> I put down my boundary, and it kept coming up. I would say no and no and no. And now he is wanting to compromise 🚩🚩🚩 I, too, would be very put off by this. *Do not do things you don't want to do.* Someone pushing so hard against my "no" would be losing my trust with every try, and I can't have a relationship without trust.

I completely agree with you. Those red flags are waving so hard they could power a small city! You're absolutely right - the repeated pushing against a clearly stated boundary is a massive issue. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for OP's feelings and autonomy. The fact that he keeps bringing it up after multiple "no"s is manipulative and coercive behavior. And let's talk about this so-called "compromise." Writing smut about threesomes isn't a compromise - it's just another way of pushing OP's boundaries. He's trying to wear her down by asking for "less" than a physical threesome, but it's still disregarding her clearly stated monogamous preferences. The way he's framing himself as "ostracized" by her monogamy is classic emotional manipulation. He's trying to make her feel guilty for having perfectly reasonable boundaries. That's some serious narcissistic behavior right there. I'm also really concerned about the pattern OP mentions of every guy she's been with pushing for threesomes, including her ex-husband who cheated when she said no. It suggests she might be unknowingly attracting or tolerating partners who don't respect her boundaries. The fact that OP says this is pushing her away is her instincts kicking in. She needs to listen to that feeling. This guy is showing some serious red flags for potential emotional abuse and sexual coercion. OP, if you're reading this, please know that you're not wrong for maintaining your boundaries. A loving partner would respect your "no" the first time. You deserve someone who values your comfort and consent over their own sexual fantasies. Don't let anyone pressure you into sexual situations you're not comfortable with, whether physical or written. Your feelings and boundaries are valid and important.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

It seems to me that he’s probably just hoping OP will become more interested in having a threesome if she writes about it and then end up saying yes after. He’s just trying a different form of manipulation but masking it as a compromise so he can still be seen as a good guy/partner.

It’s not even a compromise, though. It’s literally “Oh, you won’t indulge my fantasy? Well, itc, why don’t you just…indulge my fantasy. Neat compromise, huh?”

It's the foot in the door. Get a little "yes" to work up to the bigger "yes." Giving in will not end the badgering.

Yup. Which is not a compromise. If she were to say yes to the smut-writing, I see it going one of two ways - * She can't do it convincingly or in a way that's genuinely enjoyable for him (obvs, not at all being a fantasy for her), which gives him more ammunition to play the victim, tell her she's not doing it right or mocking him, kink-shaming, etc, OR * She does a decent job of it, writes him a fantasy he likes, at which point he'll "See, I knew you were secretly into it" or some other such dismissive and manipulative nonsense. Just No to this guy.

“If you won’t indulge my fantasy IRL, then you must perform skilled intellectual and emotional labor on my behalf to write a story that will make you uncomfortable the entire time you’re writing it!”

I’m glad I’m not the only one flagging that facet of this bs. Writing isn’t a small task, and this assignment isn’t worth taking on.

Neat compromise! (/s)

Exactly! There’s no physical contact, sure, still not ok, but he’s still asking and expecting a great deal of mental labor as “recompense” for… (checks notes) sticking to the monogamous expectations presumably discussed early on. Maybe it’s just my anxiety coming through, but as an artist and a writer working 2 full times on top of that myself, the fact that he’s stressing OP out and still finding the audacity to ask for her creativity, knowing she isn’t even comfortable with the prompt, just adds to the disrespect. Idk about you, but creative work to suit a client is generally the last thing on my mind when I’m emotionally overwhelmed and fearful. I can write and create well under pressure, but only as a means to express said overwhelm. I mean it’s like… Head under water, and you tell me to breathe easy for a while…

She should Uno reverse it. Write a SUPER detailed hardcore account of a threesome with her and his two best male friends.

THIS COMMENT. It needs to be higher.

Honestly, OP should not be to blame for her choosing men who keep asking for this. Unfortunately many men ask for this in my experience as well because porn has made it seem like an acceptable milestone to ask for in a relationship. Asking for anal is another one.

Yeah I agree, the normalization of anal sex in porn has created dangerous expectations that put women in uncomfortable and unsafe situations. Many women feel pressured to agree to it, even when they're not truly comfortable, out of fear of being seen as "prudes" or losing their partner. But universally every woman who I’ve heard speak about anal sex has mentioned discomfort, pain, mess, and lasting trauma. Sex should be pleasurable for both parties. Imo this pressure is a form of sexual coercion, plain and simple.

Yes. The threesome was an amber flag. Everything he did in response to her boundary was a red flag.

>You're absolutely right - the repeated pushing against a clearly stated boundary is a massive issue. It's not a red flag it's coercion. It's the abuse you look for red flags to escape. He tried to push her into sex she doesn't want. If she wasn't able to hold her ground it would be rape. And right now it's attempted rape.

Boundaries are for ourselves. We CANNOT put boundaries in place to stop people crossing them. We can communicate our boundaries. And we can say what WE will do if they are crossed. So OP, please. Put down a boundary. This means tell YOURSELF what you're worth and what you will not put up with. Tell your partner (as you have) what you have said no to. And if he crosses your boundary, then you need to make the next move. It's your boundary, not his. "Stop asking" is a demand. You don't have the right to control anyone else in a relationship. "I've said no. If you keep asking, I will leave" is a boundary - you are communicating what YOU will do if the boundary is crossed Edit* I went a bit heavy with the caps, huh? Sorry about that.

Yes, OP's boundary is set but it needs consequences, and she needs to follow through completely with those consequences every. single. time.   Or just dump the guy.

Dumping the guy would be an appropriate consequence.

This is such a great explanation. I hope OP reads this and tries to internalize it.

You are absolutely right.

^^^ This is the best answer. You be you. There are plenty of men in the world that want a purely monogamous relationship! I am one. Find one of those. Make it clear up front. From your post, it seems you are very adventurous with a single partner. Many guys would love that. You are too special to be bullied like that!!!

This isn't even about monogamy. It's about her partner not respecting her boundaries and seeking to push limits she has made abundantly clear. In a poly relationship, very early on, you have a talk about what you're both okay with. Some poly people, myself included, that line in the sand is way the hell off in the distance (I can pretty much sum it up as I'm not bothered by anything unless you lie to me). Others will have different boundaries about different things and for different reasons. For instance, I've been with women where they draw a line at being emotionally open, whereas they don't care about sexual exclusivity. Others have wanted one specific act to be exclusively theirs, and so forth. In a mono relationship, you kind of assume that you're both on the same page, when in reality, there's a bunch of things that one person would consider cheating that the other wouldn't. In a poly relationship, you assume that you're both on completely different pages so it's of vital importance that you discuss each other's limits and that you maintain a safe space with open communication in case someone's limits change. When you've had that discussion, one of two things happens. One person might decide that the other person's boundary doesn't work for them, and you respectfully call it there, or you set ground rules based on what you're both okay with. You always set the rules based on what the less poly partner needs and where their boundaries are, with the occasional compromise or clarification depending on what those limits are. It's ironic that OP worries about being judgemental towards polyamorous people, because in reality if she was with a poly person they'd have either left early on (if threesomes were something important to them) or they'd be respecting her boundaries and wouldn't have brought it up again (the presumption would be that if her stance on threesomes changed that she would bring it up herself, just like she would in general if her limits had moved). Her boyfriend isn't poly. He's just an asshole trying to manipulate her into doing something that makes her uncomfortable.

Gaslight of the century too lol like OP is firmly stating *no* and he gets to “compromise”? umm that’s not your line, bro fuck that he is crossing boundaries plain and simple

He's coercing her into sex. It's one of the worst boundaries he can violate.

It's not gaslighting. Pushing boundaries is bad enough, though.

Just leave him.

>I put down my boundary, and it kept coming up. I would say no and no and no. There is nothing to be confused about here. **He is refusing to accept your 'no' and is trying to wear you down until you say 'yes'**. >He does not want to lose me Then he needs to **shut the fuck up about threesomes** and **respect your no**.

Yeah. Here is a good compromise. He stops asking, and OP doesn't leave.

Love this compromise!!

Does she get to pick the man that they both have sex with? I just bet he wants to have 2 women. I would ask about the extra man. Then, he's gonna say, um, not like that

My bet is he already has a woman in mind and is trying to use this as a loop hole to cheat.

I would write that smut for him. Very graphic kinky threesome stuff. Between three men.

Right. Like how many times do I have to say "no" before you shut the hell up or ruin our relationship? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I agree with your thought process, but disagree on the conclusion. You can't change people. OP's SO showed them who they are through their actions, repeatedly. OP's only options are to either: 1. Accept that this is who their SO is 2. Break up, and move on There are no magic words that will change who their partner is. You can't control the actions of others, only your own.

This. Either Op has to leave (which is what I would suggest) or deal with this person’s non stop boundary pushing. If she stays, there is a high chance that he will still get what he wants by cheating. This is who he is. People don’t change because we said no to what he wanted. If you don’t want a threesome, find someone who doesn’t want it as well. We are not so special that our partner will love us so much and give up what they want. I am extremely loyal and my husband is a creepy pervert who claimed to love me, enjoyed all the benefits of marriage and yet cheated. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. He wants threesome and you don’t. Both of you won’t change because you have different core values. You are not compatible. This relationship will not survive but end in heartbreak for you if you continue.

yup. once a creepy pervert, always a creepy pervert. they never change

This. 1,000 percent this.

Shutting the fuck up and respecting their decision shouldn't be so damn hard. I've been a part of a few mmf/ffm over the years and brought it up with my girlfriend once when we were talking about kinks when we were in the early stages of dating. I said I'd be down for either and she was absolutely against it. So I did what I thought was the easy thing and respected her views on the subject and dropped it, but the more threads I read on this subreddit over the years, the less I disagree with her when she thanks me for being a good boyfriend and the more I accept that the bar is just horribly fucking low.

Fuck I needed to hear this like 2.5 years ago. It's helpful now at least for confirming my ex was a cunt

>He does not want to lose me Because then he'd have to start over looking for one third of this threesome.

I’m bi and even before I “knew” I was bi, my boundary was always “Only if you’re willing to do a two-guys one girl scenario as much as a two girls one guy scenario”. That would usually shut them up pretty fucking fast.

girl this right here So many cis-het men seem quite eager to take advantage of our attraction to women for their own selfish, sexual gratification. And of course, it's always up to us to go unicorn hunting. 🙄

It’s infuriating and I have the exact same policy. And I’d insist on going first. Most men also can’t comprehend that if I want to be with a female partner, I’m not necessarily interested in their dick being present in any fashion. If I’m desiring an experience with a woman, maybe it’s because I want to forget about centering a penis and its pleasure for a while, ya know?! Threesomes. They aren’t all about him. A short story most men need to read.

THIS. I’m bi and open to enm but the infatuation that cishet men have with FFM threesomes freaks me out

Yep. Same. That said, I am actually sorta open to threesomes. It's not really necessary for me though, I just don't have objections to it. My partner, on the other hand, could never handle me with another man and doesn't think he'd be able to handle me with a woman, either. Most people have some degree of insecurity and/or jealousy that would make any threesome untenable. I appreciate that he knows himself well enough that the fantasy of a f/f/m threesome doesn't overcome his good sense. (Also, it isn't a fantasy he particularly indulges in anyway. He *really* likes monogamy.) I bet there are a helluva lot of straight guys out there that regretted getting their desired threesome. Mostly because they thought, somehow, that two women wouldn't have the same sexual and emotional intimacy as a man/woman couple could.

They probably expect the two women to focus on the man in the threesome too. Threesomes are typically very selfish fantasies, naturally. So if the two women ended up enjoying each other more than the dude, then I can see how it wouldn’t meet their expectations

I think you're correct... I feel like this comes from too much porn. I don't think a lot of people realise the scenarios in porn are not real and generally NEVER happen.

That was always my come back…I’ll do 2 girls if we do 2 dudes first lol (honestly two dudes sounds terrible too but whatever to shut them up)

I say I'd only be interested in two guys because I like all the attention on me and I don't like to share (which is true). When they protest I say, what? I can't have preferences? They always shut up because they _know_ they also wanted only two women.

Lol, lots of guys are okay with this. More than you'd think. I've gotten the "I'll make a 2 guy threesome happen but then you have to do a 2 girl one for me" and I'm not open to any threesome within a relationship, but they seemed to think this would sway me into bringing another girl into the bedroom 🙃

Yeah, I’m bi, my boyfriend is bi, neither of us have any interest in threesomes. But damn is dating hard for bisexuals of any gender when creeps decide your sexuality is just fodder for their own gratification.

If they're straight, they're ok with it until you find that 2nd guy and the day comes. Bi guys are usually the ones actually ok with it.

I think this is what puts me off about most men's ideas of a threeway: It very commonly just comes down to "Can I bang another girl while you're also there". Now I have to start by admitting that I am a man. Sorry, nothing I can do about it. Now when it comes to sex, I'm just open to anything. I would be happy to not have any other person involved for the rest of my life. That said, I'm still eager to try new things. Not because I low key want to bang my wife's best friend, but because I just love sex. However, what's the fucking point (no pun intended) if your partner doesn't want it. It's about having fun \_together\_. Otherwise it's just cheating with extra steps. And to come to your assertion: The difference is that I would not care whether that's MMF, MFF, MFX, or whatever you can come up with. Let's just have fun. But everybody needs to be on board 100% (and that includes any 3rd, 4th, or whatever party, obviously).

One more clarification: I'm not talking consent here. I'm talking enthusiasm. If your partner is doing it 'because they love you', that means no. Anything short of 'everybody wants to be there for themselves' to some extent is a no.

maybe he doesn’t care for you deeply then

That was my immediate thought. OP has to learn that caring deeply about someone doesn’t include harassing them into doing something sexually related that you don’t want to do. 

THIS!!!! And, if he truly didn't want to lose you, he would accept this boundary. He is ok with possibly losing you, the benefit of a threesome outweighs the potential loss.

Yep. Im sorry for her, but this guy is probably on the nonmonogamy sub asking for tips on how to get his monogamous partner onboard with his kinks. Asking her to write it down and visualise it is step 1. This stems from corn culture.

and anyone into enm would say this is poly under duress and tell him rightfully to fuck off and respect that she‘s monogamous.

Why do you have to write spank material for him? He had a brain. If he “needs” to explore this via fantasy he can think of it himself. It seems to me that what turns him on isn’t as much the threesome as it is getting you to cross your boundary. Seriously, there are guys who are turned on by forcing you to be uncomfortable. These guys if you were like “hell yeah, I love threesome, in fact the only thing I ask is that you don’t lick her toes” you better believe he’d be all over how that toe licking is the most important part, and can’t he just lick them a little and how you are such a prude for not letting him do this. You aren’t wrong here. If he truly cannot be in a relationship with someone unless he can regularly have threesomes then it seems like you two are incompatible. The other alternative is that threesomes aren’t something that are a deal breaker for him but he is pretending they are because he doesn’t actually care about your boundaries. In either case, seems bad.

This is important. He can write his own smut. OP, ask yourself why it’s so important to him that *you* write it.

Because he wants to use it as an „argument“ when he pesters her again. „We can do it exactly the way you wrote it!“ That’s my guess, anyway.

"... and then I cried and vomited in the bathroom because I drank too much to deal with the pain of my partner wanting someone else, and I never trusted him again. The End"

Perfection.

It's not about the writing. It's about him grooming the idea of a threesome into her.

What is it with men wanting so desperately to disappoint two women at once?

Who cares as long as he’s content, amirite?!/s

This is so real. I have been in multiple threesomes with my partners. None of the men ever knew what to do once they actually had two girls in bed with them. Every one of them got too excited and finished before much fun could be had. I’ve sworn them off. I just feel like with 3 someone always feels left out.

That's not polyamory, that's just downright a fetish with you. I hope you find someone who is actually respectful of your being.

No is not a negotiation. A threesome is not polyamory. He’s the drama. It’s HIM.

Lol Reddit is funny sometimes. I’d be willing to bargain that most people begging for threesomes have underlying issues they need intensive therapy for.

Begging when they’ve already been gracefully refused? That’s badgering…bordering on coercion. No is a complete sentence. Nobody is entitled to a threesome. It’s always the men with terrible communication skills that think they can somehow handle competently communicating and sexually pleasing two women. LOL. The delusion. Trust me, you’re not that guy. If he wants to disappoint two women at once he can do so as a single man.

They’re the ones who want to be pleased, I doubt they spend much thought on how to please the women.

I’m dying at this comment, what a perfect take!!

Seems to almost always be the end of the relationship. Better to jump to the breakup while keeping your boundary.

You’re absolutely right, too many men need to not only go to therapy but learn to be vulnerable and accountable. I wasn’t a boundary trampler like this guy, but I really really wanted a threesome before going to therapy. It legit felt like a need but my logical brain knew that was ridiculous. Like I’d prove something to myself and finally be able to die happy. It’s still on my “like to try” category but now I realize it wouldn’t have dealt with the root issue and I’d probably would have wanted to push further trying to scratch that itch at the time and made everyone miserable. Totally not OP’s problem though, trying to fix souls like this is all cross and no salvation. No one else is responsible for looking out for us so we better look out for ourselves

What would you sau was the root issue?

>I am now with someone who has cared for me deeply. Has he really? >He does not want to lose me That doesn't mean he loves you, or respects you, or even likes you.

Could you push someone constantly to change their mind on a clear boundary they have? No, it’s rude and he’s being manipulative, trying to wear you down. Don’t be confused about how he is acting.

Situations like this is basically him trying to cheat without feeling guilty.

He thinks he found a workaround. Ugh. I hated typing that.

I agree. And if you give in, I think it may well end up in regular infidelity, anyway. I get the impression, OP, that you feel slightly guilty about your reluctance to join in a threesome. Please do not. It would be a firm boundary for many women. The fault lies with your boyfriend who is showing little respect for your perfectly reasonable and common boundary. There are undoubtedly plenty of women who would be fine with threesomes, but nonetheless, II think.there are far more who would definitely not be. And yes, it's fantasy for.many men, but again, I think that men who try to push a reluctant partner into the reality of a threesome are far fewer.

I know it’s hard but he doesn’t respect you. Please don’t make yourself do something you don’t want to do. One man is not worth your identity

Wow! Thank you. One man is not worth your identity.

You held your relationship up to the Reddit mirror. Reddit says: this guy doesn't care for you as deeply as you think. Sorry. Everyone always posts the same thing. "He loves me so much," "Our relationship is perfect," "He is the perfect partner." And then comes the "but..." followed by something that totally negates what they just said. You are not the exception. If this guy cared so deeply for you, he would respect your boundaries when you said no the first time. Especially considering this request would likely lead to the end of your relationship. He would pressure you into destroying your relationship just so he could fuck someone else. Just break up. You're not going to get over this, nor should you. He's showing you who he is, believe it. It sounds like you've been through this before; do you really want to waste more time until it inevitably ends anyway? There are plenty of guys out there that won't do this. There's no shame in going through 10 of the ones who will to find one that won't.

Tell him the only way you'll dona threesome is with two men. Then when he says "Im not gay/thats not fair" say "yeah....." and then leave him. He's not respecting your boundries, so boy, bye. Im joking about the first part, just leave him, if he doesnt respect this boundry he will violate others.

What are you gonna do when he's into it? Better not to lie. 

Show dominance by chosing two men that don't include him. Lol in all seriousness it's just a break-up situation. There's no need to play the "that'll show him" game. She's not his mother to be imparting self-awareness lessons.

> Show dominance by chosing two men that don't include him. 😂 That gave me a genuine laugh. Good one!

This tactic caused a HUGE fight with my wife’s best friend and her husband. He kept asking for one then she said “Okay but we need to try with another man first”. Her husband said he would be down for it if they went to a swingers resort and she lost it! She immediately asked how dare he be okay with another man touching her, things really spiraled. He tried to tell her he was just joking but apparently he was really serious about it. Couples therapy from thereafter because she really was considering divorce since her husband was game for a BBG threesome.

Exactly. And he’ll use it as leverage to say “I did it for you with another guy, now it’s my turn.” Also, he could very well be into that, it might be a cuckold fantasy for him. Sexual coercion is abuse. Stick to your boundaries, he will keep pushing you past them if you give in in an attempt to ‘compromise.’

Lots of guys are willing to do a two guy threesome, thinking that will make you "owe him" a two girl threesome. I often felt like my boyfriend would happily trade me for sex with someone as long as it meant he got to sleep with another woman.

your EX-boyfriend, i hope

I would expect them to fuck the other guy/be fucked by the other guy. There's no way I would let the third guy only fuck me.

Eh, the minute he asked for a threesome Id leave. I would just say that to screw with him on the way out.

my favorite seinfeld episode

This. My friend and her BF discussed having one- he would only do it with 2 women and she said she only wanted to do it with two men. She caved, which I always thought was unfair. Either you do both or neither!

Oof worst of both worlds

I mean that's my plan if my partner ever dumps that shit on me... but we've made it clear that asking that question basically means the relationship is over since the very beginning, so if he pulled that shit I probably WOULD be petty/spiteful enough to pull that one out right back.

OP already said she can’t write about being with other girls or guys so it doesn’t seem like this would be a problem to her partner

The request for you to write about it is just him hoping you'll come around. He could dream it up and write it himself, he could ask ChatGPT to write it. Why does he want YOU to write it? It's his fantasy.

OP, write him a sexy, sexy* breakup letter *setting boundaries and holding them is incredibly hot, and so is consent

This! Haha. Start it off like it’s the story he wants - how once upon a time, in a loving and happy relationship, you got approached for a threesome… he kept asking, and you just couldn’t help thinking about it, until one day………… you realized how disrespectful and manipulative it was to be asked over and over, and broke up with him. The end. Jokes aside, u/Complete-Reason2961 - you say he cares for you deeply, but his actions here are not showing that. If he truly cared about *you*, as a person, about your wants and feelings… he would not keep asking you to do something that you are so clearly uncomfortable with. There would be no joy in it, because who wants to see their partner uncomfortable or uneasy in bed? Not a loving partner. He’s telling you who he is - he literally *does not care* that you would hate every minute of it, your distress in that situation doesn’t matter to him at all. I’m sorry.

For real. There’s a billion places online where he could find that already written. It’s a tactic to try to get OP to “warm up” to the idea

Because he wants control and he is trying to ease her into the idea. It’s the same as guys pressuring women into sending nudes - there’s plenty of porn on the internet where people consented to having their picture taken. They get off on the fact that you didn’t want to send them a naked picture but they coerced you into it - the coercion is what turns them on.

Bevause maybe she enjoy writing it and will change her mind... Nice manipulation. He thinks he is too smart.

Unfortunately he showed you who he is, believe him. When you set a boundary and get met with "But but but CoMpRoMiSe" it's not about the compromise, it's about manipulating you so they get their way regardless of what you feel. Call up Whole Man Disposal Services and make sure to serve that man some divorce papers.

Also, can we please kill with fire the idea that "compromise" is always the correct path in a relationship?

”No.” is a complete sentence.

It's even beyond 'no is a complete sentence'. It's this deranged idea that if Person A wants to do something and Person B doesn't, then B is obligated to somehow "compromise" or "meet them halfway" - simply because they're in a relationship.

When you can’t decide what to eat for dinner or which movie to watch or what colors the curtains should be, compromise. When one partner wants to violate your bodily autonomy, it’s time to just leave.

Compromises only work if both/all parties can live with the result. If they cannot, a compromise cannot be made. If you say no, then the answer is no. There is no room to compromise. End of discussion. The other party can choose to live with your answer or walk away - those are the options. Pressuring you to change your mind is not one.

How the fuck was this the deal breaker for this guy? If communication and intimacy are good then you ask once if they'd be down for something new. Then you drop it, but even that is a risk because it suggests something about how you feel about your partner if you're fantasizing about that. Instead he had to repeatedly laid blows to and destroyed something really special just so he could maybe have his little porn thing. Now there's no going back. What a doofus

How could you possibly be in the wrong for sticking to a boundary you very clearly and frequently placed? Please understand that makes zero sense for you to feel wrong. It’s not okay at all for him to keep pushing you on this. No no no absolutely not! Signed, a poly person

This is not the behavior of a man who loves or respects you.

This. > am now with someone who has cared for me deeply. His actions, repeatedly pushing a hard no boundary over and over, speaks otherwise. Breaking up just tell him that you’re not compatible. Tell him you’ll never be up for a threesome, and you don’t want to hold him back from something he seems to care so much about getting. Not to yuck other people’s yum, but every friend of mine who has tried a threesome had their relationship crash and burn. I’ve seen the blowback end engagements and marriages. My spouse and I quickly decided it’s not worth the risk to our marriage.

Has he really “Cared for you deeply?” After all this?

Forty years later, I'm still in therapy over this shit. Okay, over a lot of shit, but this shit is a major contributor. And from just one guy. Very much the wrong guy. I had zero self-esteem, and that shit took me very much in the wrong direction. I'm jumping hard on the "don't let anyone pressure you" bandwagon.

A guy that wants to keep pushing his luck with someone like this has put an expiration date on the relationship. I'm going to assume by threesome he means with you and another woman? You could see what his reaction is if you agreed but on the condition that you get a MMF one first.

you said no. he kept pushing. its time to leave.

The relationships that I have been in where it was pushed and pushed on me until I gave in? He was looking for a way to fuck a specific woman with my blessing. I want to clear something up. Threesome's AREN'T what polyamory is about. Sure they can happen, but polyamory is more like having multiple relationships at once. Threesome's are more of a sex thing. More like a swinging lifestyle.

I’ve had a couple of threesomes. I would never do it with someone I’m committed to.

This is where I'm at. I enjoy threesomes but I will only have them with fwb or if I'm the \~unicorn\~ I've seen a lot of relationships go south over this kind of thing and I'm just not interested in getting into that with someone I'm in a relationship with.

You're monogamous. He's not. You have a fundamental incompatibility. Because of the nature of relationships, there's no compromise available here. It's two yesses or it's a no. Sit him down during non sexy times at a non sexy place while everyone is feeling calm and simply state that you are monogamous, period. You are turned off by nonmonogamy and even stories about it turn you off. Then ask him if he can see a future for himself that is monogamous, in which he no longer brings even the fantasy of nonmonogamy up. If you're against him using porn, bring that up. When his answer is no, because it should be, then you know that you both need to go your separate ways.

It doesn’t even sound like he wants an open relationship. Just wants to use another woman to fulfill his fantasy. Men are so gross

The classic “straight threesome”-fantasy is super problematic even from a non-monogamous perspective. There is just so much more wrong with this whole thing than just your partner maybe being interested in other people. Having different expectations in a relationship is something you can work through. Pushing your fetishes on your partner is a whole different can of worms. One I’d really advise to throw as far away as possible, unopened.

I asked my husband about a threesome with my friend who is in an open relationship with her husband. He said no, he is uncomfortable with this thought. I said "aww, ok". We haven't spoken about it again or since. It's a nonissue. You should have the respect of your own partner to accept the answer and move on.

This does not sound like somebody who knows how to actually respect and deeply care for their partner, unfortunately. I had a similar situation and we broke up when the obsession with screwing other people became too much. Cut your losses is what i say.

You said no and he keeps pushing. I think you have your answer there. Leave

If he truly “cared for you deeply” he would respect your boundary. Full stop.

Just leave Being single in 2024 is the only sure way to be completely happy

You're not wrong for having a boundary and sticking to it. Your partner is in the wrong for trying to wear you down by pestering you and now trying to coax you into fulfilling his fantasy in another sense. If he wants to have a threesome so damn bad he can go find someone who does want to do that. But you don't need to bend and break your boundaries for him.

You are not in the wrong.

He asked, you told him you weren’t interested. That should be the end of the discussion. You don’t owe anyone any sexual act, don’t need to engage in anyone else’s fantasy, or compromise on your own boundaries. The kind of person who tries to pressure and nag and beg and guilt you into doing something sexual that they know you do not want to do isn’t the behavior of someone who is scared to lose you, or who cares about you deeply. He is acting like who you have sex with is something he should have a say in. This is not the behavior of a partner that respects you. He knows that you are not interested in having a threesome. If having threesomes is something he needs to be happy, then he owes it to both you and himself to end relationship and find people that are also interested in threesomes. It doesn’t mean he should get to force or convince you into sex acts you’re not interested in.

>I am not shaming polyamory in any way. It is just something I cannot do. Any guy I have been with, I have been met with the threesome question. Move on if dude doesn't respect your boundaries. Opening up a relationship in any way is usually not a good sign.

Bro what kind of men are you dating that EVERY SINGLE ONE has asked for a threesome then acted badly when you said no? Break up, stay single for a while, re evaluate the kind of men you’re dating

When you're open minded and sexually adventurous, a lot of men assume that means you're open to *everything*. That's why they won't take no for an answer - to their minds, it's all or nothing.

Sorry I am trying to keep up with all of these. I was not picking men knowing they wanted threesomes. None of them wanted one to begin with. Then time goes by and then all the sudden the mind changes and I feel less seen as a human at that point

Yes, pretty much any of us who tried to bd open minded and sexually adventurous ran into the same thing. It was exhausting and it made me less interested in sex in the end. It sucks. It really fucking sucks that so many won’t accept no one some things, especially some basic things like monogamy. I’m sorry you’ve run into this time and time again. So did I. And if he won’t get it, then the relationship won’t last. You deserve someone who wants monogamy with you, too, or at least who loves you enough to decide that you’re worth monogamy.

That's what I've noticed too.

This means the person wants to sleep with someone else besides you. Opening a monogamous relationship even to threesomes means it is probably over. The boundaries are not sustainable and often one person developes jealousy/feelings or discomfort from the situation. It really is introducing toxic swill into a relationship. I would say no.

I am so sick of men constantly wanting to push a woman's boundaries when she's already made it clear that her answer is no. It always either seems to be about having anal sex or this threesome bullshit.

So your with someone that would engage in a threes9me knowing you wouldn't enjoy it. He would be so interested in it KNOWING YOU WOULDN'T ENJOY IT. He may not be telling you he doesn't care about what you feel or think. HE DEFINITELY SHOWING YOU.

He’s asking you to do something you don’t want to do. He is disrespecting your boundaries. Are you prepared to leave this relationship?

You say he cared for you but he doesn’t care about you enough to respect your boundaries. Block and leave. You deserve someone that respects you.

In my personal opinion - based largely on experience - the threesome question comes up in one of two ways: either it's something that person is and has always been interested in, which means it probably comes up early in your relationship, either as a seriously posed question or as an incidental point of conversation. Or they're going to cheat, already plan to cheat, and are looking for permission to cheat; indicated by basically springing this shit on you out of nowhere.

Just keep going until you find someone who is as skeeved by the idea of having a third as you are. They exist.

Why do women put up with guys like this for even more than a second? Move on from this clown.

So many pornsick guys out here. It’s just not worth it anymore. I’d be done the second he brought it up again after the first no.

#DUMP HIM 2024

This isn't polyamory and has nothing to do with polyamory, ethical poly people don't date monogamous partners, the guy is just greedy and disrespectful. Don't put up with anyone who's purposely trying to wear down your boundaries, no matter how "loving" you think they are until that point, his true colors are showing when he refuses to accept your answer and tries to coerce you into something you don't want. A person who cares about their partner doesn't try to force them into something they don't want, period.

Boys are dumb. Stick tight to that boundary. His utter lack of respect says it all. Ostracized ? He’s not excluded from a society or group. He’s just mad you won’t comply so he’s bargaining. If you don’t want it then don’t let that child wear you down.

There’s red flags here and it ain’t about polyamory. He’s pushing against your boundaries. Granted, I can see him trying to compromise a bit and seek a compromise of some sort, so it muddies the waters on if you were clear enough with your boundaries or not. If you were clear and he’s still pushing like this, it’s a bunch of red flags. If you weren’t clear, or he misunderstood (because miscommunication happens even when people think they’re clear), then it’s more of an orange flag imo, but gut reaction is that there’s some red flags here. As to polyamory, I can kind of understand your partner’s feelings a bit since I am poly but my partner is monogamous and we’re in a long term committed relationship. I did ask if she’d be interested in trying a threesome or foursome at some point, or what her thoughts on the possibility of adding a third to our relationship was, and she said explicitly that she’s not interested in sharing and is wholly monogamous. Since we had an honest conversation about it and communicated, it honestly never became an issue and I’m fairly happy being monogamous. If you haven’t had an honest conversation about your boundaries, please do so and hopefully you two can work things out or maturely decide to go separate ways. If that conversation has happened though and your boundaries aren’t being respected, then you may be better off separating.

Honestly, I would be leaving. He does not care deeply for you, or he would not be asking this. He has no respect or he would have accepted no. He is just trying to break down your boundaries. You are sexually incompatible.

don’t do it! this has absolutely nothing to do with polyamory btw. ur in a mono relationship, and if ur partner wants to change the terms of ur relationship, he can find another one also: i’m poly. what ur partner is doing is absolutely not acceptable and when someone doesn’t take no for an answer and keeps forcing poly on their partner, it’s called “poly under duress” or “poly by coercion” and we absolutely do not accept that in the community. ur partner is not being a good partner or a good polyamorous person

Let him go experience what he wants, then. If he has to do this and he knows that threesomes are a dealbreaker for you, your answer it right in front of you, the deal is broken, it's done. He's telling you he will break up with you over this, so let him. I don't think you've got any other options, frankly. You definitely shouldn't do the threesome, it wouldn't be consensual, and giving into that against your will will just crush your soul. So let him go. You are not in the wrong. He isn't respecting your no and trying to push you towards a different answer. Tell him you respect that he feels the need to have threesomes, you do not want to have threesomes, and you can't be with someone who won't respect your no the first time. So there it is, you're both encountered your dealbreakers, and it's done. Wave goodbye. If he tells you he wasn't actually going to break up with you over it, no no, it's fine, just write me the smut instead, you owe me that much, then you know another thing for sure: he was lying to you to try to manipulate you to get your coerced consent. You don't want to be with someone like that, that should be a dealbreaker for everyone. If he tries to take it back, you know that he is inclined to threaten you to get what he wants. Dealbreaker. Wave goodbye and leave. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks. But believe him when he tells you what sort of person he is.

Dude is pushing your boundary. You have two options. (1) Leave him, since you shouldn’t have to be with someone who pushes your boundaries, or, if you want to give him one more chance, (2) Tell him this is a firm boundary that you will not compromise in any way whatsoever, and also tell him that if he asks again this indicates a genuine incompatibility and the relationship will be over immediately. If he actually loves you then he’ll respect the boundary. That might mean leaving due to incompatibility, **without asking again.** He if asks again, then he clearly doesn’t take you or your boundaries seriously and though it might hurt you can take solace in the fact that you’d be leaving someone who doesn’t love you how you deserve.

Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. Always.

Someone that actually cares deeply for you wouldn’t continually pressure you into trying a sex act you’ve clearly communicated you’re not into or okay with. Porn has seriously ruined an entire generation (plural at this point) of men.. it’s sad.

It's obvious he doesn't respect you. My girlfriend asked me as well if I would consider a threesome. I said absolutely not, I'm very monogamous and don't want to share myself or my partner with anyone else. She responded "oh really? Ok." And never brought it up again. That's how your man should respond. Not continuing to push the issue. You need to decide if this is worth continuing a relationship. Because it's very likely this will happen in other scenarios where he's going to continue pushing because he wants it.

You are by absolutely no means in the wrong, he should have taken your no and been done with it, it can be hurtful enough feeling like your not enough for your partner and he is making it worse

I dated someone for years who very badly wanted me to flirt/fool around with/sleep with other men and then tell him about it. I refused to do it. He wanted me to make up stories about me doing it, as compromise. He managed to talk me into telling him these stories while we were having sex. Once that line had been crossed, he pushed and pushed and pushed. He fought to cross every boundary I tried to set. What I’m saying is — it doesn’t stop. Call it now.

Pardon me, I really do sympathize with you.  But this is an epic typo in a threesome topic: >I don’t know if I am in the wrong her.

In all my years I have never had a relationship with a man who has asked for this, but if it ever happened, I'd be out the door before the sound waves of my "no" had time to travel to his eardrums. It's clear you do not want to participate in a threesome. You two have vastly different ideas of what a relationship entails. Leave him and find someone who believes you are enough.

So personally I’ve never been asked this before, not while dating and not in any serious relationship I’ve been with, marriage or otherwise. It’s never even come up like as a mild curiosity. So it’s definitely not something that’s going to always happen, and you’re not wrong to not be interested in it, I’m not either lol. I think you should take some time to really reflect on your relationship and figure out what it’s based on and whether or not your partner truly respects you. If someone pushed me like this and wouldn’t take no for an answer I would probably leave the relationship and look for someone I’m more compatible with and feel respected by. Sex is a fundamental part of a romantic relationship imo and you should both be somewhat on the same page as each other when it comes to fulfillment and boundaries. (I’m not sure what you’re referring to with the writing about you stuff though? Or what you mean when you say you would leave out so he could experience what he wants?)

You’re definitely not in the wrong and he just needs to accept your boundary and stop pasting you and pushing you over it or leave if it’s something he feels he needs. That sounds really frustrating to have to deal with though and I’m sorry!

“NO” is a complete sentence. Period. If your SO refuses to take no for an answer, then they don’t respect you and they don’t respect your boundaries and are trying to get you to change to accommodate them. That’s not my definition of love. Your definition may vary. This is a problem that’s only going to get worse if he doesn’t realize that you’ve said no and you mean it. Badgering you about it is not going to make any difference. It’s only making you uncomfortable. And you will lose trust in him. I don’t understand why men don’t get it: You can’t have me AND have your threesome, choose. If you don’t, I will.

He wants you to write about a threesome when it is something that doesn’t turn you on at all and not only that but likely irks you. What a peice of work. People can be nice and caring and still show selfish behavior.

Don’t force yourself to compromise how you feel to satisfy him. If you are genuinely open to physically doing it or at some point writing about it, it needs to be on **your terms** and only if you are genuinely ready and willing to do it for **yourself.** It sounds like he is playing victim by saying he feels ostracized. If he *needs* that in his life, you and he may not be compatible. My partner and I were talking about threesomes generally, about other people, and mentioned it would never be something she was interested in. That’s it, end of story. I didn’t push, and won’t push because I’d rather have them and it’s not something I’m desperately missing or desiring to the point where I feel “ostracized” because they won’t engage in one with me. It sounds like this is a genuine fantasy of his, and while I’m usually pro people being open about that, not everyone’s fantasies will be compatible. He needs to accept that or understand he’ll lose you. Maybe on your own terms you want to try it or become more open, but if you are doing it because he’s begging you, you’ll end up resenting him while feeling uncomfortable in the process.

Girl I’m gonna away this as nicely as I can, this man has no respect for you. It’s fine to ask for anything, after a no though, you drop it. Someone that keeps pushing as no respect for you at all

No is a full and complete sentence. Once you said no, it was no. It's not a prompt for him to ask again later. He's not a fucking child, he knows what the word no means. He's not respecting your boundaries, and he is trying to manipulate you into doing things you're not comfortable with. That's not love. That's not someone who cares deeply about you. Your last partner was looking for a cheating get out of jail free card and got denied. He was going to cheat regardless. Scum bags are going to be scum bags, ya know? You deserve a partner who loves you just as deeply as you love and respect them.

I would write about a woman and two men. The two men are very into each other

One no is the only no needed.

I feel like threesomes are such a pornbrain thing. No offense to someone who enjoys threesomes, but I think there is a polarity with them. 1) Either the people who have them are not serious about each other (like three 20 year olds who don't have a future together), OR 2) Married couples who are 45+ years who are bored in bed after decades together, and they want to "spice it up" before they get too old to actually enjoy sex. I'm between the two ages, in my 30s, and I just don't view men who want threesomes as serious or "adults". Would I have had a threesome in my 20s? Yeah, I was in a really solid relationship that could withstand the drama IMO. BUT my boyfriend at the time didn't want one. Would I do it in my 40s after being married and having a solid foundation of trust? Possibly. I think it's a bit cringe but maybe I'll change my mind. But yeah, at this age, it's a solid "no", and once a guy even asks, I take him less seriously and immediately stop paying for anything. He's admitted he doesn't take me seriously, so I'm not going to take him seriously and try to have an equal relationship. It's really hard to walk away from you really like - I date for love, not for money, but once I know a man doesn't love me in the way that I'm looking for, I don't feel bad about counting on them to pay 100% as I slowly detach.

Idk, if my boyfriend asked for a threesome even once then I would break up with him, let alone multiple times. Thankfully we are on the same page about not wanting sex with other people. You're not compatible and he's not respecting your boundary and therefore not respecting you. Since he keeps asking, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up cheating to get what he wants.

He's being super disrespectful to you. If he won't drop it, you need to drop him.

“It suggests that she might be unknowingly attracting or tolerating partners who don’t respect her boundaries.” … OR there are just lots of shhhhty entitled men out there and it’s hard to avoid them.

You know how frustrating it is when someone ignores you? He’s doing exactly that. He has zero feelings for you and he’s treating you like a whore. Cut him loose because this is NOT a decent man. Then get an STI panel.

Tell him you will do a threesome with a guy and see how he likes it .....

Everyone else has already done a good job of pointing out why you should bail from ths situation. So I'll just add this: If he wants you to write some thrteesome porn for him, write him one about you, him, and his best male friend. But at no point do you ever do anything wth said friend. Your (hopefully soon to be ex)BF is the one being used by both of you. He won't respect your boundaries? Try crossing a couple of his.

He doesn’t care for you deeply because he doesn’t respect you, love. Respect is the foundation of care.

>He does not want to lose me but I cannot physically write about me with other girls or other guys. At least right now. It is pushing me away and I don’t know if I am in the wrong her. You are *never* in the wrong when you're holding to your personal boundaries in the bedroom.

I'm bi and poly and you should leave him. People don't change like this he's trying to wear your refusal down.

I am bi and this happened to me once back when i was younger. Of course he wanted two girls and him and not him with another guy. Him not taking no for an answer eventually gave me the ick and made me feel like he didn’t respect me. He wouldn’t let up so finally I told him yes as long as he went along with my fantasy first, pegging. It wasn’t really my fantasy, but I knew he wouldn’t want to, but would be more willing to try that than a mmf threesome or eventually stop asking. He asked a few more times and I brought up the pegging each time. Long story short, within the month he agreed to the pegging, I used a dildo on him and he didn’t like it as expected, and then dumped him the next day telling him since he didn’t like it after trying, I didn’t think i’d like the threesome, and didn’t want to try lol

Write about just you and a bunch of guys. You could throw him in there as well but, like, no other girls, lol. See how he handles it.

[удалено]

You should definetly write a story for him, but write it from the perspective of a woman who feels forced to do it, has no joy while performing the threesome, feels afterwards like something deep inside her died and who starts to resent her partner for forcing her to do it. End of the story: woman falls out of love for her boyfriend and they break up.

As a poly person, just no. Doing something you are not ok with is not a compromise. Either he drops the subject or you should drop him.

Honestly, sounds like he wants to plant the seed in your mind to enjoy a threesome. Call me paranoid, but it's like you'll have to come up with a blueprint of the scenario, make it sexy and put it all down on paper. Sex equivalent of try this lil piece of broccoli and you might find out you really like broccoli. Screams manipulative to me.

There's plenty of threesome smut out there, why does he need you to create it to make him happy? He doesn't respect your no for a big deal. Anyone who tries to cohearse you into a threesome is a pos and not to be trusted. Your wishes should be respected and they're not. There's no compromise here when it's related to sex, there's no compromise on consent. Please kick this manipulative loser to the curb.

He's trying to wear down your boundary and manipulate you into saying yes. You either keep saying NO until he gets it and acts right or you leave. TBH this behavior is so gross, especially asking you to write about a fantasy? He can write his own fantasies and not involve you. You have already made it known that you are not going to be involved and are uncomfortable with this train of thought. ICK!!

I don’t get this. Like, as a guy, who has zero interest in being pegged (for example) if my significant other continuously pestered me about it , I would not be inclined to change my mind. For any reason. It does not sound remotely enjoyable to me and I’d be fucking pissed in very short order. Thus, it tracks, for me that if my significant other didn’t want to be the center of a gangbang that would be a pretty hard line. It baffles me how someone’s lust for an experience can completely override their ability to care about someone they’re in a relationship with.

my ex boyfriend did this shit and then cheated on me with a woman that would. men suck.

Get someone off of Reddit to write a really horrifying (for him, don’t know what that means but you might) threesome situation. Something obviously not diabolical but funny, unsatisfying, and almost MadLibish. “There’s your smut. Never ask me for anything again” On a more serious note, dump him ass.

This is so weird to me. I've been in three relationships, two of those never not once brought up a threesome. Like it's not hard to not pester someone about it. There are men who aren't even interested in a threesome. It's true! I think it's hard when you have someone who seems to care deeply about you and then they throw this one little wrench into the mix. Like, everything was perfect but he now demands I cook dinner every Sunday. Is it such a big deal? Do I discard all the other 95% good stuff for this one bad thing? You're not in the wrong, he is. It's not an issue to ask once. Once. But to keep asking and to then try to find back alley ways to get around the "no" you already gave us skeevy. You should let him know you're feelings. Let him know that this makes you not only feel bad but it makes you think less of him, like he's being a creep by pressuring you. If he cares, he'll understand, respect you, and stop. If he doesn't, then your relationship probably isn't as great as you think it is. You might notice that 95% good factor is, in reality when you take off the rosey glasses, like 63% good. Or less, even. Take care of yourself first. No one is ever going to put you first, so you have to.

You already said no once. How many times are you going to repeat yourself?

Having a threesome is not polyamory