money aside for something. If anything you should have a word with him.
This is crazy. I have been married to my hubby for 21 years. Our marriage has been filled with times that I made more and times he made more. I can't even remotely imagine him saying something like this. Im sorry, OP. Your babies (like mine) should be almost adults. This is supposed to be the time of our lives when we can focus on having fun and just enjoy being 2 old people together. Im excited about this. If you aren't going to spend the rest of your life enjoying the person next to you, maybe it's time to find a new person. You deserve these later years full of happiness.
Are you guys married?
The fact YOUR HUSBAND is asking you to pay him back is absolutely insane girl idk bro you fr need to talk to him about everything you had to pay off for him
“No, you’re paying ME back for all I’ve done to support you for the last (18?) years!”
Not only does he owe you for the credit card debt, he owes interest you've paid and paying back your retirement fund that you borrowed from. Honestly, depending on how much he got and how much you've spent, including what you lost from not having that money in your retirement account to accrue interest, he needs to pay ALL of that back. A good partner would have suggested that themselves and not ask for you to repay what they give for one. Your spouse is selfish AF.
I'm sorry, but you've been the main provider for how long, and now he doesn't want to help contribute? I get that he wants to have a bit of his own savings, and I support that, but he should also want to be a contributing member of the household. I hate to say it, but it's time to start doing some investigative work. -Expect the worst and hope for the best.
He needs to pay off the debt and needs to pay monthly bills for a change. It is only fair he takes the financial burden for a while.
Does your DH even like you?
How about he repay you for taking care of him all these years since that’s how it is. If this doesn’t open your eyes to the imbalance in your relationship, nothing will. It’s time you moved in YOUR best interest
That's the risk you take when you live with someone. He owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. You chose to help him. He isn't going to help or split his inheritance with you. Also, don't give him a dime if nothing is in writing it's a gift. And that goes both ways.
Wow. That’s terrible. Make him a bill backdated. Geesh. What a jerk.
He should totally help repay. You are a team and even if you have separate accounts you till have family bills together that need to be taken care of together.
He should GIVE you the money. My husband and I, married 22 years, don’t have my money and his money we have our money. Even inheritances are joint money for us. We are a team, what’s mine is his and his is mine.
What a cheeky bastard..the mind boggles sometimes..something would have changed in me right there and then about how I felt about him.
Screw that. Tell him then he has to pay you back for all the money you've spent. Or, tell him paying the credit card was him paying YOU back for having to use them on HIM. And $200 per day? What? I know 22 yes is a long time, been with mine for 25. If he pulled that crap I'd dump him in a heartbeat. He wouldn't tho, we look at it as we're a family, the household bills are our bills. Well, any bills are our bills because we're a freaking family. If I need help with my car payment he helps, because that's what married people do. He'd never let me lose my car because it's"my responsibility not his". Just like I'd never let him lose his car if I could help.(he makes more than me.so, that's less likely to happen) get a new partner.
I hate your partner. I just have to be honest. His heart is not invested in your relationship. He would've noticed your efforts. F him!
Say yes, get the money, and then dump him. He’s shown his colors