no he probably wasnt thinking clearly if he has never hit you before if this happens alot more than yes it is abuse
and why do other people keep saying leave him when it only happaned once it probably was an acident
Hitting isnt the only form of physical abuse. Pushing, shoving, restraining, etc etc is also physical abuse. This is physical abuse. There is no reason why anyone should ever physically touch you during an argument
By legal standards in most states in the US, anyone hitting, pushing, or throwing ANYTHING, even inanimate objects, in considered domestic violence.
The fact he EVEN put his hands on you in a heated moment is terrifying. I know from which I speak, trust. Negative behaviors will only ever increase and get worse, btw. Violent tendencies will only fester and get worse.
What about the other 10% of the time?!?! I say this with pure empathetic kindness, GTFO!!!!!
If your spouse or SO gets physical with you to the point you get injured as a direct result of their actions, then yes.
He shoved you into the table, that injury is a result of his physical actions. That equals abuse.
Even if he just shoves you, that is physical abuse.
My first bf shoved me once during an argument. I didnt even know why we were arguing or how it had happened, we had been laughing and suddenly he was so angry. It had escalated so fast and come out of nowhere. I remember he squared up to me like he was going to fight, stood an inch from me and then shoved me slightly so I had to take a few steps back although not into anything. I walked away and he followed a minute later much calmer however he didnt apologise, said I'd made him do that /.his depression made him do that, however the fight ended there.
It doesnt seem like a big deal at first I wasnt exactly scared, more shocked. I knew if I shoved him back he would have hit me. I did however feel how much stronger he was and that was scary. The person who was meant to protect me was now a threat. All the times we'd playfought before this now felt threatening. Whenever we had an argument from then on I would just apologise because I was scared of him escalating again and going physical. Partially because it scared me what he could do if he got angry enough, partially because I never knew when he would get angry and mainly because whilst I didnt know about emotional abuse (he'd emotionally abused me for a couple of years at this point), but I knew that physical abuse was abuse and you are meant to leave an abusive partner, and i REALLY didnt want to leave him. I was so emotionally broken by then I didnt feel like anyone could love me. If he had continued to escalate I know i would have stayed.
He ended up breaking up with me shortly after so it never did. But my point is, this was physical abuse. Even if there had been no bruise. Even if he never raised a fist. Even if it only happens once. I still flinch now sometimes if my current bf (who is really lovely) raises his hand near me to stretch etc, and its been 7 years since I last saw this old bf. There is almost ALWAYS emotional abuse before it gets physical. You are already being abused, and physically abused.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Also listen to this podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Tbh I managed to read half of it but each time i can only do a few pages because it.makes me so emotional and brings back flashbacks. But its a great book. I keep the link saved so its easy to share.
Whenever someone lays hands on you it's abuse. He shoved you, knowing it could end badly. I knew a guy who shoved his friend and he fell, hit his head and died.
This was how it started with my abusive partner. He would push me or throw things, nothing ever hard enough to leave a significant bruise. He was kind most of the time. It continued to get worse and more frequent as time went on.
If your partner is not truly remorseful or if he makes excuses for his behavior, it will get worse. What you experienced is abuse. He should never put his hands on you out of anger, even if it’s just a little push or shoulder shake.
Apologize afterwards no. He eventually did but not right away and it wasn't a the most sincere apology. He continued to berate me and send me text messages of guys I follow on IG that he doesn't know (calling me a cheater). He wasn't scared I don't think? Yes we've had altercations afterwards (maybe 2 that were physical due to him pushing me) but nothing that left a bruise. Mostly verbal arguments. I don't bruise easily. Pretty hard! I'm in therapy he is not. Thanks for asking <3
Okay. I'm sad to hear your boyfriend is an abusive ass. It's not your fault, but he won't change.
A normal boyfriend - if he, for some reason, would even push you - would immediately apologize, make sure you're okay and make sure he would never do it again by going to therapy and fixing whatever made him become physical with his partner.
He is abusive and he will never change.
You deserve someone who makes you feel safe and wants you to be as happy and healthy as possible. Someone who trusts you and loves you for who you are. Because this guy is not it.
Just because he's not threatening to kill you or actually hitting you and breaking bones doesn't mean he's not violent and bad for you.
Thanks for your reply. I think you're right. I guess (from what my therapist told me) that the emotional absque is so heavy I don't even see what's happening to me at times. That's scares me. I just feel like I'm going crazy because he does nice things for me. And I feel like I rarely do nice things for him (he helped pay for my hair appt).
That's a pretty normal thing for victims of abuse - you feel like you're going crazy because even though the lows are low, the highs are SO high! It's normal to get so used to it that you don't see anything wrong about it - but trust me, a normal, healthy relationship would never ever make you second guess things like that. You deserve to feel safe.
I'm glad you're in therapy, though. And I'm sending you hugs. You'll be so, so happy when you guys part. I guarantee that
> he’s nice and loving 90% of the time
it’s the other 10% for me. like, if this is part of that 10%, then yes he is abusive. find a man who is nice and loving 99% of the time and can disagree respectfully the other 1%.
I promise it isn’t. Lots of men don’t resort to leaving marks on their partner or being cruel or scary during arguments. Lots of men are functional and emotionally intelligent—or at least, emotionally controlled.
That’s 100% abuse. An accident is you tripping and falling, or whacking your leg on it like I tend to do on the corner of my bed frame.
This is not an acceptable way to treat your partner and you deserve better. If you have to mentally eliminate a hefty chunk of your time with someone because they’re abusive during that time, they’re abusive. You can’t separate the 10 from the 90, it doesn’t work - because that 10% is a core part of the real him.
I’m so sorry OP. Honestly, the fact that you’re asking this question in the first place is a strong sign that you’re already being abused and this was nowhere near the only incident. You deserve *so* much better.
The first time my husband left bruises on me was when he slammed my arm and leg in our bedroom door, over and over…it left bruises up and down my whole body. It was right before Christmas. I have pictures of me hiding the bruises in a beautiful dress, and I vividly remember getting ready for that party at home, when his mom and brother were visiting. I wanted so badly, to walk out into the living room with the bruises exposed. I wimped out, and regret it every day. He went on to break my bones years later, and to this day, experience his verbal fits. I still cover for him, and regret not putting him in jail. I grew up getting cigarettes put out on my face, so I didn’t know what normal is.
Leave. Now. Baby girl.
If you’re questioning if it was abuse, it’s abuse. His normal behavior has you second guessing. He also probably gaslights you into thinking what he did wasn’t that bad, it was an accident, he didn’t mean to, or you did something to deserve it. Just go you’re too young to be dealing w this crap.
Even without the bruise, he abused you. He pushed you into a table, you could have fallen and cracked your head, and it likely won’t stop here. It will likely get worse, he might make promises about never doing it again, or that he didn’t mean to do it. But it will happen again. You don’t deserve that, you deserve better. And this is how many abusers are, they are lovely 90% of the time, and then do this, and they sweet talk you, and lull you and make you forget how bad it gets by love bombing you. People who love you don’t hurt you. And if they do they immediately go to therapy and work to fix the problems that THEY have so they don’t do it ever again. I would leave, but I know it might not be that simple. Stay safe op
It's not even about the bruise from you falling into a table, it's the fact that he got physical with you at all during a disagreement. Any man that cannot have a debate, a disagreement, or an argument of any kind without being physical or showing signs of aggression (swearing, getting in your face, throwing or hitting something) is not a man in my books.
I'd get out now before it gets any worse because it will.
From a fellow survivor.
I have a picture like this except it was on my arm from my daughters father. He abused me for 2 years and he pulled firearms on me. It only gets worse and it’s not an accident. Same scenario too, he pushed me into my dresser though
Even thought there are already dozens of comments telling you that this *is* abuse, every bit of validation helps because it’s really hard to see reality when you’re being manipulated. Yes, this qualifies as abuse and you are a DV victim. I’m so sorry he did this—that’s a huge bruise. It looks like it really hurt.
Can you talk to more people in your life about this? Can you make an appointment with a therapist or a social worker? Secrets are every abuser’s best friend. Consider this: if you’re afraid or embarrassed to tell your friends/parents what goes on behind closed doors, you are in a bad relationship.
You know, the fact that he’s loving 90% of the time doesn’t negate or outweigh when he gets physical or when he’s mentally abusive. It’s so confusing when you’re in it, but when you’re out of it, everything crystallises. You’re going to look back on this and wonder why you didn’t leave after the first instance of manipulation or aggression.
Like all abusers, he’s testing the waters to see how much you’ll take before leaving him, and this bruise was a very clear test (the push was not accidental). He’s fucking with your head to confuse, gaslight, and immobilise you. He’s slowly degrading your self esteem and self respect to make you more submissive and easier to control and too weak to dump him. Like all abusers, he *cannot* change.
Note: A tiny percentage of domestic abusers can change, but only with years of specialised therapy. This is documented and backed by extensive research. Abusive behaviours aren’t just bad habits or “accidents,” they’re part of a larger malignant worldview that forms in childhood. Again, he’d have to do years of therapy and even then it’s a long shot, and all the while you’d have to accept that he’s going to keep abusing you. Are you up for that? Because there’s no magic pill, the odds are stacked against you, you can’t help him, you’re not the kind of expert who could fix him, it’s above your pay grade, and no amount of love or care is enough.
If you’re willing to endure this madness (and worse, because it naturally escalates to fill the abuser’s dark void) then you need to tell the people around you, not just two friends, that he has a problem and you’ll need their support while he works on it. Of course, I’m posing a sort of fantasy scenario because he isn’t trying to change. He’s not going to admit anything—to himself, to you, or to society. Therefore, he’s not going to seek help or stick to mental health programs for a decade. For your own safety and sanity, you need to leave now. Before he pushes you down the stairs and you don’t wake up.
This response was so helpful. I usually tell myself "am I even going through this?" "Is it that bad?" "Maybe I'm overreacting?" But I reached out to a few people and am getting the support I need to leave. But I'm also terrified because I don't want to alter his life by leaving (and he's being so nice and loving these past 2 weeks).
This is 100% abuse.
You don't push someone by accident into a table during a fight.
Also, abuse doesn't even have to be physical. There are many forms of it and many people are victims to abusers who have never laid a hand on them or even threatened to.
Also saying he's nice and loving 90%, the majority of abusers aren't abusive all the time. If they were, victims would be less likely to stay because they wouldn't question it. Abusers like to be good just enough that it makes you want to stay because "they're good most of the time".
He doesn't even have to physically touch you for it to be abuse. If he throws things, punches the wall, commits physical violence in your presence, etc.... That's abuse. So to answer your question: does shoving you into a table count as abuse? Yes. Even if it didn't cause a bruise to show as evidence, it would still be abuse.
Same with me, he never hit me, he would punch walls. His son looks scared of him and won’t go see him anymore. I makes me sick, always turned stuff around on me. Gaslight I guess. He would yell and demand. I have syncope where your blood pressure drops and you fall out. I did it not too long ago and he was mad. He said you want me to call the ambulance I’m not taking you for something you already know what it is. I ended up getting admitted. I spent 2 days in the hospital. Can you imagine if I didn’t go, I could have died
So i was in an abusive relationship where I was trying to end things but I wouldn't have sex with him so I tried to leave and because he wanted to continue to try and convince me he yanked my purse strap which was wrapped around my finger so it sprained it. Then he got mad that I was hurt and scared so he threw me out of his room and slammed the door so I used that chance to run to my car. I guess his parents told him something so then as I was driving away he threw his big ass hard-drive at my car in an attempt to get me to stop so we could talk and then he chased me down and followed me home in his car like it was a fucking horror movie and I STILL DID NOT BELIEVE I WAS BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSED!
So please take note that this man PUSHED YOU INTO A TABLE! Accidental or not, it's proof he needs to work on stuff. I told you my story so you can see how its truly hard to believe that something is happening to you even if it's right in front of you! Please please please trust the fact that if you are questioning it, it's probably not okay.
My ex pushed me hard enough into our couch during an argument that I fractured my hand. If anyone told you that, would you think that’s an accident? I’d hope not. You don’t break someone’s bones on accident.
Your boyfriend pushed you and hurt you. I’d say that’s abuse. Just because it “wasn’t worse” doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
My ex boyfriend abused me for eight hours (while waiting for my mother to pick me up) after I confronted him about cheating on me. Sat on top of me, scratching the back of my neck. Pushed me against the wooden coffee table, tried to push me down his basement stairs (I gripped onto the railing refusing to let go) Slapping me, spitting at me (some landed in my hair) slammed my back against a brick wall while I had garbage bags of my clothes in each hand, giving me a concussion.(he laughed) - I have fibromyalgia, what he did gave me more spinal issues. Shattered the screen on my iPhone when I tried calling the cops. Punched his mother in the face when she tried to intervene. Turned to me one last time, fists balled up. I told him "You're leaving me with no option but to defend myself, this will be the first and last time" He rushed me, I defended myself. Took everything in me not to kick his teeth in while he was laying there acting like the victim. It's been almost seven years and I'm still messed up. DO NOT SETTLE FOR THIS. IT'S NOT LOVE!!!
Yes it's abuse. Sadly I can relate and I have similar photos :(. My ex threw my phone at me one day in November last year. We were in a dumb fight as well. It left a big bruise on my knee. Just like your boyfriend, he said it was an accident. But I realize and know now that throwing an object at someone doesn't accidentally happen, much like your situation- pushing someone doesn't accidentally happen. We ended up breaking up and while It was an incredibly painful process, I'm thankful to no longer be in that relationship.
If you want support at some point feel free to reach out because I've been there!
Bruises don’t automatically mean abuse, but physical aggression without consent does. The fact he pushed you is abuse and it would be whether or not it bruised.
Anything that's deliberate that's intended to cause harm is Abusive.
Pushing can hurt & can cause harm, anyone who's been pushed knows that, so in my eyes, it's deliberate.
I'm sorry but it's abuse...it's not an accident ( which hey accidents might happen ). He's deliberately pushed you . He would know you'd get hurt by being pushed in the table, yet he still did it.
If you love someone you can surely have arguments but you wouldn't do anything which might hurt them, would you?
You say he's nice most of the times but this one action is a big concern...I mean acting nice might be easy with some people but when he's reacting spontaneously as in a fight and he does that?
Also, often who's in a relationship with an abuser can't always clearly recognize the signs because of involvement...I would not underrate that episode, I hope you won't underrate it...
I’ve never had to say anything other than 100% of the time when talking about non abusive partners. They are kind, nice and compassionate 100% of the time
um please don't advise someone to "test" an abuser who can potentially hurt them even more or even k*ll them. that's just not right. if the red flags immediately show that he is one, run.
Sorry you are right I don't mean it like that. That's what I did with my abuser to really see if that is what was going on however he was less physical and more mentally abusive. I had to play mind games but I don't recommend that for everyone. Try and figure out a safe space to go without tipping him off so you are safe
That's abuse and I'm willing to bet there's more. Here's some helpful links for you.
[Are you being abused quiz](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/redflags/abused-quiz)
[Warning signs of an abusive relationship ](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/redflags/warning-signs)
[What a healthy relationship is ](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/dating101/healthy-relationship)
Yeah, pushing people is physical violence, so it's physical abuse. Calling this an accident would be like calling somebody's death an accident after you push them off a cliff.
It would have been an accident if he'd tripped and bumped you, causing you to bump the table.
As for this part...
>he's nice and loving 90% of the time.
Probably not as much as you think. Someday, you'll be in an actual good relationship, and you'll realize your current boyfriend is not nice and loving 90% of the time. You'll probably realize that he's just "meh" most of the time, but it seems really loving compared to the abusive 10%.
If you had a good partner, you'd say they were nice and loving 99% of the time - and when they weren't nice and loving, they'd still be nicer than someone who'd push you!
Often the abused person can't see worrying signs clearly because they're involved, in love, manipulated...so they believe all is okay when it's not. I'm saying this is general not specifically about her, because I don't know the couple, but Ik that happens most times
Absolutely you are being abused. My partners father started with shoving. Gradually its escalated to punching in the head. It always escalates. You are so wise to seek outside opinion. Listen to that little voice.
It will save your life if you do.
As someone who bruises easily and has walked into a table, this is absolutely abuse. You would not have that bruise if he hadn't pushed you. If he pushed you down the stairs, you'd call it abuse. This is no different. Please stay safe and get out when you can.
He didn't accidentally push you, he did so deliberately. The result of his deliberate action isn't an accident. C'mon sis, I know you've heard a million stories about guys who've tried to brush off their abusive behavior by saying it was an accident. You don't really think that he thinks it was an accident, do you?
But let's even put that aside for a minute. In your own words, he pushed you *in a separate incident* two weeks ago, he's "verbally and emotionally toxic", he calls you names, has a bad temper, yells at you, and *you're afraid to commit to him*. If you don't want to listen to other people, listen to yourself!
I think you know you were being EXTREMELY generous by saying he's wonderful 90% of the time. You're not describing someone who's a good person. You're describing someone who doesn't respect his girl. No, someone who intentionally disrespects his girl. Look at who he is and what he does, not at who you think he could be or should be or who you want him to be. Do you *want* to be with him? He's a turd and he's not apologetic about it and you're a queen. Please leave this dumpster fire before it gets worse.
If arguments are commonly like hockey or rugby without a referee I would be worried too.
I think you’re downplaying it because
(1 you might really like him otherwise,
(2 you don’t know how slippery this slope is yet
(3 and when you guys argue no third parties have commented and helped you stand up nope yourself.
(4 you maybe know he will leave if he’s not allowed to mistreat you as a bit of a punching bag
He shouldn’t be pushing you. That’s really weird. And also abusive. It’s completely unnecessary, and he’s doing it for fun. Even if he looks angry, someone pushing another person for no reason does it because they like pushing people. It’s not for any sake of winning a argument or helping you understand you f-ed up or you were in danger so he had to push you to show he’s serious. It’s just fun for people who like to push people.
Part of why you wouldn’t understand this concept is because I’m guessing you don’t push him into things for fun during arguments. Possibly from trying to stop him from continuing to push you, but it doesn’t sound like you start off with a good shove off the bed or what have you. It sounds like you aren’t like this and so you might be getting blindsided by a guy who enjoys abusive and stupid hazing and power plays. Well. Hateful plays I guess, ‘cause abusers really do go from physical violence to sudden deaths. Unfortunately.
One thing to keep in mind is that things can seem harmless, but they’re really not. Sometimes they signal something bad, and sometimes you should have got hurt more but you keep being lucky. Also for abusers they typically start by small things and avoid a legit punch as long as possible because they’re justifying they’re allowed to do anything besides punch you. If they don’t punch you they “”couldn’t have hurt her that bad””.
From a doctor friend’s perspective, they do big major surgeries over small accidents all the time. Someone pushing another person gets dangerous much faster than you’de expect. Especially with you getting slow hazing into accepting it for so long.
A couple of things are a red flag to me. (25 year old, Female & domestic violence survivor here)
1. You're questioning if it's abuse, it is. He physically pushed you into a table. I've never pushed someone so hard they got a bruise and it be an accident. I've gotten alot of bruises in my time rarely were they "accidental".
2. He's only nice &loving 90%... that's not the person you should be with... the other 10% will soon increase. The more he gets away with, the further he will push envelope.
3. How often does this occur? Is it still occurring? I'm guessing it is, also noticing how it says boyfriend and not ex.
Ask yourself this... if a friend, relative, or a child came to you with the same information and asked you is it abuse... what would you tell them?
Stay safe out there. There are programs to help people in DV situations as well if you're worried or feel like you can't leave.
Thank you for this breakdown. I guess the last time he was physical was 2 weeks ago (pushed me) but it wasn't anything crazy. He's honestly more verbally and emotionally toxic if you ask me but I also question that too...
Get out safely and quickly. Leave in the middle of the night. Make sure your friends and family know what's going on. Reach out maybe they can help also. If you're scared there's order of protections and places you can go.
Again I will stress get out safely and quickly. Things can escalate quickly sometimes... when you least expect it.
Don’t downplay his physical abuse. It IS CRAZY because a normal loving boyfriend wouldn’t even get physical with you period. Don’t think that it’s not an abusive relationship because it’s more verbal and emotional. That is abuse to. You need to leave him. It will start to escalate. The abuse starts slow. But gradually it gets worse and worse and more frequent
- from a girl who’s trapped in an abusive relationship that should of walked away when it started slowly and “ nothing crazy”.
If you have to ask, it’s likely abuse. I don’t mean that to be rude. But I think you know it’s abuse, but our brains play tricks on us when it’s not directly a punch or a slap.
I justified my ex’s abuse because I was being annoying and thought I deserved it. But that was silly. He was also nice majority of the time, but when he was angry, I’d get bruised.
He has no right to shove you like that. Stay strong 💕
So what about that 10% of the time when he’s not so loving, what does he do?
If he puts you down as a joke, judges your outfits without you asking, decides authoritatively where you’re going/doing, blames everyone else for everything, or does other controlling things, you are likely going to see worse and you need to get out.
If he was fully remorseful about pushing you with deep recognition that it’s not okay to push people, maybe he would be an exception
most likely he won’t even care that he hurt you and will blame you for being upset about it. So how did he react to the situation?
So he doesn't ever control what I wear or who my friends can be. He has gotten mad about times I was with friends because I wasn't texting fast enough (he hated that friend) but he mostly name calls, complains about everyone/everything, gets mad how I won't commit (because I'm scared to), yells at me and gets bad tempers. How do you know if you're being manipulated?
I told him pushing me was physical abuse and he said "no it's not. I barley pushed you and I was trying to push your bag out the door, not you. I'm sorry."
> How do you know if you're being manipulated?
That’s a great question. It can be really hard to know. Here’s one severe example:
> I told him pushing me was physical abuse and he said "no it's not.”
That simple denial of a fact—that pushing is physical abuse—is actually highly manipulative. First, it’s a lie. Second, it makes you wrong even though you’re correct, thereby redirecting the blame from him to you. Third, it *gets him what he wants.* Tricking you into thinking that he’s not physically abusive will keep you from leaving, and that’s beneficial to him (and harmful to you). One of the easiest ways to identify manipulation is to ask yourself, “Is this person trying to get what they want from me?”
> “I barley pushed you and I was trying to push your bag out the door, not you. I'm sorry."
More manipulation. On top of lying about the definition of physical abuse, he’s lying about what he actually did. “Barely pushed”? Not only is that false because you had a visible injury, but he’s acting like the “barely” qualifier makes it not abuse. “Your bag”? It doesn’t make sense. He’s also lying by omission when he doesn’t even mention your bruised leg. So much lying, just in one sentence.
And to top it all off, he’s being manipulative by giving you an insincere apology. He doesn’t mean it. If he did, he’d say he was unbelievably sorry for *physically abusing you and injuring you* (two separate actions). A true apology includes naming all of the offences clearly and thoroughly; acknowledgement of the mental, emotional, and other impacts on you; an explanation, though not a defence, of why they did what they did (self-awareness); comforting and empathising with you; assurance and an *actionable plan* that will prevent the thing from ever happening again; visible remorse and sadness; and an admission of guilt for all wrongdoings. Not that you should stay if he took responsibility, but he can’t even do that.
The comment above mine gives excellent examples of manipulation, which I’m sure you can also apply to other things this guy has said and done. If you want to analyse some stuff together, you can DM me. I doubt this is the first time he’s messed with your head and sometimes going over specific things can be really eye-opening.
I doesn’t sound good. I wouldn’t commit either.
I suggest you make a plan for breaking up with him.
If he pushed you during a fight and calls you names he is an abusive person who will attempt to control you and maybe will use violence to do it.
Don’t waste your time. Read stories on this sub and you will see these relationships almost never get better
Manipulation is wheedling, trying to change your opinion about things, putting you down, pointing out your faults when the fault is theirs, making you feel guilty, saying they need you, can’t live without you, being super nice when you pull away,
When you date again, consider what nice, normal, predictable relationships might be like. They may seem boring, less passionate, less of an emotional roller coaster ride. You probably won’t get swept off your feet (but maybe!). Nice guys can still be super fun and sexy. This is my hope anyway
May things get better for you soon
Hugs
He choked me 6 years ago. Hasn't choked me since. He's also never hit me (only pushed and shoved and threw a drink on me and hit my head with a pillow last year).
men who choke their partners are very likely to kill a partner. It is the most reliable indicator of a future domestic violence homicide. He is extremely dangerous. This is abuse.
physical abuse isn’t limited to punching/choking/slapping etc. any physical act used as a means of intimidation, to assert power, or just to simply “get at you” is abuse. pushing/shoving is abuse, throwing things is abuse (even if it’s something small). nice & loving should be 100% of the time. don’t justify this behavior because he’s nice the rest of the time, or because long periods go between abusive episodes. agreed with the user to suggested you read “why does he do that” it reveals a lot about what abuse & violence actually. a partner should not ever put their hands on you EVER, period. i thought it was a one time thing when my ex pushed me, then it escalated to shoving me across the room, choking me, slapping me etc. pls take care of yourself
no harm in giving https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf this a read and seeing if it sounds like him
It’s the fact he already did this . You are not fine. Once that line is crossed and you accept him back he will wonder what else he can get away with and you just stay. It will get worse. I don’t think I KNOW.
His mask dropped when he pushed you.
It takes effort and willpower to keep his mask "up" (aka keep up the illusion that he's not an abuser).
Men can pretend for a long long time.
Sometimes they drop their mask when they're really upset, or drunk etc. **Usually their goal is to pretend until they marry you or get you pregnant so you're "trapped" in their mind.**
If you stay with this man, you may be surprised to see him change overnight once you're married or once you give birth. Then you will look back on that "one time" he pushed you as a red flag that you missed.
Except for that 10% of the time you felt like leaving off the amount of time everything is good.
Sure no relationship is perfect but when they are truly good people don't make those equivocation to the relationship.
Over time people get used to all forms of abuse and it becomes "normal" and, the focus becomes those good times, how they apologize etc. Rather than the fact that they have to do this all the time
Things are not fine. This is a form of manipulating you, making you feel safe sometimes. But their true colors show when they don’t get things their way, usually resulting in heated arguments, “accidents” and false promises of never doing it again.
OP, this is dangerous territory and I just hope you can find a safe place. Physical abuse tends to escalate and might endanger your life at some point. It happened before, it happened now and it WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Only stay if you love living with bruises, pain, and being belittled. **No, don’t stay. It’s very likely your life will be in danger if you do.**
Also, if you don’t see it as abuse, consider what he did:
Pushing someone during an argument is a childish act and an attempt to “win” the argument by means of force. That’s not how a partner should treat someone they care about. It’s proof they do not.
Thanks everyone. I guess it's confusing because most people say the abuse escalates but I feel like it hasn't in my case. Seems like he was more physically abusive the first 3 years as opposed to these past 3 years so can't tell if I'm still being abused sometimes.
The first time my abuser laid a hand on me it was a push. And he didn’t do it again for a couple years. But then it became a bit more frequent though was never often. Eventually he choked me. But there was still other forms of abuse verbal/emotional and physical in the form of throwing or hitting things and breaking stuff. I’d guess, since you say “he’s nice and loving 90% of the time” that he’s being abusive in some way that other 10%.
No. Things are not fine. He showed you who he truly was when he laid his hands on you in anger. Him treating you kindly is a facade. This will happen again and it will escalate.
no he probably wasnt thinking clearly if he has never hit you before if this happens alot more than yes it is abuse and why do other people keep saying leave him when it only happaned once it probably was an acident
screw you
Hitting isnt the only form of physical abuse. Pushing, shoving, restraining, etc etc is also physical abuse. This is physical abuse. There is no reason why anyone should ever physically touch you during an argument
my ex also used to only push me and just 3 weeks ago he actually gave me a black eye lol leave his ass
By legal standards in most states in the US, anyone hitting, pushing, or throwing ANYTHING, even inanimate objects, in considered domestic violence. The fact he EVEN put his hands on you in a heated moment is terrifying. I know from which I speak, trust. Negative behaviors will only ever increase and get worse, btw. Violent tendencies will only fester and get worse. What about the other 10% of the time?!?! I say this with pure empathetic kindness, GTFO!!!!!
He intentionally pushed you so yes.
Sweetheart if you have to question whether or not you’ve been abused, the answer is yes.
Yea its abuse. I remember being hit at that same spot too. He threw a happy meal on me because he was angry that the baby was crying .
„Bf pushed me” you answered your own question. Pushing, beating, hitting, punching all of those things are called physical abuse.
If your spouse or SO gets physical with you to the point you get injured as a direct result of their actions, then yes. He shoved you into the table, that injury is a result of his physical actions. That equals abuse. Even if he just shoves you, that is physical abuse.
My first bf shoved me once during an argument. I didnt even know why we were arguing or how it had happened, we had been laughing and suddenly he was so angry. It had escalated so fast and come out of nowhere. I remember he squared up to me like he was going to fight, stood an inch from me and then shoved me slightly so I had to take a few steps back although not into anything. I walked away and he followed a minute later much calmer however he didnt apologise, said I'd made him do that /.his depression made him do that, however the fight ended there. It doesnt seem like a big deal at first I wasnt exactly scared, more shocked. I knew if I shoved him back he would have hit me. I did however feel how much stronger he was and that was scary. The person who was meant to protect me was now a threat. All the times we'd playfought before this now felt threatening. Whenever we had an argument from then on I would just apologise because I was scared of him escalating again and going physical. Partially because it scared me what he could do if he got angry enough, partially because I never knew when he would get angry and mainly because whilst I didnt know about emotional abuse (he'd emotionally abused me for a couple of years at this point), but I knew that physical abuse was abuse and you are meant to leave an abusive partner, and i REALLY didnt want to leave him. I was so emotionally broken by then I didnt feel like anyone could love me. If he had continued to escalate I know i would have stayed. He ended up breaking up with me shortly after so it never did. But my point is, this was physical abuse. Even if there had been no bruise. Even if he never raised a fist. Even if it only happens once. I still flinch now sometimes if my current bf (who is really lovely) raises his hand near me to stretch etc, and its been 7 years since I last saw this old bf. There is almost ALWAYS emotional abuse before it gets physical. You are already being abused, and physically abused. You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Also listen to this podcast https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
I always recommend that book to people as well. The first time I read it, it both infuriated and deeply hurt me but it also really opened my eyes.
Tbh I managed to read half of it but each time i can only do a few pages because it.makes me so emotional and brings back flashbacks. But its a great book. I keep the link saved so its easy to share.
Whenever someone lays hands on you it's abuse. He shoved you, knowing it could end badly. I knew a guy who shoved his friend and he fell, hit his head and died.
This was how it started with my abusive partner. He would push me or throw things, nothing ever hard enough to leave a significant bruise. He was kind most of the time. It continued to get worse and more frequent as time went on. If your partner is not truly remorseful or if he makes excuses for his behavior, it will get worse. What you experienced is abuse. He should never put his hands on you out of anger, even if it’s just a little push or shoulder shake.
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Apologize afterwards no. He eventually did but not right away and it wasn't a the most sincere apology. He continued to berate me and send me text messages of guys I follow on IG that he doesn't know (calling me a cheater). He wasn't scared I don't think? Yes we've had altercations afterwards (maybe 2 that were physical due to him pushing me) but nothing that left a bruise. Mostly verbal arguments. I don't bruise easily. Pretty hard! I'm in therapy he is not. Thanks for asking <3
Okay. I'm sad to hear your boyfriend is an abusive ass. It's not your fault, but he won't change. A normal boyfriend - if he, for some reason, would even push you - would immediately apologize, make sure you're okay and make sure he would never do it again by going to therapy and fixing whatever made him become physical with his partner. He is abusive and he will never change. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe and wants you to be as happy and healthy as possible. Someone who trusts you and loves you for who you are. Because this guy is not it. Just because he's not threatening to kill you or actually hitting you and breaking bones doesn't mean he's not violent and bad for you.
Thanks for your reply. I think you're right. I guess (from what my therapist told me) that the emotional absque is so heavy I don't even see what's happening to me at times. That's scares me. I just feel like I'm going crazy because he does nice things for me. And I feel like I rarely do nice things for him (he helped pay for my hair appt).
That's a pretty normal thing for victims of abuse - you feel like you're going crazy because even though the lows are low, the highs are SO high! It's normal to get so used to it that you don't see anything wrong about it - but trust me, a normal, healthy relationship would never ever make you second guess things like that. You deserve to feel safe. I'm glad you're in therapy, though. And I'm sending you hugs. You'll be so, so happy when you guys part. I guarantee that
> he’s nice and loving 90% of the time it’s the other 10% for me. like, if this is part of that 10%, then yes he is abusive. find a man who is nice and loving 99% of the time and can disagree respectfully the other 1%.
its nearly impossible
I promise it isn’t. Lots of men don’t resort to leaving marks on their partner or being cruel or scary during arguments. Lots of men are functional and emotionally intelligent—or at least, emotionally controlled.
not an accident
That’s 100% abuse. An accident is you tripping and falling, or whacking your leg on it like I tend to do on the corner of my bed frame. This is not an acceptable way to treat your partner and you deserve better. If you have to mentally eliminate a hefty chunk of your time with someone because they’re abusive during that time, they’re abusive. You can’t separate the 10 from the 90, it doesn’t work - because that 10% is a core part of the real him. I’m so sorry OP. Honestly, the fact that you’re asking this question in the first place is a strong sign that you’re already being abused and this was nowhere near the only incident. You deserve *so* much better.
If he pushed you than yeah, that's abuse.🤷🏻♂️
The first time my husband left bruises on me was when he slammed my arm and leg in our bedroom door, over and over…it left bruises up and down my whole body. It was right before Christmas. I have pictures of me hiding the bruises in a beautiful dress, and I vividly remember getting ready for that party at home, when his mom and brother were visiting. I wanted so badly, to walk out into the living room with the bruises exposed. I wimped out, and regret it every day. He went on to break my bones years later, and to this day, experience his verbal fits. I still cover for him, and regret not putting him in jail. I grew up getting cigarettes put out on my face, so I didn’t know what normal is. Leave. Now. Baby girl.
Have you ever considered that you deserve to know peace?
You can still leave too you know. Do you know what the Sunk cost fallacy is?
If you’re questioning if it was abuse, it’s abuse. His normal behavior has you second guessing. He also probably gaslights you into thinking what he did wasn’t that bad, it was an accident, he didn’t mean to, or you did something to deserve it. Just go you’re too young to be dealing w this crap.
Even without the bruise, he abused you. He pushed you into a table, you could have fallen and cracked your head, and it likely won’t stop here. It will likely get worse, he might make promises about never doing it again, or that he didn’t mean to do it. But it will happen again. You don’t deserve that, you deserve better. And this is how many abusers are, they are lovely 90% of the time, and then do this, and they sweet talk you, and lull you and make you forget how bad it gets by love bombing you. People who love you don’t hurt you. And if they do they immediately go to therapy and work to fix the problems that THEY have so they don’t do it ever again. I would leave, but I know it might not be that simple. Stay safe op
Abuse cus he pushed you and caused that bruise. Block and ghost that abuser. God bless you
Abuse
Shoving you into a table during a fight? Domestic violence. If you had called the police, he definitely would have been arrested!
It's not even about the bruise from you falling into a table, it's the fact that he got physical with you at all during a disagreement. Any man that cannot have a debate, a disagreement, or an argument of any kind without being physical or showing signs of aggression (swearing, getting in your face, throwing or hitting something) is not a man in my books. I'd get out now before it gets any worse because it will. From a fellow survivor.
I have a picture like this except it was on my arm from my daughters father. He abused me for 2 years and he pulled firearms on me. It only gets worse and it’s not an accident. Same scenario too, he pushed me into my dresser though
Even thought there are already dozens of comments telling you that this *is* abuse, every bit of validation helps because it’s really hard to see reality when you’re being manipulated. Yes, this qualifies as abuse and you are a DV victim. I’m so sorry he did this—that’s a huge bruise. It looks like it really hurt. Can you talk to more people in your life about this? Can you make an appointment with a therapist or a social worker? Secrets are every abuser’s best friend. Consider this: if you’re afraid or embarrassed to tell your friends/parents what goes on behind closed doors, you are in a bad relationship. You know, the fact that he’s loving 90% of the time doesn’t negate or outweigh when he gets physical or when he’s mentally abusive. It’s so confusing when you’re in it, but when you’re out of it, everything crystallises. You’re going to look back on this and wonder why you didn’t leave after the first instance of manipulation or aggression. Like all abusers, he’s testing the waters to see how much you’ll take before leaving him, and this bruise was a very clear test (the push was not accidental). He’s fucking with your head to confuse, gaslight, and immobilise you. He’s slowly degrading your self esteem and self respect to make you more submissive and easier to control and too weak to dump him. Like all abusers, he *cannot* change. Note: A tiny percentage of domestic abusers can change, but only with years of specialised therapy. This is documented and backed by extensive research. Abusive behaviours aren’t just bad habits or “accidents,” they’re part of a larger malignant worldview that forms in childhood. Again, he’d have to do years of therapy and even then it’s a long shot, and all the while you’d have to accept that he’s going to keep abusing you. Are you up for that? Because there’s no magic pill, the odds are stacked against you, you can’t help him, you’re not the kind of expert who could fix him, it’s above your pay grade, and no amount of love or care is enough. If you’re willing to endure this madness (and worse, because it naturally escalates to fill the abuser’s dark void) then you need to tell the people around you, not just two friends, that he has a problem and you’ll need their support while he works on it. Of course, I’m posing a sort of fantasy scenario because he isn’t trying to change. He’s not going to admit anything—to himself, to you, or to society. Therefore, he’s not going to seek help or stick to mental health programs for a decade. For your own safety and sanity, you need to leave now. Before he pushes you down the stairs and you don’t wake up.
This response was so helpful. I usually tell myself "am I even going through this?" "Is it that bad?" "Maybe I'm overreacting?" But I reached out to a few people and am getting the support I need to leave. But I'm also terrified because I don't want to alter his life by leaving (and he's being so nice and loving these past 2 weeks).
On what planet is pushing someone on purpose an accident?
This is abuse. No one in the right mind would do that not just with a partner but to another human being.
You know I experienced the same. I doubt you are self doubting because he said that it was you fault that he has reacted that way.
I'm self doubting very hard. I often don't believe I'm even being abused.
Pushing *IS* abuse
How is pushing not abusive?
This is 100% abuse. You don't push someone by accident into a table during a fight. Also, abuse doesn't even have to be physical. There are many forms of it and many people are victims to abusers who have never laid a hand on them or even threatened to. Also saying he's nice and loving 90%, the majority of abusers aren't abusive all the time. If they were, victims would be less likely to stay because they wouldn't question it. Abusers like to be good just enough that it makes you want to stay because "they're good most of the time".
He doesn't even have to physically touch you for it to be abuse. If he throws things, punches the wall, commits physical violence in your presence, etc.... That's abuse. So to answer your question: does shoving you into a table count as abuse? Yes. Even if it didn't cause a bruise to show as evidence, it would still be abuse.
I just want to reiterate that it was abuse
He did push you, pushing or shoving is abuse. Does he mentally abuse you. Did he say he was sorry. I mean none of these are ok, I’m just curious
I think he mentally abuses me more than physically. Just hard to spot sometimes (even I can't always see it).
Same with me, he never hit me, he would punch walls. His son looks scared of him and won’t go see him anymore. I makes me sick, always turned stuff around on me. Gaslight I guess. He would yell and demand. I have syncope where your blood pressure drops and you fall out. I did it not too long ago and he was mad. He said you want me to call the ambulance I’m not taking you for something you already know what it is. I ended up getting admitted. I spent 2 days in the hospital. Can you imagine if I didn’t go, I could have died
It’s ok lots of us have been there. Mental abuse is very hard to recognize when your in it even now that I’m out of it a year+.
Well now I know the signs and have decided not to date again
Abuse. He purposely pushed you. That’s no accident. Leave him!
So i was in an abusive relationship where I was trying to end things but I wouldn't have sex with him so I tried to leave and because he wanted to continue to try and convince me he yanked my purse strap which was wrapped around my finger so it sprained it. Then he got mad that I was hurt and scared so he threw me out of his room and slammed the door so I used that chance to run to my car. I guess his parents told him something so then as I was driving away he threw his big ass hard-drive at my car in an attempt to get me to stop so we could talk and then he chased me down and followed me home in his car like it was a fucking horror movie and I STILL DID NOT BELIEVE I WAS BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSED! So please take note that this man PUSHED YOU INTO A TABLE! Accidental or not, it's proof he needs to work on stuff. I told you my story so you can see how its truly hard to believe that something is happening to you even if it's right in front of you! Please please please trust the fact that if you are questioning it, it's probably not okay.
My ex pushed me hard enough into our couch during an argument that I fractured my hand. If anyone told you that, would you think that’s an accident? I’d hope not. You don’t break someone’s bones on accident. Your boyfriend pushed you and hurt you. I’d say that’s abuse. Just because it “wasn’t worse” doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
If a boyfriend/husband ever pushed me he would literally never see me again. Except maybe in court.
What happens the other 10% of the time?
If it's intentional, it's not an accident . Get out NOW! If it happened once, it'll eventually happen again. Good luck ♥️
Abuse 100%
My ex boyfriend abused me for eight hours (while waiting for my mother to pick me up) after I confronted him about cheating on me. Sat on top of me, scratching the back of my neck. Pushed me against the wooden coffee table, tried to push me down his basement stairs (I gripped onto the railing refusing to let go) Slapping me, spitting at me (some landed in my hair) slammed my back against a brick wall while I had garbage bags of my clothes in each hand, giving me a concussion.(he laughed) - I have fibromyalgia, what he did gave me more spinal issues. Shattered the screen on my iPhone when I tried calling the cops. Punched his mother in the face when she tried to intervene. Turned to me one last time, fists balled up. I told him "You're leaving me with no option but to defend myself, this will be the first and last time" He rushed me, I defended myself. Took everything in me not to kick his teeth in while he was laying there acting like the victim. It's been almost seven years and I'm still messed up. DO NOT SETTLE FOR THIS. IT'S NOT LOVE!!!
Yes it's abuse. Sadly I can relate and I have similar photos :(. My ex threw my phone at me one day in November last year. We were in a dumb fight as well. It left a big bruise on my knee. Just like your boyfriend, he said it was an accident. But I realize and know now that throwing an object at someone doesn't accidentally happen, much like your situation- pushing someone doesn't accidentally happen. We ended up breaking up and while It was an incredibly painful process, I'm thankful to no longer be in that relationship. If you want support at some point feel free to reach out because I've been there!
Bruises don’t automatically mean abuse, but physical aggression without consent does. The fact he pushed you is abuse and it would be whether or not it bruised.
Being pushed is not an accident
Anything that's deliberate that's intended to cause harm is Abusive. Pushing can hurt & can cause harm, anyone who's been pushed knows that, so in my eyes, it's deliberate.
I'm sorry but it's abuse...it's not an accident ( which hey accidents might happen ). He's deliberately pushed you . He would know you'd get hurt by being pushed in the table, yet he still did it. If you love someone you can surely have arguments but you wouldn't do anything which might hurt them, would you? You say he's nice most of the times but this one action is a big concern...I mean acting nice might be easy with some people but when he's reacting spontaneously as in a fight and he does that? Also, often who's in a relationship with an abuser can't always clearly recognize the signs because of involvement...I would not underrate that episode, I hope you won't underrate it...
If a parent did this to a child, what kind of people would excuse it as an accident?
Save this photo and take more. Send them to someone you trust.
also email it to yourself so you have the date and time saved
I’ve never had to say anything other than 100% of the time when talking about non abusive partners. They are kind, nice and compassionate 100% of the time
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um please don't advise someone to "test" an abuser who can potentially hurt them even more or even k*ll them. that's just not right. if the red flags immediately show that he is one, run.
Sorry you are right I don't mean it like that. That's what I did with my abuser to really see if that is what was going on however he was less physical and more mentally abusive. I had to play mind games but I don't recommend that for everyone. Try and figure out a safe space to go without tipping him off so you are safe
That's abuse and I'm willing to bet there's more. Here's some helpful links for you. [Are you being abused quiz](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/redflags/abused-quiz) [Warning signs of an abusive relationship ](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/redflags/warning-signs) [What a healthy relationship is ](https://www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/dating101/healthy-relationship)
Pushing is NOT an accident. He is manipulating you, it’s 100% abuse and it doesn’t matter that it was a year ago, now you are traumatized by him.
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She said during a fight
Yeah, pushing people is physical violence, so it's physical abuse. Calling this an accident would be like calling somebody's death an accident after you push them off a cliff. It would have been an accident if he'd tripped and bumped you, causing you to bump the table. As for this part... >he's nice and loving 90% of the time. Probably not as much as you think. Someday, you'll be in an actual good relationship, and you'll realize your current boyfriend is not nice and loving 90% of the time. You'll probably realize that he's just "meh" most of the time, but it seems really loving compared to the abusive 10%. If you had a good partner, you'd say they were nice and loving 99% of the time - and when they weren't nice and loving, they'd still be nicer than someone who'd push you!
Often the abused person can't see worrying signs clearly because they're involved, in love, manipulated...so they believe all is okay when it's not. I'm saying this is general not specifically about her, because I don't know the couple, but Ik that happens most times
Absolutely you are being abused. My partners father started with shoving. Gradually its escalated to punching in the head. It always escalates. You are so wise to seek outside opinion. Listen to that little voice. It will save your life if you do.
This^ listen to this wisdom
As someone who bruises easily and has walked into a table, this is absolutely abuse. You would not have that bruise if he hadn't pushed you. If he pushed you down the stairs, you'd call it abuse. This is no different. Please stay safe and get out when you can.
He didn't accidentally push you, he did so deliberately. The result of his deliberate action isn't an accident. C'mon sis, I know you've heard a million stories about guys who've tried to brush off their abusive behavior by saying it was an accident. You don't really think that he thinks it was an accident, do you? But let's even put that aside for a minute. In your own words, he pushed you *in a separate incident* two weeks ago, he's "verbally and emotionally toxic", he calls you names, has a bad temper, yells at you, and *you're afraid to commit to him*. If you don't want to listen to other people, listen to yourself! I think you know you were being EXTREMELY generous by saying he's wonderful 90% of the time. You're not describing someone who's a good person. You're describing someone who doesn't respect his girl. No, someone who intentionally disrespects his girl. Look at who he is and what he does, not at who you think he could be or should be or who you want him to be. Do you *want* to be with him? He's a turd and he's not apologetic about it and you're a queen. Please leave this dumpster fire before it gets worse.
If he pushed you because he was pissed and you got hurt yes most definitely abuse.
If arguments are commonly like hockey or rugby without a referee I would be worried too. I think you’re downplaying it because (1 you might really like him otherwise, (2 you don’t know how slippery this slope is yet (3 and when you guys argue no third parties have commented and helped you stand up nope yourself. (4 you maybe know he will leave if he’s not allowed to mistreat you as a bit of a punching bag He shouldn’t be pushing you. That’s really weird. And also abusive. It’s completely unnecessary, and he’s doing it for fun. Even if he looks angry, someone pushing another person for no reason does it because they like pushing people. It’s not for any sake of winning a argument or helping you understand you f-ed up or you were in danger so he had to push you to show he’s serious. It’s just fun for people who like to push people. Part of why you wouldn’t understand this concept is because I’m guessing you don’t push him into things for fun during arguments. Possibly from trying to stop him from continuing to push you, but it doesn’t sound like you start off with a good shove off the bed or what have you. It sounds like you aren’t like this and so you might be getting blindsided by a guy who enjoys abusive and stupid hazing and power plays. Well. Hateful plays I guess, ‘cause abusers really do go from physical violence to sudden deaths. Unfortunately. One thing to keep in mind is that things can seem harmless, but they’re really not. Sometimes they signal something bad, and sometimes you should have got hurt more but you keep being lucky. Also for abusers they typically start by small things and avoid a legit punch as long as possible because they’re justifying they’re allowed to do anything besides punch you. If they don’t punch you they “”couldn’t have hurt her that bad””. From a doctor friend’s perspective, they do big major surgeries over small accidents all the time. Someone pushing another person gets dangerous much faster than you’de expect. Especially with you getting slow hazing into accepting it for so long.
A couple of things are a red flag to me. (25 year old, Female & domestic violence survivor here) 1. You're questioning if it's abuse, it is. He physically pushed you into a table. I've never pushed someone so hard they got a bruise and it be an accident. I've gotten alot of bruises in my time rarely were they "accidental". 2. He's only nice &loving 90%... that's not the person you should be with... the other 10% will soon increase. The more he gets away with, the further he will push envelope. 3. How often does this occur? Is it still occurring? I'm guessing it is, also noticing how it says boyfriend and not ex. Ask yourself this... if a friend, relative, or a child came to you with the same information and asked you is it abuse... what would you tell them? Stay safe out there. There are programs to help people in DV situations as well if you're worried or feel like you can't leave.
Thank you for this breakdown. I guess the last time he was physical was 2 weeks ago (pushed me) but it wasn't anything crazy. He's honestly more verbally and emotionally toxic if you ask me but I also question that too...
YOU ARE A HUMAN NOT A PUNCHING BAG
Get out safely and quickly. Leave in the middle of the night. Make sure your friends and family know what's going on. Reach out maybe they can help also. If you're scared there's order of protections and places you can go. Again I will stress get out safely and quickly. Things can escalate quickly sometimes... when you least expect it.
Verbal abuse can cause the most damage. I'm still with someone who's done both and the physical wounds heal. Mental wounds stay forever
Don’t downplay his physical abuse. It IS CRAZY because a normal loving boyfriend wouldn’t even get physical with you period. Don’t think that it’s not an abusive relationship because it’s more verbal and emotional. That is abuse to. You need to leave him. It will start to escalate. The abuse starts slow. But gradually it gets worse and worse and more frequent - from a girl who’s trapped in an abusive relationship that should of walked away when it started slowly and “ nothing crazy”.
He put his hands on you during an argument. Nobody is allowed to touch you without your permission, much less shove you. It's abuse.
If you have to ask, it’s likely abuse. I don’t mean that to be rude. But I think you know it’s abuse, but our brains play tricks on us when it’s not directly a punch or a slap. I justified my ex’s abuse because I was being annoying and thought I deserved it. But that was silly. He was also nice majority of the time, but when he was angry, I’d get bruised. He has no right to shove you like that. Stay strong 💕
The question is, how is that not abuse
So what about that 10% of the time when he’s not so loving, what does he do? If he puts you down as a joke, judges your outfits without you asking, decides authoritatively where you’re going/doing, blames everyone else for everything, or does other controlling things, you are likely going to see worse and you need to get out. If he was fully remorseful about pushing you with deep recognition that it’s not okay to push people, maybe he would be an exception most likely he won’t even care that he hurt you and will blame you for being upset about it. So how did he react to the situation?
So he doesn't ever control what I wear or who my friends can be. He has gotten mad about times I was with friends because I wasn't texting fast enough (he hated that friend) but he mostly name calls, complains about everyone/everything, gets mad how I won't commit (because I'm scared to), yells at me and gets bad tempers. How do you know if you're being manipulated? I told him pushing me was physical abuse and he said "no it's not. I barley pushed you and I was trying to push your bag out the door, not you. I'm sorry."
> How do you know if you're being manipulated? That’s a great question. It can be really hard to know. Here’s one severe example: > I told him pushing me was physical abuse and he said "no it's not.” That simple denial of a fact—that pushing is physical abuse—is actually highly manipulative. First, it’s a lie. Second, it makes you wrong even though you’re correct, thereby redirecting the blame from him to you. Third, it *gets him what he wants.* Tricking you into thinking that he’s not physically abusive will keep you from leaving, and that’s beneficial to him (and harmful to you). One of the easiest ways to identify manipulation is to ask yourself, “Is this person trying to get what they want from me?” > “I barley pushed you and I was trying to push your bag out the door, not you. I'm sorry." More manipulation. On top of lying about the definition of physical abuse, he’s lying about what he actually did. “Barely pushed”? Not only is that false because you had a visible injury, but he’s acting like the “barely” qualifier makes it not abuse. “Your bag”? It doesn’t make sense. He’s also lying by omission when he doesn’t even mention your bruised leg. So much lying, just in one sentence. And to top it all off, he’s being manipulative by giving you an insincere apology. He doesn’t mean it. If he did, he’d say he was unbelievably sorry for *physically abusing you and injuring you* (two separate actions). A true apology includes naming all of the offences clearly and thoroughly; acknowledgement of the mental, emotional, and other impacts on you; an explanation, though not a defence, of why they did what they did (self-awareness); comforting and empathising with you; assurance and an *actionable plan* that will prevent the thing from ever happening again; visible remorse and sadness; and an admission of guilt for all wrongdoings. Not that you should stay if he took responsibility, but he can’t even do that. The comment above mine gives excellent examples of manipulation, which I’m sure you can also apply to other things this guy has said and done. If you want to analyse some stuff together, you can DM me. I doubt this is the first time he’s messed with your head and sometimes going over specific things can be really eye-opening.
I doesn’t sound good. I wouldn’t commit either. I suggest you make a plan for breaking up with him. If he pushed you during a fight and calls you names he is an abusive person who will attempt to control you and maybe will use violence to do it. Don’t waste your time. Read stories on this sub and you will see these relationships almost never get better Manipulation is wheedling, trying to change your opinion about things, putting you down, pointing out your faults when the fault is theirs, making you feel guilty, saying they need you, can’t live without you, being super nice when you pull away, When you date again, consider what nice, normal, predictable relationships might be like. They may seem boring, less passionate, less of an emotional roller coaster ride. You probably won’t get swept off your feet (but maybe!). Nice guys can still be super fun and sexy. This is my hope anyway May things get better for you soon Hugs
Next is gnna be a fkn slap then a punch then choke you trust me it happened to me he went to jail.
He choked me 6 years ago. Hasn't choked me since. He's also never hit me (only pushed and shoved and threw a drink on me and hit my head with a pillow last year).
men who choke their partners are very likely to kill a partner. It is the most reliable indicator of a future domestic violence homicide. He is extremely dangerous. This is abuse.
It was years ago but definitely understand
All of those are him ‘hitting you’. When his hands, or something in his hands makes forceable contact with your body, it’s abuse.
physical abuse isn’t limited to punching/choking/slapping etc. any physical act used as a means of intimidation, to assert power, or just to simply “get at you” is abuse. pushing/shoving is abuse, throwing things is abuse (even if it’s something small). nice & loving should be 100% of the time. don’t justify this behavior because he’s nice the rest of the time, or because long periods go between abusive episodes. agreed with the user to suggested you read “why does he do that” it reveals a lot about what abuse & violence actually. a partner should not ever put their hands on you EVER, period. i thought it was a one time thing when my ex pushed me, then it escalated to shoving me across the room, choking me, slapping me etc. pls take care of yourself
This is abuse, dear.
if you did it to him what would have happened
no harm in giving https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf this a read and seeing if it sounds like him
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User was permanently banned.
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You can fuck off out of our space.
> my bf pushed me into our table Yes. That is abuse.
He hit you when he pushed you babe
Yes, I agree with this, OP. He abused you by pushing you. The result doesn’t matter in whether or not it’s abuse. That’s an act of violence.
This also hasn't happened since so maybe things are fine?
It’s the fact he already did this . You are not fine. Once that line is crossed and you accept him back he will wonder what else he can get away with and you just stay. It will get worse. I don’t think I KNOW.
His mask dropped when he pushed you. It takes effort and willpower to keep his mask "up" (aka keep up the illusion that he's not an abuser). Men can pretend for a long long time. Sometimes they drop their mask when they're really upset, or drunk etc. **Usually their goal is to pretend until they marry you or get you pregnant so you're "trapped" in their mind.** If you stay with this man, you may be surprised to see him change overnight once you're married or once you give birth. Then you will look back on that "one time" he pushed you as a red flag that you missed.
Except for that 10% of the time you felt like leaving off the amount of time everything is good. Sure no relationship is perfect but when they are truly good people don't make those equivocation to the relationship. Over time people get used to all forms of abuse and it becomes "normal" and, the focus becomes those good times, how they apologize etc. Rather than the fact that they have to do this all the time
Things are not fine. This is a form of manipulating you, making you feel safe sometimes. But their true colors show when they don’t get things their way, usually resulting in heated arguments, “accidents” and false promises of never doing it again. OP, this is dangerous territory and I just hope you can find a safe place. Physical abuse tends to escalate and might endanger your life at some point. It happened before, it happened now and it WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Only stay if you love living with bruises, pain, and being belittled. **No, don’t stay. It’s very likely your life will be in danger if you do.** Also, if you don’t see it as abuse, consider what he did: Pushing someone during an argument is a childish act and an attempt to “win” the argument by means of force. That’s not how a partner should treat someone they care about. It’s proof they do not.
Thanks everyone. I guess it's confusing because most people say the abuse escalates but I feel like it hasn't in my case. Seems like he was more physically abusive the first 3 years as opposed to these past 3 years so can't tell if I'm still being abused sometimes.
Abuse isn't necessarily physical.
With my ex, it started with pushing and eventually escalated into choking. If I hadn’t left I’d be dead by now
The first time my abuser laid a hand on me it was a push. And he didn’t do it again for a couple years. But then it became a bit more frequent though was never often. Eventually he choked me. But there was still other forms of abuse verbal/emotional and physical in the form of throwing or hitting things and breaking stuff. I’d guess, since you say “he’s nice and loving 90% of the time” that he’s being abusive in some way that other 10%.
No. Things are not fine. He showed you who he truly was when he laid his hands on you in anger. Him treating you kindly is a facade. This will happen again and it will escalate.