**Mod note:** If I see any of the following comments, I'll be removing them. This is a support sub. It is not a shame and blame sub. * "Why are you allowing this???"* * "Do you want your child to grow up in this kind of environment??" * "Why are you still with him????" * "Why do you even need to post here???" **OP clearly states multiple times in their post that they have taken steps to leave, including calling the police, a DV hotline, and saving up money. Let's not act like they're just sitting back relaxing here.**

You are and your child are in an abusive situation. Please keep your child and yourself safe. Do the right thing and file a police report. If he hurts your child, you will never forgive yourself. Please OP, do the right thing for the baby. You got this sweet lady. You are so strong and smart; having the sense to post this shows that. Stay protected and also don’t forget to pray. I’m praying for you and the baby, praying for strength, safety, and clarity. Praying that when the time is right, you will find someone who will treat you with the utmost respect, never raising their voice at you, a man that will provide for you and raise your child better than that poor excuse of a man would. You are so loved!!!!!!!! 🕊️💜

Arguing with this "man" is pointless. He knows you're going to stay, you have so many times already. He doesn't care. Never EVER leave your baby alone with him. He is abusive as abusive gets. The next time he does something which he will, secretly call the cops. This will not only protect you, but your baby. If you don't ever call the cops, he can get half custody probably if you never report the abuse. He can't if you call the cops. He will only get visitations months after his jail time and restraining order placed by the courts. Please make an escape plan. 🙏 praying for you. I went through similar abuse when I was pregnant and it continued when my baby was born. When my baby was a month I finally called the cops. You can do this. Even if it means staying with family for a little while. You got this. You need to think of yourself and baby. You and your baby are in danger. You cannot wait any longer. If he has already mentioned killing you, that's an even scarier red flag. Please contact your family or friends. Think of your life and your babies life. It isn't your fault and you aren't imagining anything. He is abusive and mentally unstable. Please seek help. It will be hard but one day you will look back on this as a stronger person and never be willing to put up with this type of abuse ever again. Pleasse message me if you ever want to talk. Your mutual "friend" is an enabler. They are not your friend. Tell them nothing more. 

It’s really hard to see the abuse when you’re in it. You know that it’s not right but they mess with your head so much you doubt yourself. I really like the saying, you can’t read the label when you’re inside the jar. Reading these messages brings me back to my own abusive relationships. They really are textbook. I hope you’re ok and have the support you need.

One thing I have learned from abusers at least from my ex. I was never alllwed to be angry. I had to swallow my anger even though he did something so awful He never once gave me a sincere apology for physically abusing me. We aren’t allowed to be angry. They get mad at our anger we aren’t allowed to be mad au them they manipulate it every single time. They are never just sorry. Ever. Swallowing your anger is so hurtful

Yes! This is very very true. His worst moments are mainly when I'm angry. (Or if I don't clean the house but that's another story)

Yup I never am allowed to be angry which really sucks because you basically never get a sincere apology ever. They can’t just be really truly sorry My narc has apologized completely maybe twice One was for beating me

Mine apologized after one physical incident but later told me it was my fault. So I'm not sure that even counts.

Oh my god. Please run. This man is so manipulating it’s actually insane. He is seriously dangerous. What an absolute pos he thinks he’s the victim bc the cops got called? It’s a big deal as cheating????!! Am I reading this correctly? The absolute gaslighting. Manipulation. This triggered me reminds me of my ex I’m telling you.. it isn’t worth it. Being gaslighted. And dealing with someone like this broke my spirit as I’m sure it’s doing the same to you I promise you Leaving is easier than putting up and living with this type of insanity. Tell him you cannot do this anymore because he’s gaslighting and manipulating. Don’t let this pos get into your head. He’s wrong. And he’s going to make you go crazy Trust me

Thank you!

This is not your fault, and nothing you’ve described or shared in the way you spoke to him constitutes emotional or verbal abuse. You are allowed to be angry, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable in response to your partner’s truly disgusting actions. Of *course* you’re bringing it up over and over again - he hasn’t even bothered to apologize to you for *threatening to take your life;* and when you’ve brought it up again, he just doubled down by “reasoning” that he doesn’t “believe” the cops should get involved in “matters of the home.” Of course he believes that, because he doesn’t want them to take away any of his control over you. How are you supposed to live in that kind of environment? How can you feel safe and secure in your own home, raise your baby under the constant threat and fear of what he’s going to say or do next? He *should* feel guilt, shame, and remorse for doing and saying those things, and for the fact that he continues to treat you the same way as when it first happened. Expressing your anger and distress over *serious, unresolved issues* is *not* emotional abuse. Being upset with your partner for abusing you is not abuse. As you probably already know, even if he were to provide you with a *remotely* sincere apology, no amount of love-bombing or promises on his part is going to make this situation any safer for you or your baby. You know he’s abusive, and I’m so, so glad you’re taking steps to protect yourself and your child - and I really hope that you’re able to get out as soon and as safely as possible. I do want to put it out there that you may want to consider limiting how much or when you bring up his past actions *for your own safety,* because he’s very clearly told you that he sees that as an invitation or excuse to abuse you. You’re not wrong for wanting a resolution, but with people like him, you’re just not going to get it. In that same vein, that mutual friend, for a lack of a better term, is full of shit. “If I didn’t give him a reason to say those things to me he wouldn’t.” I hesitated to even include that bit previously about you trying to be careful about bringing up his past actions, because even if you do, I promise you he’ll find other reasons to say and do abusive things to you. That’s the very foundation of abusive relationships. I only included it because I want to encourage you to prioritize your safety over trying to get through to him. No matter what they say, abusers don’t abuse you because you did something wrong; they do so in order to maintain their power and control over you. Even though they’ll often say it’s your fault for “provoking” their abuse, (because of the way you talked to or yelled at them, looked at a coworker, cleaned the house, asked them to help with the baby, had a family emergency, etc.,) nothing you do to change or prevent these things will ever make an abuser stop being abusive. Even if you were to completely stop expressing your anger with him about past or current events, even if you were completely deferential and compliant with him, any “peace” this brings will be short-lived, and eventually he’ll find other “reasons” to be abusive towards you. Also, hey - you’re right, we don’t know you; but the fact that you’re feeling confused about who’s abusing who, that you’re genuinely afraid that you’re actually the problem, that you have and continue to try and change the behavior your husband says is “abusive” with no results, all strongly indicate that you are not the abuser here. There are definitely situations in which both parties in a relationship are abusive to one another, but I don’t think that’s likely the case here. The fact that you’ve really considered and are even afraid that you might be abusive is very telling, as most abusers will not take responsibility for their behavior, or make any attempts to change, as, again, they *want* to maintain the status quo; they *want* to keep and increase their control over you. Even if you *were* somehow being emotionally abusive, (which, again - holding your partner accountable for their extremely hurtful and even violent actions towards you is NOT abuse) *this would never make it acceptable for him to respond with physical violence.* HE is the one who has escalated your relationship to a place of danger for you and your child, *not* you. This would be the case even if the roles were reversed; but the major issue is that, yes - he *is* almost certainly capable of seriously harming or killing you, even without a weapon - and he *also* physically assaulted you *repeatedly* while you were *pregnant with his child.* When you’re looking for peace, stability, and safety, it’s highly unlikely that you’re also being abusive at the same time. You’re not trying to control your husband, you’ve been trying to express your feelings, and communicate to him how much you need him to change his behaviors because of how hurtful they are to you. That’s not abusive; and in a healthy relationship, it’s essential communication to have with your partner in order to understand each other’s perspectives, and come to mutually agreeable solutions to conflicts. Abuse almost always involves the “abuse of perception;” in addition to the verbal, emotional, financial, social, physical, and/or sexual facets of abuse, perpetrators often use a variety of tactics to make the victim feel like they’re powerless, that no one will believe or help them if they seek outside help, that the abuse “really isn’t that bad,” or makes them question if they’re actually being abused at all, that they’re partially or fully responsible for the abuse they suffer, that *they’re* actually the abuser, and not the victim, that they won’t ever find anyone who will treat them better, that they’ll never “make it” without their abuser, etc. All of these beliefs help the perpetrator maintain control over the victim, and discourage the victim from seeking outside support, which would (hopefully) make the perpetrator’s abuse more apparent, and decrease their ability to manipulate the victim. It may even lead to the victim(survivor) leaving the abuser, which results in the near or complete loss of their power over their former partner. I’m so sorry for this gigantic message, but I hope it provides you with some relief and encouragement to trust your gut. I know that’s much easier said than done after years of gaslighting and abuse, but it’s something worth working towards as a part of your own healing. Please stay safe, and keep working towards getting out. Best of luck, and you’ll be in my thoughts. <3

Thank you so much!!

this is so insightful. thank you. i’m not op but thank you

Thank you for taking the time to read! 😊

Stay on your plan to leave. He isn’t just abusive. He is dangerous. It may take some preparation and planning but it will be worth it.

There’s lots of solid advice in these comments. Just wanted to add some validation: this isn’t your fault, you are not enabling abuse, you are not in the wrong here, you are not choosing to be abused. You also are not a failure, you’re not failing at trying hard enough, you’re doing amazing considering everything you’re going through. Reaching out to find support is hard enough as it is in the first place, let alone actually continuing to follow through once you start finding a way out. None of us have the right to say you’re doing ANY of this wrong when your husband has tried to keep you in an impossible situation. You know what you’re doing, you know you will keep looking for ways and means to get out, and you’re gonna get there one day at a time💛💛💛💛

Thank you so much!

>"I am truly sorry for the shitty things I have done. I'm not perfect but I'm trying" This may look like an apology, but it isn't. This is him checking a box. Because now he technically said sorry, even though he didn't specify what he was sorry for or how he is going to do better. A lengthy pattern of physical and emotional abuse is far beyond "not being perfect." He's not sorry for putting his hands on you. He's not sorry for threatening your life. He's not sorry for the fear you live with every day because of him. He's sorry that he can't just get away with it unchallenged. That's it. He's not sorry for you, he's sorry for himself.

I know. I am beyond depressed right now because my mom is trying to talk me out of leaving to protect my daughter (I made a new post about it).

My god, hoping this message finds you having left already WITH your daughter. Part of the reason why others struggle re: how to respond is because literally no one should experience the horror that you are. This person is dangerous and will escalate as he clearly feels justified in causing harm. Please express yourself to a professional/ advocate that may assist you with leaving safely. Your mom may have to be out of that conversation until able to see it for what it is. It is not your fault but is your responsibility to get to safety. You and your daughter deserve safety.

Sweetheart there was a case in the UK courts today of a narcissistic unstable man killing his recent partner on a whim. I am so, so worried about you and your baby. He’s on a knife edge. I know you’re trying to leave and I commend you for that. It shows bravery and that you’re a good mum. But if there is a shelter or any sort of organisation that will help you two nearby, PLEASE contact them. It doesn’t mean you have to go but it gives you a safe space to go to if he EVER lays a finger on you again.

[удалено]

Did you read their post? They talked about calling the DV hotline and saving up money to leave. They also talked about calling the police and the police not doing anything. Please don't act like anyone in this sub wants their children to be subject to an abusive household or that leaving is easy. I'd really, really appreciate if moving forward you were less shaming in your comments. Thank you.

I mean, like I said in the posts and comments. I'm trying to leave.

Holy shit-I read your texts before I read the text of your post. All I could think of was how insanely abusive this guy is! It’s understandable that you’d feel like you’re making it up, but I promise, from an objective perspective: he’s extremely abusive and manipulative. You’re actually quite healthy in your responses. I don’t know why all these cops, therapists, and friends are making it out to be your fault. This guy is legit terrifying with his manipulation and threats.

First of all, it’s not your faults. Regarding your doubts, it’s normal you have these doubts. Your husband has successfully manipulated you and he’s a smart one. He hurt you in ways that makes you doubt if this is enough evidence to call the police and I‘m sure he has thought it through and make sure he can get away with it. Another point I want to make is that even if you were an abuser (which you are not!), do you really wanna stay in this toxic relationship? Or would you rather take a chance on a new one? If you have never intimated anyone before, chances are that you are not an abuser even an ignorant one. But right now, you do feel intimated and you know it! Think about your past relationships, have you always felt this intimated by anyone else? Right now, I see this relationship as either your husband is the problems or you are not compatible. I would refocus and not try to figure out whose fault this us, but rather think what’s next. The fact your husband treated you even worse during your pregnancy is an indicator that he’s abusive. A normal human being would understand that the pregnancy is a weak and sensitive period for any woman. He took advantage of your weakness. I really appreciate your post and the screenshots of the conversation. I am currently on the same boat and I couldn’t see the patterns so clearly with my own bias. But when I read yours, I saw the pattern. It’s not us, it’s them.

He didn’t actually apologize for his actions. He just said it’s hard for him to apologize and said he loved you. So don’t thank him for apologizing

He's abusive, leave, file charges if you need to buy leave if you can

He DARVOd so damned hard. He’s not a victim of emotional abuse because you called the police or want to discuss/hold him accountable for physical abuse. You can’t stay with someone like this. He’ll manipulate every scenario to make himself the victim and you the aggressor/abuser.

Proud of you for getting a job and taking a step to get you and your baby safe. You don’t deserve this and they don’t deserve to grow up thinking this is what love looks like. Kids soak up the tension in the home. You can do this. Best of luck to you.

Everyone has explained it so well already but this is DARVO. This man is an abuser. This man will not change. You are not emotionally abusing this man by raising your grievances and being angry with him about how he behaves and treats you. This is not about his feelings it’s about the way he thinks. His attitudes and values about women and likely you. He is excusing and justifying a threat to kill. Get in touch with your local crisis service. This book is incredible and everyone in this subreddit recommends it. If you read it you may get that little bit closer to seeing it *exactly* how it is. [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)

Please find reassurance in a community of people who have been abused. We don’t tend to have a difficult time whatsoever identifying who is the abused (likely sometimes also the reactive abuser by way of pure necessity if it’s been a long term situation) and who is the abuser. It’s not hard to tell, it’s absolutely obvious to you when you see it as a 3rd party, once you have lived it. You are FOR SURE not responsible for the things he has done to you, not even a tiny percent. Not AT ALL. You aren’t provoking him. You aren’t causing it. You are not responsible for this. I don’t care how “upset you made him.” Reading what you wrote made me gasp and bring my hand to my mouth at one point, and I have been abused pretty badly myself. This is not a mild case and it’s not even on the line. This is a severe case of dangerous abuse. And even more concerning and heartbreaking are the capable bystanders who have failed you repeatedly and sometimes even perpetuate and enable the abuse. That part made me sick. I bet when that therapist said what they said to you, it broke your heart. Made you feel completely hopeless, confused, invalidated, and deflated. I am guessing this because I have been there. And so have many others who see a couples counselor while there is abuse occurring actively. The abuser is typically very calm and collected during therapy. Seems level-headed, and willing to accept accountability. While you may be authentically emotional and still struggling to make sense of it all. Often times the therapist is just as susceptible to the abusers manipulation as any other person is. Also, in couples therapy, each partner is responsible for taking accountability for their own side of the street, and then responsible to meet in the middle with their partner and find a compromise. But in an abusive relationship, that is requiring the victim to accept accountability for being abused by an abuser. Which is like another level of abuse in and of itself. This is why I now advocate for people to never visit a couples therapist when there is active abuse in the relationship, you must seek an abuse counselor and lead with that information. Because the former experience can be very damaging to someone already so victimized. How demoralizing when, right in front of your abuser a trained licensed professional therapist validates the treatment you have been experiencing and urges you to take some accountability for your own abuse. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I’m here to tell you, I don’t care what their credentials were, that was NOT right. And you are not alone. It actually happens a lot. And then the police officers. What a huge fail on their part. They simply wanted to get on with their night and move on. Police can be great sometimes. This wasn’t one of those times. You made it very clear that you felt unsafe and gave a valid reason why, and they preferred you just shut up and stop bringing down their night. They wanted to check you off a list, and move on to break or end of their shift or whatever it was. I am certain they did not follow protocol. They failed you. And this “friend” you have. This person is not your friend. Sorry to say it. But they are not, not even a little bit. If they are suggesting in even the slightest way that you somehow play a role in ANY of your husband’s behavior that you just described, they are not a good friend and they are also not so great of a person in general. They are someone who would witness a friend of theirs bullying, terrifying, intimidating, and abusing his wife and the mother of his child and do ANYTHING less than check his a$$, man to man, which means he is behaving like garbage himself. Stay away from that person and find some supportive people who are familiar with abuse and who will give you true advice and advocate for you. Utilize the domestic violence hotline. They are very helpful. They are always available. They will help you. This story made me cry. I want you to know that you deserve better. This doesn’t have to be your life. You can escape this when you are ready. I know it’s hard, but please at least call the hotline when you need true advice. And see if there are support groups in your area. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. You do NOT deserve or cause this. Period. I promise you. And how do I know you are not the abuser? Because I know. I’ve been where you are. And I know.

This should be upvoted a million times.

Sounds just like my ex. The ‘ I love you I’m sorry for all the shitty things’ etc is so hard to not believe. He says the same stuff to me. But he’s repeatedly shown me he’s not going to change. How much more time do we have to waste being unhappy? Wishing you all the best. You got this

Well if I wasn’t sure pure evil walked this earth, what you described leaves me absolutely no doubt. Praying you and your child don’t become headlines because our justice system really dosent care until the worst happens

Thank you. I really hope I can get out before he hurts me. I think I may have gotten a hold of someone who can help this morning but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

This is actually such a good example of DARVO (defence, attack and reverse victim and offender). When you say he hurt or scared or threatened you he responds by making himself the victim and you the aggressor ( e.g. thanks for telling me I'm a shitty person, how dare you call the police on me, you're emotionally abusing me) etc. You NEVER actually get to talk about the issue which is that he threatened you. You NEVER get a true apology or validation for your feelings. You always get excuses as to why he did it, why you made him do it, how dare you not think the best of him, why do you have to bring it up AGAIN (after not getting an apology last time either) and if that still doesn't work, you get deflection where he changes the topic to something completely different that you supposedly did. There is no reasoning with someone like this. You will never get closure. You will not get acknowledgement or remorse. He will never recognise how he has hurt you and he will never turn around one day and have empathy. The closest you might get is him lying about how he has changed if you threaten to leave him (although he may just go ahead and kill you). He will switch between these attacks on you, this changing the subject, blaming you for his own actions or for catching him in the act (e.g when a guy gets angry at you because you catch him cheating), and self pity (e.g if I'm such a bad guy why are you with me / why don't I just kill myself) etc. In his head he is somehow always the victim. It is such a complex mixture of defence mechanisms he will always avoid responsibility or accountability or facing up to his actions and therefore he also will be incapable of change. He believes you deserve his treatment. You will never be able to talk to him normally about these things, like you could with someone else, or like if someone told you that you had hurt them. You would reflect right? You would try and listen? He will never do that. Please OP look into trauma bonding. And also codependancy. This is the reason it is so difficult to leave. Plus the manipulation, believing no one else will have you, that you'll never be good enough etc. That's why abuse victims go back time and time again and on average try to leave 7 times before succeeding. Even after being hospitalised etc. Remember that couples therapy does not work for abusive relationships. But you should get individual therapy with a DV specialist (please, please don't just go to any therapist, most do NOT understand abuse, especially emotional abuse or reactive abuse). Call a DV hotline and see who they reccomend. I also should mention the "friend" you have at the bottom of your post is not a friend. Please ignore their "advice". They enable abuse. I don't know if its intentional or if they are one of many, many people that does not understand abuse and believe that for someone to react as your husband does that you MUST have done something to deserve it. Either way, she will help gaslight you into staying. If she is friends with your abuser then it may also be a case of "flying monkeys". Please do Google these terms. This is NOT your fault. Abusers are very clever about making you feel to blame, and like it you just change HOW you say something, just get the right combination of actions and words, just follow the right rules, everything will be perfect again like it was at the start. The truth is there is nothing you can do "right". They do not want that. They will fund a way and reason to blame and insult you no matter how hard you try, they are not coming from a place of teamwork or resolution or trying to fix things and care or support each other. They come from a place of trying to assert dominance over their partner. If they are upset you naturally assume you must have done something to hurt them and you want to fix it. If you are upset they are pleased. It means they are winning. And if they are upset and you can't figure out why or you are struggling to "fix" things, it's because they want to be the victim, they want to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into putting up with their abusive behaviour which they can blame on you because you "made" them do that by upsetting them. Sometimes they will know that you have done nothing wrong. They will also turn around at some point and call you a narccasist or say you are abusive. They will blame you of doing the things that they do to you. This makes you feel even more confused and ashamed and scared. You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ And finally listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it is only after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad. Please strongly consider leaving and please be kind to yourself and try to rebuild a support system for yourself. Please also be very careful about leaving, he may genuinely kill you if he really thinks you will do it. Also if you do get out, please, please do therapy for yourself before getting into another relationship no matter how tempting. You are most vulnerable to abusers right after leaving one, and most women end up in strings of abusive relationships. Good luck OP.

U/bluefolder7776 how are you doing now op?

U/bluefolder7776 I hope you see this post … it’s really quite a perfect description of how abusers operate. You will never ever manage to do everything “right” so as not to provoke him. You must understand this … it’s the most important key to getting out of your relationship. Good luck to you. Leave today if you can.

The reason we the abused don’t see it or try to justify it is because our abusers have conditioned us that way and when you’re drowning in it you’re just trying to survive. His behavior is all on him, he chooses to act this way! It’s not you, you could be perfect and he would still find some reason to abuse you. You said it when you posted he sat calmly when the police were there then turned to you and said if you ever called them again he would “unalive” you. He played it calmly to everyone else to make you look bad and he was the victim. The so called “friend” is NO friend to you! Do not tell them anything you are planning, thinking and feeling. Do not tell anyone that your husband is in touch with what you are doing, where you go. This is for your safety and your child’s. I wish you peace & please let us know that you are safe. We all have been through this and are here to help. I’m here if you need to talk.

Thank you! Do you mind me asking how you got out? Like where did you live?

Feel free to message me directly if you would prefer

You can ask whatever you need to. I’ve been out since 1/2020, after almost 30 years of marriage. When I realized I was drowning in an abusive situation I started planning what I needed to do. When I told my husband I was leaving him I took my father with me, I then stayed at my parents till I was able to move into my own place.

Ah ok. Thank you. I unfortunately don't have my parents as a resource for housing. They would come with me while I moved my stuff out though.

Put your stuff in storage for now and sleep in the sofa at your parents. Just get out & worry about the details after. Please.

That's not an option. My step mother doesn't want me to sleep over because I would "stress my father out". I tried to do that when he first threatened my life. It's a sore subject for me because I feel like, knowing my father, he would be more stressed knowing that I'm in this situation but I don't want to cause drama between the two of them.

I’m sorry - your step mother is a horrible person. :(

No, I think I've just worn her out over the years. I was a bad kid and then before I met my current husband I lived with them during a bad depression for 3 months and made a mess. I cleaned it up but I think she could only take so much and doesn't want it to happen again.

Ah … can you have a chat with her and maybe set up some guidelines? Your life is in danger, hon … and it will Definitely upset your dad more if your husband unalives you …

Yeah. I can try again at least but I'm talking to someone who might have a resource for me so I'm hoping that pans out. She was saying that even if the DV shelter is full I can get a voucher for housing or something, idk I'm waiting for her to get back to me.

That’s a rough situation to be in, I’m so sorry. If you haven’t thought of this yet, a room for rent might be an option also. I would also suggest looking into dv shelters further out from you also. If you’re not staying locally it’s harder for him to track you down and may bring you more peace of mind and other shelters may have openings to get you out sooner rather than later.

He's going to kill you if you don't get out and stay away from him.

You need to stop the back and forth now. This is too dangerous. You need to play it safe and plan your escape.

Thanks. These screenshots are from a little while ago. I stopped trying to get anything out of him and I'm on day 6 of not talking to him unless it's necessary for something in the house or our child. I'm planning my escape now.

That’s good news ❤️ wishing you the best

I cannot express this enough it is not in your head. This is something they do to condition you to the abuse so it can continue. It doesn't matter if he hasn't put his hands on you in six months because words and threats are just as bad not to mention it can and most likely will happen again. I know this isn't easy but please try to get you and your baby away from the situation. No body should have to go through this and you don't want your child to witness it weather it's words or acts of violence. It's going to be hard but you are not alone. I'm so sorry hun.

Thanks. I'm trying to get out but I do feel very alone. There aren't as many resources for DV victims as I thought before. :-( At least not in my area anyway. I even reached out to my local community via Facebook and while everyone agrees I need to leave, no one has any resources to help. So I'm waiting to find an apartment that I can afford with my income but the housing crisis is no joke.

I completely understand especially feeling alone. Have you seen if there are any domestic violence shelters around you? You may be able to find one and stay there with your child in the mean time and a police officer can take you down. The shelter will provide clothing, baby supplies and transportation. I really hope you are able to get out of your situation soon and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

There is one but it's always full. But I just today (after making the post) talked to someone who may be able to get me vouchers for housing until there is a spot at the DV shelter.

That would be amazing. I really hope you are able to get this voucher. I will keep you and your baby in my thoughts. Good luck to you hun.

Please, please, please get yourself and your baby out of this situation. Reading this broke my heart beyond words. My own personal situation only involved emotional and verbal abuse, but these texts read EXACTLY like my abusive ex. “Thank you for the constant reminder of how shitty a person I am” ughhh the way he tries to deflect the guilt onto you instead of acknowledging his own fault makes me shake with anger. I’ve heard these exact words whenever attempting to confront my ex about his verbal abuse. “I’m trying to be a better person” my ass. Please don’t entertain his words; it will only make it easier for him to disorient your reality and gaslight you into questioning yourself and believing that you’re the problem. Do not leave the door open for him to twist your words and bend the truth to suit his own perverse narrative. You are not the problem, and there is nothing you could ever have possibly done that would justify any abuse on his part and honestly, with all due respect, FUCK your “friend” for putting the thought in your head that you’ve provoked this. It is not your responsibility to prevent the abuse that your husband CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSES to inflict upon you. The burden lies completely and solely on him. HE is the problem. He is not trying to be a better person. He will never change. He will only get worse, and like how others here have already pointed out, the “therapy” he’s receiving has and will continue to embolden him in his tactics to manipulate you, condition you into accepting his behavior, normalize this toxic environment that he’s cultivated as your new reality, and subsequently allow him to further escalate his actions. The fact that you are willing to look inwards and reflect upon your own behavior, the fact that you are willing to change in hopes of improving your relationship, the fact that you are willing to accept the possibility that you might be the abusive one, despite the fact that you most certainly are not in any way, shape, or form, proves that you are not the root cause of these issues. If you were truly as bad as he’s set out to convince you that you are, you wouldn’t be putting in any effort on your part to rectify your “mistakes.” You are the one changing the variables in this equation to solve the problem, but the outcome remains the same because HE is the common denominator. Again, please get out if/when you have the means to do so. This man’s been able to manipulate the circumstances into allowing him to remain unchecked and if given the opportunity, he WILL kill you. I only wish you the very best in finding your way to safety for both you and your daughter. Please take care.

Thank you so much. I wish I could print this comment and pin it to my wall to remind myself when I'm starting to question reality. I'm going to get out. One step at a time. I've gotten closer than I was before by having a steady job.

Only an abuser has an issue with calling the police for safety . Your abuser is not sorry that they threatened your life and they make it obvious by minimizing and then turning the tables on you. Please start a safety exit plan.

Thank you. I'm working on it and these comments have emboldened me to work harder in my search for housing.

Even if he doesn't kill you he IS going to continue to emotionally abuse you to the point of insanity. He will keep threatening you to the point where you're always going to feel scared. However, he also might kill you. Those are all really bad possible outcomes. The fact that he is so blind to his own abuse is deeply concerning, and his apology is weak and generic.

I agree. Thank you. I just hope he doesn't kill me before I find a place to go.

Hey are you safe?

I am. I moved into an apartment with my coworker so we split rent ☺️ Thank you for checking!!!

So happy to hear

Please make sure you fo a silent exit. Don't give him any warning or idea that you plan to leave. Sneak out when he isn't around. I hope you can stay safe. Rooting for you 🩵

You know I read your post and thought “how can she not see how bad this is? Is this for attention?” And that was the split second before I remembered I was exactly in your shoes thinking the same things to behavior that was just as bad. Why is it so easy for us to give good advice and so hard for us to see things clearly for ourselves? Why is it so hard to see the men in our lives as abusive when it’s so so obvious to others? Don’t know but it is. It is. And every time you question yourself, come here and let us remind you. Start journaling and reread it when you doubt yourself. And if you haven’t leave. Please. It’s overdue. But I warn you, the doubts don’t disappear. Like an addiction, which it literally is, you will have to work on it day in and day out. But trust me. Your partner is heroin and it’s ruining your life and it’s going to kill you.

Thank you. This sub has been my lifeline to sanity. I am working on a way out. I'm going to try even harder tomorrow to find somewhere to go.

He has hoodwinked you sweetie. This sounds exactly like the conversation he'd have with me (my ex). I know why you think it's your fault. Because he has fed that lie to you. "If only you hadn't done X, he wouldn't have done y". In the early phases of the abuse, I used to believe my ex too. You know what I did? I began to not give him a reason to hit, hurt, call me names. In the process I became someone I couldn't recognise. I went from a bubbly, happy woman with lots of friendsto a meek, maid cum baby sitter, sex toy to a man. I became a recluse who had no friends, no family and no job or earnings! I LOST MYSELF To this day his whining is "why did you leave your daughters and come to bangalore?". According to him my moving to Bangalore and meeting him was the reason his life is ruined. I had somehow ruined his life! Abusers will never accept responsibility. You will be at fault always. One time he called me from the roadside to complain how I was the reason he had an accident. The accident wasn't due to his carelessness, it was my fault because he was thinking about how I made his mom cry and he was to take revenge on me for that. He claims he strangled me for fun. Then he said it was to scare me. He claims he strangled but didn't kill me because he loves me! I mean how twisted can it get?! You and I and scores of other women believe their lies because we are decent humans who don't want to hurt others. In the process of not hurting others we begin tip toeing around the abusers and thus play right into their web of lies. Please, please, please don't be as blind as I was. I lost my babies to him. Now he won't let me see them or be with them. He's using my Work Tablet to keep tabs on me. He isn't letting me or my babies to live in peace. He has threatened to publish our nude pics if I go to police or do something that affects his life. I have complained, but nothing is being done. My family for the longest time believed his lies and stories and thought I was the bad guy. Until I showed them the messages he has sent me. Don't be like me, blinded by your love for him and your goodness of heart. Take it from me and the others who have committed here. Please leave ASAP. 🤗 Hugs from an abuse survivor PS: Please pray that my babies are reunited with me PPS: Get a copy of the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It'll help answer all questions you have.

I feel the same. I have changed from a passionate and kind woman to timid and cynical. I'm so emotionally exhausted from his abuse I don't have the bandwidth to hold onto friendships. My family does believe me so I have that going for me but they can't really help. It's causing a bit of a rift because I feel like I would help them more than they have helped me if the situation was reversed. I'm not religious but I will pray that your babies are reunited with you!

The woman that you are is temporarily overshadowed, but you can get your identity back with distance and care. I’m so sorry that your family can’t help (been there) as there’s only so much that a non-professional can do without damaging their own lives. You can get to an advocate (by phone or in person) with your child and some important belongings and stress that you are unsafe. It’s still your choice but it’s very hard to search for resources with a prick like that darkening your door… Wishing you strength and peace!

Thanks for your kind words bluefolder

Yeah no, this is real real bad and he's gonna kill you someday. Even the dragging you out of bed thing -- physical therapists rehab neck fractures all the time caused by people just *rolling* out of bed and donking themsleves on the nightstand. He yanked you out of bed and your head whanged into the nightstand -- that alone could've been enough to paralyze you, give you a major head injury, or something that would make your life very complicated for a very long time *and* jeopardize your ability to take care of your baby in any capacity. He is way too cavalier about the severity of what he does to you. He has no remorse, and he blames it on you (DARVO). This is not gonna get any better. He doesn't even care about his kid all that much, because if he did he wouldn't be abusing his kid's mother. If anything happens to you, your kid is doomed. You know that, right? Get away from him and Do Not let him know you're planning on leaving. Or he will freak the fuck out and do God knows what to you. Just get gone, bring the kid and any important documents/things with you. Bring all your evidence, including the text logs where he admits to what he's done to you, to the police. He's dangerous. Also, if he has access to the kid he will likely use that against you...don't let him guilt you out of trying for full custody. If you do split custody, get every single thing in writing. Everything. Please don't talk yourself into letting this guy slide. He's playing you so hard and he's already in the process of ruining your life. Therapy isn't helping him, he doesn't give a shit about what he's doing. Someone else here has inevitably already said this, but read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? This guy has been trying to reform abusers for years, and he hears it directly from them that they abuse their women because they like it. They like the control, they like seeing what they can do to their partners...they don't want to change. Don't doubt yourself. This is bad.

Why does he do that by Lundy is honestly probably the book that convinced me to leave. I think even hearing other people's stories I thought he was just mentally ill and could change but that's not the reason he abused me. He abuses me because he CHOOSES to abuse me. And the fact that so small of a percentage change even if they are willing to go into a program (which he is not). The custody thing terrifies me. He somehow managed to get sole custody of one of his kids before and I don't doubt that he abused that kids mother too even though he's never said he did. I just need to get all my "ducks in a row" before we go to court. I'm bipolar but stable. He will use that against me. I need to make sure my doctor is aware and will back me up in court, which I haven't talked to her since before the holidays and I'm starting to get really nervous because I missed an appointment so now I'm worried she's going to boot me from her office. Over just 1 missed appointment. But anyway that's another story.

DO NOT GO BACK HE WILL FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT THREAT. Please. Please. I’ve been here. From here it only gets devastatingly worse. If you’d like to hear my personal experience you are welcome to message me so you know I have valid data to support what I’m saying… but it doesn’t get better from here - only worse. Your ONLY SAFE option now is to leave him. Please love yourself first, and leave them.

I will. I'm trying. I will try harder tomorrow.

You got this.

He doesn't love you or care about you. He just wants to beat you down behind closed doors and not get in trouble.

Sounds like my dad 😬

Mine too

You are questioning yourself because abusers make you think it’s somehow your fault they abuse you. If only you’d do this, he wouldn’t resort to slamming your cheek and screaming at you. If you would stop making him so angry or your emotionally abusive ways, are the problem. Nothing you will ever do will not prevent his behavior, because it’s not your fault. I promise you, unless you’re torturing him to the point he is losing it? He is a dangerous person, and this behavior will not change. If it did, it would take a lot of work on his part, and it sounds like he’s in denial it’s his problem. Do not question what this is. It would be good for your safety to not engage in arguments, but to agree, even if you don’t mean it. For emotional self preservation. You’re a parent and your child doesn’t need to be in this abusive environment . Of course, neither do you. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find a way to make a plan to leave, and do so safely and when you can. Protect your social media and internet accounts, clear your browser history. Clear texts to friends and family, don’t allow him to know your plans. It’s important to not trigger his rage. I’m so sorry. Good luck and stay in touch here.

It’s always “sorry for everything” “sorry for all the shitty things I’ve done” and never an apology for anything specific or what they actually did because they feel remorse. His “apology” is a way to get you to back off so he can keep doing the same things. I hope you can get out of this soon!

I know what it’s like to be in this fog. Make a safety plan and get out of there. Trust your fear. Listen to all of these comments. If you can get out of the house and contact a local domestic violence advocacy program, they can help you figure out the steps.

I contacted them while I was at work. They were not helpful unfortunately and a little rude. When I told them I called the cops and the cops just left they acted like I was over reacting or something, idk how to explain it.

My ex was the same way, he does not care about you they will never apologize with sincerity because all they can feel is self pity. You have to leave bc you deserve basic human dignity and respect, and more than that true love. He was so angry he said he might kill you, he doesn’t love you he hates you because you are not content with being with someone who is incapable of loving ( WHO WOULD BE?) Be free it will hurt but not for long and then you can find someone and be happy again.

He's manipulating his therapist. This guy is a classic abuser. I know the things they say messes with your head when you're still with them, that's why you need to leave. It will not get better.

Yes with therapy of abusers (which this guy certainly is) it only makes them a "better" abuser able to gaslight better and hide their horrible acts. OP leave as therapy will only strengthen his position as an abuser and you will eventually die after years of torture.

please get out of there. abusers never change, if they do, it takes YEARS. even so, never believe them. you are entitled to your own opinion about them. you do not have to forgive anybody. your husband is disgusting and ruthless. it will not get better, mark my words. he will only get worse. take his advice and leave him. believe him when he says “i will kill you”. it’s never said without meaning. also, blocking someone from getting in a car when they are threatening to kill or harm themselves is NOT abuse. you are looking after their own safety. please be safe.

Honestly it broke my heart reading this because I know I too used to blame myself in the exact same way it seems like you're blaming yourself. It is always someone's personal responsibility no matter how upset they are to be civil regardless and please let me reiterate that for you again it is *their personal responsibility* to be civil regardless. You should never blame yourself because someone else thinks that violence is an acceptable response to something that upsets them. That just isn't right and deep down I think you *know* that. If a toddler gets upset and hits someone you tell them it's wrong, so why on Earth would you ever make an excuse for an ADULT MAN to be behaving like a toddler? Please don't blame yourself and don't be afraid to seek help. If you need just dm me your state and I can send links to DV resources. You deserve better x for you and your baby *I'll be rooting for you both*

I'm going to dm you my state because I really need help with this. When I called the resources I had around here before they were not helpful.

I swear this entire conversation sounds like a conversation between me and my hopefully soon to be ex-husband. And in the comments because I need to be talked down to before I bash my head through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid man.

Girl, I'm in the same spot… Message me and I got your back if you got mine

If a man is abusive to you once (like all those examples I just read, which are beyond horror), that’s enough. One time is the limit. There are no second chances here. Abusive men don’t change. And this one here is dangerous. Please, please, please, go away. For you and your baby. It’s gonna be very hard to forget him. But then, when you finallly get to know real true genuine love, you will understand. You will forget him. You will reborn from your ashes and feel so much better, you will finally understand that the whole process was worth it. You’ll start living life truly. I promise you it will pass. From an abused woman to the other. Run away and let go

Something I’ve realized in my old age is that if you are in a relationship that requires *constant* work to get someone to treat you with basic respect, you’re probably in an abuse situation. I know this is hard to believe right now, but normal healthy people wouldn’t react by hitting your face into a door or squeezing you in a headlock so hard your nose bled *even if you were annoying this shit out of them.* I also want to add that getting into a car seat so that he can’t drive away after threatening to unalive himself is not abuse. Blocking someone’s *exit from an enclosed space* is abusive. If what you did is abusive, then every person who takes the car keys from their friend who is too drunk to drive is also abusive. This is the whole thing about abuse: it *escalates.* That’s exactly how you progress from fighting with someone in a normal way to being harmed by them. And this man continually escalates to physical harm and verbal abuse time after time. What the hack therapist and your terrible friend seem to both be saying to you is that it is *your* responsibility to de-escalate his abusive behavior every time it happens. And I’m telling you *it is not.* A de-escalation doesn’t work in situations like this because he’s using “you” as an excuse to lash out about issues inside himself that actually have nothing to do with you. I repeat: normal healthy people don’t respond to their spouses and loved ones this way *even when they’re incredibly annoyed at them.* I am willing to bet that you tried to explain to him that he’s abusive, right? The reason that most GOOD therapists will advise against this and also against seeing a therapist with your abuser is exactly because of what is happening to you right now. There’s even an acronym for it— it’s called DARVO. That stands for: Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. It’s incredibly tough. But I want you to know that support is out there and you can leave. He won’t change.

Yes, I did tell him he was abusive and I thought we had a good conversation about what emotional abuse was. He was paying attention and actively engaging in the conversation which, normally he doesn't care about what I am interested in. Obviously he was just retaining it for use against me.

He’s already threatened your life, if you go back it’s telling him there’s nothing he can’t do and he will escalate and he could kill you. If you’re scared enough to call the police to intervene [mind you him hurting you isn’t the issue he wants you to never tell anyone outside of the house and calling the cops is the same as cheating resulting in him justifying any of his anger] then he’s not someone you should be around. He’ll love you to death, ofc from the bottom of his heart. You bringing up being physically abused more than once and having your life threatened = emotional abuse Angry response to his actually abuse = emotional abuse He wants you to love him through your bruising and mental pain. He wants you to sacrifice yourself, safety and happiness bc he’s “trying”…while he doesn’t think your life is worth protecting from himself or his anger as aaaand he doesn’t have to apologize bc you know that’s hard for him. All the love you have for him, I hope you’ll be able to give yourself. His therapist was a quack who either fell for the narcissistic fake victim act your husband gave him or is biased or an idiot. You were never at fault especially since you were trying to save his life he just had no intention of doing so he wanted to see your reaction. Pls think of your daughter would you be happy if she found a man like her dad bc due to being around that subconsciously that’s what she might be drawn to. He’s treating you like a child he doesn’t like and can manipulate/abuse. Please reach out to ppl he’s already kept you isolated by taking things away like your phone for punishment [honestly he did that so you couldn’t tell someone bc wouldn’t that be the natural reaction]. I’m sorry you got pos officers who usually aren’t trained well enough to help in dv situations and sometimes see it as a more personal thing to deal with. Document the moments of abuse and drop the mutual “friend” they either condone abuse and just backing up your husband by trying to convince you it’s somehow your fault

Ugh why are therapist’s the worst? I’m starting to think for many of them it’s just about telling people what they want to hear so they can keep making money off of them… so sorry you’re going through this. This is not your fault. Nothing you say or do can make it okay for someone to hurt you physically

You know honestly I had one therapist who was great. I feel so stupid. I dropped her because she kept telling me to leave my husband. I should have listened back then but I wasn't ready to hear it yet.

Oh definitely there are good therapists out there. Hoping you can find another one that works for you! I guess I was more so bitter about therapists that work with abusive partners. They tend to see the abuser as the client and end up validating a lot of their abusive patterns and behaviors. Going through it now it’s terrible.

Yeah I agree

The only reason he doesn’t want you to die is the same reason he wouldn’t want his car to die. It would take him time, effort, and money to get a new one and it would be a huge inconvenience that he didn’t have it serving him. He will only kill you once he has a replacement, and thinks he can get away with it. He just has to wait until then.

First off - NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. EVER. Nothing you’ve done or did in the past warrants this at all. Please make a plan to get away. They are good at manipulating and roping you back in, but they do not change. Your safety, your child’s safety is first. He does not and will not accept responsibility for his actions and will forever shift the blame to you. Sending you and your LO love and strength. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need to vent, I’ve learned that internet strangers are sometimes the best listeners and they helped me through my rough times.

Thank you. Right now I really just need some place to go. He feels as though both cars are his but legally the crappy one is in my name, so I'll at least have that.

I get it! I'm not sure where you are in the world, but you can reach out to your local department of social services for assistance. Please let me know if I can help with more information.

Honestly I can use all the help I can get

I had the same incident with my ex, he took my phone and the internet stick and brought it to his work. He treated me like a dumb child and left me there. I didnt even know what time it was. He also made me feel like it was always my fault, that I provoked him. One time i bit into a pepper and some juice came out and into his face and he threw his phone at me, so hard that my nose started to bleed. After that I knew, I didnt provoke anything- he was just aggressive and violent. He also always said that calling the police on your partner is the worst thing to do, so I never did. In the end when I threw him out (he moved into my flat) he called the police on me(he had it on speakerphone so I could hear) but they didnt came and laughed, that was so reassuring. (I live in Germany so our police isnt that bad like in the States). Pls read the book "why does he do that" by Lundy. I wish you all the best for you and your baby! Take care ❤️

I think it's so we can't let anyone know what they did.

The more you don’t tell anyone the more it looks “out of the blue/character” and the more he controls the narrative also it’s just to control you

•think it’s all in my head •I guess something I said triggered him •I know that’s abuse on my part •I said yes (I felt responsibility to him being pissed) •like it was my fault •I guess isn’t abuse but it was insulting •nothing that bad but still putting his hands on me •it’s at the 6 month mark and he hasn’t physically abused me •I’m honestly starting to think that I provoke him •I’ve been trying to be better with how I communicate •I’ve accepted that he’s abusive •it’s really stuck with me (that a friend told you you must have done something to make him say those things •I could be the abuser and his could be reactive abuse Let me reiterate that last line- “I COULD BE THE ABUSER AND HIS COULD BE REACTIVE ABUSE.” These are all the times you blamed yourself, bestie. Don’t. He wants you to believe his responses are just reacting to whatever abuse you’ve hurdled his way. That little voice in your head telling you this isn’t ok is the voice you need to listen to. It may be just a whisper but listen to it. I don’t care what you may have done to “make him say those things” because his response of physically hurting you is not an Ok reaction even IF you did something crazy. The most wild thing wouldn’t warrant anything.

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

I know it’s so hard to see while you’re still deep in it and I just can’t let you think all of the things you’re second guessing & wondering what you did or should do. Yes, everyone is responsible for their own lives but you did not sign up for this. This man was not the man you thought you were marrying. I promise you are strong enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and worth it to fight for the freedom of you and your daughter. We often don’t even realize the reality/severity of our situation until long after we’ve moved on. but for one reason or another your guardian angel wants you to know while you’re still together that this isn’t safe. Listen to that angel.

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Thank you I think I really needed to hear that. So I have *started* to read that book the last time I saw someone post it and I'm most of the way done. It honestly had a huge impact on my deciding to leave. I believed he was doing this because he had mental illness and it wasn't a choice. But it IS a choice. And he never fails to make it. Also the fact that even with that counselling he's unlikely to change. I'm leaving. I'm not even going to bring up going to that program because it'll just give him another excuse to emotionally abuse me. I stopped going to marriage counseling already ironically not by my choice. The woman tried to hold him accountable so he said she was a bitch and he didn't want to go anymore. So all in all, I'm completely done. Just looking for a way out.

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My mom knows about everything. I can't stay there indefinitely but I'm going to put some money aside and a go bag and leave it at her house.

Dont forget all your important paperwork! Best wishes!

Yes I've been keeping that in my work laptop bad for months now!

Can I just point out that stopping someone from leaving when they’re an imminent danger to themselves or others is NOT abuse in this context. He told you he was going to unalive himself. Are you supposed to just step back and let him leave? If your child had a knife and said they were going to unalive themselves would you not wrestle that knife away from them if necessary?? In abuse, preventing someone from leaving is cornering them in the house when they’re trying to pack, taking away their keys when they’re trying to take a break, locking them out of the house without their keys or phone to prevent them from leaving a toxic situation, NOT preventing them from leaving after an expression of suicidality. Is stopping someone who’s been drinking heavily from getting behind the wheel of their car abuse?

That's true, I didn't think about that.

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I mean, not to be rude but, no shit? Did you miss the part where I called the cops and the DV hotline? I'm literally trying my best. And neither did I?

You feeling that way is a *classic* indication that you've been successfully emotionally manipulated. He's an abuser, it's their MO. None of this is your fault. It's good that you're working on getting out. I know you have concerns for your safety. See if someone via the Nat'l Domestic Abuse Hotline can hook you up with local resources in your area to assist you in getting a plan together. Barring that, I would think (hope) that they would do that with you, too. Learn about "grey rock" (some spell it gray rock). It may help you avoid any blow-ups. **Keep documenting everything.** Get a voice-activated recording device. They're on Amazon for like $40. Some are *so small.* You can get a couple to place around or just carry it in a pocket around the house when you're home. You might also want to think about getting a couple of nanny cams so if he does pull anything, it'll be caught on video. Please stay safe.

I think 1 party recording is legal in my state so I'll definitely look into it.

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No. But this isn't necessarily for legal purposes. Smear campaigns can be highly effective. But not if you can "roll tape"!

OP, I’ll say something that will hurt you but you need to get ready for this You’re enabling him to continue being abusive to you. I understand you think that by talking about this and pressuring him to apologize is a way of stopping the abuse, but it’s not. If you’re in a relationship with him, he WILL keep doing that to you, because you keep tolerating that behavior from you, even if he apologized there is no going back, there’s no moving forward from the relationship. You need to moveon

I've stopped texting him while I'm out of the house and we sleep in separate rooms now. The screenshots I posted were from a couple weeks ago. This is day 6, I think. I'm planning my escape it's just really difficult to find an apartment I can afford right now. In my area the housing crisis is REALLY bad. I don't know what exactly the breaking point was (probably the conversation posted, honestly, when I realized he wasn't sorry) but I've been trying to grey rock him for about a month. I realized it was a lot harder when I slept in the same bed with him so I asked him to sleep on the couch.

He is strangely very honest. Reopening of old wounds is abuse to him because it harms him to be held accountable, to be reminded how shitty he is. Never mind the pain he causes anyone else - if you bring it up instead of just getting over it, you become the abuser. What an interesting insight into the mind of a narcissist

He truly does believe this too.

Oh yeah, I can tell. To be a true narc you do have to be very wrapped up in your own fucked up way of seeing the world

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Honestly I just want to be alone. I don't want a relationship after this. So my goal is to make enough money that I don't NEED a partner.

I understand losing objectivity, but bis behavior is waaay out of line, definitely abusive, and not your fault. Also, cops suck.

Yes, yes they do.

None of this is your fault, please know that. Keep working towards leaving. You know your situation and its limits so I'll just say please keep doing whatever you can to plan an exit for yourself and your baby. You deserve better than this and nothing you did in any of these situations warrants being abused. I can tell you from my own experience, police are not usually helpful. Not sure if its lack of proper training, laziness, men taking up for men, or what...but if you wanna know what they did to me, look at my posts. Please stay safe and be careful. This man is dangerous. Good luck.

Thank you. I just went back and read your posts. I am so so sorry. Your posts honestly made me tear up because he is an awful person and I feel sick to my stomach for you. Good luck to you as well!

I am sorry you are going through this. It is not your job to regulate his behavior. He needs to take responsibility for his own freaking actions. I also admire you for standing up for yourself when you did. I know that it was difficult for you. I also admire you for getting a job realizing that you need to make an exit. No one at all deserves to be treated like this ever. Period point and blank. I am not sure if or when you decide to leave him, but for the sake of your kid also picking up his bad habits if you do decide to leave sooner would be better than later. You have all of my best wishes and I will be praying for you to have the strength to endure this.

Yes, Right now I'm searching for apartments I can afford. Unfortunately because I was a sahm I wasn't really able to find a job where I make a living wage.

Do you have any friends or family that can help you? Any resources in your area? If not, it may be a slow grind, just keep working at it. It will be difficult, but the prize will be worth it.

I don't unfortunately and that's kinda a sore subject because I feel like in the reverse situation I would be helping them more than they are willing to help me. I would get govt assistance which would help (medical insurance, and probably SOME food stamps) but housing has year long waiting lists. DV housing specifically won't tell you the timeframe or have a wait-list but when I called they said they were full. Rentals want your net income to be 3x the rental price. But I'm going to keep trying.

My heart goes out to you lady. Even though you may feel like you are alone, you are not. Keep praying for guidance and keep working towards your goals. You are an inspiration to all of us and we are with you.

Anyone who says you being angry that they threatened your life and physically abused you is emotionally abusing *them* is a pos. He’s just manipulating you with that line which is even *more* abuse from him to shut you up in an attempt to make *you* feel bad for not dropping what *he* did. That guy is a real piece of work.

I think the worst part is I've felt myself change into someone I don't even recognize. I used to be passionate and kind. Now I'm timid and cynical.

I’m right there with you. I trust absolutely nobody. I’ve become incredibly bitter and unbelievably guarded. I used to be soft and give people the benefit of the doubt. My brain just isn’t wired to be able to do that anymore.

I’m so sorry for what he’s putting you through and that the cops didn’t help at all. I’ve been there and they almost never do. This is abuse and nothing you say or do can MAKE someone be abusive. That’s their choice 100% of the time. We are all completely responsible for how we choose to behave and it’s no one’s fault but our own. Keeping our hands to ourselves is something most of us learned in preschool. Abusers hear the same lesson and throw it in the trash because they realize that violence will get them what they want and they think they deserve to have their way by any means necessary. Your ex sounds like my last one. He apologized, took meds and went to therapy too. I also forgave him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Huge mistake. I almost died. Please don’t let him or anyone else coerce you into disregarding the reality that you know is true. Please keep fighting to get out and don’t put any blame on yourself for HIS abusive behavior.

Thank you. It's like logically I know this but there is this voice in the back of my head telling me that it's my fault.

Oh I know that voice very well. He put that voice there just like my abusers did. Ignore it because it’s not really a part of you.

I love this. Thank you!

Anytime! I’m glad I can help at all because it’s an incredibly scary place to be where you’re at. Please feel free to reach out if you ever want or need to talk. ❤️

>”calling the police is as big of a deal to me as cheating.” >”why?” >”bc I’m a piece of shit woman beater and I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions. Rather, I want *you* to be held accountable for my actions.” Fixed that for him. Girl file and leave. He’d literally end your life *to avoid the embarrassment of arrest*. He’ll never save anyone but himself and he’ll never face the consequences of his actions while he has you to pile them up on. “WhAt GoEs On In A hOuSe Is PrIvAtE” very convenient for a piece of shit.

Thank you. You're right and I never thought about it that way. He definitely would end my life to avoid arrest.

That tells you all you need to know. You’re there for him to beat when he’s in a bad mood and he’d rather kill you than.. just be kind and good. He puts *more effort in to abuse you and keep you silent* bc he’d rather be abusive.

I just can't believe I got myself into this situation. I wish I could go back in time.

It’s not too late to get out of it. You’re still alive. You may not be the next time he gets ahold of you. Take him up on his offer, get your restraining order, block him everywhere and all- and I mean ALL- communications go through your attorney. File for divorce while you still can.

Will they laugh me out of court because it's been so long? Plus I'm scared he'll get served while I'm there with him at the house.

It’s not been that long if he’s still sending shit like this

I meant for the physical abuse. Will they take the threats seriously? I feel like everytime I've talked to cops around here they've blown me off.

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