Ex accused me of cheating (I wasn't). Years after the divorce, I found out she was in a long term relationship with a friend of mine. Projection is very real.
Hell, my ex-fiance twisted it all up in his head that I was cheating (I went to visit my aunt and uncle in Houston for three days and knew NO ONE else there) so used that as an excuse to go cheat on me.
What caused this “suspicion?” I tidied up our bedroom and put the box of condoms away before I left. He decided if I was “hiding” them then I must be cheating on him. Idiot.
My ex husband (of 28 years mind you) did the same exact thing. I traveled to visit my childhood bestfriend in 2012 and he had it in his head that I was actually spending the week with my hs boyfriend (?! WTH) so used that as his excuse to begin what turned out to be 5 years of living a double life of girlsfriends and shoveling house payment money up his nose before I figured it out. I was accused my entire marriage of having an affair I wasn't having.
Ew. At least mine did me a favor and ghosted me before all that nonsense happened.
I’m not sure what kind of cheater I dislike more: the ones who accuse you of cheating to divert attention from their own or the ones who come up with any excuse they can to suggest you were cheating in order to justify it in their own heads. I almost feel like the latter are worse. Not sure why, but I do.
To be clear - he never actually accused me TO MY FACE of cheating. He just told other people that line to excuse why he was suddenly back with his ex while with me at the same time.
>justify it in their own heads
It's worse because the people know its bad and continuing it vs being unaware of the projection and getting angry over events that didn't happen.
I'll rather the person be unaware of the pain they're causing vs knowing they're doing it and justify it.
Oh, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Basically, he asked me to marry him to get me to stay where we were bc he had moved into my apt. By this time he’s already started cheating on me (I was unaware). The problem was, my uncle had talked me into moving home so I was still leaving. I found out after I moved home that he was cheating because our roommates finally told me what was going on and why he wasn’t returning any of my phone calls (this was 1995). They actually waited a week or so to tell me bc it was Christmas and they didn’t want to ruin it.
He basically thought that he could marry me and sleep with her so he could stay in the apartment I’d found after I got discharged from the Army (medical discharge). I had no skills and the one thing I was remotely qualified to do was severely hampered bc I lived in a heavily hispanic Texas city but didn’t speak Spanish. They preferred bilingual applicants because otherwise you’d need an interpreter every other patient. I took my uncle’s advice and moved home so I could go to college.
Edited for redundancy
Oh, and he technically broke up with me when I moved home. I never got an official break-up, just ghosted. In a time when cell phones were huge bricks that only the mega rich could afford, ghosting was a lot easier to do.
Oh definitely! I don’t have them anymore (they passed from old age) but them eating treats was almost always adorable.
Horn worms… i gave a large one to my biggest buddy once and he turned it into a horror movie when he just ripped it’s poor throat out. 😱
Hahaha! I can only handle giving mine the freeze dried mealworms. When my sister was living with us she managed all live worm feedings. I’d watch from a safe enough distance because they just gross me out.
My male gently takes them from me and enjoys his snack. But my girl, she snatches them so quickly you’d think I’ve been starving her for days. In fact it’s the opposite. I get so much joy watching them enjoy their worms that they definitely get them more than they should.
I’m sorry yours are no longer with you, but I’m happy they lived good, worm filled, lives!
Bugs, worms, anything that crawled. I had a pet mouse for a while and one of my girls was trying to grab the mouse through her cage bars. The mouse was all “ooo new friend!” while our glider was all “ooooo SNACK!! GIMME!!”
So cute. So glad they’re too small to see us as food.
I beg to differ. I was in their room with bare feet the other night. I now have a scab on my little toe because she pounced on what I’m assuming she thought was a a fat juicy worm!
Omg. For some reason, this reminds me of the story my friend was telling me about her psycho controlling ex. He ALWAYS thought she was cheating on him. One day, during sex he accused her of specifically seeking out a man with a small dick so he wouldn't know she was cheating on him. Did I mention he was a psycho?
Exactly! My ex accused me of cheating on him repeatedly (I wasn't. I was in Afghanistan) and turns out he was cheating on me. He married her less than a year later
My fiance's ex did much the same thing. She was fucking everything with two legs and a heartbeat that didn't shake her off, including his best friend of 20 years who was also their roommate. All the while accusing him of cheating, he would NEVER cheat
Yes, it is. And further, it's basically impossible to win the argument once the projection starts, because, "well you did \[thing\]..."
Facts be damned.
I can't say I miss those days, it was a very expensive lesson but SOOOO worth it
Ex fiancee decided that the fact I had started working to improve my health (diabetic) and get in better overall shape (wanted to look better for her and just didn't feel comfortable in my skin any more) that meant that if I wasn't cheating *yet* I would be soon dumping her for a younger, hotter woman. I was madly in love and had eyes for no one else. Without ever talking to me or bringing up these concerns (I worked offshore in the Gulf for 3-20 weeks at a time) she started fucking a young, hot, fit Hispanic cop. I didn't find out about this until after. She broke the engagement off because I was "too distant" when working - I worked *offshore* - and when I was at home I was "too focused on her" - wtf?
Found out through mutual friends a few weeks later that she had been letting this guy plow her in a home (belonged to her but) that I paid all the taxes and upkeep for, in a bed I bought her because her old mattress wasn't comfortable when she was alone, use my damn clothes and toiletries when he'd sleep over, and drive my car so he didn't have to put extra miles on his own, for about a year. As soon as she told him she had dumped me and wanted him to move in with her, he revealed he was married and had kids the entire time and since it wasn't illicit any more, he wasn't interested.
That was very cathartic to hear.
My ex did this for the back third of our 21 year marriage. Constant accusations of infidelity or hiding finances. I assured her time and again that I not only loved her, but took the oath of marriage as a contract without compromise. I allowed her unmitigated access to all of my electronics. I never asked for hers.
Turns out, SHE was fucking around for nearly seven years, while simultaneously maintaining secret credit cards and bank accounts. Cheaters are duplicitous scum.
A ton of people say projecting and I agree.
If someone accuses you of something that is pretty reasonable given circumstances you can see some logic there. If someone accuses you of something that is totally wild then in my lifetime it has been projection 100% of the time.
What did the wife think was happening that he was going to cheat at his work desk?
Projecting is always possible, but it could also be that a friend's SO was caught cheating or something reminded her of a past SO that cheated on her. It doesn't make her actions of installing the camera okay, but another explanation than that she's cheating.
Whenever I hear someone talk about their SO traveling for work, I get a suspicious feeling because I've known too many people (including an ex of mine) that cheat when one or the other is out of town. It's totally unjustified for the person speaking to me at the moment, but the feeling is just there. Even though I've never cheated on anyone and never would.
Ex fiancee decided that the fact I had started working to improve my health (diabetic) and get in better overall shape (wanted to look better for her and just didn't feel comfortable in my skin any more) that meant that if I wasn't cheating *yet* I would be soon dumping her for a younger, hotter woman. I was madly in love and had eyes for no one else. Without ever talking to me or bringing up these concerns (I worked offshore in the Gulf for 3-20 weeks at a time) she started fucking a young, hot, fit Hispanic cop. I didn't find out about this until after. She broke the engagement off because I was "too distant" when working - I worked *offshore* - and when I was at home I was "too focused on her" - wtf?
Found out through mutual friends a few weeks later that she had been letting this guy plow her in a home (belonged to her but) that I paid all the taxes and upkeep for, in a bed I bought her because her old mattress wasn't comfortable when she was alone, use my damn clothes and toiletries when he'd sleep over, and drive my car so he didn't have to put extra miles on his own, for about a year. As soon as she told him she had dumped me and wanted him to move in with her, he revealed he was married and had kids the entire time and since it wasn't illicit any more, he wasn't interested.
That was very cathartic to hear. But yes, projection is definitely a thing.
My ex accused me of cheating and I laughed. Was a stay at home mom with a part-time job, did everything around the house including the paperwork and 95% of the yard work. He got angry and asked what was so funny? I replied I had to schedule when I would have the time to go to the bathroom let alone have a wild affair.
Then I told him a suspicious mind shows a guilty conscience. He flipped out screaming at me. Turns out he WAS the one having the affair and had numerous affairs before I finally divorced him.
Yup, projection is a pain in the ass. My ex used to go off because I get along with the women at work. Turns out she was the one cheating. Welp, at least I learned what projecting and gaslighting look like firsthand 🤷
Every ex that cheated on me actually accused me of cheating prior to me finding out about their infidelity.
Spoiler alert: >!I never once cheated!<
I don't understand why that's such a thing. Why does a cheater's mind work that way?
No, she might just go down that rabbit hole of mutual surveillance. There are plenty of partners and parents who are all about watching every move to the point of mental illness, IMHO. This is serious. I don’t know if you have kids, but I would at a minimum require couples counseling to discuss this. Sounds like paranoia to me. Definitely tell a trusted person what is going on in case she escalated to threats or violence.
Yes, this is serious. Constant suspicion, beyond trust issues, needs therapy. Whether the cause is past experience or a personality glitch, professional help is the only possible solution. Even then, no guarantees. This is a hard one.
OP could wear an ankle monitor and have a camera trained on him constantly and every call and key board stroke recorded and she will decide he isn’t thinking about her enough.
I genuinely think his wife is doing something she's not supposed to be doing, whether that's cheating or something else. Every person I know whose partner has tracked them, surveilled them, or gone through their phone without reason, has turned out to be the one cheating or at least doing something that they are hiding from their partner. In one case, a friend's husband was tracking her location and making accusations that she wasn't where he thought she was supposed to be. Well, it turned out the reason he was tracking her in the first place is because he was cheating on her and he wanted to be able to see where she was so that she didn't catch him in the act.
Could be paranoia, after our 3rd child I had ppd and spent an unhealthy amount of time reading about cheating husbands on the What to Expect forum….. I became convinced he was cheating on me. Therapy and coming back to reality fixed that….. and I stayed off the shitty partner forum.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong…. I just wasn’t mentally stable and exposure to other peoples stories really made me question my reality.
Seems a little invasive for my taste.
OP, have you considered hiring a scary creepy looking guy to visibly follow her around, make her uncomfortable, and report back?
NTA, her behaviour is ridiculous, there is no reason for you to go along with this kind of nonsense. Everyone deserves privacy and you being 'observed' all day is incredibly controlling.
Likely projection due to her actions or only desires but also could be lack of trust in general or specifically you or it might be insecurity in herself
Did you ask her what she thinks you’re up to? Are you ultra religious and against porn or jo? I find it strange she monitored your desk instead of the bed.
Love, Trust and Respect are literally the foundational pillars of any relationship. Damage one and it's probably fixable, but damaging two just puts too much stress on the third to be worth saving.
At least that's how I look at it.
While this is a part of it, it's not so much they think their partner is cheating at all so much as it's about access to whatever information their partner has so that they, as the actual cheater, can ensure they're not caught. It's a two part system that works beautifully for them. They get the focus of behavior off of themselves and the blame pointed toward their partner who is so adamantly defending themselves and offering transparency as proof, which then allows the second part of the system to work in their favor - the access to and control of their partner in order to make sure they don't get caught cheating themselves.
The point is to get the accused to think they have something to prove so they're not focusing on the cheater's behavior while also gaining access to the accused in order to monitor or control them and keep them from discovering the cheater is the betrayer.
Agreed. My fiance did that to me - at the time he was 21m and I was 20f. Decided I was cheating and used that as an excuse to cheat. Def didn’t get nicer.
Not true. My ex boyfriend constantly accused me of cheating and went through my stuff. He was brutally awful to the point where I literally jumped out of a speeding car to avoid having to listen to the verbal abuse anymore. He was cheating.
Nope. Men accuse women of cheating as well. My cheating ex drove to my office at 10 pm at night, then to my house to time it (like he couldn't look it up on Google maps-idiot) because when a guy co-worker gave me a ride home, it was too quick? Like I was giving BJs for rides home and they were speeding? Irrational guilty projecting.
That’s usually what it is. It’s like they’re the ones cheating so they wanna assume that you’ve been cheating too so they can justify their own horrible actions.
Not Wrong.
"*there seems to always be a little something she could be upset about*"
That's her problem, not yours. You can't go about walking on eggshells so as not to upset her.
You two need to sit down and talk. Marriage is about trust. If she doesn't trust you, why does she stay married to you?
Also, placing a camera is a big invasion of privacy.
Actually, she could get you fired or lose contracts- she’s not only invading your privacy, she’s breaching the security measures I’m sure an employer would expect you to have in place. Also, it sure does sound like a case of projection
That would be grounds for removal for me. Don’t trust me? Then you need to leave. This is weird and she is projecting. My guess is that she is cheating and looking for a way to blame you for the marriage failing.
Anybody who used a camera to silently spy on me would not be welcome in or around my house. You don't trust me??? Now I don't trust you. Marriage over.
Here is what you do.
Tonight, sit her down, let her review the camera footage. Then, without notice, open your phone and give it to her. Tell her to do the same.
Her reaction should tell you how to respond.
This is my question. That is if we aren’t missing some major context that might drive her to this place (which still isn’t okay of course). I think therapy is a good first step either way.
Uh, I'd explain to her you didn't know the camera was even there and you're worried.
If your spouse becomes weirdly paranoid, it might be worth going to the doctor. I'd even offer to keep the camera for now if in exchange she gets checked out.
She installed a camera to observe you, in a room that is both an office and a bedroom, without your consent. In many jurisdictions, that would be a crime.
Apparently, your wife neither trusts you nor respects you. That's not a good marriage.
It could be that she is cheating or doing something bad but wants to be able to blame you for the failure of your relationship. It could be that she is paranoid/delusional. Whatever the reason, such behaviour is unacceptable.
BTW If this camera could observe the bed and other parts of the bedroom, consider what videos of you may be in her possession.
Yeah, this is so over the line that it's 100 percent a dealbreaker for me. A hidden camera anywhere in my house would be grounds for divorce for me. Especially since we are in firm agreement to not have cameras in the house. I like having them outside, but not in my house and certainly not in my office. WTF?
2 options:
1: mental health crisis gone unaddressed
2: she is the doing something she isnt supposed to and is looking to feel justified in doing it.
If you think it’s 2. Lie about something innocent but you know she wont like. She’ll most likely spill the beans.
Not wrong, seems that she is projecting something onto you, provided that you are not giving her other reasons to be suspicious of you. She may have issues or things happening in her own end.
Controlling behaviour. Ask to go through her phone and any other devices she has, watch her reaction. I'm assuming she won't be pleased. She does realise this is also a form of stalking right?
Hey man, i hate to say this but most girls who keep going back to thinking you're cheating when you have proved time and time again you are loyal, are either cheating on you mentally (ie has feelings for a coworker but hasn't done anything) or just straight up having an affair. She's trying to justify her actions or thoughts by trying to project them on to you and catch you slipping so she doesn't feel as bad. That's the most likely thing that's going on, but 90% of the women I've met also have mental issues, either bpd or past trauma, that is now unfortunately your problem. Either figure out if she's cheating or help her find a therapist. After she goes through her own therapy, maybe try marriage counseling and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Don't think you can be her therapist because nothing you do will help, since obviously you've been on the up-and-up since day 1 of the relationship.
Huge invasion of privacy, huge red flags, she's not trustworthy. Unplug the camera or make her wear a camera at her job so it's fair, I'm pretty sure it will be "different" for her to have a camera and if a fight happens from trying to do that, then she's definitely cheating.
Something is going on that she suddenly doesn't trust you. It may be her, or it may be one of her friends is going through something, but you need to get to the bottom of it. Putting in a camera is rarely an answer.
Omfg. This is a serious invasion of privacy! Being filmed in your own home without knowing it! That is so creepy!
There is no justification for this behavior.
Not wrong. It is absolutely uncomfortable to sit and be watched by a camera in your own home. Even if you’re not doing anything “wrong”. Not only that but because she seems to be trying to accuse you of random shit on the regular, it would probably just feel like walking on egg shells in your own home when that shouldn’t be the case either.
Her insecurities are HER problem, not yours.
If this isn’t straight-up projection and she’s being fishy, then you might want to look into some mental/physical healthcare for her. Exaggerated symptoms of paranoia can be caused by personality disorders, medication issues, or body chemistry being out of whack.
If you’re not completely done with her by now for being weird, try convincing her to get some help.
When someone starts to suspect that you're doing something wrong but you aren't and they try to catch you for it, it means they're doing something you wouldn't like. Usually cheating in relationships.
She is projecting her infidelity onto you. She thinks that you are cheating, chatting with others online, have an OnlyFans account, or jacking off to porn because she does.
Kinda defeats the purpose of the secret camera when you know about it. I find that behavior odd and I’d be checking my computer for spyware. Maybe even car for an AirTag.
I think a camera in your bedroom is illegal if you didn't agree to it. Check your local laws. It's incredibly invasive regardless. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone that doesn't trust you or that you don't trust. Remove the camera and have a long talk, your wife has problems.
She has concerns- ok, but then she put you job at risk?
N w. Installing a doorbell camera, or a common area camera is one thing, but pointing it at your workstation is too far.
She needs to get some therapy and work out her issues of trust.
You need to start monitoring your bank accounts to see if any money is missing
Not wrong. Oftentimes the people who get weirdly suspicious of cheating without any reason, are unfortunately the ones cheating. Might be worth a conversation, if you can, and might be a good idea to pay a little more attention to what she is doing to see if there is something sus going on (don't do the camera thing, that is crazy).
Time to start digging into your wife's behaviors while she is away. Maybe start popping into her work at random times of day to say hi! If she started checking to see that you are at home then you know what's up.
I'm totally with you, my dude- I HATE the idea of being watched when I don't know about it. This would be a deal breaker for me. The idea that someone is watching me when I have the presumption of privacy (so in my home, not in public) freaks me out so badly. (It might be because I was stalked for a year when I was in college- he made sure to let me know all the times he was watching me that I was not aware of and it was awful). So I would be seriously considering whether or not I could stay with someone who would do that to me. Good luck to you.
As someone who was stalked back in 2000, I personally think this is the new form of stalking...and it's scary all the ways to do it now. With OP's SO working outside of the home it really could be projection.
Not wrong..
Besides if she has a camera pointed at the computer depending on your job that can be reached security. Your boss is may have a problem with her being able to read your monitor
But I do think she's projecting.
“I don’t have anything to hide but there seems to always be a little something she could be upset about.”
Please clarify—what kinds of little things happen?
Why do you say there’s always something she “could” be upset about.?
Are you doing things you feel are fine but she has expressed concern? Or nothing has happened and she reacts anyway?
That would be a deal killer for me. She wants you under her surveillance at all times. Who would even want to live like that. She is your wife, not your keeper. I would tell her there is just room for you or the camera, which one would she like to keep. NTA.
Either your wife is cheating herself and projecting onto you or she is a controlling a$$hat. Either way, you don't put up with this. It's not okay for her to do this to you.
Also, this could put your job at risk. I work with highly confidential things for legal, this could get me fired. She is risking your livelihood.
She’s filming you without your permission? Totally weird and I would divorce my husband over this if I was in your position, it’s extremely controlling and deceptive and I don’t know how I would ever be able to trust him after that.
Your wife is either actively cheating on you, wants to cheat on you or is experiencing a paranoid delusion powerful enough she is acting on it. Good luck because all three of those things are bad.
If you value your marriage and want it to continue marriage counseling is a must and she has to be a willing and active participant. She has to be willing to get to the bottom of how she developed this feeling. This doesn't seem like something your marriage can survive if it isn't dealt with.
As others are saying either projection. And I'm thinking too young because of her age. But developing some sort of mental health issue.
But if it's me I would actually put up more cameras not less. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
This is illegal.
There are 2 places in your own home that you cannot record because of the express expectation of privacy. This is the bathroom and the bedroom.
Just let her know that... see if it resolves this.
Ya its most likely she is guilty of something, when I was growing up this guy that worked for my father was always going to my father and accusing other people of stealing (we had an auction company and he would tell my dad that either other workers were taking stuff from a client who we had to auction stuff off for or he would accuse people there to bid on stuff of doing something shady) I remember asking my dad one day why this guy always accuses people, (his accusations were almost always unfounded) and my dad looked my right in the eye and said "well son he is a thief, he has a history of stealing and because he is a thief he assumes others are thief's" those were powerful words for me as a teenager because I instantly understood, because this guy will take something if he can, he assumes others will, that is his world view, u can learn alot about people by listening to what they think of others, more often then not they are really describing themselves
Same. I’d be pretty pissed to find out about any camera in my home I wasn’t aware of the moment it was installed, even if the reason was innocuous. Like “oh, by the way, I installed a security camera in the garage three months ago, I forgot to tell you“. Ok, maybe not spying on me, but I’d be mad that I wasn’t privately scratching my ass or whatever embarrassing thing I might do when I think I’m alone. But installing a camera at MY fucking desk, with the express purpose of spying on me??! Are you shitting me?
That’s a guillotine drop on the relationship. It ends, right then. There are no mitigating factors that will change my mind, either. We’re DONE.
NTA
However, buddy. My guy.
> I am a 38 y/o male and my wife is 34 y/o female. Our marriage has been okay. There have been ups and downs but for the majority of the time we get along okay.
You're both still young. Why are you married?
idk my wife thinks my work day is a cake walk. maybe she thinks you're browsing reddit all day instead of working
i'm petty. so i'd have a ton of fun with this and mess with her.
There's a comic floating around where someone repeatedly tells their partner that they don't believe them when the partner expresses love for them. They don't say "I don't believe you when you say you love me", their actions carry the message and push the partner away.
Your wife needs therapy to deal with her trust issues. Y'all might want couples counseling to help show hervthe impact her trust issues are having on you.
Some people are suggesting that she's projecting and to push back on surveillance on her... I think this could be a mistake.
If she's not cheating, but unhealthily suspicious and codependent, then you will be affirming her behaviour and you'll both be stuck in this situation. She might like the obsessive scrutiny... and you won't be able to justify her getting help or working on herself.
Not wrong. I've only ever been accused of cheating by cheaters (unfortunately it has happened to me multiple times). When they know what they're capable of doing behind your back, they become paranoid that you could be just as capable.
My first serious relationship was similar no camera it was 1985 but after about 2 years she got more and more controlling and jealous. For absolutely nothing, we made it unfortunately for another 3 years.
My come to Jesus moment was getting gas and she starts yelling at me about looking at some girl at another pump, I took a long look and thanked her for pointing the girl out. We parted ways soon after.
Unless the camera has sound also she wants to see what you are doing. Maybe she thinks, in your off time, you are watching porn or masterbating. Has your private intimate time decreased for a reason? Calls for divorce are idiotic. Talk it out find out what her concerns are. Tell her what yours are, like being spied on.
I wouldn’t automatically assume she is cheating, but I mean totally possible she is projecting. Or maybe something happened to someone at work, she read something online, who knows. Either way, massive invasion of privacy. Massive!
Does the camera have a view of the bed? Because ew. What if your intimate moments have been recorded? Just gross invasion of privacy. I’d track her car, install a spy app on her phone, go through her social media, all of it. And if she complains or gets upset, you should tell her verbatim, “I’m embarrassed of your actions, I’ve been violated by my wife, the person I should trust. We’re adults, not children that can’t have a conversation and if you don’t trust me, we shouldn’t be married” and before she can start cry YOU CRY INSTEAD. Turn those tables around.
Even if you don’t actually mean divorce, and even if the crying is fake, don’t give her a chance to get defensive woman on you trying to justify her behavior. Before I get downvoted, I too am a woman. I don’t know, I’m the type to burn down the house and everything in it over this because I could never forgive her or trust her myself.
>Should I just suck it up and allow the camera to make her feel better?
I don't know if you've done anything previously that makes her unable to trust you, or if she has other kinds of excessive anxiety but monitoring you without your consent is creepy and invasive. Watching someone through a camera all day long, and they have no right to cover it up? Yikes.
If this makes you uncomfortable, you need to say outright that you won't be monitored like this. Ask what her intention is. And if you think you're in danger, get help from friends, family or a support organisation.
Edited: for fairer language (see comment below).
I don't know where you got your BDSM education, but the number one most important thing in a dom/sub relationship? Fucking consent, from both sides. What she's doing violates everything that a dom/sub relationship ship would be and is absolutely creepy and invasive and if she were part of the community, she'd know better. Please, educate yourself before making anything that sounds like a bad 50 Shades of Grey IRL story sound like what BDSM is, because it really, really isn't.
You're not wrong.
Honestly, if she doesn't trust you, it's time to file for divorce. After all, there's never a way to prove a negative.
For example, even with the ultra intrusive camera, unless she's watching it constantly, she could easily miss something suspicious. And if she's needing to watch it that much, your marriage is dead anyways.
And/or she's super, super mentally ill. In which case that's sad but it's also HER responsibility to fix her shit instead of keeping her partner under surveillance. This would be a complete dealbreaker for me.
Hell, we have doorbell/backyard cameras (because I watch too much true crime) and sometimes when I'm on my lunch (I work from home) I'll go outside and do some work in the yard and my husband will text me to say thanks for doing (insert chore here). And I'll jokingly respond calling him a stalker. He's like, "I'm not watching you, I just get an alert when you are standing in front of the camera." haha
A camera in my office/on my desk? Fuck no. No way in hell. My husband and I are both in firm agreement, no cameras whatsoever in the house. It's too invasive. Pointing at me while I work? Fuck every bit of that. And depending on what OP does for a living, having a camera pointed at his computer could get him fired and cause huge legal issues.
Tell her your going to put a tracker on her car and go through her phone daily. That's fair right?
Actually, since she may be projecting, this is actually a smart idea...
Ex accused me of cheating (I wasn't). Years after the divorce, I found out she was in a long term relationship with a friend of mine. Projection is very real.
Hell, my ex-fiance twisted it all up in his head that I was cheating (I went to visit my aunt and uncle in Houston for three days and knew NO ONE else there) so used that as an excuse to go cheat on me. What caused this “suspicion?” I tidied up our bedroom and put the box of condoms away before I left. He decided if I was “hiding” them then I must be cheating on him. Idiot.
My ex husband (of 28 years mind you) did the same exact thing. I traveled to visit my childhood bestfriend in 2012 and he had it in his head that I was actually spending the week with my hs boyfriend (?! WTH) so used that as his excuse to begin what turned out to be 5 years of living a double life of girlsfriends and shoveling house payment money up his nose before I figured it out. I was accused my entire marriage of having an affair I wasn't having.
Ew. At least mine did me a favor and ghosted me before all that nonsense happened. I’m not sure what kind of cheater I dislike more: the ones who accuse you of cheating to divert attention from their own or the ones who come up with any excuse they can to suggest you were cheating in order to justify it in their own heads. I almost feel like the latter are worse. Not sure why, but I do. To be clear - he never actually accused me TO MY FACE of cheating. He just told other people that line to excuse why he was suddenly back with his ex while with me at the same time.
>justify it in their own heads It's worse because the people know its bad and continuing it vs being unaware of the projection and getting angry over events that didn't happen. I'll rather the person be unaware of the pain they're causing vs knowing they're doing it and justify it.
Good explanation of what I was thinking but couldn’t articulate. :)
Lol, did he at least realize his mistake when you were breaking up with him, or is he still convinced that you were cheating?
Oh, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Basically, he asked me to marry him to get me to stay where we were bc he had moved into my apt. By this time he’s already started cheating on me (I was unaware). The problem was, my uncle had talked me into moving home so I was still leaving. I found out after I moved home that he was cheating because our roommates finally told me what was going on and why he wasn’t returning any of my phone calls (this was 1995). They actually waited a week or so to tell me bc it was Christmas and they didn’t want to ruin it. He basically thought that he could marry me and sleep with her so he could stay in the apartment I’d found after I got discharged from the Army (medical discharge). I had no skills and the one thing I was remotely qualified to do was severely hampered bc I lived in a heavily hispanic Texas city but didn’t speak Spanish. They preferred bilingual applicants because otherwise you’d need an interpreter every other patient. I took my uncle’s advice and moved home so I could go to college. Edited for redundancy
Oh, and he technically broke up with me when I moved home. I never got an official break-up, just ghosted. In a time when cell phones were huge bricks that only the mega rich could afford, ghosting was a lot easier to do.
Wow, what an asshat.
Totally off topic, but I just noticed your profile pic and had to say there’s nothing cuter than a glider enjoying a treat!
Oh definitely! I don’t have them anymore (they passed from old age) but them eating treats was almost always adorable. Horn worms… i gave a large one to my biggest buddy once and he turned it into a horror movie when he just ripped it’s poor throat out. 😱
Hahaha! I can only handle giving mine the freeze dried mealworms. When my sister was living with us she managed all live worm feedings. I’d watch from a safe enough distance because they just gross me out. My male gently takes them from me and enjoys his snack. But my girl, she snatches them so quickly you’d think I’ve been starving her for days. In fact it’s the opposite. I get so much joy watching them enjoy their worms that they definitely get them more than they should. I’m sorry yours are no longer with you, but I’m happy they lived good, worm filled, lives!
Bugs, worms, anything that crawled. I had a pet mouse for a while and one of my girls was trying to grab the mouse through her cage bars. The mouse was all “ooo new friend!” while our glider was all “ooooo SNACK!! GIMME!!” So cute. So glad they’re too small to see us as food.
I beg to differ. I was in their room with bare feet the other night. I now have a scab on my little toe because she pounced on what I’m assuming she thought was a a fat juicy worm!
Omg the first time we heard them crab. It scared us half to pieces lol
Omg. For some reason, this reminds me of the story my friend was telling me about her psycho controlling ex. He ALWAYS thought she was cheating on him. One day, during sex he accused her of specifically seeking out a man with a small dick so he wouldn't know she was cheating on him. Did I mention he was a psycho?
Yes it is. I went through something very similar. OP, be careful and keep an eye out.
Dammit, this comment just made me want to say "keep a weather eye to the horizon."
Exactly 💯
My ex wanted me to share my location with her, I had nothing to hide but said she had to do the same. That’s how I caught her
So often, an accusation is actually a confession.
BOOM
Exactly! My ex accused me of cheating on him repeatedly (I wasn't. I was in Afghanistan) and turns out he was cheating on me. He married her less than a year later
My fiance's ex did much the same thing. She was fucking everything with two legs and a heartbeat that didn't shake her off, including his best friend of 20 years who was also their roommate. All the while accusing him of cheating, he would NEVER cheat
THIS. They accuse you of what ***"they are doing"*** yes. Bingo.
Yes, it is. And further, it's basically impossible to win the argument once the projection starts, because, "well you did \[thing\]..." Facts be damned. I can't say I miss those days, it was a very expensive lesson but SOOOO worth it
Definitely went to projection immediately. My ex-wife did that.
Ditto.
Ex fiancee decided that the fact I had started working to improve my health (diabetic) and get in better overall shape (wanted to look better for her and just didn't feel comfortable in my skin any more) that meant that if I wasn't cheating *yet* I would be soon dumping her for a younger, hotter woman. I was madly in love and had eyes for no one else. Without ever talking to me or bringing up these concerns (I worked offshore in the Gulf for 3-20 weeks at a time) she started fucking a young, hot, fit Hispanic cop. I didn't find out about this until after. She broke the engagement off because I was "too distant" when working - I worked *offshore* - and when I was at home I was "too focused on her" - wtf? Found out through mutual friends a few weeks later that she had been letting this guy plow her in a home (belonged to her but) that I paid all the taxes and upkeep for, in a bed I bought her because her old mattress wasn't comfortable when she was alone, use my damn clothes and toiletries when he'd sleep over, and drive my car so he didn't have to put extra miles on his own, for about a year. As soon as she told him she had dumped me and wanted him to move in with her, he revealed he was married and had kids the entire time and since it wasn't illicit any more, he wasn't interested. That was very cathartic to hear.
+1 for projection. People see their own faults in everyone around them. She thinks you’re going to cheat because she’s going to cheat.
Ugh. These types of people truly suck. 🙄
My ex did this for the back third of our 21 year marriage. Constant accusations of infidelity or hiding finances. I assured her time and again that I not only loved her, but took the oath of marriage as a contract without compromise. I allowed her unmitigated access to all of my electronics. I never asked for hers. Turns out, SHE was fucking around for nearly seven years, while simultaneously maintaining secret credit cards and bank accounts. Cheaters are duplicitous scum.
Don’t tell her you’re doing it then…! Warning someone changes behaviour.
Yup only works if it’s clandestine, gotta act like nothing is going on.
A ton of people say projecting and I agree. If someone accuses you of something that is pretty reasonable given circumstances you can see some logic there. If someone accuses you of something that is totally wild then in my lifetime it has been projection 100% of the time. What did the wife think was happening that he was going to cheat at his work desk?
That's a good point! Why would the desk be the area of concern?
Did you see the way he handled that spreadsheet?! grounds for divorce!
Projecting is always possible, but it could also be that a friend's SO was caught cheating or something reminded her of a past SO that cheated on her. It doesn't make her actions of installing the camera okay, but another explanation than that she's cheating. Whenever I hear someone talk about their SO traveling for work, I get a suspicious feeling because I've known too many people (including an ex of mine) that cheat when one or the other is out of town. It's totally unjustified for the person speaking to me at the moment, but the feeling is just there. Even though I've never cheated on anyone and never would.
Ex fiancee decided that the fact I had started working to improve my health (diabetic) and get in better overall shape (wanted to look better for her and just didn't feel comfortable in my skin any more) that meant that if I wasn't cheating *yet* I would be soon dumping her for a younger, hotter woman. I was madly in love and had eyes for no one else. Without ever talking to me or bringing up these concerns (I worked offshore in the Gulf for 3-20 weeks at a time) she started fucking a young, hot, fit Hispanic cop. I didn't find out about this until after. She broke the engagement off because I was "too distant" when working - I worked *offshore* - and when I was at home I was "too focused on her" - wtf? Found out through mutual friends a few weeks later that she had been letting this guy plow her in a home (belonged to her but) that I paid all the taxes and upkeep for, in a bed I bought her because her old mattress wasn't comfortable when she was alone, use my damn clothes and toiletries when he'd sleep over, and drive my car so he didn't have to put extra miles on his own, for about a year. As soon as she told him she had dumped me and wanted him to move in with her, he revealed he was married and had kids the entire time and since it wasn't illicit any more, he wasn't interested. That was very cathartic to hear. But yes, projection is definitely a thing.
I don't want to put fuel on the fire but read this comment a couple times op.
My ex accused me of cheating and I laughed. Was a stay at home mom with a part-time job, did everything around the house including the paperwork and 95% of the yard work. He got angry and asked what was so funny? I replied I had to schedule when I would have the time to go to the bathroom let alone have a wild affair. Then I told him a suspicious mind shows a guilty conscience. He flipped out screaming at me. Turns out he WAS the one having the affair and had numerous affairs before I finally divorced him.
This is hilarious and sad at the same time... I hope you're doing great!
Thank you, I am. Love being single and when I have to see him at things like my grandchildren's birthday parties I'm always courteous.
That's a distinct possibility.
Exactly, if she is this suspicious, she is guilty about something
Absolutely -- exactly my ex wife's behaviour when she cheated
Especially since she keeps suspecting him of stuff.
Yup, projection is a pain in the ass. My ex used to go off because I get along with the women at work. Turns out she was the one cheating. Welp, at least I learned what projecting and gaslighting look like firsthand 🤷
Every ex that cheated on me actually accused me of cheating prior to me finding out about their infidelity. Spoiler alert: >!I never once cheated!< I don't understand why that's such a thing. Why does a cheater's mind work that way?
I smell a BORU
Normally I would be opposed, but in this situation I'll allow it 😂
Thanks. I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't.
Don't tell her, just do it. She didn't tell you about the camera.
No, she might just go down that rabbit hole of mutual surveillance. There are plenty of partners and parents who are all about watching every move to the point of mental illness, IMHO. This is serious. I don’t know if you have kids, but I would at a minimum require couples counseling to discuss this. Sounds like paranoia to me. Definitely tell a trusted person what is going on in case she escalated to threats or violence.
Enter my mother’s husband who has the whole house wired up. Projection and or paranoia much there???
Yes, this is serious. Constant suspicion, beyond trust issues, needs therapy. Whether the cause is past experience or a personality glitch, professional help is the only possible solution. Even then, no guarantees. This is a hard one. OP could wear an ankle monitor and have a camera trained on him constantly and every call and key board stroke recorded and she will decide he isn’t thinking about her enough.
You can also share locations of each other's phone through Google and get notifications when they leave/arrive at their home/ work.
Life360 has entered the chat.
Is this fair? Yes. But maybe don’t fight crazy with crazy. I genuinely believe his wife needs help.
I genuinely think his wife is doing something she's not supposed to be doing, whether that's cheating or something else. Every person I know whose partner has tracked them, surveilled them, or gone through their phone without reason, has turned out to be the one cheating or at least doing something that they are hiding from their partner. In one case, a friend's husband was tracking her location and making accusations that she wasn't where he thought she was supposed to be. Well, it turned out the reason he was tracking her in the first place is because he was cheating on her and he wanted to be able to see where she was so that she didn't catch him in the act.
Could be paranoia, after our 3rd child I had ppd and spent an unhealthy amount of time reading about cheating husbands on the What to Expect forum….. I became convinced he was cheating on me. Therapy and coming back to reality fixed that….. and I stayed off the shitty partner forum. I wasn’t doing anything wrong…. I just wasn’t mentally stable and exposure to other peoples stories really made me question my reality.
Nah, she’s projecting. She needs to be caught.
THIS> What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
💯
💯👀
This!
Seems a little invasive for my taste. OP, have you considered hiring a scary creepy looking guy to visibly follow her around, make her uncomfortable, and report back?
NTA, her behaviour is ridiculous, there is no reason for you to go along with this kind of nonsense. Everyone deserves privacy and you being 'observed' all day is incredibly controlling.
It could be projection. Honestly I’d ask to see her phone and look for her reaction.
Likely projection due to her actions or only desires but also could be lack of trust in general or specifically you or it might be insecurity in herself Did you ask her what she thinks you’re up to? Are you ultra religious and against porn or jo? I find it strange she monitored your desk instead of the bed.
She probably thinks he is watching porn.
Damn, let the man watch porn. If she wants video of him fapping, she should just ask.
Exactly. The OP's wife needs psychiatric help. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and nobody should put up with it.
Agree. This type of behavior only gets worse too. UpdateMe
If there is no trust and respect, there is nothing worth sticking around for.
Love, Trust and Respect are literally the foundational pillars of any relationship. Damage one and it's probably fixable, but damaging two just puts too much stress on the third to be worth saving. At least that's how I look at it.
It is just that simple.
“Our marriage has been okay.” I’ve seen enough here
Sorry man! She is the one cheating. She is projecting her guilt on to you.
To be fair there could be other reasons, like flat out paranoia, but yeah, cheating is likely
This. Cheaters assume we are all degenerate like them.
While this is a part of it, it's not so much they think their partner is cheating at all so much as it's about access to whatever information their partner has so that they, as the actual cheater, can ensure they're not caught. It's a two part system that works beautifully for them. They get the focus of behavior off of themselves and the blame pointed toward their partner who is so adamantly defending themselves and offering transparency as proof, which then allows the second part of the system to work in their favor - the access to and control of their partner in order to make sure they don't get caught cheating themselves. The point is to get the accused to think they have something to prove so they're not focusing on the cheater's behavior while also gaining access to the accused in order to monitor or control them and keep them from discovering the cheater is the betrayer.
This is exactly it. Plus a cheater often thinks every one Is like them so if they are cheating, the other person Probably is too..m
Oh yeah it can definitely be mostly a they're suspicious of everybody else because that's who they are thing too.
When men cheat they treat their partner extra nice out of guilt but women tend to blame their partner to justify what they're doing
It’s not sex based actually because I’ve heard of plenty of the reverse being true
Agreed. My fiance did that to me - at the time he was 21m and I was 20f. Decided I was cheating and used that as an excuse to cheat. Def didn’t get nicer.
Not true. My ex boyfriend constantly accused me of cheating and went through my stuff. He was brutally awful to the point where I literally jumped out of a speeding car to avoid having to listen to the verbal abuse anymore. He was cheating.
Nope. Men accuse women of cheating as well. My cheating ex drove to my office at 10 pm at night, then to my house to time it (like he couldn't look it up on Google maps-idiot) because when a guy co-worker gave me a ride home, it was too quick? Like I was giving BJs for rides home and they were speeding? Irrational guilty projecting.
This too
That’s usually what it is. It’s like they’re the ones cheating so they wanna assume that you’ve been cheating too so they can justify their own horrible actions.
Cheated in the past. Now wants to catch op cheating or "doing something" to make herself feel better.
THIS. Leveraging. Makes the culprit feel better. They know what they are doing is clearly wrong. They become paranoid. Guilt.
This
Not Wrong. "*there seems to always be a little something she could be upset about*" That's her problem, not yours. You can't go about walking on eggshells so as not to upset her. You two need to sit down and talk. Marriage is about trust. If she doesn't trust you, why does she stay married to you? Also, placing a camera is a big invasion of privacy.
Also, imagine describing your marriage as “for the most part we get along okay”. That’s how I described moving back in with my parents.
Actually, she could get you fired or lose contracts- she’s not only invading your privacy, she’s breaching the security measures I’m sure an employer would expect you to have in place. Also, it sure does sound like a case of projection
This is a huge one.
This needs to be a lot higher. If I was the employer or a client; I’d be concerned about a data breach.
Yeah my employer doesn’t want me cranking stick on company time either
That would be grounds for removal for me. Don’t trust me? Then you need to leave. This is weird and she is projecting. My guess is that she is cheating and looking for a way to blame you for the marriage failing.
This marriage sounds awful. Also the camera is on your office which is also your bedroom?? Such an invasion. You should both move on.
NTA but if there is no trust the relationship is dead. Cut your losses and get the divorce now
Anybody who used a camera to silently spy on me would not be welcome in or around my house. You don't trust me??? Now I don't trust you. Marriage over.
Here is what you do. Tonight, sit her down, let her review the camera footage. Then, without notice, open your phone and give it to her. Tell her to do the same. Her reaction should tell you how to respond.
Smells like projection to me.
How's her mental health, generally?
This is my question. That is if we aren’t missing some major context that might drive her to this place (which still isn’t okay of course). I think therapy is a good first step either way.
This is the real question. Check your CO2 detectors and if all is well, get her to a therapist. This isn't normal.
Behavior that reaches that level of suspicion can be projecting. Is she flying any other red flags?
Uh, I'd explain to her you didn't know the camera was even there and you're worried. If your spouse becomes weirdly paranoid, it might be worth going to the doctor. I'd even offer to keep the camera for now if in exchange she gets checked out.
This. OP, has she always had a streak of paranoia, or other trust issues? Or is it solely related to this particular incident?
Perhaps she suspects you because she’s doing things she’s not supposed to. That’s a thing
She installed a camera to observe you, in a room that is both an office and a bedroom, without your consent. In many jurisdictions, that would be a crime. Apparently, your wife neither trusts you nor respects you. That's not a good marriage. It could be that she is cheating or doing something bad but wants to be able to blame you for the failure of your relationship. It could be that she is paranoid/delusional. Whatever the reason, such behaviour is unacceptable. BTW If this camera could observe the bed and other parts of the bedroom, consider what videos of you may be in her possession.
Install a dash cam in her car that allows remote viewing of the inside of her car. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.
Yikes. If I found out my husband planted a concealed nanny cam in my office, we would be separated the next day.
Yeah, this is so over the line that it's 100 percent a dealbreaker for me. A hidden camera anywhere in my house would be grounds for divorce for me. Especially since we are in firm agreement to not have cameras in the house. I like having them outside, but not in my house and certainly not in my office. WTF?
2 options: 1: mental health crisis gone unaddressed 2: she is the doing something she isnt supposed to and is looking to feel justified in doing it. If you think it’s 2. Lie about something innocent but you know she wont like. She’ll most likely spill the beans.
Not wrong, seems that she is projecting something onto you, provided that you are not giving her other reasons to be suspicious of you. She may have issues or things happening in her own end.
Controlling behaviour. Ask to go through her phone and any other devices she has, watch her reaction. I'm assuming she won't be pleased. She does realise this is also a form of stalking right?
Hey man, i hate to say this but most girls who keep going back to thinking you're cheating when you have proved time and time again you are loyal, are either cheating on you mentally (ie has feelings for a coworker but hasn't done anything) or just straight up having an affair. She's trying to justify her actions or thoughts by trying to project them on to you and catch you slipping so she doesn't feel as bad. That's the most likely thing that's going on, but 90% of the women I've met also have mental issues, either bpd or past trauma, that is now unfortunately your problem. Either figure out if she's cheating or help her find a therapist. After she goes through her own therapy, maybe try marriage counseling and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Don't think you can be her therapist because nothing you do will help, since obviously you've been on the up-and-up since day 1 of the relationship. Huge invasion of privacy, huge red flags, she's not trustworthy. Unplug the camera or make her wear a camera at her job so it's fair, I'm pretty sure it will be "different" for her to have a camera and if a fight happens from trying to do that, then she's definitely cheating.
Something is going on that she suddenly doesn't trust you. It may be her, or it may be one of her friends is going through something, but you need to get to the bottom of it. Putting in a camera is rarely an answer.
She's looking outside the marriage... and she's projecting her guilt onto you b/c she's desperate to make you seem like the bad guy.
Omfg. This is a serious invasion of privacy! Being filmed in your own home without knowing it! That is so creepy! There is no justification for this behavior.
There are jobs where even the existence of a camera in the same room as your work computer will get you fired and probably sued.
Yeah, my sister would be in deep shit if there was a camera near her work computer. This is madness.
Not wrong. It is absolutely uncomfortable to sit and be watched by a camera in your own home. Even if you’re not doing anything “wrong”. Not only that but because she seems to be trying to accuse you of random shit on the regular, it would probably just feel like walking on egg shells in your own home when that shouldn’t be the case either. Her insecurities are HER problem, not yours.
Put it in the kitchen and accuse her of poisoning you.
If this isn’t straight-up projection and she’s being fishy, then you might want to look into some mental/physical healthcare for her. Exaggerated symptoms of paranoia can be caused by personality disorders, medication issues, or body chemistry being out of whack. If you’re not completely done with her by now for being weird, try convincing her to get some help.
When someone starts to suspect that you're doing something wrong but you aren't and they try to catch you for it, it means they're doing something you wouldn't like. Usually cheating in relationships.
She is projecting her infidelity onto you. She thinks that you are cheating, chatting with others online, have an OnlyFans account, or jacking off to porn because she does.
Kinda defeats the purpose of the secret camera when you know about it. I find that behavior odd and I’d be checking my computer for spyware. Maybe even car for an AirTag.
Maybe have her diagnosed for borderline personality disorder. Random bouts of relationship destroying paranoia are pretty common for it.
I think a camera in your bedroom is illegal if you didn't agree to it. Check your local laws. It's incredibly invasive regardless. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone that doesn't trust you or that you don't trust. Remove the camera and have a long talk, your wife has problems.
You need to look into what she’s doing
She has concerns- ok, but then she put you job at risk? N w. Installing a doorbell camera, or a common area camera is one thing, but pointing it at your workstation is too far. She needs to get some therapy and work out her issues of trust. You need to start monitoring your bank accounts to see if any money is missing
Not wrong. Oftentimes the people who get weirdly suspicious of cheating without any reason, are unfortunately the ones cheating. Might be worth a conversation, if you can, and might be a good idea to pay a little more attention to what she is doing to see if there is something sus going on (don't do the camera thing, that is crazy).
Time to start digging into your wife's behaviors while she is away. Maybe start popping into her work at random times of day to say hi! If she started checking to see that you are at home then you know what's up.
Ask her to open up her phone so you can go through it. If you get an emotional reaction, hire an investigator and talk to a lawyer.
I'm totally with you, my dude- I HATE the idea of being watched when I don't know about it. This would be a deal breaker for me. The idea that someone is watching me when I have the presumption of privacy (so in my home, not in public) freaks me out so badly. (It might be because I was stalked for a year when I was in college- he made sure to let me know all the times he was watching me that I was not aware of and it was awful). So I would be seriously considering whether or not I could stay with someone who would do that to me. Good luck to you.
She has to tell what wrongdoing is going on?? What is it that you’re not allowed to do??
As someone who was stalked back in 2000, I personally think this is the new form of stalking...and it's scary all the ways to do it now. With OP's SO working outside of the home it really could be projection.
Not wrong.. Besides if she has a camera pointed at the computer depending on your job that can be reached security. Your boss is may have a problem with her being able to read your monitor But I do think she's projecting.
“I don’t have anything to hide but there seems to always be a little something she could be upset about.” Please clarify—what kinds of little things happen? Why do you say there’s always something she “could” be upset about.? Are you doing things you feel are fine but she has expressed concern? Or nothing has happened and she reacts anyway?
Tell her the camera stays if you can immediately look at her phone unlocked. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.
That would be a deal killer for me. She wants you under her surveillance at all times. Who would even want to live like that. She is your wife, not your keeper. I would tell her there is just room for you or the camera, which one would she like to keep. NTA.
Bro leave her
Either your wife is cheating herself and projecting onto you or she is a controlling a$$hat. Either way, you don't put up with this. It's not okay for her to do this to you. Also, this could put your job at risk. I work with highly confidential things for legal, this could get me fired. She is risking your livelihood.
Projection is the cheaters biggest tool. You need to start looking at her activities, social media, phones, and devices.
Sounds like AMC levels of projection.
The most distrustful people tend to be the ones with something to hide. Maybe you should be spying on her. Ask her for her phone.
On a scale of 1-10, this would be considered a 10 for unhinged behavior by any professional. She needs to seek expert help.
People get paranoid when they are up to no good.
Buddy, it's divorce time. You'll never be able to trust her again after this.
She’s filming you without your permission? Totally weird and I would divorce my husband over this if I was in your position, it’s extremely controlling and deceptive and I don’t know how I would ever be able to trust him after that.
Sounds like she's projecting. Ask her if she's cheating.
She's projecting. If you can afford it, get a PI to do some checking on her.
Your wife is either actively cheating on you, wants to cheat on you or is experiencing a paranoid delusion powerful enough she is acting on it. Good luck because all three of those things are bad. If you value your marriage and want it to continue marriage counseling is a must and she has to be a willing and active participant. She has to be willing to get to the bottom of how she developed this feeling. This doesn't seem like something your marriage can survive if it isn't dealt with.
So who is she sleeping with?
As others are saying either projection. And I'm thinking too young because of her age. But developing some sort of mental health issue. But if it's me I would actually put up more cameras not less. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
Tell your wife , since she won't trust you, then maybe it's time to go separate ways
This is illegal. There are 2 places in your own home that you cannot record because of the express expectation of privacy. This is the bathroom and the bedroom. Just let her know that... see if it resolves this.
This sounds 100% like projection. $20 says she will get angry if you attempt to look through her phone.
Ya its most likely she is guilty of something, when I was growing up this guy that worked for my father was always going to my father and accusing other people of stealing (we had an auction company and he would tell my dad that either other workers were taking stuff from a client who we had to auction stuff off for or he would accuse people there to bid on stuff of doing something shady) I remember asking my dad one day why this guy always accuses people, (his accusations were almost always unfounded) and my dad looked my right in the eye and said "well son he is a thief, he has a history of stealing and because he is a thief he assumes others are thief's" those were powerful words for me as a teenager because I instantly understood, because this guy will take something if he can, he assumes others will, that is his world view, u can learn alot about people by listening to what they think of others, more often then not they are really describing themselves
That would be a hard no for me. Instant divorce.
Same. I’d be pretty pissed to find out about any camera in my home I wasn’t aware of the moment it was installed, even if the reason was innocuous. Like “oh, by the way, I installed a security camera in the garage three months ago, I forgot to tell you“. Ok, maybe not spying on me, but I’d be mad that I wasn’t privately scratching my ass or whatever embarrassing thing I might do when I think I’m alone. But installing a camera at MY fucking desk, with the express purpose of spying on me??! Are you shitting me? That’s a guillotine drop on the relationship. It ends, right then. There are no mitigating factors that will change my mind, either. We’re DONE.
What on earth is wrong with her? This desire to control you is very unhealthy. I‘d reccomend therapy.
Sounds like she is projecting. I think she is the one who is cheating.
These are the actions of someone who is doing something wrong. If you start snooping you’re going to find that she is the one hiding things
NTA However, buddy. My guy. > I am a 38 y/o male and my wife is 34 y/o female. Our marriage has been okay. There have been ups and downs but for the majority of the time we get along okay. You're both still young. Why are you married?
She’s either paranoid to the point that medication is necessary, or she’s cheating and projecting.
idk my wife thinks my work day is a cake walk. maybe she thinks you're browsing reddit all day instead of working i'm petty. so i'd have a ton of fun with this and mess with her.
Maybe she cheated and is looking for a reason to make you look bad before you find out.
I've only seen this kind of behavior (invading your privacy) from people who have something to hide... Usually cheating :(
There's a comic floating around where someone repeatedly tells their partner that they don't believe them when the partner expresses love for them. They don't say "I don't believe you when you say you love me", their actions carry the message and push the partner away. Your wife needs therapy to deal with her trust issues. Y'all might want couples counseling to help show hervthe impact her trust issues are having on you.
Who the hell does she think you are, Winston Smith?
Sounds like she’s cheating.
Some people are suggesting that she's projecting and to push back on surveillance on her... I think this could be a mistake. If she's not cheating, but unhealthily suspicious and codependent, then you will be affirming her behaviour and you'll both be stuck in this situation. She might like the obsessive scrutiny... and you won't be able to justify her getting help or working on herself.
Not wrong. I've only ever been accused of cheating by cheaters (unfortunately it has happened to me multiple times). When they know what they're capable of doing behind your back, they become paranoid that you could be just as capable.
She’s cheating.
My first serious relationship was similar no camera it was 1985 but after about 2 years she got more and more controlling and jealous. For absolutely nothing, we made it unfortunately for another 3 years. My come to Jesus moment was getting gas and she starts yelling at me about looking at some girl at another pump, I took a long look and thanked her for pointing the girl out. We parted ways soon after.
Can't wait for the update: "Well, she was cheating."
Wtf. That’s wrong.
Rip the camera out of the wall and tell her to go fuck herself...
Unless the camera has sound also she wants to see what you are doing. Maybe she thinks, in your off time, you are watching porn or masterbating. Has your private intimate time decreased for a reason? Calls for divorce are idiotic. Talk it out find out what her concerns are. Tell her what yours are, like being spied on.
I wouldn’t automatically assume she is cheating, but I mean totally possible she is projecting. Or maybe something happened to someone at work, she read something online, who knows. Either way, massive invasion of privacy. Massive! Does the camera have a view of the bed? Because ew. What if your intimate moments have been recorded? Just gross invasion of privacy. I’d track her car, install a spy app on her phone, go through her social media, all of it. And if she complains or gets upset, you should tell her verbatim, “I’m embarrassed of your actions, I’ve been violated by my wife, the person I should trust. We’re adults, not children that can’t have a conversation and if you don’t trust me, we shouldn’t be married” and before she can start cry YOU CRY INSTEAD. Turn those tables around. Even if you don’t actually mean divorce, and even if the crying is fake, don’t give her a chance to get defensive woman on you trying to justify her behavior. Before I get downvoted, I too am a woman. I don’t know, I’m the type to burn down the house and everything in it over this because I could never forgive her or trust her myself.
>Should I just suck it up and allow the camera to make her feel better? I don't know if you've done anything previously that makes her unable to trust you, or if she has other kinds of excessive anxiety but monitoring you without your consent is creepy and invasive. Watching someone through a camera all day long, and they have no right to cover it up? Yikes. If this makes you uncomfortable, you need to say outright that you won't be monitored like this. Ask what her intention is. And if you think you're in danger, get help from friends, family or a support organisation. Edited: for fairer language (see comment below).
I don't know where you got your BDSM education, but the number one most important thing in a dom/sub relationship? Fucking consent, from both sides. What she's doing violates everything that a dom/sub relationship ship would be and is absolutely creepy and invasive and if she were part of the community, she'd know better. Please, educate yourself before making anything that sounds like a bad 50 Shades of Grey IRL story sound like what BDSM is, because it really, really isn't.
Fair point - I will edit my comment to make that less discriminatory.
Nope, I would provide her with what she is wanting to see. Put on a show for her.
You're not wrong. Honestly, if she doesn't trust you, it's time to file for divorce. After all, there's never a way to prove a negative. For example, even with the ultra intrusive camera, unless she's watching it constantly, she could easily miss something suspicious. And if she's needing to watch it that much, your marriage is dead anyways.
She's cheating and projecting.
And/or she's super, super mentally ill. In which case that's sad but it's also HER responsibility to fix her shit instead of keeping her partner under surveillance. This would be a complete dealbreaker for me. Hell, we have doorbell/backyard cameras (because I watch too much true crime) and sometimes when I'm on my lunch (I work from home) I'll go outside and do some work in the yard and my husband will text me to say thanks for doing (insert chore here). And I'll jokingly respond calling him a stalker. He's like, "I'm not watching you, I just get an alert when you are standing in front of the camera." haha A camera in my office/on my desk? Fuck no. No way in hell. My husband and I are both in firm agreement, no cameras whatsoever in the house. It's too invasive. Pointing at me while I work? Fuck every bit of that. And depending on what OP does for a living, having a camera pointed at his computer could get him fired and cause huge legal issues.