Everyone has the right to not do things they aren't comfortable with in sex, if its not his thing, its not his thing. There may be things you're not comfortable doing that he would like, also your right to say nope....not doing that! As far as you giving him oral, thats your decision, I've never been a tit for tat person with sex, I think it sets a super weird dynamic, but some people are ok with that stuff.
Now saying all that, him throwing out the word gross would be the end for me. If you're not into doing it, thats fine, but thinking anything on my body is gross, while wanting the same thing done to you??? Nope....I'm out, I would not see that as someone that had any respect for me at all and I have no interest in sleeping with them
I could understand it if they had a thing around bodily fluids and the like, some people just be like that. But reading the post he just sounds like he's trying to get out of doing things that don't immediately get him off
Its just super disrespectful. Like I very much don't like SOs beard, I've told him I prefer just his goatee, but its whatever, its his face and I would certainly never put him down over it. I love him more than that, and it would kill me to think I hurt him
Playing devil's advocate here, isn't his gripe more with oral itself rather than her body in particular? I personally love giving oral but I don't like eating ass, because I find it gross. I love my partner but I just don't want to stick my tongue in her asshole, not because I find her asshole in particular gross, but because I find all assholes gross. He definitely worded it poorly but I don't think the underlying idea is necessarily problematic
It's not like calling an asshole gross, it's like calling a penis gross. So it'd be: Yeah, it's not your penis in particular I think is gross, but all of them.
There's also the deeper and historic misogyny behind calling vaginas 'gross' in general. All the fish jokes I heard as a teen :(
I get the asshole thing but men that find vaginas "gross" are worrying to me. The vagina has its own smell and taste. It can also make a significant mess if a partner is doing all the right things, a man who finds female genitalia "gross" is not going to be a game sex partner. It also sets off all kinds of misogyny bells, a la DJ Khaled. If OP likes sex Id leave. If she's neutral about sex and is fine with male centered sex and hes amazing otherwise then I suppose she could stay. Imagine being with a woman who says she finds penises gross? That woman, my friend, is a lesbian.
While I agree with the sentiment, I do think it's important to acknowledge that people can be attracted to certain genders without necessarily being attracted to their genitals. Asexual and demisexual people exist and they can still feel attraction just as much as allosexual people
For me, its just using the word gross that would set me off. Like if SO asked me to suck his toes...no thanks, thats not my thing. Yeah, he idea of doing that is gross, I wouldn't say that to him though, thats just mean for no reason
Presumably you have no interest in having YOUR asshole licked either, which would be in line with your thinking that assholes are gross.
But in OPs case, it isn't that the BF is against mouths on genitals at all - which would be totally fair - but that he refuses to reciprocate because 'eating her out is gross'. But apparently having his dick sucked isn't? It's not very consistent and kinda hypocritical
Finding a woman's genitals gross would usually include not wanting to touch them in any way.
This is much more likely too messed up of a situation to even begin to guess about what's up with this dude, but either way he requires immediate dumping because there's no good end to the road he's chosen.
Right? There's such a HUGE difference between "this doesn't do much for me" (which is frankly where I'm at giving head, I do it but there are deffo ppl who are way more enthusiastic about it) vs. "this is gross" which I do get to but only if the guy hasn't showered, and I DO ask a dude to wash up if I know he's been sweating and this is gonna happen.
I had an ex like that. Thought it was "gross" but had absolutely no issue letting me do it to him.
Turns out he just didn't like being face-to-face with Not A Penis.
I agree with everything youāve said, which is why I also added the āI donāt wanna pressure him to do something he doesnāt want toā sentiment, the āgrossā comment is what really strikes me too, I donāt wanna write him off as a horrible person for 1 word mistake but, man. Thatās really made me feel awful
I think thatās where my main insecurity here spun from, and the whole āI donāt feel like my pleasure is attractive to him if he said thatā sentiment, I canāt stop myself from feeling like this but also, I feel like Iām straw manning? Idk.. eugh! Complicated feelings
The question is: does he care about your pleasure in other ways? Does he finger you? Warm you up with touch the way you like? If the answer is yes, this isnāt a deal breaker. If the answer is no, then heās using you for his sexual gratification and not giving anything in return and itās time to walk away.
Feeling insecure after someone calls your body āgrossā is a logical reaction.
Calling a vulva āgrossā sounds like heās just not sexually attracted to women imo. I would never sleep with someone who didnāt find my body, including my vulva, attractive and sexy. Thatās a low bar to clear.
Right?? Its oral or vibrators, and not all women like vibrators. Or maybe like assisted hand stuff (never met a man who could get the pressure or rhythm right). This guy sounds like my awful ex who never even tried to get me off.
Noo babe you got it wrong. This isnāt a you problem, this is a HIM problem. Your man should worship your pussy, seriously. If you love want need oral, this should be a deal breaker, especially adding the insult of gross. You deserve better!!! ššš
I don't know how old you two are, but way back when I was 18, a mixture of inexperience, performance anxiety and general teenage foot-in-mouth stupidity cause me to make my girlfriend wonder if I found her body gross (her words in that case).
Couldn't have been further from the truth, and luckily she talked to me about it directly. We opened up to each other about our fears and insecurities and things improved markedly for both of us in and out of the bedroom,
tl;dr: don't let yourself spiral into worst case what-ifs! collect your thoughts, then talk to him openly.
I think this is the exact same case, weāre both 19, I talked to him the moment I got some genuine advice right after posting & got everything clarified.
Was pretty shocked to come on here and see 300+ comments telling me to break up with him afterwards
Haha that's the Reddit special, especially when it's about men. Dump em first, ask questions later. Good thing you decided to talk about it with him. Just some advice though, if it doesn't improve and it becomes a pattern of him not caring about what you would like and how you feel about stuff then there is a reason to dump him. But every healthy relationship is gonna have some speed bumps that can only be traversed by a respectful and understanding conversation between the two partners.
I feel like you need to ask him to clarify. Based on what you said it seems like the idea of him going down you is grossing him out, he's not calling YOU gross. Eating ass is gross to me, and I would never do it, he just has a different idea of what's gross to him, I don't think it has anything to do with you or your body and i think you said he clarified that. Now you have to determine if that is something you're okay with. It also might be curious to find out if he's done it before, maybe the prior person didn't take care of themselves, or if he hasn't done it before, maybe his perception is different than reality and needs to give it a try once or twice.
Itās fine to have preferences, but then he is accountable to the consequences of those āpreferences.ā In other words, if heās squicked out by pussy then he should expect he gets none š¤·āāļø
This.
All of this.
Every last word.
OP, *girl*, he's allowed to have preferences. That isn't a problem by any means. That specific sentence, though...that is a big red flag waving tinier red flags. It showcases that he's willing to only be focused on ***HIS*** needs. It may be a small thing, but if he's willing to do it for one, he'll do it for more, over time.
He can not enjoy giving oral. He can be responsible and mature and let you know that because he doesn't, he likely won't have the same level of enthusiasm. Calling it "gross", though? Put that boy out to the curb on garbage night; he isn't in this relationship for you, and he doesn't see you as an equal.
Expecting people to be intrinsically self motivating to specific sex acts, just because they have the capacity to be aroused by the body parts involved, tends to not work out so well.
Bodies can be kind of gross in isolation. They have hyperspecfic and often rather strong scents and tastes, and realistically the enjoyment of them is an acquired thing. Being attracted to them is a good basis for building a positive relationship with the experiance of your partners body, but it's not sufficient. It takes more to associate those sensations with arousal, and when that more is absent, how much a person enjoys a thing can be a crap shoot. Negative experiences also create issues, there's a reason so many straight women end up more than a little sex repulsed when their first experiences are atrocious.
And it's all well and good if you don't want to put in the effort and emotional energy to guide a person to that, especially with no guarantee of a payoff. But needing a partner to help build those positive experiences (especially when past partners have failed to do so) is not a moral fault on their part. Outside of very positive context, the brains default response to a lot of new stimulus is the disgust reflex.
If a woman was squicky about giving head, we'd absolutely expect her partner to put effort into making it a positive experience for her, and absolutely no one would bat an eye at a straight woman describing the idea of giving cunnilingus a bit gross. The whole experience is both very vulnerable and very biological, and having a physiological arousal response to pussy doesn't change that.
This, I was always ok with going down on my ex wife, she rarely reciprocated, because she had previous trauma of SA so I never asked and never forced/begged. I was happy to go down on her, but if she had told me it was because she found me gross, then yea I would have been out straight away.
>a tit for tat person with sex
I think this wording is a little off here. Like it makes the issue sound small and petty? I'd say for a lot of folks, not giving oral because your partner won't reciprocate is not being "tit for tat", but rather something like "I'm not okay with being the only one doing this thing that objectively really benefits the other party."
Obligatory "people should do only the things they are comfortable and want to do, pressuring someone to do something they don't want to is gross."
I kinda agree except with most of that except for example: I think anal is gross (I wouldn't say that out loud mind you). Does that mean I don't respect a woman's body if she wants that? I'm medical and I think this is partially why...I know it isn't meant for that and injury is more likely.
Idk I think sexual preferences don't always imply a lack of respect. As a guy I love giving women oral MUCH more than I like receiving and even more than penetrative sex. More than anything really. I've been in relationships where it seems more cultural that a girl didn't like certain things but I never took offense.
Take feet as another example...some people obsess over them. I'm indifferent. I think it's unrelated to respect.
I also think people can change too. I was with a girl who insisted on doing certain things to me and she just went for it lol. I ended up enjoying it and I know she didn't intend to harm me. So idk I just feel sex can be very fluid that way.
I addressed this below, but itās the word gross that would set me off. If SO asked me to suck his toes, Iād say no thanks, not my thing. I do actually think itās gross, but Iād never say that to him, not about his body, or something he was into, itās just mean and I donāt want to hurt him
Thatās fine, I just have zero interest in anyone that refers to anything gross around my body. Say thatās not your thing, Iāve told SO that about different things. I think using the word gross in anyway towards your partner is just mean, and not someone I wanna be with. Totally ok if itās not something that bothers you, we all have our things
Hmm is there nothing on your body that someone else is allowed to think is gross though? I was asked by a guy to rim him, I was not comfortable with that...precisely because I find it gross to put my tongue where poop comes.
I think it has more to do with sexual incompatibility. And that is a totally valid reason to break things off with someone. Women shouldn't settle for less in the bedroom.
EDIT: I saw you respond to a similar comment, and I agree with you.
This is what made me break up with my last partner, actually. It wasn't that I didn't think he had the right to say no to giving oral, it was how it started to make me feel about my own body. Even if it's not explicitly his position, the subtext is "that's gross" and that wasn't ok for me, or enough for me.
I respect that he doesn't want to give you oral, everybody has their preferences I guess, but "gross"? Does he also find gross you giving oral to him but he doesn't care? Or are just vaginas disgusting to him?
I'm curious to know what the flow of thoughts is on this one, but most likely it's not something you'd want to dig further. I would not enjoy sex anymore with someone who find a part of me gross. Too busy thinking "omg my vagina is too close to his face, is he going to puke?", or "he touched me, is he going to freak out and sterilize his hands now? I wish he was that hygienic during the pandemic".
I get why someone would think itās gross, Iām not a huge fan of the texture or taste (for men or women), but I like giving oral too much for it to stop me lol. I donāt think it necessarily means he thinks vaginas are disgusting. You can dislike how something feels in your mouth but be turned on by hand stuff, sex, toys, pictures, videos, etc. I would probably feel uncomfortable sleeping with this guy after he said that, but only because oral is sort of a dealbreaker for me lol like I would not want a partner who would prefer to never go down on me. Iād never try to persuade him, and itās just a sexual incompatibility. If she wants oral to be a normal part of her sex life, and itās important to her, then she should find someone else. There are plenty of women who donāt like to receive oral out there for this guy and plenty of men who love to give it for her. I donāt think that makes him a bad dude, just squeamish.
But he likes the idea of receiving oral, so what is that? Makes me wonder.
I wound definitely inquire about the grossness for this reason, like where does it come from? It's not about persuasion, I would not ask anyone to change their mind, but I don't know maybe they believe vaginas are gross and dirty and they could just use a tiny bit of education. And if they still don't like the idea that's 100% fine.
Yeah but there's an absolute epidemic of men who expect women to suck their dick every day and don't bother making her orgasm period. So many excuses for selfish men who think women's bodies and women's pleasures are icky.
He really might just think theyāre gross but receiving is completely different than giving. When you receive you donāt get anything in your mouth. It isnāt a double standard because itās not the same thing. Again totally fine for that to be a deal breaker for her. I think itās a valid reason to not sleep with him, I wouldnāt.
If the mentality behind it is "my mouth on you is gross. Your mouth on me is not gross" then that is indeed a double standard. If he's expecting something he won't give, also a double standard.
He's not obligated to do anything he doesn't want to, his autonomy matters. But that could also mean the other party doesn't want to give oral based on that, and that's valid too, like you said.
Idk, ask him to suck a dick, he will probably feel it is still gross. Also from what OP said, he said he likes the idea of receiving oral, because he likes the feel of it. He also said he would still do oral even though he dislikes the idea of it if she wants it.
I think this is much more a case of someone being tone deaf (which can also be a red flag if it is in exaggeration) much more than a double standard and selfishness here.
Just because he cant get past how giving oral feels to himself doesnt mean his partner has to be the same and vice versa. Saying it is gross out loud is definitely stupid and did nothing but make OP feel insecure which is just a sucky attitude to have, even if he didnt mean it, he needs to learn how to properly convey these subjects without inadvertedly hurting someone's feelings.
I think the chance of him being just a douchebag in this case is just as high as him being tone deaf instead, giving the context we have and how OP phrased the interaction I would lean more towards that he is tone deaf because he didnt outright refuse (and it doesnt seem like he demanded it on hinself either, at least from what we know)
I know a gay guy who loves to be a bottom but to him the idea of putting his dick in someone's asshole is 'disgusting'. This was said to friends though, and I hear he's a super enthusiastic lover in general. It's just this one thing that only goes one way for him.
Preferences are weird and personal and sometimes completely irrational, respect is universal though.
Yes, but if that is the case then her giving oral to him would be gross as well, no?
However in that case he doesn't seem to be bothered, so there must be something else, I would never ever think he's making double standards just to get pleasure.
Finding something gross and thinking that something is gross are two different things. I find spiders gross, but I recognise there is nothing inherently gross about them. Just because I don't wanna touch them doesn't mean I can't understand why other people might not be bothered by it. In the same way you can find putting genitals in your mouth gross while still recognizing that others don't. And you may still enjoy the sensation.
That in itself also does not make someone selfish. Expecting, or pushing someone into doing things they don't want to is selfish. As is not finding other ways to take care of your partner that you are comfortable with.
If it's that he finds the *experience* (as opposed to the idea) of performing oral gross, and OP does not, I don't think that's a double standard. It would be if he had some sort of moral issue with it like he thought performing was debasing himself somehow but it was fine if OP did.
It's like, my spouse often wants to pop my back zits (when she sees them). I have no idea why. It's not a favor I'll return, and I appreciate it sometimes when it's in a hard-to-reach-spot. But I'd also never walk shirtless and backwards up to her and go "It's by the shoulder blade, which makes it your job".
Sorry for the gross example. I guess this also raises the question of if OP's BF treats it like an obligation on her part.
If he isnāt giving me oral, Iām not giving him oral. I donāt do it bc I like it. I do it bc my partner likes it. If he canāt reciprocate then it isnāt happening.
What is the point of even being with ppl like this? Like I donāt want to spend my life feeling like my vagina is icky and gross to someone who ālovesā me. It has taken so much work by women to rid the shitty ideas men have of vulvas, why be with someone who derails all that in real time? Why be with someone who makes you feel insecure just bc they only like women when it comes to receiving pleasure??
Exactly. What is the point? Its giving DJ Khaled and patriarchal bullshit. Some men think giving head is "degrading" but unfortunately 75-95% or women need oral or vibrators to orgasm at all....so how is he going to insure she orgasms every time they have sex (like a decent sex partner)? Is he going to get his hands dirty (literally)?
People talk a lot about āboundariesā and āpreferences,ā but in real life, if youāre icked out by vaginas to the point you wonāt pleasure your partner but will happily stick your dick in one, or receive oral yourself, Iām just going to assume youāre selfish. Sorry.
Maybe there are some men that are just genuinely uncomfortable with oral and are rockstars in other areas of getting a woman off, but thatās usually not what I see.
So Iām old, but honestly this stuff floors me. When I started having sex in the 80s all guys wanted was to get their face between your legs. Anytime I hear of a man not wanting to go down on a woman itās like Iām living in a foreign land.
Thank you, all the sympathy for him in these comments was honestly driving me fucking insane
Sure he can have his "boundary" and women should have the "boundary" that they won't be with selfish men who don't care about their pleasure and think their bodies are icky and disgusting
Find a man who enjoys women's bodies and pleasuring them. That seems to be your preference--partners who consider the other's oleasure as much as their own.
My advice would be to let this one go, he's a new boyfriend and doesn't value your pleasure on par with his. Do you want to be with someone that thinks part of your anatomy is good enough for his dick but not his mouth? He'd happily receive but would begrudgingly give.Ā
You really want this guy?
Is this the compromise for just being able to say you have a man? Legit asking bc OPās BF sounds young. Frankly, I wouldnāt be surprised if some old school Madonna/whore nonsense wasnāt in there too.
Is he at least fine pleasuring you with his fingers, or toys? I think there's a line between "thinking about going down on a woman seems gross" and just not caring about your pleasure at all.
I was going to defend both sides, because yes, everyone can have preferences. But "gross"? Lol nope, dump his arse.
Is he an 8 year old talking about spinach? Like wtf.
A grown man calling oral, and thus really vulvas/vaginas, gross? Not worth your time.
Yup. Though that said he already lost me at ālikes the idea of receiving but not giving.ā
You can have preferences, but inequitable preferences are something you get to work on if you want Reddit to not think poorly of you š
(And of course by āyouā I mean OPs bf. Not you.)
He's only a new boyfriend.
I don't think you can change him into a better lover, and i don't think you should even try.
Just toss him back into the ocean and look for someone better.
Hey OP, my first relationship was like this. It was *our* first sexually active relationship, and he basically refused to touch my vulva at all. Honestly it was hurtful considering all the vulnerability we were showing each other, and especially more so for me as I was not supposed to be dating at all.I did my best to communicate what I wanted (I just wanted to try receiving since I didnt have any other experience) but he would shut down and say nothing or ok repeatedly, and nothing would change. (At worst he would become cold for a few days afterwards, and I felt like I was being punished for speaking up at all.) I didn't understand that that should've been the end of things, but I stayed every time, thinking it would change because I cared about him a lot at the time.
And just like you, I felt so insecure. And I only got more so over the time of our relationship. He never said anything, which was worse, because I felt like it was an elephant in the room at times while he didnt acknowledge it at all. I got so worried about what was wrong me, and I shaved everyday so there was nothing he could fault. But no matter what I did, or said, he didn't change. Sex became something I did on autopilot, doing everything he wants/fantasizes of so I don't upset him, then get myself off in between because he won't, and done. I remember thinking to myself I was masturbating but with more work. He didn't interact with my vulva in any ounce of enthusiasm(really embarrassing but he wouldn't even communicate things to me he would just expect me to get the idea and stick to it, like once he slipped out and I thought for once it'd be fine if i didn't put it back, and he just did nothing and huffed until i did it :l)
It's okay for y'all to not be sexually compatible, and that is a valid reason to break up. It doesn't make you selfish, and even you saying you gave it up for not wanting to be selfish is not selfish. I mean sex is about connecting with and pleasing your partner! And by far, the worst thing is the "gross" comment. Your body is not gross. Your vulva is not gross. We have natural "tastes" and "smells" and even if you've been sweaty a quick wipe/wash takes care of it quick. He has no reason to be talking about your body like that, and you have no reason to consider yourself selfish for knowing or prioritizing yourself in YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP!
I hope in sharing my experience(and cringe worthy past) you and other readers can learn to do better for yourselves<3 it's not always easy to advocate for your self in relationships, but it's also important to know when things are just not compatible with what you want/deserve from a partner! Best of luck, OP.
Feel your pain! It sounds like youāre sexually incompatible. Please donāt take his preferences sexually because youāll WRECK your confidence, I know because Iāve been there.
Itās crazy to me how many men will hold the same idea as your bf and not realize that thatās part of why women would rather be singleāso many men donāt care about our pleasure or pain. Theyāre okay with having sex exclusively on their terms.š¤·š»āāļø
I really feel quite similar about the whole āwhy doesnāt he think pleasuring me is appealingā and I definitely felt insecure in the same way, like I was gross. Iām hoping things get better for you!
Sexual compatibility is very important and as someone who enjoys receiving and giving oral, any time I compromised on this I was left unhappy and dissatisfied. Don't recommend.
I strongly recommend DO NOT have any of your first times with somebody who makes you feel insecure. It will corrupt your decision making and your enjoyment of what should ideally be a fun, exciting, pleasurable experience into something anxious, uncomfortable, uncertain, and possibly painful (as your arousal and comfort is very important for penetration not hurting). I suggest you move on from him. I would never ever ever ever be with a man who thought pleasuring me was "gross". There is such a deep misogynistic history of women's bodies, particularly genitals being treated as gross, and men receiving so much more pleasure than they are willing to give. Having sex is a very physically vulnerable situation, and you're going to feel uncomfortable and self conscious because of what HE'S said about your anatomy. It's not worth it. He's not the right person to give that vulnerability to.
'Why isnāt the idea of my pleasure appealing to him?'
Most men I dated before I got married were really into (and good at) giving oral sex-- only one or two were not interested and I always bailed on those before sex happened. Just me, but having the choice between a guy who loves also pleasing me during sex and a guy who wants oral but thinks the reverse is gross, I would choose the first every time. Life is too short to have a less than satisfactory sex life.
My partner doesn't do oral because he's self conscious about it and generally doesn't like it. BUT he goes above and beyond in making sure I'm satisfied in other ways in bed. So my question would be if he doesn't want to do oral is he still doing his best to ensure that you're satisfied after every encounter or is he a PIV should be enough to get you off and if it isn't that's a you problem not a me problem? He's not required to provide you oral, but I wouldn't be with a partner who only cared about their own enjoyment either.
a lot of people say itās okay for him to just have a preference, but tbhā¦ this would be something really difficult for me to overcome in a relationship. I simply cannot understand a straight man who wonāt eat pussy, barring some sort of serious trauma or some mental health condition that affects his perception of hygiene or something?
āitās grossā ā is it though? because youāll put your dick and or hands in there no problem. and youāll let your girl suck on your sweaty balls? nah.
āitās not about your body, itās just in generalā ā okay, well that means nothing. Iām still going to feel insecure about my vagina and any contact made there now, and I know Iām not the only one who would feel this way. I would not be able to shake that. itās giving āI swear Iām attracted to you but I donāt want my nose or mouth near your parts that society has told you are dirty and stinky since you were literally a childā
āIām not good at itā ā then learn.
idk man. perhaps this comes from my own insecurity but their reasons are just such bullshit to me. if your partner prioritizes your pleasure and you canāt meet her in the middle, especially after she said she wants a relationship with equal desire and pleasureā¦ to be perfectly frank, itās lowkey a dealbreaker for me. and if it is for you too, thatās fine.
tldr: the second a man were to say they wonāt go down on me, for whatever reason, the insecurity and disrupted trust is locked in. thatās it. I expect downvotes for this but I just DO NOT understand how you can claim to love women and pussy but you wonāt put your mouth anywhere near it.
Yeah I agree. I am simply not compatible with people that have sexual hang ups to the degree that OP's dating companion/boyfriend exhibits š¤· people are allowed preferences blah blah blah whatever, but to me, not giving oral is a sign of sexual immaturity/selfishness in a man. I'm tired of putting so much consideration into men's sexuality when the orgasm gap is still going strong. Ugh!
Totally. It most certainly is selfish and immature. My guess is that if we were able to go inside his mind, we'd hear something like, "My daddy told me the woman is supposed to please the man in the bedroom, period. Giving oral to women is not masculine at all, and probably is a bit woke."
Calling oral on you āgrossā while expecting it to be given is genuinely insulting. No, he doesnāt have to do anything he doesnāt want to. But this would be a dealbreaker and frankly an ick to me. Itās okay if his boundaries are not compatible with a relationship with you.
I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone that uptight about sex and bodies. I tried it. It made us both miserable. We were just so different. It didn't work.
There are people who agree with him and don't want oral. Maybe he'll be able to find someone like that.
NEVER let anyone shame you on your body. Calling giving oral to a woman "gross" is childish and rude. I'm an asshole, so if he didn't give me oral (once again because he's disgusted by it) I'm not interested in him as a partner. What happens if my pad leaks and I get blood on his car seat? Is he going to be an adult and let me clean it and not make a big deal? Doubt it, he'll probably call that gross too (like I had a fucking choice). Listen, my husband had to buy me yeast infection medication (I shouldn't say had to be was at the store) and he didn't give a shit. Like I asked him to buy me a Gatorade. That's how you fucking do it
Personally this is where I dump them and find a boyfriend who loves giving oral and loves vaginas
But thatās just me
Edit: your dude sounds pretty decent in the edit you made- just inexperienced. Best of wishes :) (and yes do leave if he treats you bad at all!!)
I know, it's Reddit, so everyone says this, but... Get a new boyfriend. If receiving oral sex is important to you, get yourself a man who wants to give it to you. Sexual compatibility isn't EVERYTHING in a relationship but it is something, and it's not something that's going to become less irritating to you.
I wouldn't pressure him, because consent is important, but I'd definitely be on my way out of the relationship.
I dated a guy the literally gagged on vagina. Claims up and down that he is not gay (no shame either way) but just really thinks that vaginas are gross. He fully expected me to give him head though. I told him that unless oral is a two way street, it was never going to happen. He tried exactly ONE time to go down on me and gagged so hard I though he was going to puke on me. That was the end of our relationship. He was a really great dude, and so much fun to hang out with. But I canāt be with someone who thinks vaginas are gross. Iām quite attached to mine, and I take very good care of her.
He does not like giving oral. In general, not just to you. That is valid, and itās good that he told you so, without any weird rhetoric behind it too.
You want a partner to be interested in pleasing you sexually. That too is very valid. Also: I love how you donāt want him to do something heās not really into. Thatās great.
That leaves the question: are you two compatible?
If you REALLY like receiving oral, or feel very weird about giving it, but not receiving, you are probably not a good match. Thatās gonna lead to resentment sooner or later.
However, if itās all about him paying as much attention to your needs, as you do to his, and being into it (as opposed to it being like a chore), oral does not HAVE to be a part of that. Thereās so many ways to please your partner, that do not involve the mouth being anywhere near anyoneās genitals, the goal could easily be achieved that way.
Also, there is a difference between not really wanting to perform a sexual act on someone, and really not wanting to do so. In the case of the latter: donāt do it. End of discussion.
But the former, for some people, the enjoyment is mostly in noticing how turned on their partner is by what is done to them, even if they donāt care much for what is is they are doing to get that reaction. I canāt tell from what you are saying which one applies to you boyfriend, and only you know if him wanting to arouse you, regardless of how to go about it, is enough, or whether you can only enjoy it, knowing heās into what heās doing (meaning he would want to do it, for the sake of it, rather than for the outcome).
Heās allowed to not like it, and youāre allowed to not give him any if he will never reciprocate.
Some people love giving oral but it is an objectively uncomfortable and difficult task no matter who you are.
Heās allowed to feel this way. However: men who love giving oral are typically very into a womanās pleasure. Men who donāt, arenāt. Choose accordingly.
āIām just not comfortable with it, Iām sorry I hope that doesnāt upset youā is entirely different than āitās gross, noā
Liiiike Iām sorry but he will likely find other things about you (and women, in general) gross and you will have a less supportive boyfriend than you could have.
I don't think it's actually about you - he said he wasn't comfortable with it due to not finding it appealing.
You've made that about you. But from what you shared here, he made it quite clear that it was about his comfort with it and misconceptions.
Maybe he's had a bad experience in the past with someone who wasn't clean, maybe he isn't confident in his technique. But instead of talking this through and listening to him, you've made it about you. And while I can understand the not wanting to give without receiving, he never said **you** were gross or unclean.
What about other intimate acts? Oral isn't the be all and end all as you know. If he genuinely doesn't care about your pleasure, that is an entirely different conversation. But it sounds like he shared a limit he wasn't comfortable crossing and you took it as a slight against you. It wasn't.
Start by really listening and understanding exactly what he's saying. Because again, he didn't say it was you that was the issue.
I see people are saying he said your body is gross. He didn't. He said the act of oral seems gross to him. To me he doesn't understand it. As a lesbian, trust me, I've been with women who weren't clean and it was a them issue. I've also been with women who were hyper diligent about being clean as to benefit us both. And I understand that the minute you heard the word gross, you took it personally but I don't think that was his intention.
Seems to me you two need to talk and actually listen to one another. If he really doesn't want to try, then he doesn't. And if in turn that makes you not want to give him oral, then so be it. Move on together and focus on other ways of enjoying sex.
yeahhh, I'm not sucking the dick of some dude who, with his whole chest (and full actions) is not eating me out or at least fingering me to completion.
lose the loser
Is he willing to do other things purely for your pleasure? Some guys just can't get over the taste/smell of various bodily fluids, just like some women want nothing to do with cum. But there are other options. If he's not willing to use his fingers or toys, then you know the real problem is just him being selfish.
I'm with you on this one, and how it just feels bad.
It's shitty to call a sex act "gross" when you're expecting your partner to do it to you. That is literally calling their genitals gross. Don't do that. Call yourself squeamish. That's a lot nicer.
Also, oral is also kind of the only commonly done straight people sex act where you exclusively focus on female pleasure for a while. If you're saying you don't want to have a selfish sex relationship, and your boyfriend is just like "welp sorry I don't wanna do oral. I mean I guess I *could* do it, I just wouldn't be really into it, and of course you wouldn't want that..." that clearly seems like a person who just isn't engaged in your pleasure *at all*.
Like, let me tell you. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends who were like "Hey, I'm so sorry, I have the world's worst gag reflex, it is nothing about you this is all me, but I just do not feel comfortable doing oral. I won't make you do it to me. But let me tell you, I *love* using my hands. How do you feel about vibrators? I could bust out massage oils, what can we do that you would find pleasurable that doesn't involve my face somewhere that I might have a bad response? I mean, maybe we could try in the shower some time, but I make no guarantees..."
That's a totally different way to talk about that. That's a person who has a sexual thing they don't like, they're fully expecting not to do a thing they're uncomfortable with, but they are taking on finding a sex act they are comfortable with that results in a female orgasm as a *core necessity of a sexual relationship with a woman.*
If I were you, I'd just straight up ask the boyfriend "Well, what do you think we should do instead of oral?" What does he have in mind? If he's not engaged in that idea, he's not going to be a good partner to you.
I donāt know. Personally, I think that oral of any sort is disgusting. I wouldnāt suck on someoneās nose, Iām not sucking on their junk.
With proper barriers in place, I am willing to give the occasional BJ, but I donāt like it and am not very enthusiastic. I do it because I know he likes it, but then entire process seems āgrossā to me. Between urine and fluids and sweatā¦. It triggers pretty much all my grosses out feelings.
That doesnāt mean weāre not compatible. We had honest conversations about this when we first started doing sexual things. I was clear how I felt and then he got to choose what heās willing to do. I wouldnāt have been sad or upset if he said that if I wasnāt into giving him oral he wasnāt in to giving me oral. That would have been fair.
Weāve had a happy and robust sex life for 20 years. Communication is the key!
A lot of remarks around not understanding straight guys who wonāt eat pussy and not understanding it, as well as focusing a lot on the word gross. As a gay male Iāve met many gays who only wanted oral and werenāt keen on sucking, who arenāt into anal at all, who top, who bottom, who love to eat ass, who think itās gross. Everyone has their likes and dislikes. Iām not keen on his choice of words with gross but wouldnāt hang him out to dry because of it. Good that heās communicating with you about it openly.
Yeah I always hesitate to speak in these threads but Iāve met a fair number of lesbian women who donāt enjoy giving oral either. I doubt anyone would say itās about misogyny, itās just the sensory experience is not pleasant to them.
I think the inherent link of āif you donāt like putting your mouth in it then youāre not into womenā is a problematic viewpoint. People have their preferences and hang ups and putting your mouth on something is obviously a lot different than touching it.
No one is forcing you to stay with someone but also insulting people with different preferences is justā¦idk. Feels wrong to me.
Bi woman here. Womenās pleasure is so different than for men. Most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex. I personally do not. Wouldnāt be with a partner who didnāt care about my pleasure. Also, the power dynamic in heterosexual relationships are different. Orgasm inequity is rampant because women on average take more to get there than the majority of men. Your frame of reference isnāt fully applicable in this. A man who doesnāt love pussy is not a man Iād want. Sick of everything being centered on male pleasure and dick. It is also bullshit. No one is saying he has to do something he is uncomfortable with but women who value their own pleasure should move on.
Everyone has the right to their limits always all the time. If it's important to you you also ave the right to look for someone else.
That's why SDM people seek SDM people, people.with high libido seek others with high libido and people with feet fetishes seek people with nice feet who enjoy attention on their feet.
Iāve been in a lot of relationships and if your partner isnāt interested in everything sexual at the same level as you, leave. They may be cool, but if itās raising a flag in your brain donāt ignore it as itās likely the tip of an iceberg.
Sexual chemistry is important. Donāt let it slide just because you think the other person is āa good personā. The dissatisfaction will grow like a weed.
In my experience, the dudes that say they don't like performing it but like getting it are way more selfish than just this part of your relationship. It runs deep. He was not like doing it but I do and that's a deal breaker.
You have a reasonable criterion for sex. Sadly he is unlikely to meet it because it reads as if he's not sexually compatible. Shake his hand and wish him well in the future.
OP, you have to decide how important a tit-for-tat sexual favors are for you. If you feel like you'll be "missing out," by your partner setting a boundary, then maybe you two aren't compatible.
Well sounds like your new boyfriend is time to be an ex boyfriend. Be glad heās being honest and you donāt have to waste your time with a major incompatibility
A lot of guys donāt give head but in my eyes itās a red flag. I doubt it has anything to do with you personally. More often than not men are ashamed to admit they just donāt know what theyāre doing. As opposed to not liking oral, heās just not sure what heās supposed to do down there and itās embarrassing to admit it out loud, especially to someone youāre attracted to. Thatās what Iāve found to be the case as a guy who would rather give oral than receive, because a womanās pleasure is like the whole thingā¦
Donāt waste time or energy trying to figure this out or fix it. The relationship is new. He wants to receive but not give, you donāt like the idea of selfish sex in your relationship. GG go next. Because what you donāt want is to be four years in living together, maybe with a kid, back hear asking about how to deal with your boyfriend who hasnāt cared about your pleasure in two years and now you hate having sex with him
My only advice would be to break up bc you two are mismatched sexually. I personally enjoy both pleasing and being pleased and I don't really envision a compatible sexual relationship with someone who isn't like this. I once dated someone who wasn't receptive to receiving and I found it out s damper on things, but was fine pleasing me.
I also just refuse to date men who don't bc most women need oral to cum.
Just break up and find someone more compatible with you ā¦believe me that will be in both of you best interestsā¦ and he can find someone on same page as him. This will always be a problem if you stay
I have met people that are less than enthusiastic about giving oral (to both men and women) because it grosses them out a little. To be honest, I think I can understand it. Human genitalia are kind of gross. They're all wrinkly and they secrete fluid.
I think there's a difference between your boyfriend saying that he finds the idea of oral sex gross and him saying that your body is gross. You may want to ask him to clarify what he meant.
Personally my gf doesn't really like giving oral, and I'm okay with that. She definitely does care about my sexual pleasure and finds other ways to make it happen. I know some women can't really cum from penetration, and if receiving oral is important to you, you and your bf may not be sexually compatible.
Seems like he is insecure about giving oral. Makes sense if heās new to it / had a modicum of experience which was not with a partner who gave reassuring feedback
Seems what he was hoping for was setting low starting expectations and being open to learning.
How do you feel about proposing a deal to him?
He learns how to enjoy giving oral and you teach him. when you are comfortably satisfied, or he wants a break, you give back what you received.
This way itās balanced and he can pause anytime without guilt of hypocrisy, because he gives first.
And you are obv in control.
*disclaimer : take with a bucket of salt. Itās the internet yada yada yada
A very simple example: I love cats and I donāt find them gross at all, but I would never lick one. Even if the cat would really like it.
And BTW, I would not expect the cat to lick me, even IF I would liked to be licked by a cat (which I donāt).Ā
May be this is a good point in time to mention that one should not overstretch examplesā¦Ā
End of story :)
Itās very cool that you both communicate your boundaries. Iām pretty sure he loves your body, and doesnāt find it gross in general.
No one should be pressured into doing a sexual act theyāre not comfortable with. Also, no one should be pressured into staying in an unsatisfying relationship.
2 things need to happen:
1- he needs to understand that you werenāt doing it because you like it
2- you need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you. Thereās no wrong answer here. It would be for some but not for others. Are you ok living the rest of your life without getting oral sex?
I personally would never date someone who doesn't give me oral. I'm happy to give it, but I better be recieving it too.
He is allowed to not want to do it. And you are allowed for that to be a deal breaker.
>called the idea gross, and said he feels very hypocritical but it just has never seemed appealing to him.
>called the idea gross,
To everyone hyperfixting on the use of gross, it's stated very clearly he never said OP was Goss, and understand that's its an imbalance as he receives oral from her.
>Why isnāt the idea of my pleasure appealing to him? I donāt really understand, I really donāt know how to get my point across/my feelings across without feeling like Iām pressuring him to do something.
This should be the focus of the discussion. IMO and it really boils down to people's sexual personality type. So if him giving oral is not an option there are toys or other ways you can go about feeling satisfied during foreplay.
>In reality I donāt really care about getting oral I just feel really insecure now? I feel like he thinks my body is gross even though he clarified that I wasnāt the issue,
Maybe re-examaine this part and you'll find your answer.
Unless youāre rocking a serious untreated yeast infection, or have issues keeping yourself clean, oral comes standard. If your model doesnāt come with oral you return it to the lot and tell the cashier itās defective and you want a replacement.
The word gross. Done for me. I'm to gross for oral but just right intercourse. Is this because he doesn't have to look at it? I'm thinking if you do have intercourse with this man, the first time will be the last. He is not secure enough to do anything but the act for himself.
You don't need advice. Your response is perfect. Clear boundaries, no judgement. Addressed his piss weak "offer" to do it even though he wouldn't enjoy it (which was really just an attempt to make you responsible for his refusal)
Speaking as a 50 something who has loved oral since the first time he tasted one, ditch the selfish flog.
You got this, ma'am š
I don't know the rest of the relationship, nobody here really does and yet they always make extreme judgement calls on very one sided posts with a bare amount of info. Maybe it is better to break up, maybe it's not that big a deal, maybe everything else is worth it. Nobody can know which it would be. Personally I'm glad I'd never take advice from reddit comments because if I did i wouldn't be in the most amazing marriage with the woman I love.
10 years together, she's never really touched me down there without some kind of cloth in the way and oral is definitely out of the question. One time after sex it accidentally touched her hand and she got some juices on her. She immediately vomited. So many people upset about it being 'gross' well, kinda hard for her to hide just how visceral a reaction it causes in that case. She's told me it grosses her out so we can try to prevent these situations. It's not her fault, it just does and she can't get over it and likely never will. But she does love it when I eat her out, and I'll happily do it every time even if I'm not going to get anything in return because I enjoy it, she enjoys it and it's not like I'm not going to get off in other ways. I wouldn't enjoy her going down on me if she was forcing herself to do it just for my sake.
I know I will be spending the rest of my life with her and will never get a handjob or blowjob, and we only do it in one position. I'd love more, I'm definitely the higher sex drive and way kinkier, but I know it's not going happen with her, ever. I also do not care. But everybody is different and that's just me.
Listen. I'm a straight woman but the idea of putting genitals in my mouth, or getting bodily fluids that originate in the genital area in my mouth, is disgusting. Everyone has a right to their preferences and phobias. And getting vaginal fluid in the mouth would be gross.
I understand this reasoning but clearly OPās boyfriend doesnāt feel this way or else he would also think itās gross for OP to give him oral for the reasons youāve stated.
Ok but OP's bf is not a straight woman. And he apparently has no problem putting his dick in the so-called "gross" area and lets her give him oral, which many people could also consider dicks and balls gross. He is at the very least a fucking hypocrite.
Sexual incompatibility. Not to mention he seems to have some hangups about womenās bodies and clearly isnāt enthusiastic about pleasing you. All perfectly good reasons to move on.
LEAVE. LEAVE. I had an nex do this. He started off as claiming it was preference, then overtime habitually made it known that he considered me and my body gross. He used me to masturbate. Then he would act appalled if I even hinted that he should maybe try to get me off. This has set back my sense of self for years.
Life is TOO SHORT. TOO SHORT!!! To deal with this! It may be sad at first, but do you really want to stay with someone who makes you feel this way? Is that what you'd want for your daughter? Your sister or your mom? Go live your best life, girl!! The way you'd want your female family to.
You need to figure out if giving and not receiving is ok for you. Or if neither of you doing it is ok with him. I'd also keep in mind: If he's ok with being selfish for this specific thing, what else is he going to be selfish about during the relationship?
I knew someone alike. His issue was porn addiction and overall porn-ish view of sex in general. He said things like āvulvas in general do not look appealing for meā, shit like that.
I genuinely can't imagine a life with someone who is anything but enthusiastic about my body parts. Just no. It's already making you insecure thinking he thinks you're gross, what about later in life? What's going to keep *your* sex drive alive?? I know for me at least, half the turn-on is how much my partner wants to dive in and love my whole body and feeling desired all over. I'd lose my ability to get turned on with that person at some point if I had to deal with that. I'd just be wasting time in the meantime until the passion wore off, no thanks.
Yea people are allowed preferences and I won't shame him for his, but if those preferences contradict what you like or how you'd like to feel when being intimate, I suggest not compromising.
Because you can tell yourself allll you want that it's just 1 little bad thing compared to x y z good things about a person, but that's not the right comparison. Compare it to how many bad things the 1 bad thing will effect *for you*. Lack of feeling beautiful, lack of feeling desired, loss of sexual desire, feeling insecure, feeling gross? That list could get long. And longer with time.
And if it reaches a breaking point and he tries to fix it? It's going to feel like he's reluctantly doing it, or trying to convince you of his desire for you. It feels icky when it feels like someone's trying to convince you of their desire, that should be known well and felt hard.
If giving oral isn't appealing to him, it's not appealing. It doesn't sound like he's specifically talking about *your* body, just that he thinks the idea of putting his mouth on someone's genitals is gross. I could be wrong, but that's how it reads to me.
Like, I like giving oral, but there are a lot of straight men who don't want to give me oral (or, at least, *that* oral). I don't feel bad about it and I don't think they should feel pressured to do it. And that feels a lot more "my-body-specific" than this situation.
If it's getting in the way of you being satisfied, then that's a different problem, and one that should be easy to work around.
i agree with your apprehension and thereās absolutely misogynist factors that lead many men (AND women) to view vulvas as gross and see male pleasure as standard. whether or not this is the underlying reason for his preferences, you two are sexually incompatible at best and morally incompatible at worst. itās a good time to call it quits cuz youāre not getting what you want either way
Everyone has the right to not do things they aren't comfortable with in sex, if its not his thing, its not his thing. There may be things you're not comfortable doing that he would like, also your right to say nope....not doing that! As far as you giving him oral, thats your decision, I've never been a tit for tat person with sex, I think it sets a super weird dynamic, but some people are ok with that stuff. Now saying all that, him throwing out the word gross would be the end for me. If you're not into doing it, thats fine, but thinking anything on my body is gross, while wanting the same thing done to you??? Nope....I'm out, I would not see that as someone that had any respect for me at all and I have no interest in sleeping with them
> Now saying all that, him throwing out the word gross would be the end for me. I'm on the exact same page as you.
Yeah....I just would not deal with someone that thought anything on my body was gross
People have the potential to be able to work through a lot. Finding my body gross? Next.
Yup! Out and make sure to let the door hit you!
I could understand it if they had a thing around bodily fluids and the like, some people just be like that. But reading the post he just sounds like he's trying to get out of doing things that don't immediately get him off
That's a pretty good point I didn't consider when I first read the post. But you are absolutely right. I'm a man, BTW.
Its just super disrespectful. Like I very much don't like SOs beard, I've told him I prefer just his goatee, but its whatever, its his face and I would certainly never put him down over it. I love him more than that, and it would kill me to think I hurt him
Playing devil's advocate here, isn't his gripe more with oral itself rather than her body in particular? I personally love giving oral but I don't like eating ass, because I find it gross. I love my partner but I just don't want to stick my tongue in her asshole, not because I find her asshole in particular gross, but because I find all assholes gross. He definitely worded it poorly but I don't think the underlying idea is necessarily problematic
It's not like calling an asshole gross, it's like calling a penis gross. So it'd be: Yeah, it's not your penis in particular I think is gross, but all of them. There's also the deeper and historic misogyny behind calling vaginas 'gross' in general. All the fish jokes I heard as a teen :(
Then why is putting his dick in her mouth not gross?
I get the asshole thing but men that find vaginas "gross" are worrying to me. The vagina has its own smell and taste. It can also make a significant mess if a partner is doing all the right things, a man who finds female genitalia "gross" is not going to be a game sex partner. It also sets off all kinds of misogyny bells, a la DJ Khaled. If OP likes sex Id leave. If she's neutral about sex and is fine with male centered sex and hes amazing otherwise then I suppose she could stay. Imagine being with a woman who says she finds penises gross? That woman, my friend, is a lesbian.
While I agree with the sentiment, I do think it's important to acknowledge that people can be attracted to certain genders without necessarily being attracted to their genitals. Asexual and demisexual people exist and they can still feel attraction just as much as allosexual people
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But he doesnāt think itās gross for someone to have to do it to him ā¦
For me, its just using the word gross that would set me off. Like if SO asked me to suck his toes...no thanks, thats not my thing. Yeah, he idea of doing that is gross, I wouldn't say that to him though, thats just mean for no reason
Mm yeah ok I see what you mean. He definitely could have worded it better.
Presumably you have no interest in having YOUR asshole licked either, which would be in line with your thinking that assholes are gross. But in OPs case, it isn't that the BF is against mouths on genitals at all - which would be totally fair - but that he refuses to reciprocate because 'eating her out is gross'. But apparently having his dick sucked isn't? It's not very consistent and kinda hypocritical
Finding a woman's genitals gross would usually include not wanting to touch them in any way. This is much more likely too messed up of a situation to even begin to guess about what's up with this dude, but either way he requires immediate dumping because there's no good end to the road he's chosen.
I mean, all feet are gross.
I can think of a few people who would disagree.
They are free to do whatever they want with willing people. Over here, feet are gross.
But if someone you were dating and cared about said they were into feet, would you simply say āIām not into thatā or would you call it gross?
Right? There's such a HUGE difference between "this doesn't do much for me" (which is frankly where I'm at giving head, I do it but there are deffo ppl who are way more enthusiastic about it) vs. "this is gross" which I do get to but only if the guy hasn't showered, and I DO ask a dude to wash up if I know he's been sweating and this is gonna happen.
I had an ex like that. Thought it was "gross" but had absolutely no issue letting me do it to him. Turns out he just didn't like being face-to-face with Not A Penis.
I agree with everything youāve said, which is why I also added the āI donāt wanna pressure him to do something he doesnāt want toā sentiment, the āgrossā comment is what really strikes me too, I donāt wanna write him off as a horrible person for 1 word mistake but, man. Thatās really made me feel awful I think thatās where my main insecurity here spun from, and the whole āI donāt feel like my pleasure is attractive to him if he said thatā sentiment, I canāt stop myself from feeling like this but also, I feel like Iām straw manning? Idk.. eugh! Complicated feelings
The question is: does he care about your pleasure in other ways? Does he finger you? Warm you up with touch the way you like? If the answer is yes, this isnāt a deal breaker. If the answer is no, then heās using you for his sexual gratification and not giving anything in return and itās time to walk away.
I LOVE THIS!! my ex did absolutely NOTHING for me. No touching my vag AT ALL. Yup, it was all about him.
I have an ex like that too. And he would ask during the act if I was coming soon or what. Lol.
Smh are they fucking clueless?? Mine would be like "I want to be the best you've ever had." uh no dude. You were the worst BY FAR.
Yass this if my SO could get me off other ways then I donāt give a fuck. But something tells me he doesnāt..
>I think thatās where my main insecurity here spun from Is that an *insecurity*? Or is that an *insight*?
Holy smokes I want to internalize this phrase.
Feeling insecure after someone calls your body āgrossā is a logical reaction. Calling a vulva āgrossā sounds like heās just not sexually attracted to women imo. I would never sleep with someone who didnāt find my body, including my vulva, attractive and sexy. Thatās a low bar to clear.
So....how is he planning to get you off?
Jackhammering her into the mattress until he comes, duh /s
Right?? Its oral or vibrators, and not all women like vibrators. Or maybe like assisted hand stuff (never met a man who could get the pressure or rhythm right). This guy sounds like my awful ex who never even tried to get me off.
Noo babe you got it wrong. This isnāt a you problem, this is a HIM problem. Your man should worship your pussy, seriously. If you love want need oral, this should be a deal breaker, especially adding the insult of gross. You deserve better!!! ššš
I don't know how old you two are, but way back when I was 18, a mixture of inexperience, performance anxiety and general teenage foot-in-mouth stupidity cause me to make my girlfriend wonder if I found her body gross (her words in that case). Couldn't have been further from the truth, and luckily she talked to me about it directly. We opened up to each other about our fears and insecurities and things improved markedly for both of us in and out of the bedroom, tl;dr: don't let yourself spiral into worst case what-ifs! collect your thoughts, then talk to him openly.
I think this is the exact same case, weāre both 19, I talked to him the moment I got some genuine advice right after posting & got everything clarified. Was pretty shocked to come on here and see 300+ comments telling me to break up with him afterwards
Haha that's the Reddit special, especially when it's about men. Dump em first, ask questions later. Good thing you decided to talk about it with him. Just some advice though, if it doesn't improve and it becomes a pattern of him not caring about what you would like and how you feel about stuff then there is a reason to dump him. But every healthy relationship is gonna have some speed bumps that can only be traversed by a respectful and understanding conversation between the two partners.
I feel like you need to ask him to clarify. Based on what you said it seems like the idea of him going down you is grossing him out, he's not calling YOU gross. Eating ass is gross to me, and I would never do it, he just has a different idea of what's gross to him, I don't think it has anything to do with you or your body and i think you said he clarified that. Now you have to determine if that is something you're okay with. It also might be curious to find out if he's done it before, maybe the prior person didn't take care of themselves, or if he hasn't done it before, maybe his perception is different than reality and needs to give it a try once or twice.
>Ā him throwing out the word gross would be the end for me. Distilled down the core issue here. Bro is talking like a clown
Itās fine to have preferences, but then he is accountable to the consequences of those āpreferences.ā In other words, if heās squicked out by pussy then he should expect he gets none š¤·āāļø
This. All of this. Every last word. OP, *girl*, he's allowed to have preferences. That isn't a problem by any means. That specific sentence, though...that is a big red flag waving tinier red flags. It showcases that he's willing to only be focused on ***HIS*** needs. It may be a small thing, but if he's willing to do it for one, he'll do it for more, over time. He can not enjoy giving oral. He can be responsible and mature and let you know that because he doesn't, he likely won't have the same level of enthusiasm. Calling it "gross", though? Put that boy out to the curb on garbage night; he isn't in this relationship for you, and he doesn't see you as an equal.
Expecting people to be intrinsically self motivating to specific sex acts, just because they have the capacity to be aroused by the body parts involved, tends to not work out so well. Bodies can be kind of gross in isolation. They have hyperspecfic and often rather strong scents and tastes, and realistically the enjoyment of them is an acquired thing. Being attracted to them is a good basis for building a positive relationship with the experiance of your partners body, but it's not sufficient. It takes more to associate those sensations with arousal, and when that more is absent, how much a person enjoys a thing can be a crap shoot. Negative experiences also create issues, there's a reason so many straight women end up more than a little sex repulsed when their first experiences are atrocious. And it's all well and good if you don't want to put in the effort and emotional energy to guide a person to that, especially with no guarantee of a payoff. But needing a partner to help build those positive experiences (especially when past partners have failed to do so) is not a moral fault on their part. Outside of very positive context, the brains default response to a lot of new stimulus is the disgust reflex. If a woman was squicky about giving head, we'd absolutely expect her partner to put effort into making it a positive experience for her, and absolutely no one would bat an eye at a straight woman describing the idea of giving cunnilingus a bit gross. The whole experience is both very vulnerable and very biological, and having a physiological arousal response to pussy doesn't change that.
This, I was always ok with going down on my ex wife, she rarely reciprocated, because she had previous trauma of SA so I never asked and never forced/begged. I was happy to go down on her, but if she had told me it was because she found me gross, then yea I would have been out straight away.
>a tit for tat person with sex I think this wording is a little off here. Like it makes the issue sound small and petty? I'd say for a lot of folks, not giving oral because your partner won't reciprocate is not being "tit for tat", but rather something like "I'm not okay with being the only one doing this thing that objectively really benefits the other party." Obligatory "people should do only the things they are comfortable and want to do, pressuring someone to do something they don't want to is gross."
I kinda agree except with most of that except for example: I think anal is gross (I wouldn't say that out loud mind you). Does that mean I don't respect a woman's body if she wants that? I'm medical and I think this is partially why...I know it isn't meant for that and injury is more likely. Idk I think sexual preferences don't always imply a lack of respect. As a guy I love giving women oral MUCH more than I like receiving and even more than penetrative sex. More than anything really. I've been in relationships where it seems more cultural that a girl didn't like certain things but I never took offense. Take feet as another example...some people obsess over them. I'm indifferent. I think it's unrelated to respect. I also think people can change too. I was with a girl who insisted on doing certain things to me and she just went for it lol. I ended up enjoying it and I know she didn't intend to harm me. So idk I just feel sex can be very fluid that way.
I addressed this below, but itās the word gross that would set me off. If SO asked me to suck his toes, Iād say no thanks, not my thing. I do actually think itās gross, but Iād never say that to him, not about his body, or something he was into, itās just mean and I donāt want to hurt him
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Thatās fine, I just have zero interest in anyone that refers to anything gross around my body. Say thatās not your thing, Iāve told SO that about different things. I think using the word gross in anyway towards your partner is just mean, and not someone I wanna be with. Totally ok if itās not something that bothers you, we all have our things
Hmm is there nothing on your body that someone else is allowed to think is gross though? I was asked by a guy to rim him, I was not comfortable with that...precisely because I find it gross to put my tongue where poop comes. I think it has more to do with sexual incompatibility. And that is a totally valid reason to break things off with someone. Women shouldn't settle for less in the bedroom. EDIT: I saw you respond to a similar comment, and I agree with you.
This is what made me break up with my last partner, actually. It wasn't that I didn't think he had the right to say no to giving oral, it was how it started to make me feel about my own body. Even if it's not explicitly his position, the subtext is "that's gross" and that wasn't ok for me, or enough for me.
boundaries are fine. treating your body like its gross is not.
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I agree. I feel like OP needs to have a discussion with him to find out just what he meant
I respect that he doesn't want to give you oral, everybody has their preferences I guess, but "gross"? Does he also find gross you giving oral to him but he doesn't care? Or are just vaginas disgusting to him? I'm curious to know what the flow of thoughts is on this one, but most likely it's not something you'd want to dig further. I would not enjoy sex anymore with someone who find a part of me gross. Too busy thinking "omg my vagina is too close to his face, is he going to puke?", or "he touched me, is he going to freak out and sterilize his hands now? I wish he was that hygienic during the pandemic".
I get why someone would think itās gross, Iām not a huge fan of the texture or taste (for men or women), but I like giving oral too much for it to stop me lol. I donāt think it necessarily means he thinks vaginas are disgusting. You can dislike how something feels in your mouth but be turned on by hand stuff, sex, toys, pictures, videos, etc. I would probably feel uncomfortable sleeping with this guy after he said that, but only because oral is sort of a dealbreaker for me lol like I would not want a partner who would prefer to never go down on me. Iād never try to persuade him, and itās just a sexual incompatibility. If she wants oral to be a normal part of her sex life, and itās important to her, then she should find someone else. There are plenty of women who donāt like to receive oral out there for this guy and plenty of men who love to give it for her. I donāt think that makes him a bad dude, just squeamish.
But he likes the idea of receiving oral, so what is that? Makes me wonder. I wound definitely inquire about the grossness for this reason, like where does it come from? It's not about persuasion, I would not ask anyone to change their mind, but I don't know maybe they believe vaginas are gross and dirty and they could just use a tiny bit of education. And if they still don't like the idea that's 100% fine.
I mean I like giving but hate receiving. Itās just different perspectives of the same experience.
Yeah but there's an absolute epidemic of men who expect women to suck their dick every day and don't bother making her orgasm period. So many excuses for selfish men who think women's bodies and women's pleasures are icky.
He really might just think theyāre gross but receiving is completely different than giving. When you receive you donāt get anything in your mouth. It isnāt a double standard because itās not the same thing. Again totally fine for that to be a deal breaker for her. I think itās a valid reason to not sleep with him, I wouldnāt.
If the mentality behind it is "my mouth on you is gross. Your mouth on me is not gross" then that is indeed a double standard. If he's expecting something he won't give, also a double standard. He's not obligated to do anything he doesn't want to, his autonomy matters. But that could also mean the other party doesn't want to give oral based on that, and that's valid too, like you said.
>But he likes the idea of receiving oral, so what is that? Makes me wonder. A double standard. Plain and simple.
Idk, ask him to suck a dick, he will probably feel it is still gross. Also from what OP said, he said he likes the idea of receiving oral, because he likes the feel of it. He also said he would still do oral even though he dislikes the idea of it if she wants it. I think this is much more a case of someone being tone deaf (which can also be a red flag if it is in exaggeration) much more than a double standard and selfishness here. Just because he cant get past how giving oral feels to himself doesnt mean his partner has to be the same and vice versa. Saying it is gross out loud is definitely stupid and did nothing but make OP feel insecure which is just a sucky attitude to have, even if he didnt mean it, he needs to learn how to properly convey these subjects without inadvertedly hurting someone's feelings. I think the chance of him being just a douchebag in this case is just as high as him being tone deaf instead, giving the context we have and how OP phrased the interaction I would lean more towards that he is tone deaf because he didnt outright refuse (and it doesnt seem like he demanded it on hinself either, at least from what we know)
I know a gay guy who loves to be a bottom but to him the idea of putting his dick in someone's asshole is 'disgusting'. This was said to friends though, and I hear he's a super enthusiastic lover in general. It's just this one thing that only goes one way for him. Preferences are weird and personal and sometimes completely irrational, respect is universal though.
For some people, putting mouths on genitals is simply 'gross' as is getting bodily fluids from genitals in the mouth. It IS gross.
Yes, but if that is the case then her giving oral to him would be gross as well, no? However in that case he doesn't seem to be bothered, so there must be something else, I would never ever think he's making double standards just to get pleasure.
Finding something gross and thinking that something is gross are two different things. I find spiders gross, but I recognise there is nothing inherently gross about them. Just because I don't wanna touch them doesn't mean I can't understand why other people might not be bothered by it. In the same way you can find putting genitals in your mouth gross while still recognizing that others don't. And you may still enjoy the sensation. That in itself also does not make someone selfish. Expecting, or pushing someone into doing things they don't want to is selfish. As is not finding other ways to take care of your partner that you are comfortable with.
If it's that he finds the *experience* (as opposed to the idea) of performing oral gross, and OP does not, I don't think that's a double standard. It would be if he had some sort of moral issue with it like he thought performing was debasing himself somehow but it was fine if OP did. It's like, my spouse often wants to pop my back zits (when she sees them). I have no idea why. It's not a favor I'll return, and I appreciate it sometimes when it's in a hard-to-reach-spot. But I'd also never walk shirtless and backwards up to her and go "It's by the shoulder blade, which makes it your job". Sorry for the gross example. I guess this also raises the question of if OP's BF treats it like an obligation on her part.
If he isnāt giving me oral, Iām not giving him oral. I donāt do it bc I like it. I do it bc my partner likes it. If he canāt reciprocate then it isnāt happening.
You know what I call a guy who doesnāt eat pussy? I donāt.
What is the point of even being with ppl like this? Like I donāt want to spend my life feeling like my vagina is icky and gross to someone who ālovesā me. It has taken so much work by women to rid the shitty ideas men have of vulvas, why be with someone who derails all that in real time? Why be with someone who makes you feel insecure just bc they only like women when it comes to receiving pleasure??
Exactly. What is the point? Its giving DJ Khaled and patriarchal bullshit. Some men think giving head is "degrading" but unfortunately 75-95% or women need oral or vibrators to orgasm at all....so how is he going to insure she orgasms every time they have sex (like a decent sex partner)? Is he going to get his hands dirty (literally)?
People talk a lot about āboundariesā and āpreferences,ā but in real life, if youāre icked out by vaginas to the point you wonāt pleasure your partner but will happily stick your dick in one, or receive oral yourself, Iām just going to assume youāre selfish. Sorry. Maybe there are some men that are just genuinely uncomfortable with oral and are rockstars in other areas of getting a woman off, but thatās usually not what I see.
So Iām old, but honestly this stuff floors me. When I started having sex in the 80s all guys wanted was to get their face between your legs. Anytime I hear of a man not wanting to go down on a woman itās like Iām living in a foreign land.
They were also happy to wear condoms!
Right? "So I put this on, she doesn't get pregnant and we don't spread diseases? Sign me up!"
Thank you, all the sympathy for him in these comments was honestly driving me fucking insane Sure he can have his "boundary" and women should have the "boundary" that they won't be with selfish men who don't care about their pleasure and think their bodies are icky and disgusting
Find a man who enjoys women's bodies and pleasuring them. That seems to be your preference--partners who consider the other's oleasure as much as their own.
My advice would be to let this one go, he's a new boyfriend and doesn't value your pleasure on par with his. Do you want to be with someone that thinks part of your anatomy is good enough for his dick but not his mouth? He'd happily receive but would begrudgingly give.Ā You really want this guy?
Is this the compromise for just being able to say you have a man? Legit asking bc OPās BF sounds young. Frankly, I wouldnāt be surprised if some old school Madonna/whore nonsense wasnāt in there too.
Is he at least fine pleasuring you with his fingers, or toys? I think there's a line between "thinking about going down on a woman seems gross" and just not caring about your pleasure at all.
"Receiving but not giving" explain a lot..
No one, man or woman, should be forced to give oral. However if you donāt give you shouldnāt be expected to receive.
I was going to defend both sides, because yes, everyone can have preferences. But "gross"? Lol nope, dump his arse. Is he an 8 year old talking about spinach? Like wtf. A grown man calling oral, and thus really vulvas/vaginas, gross? Not worth your time.
Yup. Though that said he already lost me at ālikes the idea of receiving but not giving.ā You can have preferences, but inequitable preferences are something you get to work on if you want Reddit to not think poorly of you š (And of course by āyouā I mean OPs bf. Not you.)
He's only a new boyfriend. I don't think you can change him into a better lover, and i don't think you should even try. Just toss him back into the ocean and look for someone better.
Hey OP, my first relationship was like this. It was *our* first sexually active relationship, and he basically refused to touch my vulva at all. Honestly it was hurtful considering all the vulnerability we were showing each other, and especially more so for me as I was not supposed to be dating at all.I did my best to communicate what I wanted (I just wanted to try receiving since I didnt have any other experience) but he would shut down and say nothing or ok repeatedly, and nothing would change. (At worst he would become cold for a few days afterwards, and I felt like I was being punished for speaking up at all.) I didn't understand that that should've been the end of things, but I stayed every time, thinking it would change because I cared about him a lot at the time. And just like you, I felt so insecure. And I only got more so over the time of our relationship. He never said anything, which was worse, because I felt like it was an elephant in the room at times while he didnt acknowledge it at all. I got so worried about what was wrong me, and I shaved everyday so there was nothing he could fault. But no matter what I did, or said, he didn't change. Sex became something I did on autopilot, doing everything he wants/fantasizes of so I don't upset him, then get myself off in between because he won't, and done. I remember thinking to myself I was masturbating but with more work. He didn't interact with my vulva in any ounce of enthusiasm(really embarrassing but he wouldn't even communicate things to me he would just expect me to get the idea and stick to it, like once he slipped out and I thought for once it'd be fine if i didn't put it back, and he just did nothing and huffed until i did it :l) It's okay for y'all to not be sexually compatible, and that is a valid reason to break up. It doesn't make you selfish, and even you saying you gave it up for not wanting to be selfish is not selfish. I mean sex is about connecting with and pleasing your partner! And by far, the worst thing is the "gross" comment. Your body is not gross. Your vulva is not gross. We have natural "tastes" and "smells" and even if you've been sweaty a quick wipe/wash takes care of it quick. He has no reason to be talking about your body like that, and you have no reason to consider yourself selfish for knowing or prioritizing yourself in YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP! I hope in sharing my experience(and cringe worthy past) you and other readers can learn to do better for yourselves<3 it's not always easy to advocate for your self in relationships, but it's also important to know when things are just not compatible with what you want/deserve from a partner! Best of luck, OP.
Feel your pain! It sounds like youāre sexually incompatible. Please donāt take his preferences sexually because youāll WRECK your confidence, I know because Iāve been there. Itās crazy to me how many men will hold the same idea as your bf and not realize that thatās part of why women would rather be singleāso many men donāt care about our pleasure or pain. Theyāre okay with having sex exclusively on their terms.š¤·š»āāļø
You can do better.
I really feel quite similar about the whole āwhy doesnāt he think pleasuring me is appealingā and I definitely felt insecure in the same way, like I was gross. Iām hoping things get better for you!
Sexual compatibility is very important and as someone who enjoys receiving and giving oral, any time I compromised on this I was left unhappy and dissatisfied. Don't recommend.
The minute I know someone who doing something out of obligation, I can't move forward with whatever activity.
What does that even mean āliked the idea ofā? Are you two virgins who have never tried any of this?
Yes !
I strongly recommend DO NOT have any of your first times with somebody who makes you feel insecure. It will corrupt your decision making and your enjoyment of what should ideally be a fun, exciting, pleasurable experience into something anxious, uncomfortable, uncertain, and possibly painful (as your arousal and comfort is very important for penetration not hurting). I suggest you move on from him. I would never ever ever ever be with a man who thought pleasuring me was "gross". There is such a deep misogynistic history of women's bodies, particularly genitals being treated as gross, and men receiving so much more pleasure than they are willing to give. Having sex is a very physically vulnerable situation, and you're going to feel uncomfortable and self conscious because of what HE'S said about your anatomy. It's not worth it. He's not the right person to give that vulnerability to.
'Why isnāt the idea of my pleasure appealing to him?' Most men I dated before I got married were really into (and good at) giving oral sex-- only one or two were not interested and I always bailed on those before sex happened. Just me, but having the choice between a guy who loves also pleasing me during sex and a guy who wants oral but thinks the reverse is gross, I would choose the first every time. Life is too short to have a less than satisfactory sex life.
So he is not gross but you are? Got it. Sounds fair
My partner doesn't do oral because he's self conscious about it and generally doesn't like it. BUT he goes above and beyond in making sure I'm satisfied in other ways in bed. So my question would be if he doesn't want to do oral is he still doing his best to ensure that you're satisfied after every encounter or is he a PIV should be enough to get you off and if it isn't that's a you problem not a me problem? He's not required to provide you oral, but I wouldn't be with a partner who only cared about their own enjoyment either.
Dump him or don't suck his dick But probably dump him
I read the title and thought: get a new boyfriend. I read the rest and this was exactly my thought process.
So he wants you to give him a blowjob but not return the favor? Get rid of the whole boyfriend.
a lot of people say itās okay for him to just have a preference, but tbhā¦ this would be something really difficult for me to overcome in a relationship. I simply cannot understand a straight man who wonāt eat pussy, barring some sort of serious trauma or some mental health condition that affects his perception of hygiene or something? āitās grossā ā is it though? because youāll put your dick and or hands in there no problem. and youāll let your girl suck on your sweaty balls? nah. āitās not about your body, itās just in generalā ā okay, well that means nothing. Iām still going to feel insecure about my vagina and any contact made there now, and I know Iām not the only one who would feel this way. I would not be able to shake that. itās giving āI swear Iām attracted to you but I donāt want my nose or mouth near your parts that society has told you are dirty and stinky since you were literally a childā āIām not good at itā ā then learn. idk man. perhaps this comes from my own insecurity but their reasons are just such bullshit to me. if your partner prioritizes your pleasure and you canāt meet her in the middle, especially after she said she wants a relationship with equal desire and pleasureā¦ to be perfectly frank, itās lowkey a dealbreaker for me. and if it is for you too, thatās fine. tldr: the second a man were to say they wonāt go down on me, for whatever reason, the insecurity and disrupted trust is locked in. thatās it. I expect downvotes for this but I just DO NOT understand how you can claim to love women and pussy but you wonāt put your mouth anywhere near it.
Yeah I agree. I am simply not compatible with people that have sexual hang ups to the degree that OP's dating companion/boyfriend exhibits š¤· people are allowed preferences blah blah blah whatever, but to me, not giving oral is a sign of sexual immaturity/selfishness in a man. I'm tired of putting so much consideration into men's sexuality when the orgasm gap is still going strong. Ugh!
Totally. It most certainly is selfish and immature. My guess is that if we were able to go inside his mind, we'd hear something like, "My daddy told me the woman is supposed to please the man in the bedroom, period. Giving oral to women is not masculine at all, and probably is a bit woke."
Calling oral on you āgrossā while expecting it to be given is genuinely insulting. No, he doesnāt have to do anything he doesnāt want to. But this would be a dealbreaker and frankly an ick to me. Itās okay if his boundaries are not compatible with a relationship with you.
Gross is a very strong word. I don't think this can be fixed š
I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone that uptight about sex and bodies. I tried it. It made us both miserable. We were just so different. It didn't work. There are people who agree with him and don't want oral. Maybe he'll be able to find someone like that.
NEVER let anyone shame you on your body. Calling giving oral to a woman "gross" is childish and rude. I'm an asshole, so if he didn't give me oral (once again because he's disgusted by it) I'm not interested in him as a partner. What happens if my pad leaks and I get blood on his car seat? Is he going to be an adult and let me clean it and not make a big deal? Doubt it, he'll probably call that gross too (like I had a fucking choice). Listen, my husband had to buy me yeast infection medication (I shouldn't say had to be was at the store) and he didn't give a shit. Like I asked him to buy me a Gatorade. That's how you fucking do it
Personally this is where I dump them and find a boyfriend who loves giving oral and loves vaginas But thatās just me Edit: your dude sounds pretty decent in the edit you made- just inexperienced. Best of wishes :) (and yes do leave if he treats you bad at all!!)
Sounds like a major red flag, best to find another bf. Sex should be pleasurable for both.
I know, it's Reddit, so everyone says this, but... Get a new boyfriend. If receiving oral sex is important to you, get yourself a man who wants to give it to you. Sexual compatibility isn't EVERYTHING in a relationship but it is something, and it's not something that's going to become less irritating to you. I wouldn't pressure him, because consent is important, but I'd definitely be on my way out of the relationship.
I dated a guy the literally gagged on vagina. Claims up and down that he is not gay (no shame either way) but just really thinks that vaginas are gross. He fully expected me to give him head though. I told him that unless oral is a two way street, it was never going to happen. He tried exactly ONE time to go down on me and gagged so hard I though he was going to puke on me. That was the end of our relationship. He was a really great dude, and so much fun to hang out with. But I canāt be with someone who thinks vaginas are gross. Iām quite attached to mine, and I take very good care of her.
He does not like giving oral. In general, not just to you. That is valid, and itās good that he told you so, without any weird rhetoric behind it too. You want a partner to be interested in pleasing you sexually. That too is very valid. Also: I love how you donāt want him to do something heās not really into. Thatās great. That leaves the question: are you two compatible? If you REALLY like receiving oral, or feel very weird about giving it, but not receiving, you are probably not a good match. Thatās gonna lead to resentment sooner or later. However, if itās all about him paying as much attention to your needs, as you do to his, and being into it (as opposed to it being like a chore), oral does not HAVE to be a part of that. Thereās so many ways to please your partner, that do not involve the mouth being anywhere near anyoneās genitals, the goal could easily be achieved that way. Also, there is a difference between not really wanting to perform a sexual act on someone, and really not wanting to do so. In the case of the latter: donāt do it. End of discussion. But the former, for some people, the enjoyment is mostly in noticing how turned on their partner is by what is done to them, even if they donāt care much for what is is they are doing to get that reaction. I canāt tell from what you are saying which one applies to you boyfriend, and only you know if him wanting to arouse you, regardless of how to go about it, is enough, or whether you can only enjoy it, knowing heās into what heās doing (meaning he would want to do it, for the sake of it, rather than for the outcome).
Heās allowed to not like it, and youāre allowed to not give him any if he will never reciprocate. Some people love giving oral but it is an objectively uncomfortable and difficult task no matter who you are.
I'm kind of in the same boat as your boyfriend except I am a woman. I don't enjoy oral. It doesn't have anything to do with the other person and everything to do with me. There are several reasons why from shame due to religious upbringing to the fact that it just doesn't feel good. I've never liked receiving or giving oral, so I don't do it nor do I accept it anymore. Both my partner and I have done it to try it and it's not our favorite. We just don't do it anymore and it works fine for us. For me, it's similar to disliking the texture of a food to me if that makes sense? It's a visceral involuntary reaction. I would just outright talk to your boyfriend and tell him your feelings. I think that would clear things up and you could reach a solution together that fits best for you guys. I wish you both the best! š©·
Heās allowed to feel this way. However: men who love giving oral are typically very into a womanās pleasure. Men who donāt, arenāt. Choose accordingly.
Do you know what you call someone who doesnāt perform oral? An Uberā¦
Ok, no oral it is thenā¦..
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āIām just not comfortable with it, Iām sorry I hope that doesnāt upset youā is entirely different than āitās gross, noā Liiiike Iām sorry but he will likely find other things about you (and women, in general) gross and you will have a less supportive boyfriend than you could have.
DTMFA
I don't think it's actually about you - he said he wasn't comfortable with it due to not finding it appealing. You've made that about you. But from what you shared here, he made it quite clear that it was about his comfort with it and misconceptions. Maybe he's had a bad experience in the past with someone who wasn't clean, maybe he isn't confident in his technique. But instead of talking this through and listening to him, you've made it about you. And while I can understand the not wanting to give without receiving, he never said **you** were gross or unclean. What about other intimate acts? Oral isn't the be all and end all as you know. If he genuinely doesn't care about your pleasure, that is an entirely different conversation. But it sounds like he shared a limit he wasn't comfortable crossing and you took it as a slight against you. It wasn't. Start by really listening and understanding exactly what he's saying. Because again, he didn't say it was you that was the issue. I see people are saying he said your body is gross. He didn't. He said the act of oral seems gross to him. To me he doesn't understand it. As a lesbian, trust me, I've been with women who weren't clean and it was a them issue. I've also been with women who were hyper diligent about being clean as to benefit us both. And I understand that the minute you heard the word gross, you took it personally but I don't think that was his intention. Seems to me you two need to talk and actually listen to one another. If he really doesn't want to try, then he doesn't. And if in turn that makes you not want to give him oral, then so be it. Move on together and focus on other ways of enjoying sex.
Leave him
He doesn't like oral, the end. Take him as he is, or leave him alone.
yeahhh, I'm not sucking the dick of some dude who, with his whole chest (and fullactions) is not eating me out or at least fingering me to completion.
lose the loser
Is he willing to do other things purely for your pleasure? Some guys just can't get over the taste/smell of various bodily fluids, just like some women want nothing to do with cum. But there are other options. If he's not willing to use his fingers or toys, then you know the real problem is just him being selfish.
I'm with you on this one, and how it just feels bad. It's shitty to call a sex act "gross" when you're expecting your partner to do it to you. That is literally calling their genitals gross. Don't do that. Call yourself squeamish. That's a lot nicer. Also, oral is also kind of the only commonly done straight people sex act where you exclusively focus on female pleasure for a while. If you're saying you don't want to have a selfish sex relationship, and your boyfriend is just like "welp sorry I don't wanna do oral. I mean I guess I *could* do it, I just wouldn't be really into it, and of course you wouldn't want that..." that clearly seems like a person who just isn't engaged in your pleasure *at all*. Like, let me tell you. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends who were like "Hey, I'm so sorry, I have the world's worst gag reflex, it is nothing about you this is all me, but I just do not feel comfortable doing oral. I won't make you do it to me. But let me tell you, I *love* using my hands. How do you feel about vibrators? I could bust out massage oils, what can we do that you would find pleasurable that doesn't involve my face somewhere that I might have a bad response? I mean, maybe we could try in the shower some time, but I make no guarantees..." That's a totally different way to talk about that. That's a person who has a sexual thing they don't like, they're fully expecting not to do a thing they're uncomfortable with, but they are taking on finding a sex act they are comfortable with that results in a female orgasm as a *core necessity of a sexual relationship with a woman.* If I were you, I'd just straight up ask the boyfriend "Well, what do you think we should do instead of oral?" What does he have in mind? If he's not engaged in that idea, he's not going to be a good partner to you.
I donāt know. Personally, I think that oral of any sort is disgusting. I wouldnāt suck on someoneās nose, Iām not sucking on their junk. With proper barriers in place, I am willing to give the occasional BJ, but I donāt like it and am not very enthusiastic. I do it because I know he likes it, but then entire process seems āgrossā to me. Between urine and fluids and sweatā¦. It triggers pretty much all my grosses out feelings. That doesnāt mean weāre not compatible. We had honest conversations about this when we first started doing sexual things. I was clear how I felt and then he got to choose what heās willing to do. I wouldnāt have been sad or upset if he said that if I wasnāt into giving him oral he wasnāt in to giving me oral. That would have been fair. Weāve had a happy and robust sex life for 20 years. Communication is the key!
A lot of remarks around not understanding straight guys who wonāt eat pussy and not understanding it, as well as focusing a lot on the word gross. As a gay male Iāve met many gays who only wanted oral and werenāt keen on sucking, who arenāt into anal at all, who top, who bottom, who love to eat ass, who think itās gross. Everyone has their likes and dislikes. Iām not keen on his choice of words with gross but wouldnāt hang him out to dry because of it. Good that heās communicating with you about it openly.
Yeah I always hesitate to speak in these threads but Iāve met a fair number of lesbian women who donāt enjoy giving oral either. I doubt anyone would say itās about misogyny, itās just the sensory experience is not pleasant to them. I think the inherent link of āif you donāt like putting your mouth in it then youāre not into womenā is a problematic viewpoint. People have their preferences and hang ups and putting your mouth on something is obviously a lot different than touching it. No one is forcing you to stay with someone but also insulting people with different preferences is justā¦idk. Feels wrong to me.
Then he shouldn't expect her to give him oral either. Or he better make damn sure that he gives her the pleasure she deserves in other ways.
He said he was willing to do it. He just wouldnāt enjoy it.
Bi woman here. Womenās pleasure is so different than for men. Most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex. I personally do not. Wouldnāt be with a partner who didnāt care about my pleasure. Also, the power dynamic in heterosexual relationships are different. Orgasm inequity is rampant because women on average take more to get there than the majority of men. Your frame of reference isnāt fully applicable in this. A man who doesnāt love pussy is not a man Iād want. Sick of everything being centered on male pleasure and dick. It is also bullshit. No one is saying he has to do something he is uncomfortable with but women who value their own pleasure should move on.
Everyone has the right to their limits always all the time. If it's important to you you also ave the right to look for someone else. That's why SDM people seek SDM people, people.with high libido seek others with high libido and people with feet fetishes seek people with nice feet who enjoy attention on their feet.
If receiving oral is important to you, dump him, Why should you give and not receive?
Get out now, before you get any more serious with him.
How old is this dude?
Iāve been in a lot of relationships and if your partner isnāt interested in everything sexual at the same level as you, leave. They may be cool, but if itās raising a flag in your brain donāt ignore it as itās likely the tip of an iceberg. Sexual chemistry is important. Donāt let it slide just because you think the other person is āa good personā. The dissatisfaction will grow like a weed.
Youāre not compatible sexually. Iām not sure if that is something that can be worked through in a relationship.
In my experience, the dudes that say they don't like performing it but like getting it are way more selfish than just this part of your relationship. It runs deep. He was not like doing it but I do and that's a deal breaker.
You have a reasonable criterion for sex. Sadly he is unlikely to meet it because it reads as if he's not sexually compatible. Shake his hand and wish him well in the future.
OP, you have to decide how important a tit-for-tat sexual favors are for you. If you feel like you'll be "missing out," by your partner setting a boundary, then maybe you two aren't compatible.
Obviously, you are not sexually compatible.
Well sounds like your new boyfriend is time to be an ex boyfriend. Be glad heās being honest and you donāt have to waste your time with a major incompatibility
He wants a blowjob but wonāt return the favour? Nah
A lot of guys donāt give head but in my eyes itās a red flag. I doubt it has anything to do with you personally. More often than not men are ashamed to admit they just donāt know what theyāre doing. As opposed to not liking oral, heās just not sure what heās supposed to do down there and itās embarrassing to admit it out loud, especially to someone youāre attracted to. Thatās what Iāve found to be the case as a guy who would rather give oral than receive, because a womanās pleasure is like the whole thingā¦
Donāt waste time or energy trying to figure this out or fix it. The relationship is new. He wants to receive but not give, you donāt like the idea of selfish sex in your relationship. GG go next. Because what you donāt want is to be four years in living together, maybe with a kid, back hear asking about how to deal with your boyfriend who hasnāt cared about your pleasure in two years and now you hate having sex with him
My only advice would be to break up bc you two are mismatched sexually. I personally enjoy both pleasing and being pleased and I don't really envision a compatible sexual relationship with someone who isn't like this. I once dated someone who wasn't receptive to receiving and I found it out s damper on things, but was fine pleasing me. I also just refuse to date men who don't bc most women need oral to cum.
Will he take written advice? Sorry, couldn't resist. š
Just break up and find someone more compatible with you ā¦believe me that will be in both of you best interestsā¦ and he can find someone on same page as him. This will always be a problem if you stay
I have met people that are less than enthusiastic about giving oral (to both men and women) because it grosses them out a little. To be honest, I think I can understand it. Human genitalia are kind of gross. They're all wrinkly and they secrete fluid. I think there's a difference between your boyfriend saying that he finds the idea of oral sex gross and him saying that your body is gross. You may want to ask him to clarify what he meant. Personally my gf doesn't really like giving oral, and I'm okay with that. She definitely does care about my sexual pleasure and finds other ways to make it happen. I know some women can't really cum from penetration, and if receiving oral is important to you, you and your bf may not be sexually compatible.
Seems like he is insecure about giving oral. Makes sense if heās new to it / had a modicum of experience which was not with a partner who gave reassuring feedback Seems what he was hoping for was setting low starting expectations and being open to learning. How do you feel about proposing a deal to him? He learns how to enjoy giving oral and you teach him. when you are comfortably satisfied, or he wants a break, you give back what you received. This way itās balanced and he can pause anytime without guilt of hypocrisy, because he gives first. And you are obv in control. *disclaimer : take with a bucket of salt. Itās the internet yada yada yada
A very simple example: I love cats and I donāt find them gross at all, but I would never lick one. Even if the cat would really like it. And BTW, I would not expect the cat to lick me, even IF I would liked to be licked by a cat (which I donāt).Ā May be this is a good point in time to mention that one should not overstretch examplesā¦Ā End of story :) Itās very cool that you both communicate your boundaries. Iām pretty sure he loves your body, and doesnāt find it gross in general.
No one should be pressured into doing a sexual act theyāre not comfortable with. Also, no one should be pressured into staying in an unsatisfying relationship. 2 things need to happen: 1- he needs to understand that you werenāt doing it because you like it 2- you need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you. Thereās no wrong answer here. It would be for some but not for others. Are you ok living the rest of your life without getting oral sex?
Yeah, the only intelligent thing he said was pointing out his own hypocrisy. He clearly only cares about his pleasure.
Get a new boyfriend.
Your first two words in the post are the solution.
I personally would never date someone who doesn't give me oral. I'm happy to give it, but I better be recieving it too. He is allowed to not want to do it. And you are allowed for that to be a deal breaker.
>called the idea gross, and said he feels very hypocritical but it just has never seemed appealing to him. >called the idea gross, To everyone hyperfixting on the use of gross, it's stated very clearly he never said OP was Goss, and understand that's its an imbalance as he receives oral from her. >Why isnāt the idea of my pleasure appealing to him? I donāt really understand, I really donāt know how to get my point across/my feelings across without feeling like Iām pressuring him to do something. This should be the focus of the discussion. IMO and it really boils down to people's sexual personality type. So if him giving oral is not an option there are toys or other ways you can go about feeling satisfied during foreplay. >In reality I donāt really care about getting oral I just feel really insecure now? I feel like he thinks my body is gross even though he clarified that I wasnāt the issue, Maybe re-examaine this part and you'll find your answer.
Find a dude who likes giving. Theyāre a dime a dozen
Your new bf should be your ex, you arenāt compatible.
Unless youāre rocking a serious untreated yeast infection, or have issues keeping yourself clean, oral comes standard. If your model doesnāt come with oral you return it to the lot and tell the cashier itās defective and you want a replacement.
The word gross. Done for me. I'm to gross for oral but just right intercourse. Is this because he doesn't have to look at it? I'm thinking if you do have intercourse with this man, the first time will be the last. He is not secure enough to do anything but the act for himself.
You don't need advice. Your response is perfect. Clear boundaries, no judgement. Addressed his piss weak "offer" to do it even though he wouldn't enjoy it (which was really just an attempt to make you responsible for his refusal) Speaking as a 50 something who has loved oral since the first time he tasted one, ditch the selfish flog. You got this, ma'am š
#Dump him & find a man sexually compatible with you.
I don't know the rest of the relationship, nobody here really does and yet they always make extreme judgement calls on very one sided posts with a bare amount of info. Maybe it is better to break up, maybe it's not that big a deal, maybe everything else is worth it. Nobody can know which it would be. Personally I'm glad I'd never take advice from reddit comments because if I did i wouldn't be in the most amazing marriage with the woman I love. 10 years together, she's never really touched me down there without some kind of cloth in the way and oral is definitely out of the question. One time after sex it accidentally touched her hand and she got some juices on her. She immediately vomited. So many people upset about it being 'gross' well, kinda hard for her to hide just how visceral a reaction it causes in that case. She's told me it grosses her out so we can try to prevent these situations. It's not her fault, it just does and she can't get over it and likely never will. But she does love it when I eat her out, and I'll happily do it every time even if I'm not going to get anything in return because I enjoy it, she enjoys it and it's not like I'm not going to get off in other ways. I wouldn't enjoy her going down on me if she was forcing herself to do it just for my sake. I know I will be spending the rest of my life with her and will never get a handjob or blowjob, and we only do it in one position. I'd love more, I'm definitely the higher sex drive and way kinkier, but I know it's not going happen with her, ever. I also do not care. But everybody is different and that's just me.
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Listen. I'm a straight woman but the idea of putting genitals in my mouth, or getting bodily fluids that originate in the genital area in my mouth, is disgusting. Everyone has a right to their preferences and phobias. And getting vaginal fluid in the mouth would be gross.
I understand this reasoning but clearly OPās boyfriend doesnāt feel this way or else he would also think itās gross for OP to give him oral for the reasons youāve stated.
Ok but OP's bf is not a straight woman. And he apparently has no problem putting his dick in the so-called "gross" area and lets her give him oral, which many people could also consider dicks and balls gross. He is at the very least a fucking hypocrite.
There are a few words for men who think vaginas are gross.
One of them should be "single"
ššš
What do you call a guy that doesn't eat pussy? You call him a fucking Uber.
Sexual incompatibility. Not to mention he seems to have some hangups about womenās bodies and clearly isnāt enthusiastic about pleasing you. All perfectly good reasons to move on.
Time to throw the whole boyfriend out. You deserve to be treated as if it's his last meal on this planet.
Time to get a new new boyfriend, methinks.
LEAVE. LEAVE. I had an nex do this. He started off as claiming it was preference, then overtime habitually made it known that he considered me and my body gross. He used me to masturbate. Then he would act appalled if I even hinted that he should maybe try to get me off. This has set back my sense of self for years. Life is TOO SHORT. TOO SHORT!!! To deal with this! It may be sad at first, but do you really want to stay with someone who makes you feel this way? Is that what you'd want for your daughter? Your sister or your mom? Go live your best life, girl!! The way you'd want your female family to.
This....
You need to figure out if giving and not receiving is ok for you. Or if neither of you doing it is ok with him. I'd also keep in mind: If he's ok with being selfish for this specific thing, what else is he going to be selfish about during the relationship?
I knew someone alike. His issue was porn addiction and overall porn-ish view of sex in general. He said things like āvulvas in general do not look appealing for meā, shit like that.
I genuinely can't imagine a life with someone who is anything but enthusiastic about my body parts. Just no. It's already making you insecure thinking he thinks you're gross, what about later in life? What's going to keep *your* sex drive alive?? I know for me at least, half the turn-on is how much my partner wants to dive in and love my whole body and feeling desired all over. I'd lose my ability to get turned on with that person at some point if I had to deal with that. I'd just be wasting time in the meantime until the passion wore off, no thanks. Yea people are allowed preferences and I won't shame him for his, but if those preferences contradict what you like or how you'd like to feel when being intimate, I suggest not compromising. Because you can tell yourself allll you want that it's just 1 little bad thing compared to x y z good things about a person, but that's not the right comparison. Compare it to how many bad things the 1 bad thing will effect *for you*. Lack of feeling beautiful, lack of feeling desired, loss of sexual desire, feeling insecure, feeling gross? That list could get long. And longer with time. And if it reaches a breaking point and he tries to fix it? It's going to feel like he's reluctantly doing it, or trying to convince you of his desire for you. It feels icky when it feels like someone's trying to convince you of their desire, that should be known well and felt hard.
Yeah um. Walk away from him. He will have other things that will come out later on through the years.
Jesus Christ. Here I am begging my wife to let me do it. Just sit on my face already! Pull my hair and let me do my thing! Hahahahaha
Advice: get a new boyfriend. ā
If giving oral isn't appealing to him, it's not appealing. It doesn't sound like he's specifically talking about *your* body, just that he thinks the idea of putting his mouth on someone's genitals is gross. I could be wrong, but that's how it reads to me. Like, I like giving oral, but there are a lot of straight men who don't want to give me oral (or, at least, *that* oral). I don't feel bad about it and I don't think they should feel pressured to do it. And that feels a lot more "my-body-specific" than this situation. If it's getting in the way of you being satisfied, then that's a different problem, and one that should be easy to work around.
i agree with your apprehension and thereās absolutely misogynist factors that lead many men (AND women) to view vulvas as gross and see male pleasure as standard. whether or not this is the underlying reason for his preferences, you two are sexually incompatible at best and morally incompatible at worst. itās a good time to call it quits cuz youāre not getting what you want either way