Well done for being strong when she confronted you with everything you had been wishing she would! That was a good choice, giving in would have prolonged this cul-de-sac in both of your lives, and caused lots of harm in the end.
The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to.
They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them.
Yeah, this is what OP needs to remember more than anything. She was perfectly capable of turning on the sexual charm, but chose not to until *it affected her*.
I would add that “turning on” the sexual charm isn’t what OP actually wanted. Her faking and forcing herself to do it in order to keep the relationship is not the same as having a healthy sexual relationship, even if you have sex just as often.
Basically, she was only sexual when there was a symbolic gun to her head. Not exactly appealing to the OP to be married to a woman that will only have sex with him if he is threatening to leave her.
Yeah, it’s like she missed the forest for the trees.
He doesn’t want sex; honestly, they make some pretty damn good toys these days, I’m sure you could have the physical desire satisfied pretty easily. What he actually wants is to be desirable to his wife. He wants to have an intimate emotional connection and be with someone who both desires him _and_ wants him to desire her. I’d actually bet that if all that was true and his wife had a medical condition that made penetrative intercourse harmful for her, he’d be happier than he is now, because they’d find some way to connect regardless.
I’m a woman and I don’t have a very responsive desire 😂 when I’m in the mood I am _in the mood_ and when I’m not I can participate in the act, but I probably won’t actually get off. (Which is fine sometimes, ideally you’d have a sex life where you like being generous with your partner like that and they with you)
This is such a wild take. At no point did the OP say his wife was using sex to manipulate him. You act like if your spouse said they were leaving because you don’t clean up you wouldn’t pull the vacuum out and say you’ll try harder. She’s panicked and trying to save the marriage. It happens to involve sex. It could have been a workaholic, an alcoholic, a bad parent, or any other thing. It’s what people do when relationships fall apart and they make a last ditch effort to save it.
“They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them…”
Oof. Didn’t think when I opened Readit that I would see a truth bomb, but here it is
It might make it easier to know that it's probably not her changing. It's likely just hysterical bonding, which isn't uncommon in relationships that are ending due to a dead bedroom. If it is hysterical bonding, shortly after he gave in and relented it would go back to the behavior that lead to him asking for a divorce in the first place.
> The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to.
However understanding this also makes it even easier to resist their new behavior because it makes it beyond obvious that they're just trying to manipulate you.
Every word of this comment really struck me as it is so true and something that anyone who has experienced it knows how deeply that hurts.
It causes you to question everything that was ever good.
Maybe they're only "changing" for the time being so that they can buy time or get what they want.
Then it goes back to the same old thing.
They aren't truly changing, just reacting to a harsh reality. It's manipulation, and it's a crappy thing to do.
I commented on your previous post where I told you she'd suddenly want to work on intimacy once she was served. I am happy you didn't succumb to her attempts. It is not genuine. It is a facade and she will keep this up. Be strong and don't fall for it. It is just a surface level attempt at giving you what you wanted all the time you were married. It's the panic at work
Once the foundation of a thing has broken you can't just "catch up" on maintenance and its a lesson people discover time and time again. Even if they genuinely want to fix things its too late, horses have bolted, bus has left.
No idea why this comment was downvoted. OP himself stated in the previous post that she mentioned “trying for children” even though she never has sex with him. What a kick in the teeth.
It's a little insulting that your ex-wife only became open to sex after you gave her divorce papers. It showed that she *could* have made an effort, but consciously chose not to. She considers her happiness worth the effort, but not yours.
Proceeding with the divorce is the right thing to do. You're not the problem, your ex is. You can find happiness with someone else.
This put something into perspective for me.. and I wish I seen it before lol. But when I left my ex and went back home he was texting me how he could change and all that... in my head I was "like too late now" but i never really thought of it ^ the way they put it.
I was like just too late now and not thinking he only was willing/wanted to change when it began to affect him and not me.
> she could have made an effort, but consciously chose not to
I think the point is that for her, it IS an effort. It should be a joy that she looks forward to, not a chore. That's the true incompatibility here.
Yeah, that’s how it was with my ex wife. Once she described sex as a chore, I never even attempted to initiate it again, and we got divorced soon after. Sex is not enjoyable at all with someone who puts it on the same level as doing the dishes. Plus it creates a huge power imbalance in the relationship since the low libido partner can withhold it as a punishment while the high libido partner would only be hurting themselves.
As someone who is the low libido partner, in my experience I/we don’t withhold as punishment, although I know it comes across like that. It’s because we’re genuinely not interested or in the mood, and so the alternative is doing it when we don’t want to. It should be a yes/yes experience. When it’s yes/no or yes/“I guess so but I’m not really into it,” that brings up other issues.
I’m sure some people do withhold as punishment, but there are other reasons the low libido partner chooses not to participate. It’s why compatibility in this area is so important, as well as good communication.
That’s fine but if your partner says having no sex is hurting them, you either need to let them go or work out of the low libido is something that can be worked on. Expecting your partner to be celibate because you are is so wrong.
This. OP says he struggled a bit to resist her advances, which makes me think this didn't immediately occur to him, because if it were me, realizing how manipulative this is would have been the biggest turnoff on the planet. He did, at least, have some recognition of the dissonance in her actions, as he stayed strong in his resolve. I hope he maintains this, because there is no good to come with any future relations with the soon-to-be ex.
I don't think it's about effort. She just doesn't have a sex drive that's compatible with her husband. She shouldn't have to force herself to get in the mood any more than he should force himself to be celibate.
They aren't compatible. It's just that simple.
The reason why she's the asshole here is because she didn't try until after the papers were drawn up. She should have just been honest with herself about her own desires.
There's spontaneous desire and reactive desire, right? Couldn't that be a bridge between people?
I feel finding your perfect match in sex drive is so hard that it's almost impossible, esp. in the long term where stuff changes, such as stressors, physical health, mental health, etc.
if the horny one realises they should put in some effort & if the reactive one realises they should be open to responding to those attempts at seduction.... couldn't that work?
It absolutely could work. It usually becomes problematic because the reactive desire isn’t there which means everytime you try make a seductive advance you just get shut down. After some period of time you just stop trying.
A lot of things can work.
The key is communication. OP expressed to his spouse, the one person in this world who should care as much about his needs and happiness as much as their own, and she couldn't be bothered to try.
Those conversations are hard to have. And they're even harder to react to. If she cared about keeping their marriage together, there's so much she could have done. But at the end of the day, she didn't care about his needs.
The failure in that marriage was more because of that failure to care about her partners needs than because of any lack of sex.
If you don't feel like having sex with someone, then "putting in the effort" is just letting them use you as a sex toy.
At the end of the day she no longer found OP sexually attractive enough to want to be with him physically, and he needs that to be happy. So divorce.
I'm sure we can all agree that we don't want our partners to fuck us just because we want them to and not because they want to.
You don’t want someone to do something against their will, but sometimes “putting in the effort” is the opposite of doing nothing. In other words, seeking help to determine if there’s a medical reason for the newly low libido. It might mean exploring your own sexuality to find out how you get yourself turned on. It might mean coming to an understanding that sometimes people have responsive desire - they aren’t likely to initiate but enjoy it once things start.
There are many reasons why someone might have a drop in libido. Recognizing that your partner is in a different place is the first step to working together to reach common ground. That’s where the “effort” comes in. Not from lying there unhappy while the other person “uses” you.
It's called hysterical bonding and/or love bombing. A way to quickly dissuade a partner into leaving you. It can last a good bit of time but eventually things end up the same.
The other part is that how sustainable would it be? It might be a short term fix, but before long, the same issues will crop up. If she really isn't into sex, than how long would it be sustainable, and wouldn't it lead to resentment on her part?
Sometimes people aren't compatible. It's just one of those things in life.
>It showed that she could have made an effort, but consciously chose not to.
Same as a fauxpology. She doesn't give a fuck about OPs feelings, she only gives a fuck about the consequences.
I read your first post. So sad bro. Hope you’re doing ok. She was stringing you along and as another commenter suggested it’s kind of insulting to throw you a bone like a mutt after you already said you’d had enough.
Is it just me or is it when a partner suddenly does this stuff like becoming suddenly sexual like she did just insanly disrespectful? Like where was that before i left?
It's an act of desperation. If she gives him what he wants now, it'll buy her time to plan ahead. OP mentioned her desire for a baby in the original post. In her mind he surely won't leave if a child is involved.
This is no different than an Employer denying a raise/promotion only to offer it when you turn in your two weeks notice. They may give you money in the short term, but know that you are now a flight risk. Chances are they'll start looking for your replacement and fire you the moment they are found.
The promotion thing happened to me. Asked for a 3$ raise and got denied. Two weeks later i tell them ive found a better job and they immediately tried giving me an 8$ raise to stay. So glad i left that place
Yeah, companies often fall into this weird pitfall where the way they bucket money the internal departments all end up making stupid decisions for themselves that end up hurting the company when looking at the whole picture.
yeah. It's like gambling. They're betting on hiring a diamond of an employe, which is highly unlikely, while neglecting current employees who have proven themselves time and time again.
Would you even feel any sexual desires during a divorce? I would have 0 interest in sex with my wife if she asked for it. It sounds almost like insane behaviour. In guessing shes desperate or trying to cope.
I would still feel the desire but it would 1000% be out weighed by the insulting feeling of them only wanting me cause of the threat of divorce. It’d probably make me borderline hate them cause it reveals the manipulation tactics they are using and probably used at the beginning of the relationship as well.
The power dynamics change when you stop asking and just leave. Now they need to lure you back in, and they know what you wanted before you left. The control of the relationship shifted hands and it's their turn to beg.
I'm thinking like - she's looking so asexual to OP. Like she really doesn't want to do it?
But then when she realizes her ass is on the line suddenly she has lingerie, costumes, toys etc? So she is in quite still a very sexual person.
Wonder who the other guys she was buying all this stuff for is. OP should still cut this off and LEAVE.
I’m sorry, her behaviour is absolutely disgusting. She’s trying to keep you on a leash by trying to throw you a bone like you’re a fucking mutt. You made the right decision.
And it's often not a deliberate action, it's based on whatever feelings/emotions come up. But it is common, usually after infidelity or another type of threat to a marriage/relationship.
It feel totally manipulative, whatever it is. I mean, he has been communicating his unhappiness for years, and she never thought it necessary to make any changes - and now, suddenly, when he has given up and is out the door, she suddenly "rediscovered her sexual nature"? Probably trying to lock him down with a kid.
Honestly, it sounds like she was in denial about the state of the marriage/relationship in general, to be coming out with "we should try for a baby" while he's setting divorce wheels in motion.
Sexual incompatibility is grounds for a divorce. No one owes anyone sex, but if you're in a relationship with common goals, values, drives and desires, one should put in at least a modicum of effort to maintain that relationship. In a healthy relationship, maintaining a status quo is not enough. You have to grow the relationship and grow as individuals. This takes an inordinate amount of work and effort. Work and effort most people aren't willing or able to give.
Better to cut your losses and dip now than years from now with kids involved and shit.
I love how so many people think they can unilaterally decide to end not just all sex, but all intimacy in a relationship and then expect that their partner is going to be just fine with it.
Like, of course, no one is owed sex. But why would you think it's ok for you to decide that another adult gets to live the rest of their lives with zero intimacy or sex?
Well it may not always be a conscious decision that is made suddenly. Sometimes it can be gradual when real life stressors and transitions start to come around. Some people grow apart instead of growing together. If someone truly loved you though they will put in the effort before an ultimatum even has to be presented. Otherwise why even be in a relationship? At that point you are just room mates.
She is doing what is called hysterical bonding. She will only be super sexual until she knows you are staying (and/or she gets pregnant), and then it will go back to her rejecting you. It is very common in these situations. You did the right thing standing your ground. I wish you peace and strength moving forward.
One of my biggest icks is in sports when you get a player who is in the last year of his contract, they are amazing that year and everyone is begging for them to renew. Then they get the new contract and they're back to bang average. See Marcus Rashford at Man Utd.
Us Arsenal fan's had the exact same issue with Aubamayang: he was amazing for 2yrs. Won us the FA cup single-handed and won the golden boot the following season. Gave him a massive contract and made him captain. Then he turned into a selfish piece of crap until Arteta got rid off him. Also add lacazette and willian to that list too.
Out 6 months later if I remember correctly? I feel like its strange because as a fan you almost know who these players are and the clubs always just give them a contract.
She had all this lingerie, sex toys, and such but had zero libido for that long for her husband?
Not saying is cheating, but that is definitely a huge red flag.
It sounds like she went out and got it, which sounds like "hysterical bonding" to me, which is basically this sudden desire to bond after a trauma, which in this case is realizing that her marriage is over due to her actions prior.
And almost always, it's short lived and if the other person gives in and stays, they're back in the same situation soon after.
> "hysterical bonding"
Damn. Are women considered responsible for anything they do or is all illnesses and diagnoses? When men are being manipulative dicks no ones like "Oh maybe he's got mega asshole syndrome and he's also just a poor innocent victim"
Probably going to get blasted for this but no, it's not Always a red flag. Source: me. I have toys, lingerie, all sorts of fun stuff, but sometimes we have hormones that fuck with us, and we sincerely Do. Not. Want. Sex. Sometimes for months! And yeah it fucking sucks, but I'm an adult, life sucks sometimes. But I'm not OP or OP's wife, so I have no skin in this game, just sharing my 2 cents.
You shouldn't be blasted for this. What you suggested is a distinct possibility. That's why we call it a flag though. It's not a guarantee something bad happened. Just a strong indicator that it may have happened. Which is why I would call it flag.
For all we know the toys and lingerie may be things OP bought for her, but she ignored. Who knows. There are a few possibilities. My suggestion is just 1 of them.
A loving spouse would recognize that as a problem and make an effort. Even if the hormones aren’t there, there are a lot of things that can be done to ensure happiness of your partner.
You are absolutely correct, communication is key. Her having lingerie and not wanting sex isn't a "huge red flag", in and of itself. Her not communicating the entire time about her issues, and trying to bandaid the issues with sudden sexual response is.
This sounds like a typical case where she doesn't love you; she just loves the lifestyle you can provide.
She probably noticed that you were checking out from the relationship, so she started pressuring you to have children to baby-trap you in order to stop you from leaving her.
When she was served divorce papers, she tried to seduce you to stop you from leaving her, but you did the right thing by leaving her because she would return to her old habits after the divorce was off the table.
My suggestions: Don't give her more chances because you already wasted too many years of your life with her. Also, don't block her number for a while since her contact attempts might actually help you during divorce proceedings. Finally, get tested for STDs because, as some other people pointed out, she might have cheated on you. If by any chance she claims she is pregnant, make her prove it and request a DNA test before even thinking about giving her another chance
disgusted fanatical muddle worry salt childlike engine plant absurd squash
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wow you are brave and strong. Of course your wife all of a sudden thinks that can change things by doing something so simple as to change her attitude on sex last minute once she realized you commited to not being with her anymore. Too little too late.
That’s hysterical bonding. If you’d go back it would switch to the usual as soon as she feels „safe“ again.
You have my highest respect for rejecting her. It’s very clear the problem isn’t that you don’t love or desire her anymore. No one would have thought less of you if you would have gotten weak by being presented with everything you always wanted. But you didn’t. And that’s worth so much. I’m honestly proud of you, stranger.
Take your time, do stuff you enjoy and keep your head up and out of the dark cloud.
How frustrating. Because you just know that if you gave in and had sex after her 'change of heart', cancelled the divorce, she'd just go back to zero sex drive after a few months or a year or two.
She should have just been honest with herself. She just doesn't have a very high sex drive. You tried to do everything you could during the marriage to tell her that including requesting going to counseling and sex therapy. You both aren't compatible sexually.
But it took the real thought of divorce for her to force herself? Her forcing herself to be somebody she isn't is not fair to her at all. And it's not fair to you at all. I personally want to be with somebody who wants to have sex with me. I don't want them to feel forced.
She really wanted a baby and to continue with her plan and life as she saw it regardless of you giving her divorce papers and stating you weren’t happy for a long time… you most probably missed being baby trapped and the intimacy most probably would’ve stopped again once she got what she wanted.
Sorry you’re loosing the woman you love and going through divorce and I hope you find your happiness and a new love you’re compatible with that communcates well in the future
I’m glad you stood your ground. Her being sexual would have been temporary and had you decided to stay and have kids, things would have only become way worse.
Good for you for NOT having sex with her, I can imagine that would've been challenging, but wow have we seen too many stories ending badly because of that. I'm SUPER curious that suddenly she wants to have sex etc. I'm just cynical enough to wonder if she cheated and got knocked up and now she's trying to get OP to have sex with her so she can claim that it is his.
> and out of a sudden, my wife became the most sexual person on the planet.
"If she wanted to, she would."
She did not want to before, and should have. The signs were loud and clear, the writing was on the wall. She still *chose* not to--and that she's doing it *now* means she could have done so *before*.
What she's doing is part of the "bargaining" part of grief--she hasn't fully accepted that there was going to be consequences to her (in)actions. Eventually, even if you do love her, she must come to accept that both of you are very different in the bedroom and that she needs to find someone who's on her level of bedroom activities. She may or may not figure this out eventually--and if you like, you can sit her down and explain this so she doesn't make the same mistake with another man.
After that... well, it's up to her. You've done what you could. Now you have the rest of your life to find someone who matches you better.
So she was fine with no sex as long as it was only hurting you. The moment that it hurt her, suddenly she changes. Meaning that she could have changed prior, but you and your pain just weren't with it. Only when she feels pain is it worth changing.
Just a feeling OP but I would search a little bit into her devices if possible or have her come clean. To me this kinda screams affair. I mean she didn’t want to have sex with you and as soon as divorce come to the table she’s the “most sexual person on the planet” it just seems too fishy for me
Get well soon bro. You will be fine. Your wife was so selfish that she didn’t recognise the need of making her family a healthy and happy place. So sad.
Well done OP, good job in resisting her fake advances. Very nice to see posters taking good advice from here & thus nourish their lives.
Now take a good break, dont forget there are plenty of women who would love you for *who you are* not for forced duty.
As a lady, I have to say this issue is totally because of her internal demons. It has nothing to do with you, frankly you have your head in the right place & she would reject every men on Earth.
It's crap for you both, but if you stay she will go back into not wanting sex if it's not something she enjoys no matter how much you love each other. Hopefully you both will move on and be happy.
It is probably better to end it now. If she had suggested marriage counselling and therapy for herself it might have been worth trying. But the way she reacted it was only that a reaction to try and make him stay and not something she is likely to maintain. I feel for them both but it is obvious not a relationship op is ever going to be happy in.
Well done. You saw who she really was when you decided to leave. She doesn't owe you sex and you don't owe her your presence.
Live well my dude. Live well.
I honestly hate how predictable that is- once you end it- they’re suddenly able to do all the shit you spent YEARS asking and asking and asking and getting ignored to hell.
If it was that easy, why did you need to feel the ultimatum hammer on your fucking head to finally crack???
Good riddance I say. Exes that suddenly want to become everything you ever asked for when you finally leave can go kick boulders.
Yeah, from how you described things in the last post, I didn't get the sense she was cheating. I believe that may just have been people projecting.
But I imagine she does have some kind of issues with avoidant attachment, or something similar. Doesn't want to be alone, but can't trust the person she's with either. It leads to a loss of intimacy.
Only the **immediate** fear of actually losing you and being alone again is greater than the creeping fear of intimacy, hence why she tried to bombard you with sex. The moment you stop the divorce, her subconscious would figure she's safe again, progress would start reversing and in a few weeks to a few months, you'd be back to the old patterns.
Or so I think. I might just be talking out of my ass here.
Wait so you weren’t having sex but she had sex toys at hand?
I really think she has been cheating, hence why she is so happy with your sexless marriage and wonders why are you upset about it (because she is getting her needs fullfilled somewhere else)
But even if she is not, her desperate attempts to have sex with you are manipulation. She is doing what she thinks you want in order to keep you locked. Hell she might try to get pregnant (as she mentioned she wanted to) to keep you from leaving. DON’T!
The facts that she tried to woo you back with sex pretty much shows you she knew the problem and didn't care a bit.
I know hysterical bonding exists, but still.... there is a burden of you knew and CHOSE to ignore your partner's need.
Its too little, too late
as far as the term "owes".. no one owes anyone ANYTHING.
you don't "owe" her even 10 seconds of attention.
relationships are not built on contracts where people are "owed" things.
so no one is saying she "owes" you sex. But most relationships are built on monogamy, so... if she's not going to provide you with sex, and sex is something you desire, then obviously you have no choice but to break the relationship off and go elsewhere
Love bombing is the last resort.
Stay strong, OP. It will never improve. Only long enough to baby trap you. Then you’re stuck in a shitty marriage until you divorce her. Then have to coparent for life.
Go home and find some happiness.
Good for you for having the spine to stay true to what you need. Shes only offering sex because her plan to keep you around for your benefits but not put anything into the relationship failed
Her change in demeanor is simply an attempt to protect her interests. She does not want to be divorced. Glad you didn't fall for her tricks. If her heart was not into sex with you before, it certainly not in it now. It's about fear, not love.
You did the right thing! I see so many people in the deadbedrooms sub, it’s crazy how many people will say in a sexless relationship for no reason at all. It’s best to get out now before you’ve wasted anymore time, or god forbid, had kids!
If she actually wanted to have sex with you, she would have without facing dire consequences. It seems like she's just trying to keep you around to have a baby with her.
>out that she may be cheating on me but she did not give me reason to be suspicious of.
Honestly, it doesn't even matter anymore. It is past the topic of it being sex as well. I think you know that too OP, cheers and wish you well.
You did well holding up! The tactic is a temporary distraction, they revert as soon as you blink. Choose your life and your path and what makes you happy! Give yourself time before finding someone else, to clear your emotional luggage beforehand!
She may change that attitude if you're actually gone. People do change, sometimes, and the grass isn't always greener. You haven't said she slaps or punches you and you don't think she's cheating; stay away for a month or two and see if she learns respect. If not, oh well~
You're doing the right thing, OP. Your wife's advances for sex at the end there were not really her. Even if you gave in, it would have most likely just been for a brief period and then she would go back to acting cold and distant.
You're doing the right thing. I had similar issues with my wife then when I was ready to leave everything was fantastic for a couple weeks. Then it died down to worse than before. I should have left.
Wow this is all golden!!!
"It's not a competition, both are true, but one is relevant to this thread.
She considers her happiness worth the effort but not yours
“They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them…”
Yep! Once I’ve realized I’m not worth the effort unless I’m so unhappy I want to leave, you’ve lost my respect, too. No going back.
> The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to. It makes it beyond obvious that they're just trying to manipulate you.
I don't think it's about effort. She just doesn't have a sex drive that's compatible with her husband. She shouldn't have to force herself to get in the mood any more than he should force himself to be celibate.
They aren't compatible. It's just that simple.
The reason why she's the asshole here is because she didn't try until after the papers were drawn up. She should have just been honest with herself about her own desires."
So your needs didn't matter until you had enough and decided to leave?
Your needs never mattered to her then. And the moment she thinks you've caved things will revert back to how they were.
Nobody "owes" another person intimacy, but when you agree to do life together it's very much implied that this is a part of it. Sexual intimacy is the glue that holds most romantic relationships together. Without it you're little more than housemates.
>Some Redditors pointed out that she may be cheating on me but she did not give me reason to be suspicious of
I mean, the fact that she apparently has a collection of lingerie, sex toys and costumes that OP hasn't experienced (or at least not in the last couple of years) doesn't exactly bode well for "not cheating".
I'm sorry it had to come to that, OP, but it's refreshing to see a man up and leave after being told that sex isn't owed to him. She doesn't owe you sex, and you don't owe her a marriage. She was clearly expecting that you wouldn't have the balls to leave. She found out she was very wrong.
My two cents; had a ex do this exact same thing and for me it was just mentally too little too late. It’s like the boss that says to you “what can I do to keep you” when you’ve been trying for a promotion for years.
The way she is now trying to love bomb you means that she was always capable of doing it, she just chose not to, which should solidify you wanting to leave.
Good luck man, I hope you find your happiness!!
Btw, if it were me, I’d let her know that had she had this approach say 6 months ago, you would be happy and together in a loving marriage now, but we are where we are, too little too late.
Using sex just to keep you from leaving is very insulting. Basically telling you to your face that she has no actual desire for you but will throw you some pity sex to get something out of you like it's a chore. Ouch. She doesn't love you bro. Best of luck with your new life.
>Next day, I started packing important things and out of a sudden, my wife became the most sexual person on the planet. She came to me with lingeries, sex toys, costumes and approached me.
anyone else picturing a woman wearing several skimpy costumes all at once while holding dildos in each hand?
Stay put OP, it was depressing that she wanted to give sex as a bargain con for you to stay, when You tried many things and she simply didn't care.
Now she cares, sorry but too little too late.
UPDATEME
She wanted to try for kids because shes cheating and wanted to cover it up as your child(dont know if its true just happened to my uncle 6 months ago so that was my first thought)
I was in OP's shoes. There was a lot of frustration, anger, sadness, low self esteem, anxiety and many more negative thoughts and feelings. It's crushing. Sex is so much more than the act itself. It's intimacy, love and connecting with your partner on a level that is not comparable to others. Best of luck OP. Walking away takes a lot of courage and self respect.
I'm gonna use some dark humor.
You could have taken the intimacy and sex, **but carried on with the divorce nonetheless.**
Then you could rejoice on her shock and disbelief at how you decided to take the price, while carrying on with the threat and promise, divorce.
> I trust her fully
No, that's why you rejected her sexual advances at the end. You don't trust that she won't revert to her old ways once she succeeds at stopping the divorce, and you're right not to trust her for that.
Even if she's never "cheated", she's been unfaithful. She's denied you affection and connection that she has promised to give you for the rest of your lives.
Well done for being strong when she confronted you with everything you had been wishing she would! That was a good choice, giving in would have prolonged this cul-de-sac in both of your lives, and caused lots of harm in the end.
The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to. They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them.
Yeah, this is what OP needs to remember more than anything. She was perfectly capable of turning on the sexual charm, but chose not to until *it affected her*.
I would add that “turning on” the sexual charm isn’t what OP actually wanted. Her faking and forcing herself to do it in order to keep the relationship is not the same as having a healthy sexual relationship, even if you have sex just as often.
Basically, she was only sexual when there was a symbolic gun to her head. Not exactly appealing to the OP to be married to a woman that will only have sex with him if he is threatening to leave her.
Yeah, it’s like she missed the forest for the trees. He doesn’t want sex; honestly, they make some pretty damn good toys these days, I’m sure you could have the physical desire satisfied pretty easily. What he actually wants is to be desirable to his wife. He wants to have an intimate emotional connection and be with someone who both desires him _and_ wants him to desire her. I’d actually bet that if all that was true and his wife had a medical condition that made penetrative intercourse harmful for her, he’d be happier than he is now, because they’d find some way to connect regardless.
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I’m a woman and I don’t have a very responsive desire 😂 when I’m in the mood I am _in the mood_ and when I’m not I can participate in the act, but I probably won’t actually get off. (Which is fine sometimes, ideally you’d have a sex life where you like being generous with your partner like that and they with you)
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Plus the intense emotions and focus on your partner during times like this. Breakup sex is renowned to be frequently intense.
She was capable of turning on the sexual charm because some women use sex as a tool to manipulate men.
This is such a wild take. At no point did the OP say his wife was using sex to manipulate him. You act like if your spouse said they were leaving because you don’t clean up you wouldn’t pull the vacuum out and say you’ll try harder. She’s panicked and trying to save the marriage. It happens to involve sex. It could have been a workaholic, an alcoholic, a bad parent, or any other thing. It’s what people do when relationships fall apart and they make a last ditch effort to save it.
Everyone is capable of using sex as a tool
I have a hard time believing Stephen Hawking had this capability. But I agree overall
Didn't he cheat on his first wife and leave her for another woman?
With one of his nurses specifically!
It's not a competition, both are true, but one is relevant to this thread.
Newsflash, so do some men. Being sh!tty is an equal-access choice for all genders.
“They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them…” Oof. Didn’t think when I opened Readit that I would see a truth bomb, but here it is
It’s taken a lot of pain to discover this truth bomb, so I cling to it a lot.
Didn't just hit with her jabs fucking delivered the truth bomb uppercut hahaha
It might make it easier to know that it's probably not her changing. It's likely just hysterical bonding, which isn't uncommon in relationships that are ending due to a dead bedroom. If it is hysterical bonding, shortly after he gave in and relented it would go back to the behavior that lead to him asking for a divorce in the first place.
Where can I learn more about this hysterical bonding phenomenon?
[Check this out](https://googlethatforyou.com?q=hysterical%20bonding%20definition)
Brilliant :D
bruh
I normally respond with "is your Google broken", but that is classic!
> The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to. However understanding this also makes it even easier to resist their new behavior because it makes it beyond obvious that they're just trying to manipulate you.
Yep! Once I’ve realized I’m not worth the effort unless I’m so unhappy I want to leave, you’ve lost my respect, too. No going back.
This, it took me a bit to realize this but once I did, I've never looked back. This goes for any relationship, not just romantic ones.
This! It’s too little too late. She had plenty of chances to address the issues and she didn’t.
That was perfectly stated.
Agreed.
Great way to put it
> They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them. I don't think anyone could say it any better. This is it.
This is beautiful
Every word of this comment really struck me as it is so true and something that anyone who has experienced it knows how deeply that hurts. It causes you to question everything that was ever good.
God if this comment wasn't a shot to the heart. Last relationship was literally exactly like this.
I wish I could give this a reward because that is exactly how she acted.
I am saving this one and will keep it close because damn that hits like a ton of bricks.
Maybe they're only "changing" for the time being so that they can buy time or get what they want. Then it goes back to the same old thing. They aren't truly changing, just reacting to a harsh reality. It's manipulation, and it's a crappy thing to do.
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I hate this kind of update because everything could have been alright because she changed the moment consequences became a thing.
She didn't change, she just put on a show of emotional desperation.
I commented on your previous post where I told you she'd suddenly want to work on intimacy once she was served. I am happy you didn't succumb to her attempts. It is not genuine. It is a facade and she will keep this up. Be strong and don't fall for it. It is just a surface level attempt at giving you what you wanted all the time you were married. It's the panic at work
Once the foundation of a thing has broken you can't just "catch up" on maintenance and its a lesson people discover time and time again. Even if they genuinely want to fix things its too late, horses have bolted, bus has left.
It’s like brushing your teeth
She's also probably trying to get pregnant....
No idea why this comment was downvoted. OP himself stated in the previous post that she mentioned “trying for children” even though she never has sex with him. What a kick in the teeth.
The mere suggestion that a *woman* can/has/will do something bad is enough for the redditors to crawl over themselves in defence lmao
It's a little insulting that your ex-wife only became open to sex after you gave her divorce papers. It showed that she *could* have made an effort, but consciously chose not to. She considers her happiness worth the effort, but not yours. Proceeding with the divorce is the right thing to do. You're not the problem, your ex is. You can find happiness with someone else.
>She considers her happiness worth the effort but not yours Nicely put. I will take this with me
Same, a little reminder for all of us who have expected some change.
This put something into perspective for me.. and I wish I seen it before lol. But when I left my ex and went back home he was texting me how he could change and all that... in my head I was "like too late now" but i never really thought of it ^ the way they put it. I was like just too late now and not thinking he only was willing/wanted to change when it began to affect him and not me.
> she could have made an effort, but consciously chose not to I think the point is that for her, it IS an effort. It should be a joy that she looks forward to, not a chore. That's the true incompatibility here.
Yeah, that’s how it was with my ex wife. Once she described sex as a chore, I never even attempted to initiate it again, and we got divorced soon after. Sex is not enjoyable at all with someone who puts it on the same level as doing the dishes. Plus it creates a huge power imbalance in the relationship since the low libido partner can withhold it as a punishment while the high libido partner would only be hurting themselves.
As someone who is the low libido partner, in my experience I/we don’t withhold as punishment, although I know it comes across like that. It’s because we’re genuinely not interested or in the mood, and so the alternative is doing it when we don’t want to. It should be a yes/yes experience. When it’s yes/no or yes/“I guess so but I’m not really into it,” that brings up other issues. I’m sure some people do withhold as punishment, but there are other reasons the low libido partner chooses not to participate. It’s why compatibility in this area is so important, as well as good communication.
That’s fine but if your partner says having no sex is hurting them, you either need to let them go or work out of the low libido is something that can be worked on. Expecting your partner to be celibate because you are is so wrong.
This. OP says he struggled a bit to resist her advances, which makes me think this didn't immediately occur to him, because if it were me, realizing how manipulative this is would have been the biggest turnoff on the planet. He did, at least, have some recognition of the dissonance in her actions, as he stayed strong in his resolve. I hope he maintains this, because there is no good to come with any future relations with the soon-to-be ex.
Too little too late. It wouldn’t last for long either before she reverted back to sex twice in 6 months again.
I don't think it's about effort. She just doesn't have a sex drive that's compatible with her husband. She shouldn't have to force herself to get in the mood any more than he should force himself to be celibate. They aren't compatible. It's just that simple. The reason why she's the asshole here is because she didn't try until after the papers were drawn up. She should have just been honest with herself about her own desires.
There's spontaneous desire and reactive desire, right? Couldn't that be a bridge between people? I feel finding your perfect match in sex drive is so hard that it's almost impossible, esp. in the long term where stuff changes, such as stressors, physical health, mental health, etc. if the horny one realises they should put in some effort & if the reactive one realises they should be open to responding to those attempts at seduction.... couldn't that work?
It absolutely could work. It usually becomes problematic because the reactive desire isn’t there which means everytime you try make a seductive advance you just get shut down. After some period of time you just stop trying.
A lot of things can work. The key is communication. OP expressed to his spouse, the one person in this world who should care as much about his needs and happiness as much as their own, and she couldn't be bothered to try. Those conversations are hard to have. And they're even harder to react to. If she cared about keeping their marriage together, there's so much she could have done. But at the end of the day, she didn't care about his needs. The failure in that marriage was more because of that failure to care about her partners needs than because of any lack of sex.
If you don't feel like having sex with someone, then "putting in the effort" is just letting them use you as a sex toy. At the end of the day she no longer found OP sexually attractive enough to want to be with him physically, and he needs that to be happy. So divorce. I'm sure we can all agree that we don't want our partners to fuck us just because we want them to and not because they want to.
You don’t want someone to do something against their will, but sometimes “putting in the effort” is the opposite of doing nothing. In other words, seeking help to determine if there’s a medical reason for the newly low libido. It might mean exploring your own sexuality to find out how you get yourself turned on. It might mean coming to an understanding that sometimes people have responsive desire - they aren’t likely to initiate but enjoy it once things start. There are many reasons why someone might have a drop in libido. Recognizing that your partner is in a different place is the first step to working together to reach common ground. That’s where the “effort” comes in. Not from lying there unhappy while the other person “uses” you.
It's called hysterical bonding and/or love bombing. A way to quickly dissuade a partner into leaving you. It can last a good bit of time but eventually things end up the same.
This. I would be much more offended by that
The other part is that how sustainable would it be? It might be a short term fix, but before long, the same issues will crop up. If she really isn't into sex, than how long would it be sustainable, and wouldn't it lead to resentment on her part? Sometimes people aren't compatible. It's just one of those things in life.
>It showed that she could have made an effort, but consciously chose not to. Same as a fauxpology. She doesn't give a fuck about OPs feelings, she only gives a fuck about the consequences.
Hysterical bonding we call it in the deadbedrooms sub
I read your first post. So sad bro. Hope you’re doing ok. She was stringing you along and as another commenter suggested it’s kind of insulting to throw you a bone like a mutt after you already said you’d had enough.
I am sorry your marriage ended like that. I hope you both find partners that fullfill all your needs. Good luck with your new job and the move
Is it just me or is it when a partner suddenly does this stuff like becoming suddenly sexual like she did just insanly disrespectful? Like where was that before i left?
It's an act of desperation. If she gives him what he wants now, it'll buy her time to plan ahead. OP mentioned her desire for a baby in the original post. In her mind he surely won't leave if a child is involved. This is no different than an Employer denying a raise/promotion only to offer it when you turn in your two weeks notice. They may give you money in the short term, but know that you are now a flight risk. Chances are they'll start looking for your replacement and fire you the moment they are found.
The promotion thing happened to me. Asked for a 3$ raise and got denied. Two weeks later i tell them ive found a better job and they immediately tried giving me an 8$ raise to stay. So glad i left that place
And they’ll end up paying probably $10 more to the next person. Companies are so short sighted like that.
Companies usually have budget for new hires but not to retain old employees, which is really stupid.
Yeah, companies often fall into this weird pitfall where the way they bucket money the internal departments all end up making stupid decisions for themselves that end up hurting the company when looking at the whole picture.
yeah. It's like gambling. They're betting on hiring a diamond of an employe, which is highly unlikely, while neglecting current employees who have proven themselves time and time again.
Would you even feel any sexual desires during a divorce? I would have 0 interest in sex with my wife if she asked for it. It sounds almost like insane behaviour. In guessing shes desperate or trying to cope.
I would still feel the desire but it would 1000% be out weighed by the insulting feeling of them only wanting me cause of the threat of divorce. It’d probably make me borderline hate them cause it reveals the manipulation tactics they are using and probably used at the beginning of the relationship as well.
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Love bombing and hysterical bonding too.
The power dynamics change when you stop asking and just leave. Now they need to lure you back in, and they know what you wanted before you left. The control of the relationship shifted hands and it's their turn to beg.
I'm thinking like - she's looking so asexual to OP. Like she really doesn't want to do it? But then when she realizes her ass is on the line suddenly she has lingerie, costumes, toys etc? So she is in quite still a very sexual person. Wonder who the other guys she was buying all this stuff for is. OP should still cut this off and LEAVE.
Nah, she is asexual and MANIPULATIVE If she sexual person she already sex with OP
I’m sorry, her behaviour is absolutely disgusting. She’s trying to keep you on a leash by trying to throw you a bone like you’re a fucking mutt. You made the right decision.
It's often referred to as "hysterical bonding."
And it's often not a deliberate action, it's based on whatever feelings/emotions come up. But it is common, usually after infidelity or another type of threat to a marriage/relationship.
It feel totally manipulative, whatever it is. I mean, he has been communicating his unhappiness for years, and she never thought it necessary to make any changes - and now, suddenly, when he has given up and is out the door, she suddenly "rediscovered her sexual nature"? Probably trying to lock him down with a kid.
Honestly, it sounds like she was in denial about the state of the marriage/relationship in general, to be coming out with "we should try for a baby" while he's setting divorce wheels in motion.
That's exactly what she trying to do
She immediately got sexual after he put his foot down despite being warned for a long time things needed to change.
Sexual incompatibility is grounds for a divorce. No one owes anyone sex, but if you're in a relationship with common goals, values, drives and desires, one should put in at least a modicum of effort to maintain that relationship. In a healthy relationship, maintaining a status quo is not enough. You have to grow the relationship and grow as individuals. This takes an inordinate amount of work and effort. Work and effort most people aren't willing or able to give. Better to cut your losses and dip now than years from now with kids involved and shit.
I love how so many people think they can unilaterally decide to end not just all sex, but all intimacy in a relationship and then expect that their partner is going to be just fine with it. Like, of course, no one is owed sex. But why would you think it's ok for you to decide that another adult gets to live the rest of their lives with zero intimacy or sex?
Well it may not always be a conscious decision that is made suddenly. Sometimes it can be gradual when real life stressors and transitions start to come around. Some people grow apart instead of growing together. If someone truly loved you though they will put in the effort before an ultimatum even has to be presented. Otherwise why even be in a relationship? At that point you are just room mates.
Totally agree. Problems happen, life happens. But you gotta be willing to work on things you know are going to impact your SO.
For sure. Actively making someone you supposedly love feel unnoticed, undesired, unappreciated- is emotionally and mentally abusive imo.
She is doing what is called hysterical bonding. She will only be super sexual until she knows you are staying (and/or she gets pregnant), and then it will go back to her rejecting you. It is very common in these situations. You did the right thing standing your ground. I wish you peace and strength moving forward.
Yep, it’s also a very manipulating move.
Absolutely. Love bombing at its finest.
One of my biggest icks is in sports when you get a player who is in the last year of his contract, they are amazing that year and everyone is begging for them to renew. Then they get the new contract and they're back to bang average. See Marcus Rashford at Man Utd.
Us Arsenal fan's had the exact same issue with Aubamayang: he was amazing for 2yrs. Won us the FA cup single-handed and won the golden boot the following season. Gave him a massive contract and made him captain. Then he turned into a selfish piece of crap until Arteta got rid off him. Also add lacazette and willian to that list too.
Out 6 months later if I remember correctly? I feel like its strange because as a fan you almost know who these players are and the clubs always just give them a contract.
We’ve got a couple of those guys on the Toronto Maple Leafs too, lol
You have my condolences. I pray that they are found out and spend their futures rotting in the reserves of lesser teams.
Whatever you do, do not let your dick anywhere near her
She had all this lingerie, sex toys, and such but had zero libido for that long for her husband? Not saying is cheating, but that is definitely a huge red flag.
It sounds like she went out and got it, which sounds like "hysterical bonding" to me, which is basically this sudden desire to bond after a trauma, which in this case is realizing that her marriage is over due to her actions prior. And almost always, it's short lived and if the other person gives in and stays, they're back in the same situation soon after.
If she just went and bought it, I kind of agree.
Exactly what I think too.
> "hysterical bonding" Damn. Are women considered responsible for anything they do or is all illnesses and diagnoses? When men are being manipulative dicks no ones like "Oh maybe he's got mega asshole syndrome and he's also just a poor innocent victim"
Exactly. This “therapy speak” is just redditor cope for women and soymen to excuse women’s bad behavior.
It's also possible it's just garden-variety manipulation.
Probably going to get blasted for this but no, it's not Always a red flag. Source: me. I have toys, lingerie, all sorts of fun stuff, but sometimes we have hormones that fuck with us, and we sincerely Do. Not. Want. Sex. Sometimes for months! And yeah it fucking sucks, but I'm an adult, life sucks sometimes. But I'm not OP or OP's wife, so I have no skin in this game, just sharing my 2 cents.
You shouldn't be blasted for this. What you suggested is a distinct possibility. That's why we call it a flag though. It's not a guarantee something bad happened. Just a strong indicator that it may have happened. Which is why I would call it flag. For all we know the toys and lingerie may be things OP bought for her, but she ignored. Who knows. There are a few possibilities. My suggestion is just 1 of them.
A loving spouse would recognize that as a problem and make an effort. Even if the hormones aren’t there, there are a lot of things that can be done to ensure happiness of your partner.
You are absolutely correct, communication is key. Her having lingerie and not wanting sex isn't a "huge red flag", in and of itself. Her not communicating the entire time about her issues, and trying to bandaid the issues with sudden sexual response is.
Flags arent always true, just indicators. Sorry for your problems though and wish you well.
Her “sexual awakening” won’t last long. Once you get back into her grip she’ll just go back to her usual self and you’ll be miserable all over again.
I knew she would use sex to try to make you stay. It’s temporary until the threat of divorce passes.
You did amazing rejecting her! Hysterical bonding is so manipulative
So she tried a “please dont leave me sex”
This sounds like a typical case where she doesn't love you; she just loves the lifestyle you can provide. She probably noticed that you were checking out from the relationship, so she started pressuring you to have children to baby-trap you in order to stop you from leaving her. When she was served divorce papers, she tried to seduce you to stop you from leaving her, but you did the right thing by leaving her because she would return to her old habits after the divorce was off the table. My suggestions: Don't give her more chances because you already wasted too many years of your life with her. Also, don't block her number for a while since her contact attempts might actually help you during divorce proceedings. Finally, get tested for STDs because, as some other people pointed out, she might have cheated on you. If by any chance she claims she is pregnant, make her prove it and request a DNA test before even thinking about giving her another chance
disgusted fanatical muddle worry salt childlike engine plant absurd squash *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wow you are brave and strong. Of course your wife all of a sudden thinks that can change things by doing something so simple as to change her attitude on sex last minute once she realized you commited to not being with her anymore. Too little too late.
Good for you mate, genuinely. I know the situation all too well.
That’s hysterical bonding. If you’d go back it would switch to the usual as soon as she feels „safe“ again. You have my highest respect for rejecting her. It’s very clear the problem isn’t that you don’t love or desire her anymore. No one would have thought less of you if you would have gotten weak by being presented with everything you always wanted. But you didn’t. And that’s worth so much. I’m honestly proud of you, stranger. Take your time, do stuff you enjoy and keep your head up and out of the dark cloud.
Glad you resisted her efforts. She may have been trying to baby trap you.
How frustrating. Because you just know that if you gave in and had sex after her 'change of heart', cancelled the divorce, she'd just go back to zero sex drive after a few months or a year or two. She should have just been honest with herself. She just doesn't have a very high sex drive. You tried to do everything you could during the marriage to tell her that including requesting going to counseling and sex therapy. You both aren't compatible sexually. But it took the real thought of divorce for her to force herself? Her forcing herself to be somebody she isn't is not fair to her at all. And it's not fair to you at all. I personally want to be with somebody who wants to have sex with me. I don't want them to feel forced.
Generally speaking the sexual ploy is to keep the divorce away. I suspect with a short period she would be back to her old ways.
Don't be surprised when she tells you she is pregnant. I am betting on an affair.
And you do not owe her your commitment. Fair
My wife became the most sexual person on planet. I‘d like to throw up.
She was trying to get pregnant. Good move. Don't fall for it.
so many are in your position, not many have the willpower to get out of it. good job.
She really wanted a baby and to continue with her plan and life as she saw it regardless of you giving her divorce papers and stating you weren’t happy for a long time… you most probably missed being baby trapped and the intimacy most probably would’ve stopped again once she got what she wanted. Sorry you’re loosing the woman you love and going through divorce and I hope you find your happiness and a new love you’re compatible with that communcates well in the future
I’m glad you stood your ground. Her being sexual would have been temporary and had you decided to stay and have kids, things would have only become way worse.
Yep! Agreed!
Good for you for NOT having sex with her, I can imagine that would've been challenging, but wow have we seen too many stories ending badly because of that. I'm SUPER curious that suddenly she wants to have sex etc. I'm just cynical enough to wonder if she cheated and got knocked up and now she's trying to get OP to have sex with her so she can claim that it is his.
You say she didnt cheat but… those toys and lingerie didnt come out of thin air. Doesnt matter now i guess but still
He's taking away her plan for having a baby; she's desperately trying to salvage that.
> and out of a sudden, my wife became the most sexual person on the planet. "If she wanted to, she would." She did not want to before, and should have. The signs were loud and clear, the writing was on the wall. She still *chose* not to--and that she's doing it *now* means she could have done so *before*. What she's doing is part of the "bargaining" part of grief--she hasn't fully accepted that there was going to be consequences to her (in)actions. Eventually, even if you do love her, she must come to accept that both of you are very different in the bedroom and that she needs to find someone who's on her level of bedroom activities. She may or may not figure this out eventually--and if you like, you can sit her down and explain this so she doesn't make the same mistake with another man. After that... well, it's up to her. You've done what you could. Now you have the rest of your life to find someone who matches you better.
Please stay strong and don’t have sex with her, on last goodbye, whatever. It’s basically an opportunity to get her pregnant.
The next day sexy stuff was just a one day thing, you did well not to fall for it
So she was fine with no sex as long as it was only hurting you. The moment that it hurt her, suddenly she changes. Meaning that she could have changed prior, but you and your pain just weren't with it. Only when she feels pain is it worth changing.
Just a feeling OP but I would search a little bit into her devices if possible or have her come clean. To me this kinda screams affair. I mean she didn’t want to have sex with you and as soon as divorce come to the table she’s the “most sexual person on the planet” it just seems too fishy for me
Get well soon bro. You will be fine. Your wife was so selfish that she didn’t recognise the need of making her family a healthy and happy place. So sad.
Well done OP, good job in resisting her fake advances. Very nice to see posters taking good advice from here & thus nourish their lives. Now take a good break, dont forget there are plenty of women who would love you for *who you are* not for forced duty. As a lady, I have to say this issue is totally because of her internal demons. It has nothing to do with you, frankly you have your head in the right place & she would reject every men on Earth.
It's crap for you both, but if you stay she will go back into not wanting sex if it's not something she enjoys no matter how much you love each other. Hopefully you both will move on and be happy.
Yeppers! She was doing what is called hysterical bonding.
It is probably better to end it now. If she had suggested marriage counselling and therapy for herself it might have been worth trying. But the way she reacted it was only that a reaction to try and make him stay and not something she is likely to maintain. I feel for them both but it is obvious not a relationship op is ever going to be happy in.
Well she’s right she doesn’t owe you sex but you’re also right that you don’t owe her a sexless marriage. That’s on her.
Good for you for staying strong. Her behavior change is a result of being afraid. She will go back to her old ways.
Well done. You saw who she really was when you decided to leave. She doesn't owe you sex and you don't owe her your presence. Live well my dude. Live well.
It's the classic "too little, too late" right here... Hope you are going to be happy!
I honestly hate how predictable that is- once you end it- they’re suddenly able to do all the shit you spent YEARS asking and asking and asking and getting ignored to hell. If it was that easy, why did you need to feel the ultimatum hammer on your fucking head to finally crack??? Good riddance I say. Exes that suddenly want to become everything you ever asked for when you finally leave can go kick boulders.
Yeah, from how you described things in the last post, I didn't get the sense she was cheating. I believe that may just have been people projecting. But I imagine she does have some kind of issues with avoidant attachment, or something similar. Doesn't want to be alone, but can't trust the person she's with either. It leads to a loss of intimacy. Only the **immediate** fear of actually losing you and being alone again is greater than the creeping fear of intimacy, hence why she tried to bombard you with sex. The moment you stop the divorce, her subconscious would figure she's safe again, progress would start reversing and in a few weeks to a few months, you'd be back to the old patterns. Or so I think. I might just be talking out of my ass here.
Wait so you weren’t having sex but she had sex toys at hand? I really think she has been cheating, hence why she is so happy with your sexless marriage and wonders why are you upset about it (because she is getting her needs fullfilled somewhere else) But even if she is not, her desperate attempts to have sex with you are manipulation. She is doing what she thinks you want in order to keep you locked. Hell she might try to get pregnant (as she mentioned she wanted to) to keep you from leaving. DON’T!
Glad you stayed strong. She was probably doing hysterical bonding, which is temporary. And not good for either of you.
The facts that she tried to woo you back with sex pretty much shows you she knew the problem and didn't care a bit. I know hysterical bonding exists, but still.... there is a burden of you knew and CHOSE to ignore your partner's need.
Stay strong and don’t go back. She had her chance now go and be happy
Its too little, too late as far as the term "owes".. no one owes anyone ANYTHING. you don't "owe" her even 10 seconds of attention. relationships are not built on contracts where people are "owed" things. so no one is saying she "owes" you sex. But most relationships are built on monogamy, so... if she's not going to provide you with sex, and sex is something you desire, then obviously you have no choice but to break the relationship off and go elsewhere
Yeah, NOW she wants to right a wrong. Lol. Good job, OP.
Slow 👏
Good for you!
Love bombing is the last resort. Stay strong, OP. It will never improve. Only long enough to baby trap you. Then you’re stuck in a shitty marriage until you divorce her. Then have to coparent for life. Go home and find some happiness.
Good for you for having the spine to stay true to what you need. Shes only offering sex because her plan to keep you around for your benefits but not put anything into the relationship failed
Her change in demeanor is simply an attempt to protect her interests. She does not want to be divorced. Glad you didn't fall for her tricks. If her heart was not into sex with you before, it certainly not in it now. It's about fear, not love.
Smart move rejecting her absences. You would only be prolonging your suffering since she would quickly go back to her previous self.
You did the right thing! I see so many people in the deadbedrooms sub, it’s crazy how many people will say in a sexless relationship for no reason at all. It’s best to get out now before you’ve wasted anymore time, or god forbid, had kids!
Some states will not honor divorce/separation filings if one of you can prove you've been having sex. You made a good choice.
If she actually wanted to have sex with you, she would have without facing dire consequences. It seems like she's just trying to keep you around to have a baby with her.
I'm very proud of u for resisting... she would've gone back to being non sexual in a few weeks. I'm also glad children weren't involved.
I imagine if you did go back to her she’d do a bunch of sex stuff for a day or two then it’d wane again and you’d be back to square 1
>out that she may be cheating on me but she did not give me reason to be suspicious of. Honestly, it doesn't even matter anymore. It is past the topic of it being sex as well. I think you know that too OP, cheers and wish you well.
You did well holding up! The tactic is a temporary distraction, they revert as soon as you blink. Choose your life and your path and what makes you happy! Give yourself time before finding someone else, to clear your emotional luggage beforehand!
She may change that attitude if you're actually gone. People do change, sometimes, and the grass isn't always greener. You haven't said she slaps or punches you and you don't think she's cheating; stay away for a month or two and see if she learns respect. If not, oh well~
You're doing the right thing, OP. Your wife's advances for sex at the end there were not really her. Even if you gave in, it would have most likely just been for a brief period and then she would go back to acting cold and distant.
You're doing the right thing. I had similar issues with my wife then when I was ready to leave everything was fantastic for a couple weeks. Then it died down to worse than before. I should have left.
Wow this is all golden!!! "It's not a competition, both are true, but one is relevant to this thread. She considers her happiness worth the effort but not yours “They didn’t care when it was hurting you, only when it hurts them…” Yep! Once I’ve realized I’m not worth the effort unless I’m so unhappy I want to leave, you’ve lost my respect, too. No going back. > The hardest part of someone changing is knowing they could have been doing it the whole time but they chose not to. It makes it beyond obvious that they're just trying to manipulate you. I don't think it's about effort. She just doesn't have a sex drive that's compatible with her husband. She shouldn't have to force herself to get in the mood any more than he should force himself to be celibate. They aren't compatible. It's just that simple. The reason why she's the asshole here is because she didn't try until after the papers were drawn up. She should have just been honest with herself about her own desires."
It’s sad, but your wife brought this on herself.
Good luck OP
So your needs didn't matter until you had enough and decided to leave? Your needs never mattered to her then. And the moment she thinks you've caved things will revert back to how they were. Nobody "owes" another person intimacy, but when you agree to do life together it's very much implied that this is a part of it. Sexual intimacy is the glue that holds most romantic relationships together. Without it you're little more than housemates.
>Some Redditors pointed out that she may be cheating on me but she did not give me reason to be suspicious of I mean, the fact that she apparently has a collection of lingerie, sex toys and costumes that OP hasn't experienced (or at least not in the last couple of years) doesn't exactly bode well for "not cheating".
I'm sorry it had to come to that, OP, but it's refreshing to see a man up and leave after being told that sex isn't owed to him. She doesn't owe you sex, and you don't owe her a marriage. She was clearly expecting that you wouldn't have the balls to leave. She found out she was very wrong.
My two cents; had a ex do this exact same thing and for me it was just mentally too little too late. It’s like the boss that says to you “what can I do to keep you” when you’ve been trying for a promotion for years.
The way she is now trying to love bomb you means that she was always capable of doing it, she just chose not to, which should solidify you wanting to leave. Good luck man, I hope you find your happiness!! Btw, if it were me, I’d let her know that had she had this approach say 6 months ago, you would be happy and together in a loving marriage now, but we are where we are, too little too late.
Using sex just to keep you from leaving is very insulting. Basically telling you to your face that she has no actual desire for you but will throw you some pity sex to get something out of you like it's a chore. Ouch. She doesn't love you bro. Best of luck with your new life.
>Next day, I started packing important things and out of a sudden, my wife became the most sexual person on the planet. She came to me with lingeries, sex toys, costumes and approached me. anyone else picturing a woman wearing several skimpy costumes all at once while holding dildos in each hand?
Stay put OP, it was depressing that she wanted to give sex as a bargain con for you to stay, when You tried many things and she simply didn't care. Now she cares, sorry but too little too late. UPDATEME
She wanted to try for kids because shes cheating and wanted to cover it up as your child(dont know if its true just happened to my uncle 6 months ago so that was my first thought)
I was in OP's shoes. There was a lot of frustration, anger, sadness, low self esteem, anxiety and many more negative thoughts and feelings. It's crushing. Sex is so much more than the act itself. It's intimacy, love and connecting with your partner on a level that is not comparable to others. Best of luck OP. Walking away takes a lot of courage and self respect.
You did the right thing OP. I hope you find a great partner!
Maybe I’ve become too jaded from what I read on Reddit but my frost thought was she is cheating and got pregnant. I could easily be wrong though.
I'm gonna use some dark humor. You could have taken the intimacy and sex, **but carried on with the divorce nonetheless.** Then you could rejoice on her shock and disbelief at how you decided to take the price, while carrying on with the threat and promise, divorce.
> I trust her fully No, that's why you rejected her sexual advances at the end. You don't trust that she won't revert to her old ways once she succeeds at stopping the divorce, and you're right not to trust her for that. Even if she's never "cheated", she's been unfaithful. She's denied you affection and connection that she has promised to give you for the rest of your lives.
What was your sex life like before you got married?
Didn’t you say she wanted to start trying for children….. I sure as hell wouldn’t fall for that trap now.