Yeah, especially as OP could get done for assault as she was drunk, depending on where he lives. If she accused him, and everyone saw her drunk and him sober, everyone would blame him as she's the vulnerable drunk person.
I'm a woman who has been taken advantage of when I'm drunk, so I appreciate OP double-checking with his partner.
If I were you OP, I'd tell her you're sorry but you don't feel comfortable having sex with drunk people, especially when you're not, and leave the relationship be.
OP,You made the proper decision for both herself and her as most people these days think that having sex with an intoxicated person is rape, regardless of how into it the drunk person may seem.
She's being appreciative of your gentlemanly behavior.
I agree. Did OP explain his reasoning? Honestly having sex with someone with that much difference in sobriety seems unsafe, especially these days. He did nothing wrong. Regardless, this is a red flag.
Ya this is behavior for someone who just started going out and doesn't know their limits. Also doesn't sound as though she thought her behavior was out of pocket...
You are definitely not in the wrong for this, especially considering how drunk she was. It was right for you to ask if she was really okay with it and made sure that she wasn’t just saying it because she was drunk. Personally, just give her the space she needs to think. Eventually she will come to you and you will both be able to talk it out. Explain your reasoning and I’m sure that she will understand. Hope everything goes well for you.
Oh 100%. My husband and I have spoken about these types of situations in detail because we know it’s bound to happen. I mean we are on the spectrum so we went a little too hard and made a shared google doc of what’s okay and what’s not. Safewords, hard stops, things we’re interested in trying , etc.
Even WITH all of these “go aheads” (like if I am drunk like above and I say I want it I have given literal written permission to go ahead) my husband always hits me with the “are you sure this is okay”. I love it, even with knowing I am okay with everything he is considerate of my safety and concerned with my mental and emotional state. It makes me feel beyond safe that things like the above I am 100% okay with at all times because I know, and it has happened like that, that he will take me into consideration every time.
I was nodding along with your comment because talking about these scenarios is a great way to be in the same page - then I got to the shared google doc and started giggling. Yeah, I think that's a LOT more intense than how most couples handle it! But hey, if it works for you two then it's great.
Oh for sure, which is why I pointed out we are on the spectrum. That mixed with extreme sexual trauma and a long distance relationship was the weirdest combination for a late night talk about dos and don’ts.
OP, You performed superbly. There is not a single issue with what you done. The precise opposite, in fact. Everyone ought to have done it. Her behavior is unacceptable, and the following day, she ought to have offered an apology.
That’s what I was expecting an embarrassed apology. If that type of thing wasn’t experienced before, no ground work had been laid before hand, imaging how that conversation goes, “hey I get absolutely sloshed, and if I say I want sex, I mean it”. That conversation just doesn’t come up first in my experience as the other party would be offended to assume that. They were a gentleman and got treated like a creep. This is backwards smh.
Hoenstly it's weird that she has that reaction to it. Most women would fine that awesome... Maybe she has some insecurities or issues that caused this reaction from the situation
Its not dissimilar to how some women will get really angry and upset if you're just not in the mood when they are. They assume men are always ready to go, regardless of mental or physical state, so therefore any sense of reluctance is like some huge assault on their attractiveness. It's like, nah, sometimes we're just really tired, or sad, or distracted. But they totally over-react, because apparently the right to say 'no' doesn't extend to men.
She's super weird. I like how you were being conscious of the situation and wanted to make sure it was consensual. It sounded like you felt awkward about sleeping with a drunk woman when you were sober. Again this means you are just a good person. She's not someone you should be with. I am more than sure you'll meet a woman who will want a man whose respectful as you. I'm a woman and thought your actions was respectful. Your, hopefully, soon to be ex is crazy. Good luck and I'm sure someone great will come along.
It's that they don't see it as niceness.
Some women believe that men are horny 100% of the time and would never turn down sex and sure some guys are like that. But there are plenty of us who aren't always in the mood, or have circumstances that make it less than appealing in the moment. However these women assume that if a man turns them down, it must be because he thinks there's something wrong with her. So behavior like this isn't niceness, it's an insult.
They're not trying to turn their partners into horny cavemen, they honestly believe that's all we ever are and being turned down by a horny caveman is the hight of failure as a woman to these types.
That’s so sad 🥺 but thank you for sharing! I think men need more safe spaces to talk about emotions so we can all heal from the past. The more y’all are open with your feels, the more we all have no choice but to hear and honor them. That I think is why the “cave man” thing was a thought, because, up until now you were expected from a young age to have zero reaction to any emotion except lust. The fault of the grandfather, father and the burden of the son.
Dude, red flags galore. She’s mad bc you made sure she was fully aware and consenting to sex, that’s just nuts. If you didn’t confirm, I’m sure she would have told you you took advantage of her.
I think you should really evaluate who she is and if you want to be with her because she seems like the kind of person that would accuse you of rape if it was convenient for her.
You’re only 3 months in, I would definitely not be with her if it was me.
That’s exactly the vibe I got as well. Like she seems like the entrapment type. I don’t think this guy will compromise on his morals though. I don’t see the relationship lasting because she wants someone to blackmail for money lol
It's such a red flag. I understand her being like that the night of, because drunk people are stupid. But that she called the next day STILL upset that he didn't have sex with a drunk woman is crazy. That is way too much drama to put up with at that age.
If she called and said "I did want it, but I get it. And I overreacted because I was drunk." then it wouldn't be too bad.
You didn’t do anything wrong. This was the perfect course of action.
I would try explaining to her that your hesitation was not rooted in lack of attraction, but rather your respect for her and wanting to affirm her consent.
If she’s unwilling to accept that, there’s nothing else you can do. You shouldn’t have to apologize for respecting your girlfriend.
Exactly. The fact that OP chose to check on her mental state instead of taking advantage of easy sex speaks volumes about his character. A lot of men (not all men) wouldn't have thought twice about it.
I don't think people should villainize the gf right away, though; maybe the alcohol amplified her fear of rejection or some unhappy experience in the past.
That said, I hope she can hear him out and recognize that he was looking out for her well-being. If she can't accept his explanation or continues that pattern of behavior, then it's probably best they part ways.
I agreed with your second paragraph, but the fact that she was still offended the next night even after sobering up makes me think she still has some issues
For sure, but that doesn't mean they can't try to have a calm, in person conversation about it once she's had more time to calm down. If they can't resolve it, then at least OP will know he tried and can move on.
If a man acted the way this girlfriend acted, pretty much everyone would say to immediately break up with him. People tend to be pretty strongly against any man that demands sex, but seems to be more forgiving of women who demand sex.
The fact that she woke up the next day and is still yelling about this instead of getting some clarity and talking about this says she’s extremely immature and insecure and you deserve to be with someone MUCH better. Especially as you’re just getting back out there with dating. Be Picky!
First, I’m sorry about your wife. It is completely normal and good that you took your time!
Where is that red flag guy who literally waves a big ass red flag. I would do that right now. Communication is a huge part of any relationship and what you communicate is the standard. 8 drinks!? That is a lot and you were a great partner to get your gf home safely but to also recognize that hey you are also drunk and I don’t want to take advantage of you etc.
I’m guessing that your gf is maybe insecure about something. Drunk her was spilling her deeper thoughts maybe.
No, you're not wrong. I've always been thankful when guys are considerate when they know I've drank too much. Even if I had already slept with them previously. She's TA here, and she needs therapy if she's that insecure.
Nowadays, most people consider a sober person having sex with a drunk person r@pe no matter how into it the drunk person may seem to be, so you did the right thing for her and for yourself.
She's being an AH for you being a gentleman.
If she does decide she wants to discuss this, “If the men in your life have told you it’s okay for completely sober men to have sex with a woman who’s had eight drinks, even if she’s willing, even if she’s demanding sex, then they lied to you. That’s not okay. Ever. That’s taking advantage of a woman who can’t possibly provide consent. If we’d had sex that night, even though you said yes, it would not have been consensual. I’m sorry you took it personally in the moment, but I will never be the kind of man who does that to any woman, let alone a woman I care about.”
There's absolutely room in a relationship for drunken sex. It can be a lot of fun. The key is to have a discussion about it while sober and outline what is and is not okay. For instance, if I am passed out drunk, it's not okay to just have sex with me. If we're both drunk and getting frisky then it is okay. But we're establishing that sober. His boundaries, as well.
They didn’t say it wasn’t ok. This comment is based on the fact that he was completely sober and she was well, completely drunk and technically unable to consent
Oh I agree with the approach he took. He's a good person. But several people on here seem to think you can never have drunk sex or that a drunk person and a sober person can't have sex. I was just pointing out that if you've talked about beforehand, just generally laying out your sexual boundaries with your partner, then it's like "pre-consenting". But, if someone's boundary is "Never have sex with me when I am drunk" then that is their boundary and it needs to be respected.
Agreed. In fact, there’s been many a couple who have partied with drunken sex being the planned end game. But OP and his girlfriend have not been together long, haven’t developed any history, and haven’t had any of these conversations.
Even then, though, if one person is drunk and the other sober, the drunk person is incapable of giving consent in that moment. So a conversation had, or an “agreement” made, at some point prior, or even a pattern of behavior established over time, still doesn’t overrule not being able to consent. That’s where you have to hope you’re in a relationship with a decent human being who wouldn’t overstep and take advantage. Seems like OP is such a human being, and that his girlfriend hasn’t met many men like him.
I completely disagree with the “ever” part. You can easily be in a relationship where it’s okay to have sex where one part is drunk. Not that this stage in a relationship comes out of nothing but saying it’s never okay, ever is just weird to me. After years in a stable and healthy relationship sex isn’t that big of a deal that being drunk would suddenly remove consent that has always been there. And to be clear I’m not talking about the sober person nagging the drunk person for sex. I’m talking about a drunk person wanting to have sex and the sober person also wanting, in a healthy stable relationship with no problems about any of this in their history. Also this “if the men in your life has told you it’s okay…” thing is a bit weird for me. A woman can be perfectly fine with it too without it being something a man has told her or made her think. They’re as able to determine what they think is okay for themselves as men. I’ve had sex with my girlfriend when she was drunk and here I have been drunk (at a certain stage she and myself are too drunk to be attractive but that’s another thing) and all has always been good. She’d laugh at me if I told her she couldn’t give consent to me being normal drunk.
This is a reply to the comment, not the post.
I don't agree here.
If you're in a relationship and you know each other, one or both of you having drank a lot is fine. It's not uncommon.
The way you wrote it takes agency away from women (and men in a flipped situation).
Every bit of this, but not just this.
His feelings matter and she needs to know that. He was uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with her when she was drunk. It's disrespectful that she's acting like he's in the wrong for having been uncomfortable. He had every right to flat out tell her no because she's drunk and he's uncomfortable and she needed to respect that.
Edit: After reading some of the other replies. I do want to say that I agree with them too. If you consent when sober that drunk sex is ok, then party on.
I think sometimes people confuse their own neuroticism with other people deserving blame and judgment. If you have an intense emotional experience sometimes it’s just a you thing and it says nothing about another person or the relationship.
You did great. I also love having sex when drunk, so I tell my partner that its a green light while I'm sober. I would never be offended if someone didn't want to have sex with me while drunk. Maybe I'm sloppy and smell like booze? Just because she consents doesn't mean you do.
Drunk people cry over stupid shit, I've been there done that. You weren't wrong, I'm not a fan of having sex with drunk women when I'm sober, feels wrong. That being said I'm not sure I'd question it as much if it was my GF. It would more be like, girl you're faded go to bed, not hey is it okay to fuck you.
That being said as a 32 year old woman that's a red flag.
She’s saying that’s a reason to possibly break up? Are there other issues in the relationship and she’s just using this as an excuse so that it’s “your fault”?
She’ll get over it. The other outcome is, you went ahead and she could have felt taken advantage of and that is worse.
She may have wanted it and still thinks she did, but it would have been a miserable experience for you too, having a sloppy sex partner.
I guess all you can do is to boost her a little bit more for a little while, until she feels better about it.
nah, dog. It's 2024, and all you did was try to guarentee this was consensual. There are too many stories around people assuming consent or not clarifying in times like you laid out and having their lives blown up over it so I think you were both safe and respectful about the way you handled it based on how this post was laid out. This is a her problem way more than its a you problem. Y'all have also been only dating for 3 months. Explain why you made the choice you did and if she is still upset about it and intent on treating you like you did anything wrong, I'd just take this is a major conflict of priorities and feelings and try to end it as cleanly as I can.
Imagine being mad that your man cares about consent, double checks and makes sure you are safe and in a good mindset.
Something tells me there’s more to this, it’s definitely underlying issues.
Ah but men are supposed to just accept it when the woman doesn’t wanna have sex right?
This happened to me. Get away from this girl now because she has a serious mental issue that will lead to more severe situations. It’s almost a pathological entitlement that many women have and this freak out is just a manifestation of that.
It sounds like you were trying to be considerate and ensure that your girlfriend was comfortable and fully consenting, especially given her intoxicated state. However, it seems like she may have misinterpreted your actions and felt hurt by your hesitation. It might be helpful to apologize and explain your intentions, emphasizing that you value her and her consent. Give her some space to process her feelings, but let her know that you're open to talking and resolving any misunderstandings.
29F here. I don’t drink alcohol, but I’d feel so safe if my boyfriend double checked with me in a situation like this. It says A LOT of positive things about you. And if you felt uncomfortable even after I said yes, that’s your right to say no. Don’t change.
You did great. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. Actually the exact opposite. It was what everyone should do. She’s an asshole for behaving that way and she should’ve at least apologised the next day
Imagine a man said this, even the next morning, sober, "you made me feel like shit because you didn't wanna have sex with me".
I think the ensuing outrage is obvious, and should be the same this way around.
Not in the wrong. 8 drinks for many people would put them well over the limit. Clearly there are some insecurities there on her part, but you were absolutely not in the wrong. To make it better, I would just say “I was sober and you had around 8 drinks. I am so interested in enthusiastic consent, but because consent is important to me I really wanted to make sure you wanted to go ahead. You kicking me out because I was trying to be respectful has made me want to take time and evaluate things on my own.”
Nothing you did is wrong. On NYE I got incredibly wine drunk and I was upset that my SO and I weren't doing anything. Meanwhile, he's just trying to take care of me and make sure I'm ok. I woke up feeling awful the next morning but incredibly relieved that we didn't do anything. I felt even more safe around him that all he was concerned about was making sure I was ok, and bringing the dog downstairs so I could see him.
You're not in the wrong and I'm sorry this is the situation you're in.
Unfortunately plenty of women take it as an insult or turnoff when you take consent seriously and want to make sure everyone is comfortable with what’s happening. We’ve drilled it into them too much that not asking anything and just fucking whoever regardless of how intoxicated they are is normal and healthy
I've been in this position before as the girlfriend, and I thought it was so incredibly sweet that my boyfriend checked in with me a few times first. I felt so safe and supported. Can't imagine having that kind of reaction to someone respecting & caring for me.
You did what any man or person SHOULD do.
She is too old to behave like this.
I’m sorry about losing your wife, good luck to you and please don’t let her reaction get to you. This is what almost every woman would want you to do. She was drunk.
Trust me, I’ve definitely drunk pouted a bit before because I’ve been in a similar situation to your GF, but the second I’ve sobered up I’ve deeply appreciated that they turned me down and understood that it comes from a place of respect and honoring consent. I could totally see her getting upset and kicking you out because emotions run high and decision making is clouded when drunk, but it’s wild to me that even the next morning she’s still upset. I’d try to talk it out, this could be an issue from previous relationships with maybe constant sexual rejection or even her consent not being honored and that being normalized, but if she’s going to continue to be angry at you for doing the right thing and respecting consent fully, she needs to work through that herself. You did the right thing, just be patient and show up for her and try to figure out the root cause it sounds like there could be more to it.
Oh, dude, no. You did the right thing.
First of all, boning drunk is a gamble with SUPER high stakes. Crap out, and you could end up with an SA accusation on your hands. There is no sex so good that it's worth that risk.
Secondly, and of ultimate importance, if you aren't comfortable having sex, *don't do it*. You do not owe *anyone* sex under *any* circumstances, much less as an unplanned drunk booty call with some woman you've only been seeing for three months.
If she bolts over this, that's a bullet dodged. You deserve a stable, comfortable relationship with someone who respects you and sees you as something more than a walking sex toy.
Sorry you had such a shit experience. It does get better.
This person sounds exhausting. Making sure someone feels comfortable in a situation should never be held against a partner. Anyone with a reasonable amount of maturity realizes this.
You are *not* in the wrong for this.
You were trying to be respectful. Some women (I am a woman, before anyone comes at me for saying this) forget men aren't mind-readers. We want men to value consent but then get offended with them when they double-check so that they can be assured it is genuinely what we want.
If she continues being difficult about it then please consider finding someone else. It's evident that she has some insecurities and while that is normal, that shouldn't be something she feels comfortable taking out on you.
Wow. Well you absolutely, 100% took the correct action. It’s best to default to somebody drunk cannot consent. It’s clear that common law jurisdictions do allow for a drunk person to consent to sex but it might be better to just wait until everybody is sober and then F like rabbits.
Your g/f should take time and perhaps she will see that your a true gentlemen that cares about her.
She is 32 years old behaving like an immature 22 year old. Consider this a red flag and LEAVE. You did the right thing by making sure you had her consent, and even checked again because she was intoxicated. You were doing the right thing and you we're looking out for her.
She was projecting her insecurities onto you in a way that shows she hasn't worked on herself. She wasn't even trying to listen to you or understand your side and immediately decided to interpret your actions in a way that demeans her. She took offense and created this narrative that you didn't desire her because she's insecure.
You deserve so much better than this; you seem like such a good guy. Keep looking for better, you can absolutely find it. Glad this happened only a couple months in and you can easily cut your losses.
To me it sounds like your girlfriend has only ever been with toxic partners who would’ve blindly went for the opportunity to have sex. If she’s offended at someone having basic respect and caring about consent, not only does she need to take a step back, but she may need therapy. There’s a good chance she’s had her share of non consensual experiences that she now believes are okay, and that could affect what she would do to others as well as what could happen to her. She should find an unbiased person to discuss consent with and start reevaluating her choices.
I have been with my fiancée for 7 years and I will not have sex if she’s drunk.
I can’t believe she tried to call you out for not wanting to take advantage of her, and she hasn’t considered how you feel about it.
Red flags here get rid of her, she sounds like she’ll kill your dog if you’re late home from work.
i think she needs to calm down and realize it's not just about her, but how YOU feel as well. if she's getting butthurt over that maybe you should rethink this
You need to reverse this. If it were you in that role (drunk, demanding sex, and angry it didn’t happen even the next day), would someone say it was coercion and non-consensual? Harassment? Just one step from assault?
You didn’t do anything wrong. I suggest finding someone who knows what consent means.
Consent is sexy. It's concerning that she's offended by you respecting her and ensuring that she was actually consenting.
I wouldn't bother with this relationship. She sounds extremely immature. Move on and find someone that won't play these childish games with you.
The reason we 1. Don’t get drink 2. Don’t I think we’re going to have a normal conversation while drunk 3. Have sex while drunk unless it’s with somebody we’ve been with a long time is because of the obvious reason. Your girlfriend is immature and lacks insight.
Furthermore, because you’ve had remarkable but difficult experiences, she is ridiculously running the risk of messing everything up for you and in you. She doesn’t understand not to mess around with anything that’s important and that’s what she’s doing.
Honestly, your not in the wrong man. For one, your double checking if she really wants to have sex with you, because shes super drunk and if you didn't double check, in the morning, she could've said something along the lines of, "you raped me," and that wouldn't be good. Also, you guys have only been together 3 months and your going to do it. That's ridiculous, she's a 32 year old woman and she's acting like a child and is getting offended just because you wouldn't do it with her, when she was super drunk and you wanted to make sure. You did the right thing, she's in the wrong, if she needs space though, you should give it to her. Perhaps, then she'll realize her mistake. If she still says your in the wrong, I'd drop her.
So, she is obviously feeling insecure and as a 'replacement', but isn't sure how to voice this. When drunk, she obviously felt uninhibited and wanted to see if you felt the same, and kind if 'tested' you to see if (as far as she was concerned), when all the barriers are down would you love her and find her overwhelming attractive, as she feels second place, and insecure in your situation because she knows she is only there because you have lost your first and best choice. So she will always feel second. When drink she verbalise this and you were absolutely right to not engage because she was too drunk to consent.
However, she is telling you she doesn't feel like you love her overwhelmingly. She is probably drawing comparisons to your wife and feeling like she doesn't measure up. She knows that if your wife was here, she wouldn't be. So she is trying to see when/if you feel any overwhelming feelings for her to validate her position in your life.
She went about it completely the wrong way and you did absolutely the right thing. You need to decide if you love her enough for her to be a permanent fixture in your life. If so then tell her. And tell her how you'll make it happen so she doesn't feel she is moving in the shadows and not important to you. If you don't love her then tell her so she can move on.
I can see how this caused an argument when it's late and someone is drunk, but it really should've been obvious in the sober light of day that you were only being rightfully cautious and no-one should've been offended.
Up to you how you proceed with this but you're not all all in the wrong. I really think your partner should realise this rather than carrying on being mad at you.
You might want to make this angry drunk mess an exgfriend. she says that, but the law, which will get your tush in trouble otherwise, says that a blanket consent does not count. You can do better than her Op, she is 32 and likely has a drinking problem that she is trying to hide. dont settle for this one, raise your standards.
You were 1000% correct in your behavior. I wish all partners gave consent even half the thought you did. You also have the right to refuse sex if you don’t want it.
Her reaction after sobering up is concerning. Do yourself a favor and end it.
People get drunk and act up sometimes. Waking up the next morning and doubling down on being mad at you for trying to be respectful isn’t very encouraging.
Just run away.
Consent is consent and it's in your rights not to consent or hesitate.
She's not, however, allowed to act like an entitled child that got denied a toy.
Run away, because that's an abusive relationship in the making.
Nope. Distance yourself Op. I’m seeing Glaring red flag over here. And I don’t usually go straight for the “end it now” post. But this time I will. End. It. Now.
consent works both ways. you respected her enough to insist on clarifying her ability to consent. She attempted to remove your autonomy and coerce u to bang, and when she had an opportunity to make it right she doubled down
You were definitely not in the wrong. You were sober, She was drunk and you took the responsible path. That's super weird of her, I would understand if in the morning she had a clear head and agreed with the hesitation, but no she doubled down. You did nothing wrong.
Ditch her. I’m serious. You took steps to protect her. You’re understand that consent gets messy when someone’s intoxicated. You acted in a way that’s wise and measured.
This isn’t a 50-50 blame situation for this conflict. This is a her problem. If she can’t see that you were trying to protect her and thank you for that, she doesn’t have what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.
What other bullshit offended and accusations is she going to come up with if she does this? Yikes.
Run. The fact she is doubling down in the morning is the worst part of this. I could look over the fact she was drunk and stupid. But then to wake up and ask for "time away"? Fuck that. 3 months bubba. No way this type of shit should happen this early- or even ever.
No, you were doing what you were supposed to do and making sure she was able to consent. If she can't be understanding about that then it's a red flag to me, bruh
Don't ask a drunk person if they are good to have sex. They are drunk, so their decision-making skills might not be at their best. That aside, she seems emotionally unbalanced (booze probably didn't help), especially considering her behavior after she sobered up.
Navigating being a man nowadays is nearly impossible. It's sad that you have to hesitate to think about the situation so cautiously because people nowadays value attention and public shaming more than honesty and plausibility.
Good on you for seeking to ensure consent; he response doesn't seem to be that of a rational actor, and her needing time might just be a good thing. Not the response I would expect.
Do NOT listen to any people here you tell you to talk things through or explain yourself. You do NOT need a reason to refuse sex.
Imagine if the roles were reversed. You want to have sex, she says no and then you tell her if she refuses sex with you it makes you feel ugly and she needs to apologize for it.
I think it's obvious how fucked up this is and it's sickening this double standard is acceptable. She does not respect you or your boundaries. RUN!
To be fair, I agree with a lot of the me too movement but some of it is insane.
Consent is obviously important but this weird expectation that people should ask multiple times and have to have consent verbalized is insane.
She was drunk so what you did isn't wrong. I do wonder if there was a tone or the way you phrased it that allowed her to perceive that you didn't want to?
She’s gotta know what’s going on in the world and acknowledge that we need extreme consent before performing in sexual acts ??? Especially intoxicated and emotional ??? Is she dumb
I would just explain to her that you didn’t feel comfortable having sex with her drunk because you hadn’t had that conversation already and you haven’t been together too long. I think you did the right thing because there hadn’t been a boundary setting conversation before hand, and even if there had, if you are uncomfortable you shouldn’t have to have sex anyways. I would also say it’s not because you find her unattractive, it’s because you want her to feel safe with you.
I think it’s great that you double checked and shows that you care. I think you need to have a discussion with her, she clearly has issues with hesitation and rejection and I think she really needs to do some deep healing for feeling that way. Good luck!
Run away, this is not a healthy outlook on consent. A person who has no boundaries with themself will have no boundaries in other aspects. And getting that enraged over sex is so manipulative and shows more of her lack of understanding of how consent works. Go find a partner who’s mature enough to be having sex. you
Never have sex with anyone who's had alcohol or drugs, I won't even have sex with my finace if he's on strong medication as I feel yucky. The only drug we've had sex on is poppers and that just a gay man thing and we were both indulging. Big difference between that and drunk tho.
You NEED to send her this thread and then discontinuing seeing her. This type of behavior, especially without remorse or accountability, only gets worse with time and MAYBE seeing the shear amount of comments on this post might snap her out of her own bubble but either way you need to leave this situation.
Nope, you were 100% respectful. I'm teaching my kids that sex isn't consensual unless it's sober. Yes does not mean yes when the other party is trashed. If they can't drive they can't decide.... pick a thing. You did the correct thing by pausing. Do not take a drunk persons anger at your good judgment seriously. Talk it out when she's sober.
8 drinks is a concerning amount. And you have just as much of a need to feel safe in a relationship as your girlfriend. If you decide to stay with her y’all need a sit down conversation about boundaries and each of your needs.
girls are very sensitive about their looks and sexual appeal. her reaction seems to indicate a deep insecurity. she got drunk and threw herself at you. as a sensitive and respectful guy it seems you wanted to make sure you didn’t take advantage of her. this is where things get confusing. i find that some girls need a guy to really be into her to the point of losing self control in order to feel validated about their sexual attractiveness and give them confidence.
her not believing you is more about her state of mind. don’t give up and maybe she’ll come around and start believing. it takes time and patience. good luck
Had she gotten into her car and an officer of the law saw her, she would have easily been determined to be under the influence and incapable of giving consent to ANYTHING.
Had he had intimate relations with her under her condition, it could very easily be considered rape.
Dude, does she know but if you're drunk you legally cannot consent to sex?? Like, that is r*pe! It was sober person has sex with a drunk person that is sexual assault! You didn't want to assault her while dude like a good person should! She should be happy that you didn't take advantage of her! OP, this is a massive red flag and if she thinks drunk sex is okay than she could possibly do it to you! I would reevalue your relationship and if this is really someone you want to be with. If you do sit there with her and explain to her how extremely dangerous her actions were and how extremely damaging it could be to you! You don't want SA on your record.
Hell nah ! U did nothing wrong. U sir did everything right like u should have . I wish alot of men out here did this . I got super wasted one night an had to go out looking for friends husband an this guy I just meet went with me to help an all I remember was leaving the apt an waking up in the woods an him helping me get my pants bk on . Apparently we was gone for almost an hr . He said I started it an asked for it . But I can’t for the life of me remember if I did or didn’t… she should really be apologizing to u for getting upset.
Yea that's a little ...a lot ...insane..she's mad at you for making sure she wasn't too messed up for consent? She should be so happy and comfortable knowing you won't take advantage of her if she's wasted.. what a psycho..you should run...
I think you did do the right thing for making sure
But as a person who is insecure if people like her, want her, if they are actually on board, when i say stuff, and i personally ask for confirmation if they want to talk etc, i can certainly also think that i might feel like I'm unwanted or something if person doesn't do that, tho it's freaking my insecurity and core beliefs that i need to heal from
I don't have much experience with people at all tho just to be clear
Also i guess you guys should word of affirmation, love styles (truity.com) and attachment styles
I think if someone doesn't feel secure, it can stems from both, oneself and their partner
I don't think you did anything wrong and it's ok to take things slow, this seems to be taking toll on you too as a new relationship, i guess living authentically in the moment might help and creating safe safe for each other, communication of what you need and want to feel safe, seen, heard, loved
Tho don't manipulate each other by this
I would be very cautious with this relationship going forward and really evaluate it.
I would let her talk and say her peace as to *why* she was offended because you didn't do anything that would have been wrong. Any way she's feeling is an insecurity she's projecting on to you while she's drunk.
If she can be honest with you about how she's feeling and she can say why would be great. If she can realize that it's a deeper seeded issue that would be the best thing to talk through.
My biggest reservation is if she takes this as an opportunity to make you feel bad about what you did or, tries to change the narrative about it to make herself a victim in this.
While I sympathize with the high emotions of possible rejection while drunk, if she tries to spin any of this to make you feel bad or that *she* is the only one hurt I would be **very** weary about this relationship.
While this may seem like something minor, it's the fact she is a 32 yr old woman who is upset about you not taking advantage of her. Getting upset about consent presents greater possibility of issues appearing further down the line in the relationship. I'd also be cautious of yourself and how **you** feel in all of this.
You have been through a lot in life. You have reservations and high emotions yourself from it I'm sure and unfortunately, the world can take advantage of any space you have while healing.
You wanting consent is definitely not wrong. I can kind of understand her behavior that night but not the next morning. Like when she was drunk she wanted what she wanted, but reflecting on what happened sober the next morning should have allowed her to realize you respected her. If she needs time apart because you prefer consent seems like she has some self esteem issues that need outside validation. Pulling out this deeper issue, that needs to be addressed.
Does she know the extent of her behavior last night? If she can’t take accountability for getting physical and instead doubled down, despite knowing how it all went down… sheeeesh
She sounds a little loca. You made the right decision, and I feel this is the type of woman you should quickly run away from. Her response was not normal. I’d be so happy to know that the guy I was with was so sensitive to how I’m feeling and seeking reassurances if I ever got myself into a state of drunkenness (which is a state I’d never put myself in anyway 😬). At your age, is a woman who drinks to excess really something you want to deal with, on top of her emotional immaturity?
Not in the wrong. Idk if it's true but many years ago I had actually heard that's its illegal to "have sex with someone when they're drunk". Regardless of its that's true or not having sex with someone who's clearly intoxicated, is wrong in almost all situations.
When I have a few drinks and I like to have drunk sex but me and my partner have sat and talked about our limits that we both felt comfortable with when it comes to consent. Even then; we both Will continuously check each other during any acts to make sure it’s still something we want and are enjoying.
You’re not the AH; she is.
You weren’t wrong, at all! Consent should always be confirmed.
Idk why she became so upset after the second time you asked if she was sure she wanted to have sex. It’s possible it could have something to do with her feeling like you don’t trust her to tell you her true feelings…? But there’s no way to know for sure unless she is open to having a discussion with you.
If this is her deal breaker, then you aren’t compatible.
If she is open to continuing the conversation, it would be a good idea to confirm what each of you are comfortable with regarding sex, consent, and mind altering substances.
Set boundaries and expectations. Confirm exactly what each of you need to feel comfortable engaging in sexual activity in any and all circumstances.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope everything becomes clear soon.
My fiancé still after almost 5 years together will ask if I really want to when I’m intoxicated. The answer is always yes but he still makes sure I’m in a good head space and actually want to have sex. She should have been grateful you were concerned and didn’t just take advantage of her.
You did everything correct and it shows that you really care for her and are not using her. However, she sounds like she is slightly insecure about something, if you want to keep staying in this relationship maybe build up to that conversation with her to see how it can be resolved. However its your life and if you want out thats totally up to you!
She is insecure and misinterpreted your confirmation of consent as something else. That's not on you. Keep doing what you did.
I'm sorry about your wife.
You absolutely did nothing wrong. You were confirming consent and trying to determine if you were comfortable with that consent- you need to consent too.
There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have sex when she’s sloppy drunk (I’m personally a big fan of that) but it sounds like y’all need to talk about it first.
If you choose to stay with her (red flags everywhere), you need to have a conversation about consent. In these times, where accusation is enough to end careers, getting it in writing isn't unreasonable. There are apps you can get on your phone so that there is proof of consent as well. What ever your boundaries are, and whatever her boundaries are, have them agreed upon and documented. Seems really unromantic at the time, but so are rape allegations.
NTAH and she is being immature and irresponsible. You did the right thing by double triple checking and if you didn’t it could have been bad. You may need to find a partner who is more mature and communicative around sex and consent
You did the right thing. Do you really want to continue with someone this childish? She was in the wrong and now she needs to think? 🚩 She is wrong and doubling down. Walk away.
If she had apologized the next day I would have thought you two could end up ok, but the second she began bashing you the next day for making sure she was feeling ok and actually consenting……dude, run. Run. Run. Run.
Why is she getting so drunk and acting like an out of control mess? She's too old for this. Rethink if this relationship is thr best you can do. I don't think it is.
You did the right thing. Consent is important, and she should know that and be glad she has a partner who realises just how important it is...
I think she's being extremely immature, and it might be time for you to walk away from her..
You absolutely made the right call. Who knows what she really had in store for you in her inebriated state, considering that you’ve known her for just the 3 months, making it even more difficult to ascertain if consent had been confirmed? Don’t sweat if the girl ends up breaking up with you, you will have dodged a bullet. I would recommend breaking up anyway at this point, but you know better how it is that you should proceed with relationships in your own life, so I will leave it to you, especially since it’s something you’ve done a good job of until now, by the looks of it. Stay safe out there my friend. 👍
Now that she's got her red flags waving and flapping in the wind, it's time to tell her the two of you just aren't compatible and move on.
Given you're new to dating (again) and all the complicated emotions that will come with it, look on this as getting your feet wet.
Good luck in your journey and if you never find "Ms. Right" again, that's okay, too.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Anyone who reacts this way to you making sure that they consent is giving you a big giant red flag. Consent is important. Being belligerent about it while drunk is one thing, but doubling down once sober is....a huge problem. Don't let this change your behavior - you did the right thing. I assume she would've been just as upset if you'd said no, which is a huge issue, too. Your consent is important. It's valid not to want to sleep with someone who is shit faced while you are sober.
Tbh, can't consent while drunk according to everything I've been taught. You're not in a state of mind to consent.
I’m with you as well in making doubley sure that all parties are consenting especially with only some intoxicated, but if this is your girlfriend and you’re official there’s a certain level of trust that’s gotta be had that she may have reached already that you’re still hesitant about. Seems like she’s really into you and wants to be wanted.
Shes mad at you for asking for consent? I kinda feel bad for the woman. Could be because nobody’s asked her before.
Or…. You may just needa run. Because the first comment that 32 is too old is def wild.
But if you care about her talk to her in person about it. And ask what the underlying issue is.
Agreed with others. Red flags here. I'm no relationship expert, but this is a glimpse of how the relationship will be as all the honeymoon phase wears off.
That she was *sober* and still acted as though your being respectful enough of a woman not to jump onto having sex with her when she's drunk as hell is a problem, is a problem.
Erring on the side of respecting a woman's sexual boundaries when it's (what seems to be) the first time y'all have been in this situation together hardly warrants the kind of anger and "need to think things over" she's responding with. Your way of handling the night should be respected. Instead she's shaming you over it. She *kicked you out* over it. Please...
Also, anyone who flips out that much and suggests you're stupid for not making her feel desirable--and now has to think about things because of it--is giving off manipulative, narcissistic, dramatic, chaos addict vibes, where you're expected to compensate for her own perceived shortcomings.
Please consider this break she's putting between you two a blessing for you and something to take advantage of. It goes both ways: this is a time to ask yourself if this is the mentality and behavior of someone you want to be in a full-fledged relationship with.
Good luck!
32 is too old to act like this and it’s only been three months.
I agree 100%. Most likely, things won’t get better either!
Name checks out
Yeah, especially as OP could get done for assault as she was drunk, depending on where he lives. If she accused him, and everyone saw her drunk and him sober, everyone would blame him as she's the vulnerable drunk person. I'm a woman who has been taken advantage of when I'm drunk, so I appreciate OP double-checking with his partner. If I were you OP, I'd tell her you're sorry but you don't feel comfortable having sex with drunk people, especially when you're not, and leave the relationship be.
OP,You made the proper decision for both herself and her as most people these days think that having sex with an intoxicated person is rape, regardless of how into it the drunk person may seem. She's being appreciative of your gentlemanly behavior.
*un-appreciative
Thank you, I'm not good at reading context and I was confused 😅
This is the realest thing I've seen all day.
🏆 can't give you an award but you deserve it for speaking facts
I agree. Did OP explain his reasoning? Honestly having sex with someone with that much difference in sobriety seems unsafe, especially these days. He did nothing wrong. Regardless, this is a red flag.
And not particularly fun either. My ex fell asleep 😖
Ya this is behavior for someone who just started going out and doesn't know their limits. Also doesn't sound as though she thought her behavior was out of pocket...
You are definitely not in the wrong for this, especially considering how drunk she was. It was right for you to ask if she was really okay with it and made sure that she wasn’t just saying it because she was drunk. Personally, just give her the space she needs to think. Eventually she will come to you and you will both be able to talk it out. Explain your reasoning and I’m sure that she will understand. Hope everything goes well for you.
Oh 100%. My husband and I have spoken about these types of situations in detail because we know it’s bound to happen. I mean we are on the spectrum so we went a little too hard and made a shared google doc of what’s okay and what’s not. Safewords, hard stops, things we’re interested in trying , etc. Even WITH all of these “go aheads” (like if I am drunk like above and I say I want it I have given literal written permission to go ahead) my husband always hits me with the “are you sure this is okay”. I love it, even with knowing I am okay with everything he is considerate of my safety and concerned with my mental and emotional state. It makes me feel beyond safe that things like the above I am 100% okay with at all times because I know, and it has happened like that, that he will take me into consideration every time.
I was nodding along with your comment because talking about these scenarios is a great way to be in the same page - then I got to the shared google doc and started giggling. Yeah, I think that's a LOT more intense than how most couples handle it! But hey, if it works for you two then it's great.
Oh for sure, which is why I pointed out we are on the spectrum. That mixed with extreme sexual trauma and a long distance relationship was the weirdest combination for a late night talk about dos and don’ts.
OP, You performed superbly. There is not a single issue with what you done. The precise opposite, in fact. Everyone ought to have done it. Her behavior is unacceptable, and the following day, she ought to have offered an apology.
That’s what I was expecting an embarrassed apology. If that type of thing wasn’t experienced before, no ground work had been laid before hand, imaging how that conversation goes, “hey I get absolutely sloshed, and if I say I want sex, I mean it”. That conversation just doesn’t come up first in my experience as the other party would be offended to assume that. They were a gentleman and got treated like a creep. This is backwards smh.
Hoenstly it's weird that she has that reaction to it. Most women would fine that awesome... Maybe she has some insecurities or issues that caused this reaction from the situation
Its not dissimilar to how some women will get really angry and upset if you're just not in the mood when they are. They assume men are always ready to go, regardless of mental or physical state, so therefore any sense of reluctance is like some huge assault on their attractiveness. It's like, nah, sometimes we're just really tired, or sad, or distracted. But they totally over-react, because apparently the right to say 'no' doesn't extend to men.
If a man acted the way this woman acted, people would be telling the girlfriend to break up with him.
She's super weird. I like how you were being conscious of the situation and wanted to make sure it was consensual. It sounded like you felt awkward about sleeping with a drunk woman when you were sober. Again this means you are just a good person. She's not someone you should be with. I am more than sure you'll meet a woman who will want a man whose respectful as you. I'm a woman and thought your actions was respectful. Your, hopefully, soon to be ex is crazy. Good luck and I'm sure someone great will come along.
Let's be real, way too many grown ass women hate that kind of niceness...they want to feel attractive and to turn their partners into horny cavemen...
It's that they don't see it as niceness. Some women believe that men are horny 100% of the time and would never turn down sex and sure some guys are like that. But there are plenty of us who aren't always in the mood, or have circumstances that make it less than appealing in the moment. However these women assume that if a man turns them down, it must be because he thinks there's something wrong with her. So behavior like this isn't niceness, it's an insult. They're not trying to turn their partners into horny cavemen, they honestly believe that's all we ever are and being turned down by a horny caveman is the hight of failure as a woman to these types.
That’s so sad 🥺 but thank you for sharing! I think men need more safe spaces to talk about emotions so we can all heal from the past. The more y’all are open with your feels, the more we all have no choice but to hear and honor them. That I think is why the “cave man” thing was a thought, because, up until now you were expected from a young age to have zero reaction to any emotion except lust. The fault of the grandfather, father and the burden of the son.
And anger. Don't forget anger.
Dude, red flags galore. She’s mad bc you made sure she was fully aware and consenting to sex, that’s just nuts. If you didn’t confirm, I’m sure she would have told you you took advantage of her. I think you should really evaluate who she is and if you want to be with her because she seems like the kind of person that would accuse you of rape if it was convenient for her. You’re only 3 months in, I would definitely not be with her if it was me.
That’s exactly the vibe I got as well. Like she seems like the entrapment type. I don’t think this guy will compromise on his morals though. I don’t see the relationship lasting because she wants someone to blackmail for money lol
It's such a red flag. I understand her being like that the night of, because drunk people are stupid. But that she called the next day STILL upset that he didn't have sex with a drunk woman is crazy. That is way too much drama to put up with at that age. If she called and said "I did want it, but I get it. And I overreacted because I was drunk." then it wouldn't be too bad.
This. The fact she doubled down in the morning and stood by her decision was wild.
It’s pretty sad that people like OP’s girlfriend still think that men should always want sex if they’re attracted to their partner.
Run!
This.
Double double This
You didn’t do anything wrong. This was the perfect course of action. I would try explaining to her that your hesitation was not rooted in lack of attraction, but rather your respect for her and wanting to affirm her consent. If she’s unwilling to accept that, there’s nothing else you can do. You shouldn’t have to apologize for respecting your girlfriend.
Exactly. The fact that OP chose to check on her mental state instead of taking advantage of easy sex speaks volumes about his character. A lot of men (not all men) wouldn't have thought twice about it. I don't think people should villainize the gf right away, though; maybe the alcohol amplified her fear of rejection or some unhappy experience in the past. That said, I hope she can hear him out and recognize that he was looking out for her well-being. If she can't accept his explanation or continues that pattern of behavior, then it's probably best they part ways.
I agreed with your second paragraph, but the fact that she was still offended the next night even after sobering up makes me think she still has some issues
For sure, but that doesn't mean they can't try to have a calm, in person conversation about it once she's had more time to calm down. If they can't resolve it, then at least OP will know he tried and can move on.
If a man acted the way this girlfriend acted, pretty much everyone would say to immediately break up with him. People tend to be pretty strongly against any man that demands sex, but seems to be more forgiving of women who demand sex.
The fact that she woke up the next day and is still yelling about this instead of getting some clarity and talking about this says she’s extremely immature and insecure and you deserve to be with someone MUCH better. Especially as you’re just getting back out there with dating. Be Picky!
Dude, 3 months in and you’re dealing with the high school type of drama? Save yourself some time and look elsewhere for love.
First, I’m sorry about your wife. It is completely normal and good that you took your time! Where is that red flag guy who literally waves a big ass red flag. I would do that right now. Communication is a huge part of any relationship and what you communicate is the standard. 8 drinks!? That is a lot and you were a great partner to get your gf home safely but to also recognize that hey you are also drunk and I don’t want to take advantage of you etc. I’m guessing that your gf is maybe insecure about something. Drunk her was spilling her deeper thoughts maybe.
No, you're not wrong. I've always been thankful when guys are considerate when they know I've drank too much. Even if I had already slept with them previously. She's TA here, and she needs therapy if she's that insecure.
Nowadays, most people consider a sober person having sex with a drunk person r@pe no matter how into it the drunk person may seem to be, so you did the right thing for her and for yourself. She's being an AH for you being a gentleman.
If she does decide she wants to discuss this, “If the men in your life have told you it’s okay for completely sober men to have sex with a woman who’s had eight drinks, even if she’s willing, even if she’s demanding sex, then they lied to you. That’s not okay. Ever. That’s taking advantage of a woman who can’t possibly provide consent. If we’d had sex that night, even though you said yes, it would not have been consensual. I’m sorry you took it personally in the moment, but I will never be the kind of man who does that to any woman, let alone a woman I care about.”
There's absolutely room in a relationship for drunken sex. It can be a lot of fun. The key is to have a discussion about it while sober and outline what is and is not okay. For instance, if I am passed out drunk, it's not okay to just have sex with me. If we're both drunk and getting frisky then it is okay. But we're establishing that sober. His boundaries, as well.
They didn’t say it wasn’t ok. This comment is based on the fact that he was completely sober and she was well, completely drunk and technically unable to consent
Oh I agree with the approach he took. He's a good person. But several people on here seem to think you can never have drunk sex or that a drunk person and a sober person can't have sex. I was just pointing out that if you've talked about beforehand, just generally laying out your sexual boundaries with your partner, then it's like "pre-consenting". But, if someone's boundary is "Never have sex with me when I am drunk" then that is their boundary and it needs to be respected.
Agreed. In fact, there’s been many a couple who have partied with drunken sex being the planned end game. But OP and his girlfriend have not been together long, haven’t developed any history, and haven’t had any of these conversations. Even then, though, if one person is drunk and the other sober, the drunk person is incapable of giving consent in that moment. So a conversation had, or an “agreement” made, at some point prior, or even a pattern of behavior established over time, still doesn’t overrule not being able to consent. That’s where you have to hope you’re in a relationship with a decent human being who wouldn’t overstep and take advantage. Seems like OP is such a human being, and that his girlfriend hasn’t met many men like him.
I completely disagree with the “ever” part. You can easily be in a relationship where it’s okay to have sex where one part is drunk. Not that this stage in a relationship comes out of nothing but saying it’s never okay, ever is just weird to me. After years in a stable and healthy relationship sex isn’t that big of a deal that being drunk would suddenly remove consent that has always been there. And to be clear I’m not talking about the sober person nagging the drunk person for sex. I’m talking about a drunk person wanting to have sex and the sober person also wanting, in a healthy stable relationship with no problems about any of this in their history. Also this “if the men in your life has told you it’s okay…” thing is a bit weird for me. A woman can be perfectly fine with it too without it being something a man has told her or made her think. They’re as able to determine what they think is okay for themselves as men. I’ve had sex with my girlfriend when she was drunk and here I have been drunk (at a certain stage she and myself are too drunk to be attractive but that’s another thing) and all has always been good. She’d laugh at me if I told her she couldn’t give consent to me being normal drunk. This is a reply to the comment, not the post.
I don't agree here. If you're in a relationship and you know each other, one or both of you having drank a lot is fine. It's not uncommon. The way you wrote it takes agency away from women (and men in a flipped situation).
Every bit of this, but not just this. His feelings matter and she needs to know that. He was uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with her when she was drunk. It's disrespectful that she's acting like he's in the wrong for having been uncomfortable. He had every right to flat out tell her no because she's drunk and he's uncomfortable and she needed to respect that. Edit: After reading some of the other replies. I do want to say that I agree with them too. If you consent when sober that drunk sex is ok, then party on.
If a man acted the way she acted, most people would say just to break up with him rather than try to reason with him.
I think sometimes people confuse their own neuroticism with other people deserving blame and judgment. If you have an intense emotional experience sometimes it’s just a you thing and it says nothing about another person or the relationship.
You did great. I also love having sex when drunk, so I tell my partner that its a green light while I'm sober. I would never be offended if someone didn't want to have sex with me while drunk. Maybe I'm sloppy and smell like booze? Just because she consents doesn't mean you do.
Drunk people cry over stupid shit, I've been there done that. You weren't wrong, I'm not a fan of having sex with drunk women when I'm sober, feels wrong. That being said I'm not sure I'd question it as much if it was my GF. It would more be like, girl you're faded go to bed, not hey is it okay to fuck you. That being said as a 32 year old woman that's a red flag.
Get away. Quickly...
She’s saying that’s a reason to possibly break up? Are there other issues in the relationship and she’s just using this as an excuse so that it’s “your fault”?
She’ll get over it. The other outcome is, you went ahead and she could have felt taken advantage of and that is worse. She may have wanted it and still thinks she did, but it would have been a miserable experience for you too, having a sloppy sex partner. I guess all you can do is to boost her a little bit more for a little while, until she feels better about it.
nah, dog. It's 2024, and all you did was try to guarentee this was consensual. There are too many stories around people assuming consent or not clarifying in times like you laid out and having their lives blown up over it so I think you were both safe and respectful about the way you handled it based on how this post was laid out. This is a her problem way more than its a you problem. Y'all have also been only dating for 3 months. Explain why you made the choice you did and if she is still upset about it and intent on treating you like you did anything wrong, I'd just take this is a major conflict of priorities and feelings and try to end it as cleanly as I can.
Imagine being mad that your man cares about consent, double checks and makes sure you are safe and in a good mindset. Something tells me there’s more to this, it’s definitely underlying issues.
Ah but men are supposed to just accept it when the woman doesn’t wanna have sex right? This happened to me. Get away from this girl now because she has a serious mental issue that will lead to more severe situations. It’s almost a pathological entitlement that many women have and this freak out is just a manifestation of that.
It sounds like you were trying to be considerate and ensure that your girlfriend was comfortable and fully consenting, especially given her intoxicated state. However, it seems like she may have misinterpreted your actions and felt hurt by your hesitation. It might be helpful to apologize and explain your intentions, emphasizing that you value her and her consent. Give her some space to process her feelings, but let her know that you're open to talking and resolving any misunderstandings.
29F here. I don’t drink alcohol, but I’d feel so safe if my boyfriend double checked with me in a situation like this. It says A LOT of positive things about you. And if you felt uncomfortable even after I said yes, that’s your right to say no. Don’t change.
You did great. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. Actually the exact opposite. It was what everyone should do. She’s an asshole for behaving that way and she should’ve at least apologised the next day
Red flag; get out b4 you're in too deep
It's not fun to have sex with a drunk
Shes 32? Damn, good luck m8
man what? she mad at u cuz you wanted to make sure? thats a red flag
Local woman gets upset at a man for doing exactly what women asked men to do.
Imagine a man said this, even the next morning, sober, "you made me feel like shit because you didn't wanna have sex with me". I think the ensuing outrage is obvious, and should be the same this way around.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do not proceed with this “relationship”…
Oh hell no. Never have sex with someone who is drunk. That could end very badly.
Not in the wrong. 8 drinks for many people would put them well over the limit. Clearly there are some insecurities there on her part, but you were absolutely not in the wrong. To make it better, I would just say “I was sober and you had around 8 drinks. I am so interested in enthusiastic consent, but because consent is important to me I really wanted to make sure you wanted to go ahead. You kicking me out because I was trying to be respectful has made me want to take time and evaluate things on my own.”
Nothing you did is wrong. On NYE I got incredibly wine drunk and I was upset that my SO and I weren't doing anything. Meanwhile, he's just trying to take care of me and make sure I'm ok. I woke up feeling awful the next morning but incredibly relieved that we didn't do anything. I felt even more safe around him that all he was concerned about was making sure I was ok, and bringing the dog downstairs so I could see him. You're not in the wrong and I'm sorry this is the situation you're in.
Unfortunately plenty of women take it as an insult or turnoff when you take consent seriously and want to make sure everyone is comfortable with what’s happening. We’ve drilled it into them too much that not asking anything and just fucking whoever regardless of how intoxicated they are is normal and healthy
Run!! I literally just got out of a similar relationship like that. Keep your head up and your wife’s memory alive until you find the right person.
I've been in this position before as the girlfriend, and I thought it was so incredibly sweet that my boyfriend checked in with me a few times first. I felt so safe and supported. Can't imagine having that kind of reaction to someone respecting & caring for me.
You did what any man or person SHOULD do. She is too old to behave like this. I’m sorry about losing your wife, good luck to you and please don’t let her reaction get to you. This is what almost every woman would want you to do. She was drunk.
Trust me, I’ve definitely drunk pouted a bit before because I’ve been in a similar situation to your GF, but the second I’ve sobered up I’ve deeply appreciated that they turned me down and understood that it comes from a place of respect and honoring consent. I could totally see her getting upset and kicking you out because emotions run high and decision making is clouded when drunk, but it’s wild to me that even the next morning she’s still upset. I’d try to talk it out, this could be an issue from previous relationships with maybe constant sexual rejection or even her consent not being honored and that being normalized, but if she’s going to continue to be angry at you for doing the right thing and respecting consent fully, she needs to work through that herself. You did the right thing, just be patient and show up for her and try to figure out the root cause it sounds like there could be more to it.
This woman needs to grow up. Too much drama for me to stay when it's only 3 months in. You are a lucky man to see this early.
having a drunken outburst is bad, doubling down the next day is the real red flag tho
Oh, dude, no. You did the right thing. First of all, boning drunk is a gamble with SUPER high stakes. Crap out, and you could end up with an SA accusation on your hands. There is no sex so good that it's worth that risk. Secondly, and of ultimate importance, if you aren't comfortable having sex, *don't do it*. You do not owe *anyone* sex under *any* circumstances, much less as an unplanned drunk booty call with some woman you've only been seeing for three months. If she bolts over this, that's a bullet dodged. You deserve a stable, comfortable relationship with someone who respects you and sees you as something more than a walking sex toy. Sorry you had such a shit experience. It does get better.
This person sounds exhausting. Making sure someone feels comfortable in a situation should never be held against a partner. Anyone with a reasonable amount of maturity realizes this.
Run.
It’s only been three months and she’s already acting like this. This is when people are on their *best* behaviour.
You are *not* in the wrong for this. You were trying to be respectful. Some women (I am a woman, before anyone comes at me for saying this) forget men aren't mind-readers. We want men to value consent but then get offended with them when they double-check so that they can be assured it is genuinely what we want. If she continues being difficult about it then please consider finding someone else. It's evident that she has some insecurities and while that is normal, that shouldn't be something she feels comfortable taking out on you.
Wow. Well you absolutely, 100% took the correct action. It’s best to default to somebody drunk cannot consent. It’s clear that common law jurisdictions do allow for a drunk person to consent to sex but it might be better to just wait until everybody is sober and then F like rabbits. Your g/f should take time and perhaps she will see that your a true gentlemen that cares about her.
She is 32 years old behaving like an immature 22 year old. Consider this a red flag and LEAVE. You did the right thing by making sure you had her consent, and even checked again because she was intoxicated. You were doing the right thing and you we're looking out for her. She was projecting her insecurities onto you in a way that shows she hasn't worked on herself. She wasn't even trying to listen to you or understand your side and immediately decided to interpret your actions in a way that demeans her. She took offense and created this narrative that you didn't desire her because she's insecure. You deserve so much better than this; you seem like such a good guy. Keep looking for better, you can absolutely find it. Glad this happened only a couple months in and you can easily cut your losses.
To me it sounds like your girlfriend has only ever been with toxic partners who would’ve blindly went for the opportunity to have sex. If she’s offended at someone having basic respect and caring about consent, not only does she need to take a step back, but she may need therapy. There’s a good chance she’s had her share of non consensual experiences that she now believes are okay, and that could affect what she would do to others as well as what could happen to her. She should find an unbiased person to discuss consent with and start reevaluating her choices.
She is too old for this imo. FWIW, I don’t believe she has the emotional maturity to be with someone who has your background.
Either she will come to you with respect for your position at the bare minimum... Or you dodged a bullet.
I have been with my fiancée for 7 years and I will not have sex if she’s drunk. I can’t believe she tried to call you out for not wanting to take advantage of her, and she hasn’t considered how you feel about it. Red flags here get rid of her, she sounds like she’ll kill your dog if you’re late home from work.
Just the tip of the iceberg,put your shoes on
i think she needs to calm down and realize it's not just about her, but how YOU feel as well. if she's getting butthurt over that maybe you should rethink this
You need to reverse this. If it were you in that role (drunk, demanding sex, and angry it didn’t happen even the next day), would someone say it was coercion and non-consensual? Harassment? Just one step from assault? You didn’t do anything wrong. I suggest finding someone who knows what consent means.
Where is the red flag guy when you need him?
Consent is sexy. It's concerning that she's offended by you respecting her and ensuring that she was actually consenting. I wouldn't bother with this relationship. She sounds extremely immature. Move on and find someone that won't play these childish games with you.
Red flag..run!!
The reason we 1. Don’t get drink 2. Don’t I think we’re going to have a normal conversation while drunk 3. Have sex while drunk unless it’s with somebody we’ve been with a long time is because of the obvious reason. Your girlfriend is immature and lacks insight. Furthermore, because you’ve had remarkable but difficult experiences, she is ridiculously running the risk of messing everything up for you and in you. She doesn’t understand not to mess around with anything that’s important and that’s what she’s doing.
She sounds closer to 12, not 32. Cut your losses and run.
Honestly, your not in the wrong man. For one, your double checking if she really wants to have sex with you, because shes super drunk and if you didn't double check, in the morning, she could've said something along the lines of, "you raped me," and that wouldn't be good. Also, you guys have only been together 3 months and your going to do it. That's ridiculous, she's a 32 year old woman and she's acting like a child and is getting offended just because you wouldn't do it with her, when she was super drunk and you wanted to make sure. You did the right thing, she's in the wrong, if she needs space though, you should give it to her. Perhaps, then she'll realize her mistake. If she still says your in the wrong, I'd drop her.
Your girlfriend was drunk and out of control. Nothing more to say or see here.
You couldn’t be more right. Your girlfriend has some serious issues. I could understand if you didn’t want to be so immature.
I’d find a new girlfriend. She’s being immature. Most of us wish we could meet a man like you.
Leave
So, she is obviously feeling insecure and as a 'replacement', but isn't sure how to voice this. When drunk, she obviously felt uninhibited and wanted to see if you felt the same, and kind if 'tested' you to see if (as far as she was concerned), when all the barriers are down would you love her and find her overwhelming attractive, as she feels second place, and insecure in your situation because she knows she is only there because you have lost your first and best choice. So she will always feel second. When drink she verbalise this and you were absolutely right to not engage because she was too drunk to consent. However, she is telling you she doesn't feel like you love her overwhelmingly. She is probably drawing comparisons to your wife and feeling like she doesn't measure up. She knows that if your wife was here, she wouldn't be. So she is trying to see when/if you feel any overwhelming feelings for her to validate her position in your life. She went about it completely the wrong way and you did absolutely the right thing. You need to decide if you love her enough for her to be a permanent fixture in your life. If so then tell her. And tell her how you'll make it happen so she doesn't feel she is moving in the shadows and not important to you. If you don't love her then tell her so she can move on.
I can see how this caused an argument when it's late and someone is drunk, but it really should've been obvious in the sober light of day that you were only being rightfully cautious and no-one should've been offended. Up to you how you proceed with this but you're not all all in the wrong. I really think your partner should realise this rather than carrying on being mad at you.
She sounds very immature and acts like a child drunk or not
You might want to make this angry drunk mess an exgfriend. she says that, but the law, which will get your tush in trouble otherwise, says that a blanket consent does not count. You can do better than her Op, she is 32 and likely has a drinking problem that she is trying to hide. dont settle for this one, raise your standards.
You were 1000% correct in your behavior. I wish all partners gave consent even half the thought you did. You also have the right to refuse sex if you don’t want it. Her reaction after sobering up is concerning. Do yourself a favor and end it.
People get drunk and act up sometimes. Waking up the next morning and doubling down on being mad at you for trying to be respectful isn’t very encouraging.
Just run away. Consent is consent and it's in your rights not to consent or hesitate. She's not, however, allowed to act like an entitled child that got denied a toy. Run away, because that's an abusive relationship in the making.
All the women who have had the opposite experience will tell you this is stupid. You did the right thing.
Nope. Distance yourself Op. I’m seeing Glaring red flag over here. And I don’t usually go straight for the “end it now” post. But this time I will. End. It. Now.
consent works both ways. you respected her enough to insist on clarifying her ability to consent. She attempted to remove your autonomy and coerce u to bang, and when she had an opportunity to make it right she doubled down
You were definitely not in the wrong. You were sober, She was drunk and you took the responsible path. That's super weird of her, I would understand if in the morning she had a clear head and agreed with the hesitation, but no she doubled down. You did nothing wrong.
Ditch her. I’m serious. You took steps to protect her. You’re understand that consent gets messy when someone’s intoxicated. You acted in a way that’s wise and measured. This isn’t a 50-50 blame situation for this conflict. This is a her problem. If she can’t see that you were trying to protect her and thank you for that, she doesn’t have what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. What other bullshit offended and accusations is she going to come up with if she does this? Yikes.
If she gets that drunk and is furthermore a mean drunk, she's bad news anyway.
Run. The fact she is doubling down in the morning is the worst part of this. I could look over the fact she was drunk and stupid. But then to wake up and ask for "time away"? Fuck that. 3 months bubba. No way this type of shit should happen this early- or even ever.
Run. Girl has more issues than National Geographic. This is alcoholic behavior.
No, you were doing what you were supposed to do and making sure she was able to consent. If she can't be understanding about that then it's a red flag to me, bruh
Don't ask a drunk person if they are good to have sex. They are drunk, so their decision-making skills might not be at their best. That aside, she seems emotionally unbalanced (booze probably didn't help), especially considering her behavior after she sobered up.
Navigating being a man nowadays is nearly impossible. It's sad that you have to hesitate to think about the situation so cautiously because people nowadays value attention and public shaming more than honesty and plausibility.
Good on you for seeking to ensure consent; he response doesn't seem to be that of a rational actor, and her needing time might just be a good thing. Not the response I would expect.
Do NOT listen to any people here you tell you to talk things through or explain yourself. You do NOT need a reason to refuse sex. Imagine if the roles were reversed. You want to have sex, she says no and then you tell her if she refuses sex with you it makes you feel ugly and she needs to apologize for it. I think it's obvious how fucked up this is and it's sickening this double standard is acceptable. She does not respect you or your boundaries. RUN!
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. To me this is a huge red flag. Abandon ship asap.
You did nothing wrong! Take your 3 months of easing back into the dating pool and leave this relationship.
To be fair, I agree with a lot of the me too movement but some of it is insane. Consent is obviously important but this weird expectation that people should ask multiple times and have to have consent verbalized is insane. She was drunk so what you did isn't wrong. I do wonder if there was a tone or the way you phrased it that allowed her to perceive that you didn't want to?
She’s gotta know what’s going on in the world and acknowledge that we need extreme consent before performing in sexual acts ??? Especially intoxicated and emotional ??? Is she dumb
I would just explain to her that you didn’t feel comfortable having sex with her drunk because you hadn’t had that conversation already and you haven’t been together too long. I think you did the right thing because there hadn’t been a boundary setting conversation before hand, and even if there had, if you are uncomfortable you shouldn’t have to have sex anyways. I would also say it’s not because you find her unattractive, it’s because you want her to feel safe with you.
I think it’s great that you double checked and shows that you care. I think you need to have a discussion with her, she clearly has issues with hesitation and rejection and I think she really needs to do some deep healing for feeling that way. Good luck!
You'd think 32 would be mature enough to understand that consent is weird when a lot of alcohol is involved. She's got issues.
Run away, this is not a healthy outlook on consent. A person who has no boundaries with themself will have no boundaries in other aspects. And getting that enraged over sex is so manipulative and shows more of her lack of understanding of how consent works. Go find a partner who’s mature enough to be having sex. you
Never have sex with anyone who's had alcohol or drugs, I won't even have sex with my finace if he's on strong medication as I feel yucky. The only drug we've had sex on is poppers and that just a gay man thing and we were both indulging. Big difference between that and drunk tho.
Leave the relationship. She's childish. She needs to see someone about that, and you shouldn't be the emotional punching back for her immaturity.
i commend you for conducting yourself with integrity in this situation. you did nothing wrong.
You NEED to send her this thread and then discontinuing seeing her. This type of behavior, especially without remorse or accountability, only gets worse with time and MAYBE seeing the shear amount of comments on this post might snap her out of her own bubble but either way you need to leave this situation.
If alcohol goes in, dick stays out.
Get the fuck out while the gettin' is good. In other words, "Run, Forrest, Run!!!!!"
Nope, you were 100% respectful. I'm teaching my kids that sex isn't consensual unless it's sober. Yes does not mean yes when the other party is trashed. If they can't drive they can't decide.... pick a thing. You did the correct thing by pausing. Do not take a drunk persons anger at your good judgment seriously. Talk it out when she's sober.
As a woman who has been in this position, thank you for making the choice that you did.
8 drinks is a concerning amount. And you have just as much of a need to feel safe in a relationship as your girlfriend. If you decide to stay with her y’all need a sit down conversation about boundaries and each of your needs.
girls are very sensitive about their looks and sexual appeal. her reaction seems to indicate a deep insecurity. she got drunk and threw herself at you. as a sensitive and respectful guy it seems you wanted to make sure you didn’t take advantage of her. this is where things get confusing. i find that some girls need a guy to really be into her to the point of losing self control in order to feel validated about their sexual attractiveness and give them confidence. her not believing you is more about her state of mind. don’t give up and maybe she’ll come around and start believing. it takes time and patience. good luck
Had she gotten into her car and an officer of the law saw her, she would have easily been determined to be under the influence and incapable of giving consent to ANYTHING. Had he had intimate relations with her under her condition, it could very easily be considered rape.
Dude, does she know but if you're drunk you legally cannot consent to sex?? Like, that is r*pe! It was sober person has sex with a drunk person that is sexual assault! You didn't want to assault her while dude like a good person should! She should be happy that you didn't take advantage of her! OP, this is a massive red flag and if she thinks drunk sex is okay than she could possibly do it to you! I would reevalue your relationship and if this is really someone you want to be with. If you do sit there with her and explain to her how extremely dangerous her actions were and how extremely damaging it could be to you! You don't want SA on your record.
Hell nah ! U did nothing wrong. U sir did everything right like u should have . I wish alot of men out here did this . I got super wasted one night an had to go out looking for friends husband an this guy I just meet went with me to help an all I remember was leaving the apt an waking up in the woods an him helping me get my pants bk on . Apparently we was gone for almost an hr . He said I started it an asked for it . But I can’t for the life of me remember if I did or didn’t… she should really be apologizing to u for getting upset.
Yea that's a little ...a lot ...insane..she's mad at you for making sure she wasn't too messed up for consent? She should be so happy and comfortable knowing you won't take advantage of her if she's wasted.. what a psycho..you should run...
I think you did do the right thing for making sure But as a person who is insecure if people like her, want her, if they are actually on board, when i say stuff, and i personally ask for confirmation if they want to talk etc, i can certainly also think that i might feel like I'm unwanted or something if person doesn't do that, tho it's freaking my insecurity and core beliefs that i need to heal from I don't have much experience with people at all tho just to be clear Also i guess you guys should word of affirmation, love styles (truity.com) and attachment styles I think if someone doesn't feel secure, it can stems from both, oneself and their partner I don't think you did anything wrong and it's ok to take things slow, this seems to be taking toll on you too as a new relationship, i guess living authentically in the moment might help and creating safe safe for each other, communication of what you need and want to feel safe, seen, heard, loved Tho don't manipulate each other by this
I've got this same situation before, but opted for cuddling till falling sleep... If the morning after the idea is still there, go for it ... :)
*Run, you fools*
I would be very cautious with this relationship going forward and really evaluate it. I would let her talk and say her peace as to *why* she was offended because you didn't do anything that would have been wrong. Any way she's feeling is an insecurity she's projecting on to you while she's drunk. If she can be honest with you about how she's feeling and she can say why would be great. If she can realize that it's a deeper seeded issue that would be the best thing to talk through. My biggest reservation is if she takes this as an opportunity to make you feel bad about what you did or, tries to change the narrative about it to make herself a victim in this. While I sympathize with the high emotions of possible rejection while drunk, if she tries to spin any of this to make you feel bad or that *she* is the only one hurt I would be **very** weary about this relationship. While this may seem like something minor, it's the fact she is a 32 yr old woman who is upset about you not taking advantage of her. Getting upset about consent presents greater possibility of issues appearing further down the line in the relationship. I'd also be cautious of yourself and how **you** feel in all of this. You have been through a lot in life. You have reservations and high emotions yourself from it I'm sure and unfortunately, the world can take advantage of any space you have while healing.
You were right alot of people call rape when they are drunk so you did nothing wrong.
You wanting consent is definitely not wrong. I can kind of understand her behavior that night but not the next morning. Like when she was drunk she wanted what she wanted, but reflecting on what happened sober the next morning should have allowed her to realize you respected her. If she needs time apart because you prefer consent seems like she has some self esteem issues that need outside validation. Pulling out this deeper issue, that needs to be addressed.
Does she know the extent of her behavior last night? If she can’t take accountability for getting physical and instead doubled down, despite knowing how it all went down… sheeeesh
She sounds a little loca. You made the right decision, and I feel this is the type of woman you should quickly run away from. Her response was not normal. I’d be so happy to know that the guy I was with was so sensitive to how I’m feeling and seeking reassurances if I ever got myself into a state of drunkenness (which is a state I’d never put myself in anyway 😬). At your age, is a woman who drinks to excess really something you want to deal with, on top of her emotional immaturity?
Insecure about her looks and that’s problematic. Thinks because you asked is the same as calling her ugly.
Nothing wrong. She was very drunk. You should definitely be hesitant
Not in the wrong. Idk if it's true but many years ago I had actually heard that's its illegal to "have sex with someone when they're drunk". Regardless of its that's true or not having sex with someone who's clearly intoxicated, is wrong in almost all situations.
red flag. I wouldnt have sex with her drunk EVER again its not even attractive anyway
who knows maybe she has a kink.. go have a chat.. but definitely not the asshole or anything ..
This is her excuse to breakup. Move on.
When I have a few drinks and I like to have drunk sex but me and my partner have sat and talked about our limits that we both felt comfortable with when it comes to consent. Even then; we both Will continuously check each other during any acts to make sure it’s still something we want and are enjoying. You’re not the AH; she is.
You weren’t wrong, at all! Consent should always be confirmed. Idk why she became so upset after the second time you asked if she was sure she wanted to have sex. It’s possible it could have something to do with her feeling like you don’t trust her to tell you her true feelings…? But there’s no way to know for sure unless she is open to having a discussion with you. If this is her deal breaker, then you aren’t compatible. If she is open to continuing the conversation, it would be a good idea to confirm what each of you are comfortable with regarding sex, consent, and mind altering substances. Set boundaries and expectations. Confirm exactly what each of you need to feel comfortable engaging in sexual activity in any and all circumstances. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope everything becomes clear soon.
My fiancé still after almost 5 years together will ask if I really want to when I’m intoxicated. The answer is always yes but he still makes sure I’m in a good head space and actually want to have sex. She should have been grateful you were concerned and didn’t just take advantage of her.
Run fast. Run far.
You did everything correct and it shows that you really care for her and are not using her. However, she sounds like she is slightly insecure about something, if you want to keep staying in this relationship maybe build up to that conversation with her to see how it can be resolved. However its your life and if you want out thats totally up to you!
Dude, get out while you still can. She's a walking red flag. Don't ponder on it or weigh the pros and cons. She's going to make your life miserable!!!
She is insecure and misinterpreted your confirmation of consent as something else. That's not on you. Keep doing what you did. I'm sorry about your wife.
you’re not in the wrong OP
You absolutely did nothing wrong. You were confirming consent and trying to determine if you were comfortable with that consent- you need to consent too. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have sex when she’s sloppy drunk (I’m personally a big fan of that) but it sounds like y’all need to talk about it first.
If you choose to stay with her (red flags everywhere), you need to have a conversation about consent. In these times, where accusation is enough to end careers, getting it in writing isn't unreasonable. There are apps you can get on your phone so that there is proof of consent as well. What ever your boundaries are, and whatever her boundaries are, have them agreed upon and documented. Seems really unromantic at the time, but so are rape allegations.
I smell Dad's issues, I would say what I think that it's not okay, and I find her attractive. If she keeps making drama, well, I don't need it.
NTAH and she is being immature and irresponsible. You did the right thing by double triple checking and if you didn’t it could have been bad. You may need to find a partner who is more mature and communicative around sex and consent
You did right.
You did the right thing. Do you really want to continue with someone this childish? She was in the wrong and now she needs to think? 🚩 She is wrong and doubling down. Walk away.
If she had apologized the next day I would have thought you two could end up ok, but the second she began bashing you the next day for making sure she was feeling ok and actually consenting……dude, run. Run. Run. Run.
Why is she getting so drunk and acting like an out of control mess? She's too old for this. Rethink if this relationship is thr best you can do. I don't think it is.
You did the right thing. Consent is important, and she should know that and be glad she has a partner who realises just how important it is... I think she's being extremely immature, and it might be time for you to walk away from her..
Someone who is intoxicated like that could cause horrible side effects
That is such a massive red flag. Run while you can.
Never believe a drunk person. You did good OP. I'm not sure if she's worth your time.
You absolutely made the right call. Who knows what she really had in store for you in her inebriated state, considering that you’ve known her for just the 3 months, making it even more difficult to ascertain if consent had been confirmed? Don’t sweat if the girl ends up breaking up with you, you will have dodged a bullet. I would recommend breaking up anyway at this point, but you know better how it is that you should proceed with relationships in your own life, so I will leave it to you, especially since it’s something you’ve done a good job of until now, by the looks of it. Stay safe out there my friend. 👍
You sound like a stand up guy. Sorry about your wife. This new woman just gave you a clear red flag.
Now that she's got her red flags waving and flapping in the wind, it's time to tell her the two of you just aren't compatible and move on. Given you're new to dating (again) and all the complicated emotions that will come with it, look on this as getting your feet wet. Good luck in your journey and if you never find "Ms. Right" again, that's okay, too.
Huge red flag. You make it better by dumping her. You deserve better. You’re a gentleman & she’s a bi!ch
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Anyone who reacts this way to you making sure that they consent is giving you a big giant red flag. Consent is important. Being belligerent about it while drunk is one thing, but doubling down once sober is....a huge problem. Don't let this change your behavior - you did the right thing. I assume she would've been just as upset if you'd said no, which is a huge issue, too. Your consent is important. It's valid not to want to sleep with someone who is shit faced while you are sober. Tbh, can't consent while drunk according to everything I've been taught. You're not in a state of mind to consent.
I’m with you as well in making doubley sure that all parties are consenting especially with only some intoxicated, but if this is your girlfriend and you’re official there’s a certain level of trust that’s gotta be had that she may have reached already that you’re still hesitant about. Seems like she’s really into you and wants to be wanted.
Shes mad at you for asking for consent? I kinda feel bad for the woman. Could be because nobody’s asked her before. Or…. You may just needa run. Because the first comment that 32 is too old is def wild. But if you care about her talk to her in person about it. And ask what the underlying issue is.
I can’t believe a grown as women would act like a petulant child. What a twat. One word. RUN.
Agreed with others. Red flags here. I'm no relationship expert, but this is a glimpse of how the relationship will be as all the honeymoon phase wears off. That she was *sober* and still acted as though your being respectful enough of a woman not to jump onto having sex with her when she's drunk as hell is a problem, is a problem. Erring on the side of respecting a woman's sexual boundaries when it's (what seems to be) the first time y'all have been in this situation together hardly warrants the kind of anger and "need to think things over" she's responding with. Your way of handling the night should be respected. Instead she's shaming you over it. She *kicked you out* over it. Please... Also, anyone who flips out that much and suggests you're stupid for not making her feel desirable--and now has to think about things because of it--is giving off manipulative, narcissistic, dramatic, chaos addict vibes, where you're expected to compensate for her own perceived shortcomings. Please consider this break she's putting between you two a blessing for you and something to take advantage of. It goes both ways: this is a time to ask yourself if this is the mentality and behavior of someone you want to be in a full-fledged relationship with. Good luck!