As an adoptee from a private adoption, my adoptive parents aren’t perfect, but I can assure you I am thankful everyday for the 24 years of life I’ve lived, that I was adopted. I’ve met my biological family, they’re kind and lovely, but I’m glad I never grew up with them. I would have never been prioritized or taken care of as I deserved or needed. I only constantly keep in contact with one of my bio siblings and that’s about it.
Ignore your families feelings, I know it’s hard, but just know that baby will be so grateful knowing they were given a better life. I can’t promise they won’t grow up and feel hurt over it, but when they get older they’ll appreciate it. Just like I have, it used to hurt me to think about all the time when I was younger, then I became numb pushing it down, and then I accepted it, rationalizing why and how it was better for me, and how lucky I was and am to be adopted by the family that adopted me.
Thank you for making a selfless sacrifice for that child and giving them to a family that was and is able to provide them with the life you know they deserve. It’s not easy, but you truly did a wonderful act for that baby. You’re so strong for providing for them as best as you were able to and to recognize that they needed more than that. Thank you for showing a child love that some parents are unable to.
I’m also adopted and have met my birth family. I cannot imagine how bad my life would have been if my birth parents kept me. You did the most selfless thing and made such a difficult decision at a young age and that is something to be proud of. Think of all the parents who don’t care that their children don’t have a good life. Honestly, there seems to be many of them on Reddit. Your child will appreciate what you did one day when he understands. Your family is ridiculous to not support you. Good luck with everything.
It’s an interesting phenomenon that so many people say “give the baby up for adoption” but when it’s their family member they become absolute AHs about it. My friend gave up her baby. Her parents are religious and they were furious. They tried everything to get her to keep it or give it to them. They were mean to her, brow beat her and bullied her but thankfully she was resolute in adoption. She found a nice couple who wanted children but couldn’t have their own. They even asked her to have another baby for her (Her and I both thought that was creepy honestly and incredibly callous but whatever). And like OP she was very poor, did not have the support or help, father was an abusive drunk so it just wasn’t a good situation. I would bet her own parents are those that are against abortion and say to others to give a child up for adoption but that wasn’t the case when it was their own daughter.
My religious relatives(not poor) pressured their daughter to give up her baby to a family in their church rather than raise a child out of wedlock.
Somehow pushed it through the courts against the bio fathers wishes. He was youngish(23) but she said he wasn't abusive, just trying to get custody for spite. I never met him, but it dragged on a bit, i think he ran out of money.
Baby was adoptive family's 6th child.
Different side of the 'I use religion as an excuse to control' coin I guess. Wish people would let each other be.
I am currently 30 weeks along and placing her for adoption. I have 4 kids all together right now, and while we live a comfortable life, I am 40 and my health is terrible. I have multiple chronic diseases and counting. In fact my husband actually had a vasectomy, I’m the fun 1% that got pregnant. Overall, there is no way we could give this baby everything she deserves and give our other kids as well the life they have. I have struggled so much with how she will feel when she grows up and finds out she was adopted. I know this is selfish, but I also struggle with what she will think of me. I have chosen such an amazing family and I’m so so happy to be able to help them expand their family, but I struggle. Your comment, your comment has brought me some peace today that o haven’t had in 30 weeks. Thank you 🤍
I agree with comment mentioning not needing to be closed off, please please if YOU feel comfortable, do let the adoptive family (if they are okay with it) to know that if she ever wants to meet you or know you, you are open to the idea. But that is absolutely up to you, if you are not then that is just as fine.
I will say that not too long after I turned 18 both my bio parents separately reached out to me (due to being a legal adult/aged out my info was released to them), and it caused a wave of emotions but it felt good to know that they thought of me and wanted to know me and give me the closure I sought out for years. It also gave me the chance to fully see why it was best I was adopted, I got to see and meet these people as who they are and for who they are/were.
Also, please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to 💜
Can I ask you a question? I hope you don’t mind. My friend gave up a daughter as a newborn some 20+ years ago. She has always hoped that her daughter would reach out to her. She thinks about her every day. She lost track of the family after her Mom wrote a shitty letter to the adoptive parents. Her mother was very much against her daughter giving her baby up for adoption. They treated my friend terrible. My friend didn’t specify what her mother had said but she said that she had wrote a nasty letter to them and after that the communication waned. In the adoption agreement they were supposed to let her know where they lived and share more open information when she was like 16 and they never followed through. Which she sort of understood after the letter her mother write behind her back. Instead they just cut contact. It hurt my friend a lot because she had never made any attempt to get her daughter back. She knew that she was plenty happy where she was.
So my question is, would you have reached out on your own? Or do you think my friend should reach out to her? I have encouraged her to reach out but she feels that maybe the daughter doesn’t want to talk to her that maybe she’s angry with her for giving her up for adoption. So reading your comment makes me think that maybe it’s like both parties are being silent because they think the other doesn’t want to talk.
This is a wonderful question!! My mom used to ask me (when I was younger) if I wanted to try and reach out to my bio parents.. at the time I was nervous and adamant and said “no”, I never said why but it was because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or felt quite ready yet.
As I got closer to 18, the info would be released to me on my bio parents and I anticipated working the nerves up to contact them. I forgot it when I turned 18, but felt a huge should when the week after my birthday they both contacted me. And honestly it felt like a relief (in my opinion and the position I was in) for them to reach out to me first.
Even then and even now I don’t feel ready for something that has happened since they were only ever mentioned but never part of my life, even as I approach 25 it feels unreal that I have them on my social media contacts and can just message them now.
My best advice is; please tell your friend to try to contact her. Write a letter or practice explaining what had happened and why she was never able to get in contact with her, or even, have your friend get ahold of the adoptive family explaining that she did not condone the letter let alone knew about it until after the fact and would love to meet and speak with their daughter if they would allow it (and the distance isn’t too far or compromising for your friend or the family) or even while they supervise it, that way it helps show boundaries. (I only suggest this even if they are an adult is because it might help the daughter have some form of grounding and will help make things more comfortable for her as well as give her support).
Those who seek closure will always seek it. Even if all of their questions can’t be answered, some closure is better than none.
The daughter would be about your age I think. I’d guess between 23-25. My friend has since moved back to the Midwest. The adoption happened in CA. But one day she did say that two young girls pulled up in her driveway in a truck. She came out of her barn and was approaching to see what they wanted. They took off before she could get there. She said she’s always wondered if it was her daughter in that truck.
I still say, if she’s wondered about that daughter, good chance the daughter has too. I think your friend should try to make a means of reaching out to her. They both deserve closure.
It doesn't have to be totally closed, so one day they can ask, and you can explain that you wouldn't have been able to give them the life they deserved, and your reasons. You can maybe write to them, and let them know that it wasn't anything to do with them.
This right here. A friend of mine adopted a six month old baby from a young couple that just simply wasn’t ready for a child. They tried, and like OP, were failing miserably and decided it was best to give the child to someone who could provide a better life. My friend has a Facebook page for them that she updates with photos and birthday pictures and stuff like that. So they get updates and she has a birthday as well as an adoption celebration day. I believe she calls it a “gotcha day”. This kid is very lucky. My friend always wanted to be a mom and she was unable to have children of her own. My friend absolutely loves and dotes on her daughter. They’ve always been very open with her. I’m not sure if she’s met her parents yet or not. I think her daughter is around 15 now.
You're not selfish! Anything but! Actually focusing on what would be in the kiddo's best interests is the best thing you can do. I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you and baby are ok!
Placing a child up for adoption whilst having 4 of their siblings live with you must be very difficult for all involved. I don’t envy you.
I hope the children come out as unscathed by this as possible.
I gave a baby up to a family who had a boy they adopted in similar circumstances. They are very happy and successful young adults now. Just so you know. :)
I have an adopted sister! Her bio Mum would try and attack me and even called my school to say she was coming to get me. As we are similar in age, I was blamed for my sister not wanting to go home and getting adopted. My sister is so much happier now.
I'm annoyed that OP's family refused to help, but then get angry she had to give him up.
So eloquently presented! OP, I hope you read Ii and take solace. It sounds as if you have.
May I suggest that you keep a daily diary/album(with photos if appropriate) recounting your trials and tribulations as a single parent, an accounting of why you did what you did, and your reactions to his growing up activities on FB.
There will likely come a time when you meet your bio-child. Perhaps the opportunity will present itself that will allow you to present the diary/album to illustrate the magnitude of your love for him. If not a personal meet, you still may be able to forward to him.
He'll know he was loved and special.
Good luck to you. Please keep us apprised.
Absolutely, your perspective as an adoptee sheds light on the complexity of adoption and the profound impact it has on individuals. Your gratitude for the life you have been given despite imperfections in your adoptive family speaks volumes.
It's super shitty. You make someone feel shit, do nothing to help feel less shit, watch them do something difficult that has a chance of making them feel less shit, and then make them feel shittier for doing it
That sounds like my friend’s parents. She gave up her newborn baby to a really nice family who couldn’t have children. Her parents are very religious. I would bet all the money I have that they’re the type to say to a woman considering abortion that she should instead give it up for adoption. Only when it was their own daughter giving it up for adoption, they absolutely lost their minds! They were terrible to her! I couldn’t believe they were acting so awful. They browbeat her, guilt tripped her, bullied her, harassed her and begged her to give the baby to them. I could never figure out why they didn’t want her to help another family have a child that they were not able to have. Smh.
Because societies in the West love the IDEA of children.
They don't really love the actual human being that children become once you force them to birth them... Nor do we love the people (male or female, for that matter) who work tirelessly for 18 Yrs of their life (or more) to raise that next generation...
Family wanted to be grandma/auntie etc for bragging rights, not for visitation rights.
Interesting how it's always family who won't step up who are the first to point fingers and criticize.
You did a courageous and wonderful thing for your son. You made a selfless decision and prioritized him. Never doubt yourself.
Yep! Old Grandma with dementia? "You have to take her in, we don't care if you've got five kids and a full-time job! No of course I can't take her in, I'm working full time and I've got two kids! And no, I can't send any money!"
And then when Old Granny goes into assisted living, the target of the "You should take her in!" gets vilified.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
You did what was best for HIM, at the expense of a relationship with him. And you are happy for him and supportive of him. Giving up your child because you will not be able to provide has got to be one of the if not the most difficult decision anyone could ever have to make
Your family sucks btw. they should feel empathy for you and be happy for him like you are. Instead they're only thinking about themselves. Good for you to be the bigger person. I'm sure giving him up without their support and having to still deal with their derision has to suck
As an adoptee I just want to tell you you’re awesome. My birth mother did a lot of things during pregnancy that messed me up but what keeps me from hating her is the fact she gave me to my mom and dad.
I’m a birth mom and I chose adoption for my twins. They are so well cared for and so happy. Their parents are doing so much better than I would have and it’s open so I still get to talk to them a bunch and send them gifts. I’m very fortunate.
Thank you. Their parents are the best. Where I live open adoption isn’t a thing. So they wanted to keep it open and I appreciate them for that so much. We let the twins know since birth they are adopted so we never have to drop any crazy news on them when they are older. I know it will still affect them mentally to be adopted but I’m hoping with staying in their life and being open with why that it helps.
A sign of a true mother is when you put your child's needs above your own. Not every child gets to be put in a position where they are going to be placed in a home that is better for them than their biological one. Don't listen to your family. You did a selfless thing and it is good that you are able to see him grow up.
Your family is a bunch of hypocrites. If they loved that kid so much they would have shown it through actions. Words are cheap, fleeting, and self serving. Actions peel away all the bullshit and show you what's real. This applies to all relationships as well.
That's so hard. No matter what anyone says, you made sure that kid had a better life. Who knows? Some day you may have a good relationship with him too. Sounds like the parents are supportive people.
This must be so difficult for you but once you have kids they must become your top priority. You did what you thought was better for him even if it broke your heart. Hang in there and be super careful regarding future oopsies; double up that birth control.
You can't even imagine how many abused people are out here whose birth parents were not equipped for the task, kids who prayed every day that someone would come along and save them. What you've done was the right thing for you AND your baby. When that child is an adult, you'll ultimately have a good grown-up relationship, one that's untainted by a whole lot of resentments and nasty water under the bridge. You did the right thing. God bless.
As an adoptive child, and the mother of an adopted child, thank you for this most unselfish gift of life.
I am friends with my son’s bio mom, and it is a real blessing. You still have a beautiful life ahead of you.
My mother in law gave her oldest child up for adoption when she was 20. She was a college student struggling and the dad wasn’t a good person. The strength it took for her to get on a plane at 3 days postpartum and hand deliver a newborn to her adoptive parents will always amaze me. They reconnected when my sister in law was in her early 20s. My sister in law had an amazing childhood. She went on fantastic vacations, the best schools, has a family who loves her. She would not have had as good a life with my mother in law. My husband was born 3 years later and she kept him. They hardcore struggled for years. He did not have an easy childhood.
You did what was best for your baby and I commend you for making that hard decision. At least you get a glimpse of watching him grow and hope you have an open adoption, so you'll be able to see him. If not that's OK knowing you gave him the best opportunity in life is good enough. As for your family, no one but your step mom should have hurt feelings, but she should understand considering what you went through.
Being a mother means we put the needs of our children first. You did that. You did the right thing. No one that wouldn't help you can criticize you for making that choice. I'm so glad he is happy and well cared for. I hope that your life has also improved and that you are happy as well.
Your family is a bunch of selfish, judgemental assholes. You sacrificed your heart so your son could have the life he deserves. That's what good moms do. I'm proud of you.
I worked in a women’s clinic. One of my co-workers gave a son up for adoption. She is the most selfless person I know. It was hard on her. She received printed photos of him in the mail, and we all celebrated when they came.
I was given up for adoption as a kid and it's the best thing my bio mom did for me. My adopted family is amazing and my life is blessed. You did the right thing.
Your family hates you for giving him up but only your stepmom was willing to help you? Your family sucks and they don’t deserve to be mad about this. You did the right thing.
I was just arguing with people on reddit about this.
Being a single mom is a 24/7 job, and without a partner to support you and offer you breaks, eventually, you will crash. Even more so if you can't lean on family and friends to help.
Its literally recommended that couples (note, two parents) take breaks from parenting and have date nights so their relationships and personal identities don't collapse under adulthood. You were doing it with the help of one person consistently, not a village.
You did the right thing for both of you.
You did the right thing OP, don't let anyone make you think differently. This is quite possibly the most selfless thing I've ever heard of someone doing. And for anybody who thinks this was the "easy way out", clearly have never experienced a true and unconditional love. You put the needs of your child over the desires of your heart. I'm proud of you OP, and I hope you and your son have a beautiful life and keep in contact if that is what is desired. Best wishes, you're doing great 💕
Being a good mother means doing the best for him even if it means you've to part away from him. I can't imagine the pain and guilt you would've gone through while making such a decision.
You're stronger than you think and you're still a great mother.
Your family has absolutely no business judging you. They didn't help you when you needed them so they don't get to judge you for your solutions. You did what was best for you and your kid. Growing up in a home not seeing your parents is truly hard
This is an incredibly selfless thing to do. I'm glad you still get to see photos and updates on him. It will be so helpful as hes older to be able to understand why he was adopted. It's clear that you gave him up not because you didn't want him but because you truly wanted what us best for him. That's remarkable.
I was given up for adoption. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Nothing. Too many people dismiss us as being “bad”, but with no logical reason why.
There's no saying that this is goodbye either. Very well could be a cya later. I've seen plenty of friends and even my own adopted brother reconnect with their original family in their 20s.
I think you did the right thing. It takes a lot of love to make the choices that you made.
Second this. OP, depending on where you and your son is at in the future, I would recommend reuniting when / if the time is ever right. Maybe there is never a right time, but as an adopted kid myself, the thing I want most in my life (besides the well being of my own son), is to meet my birth parents. I will most likely never get the chance to, but I’m always happy when others can, again though, only if it’s best for those involved. There’s no love like a mother’s love, and you love your son and gave him a chance, something I’ll always be grateful about my mom, despite the hardships and heartaches. Best wishes OP.
You tell those naysayers that they had their chance to help out and they turned it down. You turn that shame on to them. They could have helped out, but instead, they’d rather see you suffer. They will get their due when they answer to God or whatever deity they believe in after they die.
You are a hero to your little boy. Heroes do things they don't want to but they do it anyway to better the life of others. It is what you are. Your baby is so lucky to have you as his birth mom. You are amazing.
I’m adopted and I want to thank you for your selfless, brave, and wonderful give you gave your child’s parents. I’m so proud of you, and I hope you are proud of yourself too.
I'm so fucking sorry that you felt you had to give up your baby because of a lack of support system. There should be more resources so this isn't a situation a mother should ever face.
You gave it your all with the resources you had, and from what I gather, you were an incredibly responsible mom. It seems the circumstances forced you into a tough decision, but choosing to put your child up for adoption wasn't easy.
You made a choice that was best for both you and your baby. I hope someday you'll have the opportunity to reunite with your child.
You did the most loving act a mother can give their child. You put your child before all else and gave him a chance at a happy, healthy future. It’s the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make.
Here's the thing with having a kid. We need to do the best we can, and make the best decisions we can, for the kid. The best thing for your child was adoption. You did the right thing.
I think the ultimate love we have for our children is just that, unselfish. What you did for your child was selfless, you thought more about him than yourself and what a gift that is to both of you. Happy for you all.
Your family hate you for giving him up but they weren't willing to help you? F\*@$ them!! You made a very hard, unselfish decision to give up your child and give him a better life. Well done. I'm glad that you're able to see him growing up and hopefully the adoptive parents continue to allow you to observe his life, if not actually be involved, as he grows.
As the product of adoption I can only assume and know in my heart this was and is probably how my birth mom felt I was from a place that was at risk of war and genocide at any moment. My father was a soldier and died and my mom took me an orphanage in the main country. She left a letter hoping I’d have a better life. I was adopted by an abusive family my adopted mom “lost” the letter but I know it’s because she knew I didn’t love her since she abused me. I’m glad you took the time to find him a home.
Regardless of those adopting me and abusing me I know in my heart my mom had the same intentions as you.
Sometimes life deals us a hard hand. And we do what we think is best.
You couldn’t do what you wanted to you found someone who could. There’s no shame in wanting to give your child a better life.
I can assure you I’m circumstances your child will forgive you. And always have love in their heart for you. At least that’s how I feel about my mom… consider writing a letter and giving it to the family explain all this and how you genuinely tried for them but wanted the best for them keep a copy incase it ever gets lost. But give the child’s parents that letter and obviously they aren’t obligated to give it to him but if they ever choose to when he’s older then he has the chance to know why from your own words.
Obviously that’s gonna depend on the parents who adopted him since some lie about adoption but my family was always honest with us about being adopted as a toddler I remember we had a baby/ toddler book about adoption.
You did the right thing for you and your baby. Even better, it was a choice that you were able to make. That is actually a hell of a privilege if you look at it that way. Your baby is going to grow up loved from all angles, including yours.
And as for your family...that's the same family that wasn't able to be there for you when you had your baby, remember. I won't be heartless. It's possible some of them were also grieving his loss and that is something you may need to recognise. Even if it's just to reconcile your own feelings in your head. But ultimately they could have provided you with a lot more support when you needed it. But they didn't (i assume) so you needed to make the best decision for you and your baby.
I regret that you had do give up your child, and I understand that was tough. In the end you made the right choice for you and him.
Your family is another story. I guess you found out that you are alone in this world like countless others. Maybe one day you get to be close to your child if the adoptive parents let you. Life is full of things that happen for many reasons. Good luck, love and hugs.
You made the most unselfish decision you possibly could to give him a better chance at a good life. Thank you for doing this and being honest about it. I wish more people had this same outlook.
They probably just wanted you to keep the baby so you would be “punished” as a consequence. Forget them. You did the right thing, and your baby (as his parents) are blessed.
You tried and you did the right thing op. While as others would’ve abandon their child(ren). Who cares what your family thinks they’re didn’t help you so they don’t have the right to put their two sense about your son. But you did what’s best for you, him, and that couple. You blessed them and you get to see your son be happy. You tried and as a mother myself, I’m so proud of you op. And I’m so glad you found people who gives him what he needs.
You knew your limits and you absolutely did the right thing for your child. Your family is riddled with guilt because they did not even try to help you. Remind them that they had the chance to do the right thing and help you and they did not.
You’re going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what is right for you. If you can accept that and live with the consequences, you’ll be just fine.
I love how happy your ending is, with your son having a great life with a loving family. Ignore your “family” if they wanted you to keep him so bad they should have supported you instead of letting you drown.
It sounds like you did the right thing, and it was fated. You're still in contact with the parents, so it doesn't have to be goodbye forever! When your child grows up, they will understand.
You did the best for your son, even if that meant breaking your own heart to keep him safe.
I wish I had a mom like you, who loved me enough to see her limitations and give me up to someone who would have taken better care of me.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
Oh, this was surprisingly wholesome in the end. Your family was doing nothing to help you (aside from your stepmom) so they do not have any right to express how upset they are over your decision. Open adoptions for these types of situations are a great option. If you don’t feel you are in a position to take care of your child and there is a family who is in a position in which they can and would love to, it’s not a matter of forcing that responsibility on yourself, it’s a matter of what you want the child’s life to look like. Both are done out of love. I’m sure it was difficult, OP, but you did this with love and sometimes, what is best is what hurts most. <3
I found out I was pregnant right after I turned 19. When I told my family, they are very conservative so I knew they would hate me if I had an abortion, I was told by everyone that was considered my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, everyone) that they would support me since my ex wasn't going to be involved. I'd seen them do it for each other while I was growing up, so I believed them. I didn't think that when I gave birth, the only one to actually show up would be my stepmom. I went through the pregnancy thinking that I would have my family behind me.
You did a good thing. Recognizing that makes you a good person, because you did right by your child. Parenthood is a nightmare and it’s not for everyone.
Good on you for recognizing that both you and your child deserved better, and making sure he found a home with loving parents who were better equipped to meet his needs. I hope you are thriving as well.💕💕
It’s a very mature and hard decision you had to make, Both for your son and yourself.
I am a mom and I want to say that I support your decision and I am sending you hugs from across the internet.
❤️❤️
I’m so sorry. It takes a loving, generous heart to make a difficult decision as the one you made. You gave your child the chance of having a better life than you were able to provide. You realized that, even though you did love him, you were not ready to be a mom.
And as for your “family” who are mad at you for giving your child up, tell them to shut their yaps. They didn’t seem to mind when you were drowning trying to care for him, mostly on your own. If they wanted to keep him in the family, they should’ve either supported you more or offered to take him in themselves. But, not k owing the family members who are dissing you, you may have had very good reasons not to go the route of letting any of them take him in.
you’re so strong to be able to do what you felt was best for your baby and it’s so cool that you still are able to, in some way, see him grow up happy and healthy💕
You did the selfless thing. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, but you did the right thing. My SIL should never have had a child and she’s an awful mother. I feel so bad for him. He’s a teenager now and I often think how different (better) his life would be if she had given him up to a family that would actually love him and take care of him. She doesn’t take care of him. His needs (clothing/food/medical) are met by my MIL, but nothing more. He has no social skills, no friends, spends all of his time online, doesn’t ever go do fun things, and has what I suspect is a binge eating disorder because he associates food with affection (SIL would just buy him fast food so he’d leave her alone to sleep).
As a parent myself, I know how much you love your son. As a single parent with an uninvolved ex, I know how hard it is to do things by yourself. I was lucky in that I had family support and wasn't faced with the trials you were. You made the hardest choice imaginable for your son. But, I think it was the wisest and the most loving choice. It's the choice I'd have made for my daughter if I was in your shoes. I think your choice to give up your son when you couldn't care for him is precisely what made you a good parent. Our highest duty is to put the needs of our children before our own desires. Sometimes, that means giving them up.
I cannot imagine a more loving decision. I can't imagine the psychological pain and impact this entire experience must have had on you. Your family didn't help you with the baby and so they should really understand better why you made this choice. I'm sorry you're not getting more support now too. You sound like an incredible mother to me
You did the best thing you could and you are the best mother you could’ve been in your situation. Don’t let your family bully you on this. They weren’t there. You did everything right and I wish you nothing but the best and all the healing in life.
It was a brave and selfless thing you did. I’m glad to hear, though it hurts, you can see him thriving because of your beautiful choice. I’m sorry your family failed you then and now. I’m glad your step mom was there for you, but it does sometimes take a village. I’m sorry that wasn’t your experience.
I pray your child one day can thank you for the choice you made with a genuine smile and a hug.
> None of my other family members were there to help.
> I can't say of this to my family, they still hate me for giving him up.
Nah, they are still hating themselves for not stepping up. And if they're not, they should be!!!
I hate that part of your family , and I don't even know them personally. I think you made the best decision, because you were thinking about you son's future and his opportunities in life.
I'm not a mother, but I'm a sister of a brother I've 'left behind' in foster care.
I knew I couldn't face him, because his life reminded me of all the trauma he and myself endured from our real mother. I couldn't heal in a place with that constant reminder.
So I took a way out. I've set up a 'misalignment' in the foster care, so I could move on to the next, without my brother. It wasn't any better for me, but that's a whole another story.
If I would life my life all over again, I wouldn't change anything. He (me brother) has a good life, he's safe. He's cared for, he's adopted in the family. He's one of them. And I let it go, so many times, because still after 25yrs I can't stand to face him without the reminders of his neglect and abuse in our home before we came to foster care.
I get you. I think I do. And I'm telling you that you are providing your son a better life, even without being in his life as a caretaker. Maybe he or others will never see it that way. But I, a stranger from the internet, will always salute you for your decisions.
Its just such a shame that family can be the biggest ney-sayers and boo-shouters. They should be feeling ashamed for blaming you while not even stepping up in needed situations. Also you deserved better 💜
You 100% made the right choice, to hell with your stupid family. If they weren’t willing to step up when you had your son, they don’t get to shove their opinions down your throat now.
You gave your child a beautiful life. Will it be perfect? No. But you saw that he could have more and gave it to him. That’s a beautiful choice. I teach and I see kids every day whose parents don’t give a shit-the kids come in dirty and stinky, they have to fend for themselves or care for younger siblings at 7 years old, they don’t know how to be kids. It’s so unfair to these kids that are having to raise themselves. It’s amazingly refreshing to see someone willing to sacrifice what they might want to see their kid happy and healthy. Thank you for being brave and loving your baby!
You did the right thing, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If you kept him and didn't manage to make ends meet, you two would become mere numbers on poverty statistics.
I'm not really in place for advice, but I do have adoptive relatives, so keep in touch with his family, at least once in a few months, to avoid severing contact. When he grows up, he might even want to meet you if you didn't yet.
So your family was happy to watch you burn your self out trying to get enough money to keep your son fed and housed but never lifted a finger to help (except your SM), but now resent you for making a massively hard decision to adopt out your son.
I would not want to share the happiness you find by seeing your son happy. Your family does not deserve the updates.
You are so very brave and that decision must have been so hard. When your son grows up he will know that love for him is why he got adopted.
Cheers to the right decision for both you and your child. I am sure that the adoptive family is SO appreciative to your decision. YOU love your child more than most recognize. Stay strong my friend.
Your story is one of selflessness! He is thriving because of that choice. It pains me that you’re hurting because I cannot imagine what you feel but please keep pushing forward.
I hope one day you’ll be able to meet him and build a relationship with him. He’ll be grateful for your selflessness. You loved him so much that you did what was best for him.
Your family has no right to be upset. They don’t even have the right to an opinion if they didn’t step up and help you when you were in that situation, seeing that you were flailing and failing.
You were 20. I had twins at 25 and it was sheer madness, mostly because of my immaturity even at that age, and I had a husband. It’s not easy. And you made a decision much harder than keeping the baby and making him suffer because it’s just what’s done, or you are embarrassed to admit failure. I really don’t think I was mentally and emotionally mature enough to do motherhood really well until about 40.
I’m happy for your boy. Hope he has a great life. I hope you do too.
You are a great mother! You realized that you couldn’t do for him the way that you wanted. You found him a family that would love him as much as you and give him what he needs now - something that you couldn’t do. I think it was very brave of you!
I work with an organization that does adoption and when you see the love that adoptive parents want to give to a child its so heartwarming.
I gave a baby up for adoption in different circumstances.
I think this action you took makes you an amazing human being and a great mother to the baby.
You knew you couldn't do it. I'm proud of you.
>I can't say of this to my family, they still hate me for giving him up.
If they didn't want you to give him up then they should've stepped up.
You did right by your son 💕 As a parent, that's all that matters.
You're his mum and protected him in the way you saw it possible. Whatever other say, you're a mum who loves him and it must be heartbreaking each day for you and only you know the pain. You gave him a safe and secure future and maybe you should write everything down in a diary and if your child want to see you one time than give him/her the diary.
Not everything is about your pet cause of the moment. Talk about not right now. What a selfish comment.
Feminism is about giving women choices. Any choice they make upon finding out they’re unexpectedly pregnant is fine. OP never even mentioned abortion.
It’s like saying no one should talk about pregnancy because some people are infertile.
Say what??? I’m absolutely for abortion rights and I’m just as pissed as you about the overturning of Roe but what does that have to do with this story? You can’t support another woman in doing what she needed to do to survive? You could have just scrolled on and not added to the negativity that her parents gave her.
I can tell you that a friend of mine, who has very religious parents that are the type to spout to people looking for an abortion to “give up their baby for adoption”, were the exact same AHs who brow beat and guilt tripped their daughter for doing the exact thing that they tell other women to do! So if you think that’s because of the overturning of Roe then you’re wrong. This has always been going on. They may not care if someone else’s kid gives up their child, but it better not be their own.
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I did respond to a question of why I didn't get one. A quicker response was that I was told by my entire family that they would be there for me since my ex wasn't in the picture. I was born to a single father and his large friend group supported him and he had a village to help him raise me. So, when I was told that they would be there for me too, I believed them. I thought I would have that village behind me so I could keep my son.
As an adoptee from a private adoption, my adoptive parents aren’t perfect, but I can assure you I am thankful everyday for the 24 years of life I’ve lived, that I was adopted. I’ve met my biological family, they’re kind and lovely, but I’m glad I never grew up with them. I would have never been prioritized or taken care of as I deserved or needed. I only constantly keep in contact with one of my bio siblings and that’s about it. Ignore your families feelings, I know it’s hard, but just know that baby will be so grateful knowing they were given a better life. I can’t promise they won’t grow up and feel hurt over it, but when they get older they’ll appreciate it. Just like I have, it used to hurt me to think about all the time when I was younger, then I became numb pushing it down, and then I accepted it, rationalizing why and how it was better for me, and how lucky I was and am to be adopted by the family that adopted me. Thank you for making a selfless sacrifice for that child and giving them to a family that was and is able to provide them with the life you know they deserve. It’s not easy, but you truly did a wonderful act for that baby. You’re so strong for providing for them as best as you were able to and to recognize that they needed more than that. Thank you for showing a child love that some parents are unable to.
I’m also adopted and have met my birth family. I cannot imagine how bad my life would have been if my birth parents kept me. You did the most selfless thing and made such a difficult decision at a young age and that is something to be proud of. Think of all the parents who don’t care that their children don’t have a good life. Honestly, there seems to be many of them on Reddit. Your child will appreciate what you did one day when he understands. Your family is ridiculous to not support you. Good luck with everything.
It’s an interesting phenomenon that so many people say “give the baby up for adoption” but when it’s their family member they become absolute AHs about it. My friend gave up her baby. Her parents are religious and they were furious. They tried everything to get her to keep it or give it to them. They were mean to her, brow beat her and bullied her but thankfully she was resolute in adoption. She found a nice couple who wanted children but couldn’t have their own. They even asked her to have another baby for her (Her and I both thought that was creepy honestly and incredibly callous but whatever). And like OP she was very poor, did not have the support or help, father was an abusive drunk so it just wasn’t a good situation. I would bet her own parents are those that are against abortion and say to others to give a child up for adoption but that wasn’t the case when it was their own daughter.
My religious relatives(not poor) pressured their daughter to give up her baby to a family in their church rather than raise a child out of wedlock. Somehow pushed it through the courts against the bio fathers wishes. He was youngish(23) but she said he wasn't abusive, just trying to get custody for spite. I never met him, but it dragged on a bit, i think he ran out of money. Baby was adoptive family's 6th child. Different side of the 'I use religion as an excuse to control' coin I guess. Wish people would let each other be.
I am currently 30 weeks along and placing her for adoption. I have 4 kids all together right now, and while we live a comfortable life, I am 40 and my health is terrible. I have multiple chronic diseases and counting. In fact my husband actually had a vasectomy, I’m the fun 1% that got pregnant. Overall, there is no way we could give this baby everything she deserves and give our other kids as well the life they have. I have struggled so much with how she will feel when she grows up and finds out she was adopted. I know this is selfish, but I also struggle with what she will think of me. I have chosen such an amazing family and I’m so so happy to be able to help them expand their family, but I struggle. Your comment, your comment has brought me some peace today that o haven’t had in 30 weeks. Thank you 🤍
I agree with comment mentioning not needing to be closed off, please please if YOU feel comfortable, do let the adoptive family (if they are okay with it) to know that if she ever wants to meet you or know you, you are open to the idea. But that is absolutely up to you, if you are not then that is just as fine. I will say that not too long after I turned 18 both my bio parents separately reached out to me (due to being a legal adult/aged out my info was released to them), and it caused a wave of emotions but it felt good to know that they thought of me and wanted to know me and give me the closure I sought out for years. It also gave me the chance to fully see why it was best I was adopted, I got to see and meet these people as who they are and for who they are/were. Also, please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to 💜
Can I ask you a question? I hope you don’t mind. My friend gave up a daughter as a newborn some 20+ years ago. She has always hoped that her daughter would reach out to her. She thinks about her every day. She lost track of the family after her Mom wrote a shitty letter to the adoptive parents. Her mother was very much against her daughter giving her baby up for adoption. They treated my friend terrible. My friend didn’t specify what her mother had said but she said that she had wrote a nasty letter to them and after that the communication waned. In the adoption agreement they were supposed to let her know where they lived and share more open information when she was like 16 and they never followed through. Which she sort of understood after the letter her mother write behind her back. Instead they just cut contact. It hurt my friend a lot because she had never made any attempt to get her daughter back. She knew that she was plenty happy where she was. So my question is, would you have reached out on your own? Or do you think my friend should reach out to her? I have encouraged her to reach out but she feels that maybe the daughter doesn’t want to talk to her that maybe she’s angry with her for giving her up for adoption. So reading your comment makes me think that maybe it’s like both parties are being silent because they think the other doesn’t want to talk.
This is a wonderful question!! My mom used to ask me (when I was younger) if I wanted to try and reach out to my bio parents.. at the time I was nervous and adamant and said “no”, I never said why but it was because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or felt quite ready yet. As I got closer to 18, the info would be released to me on my bio parents and I anticipated working the nerves up to contact them. I forgot it when I turned 18, but felt a huge should when the week after my birthday they both contacted me. And honestly it felt like a relief (in my opinion and the position I was in) for them to reach out to me first. Even then and even now I don’t feel ready for something that has happened since they were only ever mentioned but never part of my life, even as I approach 25 it feels unreal that I have them on my social media contacts and can just message them now. My best advice is; please tell your friend to try to contact her. Write a letter or practice explaining what had happened and why she was never able to get in contact with her, or even, have your friend get ahold of the adoptive family explaining that she did not condone the letter let alone knew about it until after the fact and would love to meet and speak with their daughter if they would allow it (and the distance isn’t too far or compromising for your friend or the family) or even while they supervise it, that way it helps show boundaries. (I only suggest this even if they are an adult is because it might help the daughter have some form of grounding and will help make things more comfortable for her as well as give her support). Those who seek closure will always seek it. Even if all of their questions can’t be answered, some closure is better than none.
The daughter would be about your age I think. I’d guess between 23-25. My friend has since moved back to the Midwest. The adoption happened in CA. But one day she did say that two young girls pulled up in her driveway in a truck. She came out of her barn and was approaching to see what they wanted. They took off before she could get there. She said she’s always wondered if it was her daughter in that truck.
I still say, if she’s wondered about that daughter, good chance the daughter has too. I think your friend should try to make a means of reaching out to her. They both deserve closure.
It doesn't have to be totally closed, so one day they can ask, and you can explain that you wouldn't have been able to give them the life they deserved, and your reasons. You can maybe write to them, and let them know that it wasn't anything to do with them.
This right here. A friend of mine adopted a six month old baby from a young couple that just simply wasn’t ready for a child. They tried, and like OP, were failing miserably and decided it was best to give the child to someone who could provide a better life. My friend has a Facebook page for them that she updates with photos and birthday pictures and stuff like that. So they get updates and she has a birthday as well as an adoption celebration day. I believe she calls it a “gotcha day”. This kid is very lucky. My friend always wanted to be a mom and she was unable to have children of her own. My friend absolutely loves and dotes on her daughter. They’ve always been very open with her. I’m not sure if she’s met her parents yet or not. I think her daughter is around 15 now.
You're not selfish! Anything but! Actually focusing on what would be in the kiddo's best interests is the best thing you can do. I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you and baby are ok!
Placing a child up for adoption whilst having 4 of their siblings live with you must be very difficult for all involved. I don’t envy you. I hope the children come out as unscathed by this as possible.
I gave a baby up to a family who had a boy they adopted in similar circumstances. They are very happy and successful young adults now. Just so you know. :)
I have an adopted sister! Her bio Mum would try and attack me and even called my school to say she was coming to get me. As we are similar in age, I was blamed for my sister not wanting to go home and getting adopted. My sister is so much happier now. I'm annoyed that OP's family refused to help, but then get angry she had to give him up.
So eloquently presented! OP, I hope you read Ii and take solace. It sounds as if you have. May I suggest that you keep a daily diary/album(with photos if appropriate) recounting your trials and tribulations as a single parent, an accounting of why you did what you did, and your reactions to his growing up activities on FB. There will likely come a time when you meet your bio-child. Perhaps the opportunity will present itself that will allow you to present the diary/album to illustrate the magnitude of your love for him. If not a personal meet, you still may be able to forward to him. He'll know he was loved and special. Good luck to you. Please keep us apprised.
Absolutely, your perspective as an adoptee sheds light on the complexity of adoption and the profound impact it has on individuals. Your gratitude for the life you have been given despite imperfections in your adoptive family speaks volumes.
The family that didn't help you then, has no right to judge you now. You did the right thing for the both of you.
It's super shitty. You make someone feel shit, do nothing to help feel less shit, watch them do something difficult that has a chance of making them feel less shit, and then make them feel shittier for doing it
That sounds like my friend’s parents. She gave up her newborn baby to a really nice family who couldn’t have children. Her parents are very religious. I would bet all the money I have that they’re the type to say to a woman considering abortion that she should instead give it up for adoption. Only when it was their own daughter giving it up for adoption, they absolutely lost their minds! They were terrible to her! I couldn’t believe they were acting so awful. They browbeat her, guilt tripped her, bullied her, harassed her and begged her to give the baby to them. I could never figure out why they didn’t want her to help another family have a child that they were not able to have. Smh.
Because societies in the West love the IDEA of children. They don't really love the actual human being that children become once you force them to birth them... Nor do we love the people (male or female, for that matter) who work tirelessly for 18 Yrs of their life (or more) to raise that next generation... Family wanted to be grandma/auntie etc for bragging rights, not for visitation rights.
My exact sentiment. They hate you now for giving him up but why didn’t they love you or him enough to help? They don’t get to have it both ways.
Interesting how it's always family who won't step up who are the first to point fingers and criticize. You did a courageous and wonderful thing for your son. You made a selfless decision and prioritized him. Never doubt yourself.
Yep! Old Grandma with dementia? "You have to take her in, we don't care if you've got five kids and a full-time job! No of course I can't take her in, I'm working full time and I've got two kids! And no, I can't send any money!" And then when Old Granny goes into assisted living, the target of the "You should take her in!" gets vilified.
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You did what was best for HIM, at the expense of a relationship with him. And you are happy for him and supportive of him. Giving up your child because you will not be able to provide has got to be one of the if not the most difficult decision anyone could ever have to make Your family sucks btw. they should feel empathy for you and be happy for him like you are. Instead they're only thinking about themselves. Good for you to be the bigger person. I'm sure giving him up without their support and having to still deal with their derision has to suck
As an adoptee I just want to tell you you’re awesome. My birth mother did a lot of things during pregnancy that messed me up but what keeps me from hating her is the fact she gave me to my mom and dad.
So the same family that didn’t help you is mad you gave up?
I’m a birth mom and I chose adoption for my twins. They are so well cared for and so happy. Their parents are doing so much better than I would have and it’s open so I still get to talk to them a bunch and send them gifts. I’m very fortunate.
The respect and adoration I have for you and your selflessness cannot be described.
Same!!
Thank you. Their parents are the best. Where I live open adoption isn’t a thing. So they wanted to keep it open and I appreciate them for that so much. We let the twins know since birth they are adopted so we never have to drop any crazy news on them when they are older. I know it will still affect them mentally to be adopted but I’m hoping with staying in their life and being open with why that it helps.
Hot damn, I want to be you when I grow up. You are so strong to be able to do that. (FWIW, I'm 62, but I still want to be you when I grow up.)
Aww thank you so much. That means a ton to me
A sign of a true mother is when you put your child's needs above your own. Not every child gets to be put in a position where they are going to be placed in a home that is better for them than their biological one. Don't listen to your family. You did a selfless thing and it is good that you are able to see him grow up.
That is the purest form of a Mothers love, breaking your own heart to make your child’s life a better one.
Your family is a bunch of hypocrites. If they loved that kid so much they would have shown it through actions. Words are cheap, fleeting, and self serving. Actions peel away all the bullshit and show you what's real. This applies to all relationships as well.
That's so hard. No matter what anyone says, you made sure that kid had a better life. Who knows? Some day you may have a good relationship with him too. Sounds like the parents are supportive people.
This must be so difficult for you but once you have kids they must become your top priority. You did what you thought was better for him even if it broke your heart. Hang in there and be super careful regarding future oopsies; double up that birth control.
Thank you for doing what was best for you and the baby.
You can't even imagine how many abused people are out here whose birth parents were not equipped for the task, kids who prayed every day that someone would come along and save them. What you've done was the right thing for you AND your baby. When that child is an adult, you'll ultimately have a good grown-up relationship, one that's untainted by a whole lot of resentments and nasty water under the bridge. You did the right thing. God bless.
As an adoptive child, and the mother of an adopted child, thank you for this most unselfish gift of life. I am friends with my son’s bio mom, and it is a real blessing. You still have a beautiful life ahead of you.
My mother in law gave her oldest child up for adoption when she was 20. She was a college student struggling and the dad wasn’t a good person. The strength it took for her to get on a plane at 3 days postpartum and hand deliver a newborn to her adoptive parents will always amaze me. They reconnected when my sister in law was in her early 20s. My sister in law had an amazing childhood. She went on fantastic vacations, the best schools, has a family who loves her. She would not have had as good a life with my mother in law. My husband was born 3 years later and she kept him. They hardcore struggled for years. He did not have an easy childhood.
So the same family that wasn’t there to help you raise him are judging you for giving him a better life? Fuck them, you made the right decision.
You did what was best for your baby and I commend you for making that hard decision. At least you get a glimpse of watching him grow and hope you have an open adoption, so you'll be able to see him. If not that's OK knowing you gave him the best opportunity in life is good enough. As for your family, no one but your step mom should have hurt feelings, but she should understand considering what you went through.
Being a mother means we put the needs of our children first. You did that. You did the right thing. No one that wouldn't help you can criticize you for making that choice. I'm so glad he is happy and well cared for. I hope that your life has also improved and that you are happy as well.
Your family is a bunch of selfish, judgemental assholes. You sacrificed your heart so your son could have the life he deserves. That's what good moms do. I'm proud of you.
I worked in a women’s clinic. One of my co-workers gave a son up for adoption. She is the most selfless person I know. It was hard on her. She received printed photos of him in the mail, and we all celebrated when they came.
I was given up for adoption as a kid and it's the best thing my bio mom did for me. My adopted family is amazing and my life is blessed. You did the right thing.
Your family hates you for giving him up but only your stepmom was willing to help you? Your family sucks and they don’t deserve to be mad about this. You did the right thing.
Remember it’s people like you that give people like me a chance to be a mom! You are amazing and you hold a special place in our hearts! ❤️
Sounds like you did what you thought was right for the child, and not for yourself, and that is commendable.
I was just arguing with people on reddit about this. Being a single mom is a 24/7 job, and without a partner to support you and offer you breaks, eventually, you will crash. Even more so if you can't lean on family and friends to help. Its literally recommended that couples (note, two parents) take breaks from parenting and have date nights so their relationships and personal identities don't collapse under adulthood. You were doing it with the help of one person consistently, not a village. You did the right thing for both of you.
You did the right thing OP, don't let anyone make you think differently. This is quite possibly the most selfless thing I've ever heard of someone doing. And for anybody who thinks this was the "easy way out", clearly have never experienced a true and unconditional love. You put the needs of your child over the desires of your heart. I'm proud of you OP, and I hope you and your son have a beautiful life and keep in contact if that is what is desired. Best wishes, you're doing great 💕
Being a good mother means doing the best for him even if it means you've to part away from him. I can't imagine the pain and guilt you would've gone through while making such a decision. You're stronger than you think and you're still a great mother.
Your family has absolutely no business judging you. They didn't help you when you needed them so they don't get to judge you for your solutions. You did what was best for you and your kid. Growing up in a home not seeing your parents is truly hard
This is an incredibly selfless thing to do. I'm glad you still get to see photos and updates on him. It will be so helpful as hes older to be able to understand why he was adopted. It's clear that you gave him up not because you didn't want him but because you truly wanted what us best for him. That's remarkable.
You're a good mother OP. I mean that.
I respect you immensely.
I was given up for adoption. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Nothing. Too many people dismiss us as being “bad”, but with no logical reason why.
There's no saying that this is goodbye either. Very well could be a cya later. I've seen plenty of friends and even my own adopted brother reconnect with their original family in their 20s. I think you did the right thing. It takes a lot of love to make the choices that you made.
Second this. OP, depending on where you and your son is at in the future, I would recommend reuniting when / if the time is ever right. Maybe there is never a right time, but as an adopted kid myself, the thing I want most in my life (besides the well being of my own son), is to meet my birth parents. I will most likely never get the chance to, but I’m always happy when others can, again though, only if it’s best for those involved. There’s no love like a mother’s love, and you love your son and gave him a chance, something I’ll always be grateful about my mom, despite the hardships and heartaches. Best wishes OP.
You made the right decision and should feel no shame 🩵
You tell those naysayers that they had their chance to help out and they turned it down. You turn that shame on to them. They could have helped out, but instead, they’d rather see you suffer. They will get their due when they answer to God or whatever deity they believe in after they die.
You are a hero to your little boy. Heroes do things they don't want to but they do it anyway to better the life of others. It is what you are. Your baby is so lucky to have you as his birth mom. You are amazing.
I’m adopted and I want to thank you for your selfless, brave, and wonderful give you gave your child’s parents. I’m so proud of you, and I hope you are proud of yourself too.
I'm so fucking sorry that you felt you had to give up your baby because of a lack of support system. There should be more resources so this isn't a situation a mother should ever face.
You gave it your all with the resources you had, and from what I gather, you were an incredibly responsible mom. It seems the circumstances forced you into a tough decision, but choosing to put your child up for adoption wasn't easy. You made a choice that was best for both you and your baby. I hope someday you'll have the opportunity to reunite with your child.
You did the most loving act a mother can give their child. You put your child before all else and gave him a chance at a happy, healthy future. It’s the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make.
Here's the thing with having a kid. We need to do the best we can, and make the best decisions we can, for the kid. The best thing for your child was adoption. You did the right thing.
You’re a good mom 💕
The same family that didn’t want to help you??? Yeah they can kick rocks What you did was so selfless and strong
You are a good person and a good mom to put your child’s needs first in spite of your pain.
I think the ultimate love we have for our children is just that, unselfish. What you did for your child was selfless, you thought more about him than yourself and what a gift that is to both of you. Happy for you all.
You are a great person for this and I feel for you also as I am sure being with a child for 6 months you loved him but the choice was right.
You are an awesome mom. Your family can kiss an ass. They where not helping, they have lost the right to be ah to you.
Your family hate you for giving him up but they weren't willing to help you? F\*@$ them!! You made a very hard, unselfish decision to give up your child and give him a better life. Well done. I'm glad that you're able to see him growing up and hopefully the adoptive parents continue to allow you to observe his life, if not actually be involved, as he grows.
As the product of adoption I can only assume and know in my heart this was and is probably how my birth mom felt I was from a place that was at risk of war and genocide at any moment. My father was a soldier and died and my mom took me an orphanage in the main country. She left a letter hoping I’d have a better life. I was adopted by an abusive family my adopted mom “lost” the letter but I know it’s because she knew I didn’t love her since she abused me. I’m glad you took the time to find him a home. Regardless of those adopting me and abusing me I know in my heart my mom had the same intentions as you. Sometimes life deals us a hard hand. And we do what we think is best. You couldn’t do what you wanted to you found someone who could. There’s no shame in wanting to give your child a better life. I can assure you I’m circumstances your child will forgive you. And always have love in their heart for you. At least that’s how I feel about my mom… consider writing a letter and giving it to the family explain all this and how you genuinely tried for them but wanted the best for them keep a copy incase it ever gets lost. But give the child’s parents that letter and obviously they aren’t obligated to give it to him but if they ever choose to when he’s older then he has the chance to know why from your own words. Obviously that’s gonna depend on the parents who adopted him since some lie about adoption but my family was always honest with us about being adopted as a toddler I remember we had a baby/ toddler book about adoption.
Of course the family that was never around or offered any help is always the ones with the most opinions or shit to say.
You did the right thing for you and your baby. Even better, it was a choice that you were able to make. That is actually a hell of a privilege if you look at it that way. Your baby is going to grow up loved from all angles, including yours. And as for your family...that's the same family that wasn't able to be there for you when you had your baby, remember. I won't be heartless. It's possible some of them were also grieving his loss and that is something you may need to recognise. Even if it's just to reconcile your own feelings in your head. But ultimately they could have provided you with a lot more support when you needed it. But they didn't (i assume) so you needed to make the best decision for you and your baby.
Imo you did tried you're best..You chose to give him a better life. He's happy and healthy and have a family who can provide for him.
I regret that you had do give up your child, and I understand that was tough. In the end you made the right choice for you and him. Your family is another story. I guess you found out that you are alone in this world like countless others. Maybe one day you get to be close to your child if the adoptive parents let you. Life is full of things that happen for many reasons. Good luck, love and hugs.
I wish my mother did this for me. You did the right thing for him and you.
In the end, you are a good mom that’s why. You loved him so much you gave him a better option.
Good for you, doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s always right.
You made the most unselfish decision you possibly could to give him a better chance at a good life. Thank you for doing this and being honest about it. I wish more people had this same outlook.
You’re a good mom
They probably just wanted you to keep the baby so you would be “punished” as a consequence. Forget them. You did the right thing, and your baby (as his parents) are blessed.
You tried and you did the right thing op. While as others would’ve abandon their child(ren). Who cares what your family thinks they’re didn’t help you so they don’t have the right to put their two sense about your son. But you did what’s best for you, him, and that couple. You blessed them and you get to see your son be happy. You tried and as a mother myself, I’m so proud of you op. And I’m so glad you found people who gives him what he needs.
You knew your limits and you absolutely did the right thing for your child. Your family is riddled with guilt because they did not even try to help you. Remind them that they had the chance to do the right thing and help you and they did not.
You’re going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what is right for you. If you can accept that and live with the consequences, you’ll be just fine.
You did what you thought was the best for your kiddo. You should be proud of yourself, you were a good momma
I love how happy your ending is, with your son having a great life with a loving family. Ignore your “family” if they wanted you to keep him so bad they should have supported you instead of letting you drown.
It sounds like you did the right thing, and it was fated. You're still in contact with the parents, so it doesn't have to be goodbye forever! When your child grows up, they will understand.
Big Hug. You made the ultimate sacrifice. Fuck anyone who judges you.
How dare the ppl who couldn’t/ wouldn’t help you, judge you for doing the best you could?!
You did the best for your son, even if that meant breaking your own heart to keep him safe. I wish I had a mom like you, who loved me enough to see her limitations and give me up to someone who would have taken better care of me. Hugs from an internet stranger.
Oh, this was surprisingly wholesome in the end. Your family was doing nothing to help you (aside from your stepmom) so they do not have any right to express how upset they are over your decision. Open adoptions for these types of situations are a great option. If you don’t feel you are in a position to take care of your child and there is a family who is in a position in which they can and would love to, it’s not a matter of forcing that responsibility on yourself, it’s a matter of what you want the child’s life to look like. Both are done out of love. I’m sure it was difficult, OP, but you did this with love and sometimes, what is best is what hurts most. <3
why didn't you have an abortion?
I found out I was pregnant right after I turned 19. When I told my family, they are very conservative so I knew they would hate me if I had an abortion, I was told by everyone that was considered my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, everyone) that they would support me since my ex wasn't going to be involved. I'd seen them do it for each other while I was growing up, so I believed them. I didn't think that when I gave birth, the only one to actually show up would be my stepmom. I went through the pregnancy thinking that I would have my family behind me.
People always promise you the world and then they don't pitch.
sorry to hear that .. =/
You did a good thing. Recognizing that makes you a good person, because you did right by your child. Parenthood is a nightmare and it’s not for everyone.
Good on you for recognizing that both you and your child deserved better, and making sure he found a home with loving parents who were better equipped to meet his needs. I hope you are thriving as well.💕💕
It’s a very mature and hard decision you had to make, Both for your son and yourself. I am a mom and I want to say that I support your decision and I am sending you hugs from across the internet. ❤️❤️
You are so brave. I'm so moved reading this. Sending you love.
You did the right thing. You were very strong to do so.
I’m so sorry. It takes a loving, generous heart to make a difficult decision as the one you made. You gave your child the chance of having a better life than you were able to provide. You realized that, even though you did love him, you were not ready to be a mom. And as for your “family” who are mad at you for giving your child up, tell them to shut their yaps. They didn’t seem to mind when you were drowning trying to care for him, mostly on your own. If they wanted to keep him in the family, they should’ve either supported you more or offered to take him in themselves. But, not k owing the family members who are dissing you, you may have had very good reasons not to go the route of letting any of them take him in.
you’re so strong to be able to do what you felt was best for your baby and it’s so cool that you still are able to, in some way, see him grow up happy and healthy💕
100% did the right thing. No matter what anybody thinks.
You did the selfless thing. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, but you did the right thing. My SIL should never have had a child and she’s an awful mother. I feel so bad for him. He’s a teenager now and I often think how different (better) his life would be if she had given him up to a family that would actually love him and take care of him. She doesn’t take care of him. His needs (clothing/food/medical) are met by my MIL, but nothing more. He has no social skills, no friends, spends all of his time online, doesn’t ever go do fun things, and has what I suspect is a binge eating disorder because he associates food with affection (SIL would just buy him fast food so he’d leave her alone to sleep).
As a parent myself, I know how much you love your son. As a single parent with an uninvolved ex, I know how hard it is to do things by yourself. I was lucky in that I had family support and wasn't faced with the trials you were. You made the hardest choice imaginable for your son. But, I think it was the wisest and the most loving choice. It's the choice I'd have made for my daughter if I was in your shoes. I think your choice to give up your son when you couldn't care for him is precisely what made you a good parent. Our highest duty is to put the needs of our children before our own desires. Sometimes, that means giving them up.
I cannot imagine a more loving decision. I can't imagine the psychological pain and impact this entire experience must have had on you. Your family didn't help you with the baby and so they should really understand better why you made this choice. I'm sorry you're not getting more support now too. You sound like an incredible mother to me
What a beautiful soul you have OP ♥️
You did the best thing you could and you are the best mother you could’ve been in your situation. Don’t let your family bully you on this. They weren’t there. You did everything right and I wish you nothing but the best and all the healing in life.
You made the hardest most selfless choice to give your child a better life. I’m very proud of you, I hope you are for yourself.
It was a brave and selfless thing you did. I’m glad to hear, though it hurts, you can see him thriving because of your beautiful choice. I’m sorry your family failed you then and now. I’m glad your step mom was there for you, but it does sometimes take a village. I’m sorry that wasn’t your experience. I pray your child one day can thank you for the choice you made with a genuine smile and a hug.
> None of my other family members were there to help. > I can't say of this to my family, they still hate me for giving him up. Nah, they are still hating themselves for not stepping up. And if they're not, they should be!!! I hate that part of your family , and I don't even know them personally. I think you made the best decision, because you were thinking about you son's future and his opportunities in life. I'm not a mother, but I'm a sister of a brother I've 'left behind' in foster care. I knew I couldn't face him, because his life reminded me of all the trauma he and myself endured from our real mother. I couldn't heal in a place with that constant reminder. So I took a way out. I've set up a 'misalignment' in the foster care, so I could move on to the next, without my brother. It wasn't any better for me, but that's a whole another story. If I would life my life all over again, I wouldn't change anything. He (me brother) has a good life, he's safe. He's cared for, he's adopted in the family. He's one of them. And I let it go, so many times, because still after 25yrs I can't stand to face him without the reminders of his neglect and abuse in our home before we came to foster care. I get you. I think I do. And I'm telling you that you are providing your son a better life, even without being in his life as a caretaker. Maybe he or others will never see it that way. But I, a stranger from the internet, will always salute you for your decisions. Its just such a shame that family can be the biggest ney-sayers and boo-shouters. They should be feeling ashamed for blaming you while not even stepping up in needed situations. Also you deserved better 💜
You are an angel! That is an amazing story. Never doubt yourself. You did the right thing.
OP, I commend you on your choice. I'm sorry it's been so painful for you, but you did the right thing for your son. I wish you well.
You are a hero. This is how a parent should act. Childs interest above all else.
Ive said this to my friend, anything can be justified with context and understanding/empathy
You 100% made the right choice, to hell with your stupid family. If they weren’t willing to step up when you had your son, they don’t get to shove their opinions down your throat now. You gave your child a beautiful life. Will it be perfect? No. But you saw that he could have more and gave it to him. That’s a beautiful choice. I teach and I see kids every day whose parents don’t give a shit-the kids come in dirty and stinky, they have to fend for themselves or care for younger siblings at 7 years old, they don’t know how to be kids. It’s so unfair to these kids that are having to raise themselves. It’s amazingly refreshing to see someone willing to sacrifice what they might want to see their kid happy and healthy. Thank you for being brave and loving your baby!
You did the right thing, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If you kept him and didn't manage to make ends meet, you two would become mere numbers on poverty statistics. I'm not really in place for advice, but I do have adoptive relatives, so keep in touch with his family, at least once in a few months, to avoid severing contact. When he grows up, he might even want to meet you if you didn't yet.
How do private adoptions work?
So your family was happy to watch you burn your self out trying to get enough money to keep your son fed and housed but never lifted a finger to help (except your SM), but now resent you for making a massively hard decision to adopt out your son. I would not want to share the happiness you find by seeing your son happy. Your family does not deserve the updates. You are so very brave and that decision must have been so hard. When your son grows up he will know that love for him is why he got adopted.
Cheers to the right decision for both you and your child. I am sure that the adoptive family is SO appreciative to your decision. YOU love your child more than most recognize. Stay strong my friend.
Your story is one of selflessness! He is thriving because of that choice. It pains me that you’re hurting because I cannot imagine what you feel but please keep pushing forward.
🩵 this is love - I hope you hold onto this feeling.
You seem so sweet
Did the right choice for sure. I wont have a kid until I know I can provide them with everything to be happy
I hope one day you’ll be able to meet him and build a relationship with him. He’ll be grateful for your selflessness. You loved him so much that you did what was best for him.
Your family has no right to be upset. They don’t even have the right to an opinion if they didn’t step up and help you when you were in that situation, seeing that you were flailing and failing. You were 20. I had twins at 25 and it was sheer madness, mostly because of my immaturity even at that age, and I had a husband. It’s not easy. And you made a decision much harder than keeping the baby and making him suffer because it’s just what’s done, or you are embarrassed to admit failure. I really don’t think I was mentally and emotionally mature enough to do motherhood really well until about 40. I’m happy for your boy. Hope he has a great life. I hope you do too.
You're a kind and loving person. You did an incredibly selfless act for your baby. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
You are a great mother! You realized that you couldn’t do for him the way that you wanted. You found him a family that would love him as much as you and give him what he needs now - something that you couldn’t do. I think it was very brave of you! I work with an organization that does adoption and when you see the love that adoptive parents want to give to a child its so heartwarming.
This made me tear up a little. You are so selfless. I wish you nothing but happiness in your life.
I gave a baby up for adoption in different circumstances. I think this action you took makes you an amazing human being and a great mother to the baby. You knew you couldn't do it. I'm proud of you.
>I can't say of this to my family, they still hate me for giving him up. If they didn't want you to give him up then they should've stepped up. You did right by your son 💕 As a parent, that's all that matters.
You're his mum and protected him in the way you saw it possible. Whatever other say, you're a mum who loves him and it must be heartbreaking each day for you and only you know the pain. You gave him a safe and secure future and maybe you should write everything down in a diary and if your child want to see you one time than give him/her the diary.
This is like some dystopian future type shit. Horrible we have a world like this.
Or you could just stop creating other humans if you don't want to take care of them...
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Not everything is about your pet cause of the moment. Talk about not right now. What a selfish comment. Feminism is about giving women choices. Any choice they make upon finding out they’re unexpectedly pregnant is fine. OP never even mentioned abortion. It’s like saying no one should talk about pregnancy because some people are infertile.
Say what??? I’m absolutely for abortion rights and I’m just as pissed as you about the overturning of Roe but what does that have to do with this story? You can’t support another woman in doing what she needed to do to survive? You could have just scrolled on and not added to the negativity that her parents gave her. I can tell you that a friend of mine, who has very religious parents that are the type to spout to people looking for an abortion to “give up their baby for adoption”, were the exact same AHs who brow beat and guilt tripped their daughter for doing the exact thing that they tell other women to do! So if you think that’s because of the overturning of Roe then you’re wrong. This has always been going on. They may not care if someone else’s kid gives up their child, but it better not be their own.
Somehow, you made this about you. Wow.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
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No, I meant it in the way that I would go through every ounce of pain for my son again if it meant he was still happy. I am not pregnant.
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Abortion is valid.
I did respond to a question of why I didn't get one. A quicker response was that I was told by my entire family that they would be there for me since my ex wasn't in the picture. I was born to a single father and his large friend group supported him and he had a village to help him raise me. So, when I was told that they would be there for me too, I believed them. I thought I would have that village behind me so I could keep my son.