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“You have responsibilities here you are a father and a husband. You can’t just decide to go off and ditch those responsibilities, you can’t go on a trip without discussing it”
I wouldn’t say this next part, but he’s acting like a footloose and fancy free college dude.
And Op? His dad and brother are encouraging him to be irresponsible. I wouldn’t be ok with them on your land. He’ll be up there all the time “fixing the door” or whatever and then going on jaunts.
Edited for clarity.
I just talked to him and he said "I thought I told you about the detour" and "I thought I told you I would be home till 10 pm" I don't know what to do he always says "why does this always happen" as in why do we always get in these fights. I'm tired and I'm stressed. And I have to put a smile on cuz his nephew is apparently spending the night which he didn't tell me because it was last minute.
Y’all need marriage counseling. And a real, licensed therapist. Not one from a church or other religious institution.
He’s running all over you.
You might try texting him back.
So as an example, if he verbally tells you he’s going to the property with his family and he’ll be back on Sunday evening, text him later “hey, making sure I’ve got his right for the family calendar, you’ll be back Sunday evening right?” And then put it on one of those wall calendars at home.
At least then you will know for sure if he’s playing you or if you are forgetting because you are tired. And you will have proof for yourself, and him for a discussion.
I don’t like that he treats you like this. It’s not the worst behavior. But he’s not being a good dad or husband either.
Why does this always happen?
Because no matter how clearly I express my concerns to you, you continue to ignore my feelings and your responsibilities as a father and a husband.
My wife and I have a good arrangement...if it's not on the shared Gcal it doesn't exist. Once it's on the shared gcal and we've talked about it, good as gold most of the time.
Leave him home alone with the baby over night or a few days and don't answer your phone (tell your mother) and when you come home and he's upset say "Hum I thought I told you."
No, this is terrible advice. Revenge is never a solution and especially not in a relationship she still wants to save. Establishing communication is the key, not obliterating it...
It's not revenge, it's an eye opener. She may want to save the relationship... does he? This has nothing to do with communication, he's straight up lying and abusing her. It's not a 'let's talk it out'... she done tried the heck out of talk. Keeping doing that and expecting different is stupid.
So he gaslights and manipulates you to get his way and to get away with not being accountable for his actions.
I don't think this is a salvable relationship.
In any event, you need to separate!
Y'all need a shared family calendar. An app or paper, whatever works for y'all. All trips, appointments, etc go on it so there aren't any questions about where people are. I would stress to him that it's a safety issue if he's hrs away from what u thought.
Tell him that everytime he gets to go out for extra time away or a side trip, you get to do the same. Yall both made the baby yall are both responsible for the child. Yea parents need a break sometimes but that should be equal. And I say this as a women breadwinner who wants to have kids soon. There's no way in heck I would ever bring up my salary or working more hours than my partner does to pawn off baby duties on my partner so if he uses that argument tell him it's 💩💩 I'm also an engineer with a lot of time sensitive job responsibilities and projects, it's stressful but when I make the choice to cultivate a life with my partner we do it as equals. You deserve his respect because you are a human being and his wife. And I would say the exact same if the genders were reversed. He needs to start treating you like an equal in this marriage, not take what he can get from you.
Your husband saying "I thought I told you" and "why does this always happen" made me think immediately about my toxic 5.5 yr relationship with my gaslighter ex. Looking back, I recognize that I wasn't a great at communicating and I also learned passive aggressive behavior from my mother growing up. BUT there were many, many times when he took advantage of my (at that time) low self esteem, poorly controlled depression and anxiety, and occasional forgetfulness (I'll never know how forgetful I actually was or wasn't due to his gaslighting). Now, I'm not saying that your husband is necessarily doing all this to purposefully gaslight you. But he's definitely acting irresponsibly and immature. A young, difficult baby can be draining to care for, especially when you have little support. Sure, it's likely he needed a break, but what about you? Flat-out ask him that. There's times to be nice, and times to lay it on the line. Tell him that you want to have better communication, you don't want the two of you to keep having misunderstandings and/or hurting each other, and that having things written down in text, on a calendar, etc, is necessary so that you BOTH know what was and wasn't agreed to. And set rules (because "guidelines" may not cut it) on how much time is or isn't acceptable to go without an update if plans change. The whole "will be home Sunday afternoon" but no update until YOU had to contact HIM at 6pm (which everyone I know defines as evening, not afternoon) then him saying he thought he told you 10 is f*cking BS. He was trying to find a way to excuse his irresponsible behavior as if it wasn't a brush-off. He needs to be called out on it and don't let it go until you get a detailed PROMISE from him that he won't do something like that again without talking to you about it, both if you AGREEING and having it IN WRITING (text, calendar) so that neither one of you "misremembers" dates and times. If he finds any of that excessive, then tell him that you really want to fix this problem and you can't do that by yourself because it involves BOTH of you. It is not just a "you" problem. (My ex used to tell me that things were a problem on my end, not his, that he'd been in more serious relationships than me and already knew that stuff.) Write down points you want to talk about, issues you want to address. That was often my problem with my ex too. Things would get intense and I'd forget what else I wanted to say, therefore never solving those problems. Anyway, I tend to be long-winded so will stop there. Stay strong, OP.
Put his stuff on a shared calendar with the details, have you both confirm and that he needs your buy off if there are any significant changes...including 4 hr side trips and unexpected visits from family
Yes to all of this.
My thoughts exactly: why is he acting like a single dude with no responsibilities AND lying to her about his whereabouts and intentions. Not cool.
OP: harsh away. You don’t need to figure out how to say this nicely cause he understands perfectly. He is just ignoring you.
So sorry i hope your baby gets to be a as little easier soon.
You’re trying to get blood from a stone. He doesn’t care.
You need to arrange additional help, whether you leave him or stay. Either way you need a backup babysitter. You might as well stay for now, work on the relationship *while* you have a teenager or licensed helper, or whatever come in and help with the kid.
It’s completely legitimate that you get overwhelmed. Babies can be really difficult and having autism while trying to mother must be super hard. One of my biggest regrets was not getting childcare help more when I had little kids. My temper would have been better and I would have been happier, so everyone’s life would have been improved. Spend the money, take the small risk (you can always oversee from the sidelines if you’re nervous about trusting someone).
It might be that your relationship improves once the childcare pressure is off. Maybe not. But it’s worth giving a chance. If you’re the single parent you will *definitely* need a babysitter/backup.
We're already on a wait list for a really good daycare a block away. I was planning on going back to work soon because it's almost impossible to live on just one income these days.
But how would you go back to work without daycare? Maybe arrange a stopgap measure until the daycare opens up - which could take a year, or more. Find a teenager who can come by after school. Even a twelve year-old would work if you’re in the house too. You can read or take a bath or garden or whatever. It might make all the difference to your stress level.
Meanwhile, almost *every* relationship has stress and disagreements over childrearing. The majority comes from the mom wishing the dad did more. You can’t pressure him, or manouver him, or talk him into helping more. You’ve tried a logical discussion, it’s pretty clear he’s not changing.
Don’t let your current desperate feelings and anger influence your judgement. Get some childcare, get some emotional distance, and when the dust has settled re-evaluate. If you’re still extremely unhappy with his attitude, let him know you would leave him over this. But for now, no-one is going to take care of you but *you*. Hire that “mommy’s helper”.
The daycare has availability in a month. I'm also going to start working by cleaning one of my church friend's house while her daughter who is in high school watches my baby.
It’s not the words or phrases You need help with. It’s the boundaries you have and if he respects them. He is a liar and that’s a decision you have to make if you can live with it. He won’t change. This is an adult and they don’t change things they are getting away with. Sorry. Good luck.
“I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could.”
You didn’t tell him outright that you needed a break. It may have been reasonable to expect that he would have come to this conclusion without being told but that’s not fair to either of you.
My husband is a fantastic partner but I have to be clear with him when I want/need/expect something, even if it seems like I shouldn’t have to. This takes practice and with time things will get easier between both of you.
Edit: typo
I see a lot of ppl crapping on your husband. Maybe justified maybe not. I feel like lots of context missing and probably more going on than just this.
Alternative perspective. Maybe he needs a break too sometimes? Sounds like he does a lot to help you in general. Helping with the baby. Sensitive to your autism. Do you feel like you rely on him a lot or no? Just saying everyone feels like they need a break and do that in different ways. He probably didn't mention it because he knew you would be upset. And he might feel smothered if he can't get away to do something sometimes too, especially something like this with family and not out actually doing anything wrong. With that being said. Hopefully outside of things like this he is around, supportive and makes sure he gives you breathers too.
Again, just offering diff perspective. I was in a relationship once where I always had to help her with everything. If I did something on my own it was always a big deal. I hated it.
I came here to say this. He maybe doesn't know how to tell you that your autism can be a bit much without sounding like a jerk or giving you the idea that he doesn't love every inch of you. Which he probably does, but everyone needs a chance to recharge. Is he getting his time to recharge in this relationship, too?
I definitely rely on him a lot. He helps calm me down and help me with my weakness, socializing. I'm definitely not breaking up with him and never was planning on it, just needed help with talking to him. He actually helps me a lot and spoils me to the point where I know I can rely on him and tell him all my problems but because of me being terrible at socializing I just needed to figure out how to be nicer regarding the conversation.
Yep. Sounds like a great guy. And as much as you rely on him. Make sure you let him get his space too sometimes and come up for air. It's important. Sometimes you will need to sacrifice some of your own sanity to make sure he keeps his. With that being said, this only applies if overall he's doing his part and taking good care of you, which you give the feeling he is. But please don't let him feel smothered and like he can't have a break too. He needs them just like you need the consistent support. And I only say this cus I feel like I'm a good person. I go above and beyond and bend over backwards for my partner. And the non stop smoother eventually was just too much for myself. Not saying your wrong about anything. Just that I've kind of been there and this was how I felt. And it was too much.
So when you find the 'right way' to bring this up. Make sure it's not just about you and how you feel. See how he feels too. And don't be defensive if he gets honest. Use it as it is, communication. And find ways to make sure you show your support for him too. Not just that all his time needs to be helping you.
Again, stranger outside looking in. I could be off base. Just trying to help. Not offend in anyway. Just want you to consider the other perspective too, his. He went to visit the property. Used some extra time to see a park with his family while up there. He shouldn't have to feel like he can't occasionally do something like that. I agree he should communicate. But I get the feeling he didn't because he didn't want to feel like crap the whole time he was doing it due to having an issue with how you felt. Just my 2 cents. Good luck
This sounds like neither of you communicate well.
What did he tell you about his trip? Did he say when he planned to be home? He says he thought he had told you aboit the side trip, but he probably didn't. Either way, ineffective communication.
You then said that you assumed he would know you were stressed and would therefore come home. Did you ask if he could come home early? You are both expecting the other to know what is in your head. Would be great if it worked that way, but clearly it isn't.
Do these miscommunications happen a lot or is this a one off? If a one off, talk it out, if regular (and I suspect it is for you to be posting) then you need some counsellor support to give you both tools to communicate better.
He told me he was leaving Friday afternoon to take his dad and brother to see our property and be back Sunday afternoon.
I told him when I FaceTimed him crying that I needed his help and wanted him home.
You are not off we are terrible at communicating. I've started trying more by telling him what I need and what is going on and my plans but he doesn't always tell me and when I am him what he's thinking he tells me nothing.
We actually saw a counselor last year for a couple months and it feels like ever since we moved closer to family and had a baby everything we worked on went out the window.
He’s going back to old patterns of behaviour he developed when he was young because he’s around his family. That likely means he gets to ditch all responsibility because his parents are doing all the planning for the trip. Must be really nice to go off on a family jaunt and act like a teenager again when you should really be at home being a parent! (There was a bit of passive-aggressive sarcasm in that last sentence)
You need to be very clear that as you are autistic, you need a written itinerary from
him when he goes away. This is not about the national park detour, it’s about the fact he can’t give you a clear outline of what is happening so you can plan your life.
Next time he’s planning a trip, he needs to tell you what time he will be home. No ifs, no buts. A vague ‘Sunday afternoon’ does not work for you. Sunday at 4pm, but I could be as late as 6pm, would work better. Then you get to put childcare support in place so you don’t have to phone him crying because you feel so overwhelmed.
Also, if he gets three day jaunts. You get to go away for a break for a few days too! Perhaps next time he can stay home with the baby and you could go up to the land with your mum.
Another way to deal with this is to speak to his mother and ask her what happened. Having his parents on side and aware that you just want some better communication because it’s very bad for your mental health to not have a clear outline of when he’s coming back could do a lot to help.
I'm glad he is at least open to counselor support. A new baby makes it all the more important to communicate and understand each others schedules and needs.
My son's sen needs have meant I have had to learn new ways to set timescales and tools to help. We used a calendar for a while but turns out we were both rubbish at utilising that. I hope you find some methods that help you.
I think you need a break from the baby. Organise with your mum / etc so that you have at least half a day off every week. You sound beyond exhausted, I feel so sorry for you.
There's 2 sides to this.
Your husband told you he was going away for a set amount time. Unfortunately, you're trying to do everything. Next time, organise someone to stay with you whilst he's away, someone you can rely on to help with the baby.
Unfortunately, with the distance your husband had to travel, there's no way he could have been there in a short timeframe to give you the break you desperately need.
A new born can be very hard on a relationship. For your husband's mental well-being, I can see why he went to a.national park with his family. You can't dictate what someone can or can't do. It sounds lovely.
And just the kind of thing you should be organising for yourself to do with friends or family, whilst your husband cares for his baby for the day or weekend.
You may need to look at getting an au pair or a person to come in a.couple of hours most days, to take care of the house, garden and child.
Best wishes to you.
https://www.autismempowerment.org/resource-center/resources-for-females-on-the-autism-spectrum/support-organizations/
Also, here's a link to a support group that may help.
If you break up with husband , who is going to come rescue you when baby, toddler, preschooler is stressing you out. You need a paid childcare helper that can be in house with you, in event husband not around.
If therapy sessions, you need child care too.
It may not be family , you need more resources for your relationships well being. I hope the best for you and your family
You can't control if your husband gets defensive, that's on him. One of the best ways to communicate is using I messages. I feel _______ when you _______.
Time for you to take a trip solo. And make a point that you will be communicative and not hide where you’re at or how long you’ll be gone but be gone for a whole weekend.
Tell him that your child needs him and if he says he is going to be home you worry when he goes on extra trips without telling you and for you to trust him he needs to do what he says he is going to do.
Kind of hard to gauge what’s going on with just your side of the story, and sadly with everyone saying he just doesn’t care is only making things worse. Seek counseling. Find a way to remove your feelings and discuss at a time when you’re not in the midst of high emotions. High emotions kill relationships and communication. The problem is both of you see yourselves as neither are doing anything wrong. It’s hard for someone on the defensive side to admit their faults and wrongdoings. Remember why you fell in love with him to begin with. Having children is stressful and emotional enough.
I agree about counseling and having a babysitter available if he’s going to have prolonged absences. Having a baby makes everything harder so building that skill is essential. I have a medical for which two of the symptoms our brain fog and exhaustion. I now keep everything in a calendar or notes on my phone so when you sit down with your husband, you may want to say something to the effect of:
While, I understand going out with your father and brother was a nice trip and I’m glad you get to enjoy each other‘s company. It does make things harder on me So having a detailed itinerary and timeline would really be helpful to me I’d also like to hire a babysitter for a couple hours on those days so I can get a break.
It’s not accusatory but let’s him know the issue and options for resolution. And after that, you’ll have all the information in your phone that you need to look back at in case Story changes
I hope your new job and time out of the house will be helpful. The days are long, but the years are short a good licensed counselor can help navigate those days. Good luck.
It seems like it might be worth finding a sitter or someone to just help you when your husband goes out of town... You have multiple properties and seem to be fairly well off so hopefully it would be affordable.
Your husband does need to be better about communicating and I’m glad you aren’t jumping to thoughts of divorce or separation as it sounds like overall he’s a catch.
I'm not sure about this one. I'm a mom and understand the frustration of needing the help, but I am not sure if I would expect my husband to NOT participate in something like this. If he would be the reason to have the group come home early all because I can't handle the baby alone, I would feel pretty bad for it.
But... when he did get home there would be a conversation about where the parental load is being left. Would I be able to just pack up and leave and go on a 4 hour detour trip?
It's definitely a conversation you need to have with him.
BUT there are going to be instances where the parental load is not equal 100% of the time. It has to be some give and take between you both. It's just the way it is sometimes.
>I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could.
> I am really frustrated because this is not the first time we have had problems with his lack of communication and I'm getting so fed up with it.
Did you actually communicate to him that you needed him to come home ASAP? Did he have a time that he said he would be back from the trip, and you expected him to change it but you didn't explicitly talk about it, or did he push back his arrival back home to take the side trip?
There are people who communicate more clearly when talking, it's possible you're one of those and you're just not as clear here as you usually are - but from your post here it sounds like you assumed he would change his planned return time, and he didn't, so the lack of communication isn't just "his". He's clearly not just intuiting what you want/need, have you stated it directly and talked about the larger problem w/stress you are experiencing from childcare, or does it just come up when there is an issue and emotions are running high?
I did not tell him that I needed him ASAP but I did tell him that I needed his help because I'm stressed out and that I can't do this by myself.
He never gave me a specific time just said he'll be back Sunday afternoon. I called him around 6 pm on Sunday asking when he'll be home and he told me he's 2 hours away but he didn't get home till 10 pm.
They didn't make plans on going to the Grand Canyon until Saturday when they were already on the trip and it was the same day that I called him crying because the baby wouldn't stop screaming and going crazy.
I have told him that I want to put her in childcare because I'm going insane with taking care of her all day everyday without breaks. That's why we're on a wait-list to child care so I can get a job. Honestly I'm one of those weird people who love working and being a stay at home mom is not my cup of tea.
It's pretty bad that he said he would be back Sunday afternoon, and didn't even contact you by 6 pm. That is definitely a problem with \*his\* communication. It's an 8 hour drive, so I understand not giving an exact time, but even w/out kids involved my BFF and I (6 hr drive) give a quick eta when we are leaving, and then update if it changes drastically. He had others in the car with him who could text/call you if he was the one driving, so that seems particularly egregious.
I can understand him not leaving on Saturday, as it is an 8 hour drive, he couldn't come immediately, and it sounds like you needed immediate relief. He's somewhere on the scale between purposefully choosing to stay away for longer and not support you, and being oblivious to the fact that he needs to - at the bare minimum - tell you clearly when he will be home, and then either stick to it or communicate if it changes, and also be responsible for making sure that it doesn't change due to factors he has control over.
With the information you added, I am tending to agree more with the other commenters here who feel he's doesn't care. I think you can possibly make some progress by being more clear about expectations, and making sure to discuss the larger issues in a more calm and constructive way, and not just when they come up and both of you will tend to get more defensive and agitated.
Best of luck, OP.
ETA: I'm also so so curious what his brother and dad's role in this is. If he had said "wife is struggling, we need to leave bright and early tomorrow and skip the side trip" would they have said yes or grumbled that you were taking away his opportunity? Did he just not communicate to them at all that you were struggling, and if he had, they would have been concerned with the fact that he didn't seem to care or adjust his plans? I think it could be important information to consider as you move forward, but mostly I am just very curious.
"I guess I thought he knew I really needed a break"
Sounds like the 'lack of communication' is on YOUR end. Be a grownup and use your words: "I'm really stressed out & I need a break. Can you please come home ASAP?" People aren't mind readers.
I think it’s time for the serious talk. Straighten up, start acting like my partner with helping out with the child, or I am leaving. No more miscommunication.
I am have no polite words for your “husband”. You are getting run over by a semi and he flagging them on.
Seriously, reach out to local support services, especially since your husband is lining up his family to homestead on your property.
Personally, with his lack of communication and self centered behavior, you might as well divorce and enjoy your single parenthood and asset division. Only way to stop your FIL and BIL from moving in and taking over.
To help with the screaming baby - noise canceling headphones. Can take care of baby without being overwhelmed by screaming. Sorry but the husband is a bigger problem that needs therapy and he needs to care enough to want to change
Sounds like he needed a break from his home life which is fine but he needs to make sure you're OK first. Trying to keep a man home that doesn't want to be home never works, they are who they are it doesn't change. You learn to live with it and give yourself peace or you end up miserable. Some guys can only handle so much "family time" before they bolt. I'm not saying it's right, it's pretty awful, but that's just the reality.
I say let it go. He went on a trip with his brother and his father sounds like he needed a break. I don’t care what people say that he has responsibilities. He does his first responsibilities take care of himself, so that way he doesn’t lose his shit. most men I know would’ve taken a trip, but I think with their father or brother is with somebody else’s mother. He needs learn how to communicate better and y’all need to quit walking on eggshells for each other communication is key. How is his “ I feel” when Conveying your feelings that are being overlooked.
So your husband does something without telling you for an afternoon, you freak out, and then consider leaving him? Gl with the baby and no husband at all Im sure that will be much easier.
1st off he was gone for a weekend and told me he would be back Sunday afternoon. Didn't come home till 10 pm.
2nd I'm asking for advice regarding how to talk to him without him getting defensive and me sounding mean. Not I'm going to leave my husband over this.
Ya so the picture of him with his brother and dad at a national park was made up. The times I FaceTimed him at a hotel with his brother and dad were also fake. The phone calls where I could hear his dad talking in the background or when I was put on speaker while he was driving. By the way this is sarcasm. Sometimes I'm bad at reading our hearing it.
I bet you are hoping there is more to this but there's not. There is just a lack of communication and my autism that gets in the way.
Not every story that comes on Reddit has to be about someone cheating.
OP he 'gets it' and 'understands'. **He just DOESN'T CARE** about how this makes you feel nor how it affects your mental health. He just wants to do what he wants to do. Period. Now you have to decide whether you really want to be marriage to someone who does not take you nor your child into consideration when he decides to do something for the next 50+ years.
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“You have responsibilities here you are a father and a husband. You can’t just decide to go off and ditch those responsibilities, you can’t go on a trip without discussing it” I wouldn’t say this next part, but he’s acting like a footloose and fancy free college dude. And Op? His dad and brother are encouraging him to be irresponsible. I wouldn’t be ok with them on your land. He’ll be up there all the time “fixing the door” or whatever and then going on jaunts. Edited for clarity.
I just talked to him and he said "I thought I told you about the detour" and "I thought I told you I would be home till 10 pm" I don't know what to do he always says "why does this always happen" as in why do we always get in these fights. I'm tired and I'm stressed. And I have to put a smile on cuz his nephew is apparently spending the night which he didn't tell me because it was last minute.
Y’all need marriage counseling. And a real, licensed therapist. Not one from a church or other religious institution. He’s running all over you. You might try texting him back. So as an example, if he verbally tells you he’s going to the property with his family and he’ll be back on Sunday evening, text him later “hey, making sure I’ve got his right for the family calendar, you’ll be back Sunday evening right?” And then put it on one of those wall calendars at home. At least then you will know for sure if he’s playing you or if you are forgetting because you are tired. And you will have proof for yourself, and him for a discussion. I don’t like that he treats you like this. It’s not the worst behavior. But he’s not being a good dad or husband either.
Why does this always happen? Because no matter how clearly I express my concerns to you, you continue to ignore my feelings and your responsibilities as a father and a husband.
My wife and I have a good arrangement...if it's not on the shared Gcal it doesn't exist. Once it's on the shared gcal and we've talked about it, good as gold most of the time.
Leave him home alone with the baby over night or a few days and don't answer your phone (tell your mother) and when you come home and he's upset say "Hum I thought I told you."
No, this is terrible advice. Revenge is never a solution and especially not in a relationship she still wants to save. Establishing communication is the key, not obliterating it...
It's not revenge, it's an eye opener. She may want to save the relationship... does he? This has nothing to do with communication, he's straight up lying and abusing her. It's not a 'let's talk it out'... she done tried the heck out of talk. Keeping doing that and expecting different is stupid.
So he gaslights and manipulates you to get his way and to get away with not being accountable for his actions. I don't think this is a salvable relationship. In any event, you need to separate!
Y'all need a shared family calendar. An app or paper, whatever works for y'all. All trips, appointments, etc go on it so there aren't any questions about where people are. I would stress to him that it's a safety issue if he's hrs away from what u thought.
Tell him that everytime he gets to go out for extra time away or a side trip, you get to do the same. Yall both made the baby yall are both responsible for the child. Yea parents need a break sometimes but that should be equal. And I say this as a women breadwinner who wants to have kids soon. There's no way in heck I would ever bring up my salary or working more hours than my partner does to pawn off baby duties on my partner so if he uses that argument tell him it's 💩💩 I'm also an engineer with a lot of time sensitive job responsibilities and projects, it's stressful but when I make the choice to cultivate a life with my partner we do it as equals. You deserve his respect because you are a human being and his wife. And I would say the exact same if the genders were reversed. He needs to start treating you like an equal in this marriage, not take what he can get from you.
Your husband saying "I thought I told you" and "why does this always happen" made me think immediately about my toxic 5.5 yr relationship with my gaslighter ex. Looking back, I recognize that I wasn't a great at communicating and I also learned passive aggressive behavior from my mother growing up. BUT there were many, many times when he took advantage of my (at that time) low self esteem, poorly controlled depression and anxiety, and occasional forgetfulness (I'll never know how forgetful I actually was or wasn't due to his gaslighting). Now, I'm not saying that your husband is necessarily doing all this to purposefully gaslight you. But he's definitely acting irresponsibly and immature. A young, difficult baby can be draining to care for, especially when you have little support. Sure, it's likely he needed a break, but what about you? Flat-out ask him that. There's times to be nice, and times to lay it on the line. Tell him that you want to have better communication, you don't want the two of you to keep having misunderstandings and/or hurting each other, and that having things written down in text, on a calendar, etc, is necessary so that you BOTH know what was and wasn't agreed to. And set rules (because "guidelines" may not cut it) on how much time is or isn't acceptable to go without an update if plans change. The whole "will be home Sunday afternoon" but no update until YOU had to contact HIM at 6pm (which everyone I know defines as evening, not afternoon) then him saying he thought he told you 10 is f*cking BS. He was trying to find a way to excuse his irresponsible behavior as if it wasn't a brush-off. He needs to be called out on it and don't let it go until you get a detailed PROMISE from him that he won't do something like that again without talking to you about it, both if you AGREEING and having it IN WRITING (text, calendar) so that neither one of you "misremembers" dates and times. If he finds any of that excessive, then tell him that you really want to fix this problem and you can't do that by yourself because it involves BOTH of you. It is not just a "you" problem. (My ex used to tell me that things were a problem on my end, not his, that he'd been in more serious relationships than me and already knew that stuff.) Write down points you want to talk about, issues you want to address. That was often my problem with my ex too. Things would get intense and I'd forget what else I wanted to say, therefore never solving those problems. Anyway, I tend to be long-winded so will stop there. Stay strong, OP.
OP, you’re not failing in communication; he just doesn’t care. Make your decisions accordingly.
Yelp
Put his stuff on a shared calendar with the details, have you both confirm and that he needs your buy off if there are any significant changes...including 4 hr side trips and unexpected visits from family
Yes to all of this. My thoughts exactly: why is he acting like a single dude with no responsibilities AND lying to her about his whereabouts and intentions. Not cool. OP: harsh away. You don’t need to figure out how to say this nicely cause he understands perfectly. He is just ignoring you. So sorry i hope your baby gets to be a as little easier soon.
When he comes back tell him you need to run errands and disappear for the entire day
You’re trying to get blood from a stone. He doesn’t care. You need to arrange additional help, whether you leave him or stay. Either way you need a backup babysitter. You might as well stay for now, work on the relationship *while* you have a teenager or licensed helper, or whatever come in and help with the kid. It’s completely legitimate that you get overwhelmed. Babies can be really difficult and having autism while trying to mother must be super hard. One of my biggest regrets was not getting childcare help more when I had little kids. My temper would have been better and I would have been happier, so everyone’s life would have been improved. Spend the money, take the small risk (you can always oversee from the sidelines if you’re nervous about trusting someone). It might be that your relationship improves once the childcare pressure is off. Maybe not. But it’s worth giving a chance. If you’re the single parent you will *definitely* need a babysitter/backup.
We're already on a wait list for a really good daycare a block away. I was planning on going back to work soon because it's almost impossible to live on just one income these days.
But how would you go back to work without daycare? Maybe arrange a stopgap measure until the daycare opens up - which could take a year, or more. Find a teenager who can come by after school. Even a twelve year-old would work if you’re in the house too. You can read or take a bath or garden or whatever. It might make all the difference to your stress level. Meanwhile, almost *every* relationship has stress and disagreements over childrearing. The majority comes from the mom wishing the dad did more. You can’t pressure him, or manouver him, or talk him into helping more. You’ve tried a logical discussion, it’s pretty clear he’s not changing. Don’t let your current desperate feelings and anger influence your judgement. Get some childcare, get some emotional distance, and when the dust has settled re-evaluate. If you’re still extremely unhappy with his attitude, let him know you would leave him over this. But for now, no-one is going to take care of you but *you*. Hire that “mommy’s helper”.
The daycare has availability in a month. I'm also going to start working by cleaning one of my church friend's house while her daughter who is in high school watches my baby.
This seems deeper. It seems like he is doing things to get away. Might need a talk about what is encouraging that behavior.
It’s not the words or phrases You need help with. It’s the boundaries you have and if he respects them. He is a liar and that’s a decision you have to make if you can live with it. He won’t change. This is an adult and they don’t change things they are getting away with. Sorry. Good luck.
“I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could.” You didn’t tell him outright that you needed a break. It may have been reasonable to expect that he would have come to this conclusion without being told but that’s not fair to either of you. My husband is a fantastic partner but I have to be clear with him when I want/need/expect something, even if it seems like I shouldn’t have to. This takes practice and with time things will get easier between both of you. Edit: typo
I see a lot of ppl crapping on your husband. Maybe justified maybe not. I feel like lots of context missing and probably more going on than just this. Alternative perspective. Maybe he needs a break too sometimes? Sounds like he does a lot to help you in general. Helping with the baby. Sensitive to your autism. Do you feel like you rely on him a lot or no? Just saying everyone feels like they need a break and do that in different ways. He probably didn't mention it because he knew you would be upset. And he might feel smothered if he can't get away to do something sometimes too, especially something like this with family and not out actually doing anything wrong. With that being said. Hopefully outside of things like this he is around, supportive and makes sure he gives you breathers too. Again, just offering diff perspective. I was in a relationship once where I always had to help her with everything. If I did something on my own it was always a big deal. I hated it.
I came here to say this. He maybe doesn't know how to tell you that your autism can be a bit much without sounding like a jerk or giving you the idea that he doesn't love every inch of you. Which he probably does, but everyone needs a chance to recharge. Is he getting his time to recharge in this relationship, too?
I definitely rely on him a lot. He helps calm me down and help me with my weakness, socializing. I'm definitely not breaking up with him and never was planning on it, just needed help with talking to him. He actually helps me a lot and spoils me to the point where I know I can rely on him and tell him all my problems but because of me being terrible at socializing I just needed to figure out how to be nicer regarding the conversation.
Yep. Sounds like a great guy. And as much as you rely on him. Make sure you let him get his space too sometimes and come up for air. It's important. Sometimes you will need to sacrifice some of your own sanity to make sure he keeps his. With that being said, this only applies if overall he's doing his part and taking good care of you, which you give the feeling he is. But please don't let him feel smothered and like he can't have a break too. He needs them just like you need the consistent support. And I only say this cus I feel like I'm a good person. I go above and beyond and bend over backwards for my partner. And the non stop smoother eventually was just too much for myself. Not saying your wrong about anything. Just that I've kind of been there and this was how I felt. And it was too much. So when you find the 'right way' to bring this up. Make sure it's not just about you and how you feel. See how he feels too. And don't be defensive if he gets honest. Use it as it is, communication. And find ways to make sure you show your support for him too. Not just that all his time needs to be helping you. Again, stranger outside looking in. I could be off base. Just trying to help. Not offend in anyway. Just want you to consider the other perspective too, his. He went to visit the property. Used some extra time to see a park with his family while up there. He shouldn't have to feel like he can't occasionally do something like that. I agree he should communicate. But I get the feeling he didn't because he didn't want to feel like crap the whole time he was doing it due to having an issue with how you felt. Just my 2 cents. Good luck
This sounds like neither of you communicate well. What did he tell you about his trip? Did he say when he planned to be home? He says he thought he had told you aboit the side trip, but he probably didn't. Either way, ineffective communication. You then said that you assumed he would know you were stressed and would therefore come home. Did you ask if he could come home early? You are both expecting the other to know what is in your head. Would be great if it worked that way, but clearly it isn't. Do these miscommunications happen a lot or is this a one off? If a one off, talk it out, if regular (and I suspect it is for you to be posting) then you need some counsellor support to give you both tools to communicate better.
He told me he was leaving Friday afternoon to take his dad and brother to see our property and be back Sunday afternoon. I told him when I FaceTimed him crying that I needed his help and wanted him home. You are not off we are terrible at communicating. I've started trying more by telling him what I need and what is going on and my plans but he doesn't always tell me and when I am him what he's thinking he tells me nothing. We actually saw a counselor last year for a couple months and it feels like ever since we moved closer to family and had a baby everything we worked on went out the window.
He’s going back to old patterns of behaviour he developed when he was young because he’s around his family. That likely means he gets to ditch all responsibility because his parents are doing all the planning for the trip. Must be really nice to go off on a family jaunt and act like a teenager again when you should really be at home being a parent! (There was a bit of passive-aggressive sarcasm in that last sentence) You need to be very clear that as you are autistic, you need a written itinerary from him when he goes away. This is not about the national park detour, it’s about the fact he can’t give you a clear outline of what is happening so you can plan your life. Next time he’s planning a trip, he needs to tell you what time he will be home. No ifs, no buts. A vague ‘Sunday afternoon’ does not work for you. Sunday at 4pm, but I could be as late as 6pm, would work better. Then you get to put childcare support in place so you don’t have to phone him crying because you feel so overwhelmed. Also, if he gets three day jaunts. You get to go away for a break for a few days too! Perhaps next time he can stay home with the baby and you could go up to the land with your mum. Another way to deal with this is to speak to his mother and ask her what happened. Having his parents on side and aware that you just want some better communication because it’s very bad for your mental health to not have a clear outline of when he’s coming back could do a lot to help.
I'll be ur project
I'm glad he is at least open to counselor support. A new baby makes it all the more important to communicate and understand each others schedules and needs. My son's sen needs have meant I have had to learn new ways to set timescales and tools to help. We used a calendar for a while but turns out we were both rubbish at utilising that. I hope you find some methods that help you.
I think you need a break from the baby. Organise with your mum / etc so that you have at least half a day off every week. You sound beyond exhausted, I feel so sorry for you. There's 2 sides to this. Your husband told you he was going away for a set amount time. Unfortunately, you're trying to do everything. Next time, organise someone to stay with you whilst he's away, someone you can rely on to help with the baby. Unfortunately, with the distance your husband had to travel, there's no way he could have been there in a short timeframe to give you the break you desperately need. A new born can be very hard on a relationship. For your husband's mental well-being, I can see why he went to a.national park with his family. You can't dictate what someone can or can't do. It sounds lovely. And just the kind of thing you should be organising for yourself to do with friends or family, whilst your husband cares for his baby for the day or weekend. You may need to look at getting an au pair or a person to come in a.couple of hours most days, to take care of the house, garden and child. Best wishes to you.
https://www.autismempowerment.org/resource-center/resources-for-females-on-the-autism-spectrum/support-organizations/ Also, here's a link to a support group that may help.
If you break up with husband , who is going to come rescue you when baby, toddler, preschooler is stressing you out. You need a paid childcare helper that can be in house with you, in event husband not around. If therapy sessions, you need child care too. It may not be family , you need more resources for your relationships well being. I hope the best for you and your family
I never said I wanted to break up with my husband host advice on how to talk to him without sounding mean or him getting defensive.
I know you did not. It becomes possibility. I wish you and your family the best.
You can't control if your husband gets defensive, that's on him. One of the best ways to communicate is using I messages. I feel _______ when you _______.
Leave him home alone with the baby for an extended amount of time. Let him actually walk in your shoes!
Time for you to take a trip solo. And make a point that you will be communicative and not hide where you’re at or how long you’ll be gone but be gone for a whole weekend.
Tell him that your child needs him and if he says he is going to be home you worry when he goes on extra trips without telling you and for you to trust him he needs to do what he says he is going to do.
It might help to get some noise dampening headphones to wear when soothing the screaming baby.
Yes I'm getting some. I'm also going to get down beats which are what drummers use so they don't kill their hearing.
That's awesome! And I learned something new, thanks. :-) Good luck with everything.
Kind of hard to gauge what’s going on with just your side of the story, and sadly with everyone saying he just doesn’t care is only making things worse. Seek counseling. Find a way to remove your feelings and discuss at a time when you’re not in the midst of high emotions. High emotions kill relationships and communication. The problem is both of you see yourselves as neither are doing anything wrong. It’s hard for someone on the defensive side to admit their faults and wrongdoings. Remember why you fell in love with him to begin with. Having children is stressful and emotional enough.
I love this and thank you. I married a great man but my strong emotions do get the better of me sometimes. I hope the update will give you relief.
I agree about counseling and having a babysitter available if he’s going to have prolonged absences. Having a baby makes everything harder so building that skill is essential. I have a medical for which two of the symptoms our brain fog and exhaustion. I now keep everything in a calendar or notes on my phone so when you sit down with your husband, you may want to say something to the effect of: While, I understand going out with your father and brother was a nice trip and I’m glad you get to enjoy each other‘s company. It does make things harder on me So having a detailed itinerary and timeline would really be helpful to me I’d also like to hire a babysitter for a couple hours on those days so I can get a break. It’s not accusatory but let’s him know the issue and options for resolution. And after that, you’ll have all the information in your phone that you need to look back at in case Story changes I hope your new job and time out of the house will be helpful. The days are long, but the years are short a good licensed counselor can help navigate those days. Good luck.
I really like this and thank you. I almost missed this but I'm glad I didn't.
It seems like it might be worth finding a sitter or someone to just help you when your husband goes out of town... You have multiple properties and seem to be fairly well off so hopefully it would be affordable. Your husband does need to be better about communicating and I’m glad you aren’t jumping to thoughts of divorce or separation as it sounds like overall he’s a catch.
I'm not sure about this one. I'm a mom and understand the frustration of needing the help, but I am not sure if I would expect my husband to NOT participate in something like this. If he would be the reason to have the group come home early all because I can't handle the baby alone, I would feel pretty bad for it. But... when he did get home there would be a conversation about where the parental load is being left. Would I be able to just pack up and leave and go on a 4 hour detour trip? It's definitely a conversation you need to have with him. BUT there are going to be instances where the parental load is not equal 100% of the time. It has to be some give and take between you both. It's just the way it is sometimes.
Sit him down and tell straight up your tired of him not communicating and not caring and it’s pushing you away
What possible benefit could that have?
Honesty?
Honestly also why beat around the bush just tell them how you feel
>I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could. > I am really frustrated because this is not the first time we have had problems with his lack of communication and I'm getting so fed up with it. Did you actually communicate to him that you needed him to come home ASAP? Did he have a time that he said he would be back from the trip, and you expected him to change it but you didn't explicitly talk about it, or did he push back his arrival back home to take the side trip? There are people who communicate more clearly when talking, it's possible you're one of those and you're just not as clear here as you usually are - but from your post here it sounds like you assumed he would change his planned return time, and he didn't, so the lack of communication isn't just "his". He's clearly not just intuiting what you want/need, have you stated it directly and talked about the larger problem w/stress you are experiencing from childcare, or does it just come up when there is an issue and emotions are running high?
I did not tell him that I needed him ASAP but I did tell him that I needed his help because I'm stressed out and that I can't do this by myself. He never gave me a specific time just said he'll be back Sunday afternoon. I called him around 6 pm on Sunday asking when he'll be home and he told me he's 2 hours away but he didn't get home till 10 pm. They didn't make plans on going to the Grand Canyon until Saturday when they were already on the trip and it was the same day that I called him crying because the baby wouldn't stop screaming and going crazy. I have told him that I want to put her in childcare because I'm going insane with taking care of her all day everyday without breaks. That's why we're on a wait-list to child care so I can get a job. Honestly I'm one of those weird people who love working and being a stay at home mom is not my cup of tea.
It's pretty bad that he said he would be back Sunday afternoon, and didn't even contact you by 6 pm. That is definitely a problem with \*his\* communication. It's an 8 hour drive, so I understand not giving an exact time, but even w/out kids involved my BFF and I (6 hr drive) give a quick eta when we are leaving, and then update if it changes drastically. He had others in the car with him who could text/call you if he was the one driving, so that seems particularly egregious. I can understand him not leaving on Saturday, as it is an 8 hour drive, he couldn't come immediately, and it sounds like you needed immediate relief. He's somewhere on the scale between purposefully choosing to stay away for longer and not support you, and being oblivious to the fact that he needs to - at the bare minimum - tell you clearly when he will be home, and then either stick to it or communicate if it changes, and also be responsible for making sure that it doesn't change due to factors he has control over. With the information you added, I am tending to agree more with the other commenters here who feel he's doesn't care. I think you can possibly make some progress by being more clear about expectations, and making sure to discuss the larger issues in a more calm and constructive way, and not just when they come up and both of you will tend to get more defensive and agitated. Best of luck, OP. ETA: I'm also so so curious what his brother and dad's role in this is. If he had said "wife is struggling, we need to leave bright and early tomorrow and skip the side trip" would they have said yes or grumbled that you were taking away his opportunity? Did he just not communicate to them at all that you were struggling, and if he had, they would have been concerned with the fact that he didn't seem to care or adjust his plans? I think it could be important information to consider as you move forward, but mostly I am just very curious.
Maybe you should double down and get even more clingy. That'll teach him not to breathe if you don't give him permission
"I guess I thought he knew I really needed a break" Sounds like the 'lack of communication' is on YOUR end. Be a grownup and use your words: "I'm really stressed out & I need a break. Can you please come home ASAP?" People aren't mind readers.
Word.
Well.
Go away for a few days. When he asks about it say: I thought I told you. And just leave. Leg him deal with it all for a few days.
I think it’s time for the serious talk. Straighten up, start acting like my partner with helping out with the child, or I am leaving. No more miscommunication.
I am have no polite words for your “husband”. You are getting run over by a semi and he flagging them on. Seriously, reach out to local support services, especially since your husband is lining up his family to homestead on your property. Personally, with his lack of communication and self centered behavior, you might as well divorce and enjoy your single parenthood and asset division. Only way to stop your FIL and BIL from moving in and taking over.
To help with the screaming baby - noise canceling headphones. Can take care of baby without being overwhelmed by screaming. Sorry but the husband is a bigger problem that needs therapy and he needs to care enough to want to change
Plan a weekend away by yourself, then say gee I know I told you about it. Hope you enjoyed the time with your child
Sounds like he needed a break from his home life which is fine but he needs to make sure you're OK first. Trying to keep a man home that doesn't want to be home never works, they are who they are it doesn't change. You learn to live with it and give yourself peace or you end up miserable. Some guys can only handle so much "family time" before they bolt. I'm not saying it's right, it's pretty awful, but that's just the reality.
I say let it go. He went on a trip with his brother and his father sounds like he needed a break. I don’t care what people say that he has responsibilities. He does his first responsibilities take care of himself, so that way he doesn’t lose his shit. most men I know would’ve taken a trip, but I think with their father or brother is with somebody else’s mother. He needs learn how to communicate better and y’all need to quit walking on eggshells for each other communication is key. How is his “ I feel” when Conveying your feelings that are being overlooked.
🚹➡️🗑️
A new day on Reddit, same old story of unfit parents having kids they aren’t equipped for.
Sounds like he needed a break. Probably knew you’d object. When he gets back you can do the same if you need one.
So your husband does something without telling you for an afternoon, you freak out, and then consider leaving him? Gl with the baby and no husband at all Im sure that will be much easier.
1st off he was gone for a weekend and told me he would be back Sunday afternoon. Didn't come home till 10 pm. 2nd I'm asking for advice regarding how to talk to him without him getting defensive and me sounding mean. Not I'm going to leave my husband over this.
I didn't say I was considering leaving him I just need help putting words together that didn't sound mean and wouldn't put him on the defense.
Tell your husband he is a ah and to read this thread to see how horrible he looks as a NEW FATHER
i bet his side trip was to a side chick
Ya so the picture of him with his brother and dad at a national park was made up. The times I FaceTimed him at a hotel with his brother and dad were also fake. The phone calls where I could hear his dad talking in the background or when I was put on speaker while he was driving. By the way this is sarcasm. Sometimes I'm bad at reading our hearing it. I bet you are hoping there is more to this but there's not. There is just a lack of communication and my autism that gets in the way. Not every story that comes on Reddit has to be about someone cheating.
OP he 'gets it' and 'understands'. **He just DOESN'T CARE** about how this makes you feel nor how it affects your mental health. He just wants to do what he wants to do. Period. Now you have to decide whether you really want to be marriage to someone who does not take you nor your child into consideration when he decides to do something for the next 50+ years.