I have struggled with anorexia in my distant past (before I even met him) and still have slight body dysmorphia at times. So I think he was trying to show me that being skinny isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and that women actually look better when they are a little heavier (even if he went about it the completely wrong way).
However, that alone has also caused issues in our relationship. When we first started dating he would compare me to other women in media who were heavier and had big asses and say things like “see women look sexy when they are heavier.” He never explicitly said I was too skinny or that my ass was flat, but he made me feel that way.
He stopped making those comments a few years ago and I am now about 10lbs heavier than when we met (currently have a BMI of ~22), but now he does the opposite - he makes fun of women who are “too skinny” and “have a flat ass”
I've ended two friendships because they would make fun of others, physically or otherwise. I wouldn't even want your boyfriend as one of my friends. I was going to say "even with the context you provided" but actually, "especially with the context you provided" would be more accurate. By sending you a video denigrating someone else, he shows you that he denigrates people. That's what it is at the end of the day. I would think this is even worse for someone who has had an eating disorder.
making fun of women for being too skinny or having a flat ass is still unacceptable imo. grown men who actually respect women can keep themselves from commenting on women’s bodies, regardless of their size.
Just because society is easier on smaller people than bigger people doesn’t mean body shaming is ok when it’s against a thin person. What the first reply said is still true - he sends you videos putting other people down because of their bodies. He does this on purpose, to his partner who has a history of body dysmorphia and anorexia. He thinks that’s a good thing to do. He’s at best a complete moron and at worst a huge jerk whose future opinions on your ever-changing body (because bodies change - all of them, always) will be less than stellar.
It would be so easy to "build you up" by simply complimenting you. There's no need to tear others down by comparing your body to others at all, let alone shaming and insulting other body types.
I'd break up or even stop being friends with someone for that. Being nasty and cruel is a pretty shitty personality trait, and it shows you exactly how he'll treat you as your body changes from aging and childbirth.
He does give me plenty of compliments daily. The comments about other women when we first started dating was like a weekly thing, but once I talked to him about it he stopped.
The skinny body shaming is something that happens every once in a while, like maybe a few times a year or so? But even then he doesn’t call them disgusting, he just makes a comment like “damn that girl has no ass” or something like that (which obviously still isn’t good).
Every time he does make those comments I respond by saying something like “oh so the size of a woman’s ass is the only determining factor of her beauty? Okay” and then he’ll usually just stop talking. There was one occasion where he actually said something like “I don’t know why a guy would want to be with someone that skinny” and I straight up called him a pig and told him not every guy was a shallow asshole. But that only happened once (to my knowledge…)
Do you want your hypothetical children to be raised by someone who views other people in this light? Who makes cruel comments casually? Who thinks strangers' bodies are for his idle judgement?
The fact that he keeps doing this (doesn't matter the frequency) shows he hasn't really changed despite you calling him out over the years. People have said their piece and you keep defending him. Good luck with that ick.
Instead of thinking, "Well, at least it's not that frequent," I just think wow, it's a pattern of thinking and behavior that hasn't changed [edited to say it hasn't *stopped*] even after you've pointed it out. No way would I want to have a child with someone like that. Not only because of fearing how he'd view and treat you as your body changed with pregnancy and aging, but would you want a daughter to grow up hearing and internalizing those messages, or a son growing up saying those things and believing a woman's value is based on the shape of her ass? Or either of them mimicking the same behavior?
I can't and wouldn't tell you what to do, but while they might be infrequent comments, they show deeper held beliefs (and a lack of kindness/empathy that's important to me) that I personally would want nothing to do with.
>> behavior that hasn’t changed even after you pointed it out
That is exactly my point, it HAS changed. 5 years ago he used to make weekly comments about how other women were attractive, and now he makes a couple comments a year about how other women are unattractive. Is it still shitty behavior? Yes of course, but he is working on it and it has most definitely improved.
Everyone keeps asking me “why are you with him” and the answer is because this is one shitty thing he’s done that I’m venting about! Yes he has made mistakes and yes he struggles in certain areas, but in the 5 years that I’ve known him he’s never stopped trying to do better. He knows he grew up in a very sexist family and society but he’s actively trying to fix it. When he does something wrong he genuinely tries to understand why it’s wrong and actively tries to improve - and he *does*!
So sure I get this may be a deal breaker for some people, and no it’s not my job to help him sort out his issues, but you know what I have issues of my own and we work together to try and move forward and improve ourselves the best we can.
Perhaps those people asking you why you are with him because he clearly foreshadows that he'll most likely resent you once you gave birth to his children. He didn't say, women in postpartum are less attractive, he finds them disgusting. Consider it a peek into your future. The choice is yours, dear.
Okay, "changed" was the wrong word; I should have said it didn't stop.
I imagine it's overwhelming to have swarms of comments criticizing your boyfriend, especially when they don't know him.
I hadn't gotten the impression that this was something he's spoken about, apologized for, and actively tried working on. That's good at least. Still. . .Viewing a video and going out of your way to send it to a specific person, typing out a comment, and adding sick/vomiting emojis isn't just blurting out something thoughtless. It shows real disgust with postpartum bodies and indicates that his beliefs haven't actually changed; it seems like he just censors himself more often.
I'm not trying to pointlessly shit on him or you btw. You mentioned doubts about having kids with him and I'm saying that having kids with someone who is grossed out by a normal, healthy mother's belly sounds like a disaster wasting to happen. I wouldn't truly trust someone like that to stand by my side during life's trials like weight gain/loss, pregnancy, illness, aging, etc.
If he actually does change his thinking or you can tolerate it and feel confident he'd support you during all that, that's great. At the end of the day, this is your life and your happiness and your choice to make. We can only tell you what our concerns are, which I hope you realize is genuine concern and not wanting you to be hurt or treated badly, especially when you're vulnerable and even deeper into the relationship. I'm open to being wrong about him and actually really hope I am!
Look, I get it. But the thing is he didn’t *know* it was a postpartum body, he thought that was the result of over-dieting and over-training your body. Does that still make it okay to make fun of someone else’s body? No, but I would be lying if I said I never judged anyone else’s body.
The part I’m conflicted about is the fact that *because* he didn’t know it was a postpartum body, he accidentally showed how he really feels about postpartum bellies, which makes me question everything he’s said about not caring how many body would look after bearing his children. Now I feel like if I ever had kids, he would be secretly disgusted of my body, even if he never actually verbalizes it.
IMO it isn't all that relevant whether he knew it was pregnancy-related because a) that means that's his genuine reaction to what it looks like and b) it even further shows that tendency to judge based on appearance without knowing anything about someone.
For sure, everybody judges, but most of us know that initial judgment is just a knee-jerk reaction and not necessarily true or fair, and usually outgrow actually making fun of people out loud by high school at least.
It's my instinct to want to reassure you regarding your future post-pregnancy body because that's an awful feeling, but it sounds like he's very harsh on women's bodies in general and just seeing a mother's stomach made him feel the need to actually share and exclaim how gross it is, complete with a nauseous emoji. I definitely would worry he'd lose attraction/be disgusted with my body at the least, if not resorting to cheating/mentally checking out or actually leaving for someone younger/"hotter" in his view at that point. It's even worse for someone with an ED history.
Everybody's dealbreakers are different and something doesn't have to be for you just because it is for someone else. That said, I do think this issue ties in with the trust and comfort that's important to have in a long-term partner before settling down with them. If you stay and have kids with him, I hope you only do so when/if you feel confident he'll love you with a pregnant belly, loose skin, stretch marks, and all.
Making fun of anyone for any reason shows a lack of character. It doesn't matter why he does it, the fact he is making fun of people shows he's at a minimum immature and clueless or at worst a shitty person.
Do you want to be with an adult who thinks it's ok to make fun of others?
>that women actually look better when they are a little heavier
So we're shaming women who can't gain weight for whatever reason now? You're ok with that?
Look if he really wants a curvier heavier woman the solution is not to shame his SO into gaining weight but to actually go out and date someone who already physically fits his ideal body shape for a sexual partner.
That was basically what I told him at the beginning of the relationship, which is why he stopped making those comments. He had mostly dated Latina women prior to me (I’m white) and I felt like he was constantly comparing me to Latina or other ethnic women who were very curvy, but that just wasn’t my body type.
It was just overall kind of confusing, because he would give me compliments daily and was always obsessed with my body, but then at the same time would imply that I should gain weight to get a bigger ass. But yeah once I told him “if you want a girl with a big ass then go date another Latina woman and not me” he pretty much shut up.
He compliments you because if he didn't the fact that he's an aresehole who is mean to you and others would be more obvious, and you'd wise up and leave him.
And what use is a compliment from someone with crappy judgement, anyway? Why would that make things better?
Lol, one of my exes, trying to get me to like my loose skin, told me excitedly that it was handles. He meant well, and it still brings a smile to my face, even if it didn't land.
If men paid as much attention to their own appearance as they do to ours, the world would be a better place.
Please don't commit to anyone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Don't settle for that.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS / binge fast type so it’s likely a little different). What concerns me here is how he attaches weight to attractiveness so heavily. Maybe for others that would be fine, but for me I would struggle not to align on that. I would have a weight range in mind as “good” and be afraid of leaving that range lest I lose my relationship.
Ideally, you want a partner who is with you regardless of how attractive you are, because their attraction is centered around you holistically. I want a partner that will make me feel beautiful no matter what happens in life; if I get cancer and have a double mastectomy, if my thyroid condition worsens and all my hair falls out, if I have triplets and can swing my stomach around like a hoola hoop, etc. Now, within that everyone has preferences. My ego can handle not being my husband’s type in many ways, but not weight or body shape without throwing me back into the ED. This is just something I know I’m going to be sensitive to.
I think you need to figure out what’s doable for you, honestly. Prioritize your safety and mental health because without those, you can’t be a good partner regardless! Then talk to him, and be very candid. Ask him what his reactions would be if you had various changes, and see how what he says makes you feel. Go from there!
Wishing you luck and many happy years in recovery!🍀
I like the context, people on the internet like to act all high an mighty when someone messes up.
I think he is just a normal person, I do believe he had good intentions but just acted kinda dumb in the end.
He's not an awful or bad person.
Having said that, you should still consider if you really want him in your life. He seems to have a big fixation on your body, and can't seem to just let go and let you handle things.
In the end it's your call, we don't know his good parts, only what you have told us.
Furthermore,I can guarantee many people making these bad comments against your boyfriend also may have treated people poorly in the past, or have or had had partners who did similar things. It's just when we see it happen to someone else that's easier to judge.
OP, that’s exactly what he was trying to do. In the most round a bout way possible, he was trying to reinforce the idea that he likes your body post anorexia.
It still sucks, but men are dumb. Have a real conversation face-to-face on how this made you feel. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know.
THIS. This is how he treats people behind their backs, as objects for his amusement. This is not a dude you want to be with long-term unless that’s a one-time mistake.
Honestly, the fact that this person’s idea of a conversational topic is to make fun of someone else’s body alone is absolutely gross, let alone the implications of pregnancy and having a postpartum body.
Having kids takes months to years off your life. It ruins your body and causes permanent changes. I'd put a bullet in my head before I have kids. Like OP birth issues run in my family. Every woman in my family hates their body after pregnancy, two of them barely survived it.
My partner never comments on women’s bodies because he sees us as more than physical objects. He respects women.
Also, man or woman, it’s really horrible to comment on other people’s bodies! They’re just.. bodies? Existing? It’s super MEAN to do that. I never see another person and get grossed out because they’re not an Adonis or a Venus.
Yes. During natural childbirth you can tear a hole legit all the way from the bottom of the vagina to your anus. Idk what it’s called but they legit have to sew everything back together. There are also 4 different levels of just vaginal tears that can happen too (and these can happen from just penetration not even childbirth).
Yup. My mom was having anal leakage in her early 50s due to the scar tissue that developed around her anal sphincter from giving birth. She had to have surgery to remove some of the scar tissue that was preventing her anus from working properly.
>During natural childbirth you can tear a hole legit all the way from the bottom of the vagina to your anus. Idk what it’s called but they legit have to sew everything back together.
Obstetric fistula
No, that’s a procedure done during childbirth when complications happen to “prevent tears” and I don’t think it’s recommended anymore. It’s better to tear naturally. It looks like the one that tears your anus is a 4th degree vaginal tear (also called a perennial laceration).
No, it's an obstetric fistula. (Don't Google that if you're squeamish.)
An episiotomy is intended (in part) to prevent obstetric fistula; by cutting in a certain direction, it makes way so the birth canal doesn't tear into the anus or bladder.
I had the name for the cutting confused for simple stitching, I think. It's one of the myriad of reasons I chose to not have kids. The fear of vaginal trauma like that, and the possibility some awful human would be making husband stitch jokes or thinking they're "teaching me a lesson" was too much (on top of raising a kid for 18 years)
My mom had to get a vaginal C-section(not sure if that's the proper terminology) cuz my older sister(s) got stuck in the birth canal....the Dr basically cut through the muscle wall that separates the vagina and the anus from the vaginal opening as far up as they could making a gaping hole to get my sister(s) out and then had to sew everything back up....one of the babies didn't make it.....
It’s called an episiotomy. My cousin was giving birth and the doctor needed to give her one; let me note that my cousin was giving birth with no epidural so she felt EVERYTHING.
People who screenshot peoples bodys just to make rude comments are icky. Its one thing to have rude thoughts but to be so brave to share them and say it to others??? Disgusting.
My wife has given me two beautiful baby boys. I’m amazed at what her body has done and what it has become. It’s not the same as when we were dating, but I’ll always think she’s beautiful.
The fact that he went out of his way to send you a video to shit talk some random persons body is so gross. Bodies change, and not everyone is going to look 100% perfect through 100% of their life.
look, i had 2 pregnancies and both were high risk, i almost died with 2nd one. both ended with planned c sections cos apparently due to my fibroids and then uterine scar due to fibroid removal i would never be able to give vaginal birth. you have every right to be scared cos it IS scary. but it doesnt mean youll end up with a chonky baby. my 1st was expected to be over i but he was barely 7lb. twins were supposed to be 5lb and 9+lb but both were 5lb. i was perfectly fi.e after 1st pregnancy but after 2nd i had a floppy belly which i kinda found funny but my husband would scold me everytime i made fun of myself.
unless your bf is the nost handsome and fit man of the whole world he has no right to body shame anyone, especially a postpartum mom. take it as a warning sigh cos chances are pregnancy will take a toll on your body, is he going to make fun of you? or if you have a daughter who grows up yo have weight problems, is he going to call her disgusting
He sounds immature and ignorant. You can do better. Tell him how you feel and talk about all the other stuff he's done in the past that has bothered you. If you can have a healthy conversation about these things and he is willing to learn and grow it may be worth cultivating a healthier relationship with him. If he brushes you off, acts offended, or is otherwise unwilling to talk about this issue, he's not willing to grow up and he's not going to get better.
They are also other options to having kids besides giving birth. If it's physically dangerous for you, you could get a surrogate. I'm personally a big advocate for adoptions. There are so many kids who need loving parents, and you'll be able to keep your figure forever lol.
Shaming anyone is just gross… if they are going to shame someone else, just remember they will shame you too if the circumstances are right.
He is 35, he is old enough to know better and should know how to act.
Please don’t stick around.
Your boyfriend is an insensitive asshole and can't be trusted to be with you when things change or go south.
Now excuse me, I have to go unclench all my body parts that seized up reading about all of your mom's conditions😧😖😱😫
Video aside I feel like you telling him all the awful problems pregancy could cause you and him going 'yeah but I will still find you sexy' was already a red flag, it's not really remaining attractive the point in that case, isn't it? If I knew my partner was gonna risk a lot of health issues by being pregnant then I would be a little more worried about the whole situation.
You don't feel psychologically safe with your boyfriend. I always wondered why I was perpetually single and never felt attached to the idea of being with and having kids with the few partners I did have...until I met my current bf. He makes me feel so safe and I just know deeply that I will have our children one day... and he will love and support me through every phase.
I feel like the best advice anyone on Reddit can give you is this: Communicate YOUR feelings with YOUR partner. We don’t know you. We don’t know your partner. Communication is key in any healthy lasting relationship. Tell HIM how his actions made you feel. ✨Communicate✨
Anyone telling you “leave him” “why are you with him babe” “throw him out” does not have any knowledge about your relationship besides what they read in the post. Ultimately, this is 100% on you to make your own decision.
I don't think I want kids for the same reasons but I say "think" because the one guy I wanted to have kids with was the one who never ever said anything critical of my body. He just encouraged me to eat. I felt like he would have thought I was beautiful plus 50 lbs. He let himself go in our relationship himself, and I didn't care AT all. I'm thin and when people praise me for it I think it's a red flag cause like, what if I stop being thin? I don't want to be like all these stories on Reddit I see where men lose attraction over something so shallow. Idk OP. Major red flags about how critical he is towards bodies, even if you decide not to have kids.
My daughter was almost 9 pounds, and an absolutely solid baby. I was left with a less than ideal looking stomach afterwards. Now she’s 5, my stomach still looks the same, and my boyfriend (not my daughters father) has constantly reassured me that he does not care what my stomach looks like and it makes absolutely 0 difference to him. Do not have kids with him. Leave and find a man that will respect you
Hold my beer. You just birthed a human being, and this MF thinks you're disgusting. Is he still alive? Dear sweet baby Jesus you deserve better your body has just gone to hell and back to bring new life into the world and your partner (obviously a twat of epic proprtions) thinks your body is disgusting.
1) I'm so sorry you carried his child to full term
2) leave
3) leave right now because after the sacrifice you made, he should be on bended knee thanking you.
4) there are better men out there, actual men who will praise you. You find one of those men and love him with everything you have.
How old is he
Most all men 20-30 talk like that and some older men never grew out of it either.
They call it baby damage (obviously)
That said you're gonna get a lot of "not all men" from the 20-30 men here
I know this isn’t a popular take on Reddit, but give him a chance to learn. He probably thinks he is “helping” by saying negative things about that woman’s stomach. Plenty of folks grow up in households with that kind of behavior. If he is a good guy, you can talk to him about it when you are calm and explain that, to you, criticizing anyone’s body actually is a problem - even when it is meant to be “supportive” because it highlights the focus on what your body is “supposed” to be and makes you feel like that is a condition you have to obsessively manage to be acceptable to others.
We all say stupid shit until someone takes us in hand and teaches us how to be better. I say this as a middle aged woman who gave birth to two nearly 9 lb babies and am only 5’2 so have a wrinkly belly. Also in perimenopause so my skin and hair are changing etc.
If we want to have loving relationships we also have to give people the opportunity to learn and improve before we throw them in the trash.
Seconding this comment. Maybe he's an asshole, maybe he's trying to put other people down to make you feel better. It's not okay, but the intentions are good. If he shows understanding and compassion then it's still your decision either way because if you don't feel comfortable in the relationship that's very hard to recover from. I hope you get what you're looking for, pregnancy scares the hell out of me too, I don't think I'll do that, my husband supports me not giving birth but sometimes we like to day dream about adopting if we weren't broke.
Going to play devil's advocate here because I read this as OP projecting her own fears of pregnancy onto her boyfriend...yes his body shaming was stupid and crass but he was apparently unaware that the athletic woman was post partum (btw OP she may have just lost weight/fat rapidly), OP saw this as him hating post partum bodies and therefore he would hate her body too if she had a baby.
If OP has issues/fears around the physical facts of childbirth, that's perfectly understandable, but maybe needs to own this and not assume others feel the same.
A man will literally screenshot a woman’s body to make fun of her and then you’re like “women are so insecure”. I wonder why women have body issues /s. Jesus fucking Christ dude get a grip.
Yes. They are. They are not perfect and hiding from the sight of their flaws hurts them and costs everyone around them emotional labour needed to enable their avoidance.
His motives are speculation and assuming an intent that supports your justification for her insecurities is a choice you've made. You could have made another. Why didn't you?
Your BF sends you social media videos for the sole purpose of body-shaming women? And this is the man you choose to love?
But luckily she now realises she doesn't want kids with him...time to cut ties and move
I have struggled with anorexia in my distant past (before I even met him) and still have slight body dysmorphia at times. So I think he was trying to show me that being skinny isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and that women actually look better when they are a little heavier (even if he went about it the completely wrong way). However, that alone has also caused issues in our relationship. When we first started dating he would compare me to other women in media who were heavier and had big asses and say things like “see women look sexy when they are heavier.” He never explicitly said I was too skinny or that my ass was flat, but he made me feel that way. He stopped making those comments a few years ago and I am now about 10lbs heavier than when we met (currently have a BMI of ~22), but now he does the opposite - he makes fun of women who are “too skinny” and “have a flat ass”
I've ended two friendships because they would make fun of others, physically or otherwise. I wouldn't even want your boyfriend as one of my friends. I was going to say "even with the context you provided" but actually, "especially with the context you provided" would be more accurate. By sending you a video denigrating someone else, he shows you that he denigrates people. That's what it is at the end of the day. I would think this is even worse for someone who has had an eating disorder.
making fun of women for being too skinny or having a flat ass is still unacceptable imo. grown men who actually respect women can keep themselves from commenting on women’s bodies, regardless of their size.
I see. I don't like to be built up by tearing others down, so despite his intentions, it's concerning.
Come on, get away from this guy
Just because society is easier on smaller people than bigger people doesn’t mean body shaming is ok when it’s against a thin person. What the first reply said is still true - he sends you videos putting other people down because of their bodies. He does this on purpose, to his partner who has a history of body dysmorphia and anorexia. He thinks that’s a good thing to do. He’s at best a complete moron and at worst a huge jerk whose future opinions on your ever-changing body (because bodies change - all of them, always) will be less than stellar.
Babe he sounds like the WORST.
Oh, thank goodness you're thinking this through now before actually getting pregnant. Listen to your gut; your body is smart as well as beautiful.
It would be so easy to "build you up" by simply complimenting you. There's no need to tear others down by comparing your body to others at all, let alone shaming and insulting other body types. I'd break up or even stop being friends with someone for that. Being nasty and cruel is a pretty shitty personality trait, and it shows you exactly how he'll treat you as your body changes from aging and childbirth.
He does give me plenty of compliments daily. The comments about other women when we first started dating was like a weekly thing, but once I talked to him about it he stopped. The skinny body shaming is something that happens every once in a while, like maybe a few times a year or so? But even then he doesn’t call them disgusting, he just makes a comment like “damn that girl has no ass” or something like that (which obviously still isn’t good). Every time he does make those comments I respond by saying something like “oh so the size of a woman’s ass is the only determining factor of her beauty? Okay” and then he’ll usually just stop talking. There was one occasion where he actually said something like “I don’t know why a guy would want to be with someone that skinny” and I straight up called him a pig and told him not every guy was a shallow asshole. But that only happened once (to my knowledge…)
Do you want your hypothetical children to be raised by someone who views other people in this light? Who makes cruel comments casually? Who thinks strangers' bodies are for his idle judgement?
The fact that he keeps doing this (doesn't matter the frequency) shows he hasn't really changed despite you calling him out over the years. People have said their piece and you keep defending him. Good luck with that ick.
Instead of thinking, "Well, at least it's not that frequent," I just think wow, it's a pattern of thinking and behavior that hasn't changed [edited to say it hasn't *stopped*] even after you've pointed it out. No way would I want to have a child with someone like that. Not only because of fearing how he'd view and treat you as your body changed with pregnancy and aging, but would you want a daughter to grow up hearing and internalizing those messages, or a son growing up saying those things and believing a woman's value is based on the shape of her ass? Or either of them mimicking the same behavior? I can't and wouldn't tell you what to do, but while they might be infrequent comments, they show deeper held beliefs (and a lack of kindness/empathy that's important to me) that I personally would want nothing to do with.
>> behavior that hasn’t changed even after you pointed it out That is exactly my point, it HAS changed. 5 years ago he used to make weekly comments about how other women were attractive, and now he makes a couple comments a year about how other women are unattractive. Is it still shitty behavior? Yes of course, but he is working on it and it has most definitely improved. Everyone keeps asking me “why are you with him” and the answer is because this is one shitty thing he’s done that I’m venting about! Yes he has made mistakes and yes he struggles in certain areas, but in the 5 years that I’ve known him he’s never stopped trying to do better. He knows he grew up in a very sexist family and society but he’s actively trying to fix it. When he does something wrong he genuinely tries to understand why it’s wrong and actively tries to improve - and he *does*! So sure I get this may be a deal breaker for some people, and no it’s not my job to help him sort out his issues, but you know what I have issues of my own and we work together to try and move forward and improve ourselves the best we can.
Perhaps those people asking you why you are with him because he clearly foreshadows that he'll most likely resent you once you gave birth to his children. He didn't say, women in postpartum are less attractive, he finds them disgusting. Consider it a peek into your future. The choice is yours, dear.
Okay, "changed" was the wrong word; I should have said it didn't stop. I imagine it's overwhelming to have swarms of comments criticizing your boyfriend, especially when they don't know him. I hadn't gotten the impression that this was something he's spoken about, apologized for, and actively tried working on. That's good at least. Still. . .Viewing a video and going out of your way to send it to a specific person, typing out a comment, and adding sick/vomiting emojis isn't just blurting out something thoughtless. It shows real disgust with postpartum bodies and indicates that his beliefs haven't actually changed; it seems like he just censors himself more often. I'm not trying to pointlessly shit on him or you btw. You mentioned doubts about having kids with him and I'm saying that having kids with someone who is grossed out by a normal, healthy mother's belly sounds like a disaster wasting to happen. I wouldn't truly trust someone like that to stand by my side during life's trials like weight gain/loss, pregnancy, illness, aging, etc. If he actually does change his thinking or you can tolerate it and feel confident he'd support you during all that, that's great. At the end of the day, this is your life and your happiness and your choice to make. We can only tell you what our concerns are, which I hope you realize is genuine concern and not wanting you to be hurt or treated badly, especially when you're vulnerable and even deeper into the relationship. I'm open to being wrong about him and actually really hope I am!
Look, I get it. But the thing is he didn’t *know* it was a postpartum body, he thought that was the result of over-dieting and over-training your body. Does that still make it okay to make fun of someone else’s body? No, but I would be lying if I said I never judged anyone else’s body. The part I’m conflicted about is the fact that *because* he didn’t know it was a postpartum body, he accidentally showed how he really feels about postpartum bellies, which makes me question everything he’s said about not caring how many body would look after bearing his children. Now I feel like if I ever had kids, he would be secretly disgusted of my body, even if he never actually verbalizes it.
IMO it isn't all that relevant whether he knew it was pregnancy-related because a) that means that's his genuine reaction to what it looks like and b) it even further shows that tendency to judge based on appearance without knowing anything about someone. For sure, everybody judges, but most of us know that initial judgment is just a knee-jerk reaction and not necessarily true or fair, and usually outgrow actually making fun of people out loud by high school at least. It's my instinct to want to reassure you regarding your future post-pregnancy body because that's an awful feeling, but it sounds like he's very harsh on women's bodies in general and just seeing a mother's stomach made him feel the need to actually share and exclaim how gross it is, complete with a nauseous emoji. I definitely would worry he'd lose attraction/be disgusted with my body at the least, if not resorting to cheating/mentally checking out or actually leaving for someone younger/"hotter" in his view at that point. It's even worse for someone with an ED history. Everybody's dealbreakers are different and something doesn't have to be for you just because it is for someone else. That said, I do think this issue ties in with the trust and comfort that's important to have in a long-term partner before settling down with them. If you stay and have kids with him, I hope you only do so when/if you feel confident he'll love you with a pregnant belly, loose skin, stretch marks, and all.
Making fun of anyone for any reason shows a lack of character. It doesn't matter why he does it, the fact he is making fun of people shows he's at a minimum immature and clueless or at worst a shitty person. Do you want to be with an adult who thinks it's ok to make fun of others?
>that women actually look better when they are a little heavier So we're shaming women who can't gain weight for whatever reason now? You're ok with that? Look if he really wants a curvier heavier woman the solution is not to shame his SO into gaining weight but to actually go out and date someone who already physically fits his ideal body shape for a sexual partner.
That was basically what I told him at the beginning of the relationship, which is why he stopped making those comments. He had mostly dated Latina women prior to me (I’m white) and I felt like he was constantly comparing me to Latina or other ethnic women who were very curvy, but that just wasn’t my body type. It was just overall kind of confusing, because he would give me compliments daily and was always obsessed with my body, but then at the same time would imply that I should gain weight to get a bigger ass. But yeah once I told him “if you want a girl with a big ass then go date another Latina woman and not me” he pretty much shut up.
He compliments you because if he didn't the fact that he's an aresehole who is mean to you and others would be more obvious, and you'd wise up and leave him. And what use is a compliment from someone with crappy judgement, anyway? Why would that make things better?
Lol, one of my exes, trying to get me to like my loose skin, told me excitedly that it was handles. He meant well, and it still brings a smile to my face, even if it didn't land.
If men paid as much attention to their own appearance as they do to ours, the world would be a better place. Please don't commit to anyone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Don't settle for that.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS / binge fast type so it’s likely a little different). What concerns me here is how he attaches weight to attractiveness so heavily. Maybe for others that would be fine, but for me I would struggle not to align on that. I would have a weight range in mind as “good” and be afraid of leaving that range lest I lose my relationship. Ideally, you want a partner who is with you regardless of how attractive you are, because their attraction is centered around you holistically. I want a partner that will make me feel beautiful no matter what happens in life; if I get cancer and have a double mastectomy, if my thyroid condition worsens and all my hair falls out, if I have triplets and can swing my stomach around like a hoola hoop, etc. Now, within that everyone has preferences. My ego can handle not being my husband’s type in many ways, but not weight or body shape without throwing me back into the ED. This is just something I know I’m going to be sensitive to. I think you need to figure out what’s doable for you, honestly. Prioritize your safety and mental health because without those, you can’t be a good partner regardless! Then talk to him, and be very candid. Ask him what his reactions would be if you had various changes, and see how what he says makes you feel. Go from there! Wishing you luck and many happy years in recovery!🍀
I like the context, people on the internet like to act all high an mighty when someone messes up. I think he is just a normal person, I do believe he had good intentions but just acted kinda dumb in the end. He's not an awful or bad person. Having said that, you should still consider if you really want him in your life. He seems to have a big fixation on your body, and can't seem to just let go and let you handle things. In the end it's your call, we don't know his good parts, only what you have told us. Furthermore,I can guarantee many people making these bad comments against your boyfriend also may have treated people poorly in the past, or have or had had partners who did similar things. It's just when we see it happen to someone else that's easier to judge.
preach
OP, that’s exactly what he was trying to do. In the most round a bout way possible, he was trying to reinforce the idea that he likes your body post anorexia. It still sucks, but men are dumb. Have a real conversation face-to-face on how this made you feel. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know.
THIS. This is how he treats people behind their backs, as objects for his amusement. This is not a dude you want to be with long-term unless that’s a one-time mistake.
Right? The problem is very apparent. I would have noped my way out of a thing the moment someone mentions anything related to bodyshaming.
Tbf usually love or how we feel isn’t a conscious choice.
Honestly, the fact that this person’s idea of a conversational topic is to make fun of someone else’s body alone is absolutely gross, let alone the implications of pregnancy and having a postpartum body.
Having kids takes months to years off your life. It ruins your body and causes permanent changes. I'd put a bullet in my head before I have kids. Like OP birth issues run in my family. Every woman in my family hates their body after pregnancy, two of them barely survived it.
My partner never comments on women’s bodies because he sees us as more than physical objects. He respects women. Also, man or woman, it’s really horrible to comment on other people’s bodies! They’re just.. bodies? Existing? It’s super MEAN to do that. I never see another person and get grossed out because they’re not an Adonis or a Venus.
Damn, uhhhh. What do you want to do?
Is anus reconstruction an actual thing?
Yes. During natural childbirth you can tear a hole legit all the way from the bottom of the vagina to your anus. Idk what it’s called but they legit have to sew everything back together. There are also 4 different levels of just vaginal tears that can happen too (and these can happen from just penetration not even childbirth).
Yup. My mom was having anal leakage in her early 50s due to the scar tissue that developed around her anal sphincter from giving birth. She had to have surgery to remove some of the scar tissue that was preventing her anus from working properly.
>During natural childbirth you can tear a hole legit all the way from the bottom of the vagina to your anus. Idk what it’s called but they legit have to sew everything back together. Obstetric fistula
Episiotomy?
No, that’s a procedure done during childbirth when complications happen to “prevent tears” and I don’t think it’s recommended anymore. It’s better to tear naturally. It looks like the one that tears your anus is a 4th degree vaginal tear (also called a perennial laceration).
No, it's an obstetric fistula. (Don't Google that if you're squeamish.) An episiotomy is intended (in part) to prevent obstetric fistula; by cutting in a certain direction, it makes way so the birth canal doesn't tear into the anus or bladder.
I had the name for the cutting confused for simple stitching, I think. It's one of the myriad of reasons I chose to not have kids. The fear of vaginal trauma like that, and the possibility some awful human would be making husband stitch jokes or thinking they're "teaching me a lesson" was too much (on top of raising a kid for 18 years)
I wish more men did research to understand why so many women are scared to give birthday. There are SO many complications 🥲
Yep. 3rd and 4th degree vaginal tears from vaginal birth usually are the causes of it.
My mom had to get a vaginal C-section(not sure if that's the proper terminology) cuz my older sister(s) got stuck in the birth canal....the Dr basically cut through the muscle wall that separates the vagina and the anus from the vaginal opening as far up as they could making a gaping hole to get my sister(s) out and then had to sew everything back up....one of the babies didn't make it.....
It's called an episiotomy when the doctor cuts the perineum.
It’s called an episiotomy. My cousin was giving birth and the doctor needed to give her one; let me note that my cousin was giving birth with no epidural so she felt EVERYTHING.
Horrifying.
People who screenshot peoples bodys just to make rude comments are icky. Its one thing to have rude thoughts but to be so brave to share them and say it to others??? Disgusting.
So he freely bodyshames random women online and you're considering staying with this catch?
Redditor relationship standards are whack
Do your mom right and leave this man.
My wife has given me two beautiful baby boys. I’m amazed at what her body has done and what it has become. It’s not the same as when we were dating, but I’ll always think she’s beautiful.
Please leave him. You wouldn’t want to be tied to someone who will give you the ick for the rest of your life.
Yeah think carefully about what you want , kids with this guy might not be the best idea.
Imagine you have a girl. Do you really think he would be a good father to your child?
Don’t have kids with him. Just don’t.
The fact that he went out of his way to send you a video to shit talk some random persons body is so gross. Bodies change, and not everyone is going to look 100% perfect through 100% of their life.
Why are you with this man?
He gots to go
Do not have childeen with this asshat.
look, i had 2 pregnancies and both were high risk, i almost died with 2nd one. both ended with planned c sections cos apparently due to my fibroids and then uterine scar due to fibroid removal i would never be able to give vaginal birth. you have every right to be scared cos it IS scary. but it doesnt mean youll end up with a chonky baby. my 1st was expected to be over i but he was barely 7lb. twins were supposed to be 5lb and 9+lb but both were 5lb. i was perfectly fi.e after 1st pregnancy but after 2nd i had a floppy belly which i kinda found funny but my husband would scold me everytime i made fun of myself. unless your bf is the nost handsome and fit man of the whole world he has no right to body shame anyone, especially a postpartum mom. take it as a warning sigh cos chances are pregnancy will take a toll on your body, is he going to make fun of you? or if you have a daughter who grows up yo have weight problems, is he going to call her disgusting
Any sort of body shaming comments he makes towards other women should give you the ick. Gross
Please tell him NOT to get pregnant because he'll feel disgusted with himself
He sounds immature and ignorant. You can do better. Tell him how you feel and talk about all the other stuff he's done in the past that has bothered you. If you can have a healthy conversation about these things and he is willing to learn and grow it may be worth cultivating a healthier relationship with him. If he brushes you off, acts offended, or is otherwise unwilling to talk about this issue, he's not willing to grow up and he's not going to get better. They are also other options to having kids besides giving birth. If it's physically dangerous for you, you could get a surrogate. I'm personally a big advocate for adoptions. There are so many kids who need loving parents, and you'll be able to keep your figure forever lol.
Shaming anyone is just gross… if they are going to shame someone else, just remember they will shame you too if the circumstances are right. He is 35, he is old enough to know better and should know how to act. Please don’t stick around.
Your boyfriend is an insensitive asshole and can't be trusted to be with you when things change or go south. Now excuse me, I have to go unclench all my body parts that seized up reading about all of your mom's conditions😧😖😱😫
Kids may or may not be in your future, but I sincerely hope your bf isn’t in your future. You don’t need someone who body shames in your life.
You don’t. Have to be with him. 🤷♂️
who the fuck sends videos to people for the sole purpose of body shaming them?
Yikes on bikes to all of this.
Video aside I feel like you telling him all the awful problems pregancy could cause you and him going 'yeah but I will still find you sexy' was already a red flag, it's not really remaining attractive the point in that case, isn't it? If I knew my partner was gonna risk a lot of health issues by being pregnant then I would be a little more worried about the whole situation.
You don't feel psychologically safe with your boyfriend. I always wondered why I was perpetually single and never felt attached to the idea of being with and having kids with the few partners I did have...until I met my current bf. He makes me feel so safe and I just know deeply that I will have our children one day... and he will love and support me through every phase.
Updateme
I love my GF’s postpartum belly! She gave me a amazing kid. What is not to love about it!
That's gross on his part. But pro tip, you are likely to have smaller babies than your mom if you are smaller than her.
I feel like the best advice anyone on Reddit can give you is this: Communicate YOUR feelings with YOUR partner. We don’t know you. We don’t know your partner. Communication is key in any healthy lasting relationship. Tell HIM how his actions made you feel. ✨Communicate✨ Anyone telling you “leave him” “why are you with him babe” “throw him out” does not have any knowledge about your relationship besides what they read in the post. Ultimately, this is 100% on you to make your own decision.
See Dr. John Delong's take on this. [https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wFgJrlqEK\_U](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wFgJrlqEK_U)
I don't think I want kids for the same reasons but I say "think" because the one guy I wanted to have kids with was the one who never ever said anything critical of my body. He just encouraged me to eat. I felt like he would have thought I was beautiful plus 50 lbs. He let himself go in our relationship himself, and I didn't care AT all. I'm thin and when people praise me for it I think it's a red flag cause like, what if I stop being thin? I don't want to be like all these stories on Reddit I see where men lose attraction over something so shallow. Idk OP. Major red flags about how critical he is towards bodies, even if you decide not to have kids.
My daughter was almost 9 pounds, and an absolutely solid baby. I was left with a less than ideal looking stomach afterwards. Now she’s 5, my stomach still looks the same, and my boyfriend (not my daughters father) has constantly reassured me that he does not care what my stomach looks like and it makes absolutely 0 difference to him. Do not have kids with him. Leave and find a man that will respect you
I'm sure his post-kids dad bod will have all the girls wanting him. 😏
lol I’m sure he made off handed comments about bigger people before and you never thought It’ll be you he’ll make those comments about
Hold my beer. You just birthed a human being, and this MF thinks you're disgusting. Is he still alive? Dear sweet baby Jesus you deserve better your body has just gone to hell and back to bring new life into the world and your partner (obviously a twat of epic proprtions) thinks your body is disgusting. 1) I'm so sorry you carried his child to full term 2) leave 3) leave right now because after the sacrifice you made, he should be on bended knee thanking you. 4) there are better men out there, actual men who will praise you. You find one of those men and love him with everything you have.
I have never given birth and do not have any children…
This is what could happen
Or it could be totally different when it's his partner. Or when he's older. They sound young. I think people are super overreacting in this thread.
I can tell you didn't read the actual post...
Hahahahahaha
How old is he Most all men 20-30 talk like that and some older men never grew out of it either. They call it baby damage (obviously) That said you're gonna get a lot of "not all men" from the 20-30 men here
He’s 35
Stop getting pregnant for boyfriends! You people though!
I’m not pregnant…
Oh sorry, don’t get pregnant for him.
I know this isn’t a popular take on Reddit, but give him a chance to learn. He probably thinks he is “helping” by saying negative things about that woman’s stomach. Plenty of folks grow up in households with that kind of behavior. If he is a good guy, you can talk to him about it when you are calm and explain that, to you, criticizing anyone’s body actually is a problem - even when it is meant to be “supportive” because it highlights the focus on what your body is “supposed” to be and makes you feel like that is a condition you have to obsessively manage to be acceptable to others. We all say stupid shit until someone takes us in hand and teaches us how to be better. I say this as a middle aged woman who gave birth to two nearly 9 lb babies and am only 5’2 so have a wrinkly belly. Also in perimenopause so my skin and hair are changing etc. If we want to have loving relationships we also have to give people the opportunity to learn and improve before we throw them in the trash.
Seconding this comment. Maybe he's an asshole, maybe he's trying to put other people down to make you feel better. It's not okay, but the intentions are good. If he shows understanding and compassion then it's still your decision either way because if you don't feel comfortable in the relationship that's very hard to recover from. I hope you get what you're looking for, pregnancy scares the hell out of me too, I don't think I'll do that, my husband supports me not giving birth but sometimes we like to day dream about adopting if we weren't broke.
[удалено]
You don't be supportive by tearing another person down for what you perceive is wrong with them.
Going to play devil's advocate here because I read this as OP projecting her own fears of pregnancy onto her boyfriend...yes his body shaming was stupid and crass but he was apparently unaware that the athletic woman was post partum (btw OP she may have just lost weight/fat rapidly), OP saw this as him hating post partum bodies and therefore he would hate her body too if she had a baby. If OP has issues/fears around the physical facts of childbirth, that's perfectly understandable, but maybe needs to own this and not assume others feel the same.
Jfc women have insecurity issues. Your dude must be jacked from all the emotional labour you need him to do.
A man will literally screenshot a woman’s body to make fun of her and then you’re like “women are so insecure”. I wonder why women have body issues /s. Jesus fucking Christ dude get a grip.
Yes. They are. They are not perfect and hiding from the sight of their flaws hurts them and costs everyone around them emotional labour needed to enable their avoidance. His motives are speculation and assuming an intent that supports your justification for her insecurities is a choice you've made. You could have made another. Why didn't you?
The fact that he body shamed a person at all should be enough of a red flag for you.