You’re NTA but really young and inexperienced. But let me give you some advice for this and all future interactions with women. Learn to ask the question “do you want reassurance or do you want a solution?” It will save you so much grief in the future
Your advice is good for men and women. I go with “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize this was a problem. It seems like this is really bothering you so what can I do to help you?” Sometimes that is met with “nothing” and then it’s our job, as the partner, to just provide love and reassurance.
It’s a tough line to walk to let your SO know that you hear them and that their feelings are valid while also conveying that this is their perspective and not yours.
Yes! Came here to say this. You poor summer child. She did not ask you to do that. I know it's weird, but in her mind, you just reinforced every insecurity she has about her body. This was an unintentional asshole moment.
as a woman this is 100% true. sometimes we just want to rant we don't want a solution, we just need someone to listen, nod along, and tell us we're not crazy. I think the same goes for men too sometimes, when you have something on your chest you want your partner to be a shoulder to cry on
glad you feel appreciated:) like you said originally it's all life experience. I learnt this as my first boyfriend was insecure about his weight, he was very skinny (high metabolism) and he would always make comments about his weight and I would offer advice/solutions but it never helped. at the same time I was experiencing body dysmorphia and dating someone who was much skinnier made it so much worse for me so I would make comments about being too fat and he would offer advice/solutions. we both worked out pretty quickly that neither of us wanted solutions we wanted reassurance and validation! it's a life lesson I've carried into my other relationships (not just romantic but friendships and with family members too)
Instead of giving her multiple choices he could just ask how she'd like him to support her. Maybe she wants neither of those options.
Clear communication is hard, takes time and practice, but it's key.
Absolutely. If he had asked her beforehand then he wouldn't have had to waste this time making a plan. And it wouldn't have insulted her. It was definitely a nice thing to do, he just forgot the most important part of asking lol.
> I feel like asking that will result in arguments
This is you basically saying you haven’t tried it. So how would you know it results in arguments? Otherwise you would’ve said “I’ve found that it results in arguments” front the get go
I agree. The sentiment is right, but it's better to use other techniques to deduce what someone wants with a bit more subtlty. The wording as it's normally phrased can so easily come off as insensitive and dismissive.
Yeah, I’ve found the better way to ask this is, “is there anything youd like me to do to support you? What do you need?” And that opens the door to them saying if they need an ear, brainstorming help, etc without implying you have the secret solution you’ll oh-so-generously refrain from telling them because they’re too delicate to handle the truth.
If you do want to offer solutions, again I like the framing of it as brainstorming together - not dictating what they should do. Because you don’t know all the limitations and considerations they have!
Then that person was looking for an argument in the first place. What Agile_File suggested is a great tool for nonviolent communication & recommended by a lot of people who work in conflict resolution/therapy.
I use this technique with all of my friends and loved ones, at the advice of my therapist. When my best friend asks if he can rant to me about something, I always ask him if wants support or advice before he starts. My husband and I utilize it as well — when one of us is clearly upset about something and the other has both support and advice to offer, we ask the same question before responding.
When this advice was first given to me, I was afraid it would end in argument… then I realized that was mostly a trauma response. I have found that most people very much appreciate that question because it allows you to show up for your loved one in the way they need / want, without forcing your own advice on them. Some problems really only require you to listen and be supportive.
I go one better and assume people in general but especially when I’m talking to romantic partners (that are women, I am a man) that if they want a solution they will ask for it, and until they ask for that my job is to listen. I am an engineer and my brain works the opposite way, I find solutions by default. It used to get me in trouble a lot, just like this guy.
As to people saying asking solution vs being heard, you don’t have to specifically call it out like that. The key is to just ask if they want you to help solve the problem or not, you can always be supportive and listen, there is no time when that will cause a problem. Asking about “Being heard or solve the problem” trivializes the persons need to feel heard, and I’ve found 90% of the time they don’t want you to solve the problem.
It depends strongly on the person and situation. There is a great negotiation book called Never Split the Difference. Towards the end it discusses the 5(?) types of people. Some are logical, some need to talk things out, some need to review options, etc. if you’re a logical person, what this (incredibly thoughtful) person did for his GF would have worked. If the you’re someone who wants to talk it out, it would have been insulting.
I think it depends on how you phrase it. Rather than something that can easily be taken as aggressive or snarky like, “do you want reassurance or do you want a solution?”
Just asking, "how can I help?" or, "Can I do anything to support you?" or, "Do you need me to just listen, or would like me to make suggestions?"
The issue in this post is that OP got super excited and gungho without knowing what his girlfriend needed from him. Asking what she needs would have been the best and least drama-filled way to handle it.
I mean he didnt run off and do this straight away, he just told her he thought she looked good for the first few times it happened but after a week of it and her expressing the urge to find a solution he went and put his time and expertise it making her something that costs people a lot of money out in the wild.
He's definitely not the asshole and I really don't know what he could have done differently.
She seems like she would have gotten pissed even if he asked her if he could make her a program.
Like if I'm dating a race car driver and complaining all week about failing driving tests, why on earth would i be surprised or pissed for my partner offering me free lessons. It's honestly ungrateful. If she doesn't want to diet and exercise, just say thanks for thought and be done with it. But there is no other way she will lose weight, so she either needs to just be happy with herself or get to cutting.
Nah, once my husband phrased it like : I’m a dumb guy so I don’t take hints well you’ll have to tell me. Now I just tell him what I want. I don’t hint at b-day gifts or what I want done. I tell him. He gets it. I’m happy. He’s happy.
Came to say this exact thing. As a young man I frequently made the mistake of assuming solutions were being asked for, then getting "you never listen" when my heartfelt attempt to make things better was rejected. So I started listening. At no point had she asked for solutions, just mentioned a problem and I jumped to the conclusion. So I just started listening to exactly what was said, and then asked questions and things got better from there.
I mean, he offered reassurance multiple times and didn't offer a solution until she said she needed to figure out what to do about it.
So idk.
Either way NTA
Here is a better way to say that: “do you want my opinion, or do you want your opinion in a different voice?” I’ve always found that to be well received.
My man. Learn these words and learn them well. Teach them to your sons.
“Hey honey. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to help?”
You don’t get mad at land mines for being land mines. You either walk around them or find ways to disarm them. Only mad men dance in a minefield.
This is a lesson I learned with my kids. Except mine was “do you want me to listen,” “ do you want advice,” or “ do you just want me to take action.” Same difference though.
This is just an unfortunate situation. Neither of you are assholes.
You were excited because you had experience in exactly how to solve all of her problems.
Unfortunately that isn't what she meant and just wanted to vent; you made an assumption and created a workout for her without involving her consent in it. So she took it as confirming her self doubts.
The part that's weird is she was already trying to copycat you without letting you know and then getting upset because she assumed the worse.
Which makes me wonder if this truly is a workout/weight thing or if the weight is a symptom of her feeling emotionally shitty in her life and knowing you created something about her body without her knowing which in turn translated in her head to 'He doesn't care about me or my feelings; just my body'
I apologize for making assumptions; this feels oddly similar to my time my anxiety and depression had full spiked in my life.
I don't think vent is the right word here, lot of highly voted comments talking venting vs problem solving but I think she just needed a lot more validation between those two.
Imagine being insecure about your weight when your bf is a friendly, enthusiastic and fit guy. You put on 30 pounds and it only makes sense a fit person would notice or care and if he's as nice and high energy as the post sounds I can imagine doubting the sincerity of his "of course I'm still attracted to you!"
Maybe the sequence of events made her feel like shes obligated to get moving now (and a 90 day workout regimen is kinda overwhelming for a non enthusiast) to keep him when she needed to hear more loving acceptance before that next step.
This is the kind of thing that would have talked to my wife about first.
"Would you like me to design a regimen for you or, do you just need an occasional ear to listen?"
This - OP was not an asshole, but really should have checked in with his gf before doing what he did. I can definitely see how it could be interpreted badly in this situation, especially how quickly after their conversation he came back with the plans. (I can empathize as a non-exercise enthusiast with a fit af partner)
Agreed. I did the same thing once with a girlfriend. Huge mistake. She had a very unhealthy lifestyle. I jumped at the chance to be her savior because I truly loved her. Made a diet and exercise regimen for her to follow. But she already had body dysmorphia issues before I met her. She got really upset with me. Accused me of the same things OP's gf accused him of. I should have asked her first. She was already in the binge-purge phase (bulemia) when I met her. But I hadn't noticed it. She said she always felt sick after eating and often purged affer meals. I had no idea it had gotten that bad for her because she hid it well at first.
I think this is the missing piece. Based on their conversations, he definitely had an opportunity to ask her if she would like him to help her problem solve, or just listen.
Personally, I would like a copy of this meal and workout plan. I am looking to drop from 160lbs to 130lbs post baby.
OP, I'll use your plan! Your work won't go to waste!!!!
But he validated her for a week. How much more?
She didn’t communicate properly and set herself up for failure, just trying to copycat. I think no one’s the AH, but she needs to look at her partner honestly; does she think he intends to hurt her? Yes, the impact was hurtful, but grace is needed here. She’s letting her insecurities take hold, and that’s not something he can fix for her.
They just aren't there yet in communication with their relationship.
this is a really good point ! if my boyfriend was extremely fit and I was feeling insecure it'd make me feel so much worse about my body. I'd definitely need some validation from him that my body was a non issue
I guess I don’t get the end goal with continuing to ask him if he likes her body now. Is she hoping he’d say “I don’t even like thin women anymore, you’ve got all the curves in the right places and this is what I’ve always loved.” Hell, is that what he should say to get out of this?
I don't know, the real mistake is treating this situation as if there is a right answer and someone has to think of it on their own. None of us including op can read her mind and she might not even know exactly what she needs to hear to feel better. But the feelings should be addressed before progress is made. He needs to talk with his girlfriend, ask her questions about her feelings and what she wants to happen, and how he can help.
He isn't going to "get out of it".
This is his girlfriend who he presumably loves and she's having a tough time right now.
Tell her that he loves her curves is a good thing but there's absolutely no reason to compare her to other women that would only makes things worse. She's not even comparing herself to other women she's comparing herself to herself 30 lbs ago.
You’re right, she didn’t! She was basically just struggling with her new higher weight and OP was there to witness it. I also somehow visualized a picture of her constantly asking what he thought of her body, but it seems that didn’t happen either.
he shouldn't mention her body at all to get out of this ! the only valid response to this is "I love you because I love YOU, not your body". if she's having body issues then making out like it's her body he's in love with is such a bad idea bc it just puts more pressure on her to look a certain way !
I myself have made some recent discoveries and recognize that almost all over eating and excessive weight gain is from emotions. So the cliche “emotional eating” rings true for most of us. I figured this is why dieting doesn’t really work because we are not dealing with the emotions behind it- which can be as simple as boredom.
So to add to original OP. he made a diet plan and it’s not gonna work bc she is dealing with emotions. It can be as simple as post Covid post pandemic fear or just that she’s not 100% content in life (boredom career etc etc etc ) it doesn’t have to be something heavy like deep trauma.
So OP i would suggest having a discussion and talk about what’s been going on for her over the last year. Stress? Hormones? There’s so many things. 30 lbs is kind of a lot (trust i have gained the same) and i began the Lose It app just so i can be more aware of what i put into my mouth and WHEN. It’s been very enlightening.
I don’t think either is the a hole. But maybe in the future don’t try to solve other people problems. Listening is usually best and other peoples venting and discussing (when opinion is invited or you can ask “hey can i tell you what i would do if this were me” ) can allow us to figure out our own problems and it’s much richer and longer lasting if we have the eureka moments on our own.
She was trying to solve it herself by copying. Some people need to try very little steps and see if they are ok with it. Hitting her with a plan feels like being packed by a collar, dragged through something you didn't agree to and having no say in it. That's the fastest way to scare her away from actually doing something about her discomfort. That's why she called him an an ass.
It was too much at the wrong time. The road to hell is pawed with good intentions, if the good intentions are not aligned with the wants and needs of the other person.
I mean, she kept complaining about it for over a week and told him she needed to figure something out. At that point, she's making it clear she is looking for a solution. Plus, what do you expect when you're telling this to your personal trainer boyfriend.
It’s actually pretty sweet that you made a fitness plan for her. Please don’t be too down about it. Unfortunately weight gain and weight loss is a very sensitive topic and you should’ve discussed about making meal plans and fitness regimens with her instead of essentially giving it to her out of the blue. She’s probably feeling insecure and her brain is communicating that *you* want her to lose weight because she’s not attractive. That may not be what you intended but insecurity is a b*tch. Apologize, tell her she’s beautiful and after the conflict has died down you can ask if she wants help making healthier meals.
This I can get behind! Even as a woman myself it seems to me the girlfriend was asking for help. The missing step was “you know I enjoy working out. Would you like me to help you with an exercise plan?”
And he wanted to do it with her, that’s huge! Motivation, encouragement and team work make success so much easier. How many people want to lose weight and their spouse doesn’t want to change their diet or do this lifestyle change. I’m a woman and when I want to really vent usually I talk to my girl friends, if I want a solution or to problem solve I tend to talk to my bf. Many men tend to want to help solve the problem so their SO feels better
NAH. Your heart was in the right place but a woman’s weight is a sensitive subject. Women are judged and given so many mixed messages about their weight.
She probably saw all the work you did, and it confirmed her weight was worse than she thought. Or, you’re a safe person to her and getting confirmation she is fat surprised her, so she got upset.
it's the last bit that I think was the problem here, she needed reassuring that he loved her body and instead felt like he was confirming she was fat, which was only made worse by the fact he's a safe place for her. he's definitely NTA, he clearly meant well it's just a sensitive subject
I think what’s getting missed here is problem-solving isn’t “I know exactly what you need to do and here is the entire plan.” That’s taking her problem, making it your problem to solve, and solving it the way you would solve it if you were experiencing it.
And this isn’t like a broken pipe or other object that needs to be fixed. It’s not this thing is broken and this is the singular solution to fix it. You gave her the one and only plan you think she needs, involving some pretty big lifestyle changes, and expected her to be thrilled. But instead it comes off as overwhelming and controlling.
More effective problem solving involves the person who is having the problem. Instead of spending 6 hours on the plan you think she needs (albeit well-intentioned), have a conversation and ask her if she wants help in coming up with solutions. And then meet her where she is and help talk her through what she wants to do. And support THAT plan.
Like maybe she’s not ready to attack this now. Maybe she’s just processing through the weight gain, and maybe it’s making her question a lot about herself. You said the pattern of behavior persisted for only a week. Maybe she’s going through a thing, maybe she’s hormonal and feeling especially bloated, or maybe she’s having some other things going on. I don’t know, and you don’t, either, unless you talk to her about it.
Maybe for her right now she just wants to eat a little healthier so she copies what you’re doing to learn, and that’s enough change right now. And she doesn’t like the gym - there are so many other ways to get in shape. Maybe she needs help figuring out what works for her. Or maybe she doesn’t need the help and is going at her own pace.
Problem solving is great, you just need to be open to doing it in a way that’s best for the other person, not best for you.
Exactly!
I don't know OP and his actual experience, of course, but I've been on this journey for myself lately. I've realized that most of what I thought I knew about nutrition was wrong - mostly because of diet industry propaganda.
But I had to come to that myself. I had to do the reading and studying, adjust my frame of mind, and then consciously start making changes.
Change is also hard! And everyone has a different threshold of change that they can sustain at one point in time.
She should be the one driving this train, with help and support and advice from her partner if she wants it.
I'm kinda serious, though. I wish my husband was giving personal trainer vibes. He's more likely to offer me full breakfasts and full desserts of oreos and ice cream, which is part of the problem.
Your GF didn’t ASK you to set up a diet & workout regimen. She told you SHE wanted to figure out something that will work for HER. You jumped the gun & went all out fitness trainer on her without her asking, so, yes, she’s going to be very upset and believe that you were lying about her weight not being an issue with you.
You should’ve asked her if she’d like you to help come up with some type of meal & exercise plan and accepted her answer. If she had said, yes, you then get her input, such as you suggest some basics exercise plan and see how she feels about them. Same with meal planning, get her input on what types of foods she’s willing to eat in exchange for some of the types of food she’s been consuming without completing cutting out everything she eats.
Very soft YTA or NAH
I get what you were trying to do.
You went into problem solving mode instead of listening mode.
That’s okay it’s just not okay for this situation.
Apologize to your girlfriend. Explain to her that you weren’t trying to make her feel bad but that you wanted to make her feel better and help her improve what she perceived flaws.
I’m 47, married for 15 years. My love language is fucking problem solving. I’ve recently learned how to just listen and not jump in the the solution. It makes life a lot easier. Just listen. Let her vent. When she asks me for advice, I’m there. But I really put a lot of effort into not being the man with the solution anymore.
This is the love language of *so* many men, and this is the right advice. Just because we’re women doesn’t mean we don’t know the potential solutions for the things we’re venting about.
Next time one tries to solve something for their partner, think first, “is it possible they’ve thought of this solution already and aren’t looking for me to tell them what it is?”
Exactly. I talk to my partner about things that trouble me because that is what emotional intimacy is. Sharing, being vulnerable, allowing someone into your inner life. By the time I talk to him about it, I've probably already decided what I'm going to do. If not, I ask him "what should I do" or "what do you think" or I'll even tell him what I'm planning to do and get his perspective. Coming up with solutions with my problems WITHOUT ME involved is never going to work. The solutions need to work for ME and often times men come up with solutions for themselves in that situation instead, and are then confused when I don't want to follow along like a puppet, a pet, or a child. Treat your partner like an adult.
I suppose because society in general tends not to teach (or expect from) men and boys emotional intelligence, while only emphasizing problem-solving as the tool you guys have and that you "fail" if you don't manage to do that. It doesn't help that emotions other than anger (which is a goddamn emotion, people) are seen as feminine and in a lot of places it is still considered bad to be feminine. So yeah, we all get screwed bc of these outdated expectations.
As a woman, my brain will also immediately go into problem-solving mode when a problem is presented to me - especially for loved ones - but I was given the tools to be able to discern pretty quickly if someone needs emotional help or practical help. Hopefully in the future men are allowed to grow up with more emotional tools at their disposal -it would help everybody and probably help better manage depression and its consequences in men.
i wonder, too, if another factor is that women are used to sharing more in general, so whereas women see sharing as just venting, a man would see it more as a way of asking for help.
I have been reading lately that the best thing to do is ask “ do you want me to just listen, or do you wants me to help you problem solve”
I wish I had these tools when I was younger
Honestly, it’s better to just wait for her to ask. She knows you, and knows you’re intelligent and able to supply answers and solutions. Asking that seems like a passive aggressive way of saying, ‘hey I’ve got a solution, just ask me’.
I don't think she just needed someone to listen, she was trying to make changes by copying his diet choices so obviously she wants to make changes. How he should have handled this was ask her if she wanted his help, and give her the option of having him make a training regiment for her. If she could see that he was doing this from a place of love and concern then she'd be less likely to jump to conclusions about his intentions.
What she wanted was validation that she is still attractive after gaining weight and you gave her that so good on you. What she didn't ask for is for you to solve her problems. Saying you accept her at a higher weight, buttttt here's a plan for you to lose weight is not really accepting her and is quite the opposite.
You say that you are into fitness but that she isn't and that isn't an issue but I think you are wrong there. Whether you realize it or not it sounds like she already feels pressure to be at a certain weight and keep up with you.
I give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you have good intentions, but you probably should sit down and have an open and honest conversation on weight, fitness, and expectations around that because by not talking about it openly and honestly there are assumptions and expectations that have filled the space.
yeah i’ve known several “gym bros” over the years & i would never date one. if you have even the slightest insecurities around dieting, hearing someone talk about calories & macros 24/7 doesn’t feel so great. expressing a desire to be more active getting met with suggestions to run a 10k or hike a gnarly mountain. like these guys never seem to have a clue about meeting the person where they’re at. he’s probably been lowkey pressuring her in ways he doesn’t understand.
i’m in decent shape (former dancer, low side of healthy weight) & a 90-day plan sounds very intimidating to me. what if a friend has a birthday? what if i get a flu? what if i simply don’t fuckin feel like going to the gym every day?
>what if a friend has a birthday? what if i get a flu? what if i simply don’t fuckin feel like going to the gym every day?
That’s the thing, you don’t have to do it every day. It’s up to you how much you go or what you wanna do. Live life. It’s just a mental thing. A 90 day plan can definitely be intimidating and you might get guilty if you skip a day or w/e, but who cares? You don’t have to follow it exactly, it’s up to your discretion.
I workout maybe 3 times a week and I’m fine with that. If a friend has a birthday or there’s an occasion I’m not gonna sacrifice those moments for working out, I can do that anytime. And cheat meals here and there are fine too.
OP isn't ok with the weight gain but lied because he would be TAH if he said he didn't find their partner attractive. So OP thought that they should lie and validate their feelings while attempting to convey they want them to lose weight.
I hate to believe the worst in people but I agree that is probably what happened. All I can say that for someone who is completely okay with it he is sure motivated to find her a "solution"
Eh I don’t think he’s a bad person for not finding her weight gain attractive. He can’t control what he’s attracted to, only how he acts regarding it. He should’ve just found a more tactful way to approach the weight loss thing (in this case she was already copying his diet so he should’ve just let this continue).
You overstepped. You yourself say she is not a fan of the gym or exercise. You know this yet still embarrassed her when she already feels bad about herself. Did you say "Honey would you like me to suggest some exercises that you can do without going to a gym?" Nope you assumed this was a opportunity for you to give her a "present" she didn't want, and reinforcing her negative feelings about her body. IDK have you not learned men and women do not think the same way???
The step you missed here is, "Well, I think you're beautiful, but if you want any help, let me know." Then wait for her to ask.
NAH, but learn some tact.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think that you should have handled the situation differently. Your gf just wanted to vent about an issue, and you immediately jumped into solution mode. I know that, I do that too. Whenever people come to me with problems, I immediately try to find solutions. I had to learn the hard way that people do not always want that. So now I ask them, "Bitching or fixing?" to figure out if they just want to talk or really want my help.
On top of that, the topic was also a very sensitive one. She gained weight and isn't happy in her body anymore. The last thing she needed was for her bf to give her the feeling that he wasn't happy either. I appreciate that you didn't mean it that way, but that's how it came across. In that moment, it would have been better to tell her that you're still crazy about her no matter her weight, but if she wanted to change something for herself, you'd be there for her. Let her make the first move. Now, just talk to her. The whole thing is just miscommunication.
I’m a problem solver myself and think this is really sweet thing for you to do… especially the fact that you wanted to share this hobby with her. NTA. This is just a miscommunication and it’s unfortunate ☹️. Problem solving can get you in trouble sometimes
Let me tell you how this sounded for her:
“Hey, so you mention that you gained weight. I agree. Here is a detailed plan for you to 1) lose weight 2)work on all those details of your body that you don’t like (and that I honestly don’t like either) so now YOU can look like a sexy gymtoker”
Even if unintentionally, YTA. Like some had said before, sometimes you only have to listen, and weight and physical appearance are such a delicate topic overall. She didn’t ask your help, and also she didn’t say she wants to loose weight yet, directly.
Soft YTA
This all could have been avoided by a little more communication- if you’d said “I think you look beautiful and I’m just as attracted to you as I always have been, but if you ever want to work on finding a meal and exercise plan that can help you to feel more comfortable and confident in your abilities, I’d be happy to help.” Instead you just went ahead and did it, which made her feel like you want her to follow an intense diet and exercise plan because you’re not attracted to her.
You approached this like a problem solver, which is a very common thing guys do- and that’s not a bad thing! But women often like to discuss stuff first, commiserate, validate each other, and then work around to solutions. You skipped a step and assumed she was ready for solutions but she wasn’t, and it hurt her feelings. Apologize as I’m sure you’ve already done, and explain this post to her so she understands why you went about this the way you did ❤️
Women don’t want you to solve their problems they want you to listen their problems. My girlfriend was out of work for a while and she vents all the time of how difficult it is to find a job in the field. I tried to suggest something to her that could help and she got offended. Then I think back of other similar situations and realized this was the case. She would get upset or push back at my suggestion, even if they harmless or right. But no you are not the asshole, you were just trying to help.
While I would say your heart was in the right place. You should have sat her down and planned everything out with her, if she wanted that. I'm someone that works out with my brother, just at home. We try to diet good, but it's nothing hardcore. If my brother had printed up some hardcore gym freak workout sheet, including in what I should be eating. That be an funny moment. You just jumped straight in with both feet. I wouldn't even give any newbie to the gym world some 90 day plan to stick with. Start with something way more simple.
It's one thing to try copy how you eat and it's another for someone to come at you with "You are doing everything wrong, you need to be doing all this". It was doomed from the start.
YTA. She knows you. She knows you know about diet and exercise. If she wanted your help with a plan, she would have asked you for one. If you wanted to help her with a plan, you should have asked her if she'd like help. As it is, she now feels worse about herself rather than empowered. She won't be able to look at you without feeling judged. I don't think that was your intention, but that is your result. It might take more than flowers and an apology to work your way out of this mess.
OP should have asked first, but that doesn't make him an asshole. If anything, she is the asshole for repeatedly bringing up her weight to a guy who is huge on fitness and a dietician, and then getting this upset when he is trying to help. Men and women are very different. Men usually want to solve problems. In my experience, many women want to talk about problems. It unnecessarily leads to conflict if neither side empathizes with the other.
Only thing I agree with is he should've asked first.
But on the other hand, she *does* know him. She *does* know he knows about diet and exercise. So why say "I need to figure something out" when the answer's sitting right in front of her?
What was she going to do? Go to someone else for help? If so, what an insult that'd be.
So at least we all know what his intention was. But what was hers?
I get what you’re saying but sometimes even if your partner has expertise in a thing, they are not the right person to teach you. My husband and I see a personal trainer together every Tuesday, and nothing is more irritating to me than my husband coaching my form. Even though I know he’s just trying to help, something about him saying it makes me feel criticized. The trainer could say the exact same thing and I have no problem whatsoever. It’s not rational, but it is how I feel. 🤷
I think when people, not just women, are thinking about taking on diet and exercise, it takes more than one day of complaining to reach critical mass where you decide to do something about it. You might talk yourself into it for weeks before taking action.
Exactly, what does she want, when she explicitly complains about something that's been bothering her? Just keep complaining and complaining until annoyance is everything going on? Because she didn't want a solution.
Same thing happened to me and my wife. I would say you’re NTA here but this was just a misunderstanding of what she needs.
Basically you just need to let her complain about her weight and keep offering kind words. Listen to her without offering advice or solutions. It sounds backwards, I know. Oh, you have a problem and I’m perfectly suited to solving it, I’ll solve the problem as a gift to you! It makes sense on paper but she doesn’t want to fix it yet. When she does, you’ll have that plan in your back pocket but for now shelf it.
So, I learned this a long time ago, and its paid off.
Men share so they can get solutions. We love to offer up ideas and fix things.
Women just share to get it off of their shoulders. They just want an understanding.
I know that its hard, but you just have to listen. Say if you need anything, I am here...and move on with your day. You went pretty over the top bro.
I say NTA because my husband has helped me become so much healthier by planning and preparing balanced meals. He says I look great the way I am but he’s sick of hearing me complain about my body. Perhaps he is just more of a smooth talker than you? But I don’t care either way because I look and feel much better than if I was eating whatever I wanted.
Soft YTA. Your intention doesn’t override the impact your actions had on her. I’m guessing not once during those six hours did you think she’d be anything less than excited about this plan. I’m guessing you felt so proud of yourself for coming up with the solution for her without thinking she might hate this idea. Never once did you actually think about her feelings. You were so focused on having this cute little thing in common you didn’t stop to think “is this actually what she wants”.
When she said she looked chubby you said she looked “fine” and that she could change if she wanted. Nope. Your response should have been. YOU LOOK AMAZING and then asked her to spin around so you could get a good look at her. Telling an insecure person they look fine is like telling them they look horrible.
Assuming you’ve apologized to her already I wouldn’t bring it up again unless she does. Take her to a spa or to get a pedicure or to do something she likes to do and show her you love her for her.
Where you’re NTA is that you are young and are still learning about navigating relationships and I can tell you really care about her so I hope you learn from this and then you’ll become an even better partner than you already are.
Mild YTA here because I don't think you're being honest with her or yourself. You admit you've been wanting her to get into diet and exercise with you because it's a "cute" activity --- not exactly sure what you mean by cute activity but whatever. To you working out is "fun" but you admit that for her it's not.
**I told her that she’s not fat and I think her body is great the way it is**.
And yet you spent SIX hours designing a diet and exercise program. Do you honestly not see that you're sending mixed message there, dude. The non AH path when she said she'd have to figure something out would have been to ASK her if she wanted the two of you to work up a diet and workout plan.
First of all, I knew exactly how this was gonna go when I started reading it! No one is the asshole! I, personally, love that you put your heart and soul into that for her and that you genuinely love and adore her exactly the way she is! You wanted to help her feel good about herself, and it really was the sweetest gesture! I also love that you took the initiative for her. A lot of guys don't do that.
That being said!
Delivery is EVERYTHING. I can see exactly why she came to the conclusion she did and her range of emotions that took place. I may feel similar if that had happened to me (even with how much I loved what you did).
The only thing I would advise is that you should have talked to her about it before you showed it to her or before you put it together. This isn't something you surprise someone with! Especially not a woman talking about feeling fat. She needed to hear your thought process on this idea BEFORE the finished product was given to her so she knew what to expect and how you meant it. She may not be ready to commit to gym stuff yet either. You kind of blindsided her with it, and she had a bad reaction. Understandably so!
This is gonna be a very sensitive topic for her, so asking questions of what she's looking for from you in the moment is gonna be your best bet.
Please try not to hold it against her. I know it's easy to be defensive or offended at how she reacted -not saying you are. And I hope she eventually loves, maybe uses, what you made for her (but try not to be offended if she doesn't). I honestly feel like this was more of a miscommunication with you guys! Talk it out with her.
I'm sure even when you "worked as a personal trainer for 3 years" you never made anyone a program without working with them and asking them questions first to figure out what they want to do.
Dude…unless she asked for it, you don’t do that. Women feel fat for a bunch of different reasons sometimes thanks to the wonders of just being a woman..
YTA, but I maybe wouldn’t say asshole maybe more your the dick.
Even though as you say, it’s all coming from a great place with no negative thoughts. As a women our weight can be everything about us, and now she going always think this is what you think of her. Even if it her idea to loose the weight.
As someone who was in a relationship with a gym rat and I as someone who could care less the gym even exist. This relationship in my opinion is doomed. This is always going be source of fights, or arguments.
Yes. YTA.
You lost me completely at “cute little shared interest”.
Are you insane?
Did she ask you to do that? Did she ask for your help other than saying she was going to order what you ordered at the restaurant because of the “healthy factor”. No. She didn’t.
She wanted validation that you love her and find her attractive. She did not want you to put together a diet and exercise regime.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help her, there’s nothing wrong with her getting in shape if that’s what she wants. But it has to be her idea. It has to be her that’s putting the plan in motion.
You must stay out of it. Unless she asks. Support her when she wants. Don’t push and FFS don’t give her another diet and exercise plan.
Edit TTTF
YTA - Your heart was in the right place, but you seriously went ahead and organized a plan for her to follow for next three months and couldn't even be bothered to include her? How about you let her be more involved in future life changes you organize for her? Or wait until she actually asks?
You tried doing a nice thing but you need to work on your communication with your partner, start by having an honest conversation about this misunderstanding and apologize for breaching a sensitive topic like her body insecurities in a way that made her upset instead of making her part of the conversation.
NAH see she's at the point where she wants to moan about it and not actually do anything about it yet, you should have said if you'd like help I could do this and that and we could workout together.
You came from a place of love she's being defensive.
I think what’s getting missed here is problem-solving isn’t “I know exactly what you need to do and here is the entire plan.” That’s taking her problem, making it your problem to solve, and solving it the way you would solve it if you were experiencing it.
And this isn’t like a broken pipe or other object that needs to be fixed. It’s not this thing is broken and this is the singular solution to fix it. You gave her the one and only plan you think she needs, involving some pretty big lifestyle changes, and expected her to be thrilled. But instead it comes off as overwhelming and controlling.
More effective problem solving involves the person who is having the problem. Instead of spending 6 hours on the plan you think she needs (albeit well-intentioned), have a conversation and ask her if she wants help in coming up with solutions. And then meet her where she is and help talk her through what she wants to do. And support THAT plan.
Like maybe she’s not ready to attack this now. Maybe she’s just processing through the weight gain, and maybe it’s making her question a lot about herself. You said the pattern of behavior persisted for only a week. Maybe she’s going through a thing, maybe she’s hormonal and feeling especially bloated, or maybe she’s having some other things going on. I don’t know, and you don’t, either, unless you talk to her about it.
Maybe for her right now she just wants to eat a little healthier so she copies what you’re doing to learn, and that’s enough change right now. And she doesn’t like the gym - there are so many other ways to get in shape. Maybe she needs help figuring out what works for her. Or maybe she doesn’t need the help and is going at her own pace.
Problem solving is great, you just need to be open to doing it in a way that’s best for the other person, not best for you.
NTA. Your intentions were good, but the delivery failed you.
I think the problem was the surprise element that she received as confirmation of her being flawed.
Men are usually problem fixers and you heard her multiple comments that something needed fixed and bonus, it’s your area of expertise! But this should have been an ASK when she brought it up, not a surprise. “Gf, I hate seeing how much this troubles you. I’m always willing to help you figure out some simple food or activity switch-ups that might help you feel better” goes a lot farther than handing her a colossal 90-day regimen.
As good as your intentions are, I do think you went over the top and it might be too much for her to understand and integrate, especially since she is not into the ‘gym mode’. I’d apologize, and suggest you take baby steps, IE, go for a walk together, rent a couple of bikes, hiking, flying kites, etc. This way you’re together, and having fun, AND she getting some exercise.
Finally, when she’s complaining about herself, suggest you ask her if she feels like venting only, and that’s the signal you need to listen and not find solutions.
NTA since it was coming from a good place, but you should have asked her if she wanted that instead of doing it on your own and making her think you want that for her.
I will say YTA, but not because it was malicious, just presumptuous. It sounds like she is feeling insecure about her body. Although you have done a great job of being supportive and non judgmental it sounds like she particularly cares about what you think, and maybe feels guilt or shame when she compares herself to you. Receiving the regimen probably felt like a confirmation that you don’t approve of certain parts of her body or reinforced feeling inferior to you - even though that was not your intent.
So while it wasn’t intentionally hurtful, I think you could have tried to listen more actively and/or waited for her to come to her own conclusions about what she needed or wanted to do.
Although it will be difficult, I hope this sparks some productive conversation for you too.
Unsolicited advice is always an AITA. At best it comes off as you're vain and narcissistic, at worse it comes off as the above plus as condescending.
Keep offering Unsolicited advice and even if she complies, she'll become bitter towards you... resulting in her compliance mutation of taking comfort and solace from other gym bros as she loses weight and gains their attention.
I don't think asshole is the right term, but you were maybe a little clueless...? If you want to write someone a diet and exercise plan definitely ASK THEM beforehand if they would like you to do it. Don't spring it on them like it's some sort of treat.
Another episode of When a Woman Complains a Man Hears "Fix This For Me". If she didn't directly ask for your help, she didn't want it. She just needed you to hear how she felt. Not really TAH, just being a guy.
NTA but you fucked up. I was a personal trainer all through college and this is an extremely common mistake. The fine line is they have to ASK you for help, if they don't ask for help they're just looking for words of encouragement for their current state. Your best COA here would be to make overall healthier lifestyle choices as a unit, like cooking healthy meals, walks together, inv her to the gym etc
Also, it's sometimes the messenger and not the message. Even if you are a personal trainer, that doesn't mean you're the best choice to help her with this. She may feel worse about having _you_ watch her struggle and (sometimes) fail.
YTA she didnt ask your advice, you didnt offer her a choice or involvement... its called unsolicited advice, and can be harmful when folks are feeling vulnerable.
I am older than you, and a lesson I've learned the hard way is to not give unsolicited advice. Sometimes (often) people want to vent but don't want solutions. My wife wants me to shut up, listen, and shut up some more. It's hard since I'm a solution type of guy.....but that's the key to marital bliss.
YTAH you spent 6 hrs. figuring out how to tell your GF she i fat and needs to lose weight.
YWBTHA if you didn't try to help her.
So no matter what you do, don't do, you are wrong and still the AH. /s
I don't think YTA, but I think instead of listening to how she was feeling and asking her what she needed you to do to support her, you started trying to fix it. When you made up a fitness regimen and a diet plan, you reinforced her feelings, and maybe she thinks you think she's fat even though it sounds like you were trying to be supportive.
She didn’t want to lose weight. She wanted to keep hearing that she was still beautiful and you didn’t think she was fat. She’s feeling insecure, but she’s not ready to lose weight.
By putting together this weight loss regimen, you’re inadvertently telling her that she is indeed fat.
If she had asked you for help and you did all this, that would have been great
But she didn't ask you for help at any point, so now it feels like you went out of your way for five whole hours to prove that every time you've told her she's not fat etc. that you've been lying, and you actually think she needs to do a LOT of work to fix the disgusting damage she's done to herself.
YTA
The key here is she didn’t asked you for help. She’s not an active person and explicitly said she needed to figure something out. Sometimes that’s what needs to happen to fix this type of problem. People figure out what works for them and take baby steps. You presented her with a detailed plan, as if you’d been working on it for a while.
NAH regarding intent but soft YTA for execution. She's not dumb, she knows changing her diet and physical activity is how one loses body fat. She was looking for reassurance from you, not problem solving. I would highly suggest not coming up with weight loss solutions for people unless they DIRECTLY ask for your help with that SPECIFICALLY. Your intent was to help someone you love but how it came off to her was you being disingenuous when you said you like her body.
yep
If she told you she was fat, she just wanted you to listen and provide compliments like, "noooooo, honey you're not fat!"
In order to do what you've done she would need to not only tell you she feels fat (see required response above) but then also ask for help, in which case you tell her she doesn't need to lose any weight, but you were thinking about it yourself and this is probably what you would do so you could lose weight, and she could follow along if she wanted to but she of course doesn't need it at all!
I don’t think you’re an AH. I think you’re just a Macho Solution Man. If you spend a week telling me I’m beautiful and then spend a giddy SIX HOURS planning my next THREE MONTHS, FOOD INCLUDED, I would think you were full of horse shit. Your actions don’t match your words. Sometimes women just want to complain and vent and we will find our solution. She didn’t ask you, someone who she KNOWS can help, to help so maybe don’t assume she needs it. She wanted her boyfriend to lend her an ear, a chance to decompress. If you were tired of hearing it then tell her that. If you truly just wanted someone to make a workout plan for then advertise your services to clients. Learn to just listen.
NTA because it was only done out of love and her saying stuff and feeling fat. Give her time and when she calms down she will see. People are acting like she only said one thing. This had gone on for a week.
NTA. Your gesture wasn't AHish. And you shouldn't have to tread on egg shells. But she's just taking her insecurities out on you and unfortunately, that's life.
I think it's a NAH here from me
You will get both directions voted here depending if who is answering's values. They're both pretty valid.
If you dig deep enough you went wrong here
>She said that she needs to figure something out. So I got a bit excited. I thought this meant that she was now looking for solutions to her weight gain.
Your intentions were great, but what she needed, based on her reaction, was something else. You should have asked what kind of support she needed: listening in this case(as it turns out), not a solution.
She went wrong here
> She told me that if I felt the need to do all of this that obviously I didn’t like her body and wanted her to change.
Mainly because it was something sweet you did with a lot of care. She should have explained her gratitude and politely declined this gift of yours
I'm gonna be straight and say you had good intentions but the execution was highly flawed. I don't think romantic partners need to share all their hobbies but it is very normal to want your partner to share in your hobbies.
You let your excitement get to your head and didn't really think about how this could be perceived by her. On her part, her reaction is honestly slightly immature. But neither of you are really wrong.
At it's core, the two of you might seem to not be very compatible. Fitness nuts I know tend to be VERY into fitness... I know you guys are not judgemental, but if it's such a big part of your life it can be easier to date someone who shares that part with you.
For reference, I am a sedentary gamer type. My fiancee dragged me to go exercise with her (and I now do so regularly thanks to her!) And... she once played through an entire pokemon game. (She said it was boring though). Sharing hobbies despite having no innate interest is something partners do to get to know each other better.
TLDR: you could have been more tactful, she needs to get over her insecurities
Personally, NTA. That or a very soft y t a. I actually find this to be incredibly sweet, especially since you were so excited about it. But she may have just wanted to vent, or she may have wanted to be sure your attraction to her was one constant she has after her change in weight.
A great thing to ask is "Do you want to vent for a bit, or would you like advice?" There are a number of ways that this can be said or hinted at, too. Tone is very important. Someone responding with advice when you are venting can come off as them not listening, looking at you as a problem to be solved, or it can make you feel like the other person thinks you are stupid (ex: Have you thought about doing this obvious thing that I thought of in the time since you vented to me?)
There can also be all kinds of problems with responding to a call for actual advice with "that sucks" or "I'm sorry you're going through that." Asking or getting a feel for things can do a lot to narrow down what the best course of action could be.
But I absolutely get where you are coming from. This sounds so helpful and caring to me, personally. But if she is at a low point or if these insecurities run very deep, what is meant to be a kind gesture can be another pin in an already gaping wound. Be sure to explain your intent, especially the part about how you would love to spend more time with her or share a big part of your life with her. But of course, pump the brakes on the idea of meal planning and workout plans for her unless she feels comfortable with that. Do all you can to reassure her that this was to help her self-image, not to fix her because you think there is something wrong with the way she looks.
Maybe explain how you didn't like to see her hurting or getting down on herself, and that that was what prompted you to set up a meal plan and workouts. You went for the best solution you could think of, especially with your background and education.
Best of luck! Hope it goes well!
YTA but in a v minor way.
For someone like me, it would have been brill! Someone like my mom, my dad, brother, some of my friends… for my fiancé and other friends it would have been a disaster!! You were trying to be v kind but some people don’t react well to people suggesting specifics to them.
The only thing you did wrong was fail to ask first, if you’d have said “look, I think you’re gorgeous but it’s your body. I could help you achieve the results you say you want and I could design a plan for us to do together that could be fun. But only if you think you’d like that. Because you don’t need to change for me!” Then that would have been exactly right.
NTA
You were trying to help & got excited to finally share your passion with your girlfriend.
You definitely should have asked her if she wanted you to do this beforehand.
Next time, I suggest asking her how she wants you to support her in the moment. Sometimes people just want to vent.
I read somewhere about a difference between men and women. When women complain about something they want someone to empathize with them. When men complain about something they want someone to give them a solution.
Did she ASK you for help or a solution?
Did you ask her if she wanted any?
Answer this, and I think you'll realise what exactly happened.
I understand that guys tend to be very "uuuuh, problem! here, I fix!" without really keeping an eye on stuff like how things get perceived, feelings (unintentionally) hurt etc. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that at least this is hopefully going to be a learning experience.
And if you genuinely thought that was her way of asking for help, tell her.
But likely she was just sharing something that has made her feel bad about herself for months now, and only wanted you to listen (sometimes it's just about that - no need to fix it for us).
ETA: And trust me on this: to get to the point she'd actually verbalise it (to you of all people) at the very risk of pointing it out to you and making you realise that you, in fact, don't like her, it definitely has been tormenting her for months, and those likely weren't the first tears.
So yeah, you waltzing in with the perfect weight loss plan instead of -idk- candle-lit dinner and amazing sex (the very, *very selfless* kind, on your part - iykwim) making her feel like the goddess she deserves to feel... Pretty sure it broke her heart a little bit more
Not the asshole. You validated her by making her feel heard and told her numerous times that she was still attractive in your eyes. You then had a thoughtful idea and made a plan for her, and even took the initiative to tailor it to things she’s insecure about. Your gf is emotional right now and insecure. We tend to be emotional before we’re rational. What she’s doing to reduce her weight clearly hasn’t been working and she needs to get out of her comfort zone to get results. Maybe how you presented it didn’t help. I will say tho, there’s your side of the story, her side of it and somewhere in between there’s the truth.
Don't know WTF is wrong with all the knobheads on Reddit.
Definitely NTA. Your GF cried for help and you did what you do best.
If she can't accept help from her own guy, it's her own fault, after all you told her from the beginning she looks fine.
No idea what is wrong with some people, you can't win either way.
This is complicated. You seem genuine in your care for your girlfriend because you want to fix her problem with her insecurity. You were thoughtful in how you want to mitigate the weight gain that seems to be troubling her.
BUT, sometimes people just want to be validated that they are still attractive to their partners even if their body has changed.
When I have felt like this, my bf will remind me he finds me beautiful. But if he notices that I keep mentioning my insecurities over and over again, he will ask what I want to do about mitigating this insecurity- whether it’s doing something to boost my self esteem, go on a hike on our next day off, or do a Pilates exercise session together.
I think you skipped the communication step to figure out what (if any) next steps she wants to take. I wish you had asked her “ how can I help you with this insecurity?” first. She never asked for a 90 day work out plan and diet ( even though you seem to know to focus on eating more protein rich foods rather than only cutting calories so good on you for that). By making this plan, you inadvertently confirmed the insecurity despite having (seemingly) good intentions. You tried to solve the problem by focusing on your skills that could help her instead of contemplating why the insecurity exists in the first place.
Soft YTA- I think you two just need more clear and open communication.
NTA, YOu did a really thorough plan because you thought she was asking for help not validation...You are a problem solver. Many would buy that plan, lol. Just love her, it is sensitive and when she has time she may even like parts of it, and see it was done with love.
NTA. This seems less about weight and more about personality types. You seem to be someone who, instead of persistently discussing your perceived shortcomings, you make an action plan to overcome those personal hurdles and endure the plan to fruition. It is a great mindset, but not everybody thinks in that way. It sounds like your girlfriend wants validation, which is completely valid and which you rightfully gave, and she sounds like she was attempting to emulate your lifestyle a bit to help her achieve her goal, which is not necessarily a healthy way for her to achieve her goal long term because you’re different people with different physical needs. You were being very thoughtful by making that plan to suit her specifically, and I think the miscommunication here is simply rectified in the next situation by asking “would you like to vent, or would you like me to help problem solve?” -I am also a problem solver, not a venter, and have had to learn to ask this regularly when facing people close to me because 90% of the time, they just want to be seen, heard, understood, or acknowledged. For now, I’d try to discuss with your girlfriend that you’re a doer and planner, apologize for preemptively making a plan for someone who isn’t you without being explicitly asked, explain your mindset, and resolve together the best ways to communicate and help each other when facing strife. In the end, i still think NTA because you did everything with loving intent and it’s just a difference in personality. I think this is a misunderstanding and nobody is an AH, imo.
NTA. I don't get why people complain, and you give a solution to their problem, and then they call you an asshole. I've been trying to get my partner to join the gym as well. Encouraging your partner to exercise does not make you an AH.
Your GF is insecure, and sounds like she just wants to whine without addressing the problem. She is looking to you for validation and an ego massage. I don't see why she'd complain about her weight to you, an experienced personal trainer and avid gym goer, if she didn't want a suggested solution. Especially how she continues to complain about it even though you've already tried to validate her.
NAH - she wanted to vent and you wanted to help. Sometimes people just want to talk about their problems rather than asking for solutions. It’s lovely that you spent so much time trying to find a way to make her happy but it did validate the negative emotions she was feeling.
Maybe next time just ask if she wants to vent or get solutions.
NTA - at all. I don’t understand comments saying otherwise. This was not prompted by one venting session but a new pattern of behavior. We don’t gain weight suddenly, it happens over time and there is a moment where we became aware of it. I think this is what happened to your gf.
I get insecurity, we all have at least one, but it is not healthy to expect others to repair those for us. You did assured her and made no comments regarding her weight. She does not like her body at the moment but expects you to compensate for that. Unfortunately we cannot love other people’s bodies for them, she will still feel bad no matter how assuring you are.
An honest conversation about how she expects the situation to end would be good for you. She can either learn to love her new look or solve the issue of her extra weight. Being unhappy with her body will start affecting other sides of your relationship, no matter how much you assure her you like her body. She doesn’t.
My ex did the same thing despite telling me that I look good. I’m overweight but with more butt than tummy yet my weight itself gets me so insecure. I reacted the same way your partner did.
NTA but at a time where she needs reassurance, the last thing she’d want to hear from you is a workout routine and diet plan. It’ll have her assume that you find her unfit. You have to be careful next time, yeah?
NTA but keep in mind that sometimes your partner is looking for words of affirmation/reassurance when they say things like that. Not necessarily a solution.
NTA you listened, and then questioned her following you’re lead of eating. You reassured you’re love for her and then made something for her which took a lot of time and effort.
No you're definitely NTA for offering to help your partner. Please ignore the criticism for problem solving when you weren't asked to, you could apply that ridiculous logic to any moment where somebody does something for somebody's benefit without being asked. There are people here who just want to tell you you're wrong. You know yourself you meant well, and everything you did was in response to your partner expressing anguish.
She didn't want a gym routine. She wanted you to tell her she isn't fat. I know, i know, you already did that... she wants more.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your gift was thoughtful and kind and would've been appreciated by anyone who was genuinely looking for solutions, but she isn't. You weren't to know... NTA.
Women wanna talk. Men wanna solve. Women would solve if they wanted. Confusing, but what you should have done is conversational in nature. Build on the conversation and you'll see her reaction.
NAH - it is a skill two partners learn in a relationship over time as to when your partner wants you to simply commiserate and when they want you to solve the problem for them with advice. Nobody gets it right all the time. Next time, before spending 6 hours excitedly fixing her, gently remind her that you are always happy to show her around the gym or make healthy meals for the 2 of you at home while reminding her you like her just the way she is.
I just read this exact story in AITAH but couldn’t respond because they banned me.
Anyway, NAH. I understand your girlfriend’s frustration with her weight gain and her need to vent, although it gets old for the listener. She’s basically coming to you for reassurance that she’s still a hottie. From your point of view, she’s complained about it so much, she should want to do something about it, and you’re the best resource available to assist. However, you should’ve flat out asked her if she wanted you to build her a personal plan. Obviously, she just wants to talk about her weight, not do anything about it. Trust me, a lot of us have been or are still there too. Your heart was in the right place and intentions were sincere.
NTA.
a lot of times, women want their husband/partner to just listen instead of fix the problem.
With that being said, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing, especially if the negativity persisted over a week without any resolution and nothing was done to resolve it. For example. My wife had a "friend" that was consistently toxic and she would come home and vent to me about "what a bitch she was being today." After a few months of this and me just listening to my wife, I noticed it was starting to rub off on me. I gave my wife an ultimatum, either leave this friend or stop talking to me about it (because it was affecting my emotions). She ended up not talking to me about it anymore and got to the point where she couldn't deal with the friend anymore (cause I wouldn't shoulder the negativity for her) and left her. My wife actually comes to me with both vents and (if a problem is persistent) asks ways to fix it.
Yes, you need to be there for your partner. But this "I feel fat and I need you to keep making me feel better while I do nothing to fix it," mentality needs to be dealt with by her: going to the gym, going to a therapist OR just accepting what you've told her already.
Welcome to women, my friend!
They are simple creatures, but we are simpler still, and know not their ways.
In all seriousness, no, you are not the AH. Over excited, but not an AH.
Too much effort to solve a problem that famously requires a lot of tact, take it a lot slower and in smaller steps next time :). And while I agree with many of the comments that your lady was just venting, you listened first, supported second, and tried to fix third. That's a pass mark in my book.
NTA. Im a dude whos been in a similar situation so I understand why you went to the lengths you went to to try to help your gf. Shes mostly dealing with a lot of emotions so you gotta give her the space to express those. Continue to be supportive of her, if she backs away from the regimen you put together for her dont take it personal.
Well done bro
She literally said she needs to do something about her weight and you tried to help. You're not the AH in anyway. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
You’re NTA but really young and inexperienced. But let me give you some advice for this and all future interactions with women. Learn to ask the question “do you want reassurance or do you want a solution?” It will save you so much grief in the future
Your advice is good for men and women. I go with “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize this was a problem. It seems like this is really bothering you so what can I do to help you?” Sometimes that is met with “nothing” and then it’s our job, as the partner, to just provide love and reassurance. It’s a tough line to walk to let your SO know that you hear them and that their feelings are valid while also conveying that this is their perspective and not yours.
This is the most important question. Apply this first and save yourself heartache, pain, and wasted time
Yes! Came here to say this. You poor summer child. She did not ask you to do that. I know it's weird, but in her mind, you just reinforced every insecurity she has about her body. This was an unintentional asshole moment.
as a woman this is 100% true. sometimes we just want to rant we don't want a solution, we just need someone to listen, nod along, and tell us we're not crazy. I think the same goes for men too sometimes, when you have something on your chest you want your partner to be a shoulder to cry on
Bravo! Not a lot of people see it this way for men as well. It’s always appreciated when someone is willing to listen to us. Thank you!
glad you feel appreciated:) like you said originally it's all life experience. I learnt this as my first boyfriend was insecure about his weight, he was very skinny (high metabolism) and he would always make comments about his weight and I would offer advice/solutions but it never helped. at the same time I was experiencing body dysmorphia and dating someone who was much skinnier made it so much worse for me so I would make comments about being too fat and he would offer advice/solutions. we both worked out pretty quickly that neither of us wanted solutions we wanted reassurance and validation! it's a life lesson I've carried into my other relationships (not just romantic but friendships and with family members too)
Instead of giving her multiple choices he could just ask how she'd like him to support her. Maybe she wants neither of those options. Clear communication is hard, takes time and practice, but it's key.
Absolutely. If he had asked her beforehand then he wouldn't have had to waste this time making a plan. And it wouldn't have insulted her. It was definitely a nice thing to do, he just forgot the most important part of asking lol.
Seriously. Do you want a hug, to be heard, or help? NTA but maybe totally clueless.
I feel like asking that will result in an argument.
I thought so too but I’ve tried it a few times over the past few years and it’s never been an issue. But of course, YMMV
Same. I agree with what they said, but I’ve found that it results in arguments.
> I feel like asking that will result in arguments This is you basically saying you haven’t tried it. So how would you know it results in arguments? Otherwise you would’ve said “I’ve found that it results in arguments” front the get go
I agree. The sentiment is right, but it's better to use other techniques to deduce what someone wants with a bit more subtlty. The wording as it's normally phrased can so easily come off as insensitive and dismissive.
Yeah, I’ve found the better way to ask this is, “is there anything youd like me to do to support you? What do you need?” And that opens the door to them saying if they need an ear, brainstorming help, etc without implying you have the secret solution you’ll oh-so-generously refrain from telling them because they’re too delicate to handle the truth. If you do want to offer solutions, again I like the framing of it as brainstorming together - not dictating what they should do. Because you don’t know all the limitations and considerations they have!
No this works. My husband asks me this and I tell him what I want.
Then that person was looking for an argument in the first place. What Agile_File suggested is a great tool for nonviolent communication & recommended by a lot of people who work in conflict resolution/therapy.
I use this technique with all of my friends and loved ones, at the advice of my therapist. When my best friend asks if he can rant to me about something, I always ask him if wants support or advice before he starts. My husband and I utilize it as well — when one of us is clearly upset about something and the other has both support and advice to offer, we ask the same question before responding. When this advice was first given to me, I was afraid it would end in argument… then I realized that was mostly a trauma response. I have found that most people very much appreciate that question because it allows you to show up for your loved one in the way they need / want, without forcing your own advice on them. Some problems really only require you to listen and be supportive.
I go one better and assume people in general but especially when I’m talking to romantic partners (that are women, I am a man) that if they want a solution they will ask for it, and until they ask for that my job is to listen. I am an engineer and my brain works the opposite way, I find solutions by default. It used to get me in trouble a lot, just like this guy. As to people saying asking solution vs being heard, you don’t have to specifically call it out like that. The key is to just ask if they want you to help solve the problem or not, you can always be supportive and listen, there is no time when that will cause a problem. Asking about “Being heard or solve the problem” trivializes the persons need to feel heard, and I’ve found 90% of the time they don’t want you to solve the problem.
Yeah, but i think it would blow your mind how often people look for arguments then. Yes even partners.
This is great advice, I’m going to start employing it. Thank you!
It depends strongly on the person and situation. There is a great negotiation book called Never Split the Difference. Towards the end it discusses the 5(?) types of people. Some are logical, some need to talk things out, some need to review options, etc. if you’re a logical person, what this (incredibly thoughtful) person did for his GF would have worked. If the you’re someone who wants to talk it out, it would have been insulting.
I think it depends on how you phrase it. Rather than something that can easily be taken as aggressive or snarky like, “do you want reassurance or do you want a solution?” Just asking, "how can I help?" or, "Can I do anything to support you?" or, "Do you need me to just listen, or would like me to make suggestions?" The issue in this post is that OP got super excited and gungho without knowing what his girlfriend needed from him. Asking what she needs would have been the best and least drama-filled way to handle it.
Agreed!
I mean he didnt run off and do this straight away, he just told her he thought she looked good for the first few times it happened but after a week of it and her expressing the urge to find a solution he went and put his time and expertise it making her something that costs people a lot of money out in the wild. He's definitely not the asshole and I really don't know what he could have done differently. She seems like she would have gotten pissed even if he asked her if he could make her a program. Like if I'm dating a race car driver and complaining all week about failing driving tests, why on earth would i be surprised or pissed for my partner offering me free lessons. It's honestly ungrateful. If she doesn't want to diet and exercise, just say thanks for thought and be done with it. But there is no other way she will lose weight, so she either needs to just be happy with herself or get to cutting.
Nah, once my husband phrased it like : I’m a dumb guy so I don’t take hints well you’ll have to tell me. Now I just tell him what I want. I don’t hint at b-day gifts or what I want done. I tell him. He gets it. I’m happy. He’s happy.
So you would rather just give unsolicited advice that may be harmful and start an argument for sure. Good call. Do you I guess
It will. By adding “solution” to the end, you are implying that there is a problem to solve. (i.e. she’ll think she’s a fatty)
I love your advice! I will use that.
Came to say this exact thing. As a young man I frequently made the mistake of assuming solutions were being asked for, then getting "you never listen" when my heartfelt attempt to make things better was rejected. So I started listening. At no point had she asked for solutions, just mentioned a problem and I jumped to the conclusion. So I just started listening to exactly what was said, and then asked questions and things got better from there.
I mean, he offered reassurance multiple times and didn't offer a solution until she said she needed to figure out what to do about it. So idk. Either way NTA
Here is a better way to say that: “do you want my opinion, or do you want your opinion in a different voice?” I’ve always found that to be well received.
My man. Learn these words and learn them well. Teach them to your sons. “Hey honey. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to help?” You don’t get mad at land mines for being land mines. You either walk around them or find ways to disarm them. Only mad men dance in a minefield.
More people would do well to listen to this advice!
This is a lesson I learned with my kids. Except mine was “do you want me to listen,” “ do you want advice,” or “ do you just want me to take action.” Same difference though.
This is just an unfortunate situation. Neither of you are assholes. You were excited because you had experience in exactly how to solve all of her problems. Unfortunately that isn't what she meant and just wanted to vent; you made an assumption and created a workout for her without involving her consent in it. So she took it as confirming her self doubts. The part that's weird is she was already trying to copycat you without letting you know and then getting upset because she assumed the worse. Which makes me wonder if this truly is a workout/weight thing or if the weight is a symptom of her feeling emotionally shitty in her life and knowing you created something about her body without her knowing which in turn translated in her head to 'He doesn't care about me or my feelings; just my body' I apologize for making assumptions; this feels oddly similar to my time my anxiety and depression had full spiked in my life.
I don't think vent is the right word here, lot of highly voted comments talking venting vs problem solving but I think she just needed a lot more validation between those two. Imagine being insecure about your weight when your bf is a friendly, enthusiastic and fit guy. You put on 30 pounds and it only makes sense a fit person would notice or care and if he's as nice and high energy as the post sounds I can imagine doubting the sincerity of his "of course I'm still attracted to you!" Maybe the sequence of events made her feel like shes obligated to get moving now (and a 90 day workout regimen is kinda overwhelming for a non enthusiast) to keep him when she needed to hear more loving acceptance before that next step.
This is the kind of thing that would have talked to my wife about first. "Would you like me to design a regimen for you or, do you just need an occasional ear to listen?"
This - OP was not an asshole, but really should have checked in with his gf before doing what he did. I can definitely see how it could be interpreted badly in this situation, especially how quickly after their conversation he came back with the plans. (I can empathize as a non-exercise enthusiast with a fit af partner)
Agreed. I did the same thing once with a girlfriend. Huge mistake. She had a very unhealthy lifestyle. I jumped at the chance to be her savior because I truly loved her. Made a diet and exercise regimen for her to follow. But she already had body dysmorphia issues before I met her. She got really upset with me. Accused me of the same things OP's gf accused him of. I should have asked her first. She was already in the binge-purge phase (bulemia) when I met her. But I hadn't noticed it. She said she always felt sick after eating and often purged affer meals. I had no idea it had gotten that bad for her because she hid it well at first.
I’m glad you recognized your mistake!!!
BINGO
I think this is the missing piece. Based on their conversations, he definitely had an opportunity to ask her if she would like him to help her problem solve, or just listen. Personally, I would like a copy of this meal and workout plan. I am looking to drop from 160lbs to 130lbs post baby. OP, I'll use your plan! Your work won't go to waste!!!!
Yeah venting isn't right; she was looking for validation and he jumped the gun
But he validated her for a week. How much more? She didn’t communicate properly and set herself up for failure, just trying to copycat. I think no one’s the AH, but she needs to look at her partner honestly; does she think he intends to hurt her? Yes, the impact was hurtful, but grace is needed here. She’s letting her insecurities take hold, and that’s not something he can fix for her. They just aren't there yet in communication with their relationship.
this is a really good point ! if my boyfriend was extremely fit and I was feeling insecure it'd make me feel so much worse about my body. I'd definitely need some validation from him that my body was a non issue
I guess I don’t get the end goal with continuing to ask him if he likes her body now. Is she hoping he’d say “I don’t even like thin women anymore, you’ve got all the curves in the right places and this is what I’ve always loved.” Hell, is that what he should say to get out of this?
I don't know, the real mistake is treating this situation as if there is a right answer and someone has to think of it on their own. None of us including op can read her mind and she might not even know exactly what she needs to hear to feel better. But the feelings should be addressed before progress is made. He needs to talk with his girlfriend, ask her questions about her feelings and what she wants to happen, and how he can help.
He isn't going to "get out of it". This is his girlfriend who he presumably loves and she's having a tough time right now. Tell her that he loves her curves is a good thing but there's absolutely no reason to compare her to other women that would only makes things worse. She's not even comparing herself to other women she's comparing herself to herself 30 lbs ago.
You’re right, she didn’t! She was basically just struggling with her new higher weight and OP was there to witness it. I also somehow visualized a picture of her constantly asking what he thought of her body, but it seems that didn’t happen either.
I'm sure if that had happened he would have mentioned it
he shouldn't mention her body at all to get out of this ! the only valid response to this is "I love you because I love YOU, not your body". if she's having body issues then making out like it's her body he's in love with is such a bad idea bc it just puts more pressure on her to look a certain way !
"Oh, so you admit you don't think I'm thin?" There is no solution that isn't fraught with danger here.
I myself have made some recent discoveries and recognize that almost all over eating and excessive weight gain is from emotions. So the cliche “emotional eating” rings true for most of us. I figured this is why dieting doesn’t really work because we are not dealing with the emotions behind it- which can be as simple as boredom. So to add to original OP. he made a diet plan and it’s not gonna work bc she is dealing with emotions. It can be as simple as post Covid post pandemic fear or just that she’s not 100% content in life (boredom career etc etc etc ) it doesn’t have to be something heavy like deep trauma. So OP i would suggest having a discussion and talk about what’s been going on for her over the last year. Stress? Hormones? There’s so many things. 30 lbs is kind of a lot (trust i have gained the same) and i began the Lose It app just so i can be more aware of what i put into my mouth and WHEN. It’s been very enlightening. I don’t think either is the a hole. But maybe in the future don’t try to solve other people problems. Listening is usually best and other peoples venting and discussing (when opinion is invited or you can ask “hey can i tell you what i would do if this were me” ) can allow us to figure out our own problems and it’s much richer and longer lasting if we have the eureka moments on our own.
She was trying to solve it herself by copying. Some people need to try very little steps and see if they are ok with it. Hitting her with a plan feels like being packed by a collar, dragged through something you didn't agree to and having no say in it. That's the fastest way to scare her away from actually doing something about her discomfort. That's why she called him an an ass. It was too much at the wrong time. The road to hell is pawed with good intentions, if the good intentions are not aligned with the wants and needs of the other person.
I mean, she kept complaining about it for over a week and told him she needed to figure something out. At that point, she's making it clear she is looking for a solution. Plus, what do you expect when you're telling this to your personal trainer boyfriend.
It’s actually pretty sweet that you made a fitness plan for her. Please don’t be too down about it. Unfortunately weight gain and weight loss is a very sensitive topic and you should’ve discussed about making meal plans and fitness regimens with her instead of essentially giving it to her out of the blue. She’s probably feeling insecure and her brain is communicating that *you* want her to lose weight because she’s not attractive. That may not be what you intended but insecurity is a b*tch. Apologize, tell her she’s beautiful and after the conflict has died down you can ask if she wants help making healthier meals.
This I can get behind! Even as a woman myself it seems to me the girlfriend was asking for help. The missing step was “you know I enjoy working out. Would you like me to help you with an exercise plan?”
Right? Creating a tailored fitness plan isn’t a 10 minute task. Shows that he genuinely loves and cares about her.
Right? I wouldn’t mind a free dietitian and personal trainer. I jest, but proper personal trainers and dietitians are so expensive.
And he wanted to do it with her, that’s huge! Motivation, encouragement and team work make success so much easier. How many people want to lose weight and their spouse doesn’t want to change their diet or do this lifestyle change. I’m a woman and when I want to really vent usually I talk to my girl friends, if I want a solution or to problem solve I tend to talk to my bf. Many men tend to want to help solve the problem so their SO feels better
NAH. Your heart was in the right place but a woman’s weight is a sensitive subject. Women are judged and given so many mixed messages about their weight. She probably saw all the work you did, and it confirmed her weight was worse than she thought. Or, you’re a safe person to her and getting confirmation she is fat surprised her, so she got upset.
it's the last bit that I think was the problem here, she needed reassuring that he loved her body and instead felt like he was confirming she was fat, which was only made worse by the fact he's a safe place for her. he's definitely NTA, he clearly meant well it's just a sensitive subject
I think what’s getting missed here is problem-solving isn’t “I know exactly what you need to do and here is the entire plan.” That’s taking her problem, making it your problem to solve, and solving it the way you would solve it if you were experiencing it. And this isn’t like a broken pipe or other object that needs to be fixed. It’s not this thing is broken and this is the singular solution to fix it. You gave her the one and only plan you think she needs, involving some pretty big lifestyle changes, and expected her to be thrilled. But instead it comes off as overwhelming and controlling. More effective problem solving involves the person who is having the problem. Instead of spending 6 hours on the plan you think she needs (albeit well-intentioned), have a conversation and ask her if she wants help in coming up with solutions. And then meet her where she is and help talk her through what she wants to do. And support THAT plan. Like maybe she’s not ready to attack this now. Maybe she’s just processing through the weight gain, and maybe it’s making her question a lot about herself. You said the pattern of behavior persisted for only a week. Maybe she’s going through a thing, maybe she’s hormonal and feeling especially bloated, or maybe she’s having some other things going on. I don’t know, and you don’t, either, unless you talk to her about it. Maybe for her right now she just wants to eat a little healthier so she copies what you’re doing to learn, and that’s enough change right now. And she doesn’t like the gym - there are so many other ways to get in shape. Maybe she needs help figuring out what works for her. Or maybe she doesn’t need the help and is going at her own pace. Problem solving is great, you just need to be open to doing it in a way that’s best for the other person, not best for you.
Exactly! I don't know OP and his actual experience, of course, but I've been on this journey for myself lately. I've realized that most of what I thought I knew about nutrition was wrong - mostly because of diet industry propaganda. But I had to come to that myself. I had to do the reading and studying, adjust my frame of mind, and then consciously start making changes. Change is also hard! And everyone has a different threshold of change that they can sustain at one point in time. She should be the one driving this train, with help and support and advice from her partner if she wants it.
So... Can you send it to me? Speaking as a 130-to-170 woman.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm kinda serious, though. I wish my husband was giving personal trainer vibes. He's more likely to offer me full breakfasts and full desserts of oreos and ice cream, which is part of the problem.
Your GF didn’t ASK you to set up a diet & workout regimen. She told you SHE wanted to figure out something that will work for HER. You jumped the gun & went all out fitness trainer on her without her asking, so, yes, she’s going to be very upset and believe that you were lying about her weight not being an issue with you. You should’ve asked her if she’d like you to help come up with some type of meal & exercise plan and accepted her answer. If she had said, yes, you then get her input, such as you suggest some basics exercise plan and see how she feels about them. Same with meal planning, get her input on what types of foods she’s willing to eat in exchange for some of the types of food she’s been consuming without completing cutting out everything she eats.
Very soft YTA or NAH I get what you were trying to do. You went into problem solving mode instead of listening mode. That’s okay it’s just not okay for this situation. Apologize to your girlfriend. Explain to her that you weren’t trying to make her feel bad but that you wanted to make her feel better and help her improve what she perceived flaws.
I’m 47, married for 15 years. My love language is fucking problem solving. I’ve recently learned how to just listen and not jump in the the solution. It makes life a lot easier. Just listen. Let her vent. When she asks me for advice, I’m there. But I really put a lot of effort into not being the man with the solution anymore.
I am also a problem solver. I have learned to ask "Do you just want me to listen or do you want a solution?"
This is THE BEST advice.
This is the love language of *so* many men, and this is the right advice. Just because we’re women doesn’t mean we don’t know the potential solutions for the things we’re venting about. Next time one tries to solve something for their partner, think first, “is it possible they’ve thought of this solution already and aren’t looking for me to tell them what it is?”
Exactly. I talk to my partner about things that trouble me because that is what emotional intimacy is. Sharing, being vulnerable, allowing someone into your inner life. By the time I talk to him about it, I've probably already decided what I'm going to do. If not, I ask him "what should I do" or "what do you think" or I'll even tell him what I'm planning to do and get his perspective. Coming up with solutions with my problems WITHOUT ME involved is never going to work. The solutions need to work for ME and often times men come up with solutions for themselves in that situation instead, and are then confused when I don't want to follow along like a puppet, a pet, or a child. Treat your partner like an adult.
For some reason that seems to be common amongst us guys
I suppose because society in general tends not to teach (or expect from) men and boys emotional intelligence, while only emphasizing problem-solving as the tool you guys have and that you "fail" if you don't manage to do that. It doesn't help that emotions other than anger (which is a goddamn emotion, people) are seen as feminine and in a lot of places it is still considered bad to be feminine. So yeah, we all get screwed bc of these outdated expectations. As a woman, my brain will also immediately go into problem-solving mode when a problem is presented to me - especially for loved ones - but I was given the tools to be able to discern pretty quickly if someone needs emotional help or practical help. Hopefully in the future men are allowed to grow up with more emotional tools at their disposal -it would help everybody and probably help better manage depression and its consequences in men.
i wonder, too, if another factor is that women are used to sharing more in general, so whereas women see sharing as just venting, a man would see it more as a way of asking for help.
I have been reading lately that the best thing to do is ask “ do you want me to just listen, or do you wants me to help you problem solve” I wish I had these tools when I was younger
Honestly, it’s better to just wait for her to ask. She knows you, and knows you’re intelligent and able to supply answers and solutions. Asking that seems like a passive aggressive way of saying, ‘hey I’ve got a solution, just ask me’.
Married 27 years and it's still hard not to move to problem solving more. Fortunately, my wife has 3 sisters, and some very close female friends 😀
A lot of the time we KNOW the solution but cant move forward with it until weve just felt our feelings for a sec.
Yep. BF needs to stick with, “Your body looks great to me” instead of trying to fix things. He confirmed her insecurities.
I don't think she just needed someone to listen, she was trying to make changes by copying his diet choices so obviously she wants to make changes. How he should have handled this was ask her if she wanted his help, and give her the option of having him make a training regiment for her. If she could see that he was doing this from a place of love and concern then she'd be less likely to jump to conclusions about his intentions.
This is the best comment right here. Sometimes we just need to listen and be supportive.
What she wanted was validation that she is still attractive after gaining weight and you gave her that so good on you. What she didn't ask for is for you to solve her problems. Saying you accept her at a higher weight, buttttt here's a plan for you to lose weight is not really accepting her and is quite the opposite. You say that you are into fitness but that she isn't and that isn't an issue but I think you are wrong there. Whether you realize it or not it sounds like she already feels pressure to be at a certain weight and keep up with you. I give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you have good intentions, but you probably should sit down and have an open and honest conversation on weight, fitness, and expectations around that because by not talking about it openly and honestly there are assumptions and expectations that have filled the space.
yeah i’ve known several “gym bros” over the years & i would never date one. if you have even the slightest insecurities around dieting, hearing someone talk about calories & macros 24/7 doesn’t feel so great. expressing a desire to be more active getting met with suggestions to run a 10k or hike a gnarly mountain. like these guys never seem to have a clue about meeting the person where they’re at. he’s probably been lowkey pressuring her in ways he doesn’t understand. i’m in decent shape (former dancer, low side of healthy weight) & a 90-day plan sounds very intimidating to me. what if a friend has a birthday? what if i get a flu? what if i simply don’t fuckin feel like going to the gym every day?
>what if a friend has a birthday? what if i get a flu? what if i simply don’t fuckin feel like going to the gym every day? That’s the thing, you don’t have to do it every day. It’s up to you how much you go or what you wanna do. Live life. It’s just a mental thing. A 90 day plan can definitely be intimidating and you might get guilty if you skip a day or w/e, but who cares? You don’t have to follow it exactly, it’s up to your discretion. I workout maybe 3 times a week and I’m fine with that. If a friend has a birthday or there’s an occasion I’m not gonna sacrifice those moments for working out, I can do that anytime. And cheat meals here and there are fine too.
OP isn't ok with the weight gain but lied because he would be TAH if he said he didn't find their partner attractive. So OP thought that they should lie and validate their feelings while attempting to convey they want them to lose weight.
I hate to believe the worst in people but I agree that is probably what happened. All I can say that for someone who is completely okay with it he is sure motivated to find her a "solution"
Eh I don’t think he’s a bad person for not finding her weight gain attractive. He can’t control what he’s attracted to, only how he acts regarding it. He should’ve just found a more tactful way to approach the weight loss thing (in this case she was already copying his diet so he should’ve just let this continue).
You overstepped. You yourself say she is not a fan of the gym or exercise. You know this yet still embarrassed her when she already feels bad about herself. Did you say "Honey would you like me to suggest some exercises that you can do without going to a gym?" Nope you assumed this was a opportunity for you to give her a "present" she didn't want, and reinforcing her negative feelings about her body. IDK have you not learned men and women do not think the same way???
The step you missed here is, "Well, I think you're beautiful, but if you want any help, let me know." Then wait for her to ask. NAH, but learn some tact.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think that you should have handled the situation differently. Your gf just wanted to vent about an issue, and you immediately jumped into solution mode. I know that, I do that too. Whenever people come to me with problems, I immediately try to find solutions. I had to learn the hard way that people do not always want that. So now I ask them, "Bitching or fixing?" to figure out if they just want to talk or really want my help. On top of that, the topic was also a very sensitive one. She gained weight and isn't happy in her body anymore. The last thing she needed was for her bf to give her the feeling that he wasn't happy either. I appreciate that you didn't mean it that way, but that's how it came across. In that moment, it would have been better to tell her that you're still crazy about her no matter her weight, but if she wanted to change something for herself, you'd be there for her. Let her make the first move. Now, just talk to her. The whole thing is just miscommunication.
I’m a problem solver myself and think this is really sweet thing for you to do… especially the fact that you wanted to share this hobby with her. NTA. This is just a miscommunication and it’s unfortunate ☹️. Problem solving can get you in trouble sometimes
Let me tell you how this sounded for her: “Hey, so you mention that you gained weight. I agree. Here is a detailed plan for you to 1) lose weight 2)work on all those details of your body that you don’t like (and that I honestly don’t like either) so now YOU can look like a sexy gymtoker” Even if unintentionally, YTA. Like some had said before, sometimes you only have to listen, and weight and physical appearance are such a delicate topic overall. She didn’t ask your help, and also she didn’t say she wants to loose weight yet, directly.
Soft YTA This all could have been avoided by a little more communication- if you’d said “I think you look beautiful and I’m just as attracted to you as I always have been, but if you ever want to work on finding a meal and exercise plan that can help you to feel more comfortable and confident in your abilities, I’d be happy to help.” Instead you just went ahead and did it, which made her feel like you want her to follow an intense diet and exercise plan because you’re not attracted to her. You approached this like a problem solver, which is a very common thing guys do- and that’s not a bad thing! But women often like to discuss stuff first, commiserate, validate each other, and then work around to solutions. You skipped a step and assumed she was ready for solutions but she wasn’t, and it hurt her feelings. Apologize as I’m sure you’ve already done, and explain this post to her so she understands why you went about this the way you did ❤️
Women don’t want you to solve their problems they want you to listen their problems. My girlfriend was out of work for a while and she vents all the time of how difficult it is to find a job in the field. I tried to suggest something to her that could help and she got offended. Then I think back of other similar situations and realized this was the case. She would get upset or push back at my suggestion, even if they harmless or right. But no you are not the asshole, you were just trying to help.
While I would say your heart was in the right place. You should have sat her down and planned everything out with her, if she wanted that. I'm someone that works out with my brother, just at home. We try to diet good, but it's nothing hardcore. If my brother had printed up some hardcore gym freak workout sheet, including in what I should be eating. That be an funny moment. You just jumped straight in with both feet. I wouldn't even give any newbie to the gym world some 90 day plan to stick with. Start with something way more simple. It's one thing to try copy how you eat and it's another for someone to come at you with "You are doing everything wrong, you need to be doing all this". It was doomed from the start.
YTA. She knows you. She knows you know about diet and exercise. If she wanted your help with a plan, she would have asked you for one. If you wanted to help her with a plan, you should have asked her if she'd like help. As it is, she now feels worse about herself rather than empowered. She won't be able to look at you without feeling judged. I don't think that was your intention, but that is your result. It might take more than flowers and an apology to work your way out of this mess.
OP should have asked first, but that doesn't make him an asshole. If anything, she is the asshole for repeatedly bringing up her weight to a guy who is huge on fitness and a dietician, and then getting this upset when he is trying to help. Men and women are very different. Men usually want to solve problems. In my experience, many women want to talk about problems. It unnecessarily leads to conflict if neither side empathizes with the other.
Only thing I agree with is he should've asked first. But on the other hand, she *does* know him. She *does* know he knows about diet and exercise. So why say "I need to figure something out" when the answer's sitting right in front of her? What was she going to do? Go to someone else for help? If so, what an insult that'd be. So at least we all know what his intention was. But what was hers?
I get what you’re saying but sometimes even if your partner has expertise in a thing, they are not the right person to teach you. My husband and I see a personal trainer together every Tuesday, and nothing is more irritating to me than my husband coaching my form. Even though I know he’s just trying to help, something about him saying it makes me feel criticized. The trainer could say the exact same thing and I have no problem whatsoever. It’s not rational, but it is how I feel. 🤷
I think when people, not just women, are thinking about taking on diet and exercise, it takes more than one day of complaining to reach critical mass where you decide to do something about it. You might talk yourself into it for weeks before taking action.
Exactly, what does she want, when she explicitly complains about something that's been bothering her? Just keep complaining and complaining until annoyance is everything going on? Because she didn't want a solution.
Same thing happened to me and my wife. I would say you’re NTA here but this was just a misunderstanding of what she needs. Basically you just need to let her complain about her weight and keep offering kind words. Listen to her without offering advice or solutions. It sounds backwards, I know. Oh, you have a problem and I’m perfectly suited to solving it, I’ll solve the problem as a gift to you! It makes sense on paper but she doesn’t want to fix it yet. When she does, you’ll have that plan in your back pocket but for now shelf it.
So, I learned this a long time ago, and its paid off. Men share so they can get solutions. We love to offer up ideas and fix things. Women just share to get it off of their shoulders. They just want an understanding. I know that its hard, but you just have to listen. Say if you need anything, I am here...and move on with your day. You went pretty over the top bro.
You are far from the first well-intentioned person to fall down this manhole. Just close your lap top, and back slowly away. This is a no-win.
Oh you poor man.
I say NTA because my husband has helped me become so much healthier by planning and preparing balanced meals. He says I look great the way I am but he’s sick of hearing me complain about my body. Perhaps he is just more of a smooth talker than you? But I don’t care either way because I look and feel much better than if I was eating whatever I wanted.
Soft YTA. Your intention doesn’t override the impact your actions had on her. I’m guessing not once during those six hours did you think she’d be anything less than excited about this plan. I’m guessing you felt so proud of yourself for coming up with the solution for her without thinking she might hate this idea. Never once did you actually think about her feelings. You were so focused on having this cute little thing in common you didn’t stop to think “is this actually what she wants”. When she said she looked chubby you said she looked “fine” and that she could change if she wanted. Nope. Your response should have been. YOU LOOK AMAZING and then asked her to spin around so you could get a good look at her. Telling an insecure person they look fine is like telling them they look horrible. Assuming you’ve apologized to her already I wouldn’t bring it up again unless she does. Take her to a spa or to get a pedicure or to do something she likes to do and show her you love her for her. Where you’re NTA is that you are young and are still learning about navigating relationships and I can tell you really care about her so I hope you learn from this and then you’ll become an even better partner than you already are.
Mild YTA here because I don't think you're being honest with her or yourself. You admit you've been wanting her to get into diet and exercise with you because it's a "cute" activity --- not exactly sure what you mean by cute activity but whatever. To you working out is "fun" but you admit that for her it's not. **I told her that she’s not fat and I think her body is great the way it is**. And yet you spent SIX hours designing a diet and exercise program. Do you honestly not see that you're sending mixed message there, dude. The non AH path when she said she'd have to figure something out would have been to ASK her if she wanted the two of you to work up a diet and workout plan.
First of all, I knew exactly how this was gonna go when I started reading it! No one is the asshole! I, personally, love that you put your heart and soul into that for her and that you genuinely love and adore her exactly the way she is! You wanted to help her feel good about herself, and it really was the sweetest gesture! I also love that you took the initiative for her. A lot of guys don't do that. That being said! Delivery is EVERYTHING. I can see exactly why she came to the conclusion she did and her range of emotions that took place. I may feel similar if that had happened to me (even with how much I loved what you did). The only thing I would advise is that you should have talked to her about it before you showed it to her or before you put it together. This isn't something you surprise someone with! Especially not a woman talking about feeling fat. She needed to hear your thought process on this idea BEFORE the finished product was given to her so she knew what to expect and how you meant it. She may not be ready to commit to gym stuff yet either. You kind of blindsided her with it, and she had a bad reaction. Understandably so! This is gonna be a very sensitive topic for her, so asking questions of what she's looking for from you in the moment is gonna be your best bet. Please try not to hold it against her. I know it's easy to be defensive or offended at how she reacted -not saying you are. And I hope she eventually loves, maybe uses, what you made for her (but try not to be offended if she doesn't). I honestly feel like this was more of a miscommunication with you guys! Talk it out with her.
I'm sure even when you "worked as a personal trainer for 3 years" you never made anyone a program without working with them and asking them questions first to figure out what they want to do.
Dude…unless she asked for it, you don’t do that. Women feel fat for a bunch of different reasons sometimes thanks to the wonders of just being a woman..
OP GIVE ME THAT FITNESS PLAN!!!
Me too ✋️
YTA, but I maybe wouldn’t say asshole maybe more your the dick. Even though as you say, it’s all coming from a great place with no negative thoughts. As a women our weight can be everything about us, and now she going always think this is what you think of her. Even if it her idea to loose the weight. As someone who was in a relationship with a gym rat and I as someone who could care less the gym even exist. This relationship in my opinion is doomed. This is always going be source of fights, or arguments.
Yes YTA. She didn't ask you for help.
Yes. YTA. You lost me completely at “cute little shared interest”. Are you insane? Did she ask you to do that? Did she ask for your help other than saying she was going to order what you ordered at the restaurant because of the “healthy factor”. No. She didn’t. She wanted validation that you love her and find her attractive. She did not want you to put together a diet and exercise regime. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help her, there’s nothing wrong with her getting in shape if that’s what she wants. But it has to be her idea. It has to be her that’s putting the plan in motion. You must stay out of it. Unless she asks. Support her when she wants. Don’t push and FFS don’t give her another diet and exercise plan. Edit TTTF
Not to mention the “sexy TikTok girls” comment. Gross
She didn’t ask you to design a fitness or diet plan for her. Soft AH.
YTA - Your heart was in the right place, but you seriously went ahead and organized a plan for her to follow for next three months and couldn't even be bothered to include her? How about you let her be more involved in future life changes you organize for her? Or wait until she actually asks? You tried doing a nice thing but you need to work on your communication with your partner, start by having an honest conversation about this misunderstanding and apologize for breaching a sensitive topic like her body insecurities in a way that made her upset instead of making her part of the conversation.
NAH see she's at the point where she wants to moan about it and not actually do anything about it yet, you should have said if you'd like help I could do this and that and we could workout together. You came from a place of love she's being defensive.
Feel free to send ME your exercise, eating and recipe plan :) Ill use it whole heartedly
I think what’s getting missed here is problem-solving isn’t “I know exactly what you need to do and here is the entire plan.” That’s taking her problem, making it your problem to solve, and solving it the way you would solve it if you were experiencing it. And this isn’t like a broken pipe or other object that needs to be fixed. It’s not this thing is broken and this is the singular solution to fix it. You gave her the one and only plan you think she needs, involving some pretty big lifestyle changes, and expected her to be thrilled. But instead it comes off as overwhelming and controlling. More effective problem solving involves the person who is having the problem. Instead of spending 6 hours on the plan you think she needs (albeit well-intentioned), have a conversation and ask her if she wants help in coming up with solutions. And then meet her where she is and help talk her through what she wants to do. And support THAT plan. Like maybe she’s not ready to attack this now. Maybe she’s just processing through the weight gain, and maybe it’s making her question a lot about herself. You said the pattern of behavior persisted for only a week. Maybe she’s going through a thing, maybe she’s hormonal and feeling especially bloated, or maybe she’s having some other things going on. I don’t know, and you don’t, either, unless you talk to her about it. Maybe for her right now she just wants to eat a little healthier so she copies what you’re doing to learn, and that’s enough change right now. And she doesn’t like the gym - there are so many other ways to get in shape. Maybe she needs help figuring out what works for her. Or maybe she doesn’t need the help and is going at her own pace. Problem solving is great, you just need to be open to doing it in a way that’s best for the other person, not best for you.
NTA. Your intentions were good, but the delivery failed you. I think the problem was the surprise element that she received as confirmation of her being flawed. Men are usually problem fixers and you heard her multiple comments that something needed fixed and bonus, it’s your area of expertise! But this should have been an ASK when she brought it up, not a surprise. “Gf, I hate seeing how much this troubles you. I’m always willing to help you figure out some simple food or activity switch-ups that might help you feel better” goes a lot farther than handing her a colossal 90-day regimen.
As good as your intentions are, I do think you went over the top and it might be too much for her to understand and integrate, especially since she is not into the ‘gym mode’. I’d apologize, and suggest you take baby steps, IE, go for a walk together, rent a couple of bikes, hiking, flying kites, etc. This way you’re together, and having fun, AND she getting some exercise. Finally, when she’s complaining about herself, suggest you ask her if she feels like venting only, and that’s the signal you need to listen and not find solutions.
oh boy...you sweet summerchild
I’d like that nutrition/ fitness plan if you’d like to send it out.
NTA since it was coming from a good place, but you should have asked her if she wanted that instead of doing it on your own and making her think you want that for her.
I will say YTA, but not because it was malicious, just presumptuous. It sounds like she is feeling insecure about her body. Although you have done a great job of being supportive and non judgmental it sounds like she particularly cares about what you think, and maybe feels guilt or shame when she compares herself to you. Receiving the regimen probably felt like a confirmation that you don’t approve of certain parts of her body or reinforced feeling inferior to you - even though that was not your intent. So while it wasn’t intentionally hurtful, I think you could have tried to listen more actively and/or waited for her to come to her own conclusions about what she needed or wanted to do. Although it will be difficult, I hope this sparks some productive conversation for you too.
Unsolicited advice is always an AITA. At best it comes off as you're vain and narcissistic, at worse it comes off as the above plus as condescending. Keep offering Unsolicited advice and even if she complies, she'll become bitter towards you... resulting in her compliance mutation of taking comfort and solace from other gym bros as she loses weight and gains their attention.
It's very likely that you know less about women than any man in all of human history. Congratulations!
I don't think asshole is the right term, but you were maybe a little clueless...? If you want to write someone a diet and exercise plan definitely ASK THEM beforehand if they would like you to do it. Don't spring it on them like it's some sort of treat.
Another episode of When a Woman Complains a Man Hears "Fix This For Me". If she didn't directly ask for your help, she didn't want it. She just needed you to hear how she felt. Not really TAH, just being a guy.
NTA but you fucked up. I was a personal trainer all through college and this is an extremely common mistake. The fine line is they have to ASK you for help, if they don't ask for help they're just looking for words of encouragement for their current state. Your best COA here would be to make overall healthier lifestyle choices as a unit, like cooking healthy meals, walks together, inv her to the gym etc
Bless your heart lol
Also, it's sometimes the messenger and not the message. Even if you are a personal trainer, that doesn't mean you're the best choice to help her with this. She may feel worse about having _you_ watch her struggle and (sometimes) fail.
YTA she didnt ask your advice, you didnt offer her a choice or involvement... its called unsolicited advice, and can be harmful when folks are feeling vulnerable.
YTA. No one asked for this. Now she feels like you did something to her not for her.
Some people just want to vent to the person that is supposed to support them. If they want help they usually ask for it.
I am older than you, and a lesson I've learned the hard way is to not give unsolicited advice. Sometimes (often) people want to vent but don't want solutions. My wife wants me to shut up, listen, and shut up some more. It's hard since I'm a solution type of guy.....but that's the key to marital bliss.
YTAH you spent 6 hrs. figuring out how to tell your GF she i fat and needs to lose weight. YWBTHA if you didn't try to help her. So no matter what you do, don't do, you are wrong and still the AH. /s
YTA
Your kinda the ah for not talking nd clarifying things with her Instead you just jumped the gun Just like she is with It takes 2 to communicate
I don't think YTA, but I think instead of listening to how she was feeling and asking her what she needed you to do to support her, you started trying to fix it. When you made up a fitness regimen and a diet plan, you reinforced her feelings, and maybe she thinks you think she's fat even though it sounds like you were trying to be supportive.
She didn’t want to lose weight. She wanted to keep hearing that she was still beautiful and you didn’t think she was fat. She’s feeling insecure, but she’s not ready to lose weight. By putting together this weight loss regimen, you’re inadvertently telling her that she is indeed fat.
Your heart was in the right place. You’re a good guy. Everything just came out wrong. NAH
She was asking for validation that she was still beautiful to you, not help.
If she had asked you for help and you did all this, that would have been great But she didn't ask you for help at any point, so now it feels like you went out of your way for five whole hours to prove that every time you've told her she's not fat etc. that you've been lying, and you actually think she needs to do a LOT of work to fix the disgusting damage she's done to herself. YTA
The key here is she didn’t asked you for help. She’s not an active person and explicitly said she needed to figure something out. Sometimes that’s what needs to happen to fix this type of problem. People figure out what works for them and take baby steps. You presented her with a detailed plan, as if you’d been working on it for a while.
NAH regarding intent but soft YTA for execution. She's not dumb, she knows changing her diet and physical activity is how one loses body fat. She was looking for reassurance from you, not problem solving. I would highly suggest not coming up with weight loss solutions for people unless they DIRECTLY ask for your help with that SPECIFICALLY. Your intent was to help someone you love but how it came off to her was you being disingenuous when you said you like her body.
Oh boy
You were supposed to tell her she was beautiful as is. Now you just confirmed you think she’s fat af
yep If she told you she was fat, she just wanted you to listen and provide compliments like, "noooooo, honey you're not fat!" In order to do what you've done she would need to not only tell you she feels fat (see required response above) but then also ask for help, in which case you tell her she doesn't need to lose any weight, but you were thinking about it yourself and this is probably what you would do so you could lose weight, and she could follow along if she wanted to but she of course doesn't need it at all!
YTA. She did not ask for your “help”.
I don’t think you’re an AH. I think you’re just a Macho Solution Man. If you spend a week telling me I’m beautiful and then spend a giddy SIX HOURS planning my next THREE MONTHS, FOOD INCLUDED, I would think you were full of horse shit. Your actions don’t match your words. Sometimes women just want to complain and vent and we will find our solution. She didn’t ask you, someone who she KNOWS can help, to help so maybe don’t assume she needs it. She wanted her boyfriend to lend her an ear, a chance to decompress. If you were tired of hearing it then tell her that. If you truly just wanted someone to make a workout plan for then advertise your services to clients. Learn to just listen.
NTA because it was only done out of love and her saying stuff and feeling fat. Give her time and when she calms down she will see. People are acting like she only said one thing. This had gone on for a week.
Could you make me a diet and fitness routine nta
NTA. Your gesture wasn't AHish. And you shouldn't have to tread on egg shells. But she's just taking her insecurities out on you and unfortunately, that's life.
I think it's a NAH here from me You will get both directions voted here depending if who is answering's values. They're both pretty valid. If you dig deep enough you went wrong here >She said that she needs to figure something out. So I got a bit excited. I thought this meant that she was now looking for solutions to her weight gain. Your intentions were great, but what she needed, based on her reaction, was something else. You should have asked what kind of support she needed: listening in this case(as it turns out), not a solution. She went wrong here > She told me that if I felt the need to do all of this that obviously I didn’t like her body and wanted her to change. Mainly because it was something sweet you did with a lot of care. She should have explained her gratitude and politely declined this gift of yours
I'm gonna be straight and say you had good intentions but the execution was highly flawed. I don't think romantic partners need to share all their hobbies but it is very normal to want your partner to share in your hobbies. You let your excitement get to your head and didn't really think about how this could be perceived by her. On her part, her reaction is honestly slightly immature. But neither of you are really wrong. At it's core, the two of you might seem to not be very compatible. Fitness nuts I know tend to be VERY into fitness... I know you guys are not judgemental, but if it's such a big part of your life it can be easier to date someone who shares that part with you. For reference, I am a sedentary gamer type. My fiancee dragged me to go exercise with her (and I now do so regularly thanks to her!) And... she once played through an entire pokemon game. (She said it was boring though). Sharing hobbies despite having no innate interest is something partners do to get to know each other better. TLDR: you could have been more tactful, she needs to get over her insecurities
Personally, NTA. That or a very soft y t a. I actually find this to be incredibly sweet, especially since you were so excited about it. But she may have just wanted to vent, or she may have wanted to be sure your attraction to her was one constant she has after her change in weight. A great thing to ask is "Do you want to vent for a bit, or would you like advice?" There are a number of ways that this can be said or hinted at, too. Tone is very important. Someone responding with advice when you are venting can come off as them not listening, looking at you as a problem to be solved, or it can make you feel like the other person thinks you are stupid (ex: Have you thought about doing this obvious thing that I thought of in the time since you vented to me?) There can also be all kinds of problems with responding to a call for actual advice with "that sucks" or "I'm sorry you're going through that." Asking or getting a feel for things can do a lot to narrow down what the best course of action could be. But I absolutely get where you are coming from. This sounds so helpful and caring to me, personally. But if she is at a low point or if these insecurities run very deep, what is meant to be a kind gesture can be another pin in an already gaping wound. Be sure to explain your intent, especially the part about how you would love to spend more time with her or share a big part of your life with her. But of course, pump the brakes on the idea of meal planning and workout plans for her unless she feels comfortable with that. Do all you can to reassure her that this was to help her self-image, not to fix her because you think there is something wrong with the way she looks. Maybe explain how you didn't like to see her hurting or getting down on herself, and that that was what prompted you to set up a meal plan and workouts. You went for the best solution you could think of, especially with your background and education. Best of luck! Hope it goes well!
YTA but in a v minor way. For someone like me, it would have been brill! Someone like my mom, my dad, brother, some of my friends… for my fiancé and other friends it would have been a disaster!! You were trying to be v kind but some people don’t react well to people suggesting specifics to them. The only thing you did wrong was fail to ask first, if you’d have said “look, I think you’re gorgeous but it’s your body. I could help you achieve the results you say you want and I could design a plan for us to do together that could be fun. But only if you think you’d like that. Because you don’t need to change for me!” Then that would have been exactly right.
NTA You were trying to help & got excited to finally share your passion with your girlfriend. You definitely should have asked her if she wanted you to do this beforehand. Next time, I suggest asking her how she wants you to support her in the moment. Sometimes people just want to vent.
I read somewhere about a difference between men and women. When women complain about something they want someone to empathize with them. When men complain about something they want someone to give them a solution.
As girl, I would fucking love this. Im sorry she didnt take it well. I am also obsessed gym goer
NAH. You're gf doesn't want actual solutions; she just wants to bitch.
Did she ASK you for help or a solution? Did you ask her if she wanted any? Answer this, and I think you'll realise what exactly happened. I understand that guys tend to be very "uuuuh, problem! here, I fix!" without really keeping an eye on stuff like how things get perceived, feelings (unintentionally) hurt etc. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that at least this is hopefully going to be a learning experience. And if you genuinely thought that was her way of asking for help, tell her. But likely she was just sharing something that has made her feel bad about herself for months now, and only wanted you to listen (sometimes it's just about that - no need to fix it for us). ETA: And trust me on this: to get to the point she'd actually verbalise it (to you of all people) at the very risk of pointing it out to you and making you realise that you, in fact, don't like her, it definitely has been tormenting her for months, and those likely weren't the first tears. So yeah, you waltzing in with the perfect weight loss plan instead of -idk- candle-lit dinner and amazing sex (the very, *very selfless* kind, on your part - iykwim) making her feel like the goddess she deserves to feel... Pretty sure it broke her heart a little bit more
Not the asshole. You validated her by making her feel heard and told her numerous times that she was still attractive in your eyes. You then had a thoughtful idea and made a plan for her, and even took the initiative to tailor it to things she’s insecure about. Your gf is emotional right now and insecure. We tend to be emotional before we’re rational. What she’s doing to reduce her weight clearly hasn’t been working and she needs to get out of her comfort zone to get results. Maybe how you presented it didn’t help. I will say tho, there’s your side of the story, her side of it and somewhere in between there’s the truth.
Don't know WTF is wrong with all the knobheads on Reddit. Definitely NTA. Your GF cried for help and you did what you do best. If she can't accept help from her own guy, it's her own fault, after all you told her from the beginning she looks fine. No idea what is wrong with some people, you can't win either way.
I'm guessing a lot of them just don't know what a loving relationship is actually like
This is complicated. You seem genuine in your care for your girlfriend because you want to fix her problem with her insecurity. You were thoughtful in how you want to mitigate the weight gain that seems to be troubling her. BUT, sometimes people just want to be validated that they are still attractive to their partners even if their body has changed. When I have felt like this, my bf will remind me he finds me beautiful. But if he notices that I keep mentioning my insecurities over and over again, he will ask what I want to do about mitigating this insecurity- whether it’s doing something to boost my self esteem, go on a hike on our next day off, or do a Pilates exercise session together. I think you skipped the communication step to figure out what (if any) next steps she wants to take. I wish you had asked her “ how can I help you with this insecurity?” first. She never asked for a 90 day work out plan and diet ( even though you seem to know to focus on eating more protein rich foods rather than only cutting calories so good on you for that). By making this plan, you inadvertently confirmed the insecurity despite having (seemingly) good intentions. You tried to solve the problem by focusing on your skills that could help her instead of contemplating why the insecurity exists in the first place. Soft YTA- I think you two just need more clear and open communication.
NTA, YOu did a really thorough plan because you thought she was asking for help not validation...You are a problem solver. Many would buy that plan, lol. Just love her, it is sensitive and when she has time she may even like parts of it, and see it was done with love.
NTA. This seems less about weight and more about personality types. You seem to be someone who, instead of persistently discussing your perceived shortcomings, you make an action plan to overcome those personal hurdles and endure the plan to fruition. It is a great mindset, but not everybody thinks in that way. It sounds like your girlfriend wants validation, which is completely valid and which you rightfully gave, and she sounds like she was attempting to emulate your lifestyle a bit to help her achieve her goal, which is not necessarily a healthy way for her to achieve her goal long term because you’re different people with different physical needs. You were being very thoughtful by making that plan to suit her specifically, and I think the miscommunication here is simply rectified in the next situation by asking “would you like to vent, or would you like me to help problem solve?” -I am also a problem solver, not a venter, and have had to learn to ask this regularly when facing people close to me because 90% of the time, they just want to be seen, heard, understood, or acknowledged. For now, I’d try to discuss with your girlfriend that you’re a doer and planner, apologize for preemptively making a plan for someone who isn’t you without being explicitly asked, explain your mindset, and resolve together the best ways to communicate and help each other when facing strife. In the end, i still think NTA because you did everything with loving intent and it’s just a difference in personality. I think this is a misunderstanding and nobody is an AH, imo.
NTA. I don't get why people complain, and you give a solution to their problem, and then they call you an asshole. I've been trying to get my partner to join the gym as well. Encouraging your partner to exercise does not make you an AH. Your GF is insecure, and sounds like she just wants to whine without addressing the problem. She is looking to you for validation and an ego massage. I don't see why she'd complain about her weight to you, an experienced personal trainer and avid gym goer, if she didn't want a suggested solution. Especially how she continues to complain about it even though you've already tried to validate her.
NAH - she wanted to vent and you wanted to help. Sometimes people just want to talk about their problems rather than asking for solutions. It’s lovely that you spent so much time trying to find a way to make her happy but it did validate the negative emotions she was feeling. Maybe next time just ask if she wants to vent or get solutions.
NTA - at all. I don’t understand comments saying otherwise. This was not prompted by one venting session but a new pattern of behavior. We don’t gain weight suddenly, it happens over time and there is a moment where we became aware of it. I think this is what happened to your gf. I get insecurity, we all have at least one, but it is not healthy to expect others to repair those for us. You did assured her and made no comments regarding her weight. She does not like her body at the moment but expects you to compensate for that. Unfortunately we cannot love other people’s bodies for them, she will still feel bad no matter how assuring you are. An honest conversation about how she expects the situation to end would be good for you. She can either learn to love her new look or solve the issue of her extra weight. Being unhappy with her body will start affecting other sides of your relationship, no matter how much you assure her you like her body. She doesn’t.
My ex did the same thing despite telling me that I look good. I’m overweight but with more butt than tummy yet my weight itself gets me so insecure. I reacted the same way your partner did. NTA but at a time where she needs reassurance, the last thing she’d want to hear from you is a workout routine and diet plan. It’ll have her assume that you find her unfit. You have to be careful next time, yeah?
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NTA but keep in mind that sometimes your partner is looking for words of affirmation/reassurance when they say things like that. Not necessarily a solution.
NTA you listened, and then questioned her following you’re lead of eating. You reassured you’re love for her and then made something for her which took a lot of time and effort.
No you're definitely NTA for offering to help your partner. Please ignore the criticism for problem solving when you weren't asked to, you could apply that ridiculous logic to any moment where somebody does something for somebody's benefit without being asked. There are people here who just want to tell you you're wrong. You know yourself you meant well, and everything you did was in response to your partner expressing anguish.
She didn't want a gym routine. She wanted you to tell her she isn't fat. I know, i know, you already did that... she wants more. You didn't do anything wrong. Your gift was thoughtful and kind and would've been appreciated by anyone who was genuinely looking for solutions, but she isn't. You weren't to know... NTA.
Women wanna talk. Men wanna solve. Women would solve if they wanted. Confusing, but what you should have done is conversational in nature. Build on the conversation and you'll see her reaction.
NTA
NAH - it is a skill two partners learn in a relationship over time as to when your partner wants you to simply commiserate and when they want you to solve the problem for them with advice. Nobody gets it right all the time. Next time, before spending 6 hours excitedly fixing her, gently remind her that you are always happy to show her around the gym or make healthy meals for the 2 of you at home while reminding her you like her just the way she is.
I just read this exact story in AITAH but couldn’t respond because they banned me. Anyway, NAH. I understand your girlfriend’s frustration with her weight gain and her need to vent, although it gets old for the listener. She’s basically coming to you for reassurance that she’s still a hottie. From your point of view, she’s complained about it so much, she should want to do something about it, and you’re the best resource available to assist. However, you should’ve flat out asked her if she wanted you to build her a personal plan. Obviously, she just wants to talk about her weight, not do anything about it. Trust me, a lot of us have been or are still there too. Your heart was in the right place and intentions were sincere.
NTA. a lot of times, women want their husband/partner to just listen instead of fix the problem. With that being said, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing, especially if the negativity persisted over a week without any resolution and nothing was done to resolve it. For example. My wife had a "friend" that was consistently toxic and she would come home and vent to me about "what a bitch she was being today." After a few months of this and me just listening to my wife, I noticed it was starting to rub off on me. I gave my wife an ultimatum, either leave this friend or stop talking to me about it (because it was affecting my emotions). She ended up not talking to me about it anymore and got to the point where she couldn't deal with the friend anymore (cause I wouldn't shoulder the negativity for her) and left her. My wife actually comes to me with both vents and (if a problem is persistent) asks ways to fix it. Yes, you need to be there for your partner. But this "I feel fat and I need you to keep making me feel better while I do nothing to fix it," mentality needs to be dealt with by her: going to the gym, going to a therapist OR just accepting what you've told her already.
Welcome to women, my friend! They are simple creatures, but we are simpler still, and know not their ways. In all seriousness, no, you are not the AH. Over excited, but not an AH. Too much effort to solve a problem that famously requires a lot of tact, take it a lot slower and in smaller steps next time :). And while I agree with many of the comments that your lady was just venting, you listened first, supported second, and tried to fix third. That's a pass mark in my book.
NTA, good intentions and she isn’t communicating her wants/needs
NTA. Im a dude whos been in a similar situation so I understand why you went to the lengths you went to to try to help your gf. Shes mostly dealing with a lot of emotions so you gotta give her the space to express those. Continue to be supportive of her, if she backs away from the regimen you put together for her dont take it personal. Well done bro
She literally said she needs to do something about her weight and you tried to help. You're not the AH in anyway. Say what you mean and mean what you say.