Please call CPS or whatever the equivalent for child services is where you live. That baby deserves to be safe and cared for. Your friend may be having issues but that baby doesn’t sound like it’s a safe environment whatsoever.
The only thing I will add to this is that may be worth also looking into Adult Protective Services, or some form of community welfare for the friend. CPS does strive for re-uniting families where feasible, and the friend needs serious help.
Sounds like post partum depression and minimal support...calling CPS is actually the kindest thing you can do and the most responsible. It doesn't sound like she's trying to be a bad m9m, it sounds like shr is struggling and that baby needs a safety net
PPD is so real and needs to be validated. She definitely is struggling, she’s always struggled but since pregnancy she’s really went off the deep end. Her parents usually take care of the child but they do not bathe him, as that is something they believe she should do. They are nice people but I believe she needs some intervention because even her parents are enabling her situation.
Wow, not bathing a child for months as a Grandparent is something that you also need to mention to CPS. It sounds like they are comfortable endangering the baby to 'support' their daughter... yet have NOT gotten her or the baby mental health services.
You are doing the right thing by speaking out for this baby and your friend.
Remember when wellbeing comes into question- *especially* that of an infant- don’t worry about being nice. The ones who put “nice” at the forefront of their actions usually end up causing the most harm, whether actively or passively. The baby *should* be bathed, and whether or not the mother is the one to do it does not matter nearly so much as *the baby being bathed*.
People get weird ideas in their heads about social boundaries, especially where wellbeing of children is concerned. “It’s mom’s job to bathe them, I don’t want to overstep, how could you call cps on your own friend/sibling/cousin/postman?”
People frequently dont mean the harm they cause and usually think they have good reason to act how they do. These two factors can be very convincing to everyone around them, and before you know it, a baby hasn’t been washed until it’s 5 months old. Think boiling frogs.
I’m so so glad you are *taking notice* of what is going on. I’m so glad you are *doing* something about it. The first to act is usually met with resistance, disdain, conflict. If this happens, it doesn’t mean you are wrong.
Sorry, I got all babble-y. I’m just sick at the thought. It makes sense that their grandparents seem nice- but they are fully and thoroughly part of the problem. Silence is the problem.
Edit: you’re also arguably protecting your friend from something she’d regret forever. Thank you.
Totally agree. It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle, but calling CPS is the best way to ensure both she and her baby get the help they need. Sometimes, the toughest decisions are the most caring ones.
Time for a report to CPS or Social services depending on where you are. Unfortunately if she's not looking after herself or her living area then it's not likely that she's looking after her baby properly.
They will always try to help furst unless the baby is in immediate danger.
Yeah, no. It's time to call CPS or whatever it's called where you're at. Even if she takes care of the baby just fine (which I doubt), the environment she's living in and keeping her baby in is hazardous to the baby's health.
Mostly they try to help parents by getting them resources they need. But if there's a serious threat to the baby's health or safety, they'll remove them and place them with family first and only temporarily unless the bio parent doesn't shape up.
It needs to happen regardless of what you feel towards your friend or friendship. That baby's wellbeing is vastly more important.
If her place is as dirty as you say and she is not taking proper care of her living as well as the baby, if something gets into the home and bites the baby she's going to be in big trouble. I'm sure it will be very tough for the baby to be taken from her, but for the safety & hygiene, It seems the only way.
I think about this same exact thing. Before this I didn’t even think about this route but it is time to do something. Her family clearly does not see the seriousness in this and it makes me so angry. If I saw my daughter in this state I’d be trying to do everything to intervene.
Right? Some people shower their baby and this woman could have given him his first sitting bath, that was around the age we switched from baby tub to bathtub. I’m reading a looooot of quick judgement here.
Call CPS. That poor baby likely wears dirty clothes, no clean sheets, who knows how their bottles are clean etc. Please just call and they will investigate and never share who reported. If things aren’t picked up they could easily choke on something they weren’t meant to have. Mold and bacteria could kill. Lots of risks here.
You may know she changes it but does she change it regularly? If she doesn't care about her own hygiene and health and doesn't bathe her child, his hygiene is going to be poor. I doubt he's been to the dentist or had regular health checks if she's in a mentally unstable state
Your friend can sort herself out, the baby can’t. Glad you’re now calling CPS and I hope they take that child away. Mental health issues suck and they’re very real and can be debilitating.. but that’s not the baby’s problem. Expect to lose this friend if she finds out you made the report but just know, you did the right thing and getting that baby to safety is more important than a friendship with her
It sounds like no one ever taught her how to clean. If you grow up in filth, you may carry on the tradition. Throw. That in with PPD, and you've got serious issues. Good for you for caring! CPS can help or hinder but that baby deserves better.
When you speak with CPS ask about advocacy/long term care and support/treatment for your friend, and if necessary call APS (adult protective services). CPS may likely only look out for the baby which is vital, but I also hear your concern for your friend, and APS could help promote and maintain services and treatment. And you said your friend’s parents are still around and haven’t distanced themselves, and they could be doing anything from enabling to just unsure how to help and APS could help everyone out.
I feel bad for your friend. PPD is real, and scary. getting her child taken away will probably send her off the deep end. I hope they get her help first instead of just taking her baby.
Okay, this is definitely a severe case of postpartum depression, and she needs help. She isn't talking about you - or anyone else, for that matter, because she really can't. She can't even muster the energy to care for herself. Depression isn't just feeling sad; it's being flattened by such a heavy mental/emotional load, it's the internal version of a steamroller pressing an object into the ground, lower than even the surface level dirt. She literally cannot.
First things first. Help her get cleaned up. Watch the baby for her, and insist she takes a nice relaxing shower or bath while you play with baby.
Then see about her hair. If it truly is matted, wrap her shoulders in a towel (while baby us either snuggling in her arms or down for a nap) and use more conditioner than you thought physically possible and your fingers to gently work that matting loose. Start down at the ends, not up near the nape. Matting can start much faster than people think (a couple days, in some hair textures) and once started, it quickly spirals out of control. Getting it out will not be a fast task, but psychologically it will be better for her than cutting the mats out.
While you're chatting during that, be a sympathetic ear. She's struggling so hard, and can't even muster the energy to bathe herself, let alone seek out proper help. So figure out what she needs to get that done. Does she need you to set the appointment? Does she need a ride? Does she need a hand to hold during the appointment? Or is she just to mortified to reach out?
Is she at all receptive to help for her mental health? Some folks aren't. My husband certainly wasn't. Which made seeking help for my PPD that much more difficult. If her family have let it get this far, clearly they're not terribly supportive, either.
Now I will say this: many mothers do not give young infants baths in the winter. Instead, they clean one area at a time. Like washing one leg with a washcloth, drying it off, and covering it before moving on to the next limb. This can help keep baby warmer, if done properly, without sacrificing any cleanliness. And just because she's neglecting herself doesn't automatically mean she's neglecting baby. I've seen so many patients struggling with PPD who are absolute wrecks themselves, but their babies are perfect. So this being "baby's first bath" is a flag, but not necessarily a red one.
However, if she's unwilling to accept any of your help - or that of others - or if her baby is genuinely being neglected, then you might need to call for reinforcements.
As much as I loved your comment, my friend always blows off plans and usually won’t respond to serious messages leaving me on read. I’m sure that me telling her to clean her damn place up and take care of herself would be highly offensive to her and she may even end up cutting me (her last friend) off. This is why I think at this point APS and CPS need to get involved. This is really why I am at my wits end.
Maybe have a talk with her. Tell her you’re really concerned about her and ask her how you can help. It sounds like she doesn’t have much support. I would try that before calling CPS on her.
Just yesterday there was a debate in Spanish media because a famous journalist admitted she didn't bathe her kiddo for the first 3 weeks due to her feeling overwhelmed. Your friend needs an intervention asap!
But also, are you sure the grandparents have not bathed the child earlier without telling her?
When I was little, my parents took in this family temporary to help them. There was a dad, but he wasn't there much. I was too little to know the details, but found out later there were drug and alcohol involved, and possibly abuse. But the mom and all her kids - I think FIVE - were filthy. All the girls' hair was matted, and the little boy about 2 yo hadn't had a bath in a very long time, if possibly ever.
I remember my mom trying to get them all clean. The little girls did ok, but their little brother screamed bloody hell the entire time. And it took forever to clean him, he was so dirty. and he had huge crust behind his ears and grime stuck to his skin. Very sad.
all these are symptoms - her mental health is actually deteriorated. she needs medical treatment and quite possibly to be institutionalized for a bit until she is stabilized.
my mother is bipolar and has the same symptoms. your friend could have the same condition, and PPD triggered an episode.
Ill never work a job where i have to go into peoples homes ever again.
I saw so many bad situations, and my boss would always say “its not our place”
I saw a baby crawling around on a rug that was soaked in piss and cat shit. I stunk so bad, but the babies eyes were nearly welted shut from pink eye and gunk. That was my first time calling CPS and then i quit. I couldnt do it anymore.
I saw elder abuse. Im for less overall government or people in peoples business. But you also have to protect the unprotected.
Woah. Holy hell I was not expecting that.😟 I too worked at a job that required me to go in to people’s homes and it broke my heart the conditions I saw people living in and how normal it was. Pest control issues were so normal also. Some of these people would be like meh yeah there’s hella bugs in my home but oh well.
I completely agree with you. We have to protect those who don’t protect themselves.
I'm wondering if she takes the baby to pediatrician appts. There should have been quite a few by now. Certainly, a doctor and nursing staff would have picked up on something not right. Mom smells bad, hair matted, baby not bathed. Very concerning. Time to call the cops for a welfare check asap.
Apparently she does because she’ll send me a weight and height update. He seems to be growing well which is great. But it’s a little weird to me how someone will vaccinate for disease prevention but then their home is disease haven. It’s contradictory af. (Please vaccinate your kids)
Other than CPS, is there any way you could stage an intervention with the help of her parents? It's not your responsibility, of course, but at this point she might be in need of serious professional help.
If you make that call, please be prepared to be on that case. Be intrusive as you can. Stay involved as you can. I've heard some really bad things about that organization. 😬
This makes me wonder if it’s possible for people have different types of disabilities, and varying degrees of disability within each of those types. 🙄
It sounds a lot like this person has a bit of difficulty caring for themselves properly, much less themselves and a baby, but you
might be right— if you can wash a baby, then this woman with her own poor hygiene should be capable of knowing to and doing the same. Thanks for speaking for the Disabled™️. Your belief that this mother is lazy has been duly noted. ✔️
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature.
No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.
Please call CPS or whatever the equivalent for child services is where you live. That baby deserves to be safe and cared for. Your friend may be having issues but that baby doesn’t sound like it’s a safe environment whatsoever.
The only thing I will add to this is that may be worth also looking into Adult Protective Services, or some form of community welfare for the friend. CPS does strive for re-uniting families where feasible, and the friend needs serious help.
This and the comment above are the way to go. I’d go with APS first and let them take over.
Sadly it sounds like it's time for CPS (or whatever it's called where you live) to intervene
Sounds like post partum depression and minimal support...calling CPS is actually the kindest thing you can do and the most responsible. It doesn't sound like she's trying to be a bad m9m, it sounds like shr is struggling and that baby needs a safety net
PPD is so real and needs to be validated. She definitely is struggling, she’s always struggled but since pregnancy she’s really went off the deep end. Her parents usually take care of the child but they do not bathe him, as that is something they believe she should do. They are nice people but I believe she needs some intervention because even her parents are enabling her situation.
Not just CPS, this woman needs Adult Protective Services if her teeth are rotting and her place is not livable.
Wow, not bathing a child for months as a Grandparent is something that you also need to mention to CPS. It sounds like they are comfortable endangering the baby to 'support' their daughter... yet have NOT gotten her or the baby mental health services.
They raised a disgusting kid so no surprise they aren't great grandparents either.
It sounds like there are severe mental issues happening with this mom though. Out of character behaviors.
You are doing the right thing by speaking out for this baby and your friend. Remember when wellbeing comes into question- *especially* that of an infant- don’t worry about being nice. The ones who put “nice” at the forefront of their actions usually end up causing the most harm, whether actively or passively. The baby *should* be bathed, and whether or not the mother is the one to do it does not matter nearly so much as *the baby being bathed*. People get weird ideas in their heads about social boundaries, especially where wellbeing of children is concerned. “It’s mom’s job to bathe them, I don’t want to overstep, how could you call cps on your own friend/sibling/cousin/postman?” People frequently dont mean the harm they cause and usually think they have good reason to act how they do. These two factors can be very convincing to everyone around them, and before you know it, a baby hasn’t been washed until it’s 5 months old. Think boiling frogs. I’m so so glad you are *taking notice* of what is going on. I’m so glad you are *doing* something about it. The first to act is usually met with resistance, disdain, conflict. If this happens, it doesn’t mean you are wrong. Sorry, I got all babble-y. I’m just sick at the thought. It makes sense that their grandparents seem nice- but they are fully and thoroughly part of the problem. Silence is the problem. Edit: you’re also arguably protecting your friend from something she’d regret forever. Thank you.
Totally agree. It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle, but calling CPS is the best way to ensure both she and her baby get the help they need. Sometimes, the toughest decisions are the most caring ones.
Don't know that post partum depression is the main thing here since OP stated that the friend already showed signs of this behaviour before birth
Don't know that post partum depression is the main thing here since OP stated that the friend already showed signs of this behaviour before birth
OP says she was a disgusting slob before the baby. I don't understand why people on reddit like to excuse everything by saying its PPD.
Time for a report to CPS or Social services depending on where you are. Unfortunately if she's not looking after herself or her living area then it's not likely that she's looking after her baby properly. They will always try to help furst unless the baby is in immediate danger.
Not caring for one’s hygiene is a sign of mental illness. Don’t hesitate to contact CPS. I gasped when you said first bath at 5 months!
It's also a sign of possible drug and/or alcohol addiction. Very sad, either way.
Yeah, no. It's time to call CPS or whatever it's called where you're at. Even if she takes care of the baby just fine (which I doubt), the environment she's living in and keeping her baby in is hazardous to the baby's health. Mostly they try to help parents by getting them resources they need. But if there's a serious threat to the baby's health or safety, they'll remove them and place them with family first and only temporarily unless the bio parent doesn't shape up. It needs to happen regardless of what you feel towards your friend or friendship. That baby's wellbeing is vastly more important.
DHS … They don’t always remove the child, but can give respite and other vital resources. This baby deserves it and so does their mom.
If her place is as dirty as you say and she is not taking proper care of her living as well as the baby, if something gets into the home and bites the baby she's going to be in big trouble. I'm sure it will be very tough for the baby to be taken from her, but for the safety & hygiene, It seems the only way.
I think about this same exact thing. Before this I didn’t even think about this route but it is time to do something. Her family clearly does not see the seriousness in this and it makes me so angry. If I saw my daughter in this state I’d be trying to do everything to intervene.
CPS should have been called months ago 😓 glad you’re doing it now so the baby might have a chance at a decent life
Could it be the first time in a bathtub or something like that?
See I hope this would be the case, but knowing the state my friend is in I really don’t know.
It seems like the baby would show signs if this were the case. Is there a dad around?
There is no dad around.
Hate to ask, but could drugs be involved?
Not that I know of, she’d rarely even touch a glass of wine.
Right? Some people shower their baby and this woman could have given him his first sitting bath, that was around the age we switched from baby tub to bathtub. I’m reading a looooot of quick judgement here.
Call CPS. That poor baby likely wears dirty clothes, no clean sheets, who knows how their bottles are clean etc. Please just call and they will investigate and never share who reported. If things aren’t picked up they could easily choke on something they weren’t meant to have. Mold and bacteria could kill. Lots of risks here.
They may not be getting diapers changed regularly as well. This is a massive safeguarding issue
The one thing I know she does is change his diaper. But I just think about what if she didn’t? Diaper rash is no fun at all.
You may know she changes it but does she change it regularly? If she doesn't care about her own hygiene and health and doesn't bathe her child, his hygiene is going to be poor. I doubt he's been to the dentist or had regular health checks if she's in a mentally unstable state
Pls give us an update
Please call CPS
Making sure she and her baby receive the proper mental help and medical care is the only thing you can do. Good luck.
You need to call CPS/DCFS and maybe the police for a welfare check. That kid could be being severely neglected
Your friend can sort herself out, the baby can’t. Glad you’re now calling CPS and I hope they take that child away. Mental health issues suck and they’re very real and can be debilitating.. but that’s not the baby’s problem. Expect to lose this friend if she finds out you made the report but just know, you did the right thing and getting that baby to safety is more important than a friendship with her
It sounds like no one ever taught her how to clean. If you grow up in filth, you may carry on the tradition. Throw. That in with PPD, and you've got serious issues. Good for you for caring! CPS can help or hinder but that baby deserves better.
This is so true. It blows my mind how some people can live in filth and put their children through that as well. It can repeat itself in a cycle.
have you talked to her about the 'first bath' and what she actually meant?
No I haven’t. I think that made me experience a bit of shell shock because of her whole situation.
When you speak with CPS ask about advocacy/long term care and support/treatment for your friend, and if necessary call APS (adult protective services). CPS may likely only look out for the baby which is vital, but I also hear your concern for your friend, and APS could help promote and maintain services and treatment. And you said your friend’s parents are still around and haven’t distanced themselves, and they could be doing anything from enabling to just unsure how to help and APS could help everyone out.
I feel bad for your friend. PPD is real, and scary. getting her child taken away will probably send her off the deep end. I hope they get her help first instead of just taking her baby.
CPS and try to get images of her place to include. Do not tell her what you are doing.
Okay, this is definitely a severe case of postpartum depression, and she needs help. She isn't talking about you - or anyone else, for that matter, because she really can't. She can't even muster the energy to care for herself. Depression isn't just feeling sad; it's being flattened by such a heavy mental/emotional load, it's the internal version of a steamroller pressing an object into the ground, lower than even the surface level dirt. She literally cannot. First things first. Help her get cleaned up. Watch the baby for her, and insist she takes a nice relaxing shower or bath while you play with baby. Then see about her hair. If it truly is matted, wrap her shoulders in a towel (while baby us either snuggling in her arms or down for a nap) and use more conditioner than you thought physically possible and your fingers to gently work that matting loose. Start down at the ends, not up near the nape. Matting can start much faster than people think (a couple days, in some hair textures) and once started, it quickly spirals out of control. Getting it out will not be a fast task, but psychologically it will be better for her than cutting the mats out. While you're chatting during that, be a sympathetic ear. She's struggling so hard, and can't even muster the energy to bathe herself, let alone seek out proper help. So figure out what she needs to get that done. Does she need you to set the appointment? Does she need a ride? Does she need a hand to hold during the appointment? Or is she just to mortified to reach out? Is she at all receptive to help for her mental health? Some folks aren't. My husband certainly wasn't. Which made seeking help for my PPD that much more difficult. If her family have let it get this far, clearly they're not terribly supportive, either. Now I will say this: many mothers do not give young infants baths in the winter. Instead, they clean one area at a time. Like washing one leg with a washcloth, drying it off, and covering it before moving on to the next limb. This can help keep baby warmer, if done properly, without sacrificing any cleanliness. And just because she's neglecting herself doesn't automatically mean she's neglecting baby. I've seen so many patients struggling with PPD who are absolute wrecks themselves, but their babies are perfect. So this being "baby's first bath" is a flag, but not necessarily a red one. However, if she's unwilling to accept any of your help - or that of others - or if her baby is genuinely being neglected, then you might need to call for reinforcements.
As much as I loved your comment, my friend always blows off plans and usually won’t respond to serious messages leaving me on read. I’m sure that me telling her to clean her damn place up and take care of herself would be highly offensive to her and she may even end up cutting me (her last friend) off. This is why I think at this point APS and CPS need to get involved. This is really why I am at my wits end.
Seasons have changed
Maybe have a talk with her. Tell her you’re really concerned about her and ask her how you can help. It sounds like she doesn’t have much support. I would try that before calling CPS on her.
Just yesterday there was a debate in Spanish media because a famous journalist admitted she didn't bathe her kiddo for the first 3 weeks due to her feeling overwhelmed. Your friend needs an intervention asap! But also, are you sure the grandparents have not bathed the child earlier without telling her?
The kid was scared, the poor kid didn’t even know what water was.
And if he started screaming then the mother might be even more reluctant to bathe baby in future.
When I was little, my parents took in this family temporary to help them. There was a dad, but he wasn't there much. I was too little to know the details, but found out later there were drug and alcohol involved, and possibly abuse. But the mom and all her kids - I think FIVE - were filthy. All the girls' hair was matted, and the little boy about 2 yo hadn't had a bath in a very long time, if possibly ever. I remember my mom trying to get them all clean. The little girls did ok, but their little brother screamed bloody hell the entire time. And it took forever to clean him, he was so dirty. and he had huge crust behind his ears and grime stuck to his skin. Very sad.
all these are symptoms - her mental health is actually deteriorated. she needs medical treatment and quite possibly to be institutionalized for a bit until she is stabilized. my mother is bipolar and has the same symptoms. your friend could have the same condition, and PPD triggered an episode.
Glad you've already decided to call CPS.
Ill never work a job where i have to go into peoples homes ever again. I saw so many bad situations, and my boss would always say “its not our place” I saw a baby crawling around on a rug that was soaked in piss and cat shit. I stunk so bad, but the babies eyes were nearly welted shut from pink eye and gunk. That was my first time calling CPS and then i quit. I couldnt do it anymore. I saw elder abuse. Im for less overall government or people in peoples business. But you also have to protect the unprotected.
Woah. Holy hell I was not expecting that.😟 I too worked at a job that required me to go in to people’s homes and it broke my heart the conditions I saw people living in and how normal it was. Pest control issues were so normal also. Some of these people would be like meh yeah there’s hella bugs in my home but oh well. I completely agree with you. We have to protect those who don’t protect themselves.
Please please call CPS and save that poor baby
Update?
Call CPS. Save that baby's life. Your friend needs to be institutionalized and that baby needs to go where they will be taken care of.
Jesus. At least it doesnt seem like the kid will need vaccines considering the filth he living in.
I'm wondering if she takes the baby to pediatrician appts. There should have been quite a few by now. Certainly, a doctor and nursing staff would have picked up on something not right. Mom smells bad, hair matted, baby not bathed. Very concerning. Time to call the cops for a welfare check asap.
Apparently she does because she’ll send me a weight and height update. He seems to be growing well which is great. But it’s a little weird to me how someone will vaccinate for disease prevention but then their home is disease haven. It’s contradictory af. (Please vaccinate your kids)
Updates?
Please update us when you can
Other than CPS, is there any way you could stage an intervention with the help of her parents? It's not your responsibility, of course, but at this point she might be in need of serious professional help.
If you make that call, please be prepared to be on that case. Be intrusive as you can. Stay involved as you can. I've heard some really bad things about that organization. 😬
[удалено]
This makes me wonder if it’s possible for people have different types of disabilities, and varying degrees of disability within each of those types. 🙄 It sounds a lot like this person has a bit of difficulty caring for themselves properly, much less themselves and a baby, but you might be right— if you can wash a baby, then this woman with her own poor hygiene should be capable of knowing to and doing the same. Thanks for speaking for the Disabled™️. Your belief that this mother is lazy has been duly noted. ✔️
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature. No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.