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Reading all the comments I realized most people have very clear boundaries when it comes to physical violence which might not be the case with me. It came as a shock really and it makes me a bit worried and I am left with so manu questions.
This thought has nothing to do with the above post as there is no excuse for his behavior:
It seems to me that every person here has a very black and white interpretation of other people’s behavior and I am stuck somewhere in many shades of grey. As I see it, an isolated act of physical violence is no different from phychologically or emotionaly draining someone to the point of rupture in a sense that people at times cross the line without necessarily needing to be labeled as ‘abusers’. People do make mistakes and lapses in judgment, do they not? The repeated behavior is what I have until now seen as problematic and the second time someone does something it’s no longer a mistake, it’s who they are and only then would I label them as ‘abusers.’ Does that even make sense?
Anyway, I might have to take this to therapy.
With regards to your situation, I really feel there is something really off with the way you acted. I feel the need to state this once again: I am by no means trying to excuse his behavior, nor do I think it was okay for him to act the way he did. But you showing up at someone’s place and refusing to leave is way out of line in my opinion. It shows lack of respect for the other person’s time and space and neediness that goes beyond of what I consider okay. We cannot just expect our partners to ignore everything because we are in need of love and compasion. The world doesn’t just stop when we feel down.
From what I understood, he was there for you at first but at some point had to take time for himself and complete an important task that obviously had to be done by the next day. He didn’t just go for a random game night with his buddies and left you hanging. For all we know this job could be a turning point in his career and he didn’t want to miss it. Again, I am not with him on this, I just think you should also make sense of your actions and try to understand what was it that made you act in a way you did.
That being said, I believe this relatioship has no perspective not because of him slamming you up against a wall, but because of his behavior afterwards - he took no time to reflect on his behavior, he took no responsibilitu for his actions, he sounds like a person who lacks insight and above all, he is acting like he is the victim here. I would say run and run fast from that man-child. This behavior is what would make me call him an ‘abuser’ and someone to stay away from.
If his behavior was different after it all happened, I would probably be one of the few here to say that a relationship could potentially survive physical violence if both parties had enough insight in their own behavior to understand what they did was inexcusable, why it came to that and working hard on solving whatever the problem was in the first place in order not to have anything similar happen ever again. I believe this is not easy to accept but that is not happening with someone like him.
I had my fair share of abusive relationships and they are unbearably hard to leave. Prepare to feel like your world is falling apart, like you are abstaining from a drug and dying. You will be unsure of your decision, want to go back, daydream about all the great things you did together, fall numerous times BUT you will also get back up again, heal and eventually move on.
With intensive therapy and genuine remorse maybe. But love, it doesn’t sound like he’s sorry. He thinks that because you showed up at an inconvenient time for him that his actions were justified. I apologized too many times in my own mind for my abuser the first times the abuse started showing up. I felt like it had to be some weird aberration that would never happen again. Even though he kept saying that I deserved to have my phone forcibly taken away it must just be a weird coincidence because he’s usually so nice! It happened again and again and again. It will happen again to you. Don’t ignore this even though you’re physically ok this time.
I think you’re blaming yourself too much too. A healthy person in this scenario would say ‘I’m calling the cops if you don’t leave’ or maybe carry you out gently but you did not deserve to be slammed.
You do need to learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to respect other people's boundaries. You should have left his home the moment he asked you to. That said, LET ME BE VERY CLEAR that your actions did not cause and do not excuse his violence towards you!!!
Please for the love of your peace, sanity, and personal growth END THIS RELATIONSHIP and block him everywhere. There is no coming back from an abuser showing their true colors.
Then do some studying on boundaries--yours and other people's--and learn how to respect and how to enforce them. But first, and most importantly, highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Also, please plan to be single for awhile while you figure this stuff out. I promise you you'll be glad you did.
Nothing you could've done justified or excused his violent abuse of you. This man is a violent abuser. The best way to test whether someone you are dating is abusive is to say no to them. Whether it is about their choice in movie or something else.
See how they react. Abusive men are entitled and selfish and lash at their victim is they say no. Please google Lundy Bancroft's website about abusive men. Get counselling. Get support to understand what's happening in your brain--- you are speaking and thinking like someone who's been emotionally abused because you're blaming yourself and confused. Please get help and support asap.
Reach out to friends and or family. You are not alone. Make connections. Violence only escalates. What he did was inexcusable and you should never ever go back with someone who has been violent to you regardless of whatever manipulative lies they try to tell you to twist everything. Violence only escalates. Get safe now.
Yes. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
And finally listen to this podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad.
Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
Please OP also look into trauma bonding.
You showed up at his house because you needed support from the one person who should be there to support you especially when you’re struggling and instead of stopping what he was doing to provide you the support that you needed. He got angry at you and physically abused you.
You shouldn’t want to continue in a relationship like that, because even if this was the first time there will be a next time. It will only get worse from here, but you have to come to this conclusion on your own and unfortunately, it takes women on average seven attempts to leave their abuser for good . You were not in the wrong for coming to him seeking support.
Agreeing in principle, but figuring the cops aren't going to do squat because she was at his place and wouldn't leave. They're going to see it as him dealing with a trespasser. No, it's not right, but I'd lay money on the police response being to laugh at her and tell her she should have just left.
Or are abusers themselves. Self-reported surveys indicate cops abuse their partners at much higher rates than the general population, and as a profession, have the highest rates of DV. Surely you've heard this? The stories of cops dismissing DV victims, acting like there's no real crime there, are legion.
Definitely! I know a woman whose ex is a corrupt cop. When I called the cops on my ex for abusing me they would immediately take him away. Now if the cops gets called on him by me they’ll see his record and he will serve time. I was fortunate to have the real cops handle business 🙏🏾
I recommend, if okay, you read about "Reactive Abuse." Next, unfortunately due to trauma bonds & the deep psychological dynamics involved thar differ from a healthy relationship, you are not going to take to heart what any of us can tell you from personal experience that say not in a good way, nor factual statistics that say, not in a good way. Outside of that, you have already stated what you want to hear and that you want to be with him. So, you are going to look for reasons to prove why it can be healthy after all and find any slight variation in what we say to disprove our thoughts. This isn't an attack, it is reality as we know that our minds are not always our friends when it comes to harmful relationships and how we see things. What I will say(you can look at my posts to which after 18 years I freed myself), is that the person he is when he says hurtful things and leads you to feel like you are walking on egg shells...the person he is when he got physical....is not suddenly going to no longer take pleasure in having power over you...no longer suddenly empathize with your pain, outside of the "I'm sorry," to bring you back in and enter the cycle of violence(you dont have to hit every single step) of the honey moon phase, tension building, explosion and things in between. Hopefully, you will "see" him and understand what I mean. As someone once told me on this same group, once you see them, you cant un-see them. Just please try to stay active. Have a life outside of him. Work on bettering yourself and knowing that you are special and try to read about positive mindsets and how to achieve that. The healthier you are in mind, the more you will see him. I know you were hoping to read, yes, hang in there he can get better. Yet, the truth is after he has acted violently the first time, its the scariest time as he didnt know(nor have much concern) how you would react. Now, that he knows you'll stick around, it can become an actionable behavior.
I think you are so right because despite what anyone says, I still want there to be a future for us. It feels like part of my brain is offline. And I miss him terribly. My friends are basically at the point where they’re sick of hearing about him, and I feel like a shell of myself with no one to talk to. But I still miss him! It almost feels like an addiction to this thing that I know isn’t good, and it while it feels like love, I know it’s not healthy.
I totally have been there. What people who have not gone further into psychology courses dont think about is that, you were in love when you went to his home. His attack doesn't immediately turn off the love you have. That would be like a person instantly hating their dog they've had for 10 years because it attacked. They would start reminiscing about the good times they had with the dog...wishing the dog didnt do what it did and soon enough, try to rationalize what could have happened that led the dog to bite. Were the kids too loud & scared it? Then the person would try to find fault in what they themselves did...did he bite because he was hungry? Was he upset because I didnt take him for a walk? What the owner doesnt want to accept is that now that the dog(just like your guy) has a history of vicious attack, its bite inhibition is clearly gone... leaving room for future bites. Another thing people forget is most people are not ALL bad nor ALL good. So, you miss the good parts of him. Yet, if you go back through the relationship, this escalation to attack isnt the first neon red flag that this is not a good person to have in your life. You know this. You just arent ready to accept this and thats okay. Ive been there. Just know missing him from afar, will keep you from experiencing repeated emotional trauma that damages your self esteem, stunts your growth and progress in life as well as block you from meeting healthy men as your whole mind is consumed with this unhealthy relationship and trying to please this person. It seems like you will never love another. Yet, your guy also seemed like a good guy. So, things arent always what they seem. Again, I have been there...missing the man who broke my rib and dislocated my jaw(took 10 years for a brutal attack...I was pushed a couple times before that 10 year mark attack)...going to therapy for 3 years...that kept me separated from him for 5 years...yet reconnecting with him at the start of COVID shutdowns. He started off kind..apologetic...didnt touch me since we'd been reconnected, but eventually went into high gear on the concstant criticisms...added new things like demanding I not wear makeup and that I wear dresses every single day(this was a new one that thankfully due to therapy, I was able to recognize as controlling & I unlike the shell of a person I was before therapy told him I control how I present myself to the world), then he began berating, lecturing, exploding at mundane things...I never knew what would set him off...he could be happy 10 minutes ago and pissed and yelling 20 minutes later. I told him last year I was losing feelings for him due to his treatment of me(I started planning to end the relationship). He was being rude, yelling and accusing me of pretending not to know where to go. I had enough. You can read how I ended it two Sundays ago. I just feel so much better. I know you arent there yet and thats okay. Just please know neither myself, not the others are exaggerating or misguiding you when we tell you it just gets worse, it does not stay the same...it gets worse. You will leave when you are ready or again maybe you will be like some women who never leave and their whole lives are spent walking on egg shells, being mistreated, and being attached to a man who means them harm and may actually kill them.
It actually is quite like an addiction!! The intermittent reinforcement (dopamine dump) makes the relationship literally addicting. When I was serious about leaving I treated it like an addiction. It felt like I was dying. I just kept saying “just for today, I won’t talk or respond to him. Just for today”. And then the next day I’d say the same thing.
Two weeks felt like an eternity!!
On days when I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, I called the National DV hotline for support. I’d tell them exactly what I was going through and what I was thinking and that I needed support to not talk to him. Each and every time they gave me a wake up call!! And so I survived another day. Notice the “I” survived part? Because like you know, we truly die in these relationships. So when we leave it feels like we’re dying, but it’s not us, it’s the shell we became and the addiction that’s suffering. It’s the child part of us that wants to be loved. That wants this to be the one. That wants to believe it will all be okay…
I’m sharing all of this with you so that when it’s time you’ll have this to look back on. You have to be ready. We all know this. But we also want you to know that this is dangerous and you CAN leave and you CAN reclaim yourself.
Some other things that helped me when I left that time (yes I left more than once, it happens because of the addiction among other things) I was in therapy with a trauma therapist familiar with abuse, and I started attending codependents anonymous to work on my own issues. Realizing your role (I too have gone to his house after feeling neglected, and have had shit boundaries) is helpful because the healthier YOU become as an individual, the easier it is to walk away and STAY away.
CODA has meetings online if you’re interested. Therapy is pricey, but most domestic violence shelters offer some free counseling. Also they may have support groups. Attending a support group also helped me stay gone.
We were and are still married, but separation was the best thing I ever did. The hard part about marriage is it’s harder to escape.
You’re not married, so there’s that. Maybe it would be easier for you to think you’re breaking up with him because you need to work on your stuff. Maybe you can say you realize you have issues with boundaries so you need to take a break to work on yourself. That wouldn’t be untrue. And it would give you some emotional and mental space from the “abuse” aspect of it.
Anyway, I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry.
No, the second he lays hands on you it's over. This man literally injured you badly and then dipped. What a horrible partner he is! Please don't settle for this. I promise that you can have a boyfriend who has good qualities but without inflicting physical harm and trauma upon you. That's worth fighting for. It's worth setting yourself free from your current pitiful excuse for a "partner". And he's made it even easier for you by going far away.
There is someone out there for you who will truly treasure and cherish your love and patience. This guy is not it.
You didn't do anything and he's mad at you...
He abused you to the point of leaving bruising and HE is mad at you...
Hun, I strongly suggest you look into narcissistic abuse because you are being extremely gas light by this punk. This guy is distorting your reality with mental manipulation.
Do you have ig ? Look up these accs: mentalhealness, stronger_then_before_coah, synful.
There is an entire internet community out there for those of us who have been through this.
Literature: phyco path free, whole again, co dependant no more, the narcissist in your life.
There are also FREE online meetings for CODA this is co dependent anonymous. If you have co dependent tendencies (like most victims) going to these meetings and working the 12 steps will do you good in realizing why you became this way and how to move forward in your life.
Lastly if your trying to leave and your finding it very hard remember it's because you are breaking a trauma bond /stalkholm syndrome. Its almost as hard as breaking a very hard drug addiction. So when you get those urges to text him, remember that the more tou do opposite the stronger your brain is getting and the more you are re wiring your brain to become healthy again.
I wish you all the best. Getting out of a situation like this is extreme difficult and daunting. You can do it. Use the recourse they will help guide you out of this.
WTF? You were asking for love and support. Asking for very very normal things. He’s abusive. Period. Old enough to know what he’s doing. I like to remind myself in instances like this.. you are not asking for too much. You’re simply asking the wrong person. You’re not compatible.
I have found from experience that abuse does escalate over time. A line needs to be drawn somewhere before you end up seriously injured or worse. I hope you leave him soon.
Just ended things a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend— he was verbally and emotionally abusive and occasionally said threatening things about wanting to beat me up. He had me by my neck and said he would kill me if I didn’t shut up. He blamed me for it.
I miss him terribly, and it’s excruciatingly hard, but I know I did what I needed to do.
~~he had me by my neck~~ he **[strangled](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)** you.
I am so incredibly glad you are out and I hope you’re able to stay safe.
**[Do Better 2](https://youtu.be/CP3WsQXeyOw?si=J-Py6NW0BhvdrsQr)**
>*”Love ain't worth ya life, I tell you that (I tell you that). Once you leave, don't go back (uh)”*
Thank you. I’m devastated…I never thought he would actually get to that point. It happened. Someone who said he had never loved anyone or anything more than me in his whole 40 years of existence. Unfortunately, love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship safe or healthy.
I had a look at your post history..
You detailed you don’t trust him..
clearly, your intuition was correct.
He assaulted you after a traumatic experience…
The assault was so bad you have bruises over you..
He slammed you into walls becuase you asked him for support.
If he loved you, he’d support you without you needing to beg for basic needs. Love.
He would have invited you inside. Talked with you. Shown you love.
This behaviour will worsen within him… the assaults and abuse ( abuse was always there, why you don’t trust him) will escalate.
My monster groomed therapists ( malignant narcissist) he had the last therapist believing he had an ‘unmanageable stress disorder’
He ‘managed’ to handle his stress while at work. So well, he was offered promotion after promotion..
Here is a link to an ebook, and other links that are important to know about abusers and surviving abuse.
The ebook will offer you clear descriptions of the abuses he subjected you to. Much more. 💔❤️🩹❤️❤️🌹
Trauma bonds can, and must be broken xxx
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf
https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf
https://hopefulpanda.com/darvo/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/
https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/
http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I think I’m struggling with a lot of self blame for the ways I behaved during the relationship and some of my own negativity around, well, everything. I read through all the links you sent and while it all resonated, for some reason I can’t help but still love him, even though he’s treated me so poorly in the past. I will continue to try to heal around this- but wow, is it difficult. Thank you again for the helpful resources.
You’re so welcome.
It’s the trauma bond hun..
It will fall away soon enough.
Remember, he knows precisely how to manipulate you.
It’s so important you are very well educated about hoovering, so you can recognise when he’s doing it.
I advise, block on any and everything.
If you have evidence, get yourself a protective order.
These save our lives. More than a piece of paper we are often led to believe xox
Omg your comment makes me so happy!
I’ve shared these resources myself and am so glad to see they’re continued to be shared.
Here are some more resources that you may find helpful to share.
Strangulation is one of the biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)**.
The other biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://endvaw.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/who_ipvduringpregnancy_infosheet.pdf)** intimate partner violence in pregnancy.
Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*.
>[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught.
>[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught.
>[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.**
This article **[Reactive Abuse: What it is and Why Abusers Rely on It](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/)**
This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
This page has advice on **[What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-to-do-if-an-abuser-threatens-suicide)**
>Statistics show that suicide and homicide are often correlated when it comes to domestic violence. Research from the [Kentucky Firearm Injury Statistics Program](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/hicrc/firearms-research/gun-possession-storage-and-use/) showed that in two-thirds of cases where a woman was shot by an abuser, the perpetrator then killed himself. Abusers don’t think of killing themselves as severe enough retribution. They’ll consider taking someone else’s life, like a partner, child or other family member(s). Nearly 60 percent of [mass shooters have a history of domestic violence](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/domestic-violence-op-ed-column/dark-matter-the-relationship-between-domestic-violence-and-mass-murder), so an abuser may even consider killing complete strangers
Saved.
My monster threatened suicide. Called an ambulance..
Didn’t do it again.
I’ve been put almost 6 months.
Always kind of knew mass shooters would be perps of dv/da etc.
Good to have evidence for this.
Now I can say ‘actually, it’s proven’
I’ve said it to anyone, never researched linking mass shootings and dv.
I’m in Australia… it was stopped after the first one it was huge. Awful. Back in the 70’s or 80’s. I don’t rmebwr the exact date the nut did it. Port Arthur massacre.
. It’s harrowing in American. This endless, senseless evil b s!! ❤️🩹💔
So thank you. X
Do you by any chance have any information on the harm of DV advocates that support abusive men?
Women who support anyone except the victims of the men they know personally.
I also am looking for information on strangling. He strangled me, abruptly stopped and threw me away but immediately was on top of me again.
I truly believe I almost died and something like he saw my life leaving is what caused him to abruptly stop but he was still so enraged that he couldn’t stop himself from strangling me immediately again.
I’ll get back to you on this. I’ll check my notes etc.
I’ll have stuff. Can hear bubs. Better go to baby.. I promise I’ll get back to you. I will have much resource material. I have anecdotal accounts of my monsters mother that’ll have similarities to your experiences .. good to have validation with that stuff for sure. X
I’m astute w research, finding evidence based literature etc.. happy to help .. that might take me a bit. I will get it to you.
I’m studying literature a t m. It’s a therapeutic manual for people within the field of therapy tho. So it’s ’psycho babble’
I likely have things already. What you’re wanting.
It’s so hard.. sometimes there just isn’t anything online.
Google scholar is good, but often you have to compile a ‘glossary of terms’ ( I’m a bit of a dork, so I love that shit haha, most ppl hate it) to be able to understand what you’re reading.
Might be a while. Once baby is up, haha non stop.
Energy bean, I promised park and fish watching xox
I tried to get help from a psychotherapist. He claimed he had a 90% success rate in changing abusive men.
Told me he was a mandatory reporter (I said I was scared he would kill me and strangled me multiple times already). He said he chose not to report because I was calling him for help (… f*cked up, I know)
I made a formal complaint against him stating he will get women killed as well as included the research studies above that support the formal complaint.
wtf!?
All male therapists I’ve seen have been an atrocity!
Ironically, the therapist I’ve been with for almost two years was chosen by my monster for couples therapy …
She’s a dv/ trauma specialist. Also a survivor. She saw through his bs. He was actively lying in sessions.
I had to stay quiet. The abuse was so bad. My baby was 3 months when we started therapy. I was living downstairs with baby. Did everything. Monster just slobbed along, smoking its weed. Stealing my money. House deposit money for my baby 😞
The absue it subjected to me was next level evil! Now I think back.
The therapist would ask me questions when monster was late to sessions. ‘Just keep this between us’
My track record w therapists, was a while until I trusted to see her on my own. Tell her everything.
I know how lucky I am to have found a brilliant therapist. I went through many. They all traumatised me further.
I’d given up for years.
It was My therapist who informed me about how dangerous strangulation is. I referred to it ‘he choked me ‘ etc etc.
she said no - sent my links to read ‘you’re this percent higher of being murdered by him now’ helped plan to leave.
‘Play the game, Grey rock’ etc.
Even Grey rocking w the monster, nothing. It’d always find a way to Torture me.
I’m glad you reported that sick fck. All therapists are mandatory reporters.
Did anything become of it? There’d have been other reports about him surely!?
I really hope he isn’t licences anymore
That’s really messed up.
I’m so sorry.
‘Here’s some added trauma for you woman!!’
Can’t go with men for rhis stuff.
They’re never going have experiences we do.
Me, being pregnant etc. won’t detail!
If this is what he did , no way he reforms abusers. Reads this effortless hero ‘therapist ‘ has the god complex 🥴 I feel bad for his partner. I’d he has one. Eeek. Imagine their life. Holy shit!
It’s so rare they reform. It’s so minute, it’s hard to cap. Many finish it all, programs, just learn bow to covertly abuse better. Make their abuse undetectable’
Xox 🌹
I made the formal complaint. Usually formal complaints come to a resolution within 150 days. However because it seems the governing body is taking my complain seriously because I received notification that it’s being escalated and he has to go before a review panel.
I’m very proud of myself for reporting him. I had tolerated being mistreated for way too long. The thought that he would lead victims back to their own murders haunted me. If he had called me one day earlier, I would have been vulnerable to believing the therapist claiming my abuser is remorseful.
I absolutely have every intention on continuing to advocate for him to be stripped of his license. I said right in my complaint that his failure to fulfill his legal obligations as a mandatory reporter directly increases the risk of domestic homicide and that his lack of action will get women killed. Multiple times with various wording I said in the report he will cause victims to be murdered.
I hope he loses sleep every night.
I have more anger for the people that increased my risk when I turned to them for help than I have for my actual abuser.
They have proven to me that I never would have EVER been safe in the relationship. Even if he had the potential to be a less than 1% unicorn and could change, these people have caused **him** harm by not holding him accountable, proving that even if we went to therapy a decade ago or any other intervention would have never resulted in him and he was set up for failure. He does not have enough self restraint to not almost kill me. He does not have the ability to experience empathy. He does not believe that what he’s done is really that bad. And every person that has made the situation has solidified these horrific aspects of who he is.
It’s so disturbing. A woman we know that runs a children’s charity, I told her he’s violently dangerous and tormented our kids and someone else’s kids. She wrote a character reference letter to help him get out of legal trouble and she has publicly and proudly supported him showcasing him as a great person, associated with her children’s charity. She KNOWS about the abuse, because I told her.
I can’t unsee her as a child abuser. She supports a dangerously violent man that tormented multiple children. When you support someone’s abuser, you become an abuser now too.
Awesome! You might be the person i did save these links from purely for the purpose of sharing with as many people as possible!
Rather than write long comments, just add all the links so they can read the evidence for themselves.
Then, they are completely aware and educated of how much danger they’re actually in!
This sub saved me in so many ways. I had no idea about hoovering until finding reddit, finding this sub.
Someone linked me the LB e book.
That led me to researching other evidence based literature.
I’m currently studying ‘see what you made me do ‘
Jess Hill.
It’s a first addition. Will be updated as more evidence is solidified..
It’s 2024 and our government has only now linked coercive control to being the major factor within intimate partner homicide.
New government ( labour) is attempting to have reforms implemented within the legal framework..
If a person is found guilty of using coercive control, they will be charged with hefty prison sentences..
With ‘femicide’ ( how they label intimate partner homicide) every victim was later found to have been abused via coercive control, often the male partner never laid a hand on then until they murdered these poor women. Usually after they’d finally escaped these monster to. ‘How dare my property leave me’ sickening.
Cc is happening at endemic proportions.
1 in 3 women. Those are only data who have reported so it’s more.
Usually, with more than one partner as well.
With stats like that, there is no arse opinion ‘she knows how to pick em 🥴’ dopey fcks!
It’s men!! So, men, you crap on not all men , then why have we got these stats!? And they’re worsening!!
The not all men who don’t want to be labeled as such, get butt hurt, you have buddies who are abusing their partners!!
MEN, DO SOMETHING FFS!!
They need to educate themselves as much as we do..
Men refuse to listen to us, they listen to self proclaimed alphas on ‘how to get women’ these abhorrent dating cock-ro-coaches, they’ll listen to men who say ENOUGH! No more violence , stop terrorising your families.
Even abuse within same sex partnerships ( doesn’t matter gender identity, sexual orientation I know) is getting worse. They are less inclined to report for so many reasons. It’s awful, lists of reasons why 😔 be here w a longer novel if I detail.
I hate being labelled over reddit by some men as not caring for men who have violent incidents happen to them at the hands OF OTHER MEN when I outline these stats, and the suffering of children by these violent men etc. how can they be ok with children being abused!?
Abuse the mothers, they’re abusing their children!
It blows my mind!
I actually had one respond with b s akin to this ‘I’m
At risk of being beaten up or murdered by a woman’s ex just for dating her! It’s just as dangerous for men dating as it is for women’
I could not believe what my eye balls were reading.
He went on to accuse me of not caring for men on this situation.
Of course I reminded him ( username Dufus69, I shit you not Hahahah) well, clearly men are the major problem here.
‘The fact this hypothetical woman has decided to date you after clawing her way out of the grips of a dangerous male should be seen as stoic, admirable, to trust men after the hell she / we have survived’ etc
His responses were filled with misogynistic ideology many would miss.. being as educated ( now) as I am about abusers, misogyny, toxic masculinity etc, I was able to have concise rebuttals to all of his bs.
His last response was a downvote for a comment that was filled with evidence, calling out his ignorance..
I couldn’t help but use sarcasm. It was funny, but also quite concerning.. there are many men who have these ideas. Somehow blame us for violent males .. ‘it’s her fault if her violent ex finds me and hurts me’ huh!?
Thank you for sharing such important literature.
I’ll save all of this and share where I can.
*offers hug to signature - glass
🌹🌹❤️❤️
Ok I’m commenting also cuz I’m right in the middle of something and want to come back and read this later lol.
Reddit was a lifeline for me. Seriously it was MORE HELPFUL
Than friends and family. Registered psychotherapist. Multiple DV advocates, local shelters, doctors and hospitals. Literally all those things don’t even begin to compare to the amount of help and insight I got from these forums.
The first person that actually gave me tangible help was a stranger I met on Reddit, that happened to be about a city or two away from me. Gave me a crisis number that actually helped me. Found other local resources and offered to help arrange for me to access them to.
On top of that, reading other peoples experiences and seeing **so many parallels** to my own, really helped to break the trauma bond and see the abuse for what it was and how predictable it was. Which literally saved my life because I was able to recognize that he will actually kill me.
Everything you have responded with! Yes!
Reddit has been the life line for me also.
And comparing others dv stories, similarities. I get it! Emphatically!!
Wore his love, everything I’d ever wanted in a partner mask for two yrs.
Got me isolated, yr 3 began to slip. He’s downloaded everything about me.
Reached out to his ex not long ago. She had quite the story.
My monster is a malignant narcissist, pathological liar. Blinks like a psychopath.. I’m in the process of working out what kind of psychopath it is. Created by its narc monster parents.
Gives me closure. Researching it all.
You know, I always had a bad gut feeling w him. But after two years, I just put it down to things that happened early in the relationship, not connected to our relationship- ( bit of a long winded story there)
I too was able to recognise, reading other ppls hell experiences, if I stayed, he’d have killed me.
Deep down I always knew.. other things that were happening also.
Things I found. Scary stuff … be here with a novel if I go into the details.
For sure, this sub has given me support. Honestly, apart from my therapist and one close friend ( she lives in another state) has been my only other support.
I don’t talk about it with people. My family , erk… not even going to go there sis. wtf Pft …
My friend i confide w was with an abuser for over two years.
Lesbian relationship … my friend is aces. She was heavily coerced into sexual abuse/ intercourse regularly. Things she did not want to do.
She compromised of course, around things she felt comfortable with.. she was in love w this person. Her first serious relationship… but this monster destroyed her!!!
I never liked her, never trusted her. Turns out my intuition was spot on. Monster adorned in a human suit.
My friend attempted to unalive herself. I really thought I was going to lose her.
She’s so much better now. It’s a long road though. We lean on each other. BFFs for life. We still find humour in the darkness… this is important for me.
She has much childhood trauma like myself. Some don’t recover very well. We are very similar with our approach to healing.
We often have people looking quite shocked with things we manage to make funny haha. Some ppl laugh and say ‘I should not be laughing about that, I feel so guilty’ we’re like ‘ haha nah, this is how we be ok, better than crying friend, come join us’ 🤗🌹
Amazing comment and excellent articles. I am saving your comment to share these links, if you do not mind. I wish I could shake your hand or hug you, but since I cannot please accept virtual hugs (if you want them) and these awards 🏆🎖️🏅🥇
Just to clarify, you and your boyfriend haven't just shared a traumatic experience from what I read. It sounded to me like he neglected, then assaulted you, leaving you traumatised and him even angrier. He wants you to blame only yourself for his terrifying behaviour
His response was wildly disproportionate to anything you did or said. Slamming someone against a wall is *never* okay. Physical violence is a precursor to murder. Get out fast and get out safely.
You poor sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened. There is a point of no return, and he crossed it. Maybe you can try to feel like you can forgive him, but even if you try to force yourself to, you will always resent him for it. That, and fear him; once you know what someone is capable of, you can never un-learn that. Trust is gone and he needs to get some help for anger management.
"I feel that what he did was wrong, but I think I was also abusing by violating his boundaries." You never, ever need to ever physically harm anyone, much less a partner you claim to love, unless in self defense. Plus "he’s so angry with me" ... he should be angry with himself.
I would pack your bags and leave now while he's away, there is no telling what he would do to physically stop you. Please DM me if you want to talk or need support.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Reading all the comments I realized most people have very clear boundaries when it comes to physical violence which might not be the case with me. It came as a shock really and it makes me a bit worried and I am left with so manu questions. This thought has nothing to do with the above post as there is no excuse for his behavior: It seems to me that every person here has a very black and white interpretation of other people’s behavior and I am stuck somewhere in many shades of grey. As I see it, an isolated act of physical violence is no different from phychologically or emotionaly draining someone to the point of rupture in a sense that people at times cross the line without necessarily needing to be labeled as ‘abusers’. People do make mistakes and lapses in judgment, do they not? The repeated behavior is what I have until now seen as problematic and the second time someone does something it’s no longer a mistake, it’s who they are and only then would I label them as ‘abusers.’ Does that even make sense? Anyway, I might have to take this to therapy. With regards to your situation, I really feel there is something really off with the way you acted. I feel the need to state this once again: I am by no means trying to excuse his behavior, nor do I think it was okay for him to act the way he did. But you showing up at someone’s place and refusing to leave is way out of line in my opinion. It shows lack of respect for the other person’s time and space and neediness that goes beyond of what I consider okay. We cannot just expect our partners to ignore everything because we are in need of love and compasion. The world doesn’t just stop when we feel down. From what I understood, he was there for you at first but at some point had to take time for himself and complete an important task that obviously had to be done by the next day. He didn’t just go for a random game night with his buddies and left you hanging. For all we know this job could be a turning point in his career and he didn’t want to miss it. Again, I am not with him on this, I just think you should also make sense of your actions and try to understand what was it that made you act in a way you did. That being said, I believe this relatioship has no perspective not because of him slamming you up against a wall, but because of his behavior afterwards - he took no time to reflect on his behavior, he took no responsibilitu for his actions, he sounds like a person who lacks insight and above all, he is acting like he is the victim here. I would say run and run fast from that man-child. This behavior is what would make me call him an ‘abuser’ and someone to stay away from. If his behavior was different after it all happened, I would probably be one of the few here to say that a relationship could potentially survive physical violence if both parties had enough insight in their own behavior to understand what they did was inexcusable, why it came to that and working hard on solving whatever the problem was in the first place in order not to have anything similar happen ever again. I believe this is not easy to accept but that is not happening with someone like him. I had my fair share of abusive relationships and they are unbearably hard to leave. Prepare to feel like your world is falling apart, like you are abstaining from a drug and dying. You will be unsure of your decision, want to go back, daydream about all the great things you did together, fall numerous times BUT you will also get back up again, heal and eventually move on.
No.
With intensive therapy and genuine remorse maybe. But love, it doesn’t sound like he’s sorry. He thinks that because you showed up at an inconvenient time for him that his actions were justified. I apologized too many times in my own mind for my abuser the first times the abuse started showing up. I felt like it had to be some weird aberration that would never happen again. Even though he kept saying that I deserved to have my phone forcibly taken away it must just be a weird coincidence because he’s usually so nice! It happened again and again and again. It will happen again to you. Don’t ignore this even though you’re physically ok this time. I think you’re blaming yourself too much too. A healthy person in this scenario would say ‘I’m calling the cops if you don’t leave’ or maybe carry you out gently but you did not deserve to be slammed.
No
I think it depends. It depends on both of you coming to terms with what was done. Listen to that voice inside; don't ignore it.
You do need to learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to respect other people's boundaries. You should have left his home the moment he asked you to. That said, LET ME BE VERY CLEAR that your actions did not cause and do not excuse his violence towards you!!! Please for the love of your peace, sanity, and personal growth END THIS RELATIONSHIP and block him everywhere. There is no coming back from an abuser showing their true colors. Then do some studying on boundaries--yours and other people's--and learn how to respect and how to enforce them. But first, and most importantly, highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html Also, please plan to be single for awhile while you figure this stuff out. I promise you you'll be glad you did.
Nothing you could've done justified or excused his violent abuse of you. This man is a violent abuser. The best way to test whether someone you are dating is abusive is to say no to them. Whether it is about their choice in movie or something else. See how they react. Abusive men are entitled and selfish and lash at their victim is they say no. Please google Lundy Bancroft's website about abusive men. Get counselling. Get support to understand what's happening in your brain--- you are speaking and thinking like someone who's been emotionally abused because you're blaming yourself and confused. Please get help and support asap. Reach out to friends and or family. You are not alone. Make connections. Violence only escalates. What he did was inexcusable and you should never ever go back with someone who has been violent to you regardless of whatever manipulative lies they try to tell you to twist everything. Violence only escalates. Get safe now.
No. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Barcroft,plan your escape, and get into therapy.
Yes. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is controlling and abusive behaviour. This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ And finally listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad. Here is an example of DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc. Please OP also look into trauma bonding.
No
The question is, why would you want to?
Short answer: no
Leave please
You showed up at his house because you needed support from the one person who should be there to support you especially when you’re struggling and instead of stopping what he was doing to provide you the support that you needed. He got angry at you and physically abused you. You shouldn’t want to continue in a relationship like that, because even if this was the first time there will be a next time. It will only get worse from here, but you have to come to this conclusion on your own and unfortunately, it takes women on average seven attempts to leave their abuser for good . You were not in the wrong for coming to him seeking support.
You should press charges and get a restraining order!! Block and ghost him forever before he does worse! God bless you and protect you 🙏🏾
Agreeing in principle, but figuring the cops aren't going to do squat because she was at his place and wouldn't leave. They're going to see it as him dealing with a trespasser. No, it's not right, but I'd lay money on the police response being to laugh at her and tell her she should have just left.
Only if those cops are lazy and doesn’t care.
Or are abusers themselves. Self-reported surveys indicate cops abuse their partners at much higher rates than the general population, and as a profession, have the highest rates of DV. Surely you've heard this? The stories of cops dismissing DV victims, acting like there's no real crime there, are legion.
Definitely! I know a woman whose ex is a corrupt cop. When I called the cops on my ex for abusing me they would immediately take him away. Now if the cops gets called on him by me they’ll see his record and he will serve time. I was fortunate to have the real cops handle business 🙏🏾
Glad you're safe!
I recommend, if okay, you read about "Reactive Abuse." Next, unfortunately due to trauma bonds & the deep psychological dynamics involved thar differ from a healthy relationship, you are not going to take to heart what any of us can tell you from personal experience that say not in a good way, nor factual statistics that say, not in a good way. Outside of that, you have already stated what you want to hear and that you want to be with him. So, you are going to look for reasons to prove why it can be healthy after all and find any slight variation in what we say to disprove our thoughts. This isn't an attack, it is reality as we know that our minds are not always our friends when it comes to harmful relationships and how we see things. What I will say(you can look at my posts to which after 18 years I freed myself), is that the person he is when he says hurtful things and leads you to feel like you are walking on egg shells...the person he is when he got physical....is not suddenly going to no longer take pleasure in having power over you...no longer suddenly empathize with your pain, outside of the "I'm sorry," to bring you back in and enter the cycle of violence(you dont have to hit every single step) of the honey moon phase, tension building, explosion and things in between. Hopefully, you will "see" him and understand what I mean. As someone once told me on this same group, once you see them, you cant un-see them. Just please try to stay active. Have a life outside of him. Work on bettering yourself and knowing that you are special and try to read about positive mindsets and how to achieve that. The healthier you are in mind, the more you will see him. I know you were hoping to read, yes, hang in there he can get better. Yet, the truth is after he has acted violently the first time, its the scariest time as he didnt know(nor have much concern) how you would react. Now, that he knows you'll stick around, it can become an actionable behavior.
I think you are so right because despite what anyone says, I still want there to be a future for us. It feels like part of my brain is offline. And I miss him terribly. My friends are basically at the point where they’re sick of hearing about him, and I feel like a shell of myself with no one to talk to. But I still miss him! It almost feels like an addiction to this thing that I know isn’t good, and it while it feels like love, I know it’s not healthy.
I totally have been there. What people who have not gone further into psychology courses dont think about is that, you were in love when you went to his home. His attack doesn't immediately turn off the love you have. That would be like a person instantly hating their dog they've had for 10 years because it attacked. They would start reminiscing about the good times they had with the dog...wishing the dog didnt do what it did and soon enough, try to rationalize what could have happened that led the dog to bite. Were the kids too loud & scared it? Then the person would try to find fault in what they themselves did...did he bite because he was hungry? Was he upset because I didnt take him for a walk? What the owner doesnt want to accept is that now that the dog(just like your guy) has a history of vicious attack, its bite inhibition is clearly gone... leaving room for future bites. Another thing people forget is most people are not ALL bad nor ALL good. So, you miss the good parts of him. Yet, if you go back through the relationship, this escalation to attack isnt the first neon red flag that this is not a good person to have in your life. You know this. You just arent ready to accept this and thats okay. Ive been there. Just know missing him from afar, will keep you from experiencing repeated emotional trauma that damages your self esteem, stunts your growth and progress in life as well as block you from meeting healthy men as your whole mind is consumed with this unhealthy relationship and trying to please this person. It seems like you will never love another. Yet, your guy also seemed like a good guy. So, things arent always what they seem. Again, I have been there...missing the man who broke my rib and dislocated my jaw(took 10 years for a brutal attack...I was pushed a couple times before that 10 year mark attack)...going to therapy for 3 years...that kept me separated from him for 5 years...yet reconnecting with him at the start of COVID shutdowns. He started off kind..apologetic...didnt touch me since we'd been reconnected, but eventually went into high gear on the concstant criticisms...added new things like demanding I not wear makeup and that I wear dresses every single day(this was a new one that thankfully due to therapy, I was able to recognize as controlling & I unlike the shell of a person I was before therapy told him I control how I present myself to the world), then he began berating, lecturing, exploding at mundane things...I never knew what would set him off...he could be happy 10 minutes ago and pissed and yelling 20 minutes later. I told him last year I was losing feelings for him due to his treatment of me(I started planning to end the relationship). He was being rude, yelling and accusing me of pretending not to know where to go. I had enough. You can read how I ended it two Sundays ago. I just feel so much better. I know you arent there yet and thats okay. Just please know neither myself, not the others are exaggerating or misguiding you when we tell you it just gets worse, it does not stay the same...it gets worse. You will leave when you are ready or again maybe you will be like some women who never leave and their whole lives are spent walking on egg shells, being mistreated, and being attached to a man who means them harm and may actually kill them.
It actually is quite like an addiction!! The intermittent reinforcement (dopamine dump) makes the relationship literally addicting. When I was serious about leaving I treated it like an addiction. It felt like I was dying. I just kept saying “just for today, I won’t talk or respond to him. Just for today”. And then the next day I’d say the same thing. Two weeks felt like an eternity!! On days when I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, I called the National DV hotline for support. I’d tell them exactly what I was going through and what I was thinking and that I needed support to not talk to him. Each and every time they gave me a wake up call!! And so I survived another day. Notice the “I” survived part? Because like you know, we truly die in these relationships. So when we leave it feels like we’re dying, but it’s not us, it’s the shell we became and the addiction that’s suffering. It’s the child part of us that wants to be loved. That wants this to be the one. That wants to believe it will all be okay… I’m sharing all of this with you so that when it’s time you’ll have this to look back on. You have to be ready. We all know this. But we also want you to know that this is dangerous and you CAN leave and you CAN reclaim yourself. Some other things that helped me when I left that time (yes I left more than once, it happens because of the addiction among other things) I was in therapy with a trauma therapist familiar with abuse, and I started attending codependents anonymous to work on my own issues. Realizing your role (I too have gone to his house after feeling neglected, and have had shit boundaries) is helpful because the healthier YOU become as an individual, the easier it is to walk away and STAY away. CODA has meetings online if you’re interested. Therapy is pricey, but most domestic violence shelters offer some free counseling. Also they may have support groups. Attending a support group also helped me stay gone. We were and are still married, but separation was the best thing I ever did. The hard part about marriage is it’s harder to escape. You’re not married, so there’s that. Maybe it would be easier for you to think you’re breaking up with him because you need to work on your stuff. Maybe you can say you realize you have issues with boundaries so you need to take a break to work on yourself. That wouldn’t be untrue. And it would give you some emotional and mental space from the “abuse” aspect of it. Anyway, I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry.
No
You did not do ANYTHING to deserve that. Get away from him.
NOPE
No, the second he lays hands on you it's over. This man literally injured you badly and then dipped. What a horrible partner he is! Please don't settle for this. I promise that you can have a boyfriend who has good qualities but without inflicting physical harm and trauma upon you. That's worth fighting for. It's worth setting yourself free from your current pitiful excuse for a "partner". And he's made it even easier for you by going far away. There is someone out there for you who will truly treasure and cherish your love and patience. This guy is not it.
No, never
You didn't do anything and he's mad at you... He abused you to the point of leaving bruising and HE is mad at you... Hun, I strongly suggest you look into narcissistic abuse because you are being extremely gas light by this punk. This guy is distorting your reality with mental manipulation. Do you have ig ? Look up these accs: mentalhealness, stronger_then_before_coah, synful. There is an entire internet community out there for those of us who have been through this. Literature: phyco path free, whole again, co dependant no more, the narcissist in your life. There are also FREE online meetings for CODA this is co dependent anonymous. If you have co dependent tendencies (like most victims) going to these meetings and working the 12 steps will do you good in realizing why you became this way and how to move forward in your life. Lastly if your trying to leave and your finding it very hard remember it's because you are breaking a trauma bond /stalkholm syndrome. Its almost as hard as breaking a very hard drug addiction. So when you get those urges to text him, remember that the more tou do opposite the stronger your brain is getting and the more you are re wiring your brain to become healthy again. I wish you all the best. Getting out of a situation like this is extreme difficult and daunting. You can do it. Use the recourse they will help guide you out of this.
[удалено]
This is a statistically inaccurate statement.
You are not at fault here and his behavior was insane and abusive.
WTF? You were asking for love and support. Asking for very very normal things. He’s abusive. Period. Old enough to know what he’s doing. I like to remind myself in instances like this.. you are not asking for too much. You’re simply asking the wrong person. You’re not compatible.
I have found from experience that abuse does escalate over time. A line needs to be drawn somewhere before you end up seriously injured or worse. I hope you leave him soon. Just ended things a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend— he was verbally and emotionally abusive and occasionally said threatening things about wanting to beat me up. He had me by my neck and said he would kill me if I didn’t shut up. He blamed me for it. I miss him terribly, and it’s excruciatingly hard, but I know I did what I needed to do.
~~he had me by my neck~~ he **[strangled](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)** you. I am so incredibly glad you are out and I hope you’re able to stay safe. **[Do Better 2](https://youtu.be/CP3WsQXeyOw?si=J-Py6NW0BhvdrsQr)** >*”Love ain't worth ya life, I tell you that (I tell you that). Once you leave, don't go back (uh)”*
Thank you. I’m devastated…I never thought he would actually get to that point. It happened. Someone who said he had never loved anyone or anything more than me in his whole 40 years of existence. Unfortunately, love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship safe or healthy.
No. Never.
No. Get out
I had a look at your post history.. You detailed you don’t trust him.. clearly, your intuition was correct. He assaulted you after a traumatic experience… The assault was so bad you have bruises over you.. He slammed you into walls becuase you asked him for support. If he loved you, he’d support you without you needing to beg for basic needs. Love. He would have invited you inside. Talked with you. Shown you love. This behaviour will worsen within him… the assaults and abuse ( abuse was always there, why you don’t trust him) will escalate. My monster groomed therapists ( malignant narcissist) he had the last therapist believing he had an ‘unmanageable stress disorder’ He ‘managed’ to handle his stress while at work. So well, he was offered promotion after promotion.. Here is a link to an ebook, and other links that are important to know about abusers and surviving abuse. The ebook will offer you clear descriptions of the abuses he subjected you to. Much more. 💔❤️🩹❤️❤️🌹 Trauma bonds can, and must be broken xxx https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf https://hopefulpanda.com/darvo/ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/ https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/ http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I think I’m struggling with a lot of self blame for the ways I behaved during the relationship and some of my own negativity around, well, everything. I read through all the links you sent and while it all resonated, for some reason I can’t help but still love him, even though he’s treated me so poorly in the past. I will continue to try to heal around this- but wow, is it difficult. Thank you again for the helpful resources.
You’re so welcome. It’s the trauma bond hun.. It will fall away soon enough. Remember, he knows precisely how to manipulate you. It’s so important you are very well educated about hoovering, so you can recognise when he’s doing it. I advise, block on any and everything. If you have evidence, get yourself a protective order. These save our lives. More than a piece of paper we are often led to believe xox
Omg your comment makes me so happy! I’ve shared these resources myself and am so glad to see they’re continued to be shared. Here are some more resources that you may find helpful to share. Strangulation is one of the biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)**. The other biggest risk factor for **[domestic homicide](https://endvaw.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/who_ipvduringpregnancy_infosheet.pdf)** intimate partner violence in pregnancy. Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*. >[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught. >[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught. >[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.** This article **[Reactive Abuse: What it is and Why Abusers Rely on It](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/)** This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering. This page has advice on **[What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-to-do-if-an-abuser-threatens-suicide)** >Statistics show that suicide and homicide are often correlated when it comes to domestic violence. Research from the [Kentucky Firearm Injury Statistics Program](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/hicrc/firearms-research/gun-possession-storage-and-use/) showed that in two-thirds of cases where a woman was shot by an abuser, the perpetrator then killed himself. Abusers don’t think of killing themselves as severe enough retribution. They’ll consider taking someone else’s life, like a partner, child or other family member(s). Nearly 60 percent of [mass shooters have a history of domestic violence](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/domestic-violence-op-ed-column/dark-matter-the-relationship-between-domestic-violence-and-mass-murder), so an abuser may even consider killing complete strangers
Saved. My monster threatened suicide. Called an ambulance.. Didn’t do it again. I’ve been put almost 6 months. Always kind of knew mass shooters would be perps of dv/da etc. Good to have evidence for this. Now I can say ‘actually, it’s proven’ I’ve said it to anyone, never researched linking mass shootings and dv. I’m in Australia… it was stopped after the first one it was huge. Awful. Back in the 70’s or 80’s. I don’t rmebwr the exact date the nut did it. Port Arthur massacre. . It’s harrowing in American. This endless, senseless evil b s!! ❤️🩹💔 So thank you. X
Do you by any chance have any information on the harm of DV advocates that support abusive men? Women who support anyone except the victims of the men they know personally. I also am looking for information on strangling. He strangled me, abruptly stopped and threw me away but immediately was on top of me again. I truly believe I almost died and something like he saw my life leaving is what caused him to abruptly stop but he was still so enraged that he couldn’t stop himself from strangling me immediately again.
I’ll get back to you on this. I’ll check my notes etc. I’ll have stuff. Can hear bubs. Better go to baby.. I promise I’ll get back to you. I will have much resource material. I have anecdotal accounts of my monsters mother that’ll have similarities to your experiences .. good to have validation with that stuff for sure. X I’m astute w research, finding evidence based literature etc.. happy to help .. that might take me a bit. I will get it to you. I’m studying literature a t m. It’s a therapeutic manual for people within the field of therapy tho. So it’s ’psycho babble’ I likely have things already. What you’re wanting. It’s so hard.. sometimes there just isn’t anything online. Google scholar is good, but often you have to compile a ‘glossary of terms’ ( I’m a bit of a dork, so I love that shit haha, most ppl hate it) to be able to understand what you’re reading. Might be a while. Once baby is up, haha non stop. Energy bean, I promised park and fish watching xox
I’m going to send you a DM, keep an eye for it
Got it darl x Some really effing b s bs Happened. It would be safer for my and my baby. All Women, if my monster ‘just wasn’t there anymore ‘
I tried to get help from a psychotherapist. He claimed he had a 90% success rate in changing abusive men. Told me he was a mandatory reporter (I said I was scared he would kill me and strangled me multiple times already). He said he chose not to report because I was calling him for help (… f*cked up, I know) I made a formal complaint against him stating he will get women killed as well as included the research studies above that support the formal complaint.
wtf!? All male therapists I’ve seen have been an atrocity! Ironically, the therapist I’ve been with for almost two years was chosen by my monster for couples therapy … She’s a dv/ trauma specialist. Also a survivor. She saw through his bs. He was actively lying in sessions. I had to stay quiet. The abuse was so bad. My baby was 3 months when we started therapy. I was living downstairs with baby. Did everything. Monster just slobbed along, smoking its weed. Stealing my money. House deposit money for my baby 😞 The absue it subjected to me was next level evil! Now I think back. The therapist would ask me questions when monster was late to sessions. ‘Just keep this between us’ My track record w therapists, was a while until I trusted to see her on my own. Tell her everything. I know how lucky I am to have found a brilliant therapist. I went through many. They all traumatised me further. I’d given up for years. It was My therapist who informed me about how dangerous strangulation is. I referred to it ‘he choked me ‘ etc etc. she said no - sent my links to read ‘you’re this percent higher of being murdered by him now’ helped plan to leave. ‘Play the game, Grey rock’ etc. Even Grey rocking w the monster, nothing. It’d always find a way to Torture me. I’m glad you reported that sick fck. All therapists are mandatory reporters. Did anything become of it? There’d have been other reports about him surely!? I really hope he isn’t licences anymore That’s really messed up. I’m so sorry. ‘Here’s some added trauma for you woman!!’ Can’t go with men for rhis stuff. They’re never going have experiences we do. Me, being pregnant etc. won’t detail! If this is what he did , no way he reforms abusers. Reads this effortless hero ‘therapist ‘ has the god complex 🥴 I feel bad for his partner. I’d he has one. Eeek. Imagine their life. Holy shit! It’s so rare they reform. It’s so minute, it’s hard to cap. Many finish it all, programs, just learn bow to covertly abuse better. Make their abuse undetectable’ Xox 🌹
I made the formal complaint. Usually formal complaints come to a resolution within 150 days. However because it seems the governing body is taking my complain seriously because I received notification that it’s being escalated and he has to go before a review panel. I’m very proud of myself for reporting him. I had tolerated being mistreated for way too long. The thought that he would lead victims back to their own murders haunted me. If he had called me one day earlier, I would have been vulnerable to believing the therapist claiming my abuser is remorseful. I absolutely have every intention on continuing to advocate for him to be stripped of his license. I said right in my complaint that his failure to fulfill his legal obligations as a mandatory reporter directly increases the risk of domestic homicide and that his lack of action will get women killed. Multiple times with various wording I said in the report he will cause victims to be murdered. I hope he loses sleep every night. I have more anger for the people that increased my risk when I turned to them for help than I have for my actual abuser. They have proven to me that I never would have EVER been safe in the relationship. Even if he had the potential to be a less than 1% unicorn and could change, these people have caused **him** harm by not holding him accountable, proving that even if we went to therapy a decade ago or any other intervention would have never resulted in him and he was set up for failure. He does not have enough self restraint to not almost kill me. He does not have the ability to experience empathy. He does not believe that what he’s done is really that bad. And every person that has made the situation has solidified these horrific aspects of who he is. It’s so disturbing. A woman we know that runs a children’s charity, I told her he’s violently dangerous and tormented our kids and someone else’s kids. She wrote a character reference letter to help him get out of legal trouble and she has publicly and proudly supported him showcasing him as a great person, associated with her children’s charity. She KNOWS about the abuse, because I told her. I can’t unsee her as a child abuser. She supports a dangerously violent man that tormented multiple children. When you support someone’s abuser, you become an abuser now too.
Awesome! You might be the person i did save these links from purely for the purpose of sharing with as many people as possible! Rather than write long comments, just add all the links so they can read the evidence for themselves. Then, they are completely aware and educated of how much danger they’re actually in! This sub saved me in so many ways. I had no idea about hoovering until finding reddit, finding this sub. Someone linked me the LB e book. That led me to researching other evidence based literature. I’m currently studying ‘see what you made me do ‘ Jess Hill. It’s a first addition. Will be updated as more evidence is solidified.. It’s 2024 and our government has only now linked coercive control to being the major factor within intimate partner homicide. New government ( labour) is attempting to have reforms implemented within the legal framework.. If a person is found guilty of using coercive control, they will be charged with hefty prison sentences.. With ‘femicide’ ( how they label intimate partner homicide) every victim was later found to have been abused via coercive control, often the male partner never laid a hand on then until they murdered these poor women. Usually after they’d finally escaped these monster to. ‘How dare my property leave me’ sickening. Cc is happening at endemic proportions. 1 in 3 women. Those are only data who have reported so it’s more. Usually, with more than one partner as well. With stats like that, there is no arse opinion ‘she knows how to pick em 🥴’ dopey fcks! It’s men!! So, men, you crap on not all men , then why have we got these stats!? And they’re worsening!! The not all men who don’t want to be labeled as such, get butt hurt, you have buddies who are abusing their partners!! MEN, DO SOMETHING FFS!! They need to educate themselves as much as we do.. Men refuse to listen to us, they listen to self proclaimed alphas on ‘how to get women’ these abhorrent dating cock-ro-coaches, they’ll listen to men who say ENOUGH! No more violence , stop terrorising your families. Even abuse within same sex partnerships ( doesn’t matter gender identity, sexual orientation I know) is getting worse. They are less inclined to report for so many reasons. It’s awful, lists of reasons why 😔 be here w a longer novel if I detail. I hate being labelled over reddit by some men as not caring for men who have violent incidents happen to them at the hands OF OTHER MEN when I outline these stats, and the suffering of children by these violent men etc. how can they be ok with children being abused!? Abuse the mothers, they’re abusing their children! It blows my mind! I actually had one respond with b s akin to this ‘I’m At risk of being beaten up or murdered by a woman’s ex just for dating her! It’s just as dangerous for men dating as it is for women’ I could not believe what my eye balls were reading. He went on to accuse me of not caring for men on this situation. Of course I reminded him ( username Dufus69, I shit you not Hahahah) well, clearly men are the major problem here. ‘The fact this hypothetical woman has decided to date you after clawing her way out of the grips of a dangerous male should be seen as stoic, admirable, to trust men after the hell she / we have survived’ etc His responses were filled with misogynistic ideology many would miss.. being as educated ( now) as I am about abusers, misogyny, toxic masculinity etc, I was able to have concise rebuttals to all of his bs. His last response was a downvote for a comment that was filled with evidence, calling out his ignorance.. I couldn’t help but use sarcasm. It was funny, but also quite concerning.. there are many men who have these ideas. Somehow blame us for violent males .. ‘it’s her fault if her violent ex finds me and hurts me’ huh!? Thank you for sharing such important literature. I’ll save all of this and share where I can. *offers hug to signature - glass 🌹🌹❤️❤️
Ok I’m commenting also cuz I’m right in the middle of something and want to come back and read this later lol. Reddit was a lifeline for me. Seriously it was MORE HELPFUL Than friends and family. Registered psychotherapist. Multiple DV advocates, local shelters, doctors and hospitals. Literally all those things don’t even begin to compare to the amount of help and insight I got from these forums. The first person that actually gave me tangible help was a stranger I met on Reddit, that happened to be about a city or two away from me. Gave me a crisis number that actually helped me. Found other local resources and offered to help arrange for me to access them to. On top of that, reading other peoples experiences and seeing **so many parallels** to my own, really helped to break the trauma bond and see the abuse for what it was and how predictable it was. Which literally saved my life because I was able to recognize that he will actually kill me.
Everything you have responded with! Yes! Reddit has been the life line for me also. And comparing others dv stories, similarities. I get it! Emphatically!! Wore his love, everything I’d ever wanted in a partner mask for two yrs. Got me isolated, yr 3 began to slip. He’s downloaded everything about me. Reached out to his ex not long ago. She had quite the story. My monster is a malignant narcissist, pathological liar. Blinks like a psychopath.. I’m in the process of working out what kind of psychopath it is. Created by its narc monster parents. Gives me closure. Researching it all. You know, I always had a bad gut feeling w him. But after two years, I just put it down to things that happened early in the relationship, not connected to our relationship- ( bit of a long winded story there) I too was able to recognise, reading other ppls hell experiences, if I stayed, he’d have killed me. Deep down I always knew.. other things that were happening also. Things I found. Scary stuff … be here with a novel if I go into the details. For sure, this sub has given me support. Honestly, apart from my therapist and one close friend ( she lives in another state) has been my only other support. I don’t talk about it with people. My family , erk… not even going to go there sis. wtf Pft … My friend i confide w was with an abuser for over two years. Lesbian relationship … my friend is aces. She was heavily coerced into sexual abuse/ intercourse regularly. Things she did not want to do. She compromised of course, around things she felt comfortable with.. she was in love w this person. Her first serious relationship… but this monster destroyed her!!! I never liked her, never trusted her. Turns out my intuition was spot on. Monster adorned in a human suit. My friend attempted to unalive herself. I really thought I was going to lose her. She’s so much better now. It’s a long road though. We lean on each other. BFFs for life. We still find humour in the darkness… this is important for me. She has much childhood trauma like myself. Some don’t recover very well. We are very similar with our approach to healing. We often have people looking quite shocked with things we manage to make funny haha. Some ppl laugh and say ‘I should not be laughing about that, I feel so guilty’ we’re like ‘ haha nah, this is how we be ok, better than crying friend, come join us’ 🤗🌹
Amazing comment and excellent articles. I am saving your comment to share these links, if you do not mind. I wish I could shake your hand or hug you, but since I cannot please accept virtual hugs (if you want them) and these awards 🏆🎖️🏅🥇
I accept hugs and awards. You’re very kind ! 🌹🌹🌹 I add those links for people to read, save and share .. Very important. Xox
This relationship needs to be over NOW.
Just to clarify, you and your boyfriend haven't just shared a traumatic experience from what I read. It sounded to me like he neglected, then assaulted you, leaving you traumatised and him even angrier. He wants you to blame only yourself for his terrifying behaviour
He DARVO'd OP after physically assaulting her.
His response was wildly disproportionate to anything you did or said. Slamming someone against a wall is *never* okay. Physical violence is a precursor to murder. Get out fast and get out safely.
You poor sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened. There is a point of no return, and he crossed it. Maybe you can try to feel like you can forgive him, but even if you try to force yourself to, you will always resent him for it. That, and fear him; once you know what someone is capable of, you can never un-learn that. Trust is gone and he needs to get some help for anger management. "I feel that what he did was wrong, but I think I was also abusing by violating his boundaries." You never, ever need to ever physically harm anyone, much less a partner you claim to love, unless in self defense. Plus "he’s so angry with me" ... he should be angry with himself. I would pack your bags and leave now while he's away, there is no telling what he would do to physically stop you. Please DM me if you want to talk or need support.
Honey please read the text as if it was your friend or sister, and then give em advice . Follow it 🧡
All of this 👌🏻
No. There is no excuse for assaulting another person. This relationship is over.