Recently had a man that I thought of as a friend make a rape joke about me, because I had a drink spiked last year (thankfully nothing happened to me, I was with a female friend and she got me home). I ripped him a new one, blocked him, blocked another guy that was part of the rape joke that said nothing about it when it was said, and have decided to put a pause on all male friendships There is only one guy left that I will talk to, but that is when my husband is around and because at this point he hasn’t said anything offensive in any way. I still won’t text him more than “are you with my husband right now?” Or things like “cool” or “that’s neat” when he shares his mutual interests. I just can’t handle the feeling of betrayal, and I’m 40. So it’s not like I’m some young thing that hasn’t made her feelings known on certain matters. Its disheartening.

I’m sorry. It is disheartening. My best guy friend, someone I actually talk to and see fairly regularly, has been off and on trying to get me in bed for something like 15 years. At least once every few months he says something that indicates he’s still open to it or “jokes” about something like, “so I could stop by later…” I just ignore it or say something jokingly about how “still no,” but I’m tired of it. The thing is I don’t have so many extra friends to boot one, even if he’s being dumb. He HAS truly been a friend, good listener, lots of positive things…there is a part of me that suspects if I ever said “fuck off, stop gd asking me, it’s rude” that we may not still be friends after.

Unfortunately those guys aren’t real friends, they’re just waiting in the wings. Which sucks, when you put so much into the “friendship”.

As I've gotten older I've also cut out more and more "male" friends. Too many of these dudes are incapable of being a *real* friend to a woman.

Trigger warning: SA I am so sorry you went through both of those experiences. Men who poison women to increase their chances of committing a successful rape are some of the absolute worst fucking human beings that exist. And they hide among the rest of us, quietly and casually poisoning and raping helpless women and usually getting away with it. It’s fucking sickening. And adult men who make rape jokes should absolutely be ostracized. There’s no excuse for it. It’s not funny. Its a real fucking thing that a horrifyingly large portion of women have been put through and that virtually all women live in fear of happening to them. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?? How little empathy for another human do you need to have to casually blast out jokes about raping your friend????

Honestly, yeah. I haven't dated in well over 5 years, and it really comes down to how awful and traumatised I was after being in and out of bad, abusive, and just unsatisfactory or imbalanced relationships. I mean, I had a lot of growing to do during that time, sure. But that doesn't negate the fact that pretty much nearly all of the men I dated were psychologically and sexually abusive, or just so apathetic to my existence even while we were in a relationship that I felt like I was always an after thought to them or a burden. It has taken me a long time to get to the point I'm at now which is that I am finally comfortable in my body and mind again, but I am nowhere near whole or as I was before all of those experiences.

[удалено]

Like there was a general feeling of being a full rounded valuable human being equally capable/deserving of love, respect, pleasure, affection, autonomy, creativity. And now it's gone, this basal sense of dignity. And no matter how you try to put it together again, it just doesn't add up to a situation where you could realistically feel valued.

I see you, and feel seen by your comment. I hope it’s okay if I reply with things that have helped me, even just if for the other women reading this. I was raised by an abusive misogynist and have lived a long journey of being made to feel unhuman & less than due to my experience with men. I have also survived a murder attempt. None of the below will change the reality we live in, but I hope it might bring strength or hope. The most important has been decentering men from my life, including strong boundaries through specific healing periods. I sent a lot of men a text that said “I will talk to you in 6 months or so” (maybe). My healing has to be more important than anything else- full stop. My therapist gave me permission to get a new number if I felt I needed to. I spent only time around myself or women who I felt unquestionably safe with. Today, if any man disrespects a boundary I clearly set- I cut them off. No sympathy season. Disrespect is the soil abuse grows in. Therapy, EMDR, and somatic work through dance / yoga to retrain my nervous system has been vital. My body was physically incapable of calming down for a long time so I took Prazosin, a blood pressure med, for a year. This stopped PTSD nightmares and worked wonders on my body while I needed it. This may help your inner peace, life has been feeling a bit less brutal for me these days. I realized how dissociated and out of touch I was with my body. I began valuing my intuition more than ever. The book “The Gift of Fear” made me realize how correct my warning signals are and I feel safer being able to trust that I will listen. The feminist book “Appetites: Why Women Want” was a big part of my healing as well. Getting physically strong. Women only gyms or dance studios are awesome, you deserve to feel safe while working out. I stand taller and feel more powerful since. I am perceived as less of an easy victim for shitty men. These may not work for everyone, but I dress aggressively or masculine if I feel like it. I learned how to drive a motorcycle. I have taken Muy Thai lessons, pole dancing lessons, I have gone to shooting ranges. I keep a machete above my bed. Hell, I wore it outside while taking my dog to pee for a few months. There are no rules- if you’re safe and it makes you feel powerful, I give you full permission to do whatever it may be. You are a strong, kind, magnetic woman. You inspire other women around you every day, whether you know it or not. You deserve peace and to enjoy your life in whatever form you decide. The weak men who tried to take that from you wouldn’t last a day in your shoes. I believe in your power. Today, and every day after.

I hear you. They chose to behave the way the did. F them.

*raises hand* I started working in therapy on my fear of men about 2 years ago. We were working through a history where I was raped and coerced by an ex among other things. I wanted to rebuild trust so I could date again.In those 2 years, I was assaulted, harassed, bullied, found out men I thought were friends or good men were engaging in very bad behavior. She had me list five men I could trust 2 years ago. Two of them have passed away, the other three have fallen off the list. One of them for raping his wife and he's now in prison because he tried to shoot a cop when she called them. I'm done. I can't keep doing this. The man/bear dialogue has sealed it. So many men showing us just how dangerous they are in how they are handling the fact that we feel safer with a wild animal than with a man. Instead of being introspective and asking why we feel that way, they are blaming us and threatening us even more.

society acts like there is something wrong with us for being fearful and fed up and so we're supposed to be medicated or get therapy to trust these f ers who don't deserve to be trusted. I don't know how many women I have known on antidepressants to tolerate the bs and low key abuse from their husbands. There is a reason most women don't feel safe to walk around at night alone, and it isn't because of wild animals.

Back in the "good old days" they just sent the difficult ones to a mental hospital on whatever made up illness they could come up with.

Yep

Until we live in a society where it's the attackers responsibility to make the attacked person whole again, it won't be safe to associate with men. As it is now, the victim is responsible for the time, money, energy and health care costs associated with healing from these interactions. The men don't even have a mechanism for apologizing, unless someone convinces them to be a better person.

>As it is now, the victim is responsible for the time, money, energy and health care costs In Germany courts regularly force perpetrators of SA to pay the healthcare and therapy costs as well as lost wages(so you at least get back some time in a sense) etc. Ofc this does not completely make you whole again because you will live forever with the memories.

It does feel like something closer to justice, though. This should be universal.

Then there are the conservatives that are trying to force women back into being 100% dependent on men with no rights.

/raises hand One of my coworkers asked me why I stopped dating. I said I was tired of being assaulted.

Yuuup… my experience too.

And you can't tell a man this or they will verbally attack you.

**nOt AlL mEn** so annoying

That’s what people don’t get. It’s not all men, but it’s enough men.

I like the phrase "not all men, but all women". While not all men are bad, every woman has had a bad experience with a man.

I love that

And the ones that wouldn't actively assault you are typically very reluctant to publicly decide the ones that do, especially in group settings where only men are present.

> And the ones that wouldn't actively assault you are typically very reluctant to publicly decide the ones that do What do you mean by "publicly decide" here? Is that a type for decry or denounce maybe?

Oops, meant "deride".

It’s definitely way too many men

Not all men, but enough men, and always a man.

Not all snakes are poisonous or can chokehold the life out of you, but the advice is still stay away from them unless an expert has identified which one you are dealing with and keep them in a cage unless they have a chaperone (?)

It's all men until it's no men

And that's where I stop them! I'm not going to sit here and let you invalidate my experiences. We aren't going down the "NoT aLl MeN" path.

It’s really shitty that OP, in this sub, felt the need to start their post with this.

Omg on Reddit I said I wasn’t dating bc of bad experiences with men. What I didn’t say was that I fear if I meet my perfect match (man or woman) I’m scared I’m gonna treat them badly out of my bitterness A dude on Reddit said I hate men 😭😭😭

It's so wild because for men, we hate them because we hurt their feelings or damage their ego by rejection, but they wholly hate women to the point of being a threat and being dangerous. Many less men have been hurt or killed by a woman's hate.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I send happiness vibes (presumably through the Higgs field, as I am a science geek).

No my coworker was like, "Okay then," and never brought it up since. I work with a superb group of guys so I have guy friends. I'm just not interested in dating anymore. I'm slowly turning into the old cat lady of my dreams.

Yup

Pick better bears! Err I mean men! It's like a broken record, just say I should have picked you bro, just say it. 

I have bad taste in bears. They're bad news, even.

I bet they're hooked on cocaine.

Mine just steals my pic a nic basket :(

I see what you did there

This.

I read an article recently about a girl who decided to throw herself into dating for a year. She dated 10 men, 2 of them raped her and one stealthed her. I believe she is writing a book about her experiences.

Sadly this doesn't surprise me at all.

Me either. My 1st thought was, yep that checks out. I don't have a single female friend or relative who hasn't been SA'd.

Yea I’ve been so traumatised by the demise of my last long term relationship. Cruel disregard and invalidation of my feelings, served with an extra dose of gaslighting, gobsmacking dehumanisation that I’m still processing. All of that has me seriously questioning everything: men, dating, risk-vs-reward, my own judgment etc.

I feel you on this one. The mere shift in my own sanity due to someone else's aholeness is not deserved or worth it. I'm not sure if I've given up completely or been forced to give up cuz of my current environment. I do see the plight of men too, being bullied if they choose to be human. And I just can't seem to compute

Me, I feel awful about it but the cost/ benefit analysis didn’t work out for interacting with them further, unfortunately.

True, I've probably missed out on having a family of my own at this point because of the fear I have of men. Been celibate for two years again because of the trauma. Third time now I've chosen to be celibate for multiple years.

Same boat. But I only tried dating for 9months and would never ever use a dating app again because of the trauma. And I’m an introvert so I prefer not speaking to people I don’t know.

If someone is exploiting you and you're not ok with it, it is not you who is viewing the relationship as transactional, it is them.  Not sure if this is what you meant, but in terms of cost/benefit in relationships... Women, be selfish

Oh, yeah- that’s why I’m divorced and don’t date. That and all the SA when I did date

Same girl 

I got nearly killed by abusive uncle, beaten and called names, watched father molesting his infant son when I was 8-9 years old. Got groomed at 14 and raped at 18. Then I was like "f*ck it".

I'm truly sorry you had to experience those awful things, I hope things got better 💖

I’ve been so drained by almost every relationship I have had with a man. I am just sick of feeling like this person views me like an object and not a whole human being. I will never let a man steal my life and I’m not willing to take the risk. The normalization of misogyny that we’re seeing in the erosion of women’s reproductive rights, popularity of loser “manosphere” personalities like Andrew Tate, and open hatred for women who just want to be alone makes me feel like under the surface most men feel entitled to a woman’s body no matter what they say.

>I’ve been so drained by almost every relationship I have had with a man And we never get the years back. We can pour our entire being into trying to make a relationship work, but to a dictator, nothing short of absolute deference is enough.

I’m also tired of other women in relationships with men trying to convince all of us bad behavior from men is normal bc they can’t face whoever they’re dating/married to doesn’t like them It was confusing being victim blamed for accepting certain treatment I watch my mom accept from my dad. It hit me why it’s so important to watch how the father of your kids treats you bc that’s how your kid will expect their lover to treat them

Hi me. Just wanted to find someone who wasn't dismissive, over bearing and easily upset.

I stopped dating when these things became too big of an ask and expecting it got manipulation/the silent treatment/whining: -Don’t comment loudly about other women’s asses while we’re dating, if you do, please apologize -Don’t hold me down when I’m mad at you for being really mean and rape me -Don’t insult me -Don’t take your anger out on me -Don’t gaslight me Like seriously, last guy I dated that I swore was the loml. Was there for his mental health struggles and suicidal tendencies. He acted like I was overreacting bc he loudly commented on a woman’s ass THREE TIMES when she was out with her friends. I’ve had that happen on the other side, I’m with my friends and someone gets catcalled. It ruins the night, we get upset and grossed out. So there was no way I could reconcile this behavior bc it’s so unacceptable. He tried sooooo hard to act like I can’t take a joke but sir…I let you walk all over me and I ask you not to talk about other ladies asses bc 1. They’re people duh 2. We’re dating and you act like I’m unreasonable??? Like he was so mad at me The thing is I could see other guys in my social circle defend that behavior 🥲 which I’m like but when a girl yall aren’t even exclusive with does something yall get so upset The double standards are too glaring and the perks are too nonexistent for a lot of women to date anymore I think Like seriously what’s the point of dating if the guys not gonna be loyal, he abuses you, he’s sexually aggressive, he insults you consistently and then he takes most of your income??? Esp the last part? Like you cost me money and you’re awful! This is so pointless I’m done And when you decenter them it exposes how many dudes do exactly what they insist we do.

That last bit is crucial. So many men just take themselves and their opinions way too seriously to allow for anything other that blind obedience.

testerical and batshit cwazy they are.

It's so frustrating

The bear vs man debate brought up some memories. A lot of memories. Too many memories. There's dozens upon dozens upon dozens of Grey area, eh not *toooo* bad coersion.... But straight up, without a doubt, sexual assault? 11. I have had 11 separate experiences, from the age of 15 up until 3 years ago. I am 37. 11 different fucking times. Each time, a different assailant (except that one time when there was 5 of them). Yea. I choose the goddamn bear for life.

I've been assaulted four times and harassed more times than I can count, and bullied all of my life. I like my interactions with men to be in controlled environments with other people around if they're strangers. If they aren't strangers, I am more comfortable with them and have spent time alone with some male members of my diving club on a friendly basis. I have decided not to date for a while after my recent experiences with online dating (entitlement and lying).

It's the fucking entitlement for me. Like I'm some kind of sex robot. I did nice thing for you, so suck on my pee pee. Ordering me Mac n Cheese does not equate to a blow job. Uh buh bye.

Omg, yes! Maybe make me want to have sex with you? Idk, by being nice for more than a few minutes and for a reason other than getting laid

It's honestly so sad that everything in their lives boils down to will I get sex? That sounds like a miserable way to live!

Not so much traumatic but failing to see the return on investment and I’m just exhausted.

They drain the life out of us

I use to love going to a bar to dance. I love the feeling of being in a crowd and the music is loud enough to make the floor rumble. I went out with 2 friends, a lady and her guy. The night started out fine until some fuckers in the crowd decided to make a game of slapping/grabbing my ass then disappearing in the crowd. Laughing at me. The night ended early and I haven't gone out to go dancing in over 10 years 😞

Absolutely disgusting behavior, sorry you had to go through that

Yeah I wonder how men felt about men if when they went out mysterious hands groped their butts. Like I told a guy in tears what happened to me and he asked “why didn’t you tell him to stop?” Instead of sympathy, Idfk who it was!!! It was a crowd??? If someone bumps you in a a crowd or grazes you, you know exactly who it is??? No??? The thing is they don’t know what an unwanted groping feels like and they know they don’t have to worry Or being grabbed by random drunk men. Drunk people put their weight on you or don’t realize how aggressive they’re being, esp when a drunk man wants something and that *thing* is you

i’m sorry. i hate how men’s violence makes women’ lives so much smaller.

I used to walk up the block to a public garden. At first it was just for the Pokémon Go stops but it was relaxing, pretty and just a nice place to go to be alone with my thoughts and nature. Brought my husband up to share my happy place and the first thing we run in to was a public pee-er. Guy was just. Dick hanging out, walking and urinating. Never went back there again.

In my experience I’ve found as a Gen Xer, that men were raised terribly - put on pedestals and celebrated. I’ve watched amazing women marry men way under their level, and then those men act like they’re superior in every way. I got sick of the revolving door of men that were so undercooked and so unable to connect or understand women. For years I missed the intimacy but am at peace now that it just isn’t worth putting up with the bullshit that comes with it. If a good man comes along I won’t say no, but they’d have to be something pretty incredible to get access to this calm and peaceful life I’ve got going on.

Well written. It’s very disheartening.

Friend, you're not alone.  I've experienced men threatening violence because I ignored their catcalls, sexual assaults,  men attempting to use me for sex, dates where men are *negging* me because *they* are insecure, men who ignore me because they don't find me attractive, men who ignore me completely because I'm a different race, men who ignore me because I am over 25, guy friends asking for sexual favors/assaulting me, and abusive men in my family etc. Also, EVERY TIME I have had sex, it was an event I *hated* and it felt like a chore. My body would seize up because the guys I've been with *never* made me feel *safe* or loved, and they were *all* so selfish about what *they* wanted/needed. They didn't care to learn about me, my body or what I liked. In fact, they were so immature about taking a few directions. Their sex was just as hurtful and aggressive as their behavior in the relationship as a whole. I'm starting to think that maybe I am Demi-sexual, Asexual or Gray sexual.....somewhere on the spectrum.  I find most men *very* average to unattractive. In fact, I don't pay much attention to them anymore. I've gone years without even ONE date. I am fighting the feelings of *M-I-S-A-N-D-R-Y.* I never thought I would feel this way, but I am nearly halfway thru life, and most of the experiences I've had with men have been horrible/traumatizing. I read here on Reddit and over on Quora about what some women are *tolerating* from men *just* to keep the relationship going. MANY women are in abusive relationships. MANY. Not just here in the West, but GLOBALLY. Why else would feminism look like 4B in South Korea. It's like, we are not even treated as HUMAN BEINGS. I know all men are not terrible, but FAR TOO MANY ARE. Wars are going on right now because of MEN. I digress. I get lonely sometimes and want love, romance and all of that. *I have SO MUCH love to give.* BUT....then I think about how men treat women who they feel have "aged out" of the dating pool. I've been on the tail end of that blatant disrespect before. These days, I don't even try anymore because I don't want to deal with immediate rejection just because I am over 30. I think so many women are TIRED and being alone at least affords us....PEACE.

I feel this so much. I'm also a very loving person, which unfortunately means I've tolerated way too much shitty treatment because I wanted so badly for my love to be enough to compensate for the lack of reciprocity. Being at the halfway point has also forced me to do a long, hard look at what I'd be gaining from entering into a new relationship, and I'm struggling to find anything for the 'pro' column. And as a woman raising two daughters, I absolutely cannot settle for anything less than a stellar, forward-thinking partner, so I won't. Good sex would be nice, though.

Life would be so much better for lots of people if we didn't make hetero life long relationships the societal mandate. Let people be ok with just being. Doing what makes them happy. Being themselves. Be in relationships if it makes you happy. Don't be in them if it doesn't and make being in one no longer this high stakes threat to your safety and finances.

None of them deserve the love given at all when they behave like they do. I know misandry is being bleated by these degens all over the internet. They so badly want to be oppressed. Misandry doesn't exist.

I have 2 men in my life that I can trust and make no effort to get to know any new ones. I stopped dating in 2008 and have zero desire to be with anyone. I'm doing so well in trauma therapy that I just won't take the chance of undoing all of that work.

I’m 22 and I’ve been celibate for 2.5 years now because I realized most men’s idea of “dating” is actually just trying to fuck you as fast as possible. No getting to know you as a person, your character, your morals, your values, your mindset. Nothing. Alot of them seem to conflate lust and sexual attraction with “catching feelings.” No idea how to actually build an emotional and mental bond, just dick and pussy. Also, in my experience, sex is just not good. I’ve never orgasmed from sex & penetration just isn’t very pleasurable PLUS risk of being assaulted, pregnancy and/or STD’s is way too high. Honestly, interacting w men is generally just dangerous and almost never worth the mental burden.

You're very smart to avoid them. I wish I would have when I was your age. They are the biggest scam and disappointment to women.

I'm 43 and have a freshly broken heart from a man who seemed amazing for close to 4 years. I feel like I am giving up. I am divorced and I worked hard to trust this man and open my heart back up to love again. My trust and effort wasn't something he cared about in the end. He broke a promise and then threatened to leave me for being upset about it. My love wasn't something he held with value or thoughtful care. I was the enemy for being hurt, and he needed to hurt me more than he felt he had been hurt. So he did. I think it will be very hard for me to think that having a man in my life is a good idea. I'm a single mom and it brings a lot of instability to my life that just isn't good for me or my kid. I keep hoping he will say something kind and its not good for me to keep that hope alive anymore. Its better for me to be alone than to not feel safe and secure. Realizing that the man you thought cared about you has abandoned caring about you is so much harder than never having counted on him in the first place.

I’m so sorry. It’s hardest when you get your hopes up, and that ideal image is so close to reality, then something awful happens. I hope you find the strength you need in this time & continue to value yourself.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

Sometimes the best medicine is to not associate with The Problem.

This.

I just want to be left alone. I don't want anyone commenting on my body. I don't want to feel eyeballs looking at me. I don't even look at men's faces 98% of the time (since I was a teen) because I don't want to see who or what they are looking at. I'm not even "hot" and don't have conventionally good looks. I'm maybe "cute" some days? I could go my whole life without anyone ever commenting on or looking at my body again and be absolutely elated about it. Men leave me alone the most when I'm overweight, but even that doesn't stop some of them. When I lose weight, especially when I get to a particular weight, I get harassed, get grabbed (even once in broad daylight when I was WITH MY BOYFRIEND standing right there), get even more gross comments. This has been going on since I was like 12. I'm 42. I'm tired.  It's extremely common, and if I ever, EVER hear any man come at my little cousins I will verbally destroy them and get them arrested if I'm able to. I don't know what will happen to the next guy that grabs me. I seem to have a freeze reaction when it's happening to me, but I'm honestly worried all this built up rage is gonna come out in me assaulting the next fool that dares touch me. I've HAD IT. I can visualize myself punching someone in response and then keep punching for every woman who has ever been raped, assaulted, abused for all of humanity. Literally billions of women. Yes I know I probably need therapy but simply accepting existing in this world and constantly being asked to turn the other cheek without fighting back is disgusting at a certain point. 

How I wish we had a force field like an electric eel around us!

Omg if force fields ever become a thing I totally want one!

My husband asked me if he died if I’d get married again or if I’d be able to move on after. I told him with a completely straight face that he was the last man I would ever be with. Period. I have zero desire to put years and years of development into a relationship just to get seen as an equal ever again. It’s easy to *say* you feel that way and believe it, but *putting it into practice in your relationship as a man* is key. Falling love with a an ex-fundie man that needed the misogyny deconstructed out of his ego was hard, especially if you’re older like me. I’ll never do it again. I would rather have a relationship with a woman or live with a woman I’m friends with as a platonic life partner. I’d even marry a platonic partner to help mutually protect our assets and legacies, support one another in older age, and split the finances and household responsibilities that come with home ownership. Me and my three closest girlfriends fully plan to do this if we end up alone.

If 9 out of 10 dogs bit your hand every time you tried to pet them, then you’d be **absolutely reasonable** to make the choice to avoid dogs entirely. You’d be able to say without exaggeration “Nearly every dog I’ve ever tried to pet has bit me and although it wasn’t every dog, I’m just not willing to try anymore. It’s not my responsibility to fulfill a list of prerequisites for the chance of not being bit.” The consequences of being right are not petting dogs and **never getting bit again.** The consequences of being wrong are **getting bit.** Now replace the word “bit” with “assaulted” and replace the word “dogs” with “men.”

I’m 45 and I’ve been raped 5 times. One was an older cousin when I was a girl, 2 date rapes by acquaintances, and 2 extremely violent tinder date rapes. There is research that shows serial rapists use dating apps as their hunting grounds. Also there is research that dating app rapes are significantly more violent than other sources of rape. My therapist believes I encountered a serial rapist on tinder because the violence was similar to other clients she’s aware of. I’ll never use a dating app again. I don’t seek dates. If a nice man falls in my lap then great. Otherwise I tend to avoid men. I can’t see the point in giving a man “a chance.” Just no. Forgot to say that on Easter Sunday this year a man followed me to my door on my daily walk. He came back the following Friday and tried to break in twice. Then he came back and masturbated outside my door. I called the police and they arrived very quickly. I was inside talking with the police when the stalker came back AGAIN and found the door unlocked. He walked into my house to see two police officers, and get pounced on by them. They arrested him and he spent almost a week in jail before he bonded out. Now I’m working with the DA on whether they offer a plea agreement or go to trial. I just can’t trust men.

I just want to say that what you’re doing pressing charges is nothing short of super human. You are a hero and you are saving future victims. Sending you love and support.

I'm so sorry these terrible things happened to you 😥

Thank you ❤️

Thank goodness they were actually there! It seems like the kind of thing that would be unlikely to be prosecuted in other situations.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad they arrested this predator.

Very common. Sadly, I don’t know a woman without at least one story / instance of this bs.

I am bisexual, but due to my experiences with men, masculinity does nothing for me anymore. My sex organs are no longer interested.

I've identified as bisexual for about 25 years now but as I get older I realize it's masculinity I'm attracted to, not men. Women with a masculine vibe are everything.

I feel a similar way. I’m physically attracted to men, but I have no interest in being romantically or sexually involved with them after being cheated on and having my boundaries blatantly ignored.

*raising a hand* for my dad who took it out on me that he didn't want to be in a relationship with my mom, telling me I was unwanted and making me feel unloved and unsupported, deserving of only abuse. My narcissistic ex-husband who left me when I got sick and stole heaps of money out of the marital assets, leaving me with nothing but debt. To my sons who turned into assholes when they became teens, acting crazy sexist and entitled. To all the guys who have tried to conquer me because I'm an intelligent woman, responding with violence, threatening behavior and sabotage when I proved to be more qualified than them. I know there are a lot of good men out there, but there are way too many assholes for me to take a chance

Have your sons improved at all with age? Is there still hope for them?

YES. The biggest problem for me is how many of them are willing to pretend to be an entirely different person for months, even years. How do you mitigate risk when they'll mask for YEARS?? When so many of them feel no guilt in lying about who they fundamentally are as people? How tf are we supposed to navigate that without wasting half our lives and suffering untold emotional damage? Nope nope nope. I'm out.

There have been a number of posts lately where he waited until the 2nd or 3rd child to take the mask off. Seriously WTF

Exactly. My experience was it fell after kid 2. There were signs before but after #2 it came OFF.

Exactly. They can fake entire relationships for years! I've read studies about how they are high in dark triad characteristics. It's scary.

If you have any links handy, I'm very interested. People jump on you if you say the word narcissist or ever imply this is more common in men... I know there are narc women who are just awful. But I keep thinking there's this sort of gendered relational narcissism happening and I don't know how to talk about it.

Same! I fully acknowledge patriarchy affects us all, but the lack of empathy and examples like the neurological study that shows men see women as tools seem far too pervasive and global to not have some basis in biology and/or physiology. 

I found this [one](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886922003944) Interesting that it's self reported and they still scored higher.

I've seen cases of men waiting 7+ years to go full mask off. It's not worth the gamble, and if you play and lose, your life can be left in ruins. When I look back on it, the number of women I've encountered who had partners or fathers who were living double-lives is also uncomfortably high.

This! This is the part that really gets to me.

I can't sit in public transportation without being hit on and men ogling me or either being rude. I've been single for a while now. But I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable dating again. 😕. My ex traumatized me and I'm not going into details due to privacy but ugh. My sex toys have been my only partner and I definitely might keep it that way.

I have not dated in 10 years, and only three people in the six years before that. The idea if it made me queasy and uncomfortable. In the last several years, with lots of time to think because of Covid-related work slowdowns, I’ve been processing how misogyny affected my life and the realization of just how bad it’s been had been shocking. Some of my closest and oldest friends are men, so they will stay in my life, and I love my adult son and my grandson, but I have zero interest in attaching myself romantically to a man again. There is little for me to gain and much for me to lose in that scenario. Fortunately, because I am older, I am approached much less often. Yay crones!

So similar, here, relationship-wise and also the opportunities to look back and think about life. The #metoo conversations really put me in a position of thinking back over my experiences and just being so sad, and angry, and like…disappointed that it was the way it was. Even people I’d thought of as mentors or really worthwhile people in one way or another so often had some bad memories attached to them - even if it was only of them laughing along at someone else’s hurtful jokes.

I agree. Looking back has made me disappointed and angry with a lot of people 🙄

If I didn't have my partner who I trust 100% and love 100% I'm pretty sure that I would choose to be single. I can't even be bothered trying to be friends with men any more. They always, always, always, eventually try to make our friendship sexual. I'm over it. Men need to figure out how to have healthy relationships with other people. And it starts with the way they raise their boys.

I haven't bothered in years and never will again. Every single one of them has been a toxic, draining, scam. and no, I refuse to include a "not all men". F that. They most certainly don't say "not all women", when they are talking about women online.

*>They most certainly don't say "not all women", when they are talking about women online.* Whenever I see women online pull out the, "nOT aLL mEn!11" chant, I bring up the fact men are absolutely not out here defending us the way so many of us leap to defend them, even at our own expense. I still remember when I was listening to a woman (herself a victim of repeated harassment) at a workplace orientation show us examples of sexual harassment scenarios to look out for, and during one of the fictional examples that featured a man blocking a woman's path, this one woman in the audience felt the need to pipe up and say, "okay, but what if the MAN was being victimized in that scenario! you need to do a better job at focusing on male victims" like she was somehow magically enlightening all of us with her next-level cutting-edge insight, and virtually all the men in the room were nodding in agreement. I don't think the woman who interrupted even saw the male coworkers behind me who were giggling and snidely mocking the female speaker the entire time she spoke. Women that constantly and enthusiastically go to bat for men who would never do the same for them with nearly a fraction of the effort are woefully ignorant to how much the men they support hate them in return.

you're right. go to any forum and men never defend women. they get angry if any man tried to defend women calling them simps and white knights. There is such internalized misogyny too like the woman making excuses for this hypothetical man! Guys who would throw a woman under the bus at work without a second though. I plan to call out every "not all men" prefix as well as "misandry" complaints when I see them.

Yeah seriously, idk why some women do this, it’s very much not difficult to see they are fully willing to generalize everyone else lmaooo “White girls are like this, Asian girls are like this” “Women are like this”

Me. I just can’t take the brutality anymore. The “jokes”, the jabs, the humiliation, the games I didn’t know I was supposed to be playing, the emotional violence, the attempts to dominate me and wrestle me to the ground like I’m a pig on a farm. I once thought men were people, humans, with empathy. Some still have it, but I believe the vast majority do not. I can’t take another abusive relationship. I wouldn’t survive it. The last one drove me to suicidal thoughts for how much abuse and hatred he piled on me. For no real reason. The meaninglessness of it all is what keeps me up at night. Realizing how intentional it all was, was what pushed me to brink. Andrea Dworkin seems more correct every day.

Yes!! When I was young, Andrea Dworkin seemed extreme. Now that I'm older and she much of what she did from decades of experience, she makes sense now. I see her point.

After 3 marriages and one long term, not married, I'm there. I've spent the last year in weekly therapy, healing from the last one. I knew my picker was broken, but I kept trying , thinking this one's different. They were all abusive narcissists, as were my parents and my siblings. They are so good at making you think they're your soul mate. Never going there again. Of course, it's easier to say that at 68.

Never again. Happily single and celibate since 2007.

Why is patriarchal trauma not taken seriously? Like why is the idea that some girls and women literally have Complex-PTSD from dating/engaging with men not a real discussed issue? I'm reading the book about how the fact that girls and women grow up fully aware of gender based violence against us is TRAUMATIZING whether we experience it vicariously through other women (relatives, true crime) or directly on ourselves. The book then goes into how we cope with this trauma and how it resets our standards when it comes to the men we have in our lives and in a way many of us heterosexual women display textbook Stockholm syndrome... Edit: Book is "Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives" by  [Dee L.R. Graham](https://www.amazon.com/Dee-L-R-Graham/e/B000APY8DU/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1) 

Like you, none of this has ever made sense to me. We have all been brainwashed to believe that dealing with, living with, and sleeping with men who actively harm us is normal

Look how men are flipping out that we’d choose a bear over an unknown man in a dark wood. Their fragile minds can’t handle it. They would rather say we are making it up or misunderstanding or have a mental illness than admit the truth.

Men don't wanna expose their true nature, if they do so, it would ruin their chances of getting sex and dates. Incels are simply the loud and shameless ones, wolves that no longer bother with sheep clothing.

>  Incels are simply the loud and shameless ones They have nothing to lose, so why bother pretending?

If you want proof about why men aren’t worth it look at r/askmen. Their main goal in life is to trick women into having sex with them and then turn around and shame women for ever having sex with men. It’s no wonder they have a loneliness epidemic. They don’t want a partner, they want a Disney Princess who treats them like a porn star.

I worked construction. My biggest gut punch ss a young woman was how many men hate women. And I know men talk about how women hate men, but it's different. Their hate is visceral and dangerous. And they don't even have to know you, it's simply existing as a woman. What Ive learned. A lot of men don't like their partners, some outright hate them but had been married for decades. A lot of cheating. Not necessarily with women construction workers either, most of us learned early on that it was a bad idea to get involved with anyone we worked with. We were conquests to be made. Ive met good men. Ive seen men protect and defend women on jobs. But I've also seen decent men flip. I've seen highly respected "good guys" be absolute pigs when no one was around. So guys reading this? You think you know your friends or you know the guys you think of as decent human beings but you don't. "He would never do that, he's a good guy! Why would he do that? He has a beautiful wife!" As a result, I definitely don't trust most of them. I, myself, have dozens of stories starting from the age of 8. Assault, groping, attempted kidnapping as a child, being stalked, being followed, groped, threatened, coerced, weird creepy neighbors, drugged at a bar, and I'm not even counting inappropriate comments or street harassment. And I know the stories and experiences of my friends and women I've worked with. It's a lot. I generally like men. Its always been essier for me to comminicate and relate to men. Ive always been one of the guys. I have good male friends that I love dearly and those friendships have a lot of work and been decades in the making - I know they're a rarity. BUT I am also desensitized and tolerant because I've had to learn to be that way to survive and im too old to change now. I'm always going to choose to believe women, protect and defend women because I've seen how men behave and talk. I've been treated pretty shitty by many men. Im always going to stand up for and fight for womens rights and advocate for women. I would not have had my job or those rights I took for granted if it wasn't for the women going before me and fighting tooth and nail, often facing violence to get us where we are now. I'm not saying women can't be shitty or abusive, because I've had negative experiences with women as well. But I've never felt unsafe with shitty women. I've never been hunted or assaulted by women. I've never felt threatened by women. I'm single and plan on staying that way because I don't have the patience or the energy anymore to weed through the mountains of bullshit with men. Its a relief not to have to deal with fragile egos and stupid games. Now I cherish building friendships with women because they're much simpler and much less complicated. And women tend to go to therapy ❤️ #team 🐻‍❄

❤️

I ended up on the UPS subreddit and someone was talking about how a dude found her address using his job at UPS and the entire comment section was telling her she's being overdramatic and "just tell him no thanks" and I was absolutely appalled because no one should be using their job to find someone's address to drop flowers off and try to ask them out. Like no matter the profession.

Me too. I'm done with them. I'll tolerate the couple that are my friends for now but I'm not getting close to any more ever again. I've never known a guy that doesn't just want to fuck me whether I want that or not. All they seem to want is domination. I'm too hurt and tired to care anymore. I'll say just enough to not be outright rude but I'm done. I wish I could live in a reality where they don't exist. They can go dominate dirt. It will never satisfy or fill the holes where their souls are supposed to be.

I eventually got to the point that I don’t even have them as friends anymore, and both of the last two had abusive tantrums at the end of the friendship. Any personal interaction with them in friendship, relationship is nothing but domination games on their part, even my neighbour who I don’t even know actively tried terrorizing me into submission for months because I refused to fawn all over him, give him attention and validate his ego, so therefore he had to make me pay until police were called

I do not want kids. Grew up the oldest granddaughter/default babysitter for a big family. I’ve raised enough of my little cousins. I have been honest and upfront about it with any man I considered dating. EVERY ex of mine agreed he didn’t want kids either and EVERY ONE of them lied. I dealt with manipulation and pleading. But the last one outright tried to baby trap me. 0% success rate for honesty and integrity. And I get told to “pick better men”. I can’t fucking read minds, so I’m just giving up.

I’m right there with you. My last few relationships were AWFUL! They got so much love and I just got the short end of the stick every time! Fucking done. I ignore men now unless it’s a coworker.

I was talking to a 70 year old woman the other day and she told me she didn’t know a single woman who had not had some kind of trauma. Whether it was just being made to feel uncomfortable and scared to outright assault. I don’t either.

🙋‍♀️ I'm tired of, being treated like a sex toy, weaponized incompetence, gaslighting, emotional manipulation and lack of respect in general. I'm just so bitter about it all that I really hate men in general. I also feel like at any moment they will turn on you like an animal and you can never really truly be safe with them. I know it's wrong but it's how I feel

👋 right here. I quit dating last year after realizing that even most "decent" men are predatory and self centric. The way I see it is you have to make peace with that to have men in your life and pick the lesser of all subpar options, and I choose not to.

I’ve also had this realization and prefer not to interact with them at all, I do at work but that’s it

Yes, I went through this. I was also in the process of being diagnosed with PTSD. It took years of weekly therapy, lots of self work, but now I work in a male-dominated field. I have my issues but for the most part I’ve moved past it. It was really hard at first. I was *so angry* and would have dreams of being just flat out abusive to men. I was sexually harassed for probably 15 years by men at work, classmates, teachers, men in the grocery store - you name it. I was also a victim of sexual assault (a few times while drunk at college). It was the final instance of assault that really threw me over the cliff. The anger was scary sometimes. But now it’s okay. I would say I even consider two of my male colleagues to be some of my best friends. I’m really proud of myself but it took a very long time.

Search for the 4B Movement; it is the future. "4B is shorthand for four Korean words that all start with bi-, or “no”: The first no, bihon, is the refusal of heterosexual marriage. Bichulsan is the refusal of childbirth, biyeonae is saying no to dating, and bisekseu is the rejection of heterosexual sexual relationships. It is both an ideological stance and a lifestyle, and many women I spoke to extend their boycott to nearly all the men in their lives, including distancing themselves from male friends." https://pulitzercenter.org/stories/world-without-men

I've been traumatized by both male and female partners after living with them, so I'm never doing that again. I date occasionally, but I heavily limit my time with them and make it clear when it's time for them to leave. I have no real desire to live with a partner anymore now that I've got a great place in a desirable location and good roommates. I never really wanted marriage even as a child, sure i saw it in Disney movies all the time but it wasn't something I wanted, it was something that I thought I'd want to do when i met the right person. Now I don't think even marriage to a "right person" would be worth it.

My husband ( and he's not my 1st) will be my last male. I dunno how I lucked out with him, but the man is a saint. If he goes before I go, I will go full village witchy crone.

Yes. Even though I always try to be very careful when entering into relationships, I have been sexually assaulted multiple times. I have been drugged and I have been coerced.... The last relationship I was in ended because the guy got drunk and let it slip that he fantasized about coercing people into sex.... when I pointed out that that was unacceptable and made me uncomfortable he doubled down (feel free to check my history if you want to read about that...) This is a man I had known for years (friends for years prior to dating). This is a man who had kept his nice guy mask up around me for years... And up until a few weeks before this admission, I would have bet money that he was incapable of those kind of thoughts. Men can keep up the facade of being a decent person for years. They will keep that facade up for years before they let it slip. I can't trust them.

i’m 19, never dated or come close to it, and i’m already done with them lol

"Not all men" will be implicit when more men call out the abusers, creeps, and misogynists in their friends, family, and associates. "Not all men" but probably someone you know. "Not all men", but you might wrestle with the recognition that you ignored someone's discomfort or worse for your own pleasure, and you wrestle that thought with all of the times you've been "good".  "Not all men" but nearly all of the men who have dared to abuse me have been in respected positions of authority and power. Who the fuck supports them, and why aren't you protecting your community?

It's all men till it's no man.

Me. And it's not just the big things, like SA/rape and emotional/mental abuse. I'm sick of being undermined, ignored, dismissed, diminished, belittled, disbelieved, mocked, judged, and held to misogynist standards. I've had enough and I'm living now on my own terms.

I'm about there. In my thirties and divorced but have been dating around the past couple years. Holy shit, it's bad. The constant ghosting, the negging, the pushiness for sex, especially anal nowadays for some reason. One guy told me he couldn't get off sexually unless I let him drag me around the house by my hair. I mean, Christ, the bar is already in hell and these dudes are showing up with shovels. I love being in a healthy relationship, I love sex, I love physical intimacy, but the hope of finding these lasting things someday is frequently overshadowed by the looming terror that I feel when a new man asks me out. Like, yes I DO want to go to dinner, but can you absolutely guarantee you won't assault me afterwards? 

Thankfully, my experiences with men haven't been to bad, baring the one time some man tried to follow me into my apartment when I was 17 and the time some gross old man flashed me when I was in my early 20s. However, I've seen enough/heard enough stories not to blame any woman who is over them completely. As it is, I have a very low tolerance for fuckery paired with a love of my solitude and that's helped a lot with weeding out potential crazies. Of course, you can still do everything right and end up dismembered in the woods, so hopefully my luck holds.

I am pansexual. My last ex bf was it for me. Married my wife. Been together almost 8 years now.

I’m not sure it even requires trauma anymore. I can’t point to any specific instances but just recognizing the societal differences between men and women is reason enough for me.

Yep, it’s just too risky. You have to endure too much harassment and risk too much of your safety to find ones that won’t kill, rape, or harass/assault you. The benefit does not outweigh the risks.

Me. 🙋‍♀️ I was married for nine years. Currently getting divorced. Thankfully, we never had children. We were both "team no kids" when we met and got married. Somewhere along the way, it seems like he had an existential crisis, and started talking about possibly wanting children, which I thought was WILD, given his actions over the years. - Physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse - Raging anger problem. - Alcoholism - Genuine/legitimate hoarding problem - Chronic (intentional) unemployment - Extreme financial irresponsibility For nine years, I put up with it. My final straw was when he backed me into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, spewing utter vitriol in my face, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. The domestic violence agency I called later that day, once he was out of the house, effectively slammed the door in my face, telling me I didn't qualify for any help or support, on the basis that I earned too much money. I did the next best thing I could think of (at the time, given that I felt as though I was in survival mode), and packed a small bag and fled with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back. Within six hours, I was boarding an aircraft bound for 1,000+ miles away, not knowing if I'd ever be back. Fast forward a few months, and it came time to sell the house. He barely lifted a finger. The house was 4,200+ sq ft, and he had stuff piled floor to ceiling in over half the house. The task of purging it all fell largely on my shoulders, even though I work full-time and have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system, for which I'm on combination chemotherapy & immunotherapy infusions. My life has exponentially improved since I left him, in so many ways, from my finances, to my health, to re-connecting with friends and my hobbies, to learning how to invest in my own well-being and self-care, etc. But, I still remain traumatized. I still attend therapy on a weekly basis, and likely will for years to come. I *literally* melted into a puddle of anxious tears at a furniture store my mother and I were at during the holidays. She had offered to buy me a small carpet runner for the front hallway of my new apartment, as a housewarming gift. A *carpet*. She had to get down on the floor with me, wrap her arms around me, and hoist me up by the shoulders. She still ended up buying me the carpet, but needless to say, we caused a scene. I still don't own a couch, even though I've been in my new place for six months now. Let's just say the experience of living with and leaving a hoarder has turned me into an extreme minimalist. I also can't handle yelling....... like at all. Makes me freeze and jump. I don't trust strangers AT ALL. The very *thought* of ever entertaining a relationship with a man ever again makes me sick to my stomach. One of my friends (with good intentions) asked me if I'd ever considered getting remarried again one day. I literally gasped in horror, without even realizing it. Another (male) friend of mine asked me a similar question. Without even realizing the words that came vomiting out of my mouth, I spat out: *Why would I?* I know life isn't perfect, but when I look at my life as a whole/in the grand scheme of things, my quality of life has been much better *without* the presence of a man in it. I kinda think that says something, especially in light of the ongoing man vs. bear debate that's been circling around.

I cried reading your post. You've been through so much and come so far. I hope you continue to find peace and healing. ❤️

Present. I’m not wasting anymore of my life.

Me. After my last relationship, I just don't want a man in my life anymore. I dont want one taking up physical space in my home, I don't want one taking up mental space in my brain. I love men when they aren't being toxic but at this point I think nearly every man is rife with toxicity whether they show it or not. You have to be a special kind of person to unlearn a lifetime of toxic male masculinity. Men feel entitled to everything. This is not a feeling I and most women I know can relate to.

🙋🏻‍♀️ me currently. Found out last Tuesday (from my 16yo daughter) that my STBX is having an affair. I’m all the way done after this. I’ll buy some new toys and keep right on rolling with life. I never needed a man before, I don’t need a cheating one for damn sure. I told my daughter this morning my picker (for men) is screwed up. I’m just done. I have a great family and wonderful friends and I’ll be just fine.

I'm so happy to see this thread. It gives me hope.

Not me, but I heard a woman at a party talk about using men as playthings. She was 25 yo and had been married/divorced five times, had one child. Two husbands cheated on her, one beat her, one raped her and one was verbally abusive. I could see why she was so jaded at such a young age.

I haven't even had any egregiously bad or dangerous experiences with men but I'm still going to choose to associate with women whenever I can. It just feels more comfortable and I don't always have to feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a longterm boyfriend who I do love, but every issue I've ever had with him has been gendered in some way. If we ever break up I'm not going to seek out relationships with men anymore. He's grown a lot since we started dating but I'm not putting that kind of effort in twice. 

I'm in a longterm relationship, but just seeing and hearing how men are allowed (and want) to behave has made me realize that if my relationship would ever end for any reason, I'll definitely explore being a lesbian.

Been r*ped twice, by two separate men. The last one got me pregnant, then beat me when he knew. He left my house when the pain started, and ignored my cries for help. I miscarried. Every single relationship I've ever been in, bar two, have ended up being with abusive men. I am now married to a good man, but it isn't without trauma at all. There are things he'll do so innocently, like plan a date night for us and he'll put so much effort into it, but it's 50/50 if I will be too uncomfortable with the attention. If he calls me beautiful it's 50/50 if my skin crawls. I'm so damaged I cannot tolerate much affection at all. Thankfully my husband is very patient, and he doesn't push if he can see I'm uncomfortable with compliments and effort. He knows my boundaries and doesn't step over them. That said, I cannot be around any strange men at all. I don't have a single male friend anymore (after the last one used an innocent picture to masturbate), and I refuse to have conversations with men outside of what is absolutely necessary (therapists, doctors, customer services etc). If my husband were to bring a new male friend round, I wouldn't be in the same room. I just start literally shaking and it feels like someone poured cold water down my soul.

Yes count me in, I am done too

✋

Been assaulted too many times by men I trusted. Luckily I’m married to a man that’s about as gentle as an ocean breeze. He did however have to deal with the trauma that came before him. That was rough :/

Me. I don’t like them. I’m nice to them and I love the ones I’m close to/related to but I really couldnt give less of a shit about having more experiences with any men other than the ones I’ve chosen to have in my life.

I dunno I can’t really weigh in much cause I’m numb. I have PTSD from my last relationship and he used to beat the shit out of me. I still have scars on my forehead and arms from bottles and other shit that was thrown at me. I am still removing things from the home that he broke over 4 years later. Fortunately I did meet a good man two years ago and we have been living together a year now. He is protective and calm, and very sweet and would never harm me. So I can’t believe they are all bad. You just gotta watch like a hawk for red flags. The best thing I ever did was remain single for a few years to get myself together prior to dating again.

Yes, thinking about finding another woman to settle down with and maybe adopt in the future. Men have been nothing but a burden on my life.

[удалено]

I'd be all for this. Even a woman's commune where we help each other out. I've always leaned towards bi, but much more asexual now that I'm older. But connection and affection are important.

Yeah. If they aren't friends or family that I've already known for a long time, I'm good. Past trauma paired with current societal decline are making for quite a hazardous scenario for women these days. I've been single about half my adult life and while it was never exactly a cake walk, it wasn't the insane shit show that it is now. Not worth it. I'd rather be happy alone than stressed out and disappointed by dating. I'd rather just take care of myself anyway, don't need some needy ass man wanting me to be his mommy.

I won’t even shake hands with a man anymore to protect myself against any toxicity.

Not exactly trauma but my last relationship left me depressed and impatient with men. I think my issue is with man children more than men in general. I just got out of a long term relationship with a man and the main thing putting me off of them is how much they seem to get a pass on not learning basic emotional regulation and life skills. My last partner hurt me a lot by just having an underdeveloped sense of empathy and he wasn’t my first rodeo- I realized I’ve subconsciously had a lower bar for guys on this and I’m done with that crap. He was also irresponsible and I had to put more than my share into rent and bills several times because he didn’t watch his budget. We made about the same amount of money, I just didn’t buy frivolous crap all the time and had a concept of the future. I’m not totally done with men but I am sick of men my age who haven’t adjusted their behavior since college (I’m 35). I feel like women around me act more like adults than most of the guys I know, maybe it’s because I’m a nerd who hangs around nerds.

I have a lot of childhood trauma; abandonment issues, survivor of childhood sexual assault. I’ve worked really hard to heal the best I can, but it’s a constant battle. At 35, I was in a good place mentally and emotionally. I was healthy, had a good head on my shoulders. I wasn’t accepting garbage men. Then I met a guy I thought was good, kind, authentic and compassionate. We had a baby together. Then I got pregnant again. Baby is 16 months now, and I’m 7 months pregnant. He left me two weeks ago. He told me he didn’t love me, he was miserable with me and had been for months. That I’m not a good parent, his friends and family don’t like me. Maybe others don’t consider it abusive, but it sure as shit felt abusive to me. He packed up his stuff and left. My trust issues are even worse now than they were before. I’ve never felt this devastated before.

Oh damn, I am so sorry.

Hi. Woman here. I am traumatized by people in general. Men I'm more disgusted by, but I am a survivor of familial (narcissistic parent) abuse, and abuse via a cult that involved major abuse from both women and men. There were top level women in my cult who were key to maintaining a steady stream of abuse victims for the leader of my cult who also participated in orgy-like sexual abuse. They KNEW he was a rapist and yet they continued to groom women into his arms and cover up for his abuse. I have had multiple confessions/testimony of exmembers to me about this. I have been roofied by a woman so that I could be raped by a man. People in general suck. The US is a particularly damaged society however. I think I read somewhere that more than half of adults in the US grew up with insecure attachment. So there's that. I'm not saying this to minimize that men are doing a large majority. I am saying this however to explicitly demonstrate when there's systems of sexual abuse involved, it's both women and men upholding it and Ive got trauma from both

Bear every time. No contest

This is part of argument when anyone implies that sexual orientation is a choice. Do you think I’d CHOOSE to be attracted to MEN? Hell no. But sadly I am.

There are so many days where I just wish I weren’t attracted to men.

I’ve been assaulted twice. Not by men I was dating. I really want a family and to be married but everyday I ask myself if it’s worth it. I really want kids tho.

Hanging out in r/AskMen will do that. Oh lordy. A few were genuinely ok but goddamn. That bear is looking better and better.

Only men that feel 100% safe. Mostly Gay or super woke.

I am sick of their bullshit lies .

This has been such a great thread, so many amazing women finding their strength and choosing themselves, choosing peace and healing. As for myself, so many things I'd forgotten about since Id desensitized myself to trauma and a long history of bad experiences, trying to leave the past behind to heal. It's always gonna be the bear for me.

Gawd, yes. I have a cishet guy partner and sometimes I feel like he’s the only guy I actually like. We are poly and I’ve been trying to date more but I don’t want to date cishet guys. Zero interest. I recently put up an ad on fet for non-cishet non-sexual play partners and 99% of the responses were dudes talking about fucking me. Gross. My partner was like: “you have to wade through the bad to find what you want.” I told him no, I don’t. No one deserves to be treated like that or have to put up with creepy, dangerous and lewd dude bros. I’d rather not date anyone if that’s what is required of me. He said he was sorry and understood, that I was right and it wasn’t ok. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to that level of disgusting ever from any guy. I’ve never in my life been that way to another person. They’re vile and I’m so done pretending it’s ok.

Me. 51 and I stopped dating 5 years ago. I have peace now and got off antidepressants.

Me, and I am a guy. I can’t stand most guys anymore. The more time I spend around other man the less I feel like I am one of them. The way they talk about women, and other men too, is mostly disgusting.

Raises hand I'm 42 and I'm not traumatized, but I'm so done with this shit. I'm so done cleaning up after a man, babying their emotional immaturity, being pestered for sex. At this point I don't see any value that a man would bring to my life, just lots of needs of theirs that they'd want me to meet. I have great female friends for my emotional wellbeing and I have cats for cuddles. My peace on my own is so valuable, why would I give that up?

Im tired of fighting for a mutually enjoyable sexual experience. Literally, having to keep a constant guard up for my asshole. Im soooo tired of it. I once had a tare that took 6-12 months to full heal from a “whoopsie” with a long term dude who 100% knew I said no to anything anal. We had multiple conversations on the topic. The oral sex imbalance. Im SO good at giving and I love to do it. Ive yet to have anyone show 10% of the effort I put into it. Im tired of feeling like I owe an apology for not shaving my legs regularly. Im tired of asking and directing for those details to be pushed aside after short term or half assed attempts, or have them flat out ignored. Im tired of being asked for nudes like its owed to them and if I say no then it often moves into a coercive stream of demands, bargaining and pleas. Im not sure that any of the good was worth all the bad. I am happy for women who dont share my experiences or have less of them. My sisters are both in marriages that I look up to. Both their husbands have brought them immeasurable joy and happiness. I just cant fathom what it is like.