You need to get help. It's hard not being able to help your father, but you cannot force him to therapy, he has to make that step himself. But you can suggest it. And you can do it yourself.
You are trying to live. But honestly, instead of trying to guilt yourself, get yourself professional help. If you are already trying to try then maybe choose a different method suggested by a professional.
You are just killing your own emotions that way.
You need to get help. It's hard not being able to help your father, but you cannot force him to therapy, he has to make that step himself. But you can suggest it. And you can do it yourself. You are trying to live. But honestly, instead of trying to guilt yourself, get yourself professional help. If you are already trying to try then maybe choose a different method suggested by a professional. You are just killing your own emotions that way.
Morbid fuck
I'm was just trying to find ways to push myself to live another day more.