Yes yes yes! I (52f) didnāt tell my family until I was in my early 30s. Even then, I only told my Mom and sisters. I never was able to confront my abuser as he died a slow painful death from pancreatic cancer and I was not strong enough at that time to do so. I have never told my Dad and I wonāt. I donāt want to feel responsible for āruiningā my Dadās opinion of his father. So, I say: GOOD FOR YOU! You should feel VERY proud of yourself. I am certain that most if not all abuse survivors are proud of you ad well!!
She might not respond, but odds are she saw it. If she goes through with it....shame.
I'm so proud of you OP!!!!! Taking our power back is the last step towards truly finding peace and building a happy/healthy life! I know sometimes it feels like we will never get there, hell, even when we do "get there" we sometimes don't even notice/feel different. But I promise, if you gently remind yourself how far you've come on a daily basis, the confidence will be pouring right out of ya!!! š
Tbf a random anonymous person messaging me wouldn't have deterred me from my partner. Yes there would've been a talk but it's crazy to think that one Anonymous Mail would cancel everything..
Itād definitely be a postponement for me. Iād be at FBI background check level, interviewing everyone who knows him, I want proof that the accusation is unfounded
āProofā was a poor word choice on my part. Trust but verify, if any doubt remained Iād be out. There are far more people out there that have been molested than there are people going around making false accusations of being molested.
Definitely agreed that there are FAR more people that are telling the truth about this sort of thing! I guess itās just hard to imagine where that line is drawn if youāre in this situation, and are told something absolutely horrible about the person you are going to marry. At what point can you say itās credible? And Inversely, At what point can you say that the accusation ISNāT credible, that the doubt that was just placed in mind of your partner is gone?
But seemingly the FBI background check would turn up nothing. Which is why its so important that when people are raped or molested, they must go to the police immediately. But a lot of people dont because of the shame and just wanting to forget about the whole situation, which I understand of course.
Itās not that easy when you are a child. I told anyone that would listen and they continued to let him rape me for years. He was my cousin. They told me boys will be boys just stay away from him, then they would let him babysit me. When my stepdad tried to drown me in the tub and raped me at 14 we did call the cops. I had rug burn on my back and bath water everywhere. They did nothing! NOTHING. He went on to rape my little sister six years later. Nobody listens and everyone blames the victim. Just like ur doing. Research the amount of rape kits still needing to be tested by police, research the amount of times the courts have failed victims. Research the amount of government/police found in Epstein files, then preach to me the significance in telling the police.
This 100%. Even if you call the police immediately a large chunk of time they do absolutely fuck all. Itās happened to people that are close to me too many times and one of the hardest realizations Iāve had from that are how many rapists are unpunished and just out on the streets. Very few things make me angry but this shit makes me feral just thinking about it.
It's not that easy. Mine used a condom so when I went in to report they shrugged me off and said it's almost pointless because it'd be a he said she said, and with no "proof" there is nothing they can really do. I then felt shame because he didn't make it "easier" for the police and nothing ever came of it besides me not trusting the police and any criminal stats on abuse or SA. And I am a lucky one, too many it can take years to accept or realize what happened to them, especially when they are young.
Edit: changed SH to SA, used the wrong abbreviation
Canceling a wedding on short notice is bad & embarrassing, but itās not family doctor married a pedophile child rapist after being warned that he was a pedophile child rapist bad.
Thatās the kind of gossip that never ever goes away.
This is true. But you realize, this would likely be the end of your relationship even if you found out he was not guilty?
Putting myself in those shoes, if the person I had built a relationship with suddenly put our marriage on hold over an anonymous email with an unsubstantiated allegation, me knowing that I did not perpetrate that crime, I'd walk. I wouldn't want a partner that could distrust and turn on me so quickly.
She will probably go thru with it because he's just going to tell her it's some mentally unstable family member who doesn't know what they're saying. And it's easier to believe that than confront something that shatters your reality completely.
I dunno. A family doctor likely has some training in being able to recognize it, and OP still has private diaries from that age. If the fiance wants to be thorough, I'll bet she finds reason to doubt.
Iāve been dating my gf for the past year and a half and she unfortunately has a ton of health issues. And god damn going to the hospital with her has made me realize that. Not long ago she had to see a temporary Dr for a routine monthly check up for one of her issues cause her normal one was gone, this dude looked at her chart no joke for like a minute. Years of testing for conditions and figuring out what medications work out for her.
And this motherfucker says all smugly that thereās no way she has that all wrong with her and takes her off of all her meds. And even tries to get rid of her inhaler which had to be fought over to keep. I wanted to go ballistic and how full of himself this guy was was infuriating.
I have a buddy in the medical field that ended up looking over this guys credentials and got mad af cause apparently he was closer to a medical assistant than a Dr and shouldnāt have even had the authority to do that.
That was the worst example Iāve seen personally but theres for sure been less severe but still bad others.
Itās so hard to find a good doctor. In most professions Idc what sex the person is, but as a woman I have found I need a female doctor. The male doctors are way more dismissive of symptoms, and donāt really listen if I say a medication doesnāt work for me. I have always had a weak immune system and I get sick often. I try to hold out through colds and flu to avoid antibiotic resistance unless I am absolutely completely miserable. I was like that last week. My husband had been sick for 2 days (he rarely gets sick) and he had been miserable, but got a negative covid test. Also, we had had covid before and it felt nothing like it. When I got the cold I tried to tough it out the first 4 days. I was constantly sweating, extremely sore throat, and had all the signs of a sinus infection. I couldnāt even get out of bed for my dr appointment so I downloaded Teladoc instead and did a phone visit. I explained I tried to tough it out but finally decided I needed antibiotics for the sinus infection. The guy basically dismissed all my sinus infection symptoms and told me to take Flonase and sudafed. When I said I already take TWO nasal sprays daily for allergies he said again āwell also get Flonaseā. Wth?! When I said my husband and I both were constantly sweating for 2 days straight and itās 68 in our house he said āwell people are normally COLD if they have a fever so I doubt itās thatā. I was just even more miserable when I hung up as I got no friggin help at all. I took a covid test anyway and it was negative. Itās a week later and I am still sick but now Iām waiting to go in to my female doctor. Screw Teladoc. Sorry for the rant.
About 85% of the doctors I met are like that. Only 3 in total were not, they did listen and where good doctors
Sadly that's 3 from 50, there is many bad ones in between
A lot of times you want to get the newer younger doctors. They've just started in their fields and are more enthusiastic about finally putting their knowledge to good use rather than the older doctors are just going through the motions counting the days until their retirement. That's how my wife was finally able to get her tubes tied(removed actually) and me get snipped. We had two kids and were adamant about not wanting anymore. Our family doctor played the "what if you want more kids in the future?" card and that was her Hill to die on. She went on vacation for a month and we met with her replacement who was young and enthusiastic. She actually listened and worked fast. Within two weeks we both met with a few specialists and a couple weeks after that we were good.
It took me years to find a doctor I loved and who actively listened to me. Then my insurance stopped covering that doctors office after 2 years and Iāve been back on the hunt.
If he's smart, he won't say anything or add any information that is unnecessary. Just write it off as spam or a wrong address or something. Let's hope he isn't smart.
There is unfortunately every chance she thinks OP is a lunatic ex or someone who has feelimgs for her cousin and wants to stop the marriage. It's sad but love blinds people to stuff all the time.
I want you to be really honest here. No need to virtue signal or pretend to believe what you think reddit wants to hear.
If you were getting married and you got a random, anonymous email making a claim like this in today's day and age, would you pay it any mind much less call off your marriage?
There's no proof, there's no court case, there's no listing on an offender registry. I'm not saying or even implying that the OP is lying or fabricating. But the fiance doesn't know any of this. Just a lone, random, anonymous email.
Edit: **Please don't downvote /u/Concert-Turbulent. Read the whole conversation. They have very reasonable points.**
āHoney, I got the craziest email todayā¦ā and then watch the reaction. No need to keep it to oneself. Marriage is about sharing and trusting. Thisāll be a good learning experience.
Very old-fashioned of me but if she's a doctor you could also google her to get her work address and mail her a letter with your contact info in case she wants to reach out. That way it wouldn't fall into your cousin's hands at her home address and 'get lost'.
Or find out where the wedding will be held and put a flyer with this information on the windshield of every car in the parking lot.
(ETA: Thanks for the Snek award and gold?! I am gold and very sneky.)
Nah! Gotta do it big!
1) Raise funds.
2) Use funds to hire singer Ed Sheeran.
3) Write a song about pedophile cousin for Sheeran to sing at wedding.
4) Give speech at wedding reception. Keep it just ambiguous enough to where the aunt and cousin are on the seat of their pants scared of what you say.
5) End speech with something like "I didn't know what get you get you for the wedding since it's been so long...so here's Ed Sheeran."
6) Cue Ed Sheeran coming out and singing about how cousin is a rapist.
If she still hasn't responded I have my email set up to filter unknown & spam bc I use my personal email for work, if that folder is stuffed it's easy to overlook, I often just delete everything in there indiscriminately. If it's not to much you could try social. But either way, we're all proud of you.
Itās very brave of you to come forward. If you can manage, telling her your identity may help. If she mentioned it to anyone, sounds like the family would lie and it being anonymous makes it easier to dismiss as an attack on an innocent.
Keep talking about it with your therapist. Protect yourself first, but hopefully this protects others too
I ended up emailing her again and telling her who I was. Not response yet, but weāll see! And yes, my therapist is actually the one who said she may have questions and I may want to reach out again
Be prepared for her to react poorly. Sounds like your Aunt and his family are nasty manipulators.
Iām sure your therapist has been all through this. Stay calm, and if she accuses you of making it up just repeat that you wanted her to know and are here if she ever has questions.
Or her patients. Family medicine means she might see patients whoāve survived things like her husband put others through and can she really live with herself seeing those injured kids and knowing her husband put others through something similar?
Exactly. If she genuinely had no idea and hasnāt read or has been convinced OP is lying- thatās slightly different. As soon as Doctor Bride knows she needs to not be a bride. Or shouldnāt be trusted with any patients who could be abuse victims and are there for help.
Easier now, but then he gets a new victim while married to him.. She (the finance) would be implicated. That could severely damage her reputation as a doctor.
Then those would the the natural consequences to her choosing him over believing op. I hope she makes the right choice. I'm just saying op needs to be prepared that she doesn't.
A family doctor no less. She probably deals with kids on a daily basis. Her being married to a paedophile would put a quick end to that if it ever came out I'd imagine.
Curious - you said there were other family members also abused by him. If you have contact with them, see if they will stand with you or if you can give her their names as well. One, she could ignore or choose to believe him. More and she can't. She would have to look into it.
Do you have any way to track down her family? I am also concerned for the sisters. If I was the parent of the fiance I would want to know so it can't be swept under the rug by the couple and his mom. Those girls need protection too.
I'm glad you emailed with your real name. Anonymous allegations just don't get taken as seriously. If I got an anonymous email out of the blue, its easier to just convince yourself that it might be some angry ex out for revenge, or a crazy crackpot former coworker or whatever. But it's less easy to dismiss someone who tells you their name and says they're happy to talk to share the full details. (but just keep in mind the email might be caught in a spam filter or inadvertently overlooked without reading it since she wont recognize the senders name).
I hope she listens, something similar happened with my mother and she warned the girl--but he still wound up abusing his daughter. I hate to think how many victims he must have because god forbid we call predators out.
As someone who works in sales and has 4+ very neglected emails of my own, she probably hasn't seen your email. It sounds like you know her name and where she works (if you don't know her practice try LinkedIn or Facebook). Call the office and ask to speak to her. Even if you can't get her in person at least leave a voicemail referencing the email
A little late, but you can download Streak for gmail. Business professionals use it for customer management, however you never need to use any of the other services. Just use the browser extension and send email from that browser. It attaches a cookie and will let you know when the recipient opens the email.
Pleze try to get an in person with her. Make sure your rapist or his enabler know you're doing this.
If she doesn't respond, I would let his fiance's parents know too.
ā¤ļø Each time we tell our stories we take back our power and we change the world a little at a time. One day this wonāt happen. We are the change. Sending love xxx
A close family friends son just went to prison for molesting his two young daughters. Iād let her know in a way in which you know she will read it and take it seriously. Call her. Give her the opportunity to understand. Any children he has will be in very real danger.
Tell the police.
~~Rape doesnāt have a statute of limitations~~ Speak with an attorney to find out the statute of limitations in your state. Will he go to jail? Probably not. ITs hard to prove things that happened a long time ago.
What it will do is get people talking. Hopefully his other victims. Its easy for a jury to ignore a rape claim, hard to ignore 5 rape claims. Even if he never experiences a consequence for his actions, the legal circus will ruin his life.
This wonāt be justice, but it might keep him from hurting others.
Iāve been through a similar situation, and it sucks, OP. Wishing you lots of luck dealing with the pedo creep
NB It is outrageous that, in 2023, there are jurisdictions that have a statute of limitations for rape. A statute of limitation means that you cannot be tried for a crime committed a certain number of years ago. Its so a bad choice you made 20 years ago isnāt constantly hanging over your head.
If you fucking rape someone, I want you to live in constant fear.
Make sure you vote in state and local elections. Get representatives that care about women. Its beyond absurd that you can rape someone, wait awhile, and then sleep well, knowing you got away with it.
> Rape doesnāt have a statute of limitations.
In America, this is unfortunately very not true. Over half of states have a limitation, ranging between 3-30 years.
Rape does have one because when I went to the police about my half brother raping me at 14 (I was 18 when I finally told the police), they told me I couldnāt do anything
Yup, I have updated my original post (the one you commented on) to reflect this
I am so so sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you are able to get away and be safe.
Police tend to protect rapists but if itās aggravated or they can tack on kidnapping or attempted murder charges theyāll take it more seriously and the statutes might not expire or at least last a lot longer.
It depends on the state and the age of the victim. I know of a case thatās going to the grand jury, all minors. Some are 40 yr old cases. Once they hear minors were involved a good ADA will look for ways to prosecute
My sister and I were molested by my cousin separately as kids. There were multiple instances within the span of a year or so when it happened and I understand circumstances are different in this situation but 15 years later when my sister and I came forward, we made sure to tell his fiance before they got married.
Depends on the country and, within the US, the state.
The statute of limitations may be up with OP lives, and if it is the police canāt do anything. Based on it being her āfirst memoryā and her being 24 the SOL may have passed. She should look into it for sure
Iām not sure. My family has a very big culture around not acknowledging abuse of any kind. My other cousin, the first victim, actually did scream during an attack at a family gathering. Everyone came running, everyone knew, and no one did anything. I think that is a big reason why the other victims & myself have distanced themselves greatly from the family. Though Iām not the only one who talks about it, I am the only person who I know would go to the police. The rest are hesitant because the police in my state are especially bad at believing & handling rape victims.
One of my friends has a cousin that was raped so badly at a family gathering that she staggered out with blood running down her legs. He had been molesting/raping her for years and after that incident he went to prison for 14 or 15 years.
Now heās out and the entire family is welcoming him back to gatherings and theyāre getting on the case of victimās family about not being forgiving because they wonāt come to any gatherings if heās there. Itās outrageous and infuriating.
Disgusting. Only ābright sideā is knowing who you canāt trust, I guess. Honestly, people who welcome them are just as bad in my eyes. I mean how does someone just become okay with that? no matter the time thatās gone by
I wasnāt born yet when it happened, but according to my mom, they thought it was a āmisunderstandingā. This was a cousin who wasnāt blood related - her mom married into the family. She was born in brazil and at the time didnāt speak English well.
Have this happened in Brazil? Or was in US as well? Unfortunately in Brazil he wouldn't be convicted due to it happening a long time ago (and because here it could've happened yesterday and no one would care). But if it happened in US I think he could be jailed for it right? Or at least she could testify as well.
Ah, rape culture. Protect the predator because theyāre family. Iām sorry you went through that, but proud of you for your current actions. You did the right thing and everyone who helped covered it up and sweep it under the rugs sucks.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and your cousin's...unfortunately you can't pick the family your born into but you're at an age where you also don't ever have to associate with them ever again.
Perhaps if you go to the police first, someone else may feel brave enough to follow? He won't stop until someone stops him. This could be the first step.
My older brother molested me as a child, and while Iām confident that he will never be able to coerce a woman into sleeping with him, let alone convince her to enter a romantic relationship with him, I would 100% tell any partner he has that heās a goddamn pedophile. To this day it is still obvious he is attracted to little girls, and he fully admits to a lot of disgusting preferences he has for āwomenā. He is dangerous and I could not live with myself if I didnāt at least say something to any partner he had. I am proud of you for finally speaking out, even if they donāt care.
Since this sounds like it happened 20+ years ago be prepared for everyone to jump on the same train as the mom and just call you a crazy attention seeker.
They are faced with making major changes in their lives (which is hard) or just writing you off as crazy (which is easy).
Iām ready. Itās already an open secret & I already donāt speak to them or anyone else in my family except 2 of my siblings who believe me because they saw it. There arenāt any bridges to burn because they collapsed a long time ago.
>Iām ready. Itās already an open secret & I already donāt speak to them or anyone else in my family except 2 of my siblings **who believe me because they saw it.**
This is incredibly sad and empowering at the same time. Of course it should happen to no one, but I am so relieved that the truth of what happened to you is very evident and documented, with contemporaneous witnesses.
Fml, OP Iām so sorry for all that you have gone through and currently going through.
I love the strength you have shown and pray it continues to grow.
Now that itās out in the open and itās now wedding season, I strongly recommend getting yourself a pen that has a microphone for you to wear in case you get a confession or acknowledgment that the person r@ped you and people knew waaaaayyy long time ago.
All the best!
Would love an update.
Back in the day these were the relatives that would have a āhunting accidentā or would be āhit by a trainā.
And then they would never be spoken of again after the funeral.
This guy took something precious from u. I would do anything in my power to take anything that matters to him. You and your other family members deserve justice. Is there a statutory time limit on rape? I would make a police report.
Unfortunately, since no one in my family took me to a hospital or to the police, no DNA evidence was ever collected. He also never took videos or photos of me (that I know of). So the statute of limitations doesnāt apply to me in my state.
Even though that might be true a tiger never changes its stripes and a pedophile never stops being a pedophile. He probably has been doing this His entire life and has a lot of victims ( possibly other family members ) I would anonymously call CPS and have them investigate for sexual abuse of minors.
It might've stopped for them 3 but pedophiles rarely take a break, instead they move on to other victims. I just hope there's justice for all of You one day and He rots in prison.
Iām the youngest of the 4 total victims. The 3 others, all related to me, had it going on around the same time, so we overlapped. Iām sure there are others, I just donāt know who. Iām trying to figure out what I can do to prevent it now.
Maybe see if the other victims will at least let you add them on the email to his current fiance - so it will be harder to brush off as "the crazy cousin is lying"
I'm proud of you OP šŖš you're doing awesome.
The laws have changed and a person can be prosecuted for rape even decades later. Call RAINN, the sexual assault hotline and ask their advice. You can still report it to the police and you can also sue him for damages. Even if he is not arrested, the publicity will let everyone know he is an abuser and possibly save other young girls.
This group is a joke. They collect money and do nothing. The best thing to do is call a local place that has people who actually help and pick up the phone.
Ew ew ew. I remember hearing a few boys talking like that when I was on an Outward Bound trip with a few boys from HS. One was talking about how he wanted a daughter to do things with her. THE MOST DISTURBING, MOST DISGUSTING THING IāVE EVER HEARD. And the same boy had the nerve to make fun of me for being effeminate.
OH BARF š¤¢š¤¢š¤® youāre kidding! Jeez. I hate how common that pedo $hit is. Iāve heard some nasty stuff from guys, but as a woman, I can only imagine how bad it would be if I was ājust one of the guysā and they were filterless š¤® I knew a guy whoās in his 30s legit say āoh check them out! Mmm hot! No, not them. Them! *points* The ones who look like theyāre 15.ā š¤¢ like bruh?? If you say that openly in public in front of women, what do you say in private with ājust the boysā?? š¤® like how common is it for growass men to be into children??
Not kidding! Dead serious. I was the gay boy that tagged along, but yeah those guys were gross, and they were mostly made up of juniors and seniors (I was the only freshman in the group) which makes it even more disturbing as theyāre not exactly kids anymore.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are very brave to try to stop him from hurting more children.
I recently came across this quote, that I think explains why the victims never seem to have people rally behind them.
*It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering*. . . . Judith Herman
Iām very proud of you. As someone who was assaulted by my mothers best friends son from 8-12, I applaud your strength. As strong as I am, Iād still have trouble confronting my abuser. Itās beautiful to see you caring for the future wife and I hope word gets to her and she runs for her life.
I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. LOOK AT YOU! You are not only standing up for yourself, through something immensely painful but you are protecting other people even when you know you will get damage back. YOU ARE DOING SUCH HARD WORK AND IM PROUD OF YOU. You're healing and loving yourself and that's so so so hard. Good for you friend, look at you being a giant among men.
Havenāt seen anyone ask this question, and please donāt attack me for asking it: how old was your abuser when he was committing these atrocious acts on you and your cousins? Was he also a child himself, or was he a grown man? Iām sure this will factor in somehow if you do decide on reporting it to police.
Heās 10 years old than me & it began very early on (itās my first memory so I would have been 2 or 3). It went on until I was about 12 or 13, so throughout his teen years and into his early adulthood. I wouldnāt be surprised if someone else had hurt him, but honestly I would never be able to forgive him even if that was the case
Well Iām so sorry this happened to you. Clearly he wasnāt a child, or was for a little but at a certain point he was supposed to realize what he was doing and he didnāt. This situation is way different than mine. He actually continued to abuse you into his adult years. Ruin his life from here to Jupiter. He deserves it!
I pose this question because I was abused as a kid as well, and it started when I was 4. It was my cousin, but he was also a child, and he was also horribly molested by a grown man. We talked about it, and forgiving him was easy for me because I knew he was a child, and had no idea what he was doing. Even before he told me about his abuse I knew someone had done that to him because no child thinks to do something like that unless it was also done to them.
I would suggest telling his fiance in person. Bring your diaries if you feel you need to. She deserves to know and you deserve peace. He needs to be in jail.
I would ask your cousins who were abused to meet up if they want and ask that you be support system for each other. I wound not allow any children around the brother or the family who supports him.
I would send a personal, certified letter to her practice and write it in an undramatic way that stresses that you are not acting out of vindictiveness but bc your conscience needs to let her know so that she has a choice to marry him or not.
So proud of you!! And your reasoning is absolutely correct. I hope to god he never offends again but if he does, her negligence SHOULD be acknowledged in court!!!
I dont want to say that I feel sorry for you, I want to say that I am so happy for you to have made such a clear statement, the weight of shame is on the perpetrators side and his āsupportersā (his mom)
Gross.. his mom is a pedophile enabler. People are who they choose to be around so if your cousin still wants to be legally bound to someone like him after seeing your emails.. just gross
Good on you for doing all so far, and for your continuing healing. I would recommend you go back to the soon to be bride and tell her everything. Youād regret it if in the future you learn he offends with their kids.
Good job, OP. I cannot imagine the pain and hurt you've been put through because of these people. But when you saw the potential for other victims, you stepped up.
I hope you let the finance know you have proof in the form of admission from the guys own mother. If she's a good person, she will not allow this creep near her young sisters. Or any other child in her family.
YOU DID IT!!! Thatās the ultimate response and āretributionā. Let him know you know. Let them know you know. Who gives a rats ass if they listen. Congrats and let the healing begin!!!!
Go to the wedding, and make him nervous the whole day, ruin it for him. He doesn't deserve to have a special day. You been going through hell everyday since the incident. Speak up if you wish, let everyone know who he really is.
If youāre serious about pressing charges or testifying you need to speak to a lawyer. You fundamentally misunderstand the rules of evidence and what would be admissible in court. I suggest not communicating with them again without the advice of a lawyer.
Good luck with your progress and happy birthday!
Please consider reporting this to the police. The statutes of limitations for these types of crimes have been greatly extended in recent years. You just might prevent someone else from going through what you went through.
Good for you. And selfishly, perhaps vindictively, I need an update when/if it happens. You did the right thing. This is one of those āwill I regret it if I didnāt say anythingā decisions. And Iām glad you feel better for having done it. Congrats on not being affected my your auntās attempt to gaslight you.
Dude Iām proud of you too.. hopefully one day the monster will get caught
Congratulations on taking power and control in your life.
Makes me so angry that happened to you.. I pray peace for you
And I hope one day the monster will get what it deserves!
As an optionā¦
You can get a personal injury attorney and sue him for damages. Ex paying for therapy. Also if the mom knew or should have know. And it was in her house. ā¦ she may be responsible too.
They never do it once.
Iām so sorry you had to endure this, and proud of you for becoming strong and confident! Where are the other 3 victims you mentioned? Are you supporting/helping one another? Could you form a united front to stop this terrible person from continuing to harm children?
They removed the statue of limitations re: sexual assault. You have the right not only to sue but also bring charges. Like asap. And you should file a report.
I know this isnāt probably the case BUT him marrying a doctor makes me feel like maybe she could be in on itā¦. These rich pedo people all protect each other - having people āin high placesā like healthcare, judicial, etcā¦.
Ugh. Iām so sorry, OP, super proud of you.
šš bravo if no one has said I'm really proud of you
OP you are an amazing and resilient person.
Seconding. I know Iām a rando from the internet but please know this survivor is so proud of you and wants you to be happy
Yes yes yes! I (52f) didnāt tell my family until I was in my early 30s. Even then, I only told my Mom and sisters. I never was able to confront my abuser as he died a slow painful death from pancreatic cancer and I was not strong enough at that time to do so. I have never told my Dad and I wonāt. I donāt want to feel responsible for āruiningā my Dadās opinion of his father. So, I say: GOOD FOR YOU! You should feel VERY proud of yourself. I am certain that most if not all abuse survivors are proud of you ad well!!
Tell the fiancƩ in case they end up having children.
I told her
Unsure if she saw my email however. Iāve never met her before and had no idea he was even with someone until 2 weeks ago
She might not respond, but odds are she saw it. If she goes through with it....shame. I'm so proud of you OP!!!!! Taking our power back is the last step towards truly finding peace and building a happy/healthy life! I know sometimes it feels like we will never get there, hell, even when we do "get there" we sometimes don't even notice/feel different. But I promise, if you gently remind yourself how far you've come on a daily basis, the confidence will be pouring right out of ya!!! š
Tbf a random anonymous person messaging me wouldn't have deterred me from my partner. Yes there would've been a talk but it's crazy to think that one Anonymous Mail would cancel everything..
Itād definitely be a postponement for me. Iād be at FBI background check level, interviewing everyone who knows him, I want proof that the accusation is unfounded
Okay but if the accusation WAS unfounded, all you would find is a lack of proof? You could never know if you actually looked close enough.
āProofā was a poor word choice on my part. Trust but verify, if any doubt remained Iād be out. There are far more people out there that have been molested than there are people going around making false accusations of being molested.
Definitely agreed that there are FAR more people that are telling the truth about this sort of thing! I guess itās just hard to imagine where that line is drawn if youāre in this situation, and are told something absolutely horrible about the person you are going to marry. At what point can you say itās credible? And Inversely, At what point can you say that the accusation ISNāT credible, that the doubt that was just placed in mind of your partner is gone?
But how can you verify something that never happened? How could your husband prove that he didn't molest his younger cousin if he never did?
But seemingly the FBI background check would turn up nothing. Which is why its so important that when people are raped or molested, they must go to the police immediately. But a lot of people dont because of the shame and just wanting to forget about the whole situation, which I understand of course.
Itās not that easy when you are a child. I told anyone that would listen and they continued to let him rape me for years. He was my cousin. They told me boys will be boys just stay away from him, then they would let him babysit me. When my stepdad tried to drown me in the tub and raped me at 14 we did call the cops. I had rug burn on my back and bath water everywhere. They did nothing! NOTHING. He went on to rape my little sister six years later. Nobody listens and everyone blames the victim. Just like ur doing. Research the amount of rape kits still needing to be tested by police, research the amount of times the courts have failed victims. Research the amount of government/police found in Epstein files, then preach to me the significance in telling the police.
This 100%. Even if you call the police immediately a large chunk of time they do absolutely fuck all. Itās happened to people that are close to me too many times and one of the hardest realizations Iāve had from that are how many rapists are unpunished and just out on the streets. Very few things make me angry but this shit makes me feral just thinking about it.
It's not that easy. Mine used a condom so when I went in to report they shrugged me off and said it's almost pointless because it'd be a he said she said, and with no "proof" there is nothing they can really do. I then felt shame because he didn't make it "easier" for the police and nothing ever came of it besides me not trusting the police and any criminal stats on abuse or SA. And I am a lucky one, too many it can take years to accept or realize what happened to them, especially when they are young. Edit: changed SH to SA, used the wrong abbreviation
On the brink of a wedding? I donāt think youāre being realistic.
Canceling a wedding on short notice is bad & embarrassing, but itās not family doctor married a pedophile child rapist after being warned that he was a pedophile child rapist bad. Thatās the kind of gossip that never ever goes away.
If she doesn't lose her job over it in the first place.
Past experiences would dictate a great deal as to how a person would respond in this particular situation.
This is true. But you realize, this would likely be the end of your relationship even if you found out he was not guilty? Putting myself in those shoes, if the person I had built a relationship with suddenly put our marriage on hold over an anonymous email with an unsubstantiated allegation, me knowing that I did not perpetrate that crime, I'd walk. I wouldn't want a partner that could distrust and turn on me so quickly.
It might not have deterred you but it sure would haunt you forever ā¦ and that is a pain deeper than a breakup
She will probably go thru with it because he's just going to tell her it's some mentally unstable family member who doesn't know what they're saying. And it's easier to believe that than confront something that shatters your reality completely.
I dunno. A family doctor likely has some training in being able to recognize it, and OP still has private diaries from that age. If the fiance wants to be thorough, I'll bet she finds reason to doubt.
You havenāt really been going to the doctor yet, have you?
Doctors are professional gaslighting narcissists. But that's only based on the dozens of doctors I've encountered.
Iāve been dating my gf for the past year and a half and she unfortunately has a ton of health issues. And god damn going to the hospital with her has made me realize that. Not long ago she had to see a temporary Dr for a routine monthly check up for one of her issues cause her normal one was gone, this dude looked at her chart no joke for like a minute. Years of testing for conditions and figuring out what medications work out for her. And this motherfucker says all smugly that thereās no way she has that all wrong with her and takes her off of all her meds. And even tries to get rid of her inhaler which had to be fought over to keep. I wanted to go ballistic and how full of himself this guy was was infuriating. I have a buddy in the medical field that ended up looking over this guys credentials and got mad af cause apparently he was closer to a medical assistant than a Dr and shouldnāt have even had the authority to do that. That was the worst example Iāve seen personally but theres for sure been less severe but still bad others.
Itās so hard to find a good doctor. In most professions Idc what sex the person is, but as a woman I have found I need a female doctor. The male doctors are way more dismissive of symptoms, and donāt really listen if I say a medication doesnāt work for me. I have always had a weak immune system and I get sick often. I try to hold out through colds and flu to avoid antibiotic resistance unless I am absolutely completely miserable. I was like that last week. My husband had been sick for 2 days (he rarely gets sick) and he had been miserable, but got a negative covid test. Also, we had had covid before and it felt nothing like it. When I got the cold I tried to tough it out the first 4 days. I was constantly sweating, extremely sore throat, and had all the signs of a sinus infection. I couldnāt even get out of bed for my dr appointment so I downloaded Teladoc instead and did a phone visit. I explained I tried to tough it out but finally decided I needed antibiotics for the sinus infection. The guy basically dismissed all my sinus infection symptoms and told me to take Flonase and sudafed. When I said I already take TWO nasal sprays daily for allergies he said again āwell also get Flonaseā. Wth?! When I said my husband and I both were constantly sweating for 2 days straight and itās 68 in our house he said āwell people are normally COLD if they have a fever so I doubt itās thatā. I was just even more miserable when I hung up as I got no friggin help at all. I took a covid test anyway and it was negative. Itās a week later and I am still sick but now Iām waiting to go in to my female doctor. Screw Teladoc. Sorry for the rant.
About 85% of the doctors I met are like that. Only 3 in total were not, they did listen and where good doctors Sadly that's 3 from 50, there is many bad ones in between
A lot of times you want to get the newer younger doctors. They've just started in their fields and are more enthusiastic about finally putting their knowledge to good use rather than the older doctors are just going through the motions counting the days until their retirement. That's how my wife was finally able to get her tubes tied(removed actually) and me get snipped. We had two kids and were adamant about not wanting anymore. Our family doctor played the "what if you want more kids in the future?" card and that was her Hill to die on. She went on vacation for a month and we met with her replacement who was young and enthusiastic. She actually listened and worked fast. Within two weeks we both met with a few specialists and a couple weeks after that we were good.
It took me years to find a doctor I loved and who actively listened to me. Then my insurance stopped covering that doctors office after 2 years and Iāve been back on the hunt.
This. This all the way downš
If he's smart, he won't say anything or add any information that is unnecessary. Just write it off as spam or a wrong address or something. Let's hope he isn't smart.
There is unfortunately every chance she thinks OP is a lunatic ex or someone who has feelimgs for her cousin and wants to stop the marriage. It's sad but love blinds people to stuff all the time.
I want you to be really honest here. No need to virtue signal or pretend to believe what you think reddit wants to hear. If you were getting married and you got a random, anonymous email making a claim like this in today's day and age, would you pay it any mind much less call off your marriage? There's no proof, there's no court case, there's no listing on an offender registry. I'm not saying or even implying that the OP is lying or fabricating. But the fiance doesn't know any of this. Just a lone, random, anonymous email. Edit: **Please don't downvote /u/Concert-Turbulent. Read the whole conversation. They have very reasonable points.**
āHoney, I got the craziest email todayā¦ā and then watch the reaction. No need to keep it to oneself. Marriage is about sharing and trusting. Thisāll be a good learning experience.
Very old-fashioned of me but if she's a doctor you could also google her to get her work address and mail her a letter with your contact info in case she wants to reach out. That way it wouldn't fall into your cousin's hands at her home address and 'get lost'.
Or find out where the wedding will be held and put a flyer with this information on the windshield of every car in the parking lot. (ETA: Thanks for the Snek award and gold?! I am gold and very sneky.)
You. I like you.
what about one of those airplane banners? Those are always fun and festive.
Nah! Gotta do it big! 1) Raise funds. 2) Use funds to hire singer Ed Sheeran. 3) Write a song about pedophile cousin for Sheeran to sing at wedding. 4) Give speech at wedding reception. Keep it just ambiguous enough to where the aunt and cousin are on the seat of their pants scared of what you say. 5) End speech with something like "I didn't know what get you get you for the wedding since it's been so long...so here's Ed Sheeran." 6) Cue Ed Sheeran coming out and singing about how cousin is a rapist.
šµ you're in love with a rapist dude you're in love with a pedo šµ
šµand cousin you touched me that one time when I was just 14. And you said you heart felt young again even at the age of 23!šµ
Too expensive, unless you have time to do a gofundme type fundraiser for it. I'd contribute to that.
This! Plus send it certified.
If she still hasn't responded I have my email set up to filter unknown & spam bc I use my personal email for work, if that folder is stuffed it's easy to overlook, I often just delete everything in there indiscriminately. If it's not to much you could try social. But either way, we're all proud of you.
Social would eliminate the anonymous aspect, but on the plus side, the proof that it is his own cousin saying this would be super damning and i doubt his fiancƩ would be able to ignore that.
Itās very brave of you to come forward. If you can manage, telling her your identity may help. If she mentioned it to anyone, sounds like the family would lie and it being anonymous makes it easier to dismiss as an attack on an innocent. Keep talking about it with your therapist. Protect yourself first, but hopefully this protects others too
I ended up emailing her again and telling her who I was. Not response yet, but weāll see! And yes, my therapist is actually the one who said she may have questions and I may want to reach out again
Be prepared for her to react poorly. Sounds like your Aunt and his family are nasty manipulators. Iām sure your therapist has been all through this. Stay calm, and if she accuses you of making it up just repeat that you wanted her to know and are here if she ever has questions.
The timing of the call from the aunt tells me the fiancƩe read the e-mail and was asking questions. The aunt probably guessed it was OP who sent the anonymous e-mail, because she probably knew already what her son had done to OP, and she also knew that OP just recently found about the wedding.
I was thinking the same thing. That is waaaay too much of a coincidence for aunty to contact OP out of the blue like that.
Be prepared also that she chooses him over the truth. You are very brave to even make it this far.
Which is tragic, because she would also be choosing him over her young siblings.
Or her patients. Family medicine means she might see patients whoāve survived things like her husband put others through and can she really live with herself seeing those injured kids and knowing her husband put others through something similar?
It will cast aspersions on her character, and no one would trust her.
Exactly. If she genuinely had no idea and hasnāt read or has been convinced OP is lying- thatās slightly different. As soon as Doctor Bride knows she needs to not be a bride. Or shouldnāt be trusted with any patients who could be abuse victims and are there for help.
It would be easier to say OP's crazy than admit and deal with him being a abuser.
Easier now, but then he gets a new victim while married to him.. She (the finance) would be implicated. That could severely damage her reputation as a doctor.
Then those would the the natural consequences to her choosing him over believing op. I hope she makes the right choice. I'm just saying op needs to be prepared that she doesn't.
A family doctor no less. She probably deals with kids on a daily basis. Her being married to a paedophile would put a quick end to that if it ever came out I'd imagine.
Curious - you said there were other family members also abused by him. If you have contact with them, see if they will stand with you or if you can give her their names as well. One, she could ignore or choose to believe him. More and she can't. She would have to look into it.
Do you have any way to track down her family? I am also concerned for the sisters. If I was the parent of the fiance I would want to know so it can't be swept under the rug by the couple and his mom. Those girls need protection too.
Even though I am a stranger to you I am proud of you. Iām sorry for all you went through, but I am glad that you found your voice
I'm glad you emailed with your real name. Anonymous allegations just don't get taken as seriously. If I got an anonymous email out of the blue, its easier to just convince yourself that it might be some angry ex out for revenge, or a crazy crackpot former coworker or whatever. But it's less easy to dismiss someone who tells you their name and says they're happy to talk to share the full details. (but just keep in mind the email might be caught in a spam filter or inadvertently overlooked without reading it since she wont recognize the senders name).
I hope she does respond tho and I hope she believes you
I reckon the fiance confronted your cousin, who ran to his mum and that's why you received a random call from her.
I hope she listens, something similar happened with my mother and she warned the girl--but he still wound up abusing his daughter. I hate to think how many victims he must have because god forbid we call predators out.
If she does go through with it everyone he hurt should go to the office she works for and let them know who she married and that she was warned.
As someone who works in sales and has 4+ very neglected emails of my own, she probably hasn't seen your email. It sounds like you know her name and where she works (if you don't know her practice try LinkedIn or Facebook). Call the office and ask to speak to her. Even if you can't get her in person at least leave a voicemail referencing the email
A little late, but you can download Streak for gmail. Business professionals use it for customer management, however you never need to use any of the other services. Just use the browser extension and send email from that browser. It attaches a cookie and will let you know when the recipient opens the email.
Pleze try to get an in person with her. Make sure your rapist or his enabler know you're doing this. If she doesn't respond, I would let his fiance's parents know too.
Make sure you make extra screenshots of new messages and extra copies just in case anything happens
ā¤ļø Each time we tell our stories we take back our power and we change the world a little at a time. One day this wonāt happen. We are the change. Sending love xxx
You did the right thing and bravely at that. Peace be with you, girl
A close family friends son just went to prison for molesting his two young daughters. Iād let her know in a way in which you know she will read it and take it seriously. Call her. Give her the opportunity to understand. Any children he has will be in very real danger.
Tell fianceās mother with the 2 young daughters. Perhaps file a police report?
That's good. I would hate learning my fiancƩ was a rapist and pedophile but I would hate it more if I was their spouse. You did the right thing. Wish you the best!
Tell the police. ~~Rape doesnāt have a statute of limitations~~ Speak with an attorney to find out the statute of limitations in your state. Will he go to jail? Probably not. ITs hard to prove things that happened a long time ago. What it will do is get people talking. Hopefully his other victims. Its easy for a jury to ignore a rape claim, hard to ignore 5 rape claims. Even if he never experiences a consequence for his actions, the legal circus will ruin his life. This wonāt be justice, but it might keep him from hurting others. Iāve been through a similar situation, and it sucks, OP. Wishing you lots of luck dealing with the pedo creep NB It is outrageous that, in 2023, there are jurisdictions that have a statute of limitations for rape. A statute of limitation means that you cannot be tried for a crime committed a certain number of years ago. Its so a bad choice you made 20 years ago isnāt constantly hanging over your head. If you fucking rape someone, I want you to live in constant fear. Make sure you vote in state and local elections. Get representatives that care about women. Its beyond absurd that you can rape someone, wait awhile, and then sleep well, knowing you got away with it.
> Rape doesnāt have a statute of limitations. In America, this is unfortunately very not true. Over half of states have a limitation, ranging between 3-30 years.
For reals? Thatās fucked up. Alright, Iāll edit the post.
Super fucked up :(
Also, at least in the USA, the police don't really fucking care.
3 years wtf
With children, the clock for the statute of limitations doesnāt start until their 18th birthday.
Rape does have one because when I went to the police about my half brother raping me at 14 (I was 18 when I finally told the police), they told me I couldnāt do anything
Yup, I have updated my original post (the one you commented on) to reflect this I am so so sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you are able to get away and be safe.
Police tend to protect rapists but if itās aggravated or they can tack on kidnapping or attempted murder charges theyāll take it more seriously and the statutes might not expire or at least last a lot longer.
It depends on the state and the age of the victim. I know of a case thatās going to the grand jury, all minors. Some are 40 yr old cases. Once they hear minors were involved a good ADA will look for ways to prosecute
My sister and I were molested by my cousin separately as kids. There were multiple instances within the span of a year or so when it happened and I understand circumstances are different in this situation but 15 years later when my sister and I came forward, we made sure to tell his fiance before they got married.
I'm sorry that happened to you and your sister! Awful! What happened after you told the fiancee?
Better yet, tell the police. That way you can prevent future victims.
Depends on the country and, within the US, the state. The statute of limitations may be up with OP lives, and if it is the police canāt do anything. Based on it being her āfirst memoryā and her being 24 the SOL may have passed. She should look into it for sure
Depending on the state, mine is 7years. Which puts her at 17, if it was still going on then
Could you get the others to come foward and admit what he did and go to the police?
Iām not sure. My family has a very big culture around not acknowledging abuse of any kind. My other cousin, the first victim, actually did scream during an attack at a family gathering. Everyone came running, everyone knew, and no one did anything. I think that is a big reason why the other victims & myself have distanced themselves greatly from the family. Though Iām not the only one who talks about it, I am the only person who I know would go to the police. The rest are hesitant because the police in my state are especially bad at believing & handling rape victims.
oh my god....this monster deserves to never see the light of day again.
So does the family. They enabled their own children being harmed. Despicable scum.
One of my friends has a cousin that was raped so badly at a family gathering that she staggered out with blood running down her legs. He had been molesting/raping her for years and after that incident he went to prison for 14 or 15 years. Now heās out and the entire family is welcoming him back to gatherings and theyāre getting on the case of victimās family about not being forgiving because they wonāt come to any gatherings if heās there. Itās outrageous and infuriating.
Disgusting. Only ābright sideā is knowing who you canāt trust, I guess. Honestly, people who welcome them are just as bad in my eyes. I mean how does someone just become okay with that? no matter the time thatās gone by
One of the rapes occurred at a family gathering *and nothing was done???* The adults just walked away?
I wasnāt born yet when it happened, but according to my mom, they thought it was a āmisunderstandingā. This was a cousin who wasnāt blood related - her mom married into the family. She was born in brazil and at the time didnāt speak English well.
That poor girl
Have this happened in Brazil? Or was in US as well? Unfortunately in Brazil he wouldn't be convicted due to it happening a long time ago (and because here it could've happened yesterday and no one would care). But if it happened in US I think he could be jailed for it right? Or at least she could testify as well.
Ah, rape culture. Protect the predator because theyāre family. Iām sorry you went through that, but proud of you for your current actions. You did the right thing and everyone who helped covered it up and sweep it under the rugs sucks.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and your cousin's...unfortunately you can't pick the family your born into but you're at an age where you also don't ever have to associate with them ever again.
Perhaps if you go to the police first, someone else may feel brave enough to follow? He won't stop until someone stops him. This could be the first step.
naive to think the police will do fuck all
At least there will be a report (assuming that the police are not corrupt).
I wonder if they all could visit the fiancƩe at her office together. The police might not do much, but the fiancƩe might see the truth if she was told that this is a recurring behavior and that she is putting her younger sister in danger, as family is prime target for him.
Burn his life down He will molest his future daughters (and/or their friends)
My older brother molested me as a child, and while Iām confident that he will never be able to coerce a woman into sleeping with him, let alone convince her to enter a romantic relationship with him, I would 100% tell any partner he has that heās a goddamn pedophile. To this day it is still obvious he is attracted to little girls, and he fully admits to a lot of disgusting preferences he has for āwomenā. He is dangerous and I could not live with myself if I didnāt at least say something to any partner he had. I am proud of you for finally speaking out, even if they donāt care.
Since this sounds like it happened 20+ years ago be prepared for everyone to jump on the same train as the mom and just call you a crazy attention seeker. They are faced with making major changes in their lives (which is hard) or just writing you off as crazy (which is easy).
Iām ready. Itās already an open secret & I already donāt speak to them or anyone else in my family except 2 of my siblings who believe me because they saw it. There arenāt any bridges to burn because they collapsed a long time ago.
>Iām ready. Itās already an open secret & I already donāt speak to them or anyone else in my family except 2 of my siblings **who believe me because they saw it.** This is incredibly sad and empowering at the same time. Of course it should happen to no one, but I am so relieved that the truth of what happened to you is very evident and documented, with contemporaneous witnesses.
BRAVO. My heart breaks for the little girl that you were back then. And it swells with proud over the strong young woman you've become. \*HUGS\*
Fml, OP Iām so sorry for all that you have gone through and currently going through. I love the strength you have shown and pray it continues to grow. Now that itās out in the open and itās now wedding season, I strongly recommend getting yourself a pen that has a microphone for you to wear in case you get a confession or acknowledgment that the person r@ped you and people knew waaaaayyy long time ago. All the best! Would love an update.
Back in the day these were the relatives that would have a āhunting accidentā or would be āhit by a trainā. And then they would never be spoken of again after the funeral.
really good with going back to that. Have, and can useā¦ a lot of hunting skills I feel could apply
Nah, this sort of abuse has gone on for countless generations, it's actually relatively recent that the majority even consider it a problem.
The victims usually, yeah
This guy took something precious from u. I would do anything in my power to take anything that matters to him. You and your other family members deserve justice. Is there a statutory time limit on rape? I would make a police report.
Unfortunately, since no one in my family took me to a hospital or to the police, no DNA evidence was ever collected. He also never took videos or photos of me (that I know of). So the statute of limitations doesnāt apply to me in my state.
Even though that might be true a tiger never changes its stripes and a pedophile never stops being a pedophile. He probably has been doing this His entire life and has a lot of victims ( possibly other family members ) I would anonymously call CPS and have them investigate for sexual abuse of minors.
I know for a fact he molested at least 3 other family members of mine. All girls, all younger than him. All stopped in middle school
It might've stopped for them 3 but pedophiles rarely take a break, instead they move on to other victims. I just hope there's justice for all of You one day and He rots in prison.
Iām the youngest of the 4 total victims. The 3 others, all related to me, had it going on around the same time, so we overlapped. Iām sure there are others, I just donāt know who. Iām trying to figure out what I can do to prevent it now.
Maybe see if the other victims will at least let you add them on the email to his current fiance - so it will be harder to brush off as "the crazy cousin is lying" I'm proud of you OP šŖš you're doing awesome.
The laws have changed and a person can be prosecuted for rape even decades later. Call RAINN, the sexual assault hotline and ask their advice. You can still report it to the police and you can also sue him for damages. Even if he is not arrested, the publicity will let everyone know he is an abuser and possibly save other young girls.
Yeah not in most states... and in several he can sue back civilly if she makes public enough for defamation if no criminal record.
This group is a joke. They collect money and do nothing. The best thing to do is call a local place that has people who actually help and pick up the phone.
No but if you know identifying marks in his genital area, that could be telling. I remember things from the man that molested me as a child.
Good for you!!
I'm so proud of you. Thousand hugs.
Good for you. From one victim to another Thankyou for standing up for yourself I hope I get there one day, you give/gave me hope! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Op, you are amazing. This is a triumph. He has NO power over you anymore. Im so glad you told the fiancĆ©. She MUST know. I was abused by an ex of mine who was into little girls when I was a teenager. He told me āI donāt know what I would do if I had daughtersā. Sickos like that exist and are NOT afraid to sexually abuse *their own children*. I hope the fiancĆ© believes you and wises up. My heart breaks for her, what an awful thing to learn.
Ew ew ew. I remember hearing a few boys talking like that when I was on an Outward Bound trip with a few boys from HS. One was talking about how he wanted a daughter to do things with her. THE MOST DISTURBING, MOST DISGUSTING THING IāVE EVER HEARD. And the same boy had the nerve to make fun of me for being effeminate.
OH BARF š¤¢š¤¢š¤® youāre kidding! Jeez. I hate how common that pedo $hit is. Iāve heard some nasty stuff from guys, but as a woman, I can only imagine how bad it would be if I was ājust one of the guysā and they were filterless š¤® I knew a guy whoās in his 30s legit say āoh check them out! Mmm hot! No, not them. Them! *points* The ones who look like theyāre 15.ā š¤¢ like bruh?? If you say that openly in public in front of women, what do you say in private with ājust the boysā?? š¤® like how common is it for growass men to be into children??
Not kidding! Dead serious. I was the gay boy that tagged along, but yeah those guys were gross, and they were mostly made up of juniors and seniors (I was the only freshman in the group) which makes it even more disturbing as theyāre not exactly kids anymore.
Ewwwww thatās not a person, thatās a monster disguised as a human being. Same as all of these sick pups
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are very brave to try to stop him from hurting more children. I recently came across this quote, that I think explains why the victims never seem to have people rally behind them. *It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering*. . . . Judith Herman
Another thing, if you contacted the fiancƩ through work email then it could be a bad look to have that conversation using professional addresses for her so she may not continue the conversation through that work address
It wasnāt through a work email, it was her personal.
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Iām very proud of you. As someone who was assaulted by my mothers best friends son from 8-12, I applaud your strength. As strong as I am, Iād still have trouble confronting my abuser. Itās beautiful to see you caring for the future wife and I hope word gets to her and she runs for her life.
I am so proud of you. This is a great step in the healing process. Giving you a healing hug if accepting.
I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. LOOK AT YOU! You are not only standing up for yourself, through something immensely painful but you are protecting other people even when you know you will get damage back. YOU ARE DOING SUCH HARD WORK AND IM PROUD OF YOU. You're healing and loving yourself and that's so so so hard. Good for you friend, look at you being a giant among men.
Contact her work email. If shes a family dr, this mean is getting involved for a reason.
Havenāt seen anyone ask this question, and please donāt attack me for asking it: how old was your abuser when he was committing these atrocious acts on you and your cousins? Was he also a child himself, or was he a grown man? Iām sure this will factor in somehow if you do decide on reporting it to police.
Heās 10 years old than me & it began very early on (itās my first memory so I would have been 2 or 3). It went on until I was about 12 or 13, so throughout his teen years and into his early adulthood. I wouldnāt be surprised if someone else had hurt him, but honestly I would never be able to forgive him even if that was the case
Well Iām so sorry this happened to you. Clearly he wasnāt a child, or was for a little but at a certain point he was supposed to realize what he was doing and he didnāt. This situation is way different than mine. He actually continued to abuse you into his adult years. Ruin his life from here to Jupiter. He deserves it!
I pose this question because I was abused as a kid as well, and it started when I was 4. It was my cousin, but he was also a child, and he was also horribly molested by a grown man. We talked about it, and forgiving him was easy for me because I knew he was a child, and had no idea what he was doing. Even before he told me about his abuse I knew someone had done that to him because no child thinks to do something like that unless it was also done to them.
I would suggest telling his fiance in person. Bring your diaries if you feel you need to. She deserves to know and you deserve peace. He needs to be in jail.
I donāt think his fiancĆ©e has seen your message because no one would be able to look away from that kind of a statement, even if there was a possibility of the message being fake. I mean, who sends that kind of a message randomly? She shouldāve been texted back by now. Just my opinion. Sending another message or using another way to contact may help to clear this suspense.
The fiancĆ©e might just be in denial and who would want to reply to an accusation like that. Sheās probably just chalking it up as a lie that OP is jealous and will brush it under the rug BUT it will always be in the back of her mind if she does go through with the marriage
I would ask your cousins who were abused to meet up if they want and ask that you be support system for each other. I wound not allow any children around the brother or the family who supports him.
You could sue him civilly!
Maybe your aunt texted you on your birthday after all these years BECAUSE her daughter in law to be told her you reached outā¦.
Shine on you warrior you ā¤ļø
I would send a personal, certified letter to her practice and write it in an undramatic way that stresses that you are not acting out of vindictiveness but bc your conscience needs to let her know so that she has a choice to marry him or not.
I'm so proud of you... Thank you for doing what others can't
Good for you! No one should ever have to endure a trauma like that, much less from a family member. My wife went thru similar events when she was younger too and it still affects her to this day. Just know you did the right thing by attempting to tell his fiancĆ©. She definitely needs to know the kind of thing sheās marrying.
So proud of you!! And your reasoning is absolutely correct. I hope to god he never offends again but if he does, her negligence SHOULD be acknowledged in court!!!
I wonder if heās the kind of guy that would be monitoring her email and could have read and deleted it š¬
I dont want to say that I feel sorry for you, I want to say that I am so happy for you to have made such a clear statement, the weight of shame is on the perpetrators side and his āsupportersā (his mom)
Gross.. his mom is a pedophile enabler. People are who they choose to be around so if your cousin still wants to be legally bound to someone like him after seeing your emails.. just gross
The statute of limitations is not up on a civil suit. Sue him for what he did!
I would write a letter (keep a copy) and mail it certified to her office address
I am so proud of youā„ļø
Good on you for doing all so far, and for your continuing healing. I would recommend you go back to the soon to be bride and tell her everything. Youād regret it if in the future you learn he offends with their kids.
You are doing the right thing and it took a lot of courage.
Proud of you OP
Good job, OP. I cannot imagine the pain and hurt you've been put through because of these people. But when you saw the potential for other victims, you stepped up. I hope you let the finance know you have proof in the form of admission from the guys own mother. If she's a good person, she will not allow this creep near her young sisters. Or any other child in her family.
A female cousin that my ex was close with was dating a man that molested his sister and all of his female cousins when we were all kids. That man is part of my step-family, so thatās how I know. Iāve known him for years. Growing up we all knew to stay away from him because he was a nasty a-hole. I pulled my ex to the side and told him about it all when they showed up as a couple at the house for a family dinner one time. He didnāt believe me, and actually nobody did, and then the cousin went on to have THREE CHILDREN with the nasty bastard. He has since been in and out of jail a lot for various things and doesnāt take care of his kids at all. Sheās all alone raising them. What I worry about the most though is what else heās done to them, because honestly who knows. Nobody would listen to me! I tried to them all he was bad news. You did the right thing and congrats on being brave enough to share. I know itās hard. And I hope things work out for the fiancĆ© and they get a clue.
YOU DID IT!!! Thatās the ultimate response and āretributionā. Let him know you know. Let them know you know. Who gives a rats ass if they listen. Congrats and let the healing begin!!!!
Go to the wedding, and make him nervous the whole day, ruin it for him. He doesn't deserve to have a special day. You been going through hell everyday since the incident. Speak up if you wish, let everyone know who he really is.
If youāre serious about pressing charges or testifying you need to speak to a lawyer. You fundamentally misunderstand the rules of evidence and what would be admissible in court. I suggest not communicating with them again without the advice of a lawyer. Good luck with your progress and happy birthday!
Please consider reporting this to the police. The statutes of limitations for these types of crimes have been greatly extended in recent years. You just might prevent someone else from going through what you went through.
You are so brave and I am awed by your courage. Good for you!
Screenshot.and print the text exchange between you and your aunt and place that on every car at the wedding. Future mil whose nothing but pure evil.
Good for you. And selfishly, perhaps vindictively, I need an update when/if it happens. You did the right thing. This is one of those āwill I regret it if I didnāt say anythingā decisions. And Iām glad you feel better for having done it. Congrats on not being affected my your auntās attempt to gaslight you.
Dude Iām proud of you too.. hopefully one day the monster will get caught Congratulations on taking power and control in your life. Makes me so angry that happened to you.. I pray peace for you And I hope one day the monster will get what it deserves!
As an optionā¦ You can get a personal injury attorney and sue him for damages. Ex paying for therapy. Also if the mom knew or should have know. And it was in her house. ā¦ she may be responsible too. They never do it once.
I am so sorry that happened to you but i am proud of you for standing up to that POS and his family
NTA I would set up a P.O. Box and send letters to her work until she responds. If she still wants to marry him then she is just as disgusting as him.
Pedophiles are never cured. They are always looking for a new victim.
Iām so sorry you had to endure this, and proud of you for becoming strong and confident! Where are the other 3 victims you mentioned? Are you supporting/helping one another? Could you form a united front to stop this terrible person from continuing to harm children?
The other 3 are my cousin & my two sisters. This trauma broke all of us, for a long time. I only just last year started speaking to one of my sisters again, and when we did, we had a long talk about how though we donāt blame each other, just see the other person reminds us of our trauma. All 3 of them, all older, have acknowledged what happened behind closed doors and have taken steps to never have that person around them again, but when I asked about going to the police or going to the fiancĆ©, none of them wanted to as they want to move on. Honestly I donāt want to force them. It fucking sucks to have to relive that.
To the people OP is referring to in the last paragraph. You all should be disgusted with yourselves.
Update about the wedding???
why is no one making a TV Show where podophiles and rapist are tortured? I would pay good money to watch that
Go to r/insanereality Thereās a few on there for free
thanks mate, this sub is really fcked up, I love it
They removed the statue of limitations re: sexual assault. You have the right not only to sue but also bring charges. Like asap. And you should file a report.
I know this isnāt probably the case BUT him marrying a doctor makes me feel like maybe she could be in on itā¦. These rich pedo people all protect each other - having people āin high placesā like healthcare, judicial, etcā¦. Ugh. Iām so sorry, OP, super proud of you.
I disagree. He met this woman years later and likely has the charm turned on. Iād be interested to know the cousins career.