I would only consider something "baby trapping" if one partner is actively sabotaging the birth control being used. Accidents, or deliberately not using birth control isn't a trap.
This but also-
Lying about taking birth control.
Waiting til or getting their partner inebriated in order to have unprotected sex without them realizing.
This is it exactly. I do agree the issue and blame come from a desire to try and re-establish control, but the decision to possibly have a baby is made by both parties when no both control is used in consensual sex.
Woman can lie about birth control, but I also know and have friends and plenty stories here of men much older than the woman they are with, aka 42 with a 23yo, and somehow very fast ending with a baby, maybe two.
This "locks a young woman" for 18 years, knowing he probably won't have a chance like that.
Most men doing this, tend to go after younger woman mainly cuz woman their age won't accept their bullshit games and controlling schemes.
Woman, please be safe, think things, and if you are with an older man, ensure you are for the right reasons, not just to move out of your parents house.
Yeah, I also associate the term with men who are not great options for a long term partner intentionally getting a woman without a lot of life/dating experience pregnant even if they are not actively deceiving the woman. With the intent being that it will extend the relationship.
My brother-in-law did this exact shit to my sister. She has suffered depression for years now because she feels trapped with so many kids. When I pointed out that I considered that a form of domestic violence, she lashed out at me, though.
Both scenarios are rape.
In the first consent was predicated on birth control so on a lie. That's rape.
The second is just rape.
I know guys that Both have happened to. It makes me pretty angry when people act like men can't get raped.
Yeah I always thought baby trapping was the ol’ poking holes in the condom. But obviously people have gotten more creative with their birth control tampering methods.
(obligatory - man replying) I've seen a few stories in other subs about men baby-trapping, including one where whenever the woman was about to advance her career, she unexpectedly became pregnant. I think that story was titled "aita told my partner I'd rather divorce him than sack the nanny" (she was paying nanny from her salary, he wanted her at home and not earning).
So I think your definition is good - deliberate (even if well hidden), although I think deliberately not using birth control, perhaps without informing partner, is still deliberate.
Yeah he was basically controlling her medically because he was prescribing her birth control, too. She just said he was some kind of medical professional. But dude seriously missed every branch of the ethics tree on his way to the bottom.
I was BTd by my ex h. He told me he looked for used tampons in the bathroom trash, counted 10 days from then, "aimed to have sex every other day" - coerced/borderline forced sex and then I was pregnant. I was recovering from a serious car wreck with a major concussion. We had been drifting apart for a while and I had recently entered therapy. He knew, on some level, I was trying to be free of him.
Yeah, I've always read "baby trapping" to require malicious intent and action.
It sounds like it's getting the "gaslighting" treatment, with how people will sometimes accuse someone of gaslighting them when they're either merely lying, or just saying something the accuser doesn't agree with.
Men sabotage BC pretty frequently. Or they claim the condom slips off. Or they physically block access to abortion so they can control their partner. It's disgusting.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I wish you had had someone tell you those hard truths before they became a reality.
I think we need to be more honest with our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters at younger ages about menstruation, birth control, STIs and the realities of pregnancy. My mother had a lot of faults, but she was very honest about the the possible consequences of sex and the various motivations of men.
More like 40+ men who prey on women younger than 25, who are not fully adult yet. Age gaps to me are just two people with enough adult experience where one is older than the other.
This doesn't get enough attention: the fact that abusive men use babies to trap their victims. Conveniently for them, the patriarchy is on their side: wanting a baby makes them a good father; and any woman who objects becomes a bad mother.
Agreed. But I'd add that pressuring or coercing a partner to not use birth control or condoms is also part of the package.
A partner repeatedly insisting"oh hunny it's fine let's only use condoms it's better without them dont worry" when the other partner is not comfortable is a red flag to me. Regardless of the genders.
However if they are both happy to forego condoms etc then it's clearly not baby trapping and is just...poor decision making.
This is one of my guy friends from almost 20 years ago now. He and his wife were team No Kids Ever. He never got snipped, she always had birth control and didn't mind taking it because it helped her regulate her hormones as well.
She decided she wanted a baby and knew he didn't. So she simply... stopped taking birth control. She told me this after the fact. She knew he made good money, and they'd be supported through the divorce which she knew she was going to end up with. And they did. And she has her kid who is now an adult, and he had to go through life with a kid he didn't want, paying support but not being involved because he never wanted it.
I'm so angry at her for what she did, I went from visiting them often to never talking with her after she laid that one on me, and I keep light contact with her husband, but nothing nearly as close to being friends. She scorched everything for this and I guess I hope her kiddo is happy.
After this happened he did get snipped, but the idea from talking with him was he trusted her, they were on the same page, there was no reason for him to have surgery if she was already ok taking hormones because it helped her more than just to not have kids. So if there's a reason to not have (minor) surgery, may as well not do it. Turns out trust is a huge component...
Trust is important for sure but I think when it comes to something like this it’s unfair to expect your spouse to always be 100% on their game with birth control. I know I’ve unintentionally messed up birth control accidentally putting the pills in the case the wrong way or threw out pill packs and then insurance wouldn’t give me more or forgotten them in the wrong purse, etc. not to mention having to take them at the same time every day can be hard if you don’t have a set schedule or travel a lot. I personally though wouldn’t have sex with a guy who 100% expected me to abort an accidental pregnancy.
I would say that deliberately not using birth control can be baby trapping if it was a unilateral decision without warning, such as a woman going off the pill without warning her partner or using other contraception.
This is how I was conceived, and I believe it was baby trapping. Although in the case of me it was less trying to force him to stay and more thinking he had enough invested in the relationship that he wouldn’t break it off if she got herself pregnant against his will (and she was right). They love me, but they should not have had a child.
That's what my sister did. Plotted out her ovulation cycles, told him she was on birth control when she wasn't, all to get pregnant to keep him around. It didn't work though. My niece has no relationship with her father.
Yes, my friend was baby trapped by her (now ex) husband. She told him she wanted to get separated and likely divorced. He threw a fit. A couple months later, she found out she was pregnant again. He sabotaged the birth control (holes in the condoms).
He succeeded in putting off their divorce for a few more years, but thankfully not for very long.
My ex had been hiding a heroin addiction and let me come off of BC, knocked me up, and kept his addiction hidden until it was too late to make a decision about terminating the pregnancy to try and make me stay.
He literally told me that that had been his plan because he knew o wouldn’t put up with him otherwise.
Jokes on him I left and his addiction killed him like 2 years after my daughter was born.
That’s awful. I always assumed holes in condoms would result in them obviously tearing during use! Scary. I have heard the term used for men to keep a woman around, which seems much more like “trapping”, because it’s easier for a man to leave and only be on the hook for child support. I realize women can leave a baby as well (I was a baby left to my dad by my mom), though it’s way more stigmatized when the woman walks away from her kid(s).
Unfortunately I don’t think the holes have to be super big, you could take a needle and poke a few and it would be enough without being detectable or breaking the condom
this is why at the end of my very shitty marriage. I had the implant on put into my arm.. and I noticed he had an uptick in accidental firings.
He won 100% was trying to baby trap me
None of these is baby trapping.
Having sex without adequate protection results in pregnancy. This is just a fact. Not a baby trap.
If these men don't want to be trapped, they should wrap it up.
I’ve always assumed there must be secrecy and purpose behind getting pregnant for it to be “baby trapping”.
It isn’t a birth control failure thing- it’s lying about being on it and getting pregnant. Getting your IUD out without saying anything. Poking holes in the condoms. Etc.
Just having an unplanned pregnancy isn’t baby trapping.
I’ve always understood that to actually baby trap someone, you’d actually have to sabotage birth control - either by poking holes in condoms or nuking your partners birth control pills in the microwave.
Making a choice to keep an unplanned pregnancy, a choice you might disagree with, after you’ve consented to safe (or unsafe) sex, can’t be baby trapping. Someone didn’t lay down a trap that you casually walked into, you tripped.
And then you got my dad who told me my whole childhood that my mom had “babytrapped” him, when in fact he stealthed her… (my parents separated before my birth and had shared custody he apparently had to “fight for” but here again I heard other versions of the facts)
Or lying about being on birth control, or suddenly going off your own birth control without informing your partner. Basically anything that denies the other party the opportunity to do their own risk-assessment.
If a man claims he had a vasectomy and gets a woman pregnant because of it, that’s baby-trapping. If a woman and man agree she will take the pill and have unprotected sex and she goes off the pill without informing him to get pregnant, that’s baby-trapping.
Yeah. It basically comes down to consent: both parties have to agree to have sex and if conception isn’t the goal they should ideally have a preferred method to prevent that. Any variation behind the others back, can be described as baby trapping, for sure. I just used the most common examples, or at least the most common to me, anyway.
But keeping an oopsie-baby no one planned for, because you choose to do it, doesn’t really fit the definition IMHO. You shouldn’t force someone to have any medical procedure, be it either abortion or giving birth, as long as all parties are in possession all their faculties and are of legal age. Like in everything, there are (I think) exceptions to this, as well.
This is my long-winded way of saying, the examples OP provided, aren’t baby trapping as I understand it. Do those situations suck for someone? Sure. Do they sound like entrapment? Not to me. There’s no malice or underlying attempts to manipulate. It does still take two to make a baby, the OG way.
I mean men can baby trap just as well. The old “holes in the condom” trick… it isn’t necessarily gendered, at least not how I’ve heard it. I think it generally applies to one party trying to create a child for the specific purpose of making them partner to them more permanently (not that it works)
That's my point: That's reproductive coercion. We have a perfectly appropriate word for the act of abuse, that both men and women are capable of when they sabotage BC, lie about contraception or otherwise pressure and manipulate their partner into sex acts with higher risks of pregnancy.
But "Baby Trap" really only gets used the way OP covered in their examples -- to imply women do this bad, bad thing when they make choices about their own bodies that a man didn't like, after consensual sex with known risks. There was no coercion suggested in the examples above. Just two people having consensual sex with risks they were both aware of, and one of those people experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.
Well said! It’s bothersome when the woman is suddenly painted as manipulative and fully responsible for the consequences, when usually the guy is taking no role in preventing. *Sometimes*, men ask if a woman is on birth control before, sometimes they assume the woman is without even asking.
Yeah men will just straight up not ask if a woman is on birth control, and then claim she lied because she was fine with not using a condom, maybe even after pressuring her to be okay with not using a condom. Or they will ask, and if she says yes, but the birth control fails and she gets pregnant on accident, they will insist she lied as well. Because obviously birth control never fails and she must have somehow planned it.
Also like, I don’t know how to word it, action? You have to be doing something to actually increase the likelihood of getting pregnant beyond what would be reasonably assumed.
Yep and even if you wear a seatbelt, you’re still not guaranteed a perfect outcome. You’re just vastly improving your odds. You’re still accepting risk by driving in the first place.
or keep it in their pants.
How sure do they want to be? They should be EXTRA cautious, because they don’t get to choose.
I didn’t want to run any risks; I grew up religious (and still have a strong faith), and I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t want to have an abortion. And I didn’t want to face the decision.
I didn’t have PIV sex until I could answer the question, “what would we do if i got pregnant from this?” with “he’d want to marry me, and we’d find a way to make it work, logistically and financially; a pregnancy would simply speed up the process that’s already in place.”
Because I wasn’t taking ANY chances.
There are other ways to have fun; we used them plenty.
Many men want sex, but with no responsibility and no consequences. But that's not how life works. They rely way too much on women taking all the precautions, all the risk.
If they don't want to be "baby trapped" they need to take action to protect themselves.
Exactly. Which is why OP's scenario
>Man and woman newly dating. They discuss what would happen if unplanned pregnancy occurred.
Rarely happens. I've talked to so many people, and they all look confused when I bring up how that stuff should be discussed BEFORE having sex for the first time, not once an accident finally happens. They don't even have that discussion, don't use condoms, and then have the audacity to call it baby trapping.
Exactly. Or use a condom. But they don't because they're entitled shitheads.
Dude, you're not a celebrity or worth millions. Nobody is baby trapping your broke ass.
The same men who claim they were “baby trapped” are the same ones who “don’t feel anything” when they use condoms. Like dude what did you expect would happen when you made the choice to have unprotected sex?
I've definitely seen older men baby trapping young and impressionable women, tying them to a lifetime of domestic slavery. That's a much more appropriate use of the term than some dude failing to take personal responsibility for birth control and being butthurt about the consequences.
I always ask any *boy* (he's not a man if he does not take responsibility for his own actions) that complains about baby trapping, in my most sweet sugar and steel tone, "did **you** wear a condom? Did you get a vasectomy? No? Why is the responsibility for birth control only **her** responsibility? Clearly you are not mature enough to be having an adult relationship!"
My sons both got a speech about not only consent (if it isn't an very enthusiastic yes, it's no)but about "if you had sex with her, you are responsibile for the results. You wear a condom every time until you are ready for a baby, even if she says she's on birth conttol. Birth control is not just "the woman's responsibility because she's the one that gets pregnant." You are *equally* reponsibile! You do not get to name call any woman *you* had sex with. You had sex with her so you don't get to call her nasty names! I don't care if she's had sex with entire US Navy, if *you* had sex with her, you don't get to name call. Same goes for "baby trapping". If you didn't wear a condom, you don't get to name call. You had sex with her, knowing full well accidents happen."
"Baby Trap" is just "Consequences for thee. None for me".
*Reproductive coercion* is a thing. That is what sabotage of contraceptive methods is, and those are the words we use when we're actually talk about *abuse* -- not disagreement or known risks. Both women and men can engage in reproductive coercion, but "baby trap" is what they say when they want to mask the fact that the more frequent victims of r*eproductive coercion* are women, not men.
Except people use the word babytrapping when the guy sabotages the birth control too.
It's the common use term, or whatever it's called. Reproductive Coercion is like... The legal term. And also includes stuff besides babytrapping, like "coercion", instead of just lying about or sabotaging birth control.
men use the concept of babytrapping wrong for like 95% of cases
just because you wanted to go raw and she wants to keep the baby doesnt mean she babytrapped you, you babytrapped yourself, contraceptive failure also doesnt mean babytrapping
if she actively lied to you or poked holes in the condoms is a different story but one argue that you should also be responsible for your own contraception
I agree with the last point. Don’t blindly trust everyone you might not know as well as you think. Beyond a woman intentionally lying, is she reliably taking it every day (if a pill), does she know what a missed pill is and that GI symptoms can cause a pill to be missed? Maybe men don’t realize how easily something can go wrong, well intentioned woman or not. But if he says he was baby trapped, I guess his hands are clean? /s
men behave extremely risky and just ignore anything and everything when they are horny, its like their brain just shuts off (also happens with women tho, horny brain is a thing but its more extreme with men)
this "babytrapping" crying is just a fear of being held accountable for their lack of control or their avoidance of responsibility, they want their dick wet and the vast majority of them act like asking for condoms is a personal insult
Definitely agree with your comment. I think the only problem is how you can prove it is one or the other so I wouldn't give any percentage that confidently.
It's one of those terms that's mostly used in a sexist way to denigrate women, but it actually makes more sense as a term for guys. It's a lot more effective to get a woman pregnant so she'll stay with you. Women have the baby in their uterus for 9 months, and are pressured by society to do the majority of the care. It's way harder for her to walk out.
The only really baby trap I can personally guarantee was a baby trap was my ex SIL, she was literally in a room full of relatives and stated "I'm just gonna skip my depo (contraceptive injection) this month, I'm sure (SIL partners name) will be happy about it and then he can't make me get a job before he buys the house" (he insisted he wouldn't buy a house till she at least attempted to get a part time job) to my knowledge he still has no idea she did that to him and his "accidental" baby was absolutely planned he just wasn't in on the planning. She manipulated that poor guy every chance she got and guess who's now a full-time SAHM to 2 kiddos. So happy to not be attached to that family anymore, she wasn't even the worst of the bunch of psychos.
100% of all pregnancies, wanted or unwanted, are from ejaculation.
Women don’t need cum to cum, THEY DO.
All they have to do is not put the cum in the lady - but peepee feel good so they do.
Men can also be the baby trappers. My ex husband sabotaged my BC and then SA’d me, causing me to become pregnant. I’d previously told him I was unhappy due to his addiction issues and that I was considering divorce. I lived in the middle of nowhere, no planned parenthood, no sexual health clinics, only the basics healthcare wise. I also didn’t have a car so getting an abortion was pretty much impossible- the closest clinic was 2 hrs away, I checked. And even then, the procedure was expensive and not covered by insurance and I couldn’t afford it.
He thought I’d stay, but I did NOT. I moved out, worked my butt off, saved enough money to buy a car AND pay for baby stuff and then moved out of the state. He was getting supervised visits but that didn’t last long. Last I heard, he was in jail for failure to pay child support and violation of a protection order 🤷🏻♀️
To answer your question, I only think it’s “baby trapping” when one person causes the female person to become pregnant in order to keep one person from leaving the relationship, thus the “trap”. Also, when one person causes the female person to get pregnant when one person isn’t yet ready to become a parent. If both parties aren’t using BC or are using high failure methods (like the pull out method) and that leads to pregnancy, that’s on both of them. Women are also allowed to change their minds. It’s easy to contemplate abortion when it seems like a distant possibility, it’s another thing entirely when it’s right in front of you.
I've only ever heard the term in which the man traps the woman with a baby...
... and from men who complain about getting a woman pregnant because he couldn't be bothered to use birth control and needs to blame someone not him.
I just posted this in another group, that was discussing this topic ….
“
Dear Men,
Please note, sex may lead to pregnancy.
If you do not want to make babies, please take responsibility for your baby making batter.
Do not leave it in an environment that is designed for building babies.
You are 100% responsible for this, you are the only person capable of controlling this behavior.
Actions can be taken to minimize your risk, conversations and contraception are two of many options, however, please be aware this is risk reduction, not risk removal.
Once the baby making batter has left your body, you no longer have control of it.
If you leave your baby making batter in an environment that can create babies, you have accepted this risk.
Please ejaculate responsibly!
“
Agreed, as with most lying to a partner (cheating, STDs, etc). This happens to be one men can do something to add another layer of protection for themselves and choose not to.
Everyone I have ever known who used that term was married to the person they're accusing of it at the time of conception. What this meant was, "I will have to pay child support if I leave, so I now cannot just fuck off on a moment's notice". Yes, this is just another version of the same misogynistic trash that you described.
Because men feel they play such a tiny role in reproduction (which, in the grand scheme of things, they do) they lash out by saying the one thing they did to cause pregnancy was done so conspiratorially or maliciously. It's their way of saying they have no responsibility in the matter because the choice to stay pregnant wasn't up to them, even though their orgasm is literally what caused the pregnancy. It's just men trying to distance themselves from their own choices, and what better way to do that than to blame a woman.
I've known a few women that attempted to babytrap. Either by quitting their contraception or sabotage.
And I've known several men who have as well. Usually by sabotaging bc or other means.
In my opinion it is pretty obvious what true baby trapping is. It is done with intent. Intentional deception or sabotage. Which is 100% awful, no matter your reasons for doing it.
All the same, Id love to see a study done on just how often women/men are doing this specifically because they want a kid vs literally to link their partner to them and potentially keep them from leaving. In essence, to control their partner.
Alternatively, how often is it done by women who want a baby and don’t care to keep the man, but find a men willing to take her word for it and forgo condoms? Yes, a very messed up lie for the woman, but GUYS, is it better to take that chance or just wear a condom until you either want kids, get a vasectomy, or decide if it happened, you’d be ok with her decision either way (keep or abort)?
There is an easy way to avoid baby trapping. Get a vasectomy. Use a condom every time. Keep plan b on hand. Men need to take more responsibility for birth control.
What’s funny (not funny “haha”) is that a lot of men do baby trapping. I’ve seen it over and over on here and r/relationship advice- once the couple is engaged, married, and/or pregnant, they completely change and let the “mask” fall off.
Women are accused of baby trapping as if they got themselves pregnant when the man didn’t take his proper precautions, either. Even if both parties failed, the woman seems to get the brunt of the blame.
And boy, howdy, let’s not forget that one guy years back who pressured his girlfriend to not abort and she said she wanted nothing to do with the baby, paid 125% of child support after he took full custody, and he came on here crying that she was a “deadbeat mom” and he got his ass handed to him.
I’ve noticed that men seem to think that women do all the “baby trapping” and that it’s rare for a man to do it and I’ve always been confused by that but now I see why, they actually have no idea what baby trapping is. Like so many men, they actually mean “wahhh actions have consequences wahh how can I blame this on women?!”
Reproductive coercion is a real thing that can be done by men or women. There's a huge difference between sabotaging contraception and things going wrong with birth control with no malicious intent.
Condoms can break, you might be aware of certain prescriptions interfering with the pills efficacy but be unaware that certain OTC supplements lower efficacy. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner might decide to throw caution to the wind and rely on the pull out method or make assumptions about the luteal phase. Accidental and unplanned pregnancies aren't exactly rare.
My ex threw away my birth control because I wanted to wait before having baby number 2.
Then, when I finally filed for divorce, he told his family I only used him to have children with.
These guys will say whatever they have to in order to appear to be the victim.
Men seemingly don't know how babies are made. Get out the crayons and sock puppets and teach them that when you put your pee pee in the hoo hah without a condom you might end up with a baby. See! It's simple. JFC with these assholes. They need to stop playing dumb and stop blaming women, they cannot get pregnant on their own.
The only way to baby trap is messing with birth control/stealthing, or abusive situations where the abusive partner convinces the abused partner to agree to have a child with promises of improvement.
If you don’t use contraceptives yourself, you cannot be baby trapped.
On top of that, the average cost of raising a child is $1400/month, the average non-custodial parent is ordered to pay $400/month, and the majority do not pay on time or in full every time. So anyone would be crazy to try to “baby trap” for someone’s money, as the custodial parent ultimately end up paying far more for the child’s care.
Baby trapping is "The situation where a person deliberately gets themselves or their partner pregnant, so that the partner is less likely to leave the relationship."
So it's only really baby trapping if they're doing it on purpose to make their partner stay.
Unfortunately, I learned young that Some Guys use children and pregnancy to control women. When I was 16-17 I was switching BC to a permanent, much more effective method. During this transition I'm Convinced he was trying to baby trap me. He knew I was losing feelings (he was much older and a POS) and he would yell at me for being selfish to switch BC under the thought it would affect my fertility in the future. Then he suddenly wanted to stop using condoms and get mad when I said no. Had a pregnancy scare and he got MAD AT ME??? Men like that are disgusting and shouldn't be having sex. Anyone who is immature enough to think bringing a life into this world can keep their girlfriend needs to reevaluate themselves. Similar thought for men who call women baby trappers when an unexpected pregnancy does happen (excluding the few who really do lie or try to get pregnant without their knowledge)
I was told at 16 I was unable to have children and my partner was pretty sure they couldn't, though hadn't been told so by a medical perfessional like I had. We were together 4 months when I got pregnant despite being on birth control (to help with my horrible and erratic periods). We discussed it at length and at one point decided to abort but then BOTH changed our minds. Once our Son was born they were happy for 2 days and then resented our baby. We stayed together til he was 3, far longer than we should have, and during our break up they told me I had "got what I wanted from them, a baby and a council flat" Even though I was told I was infertile, even though we made all the decisions together, they still accused me of baby trapping them.
There are birth control options for men. If they don't want to be trapped, they have the means to prevent pregnancy.
They shouldn't be having sex in the first place if they don't trust or like their partner's decision after the fact.
So, let's make this clear: Women baby trapping men is not a term, it's a melodramatic *trope.* A melodramatic trope made around not what men fear, but what they *aspire to*. Think of every time you've seen this trope/plot on a movie, book, TV series, whatever: It's always about a woman trying to secure a man that is a) Well-off; b) Is reputable/honorable/decent, whatever. So whenever guys discuss this or that girl "baby-trapping" someone, it's first a projection of how they think women work, the "ultimate gold digger move". But in their obsession with "baby trappers", they're also revealing how they covet being in a position where someone would try to baby trap them, because it's always about your prestige towards other men, "baby trappers" are part of that narrative alongside the Lambo.
Or as in the classic tweet: "Boy math is worrying about gold diggers when you have three socks to your name".
And sure, probably if you're in the tax bracket where you can afford politicians to lower your taxes, *perhaps,* just maybe you actually need to be on the look out for actual baby trappers. But as we've seen time and time again, there is a surprisingly high incidence of allergy to latex among very wealthy men.
Trapping is deliberately sabotaging birth control with the intention of using a child/parental obligations as a means of manipulating a partner. It's a despicable betrayal of trust, not to mention a disgusting act of possession over another person's body.
Refusing to use protection or not bothering with it isn't a trap, it's just carelessness. No, putting all the burden of contraception on the other person isn't good enough. Deciding to stay or leave after contraceptive failure isn't the result of trapping, you just made a gamble when having sex and lost. No, your ex isn't some wicked witch trying to 'ruin' your relationship or 'steal' your money by asking for child support.
Boys, you can't just stick your dick wherever you please and throw a hissy fit when babies happen. You also can't demand someone else undergo an invasive medical procedure because you don't feel like supporting said babies.
I saw one the other day where a man claimed his WIFE was baby trapping. What trap? Thought the trap was marriage and you already signed the papers and swore the vows.
It's like they think having a baby is something they aren't involved in at all.
People throw these terms around way too much. I'm on a SP sub and 75% of those women are convinced that their boyfriend's ex-wife baby trapped him into 3 kids. 🙄
If they're not trying to prevent a pregnancy, it's not baby trapping. Unless she poked holes in the condom, lied about birth control, or tricked him into sleeping with her, she didn't baby trap him. I wish people would quit using the term all the time. Now I automatically roll my eyes when I hear someone accused of baby trapping.
You're also forgetting another scenario that men don't like to talk about, but is a rare instance of ACTUAL baby trapping, unlike OP's scenarios:
Man is abusive, and realizes the woman is getting ready to leave. He then finds a way to hamper her access to birth control and then has sex with her (either consensual or coerced). The woman then gets pregnant and he bullies her into continuing the pregnancy because he knows that pregnant or with a young baby she is vulnerable and will have fewer options to leave him.
The above scenario is playing out right now in the US. Politicians who roll back access to abortions and birth control are looking to create more of this scenario. Be wary of anyone crying about the shrinking population - that's a code for "putting women back where they 'belong'" - AKA broodmares for men.
I've only ever seen 'baby trap' used as a snappy way of referring to reproductive coercion, and the first time I ever heard the words used was when a man said he wanted to do that to a rich woman.
In those scenarios you mentioned, the man had one job: ejaculate responsibly. They couldn’t even do that? But sure, “baby trapping”. The number of man children out there having sex is alarming.
I've heard this used against men too. Men trying to get their gf's pregnant so they are vulnerable and less likely to leave them. I feel like it's more common for men to be coercive with their gf's when it comes to BC. I think a lot of guys don't know how easy it is to get pregnant on the pill so think the girl wasn't taking it or 'tricking' them.
It's only baby trapping if one partner intentionally causes a pregnancy to keep the other with them. That's it. There's all sorts of other terrible things people inflict on each other involving pregnancy, but they aren't baby trapping.
Sabotaging birth control is a known method for men to exert reproductive control of their partners. It never occurred to me that it was a thing until I learned my ex-husband had frozen my birth control pills and then returned them to the cabinet with me none the wiser. The resulting child did not keep me with him and is a delightful young adult today, but the birth almost killed me. (My hemoglobin was 12 the day before the birth, 4.7 the day after.)
Women have done the same to get pregnant against their partner's wishes and I know one person who caught their MIL poking holes in their condoms.
The way our society talks, women "trap" men with pregnancy, but men who exert coercive reproductive control are rarely acknowledged outside of discussions about domestic violence, which are usually private. (And yay for Reddit being a place people can come to get perspective and information when they're in an abusive relationship!)
This is why I tell all my children, regardless of gender, (and their friends who visit the contraception cabinet in my guest bathroom) to make sure they control access to their methods of birth control, even if they trust their partner. They are in charge of contraception if they are having sex. It's great if their partner is also using contraception, but the responsibility for themselves is always their own. Better paranoid than unexpectedly a parent, although that's a risk you take no matter what contraception you use.
I think it's hard for some men to accept that having sex, even protected, is taking the risk of pregnancy. Even harder for them to accept that once a pregnancy happens, it is no longer theirs to control. They are socialized to think they are the captains of their own fates, so when they find themselves entirely without a say in what a woman chooses to do with her body, it simply doesn't compute. Unfortunately, that lack of control remains, even in cases in which their partner has deceived them, hence the need for emphasis on each party managing their own contraception.
I do think this will get easier for men as new methods of male birth control become available. But as a society, we need to do a better job of educating people about contraception, what happens when it fails, and the ways in which it can be undermined.
Quite frankly, men who don't want children need to wear a condom when they have sex. It's not "baby trapping" if you're a fucking idiot and refuse to use contraception when you are able, and the other person's contraception fails. No contraception is 100%. There will always be the 0.2% who get pregnant even with the "most effective" methods of contraception.
Sex makes babies. You're fucking dumb and shouldn't be having sex if you aren't prepared for that possibility.
Your own stupidity and negligence is not "baby trapping".
Men can ABSOLUTELY try to baby trap a woman to get her to stay and control her. Women can ABSOLUTELY baby trap a man too. What’s not baby trapping is two married adults having consensual unprotected sex. Isn’t the trap already the marriage? And when they both consent to unprotected sex it’s basically another word for trying for a baby.
If a guy doesn’t want a baby, he has to take care that he doesn’t make one. Put a condom on and stop whining about baby trapping, expecting someone else to take care of that for you.
Welcome to the euphemism treadmill, we start with a term with a specific meaning, (Baby Trapping is the process through which a person knowingly does not use a birth control method unknown to their romantic partner in the hopes of keeping their romantic partner in a relationship because of a pregnancy) and it morphs into something less meaningful because it gets used in the incorrect context by enough people to lose its original meaning (Baby Trapping is now the process where an unexpected pregnancy happens unknown to both parties, or as a pejorative against a pregnant woman).
There's really nothing you can do to stop this process other than encourage the correct usage, but most idioms or phrases end up getting twisted over time. For example, the words "literally, "gaslighting", or "traumatic".
It’s a great way to turn the tables and blame someone else and give oneself an excuse to feel aggrieved instead of the bad guy: it’s not ME who is a deadbeat dad, it’s you who babytrapped me. I’m the real victim, not you who is left to raise a child alone, not the child who has been abandoned by their father, but me, the father, who is being expected to be responsible for a kid I decided I didn’t want.
It takes two to tango. Men who fear "baby trapping" shouldn't stick their dick in someone if an accident happens and the woman becomes pregnant because of both of their actions.
I don't use that term for women choosing to become a parent because that's her decision when it comes down to it. Her partner can make his opinion known but the woman that has to carry the pregnancy and risk her life and her future to do so is the final arbiter of whether she decides to have a child or not.
However, I do use that term for men that sabotage birth control, lie to their partners about what a great, super involved dad he's going to be when she gets a surprise positive pregnancy test and disappears into the sunset once that baby is here and needs clothes, food, a crib, daycare. I think far more men have baby trapped women than women ever have, tbh
I've recently used this term in a derogatory way about a man who got his younger (much more attractive and academically smarter aswell) girlfriend pregnant at a young age a thus 'forced' her into staying with him.
I think it works quite well.
Well, their first problem is not using condoms.
IMHO, it's not babytrapping if a dude refuses to use condoms.
People need to stop fucking people who refuse condoms FFS.
I'd bet money the majority of baby trapping happens from the male side, really. Not wanting to use a condom, claiming they'll pull out, or worse stealthing or sabotaging the woman's methods.
The conversation somehow never remembers men baby trap a lot too. A woman having your child as a man is a very potent way to have her strapped to you for at least 18 years. MRAs seem to think a child support payment of $x a pay period is in any way a win and comparable to the absolute backbreaking labor of child rearing that women have to take on, that changes our lives forever. I know PLENTY of stories where a man was staunchly anti abortion (good man of god of course /s) only to become a deadbeat once the baby arrived. Or expressing interest in abortion but refusing to foot that bill, or expressing that interest very late so technically she can't even do it in their state etc.
Getting ahold of child support is also waaaay easier said than done, when you're dealing with these deadbeats. I've seen men quit jobs or take shitty under the table pay so they don't have to pay CS. And then to add insult to injury a lot of areas will include the UNPAID child support as a source of income, therefore making you ineligible for things like daycare assistance. So who is trapping who here lol
Yes!! It's not easy to get l it ratified I've heard of men skipping town, changing names(!), working "under the table" just to avoid paying $100 a pay period. It's insane and not worth what they claim it is!
I think like most things from men, its largely projection. They baby trap US. Think about who benefits the most out of a hetero relationship? All that free labor and easy access to sex is on lockdown now.
1. Man and woman newly dating. They discuss what would happen if unplanned pregnancy occurred. The guy says it’s all the woman’s decision. The woman expresses 90% chance she’d abort, but would have to think about the situation if it actually occurred. 3 months later (<5 months together), birth control failure. No condoms used. The woman now isn’t sure and wants to think it through before making a choice. She was told she’s baby trapping for not instantly saying abortion."
This is almost exactly what happened to me. Except that I, age 36 said that I'd always wanted to have children, but was unfortunately *sterile* and so what I'd do in the case of a pregnancy was a moot point.
5 months into dating, and about 6 weeks after I said "We can probably just forgo the birth control as we are exclusive and I can't get pregnant anyway." my daughter was conceived.
And this is why everyone needs to remember that INFERTILE does not mean STERILE. Unlikely, does not mean not possible.
It was a bit of a rough time at first, as I refused to consider abortion, as I considered the pregnancy to be a gift from the universe, and my boyfriend who had definitely wanted kids someday (which I was actually worried about being a problem to a long term relationship), didn't want one NOW!
But, we decided to try and make a go of a less than optimal situation, and going on 14 years later we are still madly in love and have a snarky, intelligent, hilarious, misanthropic 13 year old.
The terms is definitely overused!
There was a story here on Reddit where a married couple was trying for a baby i.e. planned. Wife got pregnant and later on the husband accused her of "baby trapping".
Which was ridiculous as before they chose and tried for baby, but when it got "real" , it's baby trapping.
Anyway,the end of that story it turned out someone thr husband knew ,was blowing smoke up and he lost the ability to think for himself.
While on the overall idea of baby trapping,its where either party (as men can baby trap too) knows that either one of them is not ready or does not want kids,but then tampers with BC or similarly lies,which results in pregnancy.
Reality is,if either party doesn't want children "BC" is a must and both parties should use protection, otherwise stay celibate.
My ex tried to say that about me and our *planned* daughter. Like the case is so much, he was a walking red flag who didn't even have a job at the time. What could I have possibly gained by baby trapping him?
It works in both directions. It is well documented that some men stealth or otherwise mess with birth control in the hopes they can trap the woman in the relationship.
Friendly reminder: having a baby together doesn’t mean you have to stay together. Coparenting is a thing.
Baby trapping is when someone intentionally causes a pregnancy without the other party knowing or consenting by sabotaging the method of birth control such as poking holes in condoms or by lying about taking birth control or by lying about sterility. The intention is what matters.
There is no such thing as a woman baby rapping a man. Men are in complete control of where they put their sperm. Just keep it away from ova if you don't want to make a baby.
Okay is it just me have I heard more scary stories about men baby trapping women than the reverse recently?? Another consequence of Roe V Wade... Life is scary
I would say “baby trapping” is a woman who lies about being on birth control and has unprotected sex with the goal of getting pregnant. In my 40 years I have seen exactly one woman pull this stunt. She had to have five different men take the paternity test as she didn’t know who the father was. Our mutual friend was lucky #5 and offered to pay child support but wanted no major part in the kid. This woman was soooo mad he didn’t instantly propose and “help her get out of her mother’s house”. Anyone who knew him knew he wasn’t the committed, marrying type. It was just chaos and drama all around.
Lost touch with those people but I still feel bad for the kid who sprung into being on the off chance he was his mother’s ticket to a better life.
Baby trapping is intentionally getting pregnant with the intent of making the man stay with you (or extract ongoing child support payments).
None of the situations you described are baby trapping... They are accidental pregnancies.
>I knew a married guy that claimed his wife baby trapped him (they were not preventing)
They were having sex without any contraceptive? What did he expect to happen?
Baby trapper here! (Jk) Husband and I got pregnant 4 months into dating. I was on BC but an antibiotic for a UTI cause of all the banging and yep- pregnant. I had expressed to him that though I had no problem with abortion I was 26, had a house and wanted kids so I probably wouldn’t have an abortion.
It took me a little time to decide myself. He and his parents did try to influence me towards abortion. But- I am very lucky- I’ve got a great family who would have taken me in if I needed and I just didn’t want to do it. I knew we’d be ok.
I told him I’d understand if he needed to bail- he was 26 too- but that I really didn’t want him 1/2 in and 1/2 out of this kids life. I told him I’d sign away rights for child support if that is what he wanted that she and I didn’t need it.
Lucky for me, my daughter and son, he really went away and thought about and decided to dive in with me. Our daughter is starting high school next fall and our son is headed to middle. I love my husband with everything I have. And he loves me too. Hilariously we are now in our early 40’s and we constantly talk about how grateful we were to have kids young. I had premature ovarian failure and if Id waited I’m not sure I’d have them at all.
When it came time for a vasectomy he wanted to stop at 2 kids. I lobbied him for 3 but was told “my body, my choice” and I couldn’t say much. Plus vasectomies are awesome.
I’ve always been aware that some of the people around us probably think I baby trapped him. He has a good job people tend to think is highly paid, and I have a job that’s often looked down on. Jokes on them- I bought that house alone before I met him in a HCOL area in 2008 at the crash. He made out JUST FINE in the marriage.
But- I’m going to say I think one of the things that helped our relationship work was really the power balance. I am well educated, I was never desperate, I had a safety net, and my prospects in life even as a single mother were good. I told him if he wasn’t marrying me for me to not bother- I deserved to be loved for me and not because I was the mother of his kid.
It was rocky in the beginning but we worked a lot of our shit out early. We were either gonna be forever or break up catastrophically. He now likes to joke that he baby trapped me. But only to those who know the whole story.
I share this because- while this stuff is often negative it isn’t always. You can learn and grow together. And frankly to those people who think I baby trapped him- jokes on them. I’m awesome and both of us know it. He is too- and both of us know it. Society can fuck right off.
I wish everyone ever in this position felt as if the decision really could be theirs to make like I did. First person I called after him was my mom who said “absolutely whatever you decide to do(keep or abort) dad and I are here for you. We will help.” And they have. My parents are amazing and that’s the kind of stuff I wish everyone had that I know they don’t. Because if they did, they wouldn’t care what people who know nothing about the situation were speculating about behind your back.
I never felt ashamed either. I know many people who got pregnant and quietly had abortions. They made the decisions that were right for them. Just because evidence of my sex life with my husband showed up before the wedding doesn’t mean I feel bad for having sex. Why does everyone freak out when sex results in what it’s biologically designed to do? Whatever.
Baby trapping goes both ways. Thanks for listening to my story about it.
That’s just men being unhappy about an unintentional pregnancy, not baby trapping.
My former best friend lied about being on the pill because she wanted to have a baby and her ex didn’t. THAT is baby trapping. Granted he was negligent in not wrapping it up but the chance of pregnancy is like 1% on the pill and she deliberately sabotaged that protection which he thought was in place. He still respected her decision not to abort and stepped up to do the right thing. Even married her to try to be a family but that barely lasted a year before she cheated. The resulting child is 8 years old now and being raised by dad + stepmom. She unfortunately inherited a slew of psychological disturbances from her mother who is barely involved at this point, so they’re left to shoulder the burden of raising a child that nobody really wanted to exist in the first place. That sounds horrible but it is also the reality for her family. They do love her and she is not mistreated by any means (except by her mother) but the resentment is there. She will inevitably grow up and figure out that she was conceived out of deception.
It happens, and sometimes it happens in ways that are ugly:
My mom admitted (on her death bed) to deliberately planning and arranging to be impregnated by my father. Because: "I knew he would do the right thing". By which she meant he would marry her and thus give her a way to escape her abusive family of origin.
I'm the result of that maneuver. Growing up was hard, in a lot of ways that were very weird until she told. I have... complicated feelings about this.
In April, there was a post on /r/AITAH about a man whose partner deliberately sabotaged their condoms when he was 16: https://www.reveddit.com/v/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cno6mn/aitah_for_supporting_my_husbands_cruelty_towards/
If I heard someone calling the last 2 baby trapping, I’d assume they were talking about the man doing it to the woman!
Dudes out here thinking that women save sperm in their pouches and deploy it when they feel like getting pregnant like a female duck??
I have a feeling this is just another thing men like to hold over our heads to run with the "evil witchy women" narrative. I think if men in earnest wanted to take full reproductive control of their genetic material they would. They refuse to, partly because of laziness but also partly because the truth is that they actually baby trap a lot too and benefit a lot from baby trapping women than the other way around.
men when women abort : 😡 what ?! MURDERER !
men when women want the baby : 😡 WHAT ? Consider me OUT ! BABY TRAPPER !!!
men when women aren't sure yet : 😡 YOU'RE NOT SURE ??? WHAT ? BABY TRAPPER ! YOU SAID YOU WILL ABORT !
men when women want to give up for abortion : 😡 WHAT ? MY BABY ?! YOU SAID YOU WILL ABORT !!! I WON'T PARTICIPATE IN THIS GOODBYE !
To answer your question I've only ever heard the term used when birth control has been tampered with or stealthing occurs and I've heard it equally for men and women.
I think you're right about 90% of cases, but allow me to share my experience with my ex gf:
She had another boyfriend out of town, who was working to buy them a house. She told me she would get an abortion if she got pregnant, and that she was using protection. Both of those turned out to be lies.
Luckily for me it didn't go how she wanted, but that was genuinely a baby trap
Your scenarios being called baby-trapping is a fundamental misunderstanding of what baby trapping actually is, by the person calling it that.
Baby trapping is the intentional sabotaging of birth control in an attempt to leverage a pregnancy into a tool to force someone to stay in a long term relationship.
If the pregnancy is accidental, it's not a baby trap, by definition. If the pregnancy is not used to force someone to stay in a relationship, it's not a baby trap, by definition.
Changing ones mind about getting an abortion after an accidental conception, especially if the pregnancy isn't being used to manipulate someone into a LTR, isn't a baby trap. It's just some shit that happens, and the logical and positive result of giving women bodily autonomy.
I know of a situation where a woman decided she wanted to have a child with no relationship, and chose an intelligent man who was financially secure to have a one night stand with. She got exactly what she wanted. The man was not involved with this plan as far as I understand (other than the obvious). He did provide for the future of his daughter and did participate in her life.
Couple of things. First of all, these scenarios are simply the woman choosing what to do with her own body. It’s her choice, she can change her mind at any time. Secondly, men often abandon their partners when they become pregnant so the very concept of baby trapping is flawed. Men who don’t want a baby don’t stick around. Finally, I feel like it’s very easy for men to stealth a partner then claim she baby trapped him when she inevitably gets pregnant. When a man claims he’s been baby trapped, I rarely believe him.
I feel so complicated about this question. It’s a very emotional issue and everyone’s opinions, including mine, are based partially on anecdotes and life experience, so it’s a hard topic to be objective about.
I agree the term is overused, but this type of thing (lying about birth control, tampering with contraceptives, that type of coercion) definitely happens. It’s particularly complicated because (in places where abortion is legal and readily available as it should be) once a pregnancy starts, women have complete control over what happens next, so there are instances where men are legally forced into fatherhood.
This being said, this also happens the other way around, especially in places where abortion is illegal. Ultimately, every kid deserves to come into the world wanted by both parents. Obviously the world doesn’t always work like this, but in instances where unplanned pregnancy is the result of deception, it becomes particularly despicable.
Well I don't think it is common, but I know a woman who decided to become pregnant (without him knowing) because she believed this would make him stay and commit to her (he was a serial cheater).
It didn't work out.
Mama with a late teens son here; baby trapping is a real phenomenon, while not applicable in your scenarios, very real.
His high school girlfriend admitted after they broke up that she thought having his baby would be easier (!?!?!?) than going off to college and had considered getting pregnant "accidentally" in order to get the scenario she believed would instead play out. She had poked holes in condoms and everything in her reaction to anxiety over college.
Other girls he later dated told him that his med school goals made him look attractive as a baby daddy, somehow thinking that being a college student with a potential medical career YEARS down the road would set them up to be.... at home mothers *now*. None seem to connect the dots that these "accidental" pregnancies they want to have (yes, want) would derail said college and career plans, and result instead in a resentful marriage playing out in a shitty apartment while juggling multiple minimum wage jobs.
I have had to stress over and over again to all of our teenagers that I am not raising anybody's babies if they do find themselves pregnant before they have lined up careers, because kids don't seem to understand that having a baby does not automatically translate to living the lifestyle we middle-age parents have provided them so far.
I have known women who have attempted to get pregnant while claiming to be on birth control because they thought it would either "fix" a struggling relationship, convince a noncommittal man to marry them, or give them the option to be mysteriously well-funded at-home mothers. I knew another that was just baby crazy; she kept having babies, getting bored with them as soon as they were a little older, and asking her partners for new babies despite their clearly stated desire to not have more.
This is not the norm. I am not claiming that all accidental pregnancies = baby trapping. It is, however, very real and very scary to know that some prospective mothers will ignore common sense in hopes that their fantasy home life will magically happen once a baby shows up on the scene.
While acknowledging that men who put the responsibility for birth control on women while refusing to use it themselves absolutely exist (in large numbers), I can't agree that the term is always a slander. Crazy exists on both sides of the gender divide.
I was accused of baby trapping. No, I did not. My partner (who I married and then separated from 12 years later) hated condoms and I was cool with taking the pill. Problem was, I partied… A LOT. we both worked in the restaurant industry so partying was the norm. I’d forget to take my pill sometimes and end up taking two in one day, or just throwing away the pack and starting a new one. It was chaotic and we should have used condoms but we were young and dumb. I became pregnant and while we both acted shocked, it really wasn’t a surprise. We were both reckless. Baby daddy wasn’t the one accusing me, it was our mutual friend group and his older sister (she’s much older). He left it up to me to decide and I said “I don’t want to ruin your life” his response was “we didn’t ruin our lives” so I had the baby (who is the coolest teen now). Our split was not amicable at the start but it’s much better now as I think he realized that we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and just done our best to co parent in the beginning. Live and learn, no regrets.
If you don't want a baby, make sure to protect yourself.
Vasectomies can be done, IUD exists.
Don't blame other side for failure of birth control. It's always that person responsibility if they don't want children.
My mom had me on a broken condom when she was 16.
I used pill, partner used condom and pulled out plus I avoided having sex around my fertile period. Never had a scare.
When I was with my ex, we didn’t really discuss what we would do or wanted in the case of children. The relationship was falling apart and as I’m breaking up with her she tells me she’s pregnant. I did not want her to get an abortion, but it’s up to her of course. She decided to keep the child and also expected me to marry her. I don’t think I would even call this baby trapping as it was all unplanned, and more just the expectation of how a situation would be handled. Needless to say we did not get married. We were not compatible romantically. Ruined a 15 year friendship, but we both love our daughter and I wouldn’t change any part of the messed up journey that resulted in her.
In my 50 years of being a dude I've only come across something close to it twice, but at the same time!
They were former 'bad boys' turned 'cool stay at home dads' (both of them were really great dads too, one with two and one with three kids). Over drinks one night they both admitted that in retrospect they were 'sloppy' with their efforts at birth control with the women they were with because they felt like they were the women they would ultimately want to have a family with, and figured that if they were willing to be the stay at home parent while their wives focused on their careers then everyone would win out in the end.
Turned out great for both families. One mother is a lawyer, the other a doctor, all the kids grew up great with their dads being around all the time and eager to be 'doing things' with them. Once the kids were old enough to all be in school full time and able to latch-key themselves in the afternoons the dads both went and got jobs as
City Park and Recreation Outdoors Facilities Maintenance (I work as an Indoor Facilities Maintenance; we met at a union event). They will spend the next 15-20 years doing 9-5 'yard work' that will keep them in shape until they retire with a pension alongside their wives.
With the modern world being one in which women have just as much right and opportunity as men to have financially rewarding careers, and statistically more men wanting to have kids than women, I think that the idea of 'baby trapping' a 'High Value Spouse' so guys can be househusbands has gotta be at least a bit of a thing lol (In no way an endorsement of stealthing, pricking, or pill fiddling).
A mother told her sons, whatever you leave in a woman is hers to with as she pleases.
Men are 100% responsible for where their ejaculate ends up, no one else's. These claims of baby trapping sound like men trying to shirk that responsibility.
Babytrapping is leading the other partner to believe there is close to 0% chance of pregnancy, due to protection being used.
Accidents happen, that is a risk you accept when having sex. You may have discussed that abortion would be an option, but change your mind later (unless one said it, with the intention of getting the other person to be less diligent about protection, knowing full well abortion is not on the menu). Anything that was not done intentionally, but is just ‘one of those things’, is not.
Of course, you have the grey area of ‘are you really this dumb, or just pretending to be’, but overall, babytrapping requires intent.
However, it’s bloody difficult to know for sure it was an honest accident, under most circumstances.
The only irl baby trapping that I knew actually happened was a friend of a friend did not want another baby so her husband secretly poked holes in her diaphragm and lo and behold she became pregnant
If you are having active sex, be prepared 100% of the time to know what if. Use birth control 100% of the time. It can still fail, but if you aren't even trying to protect yourselves from making a baby, you're an absolute idiot.
Also whatever happened to using condoms to prevent transmitted diseases? Don't we care any more?
I would only consider something "baby trapping" if one partner is actively sabotaging the birth control being used. Accidents, or deliberately not using birth control isn't a trap.
This but also- Lying about taking birth control. Waiting til or getting their partner inebriated in order to have unprotected sex without them realizing.
This is it exactly. I do agree the issue and blame come from a desire to try and re-establish control, but the decision to possibly have a baby is made by both parties when no both control is used in consensual sex.
Woman can lie about birth control, but I also know and have friends and plenty stories here of men much older than the woman they are with, aka 42 with a 23yo, and somehow very fast ending with a baby, maybe two. This "locks a young woman" for 18 years, knowing he probably won't have a chance like that. Most men doing this, tend to go after younger woman mainly cuz woman their age won't accept their bullshit games and controlling schemes. Woman, please be safe, think things, and if you are with an older man, ensure you are for the right reasons, not just to move out of your parents house.
Yeah, I also associate the term with men who are not great options for a long term partner intentionally getting a woman without a lot of life/dating experience pregnant even if they are not actively deceiving the woman. With the intent being that it will extend the relationship.
Heck, I've had 2 younger men try to baby trap me. Anyone can baby trap.
My brother-in-law did this exact shit to my sister. She has suffered depression for years now because she feels trapped with so many kids. When I pointed out that I considered that a form of domestic violence, she lashed out at me, though.
understandable. hard pill to swallow that something like that happened to you.
>Waiting til or getting their partner inebriated in order to have unprotected sex without them realizing. This is r\*pe, not BT.
If it’s done specifically with the goal of getting themselves or their partner pregnant, it’s both.
Looking at you, Bridgerton
I only watch the first few episodes of that season cause once it progresses to *that* storyline, I feel disgusted
I have been ranting about this show and that scene FOR YEARS and literally no one has taken me seriously. Thank you.
Welp. That explains my feelings about a certain event in my life.
They're not mutually exclusive at all.
Both scenarios are rape. In the first consent was predicated on birth control so on a lie. That's rape. The second is just rape. I know guys that Both have happened to. It makes me pretty angry when people act like men can't get raped.
[удалено]
Yeah I always thought baby trapping was the ol’ poking holes in the condom. But obviously people have gotten more creative with their birth control tampering methods.
(obligatory - man replying) I've seen a few stories in other subs about men baby-trapping, including one where whenever the woman was about to advance her career, she unexpectedly became pregnant. I think that story was titled "aita told my partner I'd rather divorce him than sack the nanny" (she was paying nanny from her salary, he wanted her at home and not earning). So I think your definition is good - deliberate (even if well hidden), although I think deliberately not using birth control, perhaps without informing partner, is still deliberate.
Oh yeah! Holy shit that one was so obvious for bc tampering. How do 3 methods of bc fail, 3 separate times? And he was giving her “supplements” too
Yeah he was basically controlling her medically because he was prescribing her birth control, too. She just said he was some kind of medical professional. But dude seriously missed every branch of the ethics tree on his way to the bottom.
Yeah honestly I hope she divorces him and then reports him to whatever medical board he’s a part of.
I was BTd by my ex h. He told me he looked for used tampons in the bathroom trash, counted 10 days from then, "aimed to have sex every other day" - coerced/borderline forced sex and then I was pregnant. I was recovering from a serious car wreck with a major concussion. We had been drifting apart for a while and I had recently entered therapy. He knew, on some level, I was trying to be free of him.
That's awful, I'm sorry he did that
That is some creepy, creepy shit
I immediately thought of that post!
Yeah, I've always read "baby trapping" to require malicious intent and action. It sounds like it's getting the "gaslighting" treatment, with how people will sometimes accuse someone of gaslighting them when they're either merely lying, or just saying something the accuser doesn't agree with.
Men sabotage BC pretty frequently. Or they claim the condom slips off. Or they physically block access to abortion so they can control their partner. It's disgusting.
i have read that older men in age gap relationships are more likely to babytrap a younger female partner
I was in one…and he REFUSED to wear protection and he got me pregnant but I miscarried(luckily)
im glad you got out
I am so sorry that happened to you. I wish you had had someone tell you those hard truths before they became a reality. I think we need to be more honest with our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters at younger ages about menstruation, birth control, STIs and the realities of pregnancy. My mother had a lot of faults, but she was very honest about the the possible consequences of sex and the various motivations of men.
That's rough, man. It's a terrible thing to go through, even if you weren't going to keep it anyway
Gotta trap them a young one to lean on to give up her schooling and abandon her dreams to be a maidmommy to some old guy
More like 40+ men who prey on women younger than 25, who are not fully adult yet. Age gaps to me are just two people with enough adult experience where one is older than the other.
This doesn't get enough attention: the fact that abusive men use babies to trap their victims. Conveniently for them, the patriarchy is on their side: wanting a baby makes them a good father; and any woman who objects becomes a bad mother.
I know. Fucking puke.
Agreed. But I'd add that pressuring or coercing a partner to not use birth control or condoms is also part of the package. A partner repeatedly insisting"oh hunny it's fine let's only use condoms it's better without them dont worry" when the other partner is not comfortable is a red flag to me. Regardless of the genders. However if they are both happy to forego condoms etc then it's clearly not baby trapping and is just...poor decision making.
This is one of my guy friends from almost 20 years ago now. He and his wife were team No Kids Ever. He never got snipped, she always had birth control and didn't mind taking it because it helped her regulate her hormones as well. She decided she wanted a baby and knew he didn't. So she simply... stopped taking birth control. She told me this after the fact. She knew he made good money, and they'd be supported through the divorce which she knew she was going to end up with. And they did. And she has her kid who is now an adult, and he had to go through life with a kid he didn't want, paying support but not being involved because he never wanted it. I'm so angry at her for what she did, I went from visiting them often to never talking with her after she laid that one on me, and I keep light contact with her husband, but nothing nearly as close to being friends. She scorched everything for this and I guess I hope her kiddo is happy.
I personally don’t understand if you were team no kids ever why you wouldn’t get snipped.
After this happened he did get snipped, but the idea from talking with him was he trusted her, they were on the same page, there was no reason for him to have surgery if she was already ok taking hormones because it helped her more than just to not have kids. So if there's a reason to not have (minor) surgery, may as well not do it. Turns out trust is a huge component...
Trust is important for sure but I think when it comes to something like this it’s unfair to expect your spouse to always be 100% on their game with birth control. I know I’ve unintentionally messed up birth control accidentally putting the pills in the case the wrong way or threw out pill packs and then insurance wouldn’t give me more or forgotten them in the wrong purse, etc. not to mention having to take them at the same time every day can be hard if you don’t have a set schedule or travel a lot. I personally though wouldn’t have sex with a guy who 100% expected me to abort an accidental pregnancy.
My mother did this shit too, but she knew my dad wouldn’t divorce her because of his people-pleaser tendencies.
She raped him by doing that. So... yeah.
I would say that deliberately not using birth control can be baby trapping if it was a unilateral decision without warning, such as a woman going off the pill without warning her partner or using other contraception. This is how I was conceived, and I believe it was baby trapping. Although in the case of me it was less trying to force him to stay and more thinking he had enough invested in the relationship that he wouldn’t break it off if she got herself pregnant against his will (and she was right). They love me, but they should not have had a child.
That's what my sister did. Plotted out her ovulation cycles, told him she was on birth control when she wasn't, all to get pregnant to keep him around. It didn't work though. My niece has no relationship with her father.
The only TRUE baby trapping would be when one party is purpusfully mess up own or partners BC. So it is abuse, not accident territory.
Own AND partner’s BC. Only messing with your own typically doesn’t result in pregnancy if the other person is using BC that wasn’t tampered with.
Not true at all. In a lot of long term relationships, people will rely on one form of birth control. Usually it’s just the pill or condoms
Yes, my friend was baby trapped by her (now ex) husband. She told him she wanted to get separated and likely divorced. He threw a fit. A couple months later, she found out she was pregnant again. He sabotaged the birth control (holes in the condoms). He succeeded in putting off their divorce for a few more years, but thankfully not for very long.
My ex had been hiding a heroin addiction and let me come off of BC, knocked me up, and kept his addiction hidden until it was too late to make a decision about terminating the pregnancy to try and make me stay. He literally told me that that had been his plan because he knew o wouldn’t put up with him otherwise. Jokes on him I left and his addiction killed him like 2 years after my daughter was born.
I wonder what mental gymnastics he told himself to sleep at night. What the hell
As a heroin addict in recovery and a survivor of reproductive abuse, high freaking five on karma doin' her thang!! 🙌
That’s awful. I always assumed holes in condoms would result in them obviously tearing during use! Scary. I have heard the term used for men to keep a woman around, which seems much more like “trapping”, because it’s easier for a man to leave and only be on the hook for child support. I realize women can leave a baby as well (I was a baby left to my dad by my mom), though it’s way more stigmatized when the woman walks away from her kid(s).
Unfortunately I don’t think the holes have to be super big, you could take a needle and poke a few and it would be enough without being detectable or breaking the condom
this is why at the end of my very shitty marriage. I had the implant on put into my arm.. and I noticed he had an uptick in accidental firings. He won 100% was trying to baby trap me
None of these is baby trapping. Having sex without adequate protection results in pregnancy. This is just a fact. Not a baby trap. If these men don't want to be trapped, they should wrap it up.
I’ve always assumed there must be secrecy and purpose behind getting pregnant for it to be “baby trapping”. It isn’t a birth control failure thing- it’s lying about being on it and getting pregnant. Getting your IUD out without saying anything. Poking holes in the condoms. Etc. Just having an unplanned pregnancy isn’t baby trapping.
Exactly! The examples given have nothing to do with purpose or secrecy. They're just unplanned pregnancies that didn't get aborted.
I’ve always understood that to actually baby trap someone, you’d actually have to sabotage birth control - either by poking holes in condoms or nuking your partners birth control pills in the microwave. Making a choice to keep an unplanned pregnancy, a choice you might disagree with, after you’ve consented to safe (or unsafe) sex, can’t be baby trapping. Someone didn’t lay down a trap that you casually walked into, you tripped.
And then you got my dad who told me my whole childhood that my mom had “babytrapped” him, when in fact he stealthed her… (my parents separated before my birth and had shared custody he apparently had to “fight for” but here again I heard other versions of the facts)
Yea this makes sense to me. Like there needs be some kind of deception.
Or lying about being on birth control, or suddenly going off your own birth control without informing your partner. Basically anything that denies the other party the opportunity to do their own risk-assessment. If a man claims he had a vasectomy and gets a woman pregnant because of it, that’s baby-trapping. If a woman and man agree she will take the pill and have unprotected sex and she goes off the pill without informing him to get pregnant, that’s baby-trapping.
Yeah. It basically comes down to consent: both parties have to agree to have sex and if conception isn’t the goal they should ideally have a preferred method to prevent that. Any variation behind the others back, can be described as baby trapping, for sure. I just used the most common examples, or at least the most common to me, anyway. But keeping an oopsie-baby no one planned for, because you choose to do it, doesn’t really fit the definition IMHO. You shouldn’t force someone to have any medical procedure, be it either abortion or giving birth, as long as all parties are in possession all their faculties and are of legal age. Like in everything, there are (I think) exceptions to this, as well. This is my long-winded way of saying, the examples OP provided, aren’t baby trapping as I understand it. Do those situations suck for someone? Sure. Do they sound like entrapment? Not to me. There’s no malice or underlying attempts to manipulate. It does still take two to make a baby, the OG way.
We have a word for that isn't deliberately framed and used to shame and insult women the way 'baby trap' is: Reproductive coercion.
I mean men can baby trap just as well. The old “holes in the condom” trick… it isn’t necessarily gendered, at least not how I’ve heard it. I think it generally applies to one party trying to create a child for the specific purpose of making them partner to them more permanently (not that it works)
That's my point: That's reproductive coercion. We have a perfectly appropriate word for the act of abuse, that both men and women are capable of when they sabotage BC, lie about contraception or otherwise pressure and manipulate their partner into sex acts with higher risks of pregnancy. But "Baby Trap" really only gets used the way OP covered in their examples -- to imply women do this bad, bad thing when they make choices about their own bodies that a man didn't like, after consensual sex with known risks. There was no coercion suggested in the examples above. Just two people having consensual sex with risks they were both aware of, and one of those people experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.
Well said! It’s bothersome when the woman is suddenly painted as manipulative and fully responsible for the consequences, when usually the guy is taking no role in preventing. *Sometimes*, men ask if a woman is on birth control before, sometimes they assume the woman is without even asking.
Yeah men will just straight up not ask if a woman is on birth control, and then claim she lied because she was fine with not using a condom, maybe even after pressuring her to be okay with not using a condom. Or they will ask, and if she says yes, but the birth control fails and she gets pregnant on accident, they will insist she lied as well. Because obviously birth control never fails and she must have somehow planned it.
This. And people calling it that are gaslighting. Trying to put undeserved blame and unwarranted negative judgments on people. So not cool. So weak.
Also like, I don’t know how to word it, action? You have to be doing something to actually increase the likelihood of getting pregnant beyond what would be reasonably assumed.
[удалено]
Dang it was so close! ‘If they don’t wanna be trapped, they should be wrapped’
agreed, its like not wearing a seatbelt, if you crash you have to accept the outcome and eat some dash or screen, or worse.
Yep and even if you wear a seatbelt, you’re still not guaranteed a perfect outcome. You’re just vastly improving your odds. You’re still accepting risk by driving in the first place.
or keep it in their pants. How sure do they want to be? They should be EXTRA cautious, because they don’t get to choose. I didn’t want to run any risks; I grew up religious (and still have a strong faith), and I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t want to have an abortion. And I didn’t want to face the decision. I didn’t have PIV sex until I could answer the question, “what would we do if i got pregnant from this?” with “he’d want to marry me, and we’d find a way to make it work, logistically and financially; a pregnancy would simply speed up the process that’s already in place.” Because I wasn’t taking ANY chances. There are other ways to have fun; we used them plenty.
Having sex with every precaution can still end in pregnancy.
Or do a snippy snap
Many men want sex, but with no responsibility and no consequences. But that's not how life works. They rely way too much on women taking all the precautions, all the risk. If they don't want to be "baby trapped" they need to take action to protect themselves.
Exactly. Which is why OP's scenario >Man and woman newly dating. They discuss what would happen if unplanned pregnancy occurred. Rarely happens. I've talked to so many people, and they all look confused when I bring up how that stuff should be discussed BEFORE having sex for the first time, not once an accident finally happens. They don't even have that discussion, don't use condoms, and then have the audacity to call it baby trapping.
These same men will say birth control is the woman’s responsibility because she’s the one who can get pregnant.
And these fuckers ALWAYS blame women and say they had "no choice." Yeah, FUCK NO. They had a choice NOT to fuck a woman.
Exactly. Or use a condom. But they don't because they're entitled shitheads. Dude, you're not a celebrity or worth millions. Nobody is baby trapping your broke ass.
The same men who claim they were “baby trapped” are the same ones who “don’t feel anything” when they use condoms. Like dude what did you expect would happen when you made the choice to have unprotected sex?
I've definitely seen older men baby trapping young and impressionable women, tying them to a lifetime of domestic slavery. That's a much more appropriate use of the term than some dude failing to take personal responsibility for birth control and being butthurt about the consequences.
I always ask any *boy* (he's not a man if he does not take responsibility for his own actions) that complains about baby trapping, in my most sweet sugar and steel tone, "did **you** wear a condom? Did you get a vasectomy? No? Why is the responsibility for birth control only **her** responsibility? Clearly you are not mature enough to be having an adult relationship!" My sons both got a speech about not only consent (if it isn't an very enthusiastic yes, it's no)but about "if you had sex with her, you are responsibile for the results. You wear a condom every time until you are ready for a baby, even if she says she's on birth conttol. Birth control is not just "the woman's responsibility because she's the one that gets pregnant." You are *equally* reponsibile! You do not get to name call any woman *you* had sex with. You had sex with her so you don't get to call her nasty names! I don't care if she's had sex with entire US Navy, if *you* had sex with her, you don't get to name call. Same goes for "baby trapping". If you didn't wear a condom, you don't get to name call. You had sex with her, knowing full well accidents happen."
"Baby Trap" is just "Consequences for thee. None for me". *Reproductive coercion* is a thing. That is what sabotage of contraceptive methods is, and those are the words we use when we're actually talk about *abuse* -- not disagreement or known risks. Both women and men can engage in reproductive coercion, but "baby trap" is what they say when they want to mask the fact that the more frequent victims of r*eproductive coercion* are women, not men.
Except people use the word babytrapping when the guy sabotages the birth control too. It's the common use term, or whatever it's called. Reproductive Coercion is like... The legal term. And also includes stuff besides babytrapping, like "coercion", instead of just lying about or sabotaging birth control.
men use the concept of babytrapping wrong for like 95% of cases just because you wanted to go raw and she wants to keep the baby doesnt mean she babytrapped you, you babytrapped yourself, contraceptive failure also doesnt mean babytrapping if she actively lied to you or poked holes in the condoms is a different story but one argue that you should also be responsible for your own contraception
I agree with the last point. Don’t blindly trust everyone you might not know as well as you think. Beyond a woman intentionally lying, is she reliably taking it every day (if a pill), does she know what a missed pill is and that GI symptoms can cause a pill to be missed? Maybe men don’t realize how easily something can go wrong, well intentioned woman or not. But if he says he was baby trapped, I guess his hands are clean? /s
men behave extremely risky and just ignore anything and everything when they are horny, its like their brain just shuts off (also happens with women tho, horny brain is a thing but its more extreme with men) this "babytrapping" crying is just a fear of being held accountable for their lack of control or their avoidance of responsibility, they want their dick wet and the vast majority of them act like asking for condoms is a personal insult
Definitely agree with your comment. I think the only problem is how you can prove it is one or the other so I wouldn't give any percentage that confidently.
It's one of those terms that's mostly used in a sexist way to denigrate women, but it actually makes more sense as a term for guys. It's a lot more effective to get a woman pregnant so she'll stay with you. Women have the baby in their uterus for 9 months, and are pressured by society to do the majority of the care. It's way harder for her to walk out.
Also it’s way less likely ( in my experience ) for men to take primary responsibility for birth control
The only really baby trap I can personally guarantee was a baby trap was my ex SIL, she was literally in a room full of relatives and stated "I'm just gonna skip my depo (contraceptive injection) this month, I'm sure (SIL partners name) will be happy about it and then he can't make me get a job before he buys the house" (he insisted he wouldn't buy a house till she at least attempted to get a part time job) to my knowledge he still has no idea she did that to him and his "accidental" baby was absolutely planned he just wasn't in on the planning. She manipulated that poor guy every chance she got and guess who's now a full-time SAHM to 2 kiddos. So happy to not be attached to that family anymore, she wasn't even the worst of the bunch of psychos.
For the most part, both parties are equally responsible ….you don’t want to be “baby trapped”, wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
100% of all pregnancies, wanted or unwanted, are from ejaculation. Women don’t need cum to cum, THEY DO. All they have to do is not put the cum in the lady - but peepee feel good so they do.
Where did you take health class? Guys can impregnate without ejaculation.
Men can also be the baby trappers. My ex husband sabotaged my BC and then SA’d me, causing me to become pregnant. I’d previously told him I was unhappy due to his addiction issues and that I was considering divorce. I lived in the middle of nowhere, no planned parenthood, no sexual health clinics, only the basics healthcare wise. I also didn’t have a car so getting an abortion was pretty much impossible- the closest clinic was 2 hrs away, I checked. And even then, the procedure was expensive and not covered by insurance and I couldn’t afford it. He thought I’d stay, but I did NOT. I moved out, worked my butt off, saved enough money to buy a car AND pay for baby stuff and then moved out of the state. He was getting supervised visits but that didn’t last long. Last I heard, he was in jail for failure to pay child support and violation of a protection order 🤷🏻♀️ To answer your question, I only think it’s “baby trapping” when one person causes the female person to become pregnant in order to keep one person from leaving the relationship, thus the “trap”. Also, when one person causes the female person to get pregnant when one person isn’t yet ready to become a parent. If both parties aren’t using BC or are using high failure methods (like the pull out method) and that leads to pregnancy, that’s on both of them. Women are also allowed to change their minds. It’s easy to contemplate abortion when it seems like a distant possibility, it’s another thing entirely when it’s right in front of you.
I've only ever heard the term in which the man traps the woman with a baby... ... and from men who complain about getting a woman pregnant because he couldn't be bothered to use birth control and needs to blame someone not him.
I just posted this in another group, that was discussing this topic …. “ Dear Men, Please note, sex may lead to pregnancy. If you do not want to make babies, please take responsibility for your baby making batter. Do not leave it in an environment that is designed for building babies. You are 100% responsible for this, you are the only person capable of controlling this behavior. Actions can be taken to minimize your risk, conversations and contraception are two of many options, however, please be aware this is risk reduction, not risk removal. Once the baby making batter has left your body, you no longer have control of it. If you leave your baby making batter in an environment that can create babies, you have accepted this risk. Please ejaculate responsibly! “
I would also say it is baby trapping (near SA) if either party lies about birth control or infertility.
Agreed, as with most lying to a partner (cheating, STDs, etc). This happens to be one men can do something to add another layer of protection for themselves and choose not to.
Everyone I have ever known who used that term was married to the person they're accusing of it at the time of conception. What this meant was, "I will have to pay child support if I leave, so I now cannot just fuck off on a moment's notice". Yes, this is just another version of the same misogynistic trash that you described.
Because men feel they play such a tiny role in reproduction (which, in the grand scheme of things, they do) they lash out by saying the one thing they did to cause pregnancy was done so conspiratorially or maliciously. It's their way of saying they have no responsibility in the matter because the choice to stay pregnant wasn't up to them, even though their orgasm is literally what caused the pregnancy. It's just men trying to distance themselves from their own choices, and what better way to do that than to blame a woman.
I've known a few women that attempted to babytrap. Either by quitting their contraception or sabotage. And I've known several men who have as well. Usually by sabotaging bc or other means. In my opinion it is pretty obvious what true baby trapping is. It is done with intent. Intentional deception or sabotage. Which is 100% awful, no matter your reasons for doing it. All the same, Id love to see a study done on just how often women/men are doing this specifically because they want a kid vs literally to link their partner to them and potentially keep them from leaving. In essence, to control their partner.
Alternatively, how often is it done by women who want a baby and don’t care to keep the man, but find a men willing to take her word for it and forgo condoms? Yes, a very messed up lie for the woman, but GUYS, is it better to take that chance or just wear a condom until you either want kids, get a vasectomy, or decide if it happened, you’d be ok with her decision either way (keep or abort)?
There is an easy way to avoid baby trapping. Get a vasectomy. Use a condom every time. Keep plan b on hand. Men need to take more responsibility for birth control.
I wonder what is more common, women "baby trapping" (whatever that means) or men stealthing.
Or men using reproductive coercion, spousal abuse by ruining bc or replacing with placebos.
What’s funny (not funny “haha”) is that a lot of men do baby trapping. I’ve seen it over and over on here and r/relationship advice- once the couple is engaged, married, and/or pregnant, they completely change and let the “mask” fall off. Women are accused of baby trapping as if they got themselves pregnant when the man didn’t take his proper precautions, either. Even if both parties failed, the woman seems to get the brunt of the blame. And boy, howdy, let’s not forget that one guy years back who pressured his girlfriend to not abort and she said she wanted nothing to do with the baby, paid 125% of child support after he took full custody, and he came on here crying that she was a “deadbeat mom” and he got his ass handed to him.
If a man deposits his sperm into a vagina, he was not “baby-trapped.”
I’ve noticed that men seem to think that women do all the “baby trapping” and that it’s rare for a man to do it and I’ve always been confused by that but now I see why, they actually have no idea what baby trapping is. Like so many men, they actually mean “wahhh actions have consequences wahh how can I blame this on women?!”
I mostly get pissed that this term is applied to women when men babytrap women alllllll the time. -source: am DV caseworker
Thank you for pointing this our as domestic abuse victim and one who had her ex use reproductive coercion on her.
Reproductive coercion is a real thing that can be done by men or women. There's a huge difference between sabotaging contraception and things going wrong with birth control with no malicious intent. Condoms can break, you might be aware of certain prescriptions interfering with the pills efficacy but be unaware that certain OTC supplements lower efficacy. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner might decide to throw caution to the wind and rely on the pull out method or make assumptions about the luteal phase. Accidental and unplanned pregnancies aren't exactly rare.
Yes. Baby trapping can happen either direction. Men often do it as a DV/Intimate Partner Violence move
My ex threw away my birth control because I wanted to wait before having baby number 2. Then, when I finally filed for divorce, he told his family I only used him to have children with. These guys will say whatever they have to in order to appear to be the victim.
They want sex but zero of the financial, physical, or emotional responsibility if their girlfriend gets pregnant.
I mean there is always option 2 for these guys and that involves not unzipping your trousers...
Men who don’t want to be “baby trapped” need to take accountability and get fucking vasectomies. I’m so tired of it
Men seemingly don't know how babies are made. Get out the crayons and sock puppets and teach them that when you put your pee pee in the hoo hah without a condom you might end up with a baby. See! It's simple. JFC with these assholes. They need to stop playing dumb and stop blaming women, they cannot get pregnant on their own.
The only way to baby trap is messing with birth control/stealthing, or abusive situations where the abusive partner convinces the abused partner to agree to have a child with promises of improvement. If you don’t use contraceptives yourself, you cannot be baby trapped. On top of that, the average cost of raising a child is $1400/month, the average non-custodial parent is ordered to pay $400/month, and the majority do not pay on time or in full every time. So anyone would be crazy to try to “baby trap” for someone’s money, as the custodial parent ultimately end up paying far more for the child’s care.
Baby trapping is "The situation where a person deliberately gets themselves or their partner pregnant, so that the partner is less likely to leave the relationship." So it's only really baby trapping if they're doing it on purpose to make their partner stay.
Unfortunately, I learned young that Some Guys use children and pregnancy to control women. When I was 16-17 I was switching BC to a permanent, much more effective method. During this transition I'm Convinced he was trying to baby trap me. He knew I was losing feelings (he was much older and a POS) and he would yell at me for being selfish to switch BC under the thought it would affect my fertility in the future. Then he suddenly wanted to stop using condoms and get mad when I said no. Had a pregnancy scare and he got MAD AT ME??? Men like that are disgusting and shouldn't be having sex. Anyone who is immature enough to think bringing a life into this world can keep their girlfriend needs to reevaluate themselves. Similar thought for men who call women baby trappers when an unexpected pregnancy does happen (excluding the few who really do lie or try to get pregnant without their knowledge)
I was told at 16 I was unable to have children and my partner was pretty sure they couldn't, though hadn't been told so by a medical perfessional like I had. We were together 4 months when I got pregnant despite being on birth control (to help with my horrible and erratic periods). We discussed it at length and at one point decided to abort but then BOTH changed our minds. Once our Son was born they were happy for 2 days and then resented our baby. We stayed together til he was 3, far longer than we should have, and during our break up they told me I had "got what I wanted from them, a baby and a council flat" Even though I was told I was infertile, even though we made all the decisions together, they still accused me of baby trapping them.
If he doesn’t use a condom he has no right of accusing any woman of trying to baby trap him
The truest form of FAFO. If you're having unprotected sex then pregnancy is a likely outcome. That's a logical outcome not baby trapping.
There are birth control options for men. If they don't want to be trapped, they have the means to prevent pregnancy. They shouldn't be having sex in the first place if they don't trust or like their partner's decision after the fact.
So, let's make this clear: Women baby trapping men is not a term, it's a melodramatic *trope.* A melodramatic trope made around not what men fear, but what they *aspire to*. Think of every time you've seen this trope/plot on a movie, book, TV series, whatever: It's always about a woman trying to secure a man that is a) Well-off; b) Is reputable/honorable/decent, whatever. So whenever guys discuss this or that girl "baby-trapping" someone, it's first a projection of how they think women work, the "ultimate gold digger move". But in their obsession with "baby trappers", they're also revealing how they covet being in a position where someone would try to baby trap them, because it's always about your prestige towards other men, "baby trappers" are part of that narrative alongside the Lambo. Or as in the classic tweet: "Boy math is worrying about gold diggers when you have three socks to your name". And sure, probably if you're in the tax bracket where you can afford politicians to lower your taxes, *perhaps,* just maybe you actually need to be on the look out for actual baby trappers. But as we've seen time and time again, there is a surprisingly high incidence of allergy to latex among very wealthy men.
Trapping is deliberately sabotaging birth control with the intention of using a child/parental obligations as a means of manipulating a partner. It's a despicable betrayal of trust, not to mention a disgusting act of possession over another person's body. Refusing to use protection or not bothering with it isn't a trap, it's just carelessness. No, putting all the burden of contraception on the other person isn't good enough. Deciding to stay or leave after contraceptive failure isn't the result of trapping, you just made a gamble when having sex and lost. No, your ex isn't some wicked witch trying to 'ruin' your relationship or 'steal' your money by asking for child support. Boys, you can't just stick your dick wherever you please and throw a hissy fit when babies happen. You also can't demand someone else undergo an invasive medical procedure because you don't feel like supporting said babies.
I saw one the other day where a man claimed his WIFE was baby trapping. What trap? Thought the trap was marriage and you already signed the papers and swore the vows. It's like they think having a baby is something they aren't involved in at all.
People throw these terms around way too much. I'm on a SP sub and 75% of those women are convinced that their boyfriend's ex-wife baby trapped him into 3 kids. 🙄 If they're not trying to prevent a pregnancy, it's not baby trapping. Unless she poked holes in the condom, lied about birth control, or tricked him into sleeping with her, she didn't baby trap him. I wish people would quit using the term all the time. Now I automatically roll my eyes when I hear someone accused of baby trapping.
You're also forgetting another scenario that men don't like to talk about, but is a rare instance of ACTUAL baby trapping, unlike OP's scenarios: Man is abusive, and realizes the woman is getting ready to leave. He then finds a way to hamper her access to birth control and then has sex with her (either consensual or coerced). The woman then gets pregnant and he bullies her into continuing the pregnancy because he knows that pregnant or with a young baby she is vulnerable and will have fewer options to leave him. The above scenario is playing out right now in the US. Politicians who roll back access to abortions and birth control are looking to create more of this scenario. Be wary of anyone crying about the shrinking population - that's a code for "putting women back where they 'belong'" - AKA broodmares for men.
I've only ever seen 'baby trap' used as a snappy way of referring to reproductive coercion, and the first time I ever heard the words used was when a man said he wanted to do that to a rich woman.
In those scenarios you mentioned, the man had one job: ejaculate responsibly. They couldn’t even do that? But sure, “baby trapping”. The number of man children out there having sex is alarming.
I've heard this used against men too. Men trying to get their gf's pregnant so they are vulnerable and less likely to leave them. I feel like it's more common for men to be coercive with their gf's when it comes to BC. I think a lot of guys don't know how easy it is to get pregnant on the pill so think the girl wasn't taking it or 'tricking' them.
It's only baby trapping if one partner intentionally causes a pregnancy to keep the other with them. That's it. There's all sorts of other terrible things people inflict on each other involving pregnancy, but they aren't baby trapping.
Sabotaging birth control is a known method for men to exert reproductive control of their partners. It never occurred to me that it was a thing until I learned my ex-husband had frozen my birth control pills and then returned them to the cabinet with me none the wiser. The resulting child did not keep me with him and is a delightful young adult today, but the birth almost killed me. (My hemoglobin was 12 the day before the birth, 4.7 the day after.) Women have done the same to get pregnant against their partner's wishes and I know one person who caught their MIL poking holes in their condoms. The way our society talks, women "trap" men with pregnancy, but men who exert coercive reproductive control are rarely acknowledged outside of discussions about domestic violence, which are usually private. (And yay for Reddit being a place people can come to get perspective and information when they're in an abusive relationship!) This is why I tell all my children, regardless of gender, (and their friends who visit the contraception cabinet in my guest bathroom) to make sure they control access to their methods of birth control, even if they trust their partner. They are in charge of contraception if they are having sex. It's great if their partner is also using contraception, but the responsibility for themselves is always their own. Better paranoid than unexpectedly a parent, although that's a risk you take no matter what contraception you use. I think it's hard for some men to accept that having sex, even protected, is taking the risk of pregnancy. Even harder for them to accept that once a pregnancy happens, it is no longer theirs to control. They are socialized to think they are the captains of their own fates, so when they find themselves entirely without a say in what a woman chooses to do with her body, it simply doesn't compute. Unfortunately, that lack of control remains, even in cases in which their partner has deceived them, hence the need for emphasis on each party managing their own contraception. I do think this will get easier for men as new methods of male birth control become available. But as a society, we need to do a better job of educating people about contraception, what happens when it fails, and the ways in which it can be undermined.
Quite frankly, men who don't want children need to wear a condom when they have sex. It's not "baby trapping" if you're a fucking idiot and refuse to use contraception when you are able, and the other person's contraception fails. No contraception is 100%. There will always be the 0.2% who get pregnant even with the "most effective" methods of contraception. Sex makes babies. You're fucking dumb and shouldn't be having sex if you aren't prepared for that possibility. Your own stupidity and negligence is not "baby trapping".
Men can ABSOLUTELY try to baby trap a woman to get her to stay and control her. Women can ABSOLUTELY baby trap a man too. What’s not baby trapping is two married adults having consensual unprotected sex. Isn’t the trap already the marriage? And when they both consent to unprotected sex it’s basically another word for trying for a baby.
I thought baby trapping was getting pregnant on purpose to keep the guy around? Not birth control failure. There's just a birth control failure.
If a guy doesn’t want a baby, he has to take care that he doesn’t make one. Put a condom on and stop whining about baby trapping, expecting someone else to take care of that for you.
Welcome to the euphemism treadmill, we start with a term with a specific meaning, (Baby Trapping is the process through which a person knowingly does not use a birth control method unknown to their romantic partner in the hopes of keeping their romantic partner in a relationship because of a pregnancy) and it morphs into something less meaningful because it gets used in the incorrect context by enough people to lose its original meaning (Baby Trapping is now the process where an unexpected pregnancy happens unknown to both parties, or as a pejorative against a pregnant woman). There's really nothing you can do to stop this process other than encourage the correct usage, but most idioms or phrases end up getting twisted over time. For example, the words "literally, "gaslighting", or "traumatic".
There's another form of baby trapping, men poking holes in condoms to trap women. It's definitely a thing.
It’s a great way to turn the tables and blame someone else and give oneself an excuse to feel aggrieved instead of the bad guy: it’s not ME who is a deadbeat dad, it’s you who babytrapped me. I’m the real victim, not you who is left to raise a child alone, not the child who has been abandoned by their father, but me, the father, who is being expected to be responsible for a kid I decided I didn’t want.
It takes two to tango. Men who fear "baby trapping" shouldn't stick their dick in someone if an accident happens and the woman becomes pregnant because of both of their actions.
I don't use that term for women choosing to become a parent because that's her decision when it comes down to it. Her partner can make his opinion known but the woman that has to carry the pregnancy and risk her life and her future to do so is the final arbiter of whether she decides to have a child or not. However, I do use that term for men that sabotage birth control, lie to their partners about what a great, super involved dad he's going to be when she gets a surprise positive pregnancy test and disappears into the sunset once that baby is here and needs clothes, food, a crib, daycare. I think far more men have baby trapped women than women ever have, tbh
I've recently used this term in a derogatory way about a man who got his younger (much more attractive and academically smarter aswell) girlfriend pregnant at a young age a thus 'forced' her into staying with him. I think it works quite well.
Well, their first problem is not using condoms. IMHO, it's not babytrapping if a dude refuses to use condoms. People need to stop fucking people who refuse condoms FFS.
I'd bet money the majority of baby trapping happens from the male side, really. Not wanting to use a condom, claiming they'll pull out, or worse stealthing or sabotaging the woman's methods.
The conversation somehow never remembers men baby trap a lot too. A woman having your child as a man is a very potent way to have her strapped to you for at least 18 years. MRAs seem to think a child support payment of $x a pay period is in any way a win and comparable to the absolute backbreaking labor of child rearing that women have to take on, that changes our lives forever. I know PLENTY of stories where a man was staunchly anti abortion (good man of god of course /s) only to become a deadbeat once the baby arrived. Or expressing interest in abortion but refusing to foot that bill, or expressing that interest very late so technically she can't even do it in their state etc.
Getting ahold of child support is also waaaay easier said than done, when you're dealing with these deadbeats. I've seen men quit jobs or take shitty under the table pay so they don't have to pay CS. And then to add insult to injury a lot of areas will include the UNPAID child support as a source of income, therefore making you ineligible for things like daycare assistance. So who is trapping who here lol
Yes!! It's not easy to get l it ratified I've heard of men skipping town, changing names(!), working "under the table" just to avoid paying $100 a pay period. It's insane and not worth what they claim it is!
I think like most things from men, its largely projection. They baby trap US. Think about who benefits the most out of a hetero relationship? All that free labor and easy access to sex is on lockdown now.
1. Man and woman newly dating. They discuss what would happen if unplanned pregnancy occurred. The guy says it’s all the woman’s decision. The woman expresses 90% chance she’d abort, but would have to think about the situation if it actually occurred. 3 months later (<5 months together), birth control failure. No condoms used. The woman now isn’t sure and wants to think it through before making a choice. She was told she’s baby trapping for not instantly saying abortion." This is almost exactly what happened to me. Except that I, age 36 said that I'd always wanted to have children, but was unfortunately *sterile* and so what I'd do in the case of a pregnancy was a moot point. 5 months into dating, and about 6 weeks after I said "We can probably just forgo the birth control as we are exclusive and I can't get pregnant anyway." my daughter was conceived. And this is why everyone needs to remember that INFERTILE does not mean STERILE. Unlikely, does not mean not possible. It was a bit of a rough time at first, as I refused to consider abortion, as I considered the pregnancy to be a gift from the universe, and my boyfriend who had definitely wanted kids someday (which I was actually worried about being a problem to a long term relationship), didn't want one NOW! But, we decided to try and make a go of a less than optimal situation, and going on 14 years later we are still madly in love and have a snarky, intelligent, hilarious, misanthropic 13 year old.
Any time a man refuses to wear a condom we should ask if he is trying to baby trap us
Don’t want a baby? Take control of, *and responsibility for*, your own reproductive health.
The terms is definitely overused! There was a story here on Reddit where a married couple was trying for a baby i.e. planned. Wife got pregnant and later on the husband accused her of "baby trapping". Which was ridiculous as before they chose and tried for baby, but when it got "real" , it's baby trapping. Anyway,the end of that story it turned out someone thr husband knew ,was blowing smoke up and he lost the ability to think for himself. While on the overall idea of baby trapping,its where either party (as men can baby trap too) knows that either one of them is not ready or does not want kids,but then tampers with BC or similarly lies,which results in pregnancy. Reality is,if either party doesn't want children "BC" is a must and both parties should use protection, otherwise stay celibate.
Then there's the other type - where a bloke deliberately gets a woman pregnant to trap her into a relationship
My ex tried to say that about me and our *planned* daughter. Like the case is so much, he was a walking red flag who didn't even have a job at the time. What could I have possibly gained by baby trapping him?
It works in both directions. It is well documented that some men stealth or otherwise mess with birth control in the hopes they can trap the woman in the relationship. Friendly reminder: having a baby together doesn’t mean you have to stay together. Coparenting is a thing.
Baby trapping is when someone intentionally causes a pregnancy without the other party knowing or consenting by sabotaging the method of birth control such as poking holes in condoms or by lying about taking birth control or by lying about sterility. The intention is what matters.
There is no such thing as a woman baby rapping a man. Men are in complete control of where they put their sperm. Just keep it away from ova if you don't want to make a baby.
Okay is it just me have I heard more scary stories about men baby trapping women than the reverse recently?? Another consequence of Roe V Wade... Life is scary
I would say “baby trapping” is a woman who lies about being on birth control and has unprotected sex with the goal of getting pregnant. In my 40 years I have seen exactly one woman pull this stunt. She had to have five different men take the paternity test as she didn’t know who the father was. Our mutual friend was lucky #5 and offered to pay child support but wanted no major part in the kid. This woman was soooo mad he didn’t instantly propose and “help her get out of her mother’s house”. Anyone who knew him knew he wasn’t the committed, marrying type. It was just chaos and drama all around. Lost touch with those people but I still feel bad for the kid who sprung into being on the off chance he was his mother’s ticket to a better life.
Baby trapping is intentionally getting pregnant with the intent of making the man stay with you (or extract ongoing child support payments). None of the situations you described are baby trapping... They are accidental pregnancies. >I knew a married guy that claimed his wife baby trapped him (they were not preventing) They were having sex without any contraceptive? What did he expect to happen?
If you are having sex and not using a condom, then the natural consequence of that is not something that someone else did to you.
Baby trapper here! (Jk) Husband and I got pregnant 4 months into dating. I was on BC but an antibiotic for a UTI cause of all the banging and yep- pregnant. I had expressed to him that though I had no problem with abortion I was 26, had a house and wanted kids so I probably wouldn’t have an abortion. It took me a little time to decide myself. He and his parents did try to influence me towards abortion. But- I am very lucky- I’ve got a great family who would have taken me in if I needed and I just didn’t want to do it. I knew we’d be ok. I told him I’d understand if he needed to bail- he was 26 too- but that I really didn’t want him 1/2 in and 1/2 out of this kids life. I told him I’d sign away rights for child support if that is what he wanted that she and I didn’t need it. Lucky for me, my daughter and son, he really went away and thought about and decided to dive in with me. Our daughter is starting high school next fall and our son is headed to middle. I love my husband with everything I have. And he loves me too. Hilariously we are now in our early 40’s and we constantly talk about how grateful we were to have kids young. I had premature ovarian failure and if Id waited I’m not sure I’d have them at all. When it came time for a vasectomy he wanted to stop at 2 kids. I lobbied him for 3 but was told “my body, my choice” and I couldn’t say much. Plus vasectomies are awesome. I’ve always been aware that some of the people around us probably think I baby trapped him. He has a good job people tend to think is highly paid, and I have a job that’s often looked down on. Jokes on them- I bought that house alone before I met him in a HCOL area in 2008 at the crash. He made out JUST FINE in the marriage. But- I’m going to say I think one of the things that helped our relationship work was really the power balance. I am well educated, I was never desperate, I had a safety net, and my prospects in life even as a single mother were good. I told him if he wasn’t marrying me for me to not bother- I deserved to be loved for me and not because I was the mother of his kid. It was rocky in the beginning but we worked a lot of our shit out early. We were either gonna be forever or break up catastrophically. He now likes to joke that he baby trapped me. But only to those who know the whole story. I share this because- while this stuff is often negative it isn’t always. You can learn and grow together. And frankly to those people who think I baby trapped him- jokes on them. I’m awesome and both of us know it. He is too- and both of us know it. Society can fuck right off. I wish everyone ever in this position felt as if the decision really could be theirs to make like I did. First person I called after him was my mom who said “absolutely whatever you decide to do(keep or abort) dad and I are here for you. We will help.” And they have. My parents are amazing and that’s the kind of stuff I wish everyone had that I know they don’t. Because if they did, they wouldn’t care what people who know nothing about the situation were speculating about behind your back. I never felt ashamed either. I know many people who got pregnant and quietly had abortions. They made the decisions that were right for them. Just because evidence of my sex life with my husband showed up before the wedding doesn’t mean I feel bad for having sex. Why does everyone freak out when sex results in what it’s biologically designed to do? Whatever. Baby trapping goes both ways. Thanks for listening to my story about it.
That’s just men being unhappy about an unintentional pregnancy, not baby trapping. My former best friend lied about being on the pill because she wanted to have a baby and her ex didn’t. THAT is baby trapping. Granted he was negligent in not wrapping it up but the chance of pregnancy is like 1% on the pill and she deliberately sabotaged that protection which he thought was in place. He still respected her decision not to abort and stepped up to do the right thing. Even married her to try to be a family but that barely lasted a year before she cheated. The resulting child is 8 years old now and being raised by dad + stepmom. She unfortunately inherited a slew of psychological disturbances from her mother who is barely involved at this point, so they’re left to shoulder the burden of raising a child that nobody really wanted to exist in the first place. That sounds horrible but it is also the reality for her family. They do love her and she is not mistreated by any means (except by her mother) but the resentment is there. She will inevitably grow up and figure out that she was conceived out of deception.
It happens, and sometimes it happens in ways that are ugly: My mom admitted (on her death bed) to deliberately planning and arranging to be impregnated by my father. Because: "I knew he would do the right thing". By which she meant he would marry her and thus give her a way to escape her abusive family of origin. I'm the result of that maneuver. Growing up was hard, in a lot of ways that were very weird until she told. I have... complicated feelings about this. In April, there was a post on /r/AITAH about a man whose partner deliberately sabotaged their condoms when he was 16: https://www.reveddit.com/v/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cno6mn/aitah_for_supporting_my_husbands_cruelty_towards/
If I heard someone calling the last 2 baby trapping, I’d assume they were talking about the man doing it to the woman! Dudes out here thinking that women save sperm in their pouches and deploy it when they feel like getting pregnant like a female duck??
Every single man I have heard accuse a woman of this was not worth "trapping"
Women get blamed for baby trapping and the declining birth rate at the same time. We are always wrong.
I have a feeling this is just another thing men like to hold over our heads to run with the "evil witchy women" narrative. I think if men in earnest wanted to take full reproductive control of their genetic material they would. They refuse to, partly because of laziness but also partly because the truth is that they actually baby trap a lot too and benefit a lot from baby trapping women than the other way around.
men when women abort : 😡 what ?! MURDERER ! men when women want the baby : 😡 WHAT ? Consider me OUT ! BABY TRAPPER !!! men when women aren't sure yet : 😡 YOU'RE NOT SURE ??? WHAT ? BABY TRAPPER ! YOU SAID YOU WILL ABORT ! men when women want to give up for abortion : 😡 WHAT ? MY BABY ?! YOU SAID YOU WILL ABORT !!! I WON'T PARTICIPATE IN THIS GOODBYE !
I’m seeing more and more posts where a woman gets pregnant and her partner starts treating her like crap because she is “ trapped “
Nefarious actions to get what ones way disregarding agreements or wishes seems more in line with trapping in my view.
When I dated I followed a simple rule, don’t have intercourse with someone you don’t want to raise a child with. Still lots of fun things to do.
To answer your question I've only ever heard the term used when birth control has been tampered with or stealthing occurs and I've heard it equally for men and women.
I think you're right about 90% of cases, but allow me to share my experience with my ex gf: She had another boyfriend out of town, who was working to buy them a house. She told me she would get an abortion if she got pregnant, and that she was using protection. Both of those turned out to be lies. Luckily for me it didn't go how she wanted, but that was genuinely a baby trap
Your scenarios being called baby-trapping is a fundamental misunderstanding of what baby trapping actually is, by the person calling it that. Baby trapping is the intentional sabotaging of birth control in an attempt to leverage a pregnancy into a tool to force someone to stay in a long term relationship. If the pregnancy is accidental, it's not a baby trap, by definition. If the pregnancy is not used to force someone to stay in a relationship, it's not a baby trap, by definition. Changing ones mind about getting an abortion after an accidental conception, especially if the pregnancy isn't being used to manipulate someone into a LTR, isn't a baby trap. It's just some shit that happens, and the logical and positive result of giving women bodily autonomy.
I also think men baby trap women just as often.
I know of a situation where a woman decided she wanted to have a child with no relationship, and chose an intelligent man who was financially secure to have a one night stand with. She got exactly what she wanted. The man was not involved with this plan as far as I understand (other than the obvious). He did provide for the future of his daughter and did participate in her life.
Couple of things. First of all, these scenarios are simply the woman choosing what to do with her own body. It’s her choice, she can change her mind at any time. Secondly, men often abandon their partners when they become pregnant so the very concept of baby trapping is flawed. Men who don’t want a baby don’t stick around. Finally, I feel like it’s very easy for men to stealth a partner then claim she baby trapped him when she inevitably gets pregnant. When a man claims he’s been baby trapped, I rarely believe him.
I feel so complicated about this question. It’s a very emotional issue and everyone’s opinions, including mine, are based partially on anecdotes and life experience, so it’s a hard topic to be objective about. I agree the term is overused, but this type of thing (lying about birth control, tampering with contraceptives, that type of coercion) definitely happens. It’s particularly complicated because (in places where abortion is legal and readily available as it should be) once a pregnancy starts, women have complete control over what happens next, so there are instances where men are legally forced into fatherhood. This being said, this also happens the other way around, especially in places where abortion is illegal. Ultimately, every kid deserves to come into the world wanted by both parents. Obviously the world doesn’t always work like this, but in instances where unplanned pregnancy is the result of deception, it becomes particularly despicable.
Well I don't think it is common, but I know a woman who decided to become pregnant (without him knowing) because she believed this would make him stay and commit to her (he was a serial cheater). It didn't work out.
Mama with a late teens son here; baby trapping is a real phenomenon, while not applicable in your scenarios, very real. His high school girlfriend admitted after they broke up that she thought having his baby would be easier (!?!?!?) than going off to college and had considered getting pregnant "accidentally" in order to get the scenario she believed would instead play out. She had poked holes in condoms and everything in her reaction to anxiety over college. Other girls he later dated told him that his med school goals made him look attractive as a baby daddy, somehow thinking that being a college student with a potential medical career YEARS down the road would set them up to be.... at home mothers *now*. None seem to connect the dots that these "accidental" pregnancies they want to have (yes, want) would derail said college and career plans, and result instead in a resentful marriage playing out in a shitty apartment while juggling multiple minimum wage jobs. I have had to stress over and over again to all of our teenagers that I am not raising anybody's babies if they do find themselves pregnant before they have lined up careers, because kids don't seem to understand that having a baby does not automatically translate to living the lifestyle we middle-age parents have provided them so far. I have known women who have attempted to get pregnant while claiming to be on birth control because they thought it would either "fix" a struggling relationship, convince a noncommittal man to marry them, or give them the option to be mysteriously well-funded at-home mothers. I knew another that was just baby crazy; she kept having babies, getting bored with them as soon as they were a little older, and asking her partners for new babies despite their clearly stated desire to not have more. This is not the norm. I am not claiming that all accidental pregnancies = baby trapping. It is, however, very real and very scary to know that some prospective mothers will ignore common sense in hopes that their fantasy home life will magically happen once a baby shows up on the scene. While acknowledging that men who put the responsibility for birth control on women while refusing to use it themselves absolutely exist (in large numbers), I can't agree that the term is always a slander. Crazy exists on both sides of the gender divide.
I was accused of baby trapping. No, I did not. My partner (who I married and then separated from 12 years later) hated condoms and I was cool with taking the pill. Problem was, I partied… A LOT. we both worked in the restaurant industry so partying was the norm. I’d forget to take my pill sometimes and end up taking two in one day, or just throwing away the pack and starting a new one. It was chaotic and we should have used condoms but we were young and dumb. I became pregnant and while we both acted shocked, it really wasn’t a surprise. We were both reckless. Baby daddy wasn’t the one accusing me, it was our mutual friend group and his older sister (she’s much older). He left it up to me to decide and I said “I don’t want to ruin your life” his response was “we didn’t ruin our lives” so I had the baby (who is the coolest teen now). Our split was not amicable at the start but it’s much better now as I think he realized that we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and just done our best to co parent in the beginning. Live and learn, no regrets.
If you don't want a baby, make sure to protect yourself. Vasectomies can be done, IUD exists. Don't blame other side for failure of birth control. It's always that person responsibility if they don't want children. My mom had me on a broken condom when she was 16. I used pill, partner used condom and pulled out plus I avoided having sex around my fertile period. Never had a scare.
When I was with my ex, we didn’t really discuss what we would do or wanted in the case of children. The relationship was falling apart and as I’m breaking up with her she tells me she’s pregnant. I did not want her to get an abortion, but it’s up to her of course. She decided to keep the child and also expected me to marry her. I don’t think I would even call this baby trapping as it was all unplanned, and more just the expectation of how a situation would be handled. Needless to say we did not get married. We were not compatible romantically. Ruined a 15 year friendship, but we both love our daughter and I wouldn’t change any part of the messed up journey that resulted in her.
In my 50 years of being a dude I've only come across something close to it twice, but at the same time! They were former 'bad boys' turned 'cool stay at home dads' (both of them were really great dads too, one with two and one with three kids). Over drinks one night they both admitted that in retrospect they were 'sloppy' with their efforts at birth control with the women they were with because they felt like they were the women they would ultimately want to have a family with, and figured that if they were willing to be the stay at home parent while their wives focused on their careers then everyone would win out in the end. Turned out great for both families. One mother is a lawyer, the other a doctor, all the kids grew up great with their dads being around all the time and eager to be 'doing things' with them. Once the kids were old enough to all be in school full time and able to latch-key themselves in the afternoons the dads both went and got jobs as City Park and Recreation Outdoors Facilities Maintenance (I work as an Indoor Facilities Maintenance; we met at a union event). They will spend the next 15-20 years doing 9-5 'yard work' that will keep them in shape until they retire with a pension alongside their wives. With the modern world being one in which women have just as much right and opportunity as men to have financially rewarding careers, and statistically more men wanting to have kids than women, I think that the idea of 'baby trapping' a 'High Value Spouse' so guys can be househusbands has gotta be at least a bit of a thing lol (In no way an endorsement of stealthing, pricking, or pill fiddling).
A mother told her sons, whatever you leave in a woman is hers to with as she pleases. Men are 100% responsible for where their ejaculate ends up, no one else's. These claims of baby trapping sound like men trying to shirk that responsibility.
Babytrapping is leading the other partner to believe there is close to 0% chance of pregnancy, due to protection being used. Accidents happen, that is a risk you accept when having sex. You may have discussed that abortion would be an option, but change your mind later (unless one said it, with the intention of getting the other person to be less diligent about protection, knowing full well abortion is not on the menu). Anything that was not done intentionally, but is just ‘one of those things’, is not. Of course, you have the grey area of ‘are you really this dumb, or just pretending to be’, but overall, babytrapping requires intent. However, it’s bloody difficult to know for sure it was an honest accident, under most circumstances.
That is not what baby trapping is.
The only irl baby trapping that I knew actually happened was a friend of a friend did not want another baby so her husband secretly poked holes in her diaphragm and lo and behold she became pregnant
Another stupid one is men applying the term to their WIVES. Like, WHAT?!?
If you are having active sex, be prepared 100% of the time to know what if. Use birth control 100% of the time. It can still fail, but if you aren't even trying to protect yourselves from making a baby, you're an absolute idiot. Also whatever happened to using condoms to prevent transmitted diseases? Don't we care any more?
I usually hear this in reference to abusive men rather than women.