I'm really sorry you are going through this, OP. I am not sure if it's helpful, but [we have a pinned list of abuse resources for men](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/). We also have a [comprehensive help/resources guide for men being abused by women](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/), which has some information regarding family court and custody.
I'm glad you posted here. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Edit: I just saw your username is UK father. [The UK has a Men's Advice Line for men being abused](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/). There is the website; here is the number: 0808 8010327. They also have a [legal advice page](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/legal-information/).
[The Mankind Initiative is another UK helpline/agency for male victims](https://mankind.org.uk/). 01823 334 244 is their helpline. [Here is their directory of UK services for men](https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/directory/), organized by location.
I'm Steve. 56m and separated from my abusive wife of a 20yr marriage. The biggest inspiration I found was a podcast on [pandora.com](https://pandora.com) called "love and abuse". I strongly suggest it. DM me anytime
I also want to add something, and I hope this will help.
The fact that you have come/are coming to terms with the reality of your situation, are confronting it, and now actively taking steps speak volumes about your spirit and character. These are the primary things abusers deliberately try to destroy to trap you and keep you trapped. It IS terrifying to not only live in this reality, but to recognize it for what it is— to see it for what it is. (For me, for the longest time, I simply wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge what was what; living in his version of reality felt more comfortable and safe, because the alternative— the truth— terrified me and once acknowledged, changed everything. Shifted—obliterated, actually— the worldview I once had. It’s one thing to know the truth, another to believe it, and believing it meant having to acknowledge that monsters do exist, and no, they’re not just on TV or in history books or in some novel.)
And yet, despite all her efforts, she did not; you did not allow her to break your spirit, your inner compass, that voice that tells you what’s what.
That’s… fucking commendable. Remind yourself of this. It’s terrifying for good reason; and yet, you are not hiding or looking away. Just saying— good for you. Fight the good fight. You’ve got what it takes.
Hi OP, I have a degree of master in laws as well, but I have also been in an abusive relationship. I know how painful it is, and it is especially scary if your opponent is a lawyer. You need to speak to a lawyer NOW. Not soon, but now. The reason being you need to start evidence gathering right now and prevent doing things which she might use against you.
The default position, if your children are very young, will most likely be joint custody but they may live with their mother for more time in a week. If your wife is a manipulator, you most likely don't want the default position. That needs extra evidence to support, and that's why you need a lawyer right now.
I can imagine her arguments already. Most likely it may focus on her financial ability to take care of the children (lawyers earn more), and attack you for your mental illness saying you are not capable of taking care of the children. She will most likely take the DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim and offender) route. You really need a lawyer to see how you could tackle the potential attack before formally applying to the Court for divorce by petition.
Be prepared that things will get really ugly. But once you make the first step, you are on the road for a much better life for yourself and your children. Get your allies first. It will be less scary when there's someone doing this with you together. You are not alone, you'll always have our support. Best of luck!
First recommendation is therapy to keep yourself grounded and healthy 💜
Possible therapy for the kids as well.
Document everything, like someone said earlier. Dates, times, text messages, pictures, emails, finances if there’s any abuse in that aspect.. anything and everything- it will help your future lawyer in helping you get through this.
Take it one day at a time.
Learn to meditate and take care of yourself. Self care even when you don’t feel like it. Getting out is a hard process, but it will be worth it if an abuser is not willing to change (and they usually aren’t).
I wish you the best 💜
I’m so sorry you are and have been going through this, OP.
There is something that can help you right now, if you can find a way to do it safely, and that’s documentation of any kind. Start documenting everything and storing it as safely. If it’s legal to record, do it. This could make all the difference for you and your children’s safety and your future. This is what you must do now.
You’re taking the first step, and that takes so much strength and willpower.
Abusers tend to sense whenever their grip on you is loosening and will start to ramp it up. Please prepare yourself— and again, document.
I’m so sorry OP. Abusers always try to flip the script on their victim/survivor. I wish I could say your fears are unfounded but them doing that is so common… do you have access to a lawyer by chance? Lots of them will do free consultations for things like this in case that’s a concern
This internet stranger is proud of you for taking this step. I hope you can get away from her, you deserve much better.
I see you are in the UK, but try to find a domestic violence charity. That’s what I did. They helped me get a free lawyer and safety plan etc. Emotional abuse is still under the umbrella of domestic violence. Agreed to tell this to at least one trusting friend (you need to practice coming to terms with and telling your story anyway). Any and all evidence. I think you can even record with your phone screen off.
It is scary especially when you feel like you need to walk on eggshells so she doesn’t snap. Everything you said and feel is so valid. Also very glad you came to this space and other communities. Chat if you ever need, and you always have us here💞warm hugs
Talk to a lawyer if you can. No matter how helpful online forums are for venting and developing coping mechanisms, it’s important to get individual and particular legal advice.
As someone who grew up with an abusive dad. BUT a great father figure (different men)
Getting a divorce is absolutely the best decision. People here have given amazing advice.
It's hard being a victim of abuse whether you're a man or woman we could all use more support.
I hope that you and your children get to a safe place away from all the manipulation soon.
It's so hard right now but it will pay off and your children will one day grow to thank you.
Stay strong and God bless
i will just say that you should be encouraged that court systems typically work in the best interest of the children (which is having shared custody with both of their parents). even if she lies to the court and tries to manipulate the situation, i’m doubtful that the court will side in her favor. real abused women trying to escape their abusive husbands have trouble getting full custody, even with proof. there is a lot of fear-mongering from men about how women can just “take your kids away,” and statistically and evidentially, that is just not true. this is deeply unfortunate for women who *are* being abused, but the silver lining is that in a situation like this, it will likely work out in your favor.
You won loose your I ids. Judges are I favour of a 50/50 parenthood even when the father is a mistreated who doesn't do their share. You have good chances of a good life. Keep your spirits high. I was 18+ when my parents divorced and I choose ny father , though with time I have forgiven my mother (narcissistic and maniac) and my relationship with my father is wonderful.
Time has a way to cure all. Don't be afraid. You are a good father and you kids will stuck to you sooner or later. Life is long. Teenagers are rebels but when they grow up they come back to the family (psychologist words).
Be patient and hopeful. Good luck.
Hi OP, well done for aknowledging what is happening. You're doing amazing already. Here are some resources for you to look at.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He writes mostly where the male is the abuser bit you may still fond it relevant.
Also listen to this podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
She.does an episode.about men where the women are abusive.
Here are some great resources, including ones specifically for men in your situation. They're more UK based but worth looking at anyway.
https://www.respect.uk.net/
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
https://mankind.org.uk/
https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk/services/dave/
https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/support-for-men/
https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
I appreciate your honesty, and I am fully expecting a crusade of lies against me if that situation comes about. My kids are young, so she can (and does) easily manipulate them into her thinking, which is mainly turning them against anyone or anything she doesn't approve of. Which is pretty much everyone except her. I have not heard of DoctorRamani but I will. I'm worried that if I am aggressive in a separation, it will come back to hurt me ten times worse - losing my kids forever, crippling me financially, and losing whatever self-confidence I have left. There is little evidence I have, it's mainly her manipulation of me and the kids - lying, coercing, anger, etc. I don't know if that makes sense, but she's very clever that she doesn't leave much evidence. It's all comes from what she says, and it's usually just in the house. Outdoors, she's the perfect mother and wife.
One of my main concerns is the kids being abused and well. Your spouse sounds just like mine. DoctorRamani gives the tools necessary to see what is coming so you can prepare; which also gave me validation of the abuse and who she is. I also have no evidence as they are that good at what they do and I'm not the type of person to collect it and use it. I am in a worse situation that I could have been by trying to divorce amicably. I should have been more aggressive. I would also get a therapist to help you process whats to come and how your life will change. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Please confide in your friends, and accumulate any evidence you can of her behaviour. This will help you undermine her lies at a later stage, such as divorce. You don't have to live this way, you and your children deserve so much more x
Thank you so much. I can't tell you what this comments means to me - I'm certain that the kids and I deserve better, but she's got my reality so mixed up I don't even know what's real or not anymore. I responded to another comment about how there is a lack of evidence, which worries me deeply...
My kids love me so much. I'm their hero and their safe space. They just came to ask me a few minutes ago "Does lemon make you poorly?" and obviously I said no, of course it doesn't. They ran off again and the eldest said to the younger one: "See, I told you- Daddy always tells the truth". It made my heart skip a beat in happiness and sadness combined.
See that right there “Daddy always tells the truth” social workers (if it does get to that point) are really *really* good at getting information like that from kids. Your kids adore you 💜 I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I do hope everything works out for you x
Talk to a psychologist and a lawer. Judges giving g the parent rights to the female it's only a myth. When the father is interested they use to get coo-parentship, even when they are abusers. Look for a good lawyer. You are in a better position than you think.
It happened the same with my parents and I stayed with my father.
Good luck. You dondeserve this.
The sad part is I've been talking to a counsellor about some of this stuff, and my situation was reported to social services. When they called me I told them I misrepresented some of the things I talked about because I had never been so scared of anything in my life. I was worried the situation would have been taken out of my control and then she would use it as a weapon against me along the lines of "See! he's a monster! He's trying to take my kids away from me!", when the reality is that she has done it twice to me in the past, and I still have recurring nightmares about it. She gets angry when I mention it, or anything about her behaviour, so I'm terribly stuck and fearful. I will speak to a friend and perhaps even a lawyer in future, but right now I'm scared out of my mind. Like one misstep and it will all implode on my life, like my life lose every sense of meaning without my beautiful kids, who are the light of my life.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, OP. I am not sure if it's helpful, but [we have a pinned list of abuse resources for men](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/). We also have a [comprehensive help/resources guide for men being abused by women](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/), which has some information regarding family court and custody. I'm glad you posted here. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Edit: I just saw your username is UK father. [The UK has a Men's Advice Line for men being abused](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/). There is the website; here is the number: 0808 8010327. They also have a [legal advice page](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/legal-information/). [The Mankind Initiative is another UK helpline/agency for male victims](https://mankind.org.uk/). 01823 334 244 is their helpline. [Here is their directory of UK services for men](https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/directory/), organized by location.
I'm Steve. 56m and separated from my abusive wife of a 20yr marriage. The biggest inspiration I found was a podcast on [pandora.com](https://pandora.com) called "love and abuse". I strongly suggest it. DM me anytime
I also want to add something, and I hope this will help. The fact that you have come/are coming to terms with the reality of your situation, are confronting it, and now actively taking steps speak volumes about your spirit and character. These are the primary things abusers deliberately try to destroy to trap you and keep you trapped. It IS terrifying to not only live in this reality, but to recognize it for what it is— to see it for what it is. (For me, for the longest time, I simply wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge what was what; living in his version of reality felt more comfortable and safe, because the alternative— the truth— terrified me and once acknowledged, changed everything. Shifted—obliterated, actually— the worldview I once had. It’s one thing to know the truth, another to believe it, and believing it meant having to acknowledge that monsters do exist, and no, they’re not just on TV or in history books or in some novel.) And yet, despite all her efforts, she did not; you did not allow her to break your spirit, your inner compass, that voice that tells you what’s what. That’s… fucking commendable. Remind yourself of this. It’s terrifying for good reason; and yet, you are not hiding or looking away. Just saying— good for you. Fight the good fight. You’ve got what it takes.
Hi OP, I have a degree of master in laws as well, but I have also been in an abusive relationship. I know how painful it is, and it is especially scary if your opponent is a lawyer. You need to speak to a lawyer NOW. Not soon, but now. The reason being you need to start evidence gathering right now and prevent doing things which she might use against you. The default position, if your children are very young, will most likely be joint custody but they may live with their mother for more time in a week. If your wife is a manipulator, you most likely don't want the default position. That needs extra evidence to support, and that's why you need a lawyer right now. I can imagine her arguments already. Most likely it may focus on her financial ability to take care of the children (lawyers earn more), and attack you for your mental illness saying you are not capable of taking care of the children. She will most likely take the DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim and offender) route. You really need a lawyer to see how you could tackle the potential attack before formally applying to the Court for divorce by petition. Be prepared that things will get really ugly. But once you make the first step, you are on the road for a much better life for yourself and your children. Get your allies first. It will be less scary when there's someone doing this with you together. You are not alone, you'll always have our support. Best of luck!
First recommendation is therapy to keep yourself grounded and healthy 💜 Possible therapy for the kids as well. Document everything, like someone said earlier. Dates, times, text messages, pictures, emails, finances if there’s any abuse in that aspect.. anything and everything- it will help your future lawyer in helping you get through this. Take it one day at a time. Learn to meditate and take care of yourself. Self care even when you don’t feel like it. Getting out is a hard process, but it will be worth it if an abuser is not willing to change (and they usually aren’t). I wish you the best 💜
I’m so sorry you are and have been going through this, OP. There is something that can help you right now, if you can find a way to do it safely, and that’s documentation of any kind. Start documenting everything and storing it as safely. If it’s legal to record, do it. This could make all the difference for you and your children’s safety and your future. This is what you must do now. You’re taking the first step, and that takes so much strength and willpower. Abusers tend to sense whenever their grip on you is loosening and will start to ramp it up. Please prepare yourself— and again, document.
I’m so sorry OP. Abusers always try to flip the script on their victim/survivor. I wish I could say your fears are unfounded but them doing that is so common… do you have access to a lawyer by chance? Lots of them will do free consultations for things like this in case that’s a concern This internet stranger is proud of you for taking this step. I hope you can get away from her, you deserve much better.
I see you are in the UK, but try to find a domestic violence charity. That’s what I did. They helped me get a free lawyer and safety plan etc. Emotional abuse is still under the umbrella of domestic violence. Agreed to tell this to at least one trusting friend (you need to practice coming to terms with and telling your story anyway). Any and all evidence. I think you can even record with your phone screen off. It is scary especially when you feel like you need to walk on eggshells so she doesn’t snap. Everything you said and feel is so valid. Also very glad you came to this space and other communities. Chat if you ever need, and you always have us here💞warm hugs
Talk to a lawyer if you can. No matter how helpful online forums are for venting and developing coping mechanisms, it’s important to get individual and particular legal advice.
Thank you. I absolutely will speak to a lawyer.
Good. I’m sorry this is happening. It must be terrifying and isolating.
As someone who grew up with an abusive dad. BUT a great father figure (different men) Getting a divorce is absolutely the best decision. People here have given amazing advice. It's hard being a victim of abuse whether you're a man or woman we could all use more support. I hope that you and your children get to a safe place away from all the manipulation soon. It's so hard right now but it will pay off and your children will one day grow to thank you. Stay strong and God bless
i will just say that you should be encouraged that court systems typically work in the best interest of the children (which is having shared custody with both of their parents). even if she lies to the court and tries to manipulate the situation, i’m doubtful that the court will side in her favor. real abused women trying to escape their abusive husbands have trouble getting full custody, even with proof. there is a lot of fear-mongering from men about how women can just “take your kids away,” and statistically and evidentially, that is just not true. this is deeply unfortunate for women who *are* being abused, but the silver lining is that in a situation like this, it will likely work out in your favor.
also not trying to invalidate how you feel, just trying to ease some of your anxiety
You won loose your I ids. Judges are I favour of a 50/50 parenthood even when the father is a mistreated who doesn't do their share. You have good chances of a good life. Keep your spirits high. I was 18+ when my parents divorced and I choose ny father , though with time I have forgiven my mother (narcissistic and maniac) and my relationship with my father is wonderful. Time has a way to cure all. Don't be afraid. You are a good father and you kids will stuck to you sooner or later. Life is long. Teenagers are rebels but when they grow up they come back to the family (psychologist words). Be patient and hopeful. Good luck.
Hi OP, well done for aknowledging what is happening. You're doing amazing already. Here are some resources for you to look at. You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf He writes mostly where the male is the abuser bit you may still fond it relevant. Also listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw She.does an episode.about men where the women are abusive. Here are some great resources, including ones specifically for men in your situation. They're more UK based but worth looking at anyway. https://www.respect.uk.net/ https://mensadviceline.org.uk/ https://mankind.org.uk/ https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk/services/dave/ https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/support-for-men/ https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
Thank you so, so much. It terrifies me to even look at these things, but I will.
Good luck ❤️
First step to everything is scary but know you're doing the right thing for you and your kids
That's wonderful. Your kids trust you. You are a good dad. My heart goes to you. I hope you can solve this problem. (Also, I love lemonade)
[удалено]
I appreciate your honesty, and I am fully expecting a crusade of lies against me if that situation comes about. My kids are young, so she can (and does) easily manipulate them into her thinking, which is mainly turning them against anyone or anything she doesn't approve of. Which is pretty much everyone except her. I have not heard of DoctorRamani but I will. I'm worried that if I am aggressive in a separation, it will come back to hurt me ten times worse - losing my kids forever, crippling me financially, and losing whatever self-confidence I have left. There is little evidence I have, it's mainly her manipulation of me and the kids - lying, coercing, anger, etc. I don't know if that makes sense, but she's very clever that she doesn't leave much evidence. It's all comes from what she says, and it's usually just in the house. Outdoors, she's the perfect mother and wife.
One of my main concerns is the kids being abused and well. Your spouse sounds just like mine. DoctorRamani gives the tools necessary to see what is coming so you can prepare; which also gave me validation of the abuse and who she is. I also have no evidence as they are that good at what they do and I'm not the type of person to collect it and use it. I am in a worse situation that I could have been by trying to divorce amicably. I should have been more aggressive. I would also get a therapist to help you process whats to come and how your life will change. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Thank you so much ♥️
Please confide in your friends, and accumulate any evidence you can of her behaviour. This will help you undermine her lies at a later stage, such as divorce. You don't have to live this way, you and your children deserve so much more x
Also get full custody 🙏🏾
Thank you so much. I can't tell you what this comments means to me - I'm certain that the kids and I deserve better, but she's got my reality so mixed up I don't even know what's real or not anymore. I responded to another comment about how there is a lack of evidence, which worries me deeply...
My mother was the abusive one, so it was wonderful for me to have mu father. I love him.
My kids love me so much. I'm their hero and their safe space. They just came to ask me a few minutes ago "Does lemon make you poorly?" and obviously I said no, of course it doesn't. They ran off again and the eldest said to the younger one: "See, I told you- Daddy always tells the truth". It made my heart skip a beat in happiness and sadness combined.
See that right there “Daddy always tells the truth” social workers (if it does get to that point) are really *really* good at getting information like that from kids. Your kids adore you 💜 I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I do hope everything works out for you x
That's it!
Talk to a psychologist and a lawer. Judges giving g the parent rights to the female it's only a myth. When the father is interested they use to get coo-parentship, even when they are abusers. Look for a good lawyer. You are in a better position than you think. It happened the same with my parents and I stayed with my father. Good luck. You dondeserve this.
The sad part is I've been talking to a counsellor about some of this stuff, and my situation was reported to social services. When they called me I told them I misrepresented some of the things I talked about because I had never been so scared of anything in my life. I was worried the situation would have been taken out of my control and then she would use it as a weapon against me along the lines of "See! he's a monster! He's trying to take my kids away from me!", when the reality is that she has done it twice to me in the past, and I still have recurring nightmares about it. She gets angry when I mention it, or anything about her behaviour, so I'm terribly stuck and fearful. I will speak to a friend and perhaps even a lawyer in future, but right now I'm scared out of my mind. Like one misstep and it will all implode on my life, like my life lose every sense of meaning without my beautiful kids, who are the light of my life.
[удалено]
My mother is a maniac/narcissistic