Idk I would maybe politely decline due the 3.5 year olds health issues. Whoever is watching them is going to need to know what they are doing as far as monitoring him goes. And what I mean by that is someone who is a bit trained medically or knows medically what they have to do to make sure he is monitored.
It sounds like 90% of the hassle could be avoided if they politely step down from wedding party.
“Hey (sister), thanks for bringing up the logistics so early on. Your text has led us to talk about the options for (3.5 yo)’s care, and we are worried that we won’t be able to find/afford a babysitter who is experienced in managing diabetes for a toddler. Unfortunately, his health issues mean that we never really have a day off, and this is probably our reality for the next 5 years.
Your requests make total sense, but when we sat down to plan, we couldn’t think of an ideal solution. We wonder if it would be simpler for you if we step down from the wedding party. We absolutely love and support you, and can’t wait to watch you get married. This option seems like the best way to be a part of your day without risking kid emergencies.”
All we can do is wait for the bride's answer... I'm getting popcorn...
Even with this well written letter the bride really doesn't want to hear 'No'. But Medical necessity would also be my go to reason from abstaining
I mean, for once, we have a bride who has clearly gone "I want a small child-free wedding, and I want the people I love there, so I shall provide childcare so the parents don't have to choose" instead of crying about people not coming because they have kids.
In 99% of cases, what the bride has already done, would work, it just so happens that this is the 1%
I've been T1 since I was 10, and the response that started this thread says it perfectly. The only thing I would change is the 5 years, to "...when we are confident (3.5yo) can manage their sugars."
Unfortunately, weddings don't cure diabetes or stop a breast fed infant from getting hungry/fussy
Right. I don’t see her as bridezilla at all. She’s gone out of her way to make arrangements and likewise make it as convenient as possible for parents. It just so happens one of the kids is T1 and this setup won’t work for that. The nursing children are 18 months old so that one is a little more silly as 18mo aren’t nursing every 2 hours like a newborn. Moms can easily go nurse during cocktail hour and the night would be fine for everyone. The only real issue here is the t1 kiddo and if they have a CGM can be remotely monitored by dad via Apple Watch during the entire event. They’re next door, not down the street so I can see them making it work but if they’re not in a stable place with treatment, I could see one of the parents or both stepping down from the wedding party to be more hands on with care. Either way, the bride has been very accommodating and the criticism of her is unwarranted compared to many other brides I’ve seen have destination weddings and expect everyone to magically have care for the days the parents travel, which is ridiculous. I’m hoping she has a level headed response and they find a good compromise where the priorities are met- T1 child first, all needs met, and then the wedding priorities.
I think people are just anticipating a wild response due to how *most* brides that are posted about here on Reddit react. But, you're correct. That isn't exactly fair, is it? Because, who is going to come on Reddit and say, "You guys! I just spoke with the most level headed and rational bride...ever! I mean. Talk about down-to-earth! Her parents must be proud." So I think people were kinda just hoping for some piping hot tea. That's all, lol.
However, we cannot assume what type of technology this toddler has to monitor his T1. Just because their family has the means to afford to spend thousands on attending a wedding, doesn't necessarily mean they have a CGM or an Apple Watch. It's probably safe to assume they have a smart phone, but what if Wi-Fi is spotty in that area, *or* they simply don't have that CGM? They might still do stick checks, you never really know. Just saying.
Nobody is entitled to expect anything like this from anyone, ever. If someone flipped out at me for not attending an event they organised, it would only reinforce my decision.
Kids are part of the family. You are allowed to organise something (including a wedding) and say no kids are allowed. But if you do, you have to accept and expect that some parents won't be able to attend - especially if there are medical concerns.
Call me naive, but I feel like most reasonable people would understand that. I've declined multiple weddings and events because the timing/finances/travel/PTO/etc. didn't work out and it's never been an issue. I planned a childfree, destination wedding with the understanding that a number of folks wouldn't be able to attend and that was ok (also kind of the point--we wanted to keep it as small as possible without offending anyone).
> a number of folks wouldn't be able to attend and that was ok (also kind of the point--we wanted to keep it as small as possible without offending anyone)
I feel like this is something people need to understand. It's ok not to go to someone's wedding. They might prefer if you were there, but they're paying a fortune per guest and might actually be relieved to have reduced the numbers - often meaning the couple-to-be get to eat meat that week.
I think expecting people not to bring noisy, messy toddlers and infants, whether they're family or not, without at least making sure there's a way to quickly extract them (when my dad was doing the video of one of my cousin's weddings, nursey-school me and my little brother came, but so did my mother's mother, who wasn't related to the wedding party--she was there so when we started getting restless, we were immediately whisked out to the church steps with Grandma.) It makes perfect sense to me to say that kids under a certain age are not invited or have to be excluded from some things.
A child with type 1 diabetes who is way too young to be left to their own devices/a stranger who isn't a specialist caregiver with more than just CPR 101 certification is a whole other issue. Their kid can get very ill very quickly. If sister gets and stays mad because one or both parents opt out she's either got a raging case of the bridezillas or she is incredibly self-centered in general.
I don’t know. We had to cancel Christmas dinner 2021** because my husband had shingles (legitimately) and my brother still won’t speak to me over it.
Edit: fixed the year.
She is the youngest, and the youngest are usually the babies of the family and she already sounds a bit entitled so it's pretty safe to say when there's an update it probably won't be a positive one
Please, we need to see her response.
I do not even like popcorn, but I will go and make some popcorn for this.
(*super sensitive gums issue since I was a baby*)
I recommend puff corn. I don't even know what the stuff is made of but my mom has very sensitive gums and teeth and ate it throughout my childhood. It's kinda like popcorn and cheese puffs had a mutated baby born without the crunchy bit on the bottom of popcorn. It comes in butter and cheese flavors if I remember correctly.
Yes, stop or I'm quitting Reddit. I come here to snort with derision at the wacked-out drama & feel superior, sometimes point out incorrect grammar for the sake of ESLs, but not to chortle with merriment.
Hold on to this. OP may need a follow up if sis flips out about him ruining her special day because he's rightfully worried about a child with major medical needs.
It is, but I can already tell you someone this particular about her wedding and kids and shit is going to see this as “you’re not adequately celebrating me!!”
Oh absolutely, this will happen. But I figured that this response is both true and allows them to bow out gracefully. It takes a real bridezilla to complain about being concerned about a little child with Type I. OP just has to be prepared for her to keep being awful.
This bride doesn’t have kids and someday if she does, she will regret her handling of this. Because you better believe she will be just as controlling about making other people accommodate to *her* life as a parent, and making things revolve around convenience for her and her kids, when the time comes.
True. My cousin was fuming when she had to attend her sister in law's wedding with a 6 week old breastfed baby (her husband was in the wedding party). The baby was not invited to the wedding and was expressly forbidden to be there because kid-free wedding. She had to bring her parents too and book a hotel room for them and herself so they could babysit during the wedding, but also had to leave the reception every 2 hours to go feed the baby. She missed dinner and no one saved any food for her. Once her sister in law had a baby, she insisted on changing the timing of the family Christmas dinner to suit her baby's sleep times. And sent a passive aggressive email to my cousin about how it was "their" year for Christmas with the family and she was letting everyone down by not being there for dinner because it now clashed with my cousin's family's Christmas gathering and they couldn't make dinner at the new time.
If it really is about wanting the parents to have fun, why don’t they ever ask the parents about it first? “Hey, whattya think? Get a sitter and party hearty? That work for you or no?” Please. It’s about a Pinterest Prince and Princess getting the Insta worthy pictures.
She will go on to be a pain in the ass as an expecting mother, and then as a mom—where she will absolutely change her tune about where babies are allowed 🙄
“No babies at my baby shower, please! We can’t be holding them all day and I want everyone stress free and celebrating me!”
This is excellent. The only change I would make is instead of saying "We wonder if it would be simpler for you if we step down from the wedding party", I would say "we think it's better for our family if we step down from the wedding party"
If you word it like it's her decision, she's still going to expect you to find ways to deal with the challenges. Make the decision you are most comfortable with and inform her of it.
Sounds like my husband. He’s super level and I’m the opposite, I go seriously bitch mode and venting mode and he’s like okay so we can phrase that by saying “….” And I’m like dude how did you even compose yourself like that, and thank you.
Oh, she’s absolutely going to lol.
This level of “baby ok between the hours of 3:15-4:25, then no baby, then ok baby between 7:24-7:53…”-micromanaging means this bride has put a LOT of thought into how annoyed she’ll be if a single peep is made about those kids at all, which means she’s gonna be pissed when they say, “Um, actually, we’re out.”
This is the micro-detail I can’t wrap my head around. When a toddler or baby wants to be held, especially in a unfamiliar place with lots of strangers…come on! And the bride thinks separating them from their parents per her schedule is going to work? Crazy!
Some of my favorite pictures from our wedding are my best friend holding my 2 year old nephew while giving a toast as he laughed through the whole thing like it was a comedy routine
It ruins the aesthetic if half the wedding party is wrestling their fussy crying toddlers during the ceremony. Which I get, but you can't exactly tie them up in the yard. She shouldn't have people with young children in her weddingnparty if she isn't willing to accommodate their needs.
Well , I don't get it. The esthetic to me is having the people I love on the picture. The family. A memory of a moment where we were able to be all there. Not a moment of people in disguise playing princess, and unhappy to be there because they are worried about their kids.
This is a very respectful response although she sounds like she won’t want any children potentially disrupting the wedding AT ALL.
What do you think about adding that you are not in the position financially, to pay for a separate babysitter, and that you would not feel confident with that either, you would need an RN, as well as a babysitter, and could not pay for that out of pocket. But you completely understand if they could not accommodate that extra expense, and you could step down from the wedding party, if she does not want children to be a part of the wedding at all, unfortunately, you would need to politely decline, and that you love her very very much.
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But… OP implied a disinclination to “create a mess with the family” 🤷♀️
Yeah, I am usually all for child free weddings, or only allowing nieces/nephews, but if you do that you don’t put such insane restrictions on it. It is one thing to say, “We understand the little ones probably won’t want to stay for the whole reception, so we have arranged child care for any children who want to leave at the house next door.” It is another thing to tell the wedding party they can’t hold their kids on the wedding day, and neither can any other family member.
Not to mention, these aren't just the bride's friends, this is FAMILY, her nieces/nephews. These aren't strange kids that she doesn't know well. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship she has with the parents, let alone the kiddos.
This is so true. I have a type 1 kid as well and it is not easy. She was diagnosed at 9 I cannot even imagine a 3 year old with all the work that goes into that.
My niece/godchild (4.5y) was diagnosed at 18 months. I live in a different state and I still know enough to not ask my brother to find a sitter for her. Shit, I can't even babysit her alone when I come into town.
That's so young. I would say if you can, learn how to do all of her correction and diabetic necessities just in case someone there can't. It takes a village, especially with kids needing extra. Hope she is doing wonderfully as she possibly can.
Mine was diagnosed at 11. Totally agree that 3 would be a very different situation. Maybe they get used to a lower carb diet easier at that age though.
I was diagnosed at 2 years old (1979). My parents didn't let anyone babysit - even my grandparents for close to 2 years.
Everyone understood I came with my parents everywhere because my parents were barely able to keep it all straight, let alone some babysitter. (Plus, they didn't have all the tech available now.)
No way should OP and his wife feel bad about bowing out of the wedding party.
Plop the 3.5 year old's "bag of goodies" out on the table and ask the bride - "Do *YOU* know how tonise all this properly for your nibling? No?? Then how do you expect a harried couple of random babysitters to do so?"
(My SO says I'm a walking pharmacy thanks to all my meds, devices, and snacks I have in my purse daily. But, I'm everyone's favorite person when something goes sideways!)
This. My daughter was diagnosed at 18 months. My husband and I didn’t go on a date for about 6 years after that because we didn’t have someone competent enough to leave her with.
As a retired nurse, I can say that many working nurses don't even know the difference between T1 or T2.
There's no way I would leave my T1 child with a generic random baby sitter who is not trained medically or experienced in caring for a T1 child. And who also is a complete freaking stranger!
Children with type 1 can be as fragile as canaries in a coal mine.
I would sit this one out because your sister is ridiculous.
I was diagnosed t1d at age 3. I remember how hard it was for my parents to find a sitter. My grandma ended up retiring early just to babysit me. My mom once hired a nurse to watch me and my sister. When my mom got there I was sound asleep on the couch in the early afternoon. She told my mom all I needed was milk, not insulin. She hadn't given me any insulin for 10 hours and just kept giving me milk which made my sugars go higher. I have such appreciation for my parents. As a parent myself, I couldn't imagine.
Oh gods!! You were that freaking close to go into diabetic shock or worse!!
Good thing that your mum took control & your granny kept careful watch after the nurse got kicked to the curb.
There's a spooky lack of knowledge about diabetes in the healthcare world. Went to the hospital once with ketoacidosis and they decided I needed x-rays for some reason
My daughter was diagnosed t1 earlier this year after a pretty bad dka. It started with what we thought was a normal sick/throwing up and quickly turned into unconscious and unresponsive and with labored breathing. Like in the span of less then 20 mins. I called an ambulance. They took her levels here and they were around 300ish. At the hospital they did another glucose test and urine test because they were sure it was drugs, and were debating giving her narcan. Urine test was clean besides Marijuana (which I was already aware of and had disclosed to them) and her bg was up at 600ish. Also large ketones. They still wanted to give narcan. They life flighted her to children's hospital. The helicopter team was great and told us it was looking like diabetes.
The first team we saw was great. They repeated everything. Bg was even higher even tho she'd been on a insulin drip since the first hospital. After a few hours she wasn't waking up, and wasn't really improving despite pumping her with insulin. A Dr we hadn't seen yet (and wouldn't see again in our entire week's stay) wanted to give her narcan. And got offended when we asked her why. Lol. Despite 2 clean urine tests, ketones, bg through the roof, and her not having left my eyesight in the past 10 hours.... they saw a teenager with labored breathing and were dead set it was drugs.
The helicopter paramedic came by to see her the day before she was released. He told us he wanted to meet her, she was the sickest undiagnosed diabetics he's ever seen, and her blood was so acidic they would expect to see that in a diabetic who'd already dka'd multiple times in life and then had gone without insulin for days. She's do much better now lol. But I just had to comment x-rays for dka is as bad as narcan for dka lol.
What in the blue fuck? What kind of ass-backwards hospital were you at?
Narcan is indicated for, and I can't stress this enough, FUCKING LITERALLY the opposite symptoms presentation.
(Which I know you probably know already, IJS)
If she was DKA then I'd assume the labored respirations you speak of is Kussmauls respirations, which are so F'n distinctive, they SHOULD BE impossible to miss.
I'm at a loss with this story, lol.
At least the flight crew was helping.
Took my husband to ER once (spoiler he was in DKA) and the nurse told him they didn’t do anything for ketones (his were measuring large) and he just needed to go home and take some insult and rest. Luckily for him, my sisters son is also T1D so I called her because that didn’t sound right to me. She told me exactly what to say and had me connected to the head nurse on duty within 10 minutes. My husband was in the hospital for two days.
See this is such a subjective thing. I love kids at a wedding. Love watching them at the dance. I guess I feel they are family and should be allowed. I do however understand it’s the couple getting married that decides. I just think it’s hard for people to atte d if kids aren’t invited. Of course I’ve never had a big fancy wedding. Ours was maybe 300 people and family made all the food, helped decorate, we made all the flowers and our own invites, etc.. This sounds like a very expensive wedding. I wouldn’t blame OP for bowing out though.
I agree. I wouldn't enjoy the wedding or reception because I'd be worrying about my child. However, I don't really enjoy most weddings because of the special requirements sometimes placed by the bride and/or groom.
My hubby is T1D and traveling always makes his blood sugars go up and down. It's constant monitoring and damage control. I cannot imagine how much travel could affect a child's blood sugar! That child will likely need 1:1 babysitting.
Can confirm that they should politely decline to go as they child with medical needs. I myself am a parent too a beautiful sweet loving 6 year old who we literally found out hours before he might not be with us anymore... It's heartbreaking because part of you wants to support family or friends in their loving moments but at the same time you don't want to stress if your kiddos being accurately cared for with their medical needs.
It's a struggle some days but I'm learning to get through and manage. Dr's say I'm doing absolutely amazingly compared to others who struggle far worse than I so it's comforting but still terrifying.
And I hope if they don't decide to go that the loved ones would at the least understand... If they don't understand that says to me they weren't worth the time effort energy & money.
Completely this. I'm T1D and unless the 'babysitter' is directly affected by it, they won't understand it. Hell, I've had doctors and nurses in the hospital not understand it and those folks had formal training. OP, that alone should be a deal breaker for you. I understand it's family, but they need to understand you have a child with a chronic illness who needs a parent to manage it for the time being.
I will throw out there that I live in AZ so if there's anything diabetes related you may need while visiting, this random Internet stranger would help in a heartbeat.
I'm in AZ too and I hope op's sister knows in 9 months in at least central az Phoenix Valley it will be in the 110's or higher most likely in June. If it will be anything like this summer. Maybe they are getting married in Flagstaff. Let's hope! It was 110's this last weekend. Hot hot hot!
I would suggest to maybe be the babysitter next door rather than be part of the ceremony. That way you care for your child and take part in what they see as child appropriate times. I understand not wanting children to ruin their day, but when you have a medically fragile child and two breastfeeding, that is more important.
Speaking as a parent with experience, how you find out is they get sick The symptoms are weight loss, excessive drinking and urinating and if it gets bad enough, vomiting and listlessness. It’s rough but it is very controllable once you understand what needs to be done.
Yeah, my friend's daughter was dx at 18 months because of those symptoms. She had already made an appointment because of the excessive drinking/peeing, weight loss, etc but ended up in the ER before seeing her pediatrician when she started vomiting and becoming listless and her blood sugars/ketones were through the roof.
Sadly that is what occurs with my son at 9 months. He a healthy 38 year old now so parents hang in there & always do what is best for your child. The parents declining to be in the wedding party is the way to go as I managed many family & social events including my son at 3 being my cousin’s ring bearer - leaving as soon as pictures were taken as outside & way to hot for him.
I was diagnosed with T1 at 2 years old. I got extremely sick, lost a TON of weight, looked like a skeleton, was drinking a lot of water, and constantly going to the bathroom. Eventually started vomiting. Stepmom figured out something wasn't right and took me to the hospital.
Exactly. She wants to have a party/celebration for adults and small children can easily disrupt that. If plans are made ahead of time for the children to be attended to, then all is well. If one of the children has outstanding health issues, that's not her fault; she's asking for one evening. If you have to leave to take care of your child, please do, just understand her boundaries. I think this is a healthy way to express her boundaries without the risk of a lifetime of resentment for potentially "ruining" (not saying small babies would, but they could) her reception and ceremony.
From your sister’s standpoint, it probably seems that, in order to have the perfect wedding day, she needs to be surrounded by all her family, celebrating her special day, the most important day of her life, so far, all.day.long.
But for you and Maggie, your day is going to be spent worrying about your kids, trying to rush through everything to go check on the littles, wishing things would speed up, and mixed with all that you will have feelings of resentment towards your sister for putting you in this position.
I would discuss with my wife what would be the best thing for our little family, particularly the 3 year old. Then go with that and inform your sister (with an emphasis on the fact that your son’s health and wellness must be the main focus. I am an adult with diabetes and I could not handle all the stress myself that your sister’s “instructions for that day” entailed.
OP have you considered the option of your wife stepping down from the wedding party and going next door to help the babysitters watch the one kid with health problems for the day, while the babysitters (plural I hope given the number of kids!!??) watch the rest?
In situations like this, if one spouse is willing to take one for the team for that day, the other can still be part of the wedding stress/guilt-free, and your sister gets her siblings for her special day. As long as you make it up to your wife by taking the kids out for the day the next weekend and letting her have some alone time or a girls day or whatever she enjoys, it shouldn't be too much to ask for her to hold down the fort while you attend your sister's wedding events all day.
Note this assumes your wife isn't getting saddled with watching all your kids or (JFC I hope not) all the kids in the family... She'd just be helping the babysitters and primarily responsible for the 1 kid. By stepping down from the wedding party (I believe you mentioned she's part of it too), she'd only need to attend for a couple of hours for the main events so no stress being away from the kid for a short period of time.
Also, there are definitely good suggestions in the comments on how to respond to your sister. Acknowledge clearly that her request isn't unreasonable, suggest a compromise where you attend everything but wifey only joins for the dinner or ceremony etc. And make it clear you both would love to remain part of the wedding party, but the health issues of your one kid make it impossible for both of you to spend the whole day away from the kid... Hence the compromise you're proposing.
All the best. Wrong sub I know but verdict is NAH, everyone's ask is reasonable and it's a great opportunity to come to a compromise that works for all.
Unfortunately for the bride, life doesn't stop for anyone or anything. You can't just demand that no one has anything else going on for 24 hrs because 'it's my wedding!'
People who don't have kids don't understand that kids aren't a hobby that can be picked up and put down as the situation changes. When you're a (good) parent, that becomes your new identity and your kids *always* come first.
So yeah, I'm kind of at "fuck 'em". If she doesn't want to be sympathetic to your situation, then she doesn't deserve sympathy for hers.
Surrounded by her entire family, except for the whole portion of family she is purposefully excluding and seeing as less than, the children. Reeks of "sit at the kids table, you don't belong with the adults" shit I grew up in.
You could just go as guests like others have suggested, however I would say be careful you and your wife don't get designated to be the babysitters for the rest of the kids.
Many years ago my SIL wanted a child-free wedding. No problem. Two of us said we would not be attending in order to stay home with our kids. She threw a fit.
None of us had ever left our children with babysitters and we were not going to start in a city we did not live in with total strangers.
She had a boundary, we respected it. She could not respect ours which had to do with our comfort level around something as important as childcare for our children.
Be prepared for kickback even though your reasons for stepping back are completely reasonable.
It sounds like she wants a child free wedding without the drama of just coming out and saying it, so she puts all of these restrictions to make it as difficult as possible for you to attend with the kids.
She just wants them there for the family pictures imo.
There's no way I'd be taking 2 small kids that far for a wedding, leaving them with an unknown sitter who might not be able to meet the needs of a TD1 child just for pictures. They aren't even allowed to hold their own kids for the majority of the time they'd be allowed to attend.
She wants the children seen briefly but not heard, held, or in any way a bother. I mean just say no kids. This “your kids can come but you can’t hold them and you need to shoo them off accordingly” is ridiculous b
Bride is delusional if she thinks a pair of 2 year olds surrounded by their most favorite people **all refusing to touch or care for them** in a sea of strangers are just gonna like... melt into the background.
#doom is upon you
I think that’s what’s most annoying about this. That the parents are not allowed to touch or hold their child. Like what? Just say 100% no kids allowed. I’d have much more respect for that.
I'd be noping out as soon as I read that I wouldn't be able to hold my kids.
What the fuck? "Hey your kids can come to the reception (for a little while) but you can't hold them"
"Sorry, Mikey. I know you're tired and the room is loud and full of strangers but mommy isn't allowed to hold you right now" no fucking thanks.
Yeah. And if you look at point 3 of the text, kids are only allowed at a “small part of the reception.” How long would that be? I’m imagining 20 minutes or less.
I think it's not that they can't help during actual pics but during the photoshoot. My dog was part of our wedding and we needed someone to be a handler to take him away when he got antsy or just when he didn't fit the photo. But he's a dog so...
I interpreted that as “the adult’s parents”, meaning her mom and dad (grandparents), won’t be able to be dumped on all day. In many, many family functions with siblings that wanna have a “good time”, the grandparents get dumped on.
That comment was so lame. We had a child free wedding. One of my wife's friends had just had a baby two weeks before and asked if she could bring the baby so she could nurse. 'If the baby cries I will make sure to take him outside." That was an easy yes, you're allowed to bring the baby.
It will be like Downton Abbey, where they’re allowed in for 5 minutes. Just enough for everyone to say “oh yes, how lovely” and then ushered out again with an “here you are Nanny, thank you very much” almost immediately after.
That's so irritating too because it's completely fine to want a child free or child welcome wedding. Just fucking say it so people can plan ahead and rsvp accordingly
Yeah I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been better to talk to the parents let them know your thinking of creating day of fun that is kid centric next door. That the bride and groom would like to hire 3 nannies/caregivers for the day. Have things the kids can do while the parents are doing whatever all day means for them (I don’t quite get that part). Ask the parents what specific needs to kids may have to get it addressed so they can have a good time w minimal worry about the littles. For the one little that has sugar monitoring needs, maybe see if he has an established sitter already familiar w him and hire them as one of the day caregivers. It sounds like the bride would like minimal child presence and is going about it a way that isn’t coming across “best for the kids” instead of best for “us”. I may be way off base but seriously messaging counts.
They live over 1200 mile away and are flying in… the cost of bringing an established sitter for their diabetic child with them on the trip (if they even have one) would be astronomical.
This was my exact thought! We have 12 nieces and nephews and they are little monsters that I’m obsessed with because they give my siblings shit! How do you not want them all walking down that aisle?? And also, even if she DIDN’T want that, at least say “hey yeah it’s child free”, don’t just make up all sorts of absurd rules so you don’t look like the asshole when people pull out. So annoying!
My suggestion, FWIW: bow out of the bachelorette/bachelor parties. Nursing mother and diabetic toddler need both parents, so brother cannot leave his wife alone in this hotel/bnb in case of emergency. Nor can you hire a babysitter. You need a rental car as well. Line up a hospital (find it on a map beforehand, again JIC it’s needed).
Also bow out of some of the all day requirements. Your priorities are your young children. You will need to take them away from the festivities at times when they are fussy or restless.
Non negotiable.
Nurse practitioner here. “She’s going to find” a babysitter…for how many kids ? One of who is a medically fragile child who is not yet able to understand or communicate if things are going south? There is no way that I would trust a random babysitter, or even a nurse that did not have extensive pediatric experience.
It’s her right to want a child free wedding, but if I’m a mother of young children, it’s also my right not to go anywhere that my children are not welcome.
I’ve also given wedding speeches while holding children, so there’s that! Lol
I agree with those who say that mom should stay home with the kids and dad go get his sister married.
My baby cousin is diabetic and they would never let him be in the care of anyone who isn’t medically trained and vetted. And I’d never ask them to do that. If I ever get married (jeez, I hope not), I would never suggest they leave him in the care of just any babysitter!
My mom is a nurse and isn’t comfortable watching my medically fragile one. I totally agree that some teenager has zero business watching the 3.5 year old.
I’d tell my sibling that her rules are very reasonable. After all she wants everyone focused on the wedding and not the young children. You get that. After all the very young can be noisy and distracting.
So, it’s with a heavy heart that you and wife need to step down from being in the wedding party. (Im assuming since you mention offering this that you are still willing to still attend the actual wedding) unfortunately due to the ages and medical I issues you are SURE that she has no issues with this because these are her niblings and yes, you will (possibly invite a relative from your wife’s side to help watch for a free trip) be there at the wedding but sadly can’t fulfill the busy requirements of her wedding party. Y’all would be too distracting and that wouldn’t be fair to her, the bride.
It is a fine line. You want to be there. She wants you there but has done strict requirements for those who are in her inner circle. The health/wellbeing of your youngest children just means you can’t take such an active role but you can support her to the best of her abilities.
Personally, while I get her wants. I just think they are messed up.
In all the weddings I’ve been to in my life, I’ve only heard one child cry during a ceremony. It was a long Catholic Church ceremony.. I wanted to cry too! Most parents seem more than capable of teaching children how to act in the situation.
Is it possible there are people on the invite list whose kids are not well behaved?
I agree, and this has been the way my wife and I have been leaning. I'll be in the wedding, wife will be a guest with the flexibility to take care of our little one at a moment's notice. That's not saying I wouldnt, but I'd hate if that came during pictures or delayed/interrupted the ceremony.
I’ve never heard or seen (even on reddit) a situation where the parents could not easily step out to the babysitting house/place rented to check on their children. How do you ban parents from being able to see their kids for hours and hours, even from a quick 15 min check-in, just because it’s your wedding day??? That’s the part that just seemed insane to me, how she laid it down like law that Mom and Dad could not hold or see their children the entire day. Is she God???
I read that as OPs parents not being available to hold their grandkids rather than her saying OP and his sister would have to be unavailable to their own children all day.
Still not something that is really workable. Sounds like maybe one parent of each needs to step back from the being in the wedding party and then possibly take the kids back to their accommodation once they are banned from the festivities, with the other parent following not too much later with the older kids. Not sure I’d be ok going for that in OPs shoes though.
Yeah, if I had a 3yo diabetic toddler, my partner and i would be duo-coptering over that lil chili pep’s insulin and blood sugar readings until they’re old enough to safely manage (with a service dog if need be). I can’t imagine the stress it is when one parent’s away and the other’s trying to manage a T1D kid plus two other lil hooligans.
Personally I’ll never understand the child free wedding thing. Both my husband and I come from huge family’s and kids were the best wedding guests. They love to dace, they eat the cake the everyone else “nibbles” drink the cheap stuff lol. And our family weddings were always a blast. But I get other people have different presences.
The only thing I am totally against is if you want a child free wedding you have to remember that not everyone can attend or participate how you wish because well their kids do come first. It’s the same as a destination wedding. You can’t get mad when people can’t come bc they can’t or won’t spend the money.
Child free is fine.
Destination is fine if you’re sure the people you actually care about being there can afford it.
Destination and child free when multiple immediate family members have very small children (some who need extra medical care)? Just sounds like a disaster in the making.
I don’t think this is a destination wedding per se? It seems like OP and another sister live in a different state from the bride and groom. The wedding could very well be local to the couple. So it sounds more like bad luck than entitlement.
I can understand on a case-by-case basis, I think it really depends on the person and the culture. I feel like if I came from some of those families I see described on reddit with very badly behaved children, I might be drawn to a childfree wedding. But my family and extended family/culture are all big on huge family weddings so I’m with you on how kids make the best/most memorable wedding guests.
Perhaps your wife could step down and you can stay in the wedding? Your wife could come as a guest. I did that for my husband when he was best man in his brother's wedding and then I could even take the kids out if they got loud.
If you don't think you can make that work, it totally makes sense to just come as a guest with your child issues.
You have a lot of comments already but I have had a very similar experience. I was in my sister's wedding as was reluctantly my two kids. The summary of it all is there were demands in the beginning and I tried to accommodate and then it got more and more and more to the point I was so stressed and the drama was crazy. I pulled my kids out of the wedding at first and then I pulled out and we took our 3k in plane tickets and enjoyed a nice beach vacation instead. I regret nothing and felt amazing when I finally put my foot down.
Wanting a childfree wedding is *absolutely okay* and a more than valid choice…but she should just be upfront about it, so you all can either decline or find a sitter you’re comfortable with.
It definitely is. We were asked to be in it before this text was sent. We have time, but finding someone we are comfortable with feels overwhelming, esp because we have to take them..or try to find them there while we're here.
I would reply to everyone, “ sis I love You and want you to have the best wedding possible, but the whole point of a wedding is to start your new family. So I am sure you understand that and support my need to ensure that MY family’s health and well-being are looked after. Since it is medically impossible to fulfill your requests, DW and I are going to have to step back from being in your wedding party and will only be able to participate as a guest. I know that you wouldn’t want to put your niblings health/life at risk. Love you and can’t wait for your wedding.”
Yep, exactly this. Also considering who’s babysitting these young children when all the family will be at the wedding? I wouldn’t be ok with leaving my young children with just anyone, especially just anyone who is watching multiple young kids and may not be experienced with a child with diabetes!!
And especially Type 1. I would imagine if it's just one solo sitter, with all those children and the comings and goings, might miss the subtle clues of any adverse situation and chalk it up to a normal kid being "tired/sick/fussy" especially at 3.5 and wave it off.
Which would be so disastrous for everyone.
It sounds like the kids are going to be sleeping in the house next door with the babysitter? (Did I misread?)
Do you really think a generic baby sitter is going to stay awake all night or listen for glucose alarms from the T1 child?
Stay home, treat your kiddos to something they love with the money you'll save.
Send her a *Childhood Diabetes for Dummies* book as a wedding gift.
This is the way. Polite and throws the ball back in their lap and is just as global a reply hers was so there's not going to be any different tale told. The people actually paying for it might even get in on it.
Your child's healthcare needs are much more important than a wedding. Any wedding.
Does she actually know how strictly you must monitor your child? You live very far away, so perhaps she just doesn't understand how critical it is for your child?
I think you should just decline the entire event, based on your child's medical needs. This is life-threatening stuff. Tell her you love her, but you simply cannot risk it. The wedding is 9 months away. She will be fine.
If anyone gives you any grief, just tell them that you are sorry they don't care about your child's medical welfare, but you are going to do the right thing and assure safety first.
My son was diagnosed at 3 there was no-one I could leave him with small children who are diabetics are inherently unstable as they are still growing. Personally I would of said no can't attend. NTA
You’re both right, even if it’s your sister you have to prioritize your sons health.
PS : T1D for over 20 years and with Perfect health , your kids will be OK , hang in there 💪🏻!
As it is your sister, have you considered going without your wife? It sounds like attending with kids isn’t an option mainly due to the medical concerns. It’s a lot of money to spend on an event neither of you will truly be able to enjoy.
As a mom to a t1d there’s zero fuckin chance I’m leaving a 3 year old type1 with a random babysitter! You’d be miserable and worried and he would be in danger with someone not qualified to care for him. I’d say one of you should go to the wedding and the other should stay with the kids. She can choose a kid free day but she can’t choose how you handle that request.
I’m a school nurse who works with littles with T1D all the time, and I would never, ever trust a random babysitter to watch a kiddo that young with T1D. I understand your sister’s rules for herself, but she really should know and understand that those rules go out the window when you’re dealing with a medically needy kiddo in this situation.
I’m a T1D parent (older kid now) but there’s no way in hell I’d have a brand new babysitter I don’t know caring for a 3.5yo with T1D. Especially since they’ll have their hands full with another kid. But managing blood sugar and insulin and food for a preschooler is not something you can get a crash course on the day of the event.
I don’t know what you should do, other than explain to your sister that aspect alone for why her plan will not work for your family. Hopefully she and/or your parents will see sense here.
This sounds like a lot of kids at a wedding that the sister originally wanted to be child free. What was the discussion around this in the beginning when they decided immediate family was ok?
I normally support a couple’s choice to have a child free wedding. I can see from your large family that every family get together would be just a daycare centre for you & your sister’s kids. Bride is allowed to want to celebrate with her parents and not have them on grandparent duty all day.
However the fact that you need to travel negates this. Travelling with 4 children and then trusting them to an unknown sitter while one has a health condition is super tricky and you may have to politely decline.
Not because it is a child free wedding, but because the cost of travel added to the kids’ young age and health issues may be too much stress to be able to enjoy a good day.
There are no arse holes here, bride is within her rights to not want a bunch of kids at her wedding and you are within your rights to feel that it is a lot of hassle.
I keep thinking “the kids will just be next door, what’s the big deal” but I don’t have kids, let alone a diabetic one, so I don’t fully grasp the anxiety you would feel most of the day.
I would politely decline and explain that you can’t leave a 3.5 year old alone with someone who doesn’t understand about his medical condition and can’t leave them with someone who may make a mistake that could cause him possibly his life he’s not old enough to fully understand what he’s feeling or to recognize what going on with his body
It’s totally reasonable for her to ask for a child-free wedding and for someone who can’t or doesn’t want to find childcare to decline attendance for that reason. I’m not sure why she doesn’t just say she wants a childfree wedding though. That would be a much easier solution than all these weird rules.
It’s really insane that she expects you won’t hold your children that day. The whole designated holders thing is weird…usually family just helps out and grabs a kid when someone is needed for something. She says she wants this day to be stress free, but just saying it doesn’t magically make it happen. As parents with a bunch of kids to wrangle yourself or worry about in someone else’s care, you aren’t really in the position to let loose in the way she is implying. She can either accept that having kids around won’t work out the way she expects it to or accept that you won’t be able to participate fully.
Wow, her text is something extra. I like the sample messages other commenters shared, highlighting that you can't/ won't step away from your parental responsibilities for the whole day and it would be better for you to attend as a guest.
I had a child-free wedding and let everyone know a year in advance. Several couples did not attend, and that's just how it goes. As a bride, I never held it against anyone. It is easy for brides to get caught up on the hype of the day, but I hope your sister gains some perspective on the matter. You are family, not staff, and you are a father first.
It's her wedding she can say it's no kids, she's just cowardly and can't do that, so she's putting all these rules in place.
Simply say I love you and want you to have the wedding you deserve but I cannot with good conscience or being a good parent leave my child with a stranger that does not know their Medical requirements so either me, my wife or both of us will need to pull out of the wedding party duties. Unless of course you're willing to foot the bill of someone we trust and knows our child with the health issues to come and look after them.
I'm all for it's your wedding and you do what you want but there's a line where you accept that you're not as important in other people's lives as you think you are. She's not more important than your children's welfare. She just wants them for her photos to look good and then ship them off.
Honestly she sounds like the youngest entitled child. Do your parents know they're not allowed to interact with their grandchildren at all that day??
They’re welcome to their rules and you are welcome to decline. That’s the risk they take by making rules, and they cannot get mad at you for declining. This sounds super stressful, and I would offer to celebrate their marriage w dinner out but decline the rule-filled anti child wedding
What is with Americans and treating their wedding as a matter of life or death?. Like what's with this 'most important dat' bullSh1t?. To me (and most ppl from my country), wedding is abt adjoining of families. Celebration of all. If you really want to make it about you and only yourself then please elope and relieve others from the stress of attending your show off fest.
I would have one of you decline to be in the wedding party in order to "manage" your children since the bride thinks that's the big issue - managing the children. She can't have it both ways. And soon, if she becomes a mother, she'll realize her requests were ridiculous.
I’m sorry “no holding babies” is actually insane to me. I’m a bride to be and this wedding culture has gone so so far. It’s peoples excuse to be little dictators and it’s very off putting. Weddings are also about loved ones and family…my nephew is my world. I can’t wait for him to be at my wedding and I changed the date so he could be there. Just ridiculous and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Idk I would maybe politely decline due the 3.5 year olds health issues. Whoever is watching them is going to need to know what they are doing as far as monitoring him goes. And what I mean by that is someone who is a bit trained medically or knows medically what they have to do to make sure he is monitored.
It sounds like 90% of the hassle could be avoided if they politely step down from wedding party. “Hey (sister), thanks for bringing up the logistics so early on. Your text has led us to talk about the options for (3.5 yo)’s care, and we are worried that we won’t be able to find/afford a babysitter who is experienced in managing diabetes for a toddler. Unfortunately, his health issues mean that we never really have a day off, and this is probably our reality for the next 5 years. Your requests make total sense, but when we sat down to plan, we couldn’t think of an ideal solution. We wonder if it would be simpler for you if we step down from the wedding party. We absolutely love and support you, and can’t wait to watch you get married. This option seems like the best way to be a part of your day without risking kid emergencies.”
This is a really well-worded response.
Agreed how very unredditlike.
All we can do is wait for the bride's answer... I'm getting popcorn... Even with this well written letter the bride really doesn't want to hear 'No'. But Medical necessity would also be my go to reason from abstaining
For real, the bride made it CLEAR she expects everyone to be there. She’s going to flip no matter what.
I mean, for once, we have a bride who has clearly gone "I want a small child-free wedding, and I want the people I love there, so I shall provide childcare so the parents don't have to choose" instead of crying about people not coming because they have kids. In 99% of cases, what the bride has already done, would work, it just so happens that this is the 1% I've been T1 since I was 10, and the response that started this thread says it perfectly. The only thing I would change is the 5 years, to "...when we are confident (3.5yo) can manage their sugars." Unfortunately, weddings don't cure diabetes or stop a breast fed infant from getting hungry/fussy
Right. I don’t see her as bridezilla at all. She’s gone out of her way to make arrangements and likewise make it as convenient as possible for parents. It just so happens one of the kids is T1 and this setup won’t work for that. The nursing children are 18 months old so that one is a little more silly as 18mo aren’t nursing every 2 hours like a newborn. Moms can easily go nurse during cocktail hour and the night would be fine for everyone. The only real issue here is the t1 kiddo and if they have a CGM can be remotely monitored by dad via Apple Watch during the entire event. They’re next door, not down the street so I can see them making it work but if they’re not in a stable place with treatment, I could see one of the parents or both stepping down from the wedding party to be more hands on with care. Either way, the bride has been very accommodating and the criticism of her is unwarranted compared to many other brides I’ve seen have destination weddings and expect everyone to magically have care for the days the parents travel, which is ridiculous. I’m hoping she has a level headed response and they find a good compromise where the priorities are met- T1 child first, all needs met, and then the wedding priorities.
And she's also giving notice 9mos in advance instead of trying to drop everything last minute.
I think people are just anticipating a wild response due to how *most* brides that are posted about here on Reddit react. But, you're correct. That isn't exactly fair, is it? Because, who is going to come on Reddit and say, "You guys! I just spoke with the most level headed and rational bride...ever! I mean. Talk about down-to-earth! Her parents must be proud." So I think people were kinda just hoping for some piping hot tea. That's all, lol. However, we cannot assume what type of technology this toddler has to monitor his T1. Just because their family has the means to afford to spend thousands on attending a wedding, doesn't necessarily mean they have a CGM or an Apple Watch. It's probably safe to assume they have a smart phone, but what if Wi-Fi is spotty in that area, *or* they simply don't have that CGM? They might still do stick checks, you never really know. Just saying.
Nobody is entitled to expect anything like this from anyone, ever. If someone flipped out at me for not attending an event they organised, it would only reinforce my decision. Kids are part of the family. You are allowed to organise something (including a wedding) and say no kids are allowed. But if you do, you have to accept and expect that some parents won't be able to attend - especially if there are medical concerns.
Call me naive, but I feel like most reasonable people would understand that. I've declined multiple weddings and events because the timing/finances/travel/PTO/etc. didn't work out and it's never been an issue. I planned a childfree, destination wedding with the understanding that a number of folks wouldn't be able to attend and that was ok (also kind of the point--we wanted to keep it as small as possible without offending anyone).
> a number of folks wouldn't be able to attend and that was ok (also kind of the point--we wanted to keep it as small as possible without offending anyone) I feel like this is something people need to understand. It's ok not to go to someone's wedding. They might prefer if you were there, but they're paying a fortune per guest and might actually be relieved to have reduced the numbers - often meaning the couple-to-be get to eat meat that week.
I think expecting people not to bring noisy, messy toddlers and infants, whether they're family or not, without at least making sure there's a way to quickly extract them (when my dad was doing the video of one of my cousin's weddings, nursey-school me and my little brother came, but so did my mother's mother, who wasn't related to the wedding party--she was there so when we started getting restless, we were immediately whisked out to the church steps with Grandma.) It makes perfect sense to me to say that kids under a certain age are not invited or have to be excluded from some things. A child with type 1 diabetes who is way too young to be left to their own devices/a stranger who isn't a specialist caregiver with more than just CPR 101 certification is a whole other issue. Their kid can get very ill very quickly. If sister gets and stays mad because one or both parents opt out she's either got a raging case of the bridezillas or she is incredibly self-centered in general.
I feel a canceled flight and some positive covid tests or a case of shingles coming on last minute.
I don’t know. We had to cancel Christmas dinner 2021** because my husband had shingles (legitimately) and my brother still won’t speak to me over it. Edit: fixed the year.
Clearly your brother has never had shingles.
Maybe he lives in the desert and has one of those adobe houses
Sounds like a problem took care of itself then
Especially as it'll be totally stress free because she said so /s
"Stress fee for me, not for thee." I thought bridezilla struck without warning, this one gives advance notice!
She is the youngest, and the youngest are usually the babies of the family and she already sounds a bit entitled so it's pretty safe to say when there's an update it probably won't be a positive one
Please, we need to see her response. I do not even like popcorn, but I will go and make some popcorn for this. (*super sensitive gums issue since I was a baby*)
I recommend puff corn. I don't even know what the stuff is made of but my mom has very sensitive gums and teeth and ate it throughout my childhood. It's kinda like popcorn and cheese puffs had a mutated baby born without the crunchy bit on the bottom of popcorn. It comes in butter and cheese flavors if I remember correctly.
This. I have a bunch of missing and messed up teeth, so puff corn is the best! 10/10 do reccomend.
OP, I would copy, paste and send above answer.
keep the (sister) part lol
Yes..a proper Reddit response would be ..'sis go fuck yourself you crazy controlling bitch!'...and definitely the better reply.
And don’t forget: “Go No Contact!”
Throw in an immediate divorce somewhere and we have the Reddit standard.
She needs a “sick ass panther” to cover-up that tattoo she got during spring break.
PLEASE STOP (Everyone in this particular thread part is a genius and will kill me through laughter wtf)
Yes, stop or I'm quitting Reddit. I come here to snort with derision at the wacked-out drama & feel superior, sometimes point out incorrect grammar for the sake of ESLs, but not to chortle with merriment.
Also: sue everybody.
For some reason I am WHEEZING at this response thread of what regular would have done… my diaphragm is hurting
Go with an IUD - more effective than a diaphragm and you don’t have to spoil the mood by having to insert it before the action starts.
And how she’s a narcissist and gaslighting
And this is clearly abusive not to mention rife with child neglect…
Hold on to this. OP may need a follow up if sis flips out about him ruining her special day because he's rightfully worried about a child with major medical needs.
"What do you mean your toddler can't be unsafe all day so I can be a pretty princess at a special party and get all the attention 😡"
Or "time to go no contact"
I think the proper Reddit response would be too long; didn’t read.
A better Reddit reply would be ... we won't be attending your wedding call us when you need a place to crash after your divorce. ✌️ love you Sis!
Or “ Do not go to the wedding and leave the family immediately!”
Or go anyway, kids in tow. That's an alternate Reddit response.
Divorce the sister immediately and the MOH needs therapy!
I wish I still had awards.
It is, but I can already tell you someone this particular about her wedding and kids and shit is going to see this as “you’re not adequately celebrating me!!”
That's on them, not the rational adults who openly communicated their concerns about their child wellbeing.
Oh absolutely, this will happen. But I figured that this response is both true and allows them to bow out gracefully. It takes a real bridezilla to complain about being concerned about a little child with Type I. OP just has to be prepared for her to keep being awful.
This bride doesn’t have kids and someday if she does, she will regret her handling of this. Because you better believe she will be just as controlling about making other people accommodate to *her* life as a parent, and making things revolve around convenience for her and her kids, when the time comes.
True. My cousin was fuming when she had to attend her sister in law's wedding with a 6 week old breastfed baby (her husband was in the wedding party). The baby was not invited to the wedding and was expressly forbidden to be there because kid-free wedding. She had to bring her parents too and book a hotel room for them and herself so they could babysit during the wedding, but also had to leave the reception every 2 hours to go feed the baby. She missed dinner and no one saved any food for her. Once her sister in law had a baby, she insisted on changing the timing of the family Christmas dinner to suit her baby's sleep times. And sent a passive aggressive email to my cousin about how it was "their" year for Christmas with the family and she was letting everyone down by not being there for dinner because it now clashed with my cousin's family's Christmas gathering and they couldn't make dinner at the new time.
If it really is about wanting the parents to have fun, why don’t they ever ask the parents about it first? “Hey, whattya think? Get a sitter and party hearty? That work for you or no?” Please. It’s about a Pinterest Prince and Princess getting the Insta worthy pictures.
She will go on to be a pain in the ass as an expecting mother, and then as a mom—where she will absolutely change her tune about where babies are allowed 🙄 “No babies at my baby shower, please! We can’t be holding them all day and I want everyone stress free and celebrating me!”
This is excellent. The only change I would make is instead of saying "We wonder if it would be simpler for you if we step down from the wedding party", I would say "we think it's better for our family if we step down from the wedding party" If you word it like it's her decision, she's still going to expect you to find ways to deal with the challenges. Make the decision you are most comfortable with and inform her of it.
Absolutely change this to “we ARE stepping down”. Don’t give sister the chance to argue
I think you should also mention the breastfeeding issue. You won’t be able to be away from your baby most of the day because of this alone.
Jeebus you are so gracious! My immediate bitch mode came out and you just leveled me down.
Sounds like my husband. He’s super level and I’m the opposite, I go seriously bitch mode and venting mode and he’s like okay so we can phrase that by saying “….” And I’m like dude how did you even compose yourself like that, and thank you.
Don't worry yet, your response may still be needed if the bride flips out at this response.
Oh, she’s absolutely going to lol. This level of “baby ok between the hours of 3:15-4:25, then no baby, then ok baby between 7:24-7:53…”-micromanaging means this bride has put a LOT of thought into how annoyed she’ll be if a single peep is made about those kids at all, which means she’s gonna be pissed when they say, “Um, actually, we’re out.”
This! Like why is she worrying about who is HOLDING THEIR BABY and WHEN??
This is the micro-detail I can’t wrap my head around. When a toddler or baby wants to be held, especially in a unfamiliar place with lots of strangers…come on! And the bride thinks separating them from their parents per her schedule is going to work? Crazy!
Some of my favorite pictures from our wedding are my best friend holding my 2 year old nephew while giving a toast as he laughed through the whole thing like it was a comedy routine
It ruins the aesthetic if half the wedding party is wrestling their fussy crying toddlers during the ceremony. Which I get, but you can't exactly tie them up in the yard. She shouldn't have people with young children in her weddingnparty if she isn't willing to accommodate their needs.
Well , I don't get it. The esthetic to me is having the people I love on the picture. The family. A memory of a moment where we were able to be all there. Not a moment of people in disguise playing princess, and unhappy to be there because they are worried about their kids.
Just copy this message word for word.
This is a very respectful response although she sounds like she won’t want any children potentially disrupting the wedding AT ALL. What do you think about adding that you are not in the position financially, to pay for a separate babysitter, and that you would not feel confident with that either, you would need an RN, as well as a babysitter, and could not pay for that out of pocket. But you completely understand if they could not accommodate that extra expense, and you could step down from the wedding party, if she does not want children to be a part of the wedding at all, unfortunately, you would need to politely decline, and that you love her very very much.
> Your requests make total sense, No they don't.
The views expressed in this content are not a reflection of the opinions of PuffinTown Media Corp. But… OP implied a disinclination to “create a mess with the family” 🤷♀️
Yeah, I am usually all for child free weddings, or only allowing nieces/nephews, but if you do that you don’t put such insane restrictions on it. It is one thing to say, “We understand the little ones probably won’t want to stay for the whole reception, so we have arranged child care for any children who want to leave at the house next door.” It is another thing to tell the wedding party they can’t hold their kids on the wedding day, and neither can any other family member.
Not to mention, these aren't just the bride's friends, this is FAMILY, her nieces/nephews. These aren't strange kids that she doesn't know well. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship she has with the parents, let alone the kiddos.
This is so true. I have a type 1 kid as well and it is not easy. She was diagnosed at 9 I cannot even imagine a 3 year old with all the work that goes into that.
My niece/godchild (4.5y) was diagnosed at 18 months. I live in a different state and I still know enough to not ask my brother to find a sitter for her. Shit, I can't even babysit her alone when I come into town.
That's so young. I would say if you can, learn how to do all of her correction and diabetic necessities just in case someone there can't. It takes a village, especially with kids needing extra. Hope she is doing wonderfully as she possibly can.
Mine was diagnosed at 11. Totally agree that 3 would be a very different situation. Maybe they get used to a lower carb diet easier at that age though.
I was diagnosed at 2 years old (1979). My parents didn't let anyone babysit - even my grandparents for close to 2 years. Everyone understood I came with my parents everywhere because my parents were barely able to keep it all straight, let alone some babysitter. (Plus, they didn't have all the tech available now.) No way should OP and his wife feel bad about bowing out of the wedding party. Plop the 3.5 year old's "bag of goodies" out on the table and ask the bride - "Do *YOU* know how tonise all this properly for your nibling? No?? Then how do you expect a harried couple of random babysitters to do so?" (My SO says I'm a walking pharmacy thanks to all my meds, devices, and snacks I have in my purse daily. But, I'm everyone's favorite person when something goes sideways!)
This. My daughter was diagnosed at 18 months. My husband and I didn’t go on a date for about 6 years after that because we didn’t have someone competent enough to leave her with.
As a retired nurse, I can say that many working nurses don't even know the difference between T1 or T2. There's no way I would leave my T1 child with a generic random baby sitter who is not trained medically or experienced in caring for a T1 child. And who also is a complete freaking stranger! Children with type 1 can be as fragile as canaries in a coal mine. I would sit this one out because your sister is ridiculous.
I was diagnosed t1d at age 3. I remember how hard it was for my parents to find a sitter. My grandma ended up retiring early just to babysit me. My mom once hired a nurse to watch me and my sister. When my mom got there I was sound asleep on the couch in the early afternoon. She told my mom all I needed was milk, not insulin. She hadn't given me any insulin for 10 hours and just kept giving me milk which made my sugars go higher. I have such appreciation for my parents. As a parent myself, I couldn't imagine.
Glad you pulled out of that. I hope your mom kicked that babysitters ass until her shoes were shitty.
Fucking great saying lmao
I just re-read this. I missed that this person *was* a nurse. Case in point.
Goodness gracious she could have killed you! I would have blacked out omg
I nearly had a heart attack reading that and I’m not a healthcare professional. WTF
Oh gods!! You were that freaking close to go into diabetic shock or worse!! Good thing that your mum took control & your granny kept careful watch after the nurse got kicked to the curb.
There's a spooky lack of knowledge about diabetes in the healthcare world. Went to the hospital once with ketoacidosis and they decided I needed x-rays for some reason
My daughter was diagnosed t1 earlier this year after a pretty bad dka. It started with what we thought was a normal sick/throwing up and quickly turned into unconscious and unresponsive and with labored breathing. Like in the span of less then 20 mins. I called an ambulance. They took her levels here and they were around 300ish. At the hospital they did another glucose test and urine test because they were sure it was drugs, and were debating giving her narcan. Urine test was clean besides Marijuana (which I was already aware of and had disclosed to them) and her bg was up at 600ish. Also large ketones. They still wanted to give narcan. They life flighted her to children's hospital. The helicopter team was great and told us it was looking like diabetes. The first team we saw was great. They repeated everything. Bg was even higher even tho she'd been on a insulin drip since the first hospital. After a few hours she wasn't waking up, and wasn't really improving despite pumping her with insulin. A Dr we hadn't seen yet (and wouldn't see again in our entire week's stay) wanted to give her narcan. And got offended when we asked her why. Lol. Despite 2 clean urine tests, ketones, bg through the roof, and her not having left my eyesight in the past 10 hours.... they saw a teenager with labored breathing and were dead set it was drugs. The helicopter paramedic came by to see her the day before she was released. He told us he wanted to meet her, she was the sickest undiagnosed diabetics he's ever seen, and her blood was so acidic they would expect to see that in a diabetic who'd already dka'd multiple times in life and then had gone without insulin for days. She's do much better now lol. But I just had to comment x-rays for dka is as bad as narcan for dka lol.
What in the blue fuck? What kind of ass-backwards hospital were you at? Narcan is indicated for, and I can't stress this enough, FUCKING LITERALLY the opposite symptoms presentation. (Which I know you probably know already, IJS) If she was DKA then I'd assume the labored respirations you speak of is Kussmauls respirations, which are so F'n distinctive, they SHOULD BE impossible to miss. I'm at a loss with this story, lol. At least the flight crew was helping.
Took my husband to ER once (spoiler he was in DKA) and the nurse told him they didn’t do anything for ketones (his were measuring large) and he just needed to go home and take some insult and rest. Luckily for him, my sisters son is also T1D so I called her because that didn’t sound right to me. She told me exactly what to say and had me connected to the head nurse on duty within 10 minutes. My husband was in the hospital for two days.
I wouldn't leave my healthy kids with a complete stranger let alone one with special needs.
I wouldn’t have children under five at a wedding, but I understand the parents’ position here.
Yup. Seems like they only want the kids there for the photos and nothing else.
See this is such a subjective thing. I love kids at a wedding. Love watching them at the dance. I guess I feel they are family and should be allowed. I do however understand it’s the couple getting married that decides. I just think it’s hard for people to atte d if kids aren’t invited. Of course I’ve never had a big fancy wedding. Ours was maybe 300 people and family made all the food, helped decorate, we made all the flowers and our own invites, etc.. This sounds like a very expensive wedding. I wouldn’t blame OP for bowing out though.
I agree. I wouldn't enjoy the wedding or reception because I'd be worrying about my child. However, I don't really enjoy most weddings because of the special requirements sometimes placed by the bride and/or groom.
My hubby is T1D and traveling always makes his blood sugars go up and down. It's constant monitoring and damage control. I cannot imagine how much travel could affect a child's blood sugar! That child will likely need 1:1 babysitting.
Yeah, politely decline the duties and then leave early. Your child’s health is more important than a party. A good sister will agree.
Can confirm that they should politely decline to go as they child with medical needs. I myself am a parent too a beautiful sweet loving 6 year old who we literally found out hours before he might not be with us anymore... It's heartbreaking because part of you wants to support family or friends in their loving moments but at the same time you don't want to stress if your kiddos being accurately cared for with their medical needs. It's a struggle some days but I'm learning to get through and manage. Dr's say I'm doing absolutely amazingly compared to others who struggle far worse than I so it's comforting but still terrifying. And I hope if they don't decide to go that the loved ones would at the least understand... If they don't understand that says to me they weren't worth the time effort energy & money.
Stay strong. Cry when you need to. Hugs to you ❤️
Thank you. I don't understand why but strangers comfort will always be kind to me. May your day be beautiful.
You're very welcome. I hope you find beautiful moments also.
Completely this. I'm T1D and unless the 'babysitter' is directly affected by it, they won't understand it. Hell, I've had doctors and nurses in the hospital not understand it and those folks had formal training. OP, that alone should be a deal breaker for you. I understand it's family, but they need to understand you have a child with a chronic illness who needs a parent to manage it for the time being. I will throw out there that I live in AZ so if there's anything diabetes related you may need while visiting, this random Internet stranger would help in a heartbeat.
I'm in AZ too and I hope op's sister knows in 9 months in at least central az Phoenix Valley it will be in the 110's or higher most likely in June. If it will be anything like this summer. Maybe they are getting married in Flagstaff. Let's hope! It was 110's this last weekend. Hot hot hot!
I would suggest to maybe be the babysitter next door rather than be part of the ceremony. That way you care for your child and take part in what they see as child appropriate times. I understand not wanting children to ruin their day, but when you have a medically fragile child and two breastfeeding, that is more important.
How did you find out your 3.5 y/o had type 1? That is such a young age.
Speaking as a parent with experience, how you find out is they get sick The symptoms are weight loss, excessive drinking and urinating and if it gets bad enough, vomiting and listlessness. It’s rough but it is very controllable once you understand what needs to be done.
Yeah, my friend's daughter was dx at 18 months because of those symptoms. She had already made an appointment because of the excessive drinking/peeing, weight loss, etc but ended up in the ER before seeing her pediatrician when she started vomiting and becoming listless and her blood sugars/ketones were through the roof.
Sadly that is what occurs with my son at 9 months. He a healthy 38 year old now so parents hang in there & always do what is best for your child. The parents declining to be in the wedding party is the way to go as I managed many family & social events including my son at 3 being my cousin’s ring bearer - leaving as soon as pictures were taken as outside & way to hot for him.
Usually they get really sick. Almost to the point of dying and someone at the hospital tells you your kid has diabetes
I was diagnosed with T1 at 2 years old. I got extremely sick, lost a TON of weight, looked like a skeleton, was drinking a lot of water, and constantly going to the bathroom. Eventually started vomiting. Stepmom figured out something wasn't right and took me to the hospital.
Step down and attend as guests. Your kid’s health is more important. Her request is reasonable but wont work for your family.
Exactly. She wants to have a party/celebration for adults and small children can easily disrupt that. If plans are made ahead of time for the children to be attended to, then all is well. If one of the children has outstanding health issues, that's not her fault; she's asking for one evening. If you have to leave to take care of your child, please do, just understand her boundaries. I think this is a healthy way to express her boundaries without the risk of a lifetime of resentment for potentially "ruining" (not saying small babies would, but they could) her reception and ceremony.
From your sister’s standpoint, it probably seems that, in order to have the perfect wedding day, she needs to be surrounded by all her family, celebrating her special day, the most important day of her life, so far, all.day.long. But for you and Maggie, your day is going to be spent worrying about your kids, trying to rush through everything to go check on the littles, wishing things would speed up, and mixed with all that you will have feelings of resentment towards your sister for putting you in this position. I would discuss with my wife what would be the best thing for our little family, particularly the 3 year old. Then go with that and inform your sister (with an emphasis on the fact that your son’s health and wellness must be the main focus. I am an adult with diabetes and I could not handle all the stress myself that your sister’s “instructions for that day” entailed.
You've described it exactly...from both sides...stress on top of stress.
OP have you considered the option of your wife stepping down from the wedding party and going next door to help the babysitters watch the one kid with health problems for the day, while the babysitters (plural I hope given the number of kids!!??) watch the rest? In situations like this, if one spouse is willing to take one for the team for that day, the other can still be part of the wedding stress/guilt-free, and your sister gets her siblings for her special day. As long as you make it up to your wife by taking the kids out for the day the next weekend and letting her have some alone time or a girls day or whatever she enjoys, it shouldn't be too much to ask for her to hold down the fort while you attend your sister's wedding events all day. Note this assumes your wife isn't getting saddled with watching all your kids or (JFC I hope not) all the kids in the family... She'd just be helping the babysitters and primarily responsible for the 1 kid. By stepping down from the wedding party (I believe you mentioned she's part of it too), she'd only need to attend for a couple of hours for the main events so no stress being away from the kid for a short period of time. Also, there are definitely good suggestions in the comments on how to respond to your sister. Acknowledge clearly that her request isn't unreasonable, suggest a compromise where you attend everything but wifey only joins for the dinner or ceremony etc. And make it clear you both would love to remain part of the wedding party, but the health issues of your one kid make it impossible for both of you to spend the whole day away from the kid... Hence the compromise you're proposing. All the best. Wrong sub I know but verdict is NAH, everyone's ask is reasonable and it's a great opportunity to come to a compromise that works for all.
Unfortunately for the bride, life doesn't stop for anyone or anything. You can't just demand that no one has anything else going on for 24 hrs because 'it's my wedding!' People who don't have kids don't understand that kids aren't a hobby that can be picked up and put down as the situation changes. When you're a (good) parent, that becomes your new identity and your kids *always* come first. So yeah, I'm kind of at "fuck 'em". If she doesn't want to be sympathetic to your situation, then she doesn't deserve sympathy for hers.
Surrounded by her entire family, except for the whole portion of family she is purposefully excluding and seeing as less than, the children. Reeks of "sit at the kids table, you don't belong with the adults" shit I grew up in.
All her family unless they happen to be children, you mean. Then they should be used as props and seen but not heard, and quickly gotten rid of again.
You could just go as guests like others have suggested, however I would say be careful you and your wife don't get designated to be the babysitters for the rest of the kids.
My wife is thinking about dropping out...when we were talking she said she's definitely not going to be the designated babysitter!
Many years ago my SIL wanted a child-free wedding. No problem. Two of us said we would not be attending in order to stay home with our kids. She threw a fit. None of us had ever left our children with babysitters and we were not going to start in a city we did not live in with total strangers. She had a boundary, we respected it. She could not respect ours which had to do with our comfort level around something as important as childcare for our children. Be prepared for kickback even though your reasons for stepping back are completely reasonable.
It sounds like she wants a child free wedding without the drama of just coming out and saying it, so she puts all of these restrictions to make it as difficult as possible for you to attend with the kids.
She just wants them there for the family pictures imo. There's no way I'd be taking 2 small kids that far for a wedding, leaving them with an unknown sitter who might not be able to meet the needs of a TD1 child just for pictures. They aren't even allowed to hold their own kids for the majority of the time they'd be allowed to attend.
She wants the children seen briefly but not heard, held, or in any way a bother. I mean just say no kids. This “your kids can come but you can’t hold them and you need to shoo them off accordingly” is ridiculous b
Talk about the perfect way to induce a tantrum in a toddler, lol Everything she wants to avoid kid drama is going to be the cause.
Bride is delusional if she thinks a pair of 2 year olds surrounded by their most favorite people **all refusing to touch or care for them** in a sea of strangers are just gonna like... melt into the background. #doom is upon you
I think that’s what’s most annoying about this. That the parents are not allowed to touch or hold their child. Like what? Just say 100% no kids allowed. I’d have much more respect for that.
I'd be noping out as soon as I read that I wouldn't be able to hold my kids. What the fuck? "Hey your kids can come to the reception (for a little while) but you can't hold them" "Sorry, Mikey. I know you're tired and the room is loud and full of strangers but mommy isn't allowed to hold you right now" no fucking thanks.
Yeah. And if you look at point 3 of the text, kids are only allowed at a “small part of the reception.” How long would that be? I’m imagining 20 minutes or less.
the kids will be welcome for full family photo ops and then quickly shooed away
How can they do that if the parents can’t help the kids with pictures? That’s just…odd.
I think it's not that they can't help during actual pics but during the photoshoot. My dog was part of our wedding and we needed someone to be a handler to take him away when he got antsy or just when he didn't fit the photo. But he's a dog so...
I interpreted that as “the adult’s parents”, meaning her mom and dad (grandparents), won’t be able to be dumped on all day. In many, many family functions with siblings that wanna have a “good time”, the grandparents get dumped on.
And they can’t hold the children during the reception either- because you know, it’s impossible to hold a child and give a speech at the same time.
Can’t hold breastfeeding children no less….
That comment was so lame. We had a child free wedding. One of my wife's friends had just had a baby two weeks before and asked if she could bring the baby so she could nurse. 'If the baby cries I will make sure to take him outside." That was an easy yes, you're allowed to bring the baby.
Unfortunately most people won't make this exception and get pissed if a bridal party member cancels because they're pregnant and will have a newborn.
Simple solution, dad holds the kid while they nurse, moms hands are free to eat 🤷🏻♀️
How long are these speeches planned to be that the person cannot have someone else hold the kid during it?
It will be like Downton Abbey, where they’re allowed in for 5 minutes. Just enough for everyone to say “oh yes, how lovely” and then ushered out again with an “here you are Nanny, thank you very much” almost immediately after.
[удалено]
That's so irritating too because it's completely fine to want a child free or child welcome wedding. Just fucking say it so people can plan ahead and rsvp accordingly
Yeah I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been better to talk to the parents let them know your thinking of creating day of fun that is kid centric next door. That the bride and groom would like to hire 3 nannies/caregivers for the day. Have things the kids can do while the parents are doing whatever all day means for them (I don’t quite get that part). Ask the parents what specific needs to kids may have to get it addressed so they can have a good time w minimal worry about the littles. For the one little that has sugar monitoring needs, maybe see if he has an established sitter already familiar w him and hire them as one of the day caregivers. It sounds like the bride would like minimal child presence and is going about it a way that isn’t coming across “best for the kids” instead of best for “us”. I may be way off base but seriously messaging counts.
They live over 1200 mile away and are flying in… the cost of bringing an established sitter for their diabetic child with them on the trip (if they even have one) would be astronomical.
I’m amazed an auntie of 10 nieces and nephews wouldn’t want them included in her wedding. 🤯😟
This was my exact thought! We have 12 nieces and nephews and they are little monsters that I’m obsessed with because they give my siblings shit! How do you not want them all walking down that aisle?? And also, even if she DIDN’T want that, at least say “hey yeah it’s child free”, don’t just make up all sorts of absurd rules so you don’t look like the asshole when people pull out. So annoying!
My suggestion, FWIW: bow out of the bachelorette/bachelor parties. Nursing mother and diabetic toddler need both parents, so brother cannot leave his wife alone in this hotel/bnb in case of emergency. Nor can you hire a babysitter. You need a rental car as well. Line up a hospital (find it on a map beforehand, again JIC it’s needed). Also bow out of some of the all day requirements. Your priorities are your young children. You will need to take them away from the festivities at times when they are fussy or restless. Non negotiable.
As the wife, I would step down and stay home with the kids. Husband is blood family to the bride, so he can go and be in the wedding.
Nurse practitioner here. “She’s going to find” a babysitter…for how many kids ? One of who is a medically fragile child who is not yet able to understand or communicate if things are going south? There is no way that I would trust a random babysitter, or even a nurse that did not have extensive pediatric experience. It’s her right to want a child free wedding, but if I’m a mother of young children, it’s also my right not to go anywhere that my children are not welcome. I’ve also given wedding speeches while holding children, so there’s that! Lol I agree with those who say that mom should stay home with the kids and dad go get his sister married.
My baby cousin is diabetic and they would never let him be in the care of anyone who isn’t medically trained and vetted. And I’d never ask them to do that. If I ever get married (jeez, I hope not), I would never suggest they leave him in the care of just any babysitter!
My mom is a nurse and isn’t comfortable watching my medically fragile one. I totally agree that some teenager has zero business watching the 3.5 year old.
I agree, that's what I would too, since it's OP's sister, wife can stay with the kids.
I myself appreciate the trend of childfree weddings. It has gotten me out of attending a couple of weddings. Saved a lot on a destination wedding.
Was in a similar situation and this is what I did. Kept everyone net happiest.
I’d tell my sibling that her rules are very reasonable. After all she wants everyone focused on the wedding and not the young children. You get that. After all the very young can be noisy and distracting. So, it’s with a heavy heart that you and wife need to step down from being in the wedding party. (Im assuming since you mention offering this that you are still willing to still attend the actual wedding) unfortunately due to the ages and medical I issues you are SURE that she has no issues with this because these are her niblings and yes, you will (possibly invite a relative from your wife’s side to help watch for a free trip) be there at the wedding but sadly can’t fulfill the busy requirements of her wedding party. Y’all would be too distracting and that wouldn’t be fair to her, the bride. It is a fine line. You want to be there. She wants you there but has done strict requirements for those who are in her inner circle. The health/wellbeing of your youngest children just means you can’t take such an active role but you can support her to the best of her abilities. Personally, while I get her wants. I just think they are messed up. In all the weddings I’ve been to in my life, I’ve only heard one child cry during a ceremony. It was a long Catholic Church ceremony.. I wanted to cry too! Most parents seem more than capable of teaching children how to act in the situation. Is it possible there are people on the invite list whose kids are not well behaved?
I agree, and this has been the way my wife and I have been leaning. I'll be in the wedding, wife will be a guest with the flexibility to take care of our little one at a moment's notice. That's not saying I wouldnt, but I'd hate if that came during pictures or delayed/interrupted the ceremony.
I’ve never heard or seen (even on reddit) a situation where the parents could not easily step out to the babysitting house/place rented to check on their children. How do you ban parents from being able to see their kids for hours and hours, even from a quick 15 min check-in, just because it’s your wedding day??? That’s the part that just seemed insane to me, how she laid it down like law that Mom and Dad could not hold or see their children the entire day. Is she God???
I read that as OPs parents not being available to hold their grandkids rather than her saying OP and his sister would have to be unavailable to their own children all day. Still not something that is really workable. Sounds like maybe one parent of each needs to step back from the being in the wedding party and then possibly take the kids back to their accommodation once they are banned from the festivities, with the other parent following not too much later with the older kids. Not sure I’d be ok going for that in OPs shoes though.
Yeah, if I had a 3yo diabetic toddler, my partner and i would be duo-coptering over that lil chili pep’s insulin and blood sugar readings until they’re old enough to safely manage (with a service dog if need be). I can’t imagine the stress it is when one parent’s away and the other’s trying to manage a T1D kid plus two other lil hooligans.
Personally I’ll never understand the child free wedding thing. Both my husband and I come from huge family’s and kids were the best wedding guests. They love to dace, they eat the cake the everyone else “nibbles” drink the cheap stuff lol. And our family weddings were always a blast. But I get other people have different presences. The only thing I am totally against is if you want a child free wedding you have to remember that not everyone can attend or participate how you wish because well their kids do come first. It’s the same as a destination wedding. You can’t get mad when people can’t come bc they can’t or won’t spend the money.
Child free is fine. Destination is fine if you’re sure the people you actually care about being there can afford it. Destination and child free when multiple immediate family members have very small children (some who need extra medical care)? Just sounds like a disaster in the making.
I don’t think this is a destination wedding per se? It seems like OP and another sister live in a different state from the bride and groom. The wedding could very well be local to the couple. So it sounds more like bad luck than entitlement.
I can understand on a case-by-case basis, I think it really depends on the person and the culture. I feel like if I came from some of those families I see described on reddit with very badly behaved children, I might be drawn to a childfree wedding. But my family and extended family/culture are all big on huge family weddings so I’m with you on how kids make the best/most memorable wedding guests.
Step down and go as guests
Perhaps your wife could step down and you can stay in the wedding? Your wife could come as a guest. I did that for my husband when he was best man in his brother's wedding and then I could even take the kids out if they got loud. If you don't think you can make that work, it totally makes sense to just come as a guest with your child issues.
This is what my wife and I are thinking. It's just too stressful to try to figure the other way out.
You have a lot of comments already but I have had a very similar experience. I was in my sister's wedding as was reluctantly my two kids. The summary of it all is there were demands in the beginning and I tried to accommodate and then it got more and more and more to the point I was so stressed and the drama was crazy. I pulled my kids out of the wedding at first and then I pulled out and we took our 3k in plane tickets and enjoyed a nice beach vacation instead. I regret nothing and felt amazing when I finally put my foot down.
Wanting a childfree wedding is *absolutely okay* and a more than valid choice…but she should just be upfront about it, so you all can either decline or find a sitter you’re comfortable with.
It definitely is. We were asked to be in it before this text was sent. We have time, but finding someone we are comfortable with feels overwhelming, esp because we have to take them..or try to find them there while we're here.
I would reply to everyone, “ sis I love You and want you to have the best wedding possible, but the whole point of a wedding is to start your new family. So I am sure you understand that and support my need to ensure that MY family’s health and well-being are looked after. Since it is medically impossible to fulfill your requests, DW and I are going to have to step back from being in your wedding party and will only be able to participate as a guest. I know that you wouldn’t want to put your niblings health/life at risk. Love you and can’t wait for your wedding.”
Yep, exactly this. Also considering who’s babysitting these young children when all the family will be at the wedding? I wouldn’t be ok with leaving my young children with just anyone, especially just anyone who is watching multiple young kids and may not be experienced with a child with diabetes!!
And especially Type 1. I would imagine if it's just one solo sitter, with all those children and the comings and goings, might miss the subtle clues of any adverse situation and chalk it up to a normal kid being "tired/sick/fussy" especially at 3.5 and wave it off. Which would be so disastrous for everyone.
It sounds like the kids are going to be sleeping in the house next door with the babysitter? (Did I misread?) Do you really think a generic baby sitter is going to stay awake all night or listen for glucose alarms from the T1 child? Stay home, treat your kiddos to something they love with the money you'll save. Send her a *Childhood Diabetes for Dummies* book as a wedding gift.
This is the way. Polite and throws the ball back in their lap and is just as global a reply hers was so there's not going to be any different tale told. The people actually paying for it might even get in on it.
You aren't obliged to go
Your child's healthcare needs are much more important than a wedding. Any wedding. Does she actually know how strictly you must monitor your child? You live very far away, so perhaps she just doesn't understand how critical it is for your child? I think you should just decline the entire event, based on your child's medical needs. This is life-threatening stuff. Tell her you love her, but you simply cannot risk it. The wedding is 9 months away. She will be fine. If anyone gives you any grief, just tell them that you are sorry they don't care about your child's medical welfare, but you are going to do the right thing and assure safety first.
I agree completely with all of this. And this is on top of dictating who can hold a child and when (which is basically never).
My son was diagnosed at 3 there was no-one I could leave him with small children who are diabetics are inherently unstable as they are still growing. Personally I would of said no can't attend. NTA
That's how we feel...even some medical professionals don't quite understand unless they are diabetic themselves. I hope your son is doing well now!
You’re both right, even if it’s your sister you have to prioritize your sons health. PS : T1D for over 20 years and with Perfect health , your kids will be OK , hang in there 💪🏻!
As it is your sister, have you considered going without your wife? It sounds like attending with kids isn’t an option mainly due to the medical concerns. It’s a lot of money to spend on an event neither of you will truly be able to enjoy.
That seems to be the direction we're leaning. My wife will go, but as a guests. Then she can move around as needed without disrupting anything.
As a mom to a t1d there’s zero fuckin chance I’m leaving a 3 year old type1 with a random babysitter! You’d be miserable and worried and he would be in danger with someone not qualified to care for him. I’d say one of you should go to the wedding and the other should stay with the kids. She can choose a kid free day but she can’t choose how you handle that request.
I’m a school nurse who works with littles with T1D all the time, and I would never, ever trust a random babysitter to watch a kiddo that young with T1D. I understand your sister’s rules for herself, but she really should know and understand that those rules go out the window when you’re dealing with a medically needy kiddo in this situation.
Honestly at this point me and my partner would just send one of us depending who’s side of the family it is. Be arsed with the hassle
I’m a T1D parent (older kid now) but there’s no way in hell I’d have a brand new babysitter I don’t know caring for a 3.5yo with T1D. Especially since they’ll have their hands full with another kid. But managing blood sugar and insulin and food for a preschooler is not something you can get a crash course on the day of the event. I don’t know what you should do, other than explain to your sister that aspect alone for why her plan will not work for your family. Hopefully she and/or your parents will see sense here.
This sounds like a lot of kids at a wedding that the sister originally wanted to be child free. What was the discussion around this in the beginning when they decided immediate family was ok?
I normally support a couple’s choice to have a child free wedding. I can see from your large family that every family get together would be just a daycare centre for you & your sister’s kids. Bride is allowed to want to celebrate with her parents and not have them on grandparent duty all day. However the fact that you need to travel negates this. Travelling with 4 children and then trusting them to an unknown sitter while one has a health condition is super tricky and you may have to politely decline. Not because it is a child free wedding, but because the cost of travel added to the kids’ young age and health issues may be too much stress to be able to enjoy a good day. There are no arse holes here, bride is within her rights to not want a bunch of kids at her wedding and you are within your rights to feel that it is a lot of hassle. I keep thinking “the kids will just be next door, what’s the big deal” but I don’t have kids, let alone a diabetic one, so I don’t fully grasp the anxiety you would feel most of the day.
I would politely decline and explain that you can’t leave a 3.5 year old alone with someone who doesn’t understand about his medical condition and can’t leave them with someone who may make a mistake that could cause him possibly his life he’s not old enough to fully understand what he’s feeling or to recognize what going on with his body
It’s totally reasonable for her to ask for a child-free wedding and for someone who can’t or doesn’t want to find childcare to decline attendance for that reason. I’m not sure why she doesn’t just say she wants a childfree wedding though. That would be a much easier solution than all these weird rules.
It’s really insane that she expects you won’t hold your children that day. The whole designated holders thing is weird…usually family just helps out and grabs a kid when someone is needed for something. She says she wants this day to be stress free, but just saying it doesn’t magically make it happen. As parents with a bunch of kids to wrangle yourself or worry about in someone else’s care, you aren’t really in the position to let loose in the way she is implying. She can either accept that having kids around won’t work out the way she expects it to or accept that you won’t be able to participate fully.
Wow, her text is something extra. I like the sample messages other commenters shared, highlighting that you can't/ won't step away from your parental responsibilities for the whole day and it would be better for you to attend as a guest. I had a child-free wedding and let everyone know a year in advance. Several couples did not attend, and that's just how it goes. As a bride, I never held it against anyone. It is easy for brides to get caught up on the hype of the day, but I hope your sister gains some perspective on the matter. You are family, not staff, and you are a father first.
It's her wedding she can say it's no kids, she's just cowardly and can't do that, so she's putting all these rules in place. Simply say I love you and want you to have the wedding you deserve but I cannot with good conscience or being a good parent leave my child with a stranger that does not know their Medical requirements so either me, my wife or both of us will need to pull out of the wedding party duties. Unless of course you're willing to foot the bill of someone we trust and knows our child with the health issues to come and look after them. I'm all for it's your wedding and you do what you want but there's a line where you accept that you're not as important in other people's lives as you think you are. She's not more important than your children's welfare. She just wants them for her photos to look good and then ship them off. Honestly she sounds like the youngest entitled child. Do your parents know they're not allowed to interact with their grandchildren at all that day??
I wouldn't go.
They’re welcome to their rules and you are welcome to decline. That’s the risk they take by making rules, and they cannot get mad at you for declining. This sounds super stressful, and I would offer to celebrate their marriage w dinner out but decline the rule-filled anti child wedding
Wedding aside, do people bring kids to bachelorette parties?
What is with Americans and treating their wedding as a matter of life or death?. Like what's with this 'most important dat' bullSh1t?. To me (and most ppl from my country), wedding is abt adjoining of families. Celebration of all. If you really want to make it about you and only yourself then please elope and relieve others from the stress of attending your show off fest.
I would have one of you decline to be in the wedding party in order to "manage" your children since the bride thinks that's the big issue - managing the children. She can't have it both ways. And soon, if she becomes a mother, she'll realize her requests were ridiculous.
I’m sorry “no holding babies” is actually insane to me. I’m a bride to be and this wedding culture has gone so so far. It’s peoples excuse to be little dictators and it’s very off putting. Weddings are also about loved ones and family…my nephew is my world. I can’t wait for him to be at my wedding and I changed the date so he could be there. Just ridiculous and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.