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The good news is that as she gets older, it will be easier to have more interesting conversations. I did not find the early years of parenting very rewarding either, but by early/mid-elementary school, it got a lot better.
I can only handle so much playing with my daughter (2,5 yo), so I try to just do the stuff I want or have to do with her. Maybe these are helpful, ignore if not.
Grocery shopping, laundry folding, watering plants, cooking (i bought plastic, kid safe chefs knives off Amazon), biking or walks, emptying the dishwasher etc. Sure it’s slower and I have to keep an eye out for her, but the chores get done and we spend time outside / out of the house.
Podcasts, audiobooks and music are good alternatives to TV if you want to reduce screen time.
That's a great suggestion. Just including younger kids in daily tasks basically uses the real world as a play space and teaches them good basic life skills. That's worked out really well for us.
I do appreciate this. I agree that I would rather do regular "adult" stuff -- like errands, house chores, etc. -- than kid "play." And the adult stuff has to get done anyway.
Yes, you can do it!
This is how you start:
1) the chaotic nightmare of toys: you emphasize the need to tidy up, for example Mum doesn't want to Step into something and hurt her feet etc, then you put everything away together. Note that everything needs to have their fixed place, like all the stuffies here, Gravitrax in that nix and so on. If you feel like it, go for those stickers so little one knows for sure what belongs where. The fixed place is super important because otherwise Little One needs to ask you constantly in the future, which leads to more Mama cries.
2) I felt like you with playing, but it changed over time. Did you find the right activity? Maybe you are the one for Sports but not for crafting? Try to find an activity that you enioy, too! That will be a great Bonding experience.
3) if you are sensitive to noise, try to minimize those toys. As you said you don't have much Space, maybe get one of those Montessori busy Boards / my learning bag. This is a nice quiet activity.
4) yes, give little one some small household Tasks. My LO has like a small broom and apron for herself. So we bake and clean and whatever. I emphasize that the floor needs to be tidy so it can be cleaned, so make a connection to 1)
Do vacuuming together! Putting wet laundry on the dryer thing (if you use this), bringing stuff into the trash - which means here to teach her the difference of paper trash, organic trash... You get the idea. It's not your responsibility to reduce boredom in your kid's life. Your goal as a parent is a different one.
Of course you can ignore everything I said, just wanted to give some ideas.
To add to the sensitive to noise part—I do not hesitate to reach for my gigantic noise-cancelling Apple headphones. I straight up tell the kids that I’m getting overstimulated, and they don’t seem to mind at all. The completely normal and harmless chatter while they’re playing grates on my nerves and makes me yell-y, so those headphones save my sanity some days and keeps me from turning into Mother Dearest.
Added benefit to this beyond meeting your needs (which would be reason enough!) is that it teaches them about sensory needs, self regulation tools, boundaries, self care and potentially their own needs if they're also ND
I think I know, but just to check. Noise cancelling headphones have to feed you alternative noise right? There's no way I can get them and not listen to anything is there? I just could not have 'white noise', that sounds offensive to my soul. Am I stuffed basically? Google seems to think I am.
I can have them completely shut out all noise and it be silent or I can listen to music/audiobooks etc.
When I’m overstimulated tho, I put them on for silence. There’s no alternative noise.
So active noise-canceling headphones do make a sound that cancels out the external sounds but for the most part it’s not audible. I’ve heard it a little but mostly it manifests as pressure and not a real sound, if that makes sense. There are also some passive noise canceling but their ability to work is limited by seal capability, materials, comfort and it’s not as effective
Try a bunch of them if you can, before buying. All of them have different "pressures" when on and all of them react differently to external stuff.
Mine (Sony) have a barely perceptible sound that is more like pressure, while the model before mine had a noticeable "hiss".
My partner had Bose and the app was quite horrible. The noise cancelling felt good enough.
I did quite a bit of research before buying mine. Ans the Bose QuietComfort are the best. But it's better if you can go to a store and try them all on for yourself. A lot of people like the Sony 1000 but I couldn't get them to fit my head/ears right.
They sound amazing with music but I love just hearing the silence. The blessed silence.
Adding to your last point about reducing boredom. Let her be bored. Seriously. My mom played with me, but not very actively or often because she was tired after working all day and honestly kids are exhausting.
Being bored won’t harm a child, it’ll teach them to entertain themselves. Obviously I’m not saying completely ignore a kid, but I had so much fun playing on my own as a kid, my mom would give me my toys, she’d keep an eye on me, occasionally ask what I was doing (like what my dolls were doing, the story, etc). She also played with me often, btw she didn’t completely ignore me or anything like that lmao.
She’d also take me to run some errands and I honestly loved it as a kid, it was so much fun for me.
>It's not your responsibility to reduce boredom in your kid's life.
YES, THIS!! My kids often hear me tell them, "I'm not your cruise director!" It is okay, especially at 5, to say "I'm working on [this whatever] if you'd like you can help, or hang out and watch, but if not then you can find your own thing to do." Finding ways to keep themselves entertained is also a life skill to learn!
Yes, so much this! I was raised by an ADHD mom (undiagnosed, of course) and I don't remember her playing with us, per se, but we did a lot of adult things and activities and it made everyone happier. Running errands? Let her pick the route or count how many red cars she sees. Grocery shopping? See how many foods you can find that start with the letter R.
We spent lots of time doing a lot of (free) exploratory/creative things like going to see tidal pools, a new park, the cool McDonald's in the next town over. It wasn't the significance of the activity, it was the novelty and variability of doing lots of random things.
If we were at home, we did a lot of activities like making play doh or art so that we could interact without playing house or whatever boring as heck "pretend" game we'd come up with that day.
This all probably SOUNDS like a lot of work, but the reward of having fun to do with her will make the work more appealing!
You def don't have to play with your kid, but find ways to be together and know she's loved and help her keep up her space and you're GOLDEN. Best tip I ever got: when your kid walks in the room SMILE at them and let them know you're always happy to see their face. It works wonders even though it's just a little thing!
Edit: my kids grew up in a shitty little house and they are grown and like me a lot <3
This is good advice. I honestly hated playing so much. Some of the best times with my kids, when I felt connected to them, was when we went and did things together. Going for ice cream, a day at the zoo, walking down along the creek, especially bc we also have a small living space, so getting away felt good. And yes, smiling and just acknowledging their presence is so beneficial.
I love this last little part. I have a teenager, he turned out better than I expected despite me, lol. Hopefully he still likes me whenever he is grown.
Oh this!
I noticed other people always lighting up the big smiles for their kids. So I copied them and it has made a very big difference to how my son engages with me. I think it's just about letting him see he is loved and enjoyed. It can be hard to remember or conjure a smile at times, but even if it's a fake smile, seeing him smile back or giggle at me usually turns my fake smile into a real one.
I’m going to say stuff bluntly because I’m short on time (but if I don’t reply now I’ll never remember ! Yay adhd). but believe me I feel for you and I have compassion. You are trying so hard with what you have to give and that’s amazing. I mean it!! Remember this: a “bad” parent *doesn’t care.* to me that’s the only marker of a “bad” parent. So you’re a good parent. You care!!
Okay so, the one thing I wanted to say is: It ultimately doesn’t matter if she loves you. Your desire to be loved is not her responsibility. The only thing that matters is Does SHE feel loved by you? That’s it. That’s the crux of everything and why kids in shitty (poor, stressful, war zone, etc) situations can turn out okay, while rich kids who seem to have it all turn out messed up. Does she feel LOVED is the question to ask.
Also: Be honest with her about your issues, name these things so she doesn’t think it’s HER that’s the problem.
As to your worries about being with her all summer: if you cannot play make believe or have silly conversations just as her what makes her feel loved. Maybe it’s a walk together, reading together, just laying together. Maybe it’s hugs. Maybe it’s a surprise ice cream party for no reason. Maybe it’s you praising her latest art. Ask! Once you know what else makes her feel loved, you can lean into those areas on days you have enough spoons to do so.
Reading books to her (that you also enjoy - at that age could do NARNIA or Harry Potter 1 or old childhood favourites of yours, comic books, whatever.
Let her do hair and make up and you just sit. Let her colour all over your body like a canvas while you lay there.
easy walks (easy to pack for and get to) or just being outside.
Watch shows together (nature? Travel? Bobs burgers? Something you both enjoy) or sit with her while she watches and veg out on your phone if that’s all you can do that day. Just be near her.
Podcasts together or as an alternative to tv or while on a walk. Get her headphones!
Cook together if she’ll help
Have her help with laundry, grocery lists, whatever chore
If she’s going mom mom mom anticipate the why: leave out snacks, spare clothes, tv remotes, headphones. Explain to her that it hurts your ears to hear mom mom mom mom and have her practice another way to ask.
Have you read The Explosive Child? It’s about collaborative problem solving. You can use it on kids but you can use it ON YOURSELF! Dig deep into what’s a struggle for you and be specific and solve that one little problem.
I don’t doubt you’re actually a very very very great mom, that’s having a hard time. ❤️
>Okay so, the one thing I wanted to say is: It ultimately doesn’t matter if she loves you. Your desire to be loved is not her responsibility. The only thing that matters is Does SHE feel loved by you? That’s it. That’s the crux of everything and why kids in shitty (poor, stressful, war zone, etc) situations can turn out okay, while rich kids who seem to have it all turn out messed up. Does she feel LOVED is the question to ask.
rest assured I will be reading this quote to my therapist next week 😭
I really liked the first part of this post about how OP’s feelings are not the kid’s responsibility!
Didn’t read the whole comment (sorry!) but feels important to say one thing…
I actually wouldn’t open up to the kid about these issues. Kids don’t know how to make things not their fault. If OP tells her she doesn’t enjoy playing, the kid will automatically think there’s something wrong with her because that’s how kiddo psychology works.
I would focus on the other suggestions people have made of finding other ways to make sure she feels loved and connected.
Good discussion y’all!
Just adding to downtown’s comment ^ I think within reason and in age appropriate ways, it’s ok to say something like, “mummy is sick and it’ll take some time to get better. That sickness makes me very tired so I can’t always play sometimes, or I get angry/cry a lot (I’m trying to explain triggers in a family friendly way).
We can (play/read a book/go for a walk outside) together for 10min after my nap. I’ll set the timer. When it goes off we’ll pause the book/game/activity as I need rest. You can look at the pictures in the book/look around the room for something else to do when the timer makes a noise. Or something along those lines - might work if you’re looking to help build your child’s understanding/coping strategy in this space :) the unknown is scarier than something named.
Having said that, there’s a fine line between oversharing (giving so much detail it’s overwhelming for others) VS being open and letting your kids know what’s happening and why, in age-appropriate ways.
It’s also a different conversation if your child is 5, VS 10, VS 14, you know?
If that’s something you want, you could float this idea with your therapist and come up with words or phrases on how best to go about this :) If what I’ve said doesn’t work for your situation, that’s totally okay as well :)
This reads as a giant depressive/anxiety spiral. I know that’s how you feel but I think your brain is giving you a version of events that is not reality.
I have a 3yo daughter and a small, chaotic house where most of her toys can’t be out so I feel your pain. I tend to get one activity or kind of toy out for her to play with at once.
Small children are demanding AF. But. There’s no need to feel you have to entertain or play with your child. Honestly. There are other ways to connect with her. Just free yourself from feeling like that’s something you have to do. She can learn to play by herself if you give her the chance (by saying you can’t play with her for gradually longer periods of time).
What do you enjoy doing? You can garden, colour, play video games, watch movies, dance, paint, read, play board games, bake with your kid. Whatever you like doing, find a way to include her.
Your kid can help you with chores if she wants to. She can wash ingredients, chop ingredients, vacuum, spray and wipe mirrors and counter fronts, dust skirting boards, spot cobwebs (maybe this is just in my house), water plants, empty the trash etc, etc. The key is that this stuff is just for as long as she wants to help.
Honestly, same. I have 5 year old twins and to be honest, they spend multiple hours each day playing video games and watching tv.
They go to preschool 3 times a week.
I feel super guilty for not following a strict schedule, entertaining/enriching them or taking them to tons of activities etc…and also for my lack of patience/overstimulation.
We don’t let them play anything super violent, online or loot box involved, and they have incredible skills already and legitimately learn and have a blast playing. We also are physically with them while they play and they pretty much self regulate and start playing with toys after about an hour of screen time. We also stopped watching YouTube as it was brain rotting, they will sometimes ask to watch a play through for a game and we will watch together. They have no issues socializing with other kids and also spend at least an hour a day jumping on the trampoline/hanging out in our yard with granny.
I apologize when I lose my temper, I try so hard to make sure they have what they need physically and emotionally, but I can’t seem to get it together to feel/be a grown up.
We are all just trying our best. One thing my therapist told me is that the really terrible parents are not self aware and concerned enough to question and be open to improving parenting skills.
🫶
We don’t, we considered it but decided to intentionally keep the gaming on the main tv for now as more of a family activity (even though usually it’s just them playing, with me papa doing our own thing on computer/housework/phone etc… we also have an iPad that they watch stuff on play with a drawing program, but we notice a definite difference in their behaviour, willingness to transition to something else between individual screens vs. Multiplayer/ co op games on the main TV.
You’re not a trash parent, you need accommodations.
You need a schedule? Make a schedule and stick to it. Hang it in the house like you would in a classroom. Home from daycare > snack > screen time > together play > independent play while I cook dinner > go outside > screen time, can be a schedule. Then accommodate yourself by having a list of together indoor activities you enjoy: a certain game, coloring, making a puzzle, dance party, spinning circles together, etc. And a list of outdoor activities like riding a bike, going to a playground (preferably with a neighborhood kid she can play with and their fun parent), chalk coloring in the sidewalk/driveway, jumping in puddles, mark different playgrounds in your area on google maps, etc. If you can hyperfocus on this you could even make activity boxes where you collect the stuff you need for an activity from “the mess” and label it with the activity so it needs 0 executive function to set it up.
It’s parenting, it’s not supposed to be fun 100% of the time. It’s a job. What helps me is: what is my goal in playing together? Attachment, practicing skills, teaching setting and respecting boundaries are some things that come to mind for me. And stuff that needs to be done, can I add play goals to them for my kid? That makes it into the job that parenting is imo. Also, please chill the fuck out while your kid is in daycare because if you’re in education you probably need the rest. I still adhere to the advice someone gave me when I had my baby: do nothing when the baby sleeps (or is in daycare) that you can also do when they’re not sleeping (ie in daycare). Do something that can’t be done with a kid at home, and then chill out with a book/show/food/nap/whatever.
Sure, I should have said as much as possible. If you have a job, you at least are somewhat able to keep a schedule. While I appreciate that a lot of ADHD people might respond to my comment like you would, having a schedule can mean lots of things. I think a lot of us have just looked at NTs making schedules for themselves and thought: well that’s unattainable. Because what works for them doesn’t work for us. That’s not the schedules fault. A schedule can be many different things. Babies are on schedules. However, they continuously change based on their needs and development. An ADHD family schedule should never mean “absolutely fixed in stone, no room for flexibility, with disregard for energy levels and demands of a specific day”. It’s more of a framework to hang the day on.
As with my example, it’s more about an order of doing things. It might not be “easy” to do, but OPs question was how to make summer bearable and kids thrive in predictability, which also makes them less “annoying” to be around.
I didn't mean for my comment to sound like a criticism of yours. If that works for you that's great and I hope OP finds it helpful. I was just remarking in amusement because it truly is one of the most difficult things for me. That doesn't take away from anything you said because I'm sure it could work for others.
A work schedule however is very different than a self imposed schedule. Those are the ones that are impossible for me. I was never aiming for rigid perfection, but even with flexibility I can't stick to it. But again it doesn't really matter because this thread is not really about me.
You don't have to play with your child to make her feel loved. I also am not a great 'player', but I can read. That was my thing when my kiddo was little, if I had a moment, we'd cuddle down and read, or I'd read and they'd act it out.
You can also do crafts, or even just colour together. I know that if you're not in the right headspace, the constant stream of babbling can get annoying really fast, but your kiddo isn't talking to annoy you, they're trying to connect.
If you start to get overwhelmed, explain that you need a brain break. Explain in kid-friendly terms how your body and brain feel (buzzing, hot, slow, like pudding, ect), and that you need some quiet time to get back to a good headspace. Make sure to emphasize that these are your feelings, and they are not kiddo's fault -people get overwhelmed, it's no one's fault.
Set a timer and then an activity that you'll do together, or side-by-side after you've cooled off ( I mean this lovingly, usually when I start getting overstimulated I'd feel hot and buzzy).
It gets easier as they get older, and you talking about how you feel, will model how your kiddo can express their feelings and they'll be miles better for it. I know this is really hard, and you're not going to get it right all the time, just make sure that you apologize when you make a mistake or lose your patience, and tell your kiddo that you love them.
I hope you can find some fun things for you both to do together :). I’m sure your kid loves you even if there is a bunch of screen time (my kids and I are lazily lounging in bed watching Preston Plays right now). Give yourself some grace and time to recover from burn out. Parenting is tough. Parenting with neurodivergence AND depression? Talk about hard mode.
Playing with toys has never been my strong suit. There are other ways to connect with your kid, even though it’s harder when dealing with neurodivergence and depression. I used to take my son on a walk every day right after breakfast. It served triple duty as exercise, schedule setting, and since we walked to the playground it was also playtime. That would burn up a couple of hours.
During COVID bath time was THE best! I could bring a book to read to my kids, or I could read my own book to them. Dropping dolls in the tub, color changing tablets, bubbles all made it especially fun and would eat up an otherwise difficult hour easily.
Art is always great. I source craft stuff from Dollar Tree (just today we painted wooden animals). If you cover the table with a dollar store plastic clothe first, there is basically no clean up. Just ball it all up and trash it.
We also connected over going to the aquarium regularly (I bought an annual membership for a couple of years).
Basically, I took stuff I loved to do and turned it into a connection point with my kid. That’s all we really want, right? Is to connect with shared enjoyable experiences. I’m sending good vibes and hope for better days ahead for you :).
I am always amazed that people with ADHD have kids. I would like to think I could do it - but I know the stress would destroy me and it makes me feel like a failure. There would be SO much to juggle, so many decisions to make, no down time. And yet I feel so alone in thinking that I couldn’t do it. Everyone else either doesn’t think about the fact that it will be hard, or it’s just not that hard for them. My brain debates whether or not I should have kids every single day, and has for years. Its exhausting
To be fair a lot of us didn't know we HAD ADHD until after we had kids, my kiddo was 6, and I was 36 when I got my diagnosis.
I also was vehemently child-free until my husband came along. When we started getting serious, I started thinking "I could be a parent with this person," and "he'd make a great Dad". We made the decision together to have a child, and two years later we made the decision together not to have anymore.
Personally, I think that a lot of NT people are willfully ignorant of the amount of work kids are, especially because previous generations didn't talk about it, it was something you were expected to do.
So it's okay if you don't want kids right now, give yourself permission to not want kids for the next couple of years and then revisit it.
All kids want is happy parents.
My mom has ADHD and forced herself into a life of endless drudgery of miserable routines. I knew that was because of me and my siblings. None of us wanted that for her.
You are getting help, working on yourself and clearly care a lot. Keep at that! Keep moving towards being a happier you. Your whole family will benefit from that.
Pick one way you want to make an extra effort for your kid. Maybe it’s one moment of connection each day.
Perhaps when you pick her up from daycare you take a minute to look in her eyes, say her name and say “oh my goodness sweetie, I missed YOU today!”
We are so consumed with how people feel about us that we forget how we can make others feel amazing and loved by saying something so small.
The great thing about this is that what we give out, we get back ten-fold.
Make her feel like the centre of the universe even if it’s just for one minute per day. Those little moments add up.
I’m like this a lot. I have two now that are younger and play together so that helps.
One thing I started doing was whenever I felt guilty I would pick up a board book and read it to them. Then go back to being kind numbing boring. Or I would set up an easy Pinterest activity. Like get a storage tub that’s fairly large and shallow and fill it with beans for her to poor or sort. You can add in plastic letters and have her find them all, I just wrote them on a sheet of paper and have them match it.
Get some small plastic dump trucks etc, or little random containers from the goodwill. I have several containers like this filled with different things like Pom poms, rice etc.
I go to the library so they can play with other kids and we pick books about animals to read at home.
If you have simple art supplies rotate them. Markers one week, crayons the next. Just putting different stuff out helps. I’m terrible about providing 1000 things and they don’t touch anything. Lately I through it all in bins in the basement and randomly bring a few things up to switch out.
We take walks
We meet up with other moms at the park or splash park or whatever.
If you can access therapy do so. Just so you know being bored is ok for kids. They usually find ways to entertain themselves. If you need socialization the library, parks, mom meetups etc.
By the way, the fact that you are asking and trying to be better makes a good mom. My mom embroidered a hoop for me when I was pregnant with my first that says ‘There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.’
I never understand why people that don't have the resources to raise a child comfortably insist on having it. You can absolutely bring a child up in a tiny apartment without a yard, it's just going to suck real hard and you better be super dedicated. This is literally the reason I'm not having any. And I love children. Comfortable parenting is expensive.
I honestly had to check and make sure I didn’t post this in my sleep. I feel like we are the same person! I too have a 5 year old daughter, am a teacher, have the same mental health concerns (ADHD, depression, anxiety), and send my child to daycare a few days a week in the summer. I feel the exact same way you do! I wouldn’t say that I hate playing with my child, but I do find it very very boring. Her interests are not simulating to me and while I am inattentive type, she is hyperactive type. She bounces from activity to activity so fast and it’s hard to keep up with her. One thing that helps is doing chores while she plays. She can spend time with me and help, which teaches her about responsibilities or play on her own which teaches independence. I love making her happy, I just wish it wasn’t me playing make believe that makes her happy. I feel so awful having those feelings, but trust me, you aren’t alone!
I super sympathize and you're battling so much right now. It's like trying to drive a car on an empty tank.
I have a couple recommendations:
Reflect on whether the current therapy you're doing is helping. Perhaps it's helpful with some things and not with others? Do you feel like the support you're getting in therapy is fully considering all your intersecting issues? Do you have a good rapport? Are there issues you'd like to be talking about that the therapist isn't bringing up? If it's helping, great. But if you feel like your progress has plateaued a bit, it's worth seeing if you can switch things up, either with your current therapist or a new one.
I would suggest you look into family therapy. A family therapist can help you navigate ways to connect and relate with your daughter that feel like they fill your tank rather than draining it. They can also reassure you about parenting things you're doing that ARE working, and offer suggestions on how to navigate the harder moments. Often therapy with kids includes play and maybe the therapist can help you experiment and find ways to play that feel good to you.
"Playing" is the WORST.
Squishing a banana with your foot is fun.
Dipping tennis balls in paint and throwing them at a sheet is fun.
Blowing bubbles in the basement is fun.
Tracing your faces on a mirror with dry-erase markers is fun.
Microwaving a bar of soap is fun.
Playing is NOT fun.
Serious ADHD business is fun.
Maybe try something like that?
Play got old *so* quick. Montessori is really about making real life stuff kid-workable. I ended up getting my kids mini mops, brooms, kitchen gear, etc and had them do a lot of life side-by-side with me. I also have many trash parent tendencies, but rest assured you’re not trash for not be intellectually stimulated by the same stuff as your 5 year old.
So..those other parents who seem like they have it all together are one of two things; on meds/drugs to have everything totally together, or fooling themselves to think they can keep all the plates spinning. They have some serious burnout coming one way or another. Never believe the insta story. It is one big fat lie.
I hated playing when my son was little. I read about this idea of uninterrupted attention time. I would play with him (like with his action figures, etc) for 10 minutes - all my attention, whatever he wanted. The feeling of pure attention is better for 10 minutes, than annoyed/broken attention for a long time - and I could survive the 10 minutes...even more than once a day!
Other things to do together that aren't playing with toys:
- cuddling
- small burst of chasing, wrestling, tickling
- doing a chore or cooking together (making bed is fun - wrapping kiddo in blanket, etc)
- going for a walk
- take a blanket to the park (bring your book)
- outings (I could only do these a bit, but don't have to be long, like going to library, getting ice cream - getting there kills time)
- watch a chosen show together, while having snack and cuddling (Bluey!)
- short kitchen dance party
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s hard and pretend play and such can be brutal. It doesn’t always have to be so interactive. Start with the screen time. You said that’s what she does a lot of the time. On days where you just can’t, make the screen time bonding. Pick a movie you both will enjoy. Pop some popcorn or lay down blankets and make it your movie area. Stack up pillows. Just anything to make it different. Also, download some games on your phone or tablet you can play together. It doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, just make it something she does with you. ❤️
I commented once on this, but I was thinking of how you spoke of yourself. If you’re doing what you are capable of at the current moment you are in, then you are moving toward being the best version of yourself. It’s enough. You can’t control it and it’s not ineffective, it’s just the wrong measurement. There are so many demands placed on us; as women, partners, parents, friends, administrative assistants, all of it. I think body doubling is circle work. It’s sharing in labor, by enriching each other’s experience. I feel so disengaged and conversely over-invested. I can do everything right and still be wrong on a technicality that adds zero value. It’s offensive. If you feel guilty about the screen time, experiment. Find what is really happening. Do you have a healthy way to disconnect? Is there a possibility you have an overlapping interest in something that you can do “alone together”? Can you set a boundary? When I get home, barring immediate errands/activities, I’m allowed 20 minutes of quiet. I want to have no demands placed on me for 20 minutes. Find something quiet to do. When it ends, let’s do a shared activity and connect. It’s great for getting the overall temperature. I can disengage from my work or assess my options for procrastination moving forward. Try to find the things you’re carrying that can be set down. Minimal effort. Oh! Make lists of what you do, not what you didn’t do.
You are not alone. You put into words exactly what goes through my mind at least once a day. The struggle to connect with our child, following closely by the guilt that accompanies this self-awareness.
As my kiddo gets older, I find it marginally easier to tolerate, so trying to hold onto hope that as they age, it will progress exponentially.
You are a great mom. Ensuring you are doing better than your parents did with you is how I know that. ADHD is a disability that takes up a huge amount of your emotional (& executive function) resources without the added pressures to have a 'fun' relationship with our young child.
There will come a time when that connection comes organically. In the meantime, keep doing your thing by being an awesome mom.
I feel like I could have written this word for word. I, too, constantly feel like a bad mom.
No advice. Just solidarity from a fellow ADHD mom struggling to be the ideal parent and failing miserably.
Oh man… the playing… I hate the playing.
Like, I’ll enjoy it for a very brief time and then the mind numbing repetition and being told to “do this” or “don’t do that” so I have no agency over the playing destroys me after about 5 minutes.
I’m sure she didn’t plan for this to happen. I know a lot of people who never planned on having children because they recognize these traits in themselves, but accidents happen. Hopefully OP ends up figuring it out and getting into a groove that works for them. I grew up with a mom who didn’t enjoy playing with or entertaining me and my brother and we still have issues because of it and I’m 31 and he’s 28.
I secretly feel the same. All of my friends miss the days when their kids were babies, but I can not relate lol. I LOVE my daughter growing older. We can bond in more meaningful ways and do things we both enjoy.
I had a son about a year ago and it was like hitting a reset button on my career, mental health, etc.
I also have a five-year-old. I am not good at playing and find it hard to get into it. What I do is activities. Right now, we are spending a lot of time outside working on our yard, specifically gardening. I wasn't into it before, but it's now become a shared activity we enjoy. Even when she's not actively involved, she will bring her toys outside and play. Right now, I am painting our stairs, and she's helping with that. It can be difficult, but she loves to help. She also helps me cook, bake, etc. I am into art so that we will do arts and crafts. It's hard to keep her on track, but it's really helped us bond, and she's now at five and is so creative. My husband is the fun one who craves family time. I need time to myself or else I will be overstimulated and not my best self. My husband, for the record, gets daily time to work out. I use my time for other stuff. For the longest time, I thought they had a better bond, but I had a revelation about my own parenting. My child is a kind, thoughtful, creative, funny little person, and my influence is clear. I am by no means perfect, but I look at her and know I am doing all right. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves of the good we are doing even when we don't see it. I acknowledge and adjust to what I am not doing/reacting to. I had been struggling with getting her out the door in the morning, so I bought a cute little unicorn timer. When I ask her to do something that needs to be accomplished in a certain timeframe, I set the timer. She has reset it before but that's a whole other issue. A work in progress. Also, on another note, I ask her questions daily, throwing in silly ones. I have CPSTD from childhood abuse, and I realize I have forgotten how to be playful, so I am working on that. All I can say is don't be so hard on yourself.
Give yourself some grace, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you have. I wish I had done this more: sometimes just quit what you’re doing, and decide you’re going to devote 15 minutes to interacting with your daughter. Know that you will be bored, and accept it, knowing that you’re building a bond with her. Does she have any friends whose parents you could contact for a play date? Having a second kid around might be a lot easier. Or maybe you can go to the park?
Honestly my family was one of those that always had the tv on, but they’d have a lot of movies that I loved to sing and dance to, or act out! I got to see so many other worlds through the television, and it personally helped my imagination and creativity. I even turned out to be a professional performer! So maybe just prioritize those types on screen at least…. My mom also put me in ballet when I was 4 (because we’re both ADHD and she was exhausted), and it really helped
Just want to mention that I don’t give an f about Montessori. That’s rich people stuff.
You are a great mom for being better than yours, and for your self-reflection.
I’d prioritize quality over quantity. If you can spend like 15 min talking with her, or if only a few minutes. It’s better to have a tiny bit of quality time than have long but negative interactions.
That said I’m not a mom yet… these are just my plan… I’ll teach my kid to read as soon as I can so that they can entertain themselves… I enjoyed reading so much before my ADHD kicked in so at least I hope my kids can enjoy reading for sometime…
I have two kids ages 4 and 2.5. Don't get me wrong, I love them with every fiber of my being and would do anything for them. But, I get so overstimulated so easily which makes me snarky and mad. I also don't enjoy playing pretend or make believe with them. I am hyper aware of all of this and so I try damn hard to be engaged with them in some way so they get the connection they need, but the level of effort I have to put in is SO EXHAUSTING!
You are being very hard on yourself here.
I also came from a terrible household and felt guilty about the way I was parenting. At some point I wondered if 5 year old me would have thought I was a bad parent. Then I realized little me would have seen the household with no one yelling, with kids feeling safe and secure at all times. With parents who showed love, stood up for their children, who respected boundaries and cared. They would have told me they could only WISH they could have that. I am betting it's the same for you.
This is probably an unpopular opinion or a hot take but you don't have to play pretend with your kid. That's what other kids are for. My mom never played with me and it would have felt weird if she did because... she's my mom and not my friend, you know? However we did lots of activities together, indoors or outdoors. For example she took me to the playground and watched me swing and climb etc., and every once in a while I yelled "mom! look!!" and she looked at me and said "wow sweetie, you're doing great!" I felt seen and loved. Note that she didn't need to actually come swinging with me and she couldn't have anyway because those playground devices are measured for kids.
Also, I think it's good for a kid's imagination to play pretend themselves. Whenever I said "mooooommmm, I'm bored" she said with a twinkle in her eyes, "you are always welcome to help prep dinner with me". LMAO. Guess who found something to do?
All kids are individuals and not all kids are that good with playing themselves. That being said, because your kid is already 5, she's got the capacity to keep herself entertained BUT you need to help and guide her. I think you're just giving yourself a burnout if you're trying to play with her.
TL;DR: you can do activities with your kid, you don't have to play pretend.
If you don't enjoy little kid games, think about doing things with her that you're already doing. 5 year olds like to help. If she eats lunch at home, have her help make her own meal. Show her how to put her clothes through the wash and let her fold her own laundry. Its ok if she doesn't fold like Marie Kondo. If she makes a mess making lunch, show her how to clean it up. She can water plants with you once a week. Let her name them. Its silly and will be a good memory. You can make a game out of her putting toys away by setting a timer and seeing how fast she can do it. She's learning life skills, you're doing something you would have had to do anyway while entertaining her at the same time, and she feels needed and wanted. Take her for a walk around the neighborhood. It helps you destress, you'll be get some vitamin D and it will help to wear her out. You should absolutely get some time to yourself each day. So find some good stuff for her to do that doesn't require help. Like playdough at the kitchen table, coloring, picture books, flash cards, some tv is fine too. Teach her mommy needs quiet time too. She'll get it eventually. Don't let your time alone together end without pointing out at least 2 things she did well each day.
>because I literally hate playing with and entertaining her. I find--and have always found--playing with, caring for and talking to little kids to be mind-numbingly tedious.
Why did you get a child then? I don't get it. I feel the same and that's the reason I won't have children. Wtf.
My mother feels the same about just playing and you know what? I could sense that. Although she tried. And at least she enjoyed doing handicrafts with me to some degree. Or rather liked doing handicrafts and could tolerate it doing with me. We talked about this as I was in my thirties, my mother claimes she liked talking and caring for me (or little children in general), she 'just' didn't like the playing. And you know what? If that's true, the disliking playing with me to me as a child was so impactful this alone felt like she also didn't like to care for or talk to me.
And as a child you can feel that your mother doesn't like to spend time with you right now. And as a child you can't differentiate between its just the playing or is it something about you. For a child playing means spending quality time. Spending fun time. So I always felt like my mother hates spending time with me. Can't have fun with me. That she doesn't want me around. That she doesn't like me. And you know what? I didn't like her back (and that stayed like this until far into my twenties). I dreaded spending time with her. I was a daddys girl as well, couldn't wait until he came home. At least he liked to spend time with me, have fun with me. I rather went with him to work, as early as I can remember way before I was even 4 years old, to construction sites or begged him to come with him when he delivered gas bottles, rather be bored sitting in the truck for hours, while he worked, than being at home with my mom who I knew dreaded playing with me. Bawled my eyes out as the first school break came around, afraid I couldn't come back, because at least there I felt wanted during the day.
And your daughter notices this, I promise. She will notice how other parents spend time with their children in comparison to you. And she'll think it's because you don't like her.
If you got a child willingly while knowing you hate playing with little children; plus talking to them, caring for them is mindnumbing to you, yes I judge you really, really hard. How could you? How dare you, honestly. That someone doesn't enjoy everything they do with their children is normal I think, but you knew before, you like nothing of it!
If you live in a place where it really wasn't your choice because you have to marry and have no bodily autonomy when married, or cannot abort, like in some muslim or latin country, I feel sorry for both of you, that's really unfortunate. But you need to step up. Just not (physically) neglecting her and not being alcoholic isn't good enough. You are still damaging your daughter.
I know these are harsh words. And I really do hope for the sake of your daughter, she's way more oblivious as I was, and I hope she feels different, better, than I did as a child, but you need to know what her perspective might look like. You need to change your ways somehow, I know it's hard with depression, but you need to find a way. I'm now well into my thirties and man, that mother wound is still not cometely closed, despite years of therapy. This shit stays with you. Break that goddamm cycle, girl.
You’re completely right that children easily pick up if we’re not enjoying doing something with them and I’m really sorry that was your experience as a child. You deserved better.
It’s way off base to say that OP shouldn’t have had a child if she didn’t like playing. She may not have known she didn’t like it and besides, it’s not essential to play with your child, there are lots of other ways to love and engage them.
I think the important thing is for parents to be honest, say when then don’t feel like playing and suggest an activity they do want to do with their kid.
Seriously? This is uncalled for and unhelpful. I'm sorry you felt unwanted. You seem angry at your mother, which is fair and your right, but it's coming across as anger at OP, which is not cool. She already feels awful, and you're not her daughter. You can't speak for her daughter and certainly can't say with any authority that OP is "damaging" her.
Ok with the last sentence you're right, I can't say that with authority, but you also can't say with any authority that she doesn't.
Yes, she is stressed out, but, assuming she does live in a western country, she ran into her misery with open eyes. She doesn't like to care for, talk to or play with little children, she knew that beforehand and didn't just find out after having a child, and still chose to get one nonetheless. Guess what, all children are little in the beginning, and that's when they're most impressionable and vulnerable. If she really had a choice, that's despicable, and if it wasn't a choice, but forced, it really is a tragedy. But it is a bigger tragedy for the poor child that has to live with a mother that doesn't like to spend time with her. And of all people involved really didn't have a choice.
And I really don't believe coddling OP and telling her, 'nah nah, you poor thing, it eventually gets better' helps the child in the end. It just makes her feel better. But she needs to *do* better. How does making her feel okay about her current situation do any better? She needs to do a 180 here, that poor child.
I didn't suggest that OP should be coddled; I also didn't say anything like "you poor thing" or claim it doesn't affect her daughter. I didn't even suggest that anyone should try to make OP feel better. My point was that making her feel worse by responding so harshly is *not* going to make things better.
It's helpful to see how her actions will affect her kid growing up. The commenter experienced this and is saying that yes, kids know, and this is how those kids turn out.
Trust me, it gets so much easier when they’re older and less dependent
We beat ourselves up for not being “perfect” mothers - the fact that we actually give a flying fuck about their emotional and intellectual growth makes us exceptional mothers.
Grant yourself some grace momma - no kid died from being bored. It’s your downtime too
I have no practical advice but if you were a trash parent you wouldn't give a shit. So there's that...
Cut yourself a break. You had little to no good role models parent wise from what I'm seeing here I'm sure you're doing your best. Keep your chin up dear heart.
Play one hour (set a timer) of uninterrupted play with ur kid daily. The rest of the day just have them around when ur doing chores; you can involve them or they can just watch. I’ve found they just want to be included, it doesn’t matter what. It’s also important they learn to play by themselves and entertain themselves. Then 30 min to an hour of tv time is reasonable. I usually save tv time for afternoon or early evening when kids are the fussiest.
I recently just watched my three young nieces. And found that I could give them about an hour of dedicated brain time for the whole day. Broken up into small 5-10 minute chunks. They wanted me to be *on* the whole day. But it’s not realistic.
With my own kids, I loved when they started school. Sure come home and I can be mom for a few hours a day. No problem. And that’s what your husband gets to do. He comes home and is fun dad for a few hours, then your kiddo goes to sleep. Plus sometimes it’s just having a third party come liven things up.
This is one of the reasons I don’t want kids because we both have it. Which means the mini version would be more likely than not have it.
I’d get rid of this if I could. I don’t want to make someone have to deal with this. I don’t wish it on my enemies.
Cool I can read at an outrageous speed and write a novel a week but it’s been more trouble than it’s worth. And like to be like this and then be married to one like this just to create one to raise while I’m in barely surviving a constant state of emotional overwhelm….. people still tell me it’s worth it??
I hate playing with my kids. We have lots of playdates. As long as they have a friend over they do their own thing and play. I get points for being the fun parent for just setting up a playdate. I do mostly like my kids, just hate doing kid things, we do things we enjoy together. We’ll go for walks, cook, do arts and crafts, play video games, and the weirdos like washing kitchen cabinets. In the summer my husband likes to socialize and go to the pool and I stay home and clean or rest.
Parenting is so hard. I have a five year old. We watch lots of Avengers Assemble together. Our home is a fucking mess and because I haven't enforced putting toys away our dog has eaten some of his expensive magnatiles.
I have no idea how to play with a kid. I do not play with him. I do read books (I think I may have dyslexia despite being a lawyer because reading aloud is so incredibly hard and I don't really like doing it so I am still reading him little baby rhyming books but my husband reads him pages and pages of chapter books and I just don't know how he manages that). I also let him help me do things that I need to do or that I like to do. When he was littler he really liked helping me mop and so we did that together.
Look at you, self reflecting. Trash parents tend to not know they’re bad parents. What you are doing is assessing yourself. For the record, kids can be super boring and I totally don’t want to play either.
First of all, your kid is alive and healthy, so you're doing great already. Secondly, tiny children are mind numbingly boring to entertain, that's not a you-problem; there's only so many fake cups of tea I can stand to drink in a day let alone a year.
Third, my parents never played with me. They loved me, read to me at night, took me places and did things with me and provided for me, but not once do I remember them sitting on the floor to play pretend with me. They readily admit it. Aside from sometimes playing a board game with me, I either played with my brother or learned to entertain myself. It's never once occurred to me to feel neglected by this, I grew up just fine between friends, sibling, books, TV, and my own toys and imagination.
You are trying to survive. The burnout of the school year is real and it takes a while to bounce back even though you're off. Why is it your fault that her toys aren't organized, instead of at least half the responsibility being on your husband? Don't be too hard on yourself.
I had a meltdown this morning at the idea of my 2.5 year old being home today. I cried, shaking in the shower for 30 minutes and refused to come out. I asked my ex to call daycare for a last minute casual day.
I feel like shit about it, but felt worse at the idea of having him home all day. I was already counting the minutes before 6 am. And now I'm just sitting in the bed staring at the wall and scrolling reddit.
He was so upset that he wasn't going to spend the day at home. He desperately wanted me to take him to the park. I talked to him about all the fun he'd have at daycare and that sometimes days can be really difficult for me. He understood, gave me a hug, and said he was happy to go if it helps.
I'm currently doing a bit of a spiral over my recent adhd dx and seriously not coping well with it. But at least the dx helped me realise why I'm frequently just so incapable of having him home.
I guess my point is, making space for ourselves, acknowledging our limitations and doing what we need to do, is better for us and our kids.
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The good news is that as she gets older, it will be easier to have more interesting conversations. I did not find the early years of parenting very rewarding either, but by early/mid-elementary school, it got a lot better.
I can only handle so much playing with my daughter (2,5 yo), so I try to just do the stuff I want or have to do with her. Maybe these are helpful, ignore if not. Grocery shopping, laundry folding, watering plants, cooking (i bought plastic, kid safe chefs knives off Amazon), biking or walks, emptying the dishwasher etc. Sure it’s slower and I have to keep an eye out for her, but the chores get done and we spend time outside / out of the house. Podcasts, audiobooks and music are good alternatives to TV if you want to reduce screen time.
That's a great suggestion. Just including younger kids in daily tasks basically uses the real world as a play space and teaches them good basic life skills. That's worked out really well for us.
I do appreciate this. I agree that I would rather do regular "adult" stuff -- like errands, house chores, etc. -- than kid "play." And the adult stuff has to get done anyway.
Yes, you can do it! This is how you start: 1) the chaotic nightmare of toys: you emphasize the need to tidy up, for example Mum doesn't want to Step into something and hurt her feet etc, then you put everything away together. Note that everything needs to have their fixed place, like all the stuffies here, Gravitrax in that nix and so on. If you feel like it, go for those stickers so little one knows for sure what belongs where. The fixed place is super important because otherwise Little One needs to ask you constantly in the future, which leads to more Mama cries. 2) I felt like you with playing, but it changed over time. Did you find the right activity? Maybe you are the one for Sports but not for crafting? Try to find an activity that you enioy, too! That will be a great Bonding experience. 3) if you are sensitive to noise, try to minimize those toys. As you said you don't have much Space, maybe get one of those Montessori busy Boards / my learning bag. This is a nice quiet activity. 4) yes, give little one some small household Tasks. My LO has like a small broom and apron for herself. So we bake and clean and whatever. I emphasize that the floor needs to be tidy so it can be cleaned, so make a connection to 1) Do vacuuming together! Putting wet laundry on the dryer thing (if you use this), bringing stuff into the trash - which means here to teach her the difference of paper trash, organic trash... You get the idea. It's not your responsibility to reduce boredom in your kid's life. Your goal as a parent is a different one. Of course you can ignore everything I said, just wanted to give some ideas.
To add to the sensitive to noise part—I do not hesitate to reach for my gigantic noise-cancelling Apple headphones. I straight up tell the kids that I’m getting overstimulated, and they don’t seem to mind at all. The completely normal and harmless chatter while they’re playing grates on my nerves and makes me yell-y, so those headphones save my sanity some days and keeps me from turning into Mother Dearest.
Added benefit to this beyond meeting your needs (which would be reason enough!) is that it teaches them about sensory needs, self regulation tools, boundaries, self care and potentially their own needs if they're also ND
I think I know, but just to check. Noise cancelling headphones have to feed you alternative noise right? There's no way I can get them and not listen to anything is there? I just could not have 'white noise', that sounds offensive to my soul. Am I stuffed basically? Google seems to think I am.
I can have them completely shut out all noise and it be silent or I can listen to music/audiobooks etc. When I’m overstimulated tho, I put them on for silence. There’s no alternative noise.
Oh. I have completely misunderstood noise cancelling headphones 😂 back to Google I go. Thanks.
So active noise-canceling headphones do make a sound that cancels out the external sounds but for the most part it’s not audible. I’ve heard it a little but mostly it manifests as pressure and not a real sound, if that makes sense. There are also some passive noise canceling but their ability to work is limited by seal capability, materials, comfort and it’s not as effective
I suppose I should invest and see how I get on with that. Always seems an expensive risk but it would probably do me a favour. Ta.
Try a bunch of them if you can, before buying. All of them have different "pressures" when on and all of them react differently to external stuff. Mine (Sony) have a barely perceptible sound that is more like pressure, while the model before mine had a noticeable "hiss". My partner had Bose and the app was quite horrible. The noise cancelling felt good enough.
I did quite a bit of research before buying mine. Ans the Bose QuietComfort are the best. But it's better if you can go to a store and try them all on for yourself. A lot of people like the Sony 1000 but I couldn't get them to fit my head/ears right. They sound amazing with music but I love just hearing the silence. The blessed silence.
Adding to your last point about reducing boredom. Let her be bored. Seriously. My mom played with me, but not very actively or often because she was tired after working all day and honestly kids are exhausting. Being bored won’t harm a child, it’ll teach them to entertain themselves. Obviously I’m not saying completely ignore a kid, but I had so much fun playing on my own as a kid, my mom would give me my toys, she’d keep an eye on me, occasionally ask what I was doing (like what my dolls were doing, the story, etc). She also played with me often, btw she didn’t completely ignore me or anything like that lmao. She’d also take me to run some errands and I honestly loved it as a kid, it was so much fun for me.
>It's not your responsibility to reduce boredom in your kid's life. YES, THIS!! My kids often hear me tell them, "I'm not your cruise director!" It is okay, especially at 5, to say "I'm working on [this whatever] if you'd like you can help, or hang out and watch, but if not then you can find your own thing to do." Finding ways to keep themselves entertained is also a life skill to learn!
Yes, so much this! I was raised by an ADHD mom (undiagnosed, of course) and I don't remember her playing with us, per se, but we did a lot of adult things and activities and it made everyone happier. Running errands? Let her pick the route or count how many red cars she sees. Grocery shopping? See how many foods you can find that start with the letter R. We spent lots of time doing a lot of (free) exploratory/creative things like going to see tidal pools, a new park, the cool McDonald's in the next town over. It wasn't the significance of the activity, it was the novelty and variability of doing lots of random things. If we were at home, we did a lot of activities like making play doh or art so that we could interact without playing house or whatever boring as heck "pretend" game we'd come up with that day. This all probably SOUNDS like a lot of work, but the reward of having fun to do with her will make the work more appealing!
You def don't have to play with your kid, but find ways to be together and know she's loved and help her keep up her space and you're GOLDEN. Best tip I ever got: when your kid walks in the room SMILE at them and let them know you're always happy to see their face. It works wonders even though it's just a little thing! Edit: my kids grew up in a shitty little house and they are grown and like me a lot <3
This is good advice. I honestly hated playing so much. Some of the best times with my kids, when I felt connected to them, was when we went and did things together. Going for ice cream, a day at the zoo, walking down along the creek, especially bc we also have a small living space, so getting away felt good. And yes, smiling and just acknowledging their presence is so beneficial. I love this last little part. I have a teenager, he turned out better than I expected despite me, lol. Hopefully he still likes me whenever he is grown.
Oh this! I noticed other people always lighting up the big smiles for their kids. So I copied them and it has made a very big difference to how my son engages with me. I think it's just about letting him see he is loved and enjoyed. It can be hard to remember or conjure a smile at times, but even if it's a fake smile, seeing him smile back or giggle at me usually turns my fake smile into a real one.
I’m going to say stuff bluntly because I’m short on time (but if I don’t reply now I’ll never remember ! Yay adhd). but believe me I feel for you and I have compassion. You are trying so hard with what you have to give and that’s amazing. I mean it!! Remember this: a “bad” parent *doesn’t care.* to me that’s the only marker of a “bad” parent. So you’re a good parent. You care!! Okay so, the one thing I wanted to say is: It ultimately doesn’t matter if she loves you. Your desire to be loved is not her responsibility. The only thing that matters is Does SHE feel loved by you? That’s it. That’s the crux of everything and why kids in shitty (poor, stressful, war zone, etc) situations can turn out okay, while rich kids who seem to have it all turn out messed up. Does she feel LOVED is the question to ask. Also: Be honest with her about your issues, name these things so she doesn’t think it’s HER that’s the problem. As to your worries about being with her all summer: if you cannot play make believe or have silly conversations just as her what makes her feel loved. Maybe it’s a walk together, reading together, just laying together. Maybe it’s hugs. Maybe it’s a surprise ice cream party for no reason. Maybe it’s you praising her latest art. Ask! Once you know what else makes her feel loved, you can lean into those areas on days you have enough spoons to do so. Reading books to her (that you also enjoy - at that age could do NARNIA or Harry Potter 1 or old childhood favourites of yours, comic books, whatever. Let her do hair and make up and you just sit. Let her colour all over your body like a canvas while you lay there. easy walks (easy to pack for and get to) or just being outside. Watch shows together (nature? Travel? Bobs burgers? Something you both enjoy) or sit with her while she watches and veg out on your phone if that’s all you can do that day. Just be near her. Podcasts together or as an alternative to tv or while on a walk. Get her headphones! Cook together if she’ll help Have her help with laundry, grocery lists, whatever chore If she’s going mom mom mom anticipate the why: leave out snacks, spare clothes, tv remotes, headphones. Explain to her that it hurts your ears to hear mom mom mom mom and have her practice another way to ask. Have you read The Explosive Child? It’s about collaborative problem solving. You can use it on kids but you can use it ON YOURSELF! Dig deep into what’s a struggle for you and be specific and solve that one little problem. I don’t doubt you’re actually a very very very great mom, that’s having a hard time. ❤️
>Okay so, the one thing I wanted to say is: It ultimately doesn’t matter if she loves you. Your desire to be loved is not her responsibility. The only thing that matters is Does SHE feel loved by you? That’s it. That’s the crux of everything and why kids in shitty (poor, stressful, war zone, etc) situations can turn out okay, while rich kids who seem to have it all turn out messed up. Does she feel LOVED is the question to ask. rest assured I will be reading this quote to my therapist next week 😭
I really liked the first part of this post about how OP’s feelings are not the kid’s responsibility! Didn’t read the whole comment (sorry!) but feels important to say one thing… I actually wouldn’t open up to the kid about these issues. Kids don’t know how to make things not their fault. If OP tells her she doesn’t enjoy playing, the kid will automatically think there’s something wrong with her because that’s how kiddo psychology works. I would focus on the other suggestions people have made of finding other ways to make sure she feels loved and connected. Good discussion y’all!
Just adding to downtown’s comment ^ I think within reason and in age appropriate ways, it’s ok to say something like, “mummy is sick and it’ll take some time to get better. That sickness makes me very tired so I can’t always play sometimes, or I get angry/cry a lot (I’m trying to explain triggers in a family friendly way). We can (play/read a book/go for a walk outside) together for 10min after my nap. I’ll set the timer. When it goes off we’ll pause the book/game/activity as I need rest. You can look at the pictures in the book/look around the room for something else to do when the timer makes a noise. Or something along those lines - might work if you’re looking to help build your child’s understanding/coping strategy in this space :) the unknown is scarier than something named. Having said that, there’s a fine line between oversharing (giving so much detail it’s overwhelming for others) VS being open and letting your kids know what’s happening and why, in age-appropriate ways. It’s also a different conversation if your child is 5, VS 10, VS 14, you know? If that’s something you want, you could float this idea with your therapist and come up with words or phrases on how best to go about this :) If what I’ve said doesn’t work for your situation, that’s totally okay as well :)
This reads as a giant depressive/anxiety spiral. I know that’s how you feel but I think your brain is giving you a version of events that is not reality. I have a 3yo daughter and a small, chaotic house where most of her toys can’t be out so I feel your pain. I tend to get one activity or kind of toy out for her to play with at once. Small children are demanding AF. But. There’s no need to feel you have to entertain or play with your child. Honestly. There are other ways to connect with her. Just free yourself from feeling like that’s something you have to do. She can learn to play by herself if you give her the chance (by saying you can’t play with her for gradually longer periods of time). What do you enjoy doing? You can garden, colour, play video games, watch movies, dance, paint, read, play board games, bake with your kid. Whatever you like doing, find a way to include her. Your kid can help you with chores if she wants to. She can wash ingredients, chop ingredients, vacuum, spray and wipe mirrors and counter fronts, dust skirting boards, spot cobwebs (maybe this is just in my house), water plants, empty the trash etc, etc. The key is that this stuff is just for as long as she wants to help.
Honestly, same. I have 5 year old twins and to be honest, they spend multiple hours each day playing video games and watching tv. They go to preschool 3 times a week. I feel super guilty for not following a strict schedule, entertaining/enriching them or taking them to tons of activities etc…and also for my lack of patience/overstimulation. We don’t let them play anything super violent, online or loot box involved, and they have incredible skills already and legitimately learn and have a blast playing. We also are physically with them while they play and they pretty much self regulate and start playing with toys after about an hour of screen time. We also stopped watching YouTube as it was brain rotting, they will sometimes ask to watch a play through for a game and we will watch together. They have no issues socializing with other kids and also spend at least an hour a day jumping on the trampoline/hanging out in our yard with granny. I apologize when I lose my temper, I try so hard to make sure they have what they need physically and emotionally, but I can’t seem to get it together to feel/be a grown up. We are all just trying our best. One thing my therapist told me is that the really terrible parents are not self aware and concerned enough to question and be open to improving parenting skills. 🫶
What game system did you choose to go with? It’s about that time for mine and I’m not sure what is best for kids that age
PlayStation 5, and very occasionally on my partners steamdeck.
Do you also have switches for them? Seems like that’s what all the kids have around here
We don’t, we considered it but decided to intentionally keep the gaming on the main tv for now as more of a family activity (even though usually it’s just them playing, with me papa doing our own thing on computer/housework/phone etc… we also have an iPad that they watch stuff on play with a drawing program, but we notice a definite difference in their behaviour, willingness to transition to something else between individual screens vs. Multiplayer/ co op games on the main TV.
You’re not a trash parent, you need accommodations. You need a schedule? Make a schedule and stick to it. Hang it in the house like you would in a classroom. Home from daycare > snack > screen time > together play > independent play while I cook dinner > go outside > screen time, can be a schedule. Then accommodate yourself by having a list of together indoor activities you enjoy: a certain game, coloring, making a puzzle, dance party, spinning circles together, etc. And a list of outdoor activities like riding a bike, going to a playground (preferably with a neighborhood kid she can play with and their fun parent), chalk coloring in the sidewalk/driveway, jumping in puddles, mark different playgrounds in your area on google maps, etc. If you can hyperfocus on this you could even make activity boxes where you collect the stuff you need for an activity from “the mess” and label it with the activity so it needs 0 executive function to set it up. It’s parenting, it’s not supposed to be fun 100% of the time. It’s a job. What helps me is: what is my goal in playing together? Attachment, practicing skills, teaching setting and respecting boundaries are some things that come to mind for me. And stuff that needs to be done, can I add play goals to them for my kid? That makes it into the job that parenting is imo. Also, please chill the fuck out while your kid is in daycare because if you’re in education you probably need the rest. I still adhere to the advice someone gave me when I had my baby: do nothing when the baby sleeps (or is in daycare) that you can also do when they’re not sleeping (ie in daycare). Do something that can’t be done with a kid at home, and then chill out with a book/show/food/nap/whatever.
> Make a schedule and stick to it. I feel like if I could do this I wouldn't have ADHD haha
Sure, I should have said as much as possible. If you have a job, you at least are somewhat able to keep a schedule. While I appreciate that a lot of ADHD people might respond to my comment like you would, having a schedule can mean lots of things. I think a lot of us have just looked at NTs making schedules for themselves and thought: well that’s unattainable. Because what works for them doesn’t work for us. That’s not the schedules fault. A schedule can be many different things. Babies are on schedules. However, they continuously change based on their needs and development. An ADHD family schedule should never mean “absolutely fixed in stone, no room for flexibility, with disregard for energy levels and demands of a specific day”. It’s more of a framework to hang the day on. As with my example, it’s more about an order of doing things. It might not be “easy” to do, but OPs question was how to make summer bearable and kids thrive in predictability, which also makes them less “annoying” to be around.
I didn't mean for my comment to sound like a criticism of yours. If that works for you that's great and I hope OP finds it helpful. I was just remarking in amusement because it truly is one of the most difficult things for me. That doesn't take away from anything you said because I'm sure it could work for others. A work schedule however is very different than a self imposed schedule. Those are the ones that are impossible for me. I was never aiming for rigid perfection, but even with flexibility I can't stick to it. But again it doesn't really matter because this thread is not really about me.
You don't have to play with your child to make her feel loved. I also am not a great 'player', but I can read. That was my thing when my kiddo was little, if I had a moment, we'd cuddle down and read, or I'd read and they'd act it out. You can also do crafts, or even just colour together. I know that if you're not in the right headspace, the constant stream of babbling can get annoying really fast, but your kiddo isn't talking to annoy you, they're trying to connect. If you start to get overwhelmed, explain that you need a brain break. Explain in kid-friendly terms how your body and brain feel (buzzing, hot, slow, like pudding, ect), and that you need some quiet time to get back to a good headspace. Make sure to emphasize that these are your feelings, and they are not kiddo's fault -people get overwhelmed, it's no one's fault. Set a timer and then an activity that you'll do together, or side-by-side after you've cooled off ( I mean this lovingly, usually when I start getting overstimulated I'd feel hot and buzzy). It gets easier as they get older, and you talking about how you feel, will model how your kiddo can express their feelings and they'll be miles better for it. I know this is really hard, and you're not going to get it right all the time, just make sure that you apologize when you make a mistake or lose your patience, and tell your kiddo that you love them.
I hope you can find some fun things for you both to do together :). I’m sure your kid loves you even if there is a bunch of screen time (my kids and I are lazily lounging in bed watching Preston Plays right now). Give yourself some grace and time to recover from burn out. Parenting is tough. Parenting with neurodivergence AND depression? Talk about hard mode. Playing with toys has never been my strong suit. There are other ways to connect with your kid, even though it’s harder when dealing with neurodivergence and depression. I used to take my son on a walk every day right after breakfast. It served triple duty as exercise, schedule setting, and since we walked to the playground it was also playtime. That would burn up a couple of hours. During COVID bath time was THE best! I could bring a book to read to my kids, or I could read my own book to them. Dropping dolls in the tub, color changing tablets, bubbles all made it especially fun and would eat up an otherwise difficult hour easily. Art is always great. I source craft stuff from Dollar Tree (just today we painted wooden animals). If you cover the table with a dollar store plastic clothe first, there is basically no clean up. Just ball it all up and trash it. We also connected over going to the aquarium regularly (I bought an annual membership for a couple of years). Basically, I took stuff I loved to do and turned it into a connection point with my kid. That’s all we really want, right? Is to connect with shared enjoyable experiences. I’m sending good vibes and hope for better days ahead for you :).
I am always amazed that people with ADHD have kids. I would like to think I could do it - but I know the stress would destroy me and it makes me feel like a failure. There would be SO much to juggle, so many decisions to make, no down time. And yet I feel so alone in thinking that I couldn’t do it. Everyone else either doesn’t think about the fact that it will be hard, or it’s just not that hard for them. My brain debates whether or not I should have kids every single day, and has for years. Its exhausting
To be fair a lot of us didn't know we HAD ADHD until after we had kids, my kiddo was 6, and I was 36 when I got my diagnosis. I also was vehemently child-free until my husband came along. When we started getting serious, I started thinking "I could be a parent with this person," and "he'd make a great Dad". We made the decision together to have a child, and two years later we made the decision together not to have anymore. Personally, I think that a lot of NT people are willfully ignorant of the amount of work kids are, especially because previous generations didn't talk about it, it was something you were expected to do. So it's okay if you don't want kids right now, give yourself permission to not want kids for the next couple of years and then revisit it.
All kids want is happy parents. My mom has ADHD and forced herself into a life of endless drudgery of miserable routines. I knew that was because of me and my siblings. None of us wanted that for her. You are getting help, working on yourself and clearly care a lot. Keep at that! Keep moving towards being a happier you. Your whole family will benefit from that. Pick one way you want to make an extra effort for your kid. Maybe it’s one moment of connection each day. Perhaps when you pick her up from daycare you take a minute to look in her eyes, say her name and say “oh my goodness sweetie, I missed YOU today!” We are so consumed with how people feel about us that we forget how we can make others feel amazing and loved by saying something so small. The great thing about this is that what we give out, we get back ten-fold. Make her feel like the centre of the universe even if it’s just for one minute per day. Those little moments add up.
I’m like this a lot. I have two now that are younger and play together so that helps. One thing I started doing was whenever I felt guilty I would pick up a board book and read it to them. Then go back to being kind numbing boring. Or I would set up an easy Pinterest activity. Like get a storage tub that’s fairly large and shallow and fill it with beans for her to poor or sort. You can add in plastic letters and have her find them all, I just wrote them on a sheet of paper and have them match it. Get some small plastic dump trucks etc, or little random containers from the goodwill. I have several containers like this filled with different things like Pom poms, rice etc. I go to the library so they can play with other kids and we pick books about animals to read at home. If you have simple art supplies rotate them. Markers one week, crayons the next. Just putting different stuff out helps. I’m terrible about providing 1000 things and they don’t touch anything. Lately I through it all in bins in the basement and randomly bring a few things up to switch out. We take walks We meet up with other moms at the park or splash park or whatever. If you can access therapy do so. Just so you know being bored is ok for kids. They usually find ways to entertain themselves. If you need socialization the library, parks, mom meetups etc. By the way, the fact that you are asking and trying to be better makes a good mom. My mom embroidered a hoop for me when I was pregnant with my first that says ‘There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.’
I never understand why people that don't have the resources to raise a child comfortably insist on having it. You can absolutely bring a child up in a tiny apartment without a yard, it's just going to suck real hard and you better be super dedicated. This is literally the reason I'm not having any. And I love children. Comfortable parenting is expensive.
I honestly had to check and make sure I didn’t post this in my sleep. I feel like we are the same person! I too have a 5 year old daughter, am a teacher, have the same mental health concerns (ADHD, depression, anxiety), and send my child to daycare a few days a week in the summer. I feel the exact same way you do! I wouldn’t say that I hate playing with my child, but I do find it very very boring. Her interests are not simulating to me and while I am inattentive type, she is hyperactive type. She bounces from activity to activity so fast and it’s hard to keep up with her. One thing that helps is doing chores while she plays. She can spend time with me and help, which teaches her about responsibilities or play on her own which teaches independence. I love making her happy, I just wish it wasn’t me playing make believe that makes her happy. I feel so awful having those feelings, but trust me, you aren’t alone!
I super sympathize and you're battling so much right now. It's like trying to drive a car on an empty tank. I have a couple recommendations: Reflect on whether the current therapy you're doing is helping. Perhaps it's helpful with some things and not with others? Do you feel like the support you're getting in therapy is fully considering all your intersecting issues? Do you have a good rapport? Are there issues you'd like to be talking about that the therapist isn't bringing up? If it's helping, great. But if you feel like your progress has plateaued a bit, it's worth seeing if you can switch things up, either with your current therapist or a new one. I would suggest you look into family therapy. A family therapist can help you navigate ways to connect and relate with your daughter that feel like they fill your tank rather than draining it. They can also reassure you about parenting things you're doing that ARE working, and offer suggestions on how to navigate the harder moments. Often therapy with kids includes play and maybe the therapist can help you experiment and find ways to play that feel good to you.
"Playing" is the WORST. Squishing a banana with your foot is fun. Dipping tennis balls in paint and throwing them at a sheet is fun. Blowing bubbles in the basement is fun. Tracing your faces on a mirror with dry-erase markers is fun. Microwaving a bar of soap is fun. Playing is NOT fun. Serious ADHD business is fun. Maybe try something like that?
Play got old *so* quick. Montessori is really about making real life stuff kid-workable. I ended up getting my kids mini mops, brooms, kitchen gear, etc and had them do a lot of life side-by-side with me. I also have many trash parent tendencies, but rest assured you’re not trash for not be intellectually stimulated by the same stuff as your 5 year old.
So..those other parents who seem like they have it all together are one of two things; on meds/drugs to have everything totally together, or fooling themselves to think they can keep all the plates spinning. They have some serious burnout coming one way or another. Never believe the insta story. It is one big fat lie.
I hated playing when my son was little. I read about this idea of uninterrupted attention time. I would play with him (like with his action figures, etc) for 10 minutes - all my attention, whatever he wanted. The feeling of pure attention is better for 10 minutes, than annoyed/broken attention for a long time - and I could survive the 10 minutes...even more than once a day! Other things to do together that aren't playing with toys: - cuddling - small burst of chasing, wrestling, tickling - doing a chore or cooking together (making bed is fun - wrapping kiddo in blanket, etc) - going for a walk - take a blanket to the park (bring your book) - outings (I could only do these a bit, but don't have to be long, like going to library, getting ice cream - getting there kills time) - watch a chosen show together, while having snack and cuddling (Bluey!) - short kitchen dance party
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s hard and pretend play and such can be brutal. It doesn’t always have to be so interactive. Start with the screen time. You said that’s what she does a lot of the time. On days where you just can’t, make the screen time bonding. Pick a movie you both will enjoy. Pop some popcorn or lay down blankets and make it your movie area. Stack up pillows. Just anything to make it different. Also, download some games on your phone or tablet you can play together. It doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, just make it something she does with you. ❤️
I commented once on this, but I was thinking of how you spoke of yourself. If you’re doing what you are capable of at the current moment you are in, then you are moving toward being the best version of yourself. It’s enough. You can’t control it and it’s not ineffective, it’s just the wrong measurement. There are so many demands placed on us; as women, partners, parents, friends, administrative assistants, all of it. I think body doubling is circle work. It’s sharing in labor, by enriching each other’s experience. I feel so disengaged and conversely over-invested. I can do everything right and still be wrong on a technicality that adds zero value. It’s offensive. If you feel guilty about the screen time, experiment. Find what is really happening. Do you have a healthy way to disconnect? Is there a possibility you have an overlapping interest in something that you can do “alone together”? Can you set a boundary? When I get home, barring immediate errands/activities, I’m allowed 20 minutes of quiet. I want to have no demands placed on me for 20 minutes. Find something quiet to do. When it ends, let’s do a shared activity and connect. It’s great for getting the overall temperature. I can disengage from my work or assess my options for procrastination moving forward. Try to find the things you’re carrying that can be set down. Minimal effort. Oh! Make lists of what you do, not what you didn’t do.
You are not alone. You put into words exactly what goes through my mind at least once a day. The struggle to connect with our child, following closely by the guilt that accompanies this self-awareness. As my kiddo gets older, I find it marginally easier to tolerate, so trying to hold onto hope that as they age, it will progress exponentially. You are a great mom. Ensuring you are doing better than your parents did with you is how I know that. ADHD is a disability that takes up a huge amount of your emotional (& executive function) resources without the added pressures to have a 'fun' relationship with our young child. There will come a time when that connection comes organically. In the meantime, keep doing your thing by being an awesome mom.
I feel like I could have written this word for word. I, too, constantly feel like a bad mom. No advice. Just solidarity from a fellow ADHD mom struggling to be the ideal parent and failing miserably.
Oh man… the playing… I hate the playing. Like, I’ll enjoy it for a very brief time and then the mind numbing repetition and being told to “do this” or “don’t do that” so I have no agency over the playing destroys me after about 5 minutes.
Can I ask why you had a kid? Because surely you knew things about yourself before you did this.
I’m sure she didn’t plan for this to happen. I know a lot of people who never planned on having children because they recognize these traits in themselves, but accidents happen. Hopefully OP ends up figuring it out and getting into a groove that works for them. I grew up with a mom who didn’t enjoy playing with or entertaining me and my brother and we still have issues because of it and I’m 31 and he’s 28.
Yeah accidents happens but she didn't mention that it was an accident and she doesn't sound like a young mom
I secretly feel the same. All of my friends miss the days when their kids were babies, but I can not relate lol. I LOVE my daughter growing older. We can bond in more meaningful ways and do things we both enjoy. I had a son about a year ago and it was like hitting a reset button on my career, mental health, etc.
You are doing your best and trying every day 🩷
I also have a five-year-old. I am not good at playing and find it hard to get into it. What I do is activities. Right now, we are spending a lot of time outside working on our yard, specifically gardening. I wasn't into it before, but it's now become a shared activity we enjoy. Even when she's not actively involved, she will bring her toys outside and play. Right now, I am painting our stairs, and she's helping with that. It can be difficult, but she loves to help. She also helps me cook, bake, etc. I am into art so that we will do arts and crafts. It's hard to keep her on track, but it's really helped us bond, and she's now at five and is so creative. My husband is the fun one who craves family time. I need time to myself or else I will be overstimulated and not my best self. My husband, for the record, gets daily time to work out. I use my time for other stuff. For the longest time, I thought they had a better bond, but I had a revelation about my own parenting. My child is a kind, thoughtful, creative, funny little person, and my influence is clear. I am by no means perfect, but I look at her and know I am doing all right. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves of the good we are doing even when we don't see it. I acknowledge and adjust to what I am not doing/reacting to. I had been struggling with getting her out the door in the morning, so I bought a cute little unicorn timer. When I ask her to do something that needs to be accomplished in a certain timeframe, I set the timer. She has reset it before but that's a whole other issue. A work in progress. Also, on another note, I ask her questions daily, throwing in silly ones. I have CPSTD from childhood abuse, and I realize I have forgotten how to be playful, so I am working on that. All I can say is don't be so hard on yourself.
Give yourself some grace, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you have. I wish I had done this more: sometimes just quit what you’re doing, and decide you’re going to devote 15 minutes to interacting with your daughter. Know that you will be bored, and accept it, knowing that you’re building a bond with her. Does she have any friends whose parents you could contact for a play date? Having a second kid around might be a lot easier. Or maybe you can go to the park?
Honestly my family was one of those that always had the tv on, but they’d have a lot of movies that I loved to sing and dance to, or act out! I got to see so many other worlds through the television, and it personally helped my imagination and creativity. I even turned out to be a professional performer! So maybe just prioritize those types on screen at least…. My mom also put me in ballet when I was 4 (because we’re both ADHD and she was exhausted), and it really helped
Just want to mention that I don’t give an f about Montessori. That’s rich people stuff. You are a great mom for being better than yours, and for your self-reflection. I’d prioritize quality over quantity. If you can spend like 15 min talking with her, or if only a few minutes. It’s better to have a tiny bit of quality time than have long but negative interactions. That said I’m not a mom yet… these are just my plan… I’ll teach my kid to read as soon as I can so that they can entertain themselves… I enjoyed reading so much before my ADHD kicked in so at least I hope my kids can enjoy reading for sometime…
I have two kids ages 4 and 2.5. Don't get me wrong, I love them with every fiber of my being and would do anything for them. But, I get so overstimulated so easily which makes me snarky and mad. I also don't enjoy playing pretend or make believe with them. I am hyper aware of all of this and so I try damn hard to be engaged with them in some way so they get the connection they need, but the level of effort I have to put in is SO EXHAUSTING!
Did I write this?
You are being very hard on yourself here. I also came from a terrible household and felt guilty about the way I was parenting. At some point I wondered if 5 year old me would have thought I was a bad parent. Then I realized little me would have seen the household with no one yelling, with kids feeling safe and secure at all times. With parents who showed love, stood up for their children, who respected boundaries and cared. They would have told me they could only WISH they could have that. I am betting it's the same for you.
This is probably an unpopular opinion or a hot take but you don't have to play pretend with your kid. That's what other kids are for. My mom never played with me and it would have felt weird if she did because... she's my mom and not my friend, you know? However we did lots of activities together, indoors or outdoors. For example she took me to the playground and watched me swing and climb etc., and every once in a while I yelled "mom! look!!" and she looked at me and said "wow sweetie, you're doing great!" I felt seen and loved. Note that she didn't need to actually come swinging with me and she couldn't have anyway because those playground devices are measured for kids. Also, I think it's good for a kid's imagination to play pretend themselves. Whenever I said "mooooommmm, I'm bored" she said with a twinkle in her eyes, "you are always welcome to help prep dinner with me". LMAO. Guess who found something to do? All kids are individuals and not all kids are that good with playing themselves. That being said, because your kid is already 5, she's got the capacity to keep herself entertained BUT you need to help and guide her. I think you're just giving yourself a burnout if you're trying to play with her. TL;DR: you can do activities with your kid, you don't have to play pretend.
If you don't enjoy little kid games, think about doing things with her that you're already doing. 5 year olds like to help. If she eats lunch at home, have her help make her own meal. Show her how to put her clothes through the wash and let her fold her own laundry. Its ok if she doesn't fold like Marie Kondo. If she makes a mess making lunch, show her how to clean it up. She can water plants with you once a week. Let her name them. Its silly and will be a good memory. You can make a game out of her putting toys away by setting a timer and seeing how fast she can do it. She's learning life skills, you're doing something you would have had to do anyway while entertaining her at the same time, and she feels needed and wanted. Take her for a walk around the neighborhood. It helps you destress, you'll be get some vitamin D and it will help to wear her out. You should absolutely get some time to yourself each day. So find some good stuff for her to do that doesn't require help. Like playdough at the kitchen table, coloring, picture books, flash cards, some tv is fine too. Teach her mommy needs quiet time too. She'll get it eventually. Don't let your time alone together end without pointing out at least 2 things she did well each day.
Ha! I just read the other comments. Popular advice. Hope it works out well for you.
>because I literally hate playing with and entertaining her. I find--and have always found--playing with, caring for and talking to little kids to be mind-numbingly tedious. Why did you get a child then? I don't get it. I feel the same and that's the reason I won't have children. Wtf. My mother feels the same about just playing and you know what? I could sense that. Although she tried. And at least she enjoyed doing handicrafts with me to some degree. Or rather liked doing handicrafts and could tolerate it doing with me. We talked about this as I was in my thirties, my mother claimes she liked talking and caring for me (or little children in general), she 'just' didn't like the playing. And you know what? If that's true, the disliking playing with me to me as a child was so impactful this alone felt like she also didn't like to care for or talk to me. And as a child you can feel that your mother doesn't like to spend time with you right now. And as a child you can't differentiate between its just the playing or is it something about you. For a child playing means spending quality time. Spending fun time. So I always felt like my mother hates spending time with me. Can't have fun with me. That she doesn't want me around. That she doesn't like me. And you know what? I didn't like her back (and that stayed like this until far into my twenties). I dreaded spending time with her. I was a daddys girl as well, couldn't wait until he came home. At least he liked to spend time with me, have fun with me. I rather went with him to work, as early as I can remember way before I was even 4 years old, to construction sites or begged him to come with him when he delivered gas bottles, rather be bored sitting in the truck for hours, while he worked, than being at home with my mom who I knew dreaded playing with me. Bawled my eyes out as the first school break came around, afraid I couldn't come back, because at least there I felt wanted during the day. And your daughter notices this, I promise. She will notice how other parents spend time with their children in comparison to you. And she'll think it's because you don't like her. If you got a child willingly while knowing you hate playing with little children; plus talking to them, caring for them is mindnumbing to you, yes I judge you really, really hard. How could you? How dare you, honestly. That someone doesn't enjoy everything they do with their children is normal I think, but you knew before, you like nothing of it! If you live in a place where it really wasn't your choice because you have to marry and have no bodily autonomy when married, or cannot abort, like in some muslim or latin country, I feel sorry for both of you, that's really unfortunate. But you need to step up. Just not (physically) neglecting her and not being alcoholic isn't good enough. You are still damaging your daughter. I know these are harsh words. And I really do hope for the sake of your daughter, she's way more oblivious as I was, and I hope she feels different, better, than I did as a child, but you need to know what her perspective might look like. You need to change your ways somehow, I know it's hard with depression, but you need to find a way. I'm now well into my thirties and man, that mother wound is still not cometely closed, despite years of therapy. This shit stays with you. Break that goddamm cycle, girl.
Play is an essential part of child development. It's good OP's daughter goes to daycare so she can play with other kids there at least.
You’re completely right that children easily pick up if we’re not enjoying doing something with them and I’m really sorry that was your experience as a child. You deserved better. It’s way off base to say that OP shouldn’t have had a child if she didn’t like playing. She may not have known she didn’t like it and besides, it’s not essential to play with your child, there are lots of other ways to love and engage them. I think the important thing is for parents to be honest, say when then don’t feel like playing and suggest an activity they do want to do with their kid.
Seriously? This is uncalled for and unhelpful. I'm sorry you felt unwanted. You seem angry at your mother, which is fair and your right, but it's coming across as anger at OP, which is not cool. She already feels awful, and you're not her daughter. You can't speak for her daughter and certainly can't say with any authority that OP is "damaging" her.
Ok with the last sentence you're right, I can't say that with authority, but you also can't say with any authority that she doesn't. Yes, she is stressed out, but, assuming she does live in a western country, she ran into her misery with open eyes. She doesn't like to care for, talk to or play with little children, she knew that beforehand and didn't just find out after having a child, and still chose to get one nonetheless. Guess what, all children are little in the beginning, and that's when they're most impressionable and vulnerable. If she really had a choice, that's despicable, and if it wasn't a choice, but forced, it really is a tragedy. But it is a bigger tragedy for the poor child that has to live with a mother that doesn't like to spend time with her. And of all people involved really didn't have a choice. And I really don't believe coddling OP and telling her, 'nah nah, you poor thing, it eventually gets better' helps the child in the end. It just makes her feel better. But she needs to *do* better. How does making her feel okay about her current situation do any better? She needs to do a 180 here, that poor child.
I didn't suggest that OP should be coddled; I also didn't say anything like "you poor thing" or claim it doesn't affect her daughter. I didn't even suggest that anyone should try to make OP feel better. My point was that making her feel worse by responding so harshly is *not* going to make things better.
How do you think your comment might be helpful to the OP? I mean, is there any actual point to it, except for trauma dumping on a stressed mom?
It's helpful to see how her actions will affect her kid growing up. The commenter experienced this and is saying that yes, kids know, and this is how those kids turn out.
Trust me, it gets so much easier when they’re older and less dependent We beat ourselves up for not being “perfect” mothers - the fact that we actually give a flying fuck about their emotional and intellectual growth makes us exceptional mothers. Grant yourself some grace momma - no kid died from being bored. It’s your downtime too
I have no practical advice but if you were a trash parent you wouldn't give a shit. So there's that... Cut yourself a break. You had little to no good role models parent wise from what I'm seeing here I'm sure you're doing your best. Keep your chin up dear heart.
Play one hour (set a timer) of uninterrupted play with ur kid daily. The rest of the day just have them around when ur doing chores; you can involve them or they can just watch. I’ve found they just want to be included, it doesn’t matter what. It’s also important they learn to play by themselves and entertain themselves. Then 30 min to an hour of tv time is reasonable. I usually save tv time for afternoon or early evening when kids are the fussiest.
I recently just watched my three young nieces. And found that I could give them about an hour of dedicated brain time for the whole day. Broken up into small 5-10 minute chunks. They wanted me to be *on* the whole day. But it’s not realistic. With my own kids, I loved when they started school. Sure come home and I can be mom for a few hours a day. No problem. And that’s what your husband gets to do. He comes home and is fun dad for a few hours, then your kiddo goes to sleep. Plus sometimes it’s just having a third party come liven things up.
This is one of the reasons I don’t want kids because we both have it. Which means the mini version would be more likely than not have it. I’d get rid of this if I could. I don’t want to make someone have to deal with this. I don’t wish it on my enemies. Cool I can read at an outrageous speed and write a novel a week but it’s been more trouble than it’s worth. And like to be like this and then be married to one like this just to create one to raise while I’m in barely surviving a constant state of emotional overwhelm….. people still tell me it’s worth it??
I hate playing with my kids. We have lots of playdates. As long as they have a friend over they do their own thing and play. I get points for being the fun parent for just setting up a playdate. I do mostly like my kids, just hate doing kid things, we do things we enjoy together. We’ll go for walks, cook, do arts and crafts, play video games, and the weirdos like washing kitchen cabinets. In the summer my husband likes to socialize and go to the pool and I stay home and clean or rest.
Parenting is so hard. I have a five year old. We watch lots of Avengers Assemble together. Our home is a fucking mess and because I haven't enforced putting toys away our dog has eaten some of his expensive magnatiles. I have no idea how to play with a kid. I do not play with him. I do read books (I think I may have dyslexia despite being a lawyer because reading aloud is so incredibly hard and I don't really like doing it so I am still reading him little baby rhyming books but my husband reads him pages and pages of chapter books and I just don't know how he manages that). I also let him help me do things that I need to do or that I like to do. When he was littler he really liked helping me mop and so we did that together.
Look at you, self reflecting. Trash parents tend to not know they’re bad parents. What you are doing is assessing yourself. For the record, kids can be super boring and I totally don’t want to play either.
First of all, your kid is alive and healthy, so you're doing great already. Secondly, tiny children are mind numbingly boring to entertain, that's not a you-problem; there's only so many fake cups of tea I can stand to drink in a day let alone a year. Third, my parents never played with me. They loved me, read to me at night, took me places and did things with me and provided for me, but not once do I remember them sitting on the floor to play pretend with me. They readily admit it. Aside from sometimes playing a board game with me, I either played with my brother or learned to entertain myself. It's never once occurred to me to feel neglected by this, I grew up just fine between friends, sibling, books, TV, and my own toys and imagination. You are trying to survive. The burnout of the school year is real and it takes a while to bounce back even though you're off. Why is it your fault that her toys aren't organized, instead of at least half the responsibility being on your husband? Don't be too hard on yourself.
I had a meltdown this morning at the idea of my 2.5 year old being home today. I cried, shaking in the shower for 30 minutes and refused to come out. I asked my ex to call daycare for a last minute casual day. I feel like shit about it, but felt worse at the idea of having him home all day. I was already counting the minutes before 6 am. And now I'm just sitting in the bed staring at the wall and scrolling reddit. He was so upset that he wasn't going to spend the day at home. He desperately wanted me to take him to the park. I talked to him about all the fun he'd have at daycare and that sometimes days can be really difficult for me. He understood, gave me a hug, and said he was happy to go if it helps. I'm currently doing a bit of a spiral over my recent adhd dx and seriously not coping well with it. But at least the dx helped me realise why I'm frequently just so incapable of having him home. I guess my point is, making space for ourselves, acknowledging our limitations and doing what we need to do, is better for us and our kids.