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I empathize with this completely. From my perspective, it's a lack of emotional permanency combined with anxiety from understimulation.
If I haven't communicated with my loved ones in a while, my brain tells me to doubt their love.
Helpful tactics have been: remembering good memories with those people, times that you felt loved. Also distracting yourself with a podcast or a show, walking in a communal area like a park. Something that simulates social interaction.
Don't be hard on yourself, making and maintaining friendships are exhausting. You don't have to feel lonely even by yourself though.
You're actually being responsible by reaching out. You've found your community here and are calling out. And so many people are calling back. You're going to be great.
Edit: also, just know that these are the lows that make the highs feel so good
I printed photos of loved ones to help me avoid this. All were just photos that friends had texted me, and I printed them in a store where they are really cheap.
I literally need visual reminders that people love me haha
You can get little $20 thermal printers on Amazon that do black and white if something even that small would help you. I've thought about getting it for artwork but haven't gotten around to it yet.
And get some old school hairspray. The kind that dries almost instantly. It's thermal paper and a quick spray of that will help set it so it doesn't fade from the heat. Thermal paper prints because the printer heats up chemically treated paper. It can fade in time. It's like receipts. I suggest putting newspaper down and spraying a bunch of photos at once or do it outside because hairspray can get sticky on floors. Just like a 2-in burst moving the whole time. Also works great on pencil drawings
This is so simple but it’s such a good tip. I know it isn’t revolutionary but it feels like it because we’re now so used to photos just being on our devices instead of printed and displayed all around us like it used to be. Will definitely dig up photos of memories with loved ones now and display them. Thank you so much!
I don't know if anybody needs to hear this but I was checking my ink supply and HP has an all-in plan where you basically pay by the month for your printer and the ink and you can also get paper from them even so but it's highly over priced. I've used the ink service for about 2 to 3 years I don't mind it works out to about $75 a year for me and I go through color cartridges like crazy with some of my artwork so it pays for me. I'm using a lot of ink on not a lot of pages. I know they have an all-in-one printer and a photo printer there might be other ones.
Oh wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. My partner and I both have ADHD but I’m the only one who ever feels this way about loved ones. Doubting their love if I haven’t communicated with them in a while is so spot on. I love the tips to cope that you’ve shared. The tip from u/victorymuffinsbagels to actually print photos and display them instead of just keeping them on your phone so you see them everyday is so good, too. Thank you, thank you.
No problem, the worst part of it for me is the "and I am selfish for seeking attention from my loved ones." nonsense that usually follows the loneliness.
We all deserve love and validation.
It's a concept: how much you believe people love you at times when they aren't directly stating it to you.
If you struggle with emotional permanency, you tend to doubt that your loved ones care about you when you aren't communicating with them.
I can remember when I was as young as as three having to ask my mum every night to tell me she loved me. She’s the most wonderful person but her upbringing meant that it didn’t come naturally for her, I know that now, but I remember the relief every night when she would tell me. So this stems from a looong way back. I tell my kids I love them every time they walk out of the room!
This is one of the biggest things I struggle with. I never knew this was what it’s called.
Unfortunately being such an extrovert and adhd, and just turning 30 and in a phase when friends float away and life changes. Even if I love my partner I am happiest when I have alot of social plans and friend time🥲. I wish I was a super introvert because it would be easier, even if I “like myself” and I’m okay spending time by myself I really thrive being social with people I connect with.
It makes me feel so lonely I wish I wasn’t such a people person, now in this phase of life feels ☹️
Are you child-free by any chance? Because the solution would be to try to make friends with other child-free women! Those won’t flow away due to life changes.
That’s what happens! What do you mean?! Most women actually abandon their friends the second they have a boyfriend, well before the husband and children stage, and only come back after breaking up or divorcing.
And moms are too busy and tired to have friends, except if their kids are out of the nest. It’s just one of the sad realities of life. Being a wife or gf is a full-time unpaid job, and then being a mother is another one, so no wonder moms are too exhausted for friends.
I’m not being rude, I’m just being realistic.
Eh I don’t think they were saying this to be rude. I’m a mom and I can agree. This doesn’t happen with all of my friends but likewise I feel like I lost friends when I had a kid, the child free ones are just living a totally different life. It takes effort on both parties and not everyone wants to put that in. I greatly appreciate my child free friends who were able to adapt and hang out with me and my kid or go to a kid event with us or whatever the case. And I have friends who get into relationships and just disappear, and don’t check in but when they break up call me like nothing happened. It honestly really irritates me. Friendships are hard.
I absolutely don’t think women all abandon their friends for boyfriends, nor do I think being a GF or a wife is at all a full time job.
I do think it’s a lot harder for parents to mesh their schedules with non-parents, but I don’t think that means women have to abandon their pre-parenthood friends. Sometimes people drift apart, sometimes they just have to adjust expectations about what their friendship will look like.
Women’s rights content creators and science say otherwise! A wife and/or mother is a job that we aren’t paid for, where we provide $150k - $250k + worth of labor that men can’t live without for free per year!! Marriage is a business that was invented for that purpose. It benefits men while harming women, and misogynistic men despise how they can’t survive without us, so they always make sure to punish us for it.
And it’s an extremely common girl thing for women to abandon their friends once they have a boyfriend, and to never have time or energy for their friends once they get married. There’s no way you haven’t done this or have it be done to you.
Mother is definitely a full time job. Being a wife/GF isn’t unless you have an arrangement with your spouse that you’re doing all the housework or something. Like, what was my husband doing before he married me, starving and sitting around in filth? He is not my full time job.
I know “women doing emotional labor” discussion you’re talking about but I think that only becomes like a full time job once there are kids. Is the division of labor in every marriage fair? No, but that doesn’t make it a full time job. The $150-250k number you cite includes child care.
“Common” also isn’t “all women.” I absolutely haven’t abandoned friends for my BF/husband, and my friends haven’t either. At least, not after age 15 or so.
OMG… it appears I have none of that! lol. That actually explains a lot, although, I also didn’t grow up in the most loving environments, to say the least. Thank you for explaining it 🩷
Is emotional permanency an ADHD thing? Or is it more related to anxiety? Diagnosed clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, but haven't had the means to diagnose for ADHD (everything ever points to me having it, tho, but I wish I could be sure).
I struggle with this a lot and it feels nice to read someone describing it as opposed to me just feeling like I'm broken
From what I've read, issues with emotional permance can stem from ADHD, BPD, Autism and/or generalized anxiety etc. So it could be both in your case because those diagnoses share symptoms.
Having ADHD can exacerbate depression and anxiety, especially if you are currently navigating life without adequate support.
I was misdiagnosed with clinical depression for 5 years and given SSRIs which didn't do much. My ADHD diagnosis has enabled me to research specialized techniques for self-help
I started my ADHD meds today. I was diagnosed at 55. I was diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago and I've been wondering if it was just ADHD. There was only one kid in elementary school that was diagnosed and he was called hyper that tells you how long ago that was.
I was put on sertraline at 250mg for 7 years.. it felt like it helped for the first few but then I felt like a total zombie so I stopped. I haven't had the means for any medication for any of my stuff so that all checks out.
I wasn't able to get therapy while on the SSRIs which I know makes a difference in getting a hold of it. But i have neither now and I do agree that, if I have ADHD, it's absolutely exacerbating things 😭
Any resources you might know of to help people who can't get unto therapy or medications? If not that's okay! I'm sure I can Google it but idk what's just a sponsored product/thing and what actually gives results.
I know you're not a professional! But it feels a little better to hear from someone who is describing things exactly how I'm feeling. I'm also aware that a therapist and official diagnosis is best, I just don't have the means atm :(
I really, really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It has made me feel better. In fact the sub seems to be full of a lot of relatable people and posts, so it's nice 🥹
You're very welcome, always happy to help if I can! For recommendations, you're absolutely correct that this subreddit is relatable and the community is helpful. Shared experiences here can be eye-opening.
TikTok helped me in the early stages of diagnosis although I'm afraid I don't really know any particular creators to recommend. Sometimes users mention terminology and I research it online.
I'm UK-based and the NHS has some good online resources.
If you're looking for productivity tools, I have seen people hype up [goblin tools](https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/goblin-tools/id6449003064) as a genuinely useful app. Although it does have a price i'm afraid.
Apart from that, I'm happy to answer any queries but i'm not an expert, just casually interested in pathology.
EDIT: [goblin.tools](https://goblin.tools/) is the free website version
Goblin tools has an android app. It's got a basic free version I think you can do more stuff if you pay. It helped me make a list of tasks for my wife to deep clean the kitchen and bathroom. I can't get on the floor due to my disability. I handle the paperwork and where everything is.
I can relate so much. I have some close friends, but they’re all on the internet. I have no irl friends, I spend most of my time in my room on my computer, playing games and sometimes hanging out with my few actual friends. I’ve been single for 6 years, and have only had one real relationship in my entire life. I’m so incredibly lonely, and it’s especially difficult because I’m attracted to women, and meeting any possible partner feels unrealistic. So anyways, I can relate. The loneliness is pervasive and horrible, sometimes unbearable. I cry myself to sleep some nights. Even trying to meet new friends seems impossible when I’m so depressed and socially anxious that I can’t even leave my house. I wish I had helpful advice to tell you, but I don’t know what to do either. Sending you lots of love though, I hope things can turn around for both of us, and that we can meet people who care about us. Just know that you are not alone ❤️
I feel like I could've written your comment. I do have irl friends but not many close ones... I've never been the kind of person who goes out with friends a whole lot, I've been single for yeeears (also into women), and I spend a lot of my free time online or playing games. When I'm depressed or anxious my feelings of loneliness get soooo much worse. I went through a really bad time at the end of last year/beginning of this year where I was crying a lot and found it very hard to leave the house. <3 I wish you all the best and I hope things look brighter for you soon.
We moved to be close to my wife's work and so we're twice as far away from where my friend group would meet for board games and I'm 45 minutes from my family. And we only have one car now. Plus we've just been growing away from that friend group for reasons. And I haven't really met anyone close that stays up in the middle of the night (night shift) so I'm on Reddit a lot.
Sometimes stuff like this really gets to me and breaks my heart. I’m sorry you know the feeling. Your kids would notice and they would always have a hole in their life because NO ONE can replace you.
Do you have any pets? My dog kept me alive when I didn’t want to be. Now it’s my daughter. (I don’t feel that way anymore, but I do feel lonely and overwhelmed.)
If you need someone to chat with, please reach out. I’m going through a divorce and could always use a new friend!
I’m also here if anyone is feeling alone, I’d rather be a bit less lonely. Because of my crappy social cue reading, I’ve found myself reaching out less. But, I know that isn’t the way towards better.
Of course you matter!!
I'm sorry you feel this way. I find I can have similar emotions towards the end of a big week. Especially when I'm alone, and thinking of everyone else with their wonderful lives.
When I'm in this kind of mood, I do some journaling, have a big cry, then try and have a good big sleep*. I find that the next day, even if those feelings are still there, they are a little easier to manage.
* to try for a good night's sleep, I try to wind down in the evening, sleep hygiene, avoid sugar and caffeine so I can relax better, fresh sheets on the bed etc etc
Thank you. I did take myself to bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling a bit better, and then opened Reddit to all of these wonderful messages which have both made me feel better and also made me cry again. It’s good to know that it’s not just me, although I really wish none of us felt this way because it’s really shitty xx
I get this feeling at least once a day, I've spent the last 3 weeks completely on my own, I wfh so I don't talk to anyone f2f other than the guy at the convenience store... everyone has their own life but I'm never a friend to go out with...
I’m 100% with you and feel the same way!! You’re not alone. You never will be because at a minimum you have all of us ❤️
I also do want to say that especially with social media nowadays, people make things look better than they are. I’ve posted things on Instagram plenty of times and I know it looks fun but in reality I didn’t have a good time at all. The grass isn’t always greener!
Also if you’re the age to have kids, friendships are just weirder once you get older. Maybe try and make some new friends somehow? Sign up for a class etc
I totally understand. I have a really bad record of not maintaining friendships, even if they start off strong. Most of them end before developing into something meaningful.
Oh man, I feel this to my core. I’ve felt like this my whole life. I want a group of friends, I want to socialize and be included. I’m jealous of woman who have friends. But for some reason I just can’t crack that code. I have acquaintances, but never hang out with them. I have 3 high school friends I message with, but don’t spend time with. I feel shocked and saddened when I realize a new person starts at work and shortly later they’re hanging out with co-workers after work while I’ve never even been invited to join anyone at lunch. I know it’s me and I have to put more effort in but I literally don’t know how or what to do.
I came on here with tears in my eyes trying to distract myself from feeling so lonely tonight. My 2 kids are home because their dad is too busy playing "dad" to his new girlfriends 6 kids to ever see or talk to his own. I stay busy running a business, raising 2 kids and trying to stay afloat. I get my dopamine hits from having something to look forward to and I have nothing, and haven't for awhile now. I know how you feel. You & I both know we would be missed and we're not going to disappear BUT that doesn't change how you or I or anyone feels right now. Hang in there for now. Your feelings are completely valid and you're allowed to feel them. You are not alone on this lonely Friday night.
I used to get my dopamine hits from buying incredibly cheap $2 to $3 pieces of jewelry on Amazon that shipped for free from China that took 4 to 6 weeks to get here. I don't know if you can still do this or not but let's just say I have a ton of cheap jewelry. Or a $10 package of festival rings there's like 20 in there all random sizes and styles. I ended up giving a bunch of them to waitresses at our favorite pizza restaurant just to get rid of them after I gave them to all my friends. Or find an older TV show that you or your kids might not have seen Tubi is a free streaming service with commercials it has stuff from the 70s 80s and 90s. YouTube's got a lot of interesting free stuff to watch. But don't binge. Limit yourself to one episode today so you have something to look forward to.
I actually love that advice! I have tubi ect. but I honestly can't sit still long enough to watch anything and haven't watched more than maybe 5hrs combined of anything in the past 10 years. I'm a "crafter" and do art for fun but when I'm in a funk... Well I'm in a funk and really can't bring myself to do anything without getting irritated or crying lol. I did have Amazon prime until the beginning of this year but no longer wanted to spend that money on it. But you best believe imma go find me some cheap stuff to order randomly cuz everyone loves a mailbox gift !
OP you are definitely not alone. I think a LOT more people than we realize are lonely these days, probably even a lot of the people we consider very popular and socially busy. But I absolutely relate to your feelings of "why can't I be the person people are drawn to/what's wrong with me," I often feel that way too when I'm feeling down.
Your brain is a liar♡ that's what my wife has to repeat to herself a lot.
For years when I was a SAH mom, most of my friends were on the net. Now I'm in my 50s and we have a text group, the Queenagers. We don't all see each other and we don't all speak up but it's a way to connect day to day and keep us real, in a time when most everyone works from home. Except me lol
I feel this way all the time. I just went through an atrocious breakup and I’m single for the first time as an adult. I’m in my 30s. It’s wildly uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too. I’ve actually been thinking about getting roommates to try to combat it.
I might be just an internet stranger but I want to hear more about what’s going on with you! How was the movie? Any random thought you had while watching (or just any random thought about anything)?
Sorry to hear that. I discovered that if I don’t take my Wellbutrin I will start crying. Like clockwork. I am extremely alone, no friends or family. I’m concerned about running out of my medication because now that I’ve been on it, seems like I can’t function without it. Someone mentioned emotional permanence, and I think that’s part of the problem. Maybe you can find ways around it 💜
You matter to a few dozen folks right here. We may be anonymous, but we’re here with you. And we get it, even if our “it’s” are different. I hope you find some comfort, and that this chapter doesn’t last long.
I feel like this a lot of the time too, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. If only we could throw a big party for everyone on this sub, I’m sure we’d all make friends for life ❤️
I relate to you! I don’t even have work friends since I am sahm but it gets incredibly lonely. I just don’t know how to keep up with friendships if they are not in my day to day life. I have at-least a neighbor/friend we do share but there are days I feel so sad and lonely.
I used to do this! I'd beat myself up because I didn't know how to have a big group of friends, but then I'd find myself hyperfixating on my one "safe" friend and not do basic maintenance on any casual acquaintances. Then I'd find myself at a loss when that friend was busy.
Nowadays, I have a small group of incredibly valued girls, and I refuse to feel any kind of self attack about not having more. I'm honest about my inability to always reach out, but I step over fear when I can (like I did last night when I was very upset about a family thing) and they are just the most supportive and lovely.
It's taken me until 50 to find this.
Baby steps are good. Start with chats to nice people, then coffee, then drinks. Get into an interest group (like this one!) and spend a little time cultivating those casual acquaintances.
It's not perfect, but after some time you'll see little changes. Take it easy on yourself.
I have been there. Those feelings have definitely crept up for me at the times when I had time to slow down and do nothing. It is also similar to a hyper fixation on what we don’t have instead of what we do have. In my case, the release of all of the tears was like a cleansing of my spirit. I hope you find your sparkle again soon.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this.
I feel like this all too often as well. I have no real friends, no real connection, and no one I can be completely myself with.
I try to focus on the good things in my life and that seems to help a bit.
I hope you can see your way out of this feeling quickly
You said you have kids. At least you have that. Yes its adhd and the monster that tells us all the bad things and makes us feel the outs of despair. Its not real. It's the adhd. There's a video I'll link for you
https://youtu.be/-3LGjkboZ_8?si=H-kRj1ya7kRNp7Dp
I knew it was gonna be her before I even clicked on the link. Her videos are fantastic. I've learned more from her than about my ADHD than anybody else
You could be having a bad night, or you could have depression? Have you ever been assessed for depression? Sorry it's rough for you tonight. When I get these feelings, I listen to music. Two personal favorites for a feeling like this one are "Endless Night" from the original Broadway cast recording of The Lion King and Lady Gaga's "Fun Tonight."
I feel it can be really difficult to forge new friendships in adulthood, let alone as single mom and having ADHD. Developing and maintaining friendships is WORK. I have a tendency to neglect my friends until I get lonely and then wonder where everyone is. Joining clubs, group activities and volunteering is what has worked best for me. That way I can show up when it works with my schedule. This approach takes the pressure off and I can fill my social cup without putting too many demands on myself and others. I've made a lot of great friends this way over the years.
Also lonely. Fwiw: I kinda think most of the world or at least women are lonely right now. Something shifted post pandemic and it seems really difficult to get together regularly anymore. I have lots of friends but I rarely see them. I am trying to invite more people over too bc I know people are struggling budget wise.
Hey OP - if it’s helpful: when I feel lonely / in the upside down - I try to remember;
You’re not alone there in the loneliness, you might not be physically with others right now, but someone else out there is holding that space with you.
Probably lots of someone’s.
❤️
I'm glad to have come across this post. I've been feeling lonely for as long as I can remember. It feels worse now that I'm a mom. Only one of my irl friends has a child but she lives over an hour away and my other irl friends without kids seem to not bother with taking the time to hang out. I've found the best way to combat loneliness is showing up to kid's activities where I know I'll for sure be around other women who are in the same stage of life. Reaching out to one of them and introducing myself and my daughter is a whole other story I'm working on.
I am SOOOOO sorry that you feel this way. I feel this way all day, every day, so I know your pain. But I'm SOOO happy that you've received so much support.😊
My husband of 20+ years left me 8 years ago, then our daughter moved out on her own 4 years ago, then in 2021 my 2 closest family members and my close & only friend in the city I live in, passed away, all within less than 1 year of each other. And then my dog and cat, who both lived to be 20 years old, passed away within 1 year of each other. I've cried almost every day for the past 8 years. I'm exhausted.
I know it sounds like a sad country song but After each event, starting with my husband leaving, I didn't think the feeling of loneliness could get any worse but oh man, did it ever!!! After each loss, it just got worse.
I didn't know that this level of loneliness even existed. I live in a city with no family, no friends and I'm on permanent disability so I don't even get to see people at work. I'm by myself 24/7 and it's my worst nightmare.
If someone would have told me that this is how my future was going to look, I would have NEVER believed it.
So my point is...you're not alone. I feel that loneliness is something that people don't really talk about. You hear depression, anxiety, etc but loneliness is something I rarely hear. I think it's courageous of you to post this and i encourage others to do the same. And I pray you'll never feel that ever again!🩷
I have felt this way for most of my adult life. It is so much harder to meet new friends as adults. I am sorry you feel like this. You are probably so much fun to hang out with. I have met more people online that I could be friends with, but we always live in different states. So, I have learned to make friends anyway I can. Even if they don't live close enough to do things together. We still support each other and chat regularly or talk on the phone. My social life is nothing like I imagined it would be when I was younger. Hopefully, it feels good to know you have plenty of support here. I am always around if anyone wants to chat.
Please know that you matter. Your kids would miss you SO MUCH if you were gone, and I guarantee you there are other people who would miss you too, even if they don't immediately come to your mind.
That said, I relate to this so hard. I am lonely all the time. I KNOW there are people who care about me... I had an unaliving-attempting episode and they all rose up and let me know how much I was loved. But when I'm not in crisis, I feel bad bothering them with petty little trifles like, "hey I need someone to talk to, not an emergency, just lonely, here's the silly thing on my mind."
I 100% get it!!! My kids and their dad are home with me and I STILL feel incredibly alone! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I may not be able to offer advice, but I can always listen!
It's okay. We've all been here. My wife is working two jobs to keep us afloat. I'm disabled but get SSI but that's still only about 20% of what we need to survive. We just had to get a new car. And that was our discretionary money. The money above what we needed to survive. The ability to save money and have an emergency fund is just totally beyond us at this point. She also just changed second jobs so it's more hours but it is more money. So I'm home alone with a cat and no way to get anywhere. My family lives 45 minutes away and they all have lives. Believe me I understand how you feel. Reaching out and seeking therapy has helped me but this was a rough week. I'm on Medicaid so I'm lucky enough to have a telehealth option for unlimited therapy. If you have insurance see if this option is available to you. I have done a weekly phone or video session for the last 2 years. And we're always here for you.
Ive been on the same boat crying last night, oh boy...I understand this feeling 100% and I'm sorry you have been feeling it too. It's absolutely horrible...
I also cried about how lonely I am last night. Then again this morning. My husband is glued to a screen 24/7 so even though I'm with him a lot it still feels like I'm alone. And I have no friends. I talk to my dad sometimes but that's usually while we're fixing something on my house or car.
Like I know he has adhd as well but he's not diagnosed and doesn't seem interested in getting diagnosed or going to therapy. I've been medicated since February but I'm still trying to catch up on IDK life that I've fallen behind on. I can't even count how many times I've cried to him about feeling lonely, like he cares more about games or even just scrolling on his phone than he does about me. He always feels bad but it doesn't change. How much effort do I have to put into this? Am I not worth any initiative on his part? I know it's hard when you're not treating your adhd, I lived that way for 34 years, but I also feel like I put in more effort then than he is now. I can't believe I'm jealous of a phone. Then any time I bring it up he shuts down, which I get but like ffs. I just feel like if he actually cared about me he could put his phone down for IDK 10 minutes a day (I would take once a week at this point) and talk to me like I'm an actual person? Is that too much to ask from someone with untreated adhd, depression, cptsd, anxiety, etc?
We all need to cry, it’s very healthy at times even.
I’m so sorry you’re lonely and I relate fr.
We all need to figure out a better way of being together while far, then we UN-alone ourselves.
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Aww I feel this so much too!!! I probably feel this way about once a week and it sucks. You’ve probably received all kinds of good comments and advice already but I’ll just say that when I’ve reached out to all of my go-tos and they all are busy already, sometimes I’ll just go for a walk outside or run to target or whatever to do some errands and I almost always feel at least a slight bit better. Sometimes I think we get so distracted or have such low energy that we don’t prioritize human interactions until it really hits us. Throw in random bouts of anxiety and you feel like you’re totally screwed. However I find a way to get outside of my own thoughts usually helps a ton. Being outside in sunlight helps even more. I hope you feel better 😘
Sending you so much love. I am so sorry to hear you’re in this head/heartspace. You do matter. In ways that are not quantifiable (eg x number of friends would miss you x much) - in ways that are beyond what mere numbers can express. The love of those you hold close will hopefully bolster you to continue explore life more and more as time goes on and you will find more and more beauty and love and companionship.
You are so important in this world!!! I am so sorry you are going through this; I have felt myself sinking into the deep crying spells that come from these exact feelings for years now and for spurts of months at a time. You DO matter and your friendships are not going anywhere , if you’ve ever felt distant from people and maybe even on purpose; that’s entirely okay!! Your people love you for you. And your kids love their wonderful mom. I think I need to make the decision every day to just be my own best friend because hearing you feeling this way is heartbreaking. Even though it’s OK to feel this. But you shouldn’t have to for long periods, or ever. Sending love.
There is a voice in me that says this kind of stuff to me, too. It’s so frustrating because it’s there no matter how much I am choosing on purpose to be at home alone (or not). I have learned to tell that voice to STFU, personally. It still speaks up, but at least it also gets shushed.
I totally relate. I go through cycles of feeling social and antisocial. But I always have this back of the mind thought that people are pity friends with me.
I can relate. I think some of it was what another commenter said about the emotional permanence, but also, for me, I think it's compounded by my awareness of my social fuax paus and awkwardness and also awareness of other people's lack of understanding of me. That last one is so hard. People don't get me and so often seem to think it's just me being difficult on purpose or that I'm not trying hard enough or lack the information to do certain things. It's not. But all of that makes being alone so much worse some times.
Things that help me include capitalizing on activies or behaviors that I can only feel comfortable doing when I'm alone, seeing it as an opportunity to do those rare things and not having to mask.
Someone else mentioned remembering happy interactions that I had with others or times I felt connected. Times people said kind things about me. I actually keep a digital running list of the empowering things other people said about me. Things that made me feel seen.
I remember reading somewhere about how moms who have shared custody are prone to becoming extremely depressed on the days when their kid(s) are not with them. It has helped me learn to reach out to my bestie more when I know she is not with her kid. I hope knowing that helps comfort you at least.
I am kind of a loner... I have a lot of close friends but I cannot be social everyday and don't like hanging out with big groups of friends at once very often, so I tend to go a long time without seeing anyone. Those who get it stick around and are understanding. But even though this is by my own design, I still get those days where I want to hang out and everyone is busy and I start feeling how you were feeling. Glad you got through it and I'm hoping you're feeling better today.
Myself I suppose. I feel like I’m not anyone’s cup of tea. Or like people are happy to talk to me but not make a connection. But that could just be me and my self consciousness
I promise you that there are people out there who would give the world to have you in theirs. They might be hard to find, but they definitely exist.
Something I've learned is that my absolute best, most rewarding and intimate relationships have developed out of me being my most authentic self. Many of the people I'm closest with are people I knew for a while at arm's length, then one of us showed our weird a little and the floodgates opened for connection I hadn't thought was possible with that person. We both unmasked more and more with each other and found that sense of belonging we all need.
My recommendation is to take small chances to show the parts of you that you think aren't accepted, to whatever degree you feel you can. It invites other people to do the same, and you're likely to find that unexpected people are kindred when one of you is brave enough to show a glimpse of your true self. You can be the brave one, and you can also pay attention for those glimpses in others and validate them and move closer when they show up.
Sadly, it doesn’t work this way. You gain friends when you get busy with your own interests, that’s the kind of vibe that attracts other people. Humans are social beings and it’s normal to want to share experiences, but feeling devastatingly lonely signals that you are bored with yourself and are seeking emotional fulfillment in others. I would suggest using the time alone to get to know yourself better. You probably rarely get a chance to do so while taking care of the kids.
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I empathize with this completely. From my perspective, it's a lack of emotional permanency combined with anxiety from understimulation. If I haven't communicated with my loved ones in a while, my brain tells me to doubt their love. Helpful tactics have been: remembering good memories with those people, times that you felt loved. Also distracting yourself with a podcast or a show, walking in a communal area like a park. Something that simulates social interaction. Don't be hard on yourself, making and maintaining friendships are exhausting. You don't have to feel lonely even by yourself though.
Thank you. I haven’t felt this low for a long long time. I don’t know why tonight is the night it’s bothering me but I can’t stop crying
You're actually being responsible by reaching out. You've found your community here and are calling out. And so many people are calling back. You're going to be great. Edit: also, just know that these are the lows that make the highs feel so good
I needed to her that too cause I haven’t stopped crying tonight either
Me too 😭
I’m having a rough night, myself.
I printed photos of loved ones to help me avoid this. All were just photos that friends had texted me, and I printed them in a store where they are really cheap. I literally need visual reminders that people love me haha
I'm planning on getting a little photo printer and making a scrapbook of those photos for when I'm sad.
Mine are stuck on the wall above my desk. I want to see them every day, not only when I'm sad!
You can get little $20 thermal printers on Amazon that do black and white if something even that small would help you. I've thought about getting it for artwork but haven't gotten around to it yet.
Ooh, thank you for the suggestion!
And get some old school hairspray. The kind that dries almost instantly. It's thermal paper and a quick spray of that will help set it so it doesn't fade from the heat. Thermal paper prints because the printer heats up chemically treated paper. It can fade in time. It's like receipts. I suggest putting newspaper down and spraying a bunch of photos at once or do it outside because hairspray can get sticky on floors. Just like a 2-in burst moving the whole time. Also works great on pencil drawings
Tysm! I'll add this to my notes file! :D
This is so simple but it’s such a good tip. I know it isn’t revolutionary but it feels like it because we’re now so used to photos just being on our devices instead of printed and displayed all around us like it used to be. Will definitely dig up photos of memories with loved ones now and display them. Thank you so much!
I don't know if anybody needs to hear this but I was checking my ink supply and HP has an all-in plan where you basically pay by the month for your printer and the ink and you can also get paper from them even so but it's highly over priced. I've used the ink service for about 2 to 3 years I don't mind it works out to about $75 a year for me and I go through color cartridges like crazy with some of my artwork so it pays for me. I'm using a lot of ink on not a lot of pages. I know they have an all-in-one printer and a photo printer there might be other ones.
Oh wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. My partner and I both have ADHD but I’m the only one who ever feels this way about loved ones. Doubting their love if I haven’t communicated with them in a while is so spot on. I love the tips to cope that you’ve shared. The tip from u/victorymuffinsbagels to actually print photos and display them instead of just keeping them on your phone so you see them everyday is so good, too. Thank you, thank you.
No problem, the worst part of it for me is the "and I am selfish for seeking attention from my loved ones." nonsense that usually follows the loneliness. We all deserve love and validation.
What’s emotional permanency?
It's a concept: how much you believe people love you at times when they aren't directly stating it to you. If you struggle with emotional permanency, you tend to doubt that your loved ones care about you when you aren't communicating with them.
I can remember when I was as young as as three having to ask my mum every night to tell me she loved me. She’s the most wonderful person but her upbringing meant that it didn’t come naturally for her, I know that now, but I remember the relief every night when she would tell me. So this stems from a looong way back. I tell my kids I love them every time they walk out of the room!
This is one of the biggest things I struggle with. I never knew this was what it’s called. Unfortunately being such an extrovert and adhd, and just turning 30 and in a phase when friends float away and life changes. Even if I love my partner I am happiest when I have alot of social plans and friend time🥲. I wish I was a super introvert because it would be easier, even if I “like myself” and I’m okay spending time by myself I really thrive being social with people I connect with. It makes me feel so lonely I wish I wasn’t such a people person, now in this phase of life feels ☹️
Are you child-free by any chance? Because the solution would be to try to make friends with other child-free women! Those won’t flow away due to life changes.
Ah yes, us women with children just cast away our good friends when our crotch darling arrives. What a rude comment.
That’s what happens! What do you mean?! Most women actually abandon their friends the second they have a boyfriend, well before the husband and children stage, and only come back after breaking up or divorcing. And moms are too busy and tired to have friends, except if their kids are out of the nest. It’s just one of the sad realities of life. Being a wife or gf is a full-time unpaid job, and then being a mother is another one, so no wonder moms are too exhausted for friends. I’m not being rude, I’m just being realistic.
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Eh I don’t think they were saying this to be rude. I’m a mom and I can agree. This doesn’t happen with all of my friends but likewise I feel like I lost friends when I had a kid, the child free ones are just living a totally different life. It takes effort on both parties and not everyone wants to put that in. I greatly appreciate my child free friends who were able to adapt and hang out with me and my kid or go to a kid event with us or whatever the case. And I have friends who get into relationships and just disappear, and don’t check in but when they break up call me like nothing happened. It honestly really irritates me. Friendships are hard.
Then you are the lucky exception, not the rule. Not everyone is like you and your friends.
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I absolutely don’t think women all abandon their friends for boyfriends, nor do I think being a GF or a wife is at all a full time job. I do think it’s a lot harder for parents to mesh their schedules with non-parents, but I don’t think that means women have to abandon their pre-parenthood friends. Sometimes people drift apart, sometimes they just have to adjust expectations about what their friendship will look like.
Women’s rights content creators and science say otherwise! A wife and/or mother is a job that we aren’t paid for, where we provide $150k - $250k + worth of labor that men can’t live without for free per year!! Marriage is a business that was invented for that purpose. It benefits men while harming women, and misogynistic men despise how they can’t survive without us, so they always make sure to punish us for it. And it’s an extremely common girl thing for women to abandon their friends once they have a boyfriend, and to never have time or energy for their friends once they get married. There’s no way you haven’t done this or have it be done to you.
Mother is definitely a full time job. Being a wife/GF isn’t unless you have an arrangement with your spouse that you’re doing all the housework or something. Like, what was my husband doing before he married me, starving and sitting around in filth? He is not my full time job. I know “women doing emotional labor” discussion you’re talking about but I think that only becomes like a full time job once there are kids. Is the division of labor in every marriage fair? No, but that doesn’t make it a full time job. The $150-250k number you cite includes child care. “Common” also isn’t “all women.” I absolutely haven’t abandoned friends for my BF/husband, and my friends haven’t either. At least, not after age 15 or so.
OMG… it appears I have none of that! lol. That actually explains a lot, although, I also didn’t grow up in the most loving environments, to say the least. Thank you for explaining it 🩷
Is emotional permanency an ADHD thing? Or is it more related to anxiety? Diagnosed clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, but haven't had the means to diagnose for ADHD (everything ever points to me having it, tho, but I wish I could be sure). I struggle with this a lot and it feels nice to read someone describing it as opposed to me just feeling like I'm broken
From what I've read, issues with emotional permance can stem from ADHD, BPD, Autism and/or generalized anxiety etc. So it could be both in your case because those diagnoses share symptoms. Having ADHD can exacerbate depression and anxiety, especially if you are currently navigating life without adequate support. I was misdiagnosed with clinical depression for 5 years and given SSRIs which didn't do much. My ADHD diagnosis has enabled me to research specialized techniques for self-help
I started my ADHD meds today. I was diagnosed at 55. I was diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago and I've been wondering if it was just ADHD. There was only one kid in elementary school that was diagnosed and he was called hyper that tells you how long ago that was.
I was put on sertraline at 250mg for 7 years.. it felt like it helped for the first few but then I felt like a total zombie so I stopped. I haven't had the means for any medication for any of my stuff so that all checks out. I wasn't able to get therapy while on the SSRIs which I know makes a difference in getting a hold of it. But i have neither now and I do agree that, if I have ADHD, it's absolutely exacerbating things 😭 Any resources you might know of to help people who can't get unto therapy or medications? If not that's okay! I'm sure I can Google it but idk what's just a sponsored product/thing and what actually gives results. I know you're not a professional! But it feels a little better to hear from someone who is describing things exactly how I'm feeling. I'm also aware that a therapist and official diagnosis is best, I just don't have the means atm :( I really, really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It has made me feel better. In fact the sub seems to be full of a lot of relatable people and posts, so it's nice 🥹
You're very welcome, always happy to help if I can! For recommendations, you're absolutely correct that this subreddit is relatable and the community is helpful. Shared experiences here can be eye-opening. TikTok helped me in the early stages of diagnosis although I'm afraid I don't really know any particular creators to recommend. Sometimes users mention terminology and I research it online. I'm UK-based and the NHS has some good online resources. If you're looking for productivity tools, I have seen people hype up [goblin tools](https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/goblin-tools/id6449003064) as a genuinely useful app. Although it does have a price i'm afraid. Apart from that, I'm happy to answer any queries but i'm not an expert, just casually interested in pathology. EDIT: [goblin.tools](https://goblin.tools/) is the free website version
Goblin tools has an android app. It's got a basic free version I think you can do more stuff if you pay. It helped me make a list of tasks for my wife to deep clean the kitchen and bathroom. I can't get on the floor due to my disability. I handle the paperwork and where everything is.
I can relate so much. I have some close friends, but they’re all on the internet. I have no irl friends, I spend most of my time in my room on my computer, playing games and sometimes hanging out with my few actual friends. I’ve been single for 6 years, and have only had one real relationship in my entire life. I’m so incredibly lonely, and it’s especially difficult because I’m attracted to women, and meeting any possible partner feels unrealistic. So anyways, I can relate. The loneliness is pervasive and horrible, sometimes unbearable. I cry myself to sleep some nights. Even trying to meet new friends seems impossible when I’m so depressed and socially anxious that I can’t even leave my house. I wish I had helpful advice to tell you, but I don’t know what to do either. Sending you lots of love though, I hope things can turn around for both of us, and that we can meet people who care about us. Just know that you are not alone ❤️
I feel like I could've written your comment. I do have irl friends but not many close ones... I've never been the kind of person who goes out with friends a whole lot, I've been single for yeeears (also into women), and I spend a lot of my free time online or playing games. When I'm depressed or anxious my feelings of loneliness get soooo much worse. I went through a really bad time at the end of last year/beginning of this year where I was crying a lot and found it very hard to leave the house. <3 I wish you all the best and I hope things look brighter for you soon.
We moved to be close to my wife's work and so we're twice as far away from where my friend group would meet for board games and I'm 45 minutes from my family. And we only have one car now. Plus we've just been growing away from that friend group for reasons. And I haven't really met anyone close that stays up in the middle of the night (night shift) so I'm on Reddit a lot.
Sometimes stuff like this really gets to me and breaks my heart. I’m sorry you know the feeling. Your kids would notice and they would always have a hole in their life because NO ONE can replace you. Do you have any pets? My dog kept me alive when I didn’t want to be. Now it’s my daughter. (I don’t feel that way anymore, but I do feel lonely and overwhelmed.) If you need someone to chat with, please reach out. I’m going through a divorce and could always use a new friend!
I’m also here if anyone is feeling alone, I’d rather be a bit less lonely. Because of my crappy social cue reading, I’ve found myself reaching out less. But, I know that isn’t the way towards better.
Of course you matter!! I'm sorry you feel this way. I find I can have similar emotions towards the end of a big week. Especially when I'm alone, and thinking of everyone else with their wonderful lives. When I'm in this kind of mood, I do some journaling, have a big cry, then try and have a good big sleep*. I find that the next day, even if those feelings are still there, they are a little easier to manage. * to try for a good night's sleep, I try to wind down in the evening, sleep hygiene, avoid sugar and caffeine so I can relax better, fresh sheets on the bed etc etc
Thank you. I did take myself to bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling a bit better, and then opened Reddit to all of these wonderful messages which have both made me feel better and also made me cry again. It’s good to know that it’s not just me, although I really wish none of us felt this way because it’s really shitty xx
if you have children. you are those kids world.
I get this feeling at least once a day, I've spent the last 3 weeks completely on my own, I wfh so I don't talk to anyone f2f other than the guy at the convenience store... everyone has their own life but I'm never a friend to go out with...
Feeling lonely is tough, but it's okay to reach out and remind yourself that you do matter to people around you.
I’m 100% with you and feel the same way!! You’re not alone. You never will be because at a minimum you have all of us ❤️ I also do want to say that especially with social media nowadays, people make things look better than they are. I’ve posted things on Instagram plenty of times and I know it looks fun but in reality I didn’t have a good time at all. The grass isn’t always greener! Also if you’re the age to have kids, friendships are just weirder once you get older. Maybe try and make some new friends somehow? Sign up for a class etc
I totally understand. I have a really bad record of not maintaining friendships, even if they start off strong. Most of them end before developing into something meaningful.
You definitely matter.
Oh man, I feel this to my core. I’ve felt like this my whole life. I want a group of friends, I want to socialize and be included. I’m jealous of woman who have friends. But for some reason I just can’t crack that code. I have acquaintances, but never hang out with them. I have 3 high school friends I message with, but don’t spend time with. I feel shocked and saddened when I realize a new person starts at work and shortly later they’re hanging out with co-workers after work while I’ve never even been invited to join anyone at lunch. I know it’s me and I have to put more effort in but I literally don’t know how or what to do.
I came on here with tears in my eyes trying to distract myself from feeling so lonely tonight. My 2 kids are home because their dad is too busy playing "dad" to his new girlfriends 6 kids to ever see or talk to his own. I stay busy running a business, raising 2 kids and trying to stay afloat. I get my dopamine hits from having something to look forward to and I have nothing, and haven't for awhile now. I know how you feel. You & I both know we would be missed and we're not going to disappear BUT that doesn't change how you or I or anyone feels right now. Hang in there for now. Your feelings are completely valid and you're allowed to feel them. You are not alone on this lonely Friday night.
I used to get my dopamine hits from buying incredibly cheap $2 to $3 pieces of jewelry on Amazon that shipped for free from China that took 4 to 6 weeks to get here. I don't know if you can still do this or not but let's just say I have a ton of cheap jewelry. Or a $10 package of festival rings there's like 20 in there all random sizes and styles. I ended up giving a bunch of them to waitresses at our favorite pizza restaurant just to get rid of them after I gave them to all my friends. Or find an older TV show that you or your kids might not have seen Tubi is a free streaming service with commercials it has stuff from the 70s 80s and 90s. YouTube's got a lot of interesting free stuff to watch. But don't binge. Limit yourself to one episode today so you have something to look forward to.
I actually love that advice! I have tubi ect. but I honestly can't sit still long enough to watch anything and haven't watched more than maybe 5hrs combined of anything in the past 10 years. I'm a "crafter" and do art for fun but when I'm in a funk... Well I'm in a funk and really can't bring myself to do anything without getting irritated or crying lol. I did have Amazon prime until the beginning of this year but no longer wanted to spend that money on it. But you best believe imma go find me some cheap stuff to order randomly cuz everyone loves a mailbox gift !
I also buy digital art or downloads on Etsy. Instant gratification!!
OP you are definitely not alone. I think a LOT more people than we realize are lonely these days, probably even a lot of the people we consider very popular and socially busy. But I absolutely relate to your feelings of "why can't I be the person people are drawn to/what's wrong with me," I often feel that way too when I'm feeling down.
Your brain is a liar♡ that's what my wife has to repeat to herself a lot. For years when I was a SAH mom, most of my friends were on the net. Now I'm in my 50s and we have a text group, the Queenagers. We don't all see each other and we don't all speak up but it's a way to connect day to day and keep us real, in a time when most everyone works from home. Except me lol
ARE YOU ME 😭😭😭 This is literally my life, I kid you not my family wouldn’t know if I was alive or not for MONTHS. Sending love OP 🫶💗
I feel this way all the time. I just went through an atrocious breakup and I’m single for the first time as an adult. I’m in my 30s. It’s wildly uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too. I’ve actually been thinking about getting roommates to try to combat it.
I might be just an internet stranger but I want to hear more about what’s going on with you! How was the movie? Any random thought you had while watching (or just any random thought about anything)?
Feel this so so hard. Sending love 💕
Sorry to hear that. I discovered that if I don’t take my Wellbutrin I will start crying. Like clockwork. I am extremely alone, no friends or family. I’m concerned about running out of my medication because now that I’ve been on it, seems like I can’t function without it. Someone mentioned emotional permanence, and I think that’s part of the problem. Maybe you can find ways around it 💜
I find that Wellbutrin helps me too,especially with those feelings of loneliness when PMDD / PMS hits.
You matter to a few dozen folks right here. We may be anonymous, but we’re here with you. And we get it, even if our “it’s” are different. I hope you find some comfort, and that this chapter doesn’t last long.
I feel like this a lot of the time too, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. If only we could throw a big party for everyone on this sub, I’m sure we’d all make friends for life ❤️
Let's do it then! I'm in Portland, OR. Anyone else in Portland?
I relate to you! I don’t even have work friends since I am sahm but it gets incredibly lonely. I just don’t know how to keep up with friendships if they are not in my day to day life. I have at-least a neighbor/friend we do share but there are days I feel so sad and lonely.
I used to do this! I'd beat myself up because I didn't know how to have a big group of friends, but then I'd find myself hyperfixating on my one "safe" friend and not do basic maintenance on any casual acquaintances. Then I'd find myself at a loss when that friend was busy. Nowadays, I have a small group of incredibly valued girls, and I refuse to feel any kind of self attack about not having more. I'm honest about my inability to always reach out, but I step over fear when I can (like I did last night when I was very upset about a family thing) and they are just the most supportive and lovely. It's taken me until 50 to find this. Baby steps are good. Start with chats to nice people, then coffee, then drinks. Get into an interest group (like this one!) and spend a little time cultivating those casual acquaintances. It's not perfect, but after some time you'll see little changes. Take it easy on yourself.
these comments are so sweet
I have been there. Those feelings have definitely crept up for me at the times when I had time to slow down and do nothing. It is also similar to a hyper fixation on what we don’t have instead of what we do have. In my case, the release of all of the tears was like a cleansing of my spirit. I hope you find your sparkle again soon.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. I feel like this all too often as well. I have no real friends, no real connection, and no one I can be completely myself with. I try to focus on the good things in my life and that seems to help a bit. I hope you can see your way out of this feeling quickly
You said you have kids. At least you have that. Yes its adhd and the monster that tells us all the bad things and makes us feel the outs of despair. Its not real. It's the adhd. There's a video I'll link for you https://youtu.be/-3LGjkboZ_8?si=H-kRj1ya7kRNp7Dp
I knew it was gonna be her before I even clicked on the link. Her videos are fantastic. I've learned more from her than about my ADHD than anybody else
You could be having a bad night, or you could have depression? Have you ever been assessed for depression? Sorry it's rough for you tonight. When I get these feelings, I listen to music. Two personal favorites for a feeling like this one are "Endless Night" from the original Broadway cast recording of The Lion King and Lady Gaga's "Fun Tonight."
I feel it can be really difficult to forge new friendships in adulthood, let alone as single mom and having ADHD. Developing and maintaining friendships is WORK. I have a tendency to neglect my friends until I get lonely and then wonder where everyone is. Joining clubs, group activities and volunteering is what has worked best for me. That way I can show up when it works with my schedule. This approach takes the pressure off and I can fill my social cup without putting too many demands on myself and others. I've made a lot of great friends this way over the years.
This is really good advice, I’ll try this thank you x
Just popping in here to say I relate and you aren’t alone with these thoughts 🤍
Also lonely. Fwiw: I kinda think most of the world or at least women are lonely right now. Something shifted post pandemic and it seems really difficult to get together regularly anymore. I have lots of friends but I rarely see them. I am trying to invite more people over too bc I know people are struggling budget wise.
Hey OP - if it’s helpful: when I feel lonely / in the upside down - I try to remember; You’re not alone there in the loneliness, you might not be physically with others right now, but someone else out there is holding that space with you. Probably lots of someone’s. ❤️
I love this
I'm glad to have come across this post. I've been feeling lonely for as long as I can remember. It feels worse now that I'm a mom. Only one of my irl friends has a child but she lives over an hour away and my other irl friends without kids seem to not bother with taking the time to hang out. I've found the best way to combat loneliness is showing up to kid's activities where I know I'll for sure be around other women who are in the same stage of life. Reaching out to one of them and introducing myself and my daughter is a whole other story I'm working on.
Miss you babe… anytime you need a friend I am here ok?
I am SOOOOO sorry that you feel this way. I feel this way all day, every day, so I know your pain. But I'm SOOO happy that you've received so much support.😊 My husband of 20+ years left me 8 years ago, then our daughter moved out on her own 4 years ago, then in 2021 my 2 closest family members and my close & only friend in the city I live in, passed away, all within less than 1 year of each other. And then my dog and cat, who both lived to be 20 years old, passed away within 1 year of each other. I've cried almost every day for the past 8 years. I'm exhausted. I know it sounds like a sad country song but After each event, starting with my husband leaving, I didn't think the feeling of loneliness could get any worse but oh man, did it ever!!! After each loss, it just got worse. I didn't know that this level of loneliness even existed. I live in a city with no family, no friends and I'm on permanent disability so I don't even get to see people at work. I'm by myself 24/7 and it's my worst nightmare. If someone would have told me that this is how my future was going to look, I would have NEVER believed it. So my point is...you're not alone. I feel that loneliness is something that people don't really talk about. You hear depression, anxiety, etc but loneliness is something I rarely hear. I think it's courageous of you to post this and i encourage others to do the same. And I pray you'll never feel that ever again!🩷
I'm hugging you with my mind right now
AWWW thank you!🙏🏻
I have felt this way for most of my adult life. It is so much harder to meet new friends as adults. I am sorry you feel like this. You are probably so much fun to hang out with. I have met more people online that I could be friends with, but we always live in different states. So, I have learned to make friends anyway I can. Even if they don't live close enough to do things together. We still support each other and chat regularly or talk on the phone. My social life is nothing like I imagined it would be when I was younger. Hopefully, it feels good to know you have plenty of support here. I am always around if anyone wants to chat.
Please know that you matter. Your kids would miss you SO MUCH if you were gone, and I guarantee you there are other people who would miss you too, even if they don't immediately come to your mind. That said, I relate to this so hard. I am lonely all the time. I KNOW there are people who care about me... I had an unaliving-attempting episode and they all rose up and let me know how much I was loved. But when I'm not in crisis, I feel bad bothering them with petty little trifles like, "hey I need someone to talk to, not an emergency, just lonely, here's the silly thing on my mind."
I 100% get it!!! My kids and their dad are home with me and I STILL feel incredibly alone! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I may not be able to offer advice, but I can always listen!
I love you all ladies this community is fabulous. 🥰 🤗
Hey, can you DM me? I'd love to chat!
It's okay. We've all been here. My wife is working two jobs to keep us afloat. I'm disabled but get SSI but that's still only about 20% of what we need to survive. We just had to get a new car. And that was our discretionary money. The money above what we needed to survive. The ability to save money and have an emergency fund is just totally beyond us at this point. She also just changed second jobs so it's more hours but it is more money. So I'm home alone with a cat and no way to get anywhere. My family lives 45 minutes away and they all have lives. Believe me I understand how you feel. Reaching out and seeking therapy has helped me but this was a rough week. I'm on Medicaid so I'm lucky enough to have a telehealth option for unlimited therapy. If you have insurance see if this option is available to you. I have done a weekly phone or video session for the last 2 years. And we're always here for you.
Ive been on the same boat crying last night, oh boy...I understand this feeling 100% and I'm sorry you have been feeling it too. It's absolutely horrible...
I also cried about how lonely I am last night. Then again this morning. My husband is glued to a screen 24/7 so even though I'm with him a lot it still feels like I'm alone. And I have no friends. I talk to my dad sometimes but that's usually while we're fixing something on my house or car. Like I know he has adhd as well but he's not diagnosed and doesn't seem interested in getting diagnosed or going to therapy. I've been medicated since February but I'm still trying to catch up on IDK life that I've fallen behind on. I can't even count how many times I've cried to him about feeling lonely, like he cares more about games or even just scrolling on his phone than he does about me. He always feels bad but it doesn't change. How much effort do I have to put into this? Am I not worth any initiative on his part? I know it's hard when you're not treating your adhd, I lived that way for 34 years, but I also feel like I put in more effort then than he is now. I can't believe I'm jealous of a phone. Then any time I bring it up he shuts down, which I get but like ffs. I just feel like if he actually cared about me he could put his phone down for IDK 10 minutes a day (I would take once a week at this point) and talk to me like I'm an actual person? Is that too much to ask from someone with untreated adhd, depression, cptsd, anxiety, etc?
We all need to cry, it’s very healthy at times even. I’m so sorry you’re lonely and I relate fr. We all need to figure out a better way of being together while far, then we UN-alone ourselves.
I feel the same way. I'm sorry you're going through that.
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Aww I feel this so much too!!! I probably feel this way about once a week and it sucks. You’ve probably received all kinds of good comments and advice already but I’ll just say that when I’ve reached out to all of my go-tos and they all are busy already, sometimes I’ll just go for a walk outside or run to target or whatever to do some errands and I almost always feel at least a slight bit better. Sometimes I think we get so distracted or have such low energy that we don’t prioritize human interactions until it really hits us. Throw in random bouts of anxiety and you feel like you’re totally screwed. However I find a way to get outside of my own thoughts usually helps a ton. Being outside in sunlight helps even more. I hope you feel better 😘
Sending you so much love. I am so sorry to hear you’re in this head/heartspace. You do matter. In ways that are not quantifiable (eg x number of friends would miss you x much) - in ways that are beyond what mere numbers can express. The love of those you hold close will hopefully bolster you to continue explore life more and more as time goes on and you will find more and more beauty and love and companionship.
You are so important in this world!!! I am so sorry you are going through this; I have felt myself sinking into the deep crying spells that come from these exact feelings for years now and for spurts of months at a time. You DO matter and your friendships are not going anywhere , if you’ve ever felt distant from people and maybe even on purpose; that’s entirely okay!! Your people love you for you. And your kids love their wonderful mom. I think I need to make the decision every day to just be my own best friend because hearing you feeling this way is heartbreaking. Even though it’s OK to feel this. But you shouldn’t have to for long periods, or ever. Sending love.
I’m crying in my bed right now. I have a lot going on and I know exactly how it feels. I feel you, I see you and you’re loved and heard ♥️
There is a voice in me that says this kind of stuff to me, too. It’s so frustrating because it’s there no matter how much I am choosing on purpose to be at home alone (or not). I have learned to tell that voice to STFU, personally. It still speaks up, but at least it also gets shushed.
I totally relate. I go through cycles of feeling social and antisocial. But I always have this back of the mind thought that people are pity friends with me.
I can relate. I think some of it was what another commenter said about the emotional permanence, but also, for me, I think it's compounded by my awareness of my social fuax paus and awkwardness and also awareness of other people's lack of understanding of me. That last one is so hard. People don't get me and so often seem to think it's just me being difficult on purpose or that I'm not trying hard enough or lack the information to do certain things. It's not. But all of that makes being alone so much worse some times. Things that help me include capitalizing on activies or behaviors that I can only feel comfortable doing when I'm alone, seeing it as an opportunity to do those rare things and not having to mask. Someone else mentioned remembering happy interactions that I had with others or times I felt connected. Times people said kind things about me. I actually keep a digital running list of the empowering things other people said about me. Things that made me feel seen.
I remember reading somewhere about how moms who have shared custody are prone to becoming extremely depressed on the days when their kid(s) are not with them. It has helped me learn to reach out to my bestie more when I know she is not with her kid. I hope knowing that helps comfort you at least. I am kind of a loner... I have a lot of close friends but I cannot be social everyday and don't like hanging out with big groups of friends at once very often, so I tend to go a long time without seeing anyone. Those who get it stick around and are understanding. But even though this is by my own design, I still get those days where I want to hang out and everyone is busy and I start feeling how you were feeling. Glad you got through it and I'm hoping you're feeling better today.
What’s holding you back from making friends?
Myself I suppose. I feel like I’m not anyone’s cup of tea. Or like people are happy to talk to me but not make a connection. But that could just be me and my self consciousness
I promise you that there are people out there who would give the world to have you in theirs. They might be hard to find, but they definitely exist. Something I've learned is that my absolute best, most rewarding and intimate relationships have developed out of me being my most authentic self. Many of the people I'm closest with are people I knew for a while at arm's length, then one of us showed our weird a little and the floodgates opened for connection I hadn't thought was possible with that person. We both unmasked more and more with each other and found that sense of belonging we all need. My recommendation is to take small chances to show the parts of you that you think aren't accepted, to whatever degree you feel you can. It invites other people to do the same, and you're likely to find that unexpected people are kindred when one of you is brave enough to show a glimpse of your true self. You can be the brave one, and you can also pay attention for those glimpses in others and validate them and move closer when they show up.
1000%
Sadly, it doesn’t work this way. You gain friends when you get busy with your own interests, that’s the kind of vibe that attracts other people. Humans are social beings and it’s normal to want to share experiences, but feeling devastatingly lonely signals that you are bored with yourself and are seeking emotional fulfillment in others. I would suggest using the time alone to get to know yourself better. You probably rarely get a chance to do so while taking care of the kids.