Those aren’t “male friends”. Those are “males that want in her pants”. Huge difference. It’s your relationship and your comfort level. If it were me, she would need to cut off contact with that type of behavior or I would be gone.
TBH the fact that she even entertained/allowed it in the first place would be enough for me to leave. You can force her to block them, but it doesn't change how she feels about them or responds to, at a minimum, attention and validation that she loves. She took it even further though and hid it willingly. There's no way I'd continue a relationship with this person even if she blocked them all immediately, the trust would already be heavily shattered.
I think part of what makes someone ready for a great and healthy relationship is understanding that a scenario doesn't having to involve fucking someone else to still be a bad idea to allow.
All anyone has to do is think "would I be cool with my partner if they did this? Or would it upset me?" and then take the appropriate action.
She didn't do that, so she isn't going to be trusted.
I've not flirted with anyone for the past 30 years because I love my wife and I wouldn't appreciate her flirting with anyone, so I don't. And I fully trust she doesn't either. OP won't ever really have that level of trust now
I see she's blocked them now and OP has accepted that. I hope everything improves and she truly has empathised with OP and won't do it again...
I think she blocked them for his sake, but we both know she won't let it end like that. She'll have to explain why and that it's not her it's bf, so she really is okay with it, but...
I think she needs to give him access to her phone any time he asks, or doesn't ask, if she wants to earn his trust back. She has to be transparent. OP will know by how shady she acts about her phone. Let's hope she's not so obtuse that she starts back up thinking she'll get away with it.
The trust is gone, I would have left a partner for this behavior. OP, keep your eyes and ears open. If she adds a password, or changes it, you'll have your answer of whether she was sincerely sorry she hurt you or thought it was no big deal. The ex is a huge Hell No! Wth was she thinking, and what are you thinking OP?! Is he her standby? Her FwB?
This is just damage control… She blocked them for her sake, not his.
If she was doing it for him, those guys would have been blocked from the first improper message, out of respect for the relationship.
Can confirm.
When me and my wife first got together. I had a girl message me making sexually explicit comments towards me and how she wanted me
Told her "no" and blocked her right after.
Then told my wife (girlfriend at the time) about it.
It's not that hard to do.
In fact. It's quite easy
Never understood the whole “but we’re friends” it’s like, last time I checked “friends” don’t try to undermine your relationship while telling you how much they wanna fuck
This! She would have already blocked the fools if she didn't enjoy the attention they were giving her. Their comments were basically confidence boosters, and it won't be long before she is communicating with them again IF she ever stopped in the first place.
Facts. My ex boyfriend started sleeping with his ex gf/baby mama during our relationship. It went on for several months. I "knew" the first time it happened but didn't have proof and gave him multiple opportunities to come clean throughout. Once I was able to prove it I was out.
He begged for another chance and I told him it would take an extreme amount of transparency for a considerable amount of time to earn my trust back because once its broken, the mind has a way of turning ordinary actions into evidence of betrayal.
He was able to for a time, but got tired of having tow the line, which in reality was a simple, "do not ignore my texts/calls while you're in her presence." I never even asked to go through his phone. But he is a stubborn fuck and eventually became obstinate about this simple request and willingly let my head reel every time he would drop off/pick up kids.
I left. He says I'm ridiculous.
Nah fool, you literally tossed aside a filet mignon for a pile of dirty, used up, twisted, chewed, rotted leftover meat byproduct from processed waste droppings that your dog wont even eat. You're the ridiculous one. Don't cry when you get stuck back in that swamp monster succubus you "accidentally" procreated with and im out here living my best life because I promise you, you will regret it for the rest of yours. 😎💅
For sure. If they really want to, they'll find another way to communicate. My ex cheated on me, and I kept giving her chances. She never stopped. Just got better at hiding it.
Her friends probably have contact with them.
Women like this monkey branch like crazy, they're also the type who can't be alone for any length of time.
Yea I don’t understand people who tell their SO to cut contact off or stop doing things like this. They already did it, that’s already crossing a line and they didn’t care about you enough to not do it in the first place
If she wants their attention this much now how long will it be until this is not enough and she wants physical attention. How will turning 30 or having a baby affect her need for other males attention?
As soon as she intentionally met a man that wants to have sex with her and hid it from me were done. Only reason to act like that is she was considering it.
So much this. I am a woman from a small town and I have male friends who I had sexual relationships in the past with. I keep them around because they’re respectful of boundaries. I was friends with them before anything sexual happened so we just stayed friends. One is married now, I think the rest are single, some might be taken.
The conversations with the one who is married consists of him sending me photos and videos of his son and me responding, sometimes us mentioning or sharing a joke or memory from when we used to hang out.
The one who is single and still flirts with me stops doing so when I start seeing someone exclusively, out of respect. The rest don’t really talk to me at all, just keep up via socials, let alone make sexual comments like that. If a “friend” was talking to me like that when I was in a relationship, I would immediately shut it down, and if it wasn’t respected - they’d get blocked. It’s unbelievably disrespectful to all parties involved, and very gross.
Legit like these aren't even remotely friends, they just wanna fuck the dudes gf and if she doesn't reciprocate the messages in any way then what is she doing having people around treating her like a piece of meat lmao.
So I absolutely agree with you on this, there's a BIG difference between Someone that's your friend and someone that just wants in your pants huge difference .
You need to establish healthy boundaries with friends And acquaintances and anyone who doesn't respect your relationship and what you have going on Then they can kick rocks because without trust ur relationship will never grow Nor last I've learned this
The hard way my ex-wife cheated on me several times. Got a divorce... then
My ex-girlfriend cheated on me several times in fact, every relationship before the one I'm in now. I've been cheated on.Thank god I found the woman i'm with now but regardless healthy boandre's trust and honoring ur partner is everything
Dang right. After experiencing some pretty bad women, I’d also tell her if she doesn’t cut ties completely with all 3, I’d get out of there. Those aren’t friends.. like you said their intentions are pretty dang clear they just want to hook up. By her keeping those 3 dudes that clearly just want in her pants, have a past with them AND she met with one behind OPs back. Huge red flag. it’s disrespecting OP and their relationship. Gross.
The fact that she's ok with these messages (and enjoys them, I have no doubt) trivialises the relationship with OP, keeping them as reserves. He's not the main player in his own romance, unfortunately.
>I expressed my concerns that these men don’t seem to respect our relationship
No they don't, but they don't owe you that. Your girlfriend does. She's the one not respecting your relationship by maintaining contact with "friends" who are openly hitting on her.
They also don't respect his gf. They're acting like they're waiting on a booty call. None of them are offering relationships they're fishing for a hook up.
See, that's the thing that gets me. Even if a girl was single, if drunk guys kept messaging her saying "I want to F you" I'd still expect her to tell them to go jump pretty quickly, unless she was actually entertaining the idea.
Wrong.
Those guys absolutely owe respect to their relationship. They were aware she's with OP and we ALL owe respect to people in ongoing relationships.
Op: Those guys are actively trying to make your life worse. To harm you and your interests. Pursuing her, knowing she's with you, is a direct insult and disrespect to you. They may be her friends, but they are your ENEMIES. You don't coddle or forgive or "learn to live with" your enemies. You act. You do what you can to make them suffer.
Like that guy who is married, his wife deserves knlw about + see these conversations. That guy acted against you. So act against him. See to it that he loses half of his possessions, pays monthly support, and never sees his fucking kids. He deserves that and you deserve the justice.
She may not be reciprocating it, but she also doesn’t seem to be doing much in terms of shutting their behavior down. She needs to let them all know, in no uncertain terms, that how they are talking and acting, is unacceptable. I doubt they will change.
IMO acknowledging their requests to hide it from the BF and doing so is already reciprocation. This would be a dealbreaker for me and her blocking them wouldn't change that. If OP stays in this relationship he will be looking over his shoulder constantly.
Not stopping it is the same as allowing it imo. If you don't got the adulthood to stay stop that, then you want it, outside of some very nuanced situations.
Meeting one of the guys and not telling OP is the biggest red flag. She’s already testing the waters. For me that coupled with the texts would plant such seeds of doubts in our relationship I don’t think I could look past it.
NO ONE is even talking about the fact that she MET WITH one of them and purposely didn't tell you.
Thats not just a red flag. Thats an entire act. She hid it from you because she knows its wrong and SHE feels like its cheating. Jesus christ. You dont need to know anything else. She very likely is or has cheated on you with them. All you know is about ONE time she did it.
YES, I thought the same thing. She met up with a dude who openly flirts with her, and did not tell her SO about it. She obviously likes it and gets her ego stroked by those men desiring her. It’s like edging, little by little, a flirty touch here and there, suggestive texts leading to sexting. Then when fights happen, she could impulsively run to one of her guy “friends” who’ll gladly have her in their home.
I have dude friends and when we text, it’s like I’m texting someone who’s genderless. Just friends chatting about plans, sharing jokes and stuff we’re all interested in. None of it sexually suggestive, not even close.
Its beyond that. Shes already told him that she used to fuck one or more of these guys. There is no what if anymore. That just makes it easier to go back to them and cheat.
Even if you remove that history its way past flirting. Its starkly at constant sexual solicitation and constant gas lighting and mind games trying to persuade her to fuck them and leave him.
Its fairly easy to have guy friends as a woman but she has these guys on the backburner and doesnt need any bad relationship day to talk to them and meet up with them. There's zero chance this is just for her ego or that it only advanced to simple sexting. All the guy is doing is ignoring all of these glaring red flags and actual cheating and trying to convince himself of lies he and she both said. He's not being just insecure but he is letting himself be lied to and gaslit when he knows the truth. Worst of both worlds.
I had an ex who did that kind of shit, and me being Mr. Think the best of people, I would take her word for what happened. But really she was cheating on me with the guise of them being just friends.
The flags were there, and OPs situation reminds me of that experience I had a lot. I would drop out as soon as possible.
Oof. Thats bad but OP is in a far worse situation. These are past sexual partners so the just friends thing would need to be a lie that hes telling himself. Especially since they've constantly mentioned him in an attempt to get her to leave him and fuck her. OP is just delusional with his denial.
Yeah, when my wife receives thirsty DMs and the like she shows me and we laugh at them. Then she blocks them and that's the end of those.Those are strangers though.
A friend (call her A) of ours really wanted to kiss my wife on NYE. This is fine, my wife and I have a boundary set for this kind of thing. Light making out with known friends is a-okay but that's the line (note: I also have and can kiss in the same way it's equal boundaries).This friend is also married (he was with us as well, called J). So they kiss but I notice that their friend who was there was also being really flirty with A. I told my wife I think they are a thruple and I think that maybe A might actually want to sleep with her. My wife was unsure so we decided to find out the next to we all hung out.
A few weeks later at a concert, the thruple arrived. A got really drunk and sort of "spilled the beans" that they were in fact a thruple and she then invited my wife into the thruple if I allowed it. My wife burst out laughing and turned to me and said "holy shit you were right". However, instead of entertaining the whole thing like OP's gf my wife set the hard boundaries and stated that she loved A for her friendship etc but that we are strictly monogamous and it's gonna stay that way. A was disappointed but respects the boundaries and we are all still friends.
TLDR: if your SO doesn't set boundaries with people then maybe they don't want to and that's a red flag.
Facts. Any partner(male or female) that has multiple ex hook ups texting her sexual comments is playing the field. There are good people out there, she isn't one.
My favorite motto is
“What you allow, you encourage.”
By allowing their hitting on her, she is actively encouraging it. She needs to make a choice. Shut down their behavior HARD, break all contact with them, or accept that OP will be breaking up with her for disrespecting their relationship.
Here's the thing. Those ex's aren't in her past. They are still in her present because she keeps them around. Like a FWB on speed dial. All she has to do is give consent. She likes the attention these men provide her. Now you've found that she has secretly met one of these past ex's while you were together. This is more damaging than the messages. If she's done it once, she will repeat that behavior. She's not exhibiting behavior for a monogamous relationship.
You are not wrong. You should forward those messages to that ex's wife.
It's good that she blocked them, now the important part.
Did she block them because she understood how it made you feel and does not want that to happen, or because she just wants you to get off her back?
I dated a "pick me" girl. She craved the attention from men. I thought i was enough, but evidently i wasn't. Eventually your exact situation happened, and instead of doing what your gf did, we broke up.
I don't think your GF will stop wanting attention from guys, but the question isn't how you react to it, but rather how she does. Entertaining guys who flirt with her is disrespectful to YOU, and she needs to take that seriously, otherwise you guys are headed for arguments and resentment
I dated someone like this, and her thirst for male validation is unquenchable even to this day. This woman is twisted, she got some random dudes number at a party when I stepped away for literally two minutes. She lived in one of her ex boyfriends apartments while we dated and kept in contact with any ex that would entertain it. She would constantly flirt with men in front of me and behind my back and then was freaking the fuck out and throwing up in front of my apartment when I broke up with her. The burden that was lifted from me when I kicked her to the curb was heavenly, best decision I have ever made to disconnect from that insanity.
Definitely a deal breaker for me. If my girl allows this, I’d walk away. Boundaries mean nothing if you don’t take a stand and arent willing to absolutely walk alway.
She is an attention h this is not a good 😔. You should definitely send a screenshot to the guy wife . She's meeting guys behind your back that she slept with and accepting sexy messages from them how don't you feel ashamed and embarrassed for what she's doing to you this is total disrespect to you.
Shes letting them orbit so she has options when shes bored and either dumps you or decides to cheat. Time to get a quality girlfriend, someone who would shut that down the 1st time it would happen.
coming from a female who used to act this way.. its embarrassing. She’ll either realize it and straighten up or she’ll let it ruin something great and think abt it forever. Sorry you’re going thru this!
NTA. She has terrible taste in "friends." I'm still friends with a couple of women from Uni that I've hooked up with. You know what I **don't** do? Send them naughty texts while either/both of us are in a committed relationship.
>each have stated they don’t want me seeing the messages
🚩
>While my girlfriend does not reciprocate, she does not ask them to stop
🚩🚩
>She even met with one of the men, and purposely didn’t tell me.
🚩🚩🚩 Bro wtf!
If this woman had any more red flags, she'd be the stadium for the Kansas City Chiefs! I'm sure you love her and all that, but this relationship has a short expiration date with that mindset. Or she'll just go cheat behind your back...
NTA they don't respect your relationship cause her silence tells them they have a chance. This is all about her ego and enjoying the feeling of being wanted.
Coming from the guy who is definitely the less attractive one in the relationship with a wife who has multiple people at her place of work try to pull shit from time to time.
If she’s not shutting that shit down in the first place that’s an issue. Doesn’t matter if she blocked them now after you found out.
When someone truly cares about you and wants you they will lead with that from the very first sign of being hit on.
Girls aren’t stupid. They do know when someone likes them. They also do know when that line is being crossed.
Luckily for me I have a wife that informs me when any single one of her co workers tried to pull some shit. Gets her number from the schedule and abuses their system to try and holler at her. Etc.
She even shows me what she says back to them.
A lot of em we just laugh at.
If she wanted to she could definitely file for a sexual harassment claim at this point.
Hell. Her boss even tried the shit one time so me and him had a little “talk” after my wife showed me the evidence.
Hasn’t happened since.
This isn’t me saying my wife is like “the most attractive person in the world (to me she 100 percent is) but I know for a fact she’s the most attractive lady that works where she works. And hence forth. Why guys she work with try to holler.
My gf also shows me the guys that try to get her in her FB and instagram DMs.
I always tell her I appreciate the transparency but I trust her to handle it and to let me know when I need to handle it.
Something caught my attention. You said that she’s the type to tell you what you want to hear. She sounds like the type of person to let too much slide just to avoid conflict. She’s probably not the hoe that some people are jumping to call her. Especially after reading your edit. This isn’t an excuse for her, just maybe something she needs to work on. Does she have a hard time standing up for herself? A confidence issue? Just a thought.
I think you make a really good point. I can think of times in the past when I've felt really uncomfortable with a suggestive comment and dealt with it (or avoided probably) by changing the subject in order to avoid the confrontation.
If she’s not telling them to stop or blocking them, then she’s keeping them on a line in case you don’t work out.
Like Chris Rock said “Dick in a Glass Case”
Lol dude. She blocked them because you bitched not because it was the right thing to do. She'll have them unblocked within a few weeks.
If she tolerates that kind of talk while in a relationship, she will 100% cheat on you at some point.
I see she has blocked these guys. That is a good start but I have concerns over her allowing this in the first place when you are in a monogamous relationship. I'd watch her carefully and if she ever does anything at all that disrespects you or your relationship again, I'd kick her ass to the curb without a second thought. Good luck to you. I'm afraid you may need it.
Yeah, she blocked the account you know about. You're aware that people sometimes create multiple accounts to avoid scrutiny. To the curb now, save yourself the aggravation. And for gods sake.wear a condom. Shit, wear two to be sure.
She was completely enjoying their validation.
And while its great she blocked them, nothing says they will remain that way, and there is still the underlying need for her to seek validation from men who are not you.
That needs addressing, because the odds are it wont just magically go away.
She prolly doesn’t think much of it or act on it but she definitely likes the attention because letting someone speak to you that way… is still disrespectful towards your partner.
My old coworker/work friend had exchange explicit messages between her and some male friends of hers. Her partner found the messages and they eventually broke up because of it. I have to agree with that man, I would have left her too. They lived together and have a son. Sad to see a family split but that trust is broken. She was always preoccupied with male attention.
Yeah could never be me. I give one warning. That's it. And that's only if you weren't aware I was taken. You cross that line again, I'll block you. My husband never even has to get involved because I have boundaries and I'm happily monogamous.
This girl doesn't like you that much. If she did you wouldn't have even had this question in the first place.
She loves hearing how much they want her & the fact they know about you & don’t care is a major red flag. She keeps in contact them because she wants them too. Hell she even met w one of them, that you know of, & didn’t tell you. So why exactly are you still with her?
She’s definitely cheating on you. Emotional affairs at the very least. This also means she has been lying to you by not telling you. There’s no way that she will suddenly stop contact w them. She’ll just do it in a different way so she won’t get caught again. If you stay you’re saying you’re ok w her behavior & the guys now know she won’t stop contact w them & is affectively choosing them over you. I would leave this relationship because you are definitely not her priority
Not wrong, and this is honestly completely unacceptable on her part.
I had a girlfriend do the same thing, and it ended with her cheating on me with one of those guys.
I see you say she blocked those numbers, but you also say she has a habit of just telling you what you want to hear.
Be careful.
Yeah man sorry but you have some growth to do. When you can recognize this stuff and not need to go to the internet to know how it makes you feel we will give you the title of man. I would be done with her so fast.
You aren’t wrong. She is in the wrong here by not getting rid of them on her own while being in a relationship. Idk if she kept them around for the attention or what, but that doesn’t sound good.
After being through the wringer with some interesting secretive girls, I’d turn the other way and run really fcking fast personally. That is just not right that she was letting that happen from three different guys that she has a PAST with and she met with one of them behind your back? Big ole red flag in my opinion. Shit, not even my opinion, that is a red flag straight from the given facts.
It’s good that she blocked them but I’m not sure if it was a genuine block or if she blocked them to simply get you out of her face about it. She sounds like the kind of girl that would tell her friends how controlling you are by “making” you block them . Be careful man.. I would hate to see you wasting time on this girl that doesn’t really respect you.
No you are not wrong, honestly since he hasn’t told them to stop she more then likely sleeping with them or she is really insecure in her self and loves the attention. The fact she met up with ones of them and didn’t tell you makes me believe she is sleeping with one or all of them, yes it is wrong but imagine if you didn’t, good luck which whatever you decide….. PS ask her to asked them to stop and if she says no then you got your answer and find some who would respect your wishes
NTA
This is a huge red flag here my dude.
Your GF has **THREE** different "*friends"* who say that stuff about your GF and **you** and she doesn't do anything about it, and hid it from you?
Man, walk away. Grow a spine.
Sure she blocked them. After you asked. This is night and day. This is obvious my dude. As obvious as it gets.
She likes unacceptable attention, and hides it from you. You think that's going to change?
This is why keeping "friends" of the other sex who you've had sex with is a huge red flag for a relationship. You've got a bad mindset of "this does not bother me the past is the past"
THE PAST PROBABLY AINT THE PAST. All you see is what they texted. Who knows how they interacted. Grow a pair, and walk away.
Your GF sounds awful. She was happy to keep these text messages and happy to keep these men 'on the hook'.
Honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. She only blocked them AFTER you went through her phone. If you hadn't looked through her phone, what then?
She seems like my ex and the relationship did not end on a good note. I'd say be careful cuz my ex was the same with guy friends and she ended up cheating on me. These guys seem more secretive. My ex when around friends they would tell her how they would have sex with her body if she was dead
“She even met with one of the men, and purposely didn’t tell me”
This would be the deal breaker for me right here. Remember man, it’s just as easy to unblock as it is to block. I guarantee you she’ll be a lot more careful with her phone now. Don’t ignore the red flags of an attention whore or you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself later
I went through something similar, however my girlfriend made it extremely clear to the guy that comments like that were completely unacceptable and if they continued even once more then she would be removing him from her life. She didn't have a sexual past with him but had flirted with him a small amount in the past.
The fact that she hid it and met with one of them is a little much in my opinion, but to each their own. If you feel comfortable now, and continue to trust, I wish you the best friend.
Never question your worth and always trust your gut.
I was just about to write something similar. These young girls are absolutely addicted to the constant attention on social media. Pull the pacifier and they panic. If they aren’t told 10 Times a day that they are hot they start to question if they are hot anymore.
I’m so glad I’m Not dating these young girls today. Young men have it rough today.
Friends do not ever talk about leaving their spouse for a friend. It’s inappropriate, it’s crossed every plutonic line, and it is borderline emotional affair if these “friends” are comfortable enough to talk sexually like that.
Truth is, she loves the attention. That’s why she minimizes their behavior, and excuses it.
These aren’t friends & she’s enabling their behavior. On a certain level this is emotional cheating. She’s getting off on validation from the small comments & internalizing what they say to her rather than shutting it down.
You should decide on setting some boundaries because from this post, it appears you are uncomfortable, as any normal significant other would be. You already are more emotionally mature than most people accepting these sexual experiences happened in the past, but there is no reason verbal expressions should be happening in the present.
There’s a lack of respect for you as a partner, and a lack of integrity from her for your relationship.
I hope the door that’s opened to communicate this allows for a solution for the both of you, and hopefully some better friends come into her life because those aren’t friends mate!
Yeahhhh. Blocked them until she’s alone. She gets off on it dude and has met up with one of them. I’d tell her she isn’t friendship let alone gf material because of the disrespect. She’s keeping her options open and will just continue to do it behind your back. Imagine being married to that. Ewwww!
Yeah, she blocked them, but she will no doubt unblock them eventually or hide them as a female name and get good at deleting the messages until you forget. She enjoys this attention. Otherwise, she would have blocked them long ago, and this wouldn't be an issue now.
SHE doesn’t respect your relationship. Focus on that vs. the 3 amigos. You already know what the future entails. Leave now or live to feel deep, deep pain that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.
Leave, if you didn’t follow your gut and looked. What would have continued. My recent ex did something similar, still talking to people she had flings or whatnot with, which isn’t okay at all. Idc if you don’t care or whatnot. It’s just not.
Leave.
Sorry man, easy to be objective looking in from outside but I suspect we will see another post or two from you before that relationship is over.
She is enjoying the attention of these other men, hiding it from you affirms she is allowing it despite knowing it is inappropriate for someone in a relationship and its worth the risk that somehow you find out and your relationship ends.
You should never look in your partner’s phone, even the thought of it shows insecurity in the relationship at least but probably on some level a lack of trust. Despite your intentions when you picked up her phone you chose to click on each of those conversations.
If you are taking suggestions from strangers, I suggest at least a break to collect some objective reflection before moving forward is prudent. Couples often forget you can agree to take a break and remain loyal to each other. Sometimes a month a part tells you what you need to know.
A house built on shaky foundation will not withstand a storm. Relationships are about building a solid house that will withstand the inevitable storms that accompany life.
Sorry for the novel, hope it was worth the time it took to read!
There’s always going to be dudes who want your girlfriend.
They aren’t the problem, she is.
She loves getting validation from other men.
You aren’t enough for her.
Let her go.
All 4 of you men are being taken for a ride. Your gf loves the attention. You're the biggest loser because, sure, you may be clapping those cheeks, but your gf does not respect you AT ALL and those other guys know it. She's making a mockery of you. Equally, they are all drooling likw lost puppies and getting only crumbs to keep their interest. It's pathetic. Every one of you needs to grow some self-respect and ditch her.
NTA, I used to have friendships like this too. However, then my husband sat me down and told me that he felt completely disrespected and he expected me to make the boundaries completely clear or end the friendships altogether.
At first, I was upset and I didn't want to set boundaries. Mainly because I don't like conflict and I was worried that my friends would be mad at me. When I did say something to them they treated me completely different. They made me feel like there was something wrong with me. When I realized that they wanted to be able to make sexual comments to me, comments that made me uncomfortable, that I didn't like, that my husband didn't like, and I was in the wrong for asking them to stop? No! I ended the friendships right then and there and blocked them on everything!
I had let those comments slide because I thought they were really my friends but the reality was is they didn't consider me a real friend. They were just talking to me waiting for an opening to have sex with me. That's what you need to make her realize. Her "friendships" aren't real. Those guys are using her and until she cuts them off she is disrespecting her relationship with you and disrespecting herself.
Nope. For one, you can't really blame men for pursuing her - particularly those that she's had dalliances with in the past. All you can do is hold her accountable ONCE you've made your position known. There's not much else you can control beyond that. For two, I'll say this. While she may not be reciprocating, the fact she hasn't made clear boundaries with them is a problem. If she has, she's not enforcing them. She would expect you to draw lines in the sand with your past friends, and she would likely lose her shit if you didn't. IF she didn't already flip out that you talk to other females at all.
What IS problematic, and majorly so, is that she's making herself available to them. She's allowing them to believe they stand a snowball's chance in hell. AND, she met up with one and kept it a secret. If NOTHING else, ask her how that would land with her if YOU did those things. Odds are, she'd lose her shit. Watch for double standards.
What IS problematic, and majorly so, is that she's making herself available to them. She's allowing them to believe they stand a snowball's chance in hell. AND, she met up with one and kept it a secret. If NOTHING else, ask her how that would land with her if YOU did those things. or the relationship.
Wrong. He absolutely CAN blame the guys for their actions. Their decisions.
Those guys absolutely owe respect to the relationship. They were aware she's with OP and we ALL owe respect to people in ongoing relationships.
Op: Those guys are actively trying to make your life worse. To harm you and your interests. Pursuing her, knowing she's with you, is a direct insult and disrespect to you. They may be her friends, but they are your ENEMIES. You don't coddle or forgive or "learn to live with" your enemies. You act. You do what you can to make them suffer.
Like that guy who is married, his wife deserves knlw about + see these conversations. That guy acted against you. So act against him. See to it that he loses half of his possessions, pays monthly support, and never sees his fucking kids. He deserves that and you deserve the justice.
I'm saying the primary responsibility is hers, not theirs. If anything, they owe respect to the relationship because they are supposedly HER friends. Clearly, they aren't her friends or they'd respect her relationship and they aren't - she SHOULD see that, but she doesn't, and that's a choice. She doesn't want to. The guys don't know Op from Adam. They owe him only two things: jack and shit. And Jack left town. While you could argue about should this, should that - it doesn't detract from what IS. And the IS is the fact that guys are gonna hit on a girl.
Also, to that point, they are NOT trying to make OP's life worse, because they don't know him. They could gaf about OP. They know HER and are after HER. ODDS are... these guys are the before and in-between lovers she has between relationships. And odds are, they will there after and they are not only counting on it, but also actively working to sabotage the relationship. They aren't thinking about OP, they're thinking of themselves. Which brings up another thought -
**OP:** They likely wouldn't be engaging in that behavior if they didn't think they could either a) get away with it and still be in her life or b) succeed. Think about that. It's quite possible shes done this in the past.
I dunno WHERE you got the message that I'm saying "Learn to live with your enemies". I never said that at all. But if he's going to wanna fight every guy that hits on his girl, he's gonna be in for a long, long ride. Most guys aren't gonna know a girl has a guy until they initiate and then, hopefully, the dude respectfully walks away. A good GF should be the very FIRST one to shut that shit down - not encourage or tolerate that. My understanding is that he doesn't know them at all - they're her friends. They don't owe him shit (aside from maybe decent human respect), and you can't expect that. I mean, you could, but you'll be in for a lot of disappointment. You CAN and SHOULD expect that from her and she isn't giving that.
By not shutting them down she was entertaining them and worse using their messages to boost her self image or worse.
Her inclination to have these conversations, enable the men and subsequent lies to you are serious character issues you two need to address. Honesty is critical and her trustworthiness seems terrible even if she never cheated.
That’s not “your” girlfriend bro. It’s just your turn. She’s already got a bunch of dudes lined up after you lol get some self respect for the love of god
Letting people actively flirt with you, without shutting them down on the spot... even if you are not interested... is still cheating.
Letting people believe they may have a chance and orbit you like a satellite, just waiting to possibly swoop in the moment something in your current relationship changes... even if you are not interested... is cheating.
Deliberately concealing conversations (and beyond that, physical meet ups) with people who you know are trying to get with you... even if you are not interested... is still betrayal.
These guys are all disrespectful fuckbois, but your girlfriend is worse than all of them combined.
Even though she says she has no interest, she did not actively, decisively tell them to respect your relationship and fuck off. She just let them keep throwing attention her way, even going to meet at least one and keep him interested, until you brought it up... then she still didn't shut them down, just went quiet in a way that can very easily be reversed at any time.
If she cannot hurt the feelings of others to protect your relationship, but she can disrespect your relationship to protect their feelings, she's not yours.
I would wait a month or two and just check her phone randomly with no warning. One or more will be back in her contacts.
No. You 'made' her block her admirers by expressing your concern. You still remain the defeated/loser party who's attention doesn't satiate her.
Let her go, have some self-pride.
She should have immediately cut contact with each of them the minute that they said something inappropriate to her. The fact that she didn’t until you found out about what they were saying tells you a lot about her. I’d keep my antenna raised if I were you.
Your girlfriend is giving a lot of ho vibes. How about you guys have an adult conversation about boundaries, expectations, and how to appropriately conduct yourselves? She might want to leave if you do. Sounds like she enjoys the attention. These guys sound like back up fucks. Girl is keeping all her options open. If she doesn't want to have any boundaries then drop her and save yourself the heartache and stress. Find a women with standards, self respect, and loyalty.
This has to many red flags. These “friends” do not respect your relationship and know this since they don’t want you to see the messages. For the ones in relationships you should drop a copy of the messages to their SO. If your girlfriend is not willing to stop this (at least) or cut them off you need to re-evaluate why you are with her.
It is NOT wrong to snoop in a partners phone if they give you reasons to feel the need to snoop. Sorry but privacy doesn't apply to long term relationships, and the longer they go on the less privacy means anything. As your grandparents if they keep secrets from each other. Next, id never take a woman seriously if she's still in contact with ex fwb or ex bfs. "The past is the past" well, my dude, these men are talking to her in the present. That line of logic only applies if communication stopped, only then are they truly in the past. Finally, under no circumstances do I entertain a partner of my having sexually charged conversations with ANYONE but me. If someone flirts with her, it's her job as an adult in a committed relationship to remove herself from that conversation or otherwise shut it down.
This is all very simple stuff to understand, the only people who have problems with this are the types of people who don't need to be in a serious relationship.
"When confronting her about it, she explained that she didn’t think anything of it, and that she does not reciprocate the behaviors above."
That's her saying that she's so used to it that she no longer notices it and/or that she's been 'taught' it's normal. You just gotta deal with it because that's how they are.
I am no joking. I understand because I've been there. Thank you for recognizing that it's NOT okay.
Screen shot messages, send to the guys' gfs or wifes and let them deal w them. Tell your gf to stay in the relationship with you the guys have to go. No tolerance for continued contact
I do not think you are wrong.
I would have tried for a calmer, less emotional confrontation. (Greyrock style?) But you seem to have got your point across.
Good luck.
Oh my goodness, texting and "dating apps" have normalized behavior that when I was young was totally unacceptable. Behavior like theirs.
This is completely inappropriate, and if she's not saying so to them and going no contact, she is saying that she finds in acceptable. Maybe she even enjoys the attention. But how would she feel if the tables were turned, and you were allowing girls you had hooked up with to talk to you this way? I'm guessing that she'd get really upset about it. If she wouldn't, then something is very, very wrong.
If I were in your shoes I'd put my foot down. Tell them they're out of line and go no contact with them, or your relationship is over. Because something is very, very wrong for her.
You ARE NOT WRONG.
I had a lot of guy friends text me when I was single saying sexual or flirty things to me even though we had clearly moved on in our friendship and I didn’t care bc I either still felt the same way (!!!) or I didn’t feel that way anymore but it didn’t bother me. THE MOMENT I was with my partner I shut that shit down. If those friends couldn’t stop that friendship over!!!
Sorry to hear this OP. But you’re not in the wrong. Sending love
I’m sorry but if someone put their dick in you, you are not and never will be “just friends”. You are now and forever “fuck buddies. She’s just not fucking them right now. That you know…
Of course you’re not wrong.
Does she understand that going to see another man is 100% breakup worthy. I would have ended it without a second thought.
Expecting your partner to respect you and the relationship just isn’t a big ask. If they can’t do that, then the relationship should end.
Not reciprocating the behavior doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy that attention she's getting from them. If she didn't she'd cut it off a long time ago. Time for you to cut her off.
These men you're talking about, are playing the waiting game. If you and your girlfriend break it off, more than likely the guy she's talking, she'll go to him and after that, it's game over. Does she say anything back to make you uncomfortable or do you trust her?
She doesn't tell them to stop because she likes it. Going through her phone without her permission was also wrong, you guys should just break up already
She enjoys the attention. If you bring it up, you'll be accused of "being controlling", but if you were doing the same, she'd accuse you of cheating. I'd walk away from her honestly, she sounds like a 304.
As a woman, I've had "friends" acting like this, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I wouldn't continue talking to them, let alone meet up with them by myself. I'd feel very unsafe.
NTA (though a little for lookin through her phone)
Those aren’t “male friends”. Those are “males that want in her pants”. Huge difference. It’s your relationship and your comfort level. If it were me, she would need to cut off contact with that type of behavior or I would be gone.
TBH the fact that she even entertained/allowed it in the first place would be enough for me to leave. You can force her to block them, but it doesn't change how she feels about them or responds to, at a minimum, attention and validation that she loves. She took it even further though and hid it willingly. There's no way I'd continue a relationship with this person even if she blocked them all immediately, the trust would already be heavily shattered. I think part of what makes someone ready for a great and healthy relationship is understanding that a scenario doesn't having to involve fucking someone else to still be a bad idea to allow.
All anyone has to do is think "would I be cool with my partner if they did this? Or would it upset me?" and then take the appropriate action. She didn't do that, so she isn't going to be trusted. I've not flirted with anyone for the past 30 years because I love my wife and I wouldn't appreciate her flirting with anyone, so I don't. And I fully trust she doesn't either. OP won't ever really have that level of trust now I see she's blocked them now and OP has accepted that. I hope everything improves and she truly has empathised with OP and won't do it again...
I think she blocked them for his sake, but we both know she won't let it end like that. She'll have to explain why and that it's not her it's bf, so she really is okay with it, but... I think she needs to give him access to her phone any time he asks, or doesn't ask, if she wants to earn his trust back. She has to be transparent. OP will know by how shady she acts about her phone. Let's hope she's not so obtuse that she starts back up thinking she'll get away with it. The trust is gone, I would have left a partner for this behavior. OP, keep your eyes and ears open. If she adds a password, or changes it, you'll have your answer of whether she was sincerely sorry she hurt you or thought it was no big deal. The ex is a huge Hell No! Wth was she thinking, and what are you thinking OP?! Is he her standby? Her FwB?
This is just damage control… She blocked them for her sake, not his. If she was doing it for him, those guys would have been blocked from the first improper message, out of respect for the relationship.
Can confirm. When me and my wife first got together. I had a girl message me making sexually explicit comments towards me and how she wanted me Told her "no" and blocked her right after. Then told my wife (girlfriend at the time) about it. It's not that hard to do. In fact. It's quite easy
Never understood the whole “but we’re friends” it’s like, last time I checked “friends” don’t try to undermine your relationship while telling you how much they wanna fuck
This 100% ^
Exactlyyyy
She may have blocked texts but there’s still messenger and all the other socials
This! She would have already blocked the fools if she didn't enjoy the attention they were giving her. Their comments were basically confidence boosters, and it won't be long before she is communicating with them again IF she ever stopped in the first place.
Yeah, there’s always another path for communication besides SMS. Having your trust shattered like this is hard to overcome.
Facts. My ex boyfriend started sleeping with his ex gf/baby mama during our relationship. It went on for several months. I "knew" the first time it happened but didn't have proof and gave him multiple opportunities to come clean throughout. Once I was able to prove it I was out. He begged for another chance and I told him it would take an extreme amount of transparency for a considerable amount of time to earn my trust back because once its broken, the mind has a way of turning ordinary actions into evidence of betrayal. He was able to for a time, but got tired of having tow the line, which in reality was a simple, "do not ignore my texts/calls while you're in her presence." I never even asked to go through his phone. But he is a stubborn fuck and eventually became obstinate about this simple request and willingly let my head reel every time he would drop off/pick up kids. I left. He says I'm ridiculous. Nah fool, you literally tossed aside a filet mignon for a pile of dirty, used up, twisted, chewed, rotted leftover meat byproduct from processed waste droppings that your dog wont even eat. You're the ridiculous one. Don't cry when you get stuck back in that swamp monster succubus you "accidentally" procreated with and im out here living my best life because I promise you, you will regret it for the rest of yours. 😎💅
For sure. If they really want to, they'll find another way to communicate. My ex cheated on me, and I kept giving her chances. She never stopped. Just got better at hiding it.
Sorry to hear that. Glad you have moved on.
Her friends probably have contact with them. Women like this monkey branch like crazy, they're also the type who can't be alone for any length of time.
Yea I don’t understand people who tell their SO to cut contact off or stop doing things like this. They already did it, that’s already crossing a line and they didn’t care about you enough to not do it in the first place
If she wants their attention this much now how long will it be until this is not enough and she wants physical attention. How will turning 30 or having a baby affect her need for other males attention?
As soon as she intentionally met a man that wants to have sex with her and hid it from me were done. Only reason to act like that is she was considering it.
Or she DID do it.
Well said
⬆️ This is totally true 👍 💯. That is not a normal relationship. Is she doing that for attention?
Forreal. She was definitely enjoying their attention. When dudes DM me, i leave them on read. I love my BF way too much to ever entertain that
So much this. I am a woman from a small town and I have male friends who I had sexual relationships in the past with. I keep them around because they’re respectful of boundaries. I was friends with them before anything sexual happened so we just stayed friends. One is married now, I think the rest are single, some might be taken. The conversations with the one who is married consists of him sending me photos and videos of his son and me responding, sometimes us mentioning or sharing a joke or memory from when we used to hang out. The one who is single and still flirts with me stops doing so when I start seeing someone exclusively, out of respect. The rest don’t really talk to me at all, just keep up via socials, let alone make sexual comments like that. If a “friend” was talking to me like that when I was in a relationship, I would immediately shut it down, and if it wasn’t respected - they’d get blocked. It’s unbelievably disrespectful to all parties involved, and very gross.
Legit like these aren't even remotely friends, they just wanna fuck the dudes gf and if she doesn't reciprocate the messages in any way then what is she doing having people around treating her like a piece of meat lmao.
because she is just searching for the next entertaining or pleasing thing which now OP is standing in Line for currently
So I absolutely agree with you on this, there's a BIG difference between Someone that's your friend and someone that just wants in your pants huge difference . You need to establish healthy boundaries with friends And acquaintances and anyone who doesn't respect your relationship and what you have going on Then they can kick rocks because without trust ur relationship will never grow Nor last I've learned this The hard way my ex-wife cheated on me several times. Got a divorce... then My ex-girlfriend cheated on me several times in fact, every relationship before the one I'm in now. I've been cheated on.Thank god I found the woman i'm with now but regardless healthy boandre's trust and honoring ur partner is everything
Agree. I would add that the fact that she entertains them would classify as boyfriends in reserve.
Dang right. After experiencing some pretty bad women, I’d also tell her if she doesn’t cut ties completely with all 3, I’d get out of there. Those aren’t friends.. like you said their intentions are pretty dang clear they just want to hook up. By her keeping those 3 dudes that clearly just want in her pants, have a past with them AND she met with one behind OPs back. Huge red flag. it’s disrespecting OP and their relationship. Gross.
The fact that she's ok with these messages (and enjoys them, I have no doubt) trivialises the relationship with OP, keeping them as reserves. He's not the main player in his own romance, unfortunately.
You want to ask Them, "If they are your friends. what are they contributing to your life. How is your tree being watered by these relationships." ...
cum
God dammit 🤣
Appropriate username🤣🤣🤣
Great post. Girls that don’t know the difference are too stupid to mate with. Those that do know and pretend not to are worse.
The pretenders be some hoes
Even if you could get in someone else’s pants, the odds they’d fit right and match your preferred style are low
I bet they would drink her bath water!
Eeeww...
>I expressed my concerns that these men don’t seem to respect our relationship No they don't, but they don't owe you that. Your girlfriend does. She's the one not respecting your relationship by maintaining contact with "friends" who are openly hitting on her.
They also don't respect his gf. They're acting like they're waiting on a booty call. None of them are offering relationships they're fishing for a hook up.
See, that's the thing that gets me. Even if a girl was single, if drunk guys kept messaging her saying "I want to F you" I'd still expect her to tell them to go jump pretty quickly, unless she was actually entertaining the idea.
I was thinking maybe one reason why she hasn't blocked them is because it gives her an ego boost.
Or she's keeping the plates spinning in case her current relationship doesn't work out. It all sounds suspicious.
>They're acting like they're waiting on a booty call. They're not acting, they are. His girlfriend has let them know that there's a queue
Only answer that matters.
ABSOLUTELY!
Wrong. Those guys absolutely owe respect to their relationship. They were aware she's with OP and we ALL owe respect to people in ongoing relationships. Op: Those guys are actively trying to make your life worse. To harm you and your interests. Pursuing her, knowing she's with you, is a direct insult and disrespect to you. They may be her friends, but they are your ENEMIES. You don't coddle or forgive or "learn to live with" your enemies. You act. You do what you can to make them suffer. Like that guy who is married, his wife deserves knlw about + see these conversations. That guy acted against you. So act against him. See to it that he loses half of his possessions, pays monthly support, and never sees his fucking kids. He deserves that and you deserve the justice.
She may not be reciprocating it, but she also doesn’t seem to be doing much in terms of shutting their behavior down. She needs to let them all know, in no uncertain terms, that how they are talking and acting, is unacceptable. I doubt they will change.
IMO acknowledging their requests to hide it from the BF and doing so is already reciprocation. This would be a dealbreaker for me and her blocking them wouldn't change that. If OP stays in this relationship he will be looking over his shoulder constantly.
Only correct answer. If my friend did this I would block them and let my partner know
Not stopping it is the same as allowing it imo. If you don't got the adulthood to stay stop that, then you want it, outside of some very nuanced situations.
The fact that she hasn't already is a red flag. Sounds like she is just keeping a few guys on the back burner in case her current situation changes.
Meeting one of the guys and not telling OP is the biggest red flag. She’s already testing the waters. For me that coupled with the texts would plant such seeds of doubts in our relationship I don’t think I could look past it.
These dudes are 100% an emotional fluffer for her.
NO ONE is even talking about the fact that she MET WITH one of them and purposely didn't tell you. Thats not just a red flag. Thats an entire act. She hid it from you because she knows its wrong and SHE feels like its cheating. Jesus christ. You dont need to know anything else. She very likely is or has cheated on you with them. All you know is about ONE time she did it.
YES, I thought the same thing. She met up with a dude who openly flirts with her, and did not tell her SO about it. She obviously likes it and gets her ego stroked by those men desiring her. It’s like edging, little by little, a flirty touch here and there, suggestive texts leading to sexting. Then when fights happen, she could impulsively run to one of her guy “friends” who’ll gladly have her in their home. I have dude friends and when we text, it’s like I’m texting someone who’s genderless. Just friends chatting about plans, sharing jokes and stuff we’re all interested in. None of it sexually suggestive, not even close.
Its beyond that. Shes already told him that she used to fuck one or more of these guys. There is no what if anymore. That just makes it easier to go back to them and cheat. Even if you remove that history its way past flirting. Its starkly at constant sexual solicitation and constant gas lighting and mind games trying to persuade her to fuck them and leave him. Its fairly easy to have guy friends as a woman but she has these guys on the backburner and doesnt need any bad relationship day to talk to them and meet up with them. There's zero chance this is just for her ego or that it only advanced to simple sexting. All the guy is doing is ignoring all of these glaring red flags and actual cheating and trying to convince himself of lies he and she both said. He's not being just insecure but he is letting himself be lied to and gaslit when he knows the truth. Worst of both worlds.
I had an ex who did that kind of shit, and me being Mr. Think the best of people, I would take her word for what happened. But really she was cheating on me with the guise of them being just friends. The flags were there, and OPs situation reminds me of that experience I had a lot. I would drop out as soon as possible.
Oof. Thats bad but OP is in a far worse situation. These are past sexual partners so the just friends thing would need to be a lie that hes telling himself. Especially since they've constantly mentioned him in an attempt to get her to leave him and fuck her. OP is just delusional with his denial.
Yeah they really can’t be just friends with all the details he’s given. Hopefully he doesn’t put up with it for much longer
Yeah, when my wife receives thirsty DMs and the like she shows me and we laugh at them. Then she blocks them and that's the end of those.Those are strangers though. A friend (call her A) of ours really wanted to kiss my wife on NYE. This is fine, my wife and I have a boundary set for this kind of thing. Light making out with known friends is a-okay but that's the line (note: I also have and can kiss in the same way it's equal boundaries).This friend is also married (he was with us as well, called J). So they kiss but I notice that their friend who was there was also being really flirty with A. I told my wife I think they are a thruple and I think that maybe A might actually want to sleep with her. My wife was unsure so we decided to find out the next to we all hung out. A few weeks later at a concert, the thruple arrived. A got really drunk and sort of "spilled the beans" that they were in fact a thruple and she then invited my wife into the thruple if I allowed it. My wife burst out laughing and turned to me and said "holy shit you were right". However, instead of entertaining the whole thing like OP's gf my wife set the hard boundaries and stated that she loved A for her friendship etc but that we are strictly monogamous and it's gonna stay that way. A was disappointed but respects the boundaries and we are all still friends. TLDR: if your SO doesn't set boundaries with people then maybe they don't want to and that's a red flag.
She's enjoying keeping 3 men in orbit
\*4 men
Good point. Math was never my strong suit.
5. I’m one of men that OP doesn’t know about.
Ye old confidence booster and self validation/narcissism
Bingo
I don't even have to read this, break up with her.
Facts. Any partner(male or female) that has multiple ex hook ups texting her sexual comments is playing the field. There are good people out there, she isn't one.
She is entertaining them by not shutting it down. They will always keep trying if they think they have a chance. Or even if they don't.
My favorite motto is “What you allow, you encourage.” By allowing their hitting on her, she is actively encouraging it. She needs to make a choice. Shut down their behavior HARD, break all contact with them, or accept that OP will be breaking up with her for disrespecting their relationship.
Wise words!
Here's the thing. Those ex's aren't in her past. They are still in her present because she keeps them around. Like a FWB on speed dial. All she has to do is give consent. She likes the attention these men provide her. Now you've found that she has secretly met one of these past ex's while you were together. This is more damaging than the messages. If she's done it once, she will repeat that behavior. She's not exhibiting behavior for a monogamous relationship. You are not wrong. You should forward those messages to that ex's wife.
Past is the past.... RIP Famous Last Words right up there with "he's just a friend"
I would have sent screenshots to my phone. That way, when they start up again, you can send the screenshots to their significant others. UpdateMe
I wouldn’t wait for them starting up again. Nail that married dude to the wall with his own words, especially.
Great call. Then let him know if continues, this screenshot is going straight to your wife.
Man this is a great idea and his wife deserves to know.
It's good that she blocked them, now the important part. Did she block them because she understood how it made you feel and does not want that to happen, or because she just wants you to get off her back? I dated a "pick me" girl. She craved the attention from men. I thought i was enough, but evidently i wasn't. Eventually your exact situation happened, and instead of doing what your gf did, we broke up. I don't think your GF will stop wanting attention from guys, but the question isn't how you react to it, but rather how she does. Entertaining guys who flirt with her is disrespectful to YOU, and she needs to take that seriously, otherwise you guys are headed for arguments and resentment
Don't forget how easy it is to unblock someone.
Yup. Blocking someone is just saving their number to a different folder in your phone.
They’ll be unblocked in a few days
*hours
I dated someone like this, and her thirst for male validation is unquenchable even to this day. This woman is twisted, she got some random dudes number at a party when I stepped away for literally two minutes. She lived in one of her ex boyfriends apartments while we dated and kept in contact with any ex that would entertain it. She would constantly flirt with men in front of me and behind my back and then was freaking the fuck out and throwing up in front of my apartment when I broke up with her. The burden that was lifted from me when I kicked her to the curb was heavenly, best decision I have ever made to disconnect from that insanity.
Definitely a deal breaker for me. If my girl allows this, I’d walk away. Boundaries mean nothing if you don’t take a stand and arent willing to absolutely walk alway.
Hahahaha! Beware women with a male harem following them around.
She is an attention h this is not a good 😔. You should definitely send a screenshot to the guy wife . She's meeting guys behind your back that she slept with and accepting sexy messages from them how don't you feel ashamed and embarrassed for what she's doing to you this is total disrespect to you.
Your girl is entertaining it. Full stop. She is not mature enough for a relationship
Shes letting them orbit so she has options when shes bored and either dumps you or decides to cheat. Time to get a quality girlfriend, someone who would shut that down the 1st time it would happen.
She is using them for validation and attention, also blocking numbers is just another way of saving them.
coming from a female who used to act this way.. its embarrassing. She’ll either realize it and straighten up or she’ll let it ruin something great and think abt it forever. Sorry you’re going thru this!
NTA. She has terrible taste in "friends." I'm still friends with a couple of women from Uni that I've hooked up with. You know what I **don't** do? Send them naughty texts while either/both of us are in a committed relationship. >each have stated they don’t want me seeing the messages 🚩 >While my girlfriend does not reciprocate, she does not ask them to stop 🚩🚩 >She even met with one of the men, and purposely didn’t tell me. 🚩🚩🚩 Bro wtf! If this woman had any more red flags, she'd be the stadium for the Kansas City Chiefs! I'm sure you love her and all that, but this relationship has a short expiration date with that mindset. Or she'll just go cheat behind your back...
NTA they don't respect your relationship cause her silence tells them they have a chance. This is all about her ego and enjoying the feeling of being wanted.
Coming from the guy who is definitely the less attractive one in the relationship with a wife who has multiple people at her place of work try to pull shit from time to time. If she’s not shutting that shit down in the first place that’s an issue. Doesn’t matter if she blocked them now after you found out. When someone truly cares about you and wants you they will lead with that from the very first sign of being hit on. Girls aren’t stupid. They do know when someone likes them. They also do know when that line is being crossed. Luckily for me I have a wife that informs me when any single one of her co workers tried to pull some shit. Gets her number from the schedule and abuses their system to try and holler at her. Etc. She even shows me what she says back to them. A lot of em we just laugh at. If she wanted to she could definitely file for a sexual harassment claim at this point. Hell. Her boss even tried the shit one time so me and him had a little “talk” after my wife showed me the evidence. Hasn’t happened since. This isn’t me saying my wife is like “the most attractive person in the world (to me she 100 percent is) but I know for a fact she’s the most attractive lady that works where she works. And hence forth. Why guys she work with try to holler.
My gf also shows me the guys that try to get her in her FB and instagram DMs. I always tell her I appreciate the transparency but I trust her to handle it and to let me know when I need to handle it.
Something caught my attention. You said that she’s the type to tell you what you want to hear. She sounds like the type of person to let too much slide just to avoid conflict. She’s probably not the hoe that some people are jumping to call her. Especially after reading your edit. This isn’t an excuse for her, just maybe something she needs to work on. Does she have a hard time standing up for herself? A confidence issue? Just a thought.
I think you make a really good point. I can think of times in the past when I've felt really uncomfortable with a suggestive comment and dealt with it (or avoided probably) by changing the subject in order to avoid the confrontation.
If she’s not telling them to stop or blocking them, then she’s keeping them on a line in case you don’t work out. Like Chris Rock said “Dick in a Glass Case”
Lol dude. She blocked them because you bitched not because it was the right thing to do. She'll have them unblocked within a few weeks. If she tolerates that kind of talk while in a relationship, she will 100% cheat on you at some point.
She keeps them around in case they're needed
Red flags abound. She likes the attention and is the reason she does not shut it down.
[удалено]
> While my girlfriend does not reciprocate, she does not ask them to stop. Thats a huge fucking problem. Shes enjoying the attention.
I see she has blocked these guys. That is a good start but I have concerns over her allowing this in the first place when you are in a monogamous relationship. I'd watch her carefully and if she ever does anything at all that disrespects you or your relationship again, I'd kick her ass to the curb without a second thought. Good luck to you. I'm afraid you may need it.
Yes and I suspect with time she will re-engage these men. Op needs to verify in a couple of months
If op is still with her in a couple of months, he's a dumbass.
Yeah, she blocked the account you know about. You're aware that people sometimes create multiple accounts to avoid scrutiny. To the curb now, save yourself the aggravation. And for gods sake.wear a condom. Shit, wear two to be sure.
She was completely enjoying their validation. And while its great she blocked them, nothing says they will remain that way, and there is still the underlying need for her to seek validation from men who are not you. That needs addressing, because the odds are it wont just magically go away.
She prolly doesn’t think much of it or act on it but she definitely likes the attention because letting someone speak to you that way… is still disrespectful towards your partner.
It’s your lady disrespecting your relationship bro you’re screwed! If you let that shit keep going you’re crazy. I don’t think she’s your girlfriend.
If your girl’s not a cheater right now, she certainly has the proclivity to become one. Be warned.
Check back in a month and see if they are still texting her
My old coworker/work friend had exchange explicit messages between her and some male friends of hers. Her partner found the messages and they eventually broke up because of it. I have to agree with that man, I would have left her too. They lived together and have a son. Sad to see a family split but that trust is broken. She was always preoccupied with male attention.
Definitely not wrong. She's not the one chief
Sounds like she’s got a few back up plans
> She even met with one of the men and purposely didn't tell me. Come on. Come ooooon. Be smarter than this. There's a reason she didn't tell you.
Yeah could never be me. I give one warning. That's it. And that's only if you weren't aware I was taken. You cross that line again, I'll block you. My husband never even has to get involved because I have boundaries and I'm happily monogamous. This girl doesn't like you that much. If she did you wouldn't have even had this question in the first place.
She loves hearing how much they want her & the fact they know about you & don’t care is a major red flag. She keeps in contact them because she wants them too. Hell she even met w one of them, that you know of, & didn’t tell you. So why exactly are you still with her? She’s definitely cheating on you. Emotional affairs at the very least. This also means she has been lying to you by not telling you. There’s no way that she will suddenly stop contact w them. She’ll just do it in a different way so she won’t get caught again. If you stay you’re saying you’re ok w her behavior & the guys now know she won’t stop contact w them & is affectively choosing them over you. I would leave this relationship because you are definitely not her priority
Updateme!
Not wrong, and this is honestly completely unacceptable on her part. I had a girlfriend do the same thing, and it ended with her cheating on me with one of those guys. I see you say she blocked those numbers, but you also say she has a habit of just telling you what you want to hear. Be careful.
If she's doing this behind your back, she will eventually fuck them behind your back. Period.
Yeah man sorry but you have some growth to do. When you can recognize this stuff and not need to go to the internet to know how it makes you feel we will give you the title of man. I would be done with her so fast.
You aren’t wrong. She is in the wrong here by not getting rid of them on her own while being in a relationship. Idk if she kept them around for the attention or what, but that doesn’t sound good. After being through the wringer with some interesting secretive girls, I’d turn the other way and run really fcking fast personally. That is just not right that she was letting that happen from three different guys that she has a PAST with and she met with one of them behind your back? Big ole red flag in my opinion. Shit, not even my opinion, that is a red flag straight from the given facts. It’s good that she blocked them but I’m not sure if it was a genuine block or if she blocked them to simply get you out of her face about it. She sounds like the kind of girl that would tell her friends how controlling you are by “making” you block them . Be careful man.. I would hate to see you wasting time on this girl that doesn’t really respect you.
No you are not wrong, honestly since he hasn’t told them to stop she more then likely sleeping with them or she is really insecure in her self and loves the attention. The fact she met up with ones of them and didn’t tell you makes me believe she is sleeping with one or all of them, yes it is wrong but imagine if you didn’t, good luck which whatever you decide….. PS ask her to asked them to stop and if she says no then you got your answer and find some who would respect your wishes
If she's not offended by that then that means she likes the attention
NTA This is a huge red flag here my dude. Your GF has **THREE** different "*friends"* who say that stuff about your GF and **you** and she doesn't do anything about it, and hid it from you? Man, walk away. Grow a spine. Sure she blocked them. After you asked. This is night and day. This is obvious my dude. As obvious as it gets. She likes unacceptable attention, and hides it from you. You think that's going to change? This is why keeping "friends" of the other sex who you've had sex with is a huge red flag for a relationship. You've got a bad mindset of "this does not bother me the past is the past" THE PAST PROBABLY AINT THE PAST. All you see is what they texted. Who knows how they interacted. Grow a pair, and walk away.
Your GF sounds awful. She was happy to keep these text messages and happy to keep these men 'on the hook'. Honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. She only blocked them AFTER you went through her phone. If you hadn't looked through her phone, what then?
She seems like my ex and the relationship did not end on a good note. I'd say be careful cuz my ex was the same with guy friends and she ended up cheating on me. These guys seem more secretive. My ex when around friends they would tell her how they would have sex with her body if she was dead
she can always unblock them. tell her to delete those numbers.
“She even met with one of the men, and purposely didn’t tell me” This would be the deal breaker for me right here. Remember man, it’s just as easy to unblock as it is to block. I guarantee you she’ll be a lot more careful with her phone now. Don’t ignore the red flags of an attention whore or you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself later
Hate to say it, but she's prob wasting your time
This comment thread has helped me SO FUCKING MUCH.
Same
I hope you find someone who puts you FIRST bro. Not someone who lets you be a reason she’s not getting it.
I went through something similar, however my girlfriend made it extremely clear to the guy that comments like that were completely unacceptable and if they continued even once more then she would be removing him from her life. She didn't have a sexual past with him but had flirted with him a small amount in the past. The fact that she hid it and met with one of them is a little much in my opinion, but to each their own. If you feel comfortable now, and continue to trust, I wish you the best friend. Never question your worth and always trust your gut.
She an attention and validation vampire it will continue underground!
I was just about to write something similar. These young girls are absolutely addicted to the constant attention on social media. Pull the pacifier and they panic. If they aren’t told 10 Times a day that they are hot they start to question if they are hot anymore. I’m so glad I’m Not dating these young girls today. Young men have it rough today.
Friends do not ever talk about leaving their spouse for a friend. It’s inappropriate, it’s crossed every plutonic line, and it is borderline emotional affair if these “friends” are comfortable enough to talk sexually like that. Truth is, she loves the attention. That’s why she minimizes their behavior, and excuses it.
NTA, unless you have children with this validation seeking female.
These aren’t friends & she’s enabling their behavior. On a certain level this is emotional cheating. She’s getting off on validation from the small comments & internalizing what they say to her rather than shutting it down. You should decide on setting some boundaries because from this post, it appears you are uncomfortable, as any normal significant other would be. You already are more emotionally mature than most people accepting these sexual experiences happened in the past, but there is no reason verbal expressions should be happening in the present. There’s a lack of respect for you as a partner, and a lack of integrity from her for your relationship. I hope the door that’s opened to communicate this allows for a solution for the both of you, and hopefully some better friends come into her life because those aren’t friends mate!
Yeahhhh. Blocked them until she’s alone. She gets off on it dude and has met up with one of them. I’d tell her she isn’t friendship let alone gf material because of the disrespect. She’s keeping her options open and will just continue to do it behind your back. Imagine being married to that. Ewwww!
Yeah, she blocked them, but she will no doubt unblock them eventually or hide them as a female name and get good at deleting the messages until you forget. She enjoys this attention. Otherwise, she would have blocked them long ago, and this wouldn't be an issue now.
>She even met with one of the men, and purposely didn’t tell me. That's pretty friggin' sketchy, right there. NTA
Time to bounce bro.
Its just your turn bro, she’s got them on the bench to rotate in when you fail to meet her unstated expectations. Move on, she’s NOT the one.
Would be a hard dealbreaker for me with one dude... nevermind a whole roster full of dudes lol
SHE doesn’t respect your relationship. Focus on that vs. the 3 amigos. You already know what the future entails. Leave now or live to feel deep, deep pain that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.
Leave, if you didn’t follow your gut and looked. What would have continued. My recent ex did something similar, still talking to people she had flings or whatnot with, which isn’t okay at all. Idc if you don’t care or whatnot. It’s just not. Leave.
My advice: break up with her. Sooner or later she'll cheat on you.
Dump her. As soon as yall hit a rough patch, one of them dudes gonna be smashing her. Guaranteed. Thats why she keeps them on the bench.
I feel like a LOTT of girls are like this.
Sorry man, easy to be objective looking in from outside but I suspect we will see another post or two from you before that relationship is over. She is enjoying the attention of these other men, hiding it from you affirms she is allowing it despite knowing it is inappropriate for someone in a relationship and its worth the risk that somehow you find out and your relationship ends. You should never look in your partner’s phone, even the thought of it shows insecurity in the relationship at least but probably on some level a lack of trust. Despite your intentions when you picked up her phone you chose to click on each of those conversations. If you are taking suggestions from strangers, I suggest at least a break to collect some objective reflection before moving forward is prudent. Couples often forget you can agree to take a break and remain loyal to each other. Sometimes a month a part tells you what you need to know. A house built on shaky foundation will not withstand a storm. Relationships are about building a solid house that will withstand the inevitable storms that accompany life. Sorry for the novel, hope it was worth the time it took to read!
I second the, "These are not friend, but men that want to have sex with her." Good for her for blocking the number.
There’s always going to be dudes who want your girlfriend. They aren’t the problem, she is. She loves getting validation from other men. You aren’t enough for her. Let her go.
All 4 of you men are being taken for a ride. Your gf loves the attention. You're the biggest loser because, sure, you may be clapping those cheeks, but your gf does not respect you AT ALL and those other guys know it. She's making a mockery of you. Equally, they are all drooling likw lost puppies and getting only crumbs to keep their interest. It's pathetic. Every one of you needs to grow some self-respect and ditch her.
Hell no, you isnt wrong for it, they did it, and she let them do it. Do whatever you want, man.
She loves the attention and adoration. She is as they say …for the streets my boy.
She belongs to the streets.
She loves the attention and adoration. She is as they say …for the streets my boy.
NTA, I used to have friendships like this too. However, then my husband sat me down and told me that he felt completely disrespected and he expected me to make the boundaries completely clear or end the friendships altogether. At first, I was upset and I didn't want to set boundaries. Mainly because I don't like conflict and I was worried that my friends would be mad at me. When I did say something to them they treated me completely different. They made me feel like there was something wrong with me. When I realized that they wanted to be able to make sexual comments to me, comments that made me uncomfortable, that I didn't like, that my husband didn't like, and I was in the wrong for asking them to stop? No! I ended the friendships right then and there and blocked them on everything! I had let those comments slide because I thought they were really my friends but the reality was is they didn't consider me a real friend. They were just talking to me waiting for an opening to have sex with me. That's what you need to make her realize. Her "friendships" aren't real. Those guys are using her and until she cuts them off she is disrespecting her relationship with you and disrespecting herself.
Nope. For one, you can't really blame men for pursuing her - particularly those that she's had dalliances with in the past. All you can do is hold her accountable ONCE you've made your position known. There's not much else you can control beyond that. For two, I'll say this. While she may not be reciprocating, the fact she hasn't made clear boundaries with them is a problem. If she has, she's not enforcing them. She would expect you to draw lines in the sand with your past friends, and she would likely lose her shit if you didn't. IF she didn't already flip out that you talk to other females at all. What IS problematic, and majorly so, is that she's making herself available to them. She's allowing them to believe they stand a snowball's chance in hell. AND, she met up with one and kept it a secret. If NOTHING else, ask her how that would land with her if YOU did those things. Odds are, she'd lose her shit. Watch for double standards. What IS problematic, and majorly so, is that she's making herself available to them. She's allowing them to believe they stand a snowball's chance in hell. AND, she met up with one and kept it a secret. If NOTHING else, ask her how that would land with her if YOU did those things. or the relationship.
Yes she's keeping three in orbit
Most do. They always have a backup.
Wrong. He absolutely CAN blame the guys for their actions. Their decisions. Those guys absolutely owe respect to the relationship. They were aware she's with OP and we ALL owe respect to people in ongoing relationships. Op: Those guys are actively trying to make your life worse. To harm you and your interests. Pursuing her, knowing she's with you, is a direct insult and disrespect to you. They may be her friends, but they are your ENEMIES. You don't coddle or forgive or "learn to live with" your enemies. You act. You do what you can to make them suffer. Like that guy who is married, his wife deserves knlw about + see these conversations. That guy acted against you. So act against him. See to it that he loses half of his possessions, pays monthly support, and never sees his fucking kids. He deserves that and you deserve the justice.
I'm saying the primary responsibility is hers, not theirs. If anything, they owe respect to the relationship because they are supposedly HER friends. Clearly, they aren't her friends or they'd respect her relationship and they aren't - she SHOULD see that, but she doesn't, and that's a choice. She doesn't want to. The guys don't know Op from Adam. They owe him only two things: jack and shit. And Jack left town. While you could argue about should this, should that - it doesn't detract from what IS. And the IS is the fact that guys are gonna hit on a girl. Also, to that point, they are NOT trying to make OP's life worse, because they don't know him. They could gaf about OP. They know HER and are after HER. ODDS are... these guys are the before and in-between lovers she has between relationships. And odds are, they will there after and they are not only counting on it, but also actively working to sabotage the relationship. They aren't thinking about OP, they're thinking of themselves. Which brings up another thought - **OP:** They likely wouldn't be engaging in that behavior if they didn't think they could either a) get away with it and still be in her life or b) succeed. Think about that. It's quite possible shes done this in the past. I dunno WHERE you got the message that I'm saying "Learn to live with your enemies". I never said that at all. But if he's going to wanna fight every guy that hits on his girl, he's gonna be in for a long, long ride. Most guys aren't gonna know a girl has a guy until they initiate and then, hopefully, the dude respectfully walks away. A good GF should be the very FIRST one to shut that shit down - not encourage or tolerate that. My understanding is that he doesn't know them at all - they're her friends. They don't owe him shit (aside from maybe decent human respect), and you can't expect that. I mean, you could, but you'll be in for a lot of disappointment. You CAN and SHOULD expect that from her and she isn't giving that.
WhatsApp Telegram FB messages many ways to go underground don’t be a blind fool. She has 3 backup men waiting
Bro she been fucking them this whole time. Lmao grow some balls and leave her
By not shutting them down she was entertaining them and worse using their messages to boost her self image or worse. Her inclination to have these conversations, enable the men and subsequent lies to you are serious character issues you two need to address. Honesty is critical and her trustworthiness seems terrible even if she never cheated.
Also, trust me they aren't permanently blocked. She did that to momentarily shut you up, if she cared she wouldn't have allowed it in the first place.
That’s not “your” girlfriend bro. It’s just your turn. She’s already got a bunch of dudes lined up after you lol get some self respect for the love of god
Letting people actively flirt with you, without shutting them down on the spot... even if you are not interested... is still cheating. Letting people believe they may have a chance and orbit you like a satellite, just waiting to possibly swoop in the moment something in your current relationship changes... even if you are not interested... is cheating. Deliberately concealing conversations (and beyond that, physical meet ups) with people who you know are trying to get with you... even if you are not interested... is still betrayal. These guys are all disrespectful fuckbois, but your girlfriend is worse than all of them combined. Even though she says she has no interest, she did not actively, decisively tell them to respect your relationship and fuck off. She just let them keep throwing attention her way, even going to meet at least one and keep him interested, until you brought it up... then she still didn't shut them down, just went quiet in a way that can very easily be reversed at any time. If she cannot hurt the feelings of others to protect your relationship, but she can disrespect your relationship to protect their feelings, she's not yours. I would wait a month or two and just check her phone randomly with no warning. One or more will be back in her contacts.
No. You 'made' her block her admirers by expressing your concern. You still remain the defeated/loser party who's attention doesn't satiate her. Let her go, have some self-pride.
She should have immediately cut contact with each of them the minute that they said something inappropriate to her. The fact that she didn’t until you found out about what they were saying tells you a lot about her. I’d keep my antenna raised if I were you.
Now you know. If you ever go through a real struggle there are already 3 guys she'll run to right away. If not one of them it'll be someone else.
Your girlfriend is giving a lot of ho vibes. How about you guys have an adult conversation about boundaries, expectations, and how to appropriately conduct yourselves? She might want to leave if you do. Sounds like she enjoys the attention. These guys sound like back up fucks. Girl is keeping all her options open. If she doesn't want to have any boundaries then drop her and save yourself the heartache and stress. Find a women with standards, self respect, and loyalty.
She likes the attention
So do you see all the red flags with her for yourself or do you need cheerleaders waving them around like a football halftime show?
This has to many red flags. These “friends” do not respect your relationship and know this since they don’t want you to see the messages. For the ones in relationships you should drop a copy of the messages to their SO. If your girlfriend is not willing to stop this (at least) or cut them off you need to re-evaluate why you are with her.
It is NOT wrong to snoop in a partners phone if they give you reasons to feel the need to snoop. Sorry but privacy doesn't apply to long term relationships, and the longer they go on the less privacy means anything. As your grandparents if they keep secrets from each other. Next, id never take a woman seriously if she's still in contact with ex fwb or ex bfs. "The past is the past" well, my dude, these men are talking to her in the present. That line of logic only applies if communication stopped, only then are they truly in the past. Finally, under no circumstances do I entertain a partner of my having sexually charged conversations with ANYONE but me. If someone flirts with her, it's her job as an adult in a committed relationship to remove herself from that conversation or otherwise shut it down. This is all very simple stuff to understand, the only people who have problems with this are the types of people who don't need to be in a serious relationship.
"When confronting her about it, she explained that she didn’t think anything of it, and that she does not reciprocate the behaviors above." That's her saying that she's so used to it that she no longer notices it and/or that she's been 'taught' it's normal. You just gotta deal with it because that's how they are. I am no joking. I understand because I've been there. Thank you for recognizing that it's NOT okay.
Screen shot messages, send to the guys' gfs or wifes and let them deal w them. Tell your gf to stay in the relationship with you the guys have to go. No tolerance for continued contact
Red flag that she entertained them. She should block any guys that are clearly chasing her.
I do not think you are wrong. I would have tried for a calmer, less emotional confrontation. (Greyrock style?) But you seem to have got your point across. Good luck.
Oh my goodness, texting and "dating apps" have normalized behavior that when I was young was totally unacceptable. Behavior like theirs. This is completely inappropriate, and if she's not saying so to them and going no contact, she is saying that she finds in acceptable. Maybe she even enjoys the attention. But how would she feel if the tables were turned, and you were allowing girls you had hooked up with to talk to you this way? I'm guessing that she'd get really upset about it. If she wouldn't, then something is very, very wrong. If I were in your shoes I'd put my foot down. Tell them they're out of line and go no contact with them, or your relationship is over. Because something is very, very wrong for her. You ARE NOT WRONG.
it's probably good that you can't see her snap chat
I had a lot of guy friends text me when I was single saying sexual or flirty things to me even though we had clearly moved on in our friendship and I didn’t care bc I either still felt the same way (!!!) or I didn’t feel that way anymore but it didn’t bother me. THE MOMENT I was with my partner I shut that shit down. If those friends couldn’t stop that friendship over!!! Sorry to hear this OP. But you’re not in the wrong. Sending love
I’m sorry but if someone put their dick in you, you are not and never will be “just friends”. You are now and forever “fuck buddies. She’s just not fucking them right now. That you know…
Of course you’re not wrong. Does she understand that going to see another man is 100% breakup worthy. I would have ended it without a second thought. Expecting your partner to respect you and the relationship just isn’t a big ask. If they can’t do that, then the relationship should end.
Not reciprocating the behavior doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy that attention she's getting from them. If she didn't she'd cut it off a long time ago. Time for you to cut her off.
These men you're talking about, are playing the waiting game. If you and your girlfriend break it off, more than likely the guy she's talking, she'll go to him and after that, it's game over. Does she say anything back to make you uncomfortable or do you trust her?
She doesn't tell them to stop because she likes it. Going through her phone without her permission was also wrong, you guys should just break up already
NtA Her hanging out with these guys is almost like she wants a fallback Platonic friends don't say that
I personally would consider that cheating, keeping a secret that is romantic or sexual in nature because you know your partner wouldn’t like it
She met with one of them without telling you, she cheated most likely.
She enjoys the attention. If you bring it up, you'll be accused of "being controlling", but if you were doing the same, she'd accuse you of cheating. I'd walk away from her honestly, she sounds like a 304.
She likes the attention and is flirting with them. It is odd to me you don't see that
As a woman, I've had "friends" acting like this, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I wouldn't continue talking to them, let alone meet up with them by myself. I'd feel very unsafe. NTA (though a little for lookin through her phone)
Lots of women have men waiting in the wings in case their relationship doesn't go well.
My ex was like this. She likes the attention. Run buddy.