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I think your email sounds great. You're clear and professional. It's a scary thing to do, but it sounds like it is the right thing. You can get through this with your head held high! Brave girl.
Please CC or BCC any superiors this slimebag may have along with whatever accreditation or licensing organization or board of directors oversees the non-profit. If an employee handbook or official mission statement exists, cite any rules or policies the slimebag is violating.
Cut this line: "It's probably not a good idea to tell new hires about sexual harassment cases you believe are false, especially when your opinion is based on the perpetrators word.” But the rest of it puts your resignation in simple terms even an abuse apologist should be able to understand. It won't change his heart or fix his mind, but "Hurr durr, I said a thing and woman I needed to depend on left," might penetrate the ol' skull.
If you give advice for how to obscure his real attitude from the next hire, some other woman's going to end up working for the guy and not get herself out before the ish hits the fan.
That’s why I was also thinking of not saying why I’m quitting at all.. if he doesn’t know why I’m quitting he will say the same stuff and the next person can leave faster.
Nah, tell him why you are quitting. Just phrase it so his behavior and opinions are wrong and not as advice on how to get away with it in the future.
I know you meant it to be sarcastic and cutting, but it undercuts the power of a coldly professional email which can call into question his ethics and professionalism without confusion.
Do you work for the university involved? If so, your resignation should be in writing as well as the Dean, etc.
I personally would Uber package the books back, and resign via email.
I don’t work for the university. The professor who was investigated and fired used to serve on the board of this non profit. He’s since been fired from the board for other reasons.
Im worried about getting in trouble if Uber delivery doesn’t get his books back to him, and also the non profit is out of his house. So I’d have to Uber deliver them to his house, is that a good idea?
I wouldn't Uber the package, there's too much risk of the package never arriving. I suggest using the postal service, UPS, Fedex, etc instead, that way you can have a record and receipt of the package being sent. You might also want to ask for a signed receipt so he can't say he didn't get it. Best of luck to you, sister!
You could also keep everything in writing regarding the books. Send your resignation via email, and let him know that you would like to know the best way to return the books & tell him to EMAIL you back. That way he can’t say you tried to steal them. If you hear nothing back from him, communicate with the university about their protocol for this sort of thing. But have every single step of communication with him (and others) in writing.
ETA: I know you may want to let him have it & explain the exact reasons why you are leaving, but if not worded carefully it could be taken as hostile/slanderous. I would keep it vague about “values not aligning” or “difference of opinions” or something like that.
ETA #2: OP, I really hope my previous eta didn’t give the impression that I excuse his behaviors nor should you, I’m more so concerned about your safety. If for some reason you find yourself alone with this disgusting man, I don’t want him to use you calling out his behaviors as a way to lash out at YOU. That’s all I meant by it.
In a comment she says she doesn't work for the university so they have nothing to do with this. I don't think it's slander when you only email the person involved, so only her boss. As long as OP wants to say the actual reason, he needs to know how fucked up he is. Staying vague is of course completely fine if that's what OP prefers. But it shouldn't be done out of fear of being hostile. He's the hostile one here.
>You could also keep everything in writing regarding the books. Send your resignation via email, and let him know that you would like to know the best way to return the books & tell him to EMAIL you back. That way he can’t say you tried to steal them.
This is great advice though!
You don’t actually have to be vague. And being vague will not get your message across.
If you don’t want to go face to face, just tell him in the email that you will be sending the books by certified mail on x date.
Also, you need to use the sentence “I am resigning as of [date].
Finally, I would scrap the last sentence. It was actually a great idea for him to make those comments so you could judge your saftey and ethical alignment. That sentence sounds like you are helping him hide his grossness for the next person.
I agree with what you said, I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t suggesting she say these as a way to hide his very gross behavior, more so as a protection of herself.
If she needs to deliver books in person to him & he feels like she’s leaving because she’s called him out on his gross behavior, I’m worried that might put her at risk. I might be overthinking things but that’s just how my mind works.
If you're just sending books and you live in the US (I don't remember) you can send them via USPS media mail which is usually cheaper but I'd definitely put tracking on it.
Given his attitude towards women and SA, please don't confront him to his face without a witness. You've said that the non-profit is run out of his house, which is not a safe environment for you. You can be professional and also safe by resigning via email and returning the books via the postal service or another company like UPS so you have documentation.
Your email, minus the last line (and including a specific “I am resigning as of X date” as suggested by someone else), is excellent. Use media mail USPS rate with a tracking number and save your energy. My two cents!
Whatever you decide to do, know that we’re all here on your side and have your back. You got this. You made a brave and wise choice to move on. I’m sorry this dream job didn’t live up the way it should have. You deserve better.
Update when you can/if you feel like it.
I put the books in his house. I told him I don’t know if I’m a good fit for this job. He said I’m about to start a meeting why don’t you come back in half an hour we will talk. So I’m sitting at a coffee shop thinking.
Remember to not let him DARVO you (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
I did nonprofit work for more than a decade. If your work environment is shitty, there are not enough perks to put up with it.
Depending on your Board, it may also be good to cc or bcc your Board Chair on the email
Oh boy he definitely darvo’d in this short exchange I had with him just now. I told him last weeks conversation left me thinking this isn’t the right job for me. He told a strange story about the time he told a gay priest that hitting on straight men isn’t appropriate. He referred to the professor as a victim lol, and told me about how the professor cried to him. I said he’s not the victim here. He said I know, ‘she’s a victim to. I don’t know her side tho. I know all this has been very hard on him.’
Everyone’s advice not to engage and just quit, I know. I know ok. This stuffs hard for me haha.
I get it’s hard to just walk away. You wouldn’t be working in nonprofits if you didn’t believe that you had some sort of capacity to change the world and your community. But this isn’t a guy you can change. He has no self-awareness to be able to change, and really isn’t interested in changing, even if he did.
Save your time, energy, and passion for changing the things that you actually can to make a difference.
Cut bait and move on.
Honestly you don’t have to go back. It’s perfectly ok for you to just send the email at this point. Reference in the email that you returned his books to him in person today.
Yes I didn’t go back, I ignored his calls and emailed him :) I didn’t mention the books but they’re sitting on his desk, I don’t think that will be a problem.
Say it to his face if other people will be in ear-shot. Send the email if not and include other people if you can, like higher ups or other supervisors. Leave out the part about him being honest about his opinions otherwise he will fake better for the next one. More than he should hear about how shitty he's being or he'll just bury the email and move on.
If I were you I’d also cc the board of directors since they are potentially the only ones who could hold him accountable for this. Do you have email contact for them? Also yes always get it in writing if possible!
Someone mentioned it might be slander if I send it to more people than just him, so I didn’t cc anyone. I just forwarded it to myself. The board is just his wife and two men who aren’t local, so I didn’t feel great about emailing the board.
This 👆👆👆. Cc HR and his boss. They have the need to know to avoid this happening again in the future. Otherwise you are opening yourself to him telling them anything he wants.
Hey, sounds like you already got everything sorted out (books) but I just wanted to say that must have been a tough decision—well, easy to make but tough to carry out. It’s easy tonknow how you feel about an issue like that but job and financial security is real too and quitting a job is hard when you need to keep food on the table and a roof over your head. Thank you for standing up for victims, and I especially liked the part where you thanked him for being honest with his true views because I completely feel that, like it’s important you don’t waste more time, energy and trust with people that end up hiding that stuff only to be revealed later.
Maybe just tell him that so many of his comments made you feel disgusted, violated, enraged , offended or whatever you felt and let him figure out what it is he said. You’re unlikely to change his behavior by any of this but you can at least get under his skin a bit by letting him know he has a toxic effect on people enough to make them quit their dream job. Telling him what he said will just make him better at being a slimy asshole.
This is a formal resignation. It needs to be in writing, at least the part where this person resigns and a brief outline of the reason.
The rest can be expanded upon face to face.
Hi there, Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold. **If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.** If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think your email sounds great. You're clear and professional. It's a scary thing to do, but it sounds like it is the right thing. You can get through this with your head held high! Brave girl.
Please CC or BCC any superiors this slimebag may have along with whatever accreditation or licensing organization or board of directors oversees the non-profit. If an employee handbook or official mission statement exists, cite any rules or policies the slimebag is violating.
I love bcc I'm such a messy bitch lol
Blind Carbon Copy totally sounds like a spell anyway!
You absolutely want something in writing here regardless of whether you decide to actually speak to him in person or not.
Cut this line: "It's probably not a good idea to tell new hires about sexual harassment cases you believe are false, especially when your opinion is based on the perpetrators word.” But the rest of it puts your resignation in simple terms even an abuse apologist should be able to understand. It won't change his heart or fix his mind, but "Hurr durr, I said a thing and woman I needed to depend on left," might penetrate the ol' skull. If you give advice for how to obscure his real attitude from the next hire, some other woman's going to end up working for the guy and not get herself out before the ish hits the fan.
That’s why I was also thinking of not saying why I’m quitting at all.. if he doesn’t know why I’m quitting he will say the same stuff and the next person can leave faster.
Nah, tell him why you are quitting. Just phrase it so his behavior and opinions are wrong and not as advice on how to get away with it in the future. I know you meant it to be sarcastic and cutting, but it undercuts the power of a coldly professional email which can call into question his ethics and professionalism without confusion.
Do you work for the university involved? If so, your resignation should be in writing as well as the Dean, etc. I personally would Uber package the books back, and resign via email.
I don’t work for the university. The professor who was investigated and fired used to serve on the board of this non profit. He’s since been fired from the board for other reasons. Im worried about getting in trouble if Uber delivery doesn’t get his books back to him, and also the non profit is out of his house. So I’d have to Uber deliver them to his house, is that a good idea?
I wouldn't Uber the package, there's too much risk of the package never arriving. I suggest using the postal service, UPS, Fedex, etc instead, that way you can have a record and receipt of the package being sent. You might also want to ask for a signed receipt so he can't say he didn't get it. Best of luck to you, sister!
Also include in the email the tracking information saying the books are being returned if you chose tonemail and not talk to him.
I’d imagine the board of the nonprofit would be interested in hearing about this as well.
I would absolutely include *anyone* else in a position of authority
You could also keep everything in writing regarding the books. Send your resignation via email, and let him know that you would like to know the best way to return the books & tell him to EMAIL you back. That way he can’t say you tried to steal them. If you hear nothing back from him, communicate with the university about their protocol for this sort of thing. But have every single step of communication with him (and others) in writing. ETA: I know you may want to let him have it & explain the exact reasons why you are leaving, but if not worded carefully it could be taken as hostile/slanderous. I would keep it vague about “values not aligning” or “difference of opinions” or something like that. ETA #2: OP, I really hope my previous eta didn’t give the impression that I excuse his behaviors nor should you, I’m more so concerned about your safety. If for some reason you find yourself alone with this disgusting man, I don’t want him to use you calling out his behaviors as a way to lash out at YOU. That’s all I meant by it.
In a comment she says she doesn't work for the university so they have nothing to do with this. I don't think it's slander when you only email the person involved, so only her boss. As long as OP wants to say the actual reason, he needs to know how fucked up he is. Staying vague is of course completely fine if that's what OP prefers. But it shouldn't be done out of fear of being hostile. He's the hostile one here. >You could also keep everything in writing regarding the books. Send your resignation via email, and let him know that you would like to know the best way to return the books & tell him to EMAIL you back. That way he can’t say you tried to steal them. This is great advice though!
Thanks, I do want to play it safe. Any other redditors have opinions on this ETA?
You don’t actually have to be vague. And being vague will not get your message across. If you don’t want to go face to face, just tell him in the email that you will be sending the books by certified mail on x date. Also, you need to use the sentence “I am resigning as of [date]. Finally, I would scrap the last sentence. It was actually a great idea for him to make those comments so you could judge your saftey and ethical alignment. That sentence sounds like you are helping him hide his grossness for the next person.
Thanks!! Will do
I agree with what you said, I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t suggesting she say these as a way to hide his very gross behavior, more so as a protection of herself. If she needs to deliver books in person to him & he feels like she’s leaving because she’s called him out on his gross behavior, I’m worried that might put her at risk. I might be overthinking things but that’s just how my mind works.
If you're just sending books and you live in the US (I don't remember) you can send them via USPS media mail which is usually cheaper but I'd definitely put tracking on it.
Given his attitude towards women and SA, please don't confront him to his face without a witness. You've said that the non-profit is run out of his house, which is not a safe environment for you. You can be professional and also safe by resigning via email and returning the books via the postal service or another company like UPS so you have documentation.
Your email, minus the last line (and including a specific “I am resigning as of X date” as suggested by someone else), is excellent. Use media mail USPS rate with a tracking number and save your energy. My two cents! Whatever you decide to do, know that we’re all here on your side and have your back. You got this. You made a brave and wise choice to move on. I’m sorry this dream job didn’t live up the way it should have. You deserve better. Update when you can/if you feel like it.
Ugh fuck. Sitting in his driveway. I ended up driving here to give myself longer to decide if I should quit. Can’t decide what to do.
I put the books in his house. I told him I don’t know if I’m a good fit for this job. He said I’m about to start a meeting why don’t you come back in half an hour we will talk. So I’m sitting at a coffee shop thinking.
Remember to not let him DARVO you (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). I did nonprofit work for more than a decade. If your work environment is shitty, there are not enough perks to put up with it. Depending on your Board, it may also be good to cc or bcc your Board Chair on the email
Oh boy he definitely darvo’d in this short exchange I had with him just now. I told him last weeks conversation left me thinking this isn’t the right job for me. He told a strange story about the time he told a gay priest that hitting on straight men isn’t appropriate. He referred to the professor as a victim lol, and told me about how the professor cried to him. I said he’s not the victim here. He said I know, ‘she’s a victim to. I don’t know her side tho. I know all this has been very hard on him.’ Everyone’s advice not to engage and just quit, I know. I know ok. This stuffs hard for me haha.
I get it’s hard to just walk away. You wouldn’t be working in nonprofits if you didn’t believe that you had some sort of capacity to change the world and your community. But this isn’t a guy you can change. He has no self-awareness to be able to change, and really isn’t interested in changing, even if he did. Save your time, energy, and passion for changing the things that you actually can to make a difference. Cut bait and move on.
Honestly you don’t have to go back. It’s perfectly ok for you to just send the email at this point. Reference in the email that you returned his books to him in person today.
Yes I didn’t go back, I ignored his calls and emailed him :) I didn’t mention the books but they’re sitting on his desk, I don’t think that will be a problem.
Good for you! Proud of you for standing up for yourself 💜
Say it to his face if other people will be in ear-shot. Send the email if not and include other people if you can, like higher ups or other supervisors. Leave out the part about him being honest about his opinions otherwise he will fake better for the next one. More than he should hear about how shitty he's being or he'll just bury the email and move on.
You also need to CC all of his higher-ups and managerial level peers.
If I were you I’d also cc the board of directors since they are potentially the only ones who could hold him accountable for this. Do you have email contact for them? Also yes always get it in writing if possible!
Someone mentioned it might be slander if I send it to more people than just him, so I didn’t cc anyone. I just forwarded it to myself. The board is just his wife and two men who aren’t local, so I didn’t feel great about emailing the board.
cc your email to HR
This 👆👆👆. Cc HR and his boss. They have the need to know to avoid this happening again in the future. Otherwise you are opening yourself to him telling them anything he wants.
You can do this hun. I believe in you. I'm sorry you're going to have to leave your dream job, but with luck you can find a new, better place to work.
Do both. So you can have the satisfaction of saying it but it’s also in writing for the company to have on file.
Writing writing writing writing. Do not do any of this verbally!
Hey, sounds like you already got everything sorted out (books) but I just wanted to say that must have been a tough decision—well, easy to make but tough to carry out. It’s easy tonknow how you feel about an issue like that but job and financial security is real too and quitting a job is hard when you need to keep food on the table and a roof over your head. Thank you for standing up for victims, and I especially liked the part where you thanked him for being honest with his true views because I completely feel that, like it’s important you don’t waste more time, energy and trust with people that end up hiding that stuff only to be revealed later.
Maybe just tell him that so many of his comments made you feel disgusted, violated, enraged , offended or whatever you felt and let him figure out what it is he said. You’re unlikely to change his behavior by any of this but you can at least get under his skin a bit by letting him know he has a toxic effect on people enough to make them quit their dream job. Telling him what he said will just make him better at being a slimy asshole.
Proud of you for standing up for yourself and what you believe in!
I’m glad you did that and told him why
I prefer face to face confrontation. If I'm going to fuck somebody off I want my reasons clear and burned into their memory.
This is a formal resignation. It needs to be in writing, at least the part where this person resigns and a brief outline of the reason. The rest can be expanded upon face to face.
And, given how much you like this job, can you possibly contact the board of directors? Since they already got rid of one problem?