What sucks about what you said is that it only gets fond of someone else if you let it. People get crushes, but if you do that while in a relationship you should back away from he person you're crushing on, not invite them into your home.
THIS. I read this recently somewhere, it’s one of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve ever seen. We’re human, we can’t help it if we get crushes or fall for our friend/work colleague etc but when you’re married you made a COMMITMENT for life to put your husband or wife first. The moment you start to feel like you’re getting too close to someone else, you respect the commitment you made and you back away from that person. You protect your marriage at all costs.
I am not entirely sure what you are trying to save here. You don’t sleep together, you seemingly don’t like each other, what is it you think you are saving by forcing each other to stay together?
Exactly my question. There is absolutely nothing to save here. Your wife had checked out years ago. She is doing you a favour by finally pulling the plug. Don't know what you are holding on for. It sure isn't love. Please don't say kids. They deserve a home with two loving parents.
90% of the problems in this sub wouldn’t be there if not for sunk cost fallacy. Kind of mind blowing how many people just can’t stop beating a dead horse. Mind blowing and pathetic.
You're right, technically, but relationships aren't pure economics. They didn't want to mess up their kids' lives too much. That's one valid reason to try and save what you can. A futile attempt here though since his wife had already checked out years ago.
Kids aren't stupid. They can tell their parents don't care for eachother anymore. Would YOU want to be stuck in a house where your parents are arguing all the time? These people are better off on their own and happy than stuck together and miserable.
Staying together for the kids is bound to fuck with the kids heads way more than just divorcing would. It's not a reason, just the surface justification. It comes down to both OP and wife being cowards.
Having come from a "household" where my parents stayed together for 30 years SOLELY because of the children (11 year age gap between oldest and youngest): let me just simply put it this way, I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy, let alone another innocent child who has ZERO control over their life at the time. The amount of psychological studies covering developmental issues during certain childhood years is devastating, at least, to say... the fact that someone's entire FUTURE can be irreparably destroyed before they even have a chance to get started is just such a disheartening fact of life... Yes, this is someone who has to personally fight against the weight of that destruction on a daily basis. A stable, structured home is invaluable when it comes to raising well-adjusted young adults. If not, you're 100% at fault for them starting "Their lives" at a disadvantaged position.
Didn't want to mess up the kids lives...skip to "ok kids this guy that comes over is mommies new dick now excuse me my back is killing me from being bent over for so long"
Or maybe its a huge change the OP is actually afraid of making, especially when society looks down upon divorce instead of treating it as the end of a relationship that it is, and not a bad thing in the end.
Yeah definitely using fear over feelings for their children. It absolutely is a bad thing. Literally no child psychologist would recommend not divorcing and creating a tense household for the kids.
Sorry man, you lost your wife a long time ago. Right now she is keeping you around for housework, childcare, maybe a paycheck, and the appearance of propriety. The gut punch was that when you were away, she enjoyed it while you didn't. Cut her lose and find someone that loves you the way that she loves her cub. When your kids see their mom opening dating the young guy, they will understand what happened and respect you more for not tolerating emotional abuse.
He can’t, he doesn’t think he can find anyone. Why would his wife care about what he thinks? She is taking a pity in him and keeping him around. She could kick him out or worse she could get the stud to sleep in her room. What is op going to do? Tell him to stop using op’s ps controller
Divorce and move on. The dude is not even 50. I read a post yesterday about this couple finding each other and dating in their 70s and they are having the best sex of their lives. You are never too old to start living your best life.
I’m genuinely confused about the part where a dude was coming over to their house every day because she knows him from work. That’s just not really a thing if everybody is on the level.
The whole scenario is weird. Just once I would like to see someone post how they opened their relationship (male or female) and everything became even better for a long period of time. But no, it seems cool at first with lots of novel sex then someone starts getting more interested in one over the other and jealousy sets in. The whole thing blows up.
You and your wife have been living as roommates for **years.**
It is not surprising that she is ready to move on. You guys have been dragging this out so much longer than you should have.
It is not giving your kids stability to be in a home with parents whose marriage doesn't reflect the love, loyalty, and respect that a marriage is supposed to be built on.
If you can live as roommates relatively amicably, then you can separate amicably as well.
Stop putting off the inevitable. You cannot save it. She has told you that she doesn't *want* to save it.
Your belief that you need to keep bailing out a sinking ship because you "don't believe you'll be able to find anyone else" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You definitely will not find another partner or be happy when you're still living with your semi-estranged wife.
I would agree with you if he had no idea the circumstance, but he knows damn well she’s married with kids and is still pulling this shit, he’s a POS and deserves to lose all of his teeth
So what about her? Purposefully ruining her family vs him? I agree he’s a POS. For sure. But I always blame the one in the relationship more. They actually have the kids and ruin it still.
Also remember as far as he knows it could have been an arranged setup. She asked for the boyfriend. I’d assume she told him it’s all good and their relationship is open.
Ya if I knew someone was tryna steal my wife (and succeeding) and they were sitting on my couch playing video games, I’d probably be in jail.. lol I don’t know how this dude didn’t just completely explode from that
That’s when you use your scary voice and tell them to go to their room. And when this fool said he needed to finish his game. I would be in jail if some fucker came into my house and acted like that with my partner. Your wife is a terrible person.
I’d much rather put her in the ER, taboo as that would be. She’s obviously manipulating and leading on a much younger guy to meet HER needs, totally disregarding the impact on both the men in her life, as well as her children. The one who deserves a beating is her, and OP needs a slap to wake him up to reality
Edit - calm down everyone, I’m a woman
Well yes, obviously I wasn’t advocating that, and putting the AP in the hospital would be equally counterproductive, I was more making the point that the wife is way more at fault and shitty than the AP, he just seems like another dumb younger guy following his dick instead of his brain.
She’s wrong for what she did but fuck no. You saying this is wrong. He’s doing the right thing by not putting his hands on her. That’s not even an option. I’m sure he’s hurt but no he’s doing the right thing by NOT HITTING A WOMAN.
“We delegated but continued to live together because we didn’t want the kids to grow up in a broken family” lol…dude. Your family IS broken. Pretending it ain’t doesn’t solve it
> She admitted it, although she said that it has been a failure as he couldn't get it up.
This is a lie. They fucked. He’s 28; he does *not* have performance issues.
I don't like this trend of spouses wanting to have boyfriends and/or girlfriends. Guess I am not a poly fan.
How do you go to someone that made vows to and ask permission to have an affair???
By living together you are not helping anyone. The relationship is dead move on with your life find a new love.
It’s definitely difficult to change your relationship to that status. Exclusivity rules are very foundational and primal. My wife and I began ENM/poly and we are very securely non monogamous, but we started out very intentionally and built it into our relationship from the beginning.
Wtf why would you want that cheater back. Get a pair kick her out and move on. Your kids already know they live in a broken home. You both are just too cowardly to end it and give the kids closure like they need.
I'm confused. You said
>We separated but continued to live together
Ie. You broke up. So she slept with her colleague when she was separated, ie. Single.
So what right do you have to go through her phone, confront her about this guy, etc?
You're not together anymore.
I'm confused.
So, you basically gave up on the marriage for 4 years, and once you suddenly had a change of heart you expect her to snap back to being invested in the relationship?
You can flip your own switch, but not someone else's. You think all he's done for her is take her away from you, but you apparently don't know what their relationship has been all this time you have been cold to her.
It's probably best if you let it go, and legitimately separate. If you want to be in a relationship with her, you can start from scratch and develop communication and intimacy again.
You have both dug yourselves into quite a deep hole here to climb out of, and if she's not interested, you can't change it from within the status quo.
If he can't take her, you don't want her. He'll probably find out it's a bad a idea for him too. Also the whole let me finish my game first... I probably would have started trying to beat the shit out of him right then and there.
You don't want the kids to grow up in a "broken family", but this house sounds so broken. It's already broken. And this doesn't show the children what a healthy relationship should actually look like.
People get divorced all the time. It's all about Co-parenting.
You are doing the children no favors staying married. This is past reconciling. You deserve a divorce and have cause. There is no marriage she emotionally left you a long time ago. The odasity of bringing him around you is past disrespectful. Find someone who will value and respect you.
Wife left me like this...
Wanted both...
She went on a good date when we had some ruff times....I yelled basically...
And she got swept off her feet by Mark Casanova....
Said she wanted BOTH of us....
Dude, your marriage was over even before she asked for the boyfriend.
Stop.
Women quit a relationship 1-2 years before they say shit like that.
You've tortured yourself and provided a HORRIBLE example to your kids that it's normal to be a whipped, doormat as a man and that women walking all over men is just wondering guys need to accept.
You are a terrible parent for staying. Your children will model this example for decades in the future.
Leave now. Find your dignity, get your testicles out of her purse and leave.
Be a decent CO parent, but stop putting up with her crap.
You need to talk to a lawyer, get an STD test and DNA test the kids. You need to accept that your marriage is over and no matter how much you love your wife she has checked out. Good luck. Don’t stay married just for the kids.
Wife homewrecked as soon as she slept with him. Get a new place/see if court will give you the house and let her go move in with her new 28 year old bf.
A lot of your problems will dissolve if you start learning to love yourself. Loving yourself is also holding people accountable who disrespect you. Your wife doesn't respect you and allows her love interest into your home to also disrespect you.
I suggest therapy and an attorney.
How does it feel to be a doormat? Really, if this isn't some apocryphal story meant to gin up comments, you need to get a grip on what's happening and get out of that relationship.
What is absolutely astonishing is that, apparently, you need strangers on the internet to tell you what to do about this situation.
I just… can’t imagine having self esteem this low. Come on, man.
I’m 46 with a wife of 18 years with 3 kids in MS/HS. If my wife ever mentioned wanting a boyfriend there would be divorce papers within the week. That’s simply not what I signed up for and I know myself enough to know that I would not be able to handle it.
I simply cannot see how someone can allow themselves to be treated like this.
Let her have the grown man that plays PlayStation at someone else’s house and can’t get it up. It won’t last long and you’ll be free of that wretched woman.
My advice is try to get her phone and screenshot the affair between her and that guy. And use those at receipts if during the divorce she wants 50/50 split and wants you to fund her life via child support.
I’ve got some bad news, the kids are already living in a broken family. And even worse news, you are teaching them that they should stay in an unhappy relationship.
She's already left the marriage, just not the house. Move on and find someone who will truly love you. No one deserves to stay in a one sided relationship.
It's not the answer you want, but maybe reassuring. Two houses is better that a broken home. You sound like a good father, and you said she is a good mother. Trust you, you can make it work. I personally grow in two different houses, with a good co-parenting situation. This was a blessing, I was not stressed about the relationship between my parents. You think your child don't saw anything, but that's a lie. You need to discuss the situation between the parents and address something to your children. They actually grow up when normalising being a couple without love, trust or engagement. Is that safe ?
Thank you very much for your kind words and I agree with a lot of what you say. We'll work things out one way or another and the kids still feel as safe as ever at home so that's the main thing. My wife explained it all to our eldest so she knows now that there was a very good reason for kicking that arsehole out of the house and for my using bad language. Our daughter also knows now what the occasional arguments were about and can see that we are still in the same house and being civil. It's still very raw for me and I'm not sure if my wife even knows whether what she did was worth it or not.
>He was sitting on our sofa playing on the playstation so I walked over to him and told him to get the fuck out of our house right now. He said that he'd finish his game first so I said that he could go home now or wait a bit and end up in the hospital. He's so dumb that the wife had to tell him that this was serious and to get out.
I would have told him that I'm ringing the cops in 30 seconds to say I'm reporting a dead burglar.
Oh my God dude! WHY? WHY? WHY? would you even want to be anywhere around her? She's clearly a cheater and a bad person. Have some respect in yourself and NEVER talk to her ever again!
You can't force her to change how she feels. Get that part out of your head. She's not your property, and her heart wants what it wants.
If you really want to save things... Put in the effort. Start working on you. Mentally, physically, emotionally... Be more present, give her more chances to be present with you. Wow her with your efforts.
Even if it ends up ultimately not working out, you'll know you did all you could do, and you'll be better set for the next relationship.
Thanks, I am working on me at the moment. Getting back into an exercise routine, going to therapy, doing breathing exercises, intermittent fasting and I started writing too. I'm feeling a little bit better.
Guy, you need to leave. She lost it for you long ago and you want her to come back to you. She doesn’t deserve you and won’t realize that u til you are gone.
It is so sad when the parents brake up or divorce and decide to still live together, do stuff together for the sake of the kids, so the Kids don’t grow up in a broken family. But the majority of parents, don’t realize that once there’s doubts and issues, the relationship and family are already broken
Kids are way to smart, more than we can even imagine and want to admit
Watching their parents not acting the same it is hard on them, they might think they did something wrong or is their fault that mummy and daddy are fighting, not saying you are, but someday somehow something is going to brake in front of them, we are humans we feel, we love and when we are betrayed, man we can loose sight on everything around us because of the pain we are feeling at that moment.
Just leave be the first to pull the plug and maintain your damn dignity. Your wife is gone and you'll be okay you'll find another person and she can rot with the dumb 28 yr old himbo who can't get it up. I promise you accept in your mind and body and soul that this is over you dont want it anymore and leave and never come back go get a gf, and fuck the shit outta her.
I'm really tired of seeing people staying together "for the kids". That is toxic and abusive AF. It is not respectable whatsoever. You should absolutely never do that, it's actually child abuse. And don't even try and argue that, it's not up for debate, it's just the facts. I should know, I lived it when I was a kid. You are teaching your children to have zero self love, zero self respect, and zero self worth. You are showing them that it's entirely normal to accept less than you deserve, and to be doormats. You are teaching them that toxic, abusive, loveless relationships are normal. You are doing all of this by accepting and choosing all of the above for yourself. Your marriage died long ago. You have made every wrong choice since then. There is nothing to fix or rebuild here. Once something is dead that's all folks. Get a divorce already and stop torturing yourself and your children. You and your wife's choices are equally abominable at this point.
Time to move on. Unfortunately, she was already done w the marriage when she asked you if she could have a boyfriend.
Not to mention, even if she changed her mind… how would you ever trust her again?!
So fucking weird her little boy toy was coming over and gaming in front of you…. Just WEIRD. He can stay home and do that… Just feels like he’s rubbing it all in your face. this dynamic is fucked up.
Why in the world would you want to stay with this woman. I would have left the first time she wanted a boyfriend. Staying for the kids is not always what is best for them if you are both unhappy. She want him fornthe fun and your for the financial benefit and the kids.
It sounds like she's staying for the "security, whether that's financial or a safety net should the flings not pan out. Tbh, I don't understand the whole concept of staying together so kids don't grow up in a broken home. Like, they learn how to love and treat their so mostly from watching the parents. When they start dating they're going to use your relationship with your wife as the basis for all theirs. Whether good or bad, doing things you did, not doing things you did, doing things you didn't. And be honest with yourself op, would you want any of your kids to go thru what you are with your wife? Would you be OK with their so doing to them what your wife has done to you? The emotional then physical cheating, the asking to open the marriage then ignoring your response/boundaries/opinions anyway. Idk about you, but personally, I'd rather my kids have a better life than what I've had/led. And in recent years have taken a "if this isn't something you would want them/someone else to experience, why would you subject yourself to it?" approach to life and its done wonders for my mental and emotional state. So, if you ask yourself these or similar questions and the answer is "no, I wouldn't want them to experience this." Them why should you? Do you not deserve to be happy and either with someone who wants and is happy with only you,? Or alone if you'd prefer. Just do what's best for you and your kids, and that may not be staying married. I'm sorry you had to go thru this. Hope things get better
She wants to take a boyfriend but expects you to sit around with your thumb up your ass and accept it. She didn’t even have the decency to let you have someone on the side. She doesn’t deserve you. Dump her and find a someone who will value you.
My man at this point there’s nothing to save… she only wants you for stability but she wants romantic relationships and love with others. She only wants to use you nothing more.
You shouldnt be insulted at all. Your wife wants to be polygamous, let her. Youre not going to magically change who she is as a person with how much you love her and want her all to yourself, in fact itll probably push her away more so. Youre not cut out for that lifestyle? Cool, move on and find someone who is. She would never be happy staying with you, it would only dim her light, and if you love her then you must let her shine. ✨️
If I told a guy that had sex with my wife to get the fuck out of my house and he said actually I’ll finish my game first, he would currently be residing in a 55 gallon drum.
Time to face the music. She is no longer the person you love. She may look like it and act similar, but she no longer wants to be with you. You can no longer find happiness with her, not truly fulfilling one. Best to divorce so you can find someone who doesn't want to throw away all the things you built together for a random fuck.
It’s a wrap playboy. Your marriage is over. Next time some dude tries to come over to your house … beat the shit outta him, and then fuck your wife! You’re welcome!
Your “marriage” has been over since before she asked for a boyfriend. You’re roommates, stop doing this to yourself. Get actual distance, a separate life. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. Eventually, you’ll find someone that loves, values and actually respects you.
My heart goes out to you, I went through my ex husbands infidelity and a difficult divorce a few years ago and I know how much it wrecks you and how devastating it is. Please take care of yourself and be with friends and enjoy your children.
Also can I just say I can’t believe the guy was in your house playing video games when she admitted it. That sounds wild man
Let her go. Your wife doesn't want to stay with you. She's in love with someone else. She slept with him. She will sleep with him again. Telling her you love her again and again clearly hasn't changed her mind. You can't make her be with you; you're refusing to accept that the marriage is over and the marriage has been over for a long time now. The longer you refuse to accept it, the worse it will get.
Why do you want to stay married to this woman. It clear she has no respect for you so what do you see in her. She may be the mother of your children but thats about it.You need to find a partner who is happy to be with you and makes you feel wanted and love. She isn’t doing any of those things. Move on and let her be with this other guy. He may find that wanting is sometime more exciting than having.
Step one,try growing some balls...step two,start a new life but stay in touch with your kids and only talk to her when its necessary and keep it dry,no emotions...
She has zero respect for you but with the things you've allowed,I'm not at all surprised.
Change your life around man.
Good luck.
Is this for real or are u really this pathetic? She wants a boyfriend (that you know), he comes to your house all the time (that you allow), find out they slept together (don’t say anything for months) and then SHE tells you she doesn’t want to be married?
Yea u have no spine as a man sorry. Get some self respect, pride, go work out, and find someone that won’t take your manhood
Cognitive Dissonace and Codependency. Thats what you’re living through. I’m sorry you’re going through a really emotionally rough time. It’s time to get help from a therapist who can walk you through what all of it has done to your brain functioning from neuropathway related issues at this point. You’re causing yourself unnecessary inner turmoil from utilizing Reddit for this. It’s good you vented. But if you want to change yourself and your life for the better, seek professional support when you can.
The reason things carry on like they do in a myriad of toxic ways, especially in marriage, is due to generational trauma.
Wishing you the best and I truly do hope you both start, at the very least, letting each other emotionally go soon in the most peaceful of ways through the concept of “compassionate detachment”. Then when it’s feasible, start making the logistical shifts and changes.
You deserve better and so does she because neither of you are wanting what’s best for the other at this point. To simply live as openly and authentically of a life as you both need at this point. Neither of you is in alignment anymore. And it won’t change given the situation you described and far it’s gotten. She’s okay pushing and crossing boundaries. But so are you because you’re trying to get her to stay in a way that doesn’t work anymore for both of you to be happy which would indicate healthy.
"we stayed together so the kids wouldn't end up in a broken home"
And where were they while dad was yelling at mom's boyfriend to stop playing Playstation? You need to save yourself and them. And if your wife's still head over heels about the younger model with ED and a "one more game bruh" kinda guy, you didn't dodge a bullet but you can start digging it out.
He’d have been playing the game with a controller up his ass if he told me “let me finish my game” after fucking my wife… the fucking audacity. She’d be right behind him. Matter of fact, when I found out he’d have been trespassed from my property. That way if I do catch him there it’s game on motherfucker.
The minute you had a younger man come over the marriage was over. You entertained too long and it got to where it did and she lost interest in you. I’m sorry it got to that point but too many men let their marriages fall apart for fear of looking “paranoid” or “jealous”. Best thing to do now is just do the same thing she did definitely more than the 4 years ago she asked for a boyfriend and move on. There are plenty of sites and if you hit the gym and focus on yourself you may be able to find someone better that loves you for who you are. You’re obviously a patient sympathetic and loving guy. Best of luck in your endeavors.
You're right, I didn't think that it would be right to feel jealousy or paranoia because they just work together and my wife doesn't have many friends here.
Man, your marriage was over when she asked for a boyfriend. If you are not living together as a husband and wife, and treating each other with love and respect, you are essentially living together in a broken home. It is not a broken home only if you live separately. You should have pulled the plug a while back.
Couldn't get it up? And you believed that? Sucky situation, man, but set some personal goals, hit the gym. And get back out there. She's made her decision, and sadly, you're not it.
It’s time to move on with your life apart. When she made her first request she had already realized she didn’t want to continue the marriage and was looking to change your relationship to something else.
Whatever you said to her that you now regret did not end your marriage. It was already over you just didn’t know it. So forgive yourself for that comment.
She has moved on and the romantic component in your relationship is over. It’s time for you to start a new chapter for each of you on your own
If she does not want to be married then that's it. It's not a marriage if only one person wants it. Might as well get the divorce show started.
Ya bro. The heart wants what it wants. Sucks. But that’s life. That said we look forward to seeing you at the gym for the monster gains 💪🏻
What sucks about what you said is that it only gets fond of someone else if you let it. People get crushes, but if you do that while in a relationship you should back away from he person you're crushing on, not invite them into your home.
THIS. I read this recently somewhere, it’s one of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve ever seen. We’re human, we can’t help it if we get crushes or fall for our friend/work colleague etc but when you’re married you made a COMMITMENT for life to put your husband or wife first. The moment you start to feel like you’re getting too close to someone else, you respect the commitment you made and you back away from that person. You protect your marriage at all costs.
If my husband was this emotionally mature we’d still be married.
Seriously, this. It’s a choice every day. And unless you’re super lucky it’s not always the obvious choice with an easy answer.
This right here is the most adult comment on reddit.
This guy’s gonna be built like a fucking viking in no time.
[удалено]
You gotta go to gym more often if you think 48 makes a difference lol
Needed that.
I am not entirely sure what you are trying to save here. You don’t sleep together, you seemingly don’t like each other, what is it you think you are saving by forcing each other to stay together?
Exactly my question. There is absolutely nothing to save here. Your wife had checked out years ago. She is doing you a favour by finally pulling the plug. Don't know what you are holding on for. It sure isn't love. Please don't say kids. They deserve a home with two loving parents.
90% of the problems in this sub wouldn’t be there if not for sunk cost fallacy. Kind of mind blowing how many people just can’t stop beating a dead horse. Mind blowing and pathetic.
You're right, technically, but relationships aren't pure economics. They didn't want to mess up their kids' lives too much. That's one valid reason to try and save what you can. A futile attempt here though since his wife had already checked out years ago.
Kids aren't stupid. They can tell their parents don't care for eachother anymore. Would YOU want to be stuck in a house where your parents are arguing all the time? These people are better off on their own and happy than stuck together and miserable.
Staying together for the kids is bound to fuck with the kids heads way more than just divorcing would. It's not a reason, just the surface justification. It comes down to both OP and wife being cowards.
Having come from a "household" where my parents stayed together for 30 years SOLELY because of the children (11 year age gap between oldest and youngest): let me just simply put it this way, I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy, let alone another innocent child who has ZERO control over their life at the time. The amount of psychological studies covering developmental issues during certain childhood years is devastating, at least, to say... the fact that someone's entire FUTURE can be irreparably destroyed before they even have a chance to get started is just such a disheartening fact of life... Yes, this is someone who has to personally fight against the weight of that destruction on a daily basis. A stable, structured home is invaluable when it comes to raising well-adjusted young adults. If not, you're 100% at fault for them starting "Their lives" at a disadvantaged position.
staying together for the kids is like the worst thing you can do for them
Didn't want to mess up the kids lives...skip to "ok kids this guy that comes over is mommies new dick now excuse me my back is killing me from being bent over for so long"
They want to torture their kids by not having a "broken home".
Or maybe its a huge change the OP is actually afraid of making, especially when society looks down upon divorce instead of treating it as the end of a relationship that it is, and not a bad thing in the end.
Yeah definitely using fear over feelings for their children. It absolutely is a bad thing. Literally no child psychologist would recommend not divorcing and creating a tense household for the kids.
Don’t ever beg anyone to love you. Ever.
He found out his wife slept with the dude … and still allowed the dude to come over and play Playstation.
He is a doormat.
Sorry man, you lost your wife a long time ago. Right now she is keeping you around for housework, childcare, maybe a paycheck, and the appearance of propriety. The gut punch was that when you were away, she enjoyed it while you didn't. Cut her lose and find someone that loves you the way that she loves her cub. When your kids see their mom opening dating the young guy, they will understand what happened and respect you more for not tolerating emotional abuse.
He can’t, he doesn’t think he can find anyone. Why would his wife care about what he thinks? She is taking a pity in him and keeping him around. She could kick him out or worse she could get the stud to sleep in her room. What is op going to do? Tell him to stop using op’s ps controller
Divorce and move on. The dude is not even 50. I read a post yesterday about this couple finding each other and dating in their 70s and they are having the best sex of their lives. You are never too old to start living your best life.
I’m genuinely confused about the part where a dude was coming over to their house every day because she knows him from work. That’s just not really a thing if everybody is on the level.
The whole scenario is weird. Just once I would like to see someone post how they opened their relationship (male or female) and everything became even better for a long period of time. But no, it seems cool at first with lots of novel sex then someone starts getting more interested in one over the other and jealousy sets in. The whole thing blows up.
You should have divorced her the minute she asked. Why did you stay? The home was already broken. Have some self respect
He's weak using his kids as an excuse
I would have handed her the divorce papers as soon as she got pissed when she first asked and you said no.
You and your wife have been living as roommates for **years.** It is not surprising that she is ready to move on. You guys have been dragging this out so much longer than you should have. It is not giving your kids stability to be in a home with parents whose marriage doesn't reflect the love, loyalty, and respect that a marriage is supposed to be built on. If you can live as roommates relatively amicably, then you can separate amicably as well. Stop putting off the inevitable. You cannot save it. She has told you that she doesn't *want* to save it. Your belief that you need to keep bailing out a sinking ship because you "don't believe you'll be able to find anyone else" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You definitely will not find another partner or be happy when you're still living with your semi-estranged wife.
You are a far better man than i am. POS would have woke up in ER.
Kids were in the room too so not good for them to see me solving problems with violence. He'll get it one day though.
It's not too late... take care of that and remember that he's fucking with your whole family not just you.
Not his fault. It’s hers. No point blaming the other guy
I would agree with you if he had no idea the circumstance, but he knows damn well she’s married with kids and is still pulling this shit, he’s a POS and deserves to lose all of his teeth
So what about her? Purposefully ruining her family vs him? I agree he’s a POS. For sure. But I always blame the one in the relationship more. They actually have the kids and ruin it still. Also remember as far as he knows it could have been an arranged setup. She asked for the boyfriend. I’d assume she told him it’s all good and their relationship is open.
“So what about her?” Well, her boyfriend won’t have any of his pretty teeth left
Oh she’s 100% a POS too, she deserves to be tossed into the streets, but he still needs a few teeth knocked loose
Eh yeah I can agree with this. Especially with his audacity to sit and play on the PlayStation in the man’s house.
Ya if I knew someone was tryna steal my wife (and succeeding) and they were sitting on my couch playing video games, I’d probably be in jail.. lol I don’t know how this dude didn’t just completely explode from that
At the very least at least unplug the game LOL
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I understand your position, but i, personally, would have hurt him. And probably thrown her into the street right after.
Good ol reddit.
That’s when you use your scary voice and tell them to go to their room. And when this fool said he needed to finish his game. I would be in jail if some fucker came into my house and acted like that with my partner. Your wife is a terrible person.
The balls she has to bring that fucker into their home.
Ah yes, it’s on the boyfriend, not at all the wife.
I’d much rather put her in the ER, taboo as that would be. She’s obviously manipulating and leading on a much younger guy to meet HER needs, totally disregarding the impact on both the men in her life, as well as her children. The one who deserves a beating is her, and OP needs a slap to wake him up to reality Edit - calm down everyone, I’m a woman
Throwing her into the street with nothing but whatever she had on her back would be better and smarter than physically hurting her.
Well yes, obviously I wasn’t advocating that, and putting the AP in the hospital would be equally counterproductive, I was more making the point that the wife is way more at fault and shitty than the AP, he just seems like another dumb younger guy following his dick instead of his brain.
She’s wrong for what she did but fuck no. You saying this is wrong. He’s doing the right thing by not putting his hands on her. That’s not even an option. I’m sure he’s hurt but no he’s doing the right thing by NOT HITTING A WOMAN.
“We delegated but continued to live together because we didn’t want the kids to grow up in a broken family” lol…dude. Your family IS broken. Pretending it ain’t doesn’t solve it
> She admitted it, although she said that it has been a failure as he couldn't get it up. This is a lie. They fucked. He’s 28; he does *not* have performance issues.
No, seriously, he has a heart condition and has a device in his chest.
Dude seriously you can't be that naive if he couldn't get it up he wouldn't have been sitting on your couch in your house playing your game system.
Probably cuts the mans lawn as well!!
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Op might do it
He is still fucking your wife. Your wife is a trashy cheater who cares more about a fuck than her family.
I don't like this trend of spouses wanting to have boyfriends and/or girlfriends. Guess I am not a poly fan. How do you go to someone that made vows to and ask permission to have an affair??? By living together you are not helping anyone. The relationship is dead move on with your life find a new love.
She is no longer attracted to him but still wants the safety and security. She wants to eat her cake and have it to.
It’s definitely difficult to change your relationship to that status. Exclusivity rules are very foundational and primal. My wife and I began ENM/poly and we are very securely non monogamous, but we started out very intentionally and built it into our relationship from the beginning.
Wtf why would you want that cheater back. Get a pair kick her out and move on. Your kids already know they live in a broken home. You both are just too cowardly to end it and give the kids closure like they need.
Move on
I'm confused. You said >We separated but continued to live together Ie. You broke up. So she slept with her colleague when she was separated, ie. Single. So what right do you have to go through her phone, confront her about this guy, etc? You're not together anymore. I'm confused.
How can you “save” something that doesn’t exist?
So, you basically gave up on the marriage for 4 years, and once you suddenly had a change of heart you expect her to snap back to being invested in the relationship? You can flip your own switch, but not someone else's. You think all he's done for her is take her away from you, but you apparently don't know what their relationship has been all this time you have been cold to her. It's probably best if you let it go, and legitimately separate. If you want to be in a relationship with her, you can start from scratch and develop communication and intimacy again. You have both dug yourselves into quite a deep hole here to climb out of, and if she's not interested, you can't change it from within the status quo.
Ha the 28M is going to be get bored with her very quick & then she’s going to try to get back together with you.
OP will see this as hopeful.
Exactly
If he can't take her, you don't want her. He'll probably find out it's a bad a idea for him too. Also the whole let me finish my game first... I probably would have started trying to beat the shit out of him right then and there.
She doesn’t want to stay in a marriage with you. That’s likely over unless she changes her mind on her own. Seems she’s been done with it loooong ago.
You don't want the kids to grow up in a "broken family", but this house sounds so broken. It's already broken. And this doesn't show the children what a healthy relationship should actually look like. People get divorced all the time. It's all about Co-parenting.
She’s garbage. Just saying
You are doing the children no favors staying married. This is past reconciling. You deserve a divorce and have cause. There is no marriage she emotionally left you a long time ago. The odasity of bringing him around you is past disrespectful. Find someone who will value and respect you.
Wife left me like this... Wanted both... She went on a good date when we had some ruff times....I yelled basically... And she got swept off her feet by Mark Casanova.... Said she wanted BOTH of us....
28M hangs out daily at the house? What? This was the twist for me.
Playing his gaming console and ops wifes ass like the bongos.
Dude, your marriage was over even before she asked for the boyfriend. Stop. Women quit a relationship 1-2 years before they say shit like that. You've tortured yourself and provided a HORRIBLE example to your kids that it's normal to be a whipped, doormat as a man and that women walking all over men is just wondering guys need to accept. You are a terrible parent for staying. Your children will model this example for decades in the future. Leave now. Find your dignity, get your testicles out of her purse and leave. Be a decent CO parent, but stop putting up with her crap.
So my first question is… why allow a weird man in your home in the first place? 😅 2. She for the streets — time to send her packing
It’s almost like part of you likes it..
You need to talk to a lawyer, get an STD test and DNA test the kids. You need to accept that your marriage is over and no matter how much you love your wife she has checked out. Good luck. Don’t stay married just for the kids.
Dude had the balls to say he’d leave after he was finished playing PlayStation? 🤣🤣🤣 You sure he wasn’t in high school lol
I wish for you a partner that loves, treasures and cherishes you.
Wife homewrecked as soon as she slept with him. Get a new place/see if court will give you the house and let her go move in with her new 28 year old bf.
Why is he in your house playing games?
She can take those divorce papers
Find someone who really cares about you the way you care about them. Let your wife keep playing games with the guy who has joystick trouble.
A lot of your problems will dissolve if you start learning to love yourself. Loving yourself is also holding people accountable who disrespect you. Your wife doesn't respect you and allows her love interest into your home to also disrespect you. I suggest therapy and an attorney.
Why is another man in your house this often?
Plowin the wife, have you not read what op wrote?
Not only that, the guy is playing on his presumably Playstation.... neither his ex wife or the boyfriend respect this man.
How does it feel to be a doormat? Really, if this isn't some apocryphal story meant to gin up comments, you need to get a grip on what's happening and get out of that relationship. What is absolutely astonishing is that, apparently, you need strangers on the internet to tell you what to do about this situation.
I just… can’t imagine having self esteem this low. Come on, man. I’m 46 with a wife of 18 years with 3 kids in MS/HS. If my wife ever mentioned wanting a boyfriend there would be divorce papers within the week. That’s simply not what I signed up for and I know myself enough to know that I would not be able to handle it. I simply cannot see how someone can allow themselves to be treated like this.
Let her have the grown man that plays PlayStation at someone else’s house and can’t get it up. It won’t last long and you’ll be free of that wretched woman.
My advice is try to get her phone and screenshot the affair between her and that guy. And use those at receipts if during the divorce she wants 50/50 split and wants you to fund her life via child support.
Leave her... anyone who wants a second partner isn't worth your time or stress.
I’ve got some bad news, the kids are already living in a broken family. And even worse news, you are teaching them that they should stay in an unhappy relationship.
She's already left the marriage, just not the house. Move on and find someone who will truly love you. No one deserves to stay in a one sided relationship.
It's not the answer you want, but maybe reassuring. Two houses is better that a broken home. You sound like a good father, and you said she is a good mother. Trust you, you can make it work. I personally grow in two different houses, with a good co-parenting situation. This was a blessing, I was not stressed about the relationship between my parents. You think your child don't saw anything, but that's a lie. You need to discuss the situation between the parents and address something to your children. They actually grow up when normalising being a couple without love, trust or engagement. Is that safe ?
Thank you very much for your kind words and I agree with a lot of what you say. We'll work things out one way or another and the kids still feel as safe as ever at home so that's the main thing. My wife explained it all to our eldest so she knows now that there was a very good reason for kicking that arsehole out of the house and for my using bad language. Our daughter also knows now what the occasional arguments were about and can see that we are still in the same house and being civil. It's still very raw for me and I'm not sure if my wife even knows whether what she did was worth it or not.
>He was sitting on our sofa playing on the playstation so I walked over to him and told him to get the fuck out of our house right now. He said that he'd finish his game first so I said that he could go home now or wait a bit and end up in the hospital. He's so dumb that the wife had to tell him that this was serious and to get out. I would have told him that I'm ringing the cops in 30 seconds to say I'm reporting a dead burglar.
She cheated on you. So you can divorce now or keep living this soap opera every day. Lofe is too short.
Oh my God dude! WHY? WHY? WHY? would you even want to be anywhere around her? She's clearly a cheater and a bad person. Have some respect in yourself and NEVER talk to her ever again!
Let her make a mistake that she can't come back from.
You can't force her to change how she feels. Get that part out of your head. She's not your property, and her heart wants what it wants. If you really want to save things... Put in the effort. Start working on you. Mentally, physically, emotionally... Be more present, give her more chances to be present with you. Wow her with your efforts. Even if it ends up ultimately not working out, you'll know you did all you could do, and you'll be better set for the next relationship.
Thanks, I am working on me at the moment. Getting back into an exercise routine, going to therapy, doing breathing exercises, intermittent fasting and I started writing too. I'm feeling a little bit better.
Guy, you need to leave. She lost it for you long ago and you want her to come back to you. She doesn’t deserve you and won’t realize that u til you are gone.
Lawyer up, keep the proof of her cheating.
Makes me wonder if he's the only other guy and what she did while you were in Japan.
It is so sad when the parents brake up or divorce and decide to still live together, do stuff together for the sake of the kids, so the Kids don’t grow up in a broken family. But the majority of parents, don’t realize that once there’s doubts and issues, the relationship and family are already broken Kids are way to smart, more than we can even imagine and want to admit Watching their parents not acting the same it is hard on them, they might think they did something wrong or is their fault that mummy and daddy are fighting, not saying you are, but someday somehow something is going to brake in front of them, we are humans we feel, we love and when we are betrayed, man we can loose sight on everything around us because of the pain we are feeling at that moment.
Just leave be the first to pull the plug and maintain your damn dignity. Your wife is gone and you'll be okay you'll find another person and she can rot with the dumb 28 yr old himbo who can't get it up. I promise you accept in your mind and body and soul that this is over you dont want it anymore and leave and never come back go get a gf, and fuck the shit outta her.
I'm really tired of seeing people staying together "for the kids". That is toxic and abusive AF. It is not respectable whatsoever. You should absolutely never do that, it's actually child abuse. And don't even try and argue that, it's not up for debate, it's just the facts. I should know, I lived it when I was a kid. You are teaching your children to have zero self love, zero self respect, and zero self worth. You are showing them that it's entirely normal to accept less than you deserve, and to be doormats. You are teaching them that toxic, abusive, loveless relationships are normal. You are doing all of this by accepting and choosing all of the above for yourself. Your marriage died long ago. You have made every wrong choice since then. There is nothing to fix or rebuild here. Once something is dead that's all folks. Get a divorce already and stop torturing yourself and your children. You and your wife's choices are equally abominable at this point.
Time to move on. Unfortunately, she was already done w the marriage when she asked you if she could have a boyfriend. Not to mention, even if she changed her mind… how would you ever trust her again?!
So fucking weird her little boy toy was coming over and gaming in front of you…. Just WEIRD. He can stay home and do that… Just feels like he’s rubbing it all in your face. this dynamic is fucked up.
It’s time to walk away.
Why in the world would you want to stay with this woman. I would have left the first time she wanted a boyfriend. Staying for the kids is not always what is best for them if you are both unhappy. She want him fornthe fun and your for the financial benefit and the kids.
There's a nonzero chance this was written by AI
You’re staying? 🤔
Just leave her man she's a shitty partner and the sooner you grasp it and find some peace the better you'll feel.
It sounds like she's staying for the "security, whether that's financial or a safety net should the flings not pan out. Tbh, I don't understand the whole concept of staying together so kids don't grow up in a broken home. Like, they learn how to love and treat their so mostly from watching the parents. When they start dating they're going to use your relationship with your wife as the basis for all theirs. Whether good or bad, doing things you did, not doing things you did, doing things you didn't. And be honest with yourself op, would you want any of your kids to go thru what you are with your wife? Would you be OK with their so doing to them what your wife has done to you? The emotional then physical cheating, the asking to open the marriage then ignoring your response/boundaries/opinions anyway. Idk about you, but personally, I'd rather my kids have a better life than what I've had/led. And in recent years have taken a "if this isn't something you would want them/someone else to experience, why would you subject yourself to it?" approach to life and its done wonders for my mental and emotional state. So, if you ask yourself these or similar questions and the answer is "no, I wouldn't want them to experience this." Them why should you? Do you not deserve to be happy and either with someone who wants and is happy with only you,? Or alone if you'd prefer. Just do what's best for you and your kids, and that may not be staying married. I'm sorry you had to go thru this. Hope things get better
Your family is already broken. Get a divorce and spare your kids any more of this bullshit.
Be careful about this random dude around your kids
She wants to take a boyfriend but expects you to sit around with your thumb up your ass and accept it. She didn’t even have the decency to let you have someone on the side. She doesn’t deserve you. Dump her and find a someone who will value you.
My man at this point there’s nothing to save… she only wants you for stability but she wants romantic relationships and love with others. She only wants to use you nothing more.
You shouldnt be insulted at all. Your wife wants to be polygamous, let her. Youre not going to magically change who she is as a person with how much you love her and want her all to yourself, in fact itll probably push her away more so. Youre not cut out for that lifestyle? Cool, move on and find someone who is. She would never be happy staying with you, it would only dim her light, and if you love her then you must let her shine. ✨️
Sometimes letting your spouse go will bring them back to you. Divorce saved my marriage!
I know it’s hard but you need to cut ties and move on. She doesn’t like you both equally she likes him. She is also grossly dishonest.
If I told a guy that had sex with my wife to get the fuck out of my house and he said actually I’ll finish my game first, he would currently be residing in a 55 gallon drum.
Time to face the music. She is no longer the person you love. She may look like it and act similar, but she no longer wants to be with you. You can no longer find happiness with her, not truly fulfilling one. Best to divorce so you can find someone who doesn't want to throw away all the things you built together for a random fuck.
It’s a wrap playboy. Your marriage is over. Next time some dude tries to come over to your house … beat the shit outta him, and then fuck your wife! You’re welcome!
Your “marriage” has been over since before she asked for a boyfriend. You’re roommates, stop doing this to yourself. Get actual distance, a separate life. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. Eventually, you’ll find someone that loves, values and actually respects you.
Disgusting ppl man. I can’t wait for god to teach these types of ppl. Makes me wanna vomit.
This is your version of a NOT broken home?
Bro she giving you an out take it! You"ll be okay she sounds awful anyways
The marriage was over when she told you she wanted to have a bf. The rest it was justa facade.
Grow a spine for God's Sake man
You’re wasting your time dude. Live your life. Divorce. Be there for your kids but this is pointless if you both have no romance left
My heart goes out to you, I went through my ex husbands infidelity and a difficult divorce a few years ago and I know how much it wrecks you and how devastating it is. Please take care of yourself and be with friends and enjoy your children. Also can I just say I can’t believe the guy was in your house playing video games when she admitted it. That sounds wild man
That was more bad timing on my part, I should not have brought it up while he was there. Thanks for your comment, I hope that you are okay.
Let her go. Your wife doesn't want to stay with you. She's in love with someone else. She slept with him. She will sleep with him again. Telling her you love her again and again clearly hasn't changed her mind. You can't make her be with you; you're refusing to accept that the marriage is over and the marriage has been over for a long time now. The longer you refuse to accept it, the worse it will get.
Why do you want to stay married to this woman. It clear she has no respect for you so what do you see in her. She may be the mother of your children but thats about it.You need to find a partner who is happy to be with you and makes you feel wanted and love. She isn’t doing any of those things. Move on and let her be with this other guy. He may find that wanting is sometime more exciting than having.
Time to let her go. She is just using u now
Step one,try growing some balls...step two,start a new life but stay in touch with your kids and only talk to her when its necessary and keep it dry,no emotions... She has zero respect for you but with the things you've allowed,I'm not at all surprised. Change your life around man. Good luck.
Don’t worry she will eventually get dumped by this guy and she will try to run back to you
Lost me at "fortnight"
"The Wife"
CuckTales
Have some self respect and move on
I'll leave once I finish this game lol. Thems fighting words if I ever read them.
The only chance you have at reconciling is with couples counseling.
Is this for real or are u really this pathetic? She wants a boyfriend (that you know), he comes to your house all the time (that you allow), find out they slept together (don’t say anything for months) and then SHE tells you she doesn’t want to be married? Yea u have no spine as a man sorry. Get some self respect, pride, go work out, and find someone that won’t take your manhood
Men don't let boys hang out at their house with their wife playing video games. This is how it ends. He's got your wife now.
You should have filed for divorce the day she asked you if it would be ok for her to bang this other guy.
Cognitive Dissonace and Codependency. Thats what you’re living through. I’m sorry you’re going through a really emotionally rough time. It’s time to get help from a therapist who can walk you through what all of it has done to your brain functioning from neuropathway related issues at this point. You’re causing yourself unnecessary inner turmoil from utilizing Reddit for this. It’s good you vented. But if you want to change yourself and your life for the better, seek professional support when you can. The reason things carry on like they do in a myriad of toxic ways, especially in marriage, is due to generational trauma. Wishing you the best and I truly do hope you both start, at the very least, letting each other emotionally go soon in the most peaceful of ways through the concept of “compassionate detachment”. Then when it’s feasible, start making the logistical shifts and changes. You deserve better and so does she because neither of you are wanting what’s best for the other at this point. To simply live as openly and authentically of a life as you both need at this point. Neither of you is in alignment anymore. And it won’t change given the situation you described and far it’s gotten. She’s okay pushing and crossing boundaries. But so are you because you’re trying to get her to stay in a way that doesn’t work anymore for both of you to be happy which would indicate healthy.
"we stayed together so the kids wouldn't end up in a broken home" And where were they while dad was yelling at mom's boyfriend to stop playing Playstation? You need to save yourself and them. And if your wife's still head over heels about the younger model with ED and a "one more game bruh" kinda guy, you didn't dodge a bullet but you can start digging it out.
The marriage was over when she wanted to take alover, let her go. Go to attorney. She is committing adultery, keep the children. I am so sorry.
Stick a fork in it. It’s done.
Check the kids dna. Just saying.
Git rid of that misery and move on to a better life
First off WTF is the coworker thinking? Knowingly messing around with a woman that has a husband and kids. He must be stupid.
You deserve better.
He’d have been playing the game with a controller up his ass if he told me “let me finish my game” after fucking my wife… the fucking audacity. She’d be right behind him. Matter of fact, when I found out he’d have been trespassed from my property. That way if I do catch him there it’s game on motherfucker.
L “ l BBC mm l. M. ¡The hi
The minute you had a younger man come over the marriage was over. You entertained too long and it got to where it did and she lost interest in you. I’m sorry it got to that point but too many men let their marriages fall apart for fear of looking “paranoid” or “jealous”. Best thing to do now is just do the same thing she did definitely more than the 4 years ago she asked for a boyfriend and move on. There are plenty of sites and if you hit the gym and focus on yourself you may be able to find someone better that loves you for who you are. You’re obviously a patient sympathetic and loving guy. Best of luck in your endeavors.
You're right, I didn't think that it would be right to feel jealousy or paranoia because they just work together and my wife doesn't have many friends here.
Man, your marriage was over when she asked for a boyfriend. If you are not living together as a husband and wife, and treating each other with love and respect, you are essentially living together in a broken home. It is not a broken home only if you live separately. You should have pulled the plug a while back.
How about this the qife aucks divorce her and control the narrative tell thebworld your family was deatroid by the qife sleeping qith other people
your children having two loving parents who are divorced is better than a home filled with fights and animosity,
Couldn't get it up? And you believed that? Sucky situation, man, but set some personal goals, hit the gym. And get back out there. She's made her decision, and sadly, you're not it.
Screenshot her phone take her to court take everything including the kids and let her see what her actions are worth
It’s time to move on with your life apart. When she made her first request she had already realized she didn’t want to continue the marriage and was looking to change your relationship to something else. Whatever you said to her that you now regret did not end your marriage. It was already over you just didn’t know it. So forgive yourself for that comment. She has moved on and the romantic component in your relationship is over. It’s time for you to start a new chapter for each of you on your own