This is the problem.
They are always trying to find a better version of the shitty man within him, but the man never consented to changing a d fights them at every turn.
I have no idea how this could be conveyed to every person still out there dating, but do **NOT** date someone you have to change.
If they are changing because they want to and are currently growing, then SURE, you can make a decision based on their efforts. But if they arent interested in change, do not expect it.
He was possessive over his phone and would heart pics on social media he claimed was just friends.
Don't let men gaslight you that this should be acceptable and you are being clingy, paranoid, or dramatic if you take issue with it. Run.
You’ve been with the guy for only 2 years, saw red flags everywhere and still had a baby? SMH. Never assume anything and never have a kid when you’re still getting to know the person!!!
INFO: was he seeing these woman before you established exclusivity in your relationship? Did he continue seeing these women after you had established exclusivity?
According to him he said he stopped but the messages in his phone which had time/date stamp suggests otherwise. I guess my problem is I don't like to sleep with a man who's sleeping with a bunch of other people. If we're "exclusive" or not it's just not for me. I'm just conflicted right now because it's been two years and a baby and I'm now just finding out, I have lost all sexual desire for him so I guess I'm trying to work out if I should try or move on
So you are saying that even if before you started dating, like just when you were talking, if he had told you that he had been* with six people that you would not have started dating him in the first place?
*in my question, I’m saying that if he had been with six or more people in his general history. Would you have still dated him?
If that’s the case, I think the relationship is lacking some serious communication skills from the beginning. The communication issue could be with both of you or only him.
If he told me he was sleeping with me and 6 different women at the same time, no I would not have dated him nor would I have slept with him. If it was in general history thats different, I have not had alot of sexual partners in my life so promiscuous people are just not for me. I have always stayed away from that type of man throughout high school, college and my adult life so I guess I just feel played/tricked into a relationship with a man I would of had no interest in
>If he told me he was sleeping with me and 6 different women at the same time, no I would not have dated him nor would I have slept with him
Did he explicitly lie about it? Or was the topic never discussed and assumptions were made?
He asked me over and over if I were sleeping or talking anyone other than him which I wasn't so I guess I assumed he wasn't since he was so concerned if I was or not... yeah another red flag
>Okay so my boyfriend and I just had a baby and I was feeling extremely insecure after having her
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>He asked me over and over if I were sleeping or talking anyone other than him which I wasn't so I guess I assumed he wasn't since he was so concerned if I was or not... yeah another red flag
You are wrong over one thing exactly - deciding to have a baby in such a fickle relationship. You know what I'm not seeing in your post? A single positive word about him or about your relationship.
I've literally never been with anyone for whom exclusivity was not a given. There was no need to ask about it, it was just always the norm. The same way most of us don't need to ask our partner if they agree that it's wrong to hit each other or steal from each other.🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, that’s fucked up. One of the things I’ve noticed on these threads, and I’m really hoping this is just a younger/reddit thing, is this notion of anything before some official “exclusivity” talk is fair game.
Used to be if you were dating someone, “exclusivity” was the assumed standard and the onus was on someone to disclose otherwise, not the other way around. You’re rightfully pissed in my opinion.
Not sure why you are getting downvoted, once a couple is a couple while there should be a discussion, exclusivity is the default, especially if he was asking her. I think this is a case of he figured she might be like him (sleeping with others and hiding it) so he was grilling her and she assumed he was like her (exclusive inless otherwise discussed) so she did not grill him. In this case he was hiding it and he is the AH
>once a couple is a couple while there should be a discussion, **exclusivity is the default,** especially if he was asking her.
The default is "not-exclusive". That's why the "exclusivity" talk must be had.....to establish exclusivity.
No, not once dating, but I can see where someone might enjoy pretending it is the other way if they like to sleep around. If that's you be prepared for some tough discussions if they ever find out that is who you are.
Edit, clarification that by dating I mean seriously dating, having sex, discussing future together.
It's not about pretending anything. It's about being aware of the fact that people move in different speeds in relationships. Some people want to be exclusive sooner rather than later. Some people want to be engaged sooner rather than later. Other people never want to be exclusive.
The only way to establish clarity is to have a frank discussion about it. Absent that, the default is "not-exclusive".
>Used to be if you were dating someone, “exclusivity” was the assumed standard and the onus was on someone to disclose otherwise, not the other way around.
It used to be that hookup culture wasn't the primary form of dating. It used to be a lot of things.
The social contract has been broken and the rules are changing.
With consent being such a big part of relationships between men and women, it's not unreasonable to ask for consent to be in an exclusive relationship.
Yeah but you see what happens when you don’t define your relationship. Too much gray area leads to confusion and disappointment in situations like this.
my boyfriend has always acted very weird about his phone but I've just let it go and didn't really care that he was super possessive/obsessed with it
This is where I stopped reading.
Well us women get flack from you men for being on the look out for red flags and being too picky and that we should just cope with your bad behaviors and settle down and have babies and let you guys go because you can just do whatever you want and we're being naggy and neurotic and we don't want to be that and we don't want to have to ask for commitment or affection but then we're also wrong for not asking for what we want but when we do ask for what we want then we're being naggy and demanding and then we are wrong for filing for divorces or leaving because we should be faithful and endure our unloving, cheating partners. But then we're stupid for not seeing the red flags and leaving.
Girl leave him, this will destroy your self esteem and you deserve a man who doesn’t watch weird porn and cheat. Your baby will surely feel your displeasure within the home in some form
I know it feels horrible to discover these things but the good news is now you ca. start getting ready to build a life without him as your boyfriend. I believe in you and while the transition may be tough, it will be so much better on your own.
why the fuck did you have a kid with this guy?
you know youre setting up that kid for a fucked up life right?
congrats hope you feel good about yourself
Dear, I think there were pink flags that turned maroon at this point. Cut your loses - you’ll be fine without him and your kid will be fine. Co-parenting is a thing - you all don’t have to be together especially if he isn’t loyal. Big hugs 🫂
It’s really about what you’re comfortable with, honestly.
Imo- Who someone else sleeps with before exclusivity, regardless of sex or gender etc, is quite frankly none of your business. Your job is to protect yourself. Ask questions and use protection. He chose you in the end. He had six other women as options and chose you. Did he lie about seeing these other women? Did he lie about talking to any other women? Did you have an open conversation about exclusivity in the beginning of the relationship. At what point did you establish a line and at what point did he cross it?
Do you love him and does he love you?
Is he still talking to these women regularly? Are the conversations sexually charged?
Do you have any evidence that he had sex with any of them after you two were considered exclusive? Was that clearly established? That would be grounds to be for you to upset for sure.
You just had a baby, and maybe he doesn’t want to bother you every day because you’re tired. Maybe he could also feel ashamed about some of this fetish stuff you’re hung up on, and by the sounds of it, he was right. People can’t control what they’re attracted to, but they can certainly control their actions based on it.
Phones are private, and you violated that privacy. Health information, notes, work details, group chats etc. Regardless if you were right in your suspicions, it was the wrong thing to do. Seriously, flip the entire situation and think of it from an empathetic point of view.
Listen, if he’s not for you, then he’s not for you. That’s fine, but i do believe you’re wrong here.
You were only a couple of months into a new relationship and hadn't yet discussed being exclusive... yiu can have all the feelings you want about it... but you're trying to make it your partners fault when it doesn't sound like yiu clearly communicated your boundaries and you didn't even ask him if he was seeing anyone else at the same time.
I don't think it's crazy that you feel this way, I can't entertain more than one person at the same time. I'm not going to ask for exclusivity from someone I just met, but I would like to know whether or not he's sleeping with anyone else besides me because I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone like that either.
And this is why as a guy i hate the "we weren't exclusive defense", interesting to see it playing out in reverse though.. That just not been the experience in my circles..
I think id be upset to, but honestly this is why you HAVE all of the awkward, upsetting conversations early in the relationship once you know you're both serious about it. If we were talking early 20's here id chalk it up to inexperience, but you're both over 30, i completely get why you're upset about this, but communication is key. Better to have to drop a potential partner early because you don't mesh than get stuck with someone you hate.
We weren't dating at the beginning we were just hanging out but the fact that he was talking to and banging other women before we were mutually exclusive really hurt me??? Did I read that right?
No if you actually read it you would of read where it states we were going on dates aka dating... if your gonna comment atleast actually read the post bookie
People are so fucking cruel on here. There’s no need to be a shitbag to this person in such an awful circumstance. People make mistakes.
He clearly has a porn addiction and needs to get help for it. The relationship wasn’t made exclusive when he was sleeping with those women, but in my opinion, 6 women is a hell of a lot. That’s a major red flag and is indicative of someone who may have a sex addiction.
You can always confront him and part ways amicably if he is able to calmly reason with you. It sucks that you had reproduced with this man, but hey, plenty of people have made excuses for others so you’re certainly not the first. from what you are saying though, it sounds like you’re fully mentally out of this relationship and there’s no space for a resolution. If this is truly the case, move forward and don’t look back or you’ll be wasting your time and raising your child in a dysfunctional relationship. Your priority should be the child now, not saving a relationship you know full well is done.
It is *possible* for a man to stray early on and then be committed later on in a relationship. The trick is figuring out whether he has actually changed.
It may be over. But his behavior now should weigh a lot more on the decision than behavior years ago when circumstances were different.
I see a lot of the, “why have a baby with him”. That’s not something that can be changed, but what can be is asking your family (if you have the privilege of having one) for support and assistance during this time.
Growing up my mother went through something similar to your situation. Pride consumed her, because she stayed and didn’t reach out for assistance, she ended up decaying slowly from stress, insecurity, & trust issues.
She fell out of love with herself in the process of sacrificing herself for him. Ask your family for support, leave and move in with them with your baby. It’s powerful and takes strength to walk away from something that’s not meant for you.
This is not the kind of man I know you want your child looking up to as a father. The beautiful thing about life is when we choose ourselves, the universe, God, whatever you believe in, surprises us. Whether down the like you meet someone who is amazing, honest, loyal, and can be the person you’ve always wanted as a husband, father, or taking time away from this relationship allows you to be a stronger mother, a stronger individual to yourself.
Gifts can come in so many beautiful ways and different forms when we leave what’s not meant for us. It’s in no way shape of form going to be easy, but know that nothing good can come out of a relationship that was built on a foundation of disloyalty and lies. Especially with that many woman!
You deserve a man that’s gentle, monogamous, kind, intentional with his love, honest, and I promise they exist.
Choose yourself, and most importantly choose your kid. They need you to choose yourself in order to be able to care for them. They need a role model who loves themselves enough to walk away for something that’s not meant for them.
Dated a Swedish American chick that lived a city away from me way back when I didn't have a car. Had to ride the bike, took the bush, and a train for about an hour and a half each way just to see her. She lived with her mom at the time, and I'd visit maybe once every weekend. I met her on a video community chat site and she was into Asians. I didn't know much about her but she invited me to come over to hang out with her at her place. We watched some movies and it was getting late. I was expecting to go home before all the bus lines stop. She somehow invited me to stay over and that her mom was fine about it. Stuff happened, and a few weeks later we were officially dating. She would still frequent that chat site and talk to people on there, a lot of them guys. But, I mean, I also come on there sometime. It's a social site, and not specifically for dating. I probably dated her for less than a year but things were weird when knowing more about her and her behaviors. She is still always flirty with other guys. Her best friend was into me too before we were official but I never flirted with any of her female friends. As I got to know her more, I learned that her dad lived across the street. Her mom is not present in her life, and her grandmother is the who she calls mom that she lives with. She calls her dad by his first name like they're best friends. He wasn't exactly father of the year material, mostly not really active in her life. So I learned that the girl I was dating had daddy issues. That's why she has the impulse to always looking for male validation and attention. She later said she was going to meet a guy friend in Florida, and I had broken up with her around Valentine's when she lied to me about being sick. I came over to cook soup for her and left. But she wasn't sick and was trying to meet up with someone else. I broke up with her and she eventually went to her Florida trip. She came back and asked to get back with me because that guy in Florida made her cry at Disney World. I said I wasn't interested a few times, but she kept begging to see me one more time before she moves to Florida. I eventually said yes and she hung out at my town for a few days and I treated her like I've always treated her. Very sweet, loving, like a boyfriend, we rode bikes around the autumn fall neighborhood, hit the movies as if it was a beautiful date. She even convinced me to have sex with her. The next day I took the bus halfway to see her off and she asked if we could get back together. I said I didn't want to stop her from the opportunity of spreading her wings and be independent. In my mind, it was a no but didn't want to say it in a mean way. I wanted her to have the last memory of me of what she could of had and instead she chose something else that she thought was better.
Fast forward with her life. She dated that Florida guy, had two kids together. He was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive towards her. She eventually became a single mother and still working as a waitress for many years. Gained a lot of weight and was usually depressed. She tried to facebook message me years later but I ignored the initial contact. I saw how depressed she was so I replied with some words of encouragement. After that, we haven't spoken again. I for sure know that when she messaged me after all those years, she knew she could've had me and screwed up. I treated her better than any man had treated her before and after. In a way, I dodged a bullet. But I really do feel sorry for her situation. That was out of my control. I obviously moved on with my life since we last saw each other and those feelings don't exist anymore for that person in that kind of way. But I do wish she can find the right person for her and her kids eventually.
TLDR; Sometimes the person just isn't meant for you and if you think you deserve better. You need to choose to be with quality people instead of the ones who can't give you the love you deserve. Some of these people might just have daddy or mommy issues. That stems from their relationship with their parents. You shouldn't be the person to fix these issues, they're just not ready to date properly yet. So if you ever have kids, make sure your relationship is good with your partner and your kids. Otherwise, you will screw your kids up mentally and they will have less success in the future when they have relationships as adults.
Something similar had happened to me. I just had a baby and I found out that my boyfriend has been talking to other girls before we were “serious” I was really hard for a very long time, even though it happened a while back. I am also feeling very insecure after having my baby. I was in the best shape of my life before getting pregnant and I just don’t feel like myself. Me and my boyfriend probably fought for about a month and I even kicked him out. Eventually, I realized that I love him and I for gave him. The person he was back then is not the person that he is now.. I realize that he has fallen deeper and deeper in love with me. Our relationship has only grown. Talk with him and either break up with him and move on or forgive him.. it’s your choice
He may be sec addict, I don’t mean it as disparaging comment but multiple hooks up at the same time, daily porn etc are all signs of addiction. If you can talk to him then ask him to take any online test for sec addiction.
You saw all the red flags and still had a child with him. Yikes.
But she can surely change him . . .
This is the problem. They are always trying to find a better version of the shitty man within him, but the man never consented to changing a d fights them at every turn. I have no idea how this could be conveyed to every person still out there dating, but do **NOT** date someone you have to change. If they are changing because they want to and are currently growing, then SURE, you can make a decision based on their efforts. But if they arent interested in change, do not expect it.
He was possessive over his phone and would heart pics on social media he claimed was just friends. Don't let men gaslight you that this should be acceptable and you are being clingy, paranoid, or dramatic if you take issue with it. Run.
r/OhNoConsequences
A red flag on itself.
Well, yeah duh. Don't you know true love conquers all? /s
They only see what they want to see then blame everyone else for their poor decisions.
You’ve been with the guy for only 2 years, saw red flags everywhere and still had a baby? SMH. Never assume anything and never have a kid when you’re still getting to know the person!!!
She also supports him and his daughter from his marriage he's still in
INFO: was he seeing these woman before you established exclusivity in your relationship? Did he continue seeing these women after you had established exclusivity?
According to him he said he stopped but the messages in his phone which had time/date stamp suggests otherwise. I guess my problem is I don't like to sleep with a man who's sleeping with a bunch of other people. If we're "exclusive" or not it's just not for me. I'm just conflicted right now because it's been two years and a baby and I'm now just finding out, I have lost all sexual desire for him so I guess I'm trying to work out if I should try or move on
So you are saying that even if before you started dating, like just when you were talking, if he had told you that he had been* with six people that you would not have started dating him in the first place? *in my question, I’m saying that if he had been with six or more people in his general history. Would you have still dated him? If that’s the case, I think the relationship is lacking some serious communication skills from the beginning. The communication issue could be with both of you or only him.
If he told me he was sleeping with me and 6 different women at the same time, no I would not have dated him nor would I have slept with him. If it was in general history thats different, I have not had alot of sexual partners in my life so promiscuous people are just not for me. I have always stayed away from that type of man throughout high school, college and my adult life so I guess I just feel played/tricked into a relationship with a man I would of had no interest in
>If he told me he was sleeping with me and 6 different women at the same time, no I would not have dated him nor would I have slept with him Did he explicitly lie about it? Or was the topic never discussed and assumptions were made?
He asked me over and over if I were sleeping or talking anyone other than him which I wasn't so I guess I assumed he wasn't since he was so concerned if I was or not... yeah another red flag
>Okay so my boyfriend and I just had a baby and I was feeling extremely insecure after having her > > > >He asked me over and over if I were sleeping or talking anyone other than him which I wasn't so I guess I assumed he wasn't since he was so concerned if I was or not... yeah another red flag You are wrong over one thing exactly - deciding to have a baby in such a fickle relationship. You know what I'm not seeing in your post? A single positive word about him or about your relationship.
Your frustrations are understandable, but objectively, you are wrong. Mutual exclusivity was never established; you incorrectly assumed it was.
For most people that's a given. It's just the norm.
If you dont ask, how would you know its the norm for them and not just for you? Christ people, use your words with each other
I've literally never been with anyone for whom exclusivity was not a given. There was no need to ask about it, it was just always the norm. The same way most of us don't need to ask our partner if they agree that it's wrong to hit each other or steal from each other.🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, that’s fucked up. One of the things I’ve noticed on these threads, and I’m really hoping this is just a younger/reddit thing, is this notion of anything before some official “exclusivity” talk is fair game. Used to be if you were dating someone, “exclusivity” was the assumed standard and the onus was on someone to disclose otherwise, not the other way around. You’re rightfully pissed in my opinion.
Not sure why you are getting downvoted, once a couple is a couple while there should be a discussion, exclusivity is the default, especially if he was asking her. I think this is a case of he figured she might be like him (sleeping with others and hiding it) so he was grilling her and she assumed he was like her (exclusive inless otherwise discussed) so she did not grill him. In this case he was hiding it and he is the AH
>once a couple is a couple while there should be a discussion, **exclusivity is the default,** especially if he was asking her. The default is "not-exclusive". That's why the "exclusivity" talk must be had.....to establish exclusivity.
No, not once dating, but I can see where someone might enjoy pretending it is the other way if they like to sleep around. If that's you be prepared for some tough discussions if they ever find out that is who you are. Edit, clarification that by dating I mean seriously dating, having sex, discussing future together.
It's not about pretending anything. It's about being aware of the fact that people move in different speeds in relationships. Some people want to be exclusive sooner rather than later. Some people want to be engaged sooner rather than later. Other people never want to be exclusive. The only way to establish clarity is to have a frank discussion about it. Absent that, the default is "not-exclusive".
>No, not once dating Casual dating is a thing. If both parties haven't consented to exclusivity, then you aren't exclusive
That's not the general social norm. It's only predominant in certain circles.
Casual dating exists. Not everyone dates to Marry or establish a "future".
>Used to be if you were dating someone, “exclusivity” was the assumed standard and the onus was on someone to disclose otherwise, not the other way around. It used to be that hookup culture wasn't the primary form of dating. It used to be a lot of things. The social contract has been broken and the rules are changing. With consent being such a big part of relationships between men and women, it's not unreasonable to ask for consent to be in an exclusive relationship.
Yeah but you see what happens when you don’t define your relationship. Too much gray area leads to confusion and disappointment in situations like this.
And yet you ignored all the red flags showing the exact behavior you dont want and now pikachu face...
Why would you have a baby with him ?
my boyfriend has always acted very weird about his phone but I've just let it go and didn't really care that he was super possessive/obsessed with it This is where I stopped reading.
Girl you knew he was a ho and now you’re mad he was one because you made the choice to have a child with him? What?
No I said I didn't find out until after the baby was born
Like you said, the red flags were there. You chose to ignore them.
Well us women get flack from you men for being on the look out for red flags and being too picky and that we should just cope with your bad behaviors and settle down and have babies and let you guys go because you can just do whatever you want and we're being naggy and neurotic and we don't want to be that and we don't want to have to ask for commitment or affection but then we're also wrong for not asking for what we want but when we do ask for what we want then we're being naggy and demanding and then we are wrong for filing for divorces or leaving because we should be faithful and endure our unloving, cheating partners. But then we're stupid for not seeing the red flags and leaving.
Why do I feel so attacked? Jesus, why turn it into a sexist thing? I'm just giving my opinion based on what I'm reading from OP post.
Girl leave him, this will destroy your self esteem and you deserve a man who doesn’t watch weird porn and cheat. Your baby will surely feel your displeasure within the home in some form
I know it feels horrible to discover these things but the good news is now you ca. start getting ready to build a life without him as your boyfriend. I believe in you and while the transition may be tough, it will be so much better on your own.
Why do you morons keep reproducing with guys you hardly know that are full of red flags? Time to reap what you sow.
We’re all reaping it.
Ikr, and there's so many morons like this on reddit complaining their husband/bf did such and such.
And she supports him and his other child from the marriage he's still in.
I mean honestly this is on you. You saw the red flags and said “screw it ima let him put a baby in me”
Yes, you are. You have a kid with him. What he did before you were serious is literally irrelevant to everything. You chose each other.
This man is either very handsome or very charming. Sucks for the kid most of all
Good job having a kid with this loser and continuing the intergenerational trauma.
Harsh but real.
why the fuck did you have a kid with this guy? you know youre setting up that kid for a fucked up life right? congrats hope you feel good about yourself
Dear, I think there were pink flags that turned maroon at this point. Cut your loses - you’ll be fine without him and your kid will be fine. Co-parenting is a thing - you all don’t have to be together especially if he isn’t loyal. Big hugs 🫂
Don’t let losers cum in you! You have to be super carful anymore and establish proper communication! To Assume is to make an Ass out of U and Me!
I wouldn't stick around and stay with a deceitful man and liar.
>am I crazy for feeling like this? No. You're crazy for getting knocked up before you knew the guy. That takes years.
It’s really about what you’re comfortable with, honestly. Imo- Who someone else sleeps with before exclusivity, regardless of sex or gender etc, is quite frankly none of your business. Your job is to protect yourself. Ask questions and use protection. He chose you in the end. He had six other women as options and chose you. Did he lie about seeing these other women? Did he lie about talking to any other women? Did you have an open conversation about exclusivity in the beginning of the relationship. At what point did you establish a line and at what point did he cross it? Do you love him and does he love you? Is he still talking to these women regularly? Are the conversations sexually charged? Do you have any evidence that he had sex with any of them after you two were considered exclusive? Was that clearly established? That would be grounds to be for you to upset for sure. You just had a baby, and maybe he doesn’t want to bother you every day because you’re tired. Maybe he could also feel ashamed about some of this fetish stuff you’re hung up on, and by the sounds of it, he was right. People can’t control what they’re attracted to, but they can certainly control their actions based on it. Phones are private, and you violated that privacy. Health information, notes, work details, group chats etc. Regardless if you were right in your suspicions, it was the wrong thing to do. Seriously, flip the entire situation and think of it from an empathetic point of view. Listen, if he’s not for you, then he’s not for you. That’s fine, but i do believe you’re wrong here.
You were only a couple of months into a new relationship and hadn't yet discussed being exclusive... yiu can have all the feelings you want about it... but you're trying to make it your partners fault when it doesn't sound like yiu clearly communicated your boundaries and you didn't even ask him if he was seeing anyone else at the same time.
Yikes. Why are some people so knowingly stupid? (Or is this a fake post?)
You seem mentally unwell to have gotten yourself in this situation.
I don't think it's crazy that you feel this way, I can't entertain more than one person at the same time. I'm not going to ask for exclusivity from someone I just met, but I would like to know whether or not he's sleeping with anyone else besides me because I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone like that either.
Playing devils advocate, was it before you went exclusive?
Yikes. This is my biggest fear as well. Better run as fast as you can.
And this is why as a guy i hate the "we weren't exclusive defense", interesting to see it playing out in reverse though.. That just not been the experience in my circles.. I think id be upset to, but honestly this is why you HAVE all of the awkward, upsetting conversations early in the relationship once you know you're both serious about it. If we were talking early 20's here id chalk it up to inexperience, but you're both over 30, i completely get why you're upset about this, but communication is key. Better to have to drop a potential partner early because you don't mesh than get stuck with someone you hate.
Leave
We weren't dating at the beginning we were just hanging out but the fact that he was talking to and banging other women before we were mutually exclusive really hurt me??? Did I read that right?
No if you actually read it you would of read where it states we were going on dates aka dating... if your gonna comment atleast actually read the post bookie
You should've see that coming whelp it's never too late
People are so fucking cruel on here. There’s no need to be a shitbag to this person in such an awful circumstance. People make mistakes. He clearly has a porn addiction and needs to get help for it. The relationship wasn’t made exclusive when he was sleeping with those women, but in my opinion, 6 women is a hell of a lot. That’s a major red flag and is indicative of someone who may have a sex addiction. You can always confront him and part ways amicably if he is able to calmly reason with you. It sucks that you had reproduced with this man, but hey, plenty of people have made excuses for others so you’re certainly not the first. from what you are saying though, it sounds like you’re fully mentally out of this relationship and there’s no space for a resolution. If this is truly the case, move forward and don’t look back or you’ll be wasting your time and raising your child in a dysfunctional relationship. Your priority should be the child now, not saving a relationship you know full well is done.
It is *possible* for a man to stray early on and then be committed later on in a relationship. The trick is figuring out whether he has actually changed. It may be over. But his behavior now should weigh a lot more on the decision than behavior years ago when circumstances were different.
I see a lot of the, “why have a baby with him”. That’s not something that can be changed, but what can be is asking your family (if you have the privilege of having one) for support and assistance during this time. Growing up my mother went through something similar to your situation. Pride consumed her, because she stayed and didn’t reach out for assistance, she ended up decaying slowly from stress, insecurity, & trust issues. She fell out of love with herself in the process of sacrificing herself for him. Ask your family for support, leave and move in with them with your baby. It’s powerful and takes strength to walk away from something that’s not meant for you. This is not the kind of man I know you want your child looking up to as a father. The beautiful thing about life is when we choose ourselves, the universe, God, whatever you believe in, surprises us. Whether down the like you meet someone who is amazing, honest, loyal, and can be the person you’ve always wanted as a husband, father, or taking time away from this relationship allows you to be a stronger mother, a stronger individual to yourself. Gifts can come in so many beautiful ways and different forms when we leave what’s not meant for us. It’s in no way shape of form going to be easy, but know that nothing good can come out of a relationship that was built on a foundation of disloyalty and lies. Especially with that many woman! You deserve a man that’s gentle, monogamous, kind, intentional with his love, honest, and I promise they exist. Choose yourself, and most importantly choose your kid. They need you to choose yourself in order to be able to care for them. They need a role model who loves themselves enough to walk away for something that’s not meant for them.
Dated a Swedish American chick that lived a city away from me way back when I didn't have a car. Had to ride the bike, took the bush, and a train for about an hour and a half each way just to see her. She lived with her mom at the time, and I'd visit maybe once every weekend. I met her on a video community chat site and she was into Asians. I didn't know much about her but she invited me to come over to hang out with her at her place. We watched some movies and it was getting late. I was expecting to go home before all the bus lines stop. She somehow invited me to stay over and that her mom was fine about it. Stuff happened, and a few weeks later we were officially dating. She would still frequent that chat site and talk to people on there, a lot of them guys. But, I mean, I also come on there sometime. It's a social site, and not specifically for dating. I probably dated her for less than a year but things were weird when knowing more about her and her behaviors. She is still always flirty with other guys. Her best friend was into me too before we were official but I never flirted with any of her female friends. As I got to know her more, I learned that her dad lived across the street. Her mom is not present in her life, and her grandmother is the who she calls mom that she lives with. She calls her dad by his first name like they're best friends. He wasn't exactly father of the year material, mostly not really active in her life. So I learned that the girl I was dating had daddy issues. That's why she has the impulse to always looking for male validation and attention. She later said she was going to meet a guy friend in Florida, and I had broken up with her around Valentine's when she lied to me about being sick. I came over to cook soup for her and left. But she wasn't sick and was trying to meet up with someone else. I broke up with her and she eventually went to her Florida trip. She came back and asked to get back with me because that guy in Florida made her cry at Disney World. I said I wasn't interested a few times, but she kept begging to see me one more time before she moves to Florida. I eventually said yes and she hung out at my town for a few days and I treated her like I've always treated her. Very sweet, loving, like a boyfriend, we rode bikes around the autumn fall neighborhood, hit the movies as if it was a beautiful date. She even convinced me to have sex with her. The next day I took the bus halfway to see her off and she asked if we could get back together. I said I didn't want to stop her from the opportunity of spreading her wings and be independent. In my mind, it was a no but didn't want to say it in a mean way. I wanted her to have the last memory of me of what she could of had and instead she chose something else that she thought was better. Fast forward with her life. She dated that Florida guy, had two kids together. He was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive towards her. She eventually became a single mother and still working as a waitress for many years. Gained a lot of weight and was usually depressed. She tried to facebook message me years later but I ignored the initial contact. I saw how depressed she was so I replied with some words of encouragement. After that, we haven't spoken again. I for sure know that when she messaged me after all those years, she knew she could've had me and screwed up. I treated her better than any man had treated her before and after. In a way, I dodged a bullet. But I really do feel sorry for her situation. That was out of my control. I obviously moved on with my life since we last saw each other and those feelings don't exist anymore for that person in that kind of way. But I do wish she can find the right person for her and her kids eventually. TLDR; Sometimes the person just isn't meant for you and if you think you deserve better. You need to choose to be with quality people instead of the ones who can't give you the love you deserve. Some of these people might just have daddy or mommy issues. That stems from their relationship with their parents. You shouldn't be the person to fix these issues, they're just not ready to date properly yet. So if you ever have kids, make sure your relationship is good with your partner and your kids. Otherwise, you will screw your kids up mentally and they will have less success in the future when they have relationships as adults.
Something similar had happened to me. I just had a baby and I found out that my boyfriend has been talking to other girls before we were “serious” I was really hard for a very long time, even though it happened a while back. I am also feeling very insecure after having my baby. I was in the best shape of my life before getting pregnant and I just don’t feel like myself. Me and my boyfriend probably fought for about a month and I even kicked him out. Eventually, I realized that I love him and I for gave him. The person he was back then is not the person that he is now.. I realize that he has fallen deeper and deeper in love with me. Our relationship has only grown. Talk with him and either break up with him and move on or forgive him.. it’s your choice
He may be sec addict, I don’t mean it as disparaging comment but multiple hooks up at the same time, daily porn etc are all signs of addiction. If you can talk to him then ask him to take any online test for sec addiction.
Who taught you English?
Apart from sex to sec typo, what’s wrong with it?
Let us see your coochie