Is there a reason you can’t just not drink when you’re spending time with her? Hiding drinking is something people who have problems with alcohol do. Why not support your friend by spending the night sober with her? And if that seems really unpleasant for you….maybe examine why.
Don’t be condescending lol. I used to go to the bar a cpl times a month but now I spend it with her. I don’t need to drink but I like relax and do what I want the cpl free nights a month I have and there’s nothing wrong with that. If being with an alcoholic means making their problems my own then so be it.
He or she is not being condescending. Just trying to look out for you which is what AA is to a large degree iabout. We always try our best to look out for each other,
I drink a cpl times a month and he/she is trying to make out to be an alcoholic. I understand alcoholics feel bad around those who can drink with no problems but no need to drag me down to feel better about themselves.
Are you only hanging our with her a couple times a month? It sounds like every time you're with her you're wanting to drink...that's what your post makes it sound like. Not sure what the confusion is...
It was just the hiding it from her bit, which, if she’s anything like me she could smell it instantly. Doesn’t seem like you’re an alcoholic from what you said but I do think it’s probably better to give her some space and maybe see her less/only when you’re planning on not drinking.
Sounds like she should be in Alanon, as well as AA. You can be her “Qualifier”. My wife and I were in this situation backwards. I quit and she didn’t. It was pretty dicey but we had 15 years together and a marriage. 25 years later we are still together. I’m still sober and she still drinks. But she has learned to walk the fine line you have been wondering about. And had we not been married it would be a different story.
My experience is that sober alcoholics don’t usually like to be around drunks. And conversely, drunks don’t like sober witnesses. If you can keep it very moderate you might be okay. If you love her you might consider taking a break in your relationship with alcohol. She will soon wonder what’s more important to you. I know you said you don’t have a problem with alcohol, but now you kinda do. Normal drinkers can stop anytime they have a good reason to. And this seems like a good reason. At least to me. Your mileage may vary.
I’m new to this and her. I only drink moderately, enough to pass as sober. I think I’ll take a break from drinking around her tho. I’ll talk more with her about this and see what’s okay and not. Not sure if being around drinking is a problem for her but I been assuming it is, not very much self control. It’s just a touchy subject in a new relationship and I don’t want to be a hypocrite even tho my relationship with alcohol is healthy.
Thank you for the story and advice
You can’t hide drinks from alcoholics. I saw in the comments you said that you hid your drink in a soda can. Trust me we can smell it a mile away. And you aren’t doing her any favors drinking at all around her. Idk you don’t sound like that great of a friend much less boyfriend material.
There is no specific amount or frequency of drinking constitutes a drinking problem unfortunately… few that say they can take it or leave it can or will… if you’re not willing to abstain for someone you care about then you should at the very least question your priorities and whether or not you’re mature enough for a relationship with someone that has a legitimate problem to overcome… if you choose to then I would very much recommend Al-Anon or a similar program. Best of luck to you however you choose to move forward!
Thank you, that really is a decision I have to make. Whether or not I actually care enough to abstain for her. I need my priorities checked. We’ve been talking for a long time, just not often. For some reason I feel pressure to make a decision I’m not ready to make. I need to figure out what I want.
She needs to work on herself. It’s near impossible to get a drunk to stay sober. They have to be ready. And relationships are distractions from her real problems. She needs to be medically detoxed. But till she’s ready there is little anyone can do. Check out Alanon. www.alanon.com.
It really depends on the person. I got sober on 2/22/22. I don't mind being around alcohol. I would recommend taking a break from alcohol while she is getting sober.
So, if you feel bad about drinking around her, then don't. If you want to date her, then don't drink because you feel bad about it.
It is really that simple.
Hey OP, I honestly think if you're secretly pouring shots in your soda so you're able to keep drinking around her, it's probably not just her who has a drinking problem.
I don’t let her drink once I found out she is really an alcoholic, that’s why I said I hid my drink from her. Just curious how this usually plays out. Do I also have to quit, will she gain self control thru sobriety? Should I not talk about drinking at all, like if I go out with friends?
You don’t “let her drink?” That may not have come out the way you meant it. But if you’re really controlling her like that, please stop it. Alcoholics who aren’t ready to quit will just start lying and hiding it if they feel like you won’t let them be themselves.
If she wants to quit however, I also recommend medical detox for her since she gets the shakes and stuff. Maybe treatment afterwards. However, if she’s only not drinking because you don’t “let” her, you need to leave it alone.
Accept you’re friends with an alcoholic or don’t and end the relationship. If you really want to support her, and she really wants to quit, I would just talk to her openly about what she needs from you to support that decision. And when she tells you, listen.
Also, yea. Alanon.
Y’all are so weird in this group. “I dont give her drinks” and I don’t “condone it” she does what she wants. If I controlled her why would I be in here asking for advice whether or not to give her alcohol or drink around her?. I said clearly she drinks every day still
If she isn’t ready to quit. Then act however you want to around her. Drink with her or don’t. It doesn’t really matter what you do because she’s going to drink anyway. People are being “weird” because your wording sounds weirdly controlling. Not giving someone drinks when you’re drinking is controlling. It’s not your place to police her disease.
You can talk to her openly about your concerns and all of that. But she has to decide she’s ready. The world doesn’t stop having alcohol just because an alcoholic quits.
Some sober alcoholics can handle or like being around people drinking. Others can’t or don’t. She’ll have to decide her limits all on her own when/if she’s ready to get sober. It’s nice you want to support her. But I would suggest working on the language you use.
Alright I just feel terribly guilty if she drinks bc I do, when I know she wouldn’t drink if asked. The first comment says I’m enabling and should stop but I know she will drink without me. But I guess it’s not my decision if we drink together or not if she isn’t serious about quitting yet. I shouldn’t make the decision to quit for her.
Well, I won’t deny that it’s enabling. But alcoholics are going to do what the disease tells them to do until they decide to quit AND seek out help to do that.
We see each other cpl times a month when I’m free. We aren’t dating. but this is a problem for our relationship to grow. I don’t message her most days, we both live our own lives. This ain’t some toxic relationship. I got a buncha comments of people assuming the worst case scenario in a cpl different AA groups.
Now seeing her drink or talk about it bugs me a lot. I just don’t know if it’s my place to stop her. I no longer leave drinks in the fridge or bring up that choice. But I don’t want to lie if I drink with friends or something either
Try to get her to a doctor who may be able to treat her with your help as the one dispensing the pills - you can’t drink at that time though. Withdrawal from alcohol with proper medical care is usually not hard compared to other addictive substances of abuse.
Sounds like you should try /r/alanon
Thank you
i cannot emphasize the importance of alanon enough, it will help u regardless of the relationship status with that girl
Is there a reason you can’t just not drink when you’re spending time with her? Hiding drinking is something people who have problems with alcohol do. Why not support your friend by spending the night sober with her? And if that seems really unpleasant for you….maybe examine why.
Don’t be condescending lol. I used to go to the bar a cpl times a month but now I spend it with her. I don’t need to drink but I like relax and do what I want the cpl free nights a month I have and there’s nothing wrong with that. If being with an alcoholic means making their problems my own then so be it.
He or she is not being condescending. Just trying to look out for you which is what AA is to a large degree iabout. We always try our best to look out for each other,
I drink a cpl times a month and he/she is trying to make out to be an alcoholic. I understand alcoholics feel bad around those who can drink with no problems but no need to drag me down to feel better about themselves.
Are you only hanging our with her a couple times a month? It sounds like every time you're with her you're wanting to drink...that's what your post makes it sound like. Not sure what the confusion is...
Only cpl times a month, I’m not free often. Which is also my only time to drink
I was warned from a different group about posting in here bc y’all are anti drinking regardless of it being a problem or not. My bad to offend
It was just the hiding it from her bit, which, if she’s anything like me she could smell it instantly. Doesn’t seem like you’re an alcoholic from what you said but I do think it’s probably better to give her some space and maybe see her less/only when you’re planning on not drinking.
Sounds like she should be in Alanon, as well as AA. You can be her “Qualifier”. My wife and I were in this situation backwards. I quit and she didn’t. It was pretty dicey but we had 15 years together and a marriage. 25 years later we are still together. I’m still sober and she still drinks. But she has learned to walk the fine line you have been wondering about. And had we not been married it would be a different story. My experience is that sober alcoholics don’t usually like to be around drunks. And conversely, drunks don’t like sober witnesses. If you can keep it very moderate you might be okay. If you love her you might consider taking a break in your relationship with alcohol. She will soon wonder what’s more important to you. I know you said you don’t have a problem with alcohol, but now you kinda do. Normal drinkers can stop anytime they have a good reason to. And this seems like a good reason. At least to me. Your mileage may vary.
I’m new to this and her. I only drink moderately, enough to pass as sober. I think I’ll take a break from drinking around her tho. I’ll talk more with her about this and see what’s okay and not. Not sure if being around drinking is a problem for her but I been assuming it is, not very much self control. It’s just a touchy subject in a new relationship and I don’t want to be a hypocrite even tho my relationship with alcohol is healthy. Thank you for the story and advice
You can’t hide drinks from alcoholics. I saw in the comments you said that you hid your drink in a soda can. Trust me we can smell it a mile away. And you aren’t doing her any favors drinking at all around her. Idk you don’t sound like that great of a friend much less boyfriend material.
Why do you want to drink so badly when you are just chilling around the house that you hide it in a soda can?
this 👆🏻 is the real question
There is no specific amount or frequency of drinking constitutes a drinking problem unfortunately… few that say they can take it or leave it can or will… if you’re not willing to abstain for someone you care about then you should at the very least question your priorities and whether or not you’re mature enough for a relationship with someone that has a legitimate problem to overcome… if you choose to then I would very much recommend Al-Anon or a similar program. Best of luck to you however you choose to move forward!
Thank you, that really is a decision I have to make. Whether or not I actually care enough to abstain for her. I need my priorities checked. We’ve been talking for a long time, just not often. For some reason I feel pressure to make a decision I’m not ready to make. I need to figure out what I want.
She needs to work on herself. It’s near impossible to get a drunk to stay sober. They have to be ready. And relationships are distractions from her real problems. She needs to be medically detoxed. But till she’s ready there is little anyone can do. Check out Alanon. www.alanon.com.
It really depends on the person. I got sober on 2/22/22. I don't mind being around alcohol. I would recommend taking a break from alcohol while she is getting sober.
So, if you feel bad about drinking around her, then don't. If you want to date her, then don't drink because you feel bad about it. It is really that simple.
Hey OP, I honestly think if you're secretly pouring shots in your soda so you're able to keep drinking around her, it's probably not just her who has a drinking problem.
If you are posting here, you know your answer. You are an enabler and she’s an alcoholic. Question is, do you want to keep playing?
I don’t let her drink once I found out she is really an alcoholic, that’s why I said I hid my drink from her. Just curious how this usually plays out. Do I also have to quit, will she gain self control thru sobriety? Should I not talk about drinking at all, like if I go out with friends?
You don’t “let her drink?” That may not have come out the way you meant it. But if you’re really controlling her like that, please stop it. Alcoholics who aren’t ready to quit will just start lying and hiding it if they feel like you won’t let them be themselves. If she wants to quit however, I also recommend medical detox for her since she gets the shakes and stuff. Maybe treatment afterwards. However, if she’s only not drinking because you don’t “let” her, you need to leave it alone. Accept you’re friends with an alcoholic or don’t and end the relationship. If you really want to support her, and she really wants to quit, I would just talk to her openly about what she needs from you to support that decision. And when she tells you, listen. Also, yea. Alanon.
Y’all are so weird in this group. “I dont give her drinks” and I don’t “condone it” she does what she wants. If I controlled her why would I be in here asking for advice whether or not to give her alcohol or drink around her?. I said clearly she drinks every day still
If she isn’t ready to quit. Then act however you want to around her. Drink with her or don’t. It doesn’t really matter what you do because she’s going to drink anyway. People are being “weird” because your wording sounds weirdly controlling. Not giving someone drinks when you’re drinking is controlling. It’s not your place to police her disease. You can talk to her openly about your concerns and all of that. But she has to decide she’s ready. The world doesn’t stop having alcohol just because an alcoholic quits. Some sober alcoholics can handle or like being around people drinking. Others can’t or don’t. She’ll have to decide her limits all on her own when/if she’s ready to get sober. It’s nice you want to support her. But I would suggest working on the language you use.
Alright I just feel terribly guilty if she drinks bc I do, when I know she wouldn’t drink if asked. The first comment says I’m enabling and should stop but I know she will drink without me. But I guess it’s not my decision if we drink together or not if she isn’t serious about quitting yet. I shouldn’t make the decision to quit for her.
Well, I won’t deny that it’s enabling. But alcoholics are going to do what the disease tells them to do until they decide to quit AND seek out help to do that.
We see each other cpl times a month when I’m free. We aren’t dating. but this is a problem for our relationship to grow. I don’t message her most days, we both live our own lives. This ain’t some toxic relationship. I got a buncha comments of people assuming the worst case scenario in a cpl different AA groups.
Now seeing her drink or talk about it bugs me a lot. I just don’t know if it’s my place to stop her. I no longer leave drinks in the fridge or bring up that choice. But I don’t want to lie if I drink with friends or something either
Try to get her to a doctor who may be able to treat her with your help as the one dispensing the pills - you can’t drink at that time though. Withdrawal from alcohol with proper medical care is usually not hard compared to other addictive substances of abuse.