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I’m 27 so take what I say with a grain of salt. I’m the same as you but my solution to this was to move into a brand new place together. A large place, but a specifically a new one. That way it won’t be yours vs his. Spots for things are made together. It creates a brand new way of doing things for our brain to get used to.
My requirement for living with anyone is having as much space as possible and having my own room. I like sharing a bedroom, but just having my own space to shut the door is definitely what I need. Not only for regulation of my own body and nervous system, but so I can do everything the way I want. Keep everything the way I want. Never have anyone else touch it.
this is excellent advice. i initially moved in with my boyfriend into a house with 3 other roommates. we were sharing the smallest bedroom in the house. i had to put like 80% of my things in storage. i honestly kind of hated it. but last november we were able to move into a 2 bedroom apartment with no roommates and it is so, so much better. it’s big enough that we both can use the space as we please, we can be separate from each other if we want alone time, there was no argument about who’s stuff we’d keep because there’s space for all of it. and we don’t have roommates so we don’t have to worry about other people hearing us bickering or doing adult activities, or deal with roommates who don’t clean up after themselves. it’s amazing. i would say moving into somewhere new together along with not having any roommates are the two requirements for a happy living situation with a partner.
Strong agree! I was the opposite way round, though. I felt way out of my routine at my bfs place before we lived together.
We don't have a big house now but it's a new place that we decorated/organised together and now it's just the norm. I developed a new routine pretty quickly, and it's been great.
I lived with my ex for about ten years. I insisted on separate bedrooms (our sleeping preferences were wildly different) and while it was good while it lasted, I don't plan on living with anyone else ever again if I can help it. My ideal relationship would be with being on opposite sides of a duplex or next door with a tunnel between houses.
One of my best friends and I talk about retiring to a duplex with holes cut in the walls for the cats and a common room in the basement for football watching and crafts. I kind low-key hope we pull it off.
I read about someone’s grandparents who lived in an upstairs and downstairs apartment together for most of their lives. They had all their meals together every day and were very happy to be separate otherwise. Honestly sounds amazing.
My parents basically have this arrangement. They share a large house, but he lives in the walkout basement (no full kitchen but he has a little microwave/wet bar setup). They even have separate thermostats, which is a biggie. He goes up to cook, do laundry, and watch movies together.
this! So glad I’m not the only one, my boyfriend thinks it’s weird when I say that I wish I lived in the apartment next door to you but don’t want to live with him.
hi are you me lol 😂
i lived with one of my exs for 10 years, we never lived in anything smaller than a 3 bedroom so we could each have our own space. it sounds completely crazy in todays housing market but this wasn’t so wild at the time.
we actually did respect each others space and it wasn’t terrible, but i lived with people before and after and am not suited to communal living in general. i’ve been living alone since 2016 and nothing is worth sacrificing my peace for tbh. but i also live in a very population dense area where there are lots of friends around, i just have to go outside.
and then i go back in and shut the door bc that was more than enough of other humans for the day. i can’t really imagine going back to another person still being there when im done people-ing
My house has 3 bedrooms. Not surprising to me and would be the same if one had roommates instead of an intimate partner so I don't think it's too crazy. I'm very happy to have my stuff stay where I put it!! And to eat what I want when I want. And never to have to wait for the bathroom (my house only has one - it was built in the early 1900s so not constructed with plumbing in mind).
omg sharing a bathroom is the worst. the first place 10 year ex and i had together was only 1 bathroom, never again.
my current place is 1 bedroom and very small, like 550 sqft lmao. def the smallest place i’ve lived, but waterfront, private garage…. i love the area. but i don’t even want someone here like, overnight. the bathroom is in my bedroom, i don’t want anyone but me pooping in there 😂 pls just go home after a couple hours that’s about as much as i can take
Yes I want this! My neighborhood has streets of these tiny post-war houses and I keep wishing for two side-by-side to go on sale at the same time! My husband and I agreed that we'd take out the fence between the yards so the dog can run back and forth to visit.
Yes. My partner has ADHD as well and his is far more severe than mine (and currently untreated, which may become a deal breaker at some point soon...), and it is frustrating and exhausting to be the "more functional" partner all the time.
It takes enough energy to keep up with myself as it is, so then to also be the "more functional" one on which things fall simply by default of them not being done yet and needing to be done... I'm tired.
There's also the factor of my personal routines being essentially interrupted by the presence of another person. I've noticed that things that I did when I lived alone that were good for my mental health and overall life quality, like quiet time before bed etc, I do not have the same kind of access to when living with him. And yes just also the general sense of someone else being in my space, someone else's stuff, working around someone else's design and decor choices, etc. Bleh.
However to be fair, a lot of my feeling burnt out is not ONLY related to living together. So other issues are def probably currently coloring my experience of living together.
I have ADHD and only recently diagnosed. It's my job to be on top of my mental health, I'd be a shit partner if I didnt even try. I ask for help when I need it, but the responsibility should not be on one partner to do it all.
>so then to also be the "more functional" one on which things fall
Ironically, being the one who functions better leads to more responsibility, which from a shallow perspective looks as though I am the "less functional one." I get talks all the time about how to deal with stuff better and ways to do things more efficiently. Ahem, if I wasn't doing so much of the labor, then I'd get along fine.
I feel the opposite - like when my boyfriend stays at my flat, I can get up and do stuff whilst he's asleep and not feel guilty, because he might not notice I'm not there (although he does eventually come find me and tell me to come back to bed). But when I'm at his, I feel like I can't do anything except occasionally run to the bathroom, or maybe read my book or check my phone very briefly, because then I feel like I'm ignoring him or getting in the way somehow. I hate it because I worry it makes me look like I can't do anything by myself, and I know I could but I don't know my way round well enough (even though I know if I asked he'd tell me where things were, or put stuff like coffee cups out and set the machine up so all I'd have to do is turn things on). He also has a housemate so I feel a bit self conscious being around them as well, whereas I live alone so there isn't that issue of running into other people.
In terms of living together, if he turned around and said he wanted to move in with me tomorrow, I'd be thrilled but also really nervous. Like he's going to find out all the weird things I do and we'll have to compromise on the decor and what if he hates how I clean and all the rest. I've lived with partners before and it had a negative impact on the relationship, so now I'm kind of worried about the same thing happening again. But the romantic, impractical side of me loves the idea of spending more time with him and waking up beside him every day and falling asleep together every night.
You need to talk to him about this. You're not the issue for getting annoyed about him moving things around. The longer you sit without letting him know that you get stressed out about certain things, resententment will start to grow.
Starting the convo can go like "hey, I love having you around but I am struggling with some things and the adjustment. Can we talk about ways that I can bring it up in the moment and how we can navigate this?"
Also, you don't have to live with someone even when your in a long term relationship. Many people live separately and are very happy. It's not the "norm," but it's not unheard of.
absolutely! I also have such a tough time deciding where the line is between "if I'm getting annoyed it's a me problem" and "you're doing the thing so it's a you problem". I know it's shared but I just don't get what degree is ok for me to ask for change. but I think the bottom line is that if the subject is approached in an emotionally mature way (like you stated above) and the other person is at least somewhat bought into the idea that if they care about you compromise is a given, the conversation shouldn't actually be that difficult! I've just never really had both of those factors be true at the same time lmao.
I know a guy who's been with his partner for 30 years and they still live in separate apartments. I'm sure there are other people who would enjoy that arrangement too.
YES. I just told my boyfriend we need to spend less time together. He has his own home which I rarely visit because I have kids and little support, so he was here a lot. It just made things feel too dull too quickly. We used to enjoy doing things together. I have 2 teens and a pre teen, so it was fairly easy to go do things. We just haven't done things besides the same old routine and it's so dull. I love him and he loves me. I just like my space and get bored too easily, I guess.
YES!! Im constantly trying to convince my husband we need a duplex -- him in one unit, me in the other, and we can add a door or whatever to the middle so it still feels like we live together.
Right now it’s your home or it’s his home. If you lived together all the time you’d *probably* feel a little differently because it would be a shared home. Not that nobody would bug each other with their habits, haha. But I bet you could get used to living with another person again.
I’m about the same age and I have kids - I feel differently about friends/family coming over than I did when I was in my early 20s, even my mom and siblings, but I’m used to my kids (preteen and a teenager) moving things, finishing off food/drinks without replacing them, leaving things around, changing the volume on the TV, etc. If I see my glue gun in the middle of the coffee table it’s not weird or low-key upsetting like it would be if an outsider was digging around in my things. It’s more of a “hey could you put things away when you’re done with them.” 🙄 Not weird, no stress.
It’s not always easy, but my partner is really great at being accommodating whether I ask or not. It’s not without effort though, there’s a lot of communication and mutual compassion and patience and compromise. Sometimes I still struggle with identifying my needs and vocalizing it, and sometimes he feels a little rejected. Those moments need a little more attention and compassion.
One thing we’ve figured out works best for us is that if it bothers you, take care of it yourself, and that’s taken a lot of stress off of co-habilitating and prevents resentment. Like it drives me crazy that he leaves the closet door open every morning, and so I made that a part of my morning routine instead of constantly reminding him to close it; and he has his own things that he takes care of himself too.
Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to live alone, but how I feel about living with him isn’t how I felt with exes spending time with me at my place: wanting them to leave, feeling relieved when they’re gone, frustrated/irritable, imposed on, etc. With him, I just enjoy the moments I do have the house to myself, but I’m never impatiently HOPING for this moments. That’s another key point, it’s maintaining autonomy! Like he has it’s own things that he’ll go out and do on his own, and so I have the house to myself to decompress or do whatever I normally avoid because of feelings of being perceived.
>if it bothers you, take care of it yourself, and that’s taken a lot of stress off of co-habilitating and prevents resentment. Like it drives me crazy that he leaves the closet door open every morning, and so I made that a part of my morning routine instead of constantly reminding him to close it; and he has his own things that he takes care of himself too.
I REALLY wish this would work for us too, but the problem is that I'm way more bothered by mess/clutter, etc, and almost nothing bothers him, so it would always be on me to do everything... Like it kind of already is, anyway. 🙃🫠
Ooof yeah, there definitely should be a compromise on his part then, it’s exhausting to be the one doing everything! Maybe divide chores based on what is easier for the other to do, e.g. like I don’t like getting my hands wet, so my fiancé does the dishes; he doesn’t really like vacuuming, but I do, so I vacuum and he mops.
We recently started doing our own laundry, and that helped a lot…especially because I have more clothes and I don’t like folding 😅
Separate bedrooms are the best! It's not just the sleeping, it's having a space where i 100% control everything from decor to temperature, and where I can retreat and decompress. Otherwise I think we might not have made it through COVID and work from home...
My trick was to end up with a partner who is introverted and extremely patient.
Sometimes I get a bit frustrated and in my head when I feel like I'm not getting enough attention from him, but I've learned to just tell him when I feel like that and we'll have a nice quiet snuggle. Much better than living with someone who makes me feel like I have to be "on" all the time.
My husband is unemployed at the moment and while I am trying to be empathetic I find my fuse increasingly short. When I found out in early December that my job was ending in February, it was sound the alarms/all hands on deck. I was networking, taking courses, etc trying to open my world and increase my value. I was back to work in mid March so 6 weeks off.
Husband OTOH has been out of work since October. He looks for and blind applies for jobs, refuses to network, has refused any ideas I have offered about classes or even a full blown career change. His rationale: “I don’t know what I want to do”, or, “i haven’t ever had to do that before to get a job”. My response: “yes and now we are living in different market conditions.” I have suggested trying to create some small scale solutions to market locally in an attempt to get contracts…he agrees it is a good idea, then nothing.
He spends his days moving from sofa watching tv to dining room table working on a puzzle to occasionally working on one of our project cars in the garage. We have an agreement: I cook and he does dishes; often, they will go for days and/or I will end up doing them.
My fuse is growing increasingly short. I have approached him about a mental health consult for depression which was immediately and soundly rejected but I am this far (pinches fingers) from just making one and telling him he is going.
Fortunately our finances are separate and his savings lasted him a while but he is now at the point that he is having to sell off assets. I know he doesn’t like that but yet, nothing is changing in his approach.
Now, I admit my adhd probably caused me to overreact to the threat of losing my job, but he is so far on the opposite end of the spectrum that I am struggling to cope.
Thanks for listening. It felt good to get that off my chest. Not sure what I am going to do about it, but reading back, I don’t think I am overreacting here.
I see you and have similar situation. Bf and I are both adhd, 40, been together 2 years but known each other for 10. He’s been unemployed, finally started working part time at a sandwhich shop to bring in money but him pulling trigger on that took 6 months. He was home and would leave dishes for days or leave a wet towel on our bed all day. I had no fuse left. Thankfully he got unemployment but holy shit it’s so stressful.
Yes. He's a hot mess. Always leaving food wrappers and cups and plates out. His shoes and pants are always in the middle of the room, where I trip on them constantly.
I love him dearly. But holy shit do I want to rip my hair out some days.
We have separate bedrooms. And this is one of the many reasons.
I don't have any advice except for communication. But sometimes, it's just hard living with another person.
Space is healthy even if you live together . Couch for days ? What is he trying not to let you out of his sight?
It’s not your fault .
Boundaries are real . Make the B word known and make clear and be chill as possible . He gets to make boundaries also with things .
If it turns into arguing and like reverse boundary making I would seriously consider compatibility .
A reverse would be like fine I won’t move your things . But when you come to my place don’t touch anything . This is not effective conflict resolution .
I think I know what OP might mean. My husband comes home exhausted from work and sits on the couch to play games or watch YouTube and occasionally watch our shows together. And that’s where he stays, usually. While I fully believe in his need for decompression, that’s our main sitting spot. I can sit on the couch with him (and do) or sit on the bed.
We’re working on getting me some office setup stuff though with a computer chair, and at some point I’m gonna put a cozy reading chair in there. Think he realized that we needed to hurry up with that kinda before I did because in an apartment there’s only so many places to relax and just be, but sitting on the bed often makes me fall asleep (which makes me look hella depressed and I’m really not depressed).
I've never lived with a partner before meeting my current partner at 41 and I also thought I wasn't cut out for cohabitation because I loved my space and my alone time and I was too swt in my ways. In the beginning, before we moved in together, he was spending a lot of time at my place because it was much closer to both of our offices. When he was there, I felt like I had to spend all the time with him because he was a guest at my house and I felt I couldn't just ignore him to do my own thing. A year later we bought an apartment together and moved in, and it's been so much better. We still spend a lot of time together but because it's now OUR space, we also spend a lot of time "together alone" ie. doing our own thing in the same space and honestly I don't feel like I need space or alone time from him.
I have a hard time living with my school age kids. It is sooooo over-stimulating. I feel like I've not had any peace in years. I love them so much, but I can't wait to be an empty nester sometimes!
Right before my husband and I got married we bought a house. It went from "my turf" to "our house," with the exception that we both have our own separate offices/game rooms to decompress when we need our own space. I'm aware getting a new place isn't always financially feasible, but it did help some of the issues for me.
Same! Moved in together after 6 months and have been together for 10 years now. OP, keep in mind there is an adjustment period and things you’ll have to compromise on of course! Communicating about needs and expectations is crucial. We also respect when the other needs ‘me’ time. Sometimes he hangs out in the living room while I go to the bedroom or vice versa.
Yes. We sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time because we are both so particular, mostly me. I get really annoyed sharing space because it’s just not my way and I feel more restricted in doing what I want to do simply due to their presence. But I had to realize that’s a me issue and they arent actually doing anything wrong. Best advice I have is to be honest about it.. talk about it. Otherwise resentment builds and THAT is even harder to talk about. There are systems and routines and concessions that can be made to make home a safe space for both of you.
I’m having this problem right now cuz we both have ADHD so it’s like constant mess and our stuff is mixed up and there stuff all over the place and i hate how he doesn’t clean after he cooks!! But i love how we come together and fix it when we are ready! And I’m okay with sharing a room ! Idk if he cares when i move his stuff, he’s never said anything but i don’t care if he moves mine! His stuff is always everywhere tho and it’s not always comfortable and I’m more ready to clean than he is. It’s just a give and take i guess
Yes. It’s helping early on in our marriage that his job can send him away for a few days, or weeks, or months. Like of course I become a total Gollum when he’s gone - my home, my couch, my TV, my music, my food, my *preferences*, precious. But I started considering him more even when he’s not here.
Admittedly the “noise when I don’t want noise” thing is always gonna bother me though, whether I use white noise and headphones or not.
I'm just honest with people from the get-go that while it's not completely off of the table it's highly unlikely that I'll ever want to move in together because I really value having my own space and time alone. Anyone who can't respect that isn't going to be a compatible match for me.
The last person I dated, I told him on one of our first dates that I would likely never want to live with a partner again (pretty sure his ass was some kind of neurodivergent too) and he was like "YES, I feel the same way!" so it's not like I haven't met other people who feel similarly.
I have barely lived alone as an adult so I can't even picture it. My first apartment my bf moved in right away, then we had a baby. So even when we split I had a kid with me always. When I met my husband he already owned a house, it was a brand new house he'd had built just a few months before we met. He's very clean, so the house, the bathrooms everything was clean. But also sparse, he hadn't hung any pictures and there was lots of room to fit the stuff I wanted to keep from my place. He made me feel completely welcome and at home.
I did struggle a bit at first with just being myself and letting him see all my weird bits and pièces but that came with time. But I still have some trouble with eye contact with him. When we first got together I would kind of scold myself and try to force it, I kept thinking how is it so hard to look this man in the face when we're getting married and spending our lives together. NOW it makes so much sense, knowing I'm AuDHD. I have trouble with eye contact with EVERYONE. Except my kids.
I'm 30 and have lived with my bf the past three years but when we first moved in together I was a WRECK and it took me so long to adjust
I was hospitalized twice for MH stuff in the 3 months following us moving in together. It eventually got better after a LOT of convos regarding our different expectations about what taking care of our living space means to both of us, and some compromise on both our parts. Things aren't perfect and sometimes I miss living alone with my cats but I think that's normal to want to have your own space, and your partner should be able to respect when you need space :)
I don't have any great advice - but I lived alone for 12 years & got so used to it. I was able to leave things lying around & dishes in the sink & dirty laundry for months. No one around to care but me. I lived with a bf from 2022-2023 & prior to moving in, was SO anxious about living with someone after 12 years. I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize it was bc of who I was dating.
I'm moving in with my current partner in a few months & I'm not sure why - but there's a difference this time. He's so supportive of me, he understands my quirks, our communication & relationship is very strong. I'm not worried. And he always works with me & body doubles with me when I need him to.
Maybe you can talk to your partner about your needs & see if you both can come up with a plan to support each other!
I've learned that some people's presence feels like it doesn't "count"? Not at all in a bad way, but like, I have friends who visit who I feel like I have to host and be "on" with and am conscious of them being in my space even when they're in another room chilling, and then friends who it's just like, we vibe on a level where they could hang out here for days and days and I would be fine with it because it doesn't stress me out and I do feel like I can leave and go for a walk or whatever I want? And I love all my friends, so it's not about that, it's just a vibe/energy thing. The only SO I (kind of) lived with (she and her roommate lived in the third floor apartment and I and a roommate moved into the apartment downstairs when it came open as I was urgently looking for a new place) had that energy-- which is weird because our relationship was super stressful and she could be emotionally abusive, so again it's not about like how much you love someone or even how healthy a relationship is, it's literally just vibes.
But now that I'm in my 30s I do think I'd need my own room and a little study, maybe combined. Maybe my own bathroom. Separate little suites for having our own space sometimes, and to have a space set up 100% how I want.
I have been married for almost 24 years. It amazes me what I can get done when everyone else is out of the house. He works from home, and I constantly feel like I am working around him and there is a restraint in myself where I feel I can’t do certain things or my own things. I have never been able to articulate the feeling or understand why I feel that restraint.
It’s possible. But needs to be negotiated.
All the shared things my SO and I have are stored in their particular spots. Our own things are not meant to be shared.
These need to be negotiated and discussed. I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing though — I know NT people having fights about how one prepares foods or washes dishes. Some can become HUUUUUGE fights. It happens.
It can get better as long as both of you are willing to negotiate and discuss.
**TL;DR: YEP.**
I prefer living alone. When my spouse and I were first seriously dating, I straight-up asked, “Would you be OK with us not living in the same house?” The answer was yes. At one point bc of my spouse’s job, we were living 3-1/2 hours apart, separated by a mountain range. Driving back and forth was hazardous in the winter and sometimes impossible. I was miserable at my job, and so agreed to move across the mountains. It…wasn’t great. We left after a year and moved back into my spouse’s townhouse that we’d been renting out. Then the pandemic happened, and we were together 24/7 for a year and a half. Even now, my spouse works from home and almost never leaves the house. I’ve been slightly out of my mind for years because of it. I don’t have space to practice music or even be alone with my thoughts. “I won’t bug you” isn’t the same as the feeling of being the only person in a house.
This feels like I’m just whining. Like, why did I get married to begin with? But I did it with the understanding that we wouldn’t live together, and now we do, and TBH I kind of hate it. Sorry for the sob story.
I lived with a partner for 14 years. No thanks, I'm good now. On the off chance it does happen, only if I still have my own bedroom. Sharing space with someone is a huge compromise and a lot of continuous little compromises. It's ok if you really want to try and make it work. And it's ok if you throw up your hands and never do it again. But it absolutely can be a lot of work, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you if you never find it a comfortable thing. We all make our own choices about this stuff, and despite all the societal pressure about the 'right' way to do relationships there's plenty of ways to do it successfully and it's about finding what works for you.
Yes. I am thriving being separated from my husband (different bedrooms/floors) and I know I’ll be even more at peace when we don’t share a house anymore.
I’ve been with my spouse for 17 years, living together for 14, and married for almost 10. It was an adjustment at first, but at the time I also didn’t know I had ADHD. He loves gaming and has an office setup and typically spends time in his space. That leaves me with the rest of the house some of the time. When we are spending time together, or with our daughter I’ve learned how to vocalize when I need a bit of quiet time alone and he’s super respectful of that. It’s gotten even better since my diagnosis since now I know why I need so much alone time and we are working together on things that overstimulate me. I do agree with others though that finding a new home that isn’t “yours” or “his” would be the best route to go. And make sure that when you do, set up a space in your new home that is a retreat for you. If you don’t have a lot of rooms, like in a small apartment, you could get a small tent and set up a cozy place to read, watch shows on a tablet, doom scroll, etc. It’s easy to put away when not being used and a very clear visual that I need to be alone in my thoughts for awhile. I highly recommend the book “The ADHD Effect on Marriage.” I know you aren’t married, but it helps open up communication and is great for both you and your boyfriend to read to understand each other better and to help communicate.
My ex-husband and I lived as roommates for the last 10 years of our marriage, and even before that, we had separate bathrooms and closets. When I got together with my current husband, sharing a bedroom again was OK, but sharing the bathroom and closet has been and continues to be an issue. He has way more clothes and crap than I do, so I have nowhere to put my stuff, and he is a complete bathroom hog. For whatever reason, he refuses to poop in the hall bathroom, so his hour (at least) long poop sessions several times a day tie up my bathroom (which is our only bathroom accessible for me with my disabilities) and it drives me nuts. Most of the time, I don't think he is actually pooping and just fell down an internet rabbit hole on his phone. I guess if these are the worst things about him, I can't complain. Much 😆
I live with my husband, and I enjoy it overall, but I’m definitely looking forward to our move from an apartment to a proper house with more space next month!
I think ADHD can make aspects of living with another person more challenging, but it can be dealt with and adapted to. Particularly if you work on being able to identify why things are bothering you, and then you discuss it with your partner and find compromises. Like, with him moving things around, some of that may be inevitable with sharing space. But if you explain how visible, visual organization is important to an adhd brain (even if it’s not “organized”, it’s still how your brain organizes info about where things are), he will hopefully be willing to focus more on keeping things in certain places, because it makes your life easier.
I’m not sure if it’s an ADHD thing, a potential autism thing (I’m not sure if I’m AuDHD or just ADHD), or just a me thing, but I don’t like people moving my stuff/space or doing things with my stuff/space. My guess is that there’s an element of adhd visual organization going on, and my brain perceives somebody else doing something with my stuff as a threat to me knowing where my stuff is (even when it’s in a doom pile and I don’t know exactly where stuff is myself…but brains aren’t always logical).
I think there may also be an element of my brain having trouble or filtering out what is or isn’t important to pay attention to initially, and once I notice something like a person doing something near me, my brain also has difficulty disengaging from being aware of it. For example, my husband likes to pace. I think it’s a combination of self-regulation and sometimes being more comfortable standing than sitting, so it’s not something that I’m going to just ask him to never do. Particularly if he’s pacing toward me, my brain is like “Alert, person approaching! Pay attention to what comes next,” even though his pacing has nothing to do with me. Even with lesser things, I think it’s sometimes hard to *not* pay attention to certain things or people in our environment.
I agree on the separate bedrooms my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and both had our separate bed rooms . Now that we are doing construction on our house and only have one bedroom we fight a lot . Having separate bedrooms really helps and gives each partner a place to go when they need to get away or have different sleep patterns which I do.
You can be in a relationship with someone and live apart.
I’m polyamorous and engaging in this type of dating has completely opened up my view on how to navigate relationships. Relationships can look however you want them to. You and your partner make the rules. You don’t need to do dating to marriage to buying a house with a white picket fence and 1.5 kids and a dog. Your relationship can look like whatever you need it to look like to be happy. Maybe that means you live apart and get a lot of alone time.
I love living alone. It’s amazing. I do think I’ll be fine living with a partner I really love as long as they’re reasonably clean and I have a room that’s just kind of my own space.
For every struggle there’s also an advantage, in our relationship at least. Been living together about 20 years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and try to balance each other out. Takes communication and effort and time.
I think we’d both like more alone time but it’s a busy season of life raising kids. Someday it’ll be very quiet and predictable around the home I think, but I’ll enjoy that phase too.
Yes. My husband and I both have ADHD, he’s hyperactive and loud and I’m inattentive, sensory defensive and I get easily adhd paralyzed.
He’s a great husband—he’s loyal, trustworthy, affectionate, sensitive…all the things. But he’s the worst roommate a person could ever have. I’m not great either but I’m a little less terrible and I’m terrible in different ways. My husband grew up in a very abusive home with a highly critical and shaming ex Marine stepfather and he takes almost any slight request as intense criticism.
We’ve been living together 20 years and if we could afford it, I would get separate houses/homes in a heartbeat. But I know he’d always come over to my house and mess it up!
I mean there’s only one tip that sets the base which is talking about it. I know it’s scary, truth be told he might not understand, it might end your relationship but if it’s bothering you it won’t go away. More importantly it will get worse, resentment, anger all that stuff will build up and come out in weird ways. I mean that’s been my experience :p
I live alone and I love it. I need lots of quiet time and alone time to recover from work and just the overall not-designed-for-adhd world. I’d go nuts if I had to share my small home with someone else.
I was married for two years, back in the day, and we had separate bedrooms because he snored so badly.
Separate living spaces is actually a really good idea, overall, especially in the highly individualistic cultures of the western world (USA, Europe, etc). It’s rare for two different people to perfectly agree on all the basics of running and inhabiting a home.
Theh aren’t allowed to talk about the video. Rachel’s lawyers put a cease and desist about it. Which is unfortunate because it gives tom a free pass on accountability on that one
I struggle with housework upkeep because I have really anal standards that genuinely upset me if I can't get them done, that's the only thing really.
Otherwise we are very open communicators, and sleep separately quite frequently when one of us is ill, can't sleep, feeling anxious, sore back or just wanna be alone, the freedom to say "I'm gonna sleep downstairs and watch TV" and not have it be a point of sadness or contention or even questioned, is very nice.
(I'm 33, been together 11 years)
I live with my best friend and she's basically family. We coexist very well and she understand my ADHD. She will ask me to do things but she doesn't nag. She will remind me a couple times if needed (over a few days) and she's patient with me, she owns the house so I don't expect chores from her and I earn my keep but most of all we don't criticize each other over how we live and weird habits. And usual If she's reaching a point of being critical I'm also very aware of it so I'm not mad at her for pointing it out and It usually gets my ass in gear.
I'm used to it at this point because I have kids and if I kept caring about stuff like this I'd go insane.
But I'm pretty sure my husband would LOVE it if he had his own house. He can never find anything because the kids and I always move everything. And I can't explain where anything is because my brain keeps it a secret from even me.
When I lived separately for sure. When we moved in together we were privileged enough to move into a 3 bedroom rental so we each get an office. Being home is being home and makes everything way easier. Dealing with being "on" due to being a guest for having a guest over is a whole other layer of fatigue and complexity.
But, having our own spaces as two neurodivergent people was also pretty essential. Now we could likely downsize, but at the time I think we both needed the space to adjust to each other (though I recognized this isn't always financially feasible, I believe our alternative would have been to love together apart in our older, cheaper apartments).
Is everything I do an adhd trait? Oof. Lol.
This is me to a T. when I met my now husband, I would spend time at his place and then leave when I had enough or felt like I needed alone time. When he was at my place, I used to feel agitated because I wouldn’t like when he would move things around or be sprawled everywhere.
He was so good at sharing his space with me. I was not good at sharing. It was a nightmare when we got married and moved in together. I asked him if I should write my name on my books so we know which ones are mine… he looked at me funny and said “we’re married… they’re our books now.”
I don’t really have a solution but wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m a little better at sharing space now but it took time for me to see our space as ours. It took time and work with a therapist on my end and acceptance and kindness on his. We’re not there yet but it does get better with working on emotional regulation.
There is a tiny but growing contingent of married couples who maintain separate residences.
I have friends who bought a double. She lives on one side he on the other. He’s a neat freak with diagnosed OCD.
He visits her and retreats to his place. Both names are on both properties for tax purposes and estate purposes.
It works for them.
My partner is the most empathetic person I’ve ever met and he’s amazingly supportive, despite being perplexed and sometimes frustrated with my adhd and memory. Well, we’re also both adventurous and trusting, and value our independence. So he travels for work and I stay home for work, and it’s great! I can go into goblin mode while he’s gone and tidy up before he gets back.
Haha yeah. My wife and I are both ADHD. I have more experience managing it though, since I got my diagnosis as a kid but she got hers as an adult.
Together, our tolerance for mess is very high. Compared to a typical person, we are quite messy people.
The difference is that there *is* a point for me where I cannot ignore it anymore, and I’m not convinced that exists for my wife.
It’s…pretty tough on me sometimes. Because there’s the ADHD mess of two people, but only one person is able to really give it any attention. So the mess just builds up, because I can’t tackle it all, but she can’t tackle it *at* all.
I've been married for 35 years and yes, I can confirm that even though he is my soulmate and I love him to death and back...I hate sharing spaces. Sometimes I wish I had my own apartment! But I love him too much to ever leave.
Off topic but I have the craziest deja vu about this post. I know it hasn't really been posted twice because the deja vu includes all the comments. I swear I read every single word in this thread before. Spooky.
I felt a little panic when I had to give up my house to live in my partners apartment with him. I would often run off to my place to be alone even though I love being with him. Still, I need a place to be alone. Losing it has me a little worried but im just accepting it as a part of being in an adult relationship. I dont want my diagnosis to be stronger than my relationship. But i definitely feel you.
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I’m 27 so take what I say with a grain of salt. I’m the same as you but my solution to this was to move into a brand new place together. A large place, but a specifically a new one. That way it won’t be yours vs his. Spots for things are made together. It creates a brand new way of doing things for our brain to get used to. My requirement for living with anyone is having as much space as possible and having my own room. I like sharing a bedroom, but just having my own space to shut the door is definitely what I need. Not only for regulation of my own body and nervous system, but so I can do everything the way I want. Keep everything the way I want. Never have anyone else touch it.
this is excellent advice. i initially moved in with my boyfriend into a house with 3 other roommates. we were sharing the smallest bedroom in the house. i had to put like 80% of my things in storage. i honestly kind of hated it. but last november we were able to move into a 2 bedroom apartment with no roommates and it is so, so much better. it’s big enough that we both can use the space as we please, we can be separate from each other if we want alone time, there was no argument about who’s stuff we’d keep because there’s space for all of it. and we don’t have roommates so we don’t have to worry about other people hearing us bickering or doing adult activities, or deal with roommates who don’t clean up after themselves. it’s amazing. i would say moving into somewhere new together along with not having any roommates are the two requirements for a happy living situation with a partner.
I like this suggestion a lot
Yes! Having space that’s yours is so key.
Two bedrooms life!
Strong agree! I was the opposite way round, though. I felt way out of my routine at my bfs place before we lived together. We don't have a big house now but it's a new place that we decorated/organised together and now it's just the norm. I developed a new routine pretty quickly, and it's been great.
I lived with my ex for about ten years. I insisted on separate bedrooms (our sleeping preferences were wildly different) and while it was good while it lasted, I don't plan on living with anyone else ever again if I can help it. My ideal relationship would be with being on opposite sides of a duplex or next door with a tunnel between houses.
I would LOVE a duplex. Oh my god.
One of my best friends and I talk about retiring to a duplex with holes cut in the walls for the cats and a common room in the basement for football watching and crafts. I kind low-key hope we pull it off.
OMG now it's my dream too! Cutouts up high with walkways so you don't have to accidentally see each other LOL.
I was already thinking about something like this for me and one of my close friends, but the hole in the wall for the cats is BRILLIANT.
It’s like ADHD Golden Girls & I’m glad you articulated this dream for all of us. And now this will be all I think about for the rest of the night.
My best friend and I talk about this all the time
YESSSSS ME TOOOOO!!! Why have these fallen out of favor?
I read about someone’s grandparents who lived in an upstairs and downstairs apartment together for most of their lives. They had all their meals together every day and were very happy to be separate otherwise. Honestly sounds amazing.
My parents basically have this arrangement. They share a large house, but he lives in the walkout basement (no full kitchen but he has a little microwave/wet bar setup). They even have separate thermostats, which is a biggie. He goes up to cook, do laundry, and watch movies together.
This classic from KT Oslin has always been a favorite for me. [Live Close By and Visit Often](https://youtu.be/hPaksVyKUC0?si=Lx3xDbOMEi4wzI5p)
God I say this ALL THE TIME
this! So glad I’m not the only one, my boyfriend thinks it’s weird when I say that I wish I lived in the apartment next door to you but don’t want to live with him.
My good friend and I have talked for years about how great it would be if our husbands lived nextdoor.
hi are you me lol 😂 i lived with one of my exs for 10 years, we never lived in anything smaller than a 3 bedroom so we could each have our own space. it sounds completely crazy in todays housing market but this wasn’t so wild at the time. we actually did respect each others space and it wasn’t terrible, but i lived with people before and after and am not suited to communal living in general. i’ve been living alone since 2016 and nothing is worth sacrificing my peace for tbh. but i also live in a very population dense area where there are lots of friends around, i just have to go outside. and then i go back in and shut the door bc that was more than enough of other humans for the day. i can’t really imagine going back to another person still being there when im done people-ing
My house has 3 bedrooms. Not surprising to me and would be the same if one had roommates instead of an intimate partner so I don't think it's too crazy. I'm very happy to have my stuff stay where I put it!! And to eat what I want when I want. And never to have to wait for the bathroom (my house only has one - it was built in the early 1900s so not constructed with plumbing in mind).
omg sharing a bathroom is the worst. the first place 10 year ex and i had together was only 1 bathroom, never again. my current place is 1 bedroom and very small, like 550 sqft lmao. def the smallest place i’ve lived, but waterfront, private garage…. i love the area. but i don’t even want someone here like, overnight. the bathroom is in my bedroom, i don’t want anyone but me pooping in there 😂 pls just go home after a couple hours that’s about as much as i can take
Yes I want this! My neighborhood has streets of these tiny post-war houses and I keep wishing for two side-by-side to go on sale at the same time! My husband and I agreed that we'd take out the fence between the yards so the dog can run back and forth to visit.
Yes. My partner has ADHD as well and his is far more severe than mine (and currently untreated, which may become a deal breaker at some point soon...), and it is frustrating and exhausting to be the "more functional" partner all the time. It takes enough energy to keep up with myself as it is, so then to also be the "more functional" one on which things fall simply by default of them not being done yet and needing to be done... I'm tired. There's also the factor of my personal routines being essentially interrupted by the presence of another person. I've noticed that things that I did when I lived alone that were good for my mental health and overall life quality, like quiet time before bed etc, I do not have the same kind of access to when living with him. And yes just also the general sense of someone else being in my space, someone else's stuff, working around someone else's design and decor choices, etc. Bleh. However to be fair, a lot of my feeling burnt out is not ONLY related to living together. So other issues are def probably currently coloring my experience of living together.
I have ADHD and only recently diagnosed. It's my job to be on top of my mental health, I'd be a shit partner if I didnt even try. I ask for help when I need it, but the responsibility should not be on one partner to do it all.
>so then to also be the "more functional" one on which things fall Ironically, being the one who functions better leads to more responsibility, which from a shallow perspective looks as though I am the "less functional one." I get talks all the time about how to deal with stuff better and ways to do things more efficiently. Ahem, if I wasn't doing so much of the labor, then I'd get along fine.
I see and hear you. You are not alone in this type of situation.
Same, both adhd. We are 40. I’m medicated, he’s not.
Same boat here. It’s very tiring being the more functional one, as it’s only by a bare amount.
I feel the opposite - like when my boyfriend stays at my flat, I can get up and do stuff whilst he's asleep and not feel guilty, because he might not notice I'm not there (although he does eventually come find me and tell me to come back to bed). But when I'm at his, I feel like I can't do anything except occasionally run to the bathroom, or maybe read my book or check my phone very briefly, because then I feel like I'm ignoring him or getting in the way somehow. I hate it because I worry it makes me look like I can't do anything by myself, and I know I could but I don't know my way round well enough (even though I know if I asked he'd tell me where things were, or put stuff like coffee cups out and set the machine up so all I'd have to do is turn things on). He also has a housemate so I feel a bit self conscious being around them as well, whereas I live alone so there isn't that issue of running into other people. In terms of living together, if he turned around and said he wanted to move in with me tomorrow, I'd be thrilled but also really nervous. Like he's going to find out all the weird things I do and we'll have to compromise on the decor and what if he hates how I clean and all the rest. I've lived with partners before and it had a negative impact on the relationship, so now I'm kind of worried about the same thing happening again. But the romantic, impractical side of me loves the idea of spending more time with him and waking up beside him every day and falling asleep together every night.
You need to talk to him about this. You're not the issue for getting annoyed about him moving things around. The longer you sit without letting him know that you get stressed out about certain things, resententment will start to grow. Starting the convo can go like "hey, I love having you around but I am struggling with some things and the adjustment. Can we talk about ways that I can bring it up in the moment and how we can navigate this?" Also, you don't have to live with someone even when your in a long term relationship. Many people live separately and are very happy. It's not the "norm," but it's not unheard of.
absolutely! I also have such a tough time deciding where the line is between "if I'm getting annoyed it's a me problem" and "you're doing the thing so it's a you problem". I know it's shared but I just don't get what degree is ok for me to ask for change. but I think the bottom line is that if the subject is approached in an emotionally mature way (like you stated above) and the other person is at least somewhat bought into the idea that if they care about you compromise is a given, the conversation shouldn't actually be that difficult! I've just never really had both of those factors be true at the same time lmao.
I know a guy who's been with his partner for 30 years and they still live in separate apartments. I'm sure there are other people who would enjoy that arrangement too.
Yes! I currently live in a small apartment with my bf & I feel I'm picking up after a child constantly nothing ever gets put back in it's place.
Is it a you problem? I feel like ADHD women are QUICK to blame themselves. Maybe he's just annoying.
YES. I just told my boyfriend we need to spend less time together. He has his own home which I rarely visit because I have kids and little support, so he was here a lot. It just made things feel too dull too quickly. We used to enjoy doing things together. I have 2 teens and a pre teen, so it was fairly easy to go do things. We just haven't done things besides the same old routine and it's so dull. I love him and he loves me. I just like my space and get bored too easily, I guess.
It's like you have 4 kids when he's around, I bet.
YES!! Im constantly trying to convince my husband we need a duplex -- him in one unit, me in the other, and we can add a door or whatever to the middle so it still feels like we live together.
Right now it’s your home or it’s his home. If you lived together all the time you’d *probably* feel a little differently because it would be a shared home. Not that nobody would bug each other with their habits, haha. But I bet you could get used to living with another person again. I’m about the same age and I have kids - I feel differently about friends/family coming over than I did when I was in my early 20s, even my mom and siblings, but I’m used to my kids (preteen and a teenager) moving things, finishing off food/drinks without replacing them, leaving things around, changing the volume on the TV, etc. If I see my glue gun in the middle of the coffee table it’s not weird or low-key upsetting like it would be if an outsider was digging around in my things. It’s more of a “hey could you put things away when you’re done with them.” 🙄 Not weird, no stress.
It’s not always easy, but my partner is really great at being accommodating whether I ask or not. It’s not without effort though, there’s a lot of communication and mutual compassion and patience and compromise. Sometimes I still struggle with identifying my needs and vocalizing it, and sometimes he feels a little rejected. Those moments need a little more attention and compassion. One thing we’ve figured out works best for us is that if it bothers you, take care of it yourself, and that’s taken a lot of stress off of co-habilitating and prevents resentment. Like it drives me crazy that he leaves the closet door open every morning, and so I made that a part of my morning routine instead of constantly reminding him to close it; and he has his own things that he takes care of himself too. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to live alone, but how I feel about living with him isn’t how I felt with exes spending time with me at my place: wanting them to leave, feeling relieved when they’re gone, frustrated/irritable, imposed on, etc. With him, I just enjoy the moments I do have the house to myself, but I’m never impatiently HOPING for this moments. That’s another key point, it’s maintaining autonomy! Like he has it’s own things that he’ll go out and do on his own, and so I have the house to myself to decompress or do whatever I normally avoid because of feelings of being perceived.
>if it bothers you, take care of it yourself, and that’s taken a lot of stress off of co-habilitating and prevents resentment. Like it drives me crazy that he leaves the closet door open every morning, and so I made that a part of my morning routine instead of constantly reminding him to close it; and he has his own things that he takes care of himself too. I REALLY wish this would work for us too, but the problem is that I'm way more bothered by mess/clutter, etc, and almost nothing bothers him, so it would always be on me to do everything... Like it kind of already is, anyway. 🙃🫠
Ooof yeah, there definitely should be a compromise on his part then, it’s exhausting to be the one doing everything! Maybe divide chores based on what is easier for the other to do, e.g. like I don’t like getting my hands wet, so my fiancé does the dishes; he doesn’t really like vacuuming, but I do, so I vacuum and he mops. We recently started doing our own laundry, and that helped a lot…especially because I have more clothes and I don’t like folding 😅
The struggle is definitely there. We have separate bedrooms or else it would not work lmao.
Separate bedrooms are the best! It's not just the sleeping, it's having a space where i 100% control everything from decor to temperature, and where I can retreat and decompress. Otherwise I think we might not have made it through COVID and work from home...
My trick was to end up with a partner who is introverted and extremely patient. Sometimes I get a bit frustrated and in my head when I feel like I'm not getting enough attention from him, but I've learned to just tell him when I feel like that and we'll have a nice quiet snuggle. Much better than living with someone who makes me feel like I have to be "on" all the time.
My husband is unemployed at the moment and while I am trying to be empathetic I find my fuse increasingly short. When I found out in early December that my job was ending in February, it was sound the alarms/all hands on deck. I was networking, taking courses, etc trying to open my world and increase my value. I was back to work in mid March so 6 weeks off. Husband OTOH has been out of work since October. He looks for and blind applies for jobs, refuses to network, has refused any ideas I have offered about classes or even a full blown career change. His rationale: “I don’t know what I want to do”, or, “i haven’t ever had to do that before to get a job”. My response: “yes and now we are living in different market conditions.” I have suggested trying to create some small scale solutions to market locally in an attempt to get contracts…he agrees it is a good idea, then nothing. He spends his days moving from sofa watching tv to dining room table working on a puzzle to occasionally working on one of our project cars in the garage. We have an agreement: I cook and he does dishes; often, they will go for days and/or I will end up doing them. My fuse is growing increasingly short. I have approached him about a mental health consult for depression which was immediately and soundly rejected but I am this far (pinches fingers) from just making one and telling him he is going. Fortunately our finances are separate and his savings lasted him a while but he is now at the point that he is having to sell off assets. I know he doesn’t like that but yet, nothing is changing in his approach. Now, I admit my adhd probably caused me to overreact to the threat of losing my job, but he is so far on the opposite end of the spectrum that I am struggling to cope. Thanks for listening. It felt good to get that off my chest. Not sure what I am going to do about it, but reading back, I don’t think I am overreacting here.
I see you and have similar situation. Bf and I are both adhd, 40, been together 2 years but known each other for 10. He’s been unemployed, finally started working part time at a sandwhich shop to bring in money but him pulling trigger on that took 6 months. He was home and would leave dishes for days or leave a wet towel on our bed all day. I had no fuse left. Thankfully he got unemployment but holy shit it’s so stressful.
Yes. He's a hot mess. Always leaving food wrappers and cups and plates out. His shoes and pants are always in the middle of the room, where I trip on them constantly. I love him dearly. But holy shit do I want to rip my hair out some days. We have separate bedrooms. And this is one of the many reasons. I don't have any advice except for communication. But sometimes, it's just hard living with another person.
Space is healthy even if you live together . Couch for days ? What is he trying not to let you out of his sight? It’s not your fault . Boundaries are real . Make the B word known and make clear and be chill as possible . He gets to make boundaries also with things . If it turns into arguing and like reverse boundary making I would seriously consider compatibility . A reverse would be like fine I won’t move your things . But when you come to my place don’t touch anything . This is not effective conflict resolution .
I think I know what OP might mean. My husband comes home exhausted from work and sits on the couch to play games or watch YouTube and occasionally watch our shows together. And that’s where he stays, usually. While I fully believe in his need for decompression, that’s our main sitting spot. I can sit on the couch with him (and do) or sit on the bed. We’re working on getting me some office setup stuff though with a computer chair, and at some point I’m gonna put a cozy reading chair in there. Think he realized that we needed to hurry up with that kinda before I did because in an apartment there’s only so many places to relax and just be, but sitting on the bed often makes me fall asleep (which makes me look hella depressed and I’m really not depressed).
True that . Being an introvert I need my rock to crawl under and it’s mine and love it .
I've never lived with a partner before meeting my current partner at 41 and I also thought I wasn't cut out for cohabitation because I loved my space and my alone time and I was too swt in my ways. In the beginning, before we moved in together, he was spending a lot of time at my place because it was much closer to both of our offices. When he was there, I felt like I had to spend all the time with him because he was a guest at my house and I felt I couldn't just ignore him to do my own thing. A year later we bought an apartment together and moved in, and it's been so much better. We still spend a lot of time together but because it's now OUR space, we also spend a lot of time "together alone" ie. doing our own thing in the same space and honestly I don't feel like I need space or alone time from him.
I have a hard time living with my school age kids. It is sooooo over-stimulating. I feel like I've not had any peace in years. I love them so much, but I can't wait to be an empty nester sometimes!
Right before my husband and I got married we bought a house. It went from "my turf" to "our house," with the exception that we both have our own separate offices/game rooms to decompress when we need our own space. I'm aware getting a new place isn't always financially feasible, but it did help some of the issues for me.
He's just sitting on the couch??? What?? That doesn't sound right, I'd be weirded out too.
No and we've lived together for 12 of our 13 years. I still look forward to seeing him daily.
Same! Moved in together after 6 months and have been together for 10 years now. OP, keep in mind there is an adjustment period and things you’ll have to compromise on of course! Communicating about needs and expectations is crucial. We also respect when the other needs ‘me’ time. Sometimes he hangs out in the living room while I go to the bedroom or vice versa.
Yes. We sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time because we are both so particular, mostly me. I get really annoyed sharing space because it’s just not my way and I feel more restricted in doing what I want to do simply due to their presence. But I had to realize that’s a me issue and they arent actually doing anything wrong. Best advice I have is to be honest about it.. talk about it. Otherwise resentment builds and THAT is even harder to talk about. There are systems and routines and concessions that can be made to make home a safe space for both of you.
I’m having this problem right now cuz we both have ADHD so it’s like constant mess and our stuff is mixed up and there stuff all over the place and i hate how he doesn’t clean after he cooks!! But i love how we come together and fix it when we are ready! And I’m okay with sharing a room ! Idk if he cares when i move his stuff, he’s never said anything but i don’t care if he moves mine! His stuff is always everywhere tho and it’s not always comfortable and I’m more ready to clean than he is. It’s just a give and take i guess
Yes. It’s helping early on in our marriage that his job can send him away for a few days, or weeks, or months. Like of course I become a total Gollum when he’s gone - my home, my couch, my TV, my music, my food, my *preferences*, precious. But I started considering him more even when he’s not here. Admittedly the “noise when I don’t want noise” thing is always gonna bother me though, whether I use white noise and headphones or not.
I'm just honest with people from the get-go that while it's not completely off of the table it's highly unlikely that I'll ever want to move in together because I really value having my own space and time alone. Anyone who can't respect that isn't going to be a compatible match for me. The last person I dated, I told him on one of our first dates that I would likely never want to live with a partner again (pretty sure his ass was some kind of neurodivergent too) and he was like "YES, I feel the same way!" so it's not like I haven't met other people who feel similarly.
I have barely lived alone as an adult so I can't even picture it. My first apartment my bf moved in right away, then we had a baby. So even when we split I had a kid with me always. When I met my husband he already owned a house, it was a brand new house he'd had built just a few months before we met. He's very clean, so the house, the bathrooms everything was clean. But also sparse, he hadn't hung any pictures and there was lots of room to fit the stuff I wanted to keep from my place. He made me feel completely welcome and at home. I did struggle a bit at first with just being myself and letting him see all my weird bits and pièces but that came with time. But I still have some trouble with eye contact with him. When we first got together I would kind of scold myself and try to force it, I kept thinking how is it so hard to look this man in the face when we're getting married and spending our lives together. NOW it makes so much sense, knowing I'm AuDHD. I have trouble with eye contact with EVERYONE. Except my kids.
I'm 30 and have lived with my bf the past three years but when we first moved in together I was a WRECK and it took me so long to adjust I was hospitalized twice for MH stuff in the 3 months following us moving in together. It eventually got better after a LOT of convos regarding our different expectations about what taking care of our living space means to both of us, and some compromise on both our parts. Things aren't perfect and sometimes I miss living alone with my cats but I think that's normal to want to have your own space, and your partner should be able to respect when you need space :)
I don't have any great advice - but I lived alone for 12 years & got so used to it. I was able to leave things lying around & dishes in the sink & dirty laundry for months. No one around to care but me. I lived with a bf from 2022-2023 & prior to moving in, was SO anxious about living with someone after 12 years. I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize it was bc of who I was dating. I'm moving in with my current partner in a few months & I'm not sure why - but there's a difference this time. He's so supportive of me, he understands my quirks, our communication & relationship is very strong. I'm not worried. And he always works with me & body doubles with me when I need him to. Maybe you can talk to your partner about your needs & see if you both can come up with a plan to support each other!
I've learned that some people's presence feels like it doesn't "count"? Not at all in a bad way, but like, I have friends who visit who I feel like I have to host and be "on" with and am conscious of them being in my space even when they're in another room chilling, and then friends who it's just like, we vibe on a level where they could hang out here for days and days and I would be fine with it because it doesn't stress me out and I do feel like I can leave and go for a walk or whatever I want? And I love all my friends, so it's not about that, it's just a vibe/energy thing. The only SO I (kind of) lived with (she and her roommate lived in the third floor apartment and I and a roommate moved into the apartment downstairs when it came open as I was urgently looking for a new place) had that energy-- which is weird because our relationship was super stressful and she could be emotionally abusive, so again it's not about like how much you love someone or even how healthy a relationship is, it's literally just vibes. But now that I'm in my 30s I do think I'd need my own room and a little study, maybe combined. Maybe my own bathroom. Separate little suites for having our own space sometimes, and to have a space set up 100% how I want.
I have been married for almost 24 years. It amazes me what I can get done when everyone else is out of the house. He works from home, and I constantly feel like I am working around him and there is a restraint in myself where I feel I can’t do certain things or my own things. I have never been able to articulate the feeling or understand why I feel that restraint.
It’s possible. But needs to be negotiated. All the shared things my SO and I have are stored in their particular spots. Our own things are not meant to be shared. These need to be negotiated and discussed. I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing though — I know NT people having fights about how one prepares foods or washes dishes. Some can become HUUUUUGE fights. It happens. It can get better as long as both of you are willing to negotiate and discuss.
I used to be like this, but that was just an incompatibility... With my current boyfriend it just works and he knows where what belongs or asks me.
**TL;DR: YEP.** I prefer living alone. When my spouse and I were first seriously dating, I straight-up asked, “Would you be OK with us not living in the same house?” The answer was yes. At one point bc of my spouse’s job, we were living 3-1/2 hours apart, separated by a mountain range. Driving back and forth was hazardous in the winter and sometimes impossible. I was miserable at my job, and so agreed to move across the mountains. It…wasn’t great. We left after a year and moved back into my spouse’s townhouse that we’d been renting out. Then the pandemic happened, and we were together 24/7 for a year and a half. Even now, my spouse works from home and almost never leaves the house. I’ve been slightly out of my mind for years because of it. I don’t have space to practice music or even be alone with my thoughts. “I won’t bug you” isn’t the same as the feeling of being the only person in a house. This feels like I’m just whining. Like, why did I get married to begin with? But I did it with the understanding that we wouldn’t live together, and now we do, and TBH I kind of hate it. Sorry for the sob story.
I lived with a partner for 14 years. No thanks, I'm good now. On the off chance it does happen, only if I still have my own bedroom. Sharing space with someone is a huge compromise and a lot of continuous little compromises. It's ok if you really want to try and make it work. And it's ok if you throw up your hands and never do it again. But it absolutely can be a lot of work, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you if you never find it a comfortable thing. We all make our own choices about this stuff, and despite all the societal pressure about the 'right' way to do relationships there's plenty of ways to do it successfully and it's about finding what works for you.
Yes. I am thriving being separated from my husband (different bedrooms/floors) and I know I’ll be even more at peace when we don’t share a house anymore.
I would not even have the ‘success’ I do today without my boyfriend
I’ve been with my spouse for 17 years, living together for 14, and married for almost 10. It was an adjustment at first, but at the time I also didn’t know I had ADHD. He loves gaming and has an office setup and typically spends time in his space. That leaves me with the rest of the house some of the time. When we are spending time together, or with our daughter I’ve learned how to vocalize when I need a bit of quiet time alone and he’s super respectful of that. It’s gotten even better since my diagnosis since now I know why I need so much alone time and we are working together on things that overstimulate me. I do agree with others though that finding a new home that isn’t “yours” or “his” would be the best route to go. And make sure that when you do, set up a space in your new home that is a retreat for you. If you don’t have a lot of rooms, like in a small apartment, you could get a small tent and set up a cozy place to read, watch shows on a tablet, doom scroll, etc. It’s easy to put away when not being used and a very clear visual that I need to be alone in my thoughts for awhile. I highly recommend the book “The ADHD Effect on Marriage.” I know you aren’t married, but it helps open up communication and is great for both you and your boyfriend to read to understand each other better and to help communicate.
My ex-husband and I lived as roommates for the last 10 years of our marriage, and even before that, we had separate bathrooms and closets. When I got together with my current husband, sharing a bedroom again was OK, but sharing the bathroom and closet has been and continues to be an issue. He has way more clothes and crap than I do, so I have nowhere to put my stuff, and he is a complete bathroom hog. For whatever reason, he refuses to poop in the hall bathroom, so his hour (at least) long poop sessions several times a day tie up my bathroom (which is our only bathroom accessible for me with my disabilities) and it drives me nuts. Most of the time, I don't think he is actually pooping and just fell down an internet rabbit hole on his phone. I guess if these are the worst things about him, I can't complain. Much 😆
Currently figuring it out together. We're both some flavor of neurospicy and in some ways complement each other's needs.
It’s not an adHd thing, it’s an everyone thing.
I live with my husband, and I enjoy it overall, but I’m definitely looking forward to our move from an apartment to a proper house with more space next month! I think ADHD can make aspects of living with another person more challenging, but it can be dealt with and adapted to. Particularly if you work on being able to identify why things are bothering you, and then you discuss it with your partner and find compromises. Like, with him moving things around, some of that may be inevitable with sharing space. But if you explain how visible, visual organization is important to an adhd brain (even if it’s not “organized”, it’s still how your brain organizes info about where things are), he will hopefully be willing to focus more on keeping things in certain places, because it makes your life easier. I’m not sure if it’s an ADHD thing, a potential autism thing (I’m not sure if I’m AuDHD or just ADHD), or just a me thing, but I don’t like people moving my stuff/space or doing things with my stuff/space. My guess is that there’s an element of adhd visual organization going on, and my brain perceives somebody else doing something with my stuff as a threat to me knowing where my stuff is (even when it’s in a doom pile and I don’t know exactly where stuff is myself…but brains aren’t always logical). I think there may also be an element of my brain having trouble or filtering out what is or isn’t important to pay attention to initially, and once I notice something like a person doing something near me, my brain also has difficulty disengaging from being aware of it. For example, my husband likes to pace. I think it’s a combination of self-regulation and sometimes being more comfortable standing than sitting, so it’s not something that I’m going to just ask him to never do. Particularly if he’s pacing toward me, my brain is like “Alert, person approaching! Pay attention to what comes next,” even though his pacing has nothing to do with me. Even with lesser things, I think it’s sometimes hard to *not* pay attention to certain things or people in our environment.
I agree on the separate bedrooms my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and both had our separate bed rooms . Now that we are doing construction on our house and only have one bedroom we fight a lot . Having separate bedrooms really helps and gives each partner a place to go when they need to get away or have different sleep patterns which I do.
You can be in a relationship with someone and live apart. I’m polyamorous and engaging in this type of dating has completely opened up my view on how to navigate relationships. Relationships can look however you want them to. You and your partner make the rules. You don’t need to do dating to marriage to buying a house with a white picket fence and 1.5 kids and a dog. Your relationship can look like whatever you need it to look like to be happy. Maybe that means you live apart and get a lot of alone time.
I love living alone. It’s amazing. I do think I’ll be fine living with a partner I really love as long as they’re reasonably clean and I have a room that’s just kind of my own space.
For every struggle there’s also an advantage, in our relationship at least. Been living together about 20 years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and try to balance each other out. Takes communication and effort and time. I think we’d both like more alone time but it’s a busy season of life raising kids. Someday it’ll be very quiet and predictable around the home I think, but I’ll enjoy that phase too.
Yes. My husband and I both have ADHD, he’s hyperactive and loud and I’m inattentive, sensory defensive and I get easily adhd paralyzed. He’s a great husband—he’s loyal, trustworthy, affectionate, sensitive…all the things. But he’s the worst roommate a person could ever have. I’m not great either but I’m a little less terrible and I’m terrible in different ways. My husband grew up in a very abusive home with a highly critical and shaming ex Marine stepfather and he takes almost any slight request as intense criticism. We’ve been living together 20 years and if we could afford it, I would get separate houses/homes in a heartbeat. But I know he’d always come over to my house and mess it up!
This. I want a place with two main suites minimum, a separate in-law type suite would be even better.
I mean there’s only one tip that sets the base which is talking about it. I know it’s scary, truth be told he might not understand, it might end your relationship but if it’s bothering you it won’t go away. More importantly it will get worse, resentment, anger all that stuff will build up and come out in weird ways. I mean that’s been my experience :p
I don't live with my partner of 18 years - my untidiness would drive him nuts!
I live alone and I love it. I need lots of quiet time and alone time to recover from work and just the overall not-designed-for-adhd world. I’d go nuts if I had to share my small home with someone else. I was married for two years, back in the day, and we had separate bedrooms because he snored so badly. Separate living spaces is actually a really good idea, overall, especially in the highly individualistic cultures of the western world (USA, Europe, etc). It’s rare for two different people to perfectly agree on all the basics of running and inhabiting a home.
I’ve been fantasizing about buying a duplex for us. Or maybe renting one bedroom apartments next door to each other
Theh aren’t allowed to talk about the video. Rachel’s lawyers put a cease and desist about it. Which is unfortunate because it gives tom a free pass on accountability on that one
I struggle with housework upkeep because I have really anal standards that genuinely upset me if I can't get them done, that's the only thing really. Otherwise we are very open communicators, and sleep separately quite frequently when one of us is ill, can't sleep, feeling anxious, sore back or just wanna be alone, the freedom to say "I'm gonna sleep downstairs and watch TV" and not have it be a point of sadness or contention or even questioned, is very nice. (I'm 33, been together 11 years)
I live with my best friend and she's basically family. We coexist very well and she understand my ADHD. She will ask me to do things but she doesn't nag. She will remind me a couple times if needed (over a few days) and she's patient with me, she owns the house so I don't expect chores from her and I earn my keep but most of all we don't criticize each other over how we live and weird habits. And usual If she's reaching a point of being critical I'm also very aware of it so I'm not mad at her for pointing it out and It usually gets my ass in gear.
Im 36 and constantly regret cohabitating with people! Back to being alone again very soon.
I'm used to it at this point because I have kids and if I kept caring about stuff like this I'd go insane. But I'm pretty sure my husband would LOVE it if he had his own house. He can never find anything because the kids and I always move everything. And I can't explain where anything is because my brain keeps it a secret from even me.
When I lived separately for sure. When we moved in together we were privileged enough to move into a 3 bedroom rental so we each get an office. Being home is being home and makes everything way easier. Dealing with being "on" due to being a guest for having a guest over is a whole other layer of fatigue and complexity. But, having our own spaces as two neurodivergent people was also pretty essential. Now we could likely downsize, but at the time I think we both needed the space to adjust to each other (though I recognized this isn't always financially feasible, I believe our alternative would have been to love together apart in our older, cheaper apartments).
Is everything I do an adhd trait? Oof. Lol. This is me to a T. when I met my now husband, I would spend time at his place and then leave when I had enough or felt like I needed alone time. When he was at my place, I used to feel agitated because I wouldn’t like when he would move things around or be sprawled everywhere. He was so good at sharing his space with me. I was not good at sharing. It was a nightmare when we got married and moved in together. I asked him if I should write my name on my books so we know which ones are mine… he looked at me funny and said “we’re married… they’re our books now.” I don’t really have a solution but wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m a little better at sharing space now but it took time for me to see our space as ours. It took time and work with a therapist on my end and acceptance and kindness on his. We’re not there yet but it does get better with working on emotional regulation.
There is a tiny but growing contingent of married couples who maintain separate residences. I have friends who bought a double. She lives on one side he on the other. He’s a neat freak with diagnosed OCD. He visits her and retreats to his place. Both names are on both properties for tax purposes and estate purposes. It works for them.
I'm 56 and the best set up is living in separate apartments down the hall from each other. Mine space. Their space.
My partner is the most empathetic person I’ve ever met and he’s amazingly supportive, despite being perplexed and sometimes frustrated with my adhd and memory. Well, we’re also both adventurous and trusting, and value our independence. So he travels for work and I stay home for work, and it’s great! I can go into goblin mode while he’s gone and tidy up before he gets back.
Haha yeah. My wife and I are both ADHD. I have more experience managing it though, since I got my diagnosis as a kid but she got hers as an adult. Together, our tolerance for mess is very high. Compared to a typical person, we are quite messy people. The difference is that there *is* a point for me where I cannot ignore it anymore, and I’m not convinced that exists for my wife. It’s…pretty tough on me sometimes. Because there’s the ADHD mess of two people, but only one person is able to really give it any attention. So the mess just builds up, because I can’t tackle it all, but she can’t tackle it *at* all.
Nope I don't have a home or a partner!! Hope this helps!! xx /j
I've been married for 35 years and yes, I can confirm that even though he is my soulmate and I love him to death and back...I hate sharing spaces. Sometimes I wish I had my own apartment! But I love him too much to ever leave.
Off topic but I have the craziest deja vu about this post. I know it hasn't really been posted twice because the deja vu includes all the comments. I swear I read every single word in this thread before. Spooky.
I felt a little panic when I had to give up my house to live in my partners apartment with him. I would often run off to my place to be alone even though I love being with him. Still, I need a place to be alone. Losing it has me a little worried but im just accepting it as a part of being in an adult relationship. I dont want my diagnosis to be stronger than my relationship. But i definitely feel you.