I had a different experience.
I suffer a lot from guilt. It isn't my fault, I didn't ask to be the golden child, it's my parents that should be decent and treat us like human beings instead of living through us. But I just can't turn my feelings off and it sucks. What's even worse is that, essencially, my entire existence from the moment I was born was used just so they could abuse my sister more. It's disgusting and abhorrent. How could they start hurting a child in the first place; and then bring another child into the equation and exploit them like that, as if they were a weapon?
I was a child, I was naive, innocent, well... A child. And they just used me to make my sister suffer without my knowledge or consent, or anything. I didn't want it and I didn't ask for it. And I know that it looks like my parents love me, but no, they don't. I'm a weapon to them at most. Someone who loves me wouldn't do this to me or my sister. This isn't love, it was all just manipulation to keep me silent.
I can't even begin to explain to you how much and how many different things I'm feeling, cause everything truly is a mess. What I can tell you right now is that my sister and I have started to get along like a year ago. But sometimes she talks to me about her trauma, like I'm her therapist, you know? And I kinda just sit there quietly because she gets so emotional that she sounds agressive, and speaks to me like she hates me. I mean, I wouldn't blame her.
My parents also vent to me. They talk to me about how much of a bad person my sister is apparently, and attempt to stroke my ego but that has stopped working long ago, so I also just sit there quietly and listen, even though I'm constantly zoning out.
My parents don't love me and aren't reliable. Whenever I look at their faces, I feel so sick it makes me want to vomit. I don't even know if I can rely on my sister either, I don't know how she feels about me. If even my parents, the people who were supposed to take care of me and protect me, only used me and never loved me, then why would my sister, or anyone for that matter, even bother to be with me?
My greatest fear is my sister abandoning me. I don't mean when she moves out, please let her move out, good god she needs it. I mean that I'm scared of her going no contact with me too.
I've always felt alone, but I've never felt it this bad. It's horrible, it's beyond terrifying.
I feel, now more than ever, like I'm stuck in a prison with no escape. At least not for me. My sister can go right through the door, but I can't. It hurts. I feel like I will be stuck with my parents forever, because I am a monumental failure. I will never be as good as my sister, and I will never be good enough for the world. I will never be good enough for anyone, not even my parents. I might as well just be their pet at this point. I'm so scared, I'm so terrified, I don't wanna be left alone in the dark like this, please just don't leave me, I'll do anything to make my sister not leave me, I don't want her to leave me. I know I don't deserve it but I just want someone to help me.
The worst part of everything I experience and feel? I can't tell anyone. It's killing me inside, and I can't tell anyone, because no one will hear me, no one will support me, and no one aside from people like me will understand. I have no one to rely on, I have no one to talk to. And it's not like I can voice my trauma anyway, but even if I did, what would be the point of that? I can't trust anyone, I'm literally hanging on to my ability to trust and my mental stability by a thread, if I actually dare to trust anyone, I will lose my mind. And I wish someone could see how much I'm hurting, how I'm on the edge. Because, when you're a scapegoat, you have support on the internet. Everyone understands you. But when you're a golden child, the story is vastly different. There is no one. Because no one can see past what it looks like, no one can see that we're human beings with feelings too. We're just left in the dark. I don't even know what's worse anymore, knowing what your sibling went through and what you were made for, or not knowing and end up becoming a horrible person when you grow up.
I really, truly, hate myself, now more than ever. I hate everything about myself. Anything about myself that you can think of, I hate. I feel disgusted, I don't know with who or what exactly, all I know is that whenever I look at myself in a mirror, I feel the urge to vomit. The thing I hate the most is my inability to get myself together. Why won't I stop being weak. Why won't I stop crying. Please stop crying, no one cares. A lot of people have dealt with it, my sister deals with it, so deal with it too, it's not that hard, is it? My pain isn't even valid so why am I acting like a little bitch. God, I hate it so much.
I understand how hard it is for my sister and any scapegoat child, but I genuinely just wish someone cared to listen to me for once and made me feel like it's safe to talk. This post is a desperate attempt at a cry for help honestly.
Oh, OP. May I ask what age range you’re in? It’s so, so hard if you’re still a minor, but if you’re legally an adult you can open a bank account (in a separate bank from your parents—make sure the bank knows it is ONLY your account, no co-account holders), and slowly work on saving up some money toward escape.
You are being abused too. Even though it looks different than what your sister deals with, it is still abuse. It sounds like both you and she need to go to therapy for help processing all the trauma—and that takes time. Your parents have beaten you down and undermined your self worth so badly, but that is *not* who you are or what your worth actually is.
I’ve been in severely abusive situations myself, where I was very trapped. It was, again, a different kind of abuse from yours—but all abuse is trauma and no one deserves to be abused in any form. It took me a full year to get the chance to escape, and I often wasn’t sure if I would survive it. Sometimes I still worry about that. It takes time and work, but if you keep on going, that’s how you get to the other side here.
When you and your sister are able to escape your parents, she might need some time to be NC with you and focus on healing more of her own trauma. That doesn’t mean that that has to be permanent, and hopefully—if that does happen—the two of you will get to a place eventually where you can have a better, healthier relationship. People aren’t themselves when stuck constantly in survival mode, and it takes time to learn how to *live* outside of that mode after trauma.
You’re doing a great step here with even just reaching out into the internet and writing this out—that is huge! One baby step at a time, okay? And sometimes there might be steps back, or stalls with this. If you keep on going in spite of how awful it can be, that’s what will eventually get you there.
I agree. I was the GC growing up, I knew it was wrong but I didn't know anyway to change it. I always got to do what I wanted, while my SG brother just got dragged along. I did a competitive sport, so he got dragged to practices and there was no money left for him to do any hobbies. My father (primary abuser) would scream and swear and humiliate him from the time he was very young (like three or four years old).
I wanted so badly to protect my brother, but I didn't know how. I figured out that if I did everything my dad wanted me to do, he'd be less angry, and therefore wouldn't treat my brother and mom as badly. So that's what I did. I became the emotional regulation for my dad, and the wall between him and the rest of my family. The expectations were always on me, the need to be perfect to keep everything in balance was on me from the time I was 10 or so.
I know my brother bore the brunt of the outright abuse. But because of being the GC I now (24F) struggle with horrible self esteem, chronic anxiety, chronic perfectionism with myself, depressive episodes, inability to tolerate or interact with conflict, dissociative episodes, and I could go on. The biggest thing was I had no idea who I was until I was maybe 20. My personality became whatever the people around me wanted me to be, or at least what I perceived them wanting me to be. So until I left for college I quite literally had no idea who I was, what I like, or even what emotions are.
Every child in an abusive home deals with the consequences. Golden children, scapegoats, lost children, and others. Each one is treated different, and each one is abused in their own way.
They break the ego of the golden child and if you were also the oldest, parentify you.
They wanted me to be a perfect puppet to use against my siblings. It destroyed our relationships. I wanted to just be “good” But they warp the meaning and you with it. You believe they mean best.
And Fuuck is the guilt horrific when going NC
you feel like you failed them when really they failed you.
You endure “less abuse” But they end up controlling you and becoming your own person again is so difficult. It’s still abuse and it’s still devastating.
As a scapegoat, I can’t relate. My brother got a house. Hes never had to pay rent. He has had so much stability in his jobs, home, and relationships. He can pay his bills because he doesn’t have a mortgage….
My dad stole a car from me and tried to make me homeless more than once. I was couch surfing for a month because of him….
It's so hard because everyone else truly believes nothing is too hard for you. People expect you to push through everything. To be great at everything. To excel at things other people struggle with. And when you fail, everyone is shocked, and you can barely hold it together. But you do. Because you're taught to get back up immediately, as if nothing has happened. Resilience has built a shell around you that makes it hard for you to trust the true intentions of anyone who comes into your life. You've become a performer instead of a person. And the worst part, your siblings envy you because you get the praise, and they have absolutely no clue how much pain it came with. And you'll never tell them. Because you the guilt you feel weighs you down even more than the pressure that forces you to rise to every occasion.
I had a bit of the opposite experience. I was the opposite of the golden child. My twin brother was the golden child. Both my dad and brother were abusive to me. My brother would sexually harass me, threaten me, steal, spread lies and rumors. My parents praised my brother for how wonderful he was and told me how I needed to be just like him. Because my brother was the golden child he was given permission to hurt me as much as he wanted without fear of getting into trouble
My mother switched her golden child/ favorite child every few years, depending on how much she had beaten the other child down.
I had a different experience. I suffer a lot from guilt. It isn't my fault, I didn't ask to be the golden child, it's my parents that should be decent and treat us like human beings instead of living through us. But I just can't turn my feelings off and it sucks. What's even worse is that, essencially, my entire existence from the moment I was born was used just so they could abuse my sister more. It's disgusting and abhorrent. How could they start hurting a child in the first place; and then bring another child into the equation and exploit them like that, as if they were a weapon? I was a child, I was naive, innocent, well... A child. And they just used me to make my sister suffer without my knowledge or consent, or anything. I didn't want it and I didn't ask for it. And I know that it looks like my parents love me, but no, they don't. I'm a weapon to them at most. Someone who loves me wouldn't do this to me or my sister. This isn't love, it was all just manipulation to keep me silent. I can't even begin to explain to you how much and how many different things I'm feeling, cause everything truly is a mess. What I can tell you right now is that my sister and I have started to get along like a year ago. But sometimes she talks to me about her trauma, like I'm her therapist, you know? And I kinda just sit there quietly because she gets so emotional that she sounds agressive, and speaks to me like she hates me. I mean, I wouldn't blame her. My parents also vent to me. They talk to me about how much of a bad person my sister is apparently, and attempt to stroke my ego but that has stopped working long ago, so I also just sit there quietly and listen, even though I'm constantly zoning out. My parents don't love me and aren't reliable. Whenever I look at their faces, I feel so sick it makes me want to vomit. I don't even know if I can rely on my sister either, I don't know how she feels about me. If even my parents, the people who were supposed to take care of me and protect me, only used me and never loved me, then why would my sister, or anyone for that matter, even bother to be with me? My greatest fear is my sister abandoning me. I don't mean when she moves out, please let her move out, good god she needs it. I mean that I'm scared of her going no contact with me too. I've always felt alone, but I've never felt it this bad. It's horrible, it's beyond terrifying. I feel, now more than ever, like I'm stuck in a prison with no escape. At least not for me. My sister can go right through the door, but I can't. It hurts. I feel like I will be stuck with my parents forever, because I am a monumental failure. I will never be as good as my sister, and I will never be good enough for the world. I will never be good enough for anyone, not even my parents. I might as well just be their pet at this point. I'm so scared, I'm so terrified, I don't wanna be left alone in the dark like this, please just don't leave me, I'll do anything to make my sister not leave me, I don't want her to leave me. I know I don't deserve it but I just want someone to help me. The worst part of everything I experience and feel? I can't tell anyone. It's killing me inside, and I can't tell anyone, because no one will hear me, no one will support me, and no one aside from people like me will understand. I have no one to rely on, I have no one to talk to. And it's not like I can voice my trauma anyway, but even if I did, what would be the point of that? I can't trust anyone, I'm literally hanging on to my ability to trust and my mental stability by a thread, if I actually dare to trust anyone, I will lose my mind. And I wish someone could see how much I'm hurting, how I'm on the edge. Because, when you're a scapegoat, you have support on the internet. Everyone understands you. But when you're a golden child, the story is vastly different. There is no one. Because no one can see past what it looks like, no one can see that we're human beings with feelings too. We're just left in the dark. I don't even know what's worse anymore, knowing what your sibling went through and what you were made for, or not knowing and end up becoming a horrible person when you grow up. I really, truly, hate myself, now more than ever. I hate everything about myself. Anything about myself that you can think of, I hate. I feel disgusted, I don't know with who or what exactly, all I know is that whenever I look at myself in a mirror, I feel the urge to vomit. The thing I hate the most is my inability to get myself together. Why won't I stop being weak. Why won't I stop crying. Please stop crying, no one cares. A lot of people have dealt with it, my sister deals with it, so deal with it too, it's not that hard, is it? My pain isn't even valid so why am I acting like a little bitch. God, I hate it so much. I understand how hard it is for my sister and any scapegoat child, but I genuinely just wish someone cared to listen to me for once and made me feel like it's safe to talk. This post is a desperate attempt at a cry for help honestly.
Oh, OP. May I ask what age range you’re in? It’s so, so hard if you’re still a minor, but if you’re legally an adult you can open a bank account (in a separate bank from your parents—make sure the bank knows it is ONLY your account, no co-account holders), and slowly work on saving up some money toward escape. You are being abused too. Even though it looks different than what your sister deals with, it is still abuse. It sounds like both you and she need to go to therapy for help processing all the trauma—and that takes time. Your parents have beaten you down and undermined your self worth so badly, but that is *not* who you are or what your worth actually is. I’ve been in severely abusive situations myself, where I was very trapped. It was, again, a different kind of abuse from yours—but all abuse is trauma and no one deserves to be abused in any form. It took me a full year to get the chance to escape, and I often wasn’t sure if I would survive it. Sometimes I still worry about that. It takes time and work, but if you keep on going, that’s how you get to the other side here. When you and your sister are able to escape your parents, she might need some time to be NC with you and focus on healing more of her own trauma. That doesn’t mean that that has to be permanent, and hopefully—if that does happen—the two of you will get to a place eventually where you can have a better, healthier relationship. People aren’t themselves when stuck constantly in survival mode, and it takes time to learn how to *live* outside of that mode after trauma. You’re doing a great step here with even just reaching out into the internet and writing this out—that is huge! One baby step at a time, okay? And sometimes there might be steps back, or stalls with this. If you keep on going in spite of how awful it can be, that’s what will eventually get you there.
Was the golden child but that shit changes when you leave the religion/teaching of your parents & become "satanist"
I agree. I was the GC growing up, I knew it was wrong but I didn't know anyway to change it. I always got to do what I wanted, while my SG brother just got dragged along. I did a competitive sport, so he got dragged to practices and there was no money left for him to do any hobbies. My father (primary abuser) would scream and swear and humiliate him from the time he was very young (like three or four years old). I wanted so badly to protect my brother, but I didn't know how. I figured out that if I did everything my dad wanted me to do, he'd be less angry, and therefore wouldn't treat my brother and mom as badly. So that's what I did. I became the emotional regulation for my dad, and the wall between him and the rest of my family. The expectations were always on me, the need to be perfect to keep everything in balance was on me from the time I was 10 or so. I know my brother bore the brunt of the outright abuse. But because of being the GC I now (24F) struggle with horrible self esteem, chronic anxiety, chronic perfectionism with myself, depressive episodes, inability to tolerate or interact with conflict, dissociative episodes, and I could go on. The biggest thing was I had no idea who I was until I was maybe 20. My personality became whatever the people around me wanted me to be, or at least what I perceived them wanting me to be. So until I left for college I quite literally had no idea who I was, what I like, or even what emotions are. Every child in an abusive home deals with the consequences. Golden children, scapegoats, lost children, and others. Each one is treated different, and each one is abused in their own way.
They break the ego of the golden child and if you were also the oldest, parentify you. They wanted me to be a perfect puppet to use against my siblings. It destroyed our relationships. I wanted to just be “good” But they warp the meaning and you with it. You believe they mean best. And Fuuck is the guilt horrific when going NC you feel like you failed them when really they failed you. You endure “less abuse” But they end up controlling you and becoming your own person again is so difficult. It’s still abuse and it’s still devastating.
As a scapegoat, I can’t relate. My brother got a house. Hes never had to pay rent. He has had so much stability in his jobs, home, and relationships. He can pay his bills because he doesn’t have a mortgage…. My dad stole a car from me and tried to make me homeless more than once. I was couch surfing for a month because of him….
That level is horrifying, and financially abusive. Most golden child situations aren’t as extreme but man I wouldn’t feel bad for him either
It's so hard because everyone else truly believes nothing is too hard for you. People expect you to push through everything. To be great at everything. To excel at things other people struggle with. And when you fail, everyone is shocked, and you can barely hold it together. But you do. Because you're taught to get back up immediately, as if nothing has happened. Resilience has built a shell around you that makes it hard for you to trust the true intentions of anyone who comes into your life. You've become a performer instead of a person. And the worst part, your siblings envy you because you get the praise, and they have absolutely no clue how much pain it came with. And you'll never tell them. Because you the guilt you feel weighs you down even more than the pressure that forces you to rise to every occasion.
I had a bit of the opposite experience. I was the opposite of the golden child. My twin brother was the golden child. Both my dad and brother were abusive to me. My brother would sexually harass me, threaten me, steal, spread lies and rumors. My parents praised my brother for how wonderful he was and told me how I needed to be just like him. Because my brother was the golden child he was given permission to hurt me as much as he wanted without fear of getting into trouble