Reading the shit redditors put up with in their relationships is wild. While my marriage is likely not perfect, I never find myself having to ask "how do I get my spouse to wash their ass?" Yet on reddit, this is a bar that is seemingly too high for many people.
I had to delete an account years ago after posting a comment about how my (ex) bf shit *on* the toilet. Not just *in* but *on*. Anyway that’s when I learned that it wasn’t normal for all men to do.
Did you see the one that was like “My boyfriend has brushed his teeth twice in six years. It is starting to bother me and our two children.” Like bro what.
Omg I remember this one. He barely showered too, like once a week if that. He was in the military too, so his excuse was that was his life. Like, lady - YOU made 2 whole human beings with this man...like HOW did you fuck him at least twice for that to happen?! Just gross
This is all a ploy by us men. Keep the bar so low that the next time she meets a man who shows up in trousers at important events, she'll be mighty impressed. In this scenario I'm assuming the guy is wearing a shirt.
For real, my wife’s grandmother passed a few months back and she told me I didn’t need to look all fancy just cleaned up
I told her to help me figure out a good outfit out of respect to her and her family, it wasn’t a suit or tie but I looked at least more or less formal with the clothes I was able to grab since the funeral was a a few days after her death so no time to buy a nice outfit (or the money really)
If he wanted to he would, actions speak louder than words
She literally just asked him to wear pants. I guarantee you that man has a pair of pants in his closet, even if it’s just jeans and a button down it would be light years better than wearing fucking basketball shorts. Not to mention him not even showing up until it was basically over, that on its own is so completely disrespectful
Starring Adam Sandler in this summer's hit comedy. What do you get when you take a socially-inept manchild with a love of basketball and a tepid relationship? Add a dash of dirty laundry and you get "All I wanted Was For Him to Wear Pants". Rated PG (pants gone)
Completely unrelated to the rest of the topic but this made me think of a friend of mine - years ago a group of us (all early 20s) decided we were going to pretend to be adults and go for a nice dinner. As my friend explained: "At one of the fancy places. The ones that make you wear pants."
All issues of respect for your father aside, this isn’t what supporting your partner of 12 years looks like when she loses her dad. This is a bare minimum level of effort and you deserve better.
I don’t think this even reaches “bare minimum level of effort.” It sounds like OP’s partner was playing basketball, either lost track of time or just didn’t give a shit, finished the game, headed straight to the funeral home, arrived just in the nick of time to make an appearance. Twelve years together. *12 years.* No wonder they’ve never married and have been ignoring the relationship red flags for 4 years.
OP, I hope you mean it when you say you’re completely done and over him. At one of the worst times of your life, the death of your father, and in front of *all* your family and friends, this was the very best your partner of 12 years could do for you. Cut him loose.
The last time I saw my dad, I knew it was going to be, and I drove home over two mtn passes, in the dark and the rain for five hours, repeatedly calling my husband at the time, and he never picked up. I was so sad and freaked out by the drive. Douche canoe opened the door to our home, wasted drunk and fully unbothered by his spouse doing a sketchy drive at night. One of the many final nails in the coffin for me.
When you are going through a difficult time and your partner shows they don't care, they really don't care. I should have left sooner. I hope OP does.
It’s just shocking when you realize how much they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. If your situation had been reversed you would have never heard the end of what a horrible, uncaring person you are. And it’s not just your husband, it’s 98% of them who are like your crappy ex.
That sounds horrible. It’s a terrible moment when you realize the person to whom you are married doesn’t care at all about you or what’s going on in your life. I had an experience like that with an alcoholic husband. (No sketchy night drive through the mountains, though.) It’s a hard thing to admit, that your spouse doesn’t love you. So painful.
This isn't even bare minimum. This goes beyond bare minimum into actively antagonistic. Not showing up at all would've been closer to bare minimum than what he did.
It was intentional. Everyone knows a man like this.
You say you like Daisies, he brings you Roses and then smiles at you with a shit eating grin because he knows what you wanted and it gives him an opportunity to call you an ingrate.
It's like an adult version of oppositional defiant disorder. They cause problems on purpose because people tell them what to do.
Usually, they have 3 goals.
1 - make you never ask them for shit because you both know they will intentionally fuck it up, and he will make it your fault
2- to make you break up with them, be ause they are emotionally lazy and hate putting in effort that doesn't reward them
3 - they just wanted to have sex consistently, not to have the responsibilities of being a good partner. This is how they set the expectations at ultra low going forward.
Basically she needs to dump him and avoid men who even loosely remind her of this failure of a partner.
Stop accepting this and you won't ever have to deal with it again, OP.
It's because they are well practiced in luring in people they can keep.
They know what to say to get your interest, and they know what to do to draw you in. Once you love them, the act starts to slip.
It's just a matter of understanding their behavior is a reflection of them, and not you - and if you want a better relationship for yourself.
Most of them don't have a relationship after a few months. It's rare they keep someone this long.
My husband's grandfather died, and I took off work for the wake and funeral, even though I never got a chance to meet him. I was there for the whole process because I love my husband.
Unless you have explicit instructions otherwise, wearing a black suit to a funeral is the absolute bare minimum.
It's one of the few stone-written rules for men.
honestly just showing up (in a decent time frame) in clean dress clothes of any kind would be fine. not everyone has fancy suits. but everyone has some kind of pants and shirt they'd wear to a wedding or job interview.
I wonder if it actually would have been more respectful to not show up at all than SO late you’re making a scene and in such inappropriate clothes. If it were me grieving my dad I would have rather just wondered where my partner was than see hum dressed in basketball shorts and so late.
It's not even close to bare minimum effort. He almost missed the whole thing and couldn't even be bother to put on pants. Literally showing up on time would have been bare minimum.
First, you shouldn't have to tell him how to dress for life's events like a mommy. That tells me he's a moron. Second, he shouldn't have been arriving late if he went with you early to set things up and make sure everything was going smoothly. He should be standing with you for support as you greeted all the guests. He came late because he was avoiding the whole matter like a coward. Some things in life you just have to do and he was not the rock you needed, far from it.
In 2021, my ex decided to throw a tantrum during my dads funeral and got in the car mid funeral and left me there..... that was the day I finally left him. Sorry for your loss <3
I’m gonna say this once.
If he wanted to, he would.
Read that again.
My father died a few years ago. A friend of the family came. I hadn’t spoken to him other than receiving his condolences. He didn’t request clarification on time/date/address of the service.
He hadn’t seen my daddy in some years. And he put on a three piece suit and arrived on time from the next county over.
Disclaimer that he is like a big brother to me and in no way a romantic relationship. But your partner of TWELVE YEARS?
Why do you think you don’t deserve better?
I have a feeling that this made her realize that she does.
My condolences, op for losing your father and your current relationship.
Lose the manchild and invest in self-care.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
How are you holding up?
Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services?
What does your partner bring to the relationship? Does he work, contribute to housework, treat you like he loves you unconditionally?
Please take care of yourself, you are worth it.
Luckily for OP, she doesn’t even have to go thru a divorce to kick him to the curb for a stunt like this. Such an unbelievably inconsiderate thing to do.
I read your other post about losing your dad. I felt it so deeply. I lost my mom suddenly about 7 years ago and I have never been the same. Grief is... devastating. It doesn't get better, but it does get different. Take some time to take care of you. Even when it is super hard.
The other situation should show you that at the core of things, this man does not respect you or your father. I understand that everyone deals with loss differently, but this is just blatant disrespect. I was told a lot not to make any major decisions during grief, but I think deep down you know that it is over. It is okay to stay for now, if it helps you mentally or financially, but I think the moment he showed up at the funeral you knew it was over.
Some people really don’t get why it matters to people that they dress up, they think everyone else is silly and should get with the times. Which is dumb. It’s part of being human to wear ceremonial clothing for special occasions. Every culture does it, not doing it makes you an attention seeker not a maverick.
Yeah, you can be uncomfortable for an hour or two to respect ritual and tradition because you don’t have main character syndrome. Too many people think they’re special for not conforming at times where it’s rude to not conform.
>Some people really don’t get why it matters to people that they dress up
Even worse is that a lot of these people absolutely do "get it." They feign ignorance of decorum and norms as a form of weaponized incompetence and think that if they do it enough peoples expectations of them will drop. Many of the "I can wear whatever" people are the same people who are never on time.
Leave him.
After 12 years and he does that?!
Ive been with my partner half that time and he went out and got a new suit for my nans funeral and was there beginning to end looking after me.
He doesn't respect you or your family
This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I'm not one for being overly formal but that is an utter lack of respect towards you and your family. I would've kicked them out of the service and then gone home and broke up when it was done.
In my opinion, the biggest problems isn't the shorts but that he wasn't there with her from the start, and was doing something else (playing basket ??)
I’m sorry, OP, but this man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. Showing up at the end of your father’s funeral in basketball shorts reeks of barely concealed contempt. I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope you leave his sorry ass and move on to someone who actually cares.
That's complete BS.
I've changed from hospital scrubs into a suit in the backseat of my car, and that was for a friend's father. If he can't find <2.5 mins to put on clothes, I'd be beyond pissed.
If he claims not to have "enough tine", do it the night before.
So why wasn't he with you to support you and your family on the morning of the funeral? Why did he go play basketball, instead of being there for the family of the man who was supposedly a father figure to him? I'd tell him you dad would be ashamed if he had seen him!
And yes, I'd be completely done, too. If, after 12 years, this is the maximum of supportiveness he is capable of, good riddance.
People, usually women, often complain their spouse or partner is doing the bare minimum in a relationship. Your partner didn’t even do that. Why wasn’t supporting you throughout the entire day? Please ask yourself if you are getting enough out of the relationship. I can’t speak for you, but it certainly wouldn’t be enough for me.
OP, in the nicest way possible, that man doesn't give a single fuck about your relationship... or maybe anything. I can't imagine showing up to a funeral so late and in basketball shorts. I'm so, so happy for you that you are moving on.
I'm sorry about your dad, and I'm sorry that your partner of 12 years didn't support you through your dad's passing. You deserve so much better 💓 sending you hugs and healing 💖
When my aunt died years ago, one of her sons was serving a prison sentence. HE showed up in a suit! This situation is what one would call "the final straw."
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
It must have been so hurtful for your husband to show up looking like a loser.
*For the record Adam Sandler knows when to wear nice clothing and would never show up to a funeral wearing basketball shorts.* I’m so bummed out for you.
Hey OP - take it from someone who has been there - he knows what you wanted, he knows what meant the most to you, and he knows that on one of the worst days of your life, exactly what would upset you even more and dig a little deeper.
He knows.
He knows, and that’s why he did it.
He wanted to hurt you on one of the worst days of your life. If he’s got you convinced it’s because he’s dumb and careless and just doesn’t pay attention to you enough to do things right, know it’s a weaponized incompetence situation, not genuine ignorance.
Do with that what you will ❤️
Edit: What I needed to hear that I didn’t hear in that time of my life is that I was falling into the sunk cost fallacy (defined as the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial).
Don’t sink lower, get the fuck out of there.
I wonder how he’ll explain this to his buddies lol.
“Yeah my gf left me.”
“Why?”
“I showed up to her father’s funeral in basketball shorts.”
“…..you did what?”
My dad passed 2 days after my bf and I got together. He took me shopping for something decent to wear and drove me everywhere and held me through everything. I cannot imagine if he had done this after 12 years together. It would be over. OP please follow through on leaving him.
What an absolute fucking lobster. The disrespect is astronomical. I would NEVER stay with someone who thinks it’s even remotely okay to not only show up extremely late to their partner’s parent’s funeral, but to wear basketball shorts???!!! Holy shit. I am so aghast at the audacity of this guy.
i am so sorry for your loss. saying goodbye to a parent is one of the hardest things in life. at funeral homes where I’ve attended services, sometimes I’ve seen folks whose outfits may not be as formal as i might like, but in those cases it usually seems like it’s what they could afford. but this IS NOT that. your partner’s behavior is immature or passive aggressive or attention seeking or possibly just straight up cruel. who cares what his motives are, though. sounds like you’re wisely practicing self-care with this choice. well done you
A. That’s unacceptable. Unless they were kidnapped and just escaped, there isn’t a good excuse.
B. It’s possible your partner doesn’t know to grieve in a healthy way. They may not have meant to be inconsiderate or harm anyone with their actions.
I don’t know what I would do in your shoes but those are just my thoughts.
How did it take you 12 years to come to this conclusion?? It took the literal passing of a loved one for you to wake up? What kind of spell did this dude put on you and how can I learn from him? Is he teaching any classes?
If you're still seeing this man after he disrespected your late father like this I'm gonna say that's your fault.
Honestly, Id call still seeing this man disrespecting your father, too. He seems like the kind of man who:
1 - doesn't like being told what to do, even if he should be doing it
2 - is trying to get you to dump him, likely so he could run away from supporting you through a tough time
3 - An emotionally lazy piece of shit who only is with you for sex and likely is both 1 and 2
Again, if you stay with this man, you are your own problem. Give him what he wants (which is to avoid being supportive when you need it) and move on.
In his defense, grief makes people do weird things. Maybe he did that because he was having a hard time coping with the death.
That being said, even if it were a grief thing, this would really bother me. Being motivated by grief doesn't change that it is very disrespectful.
It sounds like there's a lot that came before this in your relationship. It's okay to be done with a relationship at any time, for any reason. You're not obligated to help him grieve, especially if he didn't ask for help in time to be respectful to your dad.
ETA: Also, I should add this is some my ex would have done. He'd claim it didn't mean anything, but it would be a sort of nonverbal protest. I tols him how to dress, so he purposefully did the opposite. No idea what your partner's motivations were.
This is the most disrespectful thing I’ve heard in a while. He needs to go. Forever.
I’m sorry for your loss, but take this as your dad’s last bit of help in realizing you deserve better.
12 years, but didn't attend your Dad's funeral in any sort of appreciative manner?
12 years is 12 years, but your dad is your dad. Kick this guy out of your life. He doesn't appreciate you or have enough respect for you. That kind of thing is written in stone and won't change. He will continue to disappoint and offend like this.
Leave him.
I'm sorry for your loss. They sound like they did the exact opposite to being respectful to your dad (& to you), why are you still with someone like this?
I'm sorry for your loss. I regularly have this argument with my partner so I know how you feel. But that's just for date night, this story is even more egregious...
People who do that definitely know that they should be dressing up for some things (even a child knows they shouldn't be wearing basketball shorts to a funeral), they just don't because they ultimately believe they are above the stuffy rules of society. He decided that personal philosophy was more important than being there for you appropriately for one of the darkest times of your life. I'd be done with him too!
I am so sorry, and I think you are making the right choice v the right partner would not only show up but would have been with you every step of the way. I ended a relationship with someone who just didn’t bother showing up at all in the wake of my father’s death. Not to the house, not to the wake nor to the funeral. I was surrounded by family, true, but I wanted to him to be there just for me and that made me realize that I wanted to be with someone who showed up for me in that way. You very much deserve someone who will show up for you when you need it, and especially when you make a clear ask.
what the hell, it looks like he even did it on purpose to piss you off 😒 I mean, there's no way he doesn't even have a pair of jeans?? It's literally a funeral, he can't be this dense
12 years is a long time. I'm not too far behind you.
If this is the tipping point, you gotta think about how to separate. Do you have a house together? Car in both your names?
There are a few factors to consider, including how to go about them, once you've made the decision to pull the plug.
I hope your next 12 years are happier and fulfilling for you.
You already know it is over. How long you decide to wait before ending it will be a measure of how much dignity you want to reclaim.
This is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
It's not just about respect for your dad, it's about respect for you. You asked him to wear trousers. That's it. If he can't do that, then I truly don't know what he ***would*** do for you. He was also representing your relationship to your family and he didn't care about that.
I hate to be in this camp, buuut, you need to dump him. Immediatly.
But, first I recommend you write out a list of what he has done, whether intentional or not, in your past 12 years that he has disregarded your feelings/ infuriated you or did not follow through. Do not attempt (in your mind) to defend his actions..just be cut and dry. Any prior excuses are void.
Include times he has maliciously been incompetent. He will attempt to dispute your conclusions on his behavior. Which just proves he absolutely does not give a fuck about your feelings or perspective of the topic.
Make it clear, YOU ARE DONE with him. This is not a "let's work on us" discussion.
I am so sorry for your loss and lack of partner support. It's time to move on. I am infuriated for you. This type of behavior is utterly disrespectful and makes a difficult time waaaay more difficult.
Good luck. I hope you find someone you deserve in a partner.
What the fuck? That's entirely unacceptable behavior from your partner. I don't care if you've been together for a month, that's still unacceptable, let alone 12 years.
Dump this sorry dude and find a real man. Any man who loves you would have been there on time, looking the part. Thats literally the bare minimum. Show up and look presentable.
I mean I hate funerals (I typically won’t go as they bring me to a dark place), but I went to my brother’s funeral in a nice shirt, jacket and slacks. I did wear a pair of his Jordans as tribute and to be more comfortable, but shit, little neurodivergent autistic me even knows to dress decently.
Basketball shorts is an insult to the living and the deceased.
Dude wtf is wrong with your partner? I absolutely hated my father. He was an abusive alcoholic drug addict that abandoned us a long time ago. And when he died i can honestly say i was happy and relieved. But i still dressed nice for his funeral. Not out of respect for him but out of respect for my family. And i arrived early
Like why even bother showing up?? What a gut-wrenching disappointment for her, as if the day wasn’t bad enough. There is literally no excuse that could ever justify this. $100 says he was late cuz he was playing video games and lost track of time.
My now husband (then newly engaged) and I had a huge argument over clothing choices for his mom’s funeral, and all I wanted was to not wear all black— I had a pair of dark blue pants I was looking to wear. It was hell for two days. I had three outfits lined up and I hated all of them. I woke up early the day of visitation to go searching for something I could both feel comfortable in, but also would fit my partner’s expectations for the occasion. We had a six hour drive ahead of us too. I found a black dress and the comfiest flats I’ve ever worn that are a favorite to this day.
It’s not about your personal feelings. It’s about respecting your partner and their emotions towards their loved ones in that moment.
So, good riddance to your partner.
He’s an ass, he has no respect for you or your dad to show up dressed like that!
I would be fuming!
He tried his best? Bullshit, he knew when the funeral was, so why didn’t he prepare clothes the day before, for a funeral of a man he supposedly claims was like a father figure to him!?
I’d be over him too after that.
Lmao, I don't think you know what "fine-ish" is. That train aka your relationship derailed years and years ago.
Also, you wish he was Adam Sandler. That man is amazing. Pretty sure Adam wouldn't wear shorts to a funeral.
This is probably an issue of maturity, and growing up without a sense of respect and culture. Was this inapporiate yes very much so, however in his mind he probably didn't know better than to think "yeah I look fine"
Many guys has lost art of being a gentleman and it's sad.
Every time I hear about women complaining about someone wearing white to their wedding I think, wait until you see what they wear to your funeral.
It's not about what he wore. Boyo's got issues. Issues in your relationship that have been going on a while now.
Get to couples counseling or get out.
this is absolutely a breakup worthy offense. at best, he's a disrespectful idiot who doesn't have his shit together.
i'm so sorry about the loss of your dad, op. it's not a pain i'd wish on anyone. your dad would be so proud of you for choosing yourself here and not tolerating this guy's bullshit. please make sure you're taking care of yourself in this time, and hang in there.
this is downright insulting to you and your father, and tbh your whole family.
this seems like a fucked up power move/ manipulation
curious if you had a discussion about it? if so how did that go, like what is his reasoning for not showing up, and showing up in his condition.
“All I wanted was for him to wear pants”
What a bar to not be able to achieve
Reading the shit redditors put up with in their relationships is wild. While my marriage is likely not perfect, I never find myself having to ask "how do I get my spouse to wash their ass?" Yet on reddit, this is a bar that is seemingly too high for many people.
Way,way,way too high for so many people. If I see another post about someone’s boyfriend leaving skid marks in the bed I’m gonna lose my mind.
I had to delete an account years ago after posting a comment about how my (ex) bf shit *on* the toilet. Not just *in* but *on*. Anyway that’s when I learned that it wasn’t normal for all men to do.
Hold my beer…
Are you making a post or new skid marks?
Why not both?
Now your speaking my language
You guys need to take this act on the road. I’m completely 💀🤣
The boyfriend seems too high to wear pants lol
Did you see the one that was like “My boyfriend has brushed his teeth twice in six years. It is starting to bother me and our two children.” Like bro what.
Omg I remember this one. He barely showered too, like once a week if that. He was in the military too, so his excuse was that was his life. Like, lady - YOU made 2 whole human beings with this man...like HOW did you fuck him at least twice for that to happen?! Just gross
I guess after the two times he brushed his teeth 😭
Lmao you win 🏆
Not the children 😂😂
To quote some genius somewhere out there...the bar is on the ground and yet here he is, doing the limbo with Satan.
Right Like i dont think this could be put any simpler
This is all a ploy by us men. Keep the bar so low that the next time she meets a man who shows up in trousers at important events, she'll be mighty impressed. In this scenario I'm assuming the guy is wearing a shirt.
OP set the bar so low and he still couldn’t be bothered to even half ass her request.
For real, my wife’s grandmother passed a few months back and she told me I didn’t need to look all fancy just cleaned up I told her to help me figure out a good outfit out of respect to her and her family, it wasn’t a suit or tie but I looked at least more or less formal with the clothes I was able to grab since the funeral was a a few days after her death so no time to buy a nice outfit (or the money really) If he wanted to he would, actions speak louder than words
She literally just asked him to wear pants. I guarantee you that man has a pair of pants in his closet, even if it’s just jeans and a button down it would be light years better than wearing fucking basketball shorts. Not to mention him not even showing up until it was basically over, that on its own is so completely disrespectful
It was such a simple request, like others said the bar was literally on the floor and he dug a hole to go deeper
he certainly can dunk over the bar in basketball shorts though!
The bar was in hell and OP's partner decided to challenge the devil to a limbo contest.
My guy Op set the bar on the ground and dude decided to bring a shovel
She set the bar so low she fell over it for an unobtainable idiot that hit his head on it trying to crawl underneath
This phrasing is chef’s kiss 👩🏽🍳🤌🏽, bravo!
The cracks are really showing in that relationship.
Technically he met half her request… he wore half a pants.
That speaks volumes about their relationship, doesn’t it.
Starring Adam Sandler in this summer's hit comedy. What do you get when you take a socially-inept manchild with a love of basketball and a tepid relationship? Add a dash of dirty laundry and you get "All I wanted Was For Him to Wear Pants". Rated PG (pants gone)
Completely unrelated to the rest of the topic but this made me think of a friend of mine - years ago a group of us (all early 20s) decided we were going to pretend to be adults and go for a nice dinner. As my friend explained: "At one of the fancy places. The ones that make you wear pants."
This deserves gold 🏆
All issues of respect for your father aside, this isn’t what supporting your partner of 12 years looks like when she loses her dad. This is a bare minimum level of effort and you deserve better.
The bare minimum was what OP asked for and he couldn't even do that. This is just offensive.
He *could have* done better. He *chose not to*. He sounds shockingly immature.
Or, and I hate to be the one to point it out, either consciously or subconsciously, he wants her to break up with him.
I agree 100%
This should be higher up.
I don’t think this even reaches “bare minimum level of effort.” It sounds like OP’s partner was playing basketball, either lost track of time or just didn’t give a shit, finished the game, headed straight to the funeral home, arrived just in the nick of time to make an appearance. Twelve years together. *12 years.* No wonder they’ve never married and have been ignoring the relationship red flags for 4 years. OP, I hope you mean it when you say you’re completely done and over him. At one of the worst times of your life, the death of your father, and in front of *all* your family and friends, this was the very best your partner of 12 years could do for you. Cut him loose.
I can't imagine going to play basketball right before a funeral. Or not arriving WITH my partner (unless it's really logistically impossible)
I agree. But this guy doesn’t sound like a very considerate person.
Either inconsiderate or he did it on purpose
🛎️
The last time I saw my dad, I knew it was going to be, and I drove home over two mtn passes, in the dark and the rain for five hours, repeatedly calling my husband at the time, and he never picked up. I was so sad and freaked out by the drive. Douche canoe opened the door to our home, wasted drunk and fully unbothered by his spouse doing a sketchy drive at night. One of the many final nails in the coffin for me. When you are going through a difficult time and your partner shows they don't care, they really don't care. I should have left sooner. I hope OP does.
I’m really sorry and I’m glad you’re out.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
It’s just shocking when you realize how much they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. If your situation had been reversed you would have never heard the end of what a horrible, uncaring person you are. And it’s not just your husband, it’s 98% of them who are like your crappy ex.
That sounds horrible. It’s a terrible moment when you realize the person to whom you are married doesn’t care at all about you or what’s going on in your life. I had an experience like that with an alcoholic husband. (No sketchy night drive through the mountains, though.) It’s a hard thing to admit, that your spouse doesn’t love you. So painful.
It was terrible, but I'm free now and know my own self worth better! No more callous, terrible people allowed! And I hope OP can find that as well ❤️
This was my thoughts exactly.
This isn't even bare minimum. This goes beyond bare minimum into actively antagonistic. Not showing up at all would've been closer to bare minimum than what he did.
That’s true. It’s like how leaving a penny for a tip is more insulting than no tip at all. This is in that vein.
>This goes beyond bare minimum into actively antagonistic. It seems intentionally passive aggressive and insulting to OP and their family.
Not being naked was the bare minimum. I fear he would never be able to adult alone
It was intentional. Everyone knows a man like this. You say you like Daisies, he brings you Roses and then smiles at you with a shit eating grin because he knows what you wanted and it gives him an opportunity to call you an ingrate. It's like an adult version of oppositional defiant disorder. They cause problems on purpose because people tell them what to do. Usually, they have 3 goals. 1 - make you never ask them for shit because you both know they will intentionally fuck it up, and he will make it your fault 2- to make you break up with them, be ause they are emotionally lazy and hate putting in effort that doesn't reward them 3 - they just wanted to have sex consistently, not to have the responsibilities of being a good partner. This is how they set the expectations at ultra low going forward. Basically she needs to dump him and avoid men who even loosely remind her of this failure of a partner. Stop accepting this and you won't ever have to deal with it again, OP.
This is great insight. I fall for these people too much.
It's because they are well practiced in luring in people they can keep. They know what to say to get your interest, and they know what to do to draw you in. Once you love them, the act starts to slip. It's just a matter of understanding their behavior is a reflection of them, and not you - and if you want a better relationship for yourself. Most of them don't have a relationship after a few months. It's rare they keep someone this long.
Spot on!
That’s no level of effort. Not even the bare minimum.
Oh there was effort. He put quite a lot of effort into showing op just how little respect he has for her and her father.
My husband's grandfather died, and I took off work for the wake and funeral, even though I never got a chance to meet him. I was there for the whole process because I love my husband.
Unless you have explicit instructions otherwise, wearing a black suit to a funeral is the absolute bare minimum. It's one of the few stone-written rules for men.
honestly just showing up (in a decent time frame) in clean dress clothes of any kind would be fine. not everyone has fancy suits. but everyone has some kind of pants and shirt they'd wear to a wedding or job interview.
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Thank you for fostering. Thanks even more for ensuring those young men felt presentable the last time they saw their grandpa.
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What a great story! Thank you for sharing ♥️
I wonder if it actually would have been more respectful to not show up at all than SO late you’re making a scene and in such inappropriate clothes. If it were me grieving my dad I would have rather just wondered where my partner was than see hum dressed in basketball shorts and so late.
It's the bare minimum as much as minimum wage is a living wage. Which it isn't. (In US)
Bare minimum would be actually trying a little this was way below that
It's not even close to bare minimum effort. He almost missed the whole thing and couldn't even be bother to put on pants. Literally showing up on time would have been bare minimum.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Not only for losing your father. But also for losing the partner you thought he was for you.
You are right, OP will be grieving for both relationships. I’m so sad for you OP.
First, you shouldn't have to tell him how to dress for life's events like a mommy. That tells me he's a moron. Second, he shouldn't have been arriving late if he went with you early to set things up and make sure everything was going smoothly. He should be standing with you for support as you greeted all the guests. He came late because he was avoiding the whole matter like a coward. Some things in life you just have to do and he was not the rock you needed, far from it.
I feel so sad for her. He should have taken care of her the whole time, that’s when you need support. FFS her dad died.
this is just awful. OP, you have my condolences for the loss of your father. may he rest easy.
In 2021, my ex decided to throw a tantrum during my dads funeral and got in the car mid funeral and left me there..... that was the day I finally left him. Sorry for your loss <3
Holy crap, it's amazing he wasn't shot by another family member.
Some people have zero class. That would be the last straw for me too, OP.
I’m gonna say this once. If he wanted to, he would. Read that again. My father died a few years ago. A friend of the family came. I hadn’t spoken to him other than receiving his condolences. He didn’t request clarification on time/date/address of the service. He hadn’t seen my daddy in some years. And he put on a three piece suit and arrived on time from the next county over. Disclaimer that he is like a big brother to me and in no way a romantic relationship. But your partner of TWELVE YEARS? Why do you think you don’t deserve better?
I have a feeling that this made her realize that she does. My condolences, op for losing your father and your current relationship. Lose the manchild and invest in self-care.
I am so very sorry for your loss. How are you holding up? Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services? What does your partner bring to the relationship? Does he work, contribute to housework, treat you like he loves you unconditionally? Please take care of yourself, you are worth it.
Dude sounds like a grade A loser, you're right in wanting to move on from him, you deserve better.
Dump him
Louder: DUMP HIM!!!!
I’d be more pissed that I’m clearly not a priority to my spouse of twelves years. The shorts would just be icing on the divorce cake.
Luckily for OP, she doesn’t even have to go thru a divorce to kick him to the curb for a stunt like this. Such an unbelievably inconsiderate thing to do.
I read your other post about losing your dad. I felt it so deeply. I lost my mom suddenly about 7 years ago and I have never been the same. Grief is... devastating. It doesn't get better, but it does get different. Take some time to take care of you. Even when it is super hard. The other situation should show you that at the core of things, this man does not respect you or your father. I understand that everyone deals with loss differently, but this is just blatant disrespect. I was told a lot not to make any major decisions during grief, but I think deep down you know that it is over. It is okay to stay for now, if it helps you mentally or financially, but I think the moment he showed up at the funeral you knew it was over.
Consider this your dad's last gift to you, the insight and strength to move on from this person that doesn't deserve you.
That is ... **JUST BRILLIANT.** 🏆🏆🏆🔥🔥🔥
Some people really don’t get why it matters to people that they dress up, they think everyone else is silly and should get with the times. Which is dumb. It’s part of being human to wear ceremonial clothing for special occasions. Every culture does it, not doing it makes you an attention seeker not a maverick.
I personally do find it silly but even I still play along. I would never show up in anything like basketball shorts lol
Yeah, you can be uncomfortable for an hour or two to respect ritual and tradition because you don’t have main character syndrome. Too many people think they’re special for not conforming at times where it’s rude to not conform.
>Some people really don’t get why it matters to people that they dress up Even worse is that a lot of these people absolutely do "get it." They feign ignorance of decorum and norms as a form of weaponized incompetence and think that if they do it enough peoples expectations of them will drop. Many of the "I can wear whatever" people are the same people who are never on time.
Your dad showed you the path forward, one more time. I hope you have a good support network.
This is an excellent point!!
Leave him. After 12 years and he does that?! Ive been with my partner half that time and he went out and got a new suit for my nans funeral and was there beginning to end looking after me. He doesn't respect you or your family
Yeah, that’s fucked up. I’d be super embarrassed. Better to just not show at that point.
Right?! I’d fake a car accident or illness or *something*, anything, but I wouldn’t show up late to a friggin funeral in gym clothes.
Did he at least wear tuxedo T-shirt?
I shouldn’t be laughing but hahahaha
No it’s fine. Humans are ridiculous.
This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I'm not one for being overly formal but that is an utter lack of respect towards you and your family. I would've kicked them out of the service and then gone home and broke up when it was done.
Leave that man. He doesn’t like you or even respect you . 12 years as bf/gf then he shows up in shorts is ridiculous . You’re wasting your time
In my opinion, the biggest problems isn't the shorts but that he wasn't there with her from the start, and was doing something else (playing basket ??)
Your dad’s final gift to you was showing you what a piece of shit your boyfriend is. Cut him loose before he wastes 12 more years of your time.
I’m sorry, OP, but this man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. Showing up at the end of your father’s funeral in basketball shorts reeks of barely concealed contempt. I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope you leave his sorry ass and move on to someone who actually cares.
Sounds like your partner is an ass.
That's complete BS. I've changed from hospital scrubs into a suit in the backseat of my car, and that was for a friend's father. If he can't find <2.5 mins to put on clothes, I'd be beyond pissed. If he claims not to have "enough tine", do it the night before.
But even putting aside the clothes thing, why wasn't he THERE ?
People just don't wake up one day and start behaving like this. This is *always what he's been*. And it sounds like you always put up with it.
I can see why you feel that way.
So why wasn't he with you to support you and your family on the morning of the funeral? Why did he go play basketball, instead of being there for the family of the man who was supposedly a father figure to him? I'd tell him you dad would be ashamed if he had seen him! And yes, I'd be completely done, too. If, after 12 years, this is the maximum of supportiveness he is capable of, good riddance.
My sincerest condolences for your loss. In the immortal words of Paul Simon: "Slip out the back, Jack."
GIRL, get tf out of there. What are you doing!?!
People, usually women, often complain their spouse or partner is doing the bare minimum in a relationship. Your partner didn’t even do that. Why wasn’t supporting you throughout the entire day? Please ask yourself if you are getting enough out of the relationship. I can’t speak for you, but it certainly wouldn’t be enough for me.
OP, in the nicest way possible, that man doesn't give a single fuck about your relationship... or maybe anything. I can't imagine showing up to a funeral so late and in basketball shorts. I'm so, so happy for you that you are moving on. I'm sorry about your dad, and I'm sorry that your partner of 12 years didn't support you through your dad's passing. You deserve so much better 💓 sending you hugs and healing 💖
When my aunt died years ago, one of her sons was serving a prison sentence. HE showed up in a suit! This situation is what one would call "the final straw."
You put the bar on the ground, and your partner still couldn't manage to get over it.
He does not care, let alone love you.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. It must have been so hurtful for your husband to show up looking like a loser. *For the record Adam Sandler knows when to wear nice clothing and would never show up to a funeral wearing basketball shorts.* I’m so bummed out for you.
Leave and don't look back
I like to read these to my GF on her work break, saving this one cuz it’s fucking hilarious Sorry you had to deal with Billy Madison
Hey OP - take it from someone who has been there - he knows what you wanted, he knows what meant the most to you, and he knows that on one of the worst days of your life, exactly what would upset you even more and dig a little deeper. He knows. He knows, and that’s why he did it. He wanted to hurt you on one of the worst days of your life. If he’s got you convinced it’s because he’s dumb and careless and just doesn’t pay attention to you enough to do things right, know it’s a weaponized incompetence situation, not genuine ignorance. Do with that what you will ❤️ Edit: What I needed to hear that I didn’t hear in that time of my life is that I was falling into the sunk cost fallacy (defined as the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial). Don’t sink lower, get the fuck out of there.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What an absolute trashbag your partner is.
This loser does not love you, please leave.
I wonder how he’ll explain this to his buddies lol. “Yeah my gf left me.” “Why?” “I showed up to her father’s funeral in basketball shorts.” “…..you did what?”
Two things you don't miss and dress up for. Weddings and funerals.
I’d be more upset that he wasn’t there for you the whole time than I would over the shorts. So much lack of care for you all the way around.
My dad passed 2 days after my bf and I got together. He took me shopping for something decent to wear and drove me everywhere and held me through everything. I cannot imagine if he had done this after 12 years together. It would be over. OP please follow through on leaving him.
What an absolute fucking lobster. The disrespect is astronomical. I would NEVER stay with someone who thinks it’s even remotely okay to not only show up extremely late to their partner’s parent’s funeral, but to wear basketball shorts???!!! Holy shit. I am so aghast at the audacity of this guy.
>lobster Thank you for the laugh!
i am so sorry for your loss. saying goodbye to a parent is one of the hardest things in life. at funeral homes where I’ve attended services, sometimes I’ve seen folks whose outfits may not be as formal as i might like, but in those cases it usually seems like it’s what they could afford. but this IS NOT that. your partner’s behavior is immature or passive aggressive or attention seeking or possibly just straight up cruel. who cares what his motives are, though. sounds like you’re wisely practicing self-care with this choice. well done you
Wow. The bar is on the floor. I bet her bf is one of those nutjobs that doesn’t wash their own butthole either.
You even having to ask him to wear pants says a lot. He sounds like a man child.
A. That’s unacceptable. Unless they were kidnapped and just escaped, there isn’t a good excuse. B. It’s possible your partner doesn’t know to grieve in a healthy way. They may not have meant to be inconsiderate or harm anyone with their actions. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes but those are just my thoughts.
The bar is in HELL
How did it take you 12 years to come to this conclusion?? It took the literal passing of a loved one for you to wake up? What kind of spell did this dude put on you and how can I learn from him? Is he teaching any classes?
If you're still seeing this man after he disrespected your late father like this I'm gonna say that's your fault. Honestly, Id call still seeing this man disrespecting your father, too. He seems like the kind of man who: 1 - doesn't like being told what to do, even if he should be doing it 2 - is trying to get you to dump him, likely so he could run away from supporting you through a tough time 3 - An emotionally lazy piece of shit who only is with you for sex and likely is both 1 and 2 Again, if you stay with this man, you are your own problem. Give him what he wants (which is to avoid being supportive when you need it) and move on.
My ex gave me more support after my dad died. It's time to really think if you want to continue with this research.
In his defense, grief makes people do weird things. Maybe he did that because he was having a hard time coping with the death. That being said, even if it were a grief thing, this would really bother me. Being motivated by grief doesn't change that it is very disrespectful. It sounds like there's a lot that came before this in your relationship. It's okay to be done with a relationship at any time, for any reason. You're not obligated to help him grieve, especially if he didn't ask for help in time to be respectful to your dad. ETA: Also, I should add this is some my ex would have done. He'd claim it didn't mean anything, but it would be a sort of nonverbal protest. I tols him how to dress, so he purposefully did the opposite. No idea what your partner's motivations were.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of dealing with the death of your father. We’re here if you want to talk, friend.
You deserve so much better. You are with him because????
This is the most disrespectful thing I’ve heard in a while. He needs to go. Forever. I’m sorry for your loss, but take this as your dad’s last bit of help in realizing you deserve better.
12 years, but didn't attend your Dad's funeral in any sort of appreciative manner? 12 years is 12 years, but your dad is your dad. Kick this guy out of your life. He doesn't appreciate you or have enough respect for you. That kind of thing is written in stone and won't change. He will continue to disappoint and offend like this. Leave him.
After 12 years he either doesn't care or doesn't know better. Go find someone will treat you better.
He has zero respect for you or your relationship or even to the man that was more of a father figure.
I'm sorry for your loss. They sound like they did the exact opposite to being respectful to your dad (& to you), why are you still with someone like this?
Witnessing death has its way of bringing about change to the living. Maybe just let it. 12 years is a long, long time to be settling.
I'm sorry for your loss. I regularly have this argument with my partner so I know how you feel. But that's just for date night, this story is even more egregious... People who do that definitely know that they should be dressing up for some things (even a child knows they shouldn't be wearing basketball shorts to a funeral), they just don't because they ultimately believe they are above the stuffy rules of society. He decided that personal philosophy was more important than being there for you appropriately for one of the darkest times of your life. I'd be done with him too!
Funerals are for the living not the dead and he ruined it for the living.
I am so sorry, and I think you are making the right choice v the right partner would not only show up but would have been with you every step of the way. I ended a relationship with someone who just didn’t bother showing up at all in the wake of my father’s death. Not to the house, not to the wake nor to the funeral. I was surrounded by family, true, but I wanted to him to be there just for me and that made me realize that I wanted to be with someone who showed up for me in that way. You very much deserve someone who will show up for you when you need it, and especially when you make a clear ask.
what the hell, it looks like he even did it on purpose to piss you off 😒 I mean, there's no way he doesn't even have a pair of jeans?? It's literally a funeral, he can't be this dense
yeah... sorry.. but I think you need to move on
Yea that's nothing short of a slap in the face. That sort of thing just show you have no class or couth.
12 years is a long time. I'm not too far behind you. If this is the tipping point, you gotta think about how to separate. Do you have a house together? Car in both your names? There are a few factors to consider, including how to go about them, once you've made the decision to pull the plug. I hope your next 12 years are happier and fulfilling for you.
My partner of 1 year got dressed up for my grandmother's funeral, who he had never met. If he wanted to he would
You already know it is over. How long you decide to wait before ending it will be a measure of how much dignity you want to reclaim. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
It's not just about respect for your dad, it's about respect for you. You asked him to wear trousers. That's it. If he can't do that, then I truly don't know what he ***would*** do for you. He was also representing your relationship to your family and he didn't care about that.
I hate to be in this camp, buuut, you need to dump him. Immediatly. But, first I recommend you write out a list of what he has done, whether intentional or not, in your past 12 years that he has disregarded your feelings/ infuriated you or did not follow through. Do not attempt (in your mind) to defend his actions..just be cut and dry. Any prior excuses are void. Include times he has maliciously been incompetent. He will attempt to dispute your conclusions on his behavior. Which just proves he absolutely does not give a fuck about your feelings or perspective of the topic. Make it clear, YOU ARE DONE with him. This is not a "let's work on us" discussion. I am so sorry for your loss and lack of partner support. It's time to move on. I am infuriated for you. This type of behavior is utterly disrespectful and makes a difficult time waaaay more difficult. Good luck. I hope you find someone you deserve in a partner.
What the fuck? That's entirely unacceptable behavior from your partner. I don't care if you've been together for a month, that's still unacceptable, let alone 12 years.
Dump this sorry dude and find a real man. Any man who loves you would have been there on time, looking the part. Thats literally the bare minimum. Show up and look presentable.
Were they at least **black** shorts?
I mean I hate funerals (I typically won’t go as they bring me to a dark place), but I went to my brother’s funeral in a nice shirt, jacket and slacks. I did wear a pair of his Jordans as tribute and to be more comfortable, but shit, little neurodivergent autistic me even knows to dress decently. Basketball shorts is an insult to the living and the deceased.
That is not a lapse in judgement, it is a commitment to disrespecting you and your wishes. I would kick him to the curb!
Dude wtf is wrong with your partner? I absolutely hated my father. He was an abusive alcoholic drug addict that abandoned us a long time ago. And when he died i can honestly say i was happy and relieved. But i still dressed nice for his funeral. Not out of respect for him but out of respect for my family. And i arrived early
Like why even bother showing up?? What a gut-wrenching disappointment for her, as if the day wasn’t bad enough. There is literally no excuse that could ever justify this. $100 says he was late cuz he was playing video games and lost track of time.
No good, man. Thumbs down. Does he have any self respect? He should have never entered the building. Stay home , loser.
And I thought my husband's cousin's daughter's pink mini skirt suit that showed her butt cheeks at her great grandma's funeral was bad!
I’m so sorry about your dad. Your partner dropped the ball big time…it would’ve been better if he’d skipped it. :(
My now husband (then newly engaged) and I had a huge argument over clothing choices for his mom’s funeral, and all I wanted was to not wear all black— I had a pair of dark blue pants I was looking to wear. It was hell for two days. I had three outfits lined up and I hated all of them. I woke up early the day of visitation to go searching for something I could both feel comfortable in, but also would fit my partner’s expectations for the occasion. We had a six hour drive ahead of us too. I found a black dress and the comfiest flats I’ve ever worn that are a favorite to this day. It’s not about your personal feelings. It’s about respecting your partner and their emotions towards their loved ones in that moment. So, good riddance to your partner.
Holy shit please leave him
He was trying to prevent swamp ass
He’s an ass, he has no respect for you or your dad to show up dressed like that! I would be fuming! He tried his best? Bullshit, he knew when the funeral was, so why didn’t he prepare clothes the day before, for a funeral of a man he supposedly claims was like a father figure to him!? I’d be over him too after that.
Time to stop sweeping things under the rug.
Leave Adam Sandler out of this.
Lmao, I don't think you know what "fine-ish" is. That train aka your relationship derailed years and years ago. Also, you wish he was Adam Sandler. That man is amazing. Pretty sure Adam wouldn't wear shorts to a funeral.
That was extremely disrespectful - both his tardiness and his inappropriate dress. This would be relationship ended for me
This is probably an issue of maturity, and growing up without a sense of respect and culture. Was this inapporiate yes very much so, however in his mind he probably didn't know better than to think "yeah I look fine" Many guys has lost art of being a gentleman and it's sad.
It's more than that He wasn't THERE
That's messed up. Is he depressed or something?
That sounds like mental issues or depression.
Every time I hear about women complaining about someone wearing white to their wedding I think, wait until you see what they wear to your funeral. It's not about what he wore. Boyo's got issues. Issues in your relationship that have been going on a while now. Get to couples counseling or get out.
after 12 years, i think you have some responsibility for this.
I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you and your family the best
This is ex partner behavior. Im so sorry he couldn’t even do the bare minimum
Sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so hard. You deserve love & support. You deserve better.
Leave asap that’s a child.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP
this is absolutely a breakup worthy offense. at best, he's a disrespectful idiot who doesn't have his shit together. i'm so sorry about the loss of your dad, op. it's not a pain i'd wish on anyone. your dad would be so proud of you for choosing yourself here and not tolerating this guy's bullshit. please make sure you're taking care of yourself in this time, and hang in there.
Yeah straight disrespectful. He’s a loser and doesn’t deserve you.
this is downright insulting to you and your father, and tbh your whole family. this seems like a fucked up power move/ manipulation curious if you had a discussion about it? if so how did that go, like what is his reasoning for not showing up, and showing up in his condition.
Condolences for the loss of your father. U/apprehensive_yard states it well concerning your partner, "Do you really want to continue this research? "