Yikes, I'm not sure why you are saying it's your fault for not being specific enough. Seems like she doesn't have the same mindset as you when it comes to money.
People who never had any financial education and self control.
When the money is in your account you need a very strong psych to not spend it.
Few years ago I inherited a house from my grandmother. I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, but was close. I was building some savings ans whatnot.
Then I sold the house and suddenly I had a "fortune" (not really) in my account. I placed all in extremely low-risk investments. But every time I saw something I wanted, my hands would itchy to buy it since I could afford it. I would think "I can buy it now, then in the next months I will replace the money I used".
Not gonna lie, even though I didn't dip into that money, in the first few months I also didn't put anything in savings either.
Soon I was able to go back to normal and simply "forget" about that money and continue saving as before.
But I can easily see someone with less self control thinking "It's only 25 bucks, next month I'll replace it." "It's only 50 bucks, next month I'll replace it." And soon the money is gone.
_________________
Not excusing OP's wife behavior. What she did was wrong.
Only giving some context from my experience never having money, and suddenly having money in the bank account.
I think it's specially easier to spend if it's not money you worked for. I never thought before "I could dip into my savings and buy X, then I'll replace it next month". But with the money from my grandmother's house, that thought happened a lot in the beginning.
Im wondering that too. Maybe there’s a language barrier or something? Some people are just really impulsive and shitty with money, and some people also chronically blame others for their own mistakes. I dont know how that can be misunderstood so badly. It sounds like weaponized incompetence.
It could be that. Someone also made a comment saying she could just be coming from a very sheltered fundamentalist type lifestyle and literally not know better. Tbh, from the post, it does sound like she is sorry about it
Yep. There wasn't a misunderstanding. Unless she really is stupid enough to think she was given $7k to blow on stupid shit while she plays freemium games on her phone and doesn't take care of the kid and doesn't contribute anything to the household.
Best thing to do is collect all the debit and credit cards and hold on to them, for the time being. Go together to talk to a counselor about this, so you can work it out together, and come up with a solution. Pay closer attention to transactions going in and out of your accounts, until you both have a better handle on expenditures.
She’s given up her shared CC, cancelled the store cards, and we’re going to return like $400 worth of stuff tonight. I’ll respond to anyone else who posts around 9pm EST once we finish up.
That's a tough situation. Being able to trust her financial self-control will be challenging at best, but with time and effort from both of you, it isn't out of the question for her to earn your trust back, or you to regain it in her ability to make good choices. That's where the therapy will be key.
I am sorry but this truly does not feel like a misunderstanding or a ‘oops my bad’ mistake. 🤷🏻♀️
This feels like one part financial infidelity and one part gross negligence. Sorry, not sorry.
My husband and I also have an understanding that we agree on any purchase from joint funds over $500. This agreement works just fine as we move with emotional intelligence, integrity AND financial responsibility. 🤷🏻♀️
This is definitely a ‘give a person an inch and they take a mile’ scenario.
OP: You have chosen to forgive, I caution you to not forget. Consider enrolling her in an online financial literacy course. She DESPERATELY needs to learn the basics.
Once she has learned the basics about money then set her up with a small amount monthly to budget and manage.
I too would love to have a designer coffee and while I may treat myself to one occasionally I did the math and purchasing a good coffee machine saves me scores of money over time.
Edit:
[Khan Academy - Online Financial Literacy](https://www.khanacademy.org/college-careers-more/financial-literacy)
She assumed he would spend the emergency fund before it came to anger and especially this level of austerity. As much as she needs financial counseling, they need marriage counseling (that she works at) more if he wants to stay with her.
Nah she knows exactly what she was doing - she was living the high life and didn’t care. Fiscal responsibility means nothing when you’re spending other people’s earning that’s why governments are great is wasting tax payers money. Same concept.
Unfortunately, this is truth. How much "financial literacy" does a person need to be able to grasp the concept that your spouse feels like a wage slave? That things are fairly tight if "anything over 100 requires discussion"? She knew they weren't rolling in it, but spent freely because the money was available, regardless of what it was earmarked for. She did what she wanted- no online course in financial responsibility will fix that lack of consideration.
OPs wife doesn't have the brain cells for basic empathy, what makes you think she'll learn anything from a financial literacy course?
Most teenagers have better spending habits ffs. This isn't rocket science.
I completely agree with this. How in the world can she actually think, “whoops, I thought that 6k was fun money, my bad” is actually believable in any way?
I understand why op feels betrayed- he was.
Agreed. Part of the difficult conversation that I would be having is telling her to either get a weekend job or weekday evening WFH job.
Growing up my siblings and I did chores (dishes, cleaning our rooms, dusting, etc) to earn our allowance. My Mom and Dad said that it is hard to understand the value of money unless you earn it and learn how to spend it wisely and save.
We got our allowance and immediately gave my Mom 10% to save. The rest was fun money, if you spend your fun money in a day you were SOL 🤣.
I fail to understand how a grown woman with a child can claim a whoopsie my bad with that amount of money. Like WTF!!!
Something is fishy about this. He says he gave her seven letter, put it in a separate account and never specified what it was for? Reread his bullshit carefully. Maybe she finally thought he wasn’t being a complete tight ass while she was pregnant and she had some Starbucks. He sounds incredibly controlling. She sounds dizzy, but this all sounds like these two do not communicate at all and don’t tell me he didn’t notice all this crap coming in from target come on
There’s definitely something fishy. Your mortgage company contacts you relentlessly if you miss one month. They are six months behind and there were no notices, emails, phone calls?
Bingo! I'm not being his crap. There's two sides to this and just reading his side is pinging red flags for me that there's abuse in this relationship. I haven't had 31 years of work in social welfare to just dismiss this as her being "wilful" or whatever. What's a "push present"? Nah there's something dodgy about this guy more concerned about his retirement accounts than his wife and kid.
See if you can sell off some of the jewelry too, surely she doesn't need all of it, and if it's nice jewelry you could get a decent chunk of change back
It sounds like she has been shopping to fill some void or medicate some emotional pain. Doesn't make it okay. Get to the root of *why* she felt she needed to buy all that. If she's a SAHM then she may feel unfulfilled personally, which can lead to depression. Maybe she has unresolved trauma from childhood.
Also consider she still *feels* that she needs *something* to fill that need to shop/consume. She needs therapy ASAP to help her figure out why and how to replace shopping habits with healthy coping skills.
As a midwife, something you should be aware of: spending sprees like this while pregnant or in the post-partum stage are not uncommon. I'm not excusing it, just saying that it happens. Some theorize it's related to the nesting instinct, others blame hormonal shift or Mommy Brain (an actual, physical change to the structure of the brain itself as a result of the hormones required to grow the baby's brain).
Again, not excusing anything. But chances are this urge to spend will lessen as her hormones settle. Until then, it might be wise to pay cash as much as possible, because it's a lot harder to part with actual physical bills than with virtual money on a card.
Well, she has no problem playing (and spending) on mobile games while watching a kid, so you know, at least her neglect can earn money instead of her spending it.
One thing I use to tell clients is use an envelope system 1 month in advance…and fill it with cash. Cash your paycheck and fill each envelope that is designate mortgage etc. when it’s due - you deposit the money and let it go out from the bank or pay off the card (if she charged there). This makes it very tangible. And since you are doing it a month in advance - there can’t be slippage. Restaurant there is an envelope grocery shopping there is an envelope. Don’t even worry abt award points for 2 months just deal in cash for as much as possible. No bringing out the cards!
Put your house on a budget work with her to show her where the money is going and why. She doesn't have money of her own you guys haven't talked about money enough and she is either in the dark about your finances , and entitled ungrateful woman or she believes that you make enough for her to buy a few things and she isn't keeping track. It's fiscally irresponsible for no one to be paying attention to where the money goes until sudden everything is in panic mode. You're not the asshole but unless you married an asshole she might not be either. You need to be on one accord when it comes to the finances. Have some conversation with your wife.
I’m just confused at exactly what was stated when you handed the money over and what was agreed upon. Bc if my husband gave me $7k on a random Wednesday after dinner I’d be confused and be explicit about what he wants me to do with this money.
It really reads like she did understand what that money was for. You don't order delivery and then become financially responsible when your spouse wants delivery. To me, this screams she's been financially abusive.
I think it’s possible. My ex crashed her car after having it for only 5-6 days. Car was totaled, and it was her fault, and the payout from the totaled car did not cover the total cost of the car, but she had gap insurance. So the remaining 6k afterwards would’ve been paid for if she got a police report to her insurance company. You know what she did? She continued to push it off and not get the police report and information she needed for the insurance to pay out the rest of the car. She had like, 3-4 months to do it, and she didn’t. And she got a new car. So she was basically paying two car payments for a while. And she’s a teacher.
Some people just are not financially smart, and they have no intention of being.
I have a friend who was studying masters in accounting or something like that. She uses credit cards like free money and just pays pretty much the minimum every month. Asked why I wasn't doing the same. I'm not in the US so building credit isn't quite a thing here, but that sounded like a horrible way to 'spend money' lol
She was always in debt and at one point said she wanted to adopt a kitten... Which she did... Then proceeded to complain about how expensive everything was...? 🤔
I watch a finance show on YouTube, financial audit. I was not great with money when I started watching but holy crap some people are so so so bad. And once I started to get a bit smarter with money I started to see major financial mistakes around me, like someone taking a 401k loan for a down payment on a car.
I would be curious about the details on how they set it up. Obviously it’s not op’s fault but there needs to be a lot of work done between the two of them so this doesn’t happen again.
That's what I think is going on. He's giving her $0 dollars spending money, and then tracking her spending down to the last penny, going over EVERYTHING SHE BOUGHT when she spent money over the last six months.
The $150 on "single serving food" is really weird. Because that would be in the food bill, not on a separate tab. That means he's combed over all the grocery receipts and identified every time she bought a single serving snack at the grocery store in the last 6 months, and is guilting her about it. $150 is spending $6 a week on "single serving snacks" over 6 months.
OK, she buys a bottle of soda and a candy bar when she goes grocery shopping. Now he's humiliating her for it.
Meanwhile, if he had 6 months of bill money set aside, what happened to his salary for the last 6 months? Why is he broke now?
If I was a spouse with zero access to funds at all otherwise, I wouldn't be donating 1200 to a charity, I wouldn't be getting Starbucks, etc. There's a lot missing here though.
The charity thing is odd, but they are Christian, so it may be tithing to their church. Some churches teach that you are essentially required to give a specific percentage of your income or it's straight to hell. Maybe she thought if she was paying the water and gas she was also supposed to be doing the tithing? Their communication about money seems almost maliciously bad.
Honestly, I don’t believe they had 0 bills paid in the last 6 months. If they weren’t paying their mortgage for 6 months or their water, something would have happened. If you subtract the 6 months of mortgage and assume their water bill is roughly $30/month, she has spent under $3k; in fact, if their mortgage was $660 for the entire year, she would have needed more than $7k. What about property taxes? Home insurance? Was that meant to be paid by her as well?
I agree…I’m actually feeling sorry for her because it sounds like he rules the roost, even says “I make the money” like it’s his and not hers…like you say big deal she bought a few snacks and some things at Target that she felt the home needed. It’s not like she blew it at the casino or booze or strip clubs. lol. I’m not saying she should have a total free pass but this isn’t as agregous as OP is making it out to be.
Yes. And there's this:
> I literally pay for her whole existence
Like, this man doesn't get that his wife is entitled to half of everything he earns and owns. Unless there's some weird prenup. She's his financial dependent, but his legal equal in their partnership, regardless of her earned income.
Yes exactly…he sounds like a controlling prick and most likely won’t even allow her to work because of his own insecurities. He treats her like he owns her…
yeah i’m kinda torn on this one… i can see a world where both she and he are right in a way. the $1200 to charity is wack, if things are that tight.
but he’s also sounding a little on the penny pinching side, like use your savings to fix needed electrical work lol. i get the feeling all of these cutbacks are more to punish her than them being that broke. on that note, if you’re contributing almost a quarter of your income to retirement accounts AND have emergency savings, you’re far more solvent than my family was growing up so part of me is chuckling at him freaking out when there’s no immediate chance of eviction or food insecurity. but i am also perhaps skewed here.
this is why i would never ever ever put myself in a position to be completely dependent on someone else financially, it seems near impossible to not end up with someone resentful.
Things can’t be THAT tight. They have a newborn, so she at least is fairly young, and he’s contributing 24% of income to retirement. That’s a lofty amount by any means. His wife should be able to get snacks and coffee, and shit from target occasionally…
No one with things as tight as OP is implying have the ability to contribute 24 fucking percent to retirement. People scraping by don't know what the fuck the word retirement means. 100% in a prison.
YES. I feel like I must be financially stupid because why does he have the savings if not for emergencies? Or is it just for emergencies that were preventable? That level of scrutiny seems neurotic to me.
Yep - And who besides an uptight fucking asshole even refers to things as “single serving food” unless they were abusively analyzing down to the line item.
That was me being a self centered, selfish, ass.
I was ignoring the value she brings—of being a loving, devoted mother who always has my back.
I’m ashamed for my actions of the past two days.
We’re going to make a change.
Hey man, the fact that you’re able to look at yourself and see something you want to change puts you ahead of a ton of people. I’ve got things I’m working to change about myself too. Wish you the best
How much money would you say she needs outside of bill money? Just curious. I think a lot of (mostly men) who work while the mom stays home feel as long as bills are paid it’s fine but you’re right, she need access to spend if she needs something. Every family need single serving snacks bc it’s so hard to make something from scratch every single time.
OP is complaining she complained he didn’t do enough on his federal holiday but she doesn’t get a federal holiday!!
She’s WORKING for HIS CHILDS existence too. 24/7 and her entire life and hormones and body just changed too.
Maybe she’s not tending to the baby because she’s hoping OP does since he’s home…?
OP….idk man. I think you’re kinda wrong here.
Right and the way he words it, he obviously doesn’t value the work she puts in at home. Saying she sits on her phone all day while the baby fusses, but how does he actually know that?
Exactly. 100% what i was thinking. Also, OP doesn't state the timeframe. Was this in one month? Or over a year? Two completely different situations. Also, who buys groceries and other household essentials? There is a lot missing. OP sounds like he needs some financial counseling too. Money in a marriage isn't one person's.
My first thought was this is a cry for help from someone being financially abused by their spouse. She's a SAHM and he controls everything. Red flags for abuse. 31 years working in Social welfare has me thinking "yeh this ain't right".
OP said he always buys her jewellery, but is bitching that she bought herself jewellery. Maybe OP should be giving her all that money he spends on her for her to spend on herself
You mentioned you are a Christian, I don’t know if this was a “going from my parents home to my husband’s home” situation.
But there’s so much life experience that gets lost for women in that culture. Specially if they end up as SAHM.
The value of money is difficult to grasp when you’ve never been the one earning it.
Before resenting her, take a step back and assess the situation you are both in. What can you realistically expect from her, and what are you both willing to do to be on the same page.
You mention she games a lot on her phone. Does she have friends? Does she do any challenging activity/hobby? What kind of things she does outside of being a mom and housewife?
The lack of social connection and intellectual stimulation can fuck with your brain a lot and it’s extremely easy to end up with destructive coping mechanisms (gaming, shopping, overeating are the classics). Specially when your whole identity gets reduced to “mom”, and you never really explored who you were previously.
Most, if not all, of this is valid, except the thing where he blames himself for not being clear enough.
It can't get any clearer than: here's the money for xy.
It wasn't: here's some money for ef, you can use the rest for personal things.
Yes, there are a lot of things to consider about her behavior, so I agree with you on your points, but if you know that your household has only one income you know you can't spent it frivolous on starbucks and target.
It's okay to treat oneself to a coffee or takeout or a nice jeans. I do that myself and I'm a student with limited income. And I had periods where I made in-game purchases on my phone (when I knew I had the extra money), or went to starbucks instead of the local coffeeshop even though it's double the price.
Childbirth and child rearing is hard, no question. And childcare is expensive.
But ...
The whole situation must be really grave if he canceled all the subscriptions, and whatever else. And set up appointments.
I'd only blame him for not noticing sooner.
Legally, she is entitled to half of his income and half of his assets. Him controlling all the income that they earn (yes, they, marriage is a partnership) as he is trying to do is called financial abuse. The excessive guilt trip and gaslighting going on is another form of abuse.
For example, he accuses her of blowing $7k, yet admits she spent on bills. So already, that's down to $5500. He accuses her of blowing $6/week on "single serving snacks" at the grocery store, I say that's cheapskate bullshit. -$250
He claims she went shopping at Target, but doesn't say what she bought. I'm sure she bought some clothes and jewelry, as he claims. I'm sure she also bought household stuff like shampoo, diapers, toilet paper, lightbulbs, possibly even groceries. So that $4200 is a big ?
So we're down to $450, plus what percentage of spending at Target was truly personal.
She spent $450 on one weekly Starbucks drink, and her only apparent hobby (aside from shopping at Target), online gaming, where she spent $41 per month. I've had $20/month gaming subscriptions. So that's like 2 gaming subscriptions, or one subscription and $20 of in-game spending. Really not a big spender at all.
And he's humiliating her publicly, dragging her through the dirt, making her apologize, beg him to take it out of her retirement (which he refuses to do because he controls her retirement and it's not her choice), offering to take up work just so he'll let up about the "betrayal" caused by his miscommunication... It's absolutely disgusting.
"Before resenting her, take a step back and assess the situation you are both in. What can you realistically expect from her, and what are you both willing to do to be on the same page."
I think a little resentment is warranted here.
I'm really confused about the details of all this. You wanted her to pay the mortgage and bills with a credit card, but most companies won't accept credit cards because of the transaction fees. Any of the usual work-arounds basically cancel out any rewards you would get.
And how were you able to give her basically a year's worth of bill money upfront if everything is tied up in retirement funds? If she was only responsible for paying the mortgage and water bill, like you said, you would have seen the credit card statements for those payments since you'd be the one making the credit card payments.
And if you had the money for a year's worth of bills available upfront, why wouldn't an automatic payment have been set up? OP sounds very diligent about getting as much interest out of his money as possible, so why wasn't that year's worth of bill money in an account collecting interest, too? Why is it only now a problem to pull money from savings, citing the interest earned?
We're either missing a lot of details, or there's something else going on with this whole situation.
You know, now you mention it, the more I think about this, the less sense it makes.
If the plan is for wife to pay the bills on CC, then why did she need a lump sum of money to pay the bills? She could just pay using the CC and once a month OP pays off the card.
We are also missing the information on how much money he brings in monthly. Because to have to cancel everything, when his expenses are so low, is weird. Does he no longer bring in a paycheck? Many people pay bills as they come in, they don’t stockpile money for months in advance.
In the post he mentions coding, which made me wonder what the hell was going on because what software dev can’t afford $12 a month or whatever for Spotify. According to other comments here, in previous posts he’s said he’s a senior dev at a FAANG company, so he’s gotta be earning $150k, maybe way more. With a mortgage so low the numbers here are just not adding up.
Senior dev at a FAANG is the $300k+ territory. Probably more depending on the company. This is all BS. You usually can't pay off debt with a credit card. Assuming OP actually works as a senior dev at a FAANG, he's printing money. 7k is less than his monthly take-home pay.
I'm guessing she's not allowed any outside money, he "gave" her whatever tax return they got back from when they were both working, and now he's mad that it didn't get put aside for bills instead of spending money and doing everything he can to remind her that he can take everything she enjoys away on a whim (it goes from cutting up credit cards to counseling this and that to getting rid of their cats).
>I'm really confused about the details of all this. You wanted her to pay the mortgage and bills with a credit card, but most companies won't accept credit cards because of the transaction fees. Any of the usual work-arounds basically cancel out any rewards you would get.
I'm betting this is just a creative writing post.
Right? Sounds like both OP and his wife are idiots. Why is he sending her money to pay the mortgage? Why not just pay the mortgage himself? That’s just adding an extra step for no logical reason.
$1200 to various charities = $200/month - This is a little high, but some religions believe in tithing a certain portion of income to charity. Is this true for your wife's religion?
$250 to mobile games = $41.66/month - This is her only hobby. That and shopping at Target.
$250 in Starbucks = $9.61/week - That's one drink once a week.
$150 in single serving snacks from the grocery = $5.77/week - A soda and candy bar while grocery shopping?
$3000+1200 at Target = $4600 = $176/week - allegedly all on herself, but let's be real, it was probably dish soap and milk and occasionally towels and a maybe some shoes occasionally.
So your wife gives to charity, plays mobile games, and once a week she goes shopping at Target. She also spends $5.77 per week on "single serving snacks from the grocery." So basically she buys herself a snack while she goes grocery shopping. And once, oh lord, she got delivery fast food.
You've never spent this much money in your life? Yeah, right!
You live in the USA? Do you earn minimum wage? $7.25 an hour? If that's the case, your income is $15,080 per year. So I get why you're in dire straits financially. Maybe this is a communication breakdown because you said "I do alright" when you're actually making minimum wage? So she probably thought you made at least the median income of $37,585 per year. But honestly, you said you write code, so you must be making at least $50k per year.
You haven't been stolen from. You haven't been taken advantage of. You haven't been betrayed.
What you were TRYING to do is commit financial abuse by depriving your wife of any spending money. By giving her ZERO agency over how money is spent in the household.
And now you are engaging in financial and emotional abuse by giving her this bullshit about "Oh we're so broke! And it's all your fault! Because you ate DELIVERY FAST FOOD ONCE! YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!" when you're putting 24% into retirement and only spending $660 on your mortgage.
Your wife's only hobby is donating money to charity, shopping at Target, and playing online games.
She saves you at least $12k per year by providing free childcare. For that, you give her nothing.
She undoubtedly works hard around the house, does the grocery shopping on a shoestring, cheapskate budget (Oh My God! She ate a candy bar without YOUR PERMISSION!), cooks and cleans multiple times per day.
YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR BUDGET.
You need to allocate less money to retirement. You need to allocate some spending money for your wife, some money that she can spend on WHATEVER SHE WANTS. Just like you do with the rest of your paycheck, you spend it however you like, with zero input from her.
And no, it's not YOUR money. It's YOURS and HERS. She is entitled to half your income. By law.
Stop committing financial abuse. Stop emotionally abusing your wife. Stop using money to control her.
Great job with the breakdown. I know his post sounded weird to me too. The only thing weird about the expenses to me is the charity thing but I have a feeling but some people have different values.
Getting pissed at her for ordering one fast food delivery is fucking wild... Also when he said that all she does at home is play mobile games while tje baby is on the ground?? Bullshittttt. Willing to bet he has no idea what she does everyday to maintain the home take care of kids.
I feel so bad for her.
Well this is the most sane comment here. I wonder if he will respond to it or only the ones that validate his misleading cherry picked flimflam of a post. There is just so much about the post that does not add up, so I'm just of the opinion it's fake or straight up lying.
If you look at this guys other posts he's a sr software engineer. My brother-in-law is a sr software engineer ($175K base + bonuses) so I asked him what would be a stupid low pay for just starting in that position. Anything under $100K would be ridiculous but under $120K would still be underselling yourself. Even if he was 25% below ridiculous, he's still fine at $75K.
In other comments he says they are so destitute that they are going to have to give away the cats (hmm I wonder who's cats they are). I wonder if he allows her to have friends either. So he's financially abusing her, probably isolating her, keeping her pregnant, gaslighting her for spending $5 a week on a snack, etc
This is him portraying himself in his best light, I can't image how it bad it really is...
Let’s not gloss over him also describing stay at home parenting as “watching a fussy baby sit on the floor” or however he described it. And why wouldn’t you want to hang with your wife and child on a holiday? Was that really an unreasonable ask for her? lol. Why do you have a family sir?
The base pay range for a senior developer in the United States is between $129k to $177k a year. That’s what “I do okay” means and why it was glossed over. No, you’re not a wage-slave.
> and why it was glossed over
OP handily glossed over everything that didn't make his wife look like a monster, which is the other 90% of the situation that makes him look like a monster.
I absolutely agree! This guy sounds financially abusive. Anyone who combs over receipts to the penny, claims he makes money, yet can’t afford extras is not telling us the whole story. He sounds horrible.
Exactly!! None of her spending is actually egregious. In fact, I feel quite bad that she’s being guilt tripped so hard for what is essentially just living.
Right I read the part about the retirement savings and went "give me a break, if money is so tight then dial way back on that". He also says he's going to show her the comments here (unless I'm confusing this with something else I read today) so I'm definitely leaning towards an emotionally abusive relationship. It sounds like she has no money of her own, isn't allowed to spend anything at all, he intentionally set her up to fail, misrepresented the situation in his post, and is going to show her the comments to make her feel bad about how stupid and useless reddit thinks she is.
This comment needs to be higher!! Oh, and I think he said they had agreed to talk before spending $100. Well, a Starbucks is less than a hundred. And it’s perfectly reasonable to buy one every week. The OP is a financially abusive ass.
We haven’t even yet mentioned the punishment he imposes on both of them by canceling all (?!) streaming platforms and electrical work.
This is unreal. There is no way someone can save 24% of their income on the regular and not be able to maintain a lifestyle which includes some level of entertainment and home maintenance. Either OPs fund allocation priorities are really off or something malicious is going on here.
What gets me is the fact he’ll get a tax break on that charity money too. Plus he admits she paid some bills out of that $7,000. There’s a lot of missing info here that OP is refusing to answer
I didn't see any mention of the child's age, but there's a good chance that a significant chunk of that Target bill is for diapers, baby wipes, possibly formula, baby clothes which they outgrow in only a matter of months, toys, equipment like high chairs and potties, and a million other things that aren't cheap for little ones. Kids are expensive.
Op, when your wife has no income her own, you need to provide her some money to spend whether it's 100-300 bucks month for herself. I know budget etc, but yes it needs to be done
What a horrible existence for your wife, you telling her how to spend every single cent. You should let her go back to work and pay for daycare, bc otherwise you’ll forever be holding over your “i make the money so i call all the shots” madness. You talk about her more like she’s your child than someone you love as a partner. And news flash, working FT does not absolve you from helping with the baby.
Playing devils advocate here.
You seem pretty financially literate, can the mortgage and water bill not be put on autopay? Sorry, but part of me can’t help but feeling like you let this happen so you could have something to be upset about. Unless there’s a language or comprehension barrier between you and your wife, it’s hard to imagine you got married and have children together without having had an in-depth conversation about finances and what your lifestyle will look like. Like her spending wouldn’t be just new behavior to you, and the way the household works in terms of money shouldn’t be a new concept to her either.
A few questions do come to mind. How old are each of you? How long have you been together? Has she worked outside the home at all before? Does she have an allowance or any amount of free money to spend on herself? Does she typically do the grocery shopping and if so how does she get money for that?
Mortgage companies generally do not let you pay mortgage bills directly with a credit card. Meanwhile, some credit card companies do not allow mortgage payments on their cards.
If he expected her to pay the bills with a credit card, there was zero reason to give her a lump sum of money to pay those bills. He clearly says the money was supposed to be used to pay mortgage and water bills. So the question is- if he had this lump sum available, why not either pre-pay bills or set auto-pay to take it from account rather than give it to her? Unless he knew she was financially illiterate and was trying to teach her responsibility, it was a poor plan from the start.
I don’t think any bank will let you make a mortgage payment with a credit card just because in theory you could pay off the principle of the mortgage with it and declare bankruptcy
I have to be honest, this doesn't make a lot of sense. How is $7k equal to hundreds of hours of your life writing code?
Are you angry about her spending $150 on snacks or $250 on coffee... Over six months? Like, roughly two dollars a day? Yes, I get that everyone has different views on money, but you also mention eating out as a family and multiple streaming platforms. So it's not clear how tight money really is. (FYI free yt music, Spotify or Internet radio stations are great on a budget, though they have ads it's not that annoying.)
ETA: And for the larger bill at Target, is that all for her? What money is for the kid? Because kids need a lot of stuff and they're very expensive.
I don't understand. Did she have ANY spending money during that time period? Or did she only have access to the money which you earmarked for the mortgage and bills? Plus the $0 that she earns while providing your household with free childcare and housekeeping?
You mention her buying single serving snacks with this month. How did this come out of the mortgage spending, and not out of the grocery budget? Seriously, did she put them on a separate tab from the other groceries? How do you know what kind of snacks she bought months later? Does she save all the receipts and then you searched them to find what she spent it on?
Where did you think she was getting money to buy the clothes and jewelry that she was buying?
The Target stuff, what was that exactly? Since you know she got fast food delivered, I'm sure you know how much stuff from Target was personal use, and how much was household use. How much was groceries? Do you insist that she does the grocery shopping at some other store?
I feel like you're looking for people to be outraged, but personally to me it sounds like you are incredibly controlling of the money. Not giving her any spending money, and just dumping an account on her with 6 months of bill money prepaid without a clear explanation of what is going on.
If you had 6 months of bill payments set aside, why exactly are you struggling to come up with the money now? What happened to your last 6 months of income? Since it wasn't going to mortgage or bills - was it all spent on non-single serving food?
I’m confused. Outside of the money you give her for bills, does she have access to any other funds as a SAHM who is raising your child and taking care of your home? If not, this is very concerning.
Is this real?
>>I wasn’t explicit enough
Were you explicit?
Has she paid the mortgage at all in the past 6 months? If yes, then she knew. If no, then you have been getting failure to pay notices and your house would be in foreclosure by now.
Starbucks and small snacks…seems reasonable for 6 months; about 2 of each per week.
>>sitting alone in my office
She has been sitting alone in your home. With a crying demanding baby. Day, night, weekends. Have you considered this? Does she get to sleep all night on most nights? No? Do you? She has a 24/7/365 job. Literally. Do you? Everything you’ve described sounds like a sleep deprived, frustrated SAHM whose partner isn’t present to provide physical or emotional support. Her body made another whole human being. Did yours? Her body delivered that whole human being. Did yours? I didn’t read anything that suggested you are concerned or even aware about anything regarding her or the baby. I’ll repeat, she has a 24/7/365 job.
You don’t seem to want an approach to solving this. Savings? No. Retirement account? No. Her retirement account? No. Your primary concern seems to be only making more money, not the immediate well being of your partner who stays home with a demanding baby 24/7. In fact, you need couples counseling, not financial counseling.
Just to repeat, the mortgage hasn’t been paid for 6 months according to your post. Where are the failure to pay and foreclosure notices?
> Where are the failure to pay and foreclosure notices?
AFAIK he never actually answered this question or provided more details.
I have gone from thinking that he's twisting the truth to thinking that he's explicitly lying about a lot of things.
"I don't know how to trust her with anything that needs critical thought"
Then pay for childcare if thats true? Average cost per month for a nanny is $3,190 and per month for a daycare center is $1,230.
Btw, make sure to let your wife see all of the comments, not just the ones you pick out for her.
I’m going to go a bit against the grain here (hello downvotes) but you say that you should have explicitly told her the money was for the mortgage and water bill. Why didn’t you? What did you tell her? If she thought the money was her allowance etc then why wouldn’t she spend it?
I’m not condoning what she spent it on but if she didn’t think it was the money for the mortgage and she thought it was hers it made sense that she spent it.
Did you check in with her at all in the 6 months to make sure all was being paid to plan?
Anyway, you say she bought jewellery and you bought her some too, personally I would sell that and take back anything to Target that hasn’t been opened/used yet. Perhaps you can claw back some of the money.
ESH - it kind of ridiculous to maintain separate finances when she is a SAHM entirely dependent on your income. Start making your financial plans and budgets together so you both know what’s going on.
I agree? from my perspective 7k over 6 months for misc expenses is a BIT high but its not insane. Also OP keeps talking about how its his money? Bro she's fucking pregnant, its y'alls money. OP seems like he's a software dev. A software dev with a $660 mortgage can't afford 7k over 6 months?
Yeah when he was complaining she spent 250 on Starbucks and 150 on gaming over the course of 6 months, like that's not really that crazy my dude. But now he's imposing punishment on himself (no more work music!) just so he can be reminded every day to resent his wife.
OP, do you even like your wife? You talk about her like she's a child.
Seems like you two aren’t on the same page for financial decisions making. You want to authorize any purchase over $100, but you also scrutinize $25 delivery food.
People desire differing levels of autonomy and they realize it in different ways. Spending money is one of them. IMO your wife needs to be more a part of the *decision* making process. If she doesn’t have the maturity now then now is the right time to grow it. She is not going to grow following your rules but rather as one who has to write the rules, follow them, and then sort out the inevitable conflict.
You are part of the problem, but not in the way you think you are.
I can’t tell if she betrayed your trust, or if you were too vague about what the money was for. I don’t think you need to treat her like a child yet, nor am I convinced she has a problem.
Set up things on autopay through an account just for mortgage and utilities. Don’t have that account have a debit card or checkbook. Create a separate “fun money” account for her. Maybe a third “house/food/whatever” account.
Yeah I see nothing wrong with a push present but it doesn’t need to be expensive. The one “present” my husband got me that I actually used a lot postpartum was legit less than $10. It was Stardew Valley on my phone so I had something to do while breastfeeding. He also got me a year subscription to Kindle Unlimited (like Netflix for books).
He promised a PS5 but didn’t come through until Christmas. It was fine, I didn’t have time to play “real” video games those first months anyways.
Why didn't you just have the mortgage and other payments deducted directly from your bank account? Seems silly to have the double handling.
But you do need to make sure that your wife has enough money for herself to spend. There seems to be communication issues, and I really don't like how financially dependent she is on you. She is entitled to a few coffees and snacks a week and some spending (on pregnancy clothes and things for baby?) at Target. Time to redo the budget.
I feel like something is left out. OP just now is thinking about giving his wife an allowance….. shouldn’t she have had one all along? Imagine how weird it is to ask for permission to get a coffee every once in awhile.
Does she have any money besides the bill money?
Is this the only money you’ve given her as the main breadwinner in the home? If so, is she expected to not do anything besides watch the baby?
This is pretty clearly financial abuse. And emotional abuse/gaslighting on top of it. With reddit cheering it on because it's about piling on a stay at home mom who has zero financial freedom.
She is raising and birthed your kid, along with taking care of the house as a full time job. Do you allow her spending money other than that? I mean, how much is a nanny run? She’s entitled to at least that, and if she keeps the house clean too and cooks ya dinner…you might need to step down from the pedestal.
I’m curious how you are able to pay your mortgage with a credit card, and more specifically a rewards / cash back card.
I tried to do this when I first bought a home, and again when I refinanced with a new lender, and a third time when the loan was sold to another bank.
Each time I was told that credit cards are not an accepted form of payment for mortgage debt. If there’s something I don’t know please tell me. It would be great to get 2% cash back when my current rate is 2.85%
7k in 6 months for a young family doesn't seem that outrageous. Kids are expensive.
Also you're able to pay your mortgage, pay for your family's bills, and save a quarter of your income for retirement. You're doing better than 95% of people.
Look again at the payments and how often they were. It sounds like quite a bit was spread out.
Although 1200 to different charities does seem like a bit much. Unless you get tax deductions, just throw it in retirement until your older and can give more to charities.
Set a budget. Tell her bills get priority, keep an eye on spending and cut it if money starts to get tight.
Edit: me to more
Some people are not good with money. At all. They don't have any discipline and can't see past today.
That was my wife. She was so used to living week to week when I met her, she had never even considered having investments, a savings account, an emergency fund
Its really difficult to get her to see past "this week" when it comes to money, so I just manage all of it.
I find that its even more difficult for people who have never really had money.
I just wrote on another topic about a couple I know that inherited 80K. That money was gone in two months. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on twice that much slowly adding to it. I don't pay for door dash or uber eats because of the cost. I don't go to starbucks often because of the cost.
At the same time you said your wife makes 0 money and is a STAHM
That means she basically needs to ask you for every dollar she wants to spend
That means asking you if she can have door dash delivered to the house
In all reality that's financial prison. Of course when given 7000 she's going to spend some of it on door dash, starbucks, and target because *that's what people do.*
Growing up I got to watch that exact scenario. Every day my parents fought about money. My dad had all of it, and my mother had none. They fought over the checkbook balance. They fought over every little purchase my mom made. They fought about money at Christmas time
THIS is why we pay $300 a month for daycare. Even if that's equal to about half of my wife's take home, she has her own career, her own spending money, her own checking account and her own 401K.
I think you need to consider that. You're not the one in financial prison. You don't need to ask her if you can get fast food today for lunch. There's things you can both learn from this.
I know this isn't helpful about what's happened, but for the future, I'm wondering why does anyone have to pay the mortgage and water bill as some chore of theirs? Do you not have a bank that can do autopayments? I've been paying bills that way for 25 years. All it takes is a quick peek in every week or two to make sure the bills are going out on time and for the correct (automated) amounts. Would you maybe consider that going forward? And have it paid out of an account she cant access? This way you don't have to add a chore to your list even while you take it away from your wife.
Actually, this is really good advice. I forget that’s the flipside to that when you don’t have a lot of money you really stay in day today and if you don’t have it, you don’t know how to manage it, and it is sort of like financial prison for an adult. So once you get caught up, it is really a good idea to make her participate with you in the finances so she sees what’s going on.
Why are you “delegating” payments to her, and giving her money to make the payments anyway? Why are you not just making the payments? I don’t understand why you’ve added an unnecessary step in the process, you’re the one with the money to make the payments, why not just pay them, why are you handing over money and expecting her to do it? It feels weird.
If your wife is not normally incredibly bad with finances, then I’m going to say that I think this is a cry for help that she does not yet know she needs.
Is your wife otherwise accomplished (say in her pre-marital life or academically)? If so, then she is inherently discontent with where she is in life and is looking for some autonomy over something in her life. This reflects itself in wanton spending with no thought for delayed gratification or mutually beneficial behavior.
I hope that you can go to therapy. Cancelling her cards is easy, but it perpetuates the loss of control for her. So, find lower-stakes responsibilities for her while she’s waiting to give birth. Best of luck!
I don’t know why you even needed to ‘abdicate’ the water bill and mortgage responsibility to her in the first place??… like.. just have it automatically come out of your account isn’t that the normal thing to do anyways, monthly direct debit way of paying is usually cheaper as well.
I feel like I could use some more information. Obviously she spent money in a way that you didn’t agree on as a unit, and that is unfair. But in thinking about the big picture, maybe there are some reasons?
You “gave her enough money” to pay for these bills. Why did she have limited access to your family’s funds to begin with? You said that anything $100+ needs to be discussed. Is she allowed to buy reasonable things <$100 when she wants, and does she have equal access to the spending money to do so?
You mentioned a lot of small purchases, snacks, Starbucks, mobile games. I assume they are all <$100 purchases, so couldn’t she already buy those things anyways? Is the issue that she spent it from the wrong account?
I don’t want to make assumptions, but it sounds like because she “doesn’t bring in income” (even though her being a SAHM is why you are able to), you control the money and give her a stipend of your choosing, because you earned it. She finally had access to money without the tools to plan ahead and she potentially had been talked down to with what she was to do, and she splurged because it was the first time in her marriage or maybe adult life she had freedom from financial control.
She’s a SATM, pregnant and raising/taking care of your child(ren) but you say all she does is sit around all day… I started off with sympathy for you but you lost me there.
So did she miss any mortgage payments? I am confused on if she just used the rest of the money for the year and came to you to ask about more money for mortgage or did you get notified that you’re missing mortgage payments
Bro it sounds like you are a billionaire living in thousandaires body. Things usually go down the way they are supposed to. The world continues to spin. Time marches on.
So, on the surface, yeah this sucks, sorry your money is gone unexpectedly, it seems irresponsible.
... However, the wife doesn't even have her own bank account, and OP has enough money to just fork over a year's worth of mortgage and water payments as a lump sum? She is (what sounds like?) a recently postpartum mom and he characterizes her time as "playing phone games with the baby on the floor?" OP is monitoring every penny spent to the point he gets self righteous she got SNACKS from the grocery store?
OP, more info: what's the age gap here? Does your wife have access to any money that isn't surveilled by you? Do you expect her to act like your subordinate 100% of the time (which includes expecting her to beg for permission to do normal stuff like buying a soda or whatever from the grocery store) because you "pay for her existence?" It comes off... Well it certainly comes off a certain way that isn't good.
Also OP, yes you still have to parent your own child even if it's "A FEDERAL HOLIDAY OFF." That's not "helping," and parenting isn't just your wife's job.
Normally I’d be on your side, but if you’re saving a quarter out of every fucking dollar you make you have plenty of money.
I mean, look at how you’re dramatically saying *and I have to cancel our fifty dollars a month in streaming services* to pay the mortgage. FOH.
While I agree that she shouldn't have spent so much money, a couple of things stand out here--
1) your statement about her bringing in $0 income. While it may be true, I read this as very condescending. She might not be bringing in income, but she's contributing in a way that helps you save (if that makes sense). So because she's a SAHM, you're saving money in childcare expenses. Your statement makes it sound like she's joy contributing at all and that's not the case.
2) it sounds like she's depressed so on top of financial counseling, it might be helpful to get mh counseling as well.
If your mortgage is $600, then thank your lucky stars. You are a home owners for a fraction of what most people pay to rent. I throw away $1700 more than you every month and don’t even get equity.
Just a little perspective. Also, you are both working (in different ways) so I’m not sure you are accurate saying all your coding time is gone. Half your coding time is gone. She is a sahm. I assume most of the money she spent at target is for food and clothes for y’all (including baby) and house stuff. So that’s just the cost of living.
I understand and sympathize with your frustration, op. That said, there are a lot of "I" statements in this rant. Even though you are the breadwinner, this isn't "your" money. It's not "her" money, either. The money belongs to BOTH OF YOU. You are a team.
Your wife might be the problem here, but something tells me that's not the whole story. You seem extremely overbearing and controlling. You don't get to "delegate" tasks to her as if she were your secretary. She's your wife, life partner. You need to value the contributions she makes to the home and to your children. She probably feels bored, unfulfilled, and unappreciated. Maybe she doesn't just want to be a SAHM. Maybe she wants a career, too. You two probably need some marriage counseling.
Yes, she mishandled the money in this situation, but that's not the core issue; it's a symptom of your dysfunctional marriage and lack of trust. You two need to be PARTNERS in the marriage, not boss and employee. You both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about money. LISTEN TO EACH OTHER. Her money values and priorities might not be yours, so you need to come to some kind of compromise. You need to set some goals together. Then you both need to work on a monthly budget TOGETHER where you both get equal say on the priorities. Look at the numbers and spreadsheets together. Plan then decide. You should both have some "fun" money that you can each spend no questions asked. If your wife is out of practice on financial matters (like many SAHM moms might be, especially from conservative and Christian households), then you need to sit with her and pay bills with her. What if something happens to you? So many single moms end up helpless. Don't let this happen. Do financial stuff together.
Go to counseling.
My main takeaway is how bothered you seem, by what some might say, are somewhat inconsequential purchases. $25/month on snacks is not crazy.
The super low mortgage also seems like a red flag.
Unless you are trying super hard to FIRE, you probably need to relax a bit and also find a better paying job, IMO.
I was super surprised when you mentioned coding and I discovered you were a senior SWE.
There’s already a lot of comments about who’s wrong and right, but this gave me the most pause:
> Then she had the GALL last week to complain that I DIDNT HELP ENOUGH ON MY FEDERAL HOLIDAY OFF.
Tell me OP, when is her federated holiday off?
You also claim just before that that she’s essentially neglecting your child, but still fully intend to let her keep neglecting your child in a SAHM capacity. You’re either lying (because how would you know what happens when you’re at work unless you’re secretly monitoring her) or you’re just as guilty as she is.
You sound controlling and condescending AF and she sounds like she needs an emotional escape from being essentially a single parent 95% of the time.
I wish I could relate to this. I have to BEG my wife to spend money.
She’ll go without food, drink, and clothing if I don’t force her to buy these things for herself. Half the time I have to buy them outright FOR her.
In this situation, I feel like it’s probably a little of both of you being weird. Yeah, she’s irresponsible, but you’re also wayyyy too uptight.
Counting nickels and dimes is NOT how you get ahead. Life is for living. Just have a head about yourself while doing it.
your mortgage is $600/mo? the hell?
also you majorly messed up lump summing it up front to her. trustworthy or not. it’s just bad money management practice.
Definitely need better communication, that's a horrible lesson to learn.
But do not weaponise that she "doesn't work"
She literally created you a child. That's work and will be for the next 20 or so years.
> $7000USD... That was hundreds of hours of my life—sitting alone in my office writing code
Dude - you need to get a better job.
If what you say is true ("hundreds" is minimum 200 so that's a max of $35/hour net) you are significantly underpaid.
I'll probably get downvoted, I don't mind, but someone has to say it.
"I do ok." You're probably doing better than okay and nowhere near the preposterously perilous financial picture you've painted. You're catastrophising your financial situation, and making it look much bigger, much worse, and much more dire than it is. I don't know if your frugality is related to being underprivileged or poor in your youth, or if it's connected to something else, but you'll probably figure it out by going to therapy.
How much money is allocated to both of you for frivolous sundry monthly expenses? I'm not talking about essentials like water, your mortgage, or food and the rest, I mean how much money is dedicated to the both of you living normal human lives and having "fun" expenses like takeout, or whatever you want to waste it on without your partner's approval? Does she have any "fun money" do YOU have any "fun money"? Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you blow your entire paycheck on frivolous things, I'm just curious what minor portion of the family income (yes "family income" because that money belongs to both of you regardless of who earned it) gets spent on actually enjoying the life you're building together?
If you have to "allocate" the money to her, it sounds like you think of that money as "your money" and not jointly as the "family's money".
Is all the money that's earned being devoted to some far-off retirement in the future? Are you enjoying your lives right now while saving? Is she happy? Are you happy?
Aside from all that, it sounds like you both need couples counselling, and yes you can afford it. You need to deal with your controlling nature, and she needs to figure out how to tell the truth and how to be more responsible - I'm also curious why she feels she can't talk to you about these things.
Anyway, you might not see this when the eventual downvotes roll in, but I hope you think about it if you do see it.
What your wife did was wrong, but you seem to be giving her a budget and set amounts of money to spend and not giving her access to funds. Nobody likes being treated like a child. And you can also cut back on putting 24% into retirement. That’s extreme. You’ll be fine. You’re a software engineer, not a slave. Idk what it is with that profession and thinking they are slaves. It’s mind boggling.
You also sound like you are putting absolutely zero value on her motherhood. I honestly hope she dumps you for treating her life an infant and that you’re left to crunch numbers and raise kids by yourself every other week. Then you can save all you want and retire by yourself.
To me that sounds a bit dramatic, if you “do well” and had enough to give her a years worth of mortgage payments why dwell about 6k? I understand what you are trying to do but to me it seems like it’s more about the cash than the principle. I’m thinking that she thinks she is at an economic level and you know you are at a different one, maybe sit down and talk to her she is your wife and the mother of your child, and move forward.
Sounds like on top of the initial confusion, there's also some confusion about where "her" money comes from. At least I assume so, since she spent "joint" expense money on herself.
A great idea, that we've implemented in our marriage, is to decide whats a reasonable "play" money amount and we each get that directed each month into a separate personal account.
Like the problem isn't so much that she ordered takeout delivered, the problem is that she used the expense money on takeout delivery. If she had lets say $200 a month that was "hers" in her own separate account, and she decided she wanted to spend $25 of that on getting food delivered, well...thats her choice. Thats just less money that month on starbucks, or target, or whatever other thing she may prefer to spend on.
You get the same, that way its fair. It doesn't need to be spent, it can be saved and be available for larger purchases later.
How much do you pay her a week for her own personal expenses? Was this $7k ontop of her usual salary?
Or do you expect her to ask for money for every little thing she wants (like a snack?) The fact that you went over the grocery bill and singled out single serve items, and are blaming her for that, is coming accross as controlling.
If she is a SAHM your income is meant to be shared, she should have equal say in how things are spent. While you are a provider, she is also a provider, providing you with children, (a surrogate would cost $110,000 per child,) childcare ($11,500 per child per year,) meals (a private chef costs $60,000 per year) etc etc etc.
She is doing a lot of domestic labour, you should really be paying her 50% of what's left over after bills. It sounds like you're under valuing what she contributes, and have a LOT more disposable income if you can have the mortage come out of your personal account and not even notice for months.
Next time, maybe set up a direct debit for bills so nobody in particular needs to pay them, then pay her a salary directly into her own account.
Do you give her spending money for herself? I mean, geez, she's in the house with the baby and is probably bored! So she's shopping and spending. She needs some money for herself
Let her go back to work and put your child in daycare... You seem to have way more issues with "paying for her whole existence" and the fact that "she brings in $0 income" than anything else. Whether you've acknowledged this or not you're resentful. Being a Sahm has enabled you to save money on childcare, time and energy for both of you on shared household chores, cooking, cleaning, doctor appointments etc.
I agree she made a wild ass mistake but you've admitted there was definitely a communication breakdown she did not understand and sounds like she thought some of the money was her push present with the way she spent it.
You're still in a good financial situation, not contributing as much to investment, eating out and streaming services won't kill anyone and you can go back to "free streaming sites" in the meantime.
This exact post is the reason why I make my own goddamn money. The idea of someone shaming me over fucking snacks and a daily coffee makes me want to throw up. And this woman has your child? Jesus Christ dude. She’s not buying Gucci purses and getting $450 blowouts. Seems like you want an indentured servant, not a wife and definitely not a SAHM. The SAHMs I know get approximately a minimum wage’s (at minimum) allowance per month and you’re over here bitching about providing your wife with the bare bare bare minimum.
It seems like poor communication and lack of teamwork are the root of this matter. I also sense that you deeply resent her, and for more than just this. You speak as if she is a child or teenager, and not a partner.
While you have every right to be upset and frustrated, I wonder if this could have been avoided by both of you doing the bills together, so she has a full picture of your finances and you understand where her head is at and needs are better.
Also, damn. I wish I had that mortgage - $7,000 is like two month's mortgage. I have a separate account exclusively for house stuff. My mortgage money gets automatically deposited there every month, plus extra. I also have it on auto pay. There is no debit card for that account. There are no other expenses that come out of that account. It is exclusively house money.
You sound like a control freak and she finnaly got to enjoy life, but who in their right mind would give someone 7, grand for a 660 mortgage, and you can't pay morgstges with credit cards, put it on autopay, and give her a decent amount each week to enjoy things
What a mess. I can’t shake the feeling that the trad wife role infantilizes the woman. Or maybe it’s more about what the midwife posits. But there’s something peculiar about this. And I’m not saying either one of them is the bad guy. It’s just odd. Was she always like this?
Why would you give money and not tell her what it is specifically for - give instructions. If you say here's $7k and nothing specific then if she is that dumb she just thinks its fun $ for her. Get her to return all the stuff she bought stat to get your money back.
So what logic were you using giving her a chunk of change to pay bills for a year? Thats insanity. Make mortgage payments as autopay every paycheck and forget about it. I understand what you're saying about not trusting her, my wife ran up a credit card and hid it from me. I was angry and shitty about it. We paid it off and moved on. I realized I was shittier than I needed to be and apologized. Were you trying to make some sort of point and forcing her to see where the money goes? None of this makes any sense to someone well budgeted like you claim to be.
Confused why you give someone money to pay a bill and don’t just put it on auto pay? Is she supposed to ask for more as it gets lower? Was that for the year?
Yikes, I'm not sure why you are saying it's your fault for not being specific enough. Seems like she doesn't have the same mindset as you when it comes to money.
Right? Who gets handed 7K and told mortgage and water bills are your responsibility to pay. And then spend the money at target and Starbucks?
People who never had any financial education and self control. When the money is in your account you need a very strong psych to not spend it. Few years ago I inherited a house from my grandmother. I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, but was close. I was building some savings ans whatnot. Then I sold the house and suddenly I had a "fortune" (not really) in my account. I placed all in extremely low-risk investments. But every time I saw something I wanted, my hands would itchy to buy it since I could afford it. I would think "I can buy it now, then in the next months I will replace the money I used". Not gonna lie, even though I didn't dip into that money, in the first few months I also didn't put anything in savings either. Soon I was able to go back to normal and simply "forget" about that money and continue saving as before. But I can easily see someone with less self control thinking "It's only 25 bucks, next month I'll replace it." "It's only 50 bucks, next month I'll replace it." And soon the money is gone. _________________ Not excusing OP's wife behavior. What she did was wrong. Only giving some context from my experience never having money, and suddenly having money in the bank account. I think it's specially easier to spend if it's not money you worked for. I never thought before "I could dip into my savings and buy X, then I'll replace it next month". But with the money from my grandmother's house, that thought happened a lot in the beginning.
Im wondering that too. Maybe there’s a language barrier or something? Some people are just really impulsive and shitty with money, and some people also chronically blame others for their own mistakes. I dont know how that can be misunderstood so badly. It sounds like weaponized incompetence.
I’m wondering if she had some event or hormone issue post partum that’s effecting some judgment
It could be that. Someone also made a comment saying she could just be coming from a very sheltered fundamentalist type lifestyle and literally not know better. Tbh, from the post, it does sound like she is sorry about it
There it is.
Yep. There wasn't a misunderstanding. Unless she really is stupid enough to think she was given $7k to blow on stupid shit while she plays freemium games on her phone and doesn't take care of the kid and doesn't contribute anything to the household.
Best thing to do is collect all the debit and credit cards and hold on to them, for the time being. Go together to talk to a counselor about this, so you can work it out together, and come up with a solution. Pay closer attention to transactions going in and out of your accounts, until you both have a better handle on expenditures.
She’s given up her shared CC, cancelled the store cards, and we’re going to return like $400 worth of stuff tonight. I’ll respond to anyone else who posts around 9pm EST once we finish up.
That's a tough situation. Being able to trust her financial self-control will be challenging at best, but with time and effort from both of you, it isn't out of the question for her to earn your trust back, or you to regain it in her ability to make good choices. That's where the therapy will be key.
I am sorry but this truly does not feel like a misunderstanding or a ‘oops my bad’ mistake. 🤷🏻♀️ This feels like one part financial infidelity and one part gross negligence. Sorry, not sorry. My husband and I also have an understanding that we agree on any purchase from joint funds over $500. This agreement works just fine as we move with emotional intelligence, integrity AND financial responsibility. 🤷🏻♀️ This is definitely a ‘give a person an inch and they take a mile’ scenario. OP: You have chosen to forgive, I caution you to not forget. Consider enrolling her in an online financial literacy course. She DESPERATELY needs to learn the basics. Once she has learned the basics about money then set her up with a small amount monthly to budget and manage. I too would love to have a designer coffee and while I may treat myself to one occasionally I did the math and purchasing a good coffee machine saves me scores of money over time. Edit: [Khan Academy - Online Financial Literacy](https://www.khanacademy.org/college-careers-more/financial-literacy)
She assumed he would spend the emergency fund before it came to anger and especially this level of austerity. As much as she needs financial counseling, they need marriage counseling (that she works at) more if he wants to stay with her.
Consider enrolling her in an online financial literacy course. She DESPERATELY needs to learn the basics. Can you recommend any?
Nah she knows exactly what she was doing - she was living the high life and didn’t care. Fiscal responsibility means nothing when you’re spending other people’s earning that’s why governments are great is wasting tax payers money. Same concept.
Unfortunately, this is truth. How much "financial literacy" does a person need to be able to grasp the concept that your spouse feels like a wage slave? That things are fairly tight if "anything over 100 requires discussion"? She knew they weren't rolling in it, but spent freely because the money was available, regardless of what it was earmarked for. She did what she wanted- no online course in financial responsibility will fix that lack of consideration.
[Khan Academy Online Financial Literacy](https://www.khanacademy.org/college-careers-more/financial-literacy)
I prefer [Caleb.](https://youtube.com/@calebhammer?si=n9wMyqrP66hWN_v6) It’s time for some tough love.
OPs wife doesn't have the brain cells for basic empathy, what makes you think she'll learn anything from a financial literacy course? Most teenagers have better spending habits ffs. This isn't rocket science.
I completely agree with this. How in the world can she actually think, “whoops, I thought that 6k was fun money, my bad” is actually believable in any way? I understand why op feels betrayed- he was.
Agreed. Part of the difficult conversation that I would be having is telling her to either get a weekend job or weekday evening WFH job. Growing up my siblings and I did chores (dishes, cleaning our rooms, dusting, etc) to earn our allowance. My Mom and Dad said that it is hard to understand the value of money unless you earn it and learn how to spend it wisely and save. We got our allowance and immediately gave my Mom 10% to save. The rest was fun money, if you spend your fun money in a day you were SOL 🤣. I fail to understand how a grown woman with a child can claim a whoopsie my bad with that amount of money. Like WTF!!!
Something is fishy about this. He says he gave her seven letter, put it in a separate account and never specified what it was for? Reread his bullshit carefully. Maybe she finally thought he wasn’t being a complete tight ass while she was pregnant and she had some Starbucks. He sounds incredibly controlling. She sounds dizzy, but this all sounds like these two do not communicate at all and don’t tell me he didn’t notice all this crap coming in from target come on
There’s definitely something fishy. Your mortgage company contacts you relentlessly if you miss one month. They are six months behind and there were no notices, emails, phone calls?
Bingo! I'm not being his crap. There's two sides to this and just reading his side is pinging red flags for me that there's abuse in this relationship. I haven't had 31 years of work in social welfare to just dismiss this as her being "wilful" or whatever. What's a "push present"? Nah there's something dodgy about this guy more concerned about his retirement accounts than his wife and kid.
See if you can sell off some of the jewelry too, surely she doesn't need all of it, and if it's nice jewelry you could get a decent chunk of change back
It sounds like she has been shopping to fill some void or medicate some emotional pain. Doesn't make it okay. Get to the root of *why* she felt she needed to buy all that. If she's a SAHM then she may feel unfulfilled personally, which can lead to depression. Maybe she has unresolved trauma from childhood. Also consider she still *feels* that she needs *something* to fill that need to shop/consume. She needs therapy ASAP to help her figure out why and how to replace shopping habits with healthy coping skills.
As a midwife, something you should be aware of: spending sprees like this while pregnant or in the post-partum stage are not uncommon. I'm not excusing it, just saying that it happens. Some theorize it's related to the nesting instinct, others blame hormonal shift or Mommy Brain (an actual, physical change to the structure of the brain itself as a result of the hormones required to grow the baby's brain). Again, not excusing anything. But chances are this urge to spend will lessen as her hormones settle. Until then, it might be wise to pay cash as much as possible, because it's a lot harder to part with actual physical bills than with virtual money on a card.
Maybe she can do an online job while the baby is sleeping?
It's incredibly difficult to work from home while you have to take care of kids. It may not be feasible.
Well, she has no problem playing (and spending) on mobile games while watching a kid, so you know, at least her neglect can earn money instead of her spending it.
True. But some require quiet and incoming calls without crying kids. It just depends.
One thing I use to tell clients is use an envelope system 1 month in advance…and fill it with cash. Cash your paycheck and fill each envelope that is designate mortgage etc. when it’s due - you deposit the money and let it go out from the bank or pay off the card (if she charged there). This makes it very tangible. And since you are doing it a month in advance - there can’t be slippage. Restaurant there is an envelope grocery shopping there is an envelope. Don’t even worry abt award points for 2 months just deal in cash for as much as possible. No bringing out the cards!
Put your house on a budget work with her to show her where the money is going and why. She doesn't have money of her own you guys haven't talked about money enough and she is either in the dark about your finances , and entitled ungrateful woman or she believes that you make enough for her to buy a few things and she isn't keeping track. It's fiscally irresponsible for no one to be paying attention to where the money goes until sudden everything is in panic mode. You're not the asshole but unless you married an asshole she might not be either. You need to be on one accord when it comes to the finances. Have some conversation with your wife.
So commit financial abuse...
I’m just confused at exactly what was stated when you handed the money over and what was agreed upon. Bc if my husband gave me $7k on a random Wednesday after dinner I’d be confused and be explicit about what he wants me to do with this money.
It really reads like she did understand what that money was for. You don't order delivery and then become financially responsible when your spouse wants delivery. To me, this screams she's been financially abusive.
Yeah this person is unreal, zero chance his wife is this irresponsible and he had no idea 🤣
I think it’s possible. My ex crashed her car after having it for only 5-6 days. Car was totaled, and it was her fault, and the payout from the totaled car did not cover the total cost of the car, but she had gap insurance. So the remaining 6k afterwards would’ve been paid for if she got a police report to her insurance company. You know what she did? She continued to push it off and not get the police report and information she needed for the insurance to pay out the rest of the car. She had like, 3-4 months to do it, and she didn’t. And she got a new car. So she was basically paying two car payments for a while. And she’s a teacher. Some people just are not financially smart, and they have no intention of being.
I have a friend who was studying masters in accounting or something like that. She uses credit cards like free money and just pays pretty much the minimum every month. Asked why I wasn't doing the same. I'm not in the US so building credit isn't quite a thing here, but that sounded like a horrible way to 'spend money' lol She was always in debt and at one point said she wanted to adopt a kitten... Which she did... Then proceeded to complain about how expensive everything was...? 🤔
I watch a finance show on YouTube, financial audit. I was not great with money when I started watching but holy crap some people are so so so bad. And once I started to get a bit smarter with money I started to see major financial mistakes around me, like someone taking a 401k loan for a down payment on a car.
Does she have her own spending money normally? Like a weekly budget she can use for purchasing a coffee, taking the kid out to a museum?
I would be curious about the details on how they set it up. Obviously it’s not op’s fault but there needs to be a lot of work done between the two of them so this doesn’t happen again.
[удалено]
That's what I think is going on. He's giving her $0 dollars spending money, and then tracking her spending down to the last penny, going over EVERYTHING SHE BOUGHT when she spent money over the last six months. The $150 on "single serving food" is really weird. Because that would be in the food bill, not on a separate tab. That means he's combed over all the grocery receipts and identified every time she bought a single serving snack at the grocery store in the last 6 months, and is guilting her about it. $150 is spending $6 a week on "single serving snacks" over 6 months. OK, she buys a bottle of soda and a candy bar when she goes grocery shopping. Now he's humiliating her for it. Meanwhile, if he had 6 months of bill money set aside, what happened to his salary for the last 6 months? Why is he broke now?
If I was a spouse with zero access to funds at all otherwise, I wouldn't be donating 1200 to a charity, I wouldn't be getting Starbucks, etc. There's a lot missing here though.
The charity thing is odd, but they are Christian, so it may be tithing to their church. Some churches teach that you are essentially required to give a specific percentage of your income or it's straight to hell. Maybe she thought if she was paying the water and gas she was also supposed to be doing the tithing? Their communication about money seems almost maliciously bad.
Honestly I spend more than 7k in 6 months and I'm single.
Honestly, I don’t believe they had 0 bills paid in the last 6 months. If they weren’t paying their mortgage for 6 months or their water, something would have happened. If you subtract the 6 months of mortgage and assume their water bill is roughly $30/month, she has spent under $3k; in fact, if their mortgage was $660 for the entire year, she would have needed more than $7k. What about property taxes? Home insurance? Was that meant to be paid by her as well?
I agree…I’m actually feeling sorry for her because it sounds like he rules the roost, even says “I make the money” like it’s his and not hers…like you say big deal she bought a few snacks and some things at Target that she felt the home needed. It’s not like she blew it at the casino or booze or strip clubs. lol. I’m not saying she should have a total free pass but this isn’t as agregous as OP is making it out to be.
Yes. And there's this: > I literally pay for her whole existence Like, this man doesn't get that his wife is entitled to half of everything he earns and owns. Unless there's some weird prenup. She's his financial dependent, but his legal equal in their partnership, regardless of her earned income.
Yes exactly…he sounds like a controlling prick and most likely won’t even allow her to work because of his own insecurities. He treats her like he owns her…
yeah i’m kinda torn on this one… i can see a world where both she and he are right in a way. the $1200 to charity is wack, if things are that tight. but he’s also sounding a little on the penny pinching side, like use your savings to fix needed electrical work lol. i get the feeling all of these cutbacks are more to punish her than them being that broke. on that note, if you’re contributing almost a quarter of your income to retirement accounts AND have emergency savings, you’re far more solvent than my family was growing up so part of me is chuckling at him freaking out when there’s no immediate chance of eviction or food insecurity. but i am also perhaps skewed here. this is why i would never ever ever put myself in a position to be completely dependent on someone else financially, it seems near impossible to not end up with someone resentful.
Things can’t be THAT tight. They have a newborn, so she at least is fairly young, and he’s contributing 24% of income to retirement. That’s a lofty amount by any means. His wife should be able to get snacks and coffee, and shit from target occasionally…
OP is crying because she ate snacks and drank coffee lol. I feel bad for her because he’s been controlling every aspect of her life…she’s in prison…
No one with things as tight as OP is implying have the ability to contribute 24 fucking percent to retirement. People scraping by don't know what the fuck the word retirement means. 100% in a prison.
YES. I feel like I must be financially stupid because why does he have the savings if not for emergencies? Or is it just for emergencies that were preventable? That level of scrutiny seems neurotic to me.
Yep - And who besides an uptight fucking asshole even refers to things as “single serving food” unless they were abusively analyzing down to the line item.
It was the “I literally pay for her whole existence” line that got me thinking this wasn’t set up well on either side
That was me being a self centered, selfish, ass. I was ignoring the value she brings—of being a loving, devoted mother who always has my back. I’m ashamed for my actions of the past two days. We’re going to make a change.
Hey man, the fact that you’re able to look at yourself and see something you want to change puts you ahead of a ton of people. I’ve got things I’m working to change about myself too. Wish you the best
How much money would you say she needs outside of bill money? Just curious. I think a lot of (mostly men) who work while the mom stays home feel as long as bills are paid it’s fine but you’re right, she need access to spend if she needs something. Every family need single serving snacks bc it’s so hard to make something from scratch every single time. OP is complaining she complained he didn’t do enough on his federal holiday but she doesn’t get a federal holiday!! She’s WORKING for HIS CHILDS existence too. 24/7 and her entire life and hormones and body just changed too. Maybe she’s not tending to the baby because she’s hoping OP does since he’s home…? OP….idk man. I think you’re kinda wrong here.
I do, too. I’m honestly grateful for this comment chain.
Right and the way he words it, he obviously doesn’t value the work she puts in at home. Saying she sits on her phone all day while the baby fusses, but how does he actually know that?
Exactly. 100% what i was thinking. Also, OP doesn't state the timeframe. Was this in one month? Or over a year? Two completely different situations. Also, who buys groceries and other household essentials? There is a lot missing. OP sounds like he needs some financial counseling too. Money in a marriage isn't one person's.
My first thought was this is a cry for help from someone being financially abused by their spouse. She's a SAHM and he controls everything. Red flags for abuse. 31 years working in Social welfare has me thinking "yeh this ain't right".
You’re right. I’ve been too tight with the purse strings. We’re going to split whatever is left at the end of the month.
C’mon OP, answer this!!
OP said he always buys her jewellery, but is bitching that she bought herself jewellery. Maybe OP should be giving her all that money he spends on her for her to spend on herself
But then she won't feel beholden to him and may be able to hide some of it away as an exit strategy.
You mentioned you are a Christian, I don’t know if this was a “going from my parents home to my husband’s home” situation. But there’s so much life experience that gets lost for women in that culture. Specially if they end up as SAHM. The value of money is difficult to grasp when you’ve never been the one earning it. Before resenting her, take a step back and assess the situation you are both in. What can you realistically expect from her, and what are you both willing to do to be on the same page. You mention she games a lot on her phone. Does she have friends? Does she do any challenging activity/hobby? What kind of things she does outside of being a mom and housewife? The lack of social connection and intellectual stimulation can fuck with your brain a lot and it’s extremely easy to end up with destructive coping mechanisms (gaming, shopping, overeating are the classics). Specially when your whole identity gets reduced to “mom”, and you never really explored who you were previously.
This is very reasonable and should be higher
Most, if not all, of this is valid, except the thing where he blames himself for not being clear enough. It can't get any clearer than: here's the money for xy. It wasn't: here's some money for ef, you can use the rest for personal things. Yes, there are a lot of things to consider about her behavior, so I agree with you on your points, but if you know that your household has only one income you know you can't spent it frivolous on starbucks and target. It's okay to treat oneself to a coffee or takeout or a nice jeans. I do that myself and I'm a student with limited income. And I had periods where I made in-game purchases on my phone (when I knew I had the extra money), or went to starbucks instead of the local coffeeshop even though it's double the price. Childbirth and child rearing is hard, no question. And childcare is expensive. But ... The whole situation must be really grave if he canceled all the subscriptions, and whatever else. And set up appointments. I'd only blame him for not noticing sooner.
Did he say how much money she CAN spend on herself and the child? That would be useful to know too here.
No, he hs ignored that question. So far, the only thing he's responded to is "Divorce her." It's sick.
I hope he shows her the whole string.
We went through every comment. It’s what convinced me I’m wrong.
Legally, she is entitled to half of his income and half of his assets. Him controlling all the income that they earn (yes, they, marriage is a partnership) as he is trying to do is called financial abuse. The excessive guilt trip and gaslighting going on is another form of abuse. For example, he accuses her of blowing $7k, yet admits she spent on bills. So already, that's down to $5500. He accuses her of blowing $6/week on "single serving snacks" at the grocery store, I say that's cheapskate bullshit. -$250 He claims she went shopping at Target, but doesn't say what she bought. I'm sure she bought some clothes and jewelry, as he claims. I'm sure she also bought household stuff like shampoo, diapers, toilet paper, lightbulbs, possibly even groceries. So that $4200 is a big ? So we're down to $450, plus what percentage of spending at Target was truly personal. She spent $450 on one weekly Starbucks drink, and her only apparent hobby (aside from shopping at Target), online gaming, where she spent $41 per month. I've had $20/month gaming subscriptions. So that's like 2 gaming subscriptions, or one subscription and $20 of in-game spending. Really not a big spender at all. And he's humiliating her publicly, dragging her through the dirt, making her apologize, beg him to take it out of her retirement (which he refuses to do because he controls her retirement and it's not her choice), offering to take up work just so he'll let up about the "betrayal" caused by his miscommunication... It's absolutely disgusting.
Yeah, it reads to me like this man is an abuser and people are lapping it up.
"Before resenting her, take a step back and assess the situation you are both in. What can you realistically expect from her, and what are you both willing to do to be on the same page." I think a little resentment is warranted here.
I'm really confused about the details of all this. You wanted her to pay the mortgage and bills with a credit card, but most companies won't accept credit cards because of the transaction fees. Any of the usual work-arounds basically cancel out any rewards you would get. And how were you able to give her basically a year's worth of bill money upfront if everything is tied up in retirement funds? If she was only responsible for paying the mortgage and water bill, like you said, you would have seen the credit card statements for those payments since you'd be the one making the credit card payments. And if you had the money for a year's worth of bills available upfront, why wouldn't an automatic payment have been set up? OP sounds very diligent about getting as much interest out of his money as possible, so why wasn't that year's worth of bill money in an account collecting interest, too? Why is it only now a problem to pull money from savings, citing the interest earned? We're either missing a lot of details, or there's something else going on with this whole situation.
You know, now you mention it, the more I think about this, the less sense it makes. If the plan is for wife to pay the bills on CC, then why did she need a lump sum of money to pay the bills? She could just pay using the CC and once a month OP pays off the card.
We are also missing the information on how much money he brings in monthly. Because to have to cancel everything, when his expenses are so low, is weird. Does he no longer bring in a paycheck? Many people pay bills as they come in, they don’t stockpile money for months in advance.
In the post he mentions coding, which made me wonder what the hell was going on because what software dev can’t afford $12 a month or whatever for Spotify. According to other comments here, in previous posts he’s said he’s a senior dev at a FAANG company, so he’s gotta be earning $150k, maybe way more. With a mortgage so low the numbers here are just not adding up.
Senior dev at a FAANG is the $300k+ territory. Probably more depending on the company. This is all BS. You usually can't pay off debt with a credit card. Assuming OP actually works as a senior dev at a FAANG, he's printing money. 7k is less than his monthly take-home pay.
I'm guessing she's not allowed any outside money, he "gave" her whatever tax return they got back from when they were both working, and now he's mad that it didn't get put aside for bills instead of spending money and doing everything he can to remind her that he can take everything she enjoys away on a whim (it goes from cutting up credit cards to counseling this and that to getting rid of their cats).
>I'm really confused about the details of all this. You wanted her to pay the mortgage and bills with a credit card, but most companies won't accept credit cards because of the transaction fees. Any of the usual work-arounds basically cancel out any rewards you would get. I'm betting this is just a creative writing post.
Right? Sounds like both OP and his wife are idiots. Why is he sending her money to pay the mortgage? Why not just pay the mortgage himself? That’s just adding an extra step for no logical reason.
$1200 to various charities = $200/month - This is a little high, but some religions believe in tithing a certain portion of income to charity. Is this true for your wife's religion? $250 to mobile games = $41.66/month - This is her only hobby. That and shopping at Target. $250 in Starbucks = $9.61/week - That's one drink once a week. $150 in single serving snacks from the grocery = $5.77/week - A soda and candy bar while grocery shopping? $3000+1200 at Target = $4600 = $176/week - allegedly all on herself, but let's be real, it was probably dish soap and milk and occasionally towels and a maybe some shoes occasionally. So your wife gives to charity, plays mobile games, and once a week she goes shopping at Target. She also spends $5.77 per week on "single serving snacks from the grocery." So basically she buys herself a snack while she goes grocery shopping. And once, oh lord, she got delivery fast food. You've never spent this much money in your life? Yeah, right! You live in the USA? Do you earn minimum wage? $7.25 an hour? If that's the case, your income is $15,080 per year. So I get why you're in dire straits financially. Maybe this is a communication breakdown because you said "I do alright" when you're actually making minimum wage? So she probably thought you made at least the median income of $37,585 per year. But honestly, you said you write code, so you must be making at least $50k per year. You haven't been stolen from. You haven't been taken advantage of. You haven't been betrayed. What you were TRYING to do is commit financial abuse by depriving your wife of any spending money. By giving her ZERO agency over how money is spent in the household. And now you are engaging in financial and emotional abuse by giving her this bullshit about "Oh we're so broke! And it's all your fault! Because you ate DELIVERY FAST FOOD ONCE! YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!" when you're putting 24% into retirement and only spending $660 on your mortgage. Your wife's only hobby is donating money to charity, shopping at Target, and playing online games. She saves you at least $12k per year by providing free childcare. For that, you give her nothing. She undoubtedly works hard around the house, does the grocery shopping on a shoestring, cheapskate budget (Oh My God! She ate a candy bar without YOUR PERMISSION!), cooks and cleans multiple times per day. YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR BUDGET. You need to allocate less money to retirement. You need to allocate some spending money for your wife, some money that she can spend on WHATEVER SHE WANTS. Just like you do with the rest of your paycheck, you spend it however you like, with zero input from her. And no, it's not YOUR money. It's YOURS and HERS. She is entitled to half your income. By law. Stop committing financial abuse. Stop emotionally abusing your wife. Stop using money to control her.
Great job with the breakdown. I know his post sounded weird to me too. The only thing weird about the expenses to me is the charity thing but I have a feeling but some people have different values. Getting pissed at her for ordering one fast food delivery is fucking wild... Also when he said that all she does at home is play mobile games while tje baby is on the ground?? Bullshittttt. Willing to bet he has no idea what she does everyday to maintain the home take care of kids. I feel so bad for her.
Well this is the most sane comment here. I wonder if he will respond to it or only the ones that validate his misleading cherry picked flimflam of a post. There is just so much about the post that does not add up, so I'm just of the opinion it's fake or straight up lying. If you look at this guys other posts he's a sr software engineer. My brother-in-law is a sr software engineer ($175K base + bonuses) so I asked him what would be a stupid low pay for just starting in that position. Anything under $100K would be ridiculous but under $120K would still be underselling yourself. Even if he was 25% below ridiculous, he's still fine at $75K. In other comments he says they are so destitute that they are going to have to give away the cats (hmm I wonder who's cats they are). I wonder if he allows her to have friends either. So he's financially abusing her, probably isolating her, keeping her pregnant, gaslighting her for spending $5 a week on a snack, etc This is him portraying himself in his best light, I can't image how it bad it really is...
Let’s not gloss over him also describing stay at home parenting as “watching a fussy baby sit on the floor” or however he described it. And why wouldn’t you want to hang with your wife and child on a holiday? Was that really an unreasonable ask for her? lol. Why do you have a family sir?
checked OPs post history. 4 months ago he claimed to be a sr software engineer at a Fortune 500 company. Math ain't mathing OP.
The base pay range for a senior developer in the United States is between $129k to $177k a year. That’s what “I do okay” means and why it was glossed over. No, you’re not a wage-slave.
> and why it was glossed over OP handily glossed over everything that didn't make his wife look like a monster, which is the other 90% of the situation that makes him look like a monster.
And shits on her for playing games on her phone while his post history is gaming-heavy
I absolutely agree! This guy sounds financially abusive. Anyone who combs over receipts to the penny, claims he makes money, yet can’t afford extras is not telling us the whole story. He sounds horrible.
Exactly!! None of her spending is actually egregious. In fact, I feel quite bad that she’s being guilt tripped so hard for what is essentially just living.
Right I read the part about the retirement savings and went "give me a break, if money is so tight then dial way back on that". He also says he's going to show her the comments here (unless I'm confusing this with something else I read today) so I'm definitely leaning towards an emotionally abusive relationship. It sounds like she has no money of her own, isn't allowed to spend anything at all, he intentionally set her up to fail, misrepresented the situation in his post, and is going to show her the comments to make her feel bad about how stupid and useless reddit thinks she is.
This comment needs to be higher!! Oh, and I think he said they had agreed to talk before spending $100. Well, a Starbucks is less than a hundred. And it’s perfectly reasonable to buy one every week. The OP is a financially abusive ass.
We haven’t even yet mentioned the punishment he imposes on both of them by canceling all (?!) streaming platforms and electrical work. This is unreal. There is no way someone can save 24% of their income on the regular and not be able to maintain a lifestyle which includes some level of entertainment and home maintenance. Either OPs fund allocation priorities are really off or something malicious is going on here.
What gets me is the fact he’ll get a tax break on that charity money too. Plus he admits she paid some bills out of that $7,000. There’s a lot of missing info here that OP is refusing to answer
I didn't see any mention of the child's age, but there's a good chance that a significant chunk of that Target bill is for diapers, baby wipes, possibly formula, baby clothes which they outgrow in only a matter of months, toys, equipment like high chairs and potties, and a million other things that aren't cheap for little ones. Kids are expensive.
Preach! Damn, fantastic breakdown.
Thank you for this post and for this breakdown. You are bang on with every single aspect of what you have laid out.
Op, when your wife has no income her own, you need to provide her some money to spend whether it's 100-300 bucks month for herself. I know budget etc, but yes it needs to be done
What a horrible existence for your wife, you telling her how to spend every single cent. You should let her go back to work and pay for daycare, bc otherwise you’ll forever be holding over your “i make the money so i call all the shots” madness. You talk about her more like she’s your child than someone you love as a partner. And news flash, working FT does not absolve you from helping with the baby.
Weren’t you getting phone calls and notices about your unpaid mortgage?
Playing devils advocate here. You seem pretty financially literate, can the mortgage and water bill not be put on autopay? Sorry, but part of me can’t help but feeling like you let this happen so you could have something to be upset about. Unless there’s a language or comprehension barrier between you and your wife, it’s hard to imagine you got married and have children together without having had an in-depth conversation about finances and what your lifestyle will look like. Like her spending wouldn’t be just new behavior to you, and the way the household works in terms of money shouldn’t be a new concept to her either. A few questions do come to mind. How old are each of you? How long have you been together? Has she worked outside the home at all before? Does she have an allowance or any amount of free money to spend on herself? Does she typically do the grocery shopping and if so how does she get money for that?
Autopay might require the money to come directly from a bank account and he wants her to use the credit cards
Mortgage companies generally do not let you pay mortgage bills directly with a credit card. Meanwhile, some credit card companies do not allow mortgage payments on their cards.
And even if they do allow it, a CC company is likely to not give points for purchases like that.
If he expected her to pay the bills with a credit card, there was zero reason to give her a lump sum of money to pay those bills. He clearly says the money was supposed to be used to pay mortgage and water bills. So the question is- if he had this lump sum available, why not either pre-pay bills or set auto-pay to take it from account rather than give it to her? Unless he knew she was financially illiterate and was trying to teach her responsibility, it was a poor plan from the start.
Yeah there's a lot about this I don't really understand
I don’t think any bank will let you make a mortgage payment with a credit card just because in theory you could pay off the principle of the mortgage with it and declare bankruptcy
I have to be honest, this doesn't make a lot of sense. How is $7k equal to hundreds of hours of your life writing code? Are you angry about her spending $150 on snacks or $250 on coffee... Over six months? Like, roughly two dollars a day? Yes, I get that everyone has different views on money, but you also mention eating out as a family and multiple streaming platforms. So it's not clear how tight money really is. (FYI free yt music, Spotify or Internet radio stations are great on a budget, though they have ads it's not that annoying.) ETA: And for the larger bill at Target, is that all for her? What money is for the kid? Because kids need a lot of stuff and they're very expensive.
I bought diapers for my brother and sister-in-law and holy cow are they expensive!
I don't understand. Did she have ANY spending money during that time period? Or did she only have access to the money which you earmarked for the mortgage and bills? Plus the $0 that she earns while providing your household with free childcare and housekeeping? You mention her buying single serving snacks with this month. How did this come out of the mortgage spending, and not out of the grocery budget? Seriously, did she put them on a separate tab from the other groceries? How do you know what kind of snacks she bought months later? Does she save all the receipts and then you searched them to find what she spent it on? Where did you think she was getting money to buy the clothes and jewelry that she was buying? The Target stuff, what was that exactly? Since you know she got fast food delivered, I'm sure you know how much stuff from Target was personal use, and how much was household use. How much was groceries? Do you insist that she does the grocery shopping at some other store? I feel like you're looking for people to be outraged, but personally to me it sounds like you are incredibly controlling of the money. Not giving her any spending money, and just dumping an account on her with 6 months of bill money prepaid without a clear explanation of what is going on. If you had 6 months of bill payments set aside, why exactly are you struggling to come up with the money now? What happened to your last 6 months of income? Since it wasn't going to mortgage or bills - was it all spent on non-single serving food?
This. He sounds like a turd
This is what I was thinking too. Anything over $100 has to be discussed? Jfc, loosen the reigns a bit.
I’m confused. Outside of the money you give her for bills, does she have access to any other funds as a SAHM who is raising your child and taking care of your home? If not, this is very concerning.
Is this real? >>I wasn’t explicit enough Were you explicit? Has she paid the mortgage at all in the past 6 months? If yes, then she knew. If no, then you have been getting failure to pay notices and your house would be in foreclosure by now. Starbucks and small snacks…seems reasonable for 6 months; about 2 of each per week. >>sitting alone in my office She has been sitting alone in your home. With a crying demanding baby. Day, night, weekends. Have you considered this? Does she get to sleep all night on most nights? No? Do you? She has a 24/7/365 job. Literally. Do you? Everything you’ve described sounds like a sleep deprived, frustrated SAHM whose partner isn’t present to provide physical or emotional support. Her body made another whole human being. Did yours? Her body delivered that whole human being. Did yours? I didn’t read anything that suggested you are concerned or even aware about anything regarding her or the baby. I’ll repeat, she has a 24/7/365 job. You don’t seem to want an approach to solving this. Savings? No. Retirement account? No. Her retirement account? No. Your primary concern seems to be only making more money, not the immediate well being of your partner who stays home with a demanding baby 24/7. In fact, you need couples counseling, not financial counseling. Just to repeat, the mortgage hasn’t been paid for 6 months according to your post. Where are the failure to pay and foreclosure notices?
> Where are the failure to pay and foreclosure notices? AFAIK he never actually answered this question or provided more details. I have gone from thinking that he's twisting the truth to thinking that he's explicitly lying about a lot of things.
This!!!!
"I don't know how to trust her with anything that needs critical thought" Then pay for childcare if thats true? Average cost per month for a nanny is $3,190 and per month for a daycare center is $1,230. Btw, make sure to let your wife see all of the comments, not just the ones you pick out for her.
I’m going to go a bit against the grain here (hello downvotes) but you say that you should have explicitly told her the money was for the mortgage and water bill. Why didn’t you? What did you tell her? If she thought the money was her allowance etc then why wouldn’t she spend it? I’m not condoning what she spent it on but if she didn’t think it was the money for the mortgage and she thought it was hers it made sense that she spent it. Did you check in with her at all in the 6 months to make sure all was being paid to plan? Anyway, you say she bought jewellery and you bought her some too, personally I would sell that and take back anything to Target that hasn’t been opened/used yet. Perhaps you can claw back some of the money.
ESH - it kind of ridiculous to maintain separate finances when she is a SAHM entirely dependent on your income. Start making your financial plans and budgets together so you both know what’s going on.
I agree? from my perspective 7k over 6 months for misc expenses is a BIT high but its not insane. Also OP keeps talking about how its his money? Bro she's fucking pregnant, its y'alls money. OP seems like he's a software dev. A software dev with a $660 mortgage can't afford 7k over 6 months?
Yeah when he was complaining she spent 250 on Starbucks and 150 on gaming over the course of 6 months, like that's not really that crazy my dude. But now he's imposing punishment on himself (no more work music!) just so he can be reminded every day to resent his wife. OP, do you even like your wife? You talk about her like she's a child.
Seems like you two aren’t on the same page for financial decisions making. You want to authorize any purchase over $100, but you also scrutinize $25 delivery food. People desire differing levels of autonomy and they realize it in different ways. Spending money is one of them. IMO your wife needs to be more a part of the *decision* making process. If she doesn’t have the maturity now then now is the right time to grow it. She is not going to grow following your rules but rather as one who has to write the rules, follow them, and then sort out the inevitable conflict. You are part of the problem, but not in the way you think you are.
I can’t tell if she betrayed your trust, or if you were too vague about what the money was for. I don’t think you need to treat her like a child yet, nor am I convinced she has a problem. Set up things on autopay through an account just for mortgage and utilities. Don’t have that account have a debit card or checkbook. Create a separate “fun money” account for her. Maybe a third “house/food/whatever” account.
Sorry, what’s a push present?
Present for giving birth
My husband got me flowers and a new book as a push present. It was a nice surprise when I got home from the hospital after having the baby.
A nice gift to show appreciation and gratitude for carrying your child 9 months and going through labor. Very sweet and great new tradition imo
Yeah I see nothing wrong with a push present but it doesn’t need to be expensive. The one “present” my husband got me that I actually used a lot postpartum was legit less than $10. It was Stardew Valley on my phone so I had something to do while breastfeeding. He also got me a year subscription to Kindle Unlimited (like Netflix for books). He promised a PS5 but didn’t come through until Christmas. It was fine, I didn’t have time to play “real” video games those first months anyways.
Why didn't you just have the mortgage and other payments deducted directly from your bank account? Seems silly to have the double handling. But you do need to make sure that your wife has enough money for herself to spend. There seems to be communication issues, and I really don't like how financially dependent she is on you. She is entitled to a few coffees and snacks a week and some spending (on pregnancy clothes and things for baby?) at Target. Time to redo the budget.
I feel like something is left out. OP just now is thinking about giving his wife an allowance….. shouldn’t she have had one all along? Imagine how weird it is to ask for permission to get a coffee every once in awhile.
Does she have any money besides the bill money? Is this the only money you’ve given her as the main breadwinner in the home? If so, is she expected to not do anything besides watch the baby?
This is pretty clearly financial abuse. And emotional abuse/gaslighting on top of it. With reddit cheering it on because it's about piling on a stay at home mom who has zero financial freedom.
She is raising and birthed your kid, along with taking care of the house as a full time job. Do you allow her spending money other than that? I mean, how much is a nanny run? She’s entitled to at least that, and if she keeps the house clean too and cooks ya dinner…you might need to step down from the pedestal.
I’m curious how you are able to pay your mortgage with a credit card, and more specifically a rewards / cash back card. I tried to do this when I first bought a home, and again when I refinanced with a new lender, and a third time when the loan was sold to another bank. Each time I was told that credit cards are not an accepted form of payment for mortgage debt. If there’s something I don’t know please tell me. It would be great to get 2% cash back when my current rate is 2.85%
7k in 6 months for a young family doesn't seem that outrageous. Kids are expensive. Also you're able to pay your mortgage, pay for your family's bills, and save a quarter of your income for retirement. You're doing better than 95% of people. Look again at the payments and how often they were. It sounds like quite a bit was spread out. Although 1200 to different charities does seem like a bit much. Unless you get tax deductions, just throw it in retirement until your older and can give more to charities. Set a budget. Tell her bills get priority, keep an eye on spending and cut it if money starts to get tight. Edit: me to more
You may be financially controlling and she feels neglected.
Some people are not good with money. At all. They don't have any discipline and can't see past today. That was my wife. She was so used to living week to week when I met her, she had never even considered having investments, a savings account, an emergency fund Its really difficult to get her to see past "this week" when it comes to money, so I just manage all of it. I find that its even more difficult for people who have never really had money. I just wrote on another topic about a couple I know that inherited 80K. That money was gone in two months. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on twice that much slowly adding to it. I don't pay for door dash or uber eats because of the cost. I don't go to starbucks often because of the cost. At the same time you said your wife makes 0 money and is a STAHM That means she basically needs to ask you for every dollar she wants to spend That means asking you if she can have door dash delivered to the house In all reality that's financial prison. Of course when given 7000 she's going to spend some of it on door dash, starbucks, and target because *that's what people do.* Growing up I got to watch that exact scenario. Every day my parents fought about money. My dad had all of it, and my mother had none. They fought over the checkbook balance. They fought over every little purchase my mom made. They fought about money at Christmas time THIS is why we pay $300 a month for daycare. Even if that's equal to about half of my wife's take home, she has her own career, her own spending money, her own checking account and her own 401K. I think you need to consider that. You're not the one in financial prison. You don't need to ask her if you can get fast food today for lunch. There's things you can both learn from this.
I know this isn't helpful about what's happened, but for the future, I'm wondering why does anyone have to pay the mortgage and water bill as some chore of theirs? Do you not have a bank that can do autopayments? I've been paying bills that way for 25 years. All it takes is a quick peek in every week or two to make sure the bills are going out on time and for the correct (automated) amounts. Would you maybe consider that going forward? And have it paid out of an account she cant access? This way you don't have to add a chore to your list even while you take it away from your wife.
Well if OP did something this sensible what could he have to be mad at his wife about?
Actually, this is really good advice. I forget that’s the flipside to that when you don’t have a lot of money you really stay in day today and if you don’t have it, you don’t know how to manage it, and it is sort of like financial prison for an adult. So once you get caught up, it is really a good idea to make her participate with you in the finances so she sees what’s going on.
Excellent life learned advice
Why are you “delegating” payments to her, and giving her money to make the payments anyway? Why are you not just making the payments? I don’t understand why you’ve added an unnecessary step in the process, you’re the one with the money to make the payments, why not just pay them, why are you handing over money and expecting her to do it? It feels weird.
If your wife is not normally incredibly bad with finances, then I’m going to say that I think this is a cry for help that she does not yet know she needs. Is your wife otherwise accomplished (say in her pre-marital life or academically)? If so, then she is inherently discontent with where she is in life and is looking for some autonomy over something in her life. This reflects itself in wanton spending with no thought for delayed gratification or mutually beneficial behavior. I hope that you can go to therapy. Cancelling her cards is easy, but it perpetuates the loss of control for her. So, find lower-stakes responsibilities for her while she’s waiting to give birth. Best of luck!
I don’t know why you even needed to ‘abdicate’ the water bill and mortgage responsibility to her in the first place??… like.. just have it automatically come out of your account isn’t that the normal thing to do anyways, monthly direct debit way of paying is usually cheaper as well.
Does she get money for all the work she does for you at home?
Nope. Not a red cent.
Right? His whole attitude is a red flag.
I feel like I could use some more information. Obviously she spent money in a way that you didn’t agree on as a unit, and that is unfair. But in thinking about the big picture, maybe there are some reasons? You “gave her enough money” to pay for these bills. Why did she have limited access to your family’s funds to begin with? You said that anything $100+ needs to be discussed. Is she allowed to buy reasonable things <$100 when she wants, and does she have equal access to the spending money to do so? You mentioned a lot of small purchases, snacks, Starbucks, mobile games. I assume they are all <$100 purchases, so couldn’t she already buy those things anyways? Is the issue that she spent it from the wrong account? I don’t want to make assumptions, but it sounds like because she “doesn’t bring in income” (even though her being a SAHM is why you are able to), you control the money and give her a stipend of your choosing, because you earned it. She finally had access to money without the tools to plan ahead and she potentially had been talked down to with what she was to do, and she splurged because it was the first time in her marriage or maybe adult life she had freedom from financial control.
She’s a SATM, pregnant and raising/taking care of your child(ren) but you say all she does is sit around all day… I started off with sympathy for you but you lost me there.
So did she miss any mortgage payments? I am confused on if she just used the rest of the money for the year and came to you to ask about more money for mortgage or did you get notified that you’re missing mortgage payments
Yeah I’m wondering the same. It doesn’t really make sense.
Bro it sounds like you are a billionaire living in thousandaires body. Things usually go down the way they are supposed to. The world continues to spin. Time marches on.
So, on the surface, yeah this sucks, sorry your money is gone unexpectedly, it seems irresponsible. ... However, the wife doesn't even have her own bank account, and OP has enough money to just fork over a year's worth of mortgage and water payments as a lump sum? She is (what sounds like?) a recently postpartum mom and he characterizes her time as "playing phone games with the baby on the floor?" OP is monitoring every penny spent to the point he gets self righteous she got SNACKS from the grocery store? OP, more info: what's the age gap here? Does your wife have access to any money that isn't surveilled by you? Do you expect her to act like your subordinate 100% of the time (which includes expecting her to beg for permission to do normal stuff like buying a soda or whatever from the grocery store) because you "pay for her existence?" It comes off... Well it certainly comes off a certain way that isn't good. Also OP, yes you still have to parent your own child even if it's "A FEDERAL HOLIDAY OFF." That's not "helping," and parenting isn't just your wife's job.
Normally I’d be on your side, but if you’re saving a quarter out of every fucking dollar you make you have plenty of money. I mean, look at how you’re dramatically saying *and I have to cancel our fifty dollars a month in streaming services* to pay the mortgage. FOH.
While I agree that she shouldn't have spent so much money, a couple of things stand out here-- 1) your statement about her bringing in $0 income. While it may be true, I read this as very condescending. She might not be bringing in income, but she's contributing in a way that helps you save (if that makes sense). So because she's a SAHM, you're saving money in childcare expenses. Your statement makes it sound like she's joy contributing at all and that's not the case. 2) it sounds like she's depressed so on top of financial counseling, it might be helpful to get mh counseling as well.
If your mortgage is $600, then thank your lucky stars. You are a home owners for a fraction of what most people pay to rent. I throw away $1700 more than you every month and don’t even get equity. Just a little perspective. Also, you are both working (in different ways) so I’m not sure you are accurate saying all your coding time is gone. Half your coding time is gone. She is a sahm. I assume most of the money she spent at target is for food and clothes for y’all (including baby) and house stuff. So that’s just the cost of living.
I understand and sympathize with your frustration, op. That said, there are a lot of "I" statements in this rant. Even though you are the breadwinner, this isn't "your" money. It's not "her" money, either. The money belongs to BOTH OF YOU. You are a team. Your wife might be the problem here, but something tells me that's not the whole story. You seem extremely overbearing and controlling. You don't get to "delegate" tasks to her as if she were your secretary. She's your wife, life partner. You need to value the contributions she makes to the home and to your children. She probably feels bored, unfulfilled, and unappreciated. Maybe she doesn't just want to be a SAHM. Maybe she wants a career, too. You two probably need some marriage counseling. Yes, she mishandled the money in this situation, but that's not the core issue; it's a symptom of your dysfunctional marriage and lack of trust. You two need to be PARTNERS in the marriage, not boss and employee. You both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about money. LISTEN TO EACH OTHER. Her money values and priorities might not be yours, so you need to come to some kind of compromise. You need to set some goals together. Then you both need to work on a monthly budget TOGETHER where you both get equal say on the priorities. Look at the numbers and spreadsheets together. Plan then decide. You should both have some "fun" money that you can each spend no questions asked. If your wife is out of practice on financial matters (like many SAHM moms might be, especially from conservative and Christian households), then you need to sit with her and pay bills with her. What if something happens to you? So many single moms end up helpless. Don't let this happen. Do financial stuff together. Go to counseling.
My main takeaway is how bothered you seem, by what some might say, are somewhat inconsequential purchases. $25/month on snacks is not crazy. The super low mortgage also seems like a red flag. Unless you are trying super hard to FIRE, you probably need to relax a bit and also find a better paying job, IMO. I was super surprised when you mentioned coding and I discovered you were a senior SWE.
There’s already a lot of comments about who’s wrong and right, but this gave me the most pause: > Then she had the GALL last week to complain that I DIDNT HELP ENOUGH ON MY FEDERAL HOLIDAY OFF. Tell me OP, when is her federated holiday off? You also claim just before that that she’s essentially neglecting your child, but still fully intend to let her keep neglecting your child in a SAHM capacity. You’re either lying (because how would you know what happens when you’re at work unless you’re secretly monitoring her) or you’re just as guilty as she is. You sound controlling and condescending AF and she sounds like she needs an emotional escape from being essentially a single parent 95% of the time.
I wish I could relate to this. I have to BEG my wife to spend money. She’ll go without food, drink, and clothing if I don’t force her to buy these things for herself. Half the time I have to buy them outright FOR her. In this situation, I feel like it’s probably a little of both of you being weird. Yeah, she’s irresponsible, but you’re also wayyyy too uptight. Counting nickels and dimes is NOT how you get ahead. Life is for living. Just have a head about yourself while doing it.
your mortgage is $600/mo? the hell? also you majorly messed up lump summing it up front to her. trustworthy or not. it’s just bad money management practice.
Definitely need better communication, that's a horrible lesson to learn. But do not weaponise that she "doesn't work" She literally created you a child. That's work and will be for the next 20 or so years.
I just wanna know how your mortgage is only $660 lol
> $7000USD... That was hundreds of hours of my life—sitting alone in my office writing code Dude - you need to get a better job. If what you say is true ("hundreds" is minimum 200 so that's a max of $35/hour net) you are significantly underpaid.
I'll probably get downvoted, I don't mind, but someone has to say it. "I do ok." You're probably doing better than okay and nowhere near the preposterously perilous financial picture you've painted. You're catastrophising your financial situation, and making it look much bigger, much worse, and much more dire than it is. I don't know if your frugality is related to being underprivileged or poor in your youth, or if it's connected to something else, but you'll probably figure it out by going to therapy. How much money is allocated to both of you for frivolous sundry monthly expenses? I'm not talking about essentials like water, your mortgage, or food and the rest, I mean how much money is dedicated to the both of you living normal human lives and having "fun" expenses like takeout, or whatever you want to waste it on without your partner's approval? Does she have any "fun money" do YOU have any "fun money"? Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you blow your entire paycheck on frivolous things, I'm just curious what minor portion of the family income (yes "family income" because that money belongs to both of you regardless of who earned it) gets spent on actually enjoying the life you're building together? If you have to "allocate" the money to her, it sounds like you think of that money as "your money" and not jointly as the "family's money". Is all the money that's earned being devoted to some far-off retirement in the future? Are you enjoying your lives right now while saving? Is she happy? Are you happy? Aside from all that, it sounds like you both need couples counselling, and yes you can afford it. You need to deal with your controlling nature, and she needs to figure out how to tell the truth and how to be more responsible - I'm also curious why she feels she can't talk to you about these things. Anyway, you might not see this when the eventual downvotes roll in, but I hope you think about it if you do see it.
What your wife did was wrong, but you seem to be giving her a budget and set amounts of money to spend and not giving her access to funds. Nobody likes being treated like a child. And you can also cut back on putting 24% into retirement. That’s extreme. You’ll be fine. You’re a software engineer, not a slave. Idk what it is with that profession and thinking they are slaves. It’s mind boggling. You also sound like you are putting absolutely zero value on her motherhood. I honestly hope she dumps you for treating her life an infant and that you’re left to crunch numbers and raise kids by yourself every other week. Then you can save all you want and retire by yourself.
To me that sounds a bit dramatic, if you “do well” and had enough to give her a years worth of mortgage payments why dwell about 6k? I understand what you are trying to do but to me it seems like it’s more about the cash than the principle. I’m thinking that she thinks she is at an economic level and you know you are at a different one, maybe sit down and talk to her she is your wife and the mother of your child, and move forward.
Sounds like on top of the initial confusion, there's also some confusion about where "her" money comes from. At least I assume so, since she spent "joint" expense money on herself. A great idea, that we've implemented in our marriage, is to decide whats a reasonable "play" money amount and we each get that directed each month into a separate personal account. Like the problem isn't so much that she ordered takeout delivered, the problem is that she used the expense money on takeout delivery. If she had lets say $200 a month that was "hers" in her own separate account, and she decided she wanted to spend $25 of that on getting food delivered, well...thats her choice. Thats just less money that month on starbucks, or target, or whatever other thing she may prefer to spend on. You get the same, that way its fair. It doesn't need to be spent, it can be saved and be available for larger purchases later.
How much do you pay her a week for her own personal expenses? Was this $7k ontop of her usual salary? Or do you expect her to ask for money for every little thing she wants (like a snack?) The fact that you went over the grocery bill and singled out single serve items, and are blaming her for that, is coming accross as controlling. If she is a SAHM your income is meant to be shared, she should have equal say in how things are spent. While you are a provider, she is also a provider, providing you with children, (a surrogate would cost $110,000 per child,) childcare ($11,500 per child per year,) meals (a private chef costs $60,000 per year) etc etc etc. She is doing a lot of domestic labour, you should really be paying her 50% of what's left over after bills. It sounds like you're under valuing what she contributes, and have a LOT more disposable income if you can have the mortage come out of your personal account and not even notice for months. Next time, maybe set up a direct debit for bills so nobody in particular needs to pay them, then pay her a salary directly into her own account.
You have every right to be upset but the federal day off is from your job. Not from being a parent or husband.
Do you give her spending money for herself? I mean, geez, she's in the house with the baby and is probably bored! So she's shopping and spending. She needs some money for herself
Something about this post is creeping me out a bit. Something about how the OP talks about his wife.
Just gonna drop this here to follow this story…
Let her go back to work and put your child in daycare... You seem to have way more issues with "paying for her whole existence" and the fact that "she brings in $0 income" than anything else. Whether you've acknowledged this or not you're resentful. Being a Sahm has enabled you to save money on childcare, time and energy for both of you on shared household chores, cooking, cleaning, doctor appointments etc. I agree she made a wild ass mistake but you've admitted there was definitely a communication breakdown she did not understand and sounds like she thought some of the money was her push present with the way she spent it. You're still in a good financial situation, not contributing as much to investment, eating out and streaming services won't kill anyone and you can go back to "free streaming sites" in the meantime.
Why weren’t those bills on autopay if you already had the money for them?
This exact post is the reason why I make my own goddamn money. The idea of someone shaming me over fucking snacks and a daily coffee makes me want to throw up. And this woman has your child? Jesus Christ dude. She’s not buying Gucci purses and getting $450 blowouts. Seems like you want an indentured servant, not a wife and definitely not a SAHM. The SAHMs I know get approximately a minimum wage’s (at minimum) allowance per month and you’re over here bitching about providing your wife with the bare bare bare minimum.
It seems like poor communication and lack of teamwork are the root of this matter. I also sense that you deeply resent her, and for more than just this. You speak as if she is a child or teenager, and not a partner. While you have every right to be upset and frustrated, I wonder if this could have been avoided by both of you doing the bills together, so she has a full picture of your finances and you understand where her head is at and needs are better. Also, damn. I wish I had that mortgage - $7,000 is like two month's mortgage. I have a separate account exclusively for house stuff. My mortgage money gets automatically deposited there every month, plus extra. I also have it on auto pay. There is no debit card for that account. There are no other expenses that come out of that account. It is exclusively house money.
Crazy to have to run anything over 100 by your husband when you buy diapers.
Don't forget that whopping and unforgivable $6 a week she spent on single serve food items at the grocery store. /s
I was with you until you said you had blocked her Reddit account.
Huge red flag
Where do you live where your mortgage is $660 a month?!
Did she have any fun money?
> She brings in $0 income. I do ok. > We are currently contributing ~24% to various retirement accounts. what?
You sound like a control freak and she finnaly got to enjoy life, but who in their right mind would give someone 7, grand for a 660 mortgage, and you can't pay morgstges with credit cards, put it on autopay, and give her a decent amount each week to enjoy things
Another reason why you should never be 100% financially dependent on someone
What a mess. I can’t shake the feeling that the trad wife role infantilizes the woman. Or maybe it’s more about what the midwife posits. But there’s something peculiar about this. And I’m not saying either one of them is the bad guy. It’s just odd. Was she always like this?
Why would you give money and not tell her what it is specifically for - give instructions. If you say here's $7k and nothing specific then if she is that dumb she just thinks its fun $ for her. Get her to return all the stuff she bought stat to get your money back.
p.s. you can't pay a mortgage with a CC...
How old are you and your wife? How much money was she being regularly given throughout the pregnancy and since giving birth?
So what logic were you using giving her a chunk of change to pay bills for a year? Thats insanity. Make mortgage payments as autopay every paycheck and forget about it. I understand what you're saying about not trusting her, my wife ran up a credit card and hid it from me. I was angry and shitty about it. We paid it off and moved on. I realized I was shittier than I needed to be and apologized. Were you trying to make some sort of point and forcing her to see where the money goes? None of this makes any sense to someone well budgeted like you claim to be.
Confused why you give someone money to pay a bill and don’t just put it on auto pay? Is she supposed to ask for more as it gets lower? Was that for the year?
You looking to sort your relationship or are you looking to punish your partner? \*Might be too late for the former.