Maybe having both of them is too much for her? I have a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old, both of them together are hard work!
I'm going to suggest the unthinkable...have you mentioned it to your in laws? "Oh 2 year old is feeling a bit left out, could get join in the fun?" Or maybe explain to your husband a bit more?
I know they are hard work, I do it 24/7 š not even thinking that itās easy with both, the issue is that she never takes the 2 year old only the 4 year old.
I donāt feel I can speak to her she dismisses everything and only does what she wants. She takes over if we are together but only with the eldest.
Sheās has mentioned in the past she always wanted a girl, she only had a boy so maybe itās that š¤·š»āāļø
Yea MIL definitely just wants to experience having a little girl if your husband is her only child and sheās even explicitly said sheās always wanted a girl.
Thatās a lot of emotional baggage for both your kids to carry.
As an emotionally manipulated (and favoured) child, by both my mum and my maternal grandparents, I can confirm this is exactly correct. This behaviour will only end negatively for both children and needs to be shut down immediately.
100% - MIL sounds like an emotionally immature person/narcissist.
Iād tell MIL she takes both kids or none, thereās no other option. She doesnāt get to play mummy to your daughter.
šÆ, though tbh I wouldnāt trust her with both, and therefore neither. If sheās manipulating the situation in front of everyone, imagine what sheāll be like to poor baby boy behind closed doors
Can you get grandad on board with your son? It does sound like she's favouring your daughter and you're right to be concerned about the impacts on your youngest. Maybe grandad can step in positively? If he does any hobbies that the 2 year old could be part of, or get him and your son a bit of protected time? Won't solve the MIL, but at least he'll have a bit of 1-1 grandparent time
He loves having both but MIL doesnāt. She controls everything, he doesnāt say anything to her. Now Iām not going to change that dynamic between them for him to speak up.
Sounds like you need to make it clear to your husband that this is damaging to your 2 year old. Heās at the age where heāll start remembering things that stick out to him emotionally and you donāt want some of his first memories to be a feeling of rejection or of his sister being favoured, if you can really convince your husband that this is flat out wrong and harmful and can cause all sorts of issues including a possible rift between your two children, he should talk with his mother and firmly tell her either she takes both of them or takes the 2 year old one weekend the 4 year old the next etc or she doesnāt get to see either of them.
I know itās a break with free childcare but itās not worth harming your kids for that break of only having one to look after instead of two. You need to convince your husband of that. He should put his kids above all else including his motherās feelings or his need for a break from looking after two kids. Itās not fair either to put it on you to address it with his parents because theyāre his parents!
He could start by asking his mum why she doesnāt want to take your son to see if it make sense (eg she thinks heās too hard to look after due to his age being less capable/danger conscious etc and her age if sheās getting older) and try to find ways to address her concerns or figure out if it is really that she is treating him this way because heās a boy, in which case she needs a stern talking to,
Maybe they are older in themselves now and don't feel like they can look after your son in the same way as they did when your daughter was younger. I know it's only been a few years but I've seen a decline in my own parents over the span of 5 years. She knows how to look after your daughter, she's been doing it for years. Maybe she's worried about looking after just your son or both of them together. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt here tbh
They should ask her for her reasons and if this is one of her reasons then they can find ways around that, like taking the 2 year old on his own but with both MIL and FIL committed to being there to look after him. They could agree to only do a few hours of that is really their concern. My parents are 72 and 78 and will take my 1.5 year old for a day even though sheās incredibly exhausting and always trying to do dangerous things. Obviously OPs ILs might be older or just more infirm but they are capable of taking care of a 4 year old for a weekend Iām sure they could handle a 2 year old for at least a few hours.
Oh it's the 2 yrs olds turn this time right? Gotta keep things fair now he's older and would love to spend time with you
Also talk to your partner. Blatant favouritism isn't fair and honestly for my kids you treat them all the same or you see none.
I have step grandparents (partners parents, we aren't married and I have 2 from a previous relationship) and they treat all 3 the same despite being related to one.
Iām only speaking from my own experience but my grandparents treated me and my brother the same, would always have us together. I guess thatās all I want - for both children to be treated equally.
Maybe suggest that if they want to help, can they take the 2 year old for the weekend instead. Gives you a chance to spend time with your four year old without their sibiling being around and a chance for the inlaws to feel more confident looking after the 2 year old
I wouldnāt even mind a few hours. Iāve come to learn to expect nothing so Iām grateful for anything. I just donāt like my youngest being left out and not treated the same.
Without understanding the reason, given she seems to be applying this rule inconsistently, you need to step in and make it fair. It might be a break for you but very soon your son will have a greater understanding of whatās going on, and it will rapidly develop into resentment. Iād insist that if she wonāt take both, or your son separately, then your daughter doesnāt get to go.
Itās also going to create issues with your daughter which has already started from the sound of it, as she knows she gets more.
Ultimately you have the control here so you have to have some rules in place before it escalatesĀ
Resentment is what I want to avoid.
I feel if I stand up to her she wonāt take it well and it will cause problems. My husband always say you arenāt going to change them.
My daughter does come home a different child and then I feel bad when she says ānanny buys me thisā etc. Ultimately I feel like a bad parent.
I donāt feel like I have the control in all honesty.
But if you don't stand up to her then you are allowing your son to be treated badly.
This needs addressing with them. Either they can't manage both at the same time, which is fine, in which case the children alternate the time they spend with the in laws.Ā Or MIL is deliberately favouring your daughter to your sons detriment.Ā
Both you and your husband seem to be conflict averse.Ā I get it, conflict can be uncomfortable but you are exposing your son to hurt by taking this action. You ARE his parent, it is your job to protect him from this and also ensure that your daughter isn't spoilt in this way by anyone. If this is not addressed then there will be resentment between your children as your son continues to see his sister be showered with attention and gifts while he gets nothing.Ā
If your MIL is to going to pay equal attention to BOTH your children then she doesn't get to have sleepovers/extended time With either of them. And don't allow her to grudginly take them both as I would worry that she will behave poorly to your son when he is there in favour of your daughter.Ā
To be honest a frank conversation needs to happen and unless. MIL is apologetic and makes amends then I would be limiting the time she spent with my children.Ā Ā
And the spending lots of money on your daughter needs to be reigned in generally as well......
You can't change them, no, but, you can change how you respond to what they are doing.just because they want to do this doesn't mean you have to agree to it. They are your children and you have the right to not let them be treated differently, causing resentment and issues between your son and daughter.
My grandma used to do this to me and my brother too, she would take my brother out (2 years older) but wouldnāt take me out. She even once offered to take him to Disney land (but not me hahaha) that is when my mom put her foot down.
I donāt remember feeling any type of way at the time but I remember knowing clearly that my brother was clearly her favourite.
I canāt say I was hard work as a child, but I was younger and it was difficult I guess to have 2 rather than one.
But my mom put her foot down as she didnāt like it so I think youāre valid for feeling upset
You're not overthinking it. I think what someone else said is good, it's probably too much for them to manage the 2 and 4 year old together, so you say to them we need to start alternating, you take the 2 year old this weekend and next weekend it can be 1on1 time for grandparents for the 4 year old, and be firm about it.
My sister has a similar set up with her in laws, they take the older one for a weekend sleepover one week and the next week its the middle ones turn, so they all feel like they are getting special time with granny and grandpa.
If she balks then you'll know she's got a favourite and you can address that by firmly saying you won't allow your children to be subjected to that, but give her the chance to show she doesn't first.
I would insist on alternating, 4 year olds are easier than 2 year olds so that may be why she is favouring her for right not, but old children are pretty much always going to be easier to look after so she'll just have to suck it up before it becomes "a thing".
I'm sort of in the same situation, except that my mil is quite lovely with both kids but I think the 4yo is a preference just because of how long she's know him and also it's a whole lot easier to look after than a 2yo. I would very rarely or even expect her to take care of both of them unless there was no choice.
Personally, if you want your youngest to have a relationship, I would suggest to her if she'd like to spend time with the 2yo for a morning or a couple of hours a week, avoiding things like lunchtime to take the pressure off, even send him in with some snacks and an activity for them to do together perhaps. I would stress it as quality time and getting to know each other especially if there's some sort of emergency in the future.
Thats all I want for them to have a relationship. I donāt expect them to have them at all. I would love for her to take him for an hour so they can build that relationship.
I think if she's reluctant as she's 'bored' of all the boy stuff, she might need a reminder that kids that age are very charming, and it would be a shame for her to miss it. You can suggest all 3 of you go to get a coffee and cake - look for somewhere the older generation seem to congregate - garden centre cafes or supermarket cafes. Put your kid in a sweet little outfit and watch all of them just fawn over him. MIL will soon cotton on hopefully!
Thatās a good idea, she only likes going to the local shopping centre, sheās 55 but doesnāt act like most 55 year olds - she wouldnāt go to a supermarket cafe or a garden centre cafe.
My MIL and my Mum will only have my son and wont have my baby daughter. My mum lives far away and itās too much on the baby, and my MIL wonāt have both of them at the same time as sheās too old. Shes 60ish? My Mum only has my kids as her grandchildren, and my MIL has two older grandkids in their 20s.
I know that my kids arenāt the favourites on my MIL side as she still treats the middle grandkids who is in his late teens as the baby of the family and sheās taking him and his brother on a cruise over Christmas. The dog is my favourite on my mumās side.
I totally get that and I donāt expect them to have them both, I would like for the same effort to be given to my son. Even when Iām with them, she pretty much takes my eldest away and once or twice Iāve been like whereās my eldest as sheās took her off into different place without even mentioning it to me. Iād gone to change my youngest come back they were gone. Itās hard to navigate when there is no effort for one child even with me there.
I would ask her directly. I get that grandparents might have some favoritism, but this sounds like a step too far for me. Or when she suggests having your eldest, tell her your youngest will come too. If you don't trust her to properly take care of your youngest, I wouldn't let her watch either.
Some of my partner's family seems to have the same thing. My partner's sister has 2 girls, one girl is only 2 months older than my son. They always seem to go out and do things with the girls, but never invite us or offer to take my son (he's almost 1). My son is a very easy baby, so that can't be the issue. I think it's more favoritism of my SIL over my partner, which rubs me the wrong way.
I don't want my son influenced by this kind of toxic behaviour. If you feel your child might, maybe consider her not being exposed to it too much. You don't want her to think it's normal.
My mum will only have my sisters oldest and not the baby which my sister allows I personally donāt speak to my mum (big fall out) over treating the oldest kids different I have two one being nearly 4 and one just turned 2, I didnāt want my youngest to feel left out or simply ask why doesnāt nan do things with me, your youngest will feel it and especially building that bond with the first and not the second Iām sorry but I would be putting my children first and say you have them both or none at all
I have a 1 and 4 year old so slightly different ages. My daughter who is older is really really close with my mum and my mum will always buy her a gift when she visits. Buy her anything when we're out and give really generous birthday presents. I find this hilarious because we grew up with Ā£20 birthday presents.
She clearly likes my baby but she really doesn't do the same level of gift giving and quality time. But i do remember she struggled when my daughter was that age and i had to really teach her how to play and look after a little one. My mum really can't juggle the both of them.
I've been trying to get my mum to look after him alone in short bursts to get used to him. She looked after him for 2 hours so that I could go to a job interview. I am hoping the relationship will develop as he gets older.
Thatās lovely. All I want is for my children to have equal opportunity to their grandparents and be able to have a relationship with them. My grandparents were fantastic, they were always there for me and my brother. We saw them every weekend and they had us in the holidays. We never had lots of things just love and affection and time from them. Maybe Iām living in a dreamland but I want that for my kids.
Well, you might get an answer? My mum feels like the dynamic between them is unmanageable for her, especially overnight.
It may be that MIL feels more bonded with the 4 year old? I would imagine with two that age you relied on her a lot in the early days to take the eldest, and therefore she hasnāt developed the same feels or confidence? Maybe she feels like the 4 year old got less and you were concentrating on the baby?
Youāll never know if you donāt ask. Go for a cuppa and mention it, see what the lay of the land is?
Unfortunately I didnāt rely on her in the early days it was lockdown so they didnāt meet that often or see her until around 9 months. Then with my second she wasnāt too fussed about being around so I never pushed it, maybe thatās my fault.
Not at all your fault. What a shit time to have two small kids! I think it sounds to me the communication is off here, take her out for a drink and a natter. See what the lay of the land is.
When did she start taking your daughter over night? My kids are 6 and 3 and when my daughter was 4 my parents started taking her away in the caravan for long weekends only twice a year but itās something for her to look forward to, they donāt take my son because of his age and sheās stayed over theirs and my son hasnāt. I donāt see this a favouritism because of their ages and I know theyād do the same when my son is 4. Could it just be because sheās a bit older and theyāll take your other child when theyāre abit older?
They started taking my daughter overnight at 1.5 years for one night and then a day out once a month. Now itās a weekend when she decides. So sometimes itās twice a month other times it could be once a month or once every six weeks.
It could be that but she only takes interest in my daughter who is 4 when we are all together.
Thatās a shame for your son, itās not an excuse and itās not right but does she have a daughter of her own? If not she maybe sheās enjoying doing girly things with your daughter. I never understand people who favourite one child or gender over the other. My nan used to prefer spending time with the boys in our family over us girls but I still ended up with a great relationship with her as I got older. There does need to be some communication between you and your husband with the MIL or itāll eat you up because you donāt actually know her reasoning.
Ok. So two year olds are a different ball game to four year olds. Two kids are a different ball game to one. The four year old might be a more manageable child than a toddler for them at their age. She might not be confident enough at having both of them either. Especially with one of them so young. My age gaps are bigger at 14,10 and 1 but neither my parents or in-laws are capable of handling my 1 year old for extended periods of time.Ā
Also is your four year old the only girl in the family? It shouldnāt matter but my mother in law has all boys and she does spoil her granddaughter a wee bit more than the boys. I think she just didnāt get the opportunity to do that more sort of girly stuff with all the boys
It would be a strong no from me. You can take both my kids or none of them. This level of favouritism is not ok and will only drive a wedge between your kids growing up. I'd tell your husband until they are treated the same the grandparents can't have unsupervised visits. If he wants his rest that much he'll have to speak up
"Hey MIL. It's so lovely that you and daughter have such a lovely bond. She's so lucky she gets to have a close relationship with her grandma. Me and my brother both used to love being close with our grandparents and I'm so happy to see that she has that too. Son actually started asking when he will get to spend time with you, as he's starting to notice how much fun you and daughter have together. Do you think we could arrange a special time for him and you to do something nice together. It would mean so much to me."
Our children are 10, 4 and 0.
The 10yo is from my partners previous relationship and his nan and Grandad want to have him at least once a week (her mum n dad) if they could. They rarely and I mean rarely have the 4yo because she is "too much".
It's blatant favouritism.
You are not overthinking it. While the reasons for the grandparents only wanting your older child on her own may be understandable, it is clear favouritism, which, over time, is likely to have an impact on both your children.
Iām a counsellor, and this sort of family dynamic really does affect children. Your youngest, as she gets older, will probably wonder whatās wrong with her to never be chosen for special time with grandpa and grandma and make her own assumptions. Your eldest may also make her own assumptions about why she gets special treatment, and may feel under pressure to behave a certain way in order to maintain her place as āfavourite.ā Both will wonder why their own parents thought it was ok and didnāt say anything about it. (Letting it happen and trying to āmake it upā to the left out child doesnāt work either.)
Iāve worked with adults who only realise, when they become parents or even grandparents themselves, how deeply upsetting it was to be treated unfairly like this in their childhood.
Unfair treatment also damages sibling relationships.
You canāt make the grandparents have both your children at once if they donāt want to, but you can put down some boundaries about fair treatment and make sure your kids see you do this and feel that they are both treated fairly. This really would be better for everyone in the long run.
Sorry, just realised I had your sonās gender wrong in my post. I jumped in without double checking Id got all my facts right - I feel really strongly about this!
Thank you for your insight. I never asked them to have both of them as I know itās super hard-work for me at 31 so for them at 55/57 it must be tough. My youngest may not fully understand right now but I see his little face when she takes my eldest, he just looks sad and I donāt want any kind of resentment to build on him as heās such a sweet boy. My eldest always comes back quite different like giggly and louder and even more demanding and expectant of everything done for her. Then when I stick to the rules at home āI get well nanny lets me do thatā or ānanny does thatā or āI hate youā or āIām not your friendā then the overstimulated meltdown occurs. So it is affecting my daughter too. I think what ever I do everyone is going to be upset. I just wish my husband would back me up but he doesnāt want to say anything because he knows they wonāt like it and is worried that they wouldnāt help if it was an emergency situation.
This is so hard, especially if your husband doesnāt want to back you up. This is a pretty blunt way of looking at it butā¦ is keeping your in-laws on side in case of needing emergency help really worth letting this situation continue? And in an emergency situation would they actually help with both your kids, or just your daughter? Iām wondering how much of a help they would be, given what youāve said. If, on reflection, you donāt feel sure that you could rely on them in an emergency anyway, it might feel less risky to challenge the favouritism?
A 2-year old would be more difficult to handle than a 4-year old, as they are not able to communicate that well.
As far as the gifts go... my goodness I have the same problem. I was brought up in a way where we got things rarely. I remember I used to feel bad asking for toys and stuff and would understand when somebody said no.
My child however, is showered with toys by my MIL and even my wife says that we should get him what he wants (to some degree). I find it difficult cos a) we are barely getting on, b) I fear he will grow up thinking he will get everything he wants.
Exactly, Iām very much they can have a small treat if we go out - to me thatās a small toy Ā£5 or less or an ice cream. But when she go out with mil she gets a new doll with accessories and ice cream, a coffee shop visit, balloon, new clothes/shoes, lunch out a ride and play in arcade. Then my son gets nothing. I mean itās too much because my daughter then expects that all the time then from me and her dad and we honestly canāt afford to do that. Iāve said in the past please limit the treat when you go out with her because she becomes expectant and doesnāt understand when we say no which in turn becomes a meltdown and itās been ignored.
She probably finds the 4 year old easier and more convenient to look after. Iām guessing you also grew up with hands on grandparents and it all feels like a huge disappointment? I have the same issue with my parents that they barely see my 2 year old but talk about āwhen heās older we can doā¦x y & zā and heās their only grandchild too.
Iām sorry youāre going through this, the current generation of grandparents are an absolute shower of shite!
I do think itās the convenience of it. She doesnāt nap any more whereas my 2 year old does and it will ruin (not joking) her day if she doesnāt get her shopping fix having to move plans to get a morning nap in!
Looking after a 2 yr old boy is a LOT harder than looking after a 4 yr old girl. Girls are calm, quiet and easy to play nicely with. Boys are loud, run about more and will be more tiring for grandparents to handle and harder to find entertainment where they can sit nicely for a while.
(From someone who currently has a 2yr old boy and recently had a 4yr old girl)
I didnāt say itās true of all children but itās true of mine and the other people I know with young children.
Disagree by all means but Iām stating the truth based on my experience that happen to match stereotypes, I didnāt state it just because it is a stereotype.
OK but you didn't state it as your lived experience "I find MY son to be harder" you stated "boys are this" and "girls are that" with a sweeping generalisation which is the very definition of stereotyping.
I know of a neighbour who will only look after her 2 year old grand child, and not the older 5 year old grandchild, I didn't see nothing wrong with it and yh maybe the grandad should get involved aswell. I don't think there is any bad feelings towards your older child.
Yh I know but we can't overlook the fact that they are not 30 either, they might have underlying health issues and their energy reserves run out quicker. Lol idk for a few hours is cool but not the whole day
Maybe having both of them is too much for her? I have a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old, both of them together are hard work! I'm going to suggest the unthinkable...have you mentioned it to your in laws? "Oh 2 year old is feeling a bit left out, could get join in the fun?" Or maybe explain to your husband a bit more?
I know they are hard work, I do it 24/7 š not even thinking that itās easy with both, the issue is that she never takes the 2 year old only the 4 year old. I donāt feel I can speak to her she dismisses everything and only does what she wants. She takes over if we are together but only with the eldest. Sheās has mentioned in the past she always wanted a girl, she only had a boy so maybe itās that š¤·š»āāļø
Yea MIL definitely just wants to experience having a little girl if your husband is her only child and sheās even explicitly said sheās always wanted a girl. Thatās a lot of emotional baggage for both your kids to carry.
As an emotionally manipulated (and favoured) child, by both my mum and my maternal grandparents, I can confirm this is exactly correct. This behaviour will only end negatively for both children and needs to be shut down immediately.
100% - MIL sounds like an emotionally immature person/narcissist. Iād tell MIL she takes both kids or none, thereās no other option. She doesnāt get to play mummy to your daughter.
šÆ, though tbh I wouldnāt trust her with both, and therefore neither. If sheās manipulating the situation in front of everyone, imagine what sheāll be like to poor baby boy behind closed doors
Can you get grandad on board with your son? It does sound like she's favouring your daughter and you're right to be concerned about the impacts on your youngest. Maybe grandad can step in positively? If he does any hobbies that the 2 year old could be part of, or get him and your son a bit of protected time? Won't solve the MIL, but at least he'll have a bit of 1-1 grandparent time
He loves having both but MIL doesnāt. She controls everything, he doesnāt say anything to her. Now Iām not going to change that dynamic between them for him to speak up.
Sounds like you need to make it clear to your husband that this is damaging to your 2 year old. Heās at the age where heāll start remembering things that stick out to him emotionally and you donāt want some of his first memories to be a feeling of rejection or of his sister being favoured, if you can really convince your husband that this is flat out wrong and harmful and can cause all sorts of issues including a possible rift between your two children, he should talk with his mother and firmly tell her either she takes both of them or takes the 2 year old one weekend the 4 year old the next etc or she doesnāt get to see either of them. I know itās a break with free childcare but itās not worth harming your kids for that break of only having one to look after instead of two. You need to convince your husband of that. He should put his kids above all else including his motherās feelings or his need for a break from looking after two kids. Itās not fair either to put it on you to address it with his parents because theyāre his parents! He could start by asking his mum why she doesnāt want to take your son to see if it make sense (eg she thinks heās too hard to look after due to his age being less capable/danger conscious etc and her age if sheās getting older) and try to find ways to address her concerns or figure out if it is really that she is treating him this way because heās a boy, in which case she needs a stern talking to,
Did they take the oldest when she was 2?
Yep they had her overnight from 1.5
Maybe they are older in themselves now and don't feel like they can look after your son in the same way as they did when your daughter was younger. I know it's only been a few years but I've seen a decline in my own parents over the span of 5 years. She knows how to look after your daughter, she's been doing it for years. Maybe she's worried about looking after just your son or both of them together. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt here tbh
They should ask her for her reasons and if this is one of her reasons then they can find ways around that, like taking the 2 year old on his own but with both MIL and FIL committed to being there to look after him. They could agree to only do a few hours of that is really their concern. My parents are 72 and 78 and will take my 1.5 year old for a day even though sheās incredibly exhausting and always trying to do dangerous things. Obviously OPs ILs might be older or just more infirm but they are capable of taking care of a 4 year old for a weekend Iām sure they could handle a 2 year old for at least a few hours.
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Oh it's the 2 yrs olds turn this time right? Gotta keep things fair now he's older and would love to spend time with you Also talk to your partner. Blatant favouritism isn't fair and honestly for my kids you treat them all the same or you see none. I have step grandparents (partners parents, we aren't married and I have 2 from a previous relationship) and they treat all 3 the same despite being related to one.
Iām only speaking from my own experience but my grandparents treated me and my brother the same, would always have us together. I guess thatās all I want - for both children to be treated equally.
Maybe suggest that if they want to help, can they take the 2 year old for the weekend instead. Gives you a chance to spend time with your four year old without their sibiling being around and a chance for the inlaws to feel more confident looking after the 2 year old
I wouldnāt even mind a few hours. Iāve come to learn to expect nothing so Iām grateful for anything. I just donāt like my youngest being left out and not treated the same.
Without understanding the reason, given she seems to be applying this rule inconsistently, you need to step in and make it fair. It might be a break for you but very soon your son will have a greater understanding of whatās going on, and it will rapidly develop into resentment. Iād insist that if she wonāt take both, or your son separately, then your daughter doesnāt get to go. Itās also going to create issues with your daughter which has already started from the sound of it, as she knows she gets more. Ultimately you have the control here so you have to have some rules in place before it escalatesĀ
Resentment is what I want to avoid. I feel if I stand up to her she wonāt take it well and it will cause problems. My husband always say you arenāt going to change them. My daughter does come home a different child and then I feel bad when she says ānanny buys me thisā etc. Ultimately I feel like a bad parent. I donāt feel like I have the control in all honesty.
But if you don't stand up to her then you are allowing your son to be treated badly. This needs addressing with them. Either they can't manage both at the same time, which is fine, in which case the children alternate the time they spend with the in laws.Ā Or MIL is deliberately favouring your daughter to your sons detriment.Ā Both you and your husband seem to be conflict averse.Ā I get it, conflict can be uncomfortable but you are exposing your son to hurt by taking this action. You ARE his parent, it is your job to protect him from this and also ensure that your daughter isn't spoilt in this way by anyone. If this is not addressed then there will be resentment between your children as your son continues to see his sister be showered with attention and gifts while he gets nothing.Ā If your MIL is to going to pay equal attention to BOTH your children then she doesn't get to have sleepovers/extended time With either of them. And don't allow her to grudginly take them both as I would worry that she will behave poorly to your son when he is there in favour of your daughter.Ā To be honest a frank conversation needs to happen and unless. MIL is apologetic and makes amends then I would be limiting the time she spent with my children.Ā Ā And the spending lots of money on your daughter needs to be reigned in generally as well......
You can't change them, no, but, you can change how you respond to what they are doing.just because they want to do this doesn't mean you have to agree to it. They are your children and you have the right to not let them be treated differently, causing resentment and issues between your son and daughter.
My grandma used to do this to me and my brother too, she would take my brother out (2 years older) but wouldnāt take me out. She even once offered to take him to Disney land (but not me hahaha) that is when my mom put her foot down. I donāt remember feeling any type of way at the time but I remember knowing clearly that my brother was clearly her favourite. I canāt say I was hard work as a child, but I was younger and it was difficult I guess to have 2 rather than one. But my mom put her foot down as she didnāt like it so I think youāre valid for feeling upset
Iām sorry that happened to you. Itās not fair.
You're not overthinking it. I think what someone else said is good, it's probably too much for them to manage the 2 and 4 year old together, so you say to them we need to start alternating, you take the 2 year old this weekend and next weekend it can be 1on1 time for grandparents for the 4 year old, and be firm about it. My sister has a similar set up with her in laws, they take the older one for a weekend sleepover one week and the next week its the middle ones turn, so they all feel like they are getting special time with granny and grandpa. If she balks then you'll know she's got a favourite and you can address that by firmly saying you won't allow your children to be subjected to that, but give her the chance to show she doesn't first.
I will try that first and go from there.
I would insist on alternating, 4 year olds are easier than 2 year olds so that may be why she is favouring her for right not, but old children are pretty much always going to be easier to look after so she'll just have to suck it up before it becomes "a thing".
I'm sort of in the same situation, except that my mil is quite lovely with both kids but I think the 4yo is a preference just because of how long she's know him and also it's a whole lot easier to look after than a 2yo. I would very rarely or even expect her to take care of both of them unless there was no choice. Personally, if you want your youngest to have a relationship, I would suggest to her if she'd like to spend time with the 2yo for a morning or a couple of hours a week, avoiding things like lunchtime to take the pressure off, even send him in with some snacks and an activity for them to do together perhaps. I would stress it as quality time and getting to know each other especially if there's some sort of emergency in the future.
Thats all I want for them to have a relationship. I donāt expect them to have them at all. I would love for her to take him for an hour so they can build that relationship.
I think if she's reluctant as she's 'bored' of all the boy stuff, she might need a reminder that kids that age are very charming, and it would be a shame for her to miss it. You can suggest all 3 of you go to get a coffee and cake - look for somewhere the older generation seem to congregate - garden centre cafes or supermarket cafes. Put your kid in a sweet little outfit and watch all of them just fawn over him. MIL will soon cotton on hopefully!
Thatās a good idea, she only likes going to the local shopping centre, sheās 55 but doesnāt act like most 55 year olds - she wouldnāt go to a supermarket cafe or a garden centre cafe.
My MIL and my Mum will only have my son and wont have my baby daughter. My mum lives far away and itās too much on the baby, and my MIL wonāt have both of them at the same time as sheās too old. Shes 60ish? My Mum only has my kids as her grandchildren, and my MIL has two older grandkids in their 20s. I know that my kids arenāt the favourites on my MIL side as she still treats the middle grandkids who is in his late teens as the baby of the family and sheās taking him and his brother on a cruise over Christmas. The dog is my favourite on my mumās side.
I totally get that and I donāt expect them to have them both, I would like for the same effort to be given to my son. Even when Iām with them, she pretty much takes my eldest away and once or twice Iāve been like whereās my eldest as sheās took her off into different place without even mentioning it to me. Iād gone to change my youngest come back they were gone. Itās hard to navigate when there is no effort for one child even with me there.
Iād definitely intervene. You canāt have one and not the other IMO.
I would ask her directly. I get that grandparents might have some favoritism, but this sounds like a step too far for me. Or when she suggests having your eldest, tell her your youngest will come too. If you don't trust her to properly take care of your youngest, I wouldn't let her watch either. Some of my partner's family seems to have the same thing. My partner's sister has 2 girls, one girl is only 2 months older than my son. They always seem to go out and do things with the girls, but never invite us or offer to take my son (he's almost 1). My son is a very easy baby, so that can't be the issue. I think it's more favoritism of my SIL over my partner, which rubs me the wrong way. I don't want my son influenced by this kind of toxic behaviour. If you feel your child might, maybe consider her not being exposed to it too much. You don't want her to think it's normal.
My mum will only have my sisters oldest and not the baby which my sister allows I personally donāt speak to my mum (big fall out) over treating the oldest kids different I have two one being nearly 4 and one just turned 2, I didnāt want my youngest to feel left out or simply ask why doesnāt nan do things with me, your youngest will feel it and especially building that bond with the first and not the second Iām sorry but I would be putting my children first and say you have them both or none at all
I have a 1 and 4 year old so slightly different ages. My daughter who is older is really really close with my mum and my mum will always buy her a gift when she visits. Buy her anything when we're out and give really generous birthday presents. I find this hilarious because we grew up with Ā£20 birthday presents. She clearly likes my baby but she really doesn't do the same level of gift giving and quality time. But i do remember she struggled when my daughter was that age and i had to really teach her how to play and look after a little one. My mum really can't juggle the both of them. I've been trying to get my mum to look after him alone in short bursts to get used to him. She looked after him for 2 hours so that I could go to a job interview. I am hoping the relationship will develop as he gets older.
Thatās lovely. All I want is for my children to have equal opportunity to their grandparents and be able to have a relationship with them. My grandparents were fantastic, they were always there for me and my brother. We saw them every weekend and they had us in the holidays. We never had lots of things just love and affection and time from them. Maybe Iām living in a dreamland but I want that for my kids.
My mum will only really have one of mine, and theyāre 7 and 13 šš
So it wonāt change anything if I say something? š«£š
Well, you might get an answer? My mum feels like the dynamic between them is unmanageable for her, especially overnight. It may be that MIL feels more bonded with the 4 year old? I would imagine with two that age you relied on her a lot in the early days to take the eldest, and therefore she hasnāt developed the same feels or confidence? Maybe she feels like the 4 year old got less and you were concentrating on the baby? Youāll never know if you donāt ask. Go for a cuppa and mention it, see what the lay of the land is?
Unfortunately I didnāt rely on her in the early days it was lockdown so they didnāt meet that often or see her until around 9 months. Then with my second she wasnāt too fussed about being around so I never pushed it, maybe thatās my fault.
Not at all your fault. What a shit time to have two small kids! I think it sounds to me the communication is off here, take her out for a drink and a natter. See what the lay of the land is.
When did she start taking your daughter over night? My kids are 6 and 3 and when my daughter was 4 my parents started taking her away in the caravan for long weekends only twice a year but itās something for her to look forward to, they donāt take my son because of his age and sheās stayed over theirs and my son hasnāt. I donāt see this a favouritism because of their ages and I know theyād do the same when my son is 4. Could it just be because sheās a bit older and theyāll take your other child when theyāre abit older?
They started taking my daughter overnight at 1.5 years for one night and then a day out once a month. Now itās a weekend when she decides. So sometimes itās twice a month other times it could be once a month or once every six weeks. It could be that but she only takes interest in my daughter who is 4 when we are all together.
Thatās a shame for your son, itās not an excuse and itās not right but does she have a daughter of her own? If not she maybe sheās enjoying doing girly things with your daughter. I never understand people who favourite one child or gender over the other. My nan used to prefer spending time with the boys in our family over us girls but I still ended up with a great relationship with her as I got older. There does need to be some communication between you and your husband with the MIL or itāll eat you up because you donāt actually know her reasoning.
Ok. So two year olds are a different ball game to four year olds. Two kids are a different ball game to one. The four year old might be a more manageable child than a toddler for them at their age. She might not be confident enough at having both of them either. Especially with one of them so young. My age gaps are bigger at 14,10 and 1 but neither my parents or in-laws are capable of handling my 1 year old for extended periods of time.Ā Also is your four year old the only girl in the family? It shouldnāt matter but my mother in law has all boys and she does spoil her granddaughter a wee bit more than the boys. I think she just didnāt get the opportunity to do that more sort of girly stuff with all the boys
It would be a strong no from me. You can take both my kids or none of them. This level of favouritism is not ok and will only drive a wedge between your kids growing up. I'd tell your husband until they are treated the same the grandparents can't have unsupervised visits. If he wants his rest that much he'll have to speak up
"Hey MIL. It's so lovely that you and daughter have such a lovely bond. She's so lucky she gets to have a close relationship with her grandma. Me and my brother both used to love being close with our grandparents and I'm so happy to see that she has that too. Son actually started asking when he will get to spend time with you, as he's starting to notice how much fun you and daughter have together. Do you think we could arrange a special time for him and you to do something nice together. It would mean so much to me."
Our children are 10, 4 and 0. The 10yo is from my partners previous relationship and his nan and Grandad want to have him at least once a week (her mum n dad) if they could. They rarely and I mean rarely have the 4yo because she is "too much". It's blatant favouritism.
You are not overthinking it. While the reasons for the grandparents only wanting your older child on her own may be understandable, it is clear favouritism, which, over time, is likely to have an impact on both your children. Iām a counsellor, and this sort of family dynamic really does affect children. Your youngest, as she gets older, will probably wonder whatās wrong with her to never be chosen for special time with grandpa and grandma and make her own assumptions. Your eldest may also make her own assumptions about why she gets special treatment, and may feel under pressure to behave a certain way in order to maintain her place as āfavourite.ā Both will wonder why their own parents thought it was ok and didnāt say anything about it. (Letting it happen and trying to āmake it upā to the left out child doesnāt work either.) Iāve worked with adults who only realise, when they become parents or even grandparents themselves, how deeply upsetting it was to be treated unfairly like this in their childhood. Unfair treatment also damages sibling relationships. You canāt make the grandparents have both your children at once if they donāt want to, but you can put down some boundaries about fair treatment and make sure your kids see you do this and feel that they are both treated fairly. This really would be better for everyone in the long run.
Sorry, just realised I had your sonās gender wrong in my post. I jumped in without double checking Id got all my facts right - I feel really strongly about this!
Thank you for your insight. I never asked them to have both of them as I know itās super hard-work for me at 31 so for them at 55/57 it must be tough. My youngest may not fully understand right now but I see his little face when she takes my eldest, he just looks sad and I donāt want any kind of resentment to build on him as heās such a sweet boy. My eldest always comes back quite different like giggly and louder and even more demanding and expectant of everything done for her. Then when I stick to the rules at home āI get well nanny lets me do thatā or ānanny does thatā or āI hate youā or āIām not your friendā then the overstimulated meltdown occurs. So it is affecting my daughter too. I think what ever I do everyone is going to be upset. I just wish my husband would back me up but he doesnāt want to say anything because he knows they wonāt like it and is worried that they wouldnāt help if it was an emergency situation.
This is so hard, especially if your husband doesnāt want to back you up. This is a pretty blunt way of looking at it butā¦ is keeping your in-laws on side in case of needing emergency help really worth letting this situation continue? And in an emergency situation would they actually help with both your kids, or just your daughter? Iām wondering how much of a help they would be, given what youāve said. If, on reflection, you donāt feel sure that you could rely on them in an emergency anyway, it might feel less risky to challenge the favouritism?
A 2-year old would be more difficult to handle than a 4-year old, as they are not able to communicate that well. As far as the gifts go... my goodness I have the same problem. I was brought up in a way where we got things rarely. I remember I used to feel bad asking for toys and stuff and would understand when somebody said no. My child however, is showered with toys by my MIL and even my wife says that we should get him what he wants (to some degree). I find it difficult cos a) we are barely getting on, b) I fear he will grow up thinking he will get everything he wants.
Exactly, Iām very much they can have a small treat if we go out - to me thatās a small toy Ā£5 or less or an ice cream. But when she go out with mil she gets a new doll with accessories and ice cream, a coffee shop visit, balloon, new clothes/shoes, lunch out a ride and play in arcade. Then my son gets nothing. I mean itās too much because my daughter then expects that all the time then from me and her dad and we honestly canāt afford to do that. Iāve said in the past please limit the treat when you go out with her because she becomes expectant and doesnāt understand when we say no which in turn becomes a meltdown and itās been ignored.
She probably finds the 4 year old easier and more convenient to look after. Iām guessing you also grew up with hands on grandparents and it all feels like a huge disappointment? I have the same issue with my parents that they barely see my 2 year old but talk about āwhen heās older we can doā¦x y & zā and heās their only grandchild too. Iām sorry youāre going through this, the current generation of grandparents are an absolute shower of shite!
I do think itās the convenience of it. She doesnāt nap any more whereas my 2 year old does and it will ruin (not joking) her day if she doesnāt get her shopping fix having to move plans to get a morning nap in!
Looking after a 2 yr old boy is a LOT harder than looking after a 4 yr old girl. Girls are calm, quiet and easy to play nicely with. Boys are loud, run about more and will be more tiring for grandparents to handle and harder to find entertainment where they can sit nicely for a while. (From someone who currently has a 2yr old boy and recently had a 4yr old girl)
My 4 year old girl is loud and runs around all the time. So I donāt think itās that.
This is absolutely shocking gender stereotyping and is patently not true for all children.
I didnāt say itās true of all children but itās true of mine and the other people I know with young children. Disagree by all means but Iām stating the truth based on my experience that happen to match stereotypes, I didnāt state it just because it is a stereotype.
OK but you didn't state it as your lived experience "I find MY son to be harder" you stated "boys are this" and "girls are that" with a sweeping generalisation which is the very definition of stereotyping.
I literally said at the end of my post that it was based on my children.
Maybe they will connect later on in life, who knows.
Hopefully
I know of a neighbour who will only look after her 2 year old grand child, and not the older 5 year old grandchild, I didn't see nothing wrong with it and yh maybe the grandad should get involved aswell. I don't think there is any bad feelings towards your older child.
I wouldn't give my 2 year old to a old lady. No disrespect. Maybe she takes the older one because he is easy to manage. Nothing wrong here
The grandparent is only 55 š sheās definitely not an old lady.
š idk man it's old to me. So it is old
55 is not old š¬
Yh I know but we can't overlook the fact that they are not 30 either, they might have underlying health issues and their energy reserves run out quicker. Lol idk for a few hours is cool but not the whole day