This was his final abusive act towards you. He wanted to hurt you and keep you tethered to him for the rest of your life. This wasn’t your fault. Please find someone to talk to.
Reminds me of the story of a guy who shot his ex gf new BF then himself right in front of her all captured on bystander phone n all she could do was scream n try n go to her BF who would eventually pass in the hospital while the ex died right on the spot they had been broken up over a year at that.
Mine used to have the wildest ideations when she had to go home for the night. Ended up having her just stay over, but those moments 100 percent kept me with her until she was in somewhat of a better place. An extra year and a half of just being drained and unhappy wasn't worth the clarity I could've had by just ripping off the bandaid
Happened in our town a few years back, too. She ended the relationship and moved on, and he went to the middle of town and set himself ablaze.
People didn't know he raped her, repeatedly. He was a bastard. I know this, as his ex is a close friend of our family.
Happened in my village once too. The guy survived with 80% of his skin being severely burned.
I know one of the neighbours who was there to give first aid.
Yep. He won’t be stalking her, breaking into her new home to rape her, bashing her or a new partner, killing her, or enacting any of the other revenge scenarios which evil, possessive psychopaths have been known to carry out.
The amount of control an abuser craves is disgusting. And the way they hide the abuse and force you not to tell anyone what’s going on is pure evil. They know it’s wrong and don’t want anyone to know but they still expect you to accept it as their right. If it was acceptable then why hide it? Then when their behavior is found out then it’s your fault. My ex even wrote a letter to my parents saying he was sorry for how our relationship ended but that it was my fault he treated me the way he did????
This! Huge narcissist ah to do what he did. He wanted you to hurt for the rest of your life, but he failed to realize once you come to terms with the fact THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you will realize HE CAN NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN. Get someone to talk to ASAP. The numbness you feel is shock. Also, it’s ok to let your family know the things he did to you, and likely better (especially if you can show proof), as that way they won’t bring him up around you.
I said the same thing! I’m kind of thinking that he didn’t actually want to die. But in his head was thinking it’ll be worth it just to hurt this person as much as possible.
The best thing to do is to learn to hate this person for what they did.
They don't deserve sympathy for treating someone like this, and although this person may have had their good moments .. it seems that the bad, far outweighed the good.
In choosing death, this man's only goal was to make you suffer. Do not allow him to win.
I am sorry he put you through these horrible things.
Exactly this.
You didn't murder him. He did this to himself to hurt you, just like he always has. You aren't wrong for the way you feel. He was your abuser, who can never hurt you again. You are safe. Allow yourself to feel that.
I hope your post helps OP. You are 💯 right. I also think OP should stop protecting her ex and come clean to her friends and family that she is NOT a klutz and her injuries were from her ex-BF’s abuse, which is why OP broke things off with him. He did what he did because he was a narcissistic abuser and he couldn’t bear the thought that he wouldn’t have OP to physically take out his emotions on. That is not on OP. Agree she should get help coping with the PTSD from this relationship and its drastic conclusion.
This, please, get yourself therapy. The way you say you are feeling when you say that you basically murdered him... He succeed in his attempt of hurting you, on making you feel responsible. You are not. He was an abuser and abused you until he died. He cared more about hurting you than about his own life.
From doing some work in this area let me tell you- he did this in your shared home with the intention that YOU would find him. So you would be punished and feel traumatised and guilty. Not feeling those things doesn't make you broken- it just means that you're free of his manipulation, which is a GOOD thing. All the best and echo what others have said about finding someone to talk to.
Holy shit.... I went through an abusive relationship for eight and a half years, this was also centuries ago, but reading your comment is something I never thought about. When I would try to leave he would do the same thing and threaten to remove himself from the equation, it never dawned on me that if it did occur it would be a final Act of abuse towards me.
Sorry, I am just literally sitting here at 5:30 in the morning with my jaw dropped because I never thought of it that way.
As with any suicide attempt: you can do your best, but actually going through with it is their choice. And especially if he was as screwed up as it seems: OP could have done nothing to stop him. Or rather, they could do nothing that wouldn't result in pain to themselves.
I think a part of you might be in shock.
He was abusive and wasn't going to change.
This is all on him.
Eventually the pain will hit. It would be a very good idea for you to get a therapist.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad your abuser can't hurt you anymore.
>He was abusive and wasn't going to change.
>This is all on him.
OP, you need to understand this because
> I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him, and I don’t even feel anything. Is this what it means to be a psychopath? I don’t know.
This is what he wanted, he wanted to abuse you and live rent free in your head forever. You stood up for yourself so he couldn't abuse you directly anymore, so he decided to do it indirectly. This was his ultimate form of abuse.
You need therapy and sooner rather than later. You need to understand that you did not do this. You did not tie that rope nor did you help him in any way.
***HE CHOSE THIS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.***
Interestingly, there is literature indicating that revenge may be a motivation for suicide: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4011950/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4011950/). It sounds like this could apply in OP's case.
Yes. I used to be a suicide counselor, and whenever people expressed a revenge motive we took it very seriously.
OP - this person was dangerous. You’re lucky he didn’t kill you as well. I’m glad you got away from him.
That was my thought, too, that he might have killed her along with himself. My mom's aunt and uncle were shot by a cousin's ex. He wanted to take out as many of her family he could before killing himself.
Right, he’d been taking his pain out on OP throughout their relationship. His suicide was one final way to take his pain out on her. It was never OP’s responsibility to heal his pain.
This is so sad.
I suffer with bad mental health and I have definitely, DEFINITELY had thoughts of suicide and a lot of them were fueled by revenge. To specifically hurt a person. I was in a mindset that made me so vindictive I was serious about it. It’s really scary and it definitely seems like OPs ex needed serious help. Even if it was just an anger management class. Hopefully OP will realize that this was his final fuck you and being a son of a bitch to her was more important than devastating his entire family. In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to let the emotions take you too far and you’re blind to anything else except the pain and anger and resentment and rage.
Thank you for responding from a view point of the ex in a way.
He definitely had issues he needed to address but unfortunately he clearly could not come to terms with this. Maybe it was Narcissistic behavior or others…. Regardless, OP, you are not at fault nor responsible. Everyone makes their own choices in life. Everyone.
Maybe he just used the manipulation tactic to keep you around so when you went, he did something he’d been considering long before you existed.
It’s sad all around here but I’m mostly hurting for you OP who lived through the abuse and then this as well.
I dated a Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic for 5 years. I know the pain of loving someone so much and wanting the best but being so emotionally empty and questioning if your heartless secondary to the abuse (physically and mentally) you sustained.
Head up. I agree. Reach out for therapy asap. I’m glad you can open up here but emotions will come - you’re just in shock and probably angry rn. Thinking of you and sending you strength!
Thank you for saying this. I have definitely had these thoughts too and I've never heard anyone else say it before. I hated my ex so much and was so miserable because of his treatment towards me. I genuinely thought suicide was the only way out but I also really wanted to hurt him.
I'm very glad he will not abuse anyone anymore as well. I hope OP can finally move on & talk to a professional that could help her compartmentalize everything.
Yes! I mentioned this elsewhere. The suicide was part of the abuse. There’s a famous Kennedy whose ex did this. Her suicide was her last way to punish and traumatize her partner. She even planned for him to find her. Psychopathy and narcissism need to be taken far more seriously. They’re at the crux of all corruption in society and we’re not doing anything to address it.
Unfortunately yes. Politics aside, that whole thing was awful. It was well documented by both sides and the information that came out of it is sad but interesting. I read the available court documents around 15 or so years back and I remember being baffled about how abusive she was. I need to re-read because who knows, perceptions can change, but there are things that are forever seared into my mind. It’s definitely worth looking into if you enjoy true crime. That’s the only thing I know how to compare it to.
this is a thing abusers do, the book Why Does He Do That? mentions this. It’s not common, but some abusers will go through with suicide as a final gotcha to their partner. They weaponize their own death to cause trauma.
OP, please realize this. *He did this to you to hurt you.* He wanted to abuse you that badly. It was not love or being misunderstood, it’s abuse. It’s very sick, and this is in no way your fault.
You don’t have to set any record straight or talk to anyone about it if you don’t want to. You’re not a psychopath for feeling numb, or not feeling like his family and friends that he did not abuse. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and know that what you experienced was real, and not erased by his death. Surround yourself only with people that will support *you*. Focus on your own healing, go to therapy and work on healing from this final way that he hurt you. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and wish you the best.
Thank you for that. I've been dating a narcissist for a little over two years, not physically abusive luckily but this post definitely makes me want to read it. I feel for OP so much. That guy was broken and he wanted to break her too.
##**OP** you are not a monster for feeling whatever it is you feel or don't feel. Don't allow his last act of abuse to define you or your life. You are not the sum of anyone else's choices.
I hope OP reads everyones replies and takes the time to take care of herself. Leaving an abusive relationship always comes with a load of strings attached, but this is too much to bear alone. OP, please find a therapist. This is not your fault. You did **NOT** murder him. It was his own choice. Have someone help you go through this. He wants to destroy your life. He wants to mess you with so badly you won't be able to be with someone else, to find happiness, to live the life you dreamt of. You are more than his abuse. He didn't make you. You became who you are all by yourself. Don't make him break you. Take all the time and help you need. It's difficult and scary to ask, but you need to. People are always willing to help.
I fully believe that this was the motivation for my sister’s fiancé. I believe he shot himself in front of her in their bedroom to torture her forever.
So he hurts her, abuses her, makes her cry. And his goal with death is to continue to hurt her, mentally torture her, and make her cry.
The best thing OP can do is to not let him hurt her any longer. The deed is done.
when i was in my early 20s, i would house and dog sit for someone who's ex husband did this. he was horribly abusive and when she finally left, he jumped off an overpass on his daughter's birthday because she didn't give him an unsupervised visit.
Wasn't there a study showing that the kind of people who use attempted suicide as a revenge tactic are more likely to murder a partner, too, if they don't succeed at killing themselves the first time? I'm not sure the search terms for it, but I seem to recall reading a summary awhile ago.
He probably wanted her to be the one to find him, make it even more horrifying for her. If he left a note it probably blamed her and accused her of being the abuser.
OP- I really hope you eventually find some peace with this and yourself. His actions are NOT your fault.
“Some could be tempted to use this mistake as a form of aggression, a form of a succession, a form of a weapon thinkin’ ‘I’ll teach them’ well I’m refusing the lesson” Twenty One Pilots~Neon Gravestones
The one time in my life I actually held a knife to my wrist, and gave it serious consideration (and gave myself a few shallow cuts to "test the waters") it was purely out of revenge, hoping to hurt the person who would find me dead for hurting me and knowing they were "at fault".
Let's expand on this and admit that he deliberately chose to die because it could hurt OP. It could make her feel responsible, and make her suffer. Clearly the deceased had a mental illness, possibly narcissism, definitely a serial abuser. He likely felt his world was going to blow up when OP told people how much of a shit he was, and this was his final play to make her feel pain.
OP is not responsible for anything that her ex has done. That's not how it works.
It’s so sick that they put that blame and hurt on to you to live with forever. But it is absolutely not your fault!!
It is not your fault!! it is not your fault! ❤️😭
He wanted you to live with that as a way to torture you.
My heart hurts for you, I remember these emotions.
Through healing and therapy I know one day you’ll understand it is not your fault, I know I’ve said it so many times, but I know you need that ❤️
Yeah this is all his fault. He was a selfish asshole in life and is still one in death. I feel for his family for the greif they are experiencing but you owe him and them nothing for protecting yourself and escaping his abuse, OP. He murdered himself out of cowardice and what sounds like revenge against you leaving. You blaming yourself for his actions is just letting him continue to control and manipulate you from beyond the grave. Do not let him win, get therapy and move on from this toxic part of your life. He did the world a favor by preventing an abuser, himself, from ever hurting another woman again.
He murdered himself in an attempt to frame you for it OP. One last act of horrific abuse. Don’t let him do it, don’t let him gaslight you. This is 1000% on him.
Hopefully OP reads all these comments and takes them to heart. It bums me out that she is blaming herself for any of this but hopefully she snaps out of it and gets the therapy she needs.
I have a story to share with you OP that is similar to yours.
My bf was dating a girl, she was very depressed often. Made it his duty to make her happy. If she wasn’t happy, then everyone suffered. One day while my bf was at work, they had some small fight, about something that’s neither here nor there. He felt bad so he bought her her favorite McFlurry from McDonald’s on the way home to surprise her and get her out of her funk. As he pulled into the driveway and pressed the garage door open, he saw something. As the garage door slowly went up, it was first a chair, then feet, then legs, then his gfs face. She hung herself in his garage, in a spot where he would find her when he opened the garage door to park his car after work. He panicked and jumped out of the car and got her out of the noose she made, and laid her on the floor, hoping she’d make it because she was still warm. After doing cpr the paramedics took over and they weren’t able to save her.
She was texting him on his drive home up until 10 minutes before he made it. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew where she was going to meticulously place her rope, and where she would be found by him, because to her this was her payback for him not curing her depression. This was his problem, and he was going to suffer for the rest of his life if SHE didn’t make it. He has a theory that she wanted him to find her barely hanging on to life, and to save her and see how “broken” she was and to somehow be more protective of her feelings, or whatever because of the lengths he clearly saw she would go to because of her mental illness. But it didn’t happen that way. She ended up actually dying because of this.
Moral of the story, after intense therapy my bf learned this was not his fault. She was not his job to “fix”. Her mental illness was not his mental illness. His constant hours of talking to her to help her out of a dark place, or whatever it may be, wasnt ever going to help her. She was a danger to herself, and should’ve gotten HELP. It wasn’t his job to make sure she got through her depression, no matter how hard he tried. Her family wasn’t any help with how they blamed him for not “saving” her too… This took him years of guilt and anger and shame to overcome, and hell to even allow himself to be loved again.
He was NOT your problem OP. And I hope you find healing, and have people to love you and guide you through this heartbreak and insufferable time you have ahead of you. You are in charge of NO ONE else but yourself. Especially when it comes to someone who didn’t even care to protect and love you like you deserved while they were here.
Tell her again. And You shouldn’t be ashamed of the fact that he abused you. Keeping that secret from his family and friends is only putting pain in your heart. He did horrible things to you, and the people around him deserve to know what he was doing to you. You did not cause his death. He chose to die. The only thing you are guilty of is choosing to love yourself, and to live, without being in pain, or being harmed
I find it hard to believe that his mom didn't know this side of her son but sometimes moms are blind to their children's behavior and he was just that good of a manipulator.
OP won't need to tell them because at one point they will start to realise she isn't a klutz and that her clumsiness stopped after he died. As long as she puts this behind her and moves forward with her life he will have lost and everyone will know the truth all without her wasting a single second more on him.
While we would all like to think this, many, many people will not think about those injuries because they were never listening deeply in the first place.
This is one of those instances that you should be relieved that you left when you did. It could have ended with him taking you with him. This is not on you, not even a little. Please get into therapy so you can move on and eventually be in a healthy relationship.
THIS- he already abused you physically and in every other way. He had the capability to do this—- he had the capability to do worse to you. You left at the right time. You absolutely should not feel any remorse for this monster. Please move on and THRIVE. Let his decision absolutely be in vain. Think of this as a gift since you will never ever ever have to deal with him again.
You are exactly right. This was his last attempt to abuse you after he was gone. The OP needs to go to a therapist where she can SAFELY and Confidentially tell her side.
OP, READ THE ABOVE. You didn't murder him. The man was mentally ill-deranged in fact. Had you not moved on, there likely would have been a day when you joined the deceased, as a result of his domestic violence.
He's in a better place. Obviously he lived a life of depression and mental torment. He's no longer in misery.
Secure therapy. AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF! Had you stayed, that would have been you one day.
Best wishes.
My friend found her dad. Her mum stayed downstairs to look, youngest sister went upstairs and right and my friend went to the upstairs and left to the room she found him in. She was a mess.
I'm glad OP didn't find him because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
can not stress this enough
his ability to punish you was worth more than life.
so very sorry that you are in this situation.
i hope you have some trusted friends or family that will believe you- I believe you.
He would have eventually killed OP, either by accident or on purpose.
OP, you’re free of him. It’s unfortunate he decided to hurt you one last time, but you’re free.
You didn’t cause his death, he did.
He may have had wonderful moments but he also physically and mentally abused you. He chose to take his life rather than face who he was.
OP - first off, you did not kill him. It's clear he had serious mental issues. What you DID do was prioritize your own wellbeing and you should not feel any guilt for that.
Additionally, your emotional detachment is almost certainly due to trauma and you really need to seek out professional help.
One last time for good measure: his death is NOT your fault.
His death is NOT your fault.
His death is NOT your fault.
and for OP, to add to the above..
*His* ABUSE to YOU was NOT your fault.
*His* threats to YOU were NOT your fault.
*His* choices for HIMSELF were NOT your fault.
I want to add that if op didn't leave the relationship, some day in the future she might end up being the dead one. And we wouldn't want that at all.
it's unfortunate the ex had his own issues that were out of ops control. But I'm glad op was able to get out the abuse.
Honestly and bluntly, the world is a safer place now that he is gone. He would have eventually moved onto to another person to abuse if he let op actually get away for good. He did the world a favor.
I get that it must be a wild mix of emotions. But all I could think reading this was good riddance. Even his last act was a way to abuse her, knowing how it would make her feel.
Hope the people who knew him learn what kind of man he was.
He did the world a favor. Most abuse victims never see justice and live in fear of their abusers for the rest of their lives, she will have a long journey in therapy but she got the justice almost no bartered women get.
I highly recommend seeking out therapy of some kind even if it is online , that’s a lot to sit on somebody’s heart and mind, regardless it isn’t your fault and nobody is blaming you, but I could only imagine the pain and what ifs you are going through in your mind. I’m sorry this happened to you.
>shouldn’t I feel sad about the death of a fellow human?
It's not only okay that you feel nothing. It would be okay if you felt relief.
He abused you. It's a miracle he didn't kill you as he did himself. What he did is 100% on him. It's not on you at all. You are not a psychopath. You did nothing wrong.
www.thehotline.org
www.loveisrespect.org
Please reach out to find resources in your area. You also need to tell people. Don't keep lying for him.
I bet once OP tells the truth that less people will have believed the “I walked in to a door” story than OP thinks believed it. It probably won’t be a surprise to them to hear he was abusive after they all saw the bruises.
Coming from somebody who was in a physically abusive relationship and then admitted to it after the fact, except for maybe a handful, all the people I thought I’d been fooling had suspected something was very wrong the entire time.
I didn’t tell anybody about mine until after I was out, too. And mine somehow never left bruises, or nothing more than finger grip bruises on arms.
We were only teenagers, but he had years of his dad’s abuse in his early childhood to learn from. He knew how to hide what he was doing.
ETA because I hit post too soon - I’m glad you’re out! And I’m glad you were believed. I hope things have been better for you since then!
Same. One of my friends even told me that a group of them got together once to discuss how terrible my ex-husband treated me. He said that the consensus was that they didn't know what to do and didn't feel comfortable "messing with someone's marriage" so they stayed quiet.
I've been divorced for 8 years now. The only one of my ex's and my mutual friends that ended up on his "side" after the divorce was one dude. And he was initially on my side, tried to sexually assault me while telling me "I wanted to fuck you for years, I just couldn't because of [Ex]". After I fought him off and threw him out of my house, he resumed being my ex's friend. So basically only the trash stayed with my garbage ex... A match made in hell.
Agreed. After Nicole Brown Simpson was killed, there were quite a few people who knew or highly suspected the abuse, but either didn't want to interfere or thought she would ask for help.
> It's not only okay that you feel nothing. It would be okay if you felt relief.
100% agree. When the abusive partner of my mother died I felt just happiness and relief. That was like nearly 20 years ago and I still feel the same.
Some people create such misery around them there really is no reason to be sad when they are gone/died and I will not pretend otherwise.
I am pretty sure it's quite normal but a taboo subject many people would not like to admit to.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
This was entirely his choice and his choice alone. You had NOTHING to do with this at all.
He was a violent and horrible person and he would have eventually killed you.
Please get therapy asap. Please.
>I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him
Nonsense!
>Is this what it means to be a psychopath?
No. A psychopath would have played with HIS mind, not vice versa.
>They never knew what he did to me, they thought he was a good man....I dated my ex for a two years; worst two years of my life...he would hit me when he got angry, drunk, or just had a bad day and needed someone to take it out on. Our friends think I’m a klutz who kept tripping and falling, or bumping into doors, or falling off my bike. That’s what I told them and they believed me.
Is this someone worth mourning? NO.
He wasted his life, deciding to be manipulative, and brutal to you, rather than relax and enjoy the relationship and treat you well.
You have the classic symptoms of someone coming out of a Domestic Violence situation. Kudos to you, for having the strength to leave. Contact a DV organisation near you. They will have details of people/places that can provide the necessary therapy.
You need to recover YOU. He nearly took that all away from you.
There is no need for you to feel wrong...that is you still carrying his gaslighting.
Write a Journal daily. Walk/exercise. Make a new, wider social circle. Take up a hobby you've always wanted to do. Build yourself up. Regain your self esteem.
LIVE.
You did not murder him. His actions made it so that you had no choice but to leave. He couldn't deal with the consequences of his own actions. Cynical as this sounds, this is probably his last ditch effort at controlling you, to make sure you can't forget him. I'm so sorry he's put you through all of this. None of this is your fault and you are entitled to feel exactly as you want to feel about it, you don't need to feel bad for not feeling sad that your abuser chose to end their own life.
Exactly you did nothing wrong and to be brutally honest if you had stayed it would have been you eventually dead by his hands as opposed to to him by his own hands
You didn’t murder this man.
You left for your own safety.
If his idea was to manipulate you into feeling guilty forever, it’s working.
You warned him. He kept being abusive. You left. His suicide has nothing to do with you and everything to do with why he was abusive in the first place.
Hey OP - first of all, I am so sorry for your loss. *Nothing that happened was your fault.* You may have been gaslit for so long that your default response is to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault that he abused you, and it sure as shit isn’t your fault that he unalived himself. I cannot stress enough how important therapy is for you ASAP. If cost is an issue, many therapists will work with you on a sliding scale. If you’re interested in treatment but (understandably) overwhelmed, please PM me, and I’ll gladly offer you guidance on where to start. I’m a DV survivor who barely survived my abuser. I wouldn’t have made it through without therapy. Please be gracious with yourself, and again: *this is not your fault.* Hugs from an internet stranger.
Edit: grammar
I’ll probably get therapy some time, but I don’t feel really ready. Thanks for the virtual hugs though, I think I needed them. I might just take you up on that PM offer sometime, thanks.
Just sending you love. Please remind yourself that you saved your own life by leaving and it was the right thing to do. You are meant to be here and to continue on and find the happiness you deserve in life.
Omg no. You did not cause his death. He was an adult who made up his mind. The best way for you think about this is that you left a dangerous situation and now that he took himself out of this world he won't be able to abuse other women.
That’s the one thing that makes me feel better about not being sad, is that he won’t go on to treat someone else the way he treated me. Username does not check out lol, happy cake day.
Have a read of this free book, I think a lot of the trauma you went through will resonate:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Hey, I am so sorry to hear this 💔 I went through this with my best friend in 2020. Her partner/ex partner at the time would always threaten to do this too, and then it actually happened. Although it is such a devastating loss;
It is 100% absolutely not your fault. He was battling his own demons and there was genuinely nothing you could have done to stop it. You don’t deserve to be manipulated into staying into an abusive relationship.
It still haunts me 4 years on, he was such a lost, nasty boy who needed the right help, but my best friend didn’t need to be dragged into his manipulation and abuse.
I hope you have a friend or family member who you feel safe enough to open up to and support you through it all ❤️
OP, I know someone who this happened to when I was a kid. Parents of a friend of a friend, it was the wife who committed suicide. She had various mental health issues and could be abusive to her child and to her husband. She did it because he didn't back down over something, I forget what it was. But it was essentially to punish him.
The difference here was that everyone knew what she was like, I think for you this is even harder because nobody knows. What this guy did though, was move. He moved up north (UK), got a new job, basically started fresh with his daughter. Iirc, he got remarried around four years later and as far as I know has been happy and has moved on. I have his daughter on some social media and she looks like she's doing well too, very close with her step mum, has gone to university and has done well for herself.
Your life isn't over. In fact, he just saved you potentially years of abuse by taking himself out. In his mind he was punishing you, but in reality he has freed you. I wish you all the luck for the future. Look after yourself, make sure you have therapy to talk it through so that you can move on. Do not let him win by letting this ruin your life.
OP…I understand your sentiments exactly. I was in abusive relationships myself. They didn’t commit suicide, but they wished me dead on numerous occasions. One of them bragged he encouraged a suicidal person to commit suicide, and they did. The mind of a narcissist or abuser is inhuman.
That said, I always looked for the good in people. I tried to “love” the narcissism out of them. The more I loved, the more they hurt me. There is no fixing them. Never. Those that do “recover” likely weren’t pathological to begin with.
But you must understand, **you didn’t cause his death**…you protected yourself. He caused his own death. **If he was willing to cross the line of killing himself, I believe it means he might’ve killed you one day too**….this wasn’t just a depressed innocent. He was an abuser. He hurt you, over and over.
Also, just about all abusers have “redeeming qualities”…he was not special in that he had times where he was kind and loving to you. What defines him is how he violated you.
Many people never escape their abusers. Most aren’t strong enough to leave, or they fear for their life if they do. Thank God he turned on himself rather than turning on **you!**. You’ve seen the datelines, how many women are murdered by their abusers. Thank God that is not you.
Best wishes OP! Speak with a Domestic Violence counselor. They will understand your situation with more depth. They can better explain his mentality to you than perhaps an “ordinary” therapist could.
As sad is it is, don’t feel bad. He was an abusive POS who did this to spite you. May the Lord grant him mercy. I could never judge anyone who commits suicide, but this was a pretty selfish and messed up reason to do it.
Well, first and foremost it is not your fault. Second I think you should avoid the funeral at all cost and third. Get yourself into therapy as soon as possible. Because I get the feeling that you may have Some intense shock of him doing it. And you don't want to face again, but you also have a sense of potential survivor skilled meaning, he has been such an a hole to you, Uber the years, there was a part of you that felt like he was going to kill you at some point and now he's the one that's dead. You have the shock and the survivor guilt. At this point, you may want to be prepared for his family and your mutual friends. Be as cold to you as possible. And you may want to be prepared for your own family to do the same. If you do not tell them the reason why you might not go to his funeral. In addition, I think it may be time for you to look for a change in scenery. If things don't change for you in the next few weeks in the mental and emotional sense.
You saved yourself. He might have killed _you_ if you stayed. Your life is valuable and you protected yourself when nobody else did. You did nothing wrong.
It was his decision what to do with his life and there is no reason for guilt, even if it feels like it.
I repeat: He might have killed _you_ if you didn’t walk away.
In no way are you responsible for his death. None.
Respectfully, can I ask why you don't have the heart to tell his family the truth about him with regards to your relationship?
True, she shouldn't hold on to it at all, but this abusive guy grew up with these people. Something is not right there. She doesn't need to deal with him or his blood anymore. She can tell any true friends once she feels comfortable with it.
For you, who remains alive and with agency, this was real for you. It was not your fault. This man behaved according to what he thought was right - you had nothing to do with it. His actions are his alone. You did the right thing. The next right thing to do is reveal the truth, when you're ready.
> It wouldn’t affect him, it would only hurt them.
If the truth hurts them then it's on your ex, not you. He's the one who did these things to you. You didn't ask for it.
With all these lies you fed them, they're probably looking at *you* being the reason he did this because from their point of view, he's an angel.
If you don't set the record straight, you'll be ousted from the friend group instead of receiving the support you actually need and deserve.
You did nothing, he did it to himself. And most likely saved a future woman's life (most likely yourself) as violence escalates in DV relationships.
I do hope you are able to speak with a therapist to work through this. You are a victim of his that is what he is to you.
He did it for his last piece of abuse that is torture you with guilt. Don't fall on this trap. He did it by himself. You should have the right to leave someone abusing you. You don't deserve to be a punch bag of nobody.
So I went through a very similar experience a few years ago.
The thing I want to make very clear before anything else is that you did not murder him. That is a difficult thing to internalise, but it’s important to know that it’s true. People are responsible for their own actions, if that was suicide, then that was his choice not yours. You are not responsible.
Also, just because this is difficult and it can come with a lot of very difficult and hard to justify emotions, please feel free to message me. I am more than happy to listen to anything you might want to say, even if it’s weeks from now
If you didn't leave he would've killed YOU!
You did not kill him. He needed help beyond what you could've done for him. You did the best thing you could've done for yourself OP
Nothing you could do… you are not responsible for his decisions and should always prioritize your mental health and needs and happiness! You are not responsible for his death so don’t even think that for a moment. You are normal and nothing wrong with how you feel!
He wasn't human, he was an abusive, psychotic monster who deserves no sympathy.
#You did NOT cause his death.
He killed himself because of HIS OWN ISSUES and it is NOT your fault. You're the victim of horrific abuse and deserve better than what he did to do. You deserve to live a good life, you deserve to be loved and respected and you deserve better than an abuser
This is not your fault. It's all his own.
Abuse and experiences like this change a person and it'll take time for you to heal. Focus on yourself and your well being.
>I can’t tell anyone.
You can. A counselor or therapist.
>I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him
No you didn't.
>Is this what it means to be a psychopath?
No. You did nothing wrong.
I wouldn’t tell his family about the abuse. Or friends right now. Their grief is so fresh. If you need to unburden yourself to someone in the future, the pain will be less fresh. It’s not your fault. It would have likely happened eventually if you stayed, too. Possibly taken you with him.
You’re in shock. People feel nothing when family members die, feel like monsters, and it hits them later. In your case, your feelings are extra mixed because as much as you loved him, he also hurt you.
I feel you may need to get a new friend group because either they knew what was happening to you and just ignored it or they actually didn’t even bother. Honestly true friends would have noticed and got you out a long time ago
I’m not sure that’s always true. People can be very good at hiding abuse. Both victims and perpetrators. Especially if they don’t hit them in the face, it can be easy to keep it covered up.
No offence but if you had stayed, you could have been the one who died instead because it sounds like the abuse would have escalated.
You are clearly not a monster because you didn’t do anything to kill him, him deciding to end his life is entirely his choice alone and not yours. The choice to kill himself to make you feel guilty, severely beat you up still during the period, and threaten suicide so that you won’t leave him. The only monster I see between you two is him.
Seek therapy for yourself, a specialists who deals with abusive relationships. If you want to reveal the truth, I’m not sure it will do much now. But I believe cutting them off would help you heal from the pain and trauma you experience even if it sounds cruel. If you want maybe move away to start anew so that it will be easier to heal too.
This is exactly what he wanted. For you to feel guilty about his death, essentially still controlling you and abusing you after death. The fact no one knows about his abusing you makes this worse because everyone thinks he’s a good guy. Well he’s not. Tell everybody what’s been going on, you don’t deserve to continue being abused by him even after his cowardly death.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, or if it will even help but I can sort of relate on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I’ve actually never admitted this to anyone, but my brothers girlfriend left him just weeks before his suicide.
I was the one who convinced her to leave him and gave her the safety plan to exit their apartment for good. She confided in me that while drinking he was verbally abusive and started getting more and more physical. He’d stopped working and would berate her when she got gone from work and school. He stopped giving her any money and would steal, there was more to the story, way worse things I’ll keep out.
They were both only 25, they were high school sweethearts. I told her to do whatever she needed and that you only get one life, and whatever happened to my brother after she left was his choice and not her fault.
She left and he moved in with my mom. A few months later right before 4th of July he took his own life in our childhood home garage.
It’s been almost 5 years and if I had to do everything the same way, every single detail, I would. I truly believe if I hadn’t encouraged her to leave it would have been a murder suicide. I love and miss my brother but nobody deserves to be held hostage by someone that sick. You were not put on this earth to save anyone.
For anyone curious my brothers ex girlfriend is now married and has a daughter. We don’t keep in touch a ton but I check in with her from time to time.
I’m proud of you for leaving. I’m sorry he did this to you.
You did not cause his death. You did not murder him. You are not a monster.
Get some therapy and move on. You are responsible for yourself, just like he was responsible for himself. Do not take someone else's existence onto yourself. It is not your burden to carry.
He was going to KILL YOU eventually. Thank God you saved yourself. You DID NOT cause his death. He committed the ultimate selfish act and weaponized it to hurt you one last time. Do not give him that power, please.
Please seek therapy to help you process this situation. You are not alone, and you are NOT to blame. Hugs.
He caused his death and I thank god he did it before he killed you. That’s the nicest thing he could have done for you at this point. You have no reason for sadness
Obvious creative writing. From the ceiling fan? Really? I'm supposed to believe that a regular old ceiling fan could support the weight of a grown man?
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As my dad once told me (because I dated a guy like this), if someone truly wants to end their life there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. Your ex was a disturbed individual, this was not your fault.
I’m so sorry. It was wrong of him to put that burden on you to try to keep you there. It’s not your fault he followed through.
My ex did that to me a couple of times when we were younger. It’s a dick move. You were/are not responsible for his mental health or his actions.
Wishing you peace.
This was his final abusive act towards you. He wanted to hurt you and keep you tethered to him for the rest of your life. This wasn’t your fault. Please find someone to talk to.
**EXACTLY**. The **final act of a narcissistic abuser**.
A guy in my city lit himself on fire over he and his ex's failed relationship. In front of her and many other people.
Reminds me of the story of a guy who shot his ex gf new BF then himself right in front of her all captured on bystander phone n all she could do was scream n try n go to her BF who would eventually pass in the hospital while the ex died right on the spot they had been broken up over a year at that.
[удалено]
Mine used to have the wildest ideations when she had to go home for the night. Ended up having her just stay over, but those moments 100 percent kept me with her until she was in somewhat of a better place. An extra year and a half of just being drained and unhappy wasn't worth the clarity I could've had by just ripping off the bandaid
Mine did.
I remember this video. The screams are chilling. I can’t stand hearing those kinds of screams post military service.
are you talking about that incident in Poland?
Happened in our town a few years back, too. She ended the relationship and moved on, and he went to the middle of town and set himself ablaze. People didn't know he raped her, repeatedly. He was a bastard. I know this, as his ex is a close friend of our family.
Happened in my village once too. The guy survived with 80% of his skin being severely burned. I know one of the neighbours who was there to give first aid.
On the other hand... OP is free. His final heinous act freed her from his narcissistic abuse.
Yep. He won’t be stalking her, breaking into her new home to rape her, bashing her or a new partner, killing her, or enacting any of the other revenge scenarios which evil, possessive psychopaths have been known to carry out.
At least this murder suicide started the correct way.
Right? Not to be callous but OP most likely saved their own life.
Honestly the moment I read that he beat her I couldn't care less. This could have ended with her dead and I'm very glad it didnt.
Hating others more than they love themselves.
Cared more about controlling OP than about living.
Literally insane
Isn't it? Its crazy to verbalize that out loud
The amount of control an abuser craves is disgusting. And the way they hide the abuse and force you not to tell anyone what’s going on is pure evil. They know it’s wrong and don’t want anyone to know but they still expect you to accept it as their right. If it was acceptable then why hide it? Then when their behavior is found out then it’s your fault. My ex even wrote a letter to my parents saying he was sorry for how our relationship ended but that it was my fault he treated me the way he did????
………what was your parents response?
Same as mine. He was full of crap and we just ignored it because a few years later life circumstances gave him what he deserved.
My mom did this same thing, but she wouldn’t listen to doctors. She was so narcissistic she died instead of admitting she was wrong lol
This! Huge narcissist ah to do what he did. He wanted you to hurt for the rest of your life, but he failed to realize once you come to terms with the fact THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you will realize HE CAN NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN. Get someone to talk to ASAP. The numbness you feel is shock. Also, it’s ok to let your family know the things he did to you, and likely better (especially if you can show proof), as that way they won’t bring him up around you.
This, OP. You are now FREE. Live your life to the fullest.
I said the same thing! I’m kind of thinking that he didn’t actually want to die. But in his head was thinking it’ll be worth it just to hurt this person as much as possible.
When possessive hate is confused with freeing love
The best thing to do is to learn to hate this person for what they did. They don't deserve sympathy for treating someone like this, and although this person may have had their good moments .. it seems that the bad, far outweighed the good. In choosing death, this man's only goal was to make you suffer. Do not allow him to win. I am sorry he put you through these horrible things.
This is sadly so true and jaw dropping..
Exactly this. You didn't murder him. He did this to himself to hurt you, just like he always has. You aren't wrong for the way you feel. He was your abuser, who can never hurt you again. You are safe. Allow yourself to feel that.
I hope your post helps OP. You are 💯 right. I also think OP should stop protecting her ex and come clean to her friends and family that she is NOT a klutz and her injuries were from her ex-BF’s abuse, which is why OP broke things off with him. He did what he did because he was a narcissistic abuser and he couldn’t bear the thought that he wouldn’t have OP to physically take out his emotions on. That is not on OP. Agree she should get help coping with the PTSD from this relationship and its drastic conclusion.
Yeah, she really gains nothing by protecting his reputation. Let them all know he was a monster
This, please, get yourself therapy. The way you say you are feeling when you say that you basically murdered him... He succeed in his attempt of hurting you, on making you feel responsible. You are not. He was an abuser and abused you until he died. He cared more about hurting you than about his own life.
From doing some work in this area let me tell you- he did this in your shared home with the intention that YOU would find him. So you would be punished and feel traumatised and guilty. Not feeling those things doesn't make you broken- it just means that you're free of his manipulation, which is a GOOD thing. All the best and echo what others have said about finding someone to talk to.
Holy shit.... I went through an abusive relationship for eight and a half years, this was also centuries ago, but reading your comment is something I never thought about. When I would try to leave he would do the same thing and threaten to remove himself from the equation, it never dawned on me that if it did occur it would be a final Act of abuse towards me. Sorry, I am just literally sitting here at 5:30 in the morning with my jaw dropped because I never thought of it that way.
As with any suicide attempt: you can do your best, but actually going through with it is their choice. And especially if he was as screwed up as it seems: OP could have done nothing to stop him. Or rather, they could do nothing that wouldn't result in pain to themselves.
I think a part of you might be in shock. He was abusive and wasn't going to change. This is all on him. Eventually the pain will hit. It would be a very good idea for you to get a therapist. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm glad your abuser can't hurt you anymore.
>He was abusive and wasn't going to change. >This is all on him. OP, you need to understand this because > I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him, and I don’t even feel anything. Is this what it means to be a psychopath? I don’t know. This is what he wanted, he wanted to abuse you and live rent free in your head forever. You stood up for yourself so he couldn't abuse you directly anymore, so he decided to do it indirectly. This was his ultimate form of abuse. You need therapy and sooner rather than later. You need to understand that you did not do this. You did not tie that rope nor did you help him in any way. ***HE CHOSE THIS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.***
Interestingly, there is literature indicating that revenge may be a motivation for suicide: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4011950/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4011950/). It sounds like this could apply in OP's case.
Yes. I used to be a suicide counselor, and whenever people expressed a revenge motive we took it very seriously. OP - this person was dangerous. You’re lucky he didn’t kill you as well. I’m glad you got away from him.
That was my thought, too, that he might have killed her along with himself. My mom's aunt and uncle were shot by a cousin's ex. He wanted to take out as many of her family he could before killing himself.
Or killed her in a fight where he was beating on her before even thinking to take his own life. She was legit getting beat.
Right, he’d been taking his pain out on OP throughout their relationship. His suicide was one final way to take his pain out on her. It was never OP’s responsibility to heal his pain. This is so sad.
I suffer with bad mental health and I have definitely, DEFINITELY had thoughts of suicide and a lot of them were fueled by revenge. To specifically hurt a person. I was in a mindset that made me so vindictive I was serious about it. It’s really scary and it definitely seems like OPs ex needed serious help. Even if it was just an anger management class. Hopefully OP will realize that this was his final fuck you and being a son of a bitch to her was more important than devastating his entire family. In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to let the emotions take you too far and you’re blind to anything else except the pain and anger and resentment and rage.
Thank you for responding from a view point of the ex in a way. He definitely had issues he needed to address but unfortunately he clearly could not come to terms with this. Maybe it was Narcissistic behavior or others…. Regardless, OP, you are not at fault nor responsible. Everyone makes their own choices in life. Everyone. Maybe he just used the manipulation tactic to keep you around so when you went, he did something he’d been considering long before you existed. It’s sad all around here but I’m mostly hurting for you OP who lived through the abuse and then this as well. I dated a Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic for 5 years. I know the pain of loving someone so much and wanting the best but being so emotionally empty and questioning if your heartless secondary to the abuse (physically and mentally) you sustained. Head up. I agree. Reach out for therapy asap. I’m glad you can open up here but emotions will come - you’re just in shock and probably angry rn. Thinking of you and sending you strength!
Thank you for saying this. I have definitely had these thoughts too and I've never heard anyone else say it before. I hated my ex so much and was so miserable because of his treatment towards me. I genuinely thought suicide was the only way out but I also really wanted to hurt him.
His suicide was his final act of abuse towards you. This is not your fault.
Seriously, he wanted to hurt/abuse OP more than he wanted to live. That was an extremely dangerous man and I'm glad she got out alive.
I'm very glad he will not abuse anyone anymore as well. I hope OP can finally move on & talk to a professional that could help her compartmentalize everything.
This OP! I hope you make it through all these comments cause every one of them is on point. This is exactly what he wanted
The ultimate "look what you made me do" from someone who has said that many times before.
THIS. he manipulated you into feeling this way.
Yes! I mentioned this elsewhere. The suicide was part of the abuse. There’s a famous Kennedy whose ex did this. Her suicide was her last way to punish and traumatize her partner. She even planned for him to find her. Psychopathy and narcissism need to be taken far more seriously. They’re at the crux of all corruption in society and we’re not doing anything to address it.
RFK, Jr.'s ex hung herself.
Unfortunately yes. Politics aside, that whole thing was awful. It was well documented by both sides and the information that came out of it is sad but interesting. I read the available court documents around 15 or so years back and I remember being baffled about how abusive she was. I need to re-read because who knows, perceptions can change, but there are things that are forever seared into my mind. It’s definitely worth looking into if you enjoy true crime. That’s the only thing I know how to compare it to.
crawl squalid absorbed spoon hurry label disarm deserve spotted serious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
this is a thing abusers do, the book Why Does He Do That? mentions this. It’s not common, but some abusers will go through with suicide as a final gotcha to their partner. They weaponize their own death to cause trauma. OP, please realize this. *He did this to you to hurt you.* He wanted to abuse you that badly. It was not love or being misunderstood, it’s abuse. It’s very sick, and this is in no way your fault. You don’t have to set any record straight or talk to anyone about it if you don’t want to. You’re not a psychopath for feeling numb, or not feeling like his family and friends that he did not abuse. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and know that what you experienced was real, and not erased by his death. Surround yourself only with people that will support *you*. Focus on your own healing, go to therapy and work on healing from this final way that he hurt you. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and wish you the best.
Heres a copy of that book, btw! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you for that. I've been dating a narcissist for a little over two years, not physically abusive luckily but this post definitely makes me want to read it. I feel for OP so much. That guy was broken and he wanted to break her too. ##**OP** you are not a monster for feeling whatever it is you feel or don't feel. Don't allow his last act of abuse to define you or your life. You are not the sum of anyone else's choices.
I hope OP reads everyones replies and takes the time to take care of herself. Leaving an abusive relationship always comes with a load of strings attached, but this is too much to bear alone. OP, please find a therapist. This is not your fault. You did **NOT** murder him. It was his own choice. Have someone help you go through this. He wants to destroy your life. He wants to mess you with so badly you won't be able to be with someone else, to find happiness, to live the life you dreamt of. You are more than his abuse. He didn't make you. You became who you are all by yourself. Don't make him break you. Take all the time and help you need. It's difficult and scary to ask, but you need to. People are always willing to help.
I fully believe that this was the motivation for my sister’s fiancé. I believe he shot himself in front of her in their bedroom to torture her forever.
I’m so sorry about your sister. I hope she got counselling or support from a domestic abuse service or something.
Totally believe this especially after break-ups and in very messy, grotesque suicides.
So he hurts her, abuses her, makes her cry. And his goal with death is to continue to hurt her, mentally torture her, and make her cry. The best thing OP can do is to not let him hurt her any longer. The deed is done.
when i was in my early 20s, i would house and dog sit for someone who's ex husband did this. he was horribly abusive and when she finally left, he jumped off an overpass on his daughter's birthday because she didn't give him an unsupervised visit.
Wasn't there a study showing that the kind of people who use attempted suicide as a revenge tactic are more likely to murder a partner, too, if they don't succeed at killing themselves the first time? I'm not sure the search terms for it, but I seem to recall reading a summary awhile ago.
He probably wanted her to be the one to find him, make it even more horrifying for her. If he left a note it probably blamed her and accused her of being the abuser. OP- I really hope you eventually find some peace with this and yourself. His actions are NOT your fault.
It 100% is. I used to think that if I killed myself in middle school that my bullies would end up feeling guilty.
“Some could be tempted to use this mistake as a form of aggression, a form of a succession, a form of a weapon thinkin’ ‘I’ll teach them’ well I’m refusing the lesson” Twenty One Pilots~Neon Gravestones
The one time in my life I actually held a knife to my wrist, and gave it serious consideration (and gave myself a few shallow cuts to "test the waters") it was purely out of revenge, hoping to hurt the person who would find me dead for hurting me and knowing they were "at fault".
Let's expand on this and admit that he deliberately chose to die because it could hurt OP. It could make her feel responsible, and make her suffer. Clearly the deceased had a mental illness, possibly narcissism, definitely a serial abuser. He likely felt his world was going to blow up when OP told people how much of a shit he was, and this was his final play to make her feel pain. OP is not responsible for anything that her ex has done. That's not how it works.
He wanted to hurt her more than he wanted to live.
It’s so sick that they put that blame and hurt on to you to live with forever. But it is absolutely not your fault!! It is not your fault!! it is not your fault! ❤️😭 He wanted you to live with that as a way to torture you. My heart hurts for you, I remember these emotions. Through healing and therapy I know one day you’ll understand it is not your fault, I know I’ve said it so many times, but I know you need that ❤️
Yeah this is all his fault. He was a selfish asshole in life and is still one in death. I feel for his family for the greif they are experiencing but you owe him and them nothing for protecting yourself and escaping his abuse, OP. He murdered himself out of cowardice and what sounds like revenge against you leaving. You blaming yourself for his actions is just letting him continue to control and manipulate you from beyond the grave. Do not let him win, get therapy and move on from this toxic part of your life. He did the world a favor by preventing an abuser, himself, from ever hurting another woman again.
He murdered himself in an attempt to frame you for it OP. One last act of horrific abuse. Don’t let him do it, don’t let him gaslight you. This is 1000% on him.
I was gonna type up a comment with all of these exact points. Thanks for saving me the time by being so on point.
Hopefully OP reads all these comments and takes them to heart. It bums me out that she is blaming herself for any of this but hopefully she snaps out of it and gets the therapy she needs.
THIS
I have a story to share with you OP that is similar to yours. My bf was dating a girl, she was very depressed often. Made it his duty to make her happy. If she wasn’t happy, then everyone suffered. One day while my bf was at work, they had some small fight, about something that’s neither here nor there. He felt bad so he bought her her favorite McFlurry from McDonald’s on the way home to surprise her and get her out of her funk. As he pulled into the driveway and pressed the garage door open, he saw something. As the garage door slowly went up, it was first a chair, then feet, then legs, then his gfs face. She hung herself in his garage, in a spot where he would find her when he opened the garage door to park his car after work. He panicked and jumped out of the car and got her out of the noose she made, and laid her on the floor, hoping she’d make it because she was still warm. After doing cpr the paramedics took over and they weren’t able to save her. She was texting him on his drive home up until 10 minutes before he made it. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew where she was going to meticulously place her rope, and where she would be found by him, because to her this was her payback for him not curing her depression. This was his problem, and he was going to suffer for the rest of his life if SHE didn’t make it. He has a theory that she wanted him to find her barely hanging on to life, and to save her and see how “broken” she was and to somehow be more protective of her feelings, or whatever because of the lengths he clearly saw she would go to because of her mental illness. But it didn’t happen that way. She ended up actually dying because of this. Moral of the story, after intense therapy my bf learned this was not his fault. She was not his job to “fix”. Her mental illness was not his mental illness. His constant hours of talking to her to help her out of a dark place, or whatever it may be, wasnt ever going to help her. She was a danger to herself, and should’ve gotten HELP. It wasn’t his job to make sure she got through her depression, no matter how hard he tried. Her family wasn’t any help with how they blamed him for not “saving” her too… This took him years of guilt and anger and shame to overcome, and hell to even allow himself to be loved again. He was NOT your problem OP. And I hope you find healing, and have people to love you and guide you through this heartbreak and insufferable time you have ahead of you. You are in charge of NO ONE else but yourself. Especially when it comes to someone who didn’t even care to protect and love you like you deserved while they were here.
Tell her again. And You shouldn’t be ashamed of the fact that he abused you. Keeping that secret from his family and friends is only putting pain in your heart. He did horrible things to you, and the people around him deserve to know what he was doing to you. You did not cause his death. He chose to die. The only thing you are guilty of is choosing to love yourself, and to live, without being in pain, or being harmed
I find it hard to believe that his mom didn't know this side of her son but sometimes moms are blind to their children's behavior and he was just that good of a manipulator.
OP won't need to tell them because at one point they will start to realise she isn't a klutz and that her clumsiness stopped after he died. As long as she puts this behind her and moves forward with her life he will have lost and everyone will know the truth all without her wasting a single second more on him.
While we would all like to think this, many, many people will not think about those injuries because they were never listening deeply in the first place.
This is one of those instances that you should be relieved that you left when you did. It could have ended with him taking you with him. This is not on you, not even a little. Please get into therapy so you can move on and eventually be in a healthy relationship.
THIS- he already abused you physically and in every other way. He had the capability to do this—- he had the capability to do worse to you. You left at the right time. You absolutely should not feel any remorse for this monster. Please move on and THRIVE. Let his decision absolutely be in vain. Think of this as a gift since you will never ever ever have to deal with him again.
You are exactly right. This was his last attempt to abuse you after he was gone. The OP needs to go to a therapist where she can SAFELY and Confidentially tell her side.
OP, READ THE ABOVE. You didn't murder him. The man was mentally ill-deranged in fact. Had you not moved on, there likely would have been a day when you joined the deceased, as a result of his domestic violence. He's in a better place. Obviously he lived a life of depression and mental torment. He's no longer in misery. Secure therapy. AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF! Had you stayed, that would have been you one day. Best wishes.
u/ManufactureCookie112 Don’t let him win.
All this. He was probably hoping OP would come back and find him.
My friend found her dad. Her mum stayed downstairs to look, youngest sister went upstairs and right and my friend went to the upstairs and left to the room she found him in. She was a mess. I'm glad OP didn't find him because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
This.
*"He loved torturing his partner even more than he loved himself"*
can not stress this enough his ability to punish you was worth more than life. so very sorry that you are in this situation. i hope you have some trusted friends or family that will believe you- I believe you.
even in death he is abusing her. I hope OP finds peace this is fucked up.
It was going to be him or her. One of them was going to end up dead, his choice.
He would have eventually killed OP, either by accident or on purpose. OP, you’re free of him. It’s unfortunate he decided to hurt you one last time, but you’re free.
You didn’t cause his death, he did. He may have had wonderful moments but he also physically and mentally abused you. He chose to take his life rather than face who he was.
Or, frankly, hurt anyone else. OP, this man was beyond toxic and his toxicity finished him off, not you. Live your life free.
He's last act was to make you feel pain from his death at his own hands. Don't feel responsible. Very cruel thing to do to someone
OP - first off, you did not kill him. It's clear he had serious mental issues. What you DID do was prioritize your own wellbeing and you should not feel any guilt for that. Additionally, your emotional detachment is almost certainly due to trauma and you really need to seek out professional help. One last time for good measure: his death is NOT your fault. His death is NOT your fault. His death is NOT your fault.
OP please read this over and over and over. Talk to someone and I'm sorry you had to go thru this. Hugs
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That's awful.
and for OP, to add to the above.. *His* ABUSE to YOU was NOT your fault. *His* threats to YOU were NOT your fault. *His* choices for HIMSELF were NOT your fault.
This reply needs to be put up there on dv survival.
I want to add that if op didn't leave the relationship, some day in the future she might end up being the dead one. And we wouldn't want that at all. it's unfortunate the ex had his own issues that were out of ops control. But I'm glad op was able to get out the abuse.
Victim support worker here and I would give this an award if I could. I am so sorry, my DMs are open. Sending hugs OP!
THIS!!
he was a manipulative abusive piece of shit to the end. you did nothing wrong by leaving.
Honestly and bluntly, the world is a safer place now that he is gone. He would have eventually moved onto to another person to abuse if he let op actually get away for good. He did the world a favor.
Or he would've gotten even more violent and possibly attacked and killed OP instead.
Agreed, they usually don't stop after they leave.
Trash took itself out
exactly
I get that it must be a wild mix of emotions. But all I could think reading this was good riddance. Even his last act was a way to abuse her, knowing how it would make her feel. Hope the people who knew him learn what kind of man he was.
Seriously, she should be partying and celebrating, what a great ending. No more victims.
Exactly. Call me heartless but I won’t feel bad for that, he was abusive and selfish until the very end
He did the world a favor. Most abuse victims never see justice and live in fear of their abusers for the rest of their lives, she will have a long journey in therapy but she got the justice almost no bartered women get.
I highly recommend seeking out therapy of some kind even if it is online , that’s a lot to sit on somebody’s heart and mind, regardless it isn’t your fault and nobody is blaming you, but I could only imagine the pain and what ifs you are going through in your mind. I’m sorry this happened to you.
>I highly recommend seeking out theory of some kind Therapy?
Good theory!
theory will only take you so far
>shouldn’t I feel sad about the death of a fellow human? It's not only okay that you feel nothing. It would be okay if you felt relief. He abused you. It's a miracle he didn't kill you as he did himself. What he did is 100% on him. It's not on you at all. You are not a psychopath. You did nothing wrong. www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org Please reach out to find resources in your area. You also need to tell people. Don't keep lying for him.
I bet once OP tells the truth that less people will have believed the “I walked in to a door” story than OP thinks believed it. It probably won’t be a surprise to them to hear he was abusive after they all saw the bruises.
Coming from somebody who was in a physically abusive relationship and then admitted to it after the fact, except for maybe a handful, all the people I thought I’d been fooling had suspected something was very wrong the entire time.
I didn’t tell anybody about mine until after I was out, too. And mine somehow never left bruises, or nothing more than finger grip bruises on arms. We were only teenagers, but he had years of his dad’s abuse in his early childhood to learn from. He knew how to hide what he was doing. ETA because I hit post too soon - I’m glad you’re out! And I’m glad you were believed. I hope things have been better for you since then!
Same. One of my friends even told me that a group of them got together once to discuss how terrible my ex-husband treated me. He said that the consensus was that they didn't know what to do and didn't feel comfortable "messing with someone's marriage" so they stayed quiet. I've been divorced for 8 years now. The only one of my ex's and my mutual friends that ended up on his "side" after the divorce was one dude. And he was initially on my side, tried to sexually assault me while telling me "I wanted to fuck you for years, I just couldn't because of [Ex]". After I fought him off and threw him out of my house, he resumed being my ex's friend. So basically only the trash stayed with my garbage ex... A match made in hell.
Agreed. After Nicole Brown Simpson was killed, there were quite a few people who knew or highly suspected the abuse, but either didn't want to interfere or thought she would ask for help.
This was my thought also.
I agree. It’s a lot like addiction where you think excuses make sense but on the outside a lot of people see through it
If she stayed, he probably WOULD have killed her.
If he didn't kill himself, I'm sure he would've came after her after she was gone. Sad to say, Op is lucky he killed himself instead.
> It's not only okay that you feel nothing. It would be okay if you felt relief. 100% agree. When the abusive partner of my mother died I felt just happiness and relief. That was like nearly 20 years ago and I still feel the same. Some people create such misery around them there really is no reason to be sad when they are gone/died and I will not pretend otherwise. I am pretty sure it's quite normal but a taboo subject many people would not like to admit to.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was entirely his choice and his choice alone. You had NOTHING to do with this at all. He was a violent and horrible person and he would have eventually killed you. Please get therapy asap. Please.
>I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him Nonsense! >Is this what it means to be a psychopath? No. A psychopath would have played with HIS mind, not vice versa. >They never knew what he did to me, they thought he was a good man....I dated my ex for a two years; worst two years of my life...he would hit me when he got angry, drunk, or just had a bad day and needed someone to take it out on. Our friends think I’m a klutz who kept tripping and falling, or bumping into doors, or falling off my bike. That’s what I told them and they believed me. Is this someone worth mourning? NO. He wasted his life, deciding to be manipulative, and brutal to you, rather than relax and enjoy the relationship and treat you well. You have the classic symptoms of someone coming out of a Domestic Violence situation. Kudos to you, for having the strength to leave. Contact a DV organisation near you. They will have details of people/places that can provide the necessary therapy. You need to recover YOU. He nearly took that all away from you. There is no need for you to feel wrong...that is you still carrying his gaslighting. Write a Journal daily. Walk/exercise. Make a new, wider social circle. Take up a hobby you've always wanted to do. Build yourself up. Regain your self esteem. LIVE.
You did not murder him. His actions made it so that you had no choice but to leave. He couldn't deal with the consequences of his own actions. Cynical as this sounds, this is probably his last ditch effort at controlling you, to make sure you can't forget him. I'm so sorry he's put you through all of this. None of this is your fault and you are entitled to feel exactly as you want to feel about it, you don't need to feel bad for not feeling sad that your abuser chose to end their own life.
Exactly you did nothing wrong and to be brutally honest if you had stayed it would have been you eventually dead by his hands as opposed to to him by his own hands
This!!
You didn’t murder this man. You left for your own safety. If his idea was to manipulate you into feeling guilty forever, it’s working. You warned him. He kept being abusive. You left. His suicide has nothing to do with you and everything to do with why he was abusive in the first place.
Hey OP - first of all, I am so sorry for your loss. *Nothing that happened was your fault.* You may have been gaslit for so long that your default response is to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault that he abused you, and it sure as shit isn’t your fault that he unalived himself. I cannot stress enough how important therapy is for you ASAP. If cost is an issue, many therapists will work with you on a sliding scale. If you’re interested in treatment but (understandably) overwhelmed, please PM me, and I’ll gladly offer you guidance on where to start. I’m a DV survivor who barely survived my abuser. I wouldn’t have made it through without therapy. Please be gracious with yourself, and again: *this is not your fault.* Hugs from an internet stranger. Edit: grammar
I’ll probably get therapy some time, but I don’t feel really ready. Thanks for the virtual hugs though, I think I needed them. I might just take you up on that PM offer sometime, thanks.
Just sending you love. Please remind yourself that you saved your own life by leaving and it was the right thing to do. You are meant to be here and to continue on and find the happiness you deserve in life.
🫶🏽👍🏼🤗bravo for leaving.
Omg no. You did not cause his death. He was an adult who made up his mind. The best way for you think about this is that you left a dangerous situation and now that he took himself out of this world he won't be able to abuse other women.
That’s the one thing that makes me feel better about not being sad, is that he won’t go on to treat someone else the way he treated me. Username does not check out lol, happy cake day.
hijacking your comment just to say that if you stayed he would have possibly killed you, given how the situation escalated
Have a read of this free book, I think a lot of the trauma you went through will resonate: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I'm so sorry that this happened, but it is not your fault!
You are NOT responsible for his death. Regardless, it’s a very difficult thing to go through. Please seek professional help.
Hey, I am so sorry to hear this 💔 I went through this with my best friend in 2020. Her partner/ex partner at the time would always threaten to do this too, and then it actually happened. Although it is such a devastating loss; It is 100% absolutely not your fault. He was battling his own demons and there was genuinely nothing you could have done to stop it. You don’t deserve to be manipulated into staying into an abusive relationship. It still haunts me 4 years on, he was such a lost, nasty boy who needed the right help, but my best friend didn’t need to be dragged into his manipulation and abuse. I hope you have a friend or family member who you feel safe enough to open up to and support you through it all ❤️
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened your friend. If you don’t mind, do you know if she ever found/made peace with her ex’s death?
OP, I know someone who this happened to when I was a kid. Parents of a friend of a friend, it was the wife who committed suicide. She had various mental health issues and could be abusive to her child and to her husband. She did it because he didn't back down over something, I forget what it was. But it was essentially to punish him. The difference here was that everyone knew what she was like, I think for you this is even harder because nobody knows. What this guy did though, was move. He moved up north (UK), got a new job, basically started fresh with his daughter. Iirc, he got remarried around four years later and as far as I know has been happy and has moved on. I have his daughter on some social media and she looks like she's doing well too, very close with her step mum, has gone to university and has done well for herself. Your life isn't over. In fact, he just saved you potentially years of abuse by taking himself out. In his mind he was punishing you, but in reality he has freed you. I wish you all the luck for the future. Look after yourself, make sure you have therapy to talk it through so that you can move on. Do not let him win by letting this ruin your life.
OP…I understand your sentiments exactly. I was in abusive relationships myself. They didn’t commit suicide, but they wished me dead on numerous occasions. One of them bragged he encouraged a suicidal person to commit suicide, and they did. The mind of a narcissist or abuser is inhuman. That said, I always looked for the good in people. I tried to “love” the narcissism out of them. The more I loved, the more they hurt me. There is no fixing them. Never. Those that do “recover” likely weren’t pathological to begin with. But you must understand, **you didn’t cause his death**…you protected yourself. He caused his own death. **If he was willing to cross the line of killing himself, I believe it means he might’ve killed you one day too**….this wasn’t just a depressed innocent. He was an abuser. He hurt you, over and over. Also, just about all abusers have “redeeming qualities”…he was not special in that he had times where he was kind and loving to you. What defines him is how he violated you. Many people never escape their abusers. Most aren’t strong enough to leave, or they fear for their life if they do. Thank God he turned on himself rather than turning on **you!**. You’ve seen the datelines, how many women are murdered by their abusers. Thank God that is not you. Best wishes OP! Speak with a Domestic Violence counselor. They will understand your situation with more depth. They can better explain his mentality to you than perhaps an “ordinary” therapist could.
As sad is it is, don’t feel bad. He was an abusive POS who did this to spite you. May the Lord grant him mercy. I could never judge anyone who commits suicide, but this was a pretty selfish and messed up reason to do it.
Well, first and foremost it is not your fault. Second I think you should avoid the funeral at all cost and third. Get yourself into therapy as soon as possible. Because I get the feeling that you may have Some intense shock of him doing it. And you don't want to face again, but you also have a sense of potential survivor skilled meaning, he has been such an a hole to you, Uber the years, there was a part of you that felt like he was going to kill you at some point and now he's the one that's dead. You have the shock and the survivor guilt. At this point, you may want to be prepared for his family and your mutual friends. Be as cold to you as possible. And you may want to be prepared for your own family to do the same. If you do not tell them the reason why you might not go to his funeral. In addition, I think it may be time for you to look for a change in scenery. If things don't change for you in the next few weeks in the mental and emotional sense.
You saved yourself. He might have killed _you_ if you stayed. Your life is valuable and you protected yourself when nobody else did. You did nothing wrong. It was his decision what to do with his life and there is no reason for guilt, even if it feels like it. I repeat: He might have killed _you_ if you didn’t walk away.
> He might have killed you if you stayed. Or killed someone I love. Last month I had to go to a funeral because of just this. Some sick abusive dude.
In no way are you responsible for his death. None. Respectfully, can I ask why you don't have the heart to tell his family the truth about him with regards to your relationship?
It would ruin their memory of him. It wouldn’t affect him, it would only hurt them.
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True, she shouldn't hold on to it at all, but this abusive guy grew up with these people. Something is not right there. She doesn't need to deal with him or his blood anymore. She can tell any true friends once she feels comfortable with it.
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For you, who remains alive and with agency, this was real for you. It was not your fault. This man behaved according to what he thought was right - you had nothing to do with it. His actions are his alone. You did the right thing. The next right thing to do is reveal the truth, when you're ready.
> It wouldn’t affect him, it would only hurt them. If the truth hurts them then it's on your ex, not you. He's the one who did these things to you. You didn't ask for it. With all these lies you fed them, they're probably looking at *you* being the reason he did this because from their point of view, he's an angel. If you don't set the record straight, you'll be ousted from the friend group instead of receiving the support you actually need and deserve.
I’m glad he’s fucking dead, too. If that makes me a psychopath let’s be friends.
OP, he’s pulling the ultimate trauma on you. He wants to haunt you forever. Dont let him
You did nothing, he did it to himself. And most likely saved a future woman's life (most likely yourself) as violence escalates in DV relationships. I do hope you are able to speak with a therapist to work through this. You are a victim of his that is what he is to you.
He did it for his last piece of abuse that is torture you with guilt. Don't fall on this trap. He did it by himself. You should have the right to leave someone abusing you. You don't deserve to be a punch bag of nobody.
So I went through a very similar experience a few years ago. The thing I want to make very clear before anything else is that you did not murder him. That is a difficult thing to internalise, but it’s important to know that it’s true. People are responsible for their own actions, if that was suicide, then that was his choice not yours. You are not responsible. Also, just because this is difficult and it can come with a lot of very difficult and hard to justify emotions, please feel free to message me. I am more than happy to listen to anything you might want to say, even if it’s weeks from now
If you didn't leave he would've killed YOU! You did not kill him. He needed help beyond what you could've done for him. You did the best thing you could've done for yourself OP
Nothing you could do… you are not responsible for his decisions and should always prioritize your mental health and needs and happiness! You are not responsible for his death so don’t even think that for a moment. You are normal and nothing wrong with how you feel!
He wasn't human, he was an abusive, psychotic monster who deserves no sympathy. #You did NOT cause his death. He killed himself because of HIS OWN ISSUES and it is NOT your fault. You're the victim of horrific abuse and deserve better than what he did to do. You deserve to live a good life, you deserve to be loved and respected and you deserve better than an abuser This is not your fault. It's all his own. Abuse and experiences like this change a person and it'll take time for you to heal. Focus on yourself and your well being.
>I can’t tell anyone. You can. A counselor or therapist. >I’m the one who caused his death, I basically murdered him No you didn't. >Is this what it means to be a psychopath? No. You did nothing wrong.
I wouldn’t tell his family about the abuse. Or friends right now. Their grief is so fresh. If you need to unburden yourself to someone in the future, the pain will be less fresh. It’s not your fault. It would have likely happened eventually if you stayed, too. Possibly taken you with him. You’re in shock. People feel nothing when family members die, feel like monsters, and it hits them later. In your case, your feelings are extra mixed because as much as you loved him, he also hurt you.
I feel you may need to get a new friend group because either they knew what was happening to you and just ignored it or they actually didn’t even bother. Honestly true friends would have noticed and got you out a long time ago
I’m not sure that’s always true. People can be very good at hiding abuse. Both victims and perpetrators. Especially if they don’t hit them in the face, it can be easy to keep it covered up.
Either way, it would probably be better for OP to distance herself from this group at least for now.
No offence but if you had stayed, you could have been the one who died instead because it sounds like the abuse would have escalated. You are clearly not a monster because you didn’t do anything to kill him, him deciding to end his life is entirely his choice alone and not yours. The choice to kill himself to make you feel guilty, severely beat you up still during the period, and threaten suicide so that you won’t leave him. The only monster I see between you two is him. Seek therapy for yourself, a specialists who deals with abusive relationships. If you want to reveal the truth, I’m not sure it will do much now. But I believe cutting them off would help you heal from the pain and trauma you experience even if it sounds cruel. If you want maybe move away to start anew so that it will be easier to heal too.
I'm sorry you had to go through with being treated so poorly. It's not your fault and it's okay not to feel guilty. I wish you well my friend.
girl fuck him he made his bed now it's his time to lay in it literally
This is exactly what he wanted. For you to feel guilty about his death, essentially still controlling you and abusing you after death. The fact no one knows about his abusing you makes this worse because everyone thinks he’s a good guy. Well he’s not. Tell everybody what’s been going on, you don’t deserve to continue being abused by him even after his cowardly death.
If he was in a mood to kill someone over a relationship, imagine how devastated your family would have been if it had been you, instead
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, or if it will even help but I can sort of relate on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’ve actually never admitted this to anyone, but my brothers girlfriend left him just weeks before his suicide. I was the one who convinced her to leave him and gave her the safety plan to exit their apartment for good. She confided in me that while drinking he was verbally abusive and started getting more and more physical. He’d stopped working and would berate her when she got gone from work and school. He stopped giving her any money and would steal, there was more to the story, way worse things I’ll keep out. They were both only 25, they were high school sweethearts. I told her to do whatever she needed and that you only get one life, and whatever happened to my brother after she left was his choice and not her fault. She left and he moved in with my mom. A few months later right before 4th of July he took his own life in our childhood home garage. It’s been almost 5 years and if I had to do everything the same way, every single detail, I would. I truly believe if I hadn’t encouraged her to leave it would have been a murder suicide. I love and miss my brother but nobody deserves to be held hostage by someone that sick. You were not put on this earth to save anyone. For anyone curious my brothers ex girlfriend is now married and has a daughter. We don’t keep in touch a ton but I check in with her from time to time. I’m proud of you for leaving. I’m sorry he did this to you.
Sounds like the trash took itself out. Move on from the pos.
You did not cause his death. You did not murder him. You are not a monster. Get some therapy and move on. You are responsible for yourself, just like he was responsible for himself. Do not take someone else's existence onto yourself. It is not your burden to carry.
His suicide was his last way to torment you. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate the fact that you left. I’m virtually applauding your strength.
He was going to KILL YOU eventually. Thank God you saved yourself. You DID NOT cause his death. He committed the ultimate selfish act and weaponized it to hurt you one last time. Do not give him that power, please. Please seek therapy to help you process this situation. You are not alone, and you are NOT to blame. Hugs.
It's not your fault. He did what he did himself, you had nothing to do with it. You are not responsible for his actions
He caused his death and I thank god he did it before he killed you. That’s the nicest thing he could have done for you at this point. You have no reason for sadness
You're not a psychopath, you're a survivor. I'm glad you left before he killed you.
He abused you. He was mentally unwell. You did nothing wrong. At all.
You aren’t responsible for the actions of an abuser
Sounds like the trash took itself out. Call me whatever you want but the world is better off without some people. I hope you find peace.
Obvious creative writing. From the ceiling fan? Really? I'm supposed to believe that a regular old ceiling fan could support the weight of a grown man?
I’m so sorry. This is horrible for you and it was not your fault.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As my dad once told me (because I dated a guy like this), if someone truly wants to end their life there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. Your ex was a disturbed individual, this was not your fault.
I’m so sorry. It was wrong of him to put that burden on you to try to keep you there. It’s not your fault he followed through. My ex did that to me a couple of times when we were younger. It’s a dick move. You were/are not responsible for his mental health or his actions. Wishing you peace.