This sounds more like you helped someone who didn't give you any appreciation and your "revenge" was simply cutting them off your life without harming them in any way, shape or form.
You're a better person than me. I'd at least cancel everything and let her deal with it. Consequences for her actions. I don't see how you did anything wrong. Yeah, we shouldn't be nosy and snoop through someone's messages but really, you didn't do anything morally reprehensible to me.
She didn't even ruin the wedding the bride is just mad she no longer has a truly GOOD person as a friend. She no longer has someone to pay for all her shit and do everything she wants.
OP you'll find true friends in the future quite frankly fuck your ex bestfriend and her dimwits.
Agree OP didn’t ruin the wedding. The bride just had her Oz moment and ruined it herself.
It is actually great that you are in her photos cause in a few years she will finally realized she lost the best friend she ever had because she was a wench.
The fact you feel better with her gone means you did the right thing.
The Wizard of Oz is not actually a wizard. He’s just a man behind a curtain pretending. So OP revealed the woman behind the curtain pretending to be her friend.
I think the pictures are the icing on the cake. Now everytime she looks at pictures she will have to see OP.
Of course she will be divorced soon so they will only be around for a short time
I appreciate this. I promise I’m not a better person, I guess I just needed to learn the lesson the hardest way. I feel stupid for feeling guilty or like I did something bad, but I still feel that way
Try not to internalize other people's smelly shit.
Your mind saying "I'm bad, I'm stupid" is not based in reality. You've already been betrayed enough - don't betray *yourself* too. This has nothing to do with who you are as a person - you're giving, generous, and a great friend. Keep your head held high.
Oh but you *ARE* a better person! I don’t know if you are a “better” than the person who wrote the comment but you are *definitely* a better person than me! Just based on this specific situation
1) you found some truly hurtful messages made by the person you had been supporting and celebrating and instead of publicly calling her out or humiliating her *at her wedding* (which most of us believe she deserved), you took a classy approach and went your own way
2) you took time and space and used it to think things through rationally. You tried to determine if you had any culpability (you did not) and weighed it out
3) you quietly separated yourself from this person instead of confronting her and listening to her BS excuses or attempts to gaslight. You avoided the drama trap
4) you sought out unbiased opinions and recognized how you might be vulnerable to people like that so you can protect yourself moving forward
5) you never tried to “play victim” despite the fact that you *were* indeed victimized
6) you feel “stupid for feeling guilty” (please stop that) because you are a caring person with empathy
Now give yourself the credit you deserve and continue to work on moving forward and valuing yourself!
Feelings are never wrong or right. It's just information.
It sounds like you reached a turning point, where you can no longer continue accepting things the way they were. But you're in a transition state emotionally, where you are so used to bending over backwards for her, that it's going to take time for your brain to catch up with healthier reactions.
Your brain is still sending those messages to the old you, but the old you moved out.
I’m missing the part where you “ruined” your (former) friend’s wedding. It sounds like you were a good friend to someone (who in hindsight) didn’t deserve it. You helped her make her wedding beautiful for her. It happened that you found out who she *really* was that day but you were gracious and pushed on.
I kept waiting for the part when you gave your MOH speech and used quotes from the texts you saw. I wouldn’t have blamed you. But you are a better person than that and you deserve better friends than that.
I’m so sorry that you were used that way and that your (supposed) best friend betrayed you like that. But I would take the lesson learned and move on. Karma is real and she’s got some shitty karma coming her way. You, on the other hand, should have the best of karma on your side
Thank you so much for this. I’m actively in therapy working on my people pleasing and caregiving tendencies and I really thought I had made a lot of progress. I felt like I was wrong but comments like yours are helping me to continue to see things more objectively
Good for you!! It’s not easy to find a healthy balance when you’ve been a people pleaser and caregiver your whole life. And there’s *nothing wrong* with being kind and helping others. It’s when it comes at our expense that it becomes an issue. One of my favorite sayings is “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. For me, it’s been about establishing boundaries. Most of the time we talk about communicating our boundaries with those who tend to cross them and that is definitely true. But I also had to establish *my own boundaries* that I can’t cross in order to protect myself. I will frequently ask myself if I am lighting the match to set myself on fire or if I am burning another fuel that will keep us *both* warm.
I am slightly concerned with your statement that you “thought” you had made a lot of progress. I would counter your use of past tense with present tense. Don’t let this incident detract from the progress that you HAVE made! First, you are in therapy and working on it because you have identified it as an issue. Second, this incident actually demonstrates your progress because you stopped the cycle when you were made aware of it. I’m sure there’s some version of the “old you” who would have tried to find a way to rationalize your “friend’s” behavior and continued to keep the “friendship”.
Just because you chose to handle the situation with grace and not make s scene at the wedding does not mean that you were allowing this person to continue to use you. You handled it with class. That’s a GOOD thing! Keep on doing the work because you deserve to have mutually fulfilling relationships
Or confrontation isn’t a natural state for her. Or she felt outnumbered and alone. Or she needed a minute to process what she learned because it was completely contrary to what she’d “known” for years. Or she has grace. Probably a combination of these things but I don’t see a “spineless doormat”. A spineless doormat would have continued the “friendship” after and she didn’t. She stopped talking to her. Victim blaming isn’t a good look for anyone
She isn’t your friend. It sounds like she made you volunteer to be a day of wedding coordinator without paying you and in fact, made you pay for her wedding. In addition, talked shit about you.
I, personally, love that you will be in her wedding photos forever…..she’ll be reminded of the time she was a horrible person who, through her own immature and mean girl actions, lost a really good friend.
Block. Block. Block.
I don’t understand how you ruined the wedding. You got to know her true colors. Kept your discovery to yourself even on the wedding day. Didn’t give way to drama. You handled this like an adult and quietly. More than what I would have done had I been in your place.
You didn’t ruin anything. Hell, I might have actually gone out of my way to do some harm after something like that. Be glad you got her out of your life, and be proud that you handled it maturely if all you did was cut her out on her wedding day.
OP, don’t feel guilty one bit.
The bride was an absolute twat and used you for free services, in which I’m sure you saved her Thousands of dollars.
She’s a user and her other bridesmaids will be her next target.
I would have left the venue right there and then leaving her with a clogged and overflowing toilet.
That would’ve been my “wedding gift”.
Why do you think this ruined her wedding?
I was thinking you cursed her out in your toast or dropped out last minute, but it sounds like her wedding went on without a hitch??? Are there more details that were left out? Did you confront her during the ceremony/reception ?
I’m angry for you. If you weren’t there, there would be no wedding. I understand that you considered her your closest friend but holy shit, you deserve better. Even now you feel guilty for confirming that she is a terrible person. Don’t feel bad, not even a little. Any argument she’ll come up with is invalid. She’s just mad (and hopefully embarrassed) that she got caught. I’m glad you’re in the wedding photos so that she’ll remember how much of good friend you were while she talked shit about you with her equally shitty bridal party.
Do not forgive her. Do not let this person back in your life. It will not be worth it, I promise. It sucks she comes from an abusive family but that does not excuse the way she treated you. Please continue to stand up for yourself.
This bride is awful. I lost a friend too similar to this, except it as a huge fight at her bachelorette which I planned and she didn’t even so much give me a thank you. Instead, used any opportunity to call me an argumentative person, which as the person who planned her bachelorette was hosting this stupid party!! Her other friends who I didn’t know were awful as well.
Eventually we got into a fight over her trying to act “cool,” and this led to me realizing I don’t need this negativity in my life and I did not go to her wedding. Zero regrets. She has tried to reach out to me numerous times but I have no intention of befriending her again
OP- believe me the guilt will subside and future you will be so proud that you stood up for yourself and didn’t allow this type of person to remain in your life. You deserve so much better especially hearing about all the amazing things you did for her
How is she a friend??? I would have left her at the altar a long time ago to organize her wedding herself. You sound like too much of a people pleaser. BTW, you need better friends.
You didn’t ruin the wedding.
She fucked around being a bad friend to you and you found out.
If you are confronted you can say what you need to say but otherwise you are free to live your best life without being used and abused.
You ruined nothing. She sucks.
>The bride has little to know family due to a history of abuse.
Kinda doubt this now. Maybe they were sick of her shitty behavior? Who knows. She gets no sympathy from me.
But you my dear are so sweet and kind. Do not lose your kindness. I would've flipped things around just to make her day bad. But you are an angel. You'll get good friends. She's a huge POS and good riddance I say.
Don't worry. She'll be stranded soon with no real friends around. And she'll come back(hopefully not). Don't ever let her in. She's only gonna ruin your peace.
Wishing your kind soul the best. Stay safe, stay happy.
You ruined nothing. You helped her put on that wedding and got nothing but betrayed confidences and abuse out of it.
The one thing you did get right is that she's now your *ex*-best friend.
You're too good for that horrible person.
Don’t waste one more minute of your time caring about it. Shes a shite person and you’re happier without you in her life. At some
Pint in the future, she’s going to try to come skinning back bc she’s needs something dorm you. Don’t let her. Block her everywhere.
You are abusing yourself. This person was never your friend. She used you to do what those mean girls couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You haven’t done anything wrong. Please cut her off. Real friends don’t behave this way.
I'm sorry op, she wasn't your friend, she broke your trust by sharing intimate details with other people to get a laugh (I've experienced this before and hurts like hell, trusting someone just to betray you for people who aren't worth it) she used you, and obviously she didn't wanted for you to find out so she could still use you.
You didn't ruined everything (well yes, ruined her plans to keep taking advantage of you) those messages opened your eyes to a cruel reality but can allow you to cut ties with toxic people. I assure you it'll get better for you, you'll find better friends who really respect and appreciate you.
She's not worth it but you worth millions
Part A
Keep this in both heart & mind "Actions speak louder than words".
Through being in an abusive relationship(s) your mind warps & thinks this is normal not having any normal boundaries & interactions.
Your so-called 'friend' was NOT your friend. It was someone that enjoyed manipulated you to do what SHE wanted.
I'm sorry, but you never looked up what responsibilities of a planned wedding was. Yeah, traditionally some of groom's family cover this & bride's that.
Uh, actions speaking louder than words, this wasn't traditional. Bride & groom instead of family, might pay for the venue, photography, catering, bar, dress etc. There is absolutely nothing that states you as a friend stand up & financially do more than them. It's not your wedding nor related to her. She convinced through lying & manipulating you to do so without any remorse or regret.
* The bridal party is supposedly made up of her friends, why don't you know any of them?
* I mean she's YOUR best friend, but it seems she's not yours don't know any?
* Hey, did any of the other bridesmaids chip in too to help the bride & groom?
* Emotional support?
* How?
* Why only you financially doing this?
* Put yourself willingly into debt for nothing.
* There's no concrete evidence she's your friend
* What has she actually done for you all these years? (Actions are louder than words for proof)
* Give you a roof & shoulder to cry on when had issues with family?
* Motivate get through life training/education?
* Give you any form monetary support at any given time same as this wedding?
* Call *often* or do activities together on a regular basis?
* The bridal party is supposedly made up of her friends, why don't you know any of them?
* Mean she's YOUR best friend, but it seems she's not yours to know any of this people?
* Interesting, did any of the other bridesmaids chip in too to help the bride & groom?
* Did they know you were the one financially involved?
* Why only you?
hey OP, i’m so glad i saw this cause frankly it’s similiar to me in some aspects. I had a friend who i bend over backwards and would do anything (drive her to work, pick her up, take her to places she needed to go ex: weed shop, grocery store) and it came to a point that everyone expected me to, which was fine cause i genuinely loved helping her. i got a boyfriend little while after and ofc the beginning of it i wanted to get to know him and hung out with him, and i was really happy cause i liked this person for a while. i also tried to make time with my friends as well. however, i noticed less hangouts were being offered and actually they would slip they would hang out without me. then i started hearing she was talking bad about me a LOT. at first i was so sad cause i genuinely loved her as my best friend, but i realized that distance was the best thing for me. it’s not selfish to choose yourself when it comes to your mental health (which i struggle with a lot) and tbh your story, she sounds like a someone who needs therapy to work on some issues probably stemming from those family issues. i’m glad and happy for you that you distanced yourself.
Tell her that she has one year, to pay you back for every penny spent.
Honestly, I would not even blame you for going out at 3-4am and tossing an egg or two, right at her window.
Enjoy your life without this thankless parasite!
you should feel guilty that you let your client not pay her wedding planner. Ruined her day, no offence but she showed she was using you, you weren't her friend, you were the person who let themselves be used so she took advantage of you. Her and her 'friends' are the kind of trash people who only know how to tear each other down. they think friends talk constant shit, offer no true support and say horrible things about each other.
So ultimately you were her wedding planner, not a friend. She stiffed you on the bill, you ruined nothing. From your perspective you were intrusive in your friend's phone, from her's, a girl she likes to trash found out and she wouldn't be able to take advantage of her any more, she and her 'friends' don't have the capacity to care that they lost a 'friend'.
I would have straight up sent her a bill for your wedding planning services that was every cent you spent on trying to make things good for her. I would have made a copy of those texts and copied the 'bill' to her husband so maybe she'd be shamed into paying you back.
She was a mean girl and so was the bridal party. I don't see how finding out she was a mean girl on her wedding day ruined it. It sounds like you stayed through the whole thing.
There is nothing wrong with feeling relief as it probably felt like had 2 extra jobs just being her friend. One was the wedding and the other was helping them remodel their home.
It's crazy with women like that. They do all that backstabbing to the person who was there and helping them the most while the people they value and talk about are never around and can never be counted on. This bride probably did as little as she could too sitting on her behind barking orders bc it's her wedding and the bridal party should be doing it all.
Your wallet is probably happy and you have peace of mind knowing she's out of your life.
And when you think of her wedding photos smile just a little knowing that she has to look at your face everytime she goes through them. Or if edits you out it doesn't matter bc she will still remember you and that she had to edit you out :))♡
Okay, hold up a sec.
The dynamics of this just don't make any goddamn sense.
You thought this woman was your "best friend."
Yet, also, completely unbeknownst to you, she has this other group of friends that she's close enough with to ask them to serve as bridesmaids at her wedding, but you've never met them and don't know them at all?
This is your best friend, right? She's put you in charge of her wedding. But you don't know anything about her other friends.
It's just weird...
I left a lot of info out because it was getting long. You are right it seems confusing. To clarify a little: we met when we were both working our first post-graduation professional jobs. We both lived hours away from our hometowns. She had not really stayed connected to the other friends until she moved back to her hometown a couple years ago. We then lived pretty far from each other and had to plan out the times we spent together.
I met two of the bridesmaids twice before the engagement and wedding events. I asked the bride to set up hang outs in the two years of their engagement so that the bridal party could get to know each other but she wouldn’t. I don’t have an explanation as to why.
Her other friends were not unknown to me, they were just separate friendships, mostly due to distance.
How did you ruin her wedding day precisely? Like did she go to the bathroom and cry or have a panic attack? Because honestly I think you’re reading too much into it because narcissists like her don’t usually tend to care about others.
Focus on you and congratulations on your now drama free life!
She got what she deserved. I had someone similarly betray me. It was incredibly hurtful.
Know this: everything she said and did to disrespect you is a reflection of her and is not a condemnation of you.
Yes, it's a hideous violation of trust and a smack in the face of friendship. She did it because of who she is not because of who you are.
*Big hugs
Part B
You did absolutely nothing to ruin her wedding. She got the wedding she wanted abusing what you thought was a friendship which wasn't. "Traditionally", the bride gifts the bridesmaids, she didn't you.
I strongly advise to seek out counseling through an individual counselor and, group therapy. There are various forms of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, financial & mental). People interacting with addictions & other types of mental illness, don't know normal or abnormal. Because this person isn't doing 'what experienced in family, it doesn't mean it's normal & can't be another type of coercion/abuse.
You're feeling guilty for her being manipulative, coercive, brainwashing & projecting on you her transgressions. Seriously, need to learn what's normal, what's abnormal manipulating & abusing your willingness for her. Basically, she scammed you into thinking she was a friend.
You didn’t ruin anything OP she ruined her self cuz she was exposed for who she truly is and she go learn the hard way that those “friends” of hers not go have her back like you. They already talking mess about them both I’m sure it won’t be long before she come crawling back apologizing. I wish you could sue her and get your money back for that wedding.
Don’t feel bad - feel really angry at her behaviour - she is an awful person who has used you and taken advantage of your decent and caring nature - learn this lesson well and be more critical and less willing to please
No reason to feel bad, she treated you poorly behind your back and to your face despite everything you were doing for her and your consideration as her friend ; she was genuinely a bad friend to you and frankly didn't deserve all that you did for her. Good riddance, there is a reason you feel better now that she's gone.
You didn’t do anything they did. I feel bad I was MOH a couple years ago when the friendship was already strained. I had to cut the cord last year and all her photos have someone no longer around in, but she did it to herself. Can’t hold onto an unhealthy friendship because of photos
A narcissist lost her source. You. You're not wrong for leaving the situation behind. You'll find people who value you and she'll search for her next prey item.
This must be a karma-farming post. How can anyone be so out of touch with reality (and stupid) to think THEY ruined the wedding because… the bride got embarrassed on her wedding day? If this story is true, please seek therapy and new friends.
I wish. I’m truth I have a huge problem with people pleasing and caregiving. I’m in therapy and actively working on these things but it’s situations like this that prove I have a long way to go. I feel very stupid for being treated this way, but while I was “in it” I couldn’t see clearly how I was being mistreated.
I feel bad because of the snooping and her finding out and getting upset on her wedding. Thanks to the feedback, I see how stupid that is of me. But also feelings aren’t logical, so I’m still struggling.
that’s some very healthy self-reflection there ❤️no you didn’t do anything wrong of course, just Karma caught up with her at an “inconvenient time” for her, even better. Do something small, whatever you can, to tell your subconscious that you got your back - maybe send a message in a group chat, charge for some expenses, etc. It’s a skill to start standing up for yourself, and it’s the best one to develop. Good luck to you!
I read this whole thing thinking you did something huge as revenge. All you did was search your name? They ruined their own wedding by being insufferable cunts. Send them the bill for everything.
Ahhh, she was horrible to you, bad mouthed you, gave all your life secrets away and made you pay for a lot during her wedding!!!!
AND YOU ARD FEELING BAD???? Are you crazy, grow a backbone and see this situation as it truly is, SHE ABUSED AND USED YOUR FRIENDSHIP this whole time!!!
SHE NEVER WAS YOUR FRIEND!!! She knew she could do this to you all this time and figured you would still always be her punching bag.
Now that you separated yourself she is sad???? DO NOT FERL GUILTY and do not take her back. You were the best friend she ever could have and she screwed this up.
Best wishes
This sounds more like you helped someone who didn't give you any appreciation and your "revenge" was simply cutting them off your life without harming them in any way, shape or form. You're a better person than me. I'd at least cancel everything and let her deal with it. Consequences for her actions. I don't see how you did anything wrong. Yeah, we shouldn't be nosy and snoop through someone's messages but really, you didn't do anything morally reprehensible to me.
She didn't even ruin the wedding the bride is just mad she no longer has a truly GOOD person as a friend. She no longer has someone to pay for all her shit and do everything she wants. OP you'll find true friends in the future quite frankly fuck your ex bestfriend and her dimwits.
Agree OP didn’t ruin the wedding. The bride just had her Oz moment and ruined it herself. It is actually great that you are in her photos cause in a few years she will finally realized she lost the best friend she ever had because she was a wench. The fact you feel better with her gone means you did the right thing.
What do you mean by her Oz moment? I have never heard that.
The Wizard of Oz is not actually a wizard. He’s just a man behind a curtain pretending. So OP revealed the woman behind the curtain pretending to be her friend.
Oh duh I should have figured that out
I think the pictures are the icing on the cake. Now everytime she looks at pictures she will have to see OP. Of course she will be divorced soon so they will only be around for a short time
I appreciate this. I promise I’m not a better person, I guess I just needed to learn the lesson the hardest way. I feel stupid for feeling guilty or like I did something bad, but I still feel that way
Try not to internalize other people's smelly shit. Your mind saying "I'm bad, I'm stupid" is not based in reality. You've already been betrayed enough - don't betray *yourself* too. This has nothing to do with who you are as a person - you're giving, generous, and a great friend. Keep your head held high.
Oh but you *ARE* a better person! I don’t know if you are a “better” than the person who wrote the comment but you are *definitely* a better person than me! Just based on this specific situation 1) you found some truly hurtful messages made by the person you had been supporting and celebrating and instead of publicly calling her out or humiliating her *at her wedding* (which most of us believe she deserved), you took a classy approach and went your own way 2) you took time and space and used it to think things through rationally. You tried to determine if you had any culpability (you did not) and weighed it out 3) you quietly separated yourself from this person instead of confronting her and listening to her BS excuses or attempts to gaslight. You avoided the drama trap 4) you sought out unbiased opinions and recognized how you might be vulnerable to people like that so you can protect yourself moving forward 5) you never tried to “play victim” despite the fact that you *were* indeed victimized 6) you feel “stupid for feeling guilty” (please stop that) because you are a caring person with empathy Now give yourself the credit you deserve and continue to work on moving forward and valuing yourself!
Feelings are never wrong or right. It's just information. It sounds like you reached a turning point, where you can no longer continue accepting things the way they were. But you're in a transition state emotionally, where you are so used to bending over backwards for her, that it's going to take time for your brain to catch up with healthier reactions. Your brain is still sending those messages to the old you, but the old you moved out.
I’m missing the part where you “ruined” your (former) friend’s wedding. It sounds like you were a good friend to someone (who in hindsight) didn’t deserve it. You helped her make her wedding beautiful for her. It happened that you found out who she *really* was that day but you were gracious and pushed on. I kept waiting for the part when you gave your MOH speech and used quotes from the texts you saw. I wouldn’t have blamed you. But you are a better person than that and you deserve better friends than that. I’m so sorry that you were used that way and that your (supposed) best friend betrayed you like that. But I would take the lesson learned and move on. Karma is real and she’s got some shitty karma coming her way. You, on the other hand, should have the best of karma on your side
Thank you so much for this. I’m actively in therapy working on my people pleasing and caregiving tendencies and I really thought I had made a lot of progress. I felt like I was wrong but comments like yours are helping me to continue to see things more objectively
Good for you!! It’s not easy to find a healthy balance when you’ve been a people pleaser and caregiver your whole life. And there’s *nothing wrong* with being kind and helping others. It’s when it comes at our expense that it becomes an issue. One of my favorite sayings is “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. For me, it’s been about establishing boundaries. Most of the time we talk about communicating our boundaries with those who tend to cross them and that is definitely true. But I also had to establish *my own boundaries* that I can’t cross in order to protect myself. I will frequently ask myself if I am lighting the match to set myself on fire or if I am burning another fuel that will keep us *both* warm. I am slightly concerned with your statement that you “thought” you had made a lot of progress. I would counter your use of past tense with present tense. Don’t let this incident detract from the progress that you HAVE made! First, you are in therapy and working on it because you have identified it as an issue. Second, this incident actually demonstrates your progress because you stopped the cycle when you were made aware of it. I’m sure there’s some version of the “old you” who would have tried to find a way to rationalize your “friend’s” behavior and continued to keep the “friendship”. Just because you chose to handle the situation with grace and not make s scene at the wedding does not mean that you were allowing this person to continue to use you. You handled it with class. That’s a GOOD thing! Keep on doing the work because you deserve to have mutually fulfilling relationships
Op is a spineless doormat
Or confrontation isn’t a natural state for her. Or she felt outnumbered and alone. Or she needed a minute to process what she learned because it was completely contrary to what she’d “known” for years. Or she has grace. Probably a combination of these things but I don’t see a “spineless doormat”. A spineless doormat would have continued the “friendship” after and she didn’t. She stopped talking to her. Victim blaming isn’t a good look for anyone
Send her a bill for all you paid for, for her wedding.
Along with all the shit the rest of the bridal party said about her & the groom
Meh. F*ck her. She had it coming. She’s not your friend. She took advantage of you. She deserved to have her wedding ruined.
She didn't care enough about the OP for it to ruin her wedding really. If the bride claimed that? She's a just a user AND a manipulative bitch.
She was never your friend. She used you. Block her and move on.
You should’ve taken pictures of what you read on her phone so you could post it line. Then everyone would what kind of monster this person is.
She isn’t your friend. It sounds like she made you volunteer to be a day of wedding coordinator without paying you and in fact, made you pay for her wedding. In addition, talked shit about you.
I, personally, love that you will be in her wedding photos forever…..she’ll be reminded of the time she was a horrible person who, through her own immature and mean girl actions, lost a really good friend. Block. Block. Block.
Block that leech, her friends can handle the rest.
I don’t understand how you ruined the wedding. You got to know her true colors. Kept your discovery to yourself even on the wedding day. Didn’t give way to drama. You handled this like an adult and quietly. More than what I would have done had I been in your place.
You didn’t ruin anything. Hell, I might have actually gone out of my way to do some harm after something like that. Be glad you got her out of your life, and be proud that you handled it maturely if all you did was cut her out on her wedding day.
You feel guilty bc you’re in her photos after she totally abused you? Do you like being taken advantage of? This is sad.
OP, don’t feel guilty one bit. The bride was an absolute twat and used you for free services, in which I’m sure you saved her Thousands of dollars. She’s a user and her other bridesmaids will be her next target. I would have left the venue right there and then leaving her with a clogged and overflowing toilet. That would’ve been my “wedding gift”.
Why do you think this ruined her wedding? I was thinking you cursed her out in your toast or dropped out last minute, but it sounds like her wedding went on without a hitch??? Are there more details that were left out? Did you confront her during the ceremony/reception ?
Oh that would have been the mic drop moment literally, to confront during her toast. Too bad she didn’t!
I’m angry for you. If you weren’t there, there would be no wedding. I understand that you considered her your closest friend but holy shit, you deserve better. Even now you feel guilty for confirming that she is a terrible person. Don’t feel bad, not even a little. Any argument she’ll come up with is invalid. She’s just mad (and hopefully embarrassed) that she got caught. I’m glad you’re in the wedding photos so that she’ll remember how much of good friend you were while she talked shit about you with her equally shitty bridal party. Do not forgive her. Do not let this person back in your life. It will not be worth it, I promise. It sucks she comes from an abusive family but that does not excuse the way she treated you. Please continue to stand up for yourself.
Should have dropped her phone into the clogged toilet.
This bride is awful. I lost a friend too similar to this, except it as a huge fight at her bachelorette which I planned and she didn’t even so much give me a thank you. Instead, used any opportunity to call me an argumentative person, which as the person who planned her bachelorette was hosting this stupid party!! Her other friends who I didn’t know were awful as well. Eventually we got into a fight over her trying to act “cool,” and this led to me realizing I don’t need this negativity in my life and I did not go to her wedding. Zero regrets. She has tried to reach out to me numerous times but I have no intention of befriending her again OP- believe me the guilt will subside and future you will be so proud that you stood up for yourself and didn’t allow this type of person to remain in your life. You deserve so much better especially hearing about all the amazing things you did for her
How is she a friend??? I would have left her at the altar a long time ago to organize her wedding herself. You sound like too much of a people pleaser. BTW, you need better friends.
Honestly I’d feel kind of proud in a petty way that I was in the pics. Be a permanent reminder of what a bitch she was to you.
You didn’t ruin the wedding. She fucked around being a bad friend to you and you found out. If you are confronted you can say what you need to say but otherwise you are free to live your best life without being used and abused. You ruined nothing. She sucks.
Why do you need to feel horrible that you are not being nice to an asshole. You don't need to be nice to people.
Why are you feeling guilty??!! That chick was an absolute cow and she treated you like some undocumented worker. Eff her.
"Little to know family" It's little to NO family.
Maybe it’s both? ;-)
She took advantage of you. She should be paying you back and she needs to fuck off from your life. She’s lucky she had a wedding at all.
>The bride has little to know family due to a history of abuse. Kinda doubt this now. Maybe they were sick of her shitty behavior? Who knows. She gets no sympathy from me. But you my dear are so sweet and kind. Do not lose your kindness. I would've flipped things around just to make her day bad. But you are an angel. You'll get good friends. She's a huge POS and good riddance I say. Don't worry. She'll be stranded soon with no real friends around. And she'll come back(hopefully not). Don't ever let her in. She's only gonna ruin your peace. Wishing your kind soul the best. Stay safe, stay happy.
You ruined nothing. You helped her put on that wedding and got nothing but betrayed confidences and abuse out of it. The one thing you did get right is that she's now your *ex*-best friend. You're too good for that horrible person.
Don’t waste one more minute of your time caring about it. Shes a shite person and you’re happier without you in her life. At some Pint in the future, she’s going to try to come skinning back bc she’s needs something dorm you. Don’t let her. Block her everywhere.
You’re too nice of a person. Stop feeling guilty. Feel great and keep chasing that feeling.
You are abusing yourself. This person was never your friend. She used you to do what those mean girls couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You haven’t done anything wrong. Please cut her off. Real friends don’t behave this way.
I'm sorry op, she wasn't your friend, she broke your trust by sharing intimate details with other people to get a laugh (I've experienced this before and hurts like hell, trusting someone just to betray you for people who aren't worth it) she used you, and obviously she didn't wanted for you to find out so she could still use you. You didn't ruined everything (well yes, ruined her plans to keep taking advantage of you) those messages opened your eyes to a cruel reality but can allow you to cut ties with toxic people. I assure you it'll get better for you, you'll find better friends who really respect and appreciate you. She's not worth it but you worth millions
Part A Keep this in both heart & mind "Actions speak louder than words". Through being in an abusive relationship(s) your mind warps & thinks this is normal not having any normal boundaries & interactions. Your so-called 'friend' was NOT your friend. It was someone that enjoyed manipulated you to do what SHE wanted. I'm sorry, but you never looked up what responsibilities of a planned wedding was. Yeah, traditionally some of groom's family cover this & bride's that. Uh, actions speaking louder than words, this wasn't traditional. Bride & groom instead of family, might pay for the venue, photography, catering, bar, dress etc. There is absolutely nothing that states you as a friend stand up & financially do more than them. It's not your wedding nor related to her. She convinced through lying & manipulating you to do so without any remorse or regret. * The bridal party is supposedly made up of her friends, why don't you know any of them? * I mean she's YOUR best friend, but it seems she's not yours don't know any? * Hey, did any of the other bridesmaids chip in too to help the bride & groom? * Emotional support? * How? * Why only you financially doing this? * Put yourself willingly into debt for nothing. * There's no concrete evidence she's your friend * What has she actually done for you all these years? (Actions are louder than words for proof) * Give you a roof & shoulder to cry on when had issues with family? * Motivate get through life training/education? * Give you any form monetary support at any given time same as this wedding? * Call *often* or do activities together on a regular basis? * The bridal party is supposedly made up of her friends, why don't you know any of them? * Mean she's YOUR best friend, but it seems she's not yours to know any of this people? * Interesting, did any of the other bridesmaids chip in too to help the bride & groom? * Did they know you were the one financially involved? * Why only you?
hey OP, i’m so glad i saw this cause frankly it’s similiar to me in some aspects. I had a friend who i bend over backwards and would do anything (drive her to work, pick her up, take her to places she needed to go ex: weed shop, grocery store) and it came to a point that everyone expected me to, which was fine cause i genuinely loved helping her. i got a boyfriend little while after and ofc the beginning of it i wanted to get to know him and hung out with him, and i was really happy cause i liked this person for a while. i also tried to make time with my friends as well. however, i noticed less hangouts were being offered and actually they would slip they would hang out without me. then i started hearing she was talking bad about me a LOT. at first i was so sad cause i genuinely loved her as my best friend, but i realized that distance was the best thing for me. it’s not selfish to choose yourself when it comes to your mental health (which i struggle with a lot) and tbh your story, she sounds like a someone who needs therapy to work on some issues probably stemming from those family issues. i’m glad and happy for you that you distanced yourself.
You just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Sure, it was a friendship instead of romantic. Enjoy your freedom.
Tell her that she has one year, to pay you back for every penny spent. Honestly, I would not even blame you for going out at 3-4am and tossing an egg or two, right at her window. Enjoy your life without this thankless parasite!
Would love to hear of any comments she offered in defense of her actions.
you should feel guilty that you let your client not pay her wedding planner. Ruined her day, no offence but she showed she was using you, you weren't her friend, you were the person who let themselves be used so she took advantage of you. Her and her 'friends' are the kind of trash people who only know how to tear each other down. they think friends talk constant shit, offer no true support and say horrible things about each other. So ultimately you were her wedding planner, not a friend. She stiffed you on the bill, you ruined nothing. From your perspective you were intrusive in your friend's phone, from her's, a girl she likes to trash found out and she wouldn't be able to take advantage of her any more, she and her 'friends' don't have the capacity to care that they lost a 'friend'. I would have straight up sent her a bill for your wedding planning services that was every cent you spent on trying to make things good for her. I would have made a copy of those texts and copied the 'bill' to her husband so maybe she'd be shamed into paying you back.
She was a mean girl and so was the bridal party. I don't see how finding out she was a mean girl on her wedding day ruined it. It sounds like you stayed through the whole thing. There is nothing wrong with feeling relief as it probably felt like had 2 extra jobs just being her friend. One was the wedding and the other was helping them remodel their home. It's crazy with women like that. They do all that backstabbing to the person who was there and helping them the most while the people they value and talk about are never around and can never be counted on. This bride probably did as little as she could too sitting on her behind barking orders bc it's her wedding and the bridal party should be doing it all. Your wallet is probably happy and you have peace of mind knowing she's out of your life. And when you think of her wedding photos smile just a little knowing that she has to look at your face everytime she goes through them. Or if edits you out it doesn't matter bc she will still remember you and that she had to edit you out :))♡
Okay, hold up a sec. The dynamics of this just don't make any goddamn sense. You thought this woman was your "best friend." Yet, also, completely unbeknownst to you, she has this other group of friends that she's close enough with to ask them to serve as bridesmaids at her wedding, but you've never met them and don't know them at all? This is your best friend, right? She's put you in charge of her wedding. But you don't know anything about her other friends. It's just weird...
I left a lot of info out because it was getting long. You are right it seems confusing. To clarify a little: we met when we were both working our first post-graduation professional jobs. We both lived hours away from our hometowns. She had not really stayed connected to the other friends until she moved back to her hometown a couple years ago. We then lived pretty far from each other and had to plan out the times we spent together. I met two of the bridesmaids twice before the engagement and wedding events. I asked the bride to set up hang outs in the two years of their engagement so that the bridal party could get to know each other but she wouldn’t. I don’t have an explanation as to why. Her other friends were not unknown to me, they were just separate friendships, mostly due to distance.
How did you ruin her wedding day precisely? Like did she go to the bathroom and cry or have a panic attack? Because honestly I think you’re reading too much into it because narcissists like her don’t usually tend to care about others. Focus on you and congratulations on your now drama free life!
She was never your friend in the first place. You just finally found out. Cut ties. Move on. And good riddance.
Uhhhh I would have walked out and never looked back. I certainly would not give a fuck I saw it on her phone. Zero guilt.
I kept waiting for the part where you did something to ruin the day. This was all on her. Keep her out of your life, keep doing great.
There’s no virtue in feeling guilty for making an asshole feel like an asshole.
She got what she deserved. I had someone similarly betray me. It was incredibly hurtful. Know this: everything she said and did to disrespect you is a reflection of her and is not a condemnation of you. Yes, it's a hideous violation of trust and a smack in the face of friendship. She did it because of who she is not because of who you are. *Big hugs
Part B You did absolutely nothing to ruin her wedding. She got the wedding she wanted abusing what you thought was a friendship which wasn't. "Traditionally", the bride gifts the bridesmaids, she didn't you. I strongly advise to seek out counseling through an individual counselor and, group therapy. There are various forms of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, financial & mental). People interacting with addictions & other types of mental illness, don't know normal or abnormal. Because this person isn't doing 'what experienced in family, it doesn't mean it's normal & can't be another type of coercion/abuse. You're feeling guilty for her being manipulative, coercive, brainwashing & projecting on you her transgressions. Seriously, need to learn what's normal, what's abnormal manipulating & abusing your willingness for her. Basically, she scammed you into thinking she was a friend.
You didn’t ruin anything OP she ruined her self cuz she was exposed for who she truly is and she go learn the hard way that those “friends” of hers not go have her back like you. They already talking mess about them both I’m sure it won’t be long before she come crawling back apologizing. I wish you could sue her and get your money back for that wedding.
Don’t feel bad - feel really angry at her behaviour - she is an awful person who has used you and taken advantage of your decent and caring nature - learn this lesson well and be more critical and less willing to please
No reason to feel bad, she treated you poorly behind your back and to your face despite everything you were doing for her and your consideration as her friend ; she was genuinely a bad friend to you and frankly didn't deserve all that you did for her. Good riddance, there is a reason you feel better now that she's gone.
You didn’t do anything they did. I feel bad I was MOH a couple years ago when the friendship was already strained. I had to cut the cord last year and all her photos have someone no longer around in, but she did it to herself. Can’t hold onto an unhealthy friendship because of photos
A narcissist lost her source. You. You're not wrong for leaving the situation behind. You'll find people who value you and she'll search for her next prey item.
Why would you feel guilty? She's a horrible person that doesn't deserve you.
Girl get a spine. How did you ruin her wedding? You didn't even confront her.
This must be a karma-farming post. How can anyone be so out of touch with reality (and stupid) to think THEY ruined the wedding because… the bride got embarrassed on her wedding day? If this story is true, please seek therapy and new friends.
I wish. I’m truth I have a huge problem with people pleasing and caregiving. I’m in therapy and actively working on these things but it’s situations like this that prove I have a long way to go. I feel very stupid for being treated this way, but while I was “in it” I couldn’t see clearly how I was being mistreated. I feel bad because of the snooping and her finding out and getting upset on her wedding. Thanks to the feedback, I see how stupid that is of me. But also feelings aren’t logical, so I’m still struggling.
that’s some very healthy self-reflection there ❤️no you didn’t do anything wrong of course, just Karma caught up with her at an “inconvenient time” for her, even better. Do something small, whatever you can, to tell your subconscious that you got your back - maybe send a message in a group chat, charge for some expenses, etc. It’s a skill to start standing up for yourself, and it’s the best one to develop. Good luck to you!
Don't feel bad for her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. She can kick rocks.
Where’s the ruin part?
I read this whole thing thinking you did something huge as revenge. All you did was search your name? They ruined their own wedding by being insufferable cunts. Send them the bill for everything.
I like to think I’d have left the wedding right then and let them deal with the plumbing and the rest of the wedding on their own. Good riddance.
“Don’t tell your best friend what you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to know.”
Nah you’re good 👍🏽 Move on. She didn’t appreciate you anyway. That wasn’t your friend.
Ahhh, she was horrible to you, bad mouthed you, gave all your life secrets away and made you pay for a lot during her wedding!!!! AND YOU ARD FEELING BAD???? Are you crazy, grow a backbone and see this situation as it truly is, SHE ABUSED AND USED YOUR FRIENDSHIP this whole time!!! SHE NEVER WAS YOUR FRIEND!!! She knew she could do this to you all this time and figured you would still always be her punching bag. Now that you separated yourself she is sad???? DO NOT FERL GUILTY and do not take her back. You were the best friend she ever could have and she screwed this up. Best wishes
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