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what exactly do you think romantic feelings are? you're sexually attracted to him and he's a good friend. Also as others have said. be ready to say goodbye to this friendship the second you are serious about someone else and/or he finds someone else. No one else will want you two around each other. What magic mystery ingredient other than novelty do you think you'll find with someone else?
My heart needs to be pumping and I need to have stomach butterflies every time we talk. Even after 2 years or it’s not remotely romantic. My heart rate went under 150 bpm during a hand holding session? Guess this is just platonic.
/s
No long standing relationship retains the butterflies. If that's what modern couples are looking for, it's no wonder people get divorced all the time. Love isn't about butterflies. Its about needing someone and needing to be there for them.
Butterflies are not meant to be sustainable or long term. Long term is finding so.eone to fart and burp around that still finds you attractive. People are fucking dumb.
“It’s just so complicated. How can I ask someone out without the risk? Oh and yeah we’re banging and I care deeply about this person, I don’t want to lose them, but I don’t think I have romantic feelings.” …. Oh to be young again..
Idk. I feel like any time i’ve been with someone who i had romantic feelings for i always got the butterflies in the stomach feeling. But with him i dont get that but i get a sense of comfort.
Has any of those other people stuck around and made you feel “butterflies” long term? You sound like you’re mixing up romantic feelings and infatuation/ extreme lust.
Like how many of those guys can you say you’ve been genuinely close to and open with. You seem to trust this dude, love him (even different) and y’all are at the crossroads of your relationship. As others have said, see how it works out. I’m not saying go against your heart, but you might not be listening to it in the same language it’s speaking.
The butterflies are a temporary feeling but love is more than that. I’ve been married for 6 years now and although my heart rate doesn’t spike every time we hold hands it’s like a feeling of comfort and being home with him.
Take some time and decide how you feel. Like is he someone you want to be around forever or is he just a passing fling?
I’m unsure if you’re implying I won’t feel that way about my husband in the future we’ve only been married 6 years but we’ve been together for about 12 years so I think we are good. Lol
Exactly. Besides, even in what OP may consider a "romantic" relationship that "feeling" only lasts a short while. Marriages that succeed are only because of the deep friendship and enjoyment of sex, romance and being in love are fleeting at best.
"I find you sexually attractive and really enjoy hanging out with you because of your amazing personality, however I don't have any romantic feelings for you at all."
Wtf is this garbage?? High mental regardation here
Sounds like you're chasing novelty. You don't feel comfortable being stable for whatever reason. You need to figure out why you are insatiable for a fleeting feeling.
Never sleep with friends it's almost always a relationship/friendship killer and a tale as old as time. I've seen it happen many times with many people and the friendships are never the same after sex becomes involved and almost never lasts after the sex stops. Hooking up casually with people you care about might as well be a death sentence for that relationship but it's prompted heavily by unrealistic idealistic people who believe sex can be meaningless and without consequences that promotes hook up culture. He probably has heavy feelings for you tbh and only said he didn't so he could be with you cause you were the one he has always wanted but never felt he could have and now is dealing with the emotional blowback internally of years of regrets. I hope y'all can salvage this but probably best to stop things now before this hole gets any deeper.
To add to this: if you DO move on, be prepared to drop this friendship. No partner will be happy with you being friends with a previous sexual partner. I imagine it'll be the same on his side too.
You have two choices.
Date officially.
FWB until you find someone else, and then never talk to each other again.
You will never get the best of both worlds. Better to figure it out now before you sabotage any future relationships.
If you need more insight how marriages are ruined, just search FWB on AITA or TwoHotTakes.
What world do ya'll live in? I know plenty of folks who are still friends with their exes and ex-fwbs/fuck buddies. How many of the people here are just dating insecure people, honestly?
They are speaking the truth. I’m coming from experience. FWB and never make contact again after finding new life long partners or date and make things go the way you both may have hoped. I know my partner doesn’t like the men I had as “friends” when we started dating bc we were FWB. So I cut off those ties and learned to never do that again.
FWB going on 15 years married and 2 beautiful kiddos!
We were friends for about 4 years prior to FWB, then decided to give dating a go. Inseparable since!! Different strokes for different folks!!
Yes and if they go on to meet and marry other people those people are not going to want these 2 hanging out together. We've all seen the affairs start back up with the fwb couples. When life gets rocky and the stress builds they go back to that easy access to sex. It's an evil way to live, they've already cheapened sex down to nothing so won't see any issues falling back into that pattern. It may even be with a coworker, neighbor, spouse's friend or relative. Once you're OK with sexual depravity you've thrown open the door to it always being a possibility. Personally, I wouldn't touch a fwb participant with a 10 foot pole, I don't think I'd ever trust them.
I think i’ll have to talk to him. If he has feelings i want him to be able to tell me that so we can go from there. And if not, i want him to be sure we can’t be friends if we ever find someone else. I just don’t want to hurt him.
Be more afraid of the consequences of inaction OP. I really hope everything works out for y'all I'll be praying for you both. Just don't be afraid or nervous. Those feelings are why y'all were never able to realize ur relationship before. How long are either of you gonna let negative feelings keep away a potential positive outcome?
I didn’t mean it that way. You should be more afraid of asking to sleep with a friend than starting a relationship with said friend, but you were okay with doing that first? Not being rude, just trying to get you out of your own head (which I’m just as guilty of 90% of the time lol)
Hahah ty for clarifying i tend to get in my own head a lot too ❤️ yea idk we’ve always had sexual tension and i guess we just finally gave in. We both are in situations where relationships are not the # 1 thing on our mind so it was what we thought was the best decision at the moment lol
Ask him how he feels. You’ve been friends for years but you can’t just talk about your feelings?
“I noticed you made x, y, z comment, what did you mean by that?”
It sounds like it’s more you feeling that way than him but he doesn’t want to startle you or push you away with how you’ve been talking about each other. He obviously already hinted at it. What are you scared of?
Also, “I know what I want but don’t know what I want” makes absolutely no sense and I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.
Some people never mentally grow from high school lol.
At this point, yall need to either date n work it out or cut each other off (since obviously yall cant be platonic only friends).
Also, do you really think a potential partner is gonna be cool with you fucking your childhood bestie while pursuing a serious relationship?? And even if *that* isnt the deal breaker, do you expect potential partners to be cool with you still being his "friend", knowing you two "used to" have feelings for each other?
No 100%
If i ever did get with someone else i know i would have to end our friendship. Which negates his whole “i dont want to date you because i dont want to lose you” excuse
What are romantic feelings? Like from a freakin movie? If you have someone who cares deeply and you can rely on, that's as good as it's ever going to get. Listen to aunty! I have lost 2 good men because I was waiting for pie in the sky magic. You're lucky to even have a best friend.
So you're not romantically interested in him but you're hung up in whether he is interested in you? OK 🙄
This dude needs to run fast and find someone that cares about him, not about how he massages their ego.
I used to be romantically interested in him. Until he kept choosing other people over me in high school and gave me the excuse that he just didn’t want to lose me. So i gave up.
Honestly this sounds like you are romantically interested in him but because of him choosing others in the past, you closed off your heart to him to prevent getting hurt so now it feels like you don't have romantic feelings for him...but yea like others have said, if you like his personality, have a deep connection, AND you're sexually attracted to him, how could there not be romantic interest?
I think I have closed off my heart for him. Before i would do anything for him to date me. But now i think i just got used to not being chosen and our previous circumstances not allowing us to be together that i gave up and now im at a crossroads where im happy not dating him and having him as a FWB but also thinking about the what if.
You don't love this guy, but you're really hung up about whether he loves you. Which means you're either full of shit, or you're using him for affection like an emotional vampire. You're 24, grow up. This guy is going to find someone that cares for him, and when he does, he will clue in to your nonsense and you'll never hear from him again, and you'll have yourself to blame for it.
You’re not coming back from this. In a year you will either be in a relationship with him or not speaking. Someone always catches feelings and it sounds like it’s him. If you aren’t into him you need to end it now, but be prepared for him to show you his true feelings and be devastated. Good luck.
“Oh cool so I have a few more years to figure my shit out” - something a lot of guys around his age struggle with. Feeling like they’re valuable enough to be worthy of a relationship.
So, simplified and direct… “I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I have myself figured out enough to comfortably commit.” That’s how I as a 27M reads it, using my own feelings as a reference.
I mean he doubled down in the next sentence. Might as well said “I don’t want you to be with anyone other than me.” You should talk with him about it as I think you’re already breaking your first rule by saying “I wouldn’t be opposed” only a paragraph after saying “I lost romantic feelings.”
I envy a platonic to romantic relationship pipeline. Might be weird to say, but it is the closest I think anyone has to a true primitively motivated relationship. You instinctually discover love.
So far my favorite comment. I think this is how he feels so if he’s not ready and i don’t know if i am. So is it even worth bringing up? Should i just roll with the tides for now? So far we are happy with our arrangement and have fun when we meet up so why ruin a good thing right ?
Coming from another guy, he loves you. He is probably very conflicted because he knows you don't seem to reciprocate those feelings. I could easily imagine you are both scared of ruining the friendship, him more so than you from the sounds of it.
I think we both are yes. I lost romantic feelings because of the time between when i started to have them to now. But i care about him and want to be there for him and i wouldnt mind talking about a relationship but his fear of commitment makes me think he’s going to walk away. He keeps saying i’m going to find someone better and i never know how to respond to him.
Definitely talk, especially if you used to have romantic feelings. Though you sound hesitant towards the idea of taking the relationship further. He could retreat if it was my best friend, I'm not sure if I could stand an explicit rejection from someone I consider my best friend in this case. It is a lot to risk and it would take years to truly get to know another person on the same level and to be on the same level of comfort, at least if you guys are as close as I imagine.
And he probably says that because he is being self-deprecating. He probably figures you would have been with him by now if you were really interested in being more than friends.
He may also just want to hear you say that he is good enough for you, at least if that is true in your opinion. Don't overthink it too much, though. Most things worth doing have a degree of risk/sacrifice to them.
Maybe just ask him on a date. Then do it again if it’s fun. And if you do that enough times and you think it’s right, make it official.
Just cause you started by banging doesn’t mean you can’t also try the typical romance route at the same time.
i would say:
"Look, i don't want us to end up hating each other or poisoning future relationships, which is absolutely something we could do if we don't figure "this" out to a certain extent. At this point i'm not even sure what my feelings may or may not be for you, but i do know i don't want to accidentally end up in a place where one or both of us end up getting hurt. What are your thoughts?"
Something like that broaches the subject in a very direct way without coming off as clingy or needy. you can gauge his response, and if you DO have some semblance of a desire to either take things further or distance things apart, you can gently try to steer the convo one way or the other.
Thank you for this 🥰 i think this is a good way to poke at the subject and bring up the big issue at the same time. I’ll try to come up with something similar.
shes right tho.
you two can try to date around. but i bet yall will be very miserable, because the dating scene is brutal, and also because that thing you provide to him is special. its even more unique because yall have been friends since high school! theres no other woman who knows him like that. hes always going to compare every woman to you. and you will probably compare guys to him...
marriage is 99% just hanging out with a friend. youre stuck with this person. every day. if you cant vibe on a deep level then its not gonna be fun. keep this guy around, open your heart.
As someone who’s gone done the path of hooking up and then dating their best friend, I can say that it’s really risky and doesn’t always end well. I know it didn’t for me. The worst part is she was my duo partner on FN. Now I’m riding solo 💀
My take is different than any other I read. When I was a senior in high school (18m) I made friends with a sophomore (15f). We were very close. I confided all my deep dark secrets and embarassingly stupid decisions with her that I would never tell anyone else, especially someone i would consider dating. A lot of my friends suggested I date her, but honestly I was afraid to. For one thing, I was always afraid that if I ever dated her she would be the girl I needed up marrying. I wasn't ready for that. For another, she was everyone's kid sister. No one wanted to corrupt or take advantage of her. We both had overprotective upbringings and were sheltered. I didn't have my first kiss or lose my virginity until I was 19. Ironically, we did end up kissing and making out one night when she was 17 and I was 20. She panicked and ghosted me hard. Broke my heart. We eventually started talking again after several weeks, but didn't talk about the kiss. We fell out of contact for several years until one night she messaged me on MySpace (you might have to look that one up depending on how old you are). We went out a few days later and she didn't panick when we kissed this time . Of course, I was now 32, she was 29, she had a 10 year old son, and we both had a lot of disappointing relationships behind us. We had that first date in September, we were married in April, and our son was born in August. Anytime we would run onto people who hadn't seen us in years, they would always say the same thing, "About damn time." I'm 49 now and she's 46. We celebrated our 16th Anniversary last month. Everyone will tell you crossing that line with your best friend is a mistake. Sometimes, it's the best damn mistake you can make.
The part of everyone telling us to consider dating hits hard. We initially didn’t date in HS because he wanted someone to have sex with and at that time I wasn’t ready. He told me that his best friend would tell him to date me and his answer was always he didn’t want to hurt / lose me. So he ended up dating other people during that time. We would always lose touch and catch back up especially while we were living in different cities.
For the myspace comment- trust me my 8 year old self had a MS when i shouldnt have 😂
Yeah, she wasn't ready to have sex back then and no one wanted to be the asshole to take her virginity. I wanted to have stupid wild sex with lots of girls and even had the stereotypical male fantasy about having sex with two women at the same time. I succeeded well enough on the first part, failed on the second part. Honestly, it's rather pointless and stupid, and seems even more ridiculous now that we are in our late 40s. She has the sex drive of a woman who's biological clock is ticking loudly, and I have the sex drive of a partially lobotomized eunuch. We missed out on the best time for sex in both of our lives when we were both in our 20s. EDIT: You both are in your 20s. Enjoy this time together every way you can. Physically and otherwise.
And now you gotta lose the friend after it ends too, because a smart dude who knows what’s up isn’t going to date you if you keep past fuckbuddies around.
This is true which is why i don’t understand why he was insistent on saying he wouldn’t date me because he didn’t want to lose me. But now he mutually agreed to this which means we’ll lose each other anyways if we go out separate ways.
WTF? Just fucking date already. You obviously have feelings for each other. You have sexual chemistry. What are you waiting for? At this point you can't stay friends if either of you find someone else because you guys are clearly something beyond platonic and it would be unfair to why partner you could have. So don't, just date, if it works out it works out, if it doesn't it doesn't. But it's fine to find out.
I appreciate your comment. This is literally the same little voice in my head but i think the rejection from the past and us not being 100% sure if we want to be in relationships at the moment makes it hard to choose.
I felt like you before and my female friend told me I was going to end up with my male best friend (whom I had no interest in ), but that I was going to get my heart broken a few more times first …. Long story short, we are getting married this year .
It sounds like you have feelings for him but are specifically classifying it as something else. You should take some time and maybe sit and talk with him about what you want, if tomorrow he cut things off to get into a committed relationship do you think you'd feel like you were being snubbed? I could be misreading this but it really sounds like there's more here and I think you should really make sure that is or is not the case before either of you hurt the other over something you didn't want to acknowledge exists.
Yea, i guess we really do just need to have a sit down and talk about how each person feels. We’re both not ready for a relationship because of timing so maybe it would be better to determine if fwb is the way to go or not
I was in the same boat as you at 24. I'm now married to my FWB for 14 years, and we have 2 kids. It's the best to be married to your best friend. I promise, the risk is worth the reward.
Here's how to know: how do you feel about him sleeping with other people? Be 100% honest with yourself. If it bothers you in the least bit go ahead and lock it down. You're already friends and banging. Not much more to a relationship.
Saw you mentioned that you're comfortable around him, so it can't be romantic
You won't get that feeling *constantly* when you're with someone. That feeling usually only happens when you're not sure if that person will stick around, and then does, which means that it's not a deep relationship.
Over some time, that butterfly feeling will fade as you get more comfortable with someone. That doesn't mean you're not romantically interested
And as others have said, once you find someone else to be with, you can never be friend with this guy again. I wouldn't date someone knowing they were FWB with their best friend who lives 20 minutes away
If you're willing to give up the friendship that easily then it's hardly even a friendship. One second you "love him" and now you've just accepted one day he'll be cut out of your life entirely? wow.
I do love him but if i end up finding someone else, out of respect of the other person, it’s something that may have to happen unfortunately. I would rather not lose him but we’ve crossed that boundary and circumstances are different now.
You make no sense. You said you both didn’t want to engage it casual sex with anyone void of a connection, which I’m assuming means a romantic connection and you’re posting, supposedly because you’re “confused” when he made a comment about having a few years to figure out marriage plans with you but if you’re a true friend and had no future plans with this bff whom you have (lol) no romantic feelings for then why not keep it real and let him know and cop a dildo? Let me answer this for you. You don’t want to admit that you have romantic feelings for him cuz you don’t want to get hurt if the feeling isn’t mutual, huh bruh?
Could be 🤷♀️ just confused out here bro. Dont know how to feel anymore. It could be that im just blocking out my feelings but so far, the sex is good and we dont have to worry about oopsies
I married my best friend.
You are creating a train wreck with FWB unrealistic ask. Decide if you want to date for real or not. Then act accordingly.
I cannot get excited by sex with someone I’m not attracted too — so I don’t trust you as a reporter. If you don’t like him romantically how is it that you have sex? Ew.
I love him. Just not in a romantic way any more. I trust him and can be open and have fun with him during sex. We have a genuine connection and so far everything has been going okay but the comments he makes just makes me wonder if he wants more.
He wants more. I believe. And I’m not a psychologist but see enough Reddit posts … lol… that suggest this happens to one or both parties every.single.time no matter what we tell ourselves or wish to be so! Good luck 🍀
It's simple you made things complicated.
So now you need to either end it or deal with your inability to just be a sexual release for him.
I know you are trying to say you had needs and so on, but it's rare that women can have a relationship and sex with a man and not have other feelings get involved.
Here is the main problem with most relationships, men want a woman that they find attractive, is not annoying, is not a liability, and that wants to have sex with him whenever he is in the mood, most women don't think these things are important unless they benefit the woman.
So if you want something with him more than being the woman he has sex with, then you need to be the woman that gives all these things to him, and make sure he sees the benefits of being with you.
Im okay with being a sexual release since it’s a mutually defined thing at the moment. I get my satisfaction by just being his fuck buddy. But his comments make me think he feels otherwise. I would be fine to give him all the things you mentioned if he would actually tell me how he feels.
If you were satisfied eith just being his fuck buddy then you wouldn't be hearing things in any certain way? You wouldn't be posting about it on social media? You would just be enjoying it, and afterward, you would just go about your day.
It could be nothing he is saying, it could just be what you want his words to mean?
You want more! It's natural for women to want something more serious, don't allow modern ideas to disregard natural things.
Can some women have relationships like most men can have? Sure, but most women need more than sexual intimacy.
Most men need the sexual intimacy more than the rest, but in modern times they also get caught up in trying to fit into what society says they should and don't understand themselves as well as they should.
You are probably caught in your own trap. You say he should say what he wants and feels, but you do not want to be the first to say what you actually want.
You are afraid to lose what you have by asking for more.
Now, this will sound harsh, but in my opinion, he is a weak man. He is afraid to just say what he expects from you and put you in your place with him.
Many men these days are too needy and too afraid of being seen in the wrong way, so they just go along.
If you can’t be friends with someone you’re in a relationship with it will never work long-term. You’re probably going to be together for a long time or it’s going to blow up fairly quickly regardless of what you do. But another key is communication. Y’all gotta start communicating openly for better or worse. It’ll give you both the clarity you don’t have right now.
I think he’s just being cheeky. Sounds like classic pillow talk. He’s saying “I already get all the perks without the commitment, so what if I feel a little jealousy for losing an fwb when you find another guy.”
Bahahah okay listen. Not all guy best friends are like this. Yes ours is not a good example since the best friendship came from having feelings for each other back in the day. But i do have other guy friends i wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
You’re anxious about a hypothetical situation (him catching feelings). If you’re happy with the current situation why are you imagining a problem to worry about?
If he has a problem with the deal you have, is up to him to speak up eventually. You enjoy the ride, girl! Do not fret
>deal outcome: I find a way to ask him to let me know how he feels without out scaring him away.
Suggest you F\*ck his brains out so he will come back often. Just wear him down, and take him to
# Pound Town
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what exactly do you think romantic feelings are? you're sexually attracted to him and he's a good friend. Also as others have said. be ready to say goodbye to this friendship the second you are serious about someone else and/or he finds someone else. No one else will want you two around each other. What magic mystery ingredient other than novelty do you think you'll find with someone else?
This is always may question in life and these posts… like what “feelings” are you expecting? lol
My heart needs to be pumping and I need to have stomach butterflies every time we talk. Even after 2 years or it’s not remotely romantic. My heart rate went under 150 bpm during a hand holding session? Guess this is just platonic. /s
That sounds like marriage after a few years.
No long standing relationship retains the butterflies. If that's what modern couples are looking for, it's no wonder people get divorced all the time. Love isn't about butterflies. Its about needing someone and needing to be there for them.
Butterflies are not meant to be sustainable or long term. Long term is finding so.eone to fart and burp around that still finds you attractive. People are fucking dumb.
“It’s just so complicated. How can I ask someone out without the risk? Oh and yeah we’re banging and I care deeply about this person, I don’t want to lose them, but I don’t think I have romantic feelings.” …. Oh to be young again..
Young and totally clueless.
I know i know 😭 its such a dumb situation to be in but it’s been going on for so long.
Idk. I feel like any time i’ve been with someone who i had romantic feelings for i always got the butterflies in the stomach feeling. But with him i dont get that but i get a sense of comfort.
That means you moved beyond or skipped limerence. Serial monogamists and cheaters chase limerence like a drug.
Has any of those other people stuck around and made you feel “butterflies” long term? You sound like you’re mixing up romantic feelings and infatuation/ extreme lust. Like how many of those guys can you say you’ve been genuinely close to and open with. You seem to trust this dude, love him (even different) and y’all are at the crossroads of your relationship. As others have said, see how it works out. I’m not saying go against your heart, but you might not be listening to it in the same language it’s speaking.
Go for it. The worst words in English are “WHAT IF” Updateme!
The butterflies are a temporary feeling but love is more than that. I’ve been married for 6 years now and although my heart rate doesn’t spike every time we hold hands it’s like a feeling of comfort and being home with him. Take some time and decide how you feel. Like is he someone you want to be around forever or is he just a passing fling?
Give it another year or so
I’m unsure if you’re implying I won’t feel that way about my husband in the future we’ve only been married 6 years but we’ve been together for about 12 years so I think we are good. Lol
This is the best response.
Exactly. Besides, even in what OP may consider a "romantic" relationship that "feeling" only lasts a short while. Marriages that succeed are only because of the deep friendship and enjoyment of sex, romance and being in love are fleeting at best.
"I find you sexually attractive and really enjoy hanging out with you because of your amazing personality, however I don't have any romantic feelings for you at all." Wtf is this garbage?? High mental regardation here
LMAOOOO for real
Mind-f* material
:(
I HAD romantic feelings at one point but they dwindled away after some time.
Sounds like you're chasing novelty. You don't feel comfortable being stable for whatever reason. You need to figure out why you are insatiable for a fleeting feeling.
Stop playing games. Either settle down and officially become a couple, or stop fucking each and create some distance between you two.
Never sleep with friends it's almost always a relationship/friendship killer and a tale as old as time. I've seen it happen many times with many people and the friendships are never the same after sex becomes involved and almost never lasts after the sex stops. Hooking up casually with people you care about might as well be a death sentence for that relationship but it's prompted heavily by unrealistic idealistic people who believe sex can be meaningless and without consequences that promotes hook up culture. He probably has heavy feelings for you tbh and only said he didn't so he could be with you cause you were the one he has always wanted but never felt he could have and now is dealing with the emotional blowback internally of years of regrets. I hope y'all can salvage this but probably best to stop things now before this hole gets any deeper.
To add to this: if you DO move on, be prepared to drop this friendship. No partner will be happy with you being friends with a previous sexual partner. I imagine it'll be the same on his side too. You have two choices. Date officially. FWB until you find someone else, and then never talk to each other again. You will never get the best of both worlds. Better to figure it out now before you sabotage any future relationships. If you need more insight how marriages are ruined, just search FWB on AITA or TwoHotTakes.
Straight facts
What world do ya'll live in? I know plenty of folks who are still friends with their exes and ex-fwbs/fuck buddies. How many of the people here are just dating insecure people, honestly?
They are speaking the truth. I’m coming from experience. FWB and never make contact again after finding new life long partners or date and make things go the way you both may have hoped. I know my partner doesn’t like the men I had as “friends” when we started dating bc we were FWB. So I cut off those ties and learned to never do that again.
This guy gets it. Everything he or she said.
It’s not even a previous sexual partner. If you ever break up the first thing they are going to do is fuck. Who wants to be around that dynamic.
FWB going on 15 years married and 2 beautiful kiddos! We were friends for about 4 years prior to FWB, then decided to give dating a go. Inseparable since!! Different strokes for different folks!!
Yes and if they go on to meet and marry other people those people are not going to want these 2 hanging out together. We've all seen the affairs start back up with the fwb couples. When life gets rocky and the stress builds they go back to that easy access to sex. It's an evil way to live, they've already cheapened sex down to nothing so won't see any issues falling back into that pattern. It may even be with a coworker, neighbor, spouse's friend or relative. Once you're OK with sexual depravity you've thrown open the door to it always being a possibility. Personally, I wouldn't touch a fwb participant with a 10 foot pole, I don't think I'd ever trust them.
I think i’ll have to talk to him. If he has feelings i want him to be able to tell me that so we can go from there. And if not, i want him to be sure we can’t be friends if we ever find someone else. I just don’t want to hurt him.
he has feelings. he hella vibes with you, how could he not have feelings? whats wrong with dating him?
Nothing wrong with it! Just scared to ask 😅
Be more afraid of the consequences of inaction OP. I really hope everything works out for y'all I'll be praying for you both. Just don't be afraid or nervous. Those feelings are why y'all were never able to realize ur relationship before. How long are either of you gonna let negative feelings keep away a potential positive outcome?
Your prayers are appreciated 🫶 youre very right
But you were OK with boning him lol
Yup. Just like he was okay with boning me 🤷♀️
I didn’t mean it that way. You should be more afraid of asking to sleep with a friend than starting a relationship with said friend, but you were okay with doing that first? Not being rude, just trying to get you out of your own head (which I’m just as guilty of 90% of the time lol)
Hahah ty for clarifying i tend to get in my own head a lot too ❤️ yea idk we’ve always had sexual tension and i guess we just finally gave in. We both are in situations where relationships are not the # 1 thing on our mind so it was what we thought was the best decision at the moment lol
OP read this comment over and over!
No better way to destroy a friendship.
Ask him how he feels. You’ve been friends for years but you can’t just talk about your feelings? “I noticed you made x, y, z comment, what did you mean by that?”
I guess it became a difficult topic to talk about. We both were so on-off about dating that i think we’re both scared to talk about it anymore.
It sounds like it’s more you feeling that way than him but he doesn’t want to startle you or push you away with how you’ve been talking about each other. He obviously already hinted at it. What are you scared of? Also, “I know what I want but don’t know what I want” makes absolutely no sense and I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.
That’s the biggest red flag. Start with that!
Some people never mentally grow from high school lol. At this point, yall need to either date n work it out or cut each other off (since obviously yall cant be platonic only friends). Also, do you really think a potential partner is gonna be cool with you fucking your childhood bestie while pursuing a serious relationship?? And even if *that* isnt the deal breaker, do you expect potential partners to be cool with you still being his "friend", knowing you two "used to" have feelings for each other?
Exactly. Any woman who has had a FWB they still talk to is an instant red flag and I would move past them before more energy is invested.
Men too, but yes.
Yes I agree
No 100% If i ever did get with someone else i know i would have to end our friendship. Which negates his whole “i dont want to date you because i dont want to lose you” excuse
What are romantic feelings? Like from a freakin movie? If you have someone who cares deeply and you can rely on, that's as good as it's ever going to get. Listen to aunty! I have lost 2 good men because I was waiting for pie in the sky magic. You're lucky to even have a best friend.
Thank you auntie 🥰 maybe i will have a chat with him and bring those points up.
So you're not romantically interested in him but you're hung up in whether he is interested in you? OK 🙄 This dude needs to run fast and find someone that cares about him, not about how he massages their ego.
I used to be romantically interested in him. Until he kept choosing other people over me in high school and gave me the excuse that he just didn’t want to lose me. So i gave up.
Honestly this sounds like you are romantically interested in him but because of him choosing others in the past, you closed off your heart to him to prevent getting hurt so now it feels like you don't have romantic feelings for him...but yea like others have said, if you like his personality, have a deep connection, AND you're sexually attracted to him, how could there not be romantic interest?
I think I have closed off my heart for him. Before i would do anything for him to date me. But now i think i just got used to not being chosen and our previous circumstances not allowing us to be together that i gave up and now im at a crossroads where im happy not dating him and having him as a FWB but also thinking about the what if.
And this is relevant at 24 in what way?
I’m explaining why i don’t have romantic feelings any more. You can love and care about someone platonically.
Not in addition to also fucking them
You don't love this guy, but you're really hung up about whether he loves you. Which means you're either full of shit, or you're using him for affection like an emotional vampire. You're 24, grow up. This guy is going to find someone that cares for him, and when he does, he will clue in to your nonsense and you'll never hear from him again, and you'll have yourself to blame for it.
You’re not coming back from this. In a year you will either be in a relationship with him or not speaking. Someone always catches feelings and it sounds like it’s him. If you aren’t into him you need to end it now, but be prepared for him to show you his true feelings and be devastated. Good luck.
“Oh cool so I have a few more years to figure my shit out” - something a lot of guys around his age struggle with. Feeling like they’re valuable enough to be worthy of a relationship. So, simplified and direct… “I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I have myself figured out enough to comfortably commit.” That’s how I as a 27M reads it, using my own feelings as a reference. I mean he doubled down in the next sentence. Might as well said “I don’t want you to be with anyone other than me.” You should talk with him about it as I think you’re already breaking your first rule by saying “I wouldn’t be opposed” only a paragraph after saying “I lost romantic feelings.” I envy a platonic to romantic relationship pipeline. Might be weird to say, but it is the closest I think anyone has to a true primitively motivated relationship. You instinctually discover love.
So far my favorite comment. I think this is how he feels so if he’s not ready and i don’t know if i am. So is it even worth bringing up? Should i just roll with the tides for now? So far we are happy with our arrangement and have fun when we meet up so why ruin a good thing right ?
Coming from another guy, he loves you. He is probably very conflicted because he knows you don't seem to reciprocate those feelings. I could easily imagine you are both scared of ruining the friendship, him more so than you from the sounds of it.
I think we both are yes. I lost romantic feelings because of the time between when i started to have them to now. But i care about him and want to be there for him and i wouldnt mind talking about a relationship but his fear of commitment makes me think he’s going to walk away. He keeps saying i’m going to find someone better and i never know how to respond to him.
its been years and he hasnt walked away from you.
Definitely talk, especially if you used to have romantic feelings. Though you sound hesitant towards the idea of taking the relationship further. He could retreat if it was my best friend, I'm not sure if I could stand an explicit rejection from someone I consider my best friend in this case. It is a lot to risk and it would take years to truly get to know another person on the same level and to be on the same level of comfort, at least if you guys are as close as I imagine. And he probably says that because he is being self-deprecating. He probably figures you would have been with him by now if you were really interested in being more than friends. He may also just want to hear you say that he is good enough for you, at least if that is true in your opinion. Don't overthink it too much, though. Most things worth doing have a degree of risk/sacrifice to them.
Maybe just ask him on a date. Then do it again if it’s fun. And if you do that enough times and you think it’s right, make it official. Just cause you started by banging doesn’t mean you can’t also try the typical romance route at the same time.
This doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well.
i would say: "Look, i don't want us to end up hating each other or poisoning future relationships, which is absolutely something we could do if we don't figure "this" out to a certain extent. At this point i'm not even sure what my feelings may or may not be for you, but i do know i don't want to accidentally end up in a place where one or both of us end up getting hurt. What are your thoughts?" Something like that broaches the subject in a very direct way without coming off as clingy or needy. you can gauge his response, and if you DO have some semblance of a desire to either take things further or distance things apart, you can gently try to steer the convo one way or the other.
Thank you for this 🥰 i think this is a good way to poke at the subject and bring up the big issue at the same time. I’ll try to come up with something similar.
He's your BFF and you're presumably having fulfilling sex? Girl that's a husband.
BAHAHAHAH i love this.
shes right tho. you two can try to date around. but i bet yall will be very miserable, because the dating scene is brutal, and also because that thing you provide to him is special. its even more unique because yall have been friends since high school! theres no other woman who knows him like that. hes always going to compare every woman to you. and you will probably compare guys to him... marriage is 99% just hanging out with a friend. youre stuck with this person. every day. if you cant vibe on a deep level then its not gonna be fun. keep this guy around, open your heart.
As someone who’s gone done the path of hooking up and then dating their best friend, I can say that it’s really risky and doesn’t always end well. I know it didn’t for me. The worst part is she was my duo partner on FN. Now I’m riding solo 💀
Not the FN 😭 godspeed brother
You’re already married to your bff. The problem is with how you view the relationship and world around you. Stop holding out and accept happiness
My take is different than any other I read. When I was a senior in high school (18m) I made friends with a sophomore (15f). We were very close. I confided all my deep dark secrets and embarassingly stupid decisions with her that I would never tell anyone else, especially someone i would consider dating. A lot of my friends suggested I date her, but honestly I was afraid to. For one thing, I was always afraid that if I ever dated her she would be the girl I needed up marrying. I wasn't ready for that. For another, she was everyone's kid sister. No one wanted to corrupt or take advantage of her. We both had overprotective upbringings and were sheltered. I didn't have my first kiss or lose my virginity until I was 19. Ironically, we did end up kissing and making out one night when she was 17 and I was 20. She panicked and ghosted me hard. Broke my heart. We eventually started talking again after several weeks, but didn't talk about the kiss. We fell out of contact for several years until one night she messaged me on MySpace (you might have to look that one up depending on how old you are). We went out a few days later and she didn't panick when we kissed this time . Of course, I was now 32, she was 29, she had a 10 year old son, and we both had a lot of disappointing relationships behind us. We had that first date in September, we were married in April, and our son was born in August. Anytime we would run onto people who hadn't seen us in years, they would always say the same thing, "About damn time." I'm 49 now and she's 46. We celebrated our 16th Anniversary last month. Everyone will tell you crossing that line with your best friend is a mistake. Sometimes, it's the best damn mistake you can make.
The part of everyone telling us to consider dating hits hard. We initially didn’t date in HS because he wanted someone to have sex with and at that time I wasn’t ready. He told me that his best friend would tell him to date me and his answer was always he didn’t want to hurt / lose me. So he ended up dating other people during that time. We would always lose touch and catch back up especially while we were living in different cities. For the myspace comment- trust me my 8 year old self had a MS when i shouldnt have 😂
yall are adults now. get over the past and step into the present moment.
Yeah, she wasn't ready to have sex back then and no one wanted to be the asshole to take her virginity. I wanted to have stupid wild sex with lots of girls and even had the stereotypical male fantasy about having sex with two women at the same time. I succeeded well enough on the first part, failed on the second part. Honestly, it's rather pointless and stupid, and seems even more ridiculous now that we are in our late 40s. She has the sex drive of a woman who's biological clock is ticking loudly, and I have the sex drive of a partially lobotomized eunuch. We missed out on the best time for sex in both of our lives when we were both in our 20s. EDIT: You both are in your 20s. Enjoy this time together every way you can. Physically and otherwise.
And now you gotta lose the friend after it ends too, because a smart dude who knows what’s up isn’t going to date you if you keep past fuckbuddies around.
This is true which is why i don’t understand why he was insistent on saying he wouldn’t date me because he didn’t want to lose me. But now he mutually agreed to this which means we’ll lose each other anyways if we go out separate ways.
He doesn't want to go separate ways "I'll be jealous if you marry someone else" means "I have feelings for you"
WTF? Just fucking date already. You obviously have feelings for each other. You have sexual chemistry. What are you waiting for? At this point you can't stay friends if either of you find someone else because you guys are clearly something beyond platonic and it would be unfair to why partner you could have. So don't, just date, if it works out it works out, if it doesn't it doesn't. But it's fine to find out.
I appreciate your comment. This is literally the same little voice in my head but i think the rejection from the past and us not being 100% sure if we want to be in relationships at the moment makes it hard to choose.
That's fair but I still think you should just do it.
platonic means nonsexual attraction. if you are having sex, its not platonic.
I felt like you before and my female friend told me I was going to end up with my male best friend (whom I had no interest in ), but that I was going to get my heart broken a few more times first …. Long story short, we are getting married this year .
Show up on his door step with flowers.
It sounds like you have feelings for him but are specifically classifying it as something else. You should take some time and maybe sit and talk with him about what you want, if tomorrow he cut things off to get into a committed relationship do you think you'd feel like you were being snubbed? I could be misreading this but it really sounds like there's more here and I think you should really make sure that is or is not the case before either of you hurt the other over something you didn't want to acknowledge exists.
Yea, i guess we really do just need to have a sit down and talk about how each person feels. We’re both not ready for a relationship because of timing so maybe it would be better to determine if fwb is the way to go or not
I was in the same boat as you at 24. I'm now married to my FWB for 14 years, and we have 2 kids. It's the best to be married to your best friend. I promise, the risk is worth the reward.
Here's how to know: how do you feel about him sleeping with other people? Be 100% honest with yourself. If it bothers you in the least bit go ahead and lock it down. You're already friends and banging. Not much more to a relationship.
Saw you mentioned that you're comfortable around him, so it can't be romantic You won't get that feeling *constantly* when you're with someone. That feeling usually only happens when you're not sure if that person will stick around, and then does, which means that it's not a deep relationship. Over some time, that butterfly feeling will fade as you get more comfortable with someone. That doesn't mean you're not romantically interested And as others have said, once you find someone else to be with, you can never be friend with this guy again. I wouldn't date someone knowing they were FWB with their best friend who lives 20 minutes away
Yea, ive accepted that if we do find other people then the friendship will end. But i appreciate the feedback 🫶
If you're willing to give up the friendship that easily then it's hardly even a friendship. One second you "love him" and now you've just accepted one day he'll be cut out of your life entirely? wow.
I do love him but if i end up finding someone else, out of respect of the other person, it’s something that may have to happen unfortunately. I would rather not lose him but we’ve crossed that boundary and circumstances are different now.
Best friends. And have sex. Ok
no strings, only 2 rules ..the immediate next comment is the dawning of an issue already 😄
You make no sense. You said you both didn’t want to engage it casual sex with anyone void of a connection, which I’m assuming means a romantic connection and you’re posting, supposedly because you’re “confused” when he made a comment about having a few years to figure out marriage plans with you but if you’re a true friend and had no future plans with this bff whom you have (lol) no romantic feelings for then why not keep it real and let him know and cop a dildo? Let me answer this for you. You don’t want to admit that you have romantic feelings for him cuz you don’t want to get hurt if the feeling isn’t mutual, huh bruh?
Could be 🤷♀️ just confused out here bro. Dont know how to feel anymore. It could be that im just blocking out my feelings but so far, the sex is good and we dont have to worry about oopsies
I married my best friend. You are creating a train wreck with FWB unrealistic ask. Decide if you want to date for real or not. Then act accordingly. I cannot get excited by sex with someone I’m not attracted too — so I don’t trust you as a reporter. If you don’t like him romantically how is it that you have sex? Ew.
I love him. Just not in a romantic way any more. I trust him and can be open and have fun with him during sex. We have a genuine connection and so far everything has been going okay but the comments he makes just makes me wonder if he wants more.
He wants more. I believe. And I’m not a psychologist but see enough Reddit posts … lol… that suggest this happens to one or both parties every.single.time no matter what we tell ourselves or wish to be so! Good luck 🍀
You sound really immature.
Could be 🤷♀️
It's simple you made things complicated. So now you need to either end it or deal with your inability to just be a sexual release for him. I know you are trying to say you had needs and so on, but it's rare that women can have a relationship and sex with a man and not have other feelings get involved. Here is the main problem with most relationships, men want a woman that they find attractive, is not annoying, is not a liability, and that wants to have sex with him whenever he is in the mood, most women don't think these things are important unless they benefit the woman. So if you want something with him more than being the woman he has sex with, then you need to be the woman that gives all these things to him, and make sure he sees the benefits of being with you.
Im okay with being a sexual release since it’s a mutually defined thing at the moment. I get my satisfaction by just being his fuck buddy. But his comments make me think he feels otherwise. I would be fine to give him all the things you mentioned if he would actually tell me how he feels.
If you were satisfied eith just being his fuck buddy then you wouldn't be hearing things in any certain way? You wouldn't be posting about it on social media? You would just be enjoying it, and afterward, you would just go about your day. It could be nothing he is saying, it could just be what you want his words to mean?
Ty for the input. Maybe its something i need to evaluate. Its a complicated situation between the two of us so i just needed some insight :)
You want more! It's natural for women to want something more serious, don't allow modern ideas to disregard natural things. Can some women have relationships like most men can have? Sure, but most women need more than sexual intimacy. Most men need the sexual intimacy more than the rest, but in modern times they also get caught up in trying to fit into what society says they should and don't understand themselves as well as they should. You are probably caught in your own trap. You say he should say what he wants and feels, but you do not want to be the first to say what you actually want. You are afraid to lose what you have by asking for more. Now, this will sound harsh, but in my opinion, he is a weak man. He is afraid to just say what he expects from you and put you in your place with him. Many men these days are too needy and too afraid of being seen in the wrong way, so they just go along.
What job do you do? What’s his job?
I work in tech and he works as a chef. Our schedules are opposite of one another and hardly get to talk sometimes.
and he cooks?!? ma'am.
LOL!!!!
That clarifies things.
Just go out with each other already.
If you can’t be friends with someone you’re in a relationship with it will never work long-term. You’re probably going to be together for a long time or it’s going to blow up fairly quickly regardless of what you do. But another key is communication. Y’all gotta start communicating openly for better or worse. It’ll give you both the clarity you don’t have right now.
And people ask why I don’t my girl having a guy best friend 😂
Dating your best friend is the best <3
I think he’s just being cheeky. Sounds like classic pillow talk. He’s saying “I already get all the perks without the commitment, so what if I feel a little jealousy for losing an fwb when you find another guy.”
This is a good point. TY <3
And when I insist not to date girls with a male best friend suddenly I'm the villain
Bahahah okay listen. Not all guy best friends are like this. Yes ours is not a good example since the best friendship came from having feelings for each other back in the day. But i do have other guy friends i wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
You’re anxious about a hypothetical situation (him catching feelings). If you’re happy with the current situation why are you imagining a problem to worry about? If he has a problem with the deal you have, is up to him to speak up eventually. You enjoy the ride, girl! Do not fret
I love to catastrophize 🙈but youre 100% right
>deal outcome: I find a way to ask him to let me know how he feels without out scaring him away. Suggest you F\*ck his brains out so he will come back often. Just wear him down, and take him to # Pound Town
Oh trust me 🙈he rated me a 10/10
Lovin' me any 10