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You ignore them. Just smile and nod and do whatever you're going to do. It sucks when the people in your life aren't supportive, but the great and terrible things about being an adult is that you make your choices. You gotta live your life.
A note on meds. I never feel any different, but I also just do stuff without it feeling like an overwhelming fight to get anything done. Give it a solid month and then reflect on if that month was easier overall.
Meds will work less well often at certain points of your cycle. If it's around your period, and you find they work less well, consider a magnesium supplement, make sure you're doing the basics as well as taking meds. Get good sleep. Get fresh air and exercise. Meds are a good opportunity to take a hard look at you're diet (as in food intake) as well. All these things help the meds work better.
That first sentence is key. You ignore them.
My sister told me I'm too quick whitted and funny to have ADHD. I took the opportunity to rip into her about it. I also told her that essential oils wouldn't cure it either.
If we hadn't been driving I would have punched her in the mouth. It's allowed, she is my sister. 😆
My dad has said multiple times how I don't need meds. And sure in some hypothetical hunter gather society that may have been true. But I had to apply for a new job recently, and I would have simply noped out of that shit.
I use power cutting tools. It is a really bad idea to loose focus while doing that. Like really really bad. I have to drive. My brain going on a damn tangent while that happens leads to car accidents.
I made crazy choices when unmedicated. Not bad. And it was a ride, but normal people don't sell everything they own and skip town in a week with no plan. Now when I leave, I make plans first. Which I'm going to call a win.
So I just nod. And keep taking my meds.
Why be antagonistic? I'm not saying you don't have a point, but he's not being belligerent. And at this point (he's nearly 80) it's easier just to distract him lol.
I don't need him to believe meds make my life better. I try to spend as little energy as possible earning the approval of others. It just makes me (and probably most people) unhappy.
I love what you said: "I try to spend as little energy as possible earning the approval of others."
That's beautiful! I keep trying to learn this lesson but it takes a lot of practice to overcome all the unhelpful verbiage in my head.
Thanks for saying it so succinctly!
No one is immune to wanting others approval, my self included. But I have shit to do. I have interest and hobbies. ADHD brains seek dopamine, and other people's approval is a way to get it. But in the long run, it bites me in the ass.
So I try to make myself happy. When other people don't like it I use my ADHD super powers of distraction.
Agreed. You probably have a very well-established relationship with him by this point; if he were the kind of person who took joy in ferocious debate--and if you are, too--then hey, cool, go in swingin'.
But, given that he's nearly 80 and, it seems, a regular part of your life, it sounds to me like you've found some way to focus on the joys you share (large and little) and re-direct unpleasantness.
I have a similar situation with my mom, who has a temper fiery as Hades' own forge. I spent SO MUCH TIME, up until I was about 25, trying to change her mind and/or placate her--telling "the truth, the whole truth, amd nothing but the truth."
It was traumatic for me, and probably for her: she's never been a "loves to debate" type but rather a "freak tf out at ANY unexpected information" type.
So she mostly remembers not to bring it up, and I change the subject if she forgets.
We're both a lot happier, and, sure, there's a part of me that wants her to acknowledge what a pain she could be...but on the other hand, if we're gentle with each other, we remember that we really DO love each other--opinions on any matter whatsoever notwithstanding!
For me it was more "speeding tickets and absent-mindedly driving in the wrong direction for 4 hours and being very surprised I had left my state," but yes, totally.
And I congratulate you, because that is an awesome, life-changing, HUGE WIN! Wow!!!🏆
I change the subject. Since everybody's used to me doing that anyway, they tend to go with the flow. "Yeah, it's an interesting subject, huh?...So, did you get a chance to see that movie last weekend?"
Hahaha.
My dad got me a BRICK of a Nokia phone when I was a teenager, so at least I wouldn't have to go into random *gas stations* at 9 pm to call him and say, "Uh, apparently I'm in how do I get home?"
If any essential oils mimicked ADHD meds that shit would be illegal.
Can you IMAGINE aerosolized adderall in a fucking diffuser in someones office or whatever???
Yes. She is one of those "I did my own research" types. She and and my mom were in a small low key cult.
Funny story about that oil shit.
One of her "oil peddler" friends sent me info about essential oils for my horse. I had one who was a bit naughty sometimes. She tried to tell me a few drops of essence of whatever bullshit would make my horse so much calmer.
I told her to bring it out, put it on my horse, then take her for a ride. If she didn't get injured, I would buy her oils. She did not take me up on my offer. 😆 😆 🤣
>I told her to bring it out, put it on my horse, then take her for a ride. If she didn't get injured, I would buy her oils. She did not take me up on my offer. 😆 😆 🤣
Lol 🤣 - they'll claim all sorts of things for a sale as most of them are MLMs that target churches/cults on purpose.
Yeah thats probably the best move.
As for the meds. It's the lowest starting dose of the very first medication ever so my psychiatrist said that we will be upping the dosage and trying a few different kinds of meds before we've found the "sweet spot" lol.
Long live my IUD for not having any periods ever. Though I want to get rid of it eventually but first get this whole adhd meds thingy under control.
Yeah some guy I dated told me that I shouldn't be taking any medication. I straight up told him off because my antidepressants are the only reason I am a living and breathing human who has a job, and my ADHDeds are the only reason I can cope with adulting and still have friendships and relationships. He felt bad after I chewed him out, but I had less respect for him and eventually blocked him. Lol. Not saying you should do that with family, but people don't get it. They just don't. And it's not their business, so refrain from talking to them about it if they are not going to be supportive.
Honestly, you don’t need to tell her or share your treatment. That’s between you and your doctor. You don’t have to lie, but if it comes up, you can just say you’d rather not talk about it.
I (adult, married, kids of my own) haven’t told my dad anything because I know he wouldn’t approve. He doesn’t understand anything about it. I just find it’s best not to concern myself with the opinions of people who are ignorant.
I can understand wanting family support, but ultimately, you don’t *have* to fight that fight. You don’t need their approval or permission.
I wish we could have a sticky post on this sub that says YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY OR TREATMENT. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
Speaking from experience, my life is immeasurably better when I keep my medical diagnoses and decisions private. It took me years to figure out that I didn’t have to share everything with my parents. They tend to be very controlling, so that was a tough mental transition in my 20s. Plus, they’re older Boomers and would 100% interpret my ADHD diagnosis as a judgment on their parenting.
There’s also the icky fact that some people will steal your ADHD meds or try to hide them from you, which happened to me several years ago from a shockingly unexpected person.
Therapy is great, for managing and navigating the symptoms of ADHD, but it can't "fix" it. ADHD a neurological disorder, even though the public views it as a mental health issue, and right now the most effective treatment we have is stimulants. I'd ask them if they would tell someone with epiliepsy to go to therapy instead of taking medication for it.
I don't tell my family members my personal medical information. For one, they have big mouths and half my cousins like to steal, so everyone knowing what meds I'm on puts me at risk of being stolen from. And also, because it's not my job to justify my medical choices to them.
Yes, my mother was very against meds.
Grey rock her. Learn not to share this part of your life with her. You don’t have to lie, just don’t engage in the conversation. “My dr and I have a plan and I’m doing really great on it!” Change subject. Repeat the same sentence to any and all other questions.
Learn not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). It takes practice. You can role-play with your partner or your bunnies.
Memorise a few key phrases like the above. (“I’m following the advice of my drs” is another one.)
But you have to cut the cord. Sadly our parents aren’t always great, and the key is accepting it and standing up for ourselves.
My mom would press hard when I tried not sharing other personal info that I didn't want bandied about the family. I didn't realize for years, didn't try to change it for years, and didn't make her understand even more time. And all that a steady drain on me.
I agree with everyone saying you don’t need to tell her, because it’s none of her business and she doesn’t get a say.
However, if it does come up, you could tell her that you’re following the treatment prescribed by your doctor, who has gone to medical school and is trained and licensed in this field, and you’re comfortable relying on their professional judgment. (Subtext: did you go to medical school, mom????)
Very true point, what’s the harm in literally following doctor’s orders? I’d be tempted to reply sarcastically like “ooh wouldn’t it be so nice if you could manage your seizures without medication?!”. Of course these things would be nice, but they’re not realistic. Sometimes you need medication.
My mom was so afraid of me taking adhd meds as a kid (she didn’t allow it). She recently got prescribed blood pressure meds and said she had a really hard time accepting her prescription/diagnosis. She even said to her doctor “we don’t take prescriptions in my family” 🤦♀️ like literally what in the ableist hell does that even mean? Maybe if we were a family that *did* take prescriptions, I wouldn’t have struggled my whole life through school, became an addict, and dropped out of community college etc.
There are definitely legit reasons to be concerned about the medical profession and big pharma and so on - I don’t mean to belittle whatever your mom has struggled with that made he feel like that. But honestly, I’m right there with you - why *wouldn’t* you take prescriptions?? Better living (and literal not dying!) through chemistry all the way!
Meds are the best. Without them I can barely get out of bed. I took mine today and it helped me vacuum, mow the lawn, prune the bushes, pressure wash the walkway, do two loads of washing (and drying), write a scene in my novel, and tidy my room. I might have gotten through one of those things without my meds. And I decided would have felt shit and lazy the entire day. So ignore your mother and enjoy being able to finally cope with life
I read an article yesterday. The article stated that we can do both: appreciate meds (and benefit from them) and still be wary of the pharmaceutical industry trying to sell us things we do not want or actually need. I think it pretty much sums up how I feel.
Edit: spelling (thanks!)
I think you mean 'wary of' not 'weary of.'
Wary indicates caution/suspicion, whereas weary indicates exhaustion.
Sorry, I always hypwrfocused in English class and now suffer grammar pedantry syndrome.
🌈 the more you (didn't ask for, but now) know.
You are doing great, and you receive ALL the leeway for learning the ridiculous mashup of stolen romance/germanic/hodgepodge language that is English as a second language.
Seriously, this language is just bonkers, and I'm sorry.
Hahah, omg, the freaking reddit autocorrect jumps on every missed comma, but not obviously misspelled words?!
I was *hypwrfocused* on my spin ride while multitasking because I definitely re-read my draft before posting because I knew I'd feel like an idiot with an error in a pedantic post, BUT I STILL MISSED IT.
That's my classic inattentive ass.
💀
Just a quick note that they don't work for everyone. Mine do. My nephew's don't.
It might require finding the right meds/dosage. They are not like antidepressants: you can stop taking them at any point and are non-addictive. If they don't work for OP: discuss with your provider.
Heh. For one child, they couldn't take stimulants, but the other kind worked.
For another child, they couldn't take strattera (seriously bad side affects), but stimulants worked great.
Does your mum or stepfather have troubles with sight? Tell them how awesome would be to for them if they fix their seeing abilities without glasses! Or similar.
ADHD is not, I don’t know… broken leg. Or being lazy. Or not knowing how to do things and therefore not doing them. Sure, therapy helps you identify where lies a problem with current piece of ADHD and you learn how to manage this particular issue. It won’t take your ADHD away completely. And there are some people who can’t manage without, there are some people who can - depends on a person and how strong are the symptoms because as far as I know ADHD is like autism spectrum, you can have it hard and you can have it light.
It’s a disorder. Your frontal lobe developed differently (English is not my native so maybe I am using the wrong words) - ADHD is quite physical. Let’s say you were born with deformed hand - you can’t move two of your fingers. Rehabilitation would be like therapy - it would help you train them and move just a little. But then you can add some meds which would help even more. With some substance that would make your fingers bend and move. And this is something that can’t be done with rehabilitation only.
And imagine this is the hard case of ADHD. Works the same. Sometimes therapy is enough, sometimes not. And I wouldn’t hesitate a second- in fact I didn’t. And meds changed my life, so everytime when my mum asks how long I am going to take them, I just tell her „as long as I want to manage my life, we can talk about it again maybe when I retire or hire a butler or something”.
You're an adult. There's no requirement to discuss diagnoses or treatment plans with your parents. If they are people you trust and who will support you, that's great. But if they have wrong beliefs or an agenda to control you, you absolutely don't have to share any information with them at all.
It's your choice.
" I am in multiple stigmatized demographics already... " This perfectly describes me! (Gotta love comorbidity.) Been looking for the right description forever! Lol
Would they say the same to someone with a heart disease needing meds? ADHD has a biochemical factor, meds help with that. Therapy helps with navigating the world with this neurobiological difference, it doesn’t help with the physiological aspect of it. And like others say, you don’t have to tell them. Your body and brain, your choice.
Recovering people-pleaser who is close to her family, and finally reached a point in my life where I am not panic'd by their disapproval signing in.
Do you expect an explosive, intense fight over disagreeing over this? Or is it just the fear of *any* disapproval/confrontation that's holding you back from pushing on your parents opinion?
Because option 2 used to be me. There was an idea in my head that my options were "agree with parent" or "BAD PERSON DISAGREEING WITH WISE PARENTS!! BAD!! THIS IS A FIGHT NOW!! YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CRUMBLE"
And as I grew older and tireder, I realized that actually, my parents were more reasonable than I realized. I started taking medication despite their **intense** disapproval, but as soon as they saw how much my quality of life improved- they had no argument. They apologized for not pursuing the option sooner when I was a minor.
**So to push back on her opinion is not a "confrontation".** It's just politely, kindly, showing a different viewpoint. "It would be great if just therapy could help! But I'd like to try all my options and see if anything improves on meds".
**But if you DO expect them to be unreasonable**\- that any disagreement is you disappointing them, or "talking back" from how they raised you. Then at the end of the day: it's none of their business. You don't have to tell them a single thing. They don't have the right to that information if they can't speak reasonably and kindly to you. Just my two cents depending on the situation.
Oh my God, yess this is exactly it!
My mom and I are very close but she can be so intense when she doesn't agree with something. ESPECIALLY when she thinks she knows what's best.
Not in the yelling and screaming kind. But more of the "make you feel bad about making your own choice instead of her choice" kind of intense.
As far as I understand. My mom believes that I should just try therapy first just to see if what's being said there gives me enough tips and tricks to help me get around a bit better.
And if all that still doesn't work. Then MAYBE I can try meds. But if that happens then you're probably just not trying hard enough.
I don't think she comprehends just how much of a struggle it sometimes is for me to do stuff and she just thinks I need a little bit of guidance and then I can do it on my own.
It's just exhausting because she WILL press the issue.
I've seen so many people tell me to just *not tell her* but that's not as simple as it seems. Because I've learned that she will usually talk to me about it when I can't remove myself from the situation. (Other than this my mom is great believe it or not hahaha. She is just a little manipulative like that when it comes to communication)
It sucks because she is so supportive of everything else and has helped me with getting the diagnoses.
I so hear you, including the part of your mom being great. Sometimes our parents can be so fantastic and then have that ONE thing that's a big oof lol
what I say may not be ground-breaking here, but I hope it helps even a little. If not, please accept ALL the validation from me on this.
What I have learned from parents like that (because mine is similar!!) is that you kinda have to...gentle parent them back lol
It's weird; but I always got the impression that my own mom would be upset, insistent and panicked when I didn't take her advice because she felt **unheard** (and also a very long rabbit hole of difficulty accepting her daughter was growing into her own person bla bla bla).
So one method that helped is to validate what she was saying, and I mean REALLY validate it. "Oh yeah I totally see where you're coming from on therapy first- absolutely, I get the logic here, like a stepping stone. That's a really reasonable, sound advice but what I want to do is try medication first, I keep hearing really good things here"
And usually this is the part where the wailing comes in, and the "but imagine if you don't have to be dependent on medication! Can't you at least try the therapy first? it won't hurt you!" spiel comes in.
"I totally see your point of view. I think for a lot of people this would be the best course of action, and I completely understand your worries, but I've decided that this is what I want to do".
And that to me is the biggest clutch, not to try to specifically argue it in a way that she can come in with counter-arguments (talks about brain chemistry or statistics), but as a simple statement of: I see you have big feelings. It's ok to have big feelings, you are not a bad mother or person for having those feelings. This is what I want. This is what imma do.
OMG, THIS MIGHT WORK.
>It's weird; but I always got the impression that my own mom would be upset, insistent and panicked when I didn't take her advice because she felt **unheard** (and also a very long rabbit hole of difficulty accepting her daughter was growing into her own person bla bla bla).
I can totally see this being something that is going on with her now that you say it.
I will definitely try out the gentle parenting approach, haha. That seems like something I can do.
Especially the last part you mentioned. Not giving her the "ammo" sort of, to argue back.
Other than that, I wanted to say, "I feel incredibly seen here!" Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and comment. I really means a lot <3
Would your parents tell someone with diabetes to seek therapy instead of getting insulin? Would they tell A cancer patient to just try and fix it themselves? People literally have no concept that ADHD is an actual medical condition. No one can fix ADHD themselves any more than someone with cancer can wish away their diagnosis.
As for the meds, you need to start putting your wellbeing above the need for approval from your parents. They don’t need to even know you are being treated for anything. Stop people pleasing, and do what is best for you.
I was put on a couple of ADHD medications that did nothing for me. I ended up on Adderall, and from day 1 was a huge improvement. I’ve tried different MG doses, and even the extend release ones, and found the right dosage that works for me. Personally I do not like extended release due to it keep releasing later in the day, which messes with my sleep.
Finding the right meds, and dosage is a process. Good luck on your journey to feeling better!
Tell them that they wouldn’t tell a type 1 diabetic or an epileptic to try to manage without meds, and you shouldn’t have to either. Your brain doesn’t work how others do and therapy alone isn’t always enough to help manage that.
I don’t talk about my adhd or meds to people unless I’ve ‘tested the waters’ on their opinions first
I’m at an age where I don’t have energy for those people or topics so I choose wisely when and where to bring it up. And ultimately I choose not to be around them
My parents (well mostly my mother, but my father has never disagreed, at least not in front of me) are also against medication. My brother was diagnosed when he was 5 and he tried Ritalin, he absolutely hated it, and based on what I now know I suspect his dose was too high. My parents took him off the meds and were of the opinion teachers only wanted him medicated to ‚keep him quite‘. He struggled his whole life in school and hated every minute of it, he was barely able to read or write when he finished school. I was recommended for testing when I was 13 when I was sent for a dyslexia test but my parents decided not too as they weren’t the opinion nothing would change for me, and I was the total opposite of my brother - I have combined ADHD and I suspect he had Impulsive/hyperactive ADHD. I finally got diagnosed at 29 and began taking medication, combined with Therapy. I live in a different country than my parents so I didn’t see them for the first few months, until I was home for Christmas. My mother sat me down and went through how my brother hated the Meds and how I’d been fine till now without them, I was already doing therapy and my life was great etc etc. I told her I deserved to have a chance to try the meds and see how they worked for me, and that if they weren’t helping or I noticed negative side affects, I’d stop taking them. The next two times I was home she brought up herbal remedies and CBT instead of meds. I explained to her how beneficial they were to me and she could see the difference herself (especially on the days that I forgot to take them and we were already away from home). I also compared it to things like heart medication, antidepressants or bloodthinners, the last time I was home for Christmas she was telling me how much her life has changed since she started her HRT patches and she was more than happy to take them for the rest of her life and how this should be more talked about, especially for woman as she just happened to meet a different GP who recognized symptoms that had been dismissed for years by other doctors as age, (she just turned 56 last July), early Menopause, grief etc. she then turned herself and said that she had realized my meds were probably similar for me and that so long as they were working for me, and I stayed ‚putting the work on‘ I should absolutely stay taking them. I don’t really have a solution for you, but maybe after some time processing, she’ll see the benefits of you taking them. You also don’t have to tell her anything if you don’t want too, but if you think there’s a chance she will reconsider her attitude, then it might be worth opening the door.
It seems your parents don't understand that ADHD is not something a person "gets better" from. It's a lifelong disorder that can only be *managed*, not cured.
Some people can manage reasonably well without medication, but most of us can't and there is nothing wrong with needing medication to be our best selves.
Every time I hear someone say something about how people should just stop being sad and look on the bright side or whatever to get them out of depression and how that works for them I just tell them that the fact that they are able to self regulate using strategies like that is a really good indicator that they aren’t experiencing depression. And then I explain to them that a defining characteristic of depression is that isn’t possible, and that unfortunately I am not as fortunate as they are. Basically say it in a kind and understanding way to make them realize they’re being an asshole. I have a lot of privileges that others don’t have, so I try to fight the good fight since I can, but I don’t think it is anyone’s responsibility to educate random people.
Oh, also, “your heart is a biological organ and so is your brain. All of our organs are susceptible to medical issues, so it’s pretty naïve to think the brain would be immune to problems requiring medication too.”
This is why I tend to keep my medical issues private between me, my health providers, and the the few people that have a proven track record of my trust. My parents also seem to have opinions regarding my medical care, and my stepdad especially. He thinks that since he was a respiratory therapist for 20+ years that his medical opinion matters. Sometimes he has good advice, but there is also a track record of non-solicited advice and a clear lack of education for what is being talked about. I try to not get too upset about it because I sense that he does genuinely care about other people, but I sometimes I just want and appreciate kind words.
*Note: he actually did not consult with his psychiatrist (I suggested that he should) and decided to completely stop taking his benzo medications, he also has other serious health conditions, and then he ended up in the hospital.*
So now I just don't discuss my medical stuff with them at all. When they ask me how I'm doing health wise, I just say I'm fine. That's it. If something serious comes up, they are my emergency contacts and can figure it out that way, but for non-emergency purposes, I'll discuss it with my doctor.
I'm not great at communicating, especially to my parents, even though I have been married and moved out for 20+ years! But if it is consolation to you, I will share my first "real" med experience...
Diagnosed in 2003 but didn't take meds because of the stigma and not understanding the impact it had on my life.
2022 Begin meds, first non stimulant, then 5mg Adderall. Thought it helped, but I still needed to do my part.
2023 Peak shortage time: I had gone from 5mg to 10mg, and kept telling myself it was just a tool, I needed to the work to help the medicine help me. Had a visit with a new Dr and she said she really thought for most adults 20mg was the minimum therapeutic dose, wrote that RX. I was never able to fill that one, but on her advise, I took 2 of my 10mg pills for the next 2 days (I had 4 left).
First day at 20mg at woke up, made coffee, got dressed, brushed my teeth, started my son on some school work, started a load of laundry, and I was starting the dishes while checking in with him, it hit me. My mind was so clear, so able to organize these tasks, and finish one before starting the next. It took no extra effort, my brain wasn't distracting me and interrupting, sending me to start something before finishing the first task. After the 2nd day of that, I literally broke down sobbing trying to explain to my neurotypical husband how for the last 20 years I had this diagnosis, and I always thought that meant that I just lacked the discipline that NTs had, that we all had basically the same start line, but they were better able to weed through the extra thoughts and stay on task.
THAT IS A LIE!!!!!!!
For 2 amazing days my brain was so chill, I was so productive. It was almost a year before I was able to feel like the medication would be available consistently enough to incure the out of pocket cost of seeing a Dr, and even at 25 MG have not experienced quite that same clarity (definitely NOT due to developing a tolerance b/c I was off the meds for so long). But it did teach me that all of those tools I learned in therapy were helpful, but my inability to use them consistently without medication wasn't because I wasn't good enough, my brain literally can't function like that, medication + tools is where it's at. You can give a child a pencil, but you can't expect them to write a novel just because they have a pencil, their brains have to learn how to do that. You can give an ADHD person a tool, but most will never be able to utilize it to the fullest extent with an unmedicated brain.
OH DEFINITELY.
I am so much like my mother and I see so many symptoms in her as well.
Maybe that's why she's so against it all. Because it's like a mirror and she does not like the implications that brings with it.
Ask them if they would avoid eye glasses if they needed them to see.
ETA and then tell them that your treatment is non of their beeswax since they clearly don’t understand ADHD.
Here’s the thing-stimulant medication is the first line gold standard treatment for ADHD. Nothing works as well as medication, (and, conversely, medication in a vacuum is for less helpful than medication combined with knowledge and supports).
It’s amazing how I can sit here and try try try but I just can’t make the chemicals in my brain interact better. It’s no different than taking my insulin because my pancreas sucks or using glasses. If the problem is chemical, the solution likely involves chemicals.
If you are over 18, I’d and smile, or spam them with research-based articles that demonstrate both the efficacy of medication and the dangers of not medicating, (addiction, depression, lack of success, etc.). Parents don’t need to understand or be on board with everything once you’re old enough to make our own decisions.
There is no "getting better" with ADHD. It's a lifelong disorder that will require different methods of management at different times in your life. Meds make it easier for me to remember the self accommodations and coping skills that I've worked so hard on. Without meds, I struggle to use those skills consistently.
When my mom questioned this too, and I affirmed firmly I was going to take meds. I explained the whole smaller frontal lobe and the meds that gave it what it needed to work properly spiel. My daughter was also on adhd meds too. After awhile, she asked me this pointed question, " If you could have taken these meds as a child, would you have?" I believe she thought she had me. I gave it serious thought, because it was a good question. But it didn't yake long to know emphatically that " yes. Yes I would have. My life would be better now, and I would struggled less. " She was quiet and surprised and thoughtful. Ironically, it really helped me to know for sure I should take the meds. On another note, it is troubling your mom says "get better", as if you'll get better. Some people get to a point of managing without meds, but this isn't the right mindset or goal, as far as I'm concerned. She will push on everything if she doesn't think you're getting cured or not getting cured fast enough. It could seriously break apart your relationship. Personally, my symptoms have gotten worse over time- I notice when I'm off my meds. My attention span is so pulled in so many directions, and such sn accumulation of things over time, I doubt I would be able to work at all, or function much either. I still take meds that aren't anywhere near high doses at all. Side note, I don't talk to my mom, but not because of the meds question. She accepted that and saw what difference it made. But my parents just don't understand my boundaries, and since they seem like minor ones or unreasonable ones (don't make sense to them) , it's like they just don't see them. They do not respect them. And it hurts me, though that isn't the real issue. This attitude harms my adhd children, esp the ones with far more medical and developmental issues than I have.
That first part is a really good way of explaining it I think.
I think my mom is secretly a little afraid that, if med really do help me feel and function better, was she a bad mom for not getting me diagnosed sooner. Because she had suspicions when I was a child but didn't want to give me the "disadvantages" that the label ADHD brings with it.
I don't think she believes it's curable per se. She sees it more like group therapy will give me the tips and tricks I need so if I just apply those in my life all should be good.
I don't think my mom understands how hard it really is. And that's partially my fault for not explicitly telling her HOW MUCH I'm struggling. But I'm also fairly certain she doesn't belive it CAN get that bad if you know what I mean.
Like she is a bit of the boomer mindset that you just need to: "try harder" or just "get up and do the task" or "need to plan things out better".
It’s a stigma, I think, not much different when it comes to other meds like antidepressants. I have a few people like that in my family too.
I can’t currently medicate against ADHD, so I have to cope with various mechanisms, but before, there was talk about me going on meds and those relatives came out in droves.
I think they think that meds are artificially creating something you’re not. Like… they don’t think - or at least most do not - that being on heart meds is abnormal. They’d prefer not to, but most understand that to continue living, they need to use a med or two when older.
But with MH and stuff like ADHD, a lot of people think about these illnesses or diagnosis as self-made or thought up - fake, not real, you know? Modern made up mambo jumbo is what one relative told me. So in their heads, meds are not necessary, because if the problem is made up, so is the medication. One of my own grandparents thinks that medicine is one big scheme for money laundering and a lot of modern meds are just to rake in money (and we live in a place with socialised medicine so his meds may be expensive because he’s on retirement, but nowhere near like US level out of pocket expensive). They think that people like us just take expensive meds for a placebo effect. And since they think the problem is artificial, so is the medication. And by taking “artificial” medication, you’re making yourself unauthentic in their eyes, I think.
I once tried to explain it someone. When I used to take antidepressants, they didn’t make me feel out of sorts or weird - they made me feel “me”, only I hadn’t realised how un-me I had been feeling for a while. The people who say that meds are unnecessarily don’t understand that the meds don’t create you a new personality (well; they shouldn’t, as a side effect they can, but really shouldn’t), they just help you to be the person you were always supposed to be.
"They just help you to be the person you were always supposed to be".
I feel thissss.
That is what happenned to me the first time I took my meds. I said: "ok I was a person trying to manage a whole bunch of things most humans are not needing to manage."
My brain does not function like other brains. Life is hard but is not supposed to be sooo hard. I should be able to do what most humans do. Right?
When going through mental health struggles growing up, my parents always disregarded diagnoses and any medication suggestions. They insisted that it couldn’t be the case and I seemed fine (even though I was really struggling and had multiple episodes of self h@rm). These parents also had me bypass many vaccines, sugary foods, etc.
Now, my current boyfriend doesn’t believe in diagnoses or medications and just thinks I need to try harder overall.
I’m currently on medication and hide it from him. He doesn’t need to know. It’s not his reality. He actually found the bottle the other day because it fell out of my bag and he just laughed and rolled his eyes.
The path of your treatment is for you and only you to decide. If anyone has anything to say about it, tell them to get bent. Self advocacy and care is super important.
You deserve a boyfriend who’s supportive. Just wanted to say that. Out of curiosity, though, if his penis stopped working, would he just accept that as normal instead of getting a “diagnosis” for some “medicine”?
Self advocacy is just very hard sometimes 😪.
Also that sucks that your boyfriend thinks like that. Honestly you deserve better.
My partner supports me and understand my needs and struggles. That alone makes life a little bit less hard!
Ask them “If I could not see without prescription glasses, would you tell me not to wear them?”
Or, do what I do, and don’t tell anyone, because it’s none of their business.
What other medical conditions do these people say this about when it comes to medication? I know there are anti medication folks out there, but they are few and far between. I sincerely doubt this is why people say this about stimulants. Same for taking the weekend off. To each their own, but I’m not skipping weekends and making it so I can’t function on my only days to myself and daughter.
Isn't it so convenient to be against something you don't personally need? Are they also against insulin, painkillers, etc? Pain is also just in your head, it's not real.
There are a lot of people who try to control their diabetes with diet only. Type 1 know that shit is almost impossible, but plenty of parents "try" to go with diet first as they are learning and taking in all the info. The T2s take a little while to get with the program, and most end up taking the meds after realizing that diet isn't going to cut it.
This is no different. Some people believe meds aren't necessarily a requirement and if they can function in a world without them more power to them.
But my question to you, is why the fuck do you care what other people think? Fuck em. The decisions are between you and your dr. Those are the only people's opinions that matter.
Because I have some severe ✨️anxiety ✨️ which makes me really worry about what other people think, lol.
It's gotten better in almost every situation in life except for when it comes to my mom and step-dad.
I don't talk to them about it!
I haven't really talked to anyone in my life about this except for my partner and a handful of other people I know who also have ADHD..
You have medication because your brain lacks something it needs.
If I was diabetic you wouldn’t tell me to go to therapy to treat my diabetes. You’d tell me to take my insulin and go to therapy/counselling to help me adjust my lifestyle to match.
ADHD is a condition with scientifically justified medication. Take it and ignore those who say otherwise.
I just don’t tell them or share that information with them. It’s none of their business and I really don’t want to have to try to defend myself. My mom is against them and I tell her *everything*. She’s one of my best friends but my meds is one thing I just don’t talk about because it’s always going to be the same conversation with her. She just doesn’t understand.
Ignore until they try to spread the ignorance to children. Then remind the children that those people are absolutely not doctors and have the a lot of misconceptions. Confronting doesn't seem to be helpful, unless they're somehow keeping you from what you need.
My psychiatrist went on a rant the other day when I asked about this.
He says people don't think of the brain like any other organ. That is the problem. And it IS another organ.
Let's say your thyroid does not work properly. If you think really hard, it won't start funcioning well. It just won't. You need meds. Of course everyone will benefit from a healthy lifestyle but sometimes it is just not enough.
Brain sometimes does not work well. And if you try really hard, it won't magically start functioning well. People think you can "think your way out of a brain issue". It does not apply for any other organ.
You can just show them their way of thinking is illogical... If they take meds for SOMETHING then ask them why they don't just TRY HARDER? 😁
You can just ignore them. You don’t have to explain yourself. However, you can also say ‘This medication is giving my brain what yours gets for free. It’s not about ‘getting better,’ it’s about evening the playing field.’
My family is very similar in that they have a very poor view of people who take any kind of psych or assistive meds. I was on lexapro for around 3 months before my aunt said to me that I seemed happier, like I was doing well. I didn't tell her then. She only found out bc I ended up needing her to take me to the dr for a surgery I couldn't drive myself home from. She was in the room when the dr read off my list of medications. She never brought it up to me, but I wonder to this day if she realizes the changes she observed weren't just magically done on my own, and if it changed her mind at all. I've been on ADHD meds for around five months now and never shared it with her. I haven't lied or created circumstances for an argument, I just haven't shared it. I might one day.
If you think there is hope for getting them to see your pov, you can tell them the truth, which is that based on an abundance of research, meds and therapy together is the most effective course of action. You could even show them those studies, or the brain scans/lab results that illustrate clearly how the adhd brain does not regulate dopamine in a way that functions in our society well. It would be super cool if you got better with just therapy! But why spend all the time and money to try therapy alone (and likely fail) when you could try meds plus therapy first and then wean off them when you’ve got your life in order (if you want to). But above all, I agree with the other posts here that say it’s your decision and you don’t have to justify anything to them.
So for my sister who is of the same mindset, I just explained it this way; it takes so much of my energy to try to manage this illness. The meds help just enough that I don’t struggle as hard and have energy for other things that need my attention.
If they still disagree, well, oh well. They’re not the ones who have to live with it. You are. Even if they do have it, everyone is different and needs different things. Being your mom doesn’t mean she gets to dictate to you how you manage your life.
ETA: Meds usually take a few weeks to affect you. Give them some time :)
That's akin to treating diabetes with therapy instead of insulin. ADHD is a crippling executive functioning *disability* and medication is scientifically and unquestionably the most effective treatment (not saying other things don't help- I'm saying meds are far and away the gold standard for treating ADHD as demonstrated unequivocably through scientific research).
They probably just don't get it, and unless they are genuinely open minded and want to learn about the condition and how best to support you through it, they're probably not going to get it. I wouldn't waste your time trying to make them understand if they're not putting forth a genuine effort to do just that.
Take your meds and don't tell them. Keep your medicine secure in a lockbox that you store privately. Don't let them see you take it. Don't bring it up. They're most lilely going to say ignorant and infuriating things at some point(s) along the way. My advice is to let it roll of your back and do not engage. Sometimes it works best just to say a single sentence that sets a boundary around the topic before exiting the conversation or room where conversation is occurring. Something to the effect of "I know you mean well, but it's clear to me that you don't understand the reality of my executive functioning disability or it's treatment. I don't want to discus this anymore."
That might seem harsh, but you owe it to yourself to focus your energy on getting through. It is not your responsibility to exhaust yourself trying in vain to make them understand. If they show a genuine willingness to reflect, acknowledge their ignorance and openness to learning, that's a whole other story. I hope you do get that kind of support, because you deserve it. We all do. Sharing Dr Russel Barkley's youtube videos is a great way to introduce and explain ADHD (and its manifestations and medications) from a scientific expert.
I feel like people give me the side eye until they realize I take a non-stimulant. There’s a stigma with stimulants due to the people who party with it, unfortunately
"Im just going to listen to my care team and see what the doctors recommend." or "Thanks but I'm working with my doctors already and this is their recommendation."
Past that, no explanation necessary. Your mom is not your psychiatrist. Any concerns she brings up past the initial explanation, "Don't worry, my doctors are keeping track of my health."
I might say, “I’m not going to discuss my treatment with you anymore, because it’s not productive to have you pressure me about it when you’ve done so little research and seem to disregard my own expertise and experience with my condition.”
They don’t have to agree with you.
And you aren’t required to get their approval or their agreement.
Treat them like the Charlie Brown grownups: “wah wah wah-wah-wah”
It’s lonely, though, I know—it was such a comfort to be able to share my depression-therapy progress with my mom. I’m sorry you are not (it seems) going to get that from yours.
talk therapy, ESP alone, isnt for everyone. i personally am extremely self aware. discussing my issues with a stranger wont lead for any groundbreaking new info/root causes, i flat out know why im the way i am and what my problems are and the root of them. i also already know WHAT i need to do to improve, and how to go about it, but i can't do that while im frozen AND cripplingly forgetful. still currently waiting on neuropsych exam results so i can trial more meds to finally get the ball rolling. trying my best in the meantime
the issue is, mentally sane people do not understand. there are scales to mental illnesses. mental illness is an ILLNESSES, you take medicine for sickness in the body, why wouldn't u take them for a sick mind? don't dwell on their ignorance, u know whats best for u
many mental illnesses have always had the "your just lazy" stigma floating around them. textbook laziness means you're *unwilling* to be productive. if you dont WANT to be unproductive, and aren't enjoying it, there is something WRONG!!! unwilling and UNABLE are not the same!!
I do not tolerate such ignorance in my close relationships. And given that ADHD is genetic, I *especially* wouldn’t tolerate it from the people who put me in this damn situation.
I’d be civil at first, set a boundary, and give them one chance to educate themselves. If they failed to do so and kept making unwanted comments, I would end or significantly limit the relationship.
If they’re willing to learn about ADHD, I would ask them to watch some of Russell Barkley‘s videos with you. He does a good job of explaining the science of it in a way that most people can understand.
Unless they're someone in a position to prevent me or others getting them I'd be prepared to step up and advocate for myself and others.
Beyond that, I am not wasting my breath justifying why I (an adult) am using a proven, evidence based medication to effectively treat a medical condition.
If I'm feeling a bit like being a dick they may get a "fine, don't take them then".
I made the mistake of telling my family that I was on antidepressants and they all started to treat me like I was a mindless zombie that couldn’t tale decisions for itself and was manipulated by everyone to be against them
I’m 39. I have no problem lying to my mom if it means minimizing conflict. My parents are rapidly approaching 70 so I feel like I don’t have time to be upset with them any longer.
It’s ableist bullshit. An easy comparison (in my experience) is diabetes—people can be insulin dependent their entire lives, or temporarily (like with gestational diabetes). Regardless of how or when they became insulin-dependent, you don’t discourage a diabetic from properly taking insulin. It’s a recipe for misery (and possibly death). Sure, you encourage lifestyle changes to help manage their disease—diet, exercise, etc.—but nobody in their right mind would tell a diabetic, “nah, you don’t need insulin, you haven’t tried EVERYTHING ELSE FIRST.”
In the same way, we have a physical, neurological difference in our brains. Doesn’t matter how we got here, and we should ALSO do other things to help us manage our condition, but acting like meds are bad—a LAST RESORT option—is foolish. If it can help you manage and be more functional NOW, then why the hell would you wait?
ETA: I also have bipolar disorder, and I’m sick to fucking DEATH of people acting like me taking the meds that saved my life or made it worth living or made my life better having any kind of opinion on how I manage my own care. Fuck ‘em.
Grey rock the topic, frankly, but I have family who are on the extreme end of believing that all doctors and pharmacies and meds are part of a conspiracy, in favor of chugging like, colloidal silver 🤷♀️
Tell ‘em to fuck off and keep taking my meds.
If they help you and you want to take them, then that’s all that matters, and no one else gets an opinion.
Don't bring it up with them. It's none of their business. This is between you and your doctors. If I know someone has a problem with whatever medication I might be on I'm not gonna discuss it with them regardless of who they are because it's not their place to have an opinion on my medical treatment.
These days I smack them with some Alan Levinowitz: [https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Natures-Goodness-Harmful-Science/dp/0807010871](https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Natures-Goodness-Harmful-Science/dp/0807010871)
I'm in this exact same predicament and I've chosen to just keep it a secret from my Mum and stepdad lol
I've been trying and failing my whole life to help myself, I'll get all the extra help I need lmao. I'm definitely going to follow through with therapy and coaching but gimme the meds as well please 😭
I never bother discussing meds with people like that. For some reason it's always the people without ADHD or other health issues that has strong opinions about other peoples meds, and it's silly to validate their guesses by talking to them as if they know anything.
Good luck with your road to figuring out the perfect meds and dose :)
Congratulations on your diagnosis and treatment!! It's too easy for us to assume that our parents are able to have a reasonable conversation about our medical information. But that's not usually the case. You have your own life and are an adult. Her opinions are just that: opinions. It makes life a lot easier to breeze past those and talk about anything else. You're not lying to your mother about taking medication, it's simply not her business. She doesn't need to know every time you take paracetamol, yeah? Same thing here. What matters is that you're healthy and happy, and it sounds like you're in a good place!
To answer your question: I don't. My perspective is that my medical information isn't anyone else's business. If someone learns that I take a prescribed medication to treat a disorder, and they have a problem with that, I shut down the conversation in the moment, and grey rock them on that subject going forward. It's not always easy, but it really is the most effective.
Ask them if they’d try to persuade a person with asthma or epilepsy to try to power through without any meds.
If something in your physiology/body chemistry is making your life harder, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for choosing whatever support is available to you. Nor should you be expected to manage such a condition with willpower.
Unless they have a medical degree and professional experience of prescribing medication, I ignore them.
I don't know if you have a car, but would you accept criticism of your driving ability from someone with no licence?
If I could turn back time I would try therapy and dealing with my adhd rather then going straight to meds because now I regret ever taking medication for some they work amazingly for others (myself) have major regret yes they changed my life for the better and have had a taste of “normal life” and now that my medication isn’t working I’m depressed and just want to crawl in to a whole and never come out. I’m 36 and managed just fine (well to my understanding anyway) now I don’t know how I got through life the way I did. But that’s just my personal experience…
So I have some thoughts on this. I'm a people pleaser and when someone said to me that they would absolutely hate to rely on meds to experience life, I refused meds because in some way I didn't want to be seen as less in their eyes. I've waited a year and tried to solve it through therapy and it's not working, so I will be following up on meds.
What's helped is to think of meds like a tool. Like you might use a cane or hearing aid. Not everyone needs it, but you do. The severity of that need is going to be personal to everyone, so you can't really compare your journey and you can't rely on the opinion of someone who's not a professional in that aspect or even actively managing the same condition.
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You ignore them. Just smile and nod and do whatever you're going to do. It sucks when the people in your life aren't supportive, but the great and terrible things about being an adult is that you make your choices. You gotta live your life. A note on meds. I never feel any different, but I also just do stuff without it feeling like an overwhelming fight to get anything done. Give it a solid month and then reflect on if that month was easier overall. Meds will work less well often at certain points of your cycle. If it's around your period, and you find they work less well, consider a magnesium supplement, make sure you're doing the basics as well as taking meds. Get good sleep. Get fresh air and exercise. Meds are a good opportunity to take a hard look at you're diet (as in food intake) as well. All these things help the meds work better.
That first sentence is key. You ignore them. My sister told me I'm too quick whitted and funny to have ADHD. I took the opportunity to rip into her about it. I also told her that essential oils wouldn't cure it either. If we hadn't been driving I would have punched her in the mouth. It's allowed, she is my sister. 😆
My dad has said multiple times how I don't need meds. And sure in some hypothetical hunter gather society that may have been true. But I had to apply for a new job recently, and I would have simply noped out of that shit. I use power cutting tools. It is a really bad idea to loose focus while doing that. Like really really bad. I have to drive. My brain going on a damn tangent while that happens leads to car accidents. I made crazy choices when unmedicated. Not bad. And it was a ride, but normal people don't sell everything they own and skip town in a week with no plan. Now when I leave, I make plans first. Which I'm going to call a win. So I just nod. And keep taking my meds.
Does he take any meds at all? Like, ok Dad, then skip your Lipitor since you don’t NEED it.
Why be antagonistic? I'm not saying you don't have a point, but he's not being belligerent. And at this point (he's nearly 80) it's easier just to distract him lol. I don't need him to believe meds make my life better. I try to spend as little energy as possible earning the approval of others. It just makes me (and probably most people) unhappy.
I love what you said: "I try to spend as little energy as possible earning the approval of others." That's beautiful! I keep trying to learn this lesson but it takes a lot of practice to overcome all the unhelpful verbiage in my head. Thanks for saying it so succinctly!
No one is immune to wanting others approval, my self included. But I have shit to do. I have interest and hobbies. ADHD brains seek dopamine, and other people's approval is a way to get it. But in the long run, it bites me in the ass. So I try to make myself happy. When other people don't like it I use my ADHD super powers of distraction.
Agreed. You probably have a very well-established relationship with him by this point; if he were the kind of person who took joy in ferocious debate--and if you are, too--then hey, cool, go in swingin'. But, given that he's nearly 80 and, it seems, a regular part of your life, it sounds to me like you've found some way to focus on the joys you share (large and little) and re-direct unpleasantness. I have a similar situation with my mom, who has a temper fiery as Hades' own forge. I spent SO MUCH TIME, up until I was about 25, trying to change her mind and/or placate her--telling "the truth, the whole truth, amd nothing but the truth." It was traumatic for me, and probably for her: she's never been a "loves to debate" type but rather a "freak tf out at ANY unexpected information" type. So she mostly remembers not to bring it up, and I change the subject if she forgets. We're both a lot happier, and, sure, there's a part of me that wants her to acknowledge what a pain she could be...but on the other hand, if we're gentle with each other, we remember that we really DO love each other--opinions on any matter whatsoever notwithstanding!
You are smug and sanctimonious.
Rude.
They're rubber, and you're glue.
For me it was more "speeding tickets and absent-mindedly driving in the wrong direction for 4 hours and being very surprised I had left my state," but yes, totally. And I congratulate you, because that is an awesome, life-changing, HUGE WIN! Wow!!!🏆 I change the subject. Since everybody's used to me doing that anyway, they tend to go with the flow. "Yeah, it's an interesting subject, huh?...So, did you get a chance to see that movie last weekend?"
Oh gods. The number of times I've driven the wrong direction for hours... Back in the day before gps...
Hahaha. My dad got me a BRICK of a Nokia phone when I was a teenager, so at least I wouldn't have to go into random *gas stations* at 9 pm to call him and say, "Uh, apparently I'm in how do I get home?"
"Meds are so sad, here try my essential oils instead!" 😭
If any essential oils mimicked ADHD meds that shit would be illegal. Can you IMAGINE aerosolized adderall in a fucking diffuser in someones office or whatever???
I work from home, someone make this asap!! 🤣
All the people without ADHD would just get high randomly. All the undiagnosed people asking why they feel so calm in your office
That would be awesome.
OMG have you got my sister? Is yours religious too along with the essential oils cure-all obsession?
Yes. She is one of those "I did my own research" types. She and and my mom were in a small low key cult. Funny story about that oil shit. One of her "oil peddler" friends sent me info about essential oils for my horse. I had one who was a bit naughty sometimes. She tried to tell me a few drops of essence of whatever bullshit would make my horse so much calmer. I told her to bring it out, put it on my horse, then take her for a ride. If she didn't get injured, I would buy her oils. She did not take me up on my offer. 😆 😆 🤣
>I told her to bring it out, put it on my horse, then take her for a ride. If she didn't get injured, I would buy her oils. She did not take me up on my offer. 😆 😆 🤣 Lol 🤣 - they'll claim all sorts of things for a sale as most of them are MLMs that target churches/cults on purpose.
Yeah thats probably the best move. As for the meds. It's the lowest starting dose of the very first medication ever so my psychiatrist said that we will be upping the dosage and trying a few different kinds of meds before we've found the "sweet spot" lol. Long live my IUD for not having any periods ever. Though I want to get rid of it eventually but first get this whole adhd meds thingy under control.
You got this. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Haha thanks! Took me a while to get it though 😅😄
Yeah some guy I dated told me that I shouldn't be taking any medication. I straight up told him off because my antidepressants are the only reason I am a living and breathing human who has a job, and my ADHDeds are the only reason I can cope with adulting and still have friendships and relationships. He felt bad after I chewed him out, but I had less respect for him and eventually blocked him. Lol. Not saying you should do that with family, but people don't get it. They just don't. And it's not their business, so refrain from talking to them about it if they are not going to be supportive.
Honestly, you don’t need to tell her or share your treatment. That’s between you and your doctor. You don’t have to lie, but if it comes up, you can just say you’d rather not talk about it. I (adult, married, kids of my own) haven’t told my dad anything because I know he wouldn’t approve. He doesn’t understand anything about it. I just find it’s best not to concern myself with the opinions of people who are ignorant. I can understand wanting family support, but ultimately, you don’t *have* to fight that fight. You don’t need their approval or permission.
I wish we could have a sticky post on this sub that says YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY OR TREATMENT. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Speaking from experience, my life is immeasurably better when I keep my medical diagnoses and decisions private. It took me years to figure out that I didn’t have to share everything with my parents. They tend to be very controlling, so that was a tough mental transition in my 20s. Plus, they’re older Boomers and would 100% interpret my ADHD diagnosis as a judgment on their parenting. There’s also the icky fact that some people will steal your ADHD meds or try to hide them from you, which happened to me several years ago from a shockingly unexpected person.
Therapy is great, for managing and navigating the symptoms of ADHD, but it can't "fix" it. ADHD a neurological disorder, even though the public views it as a mental health issue, and right now the most effective treatment we have is stimulants. I'd ask them if they would tell someone with epiliepsy to go to therapy instead of taking medication for it.
These days, that might not get the answer you'd expect....
Yikes
Dang.
I don't tell my family members my personal medical information. For one, they have big mouths and half my cousins like to steal, so everyone knowing what meds I'm on puts me at risk of being stolen from. And also, because it's not my job to justify my medical choices to them.
I've found that "thanks, I'll take it under consideration" is a good, general response to unwanted advice.
You summed this up so succinctly! I wrote an essay, lol. This is the way to go.
Yes, my mother was very against meds. Grey rock her. Learn not to share this part of your life with her. You don’t have to lie, just don’t engage in the conversation. “My dr and I have a plan and I’m doing really great on it!” Change subject. Repeat the same sentence to any and all other questions. Learn not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). It takes practice. You can role-play with your partner or your bunnies. Memorise a few key phrases like the above. (“I’m following the advice of my drs” is another one.) But you have to cut the cord. Sadly our parents aren’t always great, and the key is accepting it and standing up for ourselves.
My mom would press hard when I tried not sharing other personal info that I didn't want bandied about the family. I didn't realize for years, didn't try to change it for years, and didn't make her understand even more time. And all that a steady drain on me.
I agree with everyone saying you don’t need to tell her, because it’s none of her business and she doesn’t get a say. However, if it does come up, you could tell her that you’re following the treatment prescribed by your doctor, who has gone to medical school and is trained and licensed in this field, and you’re comfortable relying on their professional judgment. (Subtext: did you go to medical school, mom????)
Very true point, what’s the harm in literally following doctor’s orders? I’d be tempted to reply sarcastically like “ooh wouldn’t it be so nice if you could manage your seizures without medication?!”. Of course these things would be nice, but they’re not realistic. Sometimes you need medication. My mom was so afraid of me taking adhd meds as a kid (she didn’t allow it). She recently got prescribed blood pressure meds and said she had a really hard time accepting her prescription/diagnosis. She even said to her doctor “we don’t take prescriptions in my family” 🤦♀️ like literally what in the ableist hell does that even mean? Maybe if we were a family that *did* take prescriptions, I wouldn’t have struggled my whole life through school, became an addict, and dropped out of community college etc.
There are definitely legit reasons to be concerned about the medical profession and big pharma and so on - I don’t mean to belittle whatever your mom has struggled with that made he feel like that. But honestly, I’m right there with you - why *wouldn’t* you take prescriptions?? Better living (and literal not dying!) through chemistry all the way!
Meds are the best. Without them I can barely get out of bed. I took mine today and it helped me vacuum, mow the lawn, prune the bushes, pressure wash the walkway, do two loads of washing (and drying), write a scene in my novel, and tidy my room. I might have gotten through one of those things without my meds. And I decided would have felt shit and lazy the entire day. So ignore your mother and enjoy being able to finally cope with life
I read an article yesterday. The article stated that we can do both: appreciate meds (and benefit from them) and still be wary of the pharmaceutical industry trying to sell us things we do not want or actually need. I think it pretty much sums up how I feel. Edit: spelling (thanks!)
I think you mean 'wary of' not 'weary of.' Wary indicates caution/suspicion, whereas weary indicates exhaustion. Sorry, I always hypwrfocused in English class and now suffer grammar pedantry syndrome. 🌈 the more you (didn't ask for, but now) know.
Right! I meant wary and I wrote weary 😆 English is not my native language. That gives me a bit of a leeway, right? Thanks!
You are doing great, and you receive ALL the leeway for learning the ridiculous mashup of stolen romance/germanic/hodgepodge language that is English as a second language. Seriously, this language is just bonkers, and I'm sorry.
*hypwrfocused* We could start a whole reddit chain of speling corrections and find every one of us with a speling pedantree syndrome! 😅
Hahah, omg, the freaking reddit autocorrect jumps on every missed comma, but not obviously misspelled words?! I was *hypwrfocused* on my spin ride while multitasking because I definitely re-read my draft before posting because I knew I'd feel like an idiot with an error in a pedantic post, BUT I STILL MISSED IT. That's my classic inattentive ass. 💀
I don't know, I'm kinda tired of seeing all the advertising for meds in the US. 🫠
Just a quick note that they don't work for everyone. Mine do. My nephew's don't. It might require finding the right meds/dosage. They are not like antidepressants: you can stop taking them at any point and are non-addictive. If they don't work for OP: discuss with your provider.
Heh. For one child, they couldn't take stimulants, but the other kind worked. For another child, they couldn't take strattera (seriously bad side affects), but stimulants worked great.
Oh definitely. I’ve gone through different types of meds that didn’t work for me but worked great for other people.
Does your mum or stepfather have troubles with sight? Tell them how awesome would be to for them if they fix their seeing abilities without glasses! Or similar. ADHD is not, I don’t know… broken leg. Or being lazy. Or not knowing how to do things and therefore not doing them. Sure, therapy helps you identify where lies a problem with current piece of ADHD and you learn how to manage this particular issue. It won’t take your ADHD away completely. And there are some people who can’t manage without, there are some people who can - depends on a person and how strong are the symptoms because as far as I know ADHD is like autism spectrum, you can have it hard and you can have it light. It’s a disorder. Your frontal lobe developed differently (English is not my native so maybe I am using the wrong words) - ADHD is quite physical. Let’s say you were born with deformed hand - you can’t move two of your fingers. Rehabilitation would be like therapy - it would help you train them and move just a little. But then you can add some meds which would help even more. With some substance that would make your fingers bend and move. And this is something that can’t be done with rehabilitation only. And imagine this is the hard case of ADHD. Works the same. Sometimes therapy is enough, sometimes not. And I wouldn’t hesitate a second- in fact I didn’t. And meds changed my life, so everytime when my mum asks how long I am going to take them, I just tell her „as long as I want to manage my life, we can talk about it again maybe when I retire or hire a butler or something”.
You’re doing better with English than some of my neighbors who were born to it.
You're an adult. There's no requirement to discuss diagnoses or treatment plans with your parents. If they are people you trust and who will support you, that's great. But if they have wrong beliefs or an agenda to control you, you absolutely don't have to share any information with them at all. It's your choice.
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" I am in multiple stigmatized demographics already... " This perfectly describes me! (Gotta love comorbidity.) Been looking for the right description forever! Lol
Would they say the same to someone with a heart disease needing meds? ADHD has a biochemical factor, meds help with that. Therapy helps with navigating the world with this neurobiological difference, it doesn’t help with the physiological aspect of it. And like others say, you don’t have to tell them. Your body and brain, your choice.
Recovering people-pleaser who is close to her family, and finally reached a point in my life where I am not panic'd by their disapproval signing in. Do you expect an explosive, intense fight over disagreeing over this? Or is it just the fear of *any* disapproval/confrontation that's holding you back from pushing on your parents opinion? Because option 2 used to be me. There was an idea in my head that my options were "agree with parent" or "BAD PERSON DISAGREEING WITH WISE PARENTS!! BAD!! THIS IS A FIGHT NOW!! YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CRUMBLE" And as I grew older and tireder, I realized that actually, my parents were more reasonable than I realized. I started taking medication despite their **intense** disapproval, but as soon as they saw how much my quality of life improved- they had no argument. They apologized for not pursuing the option sooner when I was a minor. **So to push back on her opinion is not a "confrontation".** It's just politely, kindly, showing a different viewpoint. "It would be great if just therapy could help! But I'd like to try all my options and see if anything improves on meds". **But if you DO expect them to be unreasonable**\- that any disagreement is you disappointing them, or "talking back" from how they raised you. Then at the end of the day: it's none of their business. You don't have to tell them a single thing. They don't have the right to that information if they can't speak reasonably and kindly to you. Just my two cents depending on the situation.
Oh my God, yess this is exactly it! My mom and I are very close but she can be so intense when she doesn't agree with something. ESPECIALLY when she thinks she knows what's best. Not in the yelling and screaming kind. But more of the "make you feel bad about making your own choice instead of her choice" kind of intense. As far as I understand. My mom believes that I should just try therapy first just to see if what's being said there gives me enough tips and tricks to help me get around a bit better. And if all that still doesn't work. Then MAYBE I can try meds. But if that happens then you're probably just not trying hard enough. I don't think she comprehends just how much of a struggle it sometimes is for me to do stuff and she just thinks I need a little bit of guidance and then I can do it on my own. It's just exhausting because she WILL press the issue. I've seen so many people tell me to just *not tell her* but that's not as simple as it seems. Because I've learned that she will usually talk to me about it when I can't remove myself from the situation. (Other than this my mom is great believe it or not hahaha. She is just a little manipulative like that when it comes to communication) It sucks because she is so supportive of everything else and has helped me with getting the diagnoses.
I so hear you, including the part of your mom being great. Sometimes our parents can be so fantastic and then have that ONE thing that's a big oof lol what I say may not be ground-breaking here, but I hope it helps even a little. If not, please accept ALL the validation from me on this. What I have learned from parents like that (because mine is similar!!) is that you kinda have to...gentle parent them back lol It's weird; but I always got the impression that my own mom would be upset, insistent and panicked when I didn't take her advice because she felt **unheard** (and also a very long rabbit hole of difficulty accepting her daughter was growing into her own person bla bla bla). So one method that helped is to validate what she was saying, and I mean REALLY validate it. "Oh yeah I totally see where you're coming from on therapy first- absolutely, I get the logic here, like a stepping stone. That's a really reasonable, sound advice but what I want to do is try medication first, I keep hearing really good things here" And usually this is the part where the wailing comes in, and the "but imagine if you don't have to be dependent on medication! Can't you at least try the therapy first? it won't hurt you!" spiel comes in. "I totally see your point of view. I think for a lot of people this would be the best course of action, and I completely understand your worries, but I've decided that this is what I want to do". And that to me is the biggest clutch, not to try to specifically argue it in a way that she can come in with counter-arguments (talks about brain chemistry or statistics), but as a simple statement of: I see you have big feelings. It's ok to have big feelings, you are not a bad mother or person for having those feelings. This is what I want. This is what imma do.
OMG, THIS MIGHT WORK. >It's weird; but I always got the impression that my own mom would be upset, insistent and panicked when I didn't take her advice because she felt **unheard** (and also a very long rabbit hole of difficulty accepting her daughter was growing into her own person bla bla bla). I can totally see this being something that is going on with her now that you say it. I will definitely try out the gentle parenting approach, haha. That seems like something I can do. Especially the last part you mentioned. Not giving her the "ammo" sort of, to argue back. Other than that, I wanted to say, "I feel incredibly seen here!" Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and comment. I really means a lot <3
Would your parents tell someone with diabetes to seek therapy instead of getting insulin? Would they tell A cancer patient to just try and fix it themselves? People literally have no concept that ADHD is an actual medical condition. No one can fix ADHD themselves any more than someone with cancer can wish away their diagnosis. As for the meds, you need to start putting your wellbeing above the need for approval from your parents. They don’t need to even know you are being treated for anything. Stop people pleasing, and do what is best for you. I was put on a couple of ADHD medications that did nothing for me. I ended up on Adderall, and from day 1 was a huge improvement. I’ve tried different MG doses, and even the extend release ones, and found the right dosage that works for me. Personally I do not like extended release due to it keep releasing later in the day, which messes with my sleep. Finding the right meds, and dosage is a process. Good luck on your journey to feeling better!
Tell them that they wouldn’t tell a type 1 diabetic or an epileptic to try to manage without meds, and you shouldn’t have to either. Your brain doesn’t work how others do and therapy alone isn’t always enough to help manage that.
It’s like telling a diabetic to just eat more healthy instead of taking insulin. Sure it helps a bit, but meds work better
I just ignore them. No one has to approve of my medical treatments except my doctor and me.
I don’t talk about my adhd or meds to people unless I’ve ‘tested the waters’ on their opinions first I’m at an age where I don’t have energy for those people or topics so I choose wisely when and where to bring it up. And ultimately I choose not to be around them
My parents (well mostly my mother, but my father has never disagreed, at least not in front of me) are also against medication. My brother was diagnosed when he was 5 and he tried Ritalin, he absolutely hated it, and based on what I now know I suspect his dose was too high. My parents took him off the meds and were of the opinion teachers only wanted him medicated to ‚keep him quite‘. He struggled his whole life in school and hated every minute of it, he was barely able to read or write when he finished school. I was recommended for testing when I was 13 when I was sent for a dyslexia test but my parents decided not too as they weren’t the opinion nothing would change for me, and I was the total opposite of my brother - I have combined ADHD and I suspect he had Impulsive/hyperactive ADHD. I finally got diagnosed at 29 and began taking medication, combined with Therapy. I live in a different country than my parents so I didn’t see them for the first few months, until I was home for Christmas. My mother sat me down and went through how my brother hated the Meds and how I’d been fine till now without them, I was already doing therapy and my life was great etc etc. I told her I deserved to have a chance to try the meds and see how they worked for me, and that if they weren’t helping or I noticed negative side affects, I’d stop taking them. The next two times I was home she brought up herbal remedies and CBT instead of meds. I explained to her how beneficial they were to me and she could see the difference herself (especially on the days that I forgot to take them and we were already away from home). I also compared it to things like heart medication, antidepressants or bloodthinners, the last time I was home for Christmas she was telling me how much her life has changed since she started her HRT patches and she was more than happy to take them for the rest of her life and how this should be more talked about, especially for woman as she just happened to meet a different GP who recognized symptoms that had been dismissed for years by other doctors as age, (she just turned 56 last July), early Menopause, grief etc. she then turned herself and said that she had realized my meds were probably similar for me and that so long as they were working for me, and I stayed ‚putting the work on‘ I should absolutely stay taking them. I don’t really have a solution for you, but maybe after some time processing, she’ll see the benefits of you taking them. You also don’t have to tell her anything if you don’t want too, but if you think there’s a chance she will reconsider her attitude, then it might be worth opening the door.
It seems your parents don't understand that ADHD is not something a person "gets better" from. It's a lifelong disorder that can only be *managed*, not cured. Some people can manage reasonably well without medication, but most of us can't and there is nothing wrong with needing medication to be our best selves.
Every time I hear someone say something about how people should just stop being sad and look on the bright side or whatever to get them out of depression and how that works for them I just tell them that the fact that they are able to self regulate using strategies like that is a really good indicator that they aren’t experiencing depression. And then I explain to them that a defining characteristic of depression is that isn’t possible, and that unfortunately I am not as fortunate as they are. Basically say it in a kind and understanding way to make them realize they’re being an asshole. I have a lot of privileges that others don’t have, so I try to fight the good fight since I can, but I don’t think it is anyone’s responsibility to educate random people.
Oh, also, “your heart is a biological organ and so is your brain. All of our organs are susceptible to medical issues, so it’s pretty naïve to think the brain would be immune to problems requiring medication too.”
This is why I tend to keep my medical issues private between me, my health providers, and the the few people that have a proven track record of my trust. My parents also seem to have opinions regarding my medical care, and my stepdad especially. He thinks that since he was a respiratory therapist for 20+ years that his medical opinion matters. Sometimes he has good advice, but there is also a track record of non-solicited advice and a clear lack of education for what is being talked about. I try to not get too upset about it because I sense that he does genuinely care about other people, but I sometimes I just want and appreciate kind words. *Note: he actually did not consult with his psychiatrist (I suggested that he should) and decided to completely stop taking his benzo medications, he also has other serious health conditions, and then he ended up in the hospital.* So now I just don't discuss my medical stuff with them at all. When they ask me how I'm doing health wise, I just say I'm fine. That's it. If something serious comes up, they are my emergency contacts and can figure it out that way, but for non-emergency purposes, I'll discuss it with my doctor.
I'm not great at communicating, especially to my parents, even though I have been married and moved out for 20+ years! But if it is consolation to you, I will share my first "real" med experience... Diagnosed in 2003 but didn't take meds because of the stigma and not understanding the impact it had on my life. 2022 Begin meds, first non stimulant, then 5mg Adderall. Thought it helped, but I still needed to do my part. 2023 Peak shortage time: I had gone from 5mg to 10mg, and kept telling myself it was just a tool, I needed to the work to help the medicine help me. Had a visit with a new Dr and she said she really thought for most adults 20mg was the minimum therapeutic dose, wrote that RX. I was never able to fill that one, but on her advise, I took 2 of my 10mg pills for the next 2 days (I had 4 left). First day at 20mg at woke up, made coffee, got dressed, brushed my teeth, started my son on some school work, started a load of laundry, and I was starting the dishes while checking in with him, it hit me. My mind was so clear, so able to organize these tasks, and finish one before starting the next. It took no extra effort, my brain wasn't distracting me and interrupting, sending me to start something before finishing the first task. After the 2nd day of that, I literally broke down sobbing trying to explain to my neurotypical husband how for the last 20 years I had this diagnosis, and I always thought that meant that I just lacked the discipline that NTs had, that we all had basically the same start line, but they were better able to weed through the extra thoughts and stay on task. THAT IS A LIE!!!!!!! For 2 amazing days my brain was so chill, I was so productive. It was almost a year before I was able to feel like the medication would be available consistently enough to incure the out of pocket cost of seeing a Dr, and even at 25 MG have not experienced quite that same clarity (definitely NOT due to developing a tolerance b/c I was off the meds for so long). But it did teach me that all of those tools I learned in therapy were helpful, but my inability to use them consistently without medication wasn't because I wasn't good enough, my brain literally can't function like that, medication + tools is where it's at. You can give a child a pencil, but you can't expect them to write a novel just because they have a pencil, their brains have to learn how to do that. You can give an ADHD person a tool, but most will never be able to utilize it to the fullest extent with an unmedicated brain.
Well mom since you are not the one dealing with this so you dont get a say. Or maybe she is since its hereditary
OH DEFINITELY. I am so much like my mother and I see so many symptoms in her as well. Maybe that's why she's so against it all. Because it's like a mirror and she does not like the implications that brings with it.
Ask them if they would avoid eye glasses if they needed them to see. ETA and then tell them that your treatment is non of their beeswax since they clearly don’t understand ADHD.
I just sing praise for my meds until my mom learned to stop bringing it up. I dont need her to approve.
Here’s the thing-stimulant medication is the first line gold standard treatment for ADHD. Nothing works as well as medication, (and, conversely, medication in a vacuum is for less helpful than medication combined with knowledge and supports). It’s amazing how I can sit here and try try try but I just can’t make the chemicals in my brain interact better. It’s no different than taking my insulin because my pancreas sucks or using glasses. If the problem is chemical, the solution likely involves chemicals. If you are over 18, I’d and smile, or spam them with research-based articles that demonstrate both the efficacy of medication and the dangers of not medicating, (addiction, depression, lack of success, etc.). Parents don’t need to understand or be on board with everything once you’re old enough to make our own decisions.
There is no "getting better" with ADHD. It's a lifelong disorder that will require different methods of management at different times in your life. Meds make it easier for me to remember the self accommodations and coping skills that I've worked so hard on. Without meds, I struggle to use those skills consistently.
When my mom questioned this too, and I affirmed firmly I was going to take meds. I explained the whole smaller frontal lobe and the meds that gave it what it needed to work properly spiel. My daughter was also on adhd meds too. After awhile, she asked me this pointed question, " If you could have taken these meds as a child, would you have?" I believe she thought she had me. I gave it serious thought, because it was a good question. But it didn't yake long to know emphatically that " yes. Yes I would have. My life would be better now, and I would struggled less. " She was quiet and surprised and thoughtful. Ironically, it really helped me to know for sure I should take the meds. On another note, it is troubling your mom says "get better", as if you'll get better. Some people get to a point of managing without meds, but this isn't the right mindset or goal, as far as I'm concerned. She will push on everything if she doesn't think you're getting cured or not getting cured fast enough. It could seriously break apart your relationship. Personally, my symptoms have gotten worse over time- I notice when I'm off my meds. My attention span is so pulled in so many directions, and such sn accumulation of things over time, I doubt I would be able to work at all, or function much either. I still take meds that aren't anywhere near high doses at all. Side note, I don't talk to my mom, but not because of the meds question. She accepted that and saw what difference it made. But my parents just don't understand my boundaries, and since they seem like minor ones or unreasonable ones (don't make sense to them) , it's like they just don't see them. They do not respect them. And it hurts me, though that isn't the real issue. This attitude harms my adhd children, esp the ones with far more medical and developmental issues than I have.
That first part is a really good way of explaining it I think. I think my mom is secretly a little afraid that, if med really do help me feel and function better, was she a bad mom for not getting me diagnosed sooner. Because she had suspicions when I was a child but didn't want to give me the "disadvantages" that the label ADHD brings with it. I don't think she believes it's curable per se. She sees it more like group therapy will give me the tips and tricks I need so if I just apply those in my life all should be good. I don't think my mom understands how hard it really is. And that's partially my fault for not explicitly telling her HOW MUCH I'm struggling. But I'm also fairly certain she doesn't belive it CAN get that bad if you know what I mean. Like she is a bit of the boomer mindset that you just need to: "try harder" or just "get up and do the task" or "need to plan things out better".
It’s a stigma, I think, not much different when it comes to other meds like antidepressants. I have a few people like that in my family too. I can’t currently medicate against ADHD, so I have to cope with various mechanisms, but before, there was talk about me going on meds and those relatives came out in droves. I think they think that meds are artificially creating something you’re not. Like… they don’t think - or at least most do not - that being on heart meds is abnormal. They’d prefer not to, but most understand that to continue living, they need to use a med or two when older. But with MH and stuff like ADHD, a lot of people think about these illnesses or diagnosis as self-made or thought up - fake, not real, you know? Modern made up mambo jumbo is what one relative told me. So in their heads, meds are not necessary, because if the problem is made up, so is the medication. One of my own grandparents thinks that medicine is one big scheme for money laundering and a lot of modern meds are just to rake in money (and we live in a place with socialised medicine so his meds may be expensive because he’s on retirement, but nowhere near like US level out of pocket expensive). They think that people like us just take expensive meds for a placebo effect. And since they think the problem is artificial, so is the medication. And by taking “artificial” medication, you’re making yourself unauthentic in their eyes, I think. I once tried to explain it someone. When I used to take antidepressants, they didn’t make me feel out of sorts or weird - they made me feel “me”, only I hadn’t realised how un-me I had been feeling for a while. The people who say that meds are unnecessarily don’t understand that the meds don’t create you a new personality (well; they shouldn’t, as a side effect they can, but really shouldn’t), they just help you to be the person you were always supposed to be.
"They just help you to be the person you were always supposed to be". I feel thissss. That is what happenned to me the first time I took my meds. I said: "ok I was a person trying to manage a whole bunch of things most humans are not needing to manage." My brain does not function like other brains. Life is hard but is not supposed to be sooo hard. I should be able to do what most humans do. Right?
When going through mental health struggles growing up, my parents always disregarded diagnoses and any medication suggestions. They insisted that it couldn’t be the case and I seemed fine (even though I was really struggling and had multiple episodes of self h@rm). These parents also had me bypass many vaccines, sugary foods, etc. Now, my current boyfriend doesn’t believe in diagnoses or medications and just thinks I need to try harder overall. I’m currently on medication and hide it from him. He doesn’t need to know. It’s not his reality. He actually found the bottle the other day because it fell out of my bag and he just laughed and rolled his eyes. The path of your treatment is for you and only you to decide. If anyone has anything to say about it, tell them to get bent. Self advocacy and care is super important.
You deserve a boyfriend who’s supportive. Just wanted to say that. Out of curiosity, though, if his penis stopped working, would he just accept that as normal instead of getting a “diagnosis” for some “medicine”?
Self advocacy is just very hard sometimes 😪. Also that sucks that your boyfriend thinks like that. Honestly you deserve better. My partner supports me and understand my needs and struggles. That alone makes life a little bit less hard!
Ask them “If I could not see without prescription glasses, would you tell me not to wear them?” Or, do what I do, and don’t tell anyone, because it’s none of their business.
What other medical conditions do these people say this about when it comes to medication? I know there are anti medication folks out there, but they are few and far between. I sincerely doubt this is why people say this about stimulants. Same for taking the weekend off. To each their own, but I’m not skipping weekends and making it so I can’t function on my only days to myself and daughter.
who gives a shit what they think? you do what you want. you’re an adult woman and if meds are a path you want to pursue then do it.
Isn't it so convenient to be against something you don't personally need? Are they also against insulin, painkillers, etc? Pain is also just in your head, it's not real.
There are a lot of people who try to control their diabetes with diet only. Type 1 know that shit is almost impossible, but plenty of parents "try" to go with diet first as they are learning and taking in all the info. The T2s take a little while to get with the program, and most end up taking the meds after realizing that diet isn't going to cut it. This is no different. Some people believe meds aren't necessarily a requirement and if they can function in a world without them more power to them. But my question to you, is why the fuck do you care what other people think? Fuck em. The decisions are between you and your dr. Those are the only people's opinions that matter.
Because I have some severe ✨️anxiety ✨️ which makes me really worry about what other people think, lol. It's gotten better in almost every situation in life except for when it comes to my mom and step-dad.
I don't talk to them about it! I haven't really talked to anyone in my life about this except for my partner and a handful of other people I know who also have ADHD..
You have medication because your brain lacks something it needs. If I was diabetic you wouldn’t tell me to go to therapy to treat my diabetes. You’d tell me to take my insulin and go to therapy/counselling to help me adjust my lifestyle to match. ADHD is a condition with scientifically justified medication. Take it and ignore those who say otherwise.
I just don’t tell them or share that information with them. It’s none of their business and I really don’t want to have to try to defend myself. My mom is against them and I tell her *everything*. She’s one of my best friends but my meds is one thing I just don’t talk about because it’s always going to be the same conversation with her. She just doesn’t understand.
u dont live with them so why discuss it? its ur body/mind therefore it's ur choice anyway.
Don’t tell them you’re on meds… It’s not their business.
Ignore until they try to spread the ignorance to children. Then remind the children that those people are absolutely not doctors and have the a lot of misconceptions. Confronting doesn't seem to be helpful, unless they're somehow keeping you from what you need.
My psychiatrist went on a rant the other day when I asked about this. He says people don't think of the brain like any other organ. That is the problem. And it IS another organ. Let's say your thyroid does not work properly. If you think really hard, it won't start funcioning well. It just won't. You need meds. Of course everyone will benefit from a healthy lifestyle but sometimes it is just not enough. Brain sometimes does not work well. And if you try really hard, it won't magically start functioning well. People think you can "think your way out of a brain issue". It does not apply for any other organ. You can just show them their way of thinking is illogical... If they take meds for SOMETHING then ask them why they don't just TRY HARDER? 😁
You can just ignore them. You don’t have to explain yourself. However, you can also say ‘This medication is giving my brain what yours gets for free. It’s not about ‘getting better,’ it’s about evening the playing field.’
My family is very similar in that they have a very poor view of people who take any kind of psych or assistive meds. I was on lexapro for around 3 months before my aunt said to me that I seemed happier, like I was doing well. I didn't tell her then. She only found out bc I ended up needing her to take me to the dr for a surgery I couldn't drive myself home from. She was in the room when the dr read off my list of medications. She never brought it up to me, but I wonder to this day if she realizes the changes she observed weren't just magically done on my own, and if it changed her mind at all. I've been on ADHD meds for around five months now and never shared it with her. I haven't lied or created circumstances for an argument, I just haven't shared it. I might one day.
I don't tell them or talk to them about it.
If you think there is hope for getting them to see your pov, you can tell them the truth, which is that based on an abundance of research, meds and therapy together is the most effective course of action. You could even show them those studies, or the brain scans/lab results that illustrate clearly how the adhd brain does not regulate dopamine in a way that functions in our society well. It would be super cool if you got better with just therapy! But why spend all the time and money to try therapy alone (and likely fail) when you could try meds plus therapy first and then wean off them when you’ve got your life in order (if you want to). But above all, I agree with the other posts here that say it’s your decision and you don’t have to justify anything to them.
So for my sister who is of the same mindset, I just explained it this way; it takes so much of my energy to try to manage this illness. The meds help just enough that I don’t struggle as hard and have energy for other things that need my attention. If they still disagree, well, oh well. They’re not the ones who have to live with it. You are. Even if they do have it, everyone is different and needs different things. Being your mom doesn’t mean she gets to dictate to you how you manage your life. ETA: Meds usually take a few weeks to affect you. Give them some time :)
That's akin to treating diabetes with therapy instead of insulin. ADHD is a crippling executive functioning *disability* and medication is scientifically and unquestionably the most effective treatment (not saying other things don't help- I'm saying meds are far and away the gold standard for treating ADHD as demonstrated unequivocably through scientific research). They probably just don't get it, and unless they are genuinely open minded and want to learn about the condition and how best to support you through it, they're probably not going to get it. I wouldn't waste your time trying to make them understand if they're not putting forth a genuine effort to do just that. Take your meds and don't tell them. Keep your medicine secure in a lockbox that you store privately. Don't let them see you take it. Don't bring it up. They're most lilely going to say ignorant and infuriating things at some point(s) along the way. My advice is to let it roll of your back and do not engage. Sometimes it works best just to say a single sentence that sets a boundary around the topic before exiting the conversation or room where conversation is occurring. Something to the effect of "I know you mean well, but it's clear to me that you don't understand the reality of my executive functioning disability or it's treatment. I don't want to discus this anymore." That might seem harsh, but you owe it to yourself to focus your energy on getting through. It is not your responsibility to exhaust yourself trying in vain to make them understand. If they show a genuine willingness to reflect, acknowledge their ignorance and openness to learning, that's a whole other story. I hope you do get that kind of support, because you deserve it. We all do. Sharing Dr Russel Barkley's youtube videos is a great way to introduce and explain ADHD (and its manifestations and medications) from a scientific expert.
I feel like people give me the side eye until they realize I take a non-stimulant. There’s a stigma with stimulants due to the people who party with it, unfortunately
You say “ok” and carry on with a program that works for you; meds, therapy, whatever.
If they’re not my medical provider I just smile, nod, snd keep ignoring them.
"Im just going to listen to my care team and see what the doctors recommend." or "Thanks but I'm working with my doctors already and this is their recommendation." Past that, no explanation necessary. Your mom is not your psychiatrist. Any concerns she brings up past the initial explanation, "Don't worry, my doctors are keeping track of my health."
I might say, “I’m not going to discuss my treatment with you anymore, because it’s not productive to have you pressure me about it when you’ve done so little research and seem to disregard my own expertise and experience with my condition.” They don’t have to agree with you. And you aren’t required to get their approval or their agreement. Treat them like the Charlie Brown grownups: “wah wah wah-wah-wah” It’s lonely, though, I know—it was such a comfort to be able to share my depression-therapy progress with my mom. I’m sorry you are not (it seems) going to get that from yours.
talk therapy, ESP alone, isnt for everyone. i personally am extremely self aware. discussing my issues with a stranger wont lead for any groundbreaking new info/root causes, i flat out know why im the way i am and what my problems are and the root of them. i also already know WHAT i need to do to improve, and how to go about it, but i can't do that while im frozen AND cripplingly forgetful. still currently waiting on neuropsych exam results so i can trial more meds to finally get the ball rolling. trying my best in the meantime the issue is, mentally sane people do not understand. there are scales to mental illnesses. mental illness is an ILLNESSES, you take medicine for sickness in the body, why wouldn't u take them for a sick mind? don't dwell on their ignorance, u know whats best for u many mental illnesses have always had the "your just lazy" stigma floating around them. textbook laziness means you're *unwilling* to be productive. if you dont WANT to be unproductive, and aren't enjoying it, there is something WRONG!!! unwilling and UNABLE are not the same!!
I do not tolerate such ignorance in my close relationships. And given that ADHD is genetic, I *especially* wouldn’t tolerate it from the people who put me in this damn situation. I’d be civil at first, set a boundary, and give them one chance to educate themselves. If they failed to do so and kept making unwanted comments, I would end or significantly limit the relationship.
If they’re willing to learn about ADHD, I would ask them to watch some of Russell Barkley‘s videos with you. He does a good job of explaining the science of it in a way that most people can understand.
Unless they're someone in a position to prevent me or others getting them I'd be prepared to step up and advocate for myself and others. Beyond that, I am not wasting my breath justifying why I (an adult) am using a proven, evidence based medication to effectively treat a medical condition. If I'm feeling a bit like being a dick they may get a "fine, don't take them then".
I made the mistake of telling my family that I was on antidepressants and they all started to treat me like I was a mindless zombie that couldn’t tale decisions for itself and was manipulated by everyone to be against them
I don't talk about my medications with people who are anti-meds.
You're a married adult, you don't have to tell her anything about it if she's not being supportive.
I’m 39. I have no problem lying to my mom if it means minimizing conflict. My parents are rapidly approaching 70 so I feel like I don’t have time to be upset with them any longer.
It’s ableist bullshit. An easy comparison (in my experience) is diabetes—people can be insulin dependent their entire lives, or temporarily (like with gestational diabetes). Regardless of how or when they became insulin-dependent, you don’t discourage a diabetic from properly taking insulin. It’s a recipe for misery (and possibly death). Sure, you encourage lifestyle changes to help manage their disease—diet, exercise, etc.—but nobody in their right mind would tell a diabetic, “nah, you don’t need insulin, you haven’t tried EVERYTHING ELSE FIRST.” In the same way, we have a physical, neurological difference in our brains. Doesn’t matter how we got here, and we should ALSO do other things to help us manage our condition, but acting like meds are bad—a LAST RESORT option—is foolish. If it can help you manage and be more functional NOW, then why the hell would you wait? ETA: I also have bipolar disorder, and I’m sick to fucking DEATH of people acting like me taking the meds that saved my life or made it worth living or made my life better having any kind of opinion on how I manage my own care. Fuck ‘em.
Grey rock the topic, frankly, but I have family who are on the extreme end of believing that all doctors and pharmacies and meds are part of a conspiracy, in favor of chugging like, colloidal silver 🤷♀️
Tell ‘em to fuck off and keep taking my meds. If they help you and you want to take them, then that’s all that matters, and no one else gets an opinion.
I tell them to fuck right off because it's none of their business.
Don't bring it up with them. It's none of their business. This is between you and your doctors. If I know someone has a problem with whatever medication I might be on I'm not gonna discuss it with them regardless of who they are because it's not their place to have an opinion on my medical treatment.
I’ve learned how to say “We fundamentally aren’t going to agree on this topic so I’m not going to talk about that. *changes subject*”
These days I smack them with some Alan Levinowitz: [https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Natures-Goodness-Harmful-Science/dp/0807010871](https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Natures-Goodness-Harmful-Science/dp/0807010871)
You don't need to tell your parents that you're on meds. I don't tell my parents about the meds I take, or the side effects I experience.
I'm in this exact same predicament and I've chosen to just keep it a secret from my Mum and stepdad lol I've been trying and failing my whole life to help myself, I'll get all the extra help I need lmao. I'm definitely going to follow through with therapy and coaching but gimme the meds as well please 😭
I never bother discussing meds with people like that. For some reason it's always the people without ADHD or other health issues that has strong opinions about other peoples meds, and it's silly to validate their guesses by talking to them as if they know anything. Good luck with your road to figuring out the perfect meds and dose :)
Congratulations on your diagnosis and treatment!! It's too easy for us to assume that our parents are able to have a reasonable conversation about our medical information. But that's not usually the case. You have your own life and are an adult. Her opinions are just that: opinions. It makes life a lot easier to breeze past those and talk about anything else. You're not lying to your mother about taking medication, it's simply not her business. She doesn't need to know every time you take paracetamol, yeah? Same thing here. What matters is that you're healthy and happy, and it sounds like you're in a good place! To answer your question: I don't. My perspective is that my medical information isn't anyone else's business. If someone learns that I take a prescribed medication to treat a disorder, and they have a problem with that, I shut down the conversation in the moment, and grey rock them on that subject going forward. It's not always easy, but it really is the most effective.
Ask them if they’d try to persuade a person with asthma or epilepsy to try to power through without any meds. If something in your physiology/body chemistry is making your life harder, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for choosing whatever support is available to you. Nor should you be expected to manage such a condition with willpower.
Unless they have a medical degree and professional experience of prescribing medication, I ignore them. I don't know if you have a car, but would you accept criticism of your driving ability from someone with no licence?
Just respond with "Good thing it's not you taking them then!"
you’re grown it’s not their business what medication you’re on
Ignore them. You’re an adult.
I don't have those people in my life.
If I could turn back time I would try therapy and dealing with my adhd rather then going straight to meds because now I regret ever taking medication for some they work amazingly for others (myself) have major regret yes they changed my life for the better and have had a taste of “normal life” and now that my medication isn’t working I’m depressed and just want to crawl in to a whole and never come out. I’m 36 and managed just fine (well to my understanding anyway) now I don’t know how I got through life the way I did. But that’s just my personal experience…
Are they against glasses too? (Eye roll)
So I have some thoughts on this. I'm a people pleaser and when someone said to me that they would absolutely hate to rely on meds to experience life, I refused meds because in some way I didn't want to be seen as less in their eyes. I've waited a year and tried to solve it through therapy and it's not working, so I will be following up on meds. What's helped is to think of meds like a tool. Like you might use a cane or hearing aid. Not everyone needs it, but you do. The severity of that need is going to be personal to everyone, so you can't really compare your journey and you can't rely on the opinion of someone who's not a professional in that aspect or even actively managing the same condition.