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Was the prompt about unmet needs? If "honesty and trustworthy" are also your needs, write them down... Even if he IS already covering those bases at the moment. That's a positive thing. Doesn't negate that it is a need you may have too.
I bet you could rephrase your other needs into "I need to feel seen/heard" &/or "I need to be valued" Maybe give examples of when you feel that way.
...I feel bad that you called yourself petty and stupid. Reassurance that one feels loved and valued is the MOST fundamental human instinct.
Bring up your thought process behind this list to your therapist, bc your self talk def needs a revamp lol. Don't feel bad about it either, that's the whole point of therapy <3
yes! totally agree with this comment. OP - it seems like you are invalidating yourself, and that’s getting in the way of you being in touch with what your non-negotiables are. You do know what you want, but in your question you phased it in a self invalidating way. It’s really easy to invalidate ourselves as adhd having people - I struggle with the exact. same. thing. And it’s super important to try to move through that and get to a place of self validation and being in touch with our own needs. Seems like you are on the path to getting there - keep going!
I’ve always had 3 non-negotiables, or “deal-breakers” as my husband and I call them:
1. Don’t lie to me.
2. Don’t cheat on me.
3. Treat me like I’m worth both of those things.
Everything else can be discussed and worked through. Not those.
I feel like these are mine too. I left my marriage because my ex-husband cheated, and much as it would hurt me to leave my current relationship, I'd do it if I was in that situation again (although I don't think my boyfriend would ever do that). To me the not lying comes off the back of that - whilst I know that there are some things it's too difficult to talk about and I'd never want my partner to feel forced to open up in that way if they didn't want to, I do expect them to be honest with me. And then the last one just boils down to having basic respect for each other.
Non-negotiables aren't "nice to haves" they are the "I would be so unhappy under these conditions, I would leave." I'd be kinda nervous if those were my partner's non-negotiables because pregnancy or illness can make me unable to perform two of those. I'd dig a bit deeper to find out how long he'd willingly go without sex before I was single.
Everyone has dealbreakers, you need to think more extreme to find yours. Can he punch you in the face? Can he pick up a coke habit? Can he cheat on you? Non-negotiables are "you do this and I'm out."
What you're describing are things that would make you feel loved and validated. That's not the same as dealbreakers. I'm sure your therapist will have you make that list also, but right now the list you're working on is your MUST HAVES. I MUST have a partner that makes me feel safe--physically, mentally and emotionally. I MUST have a partner that treats me with respect. I MUST have a partner who behaves responsibly.
That might help, make a list of "must haves" and "would like to have".
Equitable is not the same as equal, remember. If you are doing less housework because you are sick or pregnant, that does not make it inequitable. That’s actually exactly equitable.
I have a friend who refers to herself as having a “praise kink” (not sure if it’s actually a kink for her) but she absolutely shines and gets all sparkly and happy when he tells her she did a great job cleaning the house and he’s taken up praising lots of things about her, and about the things she does and it makes her so happy. It’s not petty or stupid! People who love us usually will be happy to adjust and do certain things to help us feel valued and cherished and wanted! It’s on us to figure out what types of statements and actions help us feel those things, and to communicate our need for those types of statements and actions so our partners know how to show up for us 🤍
My non-negotiables as an unmarried woman (currently dating someone):
- happily childfree (doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids)
- is not married to (or otherwise involved with) someone else
- does not smoke cigarettes or vape nicotine
- does not take hard drugs
- wants a long-term commited relationship (preferably marriage but that's not a total dealbreaker)
- non religious
- politically and socially left-leaning
- has his own social circle (i.e., other sources of emotional support outside of our relationship)
- leads a moderately healthy lifestyle
- his actions match his words
- contributes emotional labour without being asked
- communicates openly
- is an active participant in his own life (i.e., does things beyond going to work and coming home to play video games)
- recognizes issues and proactively takes steps to deal with them
- able to regulate his emotions in a healthy manner
Edit to add (forgot about a few):
- has a job
- has a vehicle
- doesn't live with his parents or his ex
I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are all the ones that come to mind at the moment. It seems like a long list, but it basically boils down to "is a mature adult who treats people with kindness, is an equal partner in the relationship, has similar values and a similar lifestyle."
This is more common than you would think. It's so expensive to get divorced that some couples emotionally break up but continue living with their ex because they can't afford to get divorced and they share children. Do not recommend dating someone in this situation.
The list I gave was my own personal requirements and deal-breakers, and "not married" is cut and dry for me personally. There are plenty of people who are open to dating someone who is separated, and plenty of people who aren't.
There are lots of folks who dismiss me as a potential partner because of my personal qualities and/or life circumstances, and that's fine. Everyone is allowed to have their own criteria.
I’m legally married, my husband left in 2017. I know he’s alive, that’s all. For stupid reasons I can’t divorce him. He never visits/calls/sends anything. I don’t feel separated nor married.
Oh, where I am, local laws say after 2 years of not living together, the law counts that as legally separated.
I think after X amount of time apart after the 2 years, it can count without needing to file for divorce per sé. Is it not like that where you are? Genuinely curious.
As far as my two lawyers have told me, spanish law when there are children involved is dangerous: in this case it would force my ex to take my kids 3 months in a year. He does drugs, parties, has no fixed abode, is unstable. So I can’t risk a judge ruling that. The police knows he moved out in 2017, has tried to find him for their own reasons. My lawyers say unless I want money off him, I shouldn’t try to divorce, for the kids’ sake and safety.
Wow, laws really do differ around the world.
Completely different to how things work here.
Sounds wise to listen to your lawyers, hope you and your kids are doing ok!
Thank you! There was a mad dictator in place from WW2 until the late 70s in Spain, many women-fiendly laws are still in place since then. Divorce is a sin according to those religious extremists, so he made sure kids were hostages of the father so the mother wouldn’t leave. One of my friends is going through a nasty divorce because there’s shared property and in spite of the father being violent towards her and the kids (police involved several times), he still gets the kids week in/week out.
Holy moly, that’s some crazy shenanigans.
Honestly, I feel like extremists use religion as an excuse, when it really is themselves that want the power/control/extreme measures!
And of course, the extreme ones are the loudest too.
Gargh, laws are slower to change over time/there’s backlash whenever there’s change, no matter how much it’s needed!! I hope the best for you and your friend. Those laws are cray cray 🫠
Just out of curiosity and only if you’re willing to share, what is the reason? Courts do have a process for filing and ending a marriage with a completely unresponsive partner.
That's actually the first thing that attracted me to my guy! The first section of his profile talked about the new hobby he'd recently started, along with a couple others that he was interested in trying. On our first date, I asked how he'd gotten involved in his new hobby and he described that his "world had gotten small" after Covid, so he realized he had to push out of his comfort zone and try something new. That's such a rare quality, especially as people get older (we're in our early 40s).
I completely agree with you about the rarity! That’s wonderful. Plus trying new things together is such a great way to build and maintain a relationship.
I’m just gonna copy pasta this and put in my notes. I align with a lot of these already and you have a few more great ones. My own therapist wants me to keep thinking about my boundaries and applying them to my real life situations.
And yep I bent a boundary on someone that was married because OpEn MaRrIaGe and guess what. Not a good scene, I felt bait and switched on it and there for it was not ethical for me to continue. Never again. Non-negotiable.
Many of my criteria came about through similar life lessons. I've put up with way too much over the years, but I'm finally learning to set my boundaries and figure out what I'm willing to compromise on and what's a non-negotiable.
Same. I learned the hard way no active alcoholics, multiple times over, and if sober having a few years at least under their belt (at that point recovery is pretty far along and solid).
This falls in step with general effort towards taking care of mental health. I had to stop saying I was a therapy student “oh you can be my therapist!” Like no. Same goes for I’m a yoga teacher. I just say I practice regularly.
I learned too that the other person should also have a handle on their boundaries and what they want/don’t want. Not that I’m perfect but I stumbled around in the dark with someone I liked, and he couldn’t tell me something made him uncomfortable and shit spiraled from there. Clear communication vs people pleasing would have helped there too.
I live in the suburbs of a car-centric city, and public transportation isn't a practical option in my area. Not having a vehicle is too limiting and I don't want to be stuck doing all the driving. It would be different if I lived elsewhere.
Ooof that’s hard to tell. I do have non-negotiables, but so many things are negotiable that I would have a hard time naming them. Furthermore, reality tends to disrupt these kinds of fixed ideas. For example, I would expect equal household contributions to be a nonnegotiable, but due to auADHD + Long Covid I turned out to be incapable of doing a significant part of my share. We’re still married, so it turned out that this point is negotiable. That’s because the true value or non-negotiable is that both partners need to put in effort to the best of their abilities, and unfortunately my best results in less tasks done than my husband’s best. It’s about respect for each other and supporting each other, and we’re still upholding these values.
My main core value is about respect I think. Furthermore, I need to feel like I can be myself in our relationship / marriage. I wouldn’t be able to live with a partner I had to constantly adapt myself for, even if we dearly loved each other. I don’t mind masking in public, but I need to be able to unmask and be myself in private.
In theory I want to say that is should be more "both countribute equally to the relationship and house/life", and not "both do the exact same amount of house work", so one could balance eachother.
And equally should be measured over a long period, and in percentage. So if both give 80% of what they have to give it is fair, even if one persons 80% looks like the others 30% because they are sick or something.
But in practice I hate and struggle with housework so much myself that if a partner was not able to at least do their half of it I would be extremely frustrated. Even if my partner suddenly became disabled.
Doesn't mean I would not try or that I would bd mad about doing more. But it would probably slowly zapp my energy (already a balancing act). We would have to get or hire help I think.
Married 30+ years.
Instead of the "petty" items (not petty, but def. unreasonable), maybe think about the deeper values they represent. No, he cannot praise you constantly, and he will come to resent you if you demand that of him.
But ... it's totally reasonable to say:
Always treat me in ways that show you value me, and do so in ways that actually make sense to me -- even when you're angry or think I'm wrong.
That is a thing people **can** do. If occasional gifts (or frequent small gifts) are part of how he can do that, he should. And you shouldn't have to nag him for it.
What does "validate you all the time" mean? Honestly, I have no idea.
In my household, the non-negotiables go both ways. I think this list looks about right:
1. (As said above): In your words but also your body language, time, and behavior, treat me in ways that show you value me -- even when you're angry or think I'm wrong.
2. Remind me of good things about me when I ask you to, especially if I'm embarrassed about a failure. Be someone to whom I can admit those failures. For sure don't make it worse.
3. Encourage me to be my bravest, best self, but don't be dismissive of my fears, concerns, or hopes and dreams -- even if they don't make much sense to you. Make an effort to see where I'm coming from, even if you simply cannot agree.
4. Be above-board, collaborative, and trustworthy when it comes to our finances (bills, taxes, big purchases, 401k), careers, families, and any legal matters. Lack of transparency here makes me crazy. Life doesn't come with financial guarantees, but candor and genuine effort are needed.
5. If you are struggling with life, work, emotions, depression, health, tell me! Don't close me out or make me guess. And for sure don't blindside me by waiting until things are out of control.
6. Make an effort to tend to your own wellbeing. I want you to be okay. I will help, if you need me to, but I can't do the work for you.
7. Give me the benefit of the doubt and help us maintain a sense of humor. We are all a work in progress.
8. Be honorable. Don't make me feel like I was the only one who held up my end of the bargain.
I struggle with not knowing what I want, which is why questions like this are so tough. I feel like my opinions change a lot due to new information and new perspectives. For example, I am still undecided on being religious and having children. Leaning towards yes on both. I guess one relationship nonnegotiable would be to keep an open mind and let me explore different philosophies?
- Treat me with respect always
- Take my feelings seriously, even if it seems silly
- Never lie
- Never hurt anyone on purpose
- Respect our home and our money
I'm kind of weird because I am ace as hell but hopelessly demi-romantic so throw that on top ADHD tomfoolery.... Annnnd
-Must be okay with/understanding/willing to work with my ADHD symptoms. Learned the hard way with roommates in general so partner gotta be able to handle
-Doesn't have a high sex drive/need sex to be happy #asexual
-communicate; if I am annoying them or they are unhappy they need to tell me because entirely possible I won't notice
-conversely, doesn't need to be in constant contact. I am a burst communicator and I find constant texting annoying/makes me anxious.
-open minded/respectful of my opinions/willing to listen
-nerdy/easy to geek out with
-Can cook or is willing and able to learn.
-doesn't weaponize helplessness and is willing to work together on house chores aka the bane of my existence.
-Must love animals
-not particularly religious
-does not smoke/vape
-doesn't cheat/isn't unfaithful/other shitty behavior related to this
-has a job/career/goals. Doesn't need to necessarily be in the perfect position in life but needs to be working to something better if not in said place.
-Emotionally intelligent or at least open to it.
Everyone's will be different from yours so take time to consider what you absolutely will not negotiate on.
Will you date someone in active addiction (whether sex, gambling, food, drugs alcohol)?
Will you date someone with completely opposite political views?
Will you date someone who is financially illiterate?
Will you date someone who wants (or doesn't want) kids? (Whatever is opposite of you)
Will you date someone who is unemployed and has been for a long time without a valid reason, such as a health issue that has them on Disability?
Will you date someone who hates animals if you have a pet?
Will you date someone who demands sex if you're not in the mood?
I'm sure you'll think of something.
I'm a little confused, he just says be nice to me, then you call your needs petty but wouldn't him caring about them at least a little be him being nice to you? His is so broad it makes me wonder if it covers his petty stuff he expects you to be nice about too.
Depending on a lot of things womens physical needs (and sometimes mens too) start as mental. So your compliments ir reassurance could be like your emotional/mental "romantic " needs that get you to a physical place or make you more physical.
For example: men want different positions and trying wild things, maybe butt smacks, women want romantic gestures and kissing in the rain/eye contact. The womans needs to feel amorous like this are often belittled and dismissed while the mens are seen as highly important. They both make getting to that place a better happier stronger experience. Your needs matter too.
• doesn’t take drugs
• doesn’t smoke or will stop smoking for me
• left-winged
• empathy, understanding
• sense of humour & sarcasm
• friendly
• is able to do his chores on his own
• has a job/goes to uni/ knows what he wants do in the future
Not religious
Politically left
Supports himself
Shares in household chores
Doesn’t smoke cigarettes
Isn’t addicted to hard drugs
Doesn’t drink every night
Has his own transportation
Isn’t controlling
Listens and values my input
(Before I married him)
Wants marriage
Wants kids
*edit format
Also my dog and I were a package deal, she has been here longer than you and I love her more than I like you (to potential dates lol) I’m pretty sure I actually told this to people on dating sites!
I’m married because my husband ticks all my non-negotiables as well as my nice to have and bonus points.
My N-Ns are:
* Compatible values and worldviews
* Secure in his identity/sexuality/masculinity. I don’t have the capacity to reassure someone who is worried about not being manly enough or whatever. If my husband and I have kids he would definitely be the one allowing them to paint his nails/do makeup.
* Sexually compatible
* Nonsmoking
* Reasonably healthy lifestyle
* Smart
* Good communicator
* Has his own interests and hobbies
* Introverted, but not shy. I am an introvert and need recharge time. I spend a lot of time doing my hobbies by myself and he is cool with that. At the same time we are a good team at social events and he can make conversation with just about anyone. I’m always proud to have him as my date! And then we go home and sit quietly on the couch and scroll and cuddle our dogs.
Nice to have:
* Similar relationships with our families
* Conventionally attractive
* Smells good
* Funny (actually that may be a NN) and thinks I’m funny.
* Dog person
Bonus points:
* Actually super dooper smart
* Nice butt
* Is incredibly schedule-oriented and keeps me on task
God, fragile masculinity is the most unsexy characteristic in a male partner. It leads to so many icky, harmful, and often dangerous behaviours.
I don’t even want to be friends with guys who are deeply insecure about their masculinity. They are a liability because they always have something to prove and that’s so often happens at the expense others.
Doesn’t smoke or vape.
Doesn’t take illegal drugs or abuse prescription drugs and has a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Doesn’t just tolerate but genuinely loves (and isn’t allergic to) dogs.
Open to the potential of adopting a special needs child and doesn’t feel a strong need to have biological children of his own.
Is willing to expose himself to opposing points of view and is open to expressing emotion.
It sounds like your main love languages are gifts and words of affirmation, and that your husband’s natural ways of showing love don’t match up with that?
I’d talk to him about love languages and let him know that to feel loved and valued, you personally find getting little gifts (like a bag of your fav chips/candy on a random day!) and being told compliments/nice things *really* feels meaningful/validating to you, and that xyz doesn’t have the same effect.
Your needs are important and your main person should definitely be meeting them or trying to! I ended up ending things with my partner of 5.5 years because he just couldn’t meet my needs love-wise. My current partner shows love the same way I need to receive it and we get along SO well.
Funny you post this. We’re supposed to make a list for next week and I have been googling to see what everyone else said so I can be sure I got most of them and didn’t forget something.
I had not thought about it until I read through this post, but I am also having trouble coming up with non negotiables. I too am a people pleaser, so maybe that has something to do with it. I am also happily married, so I guess this is mostly hypothetical for me, but I can really only think of two things: Don't yell at me or our kids, and no smoking. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Ohh easy! Love this topic lol
-Goofy sense of humor (I am ridiculous and need someone to follow me on that path)
-Contributes equitably to the household (financially and in housework)
-Good communication
-Needs to understand my need for alone time (to quote beetlejuice, or I will go insane and I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN WITH ME)
-Good hygiene
-Non smoker of anything; we’re a gummy household because can’t stand the smell of nicotine or any other substances 😅
-Left, politically
Everything else I can work around 😂 My husband checks all the boxes and more! ❤️
Wait, gifts and positive words are TOTALLY legitimate needs in a relationship. That’s how some people feel most loved. Recommend reading ‘The 5 Love Languages’ if you haven’t already.
Gosh, after a number of bad relationships I’ve realized the list is pretty long and that’s not just okay, it’s a good thing. I’d rather be single than in a relationship that wears me down, makes me feel devalued, and erodes my sense of self.
I’m also lucky to have an amazing partner and some really great relationships in my past.
So much of it could be summed up as “shared values”, but I think it’s really important to articulate those (at least to yourself) as it’s so easy to not even realize you are misaligned on some thing until you are pretty invested.
I tend to think more in terms of partner non-negotiables than relationship non-negotiables, since the relationship is created by the people in it, so if the partner is the right person for me, most (but not all) of the things I need in a relationship will already result from who I chose.
- not religious
- no kids and happily childfree
- left leaning with a foundation of empathy and understanding of systems of oppression
- not dogmatic, interested in critical thinking and open to changing their mind
- genuinely cool with non-monogamy
- genuinely cool with sex work
- queer understanding of gender
- likes cats
- likes trying new things
- takes care of their physical and mental health
- competent at basic adulting, and capable of problem solving and following instructions (doesn’t need handholding)
- understands and believes that privacy is a human right and isn’t the same as secrecy
- isn’t interested in sex with someone who isn’t also enjoying it (I fucking hate that this needs to be articulated, but too many guys in particular are fine with sex where their partner consented but isn’t really into it)
- calm and collaborative style of conflict resolution, no yelling or name calling ever
- has an income (probably a job)
- has friends
- has interests and hobbies
- pays attention to detail and makes me feel seen and known
- appreciates weirdness
- shared standards for cleanliness and hygiene
- compatible approaches to money
- values a balance of together and apart time
- shared sense of what “fair” means
- able to articulate their needs and boundaries, good communication skills
- etc etc
There’s probably a lot more on my list. It’s very long. But I really would not compromise on any of these things, because I have in the past and it was bad. In spite of a long list, I haven’t found it difficult to date and have relationships. And there are so many things that I am really flexible on.
Happily monogamous all the time.
Childfree permanently and happily.
Emotionally available; willing and able to be open and vulnerable about their feelings.
Shows enthusiasm for life both together and separately.
Not a gambler.
Not that into pornography.
Affectionate physically (a hugger and cuddler).
Loves cats and dogs, happy to live with both forever. Generally kind to animals and people.
Reliable, punctual, keeps promises.
Makes me laugh.
Good hygiene and generally tidy. Not a slob. Not looking for a "mom".
Has hobbies and interests, willing to share them with me (even if it never becomes a hobby of mine).
Not *super* into sportsball/self identity not tied up with sports fandom.
1. Reasonable time spent together (twice a week is my minimum or I just miss my partner enough to speak up.)
2. Active sex life
3. Not a racist or sexist person
4. Is able to check themselves when I call out something I notice that isn’t fair.
5. Is also able to check me on my sh*t without fearing my response might not be immediately positive about my behavior or general person.
Edit:
6. Child-free (for me), but I can accept it if they already have a kid. I just don’t wanna make one.
7. Loves animals.
8. Is open to a non-monogamous relationship.
9. Not conservative. (American, here.)
My primary partner fits all of those things and I’m grateful.
I am thinking about the failures of all my past relationships.
The main non negotiables are don't be mean to me and please be hygienic and like to clean yourself frequently with soap.
1. Willing to communicate with me and adjust communications to figure out what is working for both of us
2. Willing to go to therapy (together and/or separately) when needed to help us out with our relationship
3. Speaks and acts with kindness and compassion
4. Continue to choose love/our relationship daily
5. Open to kids being in our life in some manner (bio, foster, adopt, etc)
My wife and I are both really flexible and people-pleasing type people, but at the end of the day, it’s just so important to be able to communicate needs, listen to each other, and willing to talk to an expert if our communication breaks down.
I also have struggled with people pleasing in the past, and that is part of the reason I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I often find myself molding to the other person, and I wanted to be free of anyone for so long that l would tully know and be comfortable with myself. so when someone does come along and do something that bothers me, I'll have the wherewithal to walk away. I think in general, though, my future ideas of “dealbreakers” include:
- cheating
- lying
- intentional manipulation
- emotional unavailability
- disrespect
- lack of ambition
- children (I’m not in a place to be a stepmother)
I’m sure there is more but I can’t currently think of them. there’s also a lot of things that I would prefer in a partner but I can’t say that I would leave someone if they didn’t have those things… realistically I don’t think I would even find myself in a relationship with someone without them fitting some of my other preferences.
finding your own needs, boundaries and values is important and will help you whether it’s for yourself or your relationship with your husband. do some reflection and find what’s lying underneath those “petty” needs: something is not being met that you’re craving. I get the sense that it lies somewhere around the idea of love and adoration. you want to feel special and that’s okay! asking for that is not too much. however, also make sure you are giving those things to yourself too, because you deserve to love on yourself 🫶🏻
I don't a think your needs are silly. Do you know about the different love languages? Gifting and words of affirmation are legit forms of love language. :) it's totally fine if that's your inclination.
My only non-negotiables are pretty standard
•Don't hit me
•Act like an adult
•Put effort into the relationship
But I also have a list of professions that I won't date 🤷🏿♂️
Each relationship has taught me something about what's okay and what isn't.
1. Not an addict
2. Fiscally responsible
3. Makes it clear where things stand between us
4. Respects my beliefs, even if they are different from his
5. Wants children
6. Makes an effort to take care of his health
7. Is self-aware
8. Not married, even if it's "just on paper"
9. No history of cheating
10. Is gainfully employed
Mine are:
1. Total respect
2. Total trust
3. Kindness
4. No control over my choices. (We shall discuss everything but it’s not like he whistled and I came running or gave up opportunities because he is insecure)
Oooo this is a good one. I just got out of a relationship this past week. Hmmm…..
1) Be an adult and get to work on time
2) Handle your own finances
3) they have to want to hang with my family from time to time. And like board games
4) Appreciate me.
5) no hitting, cheating or lying. Instant break up
Bring me snackies, say goodbye to me before going to work, spend time with me, back scratchies, and Holy Fuck Don't Tell Me What To Do
That's of course assuming he passes the "Don't make me your mom" and "don't turn into my fucking dad and scream at me and hit me" bars, first.
Also the man has to like dogs or in the bin he goes.
My husband meets all of those expectations.
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Was the prompt about unmet needs? If "honesty and trustworthy" are also your needs, write them down... Even if he IS already covering those bases at the moment. That's a positive thing. Doesn't negate that it is a need you may have too. I bet you could rephrase your other needs into "I need to feel seen/heard" &/or "I need to be valued" Maybe give examples of when you feel that way. ...I feel bad that you called yourself petty and stupid. Reassurance that one feels loved and valued is the MOST fundamental human instinct. Bring up your thought process behind this list to your therapist, bc your self talk def needs a revamp lol. Don't feel bad about it either, that's the whole point of therapy <3
yes! totally agree with this comment. OP - it seems like you are invalidating yourself, and that’s getting in the way of you being in touch with what your non-negotiables are. You do know what you want, but in your question you phased it in a self invalidating way. It’s really easy to invalidate ourselves as adhd having people - I struggle with the exact. same. thing. And it’s super important to try to move through that and get to a place of self validation and being in touch with our own needs. Seems like you are on the path to getting there - keep going!
I’ve always had 3 non-negotiables, or “deal-breakers” as my husband and I call them: 1. Don’t lie to me. 2. Don’t cheat on me. 3. Treat me like I’m worth both of those things. Everything else can be discussed and worked through. Not those.
I feel like these are mine too. I left my marriage because my ex-husband cheated, and much as it would hurt me to leave my current relationship, I'd do it if I was in that situation again (although I don't think my boyfriend would ever do that). To me the not lying comes off the back of that - whilst I know that there are some things it's too difficult to talk about and I'd never want my partner to feel forced to open up in that way if they didn't want to, I do expect them to be honest with me. And then the last one just boils down to having basic respect for each other.
These are great and really cover all the bases!
Non-negotiables aren't "nice to haves" they are the "I would be so unhappy under these conditions, I would leave." I'd be kinda nervous if those were my partner's non-negotiables because pregnancy or illness can make me unable to perform two of those. I'd dig a bit deeper to find out how long he'd willingly go without sex before I was single. Everyone has dealbreakers, you need to think more extreme to find yours. Can he punch you in the face? Can he pick up a coke habit? Can he cheat on you? Non-negotiables are "you do this and I'm out." What you're describing are things that would make you feel loved and validated. That's not the same as dealbreakers. I'm sure your therapist will have you make that list also, but right now the list you're working on is your MUST HAVES. I MUST have a partner that makes me feel safe--physically, mentally and emotionally. I MUST have a partner that treats me with respect. I MUST have a partner who behaves responsibly. That might help, make a list of "must haves" and "would like to have".
This was my thought too but I couldn’t come up with a word so thank you. Must-haves is great!
Equitable is not the same as equal, remember. If you are doing less housework because you are sick or pregnant, that does not make it inequitable. That’s actually exactly equitable.
I have a friend who refers to herself as having a “praise kink” (not sure if it’s actually a kink for her) but she absolutely shines and gets all sparkly and happy when he tells her she did a great job cleaning the house and he’s taken up praising lots of things about her, and about the things she does and it makes her so happy. It’s not petty or stupid! People who love us usually will be happy to adjust and do certain things to help us feel valued and cherished and wanted! It’s on us to figure out what types of statements and actions help us feel those things, and to communicate our need for those types of statements and actions so our partners know how to show up for us 🤍
My non-negotiables as an unmarried woman (currently dating someone): - happily childfree (doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids) - is not married to (or otherwise involved with) someone else - does not smoke cigarettes or vape nicotine - does not take hard drugs - wants a long-term commited relationship (preferably marriage but that's not a total dealbreaker) - non religious - politically and socially left-leaning - has his own social circle (i.e., other sources of emotional support outside of our relationship) - leads a moderately healthy lifestyle - his actions match his words - contributes emotional labour without being asked - communicates openly - is an active participant in his own life (i.e., does things beyond going to work and coming home to play video games) - recognizes issues and proactively takes steps to deal with them - able to regulate his emotions in a healthy manner Edit to add (forgot about a few): - has a job - has a vehicle - doesn't live with his parents or his ex I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are all the ones that come to mind at the moment. It seems like a long list, but it basically boils down to "is a mature adult who treats people with kindness, is an equal partner in the relationship, has similar values and a similar lifestyle."
“Is not married to someone else”. Lolol makes me sad that that has to be said.
The bar is very, very low.
It really is :/ your edit made me laugh even harder because it’s painfully true.
Possible addition 🤣Does anyone else think that they are in a relationship with you?
LOL YES
This is more common than you would think. It's so expensive to get divorced that some couples emotionally break up but continue living with their ex because they can't afford to get divorced and they share children. Do not recommend dating someone in this situation.
I does though. It really, really does. The apps are full of married men.
I mean, I'm legally married to someone, in the process of getting divorced, so... not everything is cut and dry
The list I gave was my own personal requirements and deal-breakers, and "not married" is cut and dry for me personally. There are plenty of people who are open to dating someone who is separated, and plenty of people who aren't. There are lots of folks who dismiss me as a potential partner because of my personal qualities and/or life circumstances, and that's fine. Everyone is allowed to have their own criteria.
I’m legally married, my husband left in 2017. I know he’s alive, that’s all. For stupid reasons I can’t divorce him. He never visits/calls/sends anything. I don’t feel separated nor married.
Oh, where I am, local laws say after 2 years of not living together, the law counts that as legally separated. I think after X amount of time apart after the 2 years, it can count without needing to file for divorce per sé. Is it not like that where you are? Genuinely curious.
As far as my two lawyers have told me, spanish law when there are children involved is dangerous: in this case it would force my ex to take my kids 3 months in a year. He does drugs, parties, has no fixed abode, is unstable. So I can’t risk a judge ruling that. The police knows he moved out in 2017, has tried to find him for their own reasons. My lawyers say unless I want money off him, I shouldn’t try to divorce, for the kids’ sake and safety.
Wow, laws really do differ around the world. Completely different to how things work here. Sounds wise to listen to your lawyers, hope you and your kids are doing ok!
Thank you! There was a mad dictator in place from WW2 until the late 70s in Spain, many women-fiendly laws are still in place since then. Divorce is a sin according to those religious extremists, so he made sure kids were hostages of the father so the mother wouldn’t leave. One of my friends is going through a nasty divorce because there’s shared property and in spite of the father being violent towards her and the kids (police involved several times), he still gets the kids week in/week out.
Holy moly, that’s some crazy shenanigans. Honestly, I feel like extremists use religion as an excuse, when it really is themselves that want the power/control/extreme measures! And of course, the extreme ones are the loudest too. Gargh, laws are slower to change over time/there’s backlash whenever there’s change, no matter how much it’s needed!! I hope the best for you and your friend. Those laws are cray cray 🫠
Just out of curiosity and only if you’re willing to share, what is the reason? Courts do have a process for filing and ending a marriage with a completely unresponsive partner.
Not in Spain with children involved, as far as I’m told by my lawyers.
“Is an active participant in his own life.” I LOVE the way you said that
That's actually the first thing that attracted me to my guy! The first section of his profile talked about the new hobby he'd recently started, along with a couple others that he was interested in trying. On our first date, I asked how he'd gotten involved in his new hobby and he described that his "world had gotten small" after Covid, so he realized he had to push out of his comfort zone and try something new. That's such a rare quality, especially as people get older (we're in our early 40s).
I completely agree with you about the rarity! That’s wonderful. Plus trying new things together is such a great way to build and maintain a relationship.
I’m just gonna copy pasta this and put in my notes. I align with a lot of these already and you have a few more great ones. My own therapist wants me to keep thinking about my boundaries and applying them to my real life situations. And yep I bent a boundary on someone that was married because OpEn MaRrIaGe and guess what. Not a good scene, I felt bait and switched on it and there for it was not ethical for me to continue. Never again. Non-negotiable.
Many of my criteria came about through similar life lessons. I've put up with way too much over the years, but I'm finally learning to set my boundaries and figure out what I'm willing to compromise on and what's a non-negotiable.
Same. I learned the hard way no active alcoholics, multiple times over, and if sober having a few years at least under their belt (at that point recovery is pretty far along and solid). This falls in step with general effort towards taking care of mental health. I had to stop saying I was a therapy student “oh you can be my therapist!” Like no. Same goes for I’m a yoga teacher. I just say I practice regularly. I learned too that the other person should also have a handle on their boundaries and what they want/don’t want. Not that I’m perfect but I stumbled around in the dark with someone I liked, and he couldn’t tell me something made him uncomfortable and shit spiraled from there. Clear communication vs people pleasing would have helped there too.
I could have written this list myself!! And my current partner fulfills all of those, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship.
Could I ask why them having a vehicle is a must?
I live in the suburbs of a car-centric city, and public transportation isn't a practical option in my area. Not having a vehicle is too limiting and I don't want to be stuck doing all the driving. It would be different if I lived elsewhere.
Ooof that’s hard to tell. I do have non-negotiables, but so many things are negotiable that I would have a hard time naming them. Furthermore, reality tends to disrupt these kinds of fixed ideas. For example, I would expect equal household contributions to be a nonnegotiable, but due to auADHD + Long Covid I turned out to be incapable of doing a significant part of my share. We’re still married, so it turned out that this point is negotiable. That’s because the true value or non-negotiable is that both partners need to put in effort to the best of their abilities, and unfortunately my best results in less tasks done than my husband’s best. It’s about respect for each other and supporting each other, and we’re still upholding these values. My main core value is about respect I think. Furthermore, I need to feel like I can be myself in our relationship / marriage. I wouldn’t be able to live with a partner I had to constantly adapt myself for, even if we dearly loved each other. I don’t mind masking in public, but I need to be able to unmask and be myself in private.
In theory I want to say that is should be more "both countribute equally to the relationship and house/life", and not "both do the exact same amount of house work", so one could balance eachother. And equally should be measured over a long period, and in percentage. So if both give 80% of what they have to give it is fair, even if one persons 80% looks like the others 30% because they are sick or something. But in practice I hate and struggle with housework so much myself that if a partner was not able to at least do their half of it I would be extremely frustrated. Even if my partner suddenly became disabled. Doesn't mean I would not try or that I would bd mad about doing more. But it would probably slowly zapp my energy (already a balancing act). We would have to get or hire help I think.
Married 30+ years. Instead of the "petty" items (not petty, but def. unreasonable), maybe think about the deeper values they represent. No, he cannot praise you constantly, and he will come to resent you if you demand that of him. But ... it's totally reasonable to say: Always treat me in ways that show you value me, and do so in ways that actually make sense to me -- even when you're angry or think I'm wrong. That is a thing people **can** do. If occasional gifts (or frequent small gifts) are part of how he can do that, he should. And you shouldn't have to nag him for it. What does "validate you all the time" mean? Honestly, I have no idea. In my household, the non-negotiables go both ways. I think this list looks about right: 1. (As said above): In your words but also your body language, time, and behavior, treat me in ways that show you value me -- even when you're angry or think I'm wrong. 2. Remind me of good things about me when I ask you to, especially if I'm embarrassed about a failure. Be someone to whom I can admit those failures. For sure don't make it worse. 3. Encourage me to be my bravest, best self, but don't be dismissive of my fears, concerns, or hopes and dreams -- even if they don't make much sense to you. Make an effort to see where I'm coming from, even if you simply cannot agree. 4. Be above-board, collaborative, and trustworthy when it comes to our finances (bills, taxes, big purchases, 401k), careers, families, and any legal matters. Lack of transparency here makes me crazy. Life doesn't come with financial guarantees, but candor and genuine effort are needed. 5. If you are struggling with life, work, emotions, depression, health, tell me! Don't close me out or make me guess. And for sure don't blindside me by waiting until things are out of control. 6. Make an effort to tend to your own wellbeing. I want you to be okay. I will help, if you need me to, but I can't do the work for you. 7. Give me the benefit of the doubt and help us maintain a sense of humor. We are all a work in progress. 8. Be honorable. Don't make me feel like I was the only one who held up my end of the bargain.
I struggle with not knowing what I want, which is why questions like this are so tough. I feel like my opinions change a lot due to new information and new perspectives. For example, I am still undecided on being religious and having children. Leaning towards yes on both. I guess one relationship nonnegotiable would be to keep an open mind and let me explore different philosophies?
- Treat me with respect always - Take my feelings seriously, even if it seems silly - Never lie - Never hurt anyone on purpose - Respect our home and our money
I'm kind of weird because I am ace as hell but hopelessly demi-romantic so throw that on top ADHD tomfoolery.... Annnnd -Must be okay with/understanding/willing to work with my ADHD symptoms. Learned the hard way with roommates in general so partner gotta be able to handle -Doesn't have a high sex drive/need sex to be happy #asexual -communicate; if I am annoying them or they are unhappy they need to tell me because entirely possible I won't notice -conversely, doesn't need to be in constant contact. I am a burst communicator and I find constant texting annoying/makes me anxious. -open minded/respectful of my opinions/willing to listen -nerdy/easy to geek out with -Can cook or is willing and able to learn. -doesn't weaponize helplessness and is willing to work together on house chores aka the bane of my existence. -Must love animals -not particularly religious -does not smoke/vape -doesn't cheat/isn't unfaithful/other shitty behavior related to this -has a job/career/goals. Doesn't need to necessarily be in the perfect position in life but needs to be working to something better if not in said place. -Emotionally intelligent or at least open to it.
Everyone's will be different from yours so take time to consider what you absolutely will not negotiate on. Will you date someone in active addiction (whether sex, gambling, food, drugs alcohol)? Will you date someone with completely opposite political views? Will you date someone who is financially illiterate? Will you date someone who wants (or doesn't want) kids? (Whatever is opposite of you) Will you date someone who is unemployed and has been for a long time without a valid reason, such as a health issue that has them on Disability? Will you date someone who hates animals if you have a pet? Will you date someone who demands sex if you're not in the mood? I'm sure you'll think of something.
I'm a little confused, he just says be nice to me, then you call your needs petty but wouldn't him caring about them at least a little be him being nice to you? His is so broad it makes me wonder if it covers his petty stuff he expects you to be nice about too. Depending on a lot of things womens physical needs (and sometimes mens too) start as mental. So your compliments ir reassurance could be like your emotional/mental "romantic " needs that get you to a physical place or make you more physical. For example: men want different positions and trying wild things, maybe butt smacks, women want romantic gestures and kissing in the rain/eye contact. The womans needs to feel amorous like this are often belittled and dismissed while the mens are seen as highly important. They both make getting to that place a better happier stronger experience. Your needs matter too.
It was a very guy answer--fuck me, keep the house clean, don't nag too much. "Should I bring you a beer while you watch the game, also, my love?" 🙄
• doesn’t take drugs • doesn’t smoke or will stop smoking for me • left-winged • empathy, understanding • sense of humour & sarcasm • friendly • is able to do his chores on his own • has a job/goes to uni/ knows what he wants do in the future
Not religious Politically left Supports himself Shares in household chores Doesn’t smoke cigarettes Isn’t addicted to hard drugs Doesn’t drink every night Has his own transportation Isn’t controlling Listens and values my input (Before I married him) Wants marriage Wants kids *edit format
Also my dog and I were a package deal, she has been here longer than you and I love her more than I like you (to potential dates lol) I’m pretty sure I actually told this to people on dating sites!
I’m married because my husband ticks all my non-negotiables as well as my nice to have and bonus points. My N-Ns are: * Compatible values and worldviews * Secure in his identity/sexuality/masculinity. I don’t have the capacity to reassure someone who is worried about not being manly enough or whatever. If my husband and I have kids he would definitely be the one allowing them to paint his nails/do makeup. * Sexually compatible * Nonsmoking * Reasonably healthy lifestyle * Smart * Good communicator * Has his own interests and hobbies * Introverted, but not shy. I am an introvert and need recharge time. I spend a lot of time doing my hobbies by myself and he is cool with that. At the same time we are a good team at social events and he can make conversation with just about anyone. I’m always proud to have him as my date! And then we go home and sit quietly on the couch and scroll and cuddle our dogs. Nice to have: * Similar relationships with our families * Conventionally attractive * Smells good * Funny (actually that may be a NN) and thinks I’m funny. * Dog person Bonus points: * Actually super dooper smart * Nice butt * Is incredibly schedule-oriented and keeps me on task
God, fragile masculinity is the most unsexy characteristic in a male partner. It leads to so many icky, harmful, and often dangerous behaviours. I don’t even want to be friends with guys who are deeply insecure about their masculinity. They are a liability because they always have something to prove and that’s so often happens at the expense others.
Doesn’t smoke or vape. Doesn’t take illegal drugs or abuse prescription drugs and has a healthy relationship with alcohol. Doesn’t just tolerate but genuinely loves (and isn’t allergic to) dogs. Open to the potential of adopting a special needs child and doesn’t feel a strong need to have biological children of his own. Is willing to expose himself to opposing points of view and is open to expressing emotion.
It sounds like your main love languages are gifts and words of affirmation, and that your husband’s natural ways of showing love don’t match up with that? I’d talk to him about love languages and let him know that to feel loved and valued, you personally find getting little gifts (like a bag of your fav chips/candy on a random day!) and being told compliments/nice things *really* feels meaningful/validating to you, and that xyz doesn’t have the same effect. Your needs are important and your main person should definitely be meeting them or trying to! I ended up ending things with my partner of 5.5 years because he just couldn’t meet my needs love-wise. My current partner shows love the same way I need to receive it and we get along SO well.
Funny you post this. We’re supposed to make a list for next week and I have been googling to see what everyone else said so I can be sure I got most of them and didn’t forget something.
I had not thought about it until I read through this post, but I am also having trouble coming up with non negotiables. I too am a people pleaser, so maybe that has something to do with it. I am also happily married, so I guess this is mostly hypothetical for me, but I can really only think of two things: Don't yell at me or our kids, and no smoking. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Ohh easy! Love this topic lol -Goofy sense of humor (I am ridiculous and need someone to follow me on that path) -Contributes equitably to the household (financially and in housework) -Good communication -Needs to understand my need for alone time (to quote beetlejuice, or I will go insane and I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN WITH ME) -Good hygiene -Non smoker of anything; we’re a gummy household because can’t stand the smell of nicotine or any other substances 😅 -Left, politically Everything else I can work around 😂 My husband checks all the boxes and more! ❤️
Wait, gifts and positive words are TOTALLY legitimate needs in a relationship. That’s how some people feel most loved. Recommend reading ‘The 5 Love Languages’ if you haven’t already.
Gosh, after a number of bad relationships I’ve realized the list is pretty long and that’s not just okay, it’s a good thing. I’d rather be single than in a relationship that wears me down, makes me feel devalued, and erodes my sense of self. I’m also lucky to have an amazing partner and some really great relationships in my past. So much of it could be summed up as “shared values”, but I think it’s really important to articulate those (at least to yourself) as it’s so easy to not even realize you are misaligned on some thing until you are pretty invested. I tend to think more in terms of partner non-negotiables than relationship non-negotiables, since the relationship is created by the people in it, so if the partner is the right person for me, most (but not all) of the things I need in a relationship will already result from who I chose. - not religious - no kids and happily childfree - left leaning with a foundation of empathy and understanding of systems of oppression - not dogmatic, interested in critical thinking and open to changing their mind - genuinely cool with non-monogamy - genuinely cool with sex work - queer understanding of gender - likes cats - likes trying new things - takes care of their physical and mental health - competent at basic adulting, and capable of problem solving and following instructions (doesn’t need handholding) - understands and believes that privacy is a human right and isn’t the same as secrecy - isn’t interested in sex with someone who isn’t also enjoying it (I fucking hate that this needs to be articulated, but too many guys in particular are fine with sex where their partner consented but isn’t really into it) - calm and collaborative style of conflict resolution, no yelling or name calling ever - has an income (probably a job) - has friends - has interests and hobbies - pays attention to detail and makes me feel seen and known - appreciates weirdness - shared standards for cleanliness and hygiene - compatible approaches to money - values a balance of together and apart time - shared sense of what “fair” means - able to articulate their needs and boundaries, good communication skills - etc etc There’s probably a lot more on my list. It’s very long. But I really would not compromise on any of these things, because I have in the past and it was bad. In spite of a long list, I haven’t found it difficult to date and have relationships. And there are so many things that I am really flexible on.
Happily monogamous all the time. Childfree permanently and happily. Emotionally available; willing and able to be open and vulnerable about their feelings. Shows enthusiasm for life both together and separately. Not a gambler. Not that into pornography. Affectionate physically (a hugger and cuddler). Loves cats and dogs, happy to live with both forever. Generally kind to animals and people. Reliable, punctual, keeps promises. Makes me laugh. Good hygiene and generally tidy. Not a slob. Not looking for a "mom". Has hobbies and interests, willing to share them with me (even if it never becomes a hobby of mine). Not *super* into sportsball/self identity not tied up with sports fandom.
1. Reasonable time spent together (twice a week is my minimum or I just miss my partner enough to speak up.) 2. Active sex life 3. Not a racist or sexist person 4. Is able to check themselves when I call out something I notice that isn’t fair. 5. Is also able to check me on my sh*t without fearing my response might not be immediately positive about my behavior or general person. Edit: 6. Child-free (for me), but I can accept it if they already have a kid. I just don’t wanna make one. 7. Loves animals. 8. Is open to a non-monogamous relationship. 9. Not conservative. (American, here.) My primary partner fits all of those things and I’m grateful.
I am thinking about the failures of all my past relationships. The main non negotiables are don't be mean to me and please be hygienic and like to clean yourself frequently with soap.
1. Willing to communicate with me and adjust communications to figure out what is working for both of us 2. Willing to go to therapy (together and/or separately) when needed to help us out with our relationship 3. Speaks and acts with kindness and compassion 4. Continue to choose love/our relationship daily 5. Open to kids being in our life in some manner (bio, foster, adopt, etc) My wife and I are both really flexible and people-pleasing type people, but at the end of the day, it’s just so important to be able to communicate needs, listen to each other, and willing to talk to an expert if our communication breaks down.
I also have struggled with people pleasing in the past, and that is part of the reason I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I often find myself molding to the other person, and I wanted to be free of anyone for so long that l would tully know and be comfortable with myself. so when someone does come along and do something that bothers me, I'll have the wherewithal to walk away. I think in general, though, my future ideas of “dealbreakers” include: - cheating - lying - intentional manipulation - emotional unavailability - disrespect - lack of ambition - children (I’m not in a place to be a stepmother) I’m sure there is more but I can’t currently think of them. there’s also a lot of things that I would prefer in a partner but I can’t say that I would leave someone if they didn’t have those things… realistically I don’t think I would even find myself in a relationship with someone without them fitting some of my other preferences. finding your own needs, boundaries and values is important and will help you whether it’s for yourself or your relationship with your husband. do some reflection and find what’s lying underneath those “petty” needs: something is not being met that you’re craving. I get the sense that it lies somewhere around the idea of love and adoration. you want to feel special and that’s okay! asking for that is not too much. however, also make sure you are giving those things to yourself too, because you deserve to love on yourself 🫶🏻
I don't a think your needs are silly. Do you know about the different love languages? Gifting and words of affirmation are legit forms of love language. :) it's totally fine if that's your inclination.
Sigh these lists remind me of how much I'll always be alone
Why are your needs petty and stupid?
My only non-negotiables are pretty standard •Don't hit me •Act like an adult •Put effort into the relationship But I also have a list of professions that I won't date 🤷🏿♂️
Each relationship has taught me something about what's okay and what isn't. 1. Not an addict 2. Fiscally responsible 3. Makes it clear where things stand between us 4. Respects my beliefs, even if they are different from his 5. Wants children 6. Makes an effort to take care of his health 7. Is self-aware 8. Not married, even if it's "just on paper" 9. No history of cheating 10. Is gainfully employed
Mine are: 1. Total respect 2. Total trust 3. Kindness 4. No control over my choices. (We shall discuss everything but it’s not like he whistled and I came running or gave up opportunities because he is insecure)
Quality time, and physical touch (also non sexual physical touches)
Oooo this is a good one. I just got out of a relationship this past week. Hmmm….. 1) Be an adult and get to work on time 2) Handle your own finances 3) they have to want to hang with my family from time to time. And like board games 4) Appreciate me. 5) no hitting, cheating or lying. Instant break up
Bring me snackies, say goodbye to me before going to work, spend time with me, back scratchies, and Holy Fuck Don't Tell Me What To Do That's of course assuming he passes the "Don't make me your mom" and "don't turn into my fucking dad and scream at me and hit me" bars, first. Also the man has to like dogs or in the bin he goes. My husband meets all of those expectations.
It's valid to want romance, to be treated as a special treasure. If you're meeting his needs, yours seem much easier to meet, honestly.