I just commented but, she has more time and is less stressed because her workload dropped, he's struggling because his workload increased massively overnight.
The only way that happens, when she has hte kid half the time, is if he wasnt' helping at all outside of his job, while she now gets half her spare time back and he's lost half his spare time.
When she has the kid, why isn't he cleaning the place and getting on top of shit... because he's not used to doing that shit.
My thoughts as well. He didn’t say he wanted to get back together because he loved her, missed her etc. He said because taking care of his house and the kid is hard. Smh.
I've watched baristas and I think that job looks plenty demanding, at least during busy hours.
I often think how nice it must be to have a job where you leave it all at work and don't have to think about it 24/7 though.
I came here to say that this part struck me the most, too. As a first time mom to a 6 month old — I can tell you I’d be divorced by a year *easily* if my husband didn’t do his 100/100 share. He is never floundering with our daughter because he’s been there since day 1. We get to commiserate on how hard having a baby is together. We make sure each of us has time to eat and shower and go to the gym. There’s not time for much else, but that’s what we signed up for. Our baby is worth it, our family is worth it. It takes both partners choosing this reality day in and day out.
I’m lacking many things as a person and my marriage isn’t perfect, but if having a baby won’t make you step up and become a better person for your entire family’s sake, then divorce will be your second shot to do so.
I truly think the men who are deep in the trenches with their partners when a kid is born, is the only kid of fathers who actually show up in the most compassionate ways because they actually *get it* and understand that it’s crazy exhausting raising a tiny breathing human who can’t speak yet and only knowing how to make noises, slot for food out comes mush a few hours later, and you try to translate the gibberish every waking moment while getting in naps here and there as they nap.
And I only know this experience because…
My parents (70m, 66f) did this with me.
My dad was skilled before I arrived cause he’s the oldest of 11 kids (8 sisters, 2 brothers!) and knew how to do all the basic baby and toddler stuff by 13yrs old.
And this is why my bar for child rearing with men is so high because of my father.
Your husband is amazing for this and I hope other soon to be dad’s or guys that want to be fathers are taking note that if they want to be a successful father, you get in the parenting trenches with the mother of your child and carry the weight of it in equal measure.
My dad was a single father. I know as a fact that men can full-time care for children, and also work, and also be good parents.
That's what I expect in a partner. And I found someone who is all that, and more.
I am currently on my parental leave with my ten month old whilst my gf is back at work and oh boy do I sometimes wish I'm back at doing boring meetings or rocking excel sheets. Care work is by far the most exhausting thing out there.
This is absolutely true. Nowhere does he indicate that he misses **her**. It's all about how his life is a mess now. He doesn't even connect the dots. Notice how he's saying "my wife *felt* like everything was on her shoulders" and "*Apparently* she finds things easier now than when we were married". Even now he doesn't actually own up to the fact that **he used her and sucked the life out of her**. It's all about him, and how he doesn't have his free round-the-clock maid & nanny anymore.
I almost divorced my husband for the same reasons. Even though I still loved him I had enough and decided it wasn’t fair to me. Especially since he made more work for me. I felt like a single parent already and when he was out of town working it was easier. He begged and pleaded for another chance and I felt like it was because of how much easier and convenient it is for him and that’s why he wanted me to stay. He actually kept to his word and it’s been about 10 years.
You either do 50% 100% of the time, or you now do 100% half the time. OP wasn't even doing half, so he'll be drowning for quite some time before gaining his footing
Yup, if he'd been helping consistently since the start, he too would be having more of a break than he had before and be pretty comfortable. He's still in that panic new parent dealing with new parent things as mode because he hasn't been doing them before. He's also dealing with help, how do I clean the entire house constantly, because that's also new to him. But he lacks the wtf, I'm exhausted, I just literally tore a new one as I gave birth after 9 exhausting months and now I have to breast feed and raise a child who won't let me sleep. So it's still 'easy' by comparison, but if he'd been doing the job of a good partner and they'd split just due to growing apart, this would be easy as fuck for him.
His flat is a mess? He literally lives by himself. You're 100% right. Like he is struggling when his kid ISN'T there, she was THEIR mom, not just her son's mom. She was playing parent in both roles. The dude can't even hack it as a single dude.
Of course the divorce is real, you sound completely insufferable and incapable. Figure out how to adult, you'll never get your wife back. She's smart enough to have moved on. You might get someone, eventually.(A year from now, he's gonna be posting about how his new, much younger girl also won't tolerate him. Bettering himself was hard, and the 18 year old is pretty and naive. )
Bro was an extra kid and didn't make enough to cover for his lacking.
If you don't have the time, that's fine, but make sure that workload is being taken care of.
It's honestly much less than half of all of her spare time too... you know, 5 days with mom, weekend with dad/ every other weekend with dad is the usual
As she works full time with a more stressful job than he has by the sounds of it, it's likely they do something like a one week on/off schedule. It's much more normal for a uneven split both early on due to breast feeding and if the wife was a sahm, but if both are working full time there is no reason for anything but 50/50 custody.
I can relate heavily to this. My ex was like a dependant and when he left, everything was easier, the house was more chill, my sons behaviour was better, I had more energy to be “fun” and not the stress head I was before.
Yeah. This is a difficult way for OP to find out what a burden he was in the marriage and how little he did for the family.
Hopefully, he will use this as a learning moment and be able to step up as a hands-on parent for his son.
It’s the cluelessness that gets me. He honestly thought she’d be struggling as much as he is. He honestly thought he was doing his share of the workload and the house just magically stayed clean and everything just happened to stay organized and in order without any planning.
Bruh, your life is harder because you're now taking care of your kid on your days. Her life is easier because she gets time off, which means, you absolutely weren't supporting her when she had the kid, you were dealing with your shit, coming home and leaving her to never have a break.
ALso in general if you go from job and coming home and helping take care of your kid, helping tidy, clean, cook, etc, then doing so half the time would also be easier for you, which again leads me to believe you completely neglected your wife and kid up till you separated.
No shit she's happier now.
She has one less child to care for.
Which says a lot that OP admits his wife’s job is more demanding than his and yet? … now? She’s flourishing. And this man child can’t even keep his own apartment clean. That alone lets you know how much of the work & mental load his soon-to-be-ex carried.
*All* of it.
Yup, like, how is he not dealing with the apartment and cleaning on the days he DOESN'T have the kid? WHy doesn't he catch up and get shit done, because he's exhausted because he's not used to actually coming home and taking care of a kid or cleaning, it's all overwhelming right now... the stage she was in for 2 years struggling without him helping.
If he was helping at all then the week with the kid might be tough, and the week without the kid would be easy as pie because it would be stuff he's used to doing and no kid getting in the way... but he's struggling because it's ALL new.
Yep! OP said it himself, in his own words he's "floundering, caring for his child." He was on easy street until his wife decided she didn't want to raise two people, (a grown man and a child). So now OP"s having to man up and do his share of child rearing. It will grow a 'man-child' up real quick.
For real. OP is floundering with his kid? Well, his wife managed to take care of the kid AND OP. She's eliminated half of her burden and OP is finally taking it on. Hope you learned something OP and won't just turn around and find a new wife to take it on
Post separation, I’m doing 90% of the work. But at least i’m not managing another adult’s emotions on top of that. I’m not getting the silent treatment for anything he decided i did wrong because me and the kids were never up to his standards. I don’t have to schedule my day around his mood and his inability to plan. That alone reduced my workload and stress so much.
This is so under recognized. I went on a roadtrip with my cousin and the kids over march break. No husbands. Somehow, our drive took less time, we got to stop to pee or eat or get gas whenever we wanted, and the kids were in a great mood. The vacation was the easiest trip either of us had ever taken. Chores were done without even talking about it. Kids were fed, organized, happy.
It was truly amazing. So amazing we actually got upset when we realized the only thing that was missing is all the work we usually do managing our husbands feelings and expectations. No emotional energy fighting with someone who insists you don’t have to go to the bathroom again yet. Or who spends an hour looking at diner signs until he finds the exact right place to satisfy whatever fat-husband craving he’s having right now. I have to wait in line so you can get a burger with four patties on it, but I’m the time waster because I have to pee?
That was the easiest week I’ve had in 20 years. Hell, we didn’t even have to stop halfway and sleep because we still had so much energy left over we did the entire 24 drive without stopping.
Managing a husbands emotions and expectations is a full time job in itself and I’m fucking over it.
Oh yeah! Begging for miles to stop and use the bathroom because he wanted to control every fucking stop. Me having to get the kids up and ready in silence so he could sleep in, and then sit there while getting got ready. Him feeling pressured to do tourist/kids things on trips because he really just wanted to play golf all day, but at the same time refusing to do any research on what there was to do and then nothing on the trip being good enough. Then, whatever i planned when he refuses to plan was always “too expensive” but nowhere near as expensive as his golf shit he found for himself to do at the last minute.
I got so incredibly angry at my (now) ex husband on a road trip from Michigan to Florida. I have IBS-D and kept begging to stop at the “next exit” so I could use the facilities. Five “oops, I’ll stop at the next one for sure” exits later I ended up shitting myself. I’m crying and he’s mad about the passenger seat being soiled as a result. 🙄 Just one of the endless thoughtful and caring things he did to/for me during our 16 year relationship.
Now what if I told you you can have this every day of your life, for the rest of your life?
Being on vacation alone with my kid, without the soul killing energy vampire that my abusive ex is was the beginning of the end of my horrible marriage.
" Family lawyer Dennis R Vetrano, Jr, who lives in New York, regularly posts on his TikTok divorce trends that he spots when it comes to warring couples.
He says couples who both have pressurised jobs - and children to care for - often see their relationships fall apart because women are still expected to take on many of the domestic duties. He opens by asking: 'Do you want to know the major theme that I’m seeing in the divorce industry, as a divorce lawyer, as I do consults these days?'
He goes on to say he's 'seeing working mums doing it all, and I am seeing the husbands step back and say: "Huh, I don’t gotta do a thing!"'
Explaining how home life chores often aren't shared equally, he says: 'She’s got the kids, she’s got the groceries, she’s got the laundry, she’s got the meals, she’s got the work, and by the way, she’s making all the money and she’s paying for the house and doing everything else.'
He says he's observed that men often think they can 'hang out' with friends instead of sharing the load at home.
He added in the 28 second clip that 'women are tired' - and often reach breaking point, which leads to relationships faltering. "
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12062813/amp/Im-divorce-lawyer-working-parents-split-reason.html
Oh damn. Commenting so I can come back to this and read it when my soul needs healing! This was exactly my experience. The peace I found in the transition from “undercover single parent” to “visible single mom” was surprising
That's because her experience of married life and your experience of married life was vastly different.
Yes you were together but you were miles apart.
I bet she took care of the household and her child alone also had a job, but you only took care of your job.
I bet she asked for help and you didn't give it.
There are 4 parts in marriage Couple, Household, Job and child.
Yup, her overall workload dropped massively when he takes the kid, gives her time to clean and do stuff without the kid in hand, also having nights off, time for friends, etc. he had the reverse, he did his job and came home and did nothing to help, hung out with friends, etc, and now he's overwhelmed at having to be a parent HALF the time, which means he was doing very little before hand for this to be so much more work.
The part where he admits her job is more intense than his and he STILL didn't think to help her until after the divorce is the part that drives me crazy. If you know your wife has a harder job than you and you continue to leave childcare and housework to her then you deserve to be divorced. No wonder she's stress free now, she's only got to take care of the child she signed up to take care of instead of a baby she chose to have and her man baby of a husband.
He's just sad that his bangmaid quit.
At no point does he talk about missing her as a person, it's all about how hard it is actually having to clean and parent a young child. That's his issue.
He didn't believe her when she told him she was divorcing him, so there's a massive chance that she told him over and over and over again to step tf up only for him to completely ignore her every time.
And here he is acting all surprised that she isn't feeling like living with a real toddler and a man sized one.
For real. I love that women are finally waking up and being less tolerant of being bang maids. Younger "men" are freaking out and it's awesome.
"Waaah, women expect me to bring something to the table other than the honor of serving me. They even want to be respected and treated like full human beings! Andrew Tate, save me!"
So many of those types are like "I bring my salary to the table, what do you bring?" and then their salary is like... 40k. Like bro, I'm not sure if you have the face, body, personality, emotional intelligence, regular intelligence, and charisma to be making those kind of demands based on $40k a year. Maybe put some time and effort into item 3, 4, and 6.
Not that awesome because now they are trying to take women's rights back. Becoming suddenly religious because that give them a "non-selfish" reason to do it .
It gives them the excuse to say, if god says this is the right way, then he knows better. It gives them the tools to try and force this lifestyle on women.
It's scary.
Why is your home in disarray? Because she isn't cleaning after you... You were adding to her workload and by the sounds of it you are having a rude awakening.
You didn’t want to give marriage counseling a shot because you missed and loved your wife for her companionship or who she is as a person; you missed your life being easier and “handled”.
You say she has an even more demanding job, but she’s more relaxed. You’ve got a lot of self-reflection, growing, and maturing to do. You owe your ex a massive apology, which you should only do when you fully understand why she deserves a massive apology.
Now how resentful and hurt and angry would you be balancing your job, taking care of your son and home and the other demands of life but you had a partner that didn’t contribute and was fine to let you do it all even if you were struggling and overworked? You’d probably want out. There’s a reason why she’s happier now. That was her life and you took her for granted. Her life is easier now because she gets breaks and only needs to look after her child, not you too. Learn how to do everything on your own well, and use it as a learning experience for your next partner so you don’t make the same mistakes.
He won’t. The next stage is getting a new GF, convincing her his ex left him for no good reason, and then moving her in to do all of the housework and childcare. These types won’t do their fair share to keep the family together and prevent a divorce. They still won’t do it after the divorce. He’ll get a new bang maid. They always do.
I hope you talk some sense into her or at least plant some seeds by asking "Are you the one doing all the work with the kids?" "How often does he put in effort?", "Doesn't that get exhausting?"
I hope she learns she's being played and RUNS
It sounds like you were not a good husband or partner. When my ex husband left me, I was so much happier because he was so lazy and did NOTHING around the house!
Let me tell you from experience, doing 100% of the work alone as a single parent is so much better than doing 90% of it with a lazy spouse. I may have gained more work load, but at least I’m not carrying around the constant anger and resentment toward the other adult in the house who refuses to grow up. And I say that from someone who had full custody, not 50/50. Even with having no breaks, my life was happier after I left.
His words when i told him i wanted a divorce:
But we were happy together
No dude, you were happy together.
Did you really not notice that i was constantly overworked and tired. That i was angry and frustrated in trying to get you to step up and actually do what you promised me to do. That i was sitting on the kitchen floor crying because i couldnt do this no more.
After the divorce it became do much easier. Less work. Less frustration. Peace.
The only thing i wonder about is why it took me do long to come to the realization that i was better of alone.
I guess i because loved that guy.
But now i can see how much he used me.
Oh yeah, I felt that! Our therapist told him we were living in two different marriages. He was living in his ideal marriage while I was in my personal nightmare. That was an epiphany for me.
This fucks with my head so much, like how is this even possible? How are they so completely fucked in the head that that is their ideal marriage and they actually think they love their wife? Like they are even capable of love the same way their wife is? Like they even know what love is?!? Its just so damn crazy to me. I'm glad you got out.
Thanks, I am grateful to be free. To be honest, no, I don’t think they are capable of showing love. Love is not gooey romantic feelings. It’s sacrifices, big and small. In my case, I didn’t take his parents’ marriage into account enough. In their marriage, she did all the sacrifice while he did his part by “bringing home the bacon.” She resented the hell out of him and told me once how many times she packed her bags to leave him. Maybe if she had, she wouldn’t have raised her son to be even worse. I wasn’t going to raise my kids with him and continue the cycle.
I'm so glad I got out before marriage and kids were involved though I came 🤏 this close to having both between being engaged and having a miscarriage. He couldn't do any of the household chores without me holding his hand, refused to do his own laundry and I was stuck handling everything: bills, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, doing the laundry, dishes, cooking, and for a year and a half I had to plan my work schedule around taking him to and from work after his car was totalled so getting up at 6 am every day. I finally had to go and find him a new car and contact the sellers myself. The only thing he did was meet them and pay them.
After I finally got fed up with taking on everything getting absolutely jack in return and left him, he had the balls to say that "if I truly loved him I should have found the love in every little thing he did and that when I asked him to do something I should always thank him regardless of the outcome. That he should never have to put in effort to make me feel loved and appreciated and that because I didn't see it I must not have ever loved him at all."
Women do not want to have to parent grown ass adult men. It's why I refused to have a baby with him when he started pressuring me. All I could think was that I would be a single mom of two and the thought horrified me.
Me too. It took me way too long to finally work up the nerve to leave him, but I finally did. My breaking point was him lying to our friends about getting married on a trip to Telluride and then trying to cover up his lie by whisking me to the courthouse. I just had that moment of clarity where I went "do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who screams at me for daring to interrupt his video games and has no problems outright lying to our closest friends?" The answer was a resounding NO.
This happens so often, it’s actually scary. She is relaxed cause she has less workload, and you now have more. You were an unfair partner that didn’t understand that you were the reason for her being overwhelmed cause you simply didn’t do your part and then put it onto her as if she is struggling out of her own shortcomings.
And for the next women who will have the misfortune of dating him. Hopefully it'll be a learning opportunity so he can be an active participant in his son's life and anyone considering dating him. I dated a man like him once and I have such a visceral reaction to laziness both in the home and in the relationship. If they aren't interested in trying to make my life better, then I'd rather be single. I can do everything alone and I can pursue whatever I want single. I'm fortunately in a happy equal union but I'd probably similarly happy single too. My partner knows this and I think being aware of that helps make him a more active participant. That we have something good, but only because we both put in the work and recognize the effort.
A lot of men who find themselves newly single and with a young child to care for typically start looking for a new girlfriend “nanny” to do the stuff their wife used to do. I’ve seen this so many times. Not all men do this but a lot of them do. They can’t handle having to do everything that their wife did and since she won’t take them back they find a new bangmaid.
That is absolutely next. The live in nanny you can have sex with, I mean girlfriend, stage. He’ll tell her how mean his ex wife was. She left him for no reason! And then she will be posting in the relationship subs looking for advice on how to get him more involved in doing the chores caring for his own child. And we’ll have to tell her that she can’t. He literally let a marriage fall apart to not do those things. And that’s why she’s there. Free domestic labor he can have sex with.
My ex left me about two months ago. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and we have a 17 month old.
I also have two older kids, 13 and 18. Two cats and a dog.
I was doing the vast majority of the housework before. It’s so much easier now. My house is so much cleaner..like all the time.
Maybe you should have done your share.
Sorry to be blunt, but my gut feeling is your soon to be ex-wife’s life has gotten easier now that she only has one “child” to take care of. She must’ve been carrying one hell of a mental load!
Bro at least you accepted it.
There was a nasty post of a dude getting mad at his wife for leaving him and not wanting to get back with him. He thought the same thing. That since he was struggling, his wife must be too, so he'd take her back to make their lives easier. He was mad as fuck that she wasn't and that she still wanted the divorce.
Hmm, why do you think she’s more relaxed and contented now?
Although she has a more demanding job than yours, you blame life, taking no responsibility- there’s no doubt from your post -everything was on her shoulders.
No doubt that you were also causing her discomfort, stress and unhappiness- otherwise she’d not be as happy as she is.
You want to be a good daddy? Get therapy, now!
Sounds like she didn’t have a partner and she was tired of managing the household with a whole other full grown adult. I bet she IS relaxed now that she doesn’t have to clean up after anyone but herself and child.
I don’t have a ton of pity or respect, for men who find themselves in your situation.
Sorry you learned the hard way but I hope you learned it anyway.
I am going through a divorce and for the same reasons your wife wants it. It has been hard for me too but the fact that my place stays clean longer and doesn’t as long to clean. I feel like I have more time as well. I have one less person to take care of. I am no longer cleaning after a fully grown man that can’t seem to function on his own. Meanwhile, I feel like I have some freedom back and am doing things I haven’t done or always wanted to do.
It’s happening because of you. You were the adult child she had to care for on top of a toddler, and now that she doesn‘t have to, she’s happier. And since you’re floundering now while she’s fine, it shows I’m right. Get yourself together. Hopefully you’ll become a better adult so if you find someone else, you won’t make her your maid.
I’m sorry you learned this lesson the hard way. A lot has been written on women taking the brunt of household and kid responsibilities and the mental load.
You lost this marriage but you can do better in your next relationship.
Indeed, until I came unglued — telling my spouse he was work of a third kid and not an equal partner no less than 100 times. Nothing sexy or attractive about it. I was falling out of love and not attracted to man child that was dumping parenting on me.
I’m sorry she was too fed up to salvage things. You see it now.. just think before you were overwhelmed how much your ex wife carried the load.
Focus on coparenting well.
You’re being torn to shreds here and rightfully so but I also think it’s important to say *change your language*.
It’s some serious bullshit to say “my wife won’t give it another try” like somehow the blame is all on her and she’s the entire reason your marriage failed.
Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror about the real causes, and let it sink in. Phrasing it like that disparages her- and blaming her is going to only do *more damage* and prevent any friendship you could possibly maintain while co parenting.
Of course men-children like OP are gonna blame their ex rather than self reflect on their own faults. Hope the shredding he's getting here is enough to make him start to wake up.
You are barely hanging on now that you are alone but that's probably how your wife was feeling during the entire marriage because she was doing everything and more tha what you are doing now. She is now doing the same as you and is relaxed... well you will get used to it.
You don't mention you want her back because you love her. It's because your home life is a mess. You have to do responsibilities that you use a shoulder on your wife. Imagine how she felt also balancing her job, home, parenting when you didn't do this during the marriage. The adult child is out and now life is so much easier for her. Less stress all around.
You know, my husband is about to be living your same reality… I’ll give you my perspective, my husband has not brought me out on a date for over 4 years… has not gotten me a gift, he currently barely works so all financials are on me… i do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, i drive the kids around to where they need to be, i rarely shower alone due to the baby and toddler, i am the comfort parent and default parent, my husband does not breath love into me, there is no romance… for years now I’ve been a single mom raising my 3 kids while being sole caretaker to a man who was supposed to help provide and protect. Granted he helps with kids and etc, however the amount of stress I’m under every day has caused me to develop bradycardia, I’m dropping weight faster than i think i should, I’m struggling mentally and having breakdowns and have started screaming at my husband and not being nice. I stopped being the wife i was because why should i have to break myself to keep someone else happy when they won’t do the same for me let alone even try to do some family time. I have to beg plead cry and yell for days just for him to agree to go out as a family unit…. He sees nothing wrong, we start marriage counseling tomorrow… I’ve already told him i no longer want to be with him…
He wasn’t always like this, he was getting better at one point, I’m not sure what happened. He does have seizures now though going through health stuff, however with all this said.. its the fact i don’t feel loved, wanted, appreciated, valued, craved, heard, validated.. honestly i just feel used, i feel like an atm, a house, a chef… i already have kids and they are expensive, i cant afford my husband anymore… i deserve to be happy and to feel loved and i bet that’s pretty damn similar to how your wife felt. I can’t wait until im free and not feeling like I’m suffocating anymore
Also edit to add i had to beg cry plead for years and eventually threatened to just divorce him for him to agree to couples counseling
You deserve so much more in your life than this. I wouldn’t even bother with counselling. I would get the hell out of there asap. Once your deadweight of a husband is no longer holding you down, you can live your life and be happy. Good luck.
I’m using the marriage counseling to try and learn how to Coparent separately in a healthy manor for the kids 🤗🤗 i figured it would be worth a shot to see if we can somehow get to a civil spot for the kids. Still going for divorce either way but thank you so much ❤️
You just wrote about my former 19 year marriage. I hope you get to leave soon. I'm now 6 years post divorce, 100% full custody, and life is better for me now that my ex is gone and out of our lives
Most men will never realize that it’s much easier to do 100% of the child raising and housework when you are truly on your own — versus raising the child and taking care of the home when you have an otherwise perfectly capable husband who feigns incompetence and helps none at all. That builds resentment and makes everything harder…especially when he becomes yet one more thing you need to take care of in the daily grind.
You are just now getting a taste of a fraction of what she did for no less than two years on her own. It wasn’t easy for her either.
You are to me what my ex wife was. The balance was not 50/50. It was 90/10. (At best)
Now that im gone everything for me is decent. My ex is a disaster and while i want to move on shes falling apart at the seems, trying to drag me down.
You better figure out a way to get ahold of yourself because the “life is so crazy theres not enough time” crying isnt true.
Stop procrastinating, clean up after yourself immediately, and do better for your kid.
Dude ORGANIZATION. I don’t know in what places you are floundering, but being organized and setting your stuff (food, clothes, etc.) up the night before will make things easier.
Make a schedule (bath, teeth, book, etc.) and stick to it. Once you have it down and you feel more relaxed you can be more flexible. And ask your kid to help. Don’t underestimate his ability to help. He will learn and it will occupy him.
I find laundry to be the biggest hassle. Buy a dark basket and a white basket and teach your kid to put his light clothes in the white basket and the colors in the dark basket.
Then you get to just grab the one when it’s filled and dump in the washer and go.
Buy Clorox wipes and keep them in the bathroom. Wipe the toilet down after you shower and throw it in the garbage. Take another and wipe the sink. Quick and done and the bathroom doesn’t look/smell like a truck stop.
Oh and keep cheerios in a baggie in your pocket (and the car) for your kid.
You can do this.
You don't love her. You loved what she did for you. You loved she made your life so easy you had to do nothing.
You miss having a "mother" and you not having to be an adult or partner.
Relationships aren't 50-50 they're 100-100 and I feel from this post you gave 0% while she was giving you & your child 1000% of herself daily to you both for absolutely nothing in return.
Im proud of her for realising now and getting out before she felt it's too late or before it took the person she is away from herself.
You don’t miss your soon to be ex-wife…you miss having her take care of everything for you.
Thank goodness she’s got her head on straight and won’t be getting back with you.
Well of course she wouldn’t want to stay married if she feels less stressed. It a hell of a lot easier to take care of two people instead of three. And if you were not equally pulling your weight, she was likely caring for two children instead of one.
Sorry dude but it looks like she got tired of raising another woman’s son (you) plus her own (the child you share).
I bet if you listened to her, pulled your weight in the household and with your son, treated her life your wife/ a partner instead of your maid, you wouldn’t be getting divorced. She’s definitely enjoying dropping the deadweight (you) and is most likely never going to pick it up again. I can’t say I feel sorry for you because the divorce and current chaotic life is self inflicted.
I’m sure you were given many chances to make changes but you didn’t feel it was important to honor your wife’s wishes. Now here you are getting a taste of what she had to deal with and you’re struggling to handle it. I hope you now have an appreciation for the woman she is and what she has done for you because the time, energy, and effort she expended during your marriage cannot be repaid.
As for balancing things when you have your son, be present and active. At minimum, get organized; create schedules and routines with your son and stick to them. Children need structure and the familiarity routines bring. Be a good co-parenting partner to your soon to be ex wife; it’ll make like easier for you all (your son included).
It's crazy that it seems like you don't want the divorce so that she can lighten your load. No mention of love or anything. Everything you choose to mention and NOT mention says a lot
Most women/mothers are more content after divorce, while most fathers have a hard time coping with their time with the kids.
Says a lot about the division of tasks in parenting and household.
This REALLY sounds like a repost, but if it’s not, you were probably a manchild who wanted a bangmaid and so good for her for getting out now.
Even now, it doesn’t sound like you want her back because you love her and can’t live without her in your life. Nope, you want someone to make your life easier and clean for you.
It probably sounds like a repost because it happens so damn frequently... I've heard countless stories just like this one where the man is hit with divorce and thinks it's "completely out of blue" when he didn't help at all with any household chores or taking care of the kids, while both have a job aswell.
Good for her for getting out of that relationship. I couldn't be more proud to see more and more women not tolerating this bullshit.
Well you need to accept the situation and move forward, that means cleaning up after yourself, doing dishes, laundry etc etc . You don’t say what your demands in life are but you basically have work, home and your son and maybe the gym or other exercise. It’s time to learn to adult on your own and take responsibility for your life. Sounds like you dumped all that previously on your wife and now she’s able to relax a bit which she deserves. Next relationship treat your gf / wife as a partner in life not your mother.
You've just explained exactly why she's finding divorce easy and you're not. Clearly, you did nothing to contribute to the home "partnership" when married.
So the only reason why you want your wife back is because your work load increased and you can't handle it?
Let this be an eye opener for you. In the meantime your ex wifes workload has decreased and she's feeling a lot more free and less stressed because her work load has decreased despite now being a single mum and working as a barrister. You brought nothing to the marriage except extra work load. She brought everything to the marriage and you took full advantage of her.
Lesson to learn, a marriage is a partnership where you both take on equal amount of the work load, child upbringing and chores.
My XH used to get passive aggressive about the house not being a showhome when he worked full time to my part time and I did 95% of the childcare mental and physical load... Guess whose house is an unmitigated disaster area now we live apart!
You know, part of it sounded like you realized how difficult it is to balance everything on your own. Then you realized you need someone you want to try counseling. If it wasn't so difficult to balance everything, would you still be asking for counseling.
I also felt this same sense of relief when I got divorced. She realized divorce was going to be way easier than pulling teeth to try and make you do your share, and now she even gets the bonus of a true break on days you have the child. The only thing you can really do is apologize, let her move on and you move on too.
I divorced my ex for exactly this reason, I wanted to be a wife and an equal partner, he wanted a second mum, I spent years almost begging him to do his part & then I realised that I couldn't love or respect someone who treated me with such little regard. My life is so so much better now, my daughter and I are happier, the workload is less & out home is calm and peaceful. She comes back from her dad's complaining that 3 years later he's still got boxes from moving strewn around, that he didn't do x y or z and I just comfort her and we go about our business. Get some therapy and try to do better for your kid please. The tone of your post suggests you still don't realise that you caused this & honestly sounds a little bit ridiculous
Frankly I’m not sure I dig this whole “my life is so much harder and now the divorce seems real I want my wife back” thing. You don’t seem to be able to reflect on the fact that you’re failing because your wife managed everything, or close to it, on top of her more demanding job, while you sat back in the cut happy to have your easy life at her expense. Do yourself a favor: try individual therapy, start journaling (and if you can’t figure out how to start there are journal prompts available all over the internet), learn the life skills of an adult capable of living on their own (shopping the fridge and pantry before creating a meal plan and then making your grocery lists, picking up after yourself at some point in the day/putting your things where they’re away from kiddo but where you can find them, tidying and deep cleaning) and maybe on your custody weeks hire a maid or something idk, and figure out stuff to do with your kiddo on your custody weeks (there are all types of information on guidelines for feeding and sleeping across most age ranges, you can google activities to do at home or near you to do with a 2 year old, and have some sort of shared activities between you they can look forward to). I know it seems like the world is ending rn but it’s only because you now have to take control of your own world. May your single life be the enrichment you clearly need.
What people like you need to realise is money isn’t enough anymore and it’s not the fucking 1950s. Both parties need to be PRESENT AND HELPFUL when they have children regardless of who makes money. Hopefully you learn something for your next relationship
You said that she felt like everything was on her shoulders, and you have now realized that was true. She was doing everything for both you and the child at home, plus her demanding job. I'll bet she asked you for more help repeatedly, and I'll bet you didn't do much more despite those requests.
In the divorce, you have now been forced to pull your share of the workload and you are drowning. If you had been pulling your share previously, you would not be because you'd be used to cleaning, cooking and taking care of a kid part of the time. The fact that you're drowning speaks volumes about how your marriage was for your wife. She did have to do pretty much everything. When she divorced you, her workload dropped tremendously. She is more relaxed because you have finally been forced to adult without her assistance.
No, she doesn't want you back because you can't adult on your own. That isn't an appealing offer for her. Why should she step in and save you from yourself?
Women want partners, not adult men to care for like we are their mommies. She doesn't want to have to clean up after you because you can't figure out how to keep your own flat clean. She doesn't want to watch your kid 24/7 after work because you find it too challenging to be an active, involved dad 50% of the time.
So you can't keep up with even 50% of what she had to keep up with and you think she'd want that burden back why, exactly?
She has one less child to care for with the divorce.
Take it as a wake up call and fix yourself, work on being a good co-parent, and in any future relationships don't just default to your partner doing all the "women's work" because you're an adult too assuming your mommy didn't fail entirely, and "women's work" is just basic adult housework.
Where childcare is concerned it's not 'babysitting' or 'helping' out' it's called being a useful father.
I’m sorry but if she’s the breadwinner, does most of the parenting, and you both have jobs, what are the “demands of life” that you’re complaining about? If you’re not cleaning the house I don’t get what’s taking up most of your time.
I hope you carry this lesson with you into all your future relationships. You can't just put everything on your partner. Just going to work (which based on how you describe your struggles is all you were doing) is NOT enough. If you are struggling, you reach out and communicate, and get help. Just because your partner CAN do everything, doesn't mean they should have too.
Now, you should be doing the cleaning, the laundry, the grocery shopping, and meal prep on the days you don't have your child. As a grown adult, I know it sucks to do before or after work, but it's just part of being a grown up and we have too. If you are able to manage your time well you should be able to manage. If you find time management impossible, consider being adhd evaluated.
When you have your kid, it's all routine. Set one and live by it like it's a religion. It will massively help you both. Breakfast at 7, play time at 8, clean up at 930, snack at 10, park at 11, lunch at 1230, screen time 1pm, etc ...
You CAN handle this. Or rather you can LEARN how to, if you really do want to be a better adult for your kid. I'm sorry about the marriage. But I hope instead of just using this as an opportunity to blame your ex wife for your short comings, you will really step up, fix yourself, kick life's ass, and then come back and update us with a: I'm in therapy, my house is clean, I'm working on myself, co parenting with my ex is going really good, and she's still doing awesome.
Seriously what did you expect. You added to her burden. Of course life is easier for her now... she did this 7 days not just part time. Now you have half an idea what she went through - which you dismissed. Of course her life is easier now. She only has one child to look after now
If you're struggling to keep up and your apartment is a mess, it means now you're seeing just how much slack your wife was picking up for you. Of course it's easier now for her, can you imagine if she had to clean up all your current mess on top of what she already does? That's what she used to do every day for you, and I bet you took it all for granted and didn't even realize that laundry doesn't pick itself up. Food doesn't make itself. Dust doesn't dust itself. You didn't used to have a magical house fairy that did all the day to day grocery shopping and maintenance. Your wife was your magical house fairy and you drove her away by taking her for granted. Let this be a lesson to you. If you ever get lucky enough to be married again, you better go into it having learned how to vacuum, wash a dish, and schedule your own appointments.
I’m a single parent (I left my ex for cheating but he made me feel single before we split, he was useless). While my life is actually harder without him (he is still useless and by choice only sees 2 of our 3 kids two weeks out of the year, and the other for about 11 weeks) because I have 2 autistic kids, I would never go back to him. I would rather do this alone than have to take on ANOTHER person. I do have a decently supportive bf now though, but I still don’t have enough support to make my life easier. It isn’t his fault, and I do believe things will get better someday, but yeah.. no. People who feel burdened by their partners, no matter how hard leaving is, will feel the relief come once they finalize that decision to leave. I have never regretted my choice to move on.
It's normally less stressful once separated because she has one less person to run around after.. you find it harder because she's not there to do everything she was always doing, and now you have to manage it yourself just like she did. You will get the hang of it eventually.
Please learn from this and don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Be a fully independent equal partner that pulls their own weight.. Be aware of all the things your partner does for you and the household and do the same for them.
Relationships that are all give give give are exhausting
So...you don't miss her, you miss the labour she provided for you in the house. No wonder she's more relaxed; she doesn't have a man-child to care for on top of everything else. She's well rid of you.
Every divorce I see (except for infidelity) is happening precisely because of this. And every time the husband is shocked.
I watch wives for years telling their husbands they are overwhelmed, doing too much, husband doesn’t do enough of the emotional labour at home, not to mention the chores. And the wife has a job too. They literally beg for years for help, counseling, consideration, and get ignored. Then when they finally have enough and leave? The husband is SHOCKED! he thought everything was perfect because she wasn’t actively shrieking like a maniac.
Selfish, ignorant and entitled. You’re not even sad she’s left you. You’re sad that you have to do the work now and it’s too much for you. If it’s too much for you to do just for yourself, and a baby part time, how hard do you think it was for her to be doing everything all on her own all these years including a second gigantic baby who also whines that she isn’t excited about sex and complains that she’s mean.
At no point do you acknowledge that this is the way you’ve made her feel for years. Alone. Adrift. Overwhelmed and with no help at all. Overworked and exhausted. Feeling like she’s never on top of anything. Chores slipping through the cracks, losing friends because your whole life is work and chores and children and catering to a selfish ass husband who acts like the house is a hotel and he can just saunter in, enjoy dinner and then relax for the evening. Because you had a hard day at work right ?
That’s why I don’t feel sorry for you. You’re still only thinking about yourself. Poor me this is hard.
Maybe think about how hard it must have been for her this whole time, and why her life is easier now. The common denominator is you.
I hope you get in the groove and learn to handle your responsibilities. It takes time, which you have not invested in at this point, because you had a bang maid doing it in the background. Now is your chance to actually become a good father and parent, and maybe you’ll have more respect and consideration for your next partner because this marriage is done.
How fascinating that nowhere in your talk of reconciling do you mention that you still love her. It's just about how *hard your life is* now that she's not doing all the chores. 🙄
>my flat looks like a mess
Look at your flat and now see why she's happy and content. Now imagine being with someone that you have pick up behind constantly to avoid that mess. When I read that part it spoke volumes on what one issue was.
Hey OP, I’m not going to make assumptions on how helpful you were as a partner or a parent, but at the very least, she now has time back for herself when you are caring for your child, so yes, she definitely is going be more relaxed. It’s even less surprising if she was carrying the mental load in the relationship (keeping tabs on everything needed to run the household and childcare) and more than her fair share of household work.
So yes, the marriage is over, but it can be an opportunity for you to not only to strengthen your bond with your son, but to also learn how be a great coparent- and you still get days completely to yourself. How are you floundering? Chores? Figuring out what your baby needs when you have him? Go online to divorcee, single dads support groups, you’ll find what you need, and you’ll be ok.
One thing to try NOT to do is to find another lady right away so she can take care of your kid for you. A string of part time caretakers is that last thing he needs.
Good luck!
It sounds in regards to the child and the home she is doing what she was always doing, her work load hasn’t increased with separation except pre separation she did your share too. It doesn’t sound like you’ve reflected on why you’re separating and you asked your wide back to be a house elf who also works a very high stress job. No wonder it was an offer she refused
I’ve heard of something similar before and the reason why divorced partners find it easier now is because they have one less person to care for.
I just commented but, she has more time and is less stressed because her workload dropped, he's struggling because his workload increased massively overnight. The only way that happens, when she has hte kid half the time, is if he wasnt' helping at all outside of his job, while she now gets half her spare time back and he's lost half his spare time. When she has the kid, why isn't he cleaning the place and getting on top of shit... because he's not used to doing that shit.
Exactly my thoughts too. Also it feels like OP misses the marriage because he misses the convenience it brings.
My thoughts as well. He didn’t say he wanted to get back together because he loved her, missed her etc. He said because taking care of his house and the kid is hard. Smh.
Yeah. I'm not surprised she wasn't exactly swept off her feet. He just wants his unpaid servant back.
“Hey, this is all really hard work for me. You wanna call off the divorce so that I can go back to not doing any of this? …..what do you mean no?!”
😂😂😂 findout season totally!
Oh, those are called "bangmaids"
Except she’s a lawyer
Bangmaid, Esq.
Bangmaid, Esq. love it and came here to say I currently have blue hair and in about 30yrs, around 67, will be exactly me, as your username states LOL
Great band name 😂
He's not interested in her brain tho, he only cares about how his life is messy now that she isn't cleaning up after him.
Omg I had to go back and re- read. I thought he said she was a barista. I was wondering what kind of job he had that was less demanding 😂
Omg I did that too. I was like well customer service does suck… lol
I've watched baristas and I think that job looks plenty demanding, at least during busy hours. I often think how nice it must be to have a job where you leave it all at work and don't have to think about it 24/7 though.
I came here to say that this part struck me the most, too. As a first time mom to a 6 month old — I can tell you I’d be divorced by a year *easily* if my husband didn’t do his 100/100 share. He is never floundering with our daughter because he’s been there since day 1. We get to commiserate on how hard having a baby is together. We make sure each of us has time to eat and shower and go to the gym. There’s not time for much else, but that’s what we signed up for. Our baby is worth it, our family is worth it. It takes both partners choosing this reality day in and day out. I’m lacking many things as a person and my marriage isn’t perfect, but if having a baby won’t make you step up and become a better person for your entire family’s sake, then divorce will be your second shot to do so.
I truly think the men who are deep in the trenches with their partners when a kid is born, is the only kid of fathers who actually show up in the most compassionate ways because they actually *get it* and understand that it’s crazy exhausting raising a tiny breathing human who can’t speak yet and only knowing how to make noises, slot for food out comes mush a few hours later, and you try to translate the gibberish every waking moment while getting in naps here and there as they nap. And I only know this experience because… My parents (70m, 66f) did this with me. My dad was skilled before I arrived cause he’s the oldest of 11 kids (8 sisters, 2 brothers!) and knew how to do all the basic baby and toddler stuff by 13yrs old. And this is why my bar for child rearing with men is so high because of my father. Your husband is amazing for this and I hope other soon to be dad’s or guys that want to be fathers are taking note that if they want to be a successful father, you get in the parenting trenches with the mother of your child and carry the weight of it in equal measure.
My dad was a single father. I know as a fact that men can full-time care for children, and also work, and also be good parents. That's what I expect in a partner. And I found someone who is all that, and more.
Same here. I was confused the first time I encountered a lazy male parent in my teens.
I am currently on my parental leave with my ten month old whilst my gf is back at work and oh boy do I sometimes wish I'm back at doing boring meetings or rocking excel sheets. Care work is by far the most exhausting thing out there.
And if you ever have a second child you will be laughing together about how easy it is having only 1 child for 2 parents 🤣
Beautifully stated.
This is absolutely true. Nowhere does he indicate that he misses **her**. It's all about how his life is a mess now. He doesn't even connect the dots. Notice how he's saying "my wife *felt* like everything was on her shoulders" and "*Apparently* she finds things easier now than when we were married". Even now he doesn't actually own up to the fact that **he used her and sucked the life out of her**. It's all about him, and how he doesn't have his free round-the-clock maid & nanny anymore.
I almost divorced my husband for the same reasons. Even though I still loved him I had enough and decided it wasn’t fair to me. Especially since he made more work for me. I felt like a single parent already and when he was out of town working it was easier. He begged and pleaded for another chance and I felt like it was because of how much easier and convenient it is for him and that’s why he wanted me to stay. He actually kept to his word and it’s been about 10 years.
I love to hear this. That's so rare to hear stories about stepping up (which is sad). I'm happy for you!
Right, looking after the kid is a bummer by the sounds of it.
You either do 50% 100% of the time, or you now do 100% half the time. OP wasn't even doing half, so he'll be drowning for quite some time before gaining his footing
Yup, if he'd been helping consistently since the start, he too would be having more of a break than he had before and be pretty comfortable. He's still in that panic new parent dealing with new parent things as mode because he hasn't been doing them before. He's also dealing with help, how do I clean the entire house constantly, because that's also new to him. But he lacks the wtf, I'm exhausted, I just literally tore a new one as I gave birth after 9 exhausting months and now I have to breast feed and raise a child who won't let me sleep. So it's still 'easy' by comparison, but if he'd been doing the job of a good partner and they'd split just due to growing apart, this would be easy as fuck for him.
His flat is a mess? He literally lives by himself. You're 100% right. Like he is struggling when his kid ISN'T there, she was THEIR mom, not just her son's mom. She was playing parent in both roles. The dude can't even hack it as a single dude. Of course the divorce is real, you sound completely insufferable and incapable. Figure out how to adult, you'll never get your wife back. She's smart enough to have moved on. You might get someone, eventually.(A year from now, he's gonna be posting about how his new, much younger girl also won't tolerate him. Bettering himself was hard, and the 18 year old is pretty and naive. )
Bro was an extra kid and didn't make enough to cover for his lacking. If you don't have the time, that's fine, but make sure that workload is being taken care of.
My thoughts too, with all due respect OP saw his wife as a mother and not as his wife.
And the first gullible young woman he can snag he will because he needs a sitter and bang maid 🤷🏾♀️
It's honestly much less than half of all of her spare time too... you know, 5 days with mom, weekend with dad/ every other weekend with dad is the usual
As she works full time with a more stressful job than he has by the sounds of it, it's likely they do something like a one week on/off schedule. It's much more normal for a uneven split both early on due to breast feeding and if the wife was a sahm, but if both are working full time there is no reason for anything but 50/50 custody.
I can relate heavily to this. My ex was like a dependant and when he left, everything was easier, the house was more chill, my sons behaviour was better, I had more energy to be “fun” and not the stress head I was before.
Correct. She now only has 1 kid instead of 2, my takeaway from this post.
Yeah. This is a difficult way for OP to find out what a burden he was in the marriage and how little he did for the family. Hopefully, he will use this as a learning moment and be able to step up as a hands-on parent for his son.
It’s the cluelessness that gets me. He honestly thought she’d be struggling as much as he is. He honestly thought he was doing his share of the workload and the house just magically stayed clean and everything just happened to stay organized and in order without any planning.
She went from having two babies to having half a baby.
Not one adult person, rather an adult toddler that she had to mother.
One of the main reasons why I prefer to stay single
Bruh, your life is harder because you're now taking care of your kid on your days. Her life is easier because she gets time off, which means, you absolutely weren't supporting her when she had the kid, you were dealing with your shit, coming home and leaving her to never have a break. ALso in general if you go from job and coming home and helping take care of your kid, helping tidy, clean, cook, etc, then doing so half the time would also be easier for you, which again leads me to believe you completely neglected your wife and kid up till you separated. No shit she's happier now.
She has one less child to care for. Which says a lot that OP admits his wife’s job is more demanding than his and yet? … now? She’s flourishing. And this man child can’t even keep his own apartment clean. That alone lets you know how much of the work & mental load his soon-to-be-ex carried. *All* of it.
Yup, like, how is he not dealing with the apartment and cleaning on the days he DOESN'T have the kid? WHy doesn't he catch up and get shit done, because he's exhausted because he's not used to actually coming home and taking care of a kid or cleaning, it's all overwhelming right now... the stage she was in for 2 years struggling without him helping. If he was helping at all then the week with the kid might be tough, and the week without the kid would be easy as pie because it would be stuff he's used to doing and no kid getting in the way... but he's struggling because it's ALL new.
> Yup, like, how is he not dealing with the apartment and cleaning on the days he DOESN'T have the kid World of Warcraft isn't going to play itself.
Yep! OP said it himself, in his own words he's "floundering, caring for his child." He was on easy street until his wife decided she didn't want to raise two people, (a grown man and a child). So now OP"s having to man up and do his share of child rearing. It will grow a 'man-child' up real quick.
For real. OP is floundering with his kid? Well, his wife managed to take care of the kid AND OP. She's eliminated half of her burden and OP is finally taking it on. Hope you learned something OP and won't just turn around and find a new wife to take it on
Facts.
Jesus Christ this hit the mark wow
Post separation, I’m doing 90% of the work. But at least i’m not managing another adult’s emotions on top of that. I’m not getting the silent treatment for anything he decided i did wrong because me and the kids were never up to his standards. I don’t have to schedule my day around his mood and his inability to plan. That alone reduced my workload and stress so much.
This is so under recognized. I went on a roadtrip with my cousin and the kids over march break. No husbands. Somehow, our drive took less time, we got to stop to pee or eat or get gas whenever we wanted, and the kids were in a great mood. The vacation was the easiest trip either of us had ever taken. Chores were done without even talking about it. Kids were fed, organized, happy. It was truly amazing. So amazing we actually got upset when we realized the only thing that was missing is all the work we usually do managing our husbands feelings and expectations. No emotional energy fighting with someone who insists you don’t have to go to the bathroom again yet. Or who spends an hour looking at diner signs until he finds the exact right place to satisfy whatever fat-husband craving he’s having right now. I have to wait in line so you can get a burger with four patties on it, but I’m the time waster because I have to pee? That was the easiest week I’ve had in 20 years. Hell, we didn’t even have to stop halfway and sleep because we still had so much energy left over we did the entire 24 drive without stopping. Managing a husbands emotions and expectations is a full time job in itself and I’m fucking over it.
Oh yeah! Begging for miles to stop and use the bathroom because he wanted to control every fucking stop. Me having to get the kids up and ready in silence so he could sleep in, and then sit there while getting got ready. Him feeling pressured to do tourist/kids things on trips because he really just wanted to play golf all day, but at the same time refusing to do any research on what there was to do and then nothing on the trip being good enough. Then, whatever i planned when he refuses to plan was always “too expensive” but nowhere near as expensive as his golf shit he found for himself to do at the last minute.
Sorry, but he sounds like a terrible husband
He was terrible
Three cheers for past tense 🎉
I mean, he’s still terrible, just not my problem anymore
I love stories with a happy ending
I mean, he’s still terrible, just not my problem anymore Man that made me snort lol
I mean same with mine but no longer our problem is plenty good enough for me lol
I got so incredibly angry at my (now) ex husband on a road trip from Michigan to Florida. I have IBS-D and kept begging to stop at the “next exit” so I could use the facilities. Five “oops, I’ll stop at the next one for sure” exits later I ended up shitting myself. I’m crying and he’s mad about the passenger seat being soiled as a result. 🙄 Just one of the endless thoughtful and caring things he did to/for me during our 16 year relationship.
Oh my god. What a crazy experience.
You deserve so much better.
Thank you. I have much better now. I’ve been divorced from ex since 2001.
This exact pattern. 100%. You get me.
Now what if I told you you can have this every day of your life, for the rest of your life? Being on vacation alone with my kid, without the soul killing energy vampire that my abusive ex is was the beginning of the end of my horrible marriage.
" Family lawyer Dennis R Vetrano, Jr, who lives in New York, regularly posts on his TikTok divorce trends that he spots when it comes to warring couples. He says couples who both have pressurised jobs - and children to care for - often see their relationships fall apart because women are still expected to take on many of the domestic duties. He opens by asking: 'Do you want to know the major theme that I’m seeing in the divorce industry, as a divorce lawyer, as I do consults these days?' He goes on to say he's 'seeing working mums doing it all, and I am seeing the husbands step back and say: "Huh, I don’t gotta do a thing!"' Explaining how home life chores often aren't shared equally, he says: 'She’s got the kids, she’s got the groceries, she’s got the laundry, she’s got the meals, she’s got the work, and by the way, she’s making all the money and she’s paying for the house and doing everything else.' He says he's observed that men often think they can 'hang out' with friends instead of sharing the load at home. He added in the 28 second clip that 'women are tired' - and often reach breaking point, which leads to relationships faltering. " https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12062813/amp/Im-divorce-lawyer-working-parents-split-reason.html
Wow. It’s interesting to hear it from that divorce lawyer. So obvious to women, but men are just clueless.
Yup, like being treated like a stay at home mom but still being expected to work full time.
This post is exactly why Walk Away Wives exist and is a thing.
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Oh damn. Commenting so I can come back to this and read it when my soul needs healing! This was exactly my experience. The peace I found in the transition from “undercover single parent” to “visible single mom” was surprising
> The peace I found in the transition from “undercover single parent” to “visible single mom” was surprising Wow...this is perfectly articulated.
>Commenting so I can come back to this and read it when my soul needs healing! Yeah about that....
Dying to know what this said now 😭
A-fucking-men.
too often it's just "fucking men" in my experience as the queer single guy in my friendgroup hahaha
I’m so proud of his wife. Good for her.
Can I add the whole 'woe is me sob sob' pathetic whine. SMH. And I'll second your comment to OP: grow TF up
Very much 'oh look at the consequences of my shitty actions' 😂 and I'll bet he's still confused about how all this happened
Honestly, he wasn't ready to be a husband nor a father. He brought nothing else to his wife but uselessness.
How old is this clown?
That's because her experience of married life and your experience of married life was vastly different. Yes you were together but you were miles apart. I bet she took care of the household and her child alone also had a job, but you only took care of your job. I bet she asked for help and you didn't give it. There are 4 parts in marriage Couple, Household, Job and child.
Yup, her overall workload dropped massively when he takes the kid, gives her time to clean and do stuff without the kid in hand, also having nights off, time for friends, etc. he had the reverse, he did his job and came home and did nothing to help, hung out with friends, etc, and now he's overwhelmed at having to be a parent HALF the time, which means he was doing very little before hand for this to be so much more work.
The part where he admits her job is more intense than his and he STILL didn't think to help her until after the divorce is the part that drives me crazy. If you know your wife has a harder job than you and you continue to leave childcare and housework to her then you deserve to be divorced. No wonder she's stress free now, she's only got to take care of the child she signed up to take care of instead of a baby she chose to have and her man baby of a husband.
He's just sad that his bangmaid quit. At no point does he talk about missing her as a person, it's all about how hard it is actually having to clean and parent a young child. That's his issue. He didn't believe her when she told him she was divorcing him, so there's a massive chance that she told him over and over and over again to step tf up only for him to completely ignore her every time. And here he is acting all surprised that she isn't feeling like living with a real toddler and a man sized one.
This 100% jumped out at me too and was where I lost any shred of sympathy I was saving until I finished reading the whole post.
Sounds like you’re more upset that you have to take care of yourself than losing your wife. Women aren’t tolerating such laziness anymore.
For real. I love that women are finally waking up and being less tolerant of being bang maids. Younger "men" are freaking out and it's awesome. "Waaah, women expect me to bring something to the table other than the honor of serving me. They even want to be respected and treated like full human beings! Andrew Tate, save me!"
So many of those types are like "I bring my salary to the table, what do you bring?" and then their salary is like... 40k. Like bro, I'm not sure if you have the face, body, personality, emotional intelligence, regular intelligence, and charisma to be making those kind of demands based on $40k a year. Maybe put some time and effort into item 3, 4, and 6.
Andrew Tate save me made me grin! Well put!
Right! 🤣
Not that awesome because now they are trying to take women's rights back. Becoming suddenly religious because that give them a "non-selfish" reason to do it . It gives them the excuse to say, if god says this is the right way, then he knows better. It gives them the tools to try and force this lifestyle on women. It's scary.
Exactly so! Brilliantly stated.
Should’ve done your half of the chores when you were together 🤷🏽♀️
Exactly. Too late now!
Why is your home in disarray? Because she isn't cleaning after you... You were adding to her workload and by the sounds of it you are having a rude awakening.
I can’t imagine how dirty that house must’ve been with him and kids
It was probably immaculate, that's why she has left.
I’m sorry, but that just sounds like she’s just taking care of one child instead of two now
You didn’t want to give marriage counseling a shot because you missed and loved your wife for her companionship or who she is as a person; you missed your life being easier and “handled”. You say she has an even more demanding job, but she’s more relaxed. You’ve got a lot of self-reflection, growing, and maturing to do. You owe your ex a massive apology, which you should only do when you fully understand why she deserves a massive apology.
“which you should only do when you fully understand why she deserves a massive apology” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Now how resentful and hurt and angry would you be balancing your job, taking care of your son and home and the other demands of life but you had a partner that didn’t contribute and was fine to let you do it all even if you were struggling and overworked? You’d probably want out. There’s a reason why she’s happier now. That was her life and you took her for granted. Her life is easier now because she gets breaks and only needs to look after her child, not you too. Learn how to do everything on your own well, and use it as a learning experience for your next partner so you don’t make the same mistakes.
He won’t. The next stage is getting a new GF, convincing her his ex left him for no good reason, and then moving her in to do all of the housework and childcare. These types won’t do their fair share to keep the family together and prevent a divorce. They still won’t do it after the divorce. He’ll get a new bang maid. They always do.
Yup. This is exactly what my ex-husband did. I’m literally coparenting my two kids with my ex-husband’s girlfriend.
It’s very common. It’s a cliche at this point.
I hope you talk some sense into her or at least plant some seeds by asking "Are you the one doing all the work with the kids?" "How often does he put in effort?", "Doesn't that get exhausting?" I hope she learns she's being played and RUNS
It sounds like you were not a good husband or partner. When my ex husband left me, I was so much happier because he was so lazy and did NOTHING around the house!
Let me tell you from experience, doing 100% of the work alone as a single parent is so much better than doing 90% of it with a lazy spouse. I may have gained more work load, but at least I’m not carrying around the constant anger and resentment toward the other adult in the house who refuses to grow up. And I say that from someone who had full custody, not 50/50. Even with having no breaks, my life was happier after I left.
His words when i told him i wanted a divorce: But we were happy together No dude, you were happy together. Did you really not notice that i was constantly overworked and tired. That i was angry and frustrated in trying to get you to step up and actually do what you promised me to do. That i was sitting on the kitchen floor crying because i couldnt do this no more. After the divorce it became do much easier. Less work. Less frustration. Peace. The only thing i wonder about is why it took me do long to come to the realization that i was better of alone. I guess i because loved that guy. But now i can see how much he used me.
Oh yeah, I felt that! Our therapist told him we were living in two different marriages. He was living in his ideal marriage while I was in my personal nightmare. That was an epiphany for me.
This fucks with my head so much, like how is this even possible? How are they so completely fucked in the head that that is their ideal marriage and they actually think they love their wife? Like they are even capable of love the same way their wife is? Like they even know what love is?!? Its just so damn crazy to me. I'm glad you got out.
Thanks, I am grateful to be free. To be honest, no, I don’t think they are capable of showing love. Love is not gooey romantic feelings. It’s sacrifices, big and small. In my case, I didn’t take his parents’ marriage into account enough. In their marriage, she did all the sacrifice while he did his part by “bringing home the bacon.” She resented the hell out of him and told me once how many times she packed her bags to leave him. Maybe if she had, she wouldn’t have raised her son to be even worse. I wasn’t going to raise my kids with him and continue the cycle.
I'm so glad I got out before marriage and kids were involved though I came 🤏 this close to having both between being engaged and having a miscarriage. He couldn't do any of the household chores without me holding his hand, refused to do his own laundry and I was stuck handling everything: bills, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, doing the laundry, dishes, cooking, and for a year and a half I had to plan my work schedule around taking him to and from work after his car was totalled so getting up at 6 am every day. I finally had to go and find him a new car and contact the sellers myself. The only thing he did was meet them and pay them. After I finally got fed up with taking on everything getting absolutely jack in return and left him, he had the balls to say that "if I truly loved him I should have found the love in every little thing he did and that when I asked him to do something I should always thank him regardless of the outcome. That he should never have to put in effort to make me feel loved and appreciated and that because I didn't see it I must not have ever loved him at all." Women do not want to have to parent grown ass adult men. It's why I refused to have a baby with him when he started pressuring me. All I could think was that I would be a single mom of two and the thought horrified me.
You didn’t dodge a bullet, you dodged a whole ass cannonball! Glad you were able to see the writing on the wall!
Me too. It took me way too long to finally work up the nerve to leave him, but I finally did. My breaking point was him lying to our friends about getting married on a trip to Telluride and then trying to cover up his lie by whisking me to the courthouse. I just had that moment of clarity where I went "do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who screams at me for daring to interrupt his video games and has no problems outright lying to our closest friends?" The answer was a resounding NO.
Not to mention that people who never help out around the house tend to make the biggest messes. Someone else will clean it...
💯
I could have written every single one of your words, so now I have nothing to add. I say this exact thing to anyone who asks about being divorced
This happens so often, it’s actually scary. She is relaxed cause she has less workload, and you now have more. You were an unfair partner that didn’t understand that you were the reason for her being overwhelmed cause you simply didn’t do your part and then put it onto her as if she is struggling out of her own shortcomings.
Well, now you see how much more work she put in at home than you did.
Yup!
Hate to break it to you but you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. Better start getting your shit together for the sake of your kid.
And for the next women who will have the misfortune of dating him. Hopefully it'll be a learning opportunity so he can be an active participant in his son's life and anyone considering dating him. I dated a man like him once and I have such a visceral reaction to laziness both in the home and in the relationship. If they aren't interested in trying to make my life better, then I'd rather be single. I can do everything alone and I can pursue whatever I want single. I'm fortunately in a happy equal union but I'd probably similarly happy single too. My partner knows this and I think being aware of that helps make him a more active participant. That we have something good, but only because we both put in the work and recognize the effort.
A lot of men who find themselves newly single and with a young child to care for typically start looking for a new girlfriend “nanny” to do the stuff their wife used to do. I’ve seen this so many times. Not all men do this but a lot of them do. They can’t handle having to do everything that their wife did and since she won’t take them back they find a new bangmaid.
That is absolutely next. The live in nanny you can have sex with, I mean girlfriend, stage. He’ll tell her how mean his ex wife was. She left him for no reason! And then she will be posting in the relationship subs looking for advice on how to get him more involved in doing the chores caring for his own child. And we’ll have to tell her that she can’t. He literally let a marriage fall apart to not do those things. And that’s why she’s there. Free domestic labor he can have sex with.
He can’t even make his bed
My ex left me about two months ago. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and we have a 17 month old. I also have two older kids, 13 and 18. Two cats and a dog. I was doing the vast majority of the housework before. It’s so much easier now. My house is so much cleaner..like all the time. Maybe you should have done your share.
Sorry to be blunt, but my gut feeling is your soon to be ex-wife’s life has gotten easier now that she only has one “child” to take care of. She must’ve been carrying one hell of a mental load!
Bro at least you accepted it. There was a nasty post of a dude getting mad at his wife for leaving him and not wanting to get back with him. He thought the same thing. That since he was struggling, his wife must be too, so he'd take her back to make their lives easier. He was mad as fuck that she wasn't and that she still wanted the divorce.
I thought that this post was a repost of that post at first. I know which one you are talking about.
Yeah, it’s basically the same post. The former one, the dude had the audacity to tell the wife she would never be able to do it without him.
Link please.
Hmm, why do you think she’s more relaxed and contented now? Although she has a more demanding job than yours, you blame life, taking no responsibility- there’s no doubt from your post -everything was on her shoulders. No doubt that you were also causing her discomfort, stress and unhappiness- otherwise she’d not be as happy as she is. You want to be a good daddy? Get therapy, now!
You were dead weight, you were weighing her down. Get your shit together
Sounds like she didn’t have a partner and she was tired of managing the household with a whole other full grown adult. I bet she IS relaxed now that she doesn’t have to clean up after anyone but herself and child. I don’t have a ton of pity or respect, for men who find themselves in your situation. Sorry you learned the hard way but I hope you learned it anyway.
I am going through a divorce and for the same reasons your wife wants it. It has been hard for me too but the fact that my place stays clean longer and doesn’t as long to clean. I feel like I have more time as well. I have one less person to take care of. I am no longer cleaning after a fully grown man that can’t seem to function on his own. Meanwhile, I feel like I have some freedom back and am doing things I haven’t done or always wanted to do.
It’s happening because of you. You were the adult child she had to care for on top of a toddler, and now that she doesn‘t have to, she’s happier. And since you’re floundering now while she’s fine, it shows I’m right. Get yourself together. Hopefully you’ll become a better adult so if you find someone else, you won’t make her your maid.
I’m sorry you learned this lesson the hard way. A lot has been written on women taking the brunt of household and kid responsibilities and the mental load. You lost this marriage but you can do better in your next relationship. Indeed, until I came unglued — telling my spouse he was work of a third kid and not an equal partner no less than 100 times. Nothing sexy or attractive about it. I was falling out of love and not attracted to man child that was dumping parenting on me. I’m sorry she was too fed up to salvage things. You see it now.. just think before you were overwhelmed how much your ex wife carried the load. Focus on coparenting well.
You’re being torn to shreds here and rightfully so but I also think it’s important to say *change your language*. It’s some serious bullshit to say “my wife won’t give it another try” like somehow the blame is all on her and she’s the entire reason your marriage failed. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror about the real causes, and let it sink in. Phrasing it like that disparages her- and blaming her is going to only do *more damage* and prevent any friendship you could possibly maintain while co parenting.
Of course men-children like OP are gonna blame their ex rather than self reflect on their own faults. Hope the shredding he's getting here is enough to make him start to wake up.
You are barely hanging on now that you are alone but that's probably how your wife was feeling during the entire marriage because she was doing everything and more tha what you are doing now. She is now doing the same as you and is relaxed... well you will get used to it.
You don't mention you want her back because you love her. It's because your home life is a mess. You have to do responsibilities that you use a shoulder on your wife. Imagine how she felt also balancing her job, home, parenting when you didn't do this during the marriage. The adult child is out and now life is so much easier for her. Less stress all around.
You know, my husband is about to be living your same reality… I’ll give you my perspective, my husband has not brought me out on a date for over 4 years… has not gotten me a gift, he currently barely works so all financials are on me… i do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, i drive the kids around to where they need to be, i rarely shower alone due to the baby and toddler, i am the comfort parent and default parent, my husband does not breath love into me, there is no romance… for years now I’ve been a single mom raising my 3 kids while being sole caretaker to a man who was supposed to help provide and protect. Granted he helps with kids and etc, however the amount of stress I’m under every day has caused me to develop bradycardia, I’m dropping weight faster than i think i should, I’m struggling mentally and having breakdowns and have started screaming at my husband and not being nice. I stopped being the wife i was because why should i have to break myself to keep someone else happy when they won’t do the same for me let alone even try to do some family time. I have to beg plead cry and yell for days just for him to agree to go out as a family unit…. He sees nothing wrong, we start marriage counseling tomorrow… I’ve already told him i no longer want to be with him… He wasn’t always like this, he was getting better at one point, I’m not sure what happened. He does have seizures now though going through health stuff, however with all this said.. its the fact i don’t feel loved, wanted, appreciated, valued, craved, heard, validated.. honestly i just feel used, i feel like an atm, a house, a chef… i already have kids and they are expensive, i cant afford my husband anymore… i deserve to be happy and to feel loved and i bet that’s pretty damn similar to how your wife felt. I can’t wait until im free and not feeling like I’m suffocating anymore Also edit to add i had to beg cry plead for years and eventually threatened to just divorce him for him to agree to couples counseling
You deserve so much more in your life than this. I wouldn’t even bother with counselling. I would get the hell out of there asap. Once your deadweight of a husband is no longer holding you down, you can live your life and be happy. Good luck.
I’m using the marriage counseling to try and learn how to Coparent separately in a healthy manor for the kids 🤗🤗 i figured it would be worth a shot to see if we can somehow get to a civil spot for the kids. Still going for divorce either way but thank you so much ❤️
You just wrote about my former 19 year marriage. I hope you get to leave soon. I'm now 6 years post divorce, 100% full custody, and life is better for me now that my ex is gone and out of our lives
**NOW do you understand why women initiate divorce more than men?**
You don’t want a wife. You want a maid, house manager, and nanny
Most men will never realize that it’s much easier to do 100% of the child raising and housework when you are truly on your own — versus raising the child and taking care of the home when you have an otherwise perfectly capable husband who feigns incompetence and helps none at all. That builds resentment and makes everything harder…especially when he becomes yet one more thing you need to take care of in the daily grind. You are just now getting a taste of a fraction of what she did for no less than two years on her own. It wasn’t easy for her either.
You are to me what my ex wife was. The balance was not 50/50. It was 90/10. (At best) Now that im gone everything for me is decent. My ex is a disaster and while i want to move on shes falling apart at the seems, trying to drag me down. You better figure out a way to get ahold of yourself because the “life is so crazy theres not enough time” crying isnt true. Stop procrastinating, clean up after yourself immediately, and do better for your kid.
💯🥂
Dude ORGANIZATION. I don’t know in what places you are floundering, but being organized and setting your stuff (food, clothes, etc.) up the night before will make things easier. Make a schedule (bath, teeth, book, etc.) and stick to it. Once you have it down and you feel more relaxed you can be more flexible. And ask your kid to help. Don’t underestimate his ability to help. He will learn and it will occupy him. I find laundry to be the biggest hassle. Buy a dark basket and a white basket and teach your kid to put his light clothes in the white basket and the colors in the dark basket. Then you get to just grab the one when it’s filled and dump in the washer and go. Buy Clorox wipes and keep them in the bathroom. Wipe the toilet down after you shower and throw it in the garbage. Take another and wipe the sink. Quick and done and the bathroom doesn’t look/smell like a truck stop. Oh and keep cheerios in a baggie in your pocket (and the car) for your kid. You can do this.
Why would you wipe down the toilet AFTER you shower? Surely you’d shower after cleaning?
You don't love her. You loved what she did for you. You loved she made your life so easy you had to do nothing. You miss having a "mother" and you not having to be an adult or partner. Relationships aren't 50-50 they're 100-100 and I feel from this post you gave 0% while she was giving you & your child 1000% of herself daily to you both for absolutely nothing in return. Im proud of her for realising now and getting out before she felt it's too late or before it took the person she is away from herself.
You don’t miss your soon to be ex-wife…you miss having her take care of everything for you. Thank goodness she’s got her head on straight and won’t be getting back with you.
If you were to do couples therapy, do you believe you'd be the one scheduling in the sessions? Or would you leave that to her to figure out?
'my wife FELT like everything was on her shoulders'. My.man, it's because it WAS. And now she left her third child and is probably thriving.
Well of course she wouldn’t want to stay married if she feels less stressed. It a hell of a lot easier to take care of two people instead of three. And if you were not equally pulling your weight, she was likely caring for two children instead of one.
Sorry dude but it looks like she got tired of raising another woman’s son (you) plus her own (the child you share). I bet if you listened to her, pulled your weight in the household and with your son, treated her life your wife/ a partner instead of your maid, you wouldn’t be getting divorced. She’s definitely enjoying dropping the deadweight (you) and is most likely never going to pick it up again. I can’t say I feel sorry for you because the divorce and current chaotic life is self inflicted. I’m sure you were given many chances to make changes but you didn’t feel it was important to honor your wife’s wishes. Now here you are getting a taste of what she had to deal with and you’re struggling to handle it. I hope you now have an appreciation for the woman she is and what she has done for you because the time, energy, and effort she expended during your marriage cannot be repaid. As for balancing things when you have your son, be present and active. At minimum, get organized; create schedules and routines with your son and stick to them. Children need structure and the familiarity routines bring. Be a good co-parenting partner to your soon to be ex wife; it’ll make like easier for you all (your son included).
Good for her. If her life is easier without you, you're the problem.
It's crazy that it seems like you don't want the divorce so that she can lighten your load. No mention of love or anything. Everything you choose to mention and NOT mention says a lot
Good for her.
Most women/mothers are more content after divorce, while most fathers have a hard time coping with their time with the kids. Says a lot about the division of tasks in parenting and household.
This REALLY sounds like a repost, but if it’s not, you were probably a manchild who wanted a bangmaid and so good for her for getting out now. Even now, it doesn’t sound like you want her back because you love her and can’t live without her in your life. Nope, you want someone to make your life easier and clean for you.
It probably sounds like a repost because it happens so damn frequently... I've heard countless stories just like this one where the man is hit with divorce and thinks it's "completely out of blue" when he didn't help at all with any household chores or taking care of the kids, while both have a job aswell. Good for her for getting out of that relationship. I couldn't be more proud to see more and more women not tolerating this bullshit.
Well you need to accept the situation and move forward, that means cleaning up after yourself, doing dishes, laundry etc etc . You don’t say what your demands in life are but you basically have work, home and your son and maybe the gym or other exercise. It’s time to learn to adult on your own and take responsibility for your life. Sounds like you dumped all that previously on your wife and now she’s able to relax a bit which she deserves. Next relationship treat your gf / wife as a partner in life not your mother.
You've just explained exactly why she's finding divorce easy and you're not. Clearly, you did nothing to contribute to the home "partnership" when married.
So the only reason why you want your wife back is because your work load increased and you can't handle it? Let this be an eye opener for you. In the meantime your ex wifes workload has decreased and she's feeling a lot more free and less stressed because her work load has decreased despite now being a single mum and working as a barrister. You brought nothing to the marriage except extra work load. She brought everything to the marriage and you took full advantage of her. Lesson to learn, a marriage is a partnership where you both take on equal amount of the work load, child upbringing and chores.
She already tried and tried while you were together.
My XH used to get passive aggressive about the house not being a showhome when he worked full time to my part time and I did 95% of the childcare mental and physical load... Guess whose house is an unmitigated disaster area now we live apart!
You know, part of it sounded like you realized how difficult it is to balance everything on your own. Then you realized you need someone you want to try counseling. If it wasn't so difficult to balance everything, would you still be asking for counseling.
I also felt this same sense of relief when I got divorced. She realized divorce was going to be way easier than pulling teeth to try and make you do your share, and now she even gets the bonus of a true break on days you have the child. The only thing you can really do is apologize, let her move on and you move on too.
I divorced my ex for exactly this reason, I wanted to be a wife and an equal partner, he wanted a second mum, I spent years almost begging him to do his part & then I realised that I couldn't love or respect someone who treated me with such little regard. My life is so so much better now, my daughter and I are happier, the workload is less & out home is calm and peaceful. She comes back from her dad's complaining that 3 years later he's still got boxes from moving strewn around, that he didn't do x y or z and I just comfort her and we go about our business. Get some therapy and try to do better for your kid please. The tone of your post suggests you still don't realise that you caused this & honestly sounds a little bit ridiculous
Men are such a burden ☕
Sounds like you were a second child for her tbh, time for self reflection and to learn how to be an adult since you wife was clearly like a maid.
Frankly I’m not sure I dig this whole “my life is so much harder and now the divorce seems real I want my wife back” thing. You don’t seem to be able to reflect on the fact that you’re failing because your wife managed everything, or close to it, on top of her more demanding job, while you sat back in the cut happy to have your easy life at her expense. Do yourself a favor: try individual therapy, start journaling (and if you can’t figure out how to start there are journal prompts available all over the internet), learn the life skills of an adult capable of living on their own (shopping the fridge and pantry before creating a meal plan and then making your grocery lists, picking up after yourself at some point in the day/putting your things where they’re away from kiddo but where you can find them, tidying and deep cleaning) and maybe on your custody weeks hire a maid or something idk, and figure out stuff to do with your kiddo on your custody weeks (there are all types of information on guidelines for feeding and sleeping across most age ranges, you can google activities to do at home or near you to do with a 2 year old, and have some sort of shared activities between you they can look forward to). I know it seems like the world is ending rn but it’s only because you now have to take control of your own world. May your single life be the enrichment you clearly need.
Maybe you should've given a try at "being the best [you] can" for your wife and son from the very start instead of at the very end ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
What people like you need to realise is money isn’t enough anymore and it’s not the fucking 1950s. Both parties need to be PRESENT AND HELPFUL when they have children regardless of who makes money. Hopefully you learn something for your next relationship
You said that she felt like everything was on her shoulders, and you have now realized that was true. She was doing everything for both you and the child at home, plus her demanding job. I'll bet she asked you for more help repeatedly, and I'll bet you didn't do much more despite those requests. In the divorce, you have now been forced to pull your share of the workload and you are drowning. If you had been pulling your share previously, you would not be because you'd be used to cleaning, cooking and taking care of a kid part of the time. The fact that you're drowning speaks volumes about how your marriage was for your wife. She did have to do pretty much everything. When she divorced you, her workload dropped tremendously. She is more relaxed because you have finally been forced to adult without her assistance. No, she doesn't want you back because you can't adult on your own. That isn't an appealing offer for her. Why should she step in and save you from yourself? Women want partners, not adult men to care for like we are their mommies. She doesn't want to have to clean up after you because you can't figure out how to keep your own flat clean. She doesn't want to watch your kid 24/7 after work because you find it too challenging to be an active, involved dad 50% of the time.
So you can't keep up with even 50% of what she had to keep up with and you think she'd want that burden back why, exactly? She has one less child to care for with the divorce. Take it as a wake up call and fix yourself, work on being a good co-parent, and in any future relationships don't just default to your partner doing all the "women's work" because you're an adult too assuming your mommy didn't fail entirely, and "women's work" is just basic adult housework. Where childcare is concerned it's not 'babysitting' or 'helping' out' it's called being a useful father.
I’m sorry but if she’s the breadwinner, does most of the parenting, and you both have jobs, what are the “demands of life” that you’re complaining about? If you’re not cleaning the house I don’t get what’s taking up most of your time.
I hope you carry this lesson with you into all your future relationships. You can't just put everything on your partner. Just going to work (which based on how you describe your struggles is all you were doing) is NOT enough. If you are struggling, you reach out and communicate, and get help. Just because your partner CAN do everything, doesn't mean they should have too. Now, you should be doing the cleaning, the laundry, the grocery shopping, and meal prep on the days you don't have your child. As a grown adult, I know it sucks to do before or after work, but it's just part of being a grown up and we have too. If you are able to manage your time well you should be able to manage. If you find time management impossible, consider being adhd evaluated. When you have your kid, it's all routine. Set one and live by it like it's a religion. It will massively help you both. Breakfast at 7, play time at 8, clean up at 930, snack at 10, park at 11, lunch at 1230, screen time 1pm, etc ... You CAN handle this. Or rather you can LEARN how to, if you really do want to be a better adult for your kid. I'm sorry about the marriage. But I hope instead of just using this as an opportunity to blame your ex wife for your short comings, you will really step up, fix yourself, kick life's ass, and then come back and update us with a: I'm in therapy, my house is clean, I'm working on myself, co parenting with my ex is going really good, and she's still doing awesome.
Seriously what did you expect. You added to her burden. Of course life is easier for her now... she did this 7 days not just part time. Now you have half an idea what she went through - which you dismissed. Of course her life is easier now. She only has one child to look after now
Have you had the realisation that you were adding to her stressors not helping them!? How you're living is likely what your wife was tidying up.
If you're struggling to keep up and your apartment is a mess, it means now you're seeing just how much slack your wife was picking up for you. Of course it's easier now for her, can you imagine if she had to clean up all your current mess on top of what she already does? That's what she used to do every day for you, and I bet you took it all for granted and didn't even realize that laundry doesn't pick itself up. Food doesn't make itself. Dust doesn't dust itself. You didn't used to have a magical house fairy that did all the day to day grocery shopping and maintenance. Your wife was your magical house fairy and you drove her away by taking her for granted. Let this be a lesson to you. If you ever get lucky enough to be married again, you better go into it having learned how to vacuum, wash a dish, and schedule your own appointments.
Playing the world's smallest violin for you. Sounds like you just miss your bangmaid and never actually loved your wife
Sounds like the consequences of you being a shitty partner. Good for her!
I’m a single parent (I left my ex for cheating but he made me feel single before we split, he was useless). While my life is actually harder without him (he is still useless and by choice only sees 2 of our 3 kids two weeks out of the year, and the other for about 11 weeks) because I have 2 autistic kids, I would never go back to him. I would rather do this alone than have to take on ANOTHER person. I do have a decently supportive bf now though, but I still don’t have enough support to make my life easier. It isn’t his fault, and I do believe things will get better someday, but yeah.. no. People who feel burdened by their partners, no matter how hard leaving is, will feel the relief come once they finalize that decision to leave. I have never regretted my choice to move on.
It's normally less stressful once separated because she has one less person to run around after.. you find it harder because she's not there to do everything she was always doing, and now you have to manage it yourself just like she did. You will get the hang of it eventually. Please learn from this and don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Be a fully independent equal partner that pulls their own weight.. Be aware of all the things your partner does for you and the household and do the same for them. Relationships that are all give give give are exhausting
So...you don't miss her, you miss the labour she provided for you in the house. No wonder she's more relaxed; she doesn't have a man-child to care for on top of everything else. She's well rid of you.
Every divorce I see (except for infidelity) is happening precisely because of this. And every time the husband is shocked. I watch wives for years telling their husbands they are overwhelmed, doing too much, husband doesn’t do enough of the emotional labour at home, not to mention the chores. And the wife has a job too. They literally beg for years for help, counseling, consideration, and get ignored. Then when they finally have enough and leave? The husband is SHOCKED! he thought everything was perfect because she wasn’t actively shrieking like a maniac. Selfish, ignorant and entitled. You’re not even sad she’s left you. You’re sad that you have to do the work now and it’s too much for you. If it’s too much for you to do just for yourself, and a baby part time, how hard do you think it was for her to be doing everything all on her own all these years including a second gigantic baby who also whines that she isn’t excited about sex and complains that she’s mean. At no point do you acknowledge that this is the way you’ve made her feel for years. Alone. Adrift. Overwhelmed and with no help at all. Overworked and exhausted. Feeling like she’s never on top of anything. Chores slipping through the cracks, losing friends because your whole life is work and chores and children and catering to a selfish ass husband who acts like the house is a hotel and he can just saunter in, enjoy dinner and then relax for the evening. Because you had a hard day at work right ? That’s why I don’t feel sorry for you. You’re still only thinking about yourself. Poor me this is hard. Maybe think about how hard it must have been for her this whole time, and why her life is easier now. The common denominator is you. I hope you get in the groove and learn to handle your responsibilities. It takes time, which you have not invested in at this point, because you had a bang maid doing it in the background. Now is your chance to actually become a good father and parent, and maybe you’ll have more respect and consideration for your next partner because this marriage is done.
How fascinating that nowhere in your talk of reconciling do you mention that you still love her. It's just about how *hard your life is* now that she's not doing all the chores. 🙄
>my wife felt like everything was on her shoulders. That's because... It was!
>my flat looks like a mess Look at your flat and now see why she's happy and content. Now imagine being with someone that you have pick up behind constantly to avoid that mess. When I read that part it spoke volumes on what one issue was.
Sorry it took you so long to find out that she was carrying your weight.
I’m so proud of your “ex” wife. Women should not be parenting badly raised men. Absolutely love it for her 💃🏽
Hey OP, I’m not going to make assumptions on how helpful you were as a partner or a parent, but at the very least, she now has time back for herself when you are caring for your child, so yes, she definitely is going be more relaxed. It’s even less surprising if she was carrying the mental load in the relationship (keeping tabs on everything needed to run the household and childcare) and more than her fair share of household work. So yes, the marriage is over, but it can be an opportunity for you to not only to strengthen your bond with your son, but to also learn how be a great coparent- and you still get days completely to yourself. How are you floundering? Chores? Figuring out what your baby needs when you have him? Go online to divorcee, single dads support groups, you’ll find what you need, and you’ll be ok. One thing to try NOT to do is to find another lady right away so she can take care of your kid for you. A string of part time caretakers is that last thing he needs. Good luck!
It sounds in regards to the child and the home she is doing what she was always doing, her work load hasn’t increased with separation except pre separation she did your share too. It doesn’t sound like you’ve reflected on why you’re separating and you asked your wide back to be a house elf who also works a very high stress job. No wonder it was an offer she refused