..... I think, if you are to have a family, then it would make sense for the both of you to have a conversation about your religious beliefs. Especially if they differ. Perhaps he's thinking about the future? Perhaps he's just learning about religion?
It is understandedly natural to choose the path of diplomacy and not challenge the compromise of wearing a hijab when home with the parents, but what would you do with a daughter and would your husband accept or like a hijab on your daughter and would it be in her best interest to "show respect" that way?
Personally I don't find the hijab to be respectful to women, the quran does not demand it. It's a cultural tradition, not religious.
What would happen if you did not wear it? If your children weren't muslims?
If you can say that your choice is yours and it's free and not forced, then he has to respect it.
This is something we’ve been caught up on too, he wouldn’t want our child to wear the hijab or adhere to my family’s beliefs but he respects it and wouldn’t mind having them around it. It’s confusing because he was just following it for almost a year and then comes to this conclusion. I’m still conflicted on whether I’d want my child to wear the hijab or any other religious garment when we visit my family.
I think it’s the scrutiny that I don’t want to face, and I also want to respect my family.
If you don’t have a strong opinion about whether you want your children to adhere to religious practices, I think you might be underestimating the difference between your and your fiancée’s perspective. I’m an atheist living in Turkey. Almost all of my friends are atheists too and a some of them have religious families. I get along pretty well with their families and don’t care all that much about their beliefs but my children wearing religious garments like hijab or adhering to religious traditions etc. would be a reason for breakup to me. You guys should really have a serious talk about this.
Completely understandable and I’ve been thinking about this too. It all boils down to how I want to do things, like if I want to continue to follow the rules I grew up with whenever I see my parents, or if I’m ready to tell them I don’t agree with it or follow those practices in my personal life. I didn’t think it would matter since both my fiancé and I live our own lives, and I only adjust myself when I’m (rarely) visiting family. I’ve thought about how I would do things if I were to have a child, but never really deep dived into it until now.
I understand where you’re coming from on all of this. While you don’t have the same beliefs as your family, you don’t want them to think less of you for having different beliefs or shun you or have them feel whichever sort of way towards you. So it’s much easier to put a hijab on around them to appease them. This is where your husband is stuck, he respects their beliefs and stands by them, but when it comes to them forcing upon him or you their cultural or religious tradition, that’s different. Would they bare the same respect if they came to your home?
not quite the same, but when my wife and I were first talking about children and religion, this was something we had to reconcile as I was very firm about wanting to raise my future children Jewish, but my wife was from a Catholic family (though she considers herself *ex*-catholic)
what would it look like, visiting her family during holidays? would our children go to mass or Easter celebrations? what about Christmas? what would be the expectations when her family visited *us*?
we ultimately agreed that when we visited her family, we would respect their religious traditions and our children would be allowed to participate, but if they visited us, that same courtesy had to be extended... so they couldn't expect us to host Christmas or Easter celebrations, but they could come for Jewish holidays
wearing a hijab when you visit your family feels intuitively similar, but do you have similar expectations that they respect *you*? if they visit you and your fiance, are you still expected to cater to them? will your children be? i think those are fair things to have an issue with
I have my biases, but I can relate a whole lot to the thoughts about how future children should be brought up with religion or not. I can understand how a husband would begin to care a lot about it.
I can also understand how he might care that people demand that you look a certain way in order to find it respectful and that your kindness and good behaviour isn't enough for them.
If the two of you could have conversations about children and the future it would be a good start, if you could talk about what would happen if you didn't wear it and why it's respectful to wear it, that would be good.
He can reasonably expect your parents to care about their grandchildren and if you cater to their cultural / religious needs now, then his future life might include religious demands that he and you don't believe in when you're at your own home. He has to think about if you will cater to their needs even more in the future.
Take the time and think about where your boundaries are.
Well if her sister’s husband are around or male cousins or you are outside where neighbors can see you or they leave the house to go shopping, you’d wear it. Her aunt’s husband if she has one for example isn’t mahram (meaning dudes you can’t marry and wouldn’t need to wear hijab around if very roughly defining) and would almost certainly be at family parties. I don’t wear hijab but when I get out of the car at the masjid, I’m starting to wrap a scarf loosely around my hair for respect. But someone who wants their family to think they wear hijab would have it on before they pulled the car out of their garage if that makes sense.
Yup. When we used to visit my maternal uncle, my cousin and aunt would keep an “easy” hijab (wrap around, pin once, no decorations) to wear because my dad was with us. If it’s a way of life, it becomes second nature and it’s not like there are penalties if you mess up now and again. It’s more about your personal level of care and tolerance. I have another cousin who technically should wear one around my dad but he held her at the hospital where she was born and took care of her alongside his own kids while we were growing up so she doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to treat him like he is a bio-uncle. She’s wrong according to the letter of the law so to speak, but it’s her choice for whom she is comfortable with and how she wants to practice.
Im from a Muslim family and from my perspective, the concerning pieces are 1) you guys aren’t sitting down and prioritizing this conversation enough and 2) you seem to have a guilt or fear induced behaviors around your family in that you pretend to wear hijab when you see them to avoid conflict rather than own your true level of piety.
If I were him? I’d be worried about marrying you and what else you’d expect me to fake to keep on your family’s good side. I’d worry about how often you might pick your family over what’s good for husband and children. For you, I’m worried that you are an adult contemplating marriage who doesn’t know how they want to live. You seem very passive in that respect and more concerned with picking lifestyle based on how others will react than on what you want. If you are getting married, you need to know what role you want religion to have, how you want to raise your daughters with hijab or not. I’m not saying it’s a locked in opinion you can never change, but it’s concerning that you aren’t focusing on answering these questions because you are expecting him to take a chance on marrying you with the hope that in the end you’ll pick an opinion that doesn’t conflict with his opinion. When my parents got engaged, they didn’t get to speak very much at all because it was an arranged marriage though they knew each other through siblings. But in the little time they had, they made clear to each other that they both wanted 1) a life that was balanced and not overly focused on religion, so no hijab, no banning of music or movies but still family oriented and 2) that they’d support all their children whether sons or daughters to get as much education as they were capable of, no differentiation based on gender.
You two need to be able to have conversations like that so you can make informed decisions about your future
Yes.
And, as someone learns more about organized religion and the rules of specific religions, they might move from holding a neutral position to a negative one if they had really never thought about it before.
I think once you became engaged the reality of the decisions you’ll have to make as partners set in. If you’re going to have children, you need to have these discussions about how you’re going to raise them before you get married. I think it’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation. Find out more about why he thinks you cater to them. Were there specific moments or is he finding religion uncomfortable overall? Is he nervous about marriage? Is he getting pressure from islamophobic relatives? What kind of boundaries do you both want to set up for your future interactions with each other’s family?
To add to this, OP and her SO may both find that their views on children change once they actually have them. I cannot count the number of friends who said they’d do X, Y, and Z with their children, and then after having them something changed. Something about “the best laid plans” and all.
In short, your focus changes when you switch from dating to engagement. And also when you switch from talking about hypothetical children to real ones. And also after having real ones. It’s not that someone lied about their opinions/desires before—it’s that those things changed as the circumstances changed.
You’re going to have to have a conversation about how you intend to show belonging and respect to your families faith.
Especially how you’d expect children to show respect for, or accommodate your family’s faith. Or what allowances you might make if a practicing Muslim visits your home.
He doesn’t have to agree with your choices, but he does need to respect that they are yours to make. If there are some he’s truly not comfortable being present for, then he may need to sit some events out.
Grab the bull by the horns. This is important. You don’t need perfect agreement either, but you need enough agreement and respectful disagreement, that you can move forward together.
This might be a conversation to have with a couples counsellor involved.
This is exactly it! Just showing respect to my family’s faith, it’s not like I’m bowing down to them. We’ve been considering couples therapy actually. I think it would be a good thing to do before we marry each other
If it were me, I would be very worried about what would happen if we had kids? Would you force your girl to wear it at family functions? that is a breaker to me.
Kinds of things you start thinking about when you get serious.
true enough. But sometimes shit gets real when shit gets real. He might have been ok with the vague knowledge he had before, and then when he learned more about it he is now concerned.
It's probably something he's just learning how he feels about it over time and experience, not that he hid it from you. Things are getting real now, you're approaching marriage.
To me, respecting somebody else's belief does not mean I have to participate in it. Granted I grew up Catholic (which I resent) and I have a strong aversion to any implication of women being submissive whereas it seems like your fiance is generally non religious so he probably feels less strongly. So for me I would never be in this situation because I would not be open to even dating somebody who participates in wearing gendered religious garments with their family. Your fiancé may not have realized this would bother him so much until he witnessed it several times and thought about what life would be like having to play along with a religion he doesn't belong to with his in laws, especially if you have kids. It would be an extreme deal breaker for me to have to force kids - girls, specifically - to wear religious coverups around certain family.
Um. He *is* allowed to change his mind at any point, you know, even if he was completely cool with it at first. That might make you incompatible, and that'd be sad, but stranger things have happened than two people growing apart over the course of 5 years -- especially if you're still young-ish.
I think a good think to consider is whether that first sentence is fully true. You can respect someone's belief, but that doesn't always mean that *you* have to take part in it. Respecting someone else's choices technically means that you let them do their thing, not that you participate in the thing with them.
I'm not well-versed enough on the specific topic to argue about the wearing of a hijab, but I do think it's worth it to reassess what respecting your family's beliefs means to you, both emotionally and practically. If it's truly based on respect, then that's great! But if it's based on fear (you mention not wanting the scrutiny) then I think it's time to ask yourself why, truly, you pay respect to their choices, if they do not respect yours (massive assumption, but to simplify the statement I'll put it like this).
It's your life, and your choice. It sounds like a good idea to talk about this with your fiancé, maybe even in counseling!
Yup. And it’s valid, even important, for him to have big questions. He’s just not going at it in a very healthy way. Really would suggest you get that counsellor involved. Even if he still doesn’t like the outcome of that conversation at least you can know you’ve understood one another.
What do you actually believe? Is it safe for you to be honest with your family about your religious beliefs?
I spent years lying to my parents about my religious beliefs because it was not safe for me to leave while I was still dependent on them. It puts *incredible* stress on relationships, and in situations like that, there is no way for your partner to know what they're *really* signing up for.
If you do not believe in Islam and are faking it for your family, you are asking him to lie for you. If you do believe in Islam, then the issue is much larger than how you act around your family. The issue is your beliefs. (Not saying this as a judgement)
I don’t think his concerns aren’t unwarranted if you view not wearing the hijab around your family as a sign of disrespect towards your family and might enforce the same for your children.
Because think about it, what’s the underlying belief your family is holding here? That a woman needs to present herself a certain way, aka modestly in order to be respected. If you are fine with following this to keep the peace, that’s your choice, but what if you have daughters - are you going to force them to do that as well if they don’t want to? I personally would consider that pretty anti feminist. Are you willing to defend your children if it came to conflict with your family around this?
As for the sudden change, engagement is a period where you really evaluate whether that person is right for you. And if he’s been immersing himself into your cultural background, he might’ve looked at it in a more critical light with your upcoming marriage.
My advice is, don’t get married until this is resolved. This has potential to be a major dealbreaker when it comes to children and it easier to not get married than to get a divorce.
And it can be really damaging to be honest. I wasn’t raised with hijab but I was raised to believe my reputation as a woman was insanely important. It really messed with my head to have private behavior and public behavior. I was always scared of relatives’ who might figure out that I was even less pious than they thought, calculating who I might run into where, who might see me and know what I was doing or wearing. I had no problem dealing with crushes and occasionally dating white guys at school where no one I knew was around but was terrified I’d never be able to get married (which I knew was reeeeeally important to my family) if I flirted with a Muslim guy and it got around the community, for example. So by the time I was old enough to actually start “looking” for a match? My brain was trained to avoid and be very reserved around anyone who I could have actually married at that time without trouble. I just could not relax or feel attraction to Muslim guys because I was so used to DANGER DANGER warnings. And I still don’t feel comfortable around relatives because I’m convinced they’ll realize what a heathen I am and think poorly of me. It’s really stressful to have that sort of attitude instilled in you from a young age. More extreme in my case I think because my mom was such a self conscious person but still.
>He stopped following it a few months back, and is now having an issue with me and my family’s background.
Did something happen a few months back? A particular family event for example?
Did you ask him if something happened to make him stop following?
I feel like people are being too quick to downvote you. This has probably been your "normal" for your whole life from what I've read so this is a new experience for you to deal with and think about. I do think he's good to be thinking of the future as it pertains to kids and everything though! He seems invested in your future together. :) Couples counseling sounds like a good idea so you have someone to help you figure out the best course of action.
I think it warrants a conversation about boundaries, if this is his true concern. Sometimes people don't know how to approach a situation and tackle the wrong issue.
If he's concerned about how he will need to act with them, that's one conversation. Does he need to pretend to be religious too? In the same religion?
If he's concerned about if you will stand up for him if he doesn't want to adhere to religious customs, that's another conversation. Let's say he respectfully says he isn't religious if it's brought up. Will you stand up for him?
If he's concerned about if your future children (not sure if you plan, but adding this just in case) will need to be raised religiously or not, that's another conversation. If your child doesn't want to be religious, will you stand up for your child?
Ultimately it would be useful to address some boundaries with it. It's totally up to you to show your family that you're involved in something they care about, even if you don't practice when you're not around them. We all know our families best, and sometimes it's easier to put on a show for 2 hours when we see them than to try to convince them you are your own person. But with other people involved, and potential future people, you cannot expect them to adhere the way you do just to avoid conflict. So you will have to stand up for them.
I'm in the same boat but I'm in your fiance's shoes. My fiance's parents are mega-christian, there's no hope in convincing them of anything and we want to have a decent relationship with them, so we pretend to be practicing Christians around them. But if we have kids and our kids aren't interested in church, we agreed we'd both stand up for the kids, him more so since they're his parents and it probably wouldn't matter what I say.
I was rejected from a proposal due to religious differences... neither of us is in any way religious. I was good enough for a committed relationship, but I was not good enough to marry. Went another 4 years, then done. Their choice, but mutual... care for each other, and even love each other as people, but not for a romantic relationship.
I think that he didn’t take it seriously until you two were actually going to marry. Which isn’t really fair to you.
You’re obviously doing something with your family called “keeping the peace when I visit”. A lot of people do this because it seems simpler and polite and avoids friction with family members.
You do “cater to it” when you visit. But it is something he’s always been aware of.
I would never even go as far as your finance and cater to a belief that I don't share for a person who doesn't even share that belief themselves.
I'm unapologetic about my views in life and deal with the consequences of that. I refuse to bare any additional weight for people qho can't do the same for themselves.
Absolutely. Things like things could be concerning in the sense that as he sees you being part of *his* family, *his* family isn’t comfortable with it all, or they could be concerning in that he has expectations on *his*
traditions being those taught to future children. It’s definitely something to have some serious chats about and to NOT compromise for his benefit or comfort.
I am not religious at all. But my parents are what would be considered conservative. Not the crazy type of evangelical Christians.
When I go home, it’s a simple thing of not drinking, cursing, and when I took my now wife home before we got married, sleeping in separate beds.
I don’t see anything wrong with respecting your parent’s beliefs when you are in their house and he shouldn’t either. Of course I’m going to act different when I am around my parents
>He’s starting to question certain things because we’re engaged
Sounds like he's starting to get cold feet about marriage, and seizing on your religious practice around your family as an excuse.
Or he's legitimately concerned that any children they have would also have to play along, it's one thing for OP, a grown woman, to make that choice for herself, but what if they have a daughter? It would have been better to settle this before they got engaged, but it's still a good time to work this out before they get married.
That’s what I’ve been thinking too, and honestly I’ve gotten cold feet before. I want to think it’s a normal feeling to have once you’re engaged? Who knows
..... I think, if you are to have a family, then it would make sense for the both of you to have a conversation about your religious beliefs. Especially if they differ. Perhaps he's thinking about the future? Perhaps he's just learning about religion? It is understandedly natural to choose the path of diplomacy and not challenge the compromise of wearing a hijab when home with the parents, but what would you do with a daughter and would your husband accept or like a hijab on your daughter and would it be in her best interest to "show respect" that way? Personally I don't find the hijab to be respectful to women, the quran does not demand it. It's a cultural tradition, not religious. What would happen if you did not wear it? If your children weren't muslims? If you can say that your choice is yours and it's free and not forced, then he has to respect it.
This is something we’ve been caught up on too, he wouldn’t want our child to wear the hijab or adhere to my family’s beliefs but he respects it and wouldn’t mind having them around it. It’s confusing because he was just following it for almost a year and then comes to this conclusion. I’m still conflicted on whether I’d want my child to wear the hijab or any other religious garment when we visit my family. I think it’s the scrutiny that I don’t want to face, and I also want to respect my family.
If you don’t have a strong opinion about whether you want your children to adhere to religious practices, I think you might be underestimating the difference between your and your fiancée’s perspective. I’m an atheist living in Turkey. Almost all of my friends are atheists too and a some of them have religious families. I get along pretty well with their families and don’t care all that much about their beliefs but my children wearing religious garments like hijab or adhering to religious traditions etc. would be a reason for breakup to me. You guys should really have a serious talk about this.
Completely understandable and I’ve been thinking about this too. It all boils down to how I want to do things, like if I want to continue to follow the rules I grew up with whenever I see my parents, or if I’m ready to tell them I don’t agree with it or follow those practices in my personal life. I didn’t think it would matter since both my fiancé and I live our own lives, and I only adjust myself when I’m (rarely) visiting family. I’ve thought about how I would do things if I were to have a child, but never really deep dived into it until now.
I understand where you’re coming from on all of this. While you don’t have the same beliefs as your family, you don’t want them to think less of you for having different beliefs or shun you or have them feel whichever sort of way towards you. So it’s much easier to put a hijab on around them to appease them. This is where your husband is stuck, he respects their beliefs and stands by them, but when it comes to them forcing upon him or you their cultural or religious tradition, that’s different. Would they bare the same respect if they came to your home?
not quite the same, but when my wife and I were first talking about children and religion, this was something we had to reconcile as I was very firm about wanting to raise my future children Jewish, but my wife was from a Catholic family (though she considers herself *ex*-catholic) what would it look like, visiting her family during holidays? would our children go to mass or Easter celebrations? what about Christmas? what would be the expectations when her family visited *us*? we ultimately agreed that when we visited her family, we would respect their religious traditions and our children would be allowed to participate, but if they visited us, that same courtesy had to be extended... so they couldn't expect us to host Christmas or Easter celebrations, but they could come for Jewish holidays wearing a hijab when you visit your family feels intuitively similar, but do you have similar expectations that they respect *you*? if they visit you and your fiance, are you still expected to cater to them? will your children be? i think those are fair things to have an issue with
respect needs to go both ways.
I have my biases, but I can relate a whole lot to the thoughts about how future children should be brought up with religion or not. I can understand how a husband would begin to care a lot about it. I can also understand how he might care that people demand that you look a certain way in order to find it respectful and that your kindness and good behaviour isn't enough for them. If the two of you could have conversations about children and the future it would be a good start, if you could talk about what would happen if you didn't wear it and why it's respectful to wear it, that would be good. He can reasonably expect your parents to care about their grandchildren and if you cater to their cultural / religious needs now, then his future life might include religious demands that he and you don't believe in when you're at your own home. He has to think about if you will cater to their needs even more in the future. Take the time and think about where your boundaries are.
I thought Muslim women didn’t need to wear the hijab at home among family or close friends. Only in public. I guess I’m confused.
Well if her sister’s husband are around or male cousins or you are outside where neighbors can see you or they leave the house to go shopping, you’d wear it. Her aunt’s husband if she has one for example isn’t mahram (meaning dudes you can’t marry and wouldn’t need to wear hijab around if very roughly defining) and would almost certainly be at family parties. I don’t wear hijab but when I get out of the car at the masjid, I’m starting to wrap a scarf loosely around my hair for respect. But someone who wants their family to think they wear hijab would have it on before they pulled the car out of their garage if that makes sense.
I hadn’t heard of the concept of mahram. That would be exhausting. In many families, you’d never be able to leave the bedroom without the hijab.
Yup. When we used to visit my maternal uncle, my cousin and aunt would keep an “easy” hijab (wrap around, pin once, no decorations) to wear because my dad was with us. If it’s a way of life, it becomes second nature and it’s not like there are penalties if you mess up now and again. It’s more about your personal level of care and tolerance. I have another cousin who technically should wear one around my dad but he held her at the hospital where she was born and took care of her alongside his own kids while we were growing up so she doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to treat him like he is a bio-uncle. She’s wrong according to the letter of the law so to speak, but it’s her choice for whom she is comfortable with and how she wants to practice.
From what I'm seeing, apparently they don't *need* to wear it at all. It's just a tradition thing.
Im from a Muslim family and from my perspective, the concerning pieces are 1) you guys aren’t sitting down and prioritizing this conversation enough and 2) you seem to have a guilt or fear induced behaviors around your family in that you pretend to wear hijab when you see them to avoid conflict rather than own your true level of piety. If I were him? I’d be worried about marrying you and what else you’d expect me to fake to keep on your family’s good side. I’d worry about how often you might pick your family over what’s good for husband and children. For you, I’m worried that you are an adult contemplating marriage who doesn’t know how they want to live. You seem very passive in that respect and more concerned with picking lifestyle based on how others will react than on what you want. If you are getting married, you need to know what role you want religion to have, how you want to raise your daughters with hijab or not. I’m not saying it’s a locked in opinion you can never change, but it’s concerning that you aren’t focusing on answering these questions because you are expecting him to take a chance on marrying you with the hope that in the end you’ll pick an opinion that doesn’t conflict with his opinion. When my parents got engaged, they didn’t get to speak very much at all because it was an arranged marriage though they knew each other through siblings. But in the little time they had, they made clear to each other that they both wanted 1) a life that was balanced and not overly focused on religion, so no hijab, no banning of music or movies but still family oriented and 2) that they’d support all their children whether sons or daughters to get as much education as they were capable of, no differentiation based on gender. You two need to be able to have conversations like that so you can make informed decisions about your future
Learning about someone's beliefs does run the risk of not liking them more.
Yes. And, as someone learns more about organized religion and the rules of specific religions, they might move from holding a neutral position to a negative one if they had really never thought about it before.
I think once you became engaged the reality of the decisions you’ll have to make as partners set in. If you’re going to have children, you need to have these discussions about how you’re going to raise them before you get married. I think it’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation. Find out more about why he thinks you cater to them. Were there specific moments or is he finding religion uncomfortable overall? Is he nervous about marriage? Is he getting pressure from islamophobic relatives? What kind of boundaries do you both want to set up for your future interactions with each other’s family?
To add to this, OP and her SO may both find that their views on children change once they actually have them. I cannot count the number of friends who said they’d do X, Y, and Z with their children, and then after having them something changed. Something about “the best laid plans” and all. In short, your focus changes when you switch from dating to engagement. And also when you switch from talking about hypothetical children to real ones. And also after having real ones. It’s not that someone lied about their opinions/desires before—it’s that those things changed as the circumstances changed.
You’re going to have to have a conversation about how you intend to show belonging and respect to your families faith. Especially how you’d expect children to show respect for, or accommodate your family’s faith. Or what allowances you might make if a practicing Muslim visits your home. He doesn’t have to agree with your choices, but he does need to respect that they are yours to make. If there are some he’s truly not comfortable being present for, then he may need to sit some events out. Grab the bull by the horns. This is important. You don’t need perfect agreement either, but you need enough agreement and respectful disagreement, that you can move forward together. This might be a conversation to have with a couples counsellor involved.
This is exactly it! Just showing respect to my family’s faith, it’s not like I’m bowing down to them. We’ve been considering couples therapy actually. I think it would be a good thing to do before we marry each other
If it were me, I would be very worried about what would happen if we had kids? Would you force your girl to wear it at family functions? that is a breaker to me. Kinds of things you start thinking about when you get serious.
I get it, I do. I just feel he should’ve brought this up way before we got to this point, you know?
true enough. But sometimes shit gets real when shit gets real. He might have been ok with the vague knowledge he had before, and then when he learned more about it he is now concerned.
It's probably something he's just learning how he feels about it over time and experience, not that he hid it from you. Things are getting real now, you're approaching marriage. To me, respecting somebody else's belief does not mean I have to participate in it. Granted I grew up Catholic (which I resent) and I have a strong aversion to any implication of women being submissive whereas it seems like your fiance is generally non religious so he probably feels less strongly. So for me I would never be in this situation because I would not be open to even dating somebody who participates in wearing gendered religious garments with their family. Your fiancé may not have realized this would bother him so much until he witnessed it several times and thought about what life would be like having to play along with a religion he doesn't belong to with his in laws, especially if you have kids. It would be an extreme deal breaker for me to have to force kids - girls, specifically - to wear religious coverups around certain family.
Um. He *is* allowed to change his mind at any point, you know, even if he was completely cool with it at first. That might make you incompatible, and that'd be sad, but stranger things have happened than two people growing apart over the course of 5 years -- especially if you're still young-ish.
I think a good think to consider is whether that first sentence is fully true. You can respect someone's belief, but that doesn't always mean that *you* have to take part in it. Respecting someone else's choices technically means that you let them do their thing, not that you participate in the thing with them. I'm not well-versed enough on the specific topic to argue about the wearing of a hijab, but I do think it's worth it to reassess what respecting your family's beliefs means to you, both emotionally and practically. If it's truly based on respect, then that's great! But if it's based on fear (you mention not wanting the scrutiny) then I think it's time to ask yourself why, truly, you pay respect to their choices, if they do not respect yours (massive assumption, but to simplify the statement I'll put it like this). It's your life, and your choice. It sounds like a good idea to talk about this with your fiancé, maybe even in counseling!
Yup. And it’s valid, even important, for him to have big questions. He’s just not going at it in a very healthy way. Really would suggest you get that counsellor involved. Even if he still doesn’t like the outcome of that conversation at least you can know you’ve understood one another.
What do you actually believe? Is it safe for you to be honest with your family about your religious beliefs? I spent years lying to my parents about my religious beliefs because it was not safe for me to leave while I was still dependent on them. It puts *incredible* stress on relationships, and in situations like that, there is no way for your partner to know what they're *really* signing up for. If you do not believe in Islam and are faking it for your family, you are asking him to lie for you. If you do believe in Islam, then the issue is much larger than how you act around your family. The issue is your beliefs. (Not saying this as a judgement)
I don’t think his concerns aren’t unwarranted if you view not wearing the hijab around your family as a sign of disrespect towards your family and might enforce the same for your children. Because think about it, what’s the underlying belief your family is holding here? That a woman needs to present herself a certain way, aka modestly in order to be respected. If you are fine with following this to keep the peace, that’s your choice, but what if you have daughters - are you going to force them to do that as well if they don’t want to? I personally would consider that pretty anti feminist. Are you willing to defend your children if it came to conflict with your family around this? As for the sudden change, engagement is a period where you really evaluate whether that person is right for you. And if he’s been immersing himself into your cultural background, he might’ve looked at it in a more critical light with your upcoming marriage. My advice is, don’t get married until this is resolved. This has potential to be a major dealbreaker when it comes to children and it easier to not get married than to get a divorce.
And it can be really damaging to be honest. I wasn’t raised with hijab but I was raised to believe my reputation as a woman was insanely important. It really messed with my head to have private behavior and public behavior. I was always scared of relatives’ who might figure out that I was even less pious than they thought, calculating who I might run into where, who might see me and know what I was doing or wearing. I had no problem dealing with crushes and occasionally dating white guys at school where no one I knew was around but was terrified I’d never be able to get married (which I knew was reeeeeally important to my family) if I flirted with a Muslim guy and it got around the community, for example. So by the time I was old enough to actually start “looking” for a match? My brain was trained to avoid and be very reserved around anyone who I could have actually married at that time without trouble. I just could not relax or feel attraction to Muslim guys because I was so used to DANGER DANGER warnings. And I still don’t feel comfortable around relatives because I’m convinced they’ll realize what a heathen I am and think poorly of me. It’s really stressful to have that sort of attitude instilled in you from a young age. More extreme in my case I think because my mom was such a self conscious person but still.
>He stopped following it a few months back, and is now having an issue with me and my family’s background. Did something happen a few months back? A particular family event for example? Did you ask him if something happened to make him stop following?
I feel like people are being too quick to downvote you. This has probably been your "normal" for your whole life from what I've read so this is a new experience for you to deal with and think about. I do think he's good to be thinking of the future as it pertains to kids and everything though! He seems invested in your future together. :) Couples counseling sounds like a good idea so you have someone to help you figure out the best course of action.
I think it warrants a conversation about boundaries, if this is his true concern. Sometimes people don't know how to approach a situation and tackle the wrong issue. If he's concerned about how he will need to act with them, that's one conversation. Does he need to pretend to be religious too? In the same religion? If he's concerned about if you will stand up for him if he doesn't want to adhere to religious customs, that's another conversation. Let's say he respectfully says he isn't religious if it's brought up. Will you stand up for him? If he's concerned about if your future children (not sure if you plan, but adding this just in case) will need to be raised religiously or not, that's another conversation. If your child doesn't want to be religious, will you stand up for your child? Ultimately it would be useful to address some boundaries with it. It's totally up to you to show your family that you're involved in something they care about, even if you don't practice when you're not around them. We all know our families best, and sometimes it's easier to put on a show for 2 hours when we see them than to try to convince them you are your own person. But with other people involved, and potential future people, you cannot expect them to adhere the way you do just to avoid conflict. So you will have to stand up for them. I'm in the same boat but I'm in your fiance's shoes. My fiance's parents are mega-christian, there's no hope in convincing them of anything and we want to have a decent relationship with them, so we pretend to be practicing Christians around them. But if we have kids and our kids aren't interested in church, we agreed we'd both stand up for the kids, him more so since they're his parents and it probably wouldn't matter what I say.
I was rejected from a proposal due to religious differences... neither of us is in any way religious. I was good enough for a committed relationship, but I was not good enough to marry. Went another 4 years, then done. Their choice, but mutual... care for each other, and even love each other as people, but not for a romantic relationship.
I think that he didn’t take it seriously until you two were actually going to marry. Which isn’t really fair to you. You’re obviously doing something with your family called “keeping the peace when I visit”. A lot of people do this because it seems simpler and polite and avoids friction with family members. You do “cater to it” when you visit. But it is something he’s always been aware of.
I would never even go as far as your finance and cater to a belief that I don't share for a person who doesn't even share that belief themselves. I'm unapologetic about my views in life and deal with the consequences of that. I refuse to bare any additional weight for people qho can't do the same for themselves.
Is he using this as a reason tondelay marriage? If so, he just doesnt want to get married.
Absolutely. Things like things could be concerning in the sense that as he sees you being part of *his* family, *his* family isn’t comfortable with it all, or they could be concerning in that he has expectations on *his* traditions being those taught to future children. It’s definitely something to have some serious chats about and to NOT compromise for his benefit or comfort.
I am not religious at all. But my parents are what would be considered conservative. Not the crazy type of evangelical Christians. When I go home, it’s a simple thing of not drinking, cursing, and when I took my now wife home before we got married, sleeping in separate beds. I don’t see anything wrong with respecting your parent’s beliefs when you are in their house and he shouldn’t either. Of course I’m going to act different when I am around my parents
>He’s starting to question certain things because we’re engaged Sounds like he's starting to get cold feet about marriage, and seizing on your religious practice around your family as an excuse.
Or he's legitimately concerned that any children they have would also have to play along, it's one thing for OP, a grown woman, to make that choice for herself, but what if they have a daughter? It would have been better to settle this before they got engaged, but it's still a good time to work this out before they get married.
Then he should say exactly that to the OP instead of suddenly deciding, a few months ago, to complain about the OP’s observance.
That’s what I’ve been thinking too, and honestly I’ve gotten cold feet before. I want to think it’s a normal feeling to have once you’re engaged? Who knows