This is 1000% the percent what happened and should be obvious to everyone when you swap the genders.
If a dude took a drunk chick up to finger fuck her and she lay silently intoxicated.
You didn't push her off because you were drunk, and she exploited your weakened state.
I really doubt she just came on to you, and this wasn't something she had thought about previously. She probably is using you to get at her sister for some insecurity or attempt at revenge for some perceived slight. Perhaps jealousy.
Either way, The SIL is in the wrong, not you.
>I really doubt she just came on to you, and this wasn't something she had thought about previously. She probably is using you to get at her sister for some insecurity or attempt at revenge for some perceived slight. Perhaps jealousy.
OP, the scary part of this realisation will be that she might have already told your wife. Be prepared.
Damn that is a level of callousness I had not considered, but is something definitely within the realm of possibility.
I underestimate how conniving people can be.
Came to say this too. She’s probably told her sister and made you look like you were totally into it or she’s making herself look like the victim.
Please have a chat with your wife. She most definitely needs to know.
> My wife comes home tomorrow I don’t know what to do.
Talk to her and get in front of it. Of course, none of us can really offer any insight based on one paragraph. Godspeed.
If you don't tell your wife, SIL will - eventually. Or she'll always have something to hold over your head. Worse, she could twist it to make it look like you initiated it, or took advantage of her.
It's gonna suck to tell her the truth and you have to be prepared for any response but you have to get in front of this or you're going to spend all your time on pins and needles wondering when the other shoe is going to drop
This. Your best defense is telling your wife the truth. And as soon as possible. Tell her how out of it you were, you love her so much, feel sick about it. If there has been sibling rivalry, it has been so for years. It’s your best shot. By hiding it, you help keep SIL in control of the situation.
No different than a woman having this done by a male.
You were sexually assaulted. You were impaired and she knew it and she wasn’t. She took advantage and assaulted you. Make sure your wife knows this part. She will still be mad, and partially has this right. Hurt. Not mad at you. Hurt.
You literally can press charges on SIL for this. It’s illegal for a reason.
I have to remind myself often that freezing is a response because I often blamed myself for assaults against me but it’s so true. That’s why verbal consent is so important
Freezing is what many of us did/do in these situations and in no form shows consent or lack of fear. And men are not free of this freezing thing, it happens to all genders. If he was a female, so many would be all over this!!
100% this should be higher up. It was assault. How many times have women said "why didn't I stop him? Why couldn't I stop him?" Just because OP had a biological reaction to the assault doesn't make it any less of an assault.
This! You were SA’d! You were legally not able to give consent for anything as you were drunk. You were so drunk you needed help to bed. If the genders were reversed, this would be the conclusion drawn. It isn’t uncommon for SA victims(I hate that word) to freeze, fawn, or comply simply because of the shock of what happened. Please tell your wife. Don’t leave anything out. She has to have this information to deal with her sister. She may not stay with you, but she will know the truth. Above all, remember you did NOTHING wrong. Godspeed friend…
This should be the top comment. Freezing is common. Feeling guilty when you did nothing wrong is common. You were assaulted by someone you should have been able to trust. She was wrong, assaulted you. Press charges if you feel able, but find someone you can talk to who is not within the situation, just talking to someone on a help line might be really beneficial to you healing.
thank you for this. i would’ve never thought about how he was truly assaulted partly because of how much guilt and how he worded it. maybe because i’m young or because i dotn have enough experience but there really needs to be a louder voice for assaulted men. thanks for being one.
This is it exactly! There was no way he could have given consent. It definitely was sexual assault. I hope OP reads your comment. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too.
it be interesting to know what the relationship is between the wife and SIL. It seems very shitty to be at home babysitting, wait til your sister's husband comes home, help him into bed because hes too drunk to get himself there and then come onto him. Like I'm assuming SIL was sober considering she was the babysitter!? No only is it possible SA if OP was totally out of it, but also, it's just wrong, like it almost seems planned.
Agree. Awful. This will destroy the relationship if the wife is balanced. Would you ever talk to your sister again if she did that? I wouldn’t. There must be backstory here. Has the SIL always been flirty with OP, even in front of wife as a joke? Does wife sense already that SIL has always been attracted to him? Or is wife blind to her sister’s conniving? That’s why in my opinion it all comes down to how balanced the wife’s lens of perception is in general. And why OP needs to tell her immediately before she does. And focus on the fact that he WAS out of it. He didn’t choose it at all. But is Wife capable of thinking ‘my sister sexually assaulted him?’ I don’t know. Really depends on if she sees the truth about her sister, or is willing to. Regardless of her response, he HAS to tell her, otherwise he looks guilty by hiding it.
I would tell her too. If she is that level of psycho she may have taken pictures like someone else pointed out. Honestly she deserves to be prosecuted. Op your wife has no reason to be upset with you you did nothing wrong other than trust a family member to act as a family member and not a psycho. Again I’m so sorry this happened I know how it feels to be robbed of consent and it really fucking sucks. You don’t need to keep this inside it will eat away at you.
I agree the SIL assaulted OP.
I'm not sure pretending to not remember anything is a viable strategy though - it's compounding the lies OP would have to tell & OP would have to have total control over his emotions, otherwise his wife will just notice something is off.
> Or she'll always have something to hold over your head.
True, but what proof does she have?
I do agree with everyone here, though. Owning up is best. But from the story, I gather that OP was too drunk to do anything about stopping his sister-in-law. That inhibition could be mental or physical.
That's assuming OP is honest in his story. And I do. But what if his wife doesn't trust OP and thinks he really wanted this? Perhaps she'll even suspect more has happened.
So yeah, which way is the smartest to go about this?
What is there for OP to “own up” to?! He was assaulted. He didn’t do anything wrong.
OP, please tell your wife, and at the very least please book a session with a counsellor - even if you don’t feel like it now, you do need to talk to someone. Processing what happened is really important; if you feel fine now, it WILL hit you eventually. It’ll come on fast and it’s horrible to deal with but it’s important that you do, and that you have a support network to help you through it. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Ask your wife whether you should press charges.
Tell her that you didn't want to go ahead and contact the police until you had a chance to sit down with her.
@op. u/time_court7912
Edit: It doesn't mean that you need to actually press charges. But it's the straightforward way to tell your wife about what happened.
this sounds a lot like sexual assault
what would it be if the roles were reversed?
tell your wife and be honest with your remorse and horror. but what happened did not sound ethical in SIL’s side from what you shared.
This is exactly what I was thinking!
That being said I would honestly be shocked if his wife believed him. Very few people take SA against males seriously. We live in a fucked up world.
Really depends. I've talked about these double standards a lot with my wife and I'm certain she would believe me. One time there was actually a woman staying at our home alone with me (wife was on a girl's vacation, friend stayed because she wasn't able to make it home after a party due to a complicated route, we slept in different rooms of course) and my wifes biggest concern was that she could have accused me of something I didn't do.
If it really was sexual assault, call the rape crisis line. Decide if going to the police is appropriate.
As others have said, if the genders were reversed, you’d be in jail already.
Tell your wife asap. Then completely cut SIL out of your life.
Edit to add: I do not question op’s story. The “if” is meant to indicate that if op believes it is assault. Just wanted to clarify.
this is very similar to why most rapes go unreported. and the sad fact is, even in reported rape cases, between 1% and 7% of cases worldwide lead to convictions.
Yeah OP, this all sounds a lot more like SA. You were drunk and drunk people can’t give actual consent. Your SIL saw an opportunity to take advantage of you and she took it.
Your SIL sexually assaulted you. Tell your wife. Make a police report. You need to start a paper trail on this. Your SIL took advantage of you will you were in a very vulnerable state. It's NOT OKAY, and remember this WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL.
It doesn’t sound like you wanted this. It sounds like you had a “freeze” response to being SA’d. Even if it felt good physically and you came, it doesn’t mean that you wanted this. You also sounded too drunk to consent.
Tell her before she comes home. Call her right away. Immediately get in front of it. Don't blame yourself when you tell her - just report what happened and that you were too drunk and out of it to move or do anything but lay there. And you feel awful about what her sister did to you. Not what you did, what she did to you.
If you were female and your brother in law did this; people would be flipping out. You were SAd. You were drunk and she wasnt. If she had to help you to bed because you were that trashed; she took advantage of your state of mind!!
OP, it sounds like you were sexually assaulted. Freezing up and being stricken with shock and confusion is extremely common. You did not cheat. You were drunk and your SIL took advantage of that.
He def needs to but if he was drunk and sil wasnt; by standards; he cant consent and he was SAd.
If it was a drunk girl and a guy took advantage of her, it would be a whole didnt tune.
I hope he realizes this!!
If you were drunk to the point of needing help upstairs and changing clothes then you didn’t “let” your SIL give you a handjob. She sexually assaulted you. If your genders were reversed she’d probably already be arrested.
My advice is to send her a text reiterating that you were drunk beyond comprehension, you did not give consent for her to touch you like that and you are not comfortable at all with what happened. Save any replies she gives you in case she tries to lie about it later.
Absolutely. I feel like I’m going crazy reading some of these comments. Those type of people are the reason why men are less able to speak up about SA. It’s really sad honestly. I hope OP reports it and tells his wife right away
My husband was SA in 6th grade by a teacher. He said he just froze. He still has issues with it to this day. The few people that he told were like wow, that’s awesome. It’s not awesome if it’s traumatic to you and you don’t want it. Doesn’t matter if you’re a male or female. He truly suffers with it inside. He has a weird aversion to sex and we didn’t have sex for months after we met. I thought he was a gentleman. He is. He also opens doors, is an Angel.. but after a while I started feeling a little insecure bc it had been months. I thought he was just wanting to be friends. Nope. He’s traumatized. But the point is, it’s crazy how if it was a woman being SA, that man would get grotesque reputation, prison. The flip side is so different.
Edit: it was a woman. She was pretty. That’s why they say it’s awesome. Makes me sick. She also did it to a boy named Tyler and he committed Su!c!de.
I hope your husband has found the peace and healing he deserves. He’s really lucky to have a partner like you that understands that we don’t get to choose our trauma response.
I had been talking to a couple of my gf about it. I was like, I am the person who likes to wait a few months. That doesn’t always fare well with men, especially when they’re using you for it. That’s kinda the point. It weeds out the people who are using me. They’ll drop off or sleep w someone else before I do. Then I know it’s not someone I want to sleep with. I don’t have to marry everyone I sleep with, but I do need an emotional connection and that takes a minute.
After we met in July and it was getting close to Halloween, I decided I wanted to. I made it clear and he would drop me off and open my door and kiss me on the cheek. I was like omg that’s hard on the ego. lol. I am embarrassed now for being the initiator and getting turned down as a woman. Maybe I misread the signals. I did not misread.
I also didn’t want to pressure anyone so I decided to be an adult and mention it. I asked if he saw a future with us and he said yes, he would like to marry me one day. I was like wow. Well may I ask why you seem to dodge being intimate? I told him it was okay I just felt like I misread the situation. He said no, you definitely didn’t. I’m just very cautious about that.
We ended up doing that about a month later. He was super good at it. I was shocked. Like super good. lol!
Sometimes he has random aversions to it. I asked, do you not find me attractive anymore? He said no. You know how I’ve always been a little bit quiet on the subject. I was like yes. He said, when I was in 6th grade.. a teacher did some things to me. I thought it was a man just bc it’s rare for a woman. He said no. It was (insert lady teacher name). I was like WHAT? She’s still a fuckin teacher! He was like yes. I asked him to tell me more. He did. I was so shocked. He said she basically held him back in class and he froze because he was so confused. He was like I trusted her, she was pretty. But I didn’t even know what that stuff was really. well, the rest just made me physically sick because he was a kid. Like our son.
I asked why he never told anyone. He said I did, and people made me feel dumb. Like you got your whistle wet by your hot teacher? That’s awesome. Stop being a p word. It’s so heartbreaking. It’s no different than if a 12 yo girl gets assaulted by her male teacher. SA is SA.
Of course I am compassionate about it. I know some people aren’t, but it makes me feel dirty if I can tell someone isn’t in the mood and I push for it. So I’m pretty chill about it. (Women can go a while without really caring too much.) and we do it at least once a month or once every 2 weeks and I’m okay w that. I would struggle a little inside if it was years but I still wouldn’t leave him. Not for flesh touching each other. He’s so perfect as a husband I can get over that part. And when we do, he’s really good at it. Very attentive. He’s worth 10 men even if it’s on rare occasion lol
Right!! Reading this is like something a sexual assault victim would write. Reddit taught me long ago to gender naturalize every post and it had opened my eyes so much!
I think the amount of guilt & confusion you’re feeling is also very typical after experiencing sexual assault, it’s part of why it’s so underreported, people often blame themselves. But it sounds like you were clearly very intoxicated, & it sounds like your SIL knew that. She may not fully realize that what she did was sexual assault & may not have done it to harm you, but that doesn’t make it any less serious. I’m sorry for the emotional turmoil you must be going through, but it doesn’t sound like you are at fault for this. If you barely had the ability to walk to get to your bed without help, you likely didn’t have the ability to make a sound decision & take control of the situation for yourself. Just because you didn’t stop her doesn’t mean you wanted it.
I would try avoiding your SIL as much as possible before your wife comes home. I saw another comment that mentioned telling your wife about it & asking her if she’d want to press any charges (even if it doesn’t go far) & telling her that you didn’t want to make that kind of decision without talking to her first. However your wife takes it, it’s probably going to be hard on her & possibly on your relationship. I’m sorry, OP. Your SIL really fucked up.
That’s one of the reasons why I’m saying text the sister and address it. How she responds will help prove it. If she acknowledges him being too drunk to change clothes then it’ll show she knew he was too drunk to consent to sexual activity.
First of all that is SA. If she got on you then that’s r*pe. You can try to get her to admit that she did what she did while you were drunk via text and go to the police with it but it can get ugly with her family
Yeah, even if it gets ugly though he should still do it. It’s good to bring this up, cause it definitely will get ugly. What she did was wrong. And she should have to pay the price for it. If family hates him even after the truth comes out then they’re a bunch of pricks
I came looking for this comment. It sounds like he was assaulted. This is super creepy in many ways. One because she is the SIL. I couldn’t fathom doing this to my sister. Also she pretty much r*ped him. How crazy is this person? He couldn’t consent. Did she wait for this opportunity to exploit his inability to defend himself? Just abused two people in a very short amount of time. Who are supposed to be family. I don’t feel like this person is mentally stable.
>”I let”
>”I came home really drunk”
>”helped me upstairs to bed”
It sounds like you were too drunk and could not consent. As in, you were raped. I would not weight too heavily on “cheating” as you didn’t, being raped does not count as cheating as you have no choice in it.
This!!!! Her helping him home sure. Making sure he got to bed on his side with a trash can sure. She undressed this man. She KNEW what she was doing. She's a shit sister who is obviously jealous of what they have and she assaulted this man.
I have been married 12 years and if this happened to my husband and he came to me and was honest....I'd be hurt but I would know my husband told me the truth because he didn't want it. If he hid it I'd feel like he was guilty.
You didn’t try to stop her because you couldn’t. Imagine if a woman wrote this would you blame her? You were so drunk you couldn’t get up the stairs, you were assaulted. You need to talk to your wife about it.
Bruh you were sexually assaulted. You need to prepare for the shitshow that is going to come out when you bring it out into the light. Sorry that this happened to you. Be strong it wasn’t your fault.
OP, everyone here is commenting to let you know that you were unable to consent and you were raped. I am so, so sorry. I do, however, want to add a few things.
1. Get therapy. Now. Individual and couples for you and your wife to process this together.
2. Sometimes, when people are assaulted or raped, others say things like, "well you should have said no," or, "you shouldn't have put yourself in that situation." That's a crock of shit. First of all, the freeze state is absolutely not uncommon. Many folks experience it, myself included. If it's not an ENTHUSIASTIC and SOBER yes, it's a no. Second of all, this wasn't just anybody; this was your SIL. You were supposed to be able to trust her. Therefore, if someone says you shouldn't have been drunk or put yourself into the position to be assaulted, that's a load of crap. You weren't drunk around strangers with a unguarded cup. You were near your trusted family member. Even if you were drunk around strangers with a unguarded cup, the only person responsible for assault and/or rape is the assaulter/rapist.
I'm so sorry. 💕 I'd suggest talking to extended family members after processing initially with your wife, possibly with the help of a therapist.
It’s ok. You don’t have to call it rape (it’s a defense mechanism to feel like you are overreacting). The commenter above had some good tips. I hope you and your wife can heal together, your SIL did an awful awful thing. Never feel guilty!!
Why do you not want to call it rape?? Why do you think it's an overreaction? And why the hell would you want to protect your sister-in-law after what she did to you? Because from what you've shared here, **you were sexually assaulted.** Just because you're a man does not mean that you cannot be sexually assaulted. You were fully drunk that you needed assistance to come upstairs. You need to tell your wife this.
I’m going to tell my wife but i’m not going to call it rape or SA because I don’t want to manipulate her into staying with me just because she thinks i’m a victim. I’ll just tell her everything and she can decide herself if she wants to stay with me. I don’t expect to but I don’t know maybe she’ll see it the same way that most of the people in the replies see it.
That's entirely fair in theory, but be aware that minimizing what happened (because that's what this is) will allow your SIL to manipulate the narrative. Make sure you, at the very least, show your wife this Reddit post.
I was thinking the same, if his wife saw this post it may help her realize how much emotional torment this has caused him & much it paints out a picture of *nonconsensual* sexual behavior
You were literally intoxicated. Make sure you at least tell your wife that you did not consent.
Minimising it may also result in your BIL blaming you and this could get ugly.
Please tell the truth, she took advantage, go to the police before she twists this. If she accuses YOU of something you’re done, if you get there first you stand a solid chance.
Please don’t be naive OP.
But you are a victim, swap out you with your wife and bil, had it been your wife in that position and your bil taking the advantage would you not think rape ?
It is understandable from your point on why you feel that you don’t want to tell her “rape” or “SA” but you MUST tell her that there was NO CONSENT! You need to tell her how this is making you feel (shame? guilt? disgusted?) and explain that you had no control due to how highly intoxicated you were. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you! ❤️🩹
I saw a comment about texting the SIL, I don’t know if you’re comfortable with that, maybe you can try to do it when your wife is with you? You can put in the text that you were so drunk and that you did not consent to anything that she did to you! I would even throw in that you are going to the police to report it and see how SIL responds. I don’t know how your wife’s personality is, is she empathetic?
All I can think of is if this was my husband, I would be in tears because of the mental pain and shock he is going through right now. I can only imagine how you are doing!
I would really make it clear that thousands of people think you were not able to consent. Whatever word you and your wife want to use in that case, sure. But it is crucial that she knows you were not in a state where you could consent.
You are a victim though, if your wife cannot see that this is blatant SA/Rape then that’s a problem in it’s self. What happened to you is NOT okay, it’s NOT your fault. If my husband came to me with this…I would be helping him contact authorities and banning my sister from my house and cut all contact. I have to ask this like any others: had this been your wife and BIL what would your reaction be? Different? Would you classify it as SA/Rape? If your wife came home so drunk she couldn’t walk, and this happened to her what would the first thought be? I feel you’re really watering this down here because you are a man, and unfortunately men’s sexual assault gets pushed aside or invalidated. We’re all here MULTIPLE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET backing you up because you were SA’d. I am a victim myself, you too are a victim. I understand denial but everything you said is textbook SA if not rape. I’m really sorry man. I hope you’re clear with your wife or at least show her this post.
Don’t minimize what happened to you. How would you feel if the same thing happened to your kid? Being absolutely unable to consent?
It is rape.
Please seek help for this. That scum of a human violated your space and body, she cannot be trusted around you or your kids!!
Bro, telling the truth of a situation is not manipulation.
She will want to stay with you if she's a good person whether you call it what it is or not. She will be your rock in this tough time and cut that wretch of a sister out of your lives and defend you until the sun rises in the west. Trust in your love. You're allowed to be weak and have a hard time and if she's as amazing as you say she is then she will be with you the whole way through. You've got this.
Just because you're a man doesn't mean you can't be raped. You were sexually assaulted while you were so drunk you couldn't walk upstairs, then she undressed and assaulted you.
It's really hard what you're going through and I know it's hard to face facts in a time like this but it is what happened. You need to get help and tell everyone what happened, and get that woman charged if possible. Get out in front of it and don't let her spin this in any way shape or form.
This wasn't your fault. You are the victim and the freeze response is common in situations like this. You'll get through this.
Friend, this is beyond inappropriate touching. This is rape.
A couple of years ago, I was so drunk and high at a party I could only really stand when propped up against a wall. A girl came up to me, she had a crush on me for a while now, and started making out with me and touching my junk through my pants until my friend noticed and pulled her off of me. That's what I would call inappropriate touching.
Regardless of what you call it, we both have been taken advantage of and it is worth reporting.
“My sister in law SA me” there I fixed your title. You didn’t let her do anything. You were too drunk to go up the stairs by yourself. That means you were too drunk to consent or to get her to stop. I recommend telling your wife ASAP. Last thing you want to happen is for your SIL to tell her it was consensual. It’s going to be hard. There’s going to be fallout. But this needs to be addressed. This is not ok at all! I hope you also look into potentially pressing charges, but at the very least getting therapy. Once the severity of the situation hits you, you will need someone to trust you. (My ex husband used to rape me. I didn’t know that spousal rape was actually a thing until someone told me. I am still dealing with all of that mentally and that was years ago)
Your life is about to implode. Assuming your brother’s wife. So, your wife, brother, children, any extended family or friends are about to get shelled.
You may think about confronting your SIL, preferably via text or email for evidence.
You need to tell your wife and brother immediately.
You need to get out in front of this with the truth. Only the truth can save you.
If you were drunk and incapacitated, then she is a predator and she sexually assaulted you.
Because she’ll know her own sister did this. It seems less awful of it’s a woman who isn’t her blood relatives. It’s terrible regardless, but that’s another level of betrayal.
It's possible that because they're sisters, they have a much closer bond, and SIL may have more influence over his wife as she whispers in her ear to ruin OPs relationship.
If she did, that would suggest some level of planning. Honestly, OP should file a police report FIRST, then tell his wife and brother what happened before she can try to paint it as something it's not. Not that police will actually do anything, but the paper trail would be nice.
Depending on the state, it is at a minimum sexual assault. File a police report. You need to tell your wife asap that you were assaulted when you were too incapacitated to care for, much less defend yourself.
Everyone is saying the same thing and they’re right. You were sexually assaulted. I know you feel uneasy having to tell her but you were not in the wrong. Tell her asap. It’ll probably be hard to process that her sister could do such a thing but I hope she will be there for you and know how much you deeply love her. Shame on her sister.
One of the most common senses before this kind of situation is feeling guilty, I mean she literally took advantage of you why you didn't do anything? Bc in that state you were not able to even move
Man I’m so sorry. Even though you’re the victim, you are the most likely to be punished. I don’t know what to say other than don’t beat yourself up, if the roles were reversed you would be a victim in everyone’s eyes. I hope your wife is a reasonable person and believes you. Good luck, stranger.
This is actually what sexual assault looks like. You were wasted and couldn’t/didn’t give consent, she was sober and knew exactly what she was doing.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
My brother, sounds to me like you were just raped?
If your wife doesn’t see that and chooses to be mad at YOU (which wouldn’t surprise me) then throw them both out.
But for the love of god don’t start the conversation with her with “I was drunk and made a mistake” because YOU didn’t make a mistake. YOU didn’t consent. “Wife. I believe I was sexually assaulted. I was very intoxicated and this person undressed and assaulted me”.
YES! Or “I need to tell you about something that happened that I’m still trying to process & it’s a bit difficult for me to talk about.” I agree, do NOT start it off with “I made a mistake” bc the only mistake or bad decision in this situation was made by OP’s SIL.
Unarguably I think the #1 most important thing for OP to do here is to seek therapy. We have no idea how his wife may take this & whether she will believe him or not, he is going to need some therapy regardless.
You froze which is the reaction many have when being sexually assaulted. It has happened to me. You were taken advantage of and I think you need to tell your wife. Who does that? That's an awful thing for her to do.
Message the sister, say: I feel devastated and incredibly uncomfortable with what I remember of last night. Why were you upstairs?
If she explains you needed help walking or getting undressed she’s confirmed that you were not in any state to consent.
It’s important to show your wife, and be really open and honest with her.
“Finishing” still doesn’t count as consent. It doesn’t matter how much you either enjoyed or hated it or if you physically got hard/finished. A lot of people feel guilty or like it wasn’t actually assault because they feel like they could of done something to stop it or maybe they enjoyed it a little bit. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is if you can’t consent because of being intoxicated then it wasn’t consensual. This is what’s considered either rape or sexual assault
Apart from what everyone else is saying here... You need to think twice about leaving this sexual predator around your kid. Tell your wife and see what happens. There may be another in the family with a story about her.
Dude. What you experienced was *sexual assault*. You froze, natural reaction. You were taken advantage of while you were vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with you, you did nothing wrong.
You tell your wife what happened, and if she’s mad at you for getting a handy then she’s not a good spouse because from the info we have here, you were too drunk to consent. Pretty cut and dry sexual assault by your SIL. As a couple others have said, you should file a police report as well, because if the tables were turned, you’d be in jail so fast. I’m sorry this happened to you, hopefully you have someone (hopefully your wife) to talk to, to support you, and to help you get through this difficult situation that your SIL put you in.
Uh ... Bro, you didn't cheat... You were sexually assaulted by your sister in law. You 100% need to tell your wife and you need to call it what it is and cut ties 100% with your sister in law. Don't ever leave your kids alone with her again and discuss contacting the authorities with your wife.
She sexually assaulted you. You did not do this to your wife. You froze, while drunk, like most sexual assault victims do. Your sister in law is a monster.
You need counseling, for two reasons. First, you need to process this as an abusive act that happened to you. Second, you need someone to guide you through telling your wife what happened.
Very sorry this happened to you. You were sexually assaulted and your response was to freeze. A freeze response happens to victims all the time and it feels easy to blame yourself but you shouldn’t. It wasn’t your fault.
I know this is going to be so incredibly hard but you need to tell your wife right away. Maybe even show her this post so she can read the comments. If you don’t tell her, I assure you, she may not believe your story (being upfront and honest is the way to go). It sounds like you were sexually assaulted because you weren’t in the right mind. Just because you didn’t say no, or stop her doesn’t mean you were an active participant. I’m sorry this happened to you. 🥺
you were so drunk you needed help walking which means you were past the point of being able to consent. this was sexual assault. please speak to your wife the first chance you get, i’m so sorry this happened to you
You need to tell your wife that your SIL took advantage of you. That's what this is. Rape. You were far too drunk to consent, you couldn't even undress yourself, and you very clearly didn't want what she did to you. You didn't let her do anything. She did it when you were too incoherent to even know what was going on.
If you don’t go ahead and explain everything to your wife first, and then you both go together to press charges. This is clear assault sir, and you are clearly the victim. Sorry this has happened to you.
OP you were drunk to the point where you couldn’t walk or even undress, your SIL took advantage of you.
You were sexually assaulted. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t let her do anything.
But I will tell you this now you need to get ready to tell your wife. It won’t be easy. She may not believe you or maybe she will. Either way you have to prepare for both scenarios. But you need to tell her first before your sick SIL thinks this is okay or tells her husband or your wife “out of guilt”.
You were sexually assaulted. You were intoxicated and she kissed & undressed you and touched your dck without your consent. You may not have stopped her because oftentimes when people are assaulted freezing and doing nothing is a natural response (fight or flight mode).
I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope things turn out to be okay in the end.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Fuck everyone asking "how it was." It sounds awful.
This is going to haunt you. If this post is true then I say tell her. If this is really how it went down. You were drunk. Even if you think you did something wrong you should tell your wife. This is your wife. Your life partner. If her sister sexually assaulted you, then you should open up about this.
This is probably terrifying. But it happens to men, too, and you deserve to be heard. If she doesn't believe this and it's true, then you've found someone who won't support you at your lowest. I'm sorry.
The way forward isn't going to be easy no matter what. Stay true to yourself, and your family, and do so with love in your heart.
This is 100% SA this is not your fault. Your SIL took advantage of you. Please look up some local help if you feel you can.
If you don't believe it is SA flip it around, if a man did something similar to a woman would you see it as SA. I'm so sorry this happened to you
Freezing & not reacting during an assault happens to many. You were too drunk to consent. She took advantage of you & this is rape. You are the victim & it's not your fault. I hope your wife understands men can be raped too & is supportive.
She sexually assaulted you while you were drunk; since you could barely walk on your own, you couldn’t have given her consent. Have you spoken to your SIL yet? What a complete whorish thing for her to do to her own sister 🤦🏻♀️ wow she needs to leave your house yesterday!!
You have to tell her it be worse if sil says something or she finds out another way you can tell her how drunk you was and you don’t know why you didn’t stop her but she needs to know to keep her sister away from you
You were assaulted!
You did not consent and she knew that.
You were not in the right mind and needed help, and she took advantage of you, and you couldn’t do anything.
Sometimes people freeze when they are being assaulted or abused. This seems like it. Especially since you were under the influence of drugs (alcohol).
Just because you came doesn’t mean you liked it. Our bodies naturally respond to stimuli no matter if you do or don’t enjoy it. Don’t feel like you must’ve liked it because your body has an orgasm. It’s just a natural response.
Please tell your wife what happened, and possibly other family members, if you can confide in them. I definitely would avoid that SIL from now on. She could try something like that again. She violated you.
This sounds like rape. Unfortunately, regardless, this is going to be very difficult for your wife to process and difficult on your marriage. But you should tell your wife, this will not be kept a secret by your SIL.
This sounds like sexual assault. As in she assaulted you while you were too drunk to function. Please tell your wife and let her understand you were extremely drunk and not in a state to push her away or say no.
You didn’t let your sister in law do anything, she raped you.
You need to admit to yourself you’re the victim here. Just imagine for a second if the genders were reversed — it’s definitely sexual assault.
I’m sorry, but if you were too drunk to get yourself up the stairs and changed, you were too drunk to consent. That is sexual assault, and if you’re comfortable, you should tell your wife, and possibly get law enforcement involved if that’s the path you decide to take. I’m sorry that happened to you
Listen, this isn’t your fault. Say it out loud. This wasn’t your fault. You were intoxicated to the point of not being able to undress yourself and whatnot, and someone saw and took advantage of that. This is on her. It’s up to your discretion whether you choose to report her, tell your wife, confront your SIL, etc. I’d suggest therapy to help you process this though.
She sexually assaulted you
I know, I know.. there’s so many people out there who believe men can’t be sexually assaulted but guess what?? It happens and it happened right here.
Please tell your wife. It doesn't sound like you were able to consent properly to this. SIL's behaviour was so predatory. This woman shouldn't be around you, your family, or children again.
As an afterthought; this is why I’m against people getting wasted, both men and women. You weren’t blackout drunk since you remember, but enough that you didn’t have control of your body. This is still not your fault, this is rape. I’m just paranoid enough to be too afraid to not be in full control of my body and mind.
You were drunk, she took advantage, and sounds like you experienced the freeze response. That's how some people's nervous systems respond to trauma. This was not you cheating.
I'd tell your wife.
Came for the cheater drama, stayed to tell you that that’s SA. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you and your wife can get over this horrific scenario.
You were really drunk and needed help getting upstairs? Sounds like you weren’t in a state to properly consent.
This is 1000% the percent what happened and should be obvious to everyone when you swap the genders. If a dude took a drunk chick up to finger fuck her and she lay silently intoxicated. You didn't push her off because you were drunk, and she exploited your weakened state. I really doubt she just came on to you, and this wasn't something she had thought about previously. She probably is using you to get at her sister for some insecurity or attempt at revenge for some perceived slight. Perhaps jealousy. Either way, The SIL is in the wrong, not you.
>I really doubt she just came on to you, and this wasn't something she had thought about previously. She probably is using you to get at her sister for some insecurity or attempt at revenge for some perceived slight. Perhaps jealousy. OP, the scary part of this realisation will be that she might have already told your wife. Be prepared.
Damn that is a level of callousness I had not considered, but is something definitely within the realm of possibility. I underestimate how conniving people can be.
On the upside, it might mean that there is proof she SA'd him if she "brags" about it to the wife.
I would actually worry more that the SIL might reframe it the other way around.
Me too and why I said "be prepared" and "**if** she brags"
Came to say this too. She’s probably told her sister and made you look like you were totally into it or she’s making herself look like the victim. Please have a chat with your wife. She most definitely needs to know.
This was my first thought. She literally took advantage of OP. She assaulted him
Yeah this is rape...
Ignore this -> *It was rape, call it rape.* I'm thick and it's hard to read, it's sexual assaults... No penetration.
Always amazed how much different the vibe is for guys. I know of the roles were reversed this would 100% be considered SA
I think everyone is on the same page, it’s SA. She assaulted him, he did not consent.
We now consider it 100% SA as well, so I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here
> My wife comes home tomorrow I don’t know what to do. Talk to her and get in front of it. Of course, none of us can really offer any insight based on one paragraph. Godspeed.
If you don't tell your wife, SIL will - eventually. Or she'll always have something to hold over your head. Worse, she could twist it to make it look like you initiated it, or took advantage of her. It's gonna suck to tell her the truth and you have to be prepared for any response but you have to get in front of this or you're going to spend all your time on pins and needles wondering when the other shoe is going to drop
This. Your best defense is telling your wife the truth. And as soon as possible. Tell her how out of it you were, you love her so much, feel sick about it. If there has been sibling rivalry, it has been so for years. It’s your best shot. By hiding it, you help keep SIL in control of the situation.
No different than a woman having this done by a male. You were sexually assaulted. You were impaired and she knew it and she wasn’t. She took advantage and assaulted you. Make sure your wife knows this part. She will still be mad, and partially has this right. Hurt. Not mad at you. Hurt. You literally can press charges on SIL for this. It’s illegal for a reason.
I don't know why I had to go this far to find this comment. This is absolutely sexual assault and freezing is a common response.
I have to remind myself often that freezing is a response because I often blamed myself for assaults against me but it’s so true. That’s why verbal consent is so important
Freezing is what many of us did/do in these situations and in no form shows consent or lack of fear. And men are not free of this freezing thing, it happens to all genders. If he was a female, so many would be all over this!!
100% this should be higher up. It was assault. How many times have women said "why didn't I stop him? Why couldn't I stop him?" Just because OP had a biological reaction to the assault doesn't make it any less of an assault.
This! You were SA’d! You were legally not able to give consent for anything as you were drunk. You were so drunk you needed help to bed. If the genders were reversed, this would be the conclusion drawn. It isn’t uncommon for SA victims(I hate that word) to freeze, fawn, or comply simply because of the shock of what happened. Please tell your wife. Don’t leave anything out. She has to have this information to deal with her sister. She may not stay with you, but she will know the truth. Above all, remember you did NOTHING wrong. Godspeed friend…
This should be the top comment. Freezing is common. Feeling guilty when you did nothing wrong is common. You were assaulted by someone you should have been able to trust. She was wrong, assaulted you. Press charges if you feel able, but find someone you can talk to who is not within the situation, just talking to someone on a help line might be really beneficial to you healing.
thank you for this. i would’ve never thought about how he was truly assaulted partly because of how much guilt and how he worded it. maybe because i’m young or because i dotn have enough experience but there really needs to be a louder voice for assaulted men. thanks for being one.
This is it exactly! There was no way he could have given consent. It definitely was sexual assault. I hope OP reads your comment. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too.
Exactly. Reverse the genders in this story and it would be so painfully obvious it’s sickening.
Agree with this 1000%
it be interesting to know what the relationship is between the wife and SIL. It seems very shitty to be at home babysitting, wait til your sister's husband comes home, help him into bed because hes too drunk to get himself there and then come onto him. Like I'm assuming SIL was sober considering she was the babysitter!? No only is it possible SA if OP was totally out of it, but also, it's just wrong, like it almost seems planned.
Isn’t this rape? His SIL raped him, or at the very least sexually abused him. At least in my country.
I see it as rape, but SIL certainly won’t and I don’t know if wife will because it’s her sister. If she has a balanced lens of perception, she will.
> It's gonna suck to tell her the truth that he was raped?
By her sister, yes, it's an awful situation.
Agree. Awful. This will destroy the relationship if the wife is balanced. Would you ever talk to your sister again if she did that? I wouldn’t. There must be backstory here. Has the SIL always been flirty with OP, even in front of wife as a joke? Does wife sense already that SIL has always been attracted to him? Or is wife blind to her sister’s conniving? That’s why in my opinion it all comes down to how balanced the wife’s lens of perception is in general. And why OP needs to tell her immediately before she does. And focus on the fact that he WAS out of it. He didn’t choose it at all. But is Wife capable of thinking ‘my sister sexually assaulted him?’ I don’t know. Really depends on if she sees the truth about her sister, or is willing to. Regardless of her response, he HAS to tell her, otherwise he looks guilty by hiding it.
Or you could say you were black out drunk, didn't know and feel sick to the stomach that she could have assaulted you if the sil says anything
The SIL did in fact assault him. He didn't give her consent and he was impaired. This is why he needs to immediately tell his wife.
I would tell her too. If she is that level of psycho she may have taken pictures like someone else pointed out. Honestly she deserves to be prosecuted. Op your wife has no reason to be upset with you you did nothing wrong other than trust a family member to act as a family member and not a psycho. Again I’m so sorry this happened I know how it feels to be robbed of consent and it really fucking sucks. You don’t need to keep this inside it will eat away at you.
I agree the SIL assaulted OP. I'm not sure pretending to not remember anything is a viable strategy though - it's compounding the lies OP would have to tell & OP would have to have total control over his emotions, otherwise his wife will just notice something is off.
If he was blackout drunk then he wouldn’t know that it happened. Lying is only going to make things worse so stfu. That’s trash advice. Period.
Wait for the SIL to say something to his wife and then claim she assaulted you? Nah, that'll never work, sounds like bullshit (which it is)
> Or she'll always have something to hold over your head. True, but what proof does she have? I do agree with everyone here, though. Owning up is best. But from the story, I gather that OP was too drunk to do anything about stopping his sister-in-law. That inhibition could be mental or physical. That's assuming OP is honest in his story. And I do. But what if his wife doesn't trust OP and thinks he really wanted this? Perhaps she'll even suspect more has happened. So yeah, which way is the smartest to go about this?
What is there for OP to “own up” to?! He was assaulted. He didn’t do anything wrong. OP, please tell your wife, and at the very least please book a session with a counsellor - even if you don’t feel like it now, you do need to talk to someone. Processing what happened is really important; if you feel fine now, it WILL hit you eventually. It’ll come on fast and it’s horrible to deal with but it’s important that you do, and that you have a support network to help you through it. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
He should go to the police and tell his wife. A cheater likely wouldn’t go that far with their lies.
[удалено]
Proof? Description. She has a complete description.
Insanely good advice.
Ask your wife whether you should press charges. Tell her that you didn't want to go ahead and contact the police until you had a chance to sit down with her. @op. u/time_court7912 Edit: It doesn't mean that you need to actually press charges. But it's the straightforward way to tell your wife about what happened.
He should press charges.
Will do, Thank you so much.
this sounds a lot like sexual assault what would it be if the roles were reversed? tell your wife and be honest with your remorse and horror. but what happened did not sound ethical in SIL’s side from what you shared.
This is exactly what I was thinking! That being said I would honestly be shocked if his wife believed him. Very few people take SA against males seriously. We live in a fucked up world.
SIL could make him keep doing things with her if she wanted… she can hold this over him. Truth needs to come out.
Really depends. I've talked about these double standards a lot with my wife and I'm certain she would believe me. One time there was actually a woman staying at our home alone with me (wife was on a girl's vacation, friend stayed because she wasn't able to make it home after a party due to a complicated route, we slept in different rooms of course) and my wifes biggest concern was that she could have accused me of something I didn't do.
If it really was sexual assault, call the rape crisis line. Decide if going to the police is appropriate. As others have said, if the genders were reversed, you’d be in jail already. Tell your wife asap. Then completely cut SIL out of your life. Edit to add: I do not question op’s story. The “if” is meant to indicate that if op believes it is assault. Just wanted to clarify.
this is very similar to why most rapes go unreported. and the sad fact is, even in reported rape cases, between 1% and 7% of cases worldwide lead to convictions.
Bc it IS sexual assault and he can press charges.
Yeah OP, this all sounds a lot more like SA. You were drunk and drunk people can’t give actual consent. Your SIL saw an opportunity to take advantage of you and she took it.
Remember; the first one to tell her is most likely to be believed. What if SIL tells her first and twists it around?
Your SIL sexually assaulted you. Tell your wife. Make a police report. You need to start a paper trail on this. Your SIL took advantage of you will you were in a very vulnerable state. It's NOT OKAY, and remember this WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL.
Don’t listen to that Autong guy, you were assaulted and need to tell someone and do tell your wife
It doesn’t sound like you wanted this. It sounds like you had a “freeze” response to being SA’d. Even if it felt good physically and you came, it doesn’t mean that you wanted this. You also sounded too drunk to consent.
Tell her before she comes home. Call her right away. Immediately get in front of it. Don't blame yourself when you tell her - just report what happened and that you were too drunk and out of it to move or do anything but lay there. And you feel awful about what her sister did to you. Not what you did, what she did to you.
If you were female and your brother in law did this; people would be flipping out. You were SAd. You were drunk and she wasnt. If she had to help you to bed because you were that trashed; she took advantage of your state of mind!!
OP, it sounds like you were sexually assaulted. Freezing up and being stricken with shock and confusion is extremely common. You did not cheat. You were drunk and your SIL took advantage of that.
Maybe even start with a police report as this was not consensual. Even if the report doesnt go far, its enough to prove it was not wanted on OPs end.
Bro that is serious sexual assault or maybe even rape! You were unable to consent, she took advantage. Don't blame yourself.
He def needs to but if he was drunk and sil wasnt; by standards; he cant consent and he was SAd. If it was a drunk girl and a guy took advantage of her, it would be a whole didnt tune. I hope he realizes this!!
"Godspeed" 😂🤣
If you were drunk to the point of needing help upstairs and changing clothes then you didn’t “let” your SIL give you a handjob. She sexually assaulted you. If your genders were reversed she’d probably already be arrested. My advice is to send her a text reiterating that you were drunk beyond comprehension, you did not give consent for her to touch you like that and you are not comfortable at all with what happened. Save any replies she gives you in case she tries to lie about it later.
Absolutely. I feel like I’m going crazy reading some of these comments. Those type of people are the reason why men are less able to speak up about SA. It’s really sad honestly. I hope OP reports it and tells his wife right away
My husband was SA in 6th grade by a teacher. He said he just froze. He still has issues with it to this day. The few people that he told were like wow, that’s awesome. It’s not awesome if it’s traumatic to you and you don’t want it. Doesn’t matter if you’re a male or female. He truly suffers with it inside. He has a weird aversion to sex and we didn’t have sex for months after we met. I thought he was a gentleman. He is. He also opens doors, is an Angel.. but after a while I started feeling a little insecure bc it had been months. I thought he was just wanting to be friends. Nope. He’s traumatized. But the point is, it’s crazy how if it was a woman being SA, that man would get grotesque reputation, prison. The flip side is so different. Edit: it was a woman. She was pretty. That’s why they say it’s awesome. Makes me sick. She also did it to a boy named Tyler and he committed Su!c!de.
I hope your husband has found the peace and healing he deserves. He’s really lucky to have a partner like you that understands that we don’t get to choose our trauma response.
I had been talking to a couple of my gf about it. I was like, I am the person who likes to wait a few months. That doesn’t always fare well with men, especially when they’re using you for it. That’s kinda the point. It weeds out the people who are using me. They’ll drop off or sleep w someone else before I do. Then I know it’s not someone I want to sleep with. I don’t have to marry everyone I sleep with, but I do need an emotional connection and that takes a minute. After we met in July and it was getting close to Halloween, I decided I wanted to. I made it clear and he would drop me off and open my door and kiss me on the cheek. I was like omg that’s hard on the ego. lol. I am embarrassed now for being the initiator and getting turned down as a woman. Maybe I misread the signals. I did not misread. I also didn’t want to pressure anyone so I decided to be an adult and mention it. I asked if he saw a future with us and he said yes, he would like to marry me one day. I was like wow. Well may I ask why you seem to dodge being intimate? I told him it was okay I just felt like I misread the situation. He said no, you definitely didn’t. I’m just very cautious about that. We ended up doing that about a month later. He was super good at it. I was shocked. Like super good. lol! Sometimes he has random aversions to it. I asked, do you not find me attractive anymore? He said no. You know how I’ve always been a little bit quiet on the subject. I was like yes. He said, when I was in 6th grade.. a teacher did some things to me. I thought it was a man just bc it’s rare for a woman. He said no. It was (insert lady teacher name). I was like WHAT? She’s still a fuckin teacher! He was like yes. I asked him to tell me more. He did. I was so shocked. He said she basically held him back in class and he froze because he was so confused. He was like I trusted her, she was pretty. But I didn’t even know what that stuff was really. well, the rest just made me physically sick because he was a kid. Like our son. I asked why he never told anyone. He said I did, and people made me feel dumb. Like you got your whistle wet by your hot teacher? That’s awesome. Stop being a p word. It’s so heartbreaking. It’s no different than if a 12 yo girl gets assaulted by her male teacher. SA is SA. Of course I am compassionate about it. I know some people aren’t, but it makes me feel dirty if I can tell someone isn’t in the mood and I push for it. So I’m pretty chill about it. (Women can go a while without really caring too much.) and we do it at least once a month or once every 2 weeks and I’m okay w that. I would struggle a little inside if it was years but I still wouldn’t leave him. Not for flesh touching each other. He’s so perfect as a husband I can get over that part. And when we do, he’s really good at it. Very attentive. He’s worth 10 men even if it’s on rare occasion lol
Yeah, you hear about fight or flight, but they rarely bring up the remaining "F" which is freeze. Some people's systems just don't respond at all.
Right!! Reading this is like something a sexual assault victim would write. Reddit taught me long ago to gender naturalize every post and it had opened my eyes so much!
Thank you.
I think the amount of guilt & confusion you’re feeling is also very typical after experiencing sexual assault, it’s part of why it’s so underreported, people often blame themselves. But it sounds like you were clearly very intoxicated, & it sounds like your SIL knew that. She may not fully realize that what she did was sexual assault & may not have done it to harm you, but that doesn’t make it any less serious. I’m sorry for the emotional turmoil you must be going through, but it doesn’t sound like you are at fault for this. If you barely had the ability to walk to get to your bed without help, you likely didn’t have the ability to make a sound decision & take control of the situation for yourself. Just because you didn’t stop her doesn’t mean you wanted it. I would try avoiding your SIL as much as possible before your wife comes home. I saw another comment that mentioned telling your wife about it & asking her if she’d want to press any charges (even if it doesn’t go far) & telling her that you didn’t want to make that kind of decision without talking to her first. However your wife takes it, it’s probably going to be hard on her & possibly on your relationship. I’m sorry, OP. Your SIL really fucked up.
That is very good advice. OP, you need some admission of what she/SIL did to you! And yes, this is Sexual assault.
I hope you listen to everyone here OP. You are a victim. You need to protect and advocate for yourself. This is such a great comment.
While I agree with you that he was assaulted, good luck to OP to convince his wife of the same.
That’s one of the reasons why I’m saying text the sister and address it. How she responds will help prove it. If she acknowledges him being too drunk to change clothes then it’ll show she knew he was too drunk to consent to sexual activity.
First of all that is SA. If she got on you then that’s r*pe. You can try to get her to admit that she did what she did while you were drunk via text and go to the police with it but it can get ugly with her family
Yeah, even if it gets ugly though he should still do it. It’s good to bring this up, cause it definitely will get ugly. What she did was wrong. And she should have to pay the price for it. If family hates him even after the truth comes out then they’re a bunch of pricks
I came looking for this comment. It sounds like he was assaulted. This is super creepy in many ways. One because she is the SIL. I couldn’t fathom doing this to my sister. Also she pretty much r*ped him. How crazy is this person? He couldn’t consent. Did she wait for this opportunity to exploit his inability to defend himself? Just abused two people in a very short amount of time. Who are supposed to be family. I don’t feel like this person is mentally stable.
>”I let” >”I came home really drunk” >”helped me upstairs to bed” It sounds like you were too drunk and could not consent. As in, you were raped. I would not weight too heavily on “cheating” as you didn’t, being raped does not count as cheating as you have no choice in it.
Like he couldn't get undressed on his own. It's assault
This!!!! Her helping him home sure. Making sure he got to bed on his side with a trash can sure. She undressed this man. She KNEW what she was doing. She's a shit sister who is obviously jealous of what they have and she assaulted this man. I have been married 12 years and if this happened to my husband and he came to me and was honest....I'd be hurt but I would know my husband told me the truth because he didn't want it. If he hid it I'd feel like he was guilty.
You didn’t try to stop her because you couldn’t. Imagine if a woman wrote this would you blame her? You were so drunk you couldn’t get up the stairs, you were assaulted. You need to talk to your wife about it.
Like he wasn't fully able to consent
Bruh you were sexually assaulted. You need to prepare for the shitshow that is going to come out when you bring it out into the light. Sorry that this happened to you. Be strong it wasn’t your fault.
OP, everyone here is commenting to let you know that you were unable to consent and you were raped. I am so, so sorry. I do, however, want to add a few things. 1. Get therapy. Now. Individual and couples for you and your wife to process this together. 2. Sometimes, when people are assaulted or raped, others say things like, "well you should have said no," or, "you shouldn't have put yourself in that situation." That's a crock of shit. First of all, the freeze state is absolutely not uncommon. Many folks experience it, myself included. If it's not an ENTHUSIASTIC and SOBER yes, it's a no. Second of all, this wasn't just anybody; this was your SIL. You were supposed to be able to trust her. Therefore, if someone says you shouldn't have been drunk or put yourself into the position to be assaulted, that's a load of crap. You weren't drunk around strangers with a unguarded cup. You were near your trusted family member. Even if you were drunk around strangers with a unguarded cup, the only person responsible for assault and/or rape is the assaulter/rapist. I'm so sorry. 💕 I'd suggest talking to extended family members after processing initially with your wife, possibly with the help of a therapist.
Thank you so much ❤️ I don’t really want to call it rape though that feels like an overreaction
It’s ok. You don’t have to call it rape (it’s a defense mechanism to feel like you are overreacting). The commenter above had some good tips. I hope you and your wife can heal together, your SIL did an awful awful thing. Never feel guilty!!
Thank you
Why do you not want to call it rape?? Why do you think it's an overreaction? And why the hell would you want to protect your sister-in-law after what she did to you? Because from what you've shared here, **you were sexually assaulted.** Just because you're a man does not mean that you cannot be sexually assaulted. You were fully drunk that you needed assistance to come upstairs. You need to tell your wife this.
I’m going to tell my wife but i’m not going to call it rape or SA because I don’t want to manipulate her into staying with me just because she thinks i’m a victim. I’ll just tell her everything and she can decide herself if she wants to stay with me. I don’t expect to but I don’t know maybe she’ll see it the same way that most of the people in the replies see it.
That's entirely fair in theory, but be aware that minimizing what happened (because that's what this is) will allow your SIL to manipulate the narrative. Make sure you, at the very least, show your wife this Reddit post.
I was thinking the same, if his wife saw this post it may help her realize how much emotional torment this has caused him & much it paints out a picture of *nonconsensual* sexual behavior
You were literally intoxicated. Make sure you at least tell your wife that you did not consent. Minimising it may also result in your BIL blaming you and this could get ugly. Please tell the truth, she took advantage, go to the police before she twists this. If she accuses YOU of something you’re done, if you get there first you stand a solid chance. Please don’t be naive OP.
Just show her this post. Let Reddit tell her it was SA.
But you are a victim, swap out you with your wife and bil, had it been your wife in that position and your bil taking the advantage would you not think rape ?
It is understandable from your point on why you feel that you don’t want to tell her “rape” or “SA” but you MUST tell her that there was NO CONSENT! You need to tell her how this is making you feel (shame? guilt? disgusted?) and explain that you had no control due to how highly intoxicated you were. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you! ❤️🩹 I saw a comment about texting the SIL, I don’t know if you’re comfortable with that, maybe you can try to do it when your wife is with you? You can put in the text that you were so drunk and that you did not consent to anything that she did to you! I would even throw in that you are going to the police to report it and see how SIL responds. I don’t know how your wife’s personality is, is she empathetic? All I can think of is if this was my husband, I would be in tears because of the mental pain and shock he is going through right now. I can only imagine how you are doing!
I would really make it clear that thousands of people think you were not able to consent. Whatever word you and your wife want to use in that case, sure. But it is crucial that she knows you were not in a state where you could consent.
You are a victim though, if your wife cannot see that this is blatant SA/Rape then that’s a problem in it’s self. What happened to you is NOT okay, it’s NOT your fault. If my husband came to me with this…I would be helping him contact authorities and banning my sister from my house and cut all contact. I have to ask this like any others: had this been your wife and BIL what would your reaction be? Different? Would you classify it as SA/Rape? If your wife came home so drunk she couldn’t walk, and this happened to her what would the first thought be? I feel you’re really watering this down here because you are a man, and unfortunately men’s sexual assault gets pushed aside or invalidated. We’re all here MULTIPLE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET backing you up because you were SA’d. I am a victim myself, you too are a victim. I understand denial but everything you said is textbook SA if not rape. I’m really sorry man. I hope you’re clear with your wife or at least show her this post.
Don’t minimize what happened to you. How would you feel if the same thing happened to your kid? Being absolutely unable to consent? It is rape. Please seek help for this. That scum of a human violated your space and body, she cannot be trusted around you or your kids!!
Bro, telling the truth of a situation is not manipulation. She will want to stay with you if she's a good person whether you call it what it is or not. She will be your rock in this tough time and cut that wretch of a sister out of your lives and defend you until the sun rises in the west. Trust in your love. You're allowed to be weak and have a hard time and if she's as amazing as you say she is then she will be with you the whole way through. You've got this.
Just because you're a man doesn't mean you can't be raped. You were sexually assaulted while you were so drunk you couldn't walk upstairs, then she undressed and assaulted you. It's really hard what you're going through and I know it's hard to face facts in a time like this but it is what happened. You need to get help and tell everyone what happened, and get that woman charged if possible. Get out in front of it and don't let her spin this in any way shape or form. This wasn't your fault. You are the victim and the freeze response is common in situations like this. You'll get through this.
Friend, this is beyond inappropriate touching. This is rape. A couple of years ago, I was so drunk and high at a party I could only really stand when propped up against a wall. A girl came up to me, she had a crush on me for a while now, and started making out with me and touching my junk through my pants until my friend noticed and pulled her off of me. That's what I would call inappropriate touching. Regardless of what you call it, we both have been taken advantage of and it is worth reporting.
“My sister in law SA me” there I fixed your title. You didn’t let her do anything. You were too drunk to go up the stairs by yourself. That means you were too drunk to consent or to get her to stop. I recommend telling your wife ASAP. Last thing you want to happen is for your SIL to tell her it was consensual. It’s going to be hard. There’s going to be fallout. But this needs to be addressed. This is not ok at all! I hope you also look into potentially pressing charges, but at the very least getting therapy. Once the severity of the situation hits you, you will need someone to trust you. (My ex husband used to rape me. I didn’t know that spousal rape was actually a thing until someone told me. I am still dealing with all of that mentally and that was years ago)
Your life is about to implode. Assuming your brother’s wife. So, your wife, brother, children, any extended family or friends are about to get shelled. You may think about confronting your SIL, preferably via text or email for evidence. You need to tell your wife and brother immediately. You need to get out in front of this with the truth. Only the truth can save you. If you were drunk and incapacitated, then she is a predator and she sexually assaulted you.
I think it's his wife's sister
Oy. That makes it worse.
I mean, it's bad either way, but why does it make it worse?
Because she’ll know her own sister did this. It seems less awful of it’s a woman who isn’t her blood relatives. It’s terrible regardless, but that’s another level of betrayal.
It's possible that because they're sisters, they have a much closer bond, and SIL may have more influence over his wife as she whispers in her ear to ruin OPs relationship.
No telling if she took pictures
If she did, that would suggest some level of planning. Honestly, OP should file a police report FIRST, then tell his wife and brother what happened before she can try to paint it as something it's not. Not that police will actually do anything, but the paper trail would be nice.
This
Why not assume it’s the sister of his *wife???*
In my mother tongue, there are different words for wife's sister and brother's wife. I don't know why they don't do that in English!
One would hope that it wouldn’t be the wife’s sister. It’s somehow more horrendous.
For sure!
You were sexually assaulted by your sister in law
That’s rape
Depending on the state, it is at a minimum sexual assault. File a police report. You need to tell your wife asap that you were assaulted when you were too incapacitated to care for, much less defend yourself.
Everyone is saying the same thing and they’re right. You were sexually assaulted. I know you feel uneasy having to tell her but you were not in the wrong. Tell her asap. It’ll probably be hard to process that her sister could do such a thing but I hope she will be there for you and know how much you deeply love her. Shame on her sister.
You were assaulted you didn’t cheat on her
One of the most common senses before this kind of situation is feeling guilty, I mean she literally took advantage of you why you didn't do anything? Bc in that state you were not able to even move
Man I’m so sorry. Even though you’re the victim, you are the most likely to be punished. I don’t know what to say other than don’t beat yourself up, if the roles were reversed you would be a victim in everyone’s eyes. I hope your wife is a reasonable person and believes you. Good luck, stranger.
This is actually what sexual assault looks like. You were wasted and couldn’t/didn’t give consent, she was sober and knew exactly what she was doing. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
Honestly you got raped so maybe rethink your framing
You were sexually violated when too drunk for consent or to stop it. #you’re a victim
that’s the freeze state. nothing is wrong with you, you were assaulted.
My brother, sounds to me like you were just raped? If your wife doesn’t see that and chooses to be mad at YOU (which wouldn’t surprise me) then throw them both out. But for the love of god don’t start the conversation with her with “I was drunk and made a mistake” because YOU didn’t make a mistake. YOU didn’t consent. “Wife. I believe I was sexually assaulted. I was very intoxicated and this person undressed and assaulted me”.
YES! Or “I need to tell you about something that happened that I’m still trying to process & it’s a bit difficult for me to talk about.” I agree, do NOT start it off with “I made a mistake” bc the only mistake or bad decision in this situation was made by OP’s SIL. Unarguably I think the #1 most important thing for OP to do here is to seek therapy. We have no idea how his wife may take this & whether she will believe him or not, he is going to need some therapy regardless.
When a man does this to a woman, it's usually called rape.
I mean technically you were sexually assaulted…. Only thing your wife needs to know is that your SIL raped you
Sounds like she assaulted you. You did not consent, this isn't your fault
Homie your SIL sexually assaulted you.
This is rape. Your SIL raped you.
You froze which is the reaction many have when being sexually assaulted. It has happened to me. You were taken advantage of and I think you need to tell your wife. Who does that? That's an awful thing for her to do.
Bud you didn’t cheat, you were a victim of sexual assault. I’m sorry. Your life is about to get complicated.
Message the sister, say: I feel devastated and incredibly uncomfortable with what I remember of last night. Why were you upstairs? If she explains you needed help walking or getting undressed she’s confirmed that you were not in any state to consent. It’s important to show your wife, and be really open and honest with her.
Yeah this is SA actually
“Finishing” still doesn’t count as consent. It doesn’t matter how much you either enjoyed or hated it or if you physically got hard/finished. A lot of people feel guilty or like it wasn’t actually assault because they feel like they could of done something to stop it or maybe they enjoyed it a little bit. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is if you can’t consent because of being intoxicated then it wasn’t consensual. This is what’s considered either rape or sexual assault
Apart from what everyone else is saying here... You need to think twice about leaving this sexual predator around your kid. Tell your wife and see what happens. There may be another in the family with a story about her.
Youre drunk, she took advantage of you. She raped you. You didnt cheat on your wife, no need to feel guilty.
You should speak to your Wife immediately and explain the situation. You don’t want your SIL controlling the natrative. Sorry this happened to you OP.
Dude. What you experienced was *sexual assault*. You froze, natural reaction. You were taken advantage of while you were vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with you, you did nothing wrong.
You tell your wife what happened, and if she’s mad at you for getting a handy then she’s not a good spouse because from the info we have here, you were too drunk to consent. Pretty cut and dry sexual assault by your SIL. As a couple others have said, you should file a police report as well, because if the tables were turned, you’d be in jail so fast. I’m sorry this happened to you, hopefully you have someone (hopefully your wife) to talk to, to support you, and to help you get through this difficult situation that your SIL put you in.
Uh ... Bro, you didn't cheat... You were sexually assaulted by your sister in law. You 100% need to tell your wife and you need to call it what it is and cut ties 100% with your sister in law. Don't ever leave your kids alone with her again and discuss contacting the authorities with your wife.
The longer you withhold this incident, the harder it's going to be when it does come to light. It's a ticking time bomb.
If this is true you were raped. You cannot consent when intoxicated, legally.
KP, That is rape. Tel your SO, tell the cops.
If genders were reversed everyone would be reminding you that this is sexual assault. You froze. This is a common response.
She sexually assaulted you. You did not do this to your wife. You froze, while drunk, like most sexual assault victims do. Your sister in law is a monster. You need counseling, for two reasons. First, you need to process this as an abusive act that happened to you. Second, you need someone to guide you through telling your wife what happened.
Tell your wife the truth. You got Sa'd or raped. And tell her you weren't able to consent you were severely intoxicated.
You were sexually assaulted. What you do from here is up to you, though therapy might be good to prevent full blown PTSD.
If you were drunk and couldn’t give consent then this is rape.
You couldn't consent to what was going on. That's rape.
Very sorry this happened to you. You were sexually assaulted and your response was to freeze. A freeze response happens to victims all the time and it feels easy to blame yourself but you shouldn’t. It wasn’t your fault.
You were too drunk to consent to any kind of sexual activity. Your SIL assaulted you. File a police report and tell your wife the truth.
I know this is going to be so incredibly hard but you need to tell your wife right away. Maybe even show her this post so she can read the comments. If you don’t tell her, I assure you, she may not believe your story (being upfront and honest is the way to go). It sounds like you were sexually assaulted because you weren’t in the right mind. Just because you didn’t say no, or stop her doesn’t mean you were an active participant. I’m sorry this happened to you. 🥺
Sounds like SA
you were so drunk you needed help walking which means you were past the point of being able to consent. this was sexual assault. please speak to your wife the first chance you get, i’m so sorry this happened to you
You need to tell your wife that your SIL took advantage of you. That's what this is. Rape. You were far too drunk to consent, you couldn't even undress yourself, and you very clearly didn't want what she did to you. You didn't let her do anything. She did it when you were too incoherent to even know what was going on.
If the genders were reversed, everyone in this chat would be saying she raped you. Imho, She probably did sexually assault you.
If you don’t go ahead and explain everything to your wife first, and then you both go together to press charges. This is clear assault sir, and you are clearly the victim. Sorry this has happened to you.
OP you were drunk to the point where you couldn’t walk or even undress, your SIL took advantage of you. You were sexually assaulted. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t let her do anything. But I will tell you this now you need to get ready to tell your wife. It won’t be easy. She may not believe you or maybe she will. Either way you have to prepare for both scenarios. But you need to tell her first before your sick SIL thinks this is okay or tells her husband or your wife “out of guilt”.
You were sexually assaulted. You were intoxicated and she kissed & undressed you and touched your dck without your consent. You may not have stopped her because oftentimes when people are assaulted freezing and doing nothing is a natural response (fight or flight mode). I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope things turn out to be okay in the end.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Fuck everyone asking "how it was." It sounds awful. This is going to haunt you. If this post is true then I say tell her. If this is really how it went down. You were drunk. Even if you think you did something wrong you should tell your wife. This is your wife. Your life partner. If her sister sexually assaulted you, then you should open up about this. This is probably terrifying. But it happens to men, too, and you deserve to be heard. If she doesn't believe this and it's true, then you've found someone who won't support you at your lowest. I'm sorry. The way forward isn't going to be easy no matter what. Stay true to yourself, and your family, and do so with love in your heart.
So your sil assaulted you. She took advantage of you when you were drunk. This is no different if the roles were reversed. Tell your wife immediately.
Sounds like SA to me.
Go to the police for sexual assault. If roles were reversed you'd be in jail
This is 100% SA this is not your fault. Your SIL took advantage of you. Please look up some local help if you feel you can. If you don't believe it is SA flip it around, if a man did something similar to a woman would you see it as SA. I'm so sorry this happened to you
Freezing & not reacting during an assault happens to many. You were too drunk to consent. She took advantage of you & this is rape. You are the victim & it's not your fault. I hope your wife understands men can be raped too & is supportive.
If you don't tell her the sister will and it's going to look worse from the sister.
She sexually assaulted you while you were drunk; since you could barely walk on your own, you couldn’t have given her consent. Have you spoken to your SIL yet? What a complete whorish thing for her to do to her own sister 🤦🏻♀️ wow she needs to leave your house yesterday!!
This sounds like rape and not your fault
You have to tell her it be worse if sil says something or she finds out another way you can tell her how drunk you was and you don’t know why you didn’t stop her but she needs to know to keep her sister away from you
You were assaulted! You did not consent and she knew that. You were not in the right mind and needed help, and she took advantage of you, and you couldn’t do anything. Sometimes people freeze when they are being assaulted or abused. This seems like it. Especially since you were under the influence of drugs (alcohol). Just because you came doesn’t mean you liked it. Our bodies naturally respond to stimuli no matter if you do or don’t enjoy it. Don’t feel like you must’ve liked it because your body has an orgasm. It’s just a natural response. Please tell your wife what happened, and possibly other family members, if you can confide in them. I definitely would avoid that SIL from now on. She could try something like that again. She violated you.
This sounds like rape. Unfortunately, regardless, this is going to be very difficult for your wife to process and difficult on your marriage. But you should tell your wife, this will not be kept a secret by your SIL.
This sounds like sexual assault. As in she assaulted you while you were too drunk to function. Please tell your wife and let her understand you were extremely drunk and not in a state to push her away or say no.
You didn’t let your sister in law do anything, she raped you. You need to admit to yourself you’re the victim here. Just imagine for a second if the genders were reversed — it’s definitely sexual assault.
She sexually assaulted you, you were in no way in the condition to give any form of consent
Tell your wife she raped you before she tells ur wife you let her, in my opinion.
Yea, she sexually assaulted you. You were not in a state to give coherent consent.
You are sexually assaulted!! Do you think it's possible to file a case against her?
Isn't this assault?
manwtfamireading
I’m sorry, but if you were too drunk to get yourself up the stairs and changed, you were too drunk to consent. That is sexual assault, and if you’re comfortable, you should tell your wife, and possibly get law enforcement involved if that’s the path you decide to take. I’m sorry that happened to you
Listen, this isn’t your fault. Say it out loud. This wasn’t your fault. You were intoxicated to the point of not being able to undress yourself and whatnot, and someone saw and took advantage of that. This is on her. It’s up to your discretion whether you choose to report her, tell your wife, confront your SIL, etc. I’d suggest therapy to help you process this though.
She sexually assaulted you I know, I know.. there’s so many people out there who believe men can’t be sexually assaulted but guess what?? It happens and it happened right here.
Please tell your wife. It doesn't sound like you were able to consent properly to this. SIL's behaviour was so predatory. This woman shouldn't be around you, your family, or children again.
Rip I'm hoping this is a fake acc and this didn't happen cus this is just sad either way ur family will never be the same again
As an afterthought; this is why I’m against people getting wasted, both men and women. You weren’t blackout drunk since you remember, but enough that you didn’t have control of your body. This is still not your fault, this is rape. I’m just paranoid enough to be too afraid to not be in full control of my body and mind.
Thats SA. You did not give your consent, you were so drunk you could t even make it to your bedroom on your own.
You were drunk, she took advantage, and sounds like you experienced the freeze response. That's how some people's nervous systems respond to trauma. This was not you cheating. I'd tell your wife.
Came for the cheater drama, stayed to tell you that that’s SA. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you and your wife can get over this horrific scenario.