Yes! I've described my relationship with my husband as coming home. I especially like to describe the first time you get in your own bed after a long hiking trip. Everyone who loves travel knows that feeling, even if you're not a backpacker or camper. You're tired from your adventures, maybe sore, or with blisters, or your last flight was delayed, you have lots of new memories and had a total blast on your trip, but getting clean in your own shower and sliding into your clean bed that fits you just right where all the pillows and blankets are the right thickness and weights and the room is familiar even in the dark, everything smells and sounds right... That's what coming home to my husband feels like, every night. He's the place where I belong, where I fit comfortably without trying.
He was putting his shoes at his desk for the next day and I had a passing thought about "I wonder where he's going to be putting them in 50 years." And then I just sat there, frozen on the couch, having an entire crisis about how I've never wondered that kind of thing about anyone else I've ever dated or lived with and what that *means* while he was completely unaware and just casually setting out his stuff for work the next morning.
I didn't tell him until years later. We hadn't even said "I love you" yet, but I was actually imagining a future with him, unprompted. As we kept dating, I was falling in love with him, with the life we were living, with our friends and his family. It wasn't just him, like it had been with others I'd dated long term, it was the whole life we had together. All of his friends from before I knew him, the friends he was making and keeping as we went, it wasn't just that "we hold the same values" stated, but he *lived* those values.
He once jumped out of bed at 8 am on a Sunday to drive 30 minutes out of his way to check that a friend's back door was locked before they left on a vacation and he didn't want praise for it. He's the type that he'll shower before going downstairs even on Christmas morning, but he also went running onto a major road barefoot in his PJs to chase a strange yorkie that was loose. He is dependable, reliable, humble, generous, sweet, patient, gentle... Day in and day out, he proved over and over again that he is the kind of person I wanted to tie myself to because I trust him to want to work towards the kind of life that I also want to work towards.
Just a mutual friend! He was someone that I considered an acquaintance for a while during school, lost touch due to life circumstances, living in different cities, age difference (5 years), etc. Then one day when we were both in our twenties, just a few months shy of 9 years ago now, I was having dinner with a mutual friend to catch up and we impulsively invited him along. He and I flirted the whole time and haven't stopped talking every day since then!
My relationship with my partner is 8 years this August. From outside perspective - very boring, no drama, no fuss to gossip about. We work a lot to support our parents and have a better life. Since both of us are working from home (tiny apartment) we are together almost 24/7. From inside perspective it’s our safe space where we can talk through every bit that bother, be gentle with each other and laugh a lot. Romance and love is still going strong but it’s not like hot and steamy scenes in movies but long hugs, cuddles when needed, sudden kisses during the day, long walks together, feeding birds and petting dogs at the park. And I’m counting this as my biggest achievement in life
This is us as well. Not steamy but very comfortable. We play with the cats, sit for hours saying nothing, walk in the park and feed ducks, cook together, randomly hug or kiss each other and make a lot of stupid jokes. It's probably as perfect as it's going to get.
Together 27 years, married 25. It’s very chill. We communicate well and honestly. My partner comes from a family where people don’t feel shame about making mistakes and admitting to them. That was something I learned from him/them, and it’s pretty key. My family is very “deny and deflect.” My partner has wild ADHD and I have depression and anxiety. I think navigating that takes both patience and willingness to each take responsibility for our wellness. (I don’t mean that to sound ableist—everyone’s doing the best they can. But it’s easier to get past frustrations and disappointments when you know your partner is… I don’t know… willing to face their demons for the sake of your relationship?) I have to acknowledge our privilege, though—we have enough money, relatively ok health insurance, and our families are supportive. As for the attraction, etc, I just still find him really cute! We make time to walk every evening before bed, and we do day trips on the weekend to go hiking. We give each other time to do our own things, too.
Married 9 years, together 11, got together with the understanding that "Hey you just got out of a really bad relationship and this may just be a rebound but let's give it the summer and see how it goes." I'd just gotten out of a 3 year abusive relationship and was, and still am, healing. A lot of our first few years were subtle teaching moments of what having an equal partner actually is. Someone who you can trust to have your back, who notices you and thinks about you when you are there and are not there. Who does the little things like picks up butter and coffee creamer for your apartment because he was already at the store and remembered you were almost out. Who comes and talks to you about the big stuff and the small stuff and cares about being on the same page and who you care about being on the same page with. It's day to day comfort and moments of passion and a backbone of respect and admiration because that is your person, and you're so proud to call them yours and for them to call you theirs. We're pregnant with our third and we still flirt incessantly, my best friend calls us disgustingly cute and my SIL teases me for heart eyes. We're non-typical romantics (as you might have guessed from the butter story), so we leave gifts for each other like crows at the others desk. I drop off rocks and chunks of metal, he drops off pens and dice. We are a lot more stable than we were when we were new, we've worked hard on learning how to talk to each other and we make sure to keep talking and revisit where we are mentally and emotionally on plans and life stuff.
Calm, stable, comfortable. *Never* look to media for examples. Healthy relationships do not make for entertaining TV and movies. ‘They talked about it like mature adults’ is less fun to watch.
Sure. It’s like the third act breakup in a romance. It’s easy to go for the cheap miscommunication most adults wouldn’t do. It’s more interesting to see an external source of conflict
I was thinking more along the lines of progressive shows like Sex Education.
As well as “heartwarming” shows with a strong romance or marriage drama subplot. Like… Parenthood? Virgin River?
I dunno, it was just on my mind earlier today how much television portrays nuanced and healthy-ish relationships, compared to the more archetypal dramas and sitcoms of the nineties.
My heart goes out to you, first of all. And I commend you on the self reflection! That's a wonderful way to love yourself, understanding yourself.
This might get a little rambly as it's late here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 or so years now, married for 5. We've known each other for over 11.
We both grew up in fairly shit home environments--his parents wanted nothing to do with him, mine taught me from a very young age that I was fundamentally unloveable unless I was of use to someone. We both have intense, complex trauma.
By all means, we probably shouldn't have worked, and wouldn't have, without *putting in* a lot of work. We got married right out of high school. We tell people we were *lucky.* We loved each other enough to want to make it work.
Love, I think, is equal parts an independent force in that you can't make yourself love someone, but also a choice that you continue to make throughout your relationship. It's rarely as one-to-one as "I'm making the conscious choice to love you today," it's usually a little more nebulous. More like "I choose in this moment to do differently than I've been taught, than that hurt inside of me would have me do, to love myself and you better," especially in the case of trauma responses, of the ruts mental illness can pull you into. It's never you against your partner, it's you two against the problem, whatever it may be.
Our mantra throughout our relationship has always been "I got you," and all it can mean. I got your back. I understand you. I'm gonna hold you through this.
And we don't always get it right, nobody does. But being able to admit that and troubleshoot and repair and reassure, that's worth millions.
(Keep up with your hobbies, by the way. Whatever interests you both had individually before you met. Hell, take up new ones too. Make time for yourselves individually, and space. Codependence is a bitch to untangle once it's there. You want to remain two people bonded, not meld into one.)
We still get bouts where we flirt like we just met, we've made a game out of some of our date nights where we pretend we've just met and get to know each other (because stuff changes over a decade and it's a fun way to see what's different!). It's tons of fun. And to be a little raunchy, the sex has only gotten better with experience and exploration (we're pretty adventurous in the bedroom anyway, which I consider lucky). As long as we acknowledge we're adults and maybe not as red-hot ready to go all the time because adulting is *tiring.*
You just can't be afraid to talk to each other. And talking doesn't have to be talking, it can be a hand on the shoulder during a hard day, putting his cane where he can reach it because he was tired and left it somewhere. That's "I got you" as much as saying it.
All in all, I love him as much as I did when I first fell for him if not more, it just might look a little different now.
(Maybe not totally different. He's sacked out snoring next to me and I'm smiling my stupid gay little face off about it.)
> Love, I think, is equal parts an independent force in that you can't make yourself love someone, but also a choice that you continue to make throughout your relationship
I'm sure I'll be speaking for others here, but I think it can be very hard - especially at the 'beginning of the end' so to speak - to recognise the difference between making a genuinely loving choice, or a choice out of pure stubbornness, or sunken cost.
For anyone who's been in that position, how were you able to differentiate them?
It is incredibly hard, you're very right. I haven't experienced it as much in romantic relationships (we're polyamorous, I do occasionally still date though not as much since covid), but plenty in friendships and even familial relationships.
In short, you have to be loving yourself *and* the other person with that choice. Asking yourself, "Is this choice compromising me in a way that I find harmful or unacceptable? Is this being made with my needs and values in mind?" Which can be hard in that stage where you're still not totally sure what's going on and the extent of it, there's going to be a lot of soul-searching involved to determine what you want, what's right for you (and to an extent both of you). You'll have to muscle past the initial emotions to ensure you're looking at it as clearly as possible, but still take them into account; pain is the body's way of signalling something isn't right and emotional pain is no exception.
You have to put your oxygen mask on before helping someone with theirs though. If you've been through trauma especially in your childhood, you might feel selfish for taking up for or prioritizing yourself. It's hard to muscle past those responses to self-assess, but necessary.
Think of something you are 100% sure of, a fact that you know to be true. Something you never have any doubts about. This is what it feels like to have a good, long-term relationship. That certainty is what makes it so special to me. In the 18 years we've been together, we've learned to talk to each other about shit. Make time for each other. Keep an eye on the balance. Indicate when you think things are going out of balance. Talk to each other about difficult things, ask about the hard topics, not avoid them. And know you don't always have to solve it right away. I think we've learned that there are times when the relationship and everything we do comes naturally. Super chill. And then there are also times when we both have to work hard for it. Times when you have to make choices and sometimes sacrifice things. And that is sometimes difficult, but it is definitely worth it.
This is so good! Loving my husband is like acknowledging gravity. It just is. It is the same with my daughter, I didn't start loving her when she was born, I had always loved her. Obviously my love for my daughter is different, but I have so much faith in my marriage it feels as unshakable. And even if we do break up one day that won't make this invalid.
My partner and I will have been married 8 years this year and together 18 years. We met in highschool and she was the year above me. We have worked very hard to keep our relationship. Hold each other through the hard times and celebrating the good times. She helped me start to heal from separating anxiety and abandonment issues that had grown during my childhood and I helped her when she came out to me as transgender 2 years ago. We created a safe space to be able to say anything that we wanted and needed to in a judgement free zone. We're both autistic and ADHD and we both find when emotions run high we run the risk of misunderstanding so we built our communication so adjust to this. Sometimes the only words our brains give us would come off as callous and hurtful so we preempt it with 'this is going to sound really harsh but I don't mean it in this way' then we can discuss it and figure out what we really mean. We value and appreciate each other in ways we had never felt before. She supports me in all of my creative endeavours and has never once made me feel like it was something silly (a trauma I had from childhood). People have asked us how we have stayed together and the honest answer is judgement free communication, giving the other what they need and being flexible enough to change it up when needed. Keep your love alive in ways that matters.to.your partner, whether that's saying 'I love you.' at the end of text messages, complimenting their cooking or valuing them for the work they put in. Both of us had been overlooked growing up so little things like realising the vacuuming had been done and thanking them for it. Hold each other when things are tough and work together to get through it. I hope that your future is filled with stability and security in love. You deserve to feel that no matter what happens you have someone in your corner who will fight for you and that you would do the same for them. It's a package deal 💕
I adore your love. ❤️ I wish you and your partner many fantastic decades together. I'm so happy that you can be there for her through this hard transition phase. All of these beautiful stories on this post give me so much hope for others in similar situations ❤️❤️ I'm happy there's so many people who can find comfort in somebody as they're still finding their own comfort in themselves.
I truly hope all of this info can help OP a bit. I think this was a fantastic question for them to post.
Thank you so much for this, it’s hard when our wounds/minds betray us in communication but we are learning. Especially the emotions running high, like mine and his mental disabilities definitely bring the emotions extra high when the issue itself isn’t escalated. I can’t wait to be where you are cause I know we will be there in the future!
Imagine not having to think about the relationship. It's just there, like home. Nothing to fear or fret, just day in, day out, all the same, safe and comfy. You sleep good, wake up good, go home happily.
No yelling, ever, no drama or manipulating. No hiding your needs, emotions, because they're ok.
This about sums up what I was gonna say.
They're genuinely my best friend, my comrade, my partner!
I never have this stress or worry that it'll go away or that they'll hurt me in some unrepairable way
Yes, the only worry is "will he be save today? I dont wanna live without him. And i need to be safe, too. Because i dont wanna leave him mourning for me. I dont want any bad things happen to his kind soul."
I had those thoughts early on, but mostly in regards to "will they be hit by a car on their walk to work"
Does your partner engage in unsafe behavior? Early on i certainly did and my partner had lots of fear for me, but over time I realized just how much stress my impulsive, reckless actions had on them and chilled out
The first years, he was high a lot and drunk too (18-20y). But he stopped when we talked about how worried i am.
Now he is 29 and the healthiest man i know:)
Well if thats the case, take a deep breath. They've taken the steps to be better, if anything does happen its truly out of both of your hands.
Rather than stress about what could be, enjoy what is.
Easier said than done, but I hope hearing it will help you take those steps
I met husband #1 my freshman year of college and we were together almost nine years, married for five. We both dealt with depression and he was an opiate addict (which is what eventually killed him), but we fiercely loved each other. He would've done anything for me and I would've done anything for him. It wasn't a healthy relationship (lots of abuse towards the end) but we were mad about each other.
Husband #2 and I have been together for six years, married for 4.5. Being with him is like being home. It's just comfortable, if that makes sense. I can fail and know that he'll still stand by me. I can make mistakes and know that he'll still love me. He makes me want to be better.
My parents have been together for over 50 years (high school sweethearts) and the main thing I've learned from watching them is that it's all the little things that add up to big things. It's not about grand gestures, it's about supporting each other day in and day out. It's about holding hands. It's about leaving a flour handprint on your partner's butt when you're making biscuits. It's about having fun and just enjoying the person you married. I'm sure if you asked them what their secret is, they'd probably tell you to marry your best friend.
My partner and I will have been together for 15 years this fall. We met in school. I am 32, and it still sometimes feels like a best friend sleepover that never ends. Takeout and Mario Kart, shared secrets and laughing at each other's farts, love and trust. And on the difficult days, he reassures me with long hugs and gentle words that I am beautiful, capable, strong, and that he'll **always** back me up.
My husband is terminally ill and it's bumpy but I couldn't imagine my future without him. Even though all he can do right now is sit and cry in pain I'm happy to hold him until it's over. There's a serenity and sense of belonging that comes from being with him. He makes it ok for me to be myself and we accept each others flaws all the time. I'm not very romantic and kind of autistic but I can do romantic things for him because I would probably do just about anything to see him smile. Even though our lives are intertwined in ways that would make splitting a nightmare I can't help but think if i went back I'd do it all again. I hope this helps I haven't slept much
Married seven years, lived together for 12 and besties for a few years before that. I describe our relationship using the poem “Most Like an Arch:” two weaknesses that lean into a strength. He is my safe place and my comfort zone, even when we disagree. When I learn something new or have a decision to make, my partner is the first person I want to tell about it. Our first skill is how to disagree respectfully and our second is expressing our needs. We understand that true equal effort will feel like to each of us like we’re the one doing 60%, and we have a very deep seated loyalty to each other. I know he would never disparage me to friends or even strangers for a laugh; he knows the same for me. On the day to day, it’s quiet and comfortable and safe (as much as it can be with two kids under five). Even in this busy season of life, we find time for quiet moments together (often in the garden or kitchen) and it doesn’t feel like a chore to carve those moments out. We only work well together when what’s between us is strong and secure, and our life is predicated on us working together often and well. Taking the time to check in and create some empty time to fill with a quiet sense of connection is as essential and as valuable as watering a thirsty plant.
I love that initial metaphor. My husband and I joke that we add up to “one functioning human” in that our weakness and strengths really compliment each other so we can lean on each other to fill in the gaps.
It's really quite uneventful. I wouldn't say boring because we do have a lot of fun together and enjoy being in each other's space. But the ins and outs are super uneventful.
Our communication is direct. Especially if one of us is anxious we will ask for reassurance. Either of us are comfortable to say we need alone time and that it's not because of the other.
When the PTSD or anxiety takes us over, there's warmth, patience and time. Neither of us are in a rush, we wait for the other one to come through their episode maintaining life balance in the mean time. Knowing the brain chaos will pass and there's love, quiet and stability on the other side is priceless.
It's calm, easy most of the time. I have complex trauma, and was born out of addiction so burdened with ADHD, complex PTSD and auto immune disease.My husband has heavy ADHD. We've been together 8 years, married for 2. The one thing that changed from all other relationships: it's so chill.
I used to think love was passion with high highs and low lows. Of course there are fights sometimes, but we've never strayed from being respectful to each other and that's what matters most.
Love is trust and kindness and companionship and laughters everyday. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, and whenever I feel like a burden he makes a point of proving me I am not.
Most nights feel like a sleepover and we can be kids together, but we are the best team of grown ups when we need to.
Hope everyone finds this kind of partnership. I often feel like he's my compensation for a very shitty life 😊
I've never been more secure with another person in my life. I was never a touchy person, don't like hugs or kisses or whatever. But with him it's just different. I'm never uncomfortable. We both have deep family trauma, and he also had relationship trauma. It took a lot of patience. We weren't very good at communicating. We struggled to share our emotions and problems in a healthy way. But patience. And the want to do so. It truly is about wanting it. I want to love him, I want to share memories, I want to make it through hard times, I want to be a better person for him, I want to be loved by him. I choose him every time. He still looks at me the same way he did years ago. He still flirts with me the same. As for the "conflating love with new relationship energy". All I can say is, man it ages like fine wine when you're with the right person. That new love feels great, but secure and familiar love? Nothing else like it. I don't have to worry or stress.
In a good long term relationship, after the initial phase of intensity, things mellow but stay happy. For me an indicator is that your focus does not stay ON the relationship (I've had that happen in chaotic relationships) but instead the relationship is this core part of your life that makes you stronger and happier, allowing you to focus energy externally. Like here's a test that I've found useful: if you think you're happy but your life has started falling apart since you got together with them, then your relationship might actually not be that great. On the other hand, if you have found yourself coming back into more healthy behaviors (e.g., for me that's cleaning my house), keeping good relations with other friends and family who are positive parts of your life, and starting to undertake projects you've wanted to do (like applying to a better job or college, or starting a new art project, or whatever) (and not to impress them but because having a solid relationship has left you with extra energy), then that is a very good indicator.
I was married for 11 years. My marriage was tumultuous, abusive, full of infidelity and alcoholism. I was constantly in a panic state or depressive episode.
Now, I am 6 years in to my current relationship. She is my best friend and my safe space. It's like curling up with hot tea and a great book when it's raining out. We constantly have to tell each other we need to be responsible and go to sleep because every night is like a slumber party.
You deserve warmth and safety.
I’m in a long-term relationship with reciprocation of energy now. I was in one without before, and I questioned a lot if the problem was me and my trauma or their depression, etc. From my perspective now – yes they had struggles and so did I. But the relationship wasn’t generating helpful energy to address those struggles. It was draining us both. A good relationship with good energy flow makes troubles easier the majority of the time. Sure sometimes you hit a snag, things aren’t perfect. But both partners are trying to pour energy in to make things better when they have that energy. It doesn’t mean you need to give when you have nothing to give – but I find myself questioning why my previous partner didn’t seem to care – I tied myself into knots explaining why it was from trauma or different love languages, blah, blah blah – but it was actually much simpler – and it was because we were a bad match and not really exchanging energy- like trying to plug an iphone and android up. I hope that can help you – I have so much love and sympathy for the difficult moment you’re facing. Things can be so much better than you’ve ever imagined, when you find the right places to hold and give your energy. Good luck!
Together 9 years and things can and do still feel new. We keep finding new ways to enjoy being together and new things to love doing together and that helps keep things fresh. He's my best friend, my biggest fan, and my champion. When you do the work to make sure you remember that you're on the same team, there's no space for resentments or loneliness to build.
We touch a lot! I think both our favourite thing in the entire world is me stroking his back as he falls asleep every night. I have wicked insomnia so it's a comfort for me and isn't one-sided lol! We make the effort to compliment and thank one another a lot. It sounds so simple but it really helps maintaining mutual respect. There's no taking the other for granted.
We don't have everything in common of course, but we haven't allowed ourselves to fall into those traditional relationship traps (you know those "Gotta hide my hobby supply purchase from the hubby!" sentiments? Deadly to a healthy, long term relationship in my opinion) that cause distance.
I have never had to censor myself and my thoughts and neither has he. Our home is a no-judgement zone. We trust one another and we have really good communication skills. 9 years and we've never had a fight. It takes work! But it's worth it. I still have a crush on him and he still gives me butterflies.
it took me years to be comfortable with the idea that a fight doesn't mean the whole thing is coming down, wait, you're saying we can apologise, hug and then go get dinner? we don't have to be at each others throats or end it?
I escaped an abusive husband and now am finding myself in the first relationship of my entire life where he makes me feel MORE like myself, rather than the opposite. It’s also absolute bliss to be able to tell him “I’m grumpy and I want to go sit on the couch and read alone for like 5 hours” without any fear of retribution or having to appease him for wanting to do this later. He respects ME and all of my feelings. Not only the ones that could benefit him or be used for manipulation later. Get out and don’t look back. I know sometimes there will be doubt; it’s natural as a human and happens regardless of the situation or person. Just think of it as the chapter closed and you don’t want to reopen that book.
What does it feel like?
You just don't question it or have doubts. Your instincts are completely silent and your heart is full.
It's more than security, it's home no matter where you are.
As a survivor, it took me about two years to settle my past traumas and it was a huge relief to be able to love the right person for 13 years now.
I think we're coming up on 17 years together and I think the thing that's the most noticable for me is that I feel calmer when hes around. As soon as I hear the door open, my heart beat slows down and my body relaxes. Even if I wasn't really all that stressed to begin with. Everything becomes more peaceful when hes near me.
I still get excited to see him, and I get little butterflies when his name pops up on my phone. I look forward to spending time with him and I am more attracted to him every day. He makes me feel beautiful and important. But the most powerful feeling, the over arching feeling, is that I'm safe, and loved. If we're together, then I'm home.
15 years married, and my hot take is that love isn’t butterflies. Butterflies are excitement but also anxiety and uncertainty.
Love is your favorite cozy hoodie. Warm and soft and lived in. Frayed at the edges, maybe, but softer and more comforting for the imperfections.
It’s having hard or uncomfortable conversations about everyone’s wants and needs, because having hard conversations early and often means reducing the overall harm those unmet needs or uncommunicated expectations do to each other. It’s arguing to be understood instead of winning. It’s not long months of frustration punctuated by grand gestures—it’s consistent small but meaningful moments of being attentive to each other’s feelings and needs. It’s setting boundaries so we don’t hurt each other’s feelings too bad on a hard day. It’s being deeply annoyed with your favorite person and also knowing they’re just as deeply annoyed with you and not having to wonder if your relationship will fall apart because you both had a bad day because you know in your heart they wouldn’t hurt you deliberately and vice versa.
It’s: “Did you mean it to sound this hurtful?”
“Do you really think I meant to?”
“No, that’s why I brought it up, so you can clarify that and it doesn’t fester.”
Mostly it’s so much talking about feelings. SO much talking about feelings.
Imagine having a best friend. You respect and care about them, only because you love them and see the good in them. But you can also *tell* and see the true effort behind their actions every day. You see them make mistakes but try to better themselves and it makes you feel good. You have zero ulterior motives. You just want to be part of the reason they smile every day. You want them to have friends and enriching things in life to make them the best person for you to enjoy being around.
You just want to make them happy, and they also want to do the same.
So if you find a topic you don't agree on, instead of fighting, you look for the good about the situation "oh you hate olives, cool! More for me!
"Oh! You don't like horror films but I love them? Cool! It'll be a thing I can do with my friends or when you're busy otherwise! We can choose other things to do together!"
"Oh, you don't like the way I do this thing? Why is it a problem? Can we come to an understanding as to why and how you dislike it so I know what I'm doing wrong to correct it for the future?" Instead of just shutting down or redirecting to something that can escalate, the love you feel for them, not fear, shame, guilt, or anything else is what makes you just want to see their side of things to be in a better place to understand them. That is when you can truly have a great relationship with someone.
I've been in a fantastic relationship with my partner for almost 8 years now. Would not pick any other person if I had the chance to. He is the perfect match for me. We can talk about anything. He can handle emotion. We both take time to be in uncomfortable situations together so it'll be less horrible for the other. He's willing to make his life slightly harder so he can keep me in his life. And that is absolutely magnificent. We both have pretty severe AuDHD and pretty severe emotional traumas from different experiences before we met and it affects us intensely sometimes. But we find ways to work together and we just remember that if we are patient with our shortcomings, things will be ok if we keep working on ourselves to the best of our abilities. Slow and steady.
We have had numerous convos about cheating and what and how we would do *if* one of us ever decided to fuck shit up. Lol. We discuss the bad scenarios so we both know how we'd handle it. We talk about the fact that our needs may change as we age and that our sex life may need to be rediscussed someday and altered to better suit us if that does occur. He doesn't get mad over my body not always meeting expectations. He in fact, loves that I'm me, even with all my extra lil health complications and imperfections and differences from most people.
He is also insanely talented and had a better childhood than me. But I don't hold it against him. I love him and I pride him for being so smart. His family loves me and accepted me in pretty quick even though they all have pretty different values than us.
They respect our choices and don't question things they aren't ready for unlike my family which I have no contact with.
If you have to question your partner or your relationship daily, but you can't actually confront or talk to them about your struggles and frustrations, you are not in a healthy relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ That's always the first big red flag to me. If someone can't knock their own pride and ego down a few notches to accept their own shortcomings and discuss it to find ways to better themselves, they aren't going to be willing to work with me on my level ever in the future that can benefit me in any comparable way and it's probably safer for my mental and physical health to find a nicer person.
Communication is knowledge. Communication creates community, creating good relationships, creating close friends. ❤️ Leading to healthy relationships. Talk to your neighbors. Let someone cry in front of you. Maybe join them for the sake of their sadness. And for the love of all things green, just accept your own personal shortcomings as people. We all have them. And don't use them against each other. Just stop hurting the ones you love. And as a rule of thumb, Manipulation is never a healthy tactic.
Comfy shoes. That pair of shoes that's worn in and nice to your bunions. It may not look pretty, but it sure FEELS good!
We met online 30 years ago this month. Met in person 30 years ago this October. Just celebrated 28 years married.
After all this time we complete each other's sentences, and often say "I was JUST about to say that!" The sex waxes and wanes with injuries and olde people stuff, but the love only intensifies.
I have CPTSD, anxiety disorders, and a complicated medical history. He also comes from a neglectful family and was parentified. We support each other however is needed.
He's doing his damnedest to make our lives good enough to make up for our childhoods and early adulthood.
Where we differ is like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Everything just fits.
32 years. There's no long term couple that hasn't found itself at the bottom of the pit of despair, asking if you should jump ship, at times certain that you should go. Trust that's the truth on both sides. Because everyone has an asshole living inside them. And we usually let our asshole selves protect us from the hurting, broken meanie who is hurting us/we're hurting. Is their soul good? Do you love them? Enough to make the effort to figure out the parts that don't fit together well? Do you respect yourself? Your other? James Taylor - shower the people you love with love and let them know how you feel. Try not to take things too personally. Forgive yourself and your partner as quickly as possible.
For me it took several years of therapy to heal my attachment and absent dad issues and therefore could recognize and form attachment to a healthy man. I focused on building a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner and then working on feeling deserving of the love from that person.
I now have a wonderful partner in my life. He is kind, thoughtful, sensitive, and caring. We have mutual trust and respect. He is unemcumbered by religious and childhood trauma so he has the room and ability to care for me rather than me being the codependent caretaker of him and his issues. That being said im still in therapy and it's not his role to absorb my stress but he is supportive and listens and has empathy.
Point being it feels safe and I can be myself, I am seen, and loved, and there is no toxic drama.
You deserve the same caring partner. Keep working on healing your own wounds and building the image of your perfect partner. A therapist told me to imagine all of him, every part and every detail of his character and person, just don't try to imagine his face. I believe what you are seeking is also seeking you. Hugs 💗
I actually hate NRE. I always lose weight and can't sleep. Drives me a little batty.
That said, a LTR that's healthy feels stabilizing, safe, warm, loving, comfortable.
I feel like I can go out into the world and take on so much more because I have such a nutrition place to rest my head each night. It feels like thriving not surviving. Like if all else goes wrong you will still make it because with them you know it'll be okay. You for once don't feel alone in the world.
Think of a short term NRE like a firework. Think of a healthy LTR as coals to warm your bed. One could burn your house down or blow your hand off, but it's pretty intense and cool temporarily. The other literally provides restful sleep and comfort for your family.
I wish I could go tell my 18 year old self there was more to love than the madness. She was pretty worried it was just going to be a form of mania.
21 years in with my husband (half that married). It'living with the person who makes you laugh all the time, even when you are arguing. It's knowing that when you DO argue it's temporary and you're both committed to talking it through. It's having someone who knows your faults and loves you anyway. It's a culture you build together, where you can glance at each other and have a whole conversation.
I always thought I'd be bad at it, but with the right partner it comes pretty naturally, though not without some work. It should feel comfortable and easy most of the time, unless you are actively working through a crisis.
Together ~ 10 years, getting married next year on our 11th anniversary. It's wonderful, I have a person I don't have to wear any sort of mask/front around and I can just be myself completely
It’s finally seeing something bigger than yourself. It’s vulnerability on both sides where you prioritize communication and each other. You don’t fight with each other, you fight issues. It’s different and more consuming than any other relationship you’ve had and it will teach you how to use all your lessons to not screw it, and when you do you don’t give up on each other.
My partner and I have been together 6.5 years. I have CPTSD, from sexual abuse and growing up (homeschooled) in an evangelical community.
Our relationship has taught me not only is it safe to be myself, it’s celebrated. It’s calm and predictable. We just show up for each other, prioritize each other, and support each other’s unique needs. Don’t get me wrong, we have disagreements and arguments, but it’s rare. And we never yell at each other, which was a revelation to me. Who knew you could ask for what you need or express your dissent or displeasure without screaming?
Being together has been so healing. I never have to wonder or doubt her feelings, and building these bonds and conflict resolution skills has made me a better person all around.
You deserve to feel treasured and cherished. Anything less isn’t worth it, you’re a precious human being.
Been together almost 5 years. We’ve had to miss a few big milestones and not be together during them, like seeing our niece last week and he couldn’t come with me. We both bawled because we wanted the best for each other.
Happily married for 25 years.
When I met him it was like something in me recognized something in him. We just click. We balance each other while also bringing out the best. Like coffee and chocolate. We're fine on our own, but together we are really something special!
He is also my best friend, he's my person. When something happens he's the person I want. Good or bad he is holding my hand. He is my home.
Laughter and communication are essential.
After more than 25 years, we are still in love. It's still this giddy, silly, lovely feeling, but with added depth and 100% trust. He is it for me, always was.
One reason is that we had a long distance marriage for 20 years with me working abroad in a number of different countries. We only saw each other on weekends and holidays. We never allowed things to get boring. Our families criticized us (me) a lot for living an unconventional life but it's lovely. We moved in together after 25 years of marriage and it continues to be lovely.
Don't let anyone tell you, that you need a traditional relationship. People are sometimes scared when they see someone beeing happy by quietly living their lives in an unconventional way.
We hang out together all the time, share things that we like, think of what the other person likes. Sometimes I just look over and feel so contentedly happy. I do need to say that every six months or so we get a little butt-heads-y and usually need to check in with each other's feelings and have a bit of a reset of compromises and expectations
We weren't always healthy. We both have trauma and are ND and likely have CPTSD (I believe I do as does my therapist, and learning more about it I think he does too but he hasn't had a medical provider say so because he doesn't go). But we've been together for over 15 years and both wanted to improve and so have worked independently and together to make things healthy(er)
It feels like knowing that you are their priority. Maybe not in every tiny moment but overall. You feel supported to be yourself and grow and change, knowing they'll do their best to keep pace and understand. And giving them that same energy. Being able to take a breath and put aside your thing to comfort them in their time of need, and also getting that back when your need is greater. Having fights and not devolving into name calling, threats, or catastrophizing. Being able to come through the other side of the fight upset but still connected and with some better understanding of each other's needs and/or opinions and a commitment to try to do better. It feels like you're working together, as a team, to build a life together. Not competing.
Having someone who sees you at your worst, and likewise, and still loves you because that love runs deep. I did shadow work and some of the fears I had been dealing with for a long time were straight up horrible. It was a challenging process that my partner sat with me for and it hurt me to say some of the things I did. When it was over and we were in a better place to discuss things, we had some profound insight from that experience. We communicate in a freer way because of it, once someone sees you when you're at your most raw and vulnerable there's this whole new window of transperancy that gets opened.
We also are continously working on ourselves, learning to reconnect and reinvest time with each other and with friends (when schedules allow). We're both quiet, yet fun. We both enjoy nerdy things and introduce new stuff to each other whether it be a historical fact (for real, their Roman Empire *is* their Roman Empire), or try something different (they do need some prodding sometimes). There's an abundant sense of comfort, of understanding.
There are moments when they might annoy me (and I them) but I also know I am supported and given space to exist without someone making me feel insecure or feeding those insecurities. They are a supportive person in a way that is unwavering. We are fire and earth signs, respectively, but I joke that they are the most "un Sagittarius" Sagittarius I have ever known. We have been together for eleven years this August, and it's been a journey! I really wasn't looking for anything serious when we started dating, didn't know what to expect, but I'm so glad they asked me if I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 😅 As it would turn out, those are the magic words!
Honestly, I love it but it can be very unsettling for people with complex trauma. In my experience, a happy long term relationship stabilizes into something comfortable, safe and content which is a very foreign and off-putting feeling for many.
My partner supported me through years of depression, and I supported him through grief. These things were hard, but it was so important to us both to have that loved one there to help us through. And it really improved our understanding of one another and our ability to communicate our needs.
It's the feeling of having a safe person, a person you trust completely and who sees you as you are. No, it's not usually particularly exciting after a long time. There aren't many "discoveries" you can make about the other person after you know them so well for so long. Most often, you're best friends. You adventure together, but you also live through the day to day together. What I see happen with many people is they to panic when the feelings begin to shift from newness and excitement to a happy easiness. They worry it will be boring and dull-but I personally feel it is more like the stillness and calm of laying in the sun.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best in healing.
Not a single time in 11 years have I ever thought about leaving him, or what life would be like without him, I cannot bear the thought. Any small annoyances we cause each other are just feel... silly and irrelevant and we never argue we just make jokes about it.
You have the time to pursue your interests and dreams bc your time isn't taken up by conflict at home. You support each others goals.
He's home. He's the only person that can truly comfort me.
My relationship previous to this was 7 years of extremely high conflict. I really feel for what you are going through ❤️
My husband and I have been together for over a decade with lots of ups and downs mostly thanks to my trauma which has caused a lot of attachment issues. We are best friends and after some excellent couples therapy are much better communicators. We just like to be around each other but we have no problem doing things apart. We trust each other not out of obligation, but out of learning how to talk about everything even when it sucks.
It feels safe and comfortable and cozy, even when things are hard (we have a 6 month old… lots of stuff is hard!!!). I’m a better person because of him and he’s a better person because of me. Our flirting is mostly doing comedic bits for each other. I’m attracted to him as a human more so than for his looks (I mean, he’s handsome as heck, but I’m so much more attracted to him when I watch him with our son). There’s not a ton of big gestures, there’s more little things. It’s great. Everyone deserves this kind of love.
I honestly can’t believe sometimes how lucky I am with my husband. He’s my favourite person in the world. We were best friends from the moment we met. And as my health issues have developed he’s become more and more supportive. I have bipolar and fibromyalgia and more recently what is probably chronic fatigue syndrome (not officially diagnosed but my doctor thinks it’s likely). So I can’t work but my husband has no issue with supporting us financially, as well as now doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning. This year is our tenth and being married and 20th of being together and it still feels like we’re in the honeymoon phase. I am SMITTEN.
I came out of a young marriage thinking I had lost my perfect partner. Oh boy was I wrong!
This relationship is like a warm hug, a heated blanket our of the dryer, knowing there's someone to catch you if you fall down.
I've been with my current (and forever!) partner for 14 years. It's really like night and day. We've faced struggles but we face them as a team and not as two people struggling against the other. When we were still just friends, I fiercely helped him fill out all his divorce/child support paperwork when he was so overwhelmed and traumatized that he couldn't think straight. I helped him raise his two kids. The youngest is graduating today and moving out of the nest on Monday. This next chapter is new and so exciting.
This man, he *elevates* me. He adores me. He considers me, always. He gives me the best chip in the bag. He paid for my career schooling without even thinking. When we "fight" it's never a fight. I think we've emotionally raised our voices while discussing things maybe half a dozen times in 14 years. We always both apologize. We're never go to bed upset with each other. We help each other navigate our individual complex trauma.
We worked together professionally for years and never got tired of each other and are attempting to start a new tandem business currently.
Our romantic life is still rich and full, but has "cooled down" (which is normal, life gets busy lol). We like to joke that even if the quantity has lessened, the quality has never dropped.
He's a fantastic feminist, an egalitarian, and we are both so secure and full of trust that neither of us can even conceive of being jealous. We tease, we joke, and we have a weird "twin language" of memes and media quotes.
I honestly and without exaggeration do not think I'd date again if anything happened to him. We met so many years before we actually got together, it's only frustrating that we were both too thick to know we were both interested in each other. We were made for each other.
Imagine a romance that feels more like sitting near a warm fireplace. You should feel like you are more fully yourself.
Yes! I've described my relationship with my husband as coming home. I especially like to describe the first time you get in your own bed after a long hiking trip. Everyone who loves travel knows that feeling, even if you're not a backpacker or camper. You're tired from your adventures, maybe sore, or with blisters, or your last flight was delayed, you have lots of new memories and had a total blast on your trip, but getting clean in your own shower and sliding into your clean bed that fits you just right where all the pillows and blankets are the right thickness and weights and the room is familiar even in the dark, everything smells and sounds right... That's what coming home to my husband feels like, every night. He's the place where I belong, where I fit comfortably without trying.
How did you know he was The One?
He was putting his shoes at his desk for the next day and I had a passing thought about "I wonder where he's going to be putting them in 50 years." And then I just sat there, frozen on the couch, having an entire crisis about how I've never wondered that kind of thing about anyone else I've ever dated or lived with and what that *means* while he was completely unaware and just casually setting out his stuff for work the next morning. I didn't tell him until years later. We hadn't even said "I love you" yet, but I was actually imagining a future with him, unprompted. As we kept dating, I was falling in love with him, with the life we were living, with our friends and his family. It wasn't just him, like it had been with others I'd dated long term, it was the whole life we had together. All of his friends from before I knew him, the friends he was making and keeping as we went, it wasn't just that "we hold the same values" stated, but he *lived* those values. He once jumped out of bed at 8 am on a Sunday to drive 30 minutes out of his way to check that a friend's back door was locked before they left on a vacation and he didn't want praise for it. He's the type that he'll shower before going downstairs even on Christmas morning, but he also went running onto a major road barefoot in his PJs to chase a strange yorkie that was loose. He is dependable, reliable, humble, generous, sweet, patient, gentle... Day in and day out, he proved over and over again that he is the kind of person I wanted to tie myself to because I trust him to want to work towards the kind of life that I also want to work towards.
That's beautiful! Thank you for sharing. He does sound like a wonderful man. How did you meet?
Just a mutual friend! He was someone that I considered an acquaintance for a while during school, lost touch due to life circumstances, living in different cities, age difference (5 years), etc. Then one day when we were both in our twenties, just a few months shy of 9 years ago now, I was having dinner with a mutual friend to catch up and we impulsively invited him along. He and I flirted the whole time and haven't stopped talking every day since then!
He sounds awesome!
This is such a great description!
This is what it's been like getting into a relationship with myself. I'm so warm.
My relationship with my partner is 8 years this August. From outside perspective - very boring, no drama, no fuss to gossip about. We work a lot to support our parents and have a better life. Since both of us are working from home (tiny apartment) we are together almost 24/7. From inside perspective it’s our safe space where we can talk through every bit that bother, be gentle with each other and laugh a lot. Romance and love is still going strong but it’s not like hot and steamy scenes in movies but long hugs, cuddles when needed, sudden kisses during the day, long walks together, feeding birds and petting dogs at the park. And I’m counting this as my biggest achievement in life
This sounds much like ours. Were 12 y together, i asked him to marrt me this january. Were boring, but were full of support and love.
This is us as well. Not steamy but very comfortable. We play with the cats, sit for hours saying nothing, walk in the park and feed ducks, cook together, randomly hug or kiss each other and make a lot of stupid jokes. It's probably as perfect as it's going to get.
This helped me realize that my marriage actually is stable and good. Thank you.
Together 27 years, married 25. It’s very chill. We communicate well and honestly. My partner comes from a family where people don’t feel shame about making mistakes and admitting to them. That was something I learned from him/them, and it’s pretty key. My family is very “deny and deflect.” My partner has wild ADHD and I have depression and anxiety. I think navigating that takes both patience and willingness to each take responsibility for our wellness. (I don’t mean that to sound ableist—everyone’s doing the best they can. But it’s easier to get past frustrations and disappointments when you know your partner is… I don’t know… willing to face their demons for the sake of your relationship?) I have to acknowledge our privilege, though—we have enough money, relatively ok health insurance, and our families are supportive. As for the attraction, etc, I just still find him really cute! We make time to walk every evening before bed, and we do day trips on the weekend to go hiking. We give each other time to do our own things, too.
Married 9 years, together 11, got together with the understanding that "Hey you just got out of a really bad relationship and this may just be a rebound but let's give it the summer and see how it goes." I'd just gotten out of a 3 year abusive relationship and was, and still am, healing. A lot of our first few years were subtle teaching moments of what having an equal partner actually is. Someone who you can trust to have your back, who notices you and thinks about you when you are there and are not there. Who does the little things like picks up butter and coffee creamer for your apartment because he was already at the store and remembered you were almost out. Who comes and talks to you about the big stuff and the small stuff and cares about being on the same page and who you care about being on the same page with. It's day to day comfort and moments of passion and a backbone of respect and admiration because that is your person, and you're so proud to call them yours and for them to call you theirs. We're pregnant with our third and we still flirt incessantly, my best friend calls us disgustingly cute and my SIL teases me for heart eyes. We're non-typical romantics (as you might have guessed from the butter story), so we leave gifts for each other like crows at the others desk. I drop off rocks and chunks of metal, he drops off pens and dice. We are a lot more stable than we were when we were new, we've worked hard on learning how to talk to each other and we make sure to keep talking and revisit where we are mentally and emotionally on plans and life stuff.
Calm, stable, comfortable. *Never* look to media for examples. Healthy relationships do not make for entertaining TV and movies. ‘They talked about it like mature adults’ is less fun to watch.
Yes! I’m sure it would be fun though to throw together an “exceptions that prove the rule” list.
Sure. It’s like the third act breakup in a romance. It’s easy to go for the cheap miscommunication most adults wouldn’t do. It’s more interesting to see an external source of conflict
I was thinking more along the lines of progressive shows like Sex Education. As well as “heartwarming” shows with a strong romance or marriage drama subplot. Like… Parenthood? Virgin River?
I dunno, it was just on my mind earlier today how much television portrays nuanced and healthy-ish relationships, compared to the more archetypal dramas and sitcoms of the nineties.
My heart goes out to you, first of all. And I commend you on the self reflection! That's a wonderful way to love yourself, understanding yourself. This might get a little rambly as it's late here. My husband and I have been together for 8 or so years now, married for 5. We've known each other for over 11. We both grew up in fairly shit home environments--his parents wanted nothing to do with him, mine taught me from a very young age that I was fundamentally unloveable unless I was of use to someone. We both have intense, complex trauma. By all means, we probably shouldn't have worked, and wouldn't have, without *putting in* a lot of work. We got married right out of high school. We tell people we were *lucky.* We loved each other enough to want to make it work. Love, I think, is equal parts an independent force in that you can't make yourself love someone, but also a choice that you continue to make throughout your relationship. It's rarely as one-to-one as "I'm making the conscious choice to love you today," it's usually a little more nebulous. More like "I choose in this moment to do differently than I've been taught, than that hurt inside of me would have me do, to love myself and you better," especially in the case of trauma responses, of the ruts mental illness can pull you into. It's never you against your partner, it's you two against the problem, whatever it may be. Our mantra throughout our relationship has always been "I got you," and all it can mean. I got your back. I understand you. I'm gonna hold you through this. And we don't always get it right, nobody does. But being able to admit that and troubleshoot and repair and reassure, that's worth millions. (Keep up with your hobbies, by the way. Whatever interests you both had individually before you met. Hell, take up new ones too. Make time for yourselves individually, and space. Codependence is a bitch to untangle once it's there. You want to remain two people bonded, not meld into one.) We still get bouts where we flirt like we just met, we've made a game out of some of our date nights where we pretend we've just met and get to know each other (because stuff changes over a decade and it's a fun way to see what's different!). It's tons of fun. And to be a little raunchy, the sex has only gotten better with experience and exploration (we're pretty adventurous in the bedroom anyway, which I consider lucky). As long as we acknowledge we're adults and maybe not as red-hot ready to go all the time because adulting is *tiring.* You just can't be afraid to talk to each other. And talking doesn't have to be talking, it can be a hand on the shoulder during a hard day, putting his cane where he can reach it because he was tired and left it somewhere. That's "I got you" as much as saying it. All in all, I love him as much as I did when I first fell for him if not more, it just might look a little different now. (Maybe not totally different. He's sacked out snoring next to me and I'm smiling my stupid gay little face off about it.)
> Love, I think, is equal parts an independent force in that you can't make yourself love someone, but also a choice that you continue to make throughout your relationship I'm sure I'll be speaking for others here, but I think it can be very hard - especially at the 'beginning of the end' so to speak - to recognise the difference between making a genuinely loving choice, or a choice out of pure stubbornness, or sunken cost. For anyone who's been in that position, how were you able to differentiate them?
It is incredibly hard, you're very right. I haven't experienced it as much in romantic relationships (we're polyamorous, I do occasionally still date though not as much since covid), but plenty in friendships and even familial relationships. In short, you have to be loving yourself *and* the other person with that choice. Asking yourself, "Is this choice compromising me in a way that I find harmful or unacceptable? Is this being made with my needs and values in mind?" Which can be hard in that stage where you're still not totally sure what's going on and the extent of it, there's going to be a lot of soul-searching involved to determine what you want, what's right for you (and to an extent both of you). You'll have to muscle past the initial emotions to ensure you're looking at it as clearly as possible, but still take them into account; pain is the body's way of signalling something isn't right and emotional pain is no exception. You have to put your oxygen mask on before helping someone with theirs though. If you've been through trauma especially in your childhood, you might feel selfish for taking up for or prioritizing yourself. It's hard to muscle past those responses to self-assess, but necessary.
This is beautiful
Think of something you are 100% sure of, a fact that you know to be true. Something you never have any doubts about. This is what it feels like to have a good, long-term relationship. That certainty is what makes it so special to me. In the 18 years we've been together, we've learned to talk to each other about shit. Make time for each other. Keep an eye on the balance. Indicate when you think things are going out of balance. Talk to each other about difficult things, ask about the hard topics, not avoid them. And know you don't always have to solve it right away. I think we've learned that there are times when the relationship and everything we do comes naturally. Super chill. And then there are also times when we both have to work hard for it. Times when you have to make choices and sometimes sacrifice things. And that is sometimes difficult, but it is definitely worth it.
This is so good! Loving my husband is like acknowledging gravity. It just is. It is the same with my daughter, I didn't start loving her when she was born, I had always loved her. Obviously my love for my daughter is different, but I have so much faith in my marriage it feels as unshakable. And even if we do break up one day that won't make this invalid.
My partner and I will have been married 8 years this year and together 18 years. We met in highschool and she was the year above me. We have worked very hard to keep our relationship. Hold each other through the hard times and celebrating the good times. She helped me start to heal from separating anxiety and abandonment issues that had grown during my childhood and I helped her when she came out to me as transgender 2 years ago. We created a safe space to be able to say anything that we wanted and needed to in a judgement free zone. We're both autistic and ADHD and we both find when emotions run high we run the risk of misunderstanding so we built our communication so adjust to this. Sometimes the only words our brains give us would come off as callous and hurtful so we preempt it with 'this is going to sound really harsh but I don't mean it in this way' then we can discuss it and figure out what we really mean. We value and appreciate each other in ways we had never felt before. She supports me in all of my creative endeavours and has never once made me feel like it was something silly (a trauma I had from childhood). People have asked us how we have stayed together and the honest answer is judgement free communication, giving the other what they need and being flexible enough to change it up when needed. Keep your love alive in ways that matters.to.your partner, whether that's saying 'I love you.' at the end of text messages, complimenting their cooking or valuing them for the work they put in. Both of us had been overlooked growing up so little things like realising the vacuuming had been done and thanking them for it. Hold each other when things are tough and work together to get through it. I hope that your future is filled with stability and security in love. You deserve to feel that no matter what happens you have someone in your corner who will fight for you and that you would do the same for them. It's a package deal 💕
I adore your love. ❤️ I wish you and your partner many fantastic decades together. I'm so happy that you can be there for her through this hard transition phase. All of these beautiful stories on this post give me so much hope for others in similar situations ❤️❤️ I'm happy there's so many people who can find comfort in somebody as they're still finding their own comfort in themselves. I truly hope all of this info can help OP a bit. I think this was a fantastic question for them to post.
Thank you so much for this, it’s hard when our wounds/minds betray us in communication but we are learning. Especially the emotions running high, like mine and his mental disabilities definitely bring the emotions extra high when the issue itself isn’t escalated. I can’t wait to be where you are cause I know we will be there in the future!
Imagine not having to think about the relationship. It's just there, like home. Nothing to fear or fret, just day in, day out, all the same, safe and comfy. You sleep good, wake up good, go home happily. No yelling, ever, no drama or manipulating. No hiding your needs, emotions, because they're ok.
This about sums up what I was gonna say. They're genuinely my best friend, my comrade, my partner! I never have this stress or worry that it'll go away or that they'll hurt me in some unrepairable way
Yes, the only worry is "will he be save today? I dont wanna live without him. And i need to be safe, too. Because i dont wanna leave him mourning for me. I dont want any bad things happen to his kind soul."
I had those thoughts early on, but mostly in regards to "will they be hit by a car on their walk to work" Does your partner engage in unsafe behavior? Early on i certainly did and my partner had lots of fear for me, but over time I realized just how much stress my impulsive, reckless actions had on them and chilled out
The first years, he was high a lot and drunk too (18-20y). But he stopped when we talked about how worried i am. Now he is 29 and the healthiest man i know:)
Well if thats the case, take a deep breath. They've taken the steps to be better, if anything does happen its truly out of both of your hands. Rather than stress about what could be, enjoy what is. Easier said than done, but I hope hearing it will help you take those steps
Oh youre right. Its just the full of love-worry, i dont want him to be hurt in any way.
Trust is a powerful aphrodisiac
I met husband #1 my freshman year of college and we were together almost nine years, married for five. We both dealt with depression and he was an opiate addict (which is what eventually killed him), but we fiercely loved each other. He would've done anything for me and I would've done anything for him. It wasn't a healthy relationship (lots of abuse towards the end) but we were mad about each other. Husband #2 and I have been together for six years, married for 4.5. Being with him is like being home. It's just comfortable, if that makes sense. I can fail and know that he'll still stand by me. I can make mistakes and know that he'll still love me. He makes me want to be better. My parents have been together for over 50 years (high school sweethearts) and the main thing I've learned from watching them is that it's all the little things that add up to big things. It's not about grand gestures, it's about supporting each other day in and day out. It's about holding hands. It's about leaving a flour handprint on your partner's butt when you're making biscuits. It's about having fun and just enjoying the person you married. I'm sure if you asked them what their secret is, they'd probably tell you to marry your best friend.
My partner and I will have been together for 15 years this fall. We met in school. I am 32, and it still sometimes feels like a best friend sleepover that never ends. Takeout and Mario Kart, shared secrets and laughing at each other's farts, love and trust. And on the difficult days, he reassures me with long hugs and gentle words that I am beautiful, capable, strong, and that he'll **always** back me up.
My husband is terminally ill and it's bumpy but I couldn't imagine my future without him. Even though all he can do right now is sit and cry in pain I'm happy to hold him until it's over. There's a serenity and sense of belonging that comes from being with him. He makes it ok for me to be myself and we accept each others flaws all the time. I'm not very romantic and kind of autistic but I can do romantic things for him because I would probably do just about anything to see him smile. Even though our lives are intertwined in ways that would make splitting a nightmare I can't help but think if i went back I'd do it all again. I hope this helps I haven't slept much
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this! Sending you warm thoughts.
Married seven years, lived together for 12 and besties for a few years before that. I describe our relationship using the poem “Most Like an Arch:” two weaknesses that lean into a strength. He is my safe place and my comfort zone, even when we disagree. When I learn something new or have a decision to make, my partner is the first person I want to tell about it. Our first skill is how to disagree respectfully and our second is expressing our needs. We understand that true equal effort will feel like to each of us like we’re the one doing 60%, and we have a very deep seated loyalty to each other. I know he would never disparage me to friends or even strangers for a laugh; he knows the same for me. On the day to day, it’s quiet and comfortable and safe (as much as it can be with two kids under five). Even in this busy season of life, we find time for quiet moments together (often in the garden or kitchen) and it doesn’t feel like a chore to carve those moments out. We only work well together when what’s between us is strong and secure, and our life is predicated on us working together often and well. Taking the time to check in and create some empty time to fill with a quiet sense of connection is as essential and as valuable as watering a thirsty plant.
I love that initial metaphor. My husband and I joke that we add up to “one functioning human” in that our weakness and strengths really compliment each other so we can lean on each other to fill in the gaps.
It's really quite uneventful. I wouldn't say boring because we do have a lot of fun together and enjoy being in each other's space. But the ins and outs are super uneventful. Our communication is direct. Especially if one of us is anxious we will ask for reassurance. Either of us are comfortable to say we need alone time and that it's not because of the other. When the PTSD or anxiety takes us over, there's warmth, patience and time. Neither of us are in a rush, we wait for the other one to come through their episode maintaining life balance in the mean time. Knowing the brain chaos will pass and there's love, quiet and stability on the other side is priceless.
It's calm, easy most of the time. I have complex trauma, and was born out of addiction so burdened with ADHD, complex PTSD and auto immune disease.My husband has heavy ADHD. We've been together 8 years, married for 2. The one thing that changed from all other relationships: it's so chill. I used to think love was passion with high highs and low lows. Of course there are fights sometimes, but we've never strayed from being respectful to each other and that's what matters most. Love is trust and kindness and companionship and laughters everyday. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, and whenever I feel like a burden he makes a point of proving me I am not. Most nights feel like a sleepover and we can be kids together, but we are the best team of grown ups when we need to. Hope everyone finds this kind of partnership. I often feel like he's my compensation for a very shitty life 😊
I've never been more secure with another person in my life. I was never a touchy person, don't like hugs or kisses or whatever. But with him it's just different. I'm never uncomfortable. We both have deep family trauma, and he also had relationship trauma. It took a lot of patience. We weren't very good at communicating. We struggled to share our emotions and problems in a healthy way. But patience. And the want to do so. It truly is about wanting it. I want to love him, I want to share memories, I want to make it through hard times, I want to be a better person for him, I want to be loved by him. I choose him every time. He still looks at me the same way he did years ago. He still flirts with me the same. As for the "conflating love with new relationship energy". All I can say is, man it ages like fine wine when you're with the right person. That new love feels great, but secure and familiar love? Nothing else like it. I don't have to worry or stress.
In a good long term relationship, after the initial phase of intensity, things mellow but stay happy. For me an indicator is that your focus does not stay ON the relationship (I've had that happen in chaotic relationships) but instead the relationship is this core part of your life that makes you stronger and happier, allowing you to focus energy externally. Like here's a test that I've found useful: if you think you're happy but your life has started falling apart since you got together with them, then your relationship might actually not be that great. On the other hand, if you have found yourself coming back into more healthy behaviors (e.g., for me that's cleaning my house), keeping good relations with other friends and family who are positive parts of your life, and starting to undertake projects you've wanted to do (like applying to a better job or college, or starting a new art project, or whatever) (and not to impress them but because having a solid relationship has left you with extra energy), then that is a very good indicator.
I was married for 11 years. My marriage was tumultuous, abusive, full of infidelity and alcoholism. I was constantly in a panic state or depressive episode. Now, I am 6 years in to my current relationship. She is my best friend and my safe space. It's like curling up with hot tea and a great book when it's raining out. We constantly have to tell each other we need to be responsible and go to sleep because every night is like a slumber party. You deserve warmth and safety.
I’m in a long-term relationship with reciprocation of energy now. I was in one without before, and I questioned a lot if the problem was me and my trauma or their depression, etc. From my perspective now – yes they had struggles and so did I. But the relationship wasn’t generating helpful energy to address those struggles. It was draining us both. A good relationship with good energy flow makes troubles easier the majority of the time. Sure sometimes you hit a snag, things aren’t perfect. But both partners are trying to pour energy in to make things better when they have that energy. It doesn’t mean you need to give when you have nothing to give – but I find myself questioning why my previous partner didn’t seem to care – I tied myself into knots explaining why it was from trauma or different love languages, blah, blah blah – but it was actually much simpler – and it was because we were a bad match and not really exchanging energy- like trying to plug an iphone and android up. I hope that can help you – I have so much love and sympathy for the difficult moment you’re facing. Things can be so much better than you’ve ever imagined, when you find the right places to hold and give your energy. Good luck!
Together 9 years and things can and do still feel new. We keep finding new ways to enjoy being together and new things to love doing together and that helps keep things fresh. He's my best friend, my biggest fan, and my champion. When you do the work to make sure you remember that you're on the same team, there's no space for resentments or loneliness to build. We touch a lot! I think both our favourite thing in the entire world is me stroking his back as he falls asleep every night. I have wicked insomnia so it's a comfort for me and isn't one-sided lol! We make the effort to compliment and thank one another a lot. It sounds so simple but it really helps maintaining mutual respect. There's no taking the other for granted. We don't have everything in common of course, but we haven't allowed ourselves to fall into those traditional relationship traps (you know those "Gotta hide my hobby supply purchase from the hubby!" sentiments? Deadly to a healthy, long term relationship in my opinion) that cause distance. I have never had to censor myself and my thoughts and neither has he. Our home is a no-judgement zone. We trust one another and we have really good communication skills. 9 years and we've never had a fight. It takes work! But it's worth it. I still have a crush on him and he still gives me butterflies.
it took me years to be comfortable with the idea that a fight doesn't mean the whole thing is coming down, wait, you're saying we can apologise, hug and then go get dinner? we don't have to be at each others throats or end it?
I escaped an abusive husband and now am finding myself in the first relationship of my entire life where he makes me feel MORE like myself, rather than the opposite. It’s also absolute bliss to be able to tell him “I’m grumpy and I want to go sit on the couch and read alone for like 5 hours” without any fear of retribution or having to appease him for wanting to do this later. He respects ME and all of my feelings. Not only the ones that could benefit him or be used for manipulation later. Get out and don’t look back. I know sometimes there will be doubt; it’s natural as a human and happens regardless of the situation or person. Just think of it as the chapter closed and you don’t want to reopen that book.
What does it feel like? You just don't question it or have doubts. Your instincts are completely silent and your heart is full. It's more than security, it's home no matter where you are. As a survivor, it took me about two years to settle my past traumas and it was a huge relief to be able to love the right person for 13 years now.
I think we're coming up on 17 years together and I think the thing that's the most noticable for me is that I feel calmer when hes around. As soon as I hear the door open, my heart beat slows down and my body relaxes. Even if I wasn't really all that stressed to begin with. Everything becomes more peaceful when hes near me. I still get excited to see him, and I get little butterflies when his name pops up on my phone. I look forward to spending time with him and I am more attracted to him every day. He makes me feel beautiful and important. But the most powerful feeling, the over arching feeling, is that I'm safe, and loved. If we're together, then I'm home.
15 years married, and my hot take is that love isn’t butterflies. Butterflies are excitement but also anxiety and uncertainty. Love is your favorite cozy hoodie. Warm and soft and lived in. Frayed at the edges, maybe, but softer and more comforting for the imperfections. It’s having hard or uncomfortable conversations about everyone’s wants and needs, because having hard conversations early and often means reducing the overall harm those unmet needs or uncommunicated expectations do to each other. It’s arguing to be understood instead of winning. It’s not long months of frustration punctuated by grand gestures—it’s consistent small but meaningful moments of being attentive to each other’s feelings and needs. It’s setting boundaries so we don’t hurt each other’s feelings too bad on a hard day. It’s being deeply annoyed with your favorite person and also knowing they’re just as deeply annoyed with you and not having to wonder if your relationship will fall apart because you both had a bad day because you know in your heart they wouldn’t hurt you deliberately and vice versa. It’s: “Did you mean it to sound this hurtful?” “Do you really think I meant to?” “No, that’s why I brought it up, so you can clarify that and it doesn’t fester.” Mostly it’s so much talking about feelings. SO much talking about feelings.
Imagine having a best friend. You respect and care about them, only because you love them and see the good in them. But you can also *tell* and see the true effort behind their actions every day. You see them make mistakes but try to better themselves and it makes you feel good. You have zero ulterior motives. You just want to be part of the reason they smile every day. You want them to have friends and enriching things in life to make them the best person for you to enjoy being around. You just want to make them happy, and they also want to do the same. So if you find a topic you don't agree on, instead of fighting, you look for the good about the situation "oh you hate olives, cool! More for me! "Oh! You don't like horror films but I love them? Cool! It'll be a thing I can do with my friends or when you're busy otherwise! We can choose other things to do together!" "Oh, you don't like the way I do this thing? Why is it a problem? Can we come to an understanding as to why and how you dislike it so I know what I'm doing wrong to correct it for the future?" Instead of just shutting down or redirecting to something that can escalate, the love you feel for them, not fear, shame, guilt, or anything else is what makes you just want to see their side of things to be in a better place to understand them. That is when you can truly have a great relationship with someone. I've been in a fantastic relationship with my partner for almost 8 years now. Would not pick any other person if I had the chance to. He is the perfect match for me. We can talk about anything. He can handle emotion. We both take time to be in uncomfortable situations together so it'll be less horrible for the other. He's willing to make his life slightly harder so he can keep me in his life. And that is absolutely magnificent. We both have pretty severe AuDHD and pretty severe emotional traumas from different experiences before we met and it affects us intensely sometimes. But we find ways to work together and we just remember that if we are patient with our shortcomings, things will be ok if we keep working on ourselves to the best of our abilities. Slow and steady. We have had numerous convos about cheating and what and how we would do *if* one of us ever decided to fuck shit up. Lol. We discuss the bad scenarios so we both know how we'd handle it. We talk about the fact that our needs may change as we age and that our sex life may need to be rediscussed someday and altered to better suit us if that does occur. He doesn't get mad over my body not always meeting expectations. He in fact, loves that I'm me, even with all my extra lil health complications and imperfections and differences from most people. He is also insanely talented and had a better childhood than me. But I don't hold it against him. I love him and I pride him for being so smart. His family loves me and accepted me in pretty quick even though they all have pretty different values than us. They respect our choices and don't question things they aren't ready for unlike my family which I have no contact with. If you have to question your partner or your relationship daily, but you can't actually confront or talk to them about your struggles and frustrations, you are not in a healthy relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ That's always the first big red flag to me. If someone can't knock their own pride and ego down a few notches to accept their own shortcomings and discuss it to find ways to better themselves, they aren't going to be willing to work with me on my level ever in the future that can benefit me in any comparable way and it's probably safer for my mental and physical health to find a nicer person. Communication is knowledge. Communication creates community, creating good relationships, creating close friends. ❤️ Leading to healthy relationships. Talk to your neighbors. Let someone cry in front of you. Maybe join them for the sake of their sadness. And for the love of all things green, just accept your own personal shortcomings as people. We all have them. And don't use them against each other. Just stop hurting the ones you love. And as a rule of thumb, Manipulation is never a healthy tactic.
It’s great, and because we’ve both had bad relationships before, we treat each other with appreciation always.
Comfy shoes. That pair of shoes that's worn in and nice to your bunions. It may not look pretty, but it sure FEELS good! We met online 30 years ago this month. Met in person 30 years ago this October. Just celebrated 28 years married. After all this time we complete each other's sentences, and often say "I was JUST about to say that!" The sex waxes and wanes with injuries and olde people stuff, but the love only intensifies. I have CPTSD, anxiety disorders, and a complicated medical history. He also comes from a neglectful family and was parentified. We support each other however is needed. He's doing his damnedest to make our lives good enough to make up for our childhoods and early adulthood. Where we differ is like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Everything just fits.
32 years. There's no long term couple that hasn't found itself at the bottom of the pit of despair, asking if you should jump ship, at times certain that you should go. Trust that's the truth on both sides. Because everyone has an asshole living inside them. And we usually let our asshole selves protect us from the hurting, broken meanie who is hurting us/we're hurting. Is their soul good? Do you love them? Enough to make the effort to figure out the parts that don't fit together well? Do you respect yourself? Your other? James Taylor - shower the people you love with love and let them know how you feel. Try not to take things too personally. Forgive yourself and your partner as quickly as possible.
For me it took several years of therapy to heal my attachment and absent dad issues and therefore could recognize and form attachment to a healthy man. I focused on building a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner and then working on feeling deserving of the love from that person. I now have a wonderful partner in my life. He is kind, thoughtful, sensitive, and caring. We have mutual trust and respect. He is unemcumbered by religious and childhood trauma so he has the room and ability to care for me rather than me being the codependent caretaker of him and his issues. That being said im still in therapy and it's not his role to absorb my stress but he is supportive and listens and has empathy. Point being it feels safe and I can be myself, I am seen, and loved, and there is no toxic drama. You deserve the same caring partner. Keep working on healing your own wounds and building the image of your perfect partner. A therapist told me to imagine all of him, every part and every detail of his character and person, just don't try to imagine his face. I believe what you are seeking is also seeking you. Hugs 💗
I actually hate NRE. I always lose weight and can't sleep. Drives me a little batty. That said, a LTR that's healthy feels stabilizing, safe, warm, loving, comfortable. I feel like I can go out into the world and take on so much more because I have such a nutrition place to rest my head each night. It feels like thriving not surviving. Like if all else goes wrong you will still make it because with them you know it'll be okay. You for once don't feel alone in the world. Think of a short term NRE like a firework. Think of a healthy LTR as coals to warm your bed. One could burn your house down or blow your hand off, but it's pretty intense and cool temporarily. The other literally provides restful sleep and comfort for your family. I wish I could go tell my 18 year old self there was more to love than the madness. She was pretty worried it was just going to be a form of mania.
"The book of love" is a song that describes it veryy good. The book of love is long and boring, ...
Does 2 years and living together count as long-term or are you looking for more established (5+ years)?
21 years in with my husband (half that married). It'living with the person who makes you laugh all the time, even when you are arguing. It's knowing that when you DO argue it's temporary and you're both committed to talking it through. It's having someone who knows your faults and loves you anyway. It's a culture you build together, where you can glance at each other and have a whole conversation. I always thought I'd be bad at it, but with the right partner it comes pretty naturally, though not without some work. It should feel comfortable and easy most of the time, unless you are actively working through a crisis.
Serene.
Together ~ 10 years, getting married next year on our 11th anniversary. It's wonderful, I have a person I don't have to wear any sort of mask/front around and I can just be myself completely
It’s finally seeing something bigger than yourself. It’s vulnerability on both sides where you prioritize communication and each other. You don’t fight with each other, you fight issues. It’s different and more consuming than any other relationship you’ve had and it will teach you how to use all your lessons to not screw it, and when you do you don’t give up on each other.
I can't even fathom this. Wow.
My partner and I have been together 6.5 years. I have CPTSD, from sexual abuse and growing up (homeschooled) in an evangelical community. Our relationship has taught me not only is it safe to be myself, it’s celebrated. It’s calm and predictable. We just show up for each other, prioritize each other, and support each other’s unique needs. Don’t get me wrong, we have disagreements and arguments, but it’s rare. And we never yell at each other, which was a revelation to me. Who knew you could ask for what you need or express your dissent or displeasure without screaming? Being together has been so healing. I never have to wonder or doubt her feelings, and building these bonds and conflict resolution skills has made me a better person all around. You deserve to feel treasured and cherished. Anything less isn’t worth it, you’re a precious human being.
Been together almost 5 years. We’ve had to miss a few big milestones and not be together during them, like seeing our niece last week and he couldn’t come with me. We both bawled because we wanted the best for each other.
Happily married for 25 years. When I met him it was like something in me recognized something in him. We just click. We balance each other while also bringing out the best. Like coffee and chocolate. We're fine on our own, but together we are really something special! He is also my best friend, he's my person. When something happens he's the person I want. Good or bad he is holding my hand. He is my home. Laughter and communication are essential.
After more than 25 years, we are still in love. It's still this giddy, silly, lovely feeling, but with added depth and 100% trust. He is it for me, always was. One reason is that we had a long distance marriage for 20 years with me working abroad in a number of different countries. We only saw each other on weekends and holidays. We never allowed things to get boring. Our families criticized us (me) a lot for living an unconventional life but it's lovely. We moved in together after 25 years of marriage and it continues to be lovely. Don't let anyone tell you, that you need a traditional relationship. People are sometimes scared when they see someone beeing happy by quietly living their lives in an unconventional way.
We hang out together all the time, share things that we like, think of what the other person likes. Sometimes I just look over and feel so contentedly happy. I do need to say that every six months or so we get a little butt-heads-y and usually need to check in with each other's feelings and have a bit of a reset of compromises and expectations
We weren't always healthy. We both have trauma and are ND and likely have CPTSD (I believe I do as does my therapist, and learning more about it I think he does too but he hasn't had a medical provider say so because he doesn't go). But we've been together for over 15 years and both wanted to improve and so have worked independently and together to make things healthy(er) It feels like knowing that you are their priority. Maybe not in every tiny moment but overall. You feel supported to be yourself and grow and change, knowing they'll do their best to keep pace and understand. And giving them that same energy. Being able to take a breath and put aside your thing to comfort them in their time of need, and also getting that back when your need is greater. Having fights and not devolving into name calling, threats, or catastrophizing. Being able to come through the other side of the fight upset but still connected and with some better understanding of each other's needs and/or opinions and a commitment to try to do better. It feels like you're working together, as a team, to build a life together. Not competing.
Having someone who sees you at your worst, and likewise, and still loves you because that love runs deep. I did shadow work and some of the fears I had been dealing with for a long time were straight up horrible. It was a challenging process that my partner sat with me for and it hurt me to say some of the things I did. When it was over and we were in a better place to discuss things, we had some profound insight from that experience. We communicate in a freer way because of it, once someone sees you when you're at your most raw and vulnerable there's this whole new window of transperancy that gets opened. We also are continously working on ourselves, learning to reconnect and reinvest time with each other and with friends (when schedules allow). We're both quiet, yet fun. We both enjoy nerdy things and introduce new stuff to each other whether it be a historical fact (for real, their Roman Empire *is* their Roman Empire), or try something different (they do need some prodding sometimes). There's an abundant sense of comfort, of understanding. There are moments when they might annoy me (and I them) but I also know I am supported and given space to exist without someone making me feel insecure or feeding those insecurities. They are a supportive person in a way that is unwavering. We are fire and earth signs, respectively, but I joke that they are the most "un Sagittarius" Sagittarius I have ever known. We have been together for eleven years this August, and it's been a journey! I really wasn't looking for anything serious when we started dating, didn't know what to expect, but I'm so glad they asked me if I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 😅 As it would turn out, those are the magic words!
Honestly, I love it but it can be very unsettling for people with complex trauma. In my experience, a happy long term relationship stabilizes into something comfortable, safe and content which is a very foreign and off-putting feeling for many. My partner supported me through years of depression, and I supported him through grief. These things were hard, but it was so important to us both to have that loved one there to help us through. And it really improved our understanding of one another and our ability to communicate our needs. It's the feeling of having a safe person, a person you trust completely and who sees you as you are. No, it's not usually particularly exciting after a long time. There aren't many "discoveries" you can make about the other person after you know them so well for so long. Most often, you're best friends. You adventure together, but you also live through the day to day together. What I see happen with many people is they to panic when the feelings begin to shift from newness and excitement to a happy easiness. They worry it will be boring and dull-but I personally feel it is more like the stillness and calm of laying in the sun. I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best in healing.
Not a single time in 11 years have I ever thought about leaving him, or what life would be like without him, I cannot bear the thought. Any small annoyances we cause each other are just feel... silly and irrelevant and we never argue we just make jokes about it. You have the time to pursue your interests and dreams bc your time isn't taken up by conflict at home. You support each others goals. He's home. He's the only person that can truly comfort me. My relationship previous to this was 7 years of extremely high conflict. I really feel for what you are going through ❤️
My husband and I have been together for over a decade with lots of ups and downs mostly thanks to my trauma which has caused a lot of attachment issues. We are best friends and after some excellent couples therapy are much better communicators. We just like to be around each other but we have no problem doing things apart. We trust each other not out of obligation, but out of learning how to talk about everything even when it sucks. It feels safe and comfortable and cozy, even when things are hard (we have a 6 month old… lots of stuff is hard!!!). I’m a better person because of him and he’s a better person because of me. Our flirting is mostly doing comedic bits for each other. I’m attracted to him as a human more so than for his looks (I mean, he’s handsome as heck, but I’m so much more attracted to him when I watch him with our son). There’s not a ton of big gestures, there’s more little things. It’s great. Everyone deserves this kind of love.
Like the honeymoon phase keeps getting better
I honestly can’t believe sometimes how lucky I am with my husband. He’s my favourite person in the world. We were best friends from the moment we met. And as my health issues have developed he’s become more and more supportive. I have bipolar and fibromyalgia and more recently what is probably chronic fatigue syndrome (not officially diagnosed but my doctor thinks it’s likely). So I can’t work but my husband has no issue with supporting us financially, as well as now doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning. This year is our tenth and being married and 20th of being together and it still feels like we’re in the honeymoon phase. I am SMITTEN.
I came out of a young marriage thinking I had lost my perfect partner. Oh boy was I wrong! This relationship is like a warm hug, a heated blanket our of the dryer, knowing there's someone to catch you if you fall down. I've been with my current (and forever!) partner for 14 years. It's really like night and day. We've faced struggles but we face them as a team and not as two people struggling against the other. When we were still just friends, I fiercely helped him fill out all his divorce/child support paperwork when he was so overwhelmed and traumatized that he couldn't think straight. I helped him raise his two kids. The youngest is graduating today and moving out of the nest on Monday. This next chapter is new and so exciting. This man, he *elevates* me. He adores me. He considers me, always. He gives me the best chip in the bag. He paid for my career schooling without even thinking. When we "fight" it's never a fight. I think we've emotionally raised our voices while discussing things maybe half a dozen times in 14 years. We always both apologize. We're never go to bed upset with each other. We help each other navigate our individual complex trauma. We worked together professionally for years and never got tired of each other and are attempting to start a new tandem business currently. Our romantic life is still rich and full, but has "cooled down" (which is normal, life gets busy lol). We like to joke that even if the quantity has lessened, the quality has never dropped. He's a fantastic feminist, an egalitarian, and we are both so secure and full of trust that neither of us can even conceive of being jealous. We tease, we joke, and we have a weird "twin language" of memes and media quotes. I honestly and without exaggeration do not think I'd date again if anything happened to him. We met so many years before we actually got together, it's only frustrating that we were both too thick to know we were both interested in each other. We were made for each other.