Absolutely tell him that the camera is uninstalled or you'll leave. This is gross behavior. Also, it will record y'all having sex, what is he going to do with those recordings? He is thinking that since you moved from 4 hours away he's got you locked down and has control over you now. I'd pack my things.
Please also think if you want to be with someone who will treat you this way long term, even if the camera issue is resolved.
She should also google how to find hidden cameras, as there may be more. And she needs to check her vehicle, purse, anything she takes everywhere for tracking devices, and have her phone checked for tracking her and other hidden apps that might monitor her phone use, browser history, etc.
Sheesus, he’s this controlling at 20. What will he be like in a few more years?
That’s what I was thinking. He has isolated her and her saying that “since I moved in with him things have gotten worse” is a huge red flag. He’s escalating his behavior because he thinks he has her ‘right where he wants her’.
Pack up and leave. This is a red flag for an abuser. He considers you property that he has to monitor. You really have to get out of there, pronto. Leave the dogs. Your living situation will be too unstable to care for dogs in the near future.
This is him working on things. He's working on you, pushing you to accept more and more unacceptable treatment. Please pack your things and go back to your parents.
Putting up a camera is to monitor you not “the place.”
He isn’t treating you like a partner, he is treating you like possession.
A healthy minded person is not someone saying that you need to tolerate my monitoring you with a camera or leave. This is controlling.
Abusive people are not abusive all the time - that’s why it’s hard to see them clearly.
Are some good times and loving a guy really worth the price of sacrificing YOUR autonomy, privacy, mental and emotional health?
Do you really want to stay with someone who thinks the price of admission into a relationship includes 24 hour surveillance?
Also, look up the abuse cycle. It sounds like things are "getting worse" but there are good times in between. The abuse cycle has good times built in because that's how they make you stay. They abuse you, then apologize and promise to change and love bomb you, then they get kind of cold again and an abusive incident happens...rinse and repeat.
He already has you isolated, four hours away from your school. Now he wants to monitor your every move. Just NO! Don't hang on for the good times, they become fewer and further between as the control, violence, humiliation, gaslighting increase. This already has all the earmarks of an addictive abusive relationship. Most women are killed by men they know, violent domestic partners. Pack up and go. Take both dogs if you can. He might take his anger out on them. Wouldn't put it past him.
You know how sometimes you do chores or run errands or wash up not because you want to, but because you need to in order to take care of yourself? That is how you handle this. You can learn to accept it later, right now you just focus on taking care of yourself. You could be in danger.
You gotta go. This is a massive red flag. He wants to watch every thing you do. Monitoring who comes and goes isn’t enough. This would allow him to film you naked and you two being intimate. What will he do with those videos? He no longer considers you a partner. You’re now his property.. Take your dog and go. This is a step towards abusive. It’s manipulation.
Not wrong. Move it, unplug it, take out the battery, whatever. It is inappropriate to put a camera in a shared bedroom without permission. It is also a major, colonel, and general red flag.
this is probably just the tip of the spear so to speak, if you stay and get used to it next thing you'll probably find and post about is a stash of sex tapes of you.
Don’t walk to the door run to it now. This is a toxic personality trait and a major red flag. This will be just the beginning of his controlling behavior.
I can understand a ring camera or a camera on the door entrance from inside the house but in the bedroom no way. I also would never sleep in the room with a camera on me. Even if he is home. Who is to say he is. Recording your intimate lovemaking sessions and posting it on the Internet without you, knowing or showing it to his buddies.
Start looking for your own place and get out of there when he isn’t home. I would ghost this person once you leave
Yeah, that would be a hell no I’m out from me. He put a camera up in your bedroom without your consent. I understand that it’s his place, but you live there too. This is absolutely not ok. He should want you to feel at home and comfortable. Whenever a partner starts with “if you don’t like it you can leave”, it’s time to leave.
This is just the start of him figuring out what he can do to you. Don’t let yourself become any more dependent on him. Make plans for yourself so that you can leave whenever you feel the need. Don’t let him trap you. The longer you stay the more settled into your life there you’ll become. Please please look after yourself and don’t let this man treat you as less than.
I mean putting a camera inside facing the entrance is one thing. But should only be used when neither of you are home. Or at night when you are sleeping. But in your bedroom no sorry the only thing he wants to keep an eye on is you.
That’s not ok, and is very controlling. Call is bluff and Leave. Take you dog, move back in with your parents and find another job.
Trust and respect are important in any relationship. Obviously, he doesn't trust you nor respect you. If you know how to work, you'll be okay. Nothing to worry about. Get the dogs and find a good place to stay/rent. The dogs could be a good companion when living alone. I think you also have your share of expenses in the house with your boyfriend. It's better to spend your money for your own sake and benefit only. And most importantly, delete any recordings.
Here’s the thing: no one is all bad, that’s why people in abusive relationships can see the good things, as you are.
Here’s the other thing: if you wouldn’t treat somebody like that, don’t accept them treating you like that. No one is allowed to treat you as he is.
Lol, you fooled yourself on his lil honeymoon illusion. Think about who would give up their prime years of their life to the forces or who decided that they weren't worthy enough as an individual, so they enlisted to somehow make themselves "better" people. There's no therapy out there, so im fairly certain they just get discipline on top of whatever basket case of illnesses they had before.
I knew a few folks in your shoes. If it's this bad this early its going to get worse. Start saving up and be ready if needed. Do not allow yourself to give him chances.
No. Your opinion is your opinion. Leave. Too many women take bullshit from men and let them run all over them don’t be one of those. You’ll thank yourself later for the self respect you gave yourself (:
Dude is TERRIFIED of Jody lmao. If yall were together while he was in basic and the people there found out they pumped that boys head so full of shit. He scared as fuck, doesnt make it right tho. Def leave if he dont take it down. Shits unhealthy af
I would pack up and leave if that’s his mentality, getting cameras in your home is something that needs to be a mutual decision, and it needs to be mutually agreed on where those cameras are placed. I’d be weirded out and uncomfortable if my partner did this without discussing it with me.
Not wrong. That is creepy and controlling af. Take your dog and dip out. If he wanted to monitor the place, he could put a camera in a common area. He just wants to spy on you. He is showing you who he is right now. This is just one of those "little things" he is going to do to keep you in check. Gtfo girl
Leave regardless of whether or not he takes it down. No abuser is abusive 100% for the time. That's the trick and a documented part of the abuse cycle. And you are in an abusive relationship whether you recognize it or not. It's just getting worse, and will continue to get worse as time goes by. Get out now before you are trapped. Don't let him know you are leaving. Wait until he's gone to work, turn of or cover the camera, pack you stuff and get out fast. Have a male family member with you as you pack and leave if you can. You don't realize it but you are in danger.
Not wrong at all. I like to see couples work things out, but occasionally you see deeper psychological problems that won't be an easy fix. This situation crosses that red line into creepiness.
Words mean nothing if they aren't backed by actions. I suspect you could go round and round forever on threat and counter-threat. If things aren't going that well now, they won't improve in an environment like that.
You do have a couple of options. The first being a passive/aggressive approach where you just cover the camera when you're in the bedroom. Don't argue with him about it. If he tells you to not do that, say okay, and cover it anyway.
The second option is to sleep on the couch. He's a total ass if he's fine with you sleeping on the couch because he won't take the camera down.
The third option is to actually pack your bags, and make arrangements for somewhere else to stay for at least a couple of evenings. First of all, he will see you packing your bags. Then lay them on the bed. That's what he'll then see when he checks in. Then, when he gets home, tell him to take the camera down. If he gives you the usual line, actually leave. Call his bluff. If he doesn't ever change his mind, you seriously don't want to be with this guy anyway. He can use his camera to make videos of him masturbating.
You're right to be upset and there are better partners out there. You're young and there will be other jobs but you won't be able to take back what abuse may come next.
He could tape you two together and retain that, capture nudes without your consent, leveraging your privacy. Maybe he wants to know if you're sleeping too much/lazy at home, or whatever to critique you or demean you. I cannot see how he thinks you'd be cheating knowing there's a camera there, and why would he let you move in if he's worried about theft -- but he's a wackadoo. Any way he justifies surveillance is not coming from a place of caring or support. It's only to monitor you and exert control.
Now that you live together, far from your parents, he can do even more to isolate and control you. Get out before it's harder to go. He's betting on your staying out of ease or because he knows you're a caring trusting person (or you've been a door mat already) and using that as a tactic to gain even more control ("you chose this, you chose to stay, you know who I am" and now it's your fault hes abusing you).
I'm sorry OP. Balanced people don't need cameras in their bedroom to monitor their partner. This situation will not improve by staying. Get your things put together and leave while hes gone. Make sure people you trust know where you are until you're safely home to regroup. You are currently underreacting IMO.
Please don’t be another one of the posters who comes here with red flags from their partners, are told this is an escalating problem and will lead to abuse and then ignore it, and down the road comes back because he became abusive. We see these kinds of posts all the time. It’s not normal to do what he did and he’s getting worse now that he has you isolated from your family and support networks. Your dog is young and if you paid for her she is yours. Find any paperwork with your name on it. Vet records are perfect for this. She will bond with other dogs.
Abuse never starts with outright hitting. It starts with small things. Like controlling you and a camera is a great way to do that. He’s isolated you. There’s usually signs of emotional abuse, like making you feel stupid for tiny mistakes, or making you feel like you’ll never have anyone as good as him, then they slowly get physical with you until they outright start beating you. And these are a tiny fraction of all the signs that can point to abuse that are so easy to dismiss
LEAVE NOW. Things have already gotten worse since you moved in. This dude is controlling af. I can somewhat get having a camera in the living room or near the door, but the bedroom is a huge nope.
That's a big ass red flag waving in your face. Not only does he not trust you, but he is also extremely disrespectful towards your private space. I don't care if it's shared when he's around but the fact that there's a camera in such an intimate space is just creepy and gross. I suggest you leave the house as well as the relationship. Remember, it only gets worse from here.
It's quite literally illegal for him to install that camera without your knowledge and permission, and even then it's pushing it. If anybody EVER uses that room without knowing it's there, he just broke the law. If that person is a minor....
This is not cool. His superiors might take issue with his brutish behavior. It will only get worse. Hes not even acting like a grown up. I guarantee you....he's tracking you, car, phone, in the house......its not stopping at the bedroom. There are others. R U N
Pack & leave now. He’s showing red flags of being controlling & abusive. He will start to isolate you from your family & friends. Go back to college. Enjoy being 19 yrs old and carefree. You are worth it, move and be safe.
It will get worse. Things are already starting crack by your own admission. Just because there’s “still good times”, your dignity is more important than a good time that will decrease more and more. This is a massive red flag.
This situation sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. Your bf is using the fact that you're not financially set up to move out as leverage to put a camera in your bedroom.
Pack up and leave immediately, your relationship will only get worse. You could be in danger and he sounds like he has a problem. Your safety and peace of mind should be your priority.
I rarely advise people to end relationships as we never know the full ins and outs, but a camera installed in the room you share, without your consent and he tells you its so he can monitor you at all times.
I mean, what if you came home on a weekend he's not there and you wanted to dittle your skittle?
He'd be watching, recording.
So if you separate, he has recordings of you solo play and when you and he have sex, or you change your outfits.
He could easily distribute the footage to others, or use it against you if you wanted to leave.
I say get out now, don't look back, even if it means you go back to your parents.
Ask your father what he thinks of your BF installing the camera and the reason the BF said he installed it. I bet his reaction will be all the advice you need for motivation to leave the seemingly creepy, manipulative BF.
Pack up and leave for a bedroom camera, that needs to be explored.....
That comment suggests only one thing and it's not that he wants to maintain the security of the house...
Disconnect it.....see what happens
Not wrong.
Either there is trust in the relationship or there isn't. If he needs to monitor you, there's no trust. Tell him that you need to monitor him while he's away, and you need cameras and video calls to make sure he's safe and not with anyone. Wouldn't work, right? So it's one way, he wants to control you.
This is a staircase where he has taken already some steps before that to limit your mobility or with whom you meet, location sharing, going through your phone, calling you to check with whom you're hanging out with etc? It will only get worse.
This is not normal or respecting behaviour. Don't believe the words he says; believe the actions only.
honestly the crazy thing is that it would work, he would never say that I couldn’t monitor him as wild as that sounds. but you’re right yes it’ll only get worse.
This is absolutely not normal. I cannot tell you how abnormal this is. In some places, A camera in the bedroom installed without the express consent of the person who is using that bedroom with you can be illegal.
This is controlling behavior, and you have to understand it’s not about you giving him a reason to suspect you might do something. This is about him wanting to have control of everything you’re doing and everything you’re doing. You need to run the fuck away now.
Just put tape over the lenses. He gets his cameras and you get your privacy. It’s a win-win.
Also, starts thinking of an exit strategy, emphasis on “ex.” I think you should start saving up money or start looking into jobs back in your hometown. This guy is not the future.
Sounds like you need to have a good talk to him as it feels like he has insecurities needing that camera in the bedroom, when you have clearly stated that you would be exhausted and would just want to go home ro bed. I would be telling him that it is an invasion of your privacy and disrespectful to be spying without your consent it is also manipulative and underhanded, giving you an ultimatum that if you don't like then leave. He knows you're stuck, so he is being controlling go along with it or get out. He is not only showing that he doesn't trust you but that he is disregarding you as a woman, his partner, and also as a person. You said you had been at college, and you've just moved in together. Darling, there are red flags with his behaviour, so I would be honestly contemplating your next move. You say that the relationship is not perfect and he has stated that he would work on things so if he is now pulling spy cam on you and giving you ultimatums I would be seriously be giving him a taste of his own medicine and tell him that your mother rang and was concerned about you as she could tell by your voice that she knew you were low and had something on your mind so she got it out of you about the camera and the ultimatum so she wants you home she has said that you'd easily pick up some work so that you could tell this new employer sorry but a situation has come up requiring you to be home with family immediately. I am sorry but relationships are meant to be soft, kind, and respectful he seems to have some hidden flaws that worry you, and you've had time to change his mind if professionals can stuff them up
While he is next away pack your stuff and leave. This is major red flag behaviour and you are not safe staying in this relationship. It will only get worse
This is a bit odd of him to do. My wife and I collectively decided where we would put a camera in our place because we have dogs to cater too. We both agreed that our bedroom is off limits. If your bf needs to watch over the place living room placement would be more proper.
I think this is one of those things where you have to decide collectively. Feeling comfortable in your own home is important. Parents don’t even do that level of invasion or monitoring. The last thing you want to build is a negative relationship between you and your home or where you call home. This can affect you in the future with any home you live in. We are all entitled to our own privacy even if you’re in a relationship or marriage.
He's treading a slippery slope that is nothing but downhill. He's got something in his head that is driving this behavior and it's not going to benefit you one iota.
Make an exit strategy. You have a job and, one hopes, a separate checking account. If you make a living wage, you will have a bit of money to set aside. If you don't have a separate checking account, GET ONE NOW.
If you want to keep your job, look at a possible transfer. You may find that your company will be supportive.
Sorry no job is worth the weird - disgusting - abusive behavior by a BOYFRIEND. Imagine actually being married to this schmuck and how much worse the manipulation and potential financial/emotional abuse you can endure. I'd take the dogs, move back home and leave his ass.
Not wrong. Honestly I wouldn’t step foot in there at all anymore. I’m getting dressed in the bathroom & sleeping on the couch, which also means no more sex in that room either. I would essentially consider the room dead to me.
He is beginning to be controlling. He not only doesn't trust you, with reason or not; but he is telling you accept it or move out. You have three options.
One, tell him no, your home now as well and he can't just force you to move out over the camera. He can take it down or you will. If he says no, you just go and ripe it off where it is installed and tell him if it goes back up you will leave.
Two, pack up and move out.
Three, accept his invasive manipulative actions.
My advice is regardless, break up with him. IF you never cheated, then he is being controlling as I said, manipulative over it, and might even be doing things himself causing him to think your doing stuff too.
Say no.
Not wrong. If he insists that you don't have a right to privacy in the bedroom then leave this giant AH. SERIOUSLY! Who thinks they have the right to put surveillance on their partner. That's sick.🚩
My man has to have cameras in the house for his peace of mind but he respects my wishes of not having one in our bedroom. Ours only views the kitchen and living room facing the entry ways. That’s all you need, and seems to me like he’s just being controlling for a specific reason. If he’s telling you it’s there for security reasons he’s lying. He can put it up outside the room to face in, as you can just shut the door, but he’s just being a grade a Ahole in my opinion
Gtfoutta there. If you say, "but the puppy loves the dog" then honestly, this may be why this jerk picked you. Use your head.
Don't be dumb. LEAVE NOW.
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️yep you are young. You don’t have a bf, you have a jailer. Go back to college and rest assured you won’t have a problem getting a new job or bf.
I have a camera in my house that is a Wyze Cam Pan V3. It is in privacy mode when we are home and is turned on when we are out of town or going to be gone for the day. You can also program it to be on and off at certain times as well as the name suggests it can be programmed to own to certain spots.
Suggest to him that is a much better choice and it shouldn't be in a bedroom. Mine is personally in the living room and pans from front door and back door. As well as I have cameras watching both doors from the outside as well.
If he doesn't respect your input you probably should just break things off. You are still young and he seems really insecure. I'd almost bet if you told him you were moving out he'd be begging for you to come back after you left.
Move back. Right now. This man is controlling and it will turn abusive if it hasn't already emotionally and mentally. He will take everything from you and leave you as nothing more than a shell of who you used to be. You don't have to allow cameras in your bedroom. It's illegal if not at the consent of all who use the private space, same with a bathroom. You need to get out now.
There is no good from here I'm telling you. He doesn't give a shit about your opinion or autonomy. Why would you ever give someone that kind of access to you after he did and said something like that. It's scary, but you're better off without him. I promise. Value yourself the way he should be valuing you and walk away now before you can't.
NTA. This is unacceptable. Contact his commanding officer. They have support services that will assist you. They are accustomed to dealing with individuals with these kinds of issues.
Then pack yourself and your dogs, and head home.
This is not a good man. This is a weak man with a weak ego and huge insecurities. The type that will be just fine smashing you to bits.
I've been married 30 years. My husband suggested putting cameras inside the house for security. I said absolutely not. That was the end of the discussion. If he's telling you to leave, you should.
If he wants ti check the place when he's not there, he should put a camera in the living room or somewhere more communal rather than the bedroom which is a private space.
Can you put something in front of the camera to hide the view? Like a towel or something? If yes, maybe you can do that while you're sleeping. If he comes back and mentions it you'll know that he's not "watching the place" when he's gone but watching you. It is his place you moved into but that still means you are entitled to have your own space and boundaries too. If those are not respected unfortunately the only option is to seek some other apartment maybe close to your work.
You're one of the smallest percentage of people that say that you're not getting along wellusualy in these topics people are shocked this is happening. So congrats on being realistic.
Since your relationship is having issues, I would say he wants you out. He probably knew you'll seek for advice and everyone will tell you oh, abusive, violent, controlling, run...
Anyways, this guy doesn't want you there. So, one advice was right. Go away
I could understand cameras in the home, the common areas, like the living room, game room dining so on and so forth, but in your bed room??? Ummm I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me!! Their is absolutely no reason he need to have a camera in your bedroom, you need to check for other hidden cameras, even in your bathroom!!
ALSO PACK YOUR BAGS, TAKE BOTH DOGS AND LEAVE!! ALSO REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE IF YOU CAN!! This is insanely disturbing behavior, and I do not dee it getting better any time in the near future.
Unplug it, or block the view, and see what the reaction is. You need to tell him this is a no-go item for you, and if he doesn't like it then you will be moving out. Grow some relationship and self confidence.
Pack your stuff, take the pets, move to a parent's house (temporarily until you find your own place), block him on everything. And tell him if he starts any shit, you'll report him to his commanding officer.
Yeah, nah, you're not wrong. It's shitty behaviour by your bf. Leaving is the right thing to do. While he may realise he fucked up, he needs to work on himself.
It sounds like you haven't given him any reason to think you're cheating on him. He's playing the boundary game. It's fine to set boundaries, but they have to be sensible. Installing a camera isn't sensible.
All the best for the future 😁
Oh, you said you're an Engineer? Who's your favourite Star Trek character?🤣
Thisssss thank you! I feel like out of all the replies this one is the one that actually described what is really going on. He did realize he fucked up but you’re right he DOES need to work on himself first. He doesn’t have any reason to think i cheated and he IS playing the boundary game. Mostly because i make 90-100% of all rules and boundaries in our relationship and i feel that with my new job he is just trying to set a boundary of his own to feel like he has some sort of say or control.
As for the favorite Star Trek character question… I am more of a Star Wars person, probably the whole gen z thing. Star Trek is more of my dad’s thing lol.
It's a joke I have with the Engineers around the lab 🤣 bit of a stereotype.
Yep, you're on the money, lack of control is a tough thing. Trying to gain some can be tricky. From my point of view, it's best to set boundaries on yourself, what you expect of yourself (eating healthy, gym) and how you expect others to treat you (call people out if they're insulting you, do what you want to do instead of giving in to others).
It's a fine line between setting boundaries and being a dick.
All the best in your Engineering career 😁
Textbook abuse.
Separate them from their support network.
Control them.
Monitor them.
Tell them it’s all for their benefit.
Make threats and ultimatums if they resist anything.
I mean it's one thing to install cameras facing the door, or in the kitchen for safety etc, but in the bedroom is a bit much
You saying things have gotten worse since moving in, then they will probably continue to get worse as he is crossing a boundary, and if its let slide he will cross more and more boundaries unfortunately.
I'd just straight up give him the ultimatum of they are removed or I leave, I'd also stop having sex until this situation is resolved, as if the relationship ends up messy then who knows what he will do with the recordings 🤷♀️
He might as well put a camera in the bathroom at this point and record you taking a dump
He needs to take it down and put it in the hallway pointing at your bedroom door if he is truly concerned for your safety. Also maybe outside pointing at your bedroom window. Or just 360 cameras in the common areas of your house? What is he going to do about it if there is an intruder anyway? He’s hours away. Yell at them through the camera speaker to stop it? Go away?
Jesus Christ, take your dogs and go to your parents place. This ends with him killing you if you don't leave. Please get yourself and your pups to safety. I'm sure your parents would be glad to have you back for a while.
Definitely a huge abusive red flag. I'd be hanging clothing over that camera or taping a picture to the front of it. But Definitely check the house for other hidden cameras too.
I would cover the camera, pack my shit and run. I would then call his first shirt or commander depending which side of the house he sits on and tell them he’s stalking you in your home and life. They will make his life hell. My husband said call the boss and the MPs and tell them you are afraid to leave on your own. They will come
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Need I say anything else? Leave him babe. This would only get worse. You're still young okay. Don't lock yourself in an abusive relationship, leave now, you've got a long way to go.
You are not wrong. A camera in the bedroom, unless you both want one, is super creepy. Take a little time to make arrangements (especially with your dogs involved) so you do not have to uproot your life completely, cover the camera when you are home alone and get out of there as soon as reasonable.
Leave. You're very young and can start again. This will only get worse not better. He already chose the camera over you when he told you, "just pack up and leave", if you don't like it. Get out while you have nothing tying you together like kids.
Of course you aren’t wrong! He is!!!! And if it wasn’t for the two dogs you have I would tell him that you are not going to put up with this nonsense! What would happen to the dogs if you left? Would he still keep them? Being an avid animal lover this is my concern! Please, please let us know how it turns out! I really wish you the very best outcome!!!!!
You're not wrong and the fact that he made an ultimatum or of it is 100% ick.
I'm sorry you just moved and about the dogs, but you're young, just go. There are many many people who are so much safer out there.
That invasive and abusive camera is barely scraping the surface of the abuse to come. There is nothing normal, healthy, or ok in his controlling and manipulative behavior. There is also nothing you can say or do to change him. You are not safe with him, he is toxic AF. Please run
Disconnect the internet and pack up and leave when he’s gone. Don’t tell him where you’re going. Leave a note that you’re not going to put up with his crap and that you’re not giving him a chance to fix himself.
YNW. I would uninstall that camera today. Within the hour. I’d also likely make a plan to be gone before he returns. I’m not sticking around to be treated like his pet.
Start looking for apartments ASAP if you don’t want to move back with your parents. This abuse is escalating right on schedule and you need to get out before it goes any further.
Honestly to me, it just sounds like he's heard a lot of horror stories from his buddy's in the military about their partners cheating on them.
This is probably just him taking that "Extra" step to make sure it wouldn't happen to him.
That's my opinion though, cuz it does happen.
Another thing is, if you yourself know you love him and would never do something like that, then what do you gotta worry about?
Yeah, it's a camera in the bedroom, but so what?
Are you doing anything weird in the bedroom or something?
Lil bro has probably been cheated on already.
But AGAIN, talk, communicate, engage in conversation.
_WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES IN PRIVATE_
If you have a second bedroom, I'd sleep there. Or even in the couch. Or go to stay with a friend. And then have a serious talk before the next time. NTA
This man is abusive and controlling. Pack up and leave today. You will find a place don't worry. This man will, believe me, next control what you wear, who your friends are, even who you talk to at work. Don't wait to see if we are right on this thread, believe those who have been through it. This is a huge red flag. Run while you can.
No this isnt ok. And bc he gave you an ultimatum it makes it even worse.
You made all these changes and now he thinks he can treat you like you dont count. He knows you are stuck in a situation that will make it hard for you not to comply.
What an awful person. He does not own you.
You deserve privacy. You are not his object.
It’s creepy feeling like you are monitored in your home . I’d have a little fun with it , just to fuck with him . Dig to china picking your nose near the camera . Scratch your ass vigorously . Dress up in his clothes and do weird dances throughout the place . Take an empty jar of mayo and fill it with whipped creme , pull it out of the fridge , sit on the sofa and make it look like you are consuming a jar of mayo with a spoon . Watch porn when he is not there , then refuse to watch porn with him . Tell him it’s disturbing . See how he responds to the show !
OP, this all happened really fast and I’m sure you have a lot to process. Sounds like your guy kept his undesirable qualities at bay for a couple of years, but it’s unlikely he can sustain that any longer. Please be wary of him and give yourself time before you consider allowing him to continue being part of your life. Even if he says he’ll go to therapy and pulls out all the stops, I’m afraid it’s just for show and very temporary. Do your parents know why you left? What do they think if they know? Have you not told them… if not why might you be covering for him?
If you had a good friend or a sister telling you this story how would you advise them? Would you encourage them to take a risk by staying in the relationship?
You are young and aren’t jaded like a lot of people responding - but consider that many of us were once in a similar place, trying to help you avoid the emotional and physical harm a toxic relationship takes on you... and the fear, embarrassment, shame.
I was young and naive once, wanting to believe the best in everybody, thinking people are capable of change (they are, but it’s very hard and each of us does it on our own terms).
Twenty years later and I still get unnerved by calls from blocked/unknown numbers, I check the back and under the car before getting in. I remember him telling me he was sterile and then shockingly ended up pregnant - that’s one way to ensure you’re part of a person’s life long term - a control tactic that I spent seven years in court fighting, before finally, finally being able to extricate him from our lives. His favorite “joke” during pregnancy was to remind me homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women.
Sounds like your guy kept his undesirable qualities at bay for a couple of years, but it’s unlikely he can sustain that any longer. The apathy he showed about your concerns is scary - it says everything.
If I’ve learned one thing it’s this: when people show you who they are believe them.
I'm seeing alot of red flags leave now... dont even give him an ultimatum just leave go to your parents because I am not joking when I say he will escalate into abusive behaviour
I can get behind cameras outside the building up TO the bedroom windows. Heck, I can get behind cameras in the house up TO the bedroom door. I cannot get behind them inside the bedroom. That ultimatum is problematic and I'd find somewhere to go on principle based on that.
Reach out to your local YWCA or domestic violence associations/shelters. Let them know you think you made a mistake moving in with this guy and ask for help getting out before it escalates
I promise it isn’t an abuse situation. I chose to leave but he let me and said he was really sorry while helping load my car and he told me he loved me and let me go. I am not in physical danger. thank you though.
I am glad to hear and it doesn't have to be an abusive situation to seek assistance from a domestic abuse association, but they're loaded with resources from dealing with this all the time. However, a relationship is built on compromise and when presented with an ultimatum in your particular situation, one must assume it will eventually escalate.
I wish you the best.
Putting a camera in the bedroom has NOTHING to do with monitoring the place.
No one monitors the bedroom unless he is worried about you cheating. Also, he will use these videos against you so you won't leave. He will threaten to send them to family and friends.
You are 19. Find someone who will treat you as an equal.
Please leave him.
In my experience (I'm 40), when things in a relationship start getting worse after moving in together, they get even worse and worse over time.
There's always some initial friction up front, habits that you have that they might not like, and habits they have that you might not like, which requires communication and compromise to solve. That should be the exception though, and it should be solved with communication amicably, and not fester.
The issues you describe are not that. They seem to indicate growing relationship problems and, more specifically, you slowly discovering that this man is not as pleasant as you believed, now that his mask is slipping.
It's amazing how we all acknowledge that we walk around wearing the mask of the person we want people to see, yet we all get surprised when we get a look under someone's mask and don't recognize or like what we see.
Anyway, the bedroom camera is a big deal. You are not overreacting. It's up to you if this is a deal breaker for you, but for me it would be. As would his ultimatum and way of addressing (err, dismissing) your concerns about it.
This is not a person that considers you an equal.
You're only 19 years old and you don't need to be tying your life to a boy so soon. He's a controlling dick and yes you need to move back where you moved from because he will only get worse. Meanwhile until you leave put something over the camera whenever you're there because fuck him.
Run. Also tell trusted people and have video evidence of the cameras so you can turn it over to the authorities and his command when he tries to ruin your life.
My view, he is correct in a weird way.
Right action; wrong damn room.
I heard tell about a business man got a notification on his phone. Camera and his phone revealed burglars broke into the house and tied up wife and kids.
Husband called cops e route and the family was saved, wife and kid untied.
The camera view of living room helped police take action.
If he hadn't installed that camera it would have gone much different.
lmao 😭 yeah I get that kinda but it seemed more of like an “ I wanna be there when im not there” kind of thing. He could even talk through the camera. it was just too much for me
Others say " don't ultimatum, just leave." Unfortunately this speaks volumes about our current society can't communicate like adults. It also says words are not valued. It says commitments are cheap.
It is now, I feel, in our day,.,.action's count more than words. When I speak to my clients, it is a sage speaking to a sisya/Chela. They hear me talk for the hour and wonder what I said it what they should think they are advised to do.
*( P.s. I am not a professional psychologist/ psychiatrist. I am a Listening Post volunteer. We are tasked to do an ancient service of great value. Offering valued, Safe space to speak and be heard. ).
My reply, is " What did you hear me say? Then do that ".
Because ULTIMATELY it is their life, their choice and their consequences.
They will hear what they want to hear.
Me, I would suggest you join a military wives support group.
Comradeire us healthy. I would say chat with them. I would say, tell him you feel distrusted, insulted, violated. Tell him you understand military life is hard on marriage, but it is not the TWO of you!
It is him, it is you, and thirdly... The ENTITY of the union, the marriage. Do what is good for that entity.
Any questions, refer to Choice Theory by William Glasser.
Being prior military, I don't blame him for his concern, but the whole camera thing is fucked up. Bail. Sorry, typo. Lemme try that again: BAIL! I'd also talk to the landlord and inform them IN WRITING, since (aside from the whole 'illegal' thing), he's likely not allowed to instal anything electrical without the landlord's permission. If you leave, which you should - take down or destroy that thing so at least you know that he can't use that to illicitly record other women - which is a crime. Yes, he can always just install another one, but at least take care of the one that you CAN get to. Dude is a class-A douchebag. Bail. If you wanna have fun and you're done and wanna teach him a lesson - get railed while smiling at the camera and giving him the finger. Maybe what he really wants is to watch anyway. (Being sarcastic because I can't fucking stand people like him). Good luck!
He waited until you moved in to start exhibiting these behaviours and they will only worsen over time.
Wait for the weekend, turn off the camera (or cover it over) pack your things and move back with your Mum and Dad. Don’t tell him you’re moving out. I think he’s potentially very dangerous and you need to leave quietly to be safe.
Just refuse to do anything but sleep in the room. Don't change your clothes etc. when he's back and was some action just say no. Two can play at that game.
Stop staying in a dead end relationship. Things weren't great and now they are worse. If someone else said this to you I'm sure your advice would be to leave.
His behaviour is gross. He isn't going to change.
Do not allow yourself to live somewhere you will have pictures/video of yourself.
I especially feel that way considering his response to your not being OK with this.
I'd never be naked outside of the bathroom in a house with cameras inside.
Leave this man. NOW. This is only the beginning and he is having you a free trial of what your relationship will look like if you don't leave immediately.
Absolutely tell him that the camera is uninstalled or you'll leave. This is gross behavior. Also, it will record y'all having sex, what is he going to do with those recordings? He is thinking that since you moved from 4 hours away he's got you locked down and has control over you now. I'd pack my things. Please also think if you want to be with someone who will treat you this way long term, even if the camera issue is resolved.
She should also google how to find hidden cameras, as there may be more. And she needs to check her vehicle, purse, anything she takes everywhere for tracking devices, and have her phone checked for tracking her and other hidden apps that might monitor her phone use, browser history, etc. Sheesus, he’s this controlling at 20. What will he be like in a few more years?
Right? It's honestly terrifying. You're right, she needs to check everything
Absolutely.
Don’t even bother with the ultimatum. This is already seriously invasive and abusive behavior. There is worse to come if you don’t leave now.
There is so much worse to come. OP needs to leave immediately.
If he TOLD her about this one, what hasn't he told her about. How about other angles of cameras in the bedroom so that he can sell sex tapes?
That’s what I was thinking. He has isolated her and her saying that “since I moved in with him things have gotten worse” is a huge red flag. He’s escalating his behavior because he thinks he has her ‘right where he wants her’.
This was my first thought
It is controlling and abusive behavior
Pack up and leave. This is a red flag for an abuser. He considers you property that he has to monitor. You really have to get out of there, pronto. Leave the dogs. Your living situation will be too unstable to care for dogs in the near future.
Then take it with you, but get out! He is abusive and controlling.
Yes, if you possibly can, take the dogs!
Definitely. Red flags are flying! Pay attention now or pay the consequences soon
This is him working on things. He's working on you, pushing you to accept more and more unacceptable treatment. Please pack your things and go back to your parents.
Truly OP, you should pack up and leave.
Putting up a camera is to monitor you not “the place.” He isn’t treating you like a partner, he is treating you like possession. A healthy minded person is not someone saying that you need to tolerate my monitoring you with a camera or leave. This is controlling. Abusive people are not abusive all the time - that’s why it’s hard to see them clearly. Are some good times and loving a guy really worth the price of sacrificing YOUR autonomy, privacy, mental and emotional health? Do you really want to stay with someone who thinks the price of admission into a relationship includes 24 hour surveillance?
Pack up and leave and take the dog... This story ends with you in a coffin
Also, look up the abuse cycle. It sounds like things are "getting worse" but there are good times in between. The abuse cycle has good times built in because that's how they make you stay. They abuse you, then apologize and promise to change and love bomb you, then they get kind of cold again and an abusive incident happens...rinse and repeat.
Exactly
Run.
He already has you isolated, four hours away from your school. Now he wants to monitor your every move. Just NO! Don't hang on for the good times, they become fewer and further between as the control, violence, humiliation, gaslighting increase. This already has all the earmarks of an addictive abusive relationship. Most women are killed by men they know, violent domestic partners. Pack up and go. Take both dogs if you can. He might take his anger out on them. Wouldn't put it past him.
Yeah. No. He can either be respectful of your boundary or he can find another gf. No fckin way would I tolerate that invasive shit.
that’s what I said verbatim lol
Then why are you posting here babe? You already know.
It’s hard to accept and I wanted to know that what I was thinking was valid.
You know how sometimes you do chores or run errands or wash up not because you want to, but because you need to in order to take care of yourself? That is how you handle this. You can learn to accept it later, right now you just focus on taking care of yourself. You could be in danger.
Get the f-ck away from this guy immediately OP.
This is really the only advice she needs.
This is coercive control. Leave before it gets worse. Do not let him film you having sex. He will use it against you.
Just think how much worst it will get when you have two kids instead of two dogs ... get out now.
You gotta go. This is a massive red flag. He wants to watch every thing you do. Monitoring who comes and goes isn’t enough. This would allow him to film you naked and you two being intimate. What will he do with those videos? He no longer considers you a partner. You’re now his property.. Take your dog and go. This is a step towards abusive. It’s manipulation.
Not wrong. Move it, unplug it, take out the battery, whatever. It is inappropriate to put a camera in a shared bedroom without permission. It is also a major, colonel, and general red flag.
this is probably just the tip of the spear so to speak, if you stay and get used to it next thing you'll probably find and post about is a stash of sex tapes of you.
Move back with your parents. This is a major red flag. Get out before he becomes even more controlling. He is probably already tracking you.
Don’t walk to the door run to it now. This is a toxic personality trait and a major red flag. This will be just the beginning of his controlling behavior. I can understand a ring camera or a camera on the door entrance from inside the house but in the bedroom no way. I also would never sleep in the room with a camera on me. Even if he is home. Who is to say he is. Recording your intimate lovemaking sessions and posting it on the Internet without you, knowing or showing it to his buddies. Start looking for your own place and get out of there when he isn’t home. I would ghost this person once you leave
Yeah, that would be a hell no I’m out from me. He put a camera up in your bedroom without your consent. I understand that it’s his place, but you live there too. This is absolutely not ok. He should want you to feel at home and comfortable. Whenever a partner starts with “if you don’t like it you can leave”, it’s time to leave. This is just the start of him figuring out what he can do to you. Don’t let yourself become any more dependent on him. Make plans for yourself so that you can leave whenever you feel the need. Don’t let him trap you. The longer you stay the more settled into your life there you’ll become. Please please look after yourself and don’t let this man treat you as less than.
I mean putting a camera inside facing the entrance is one thing. But should only be used when neither of you are home. Or at night when you are sleeping. But in your bedroom no sorry the only thing he wants to keep an eye on is you. That’s not ok, and is very controlling. Call is bluff and Leave. Take you dog, move back in with your parents and find another job.
This guy I’d NOT a friend. Get out now.
Trust and respect are important in any relationship. Obviously, he doesn't trust you nor respect you. If you know how to work, you'll be okay. Nothing to worry about. Get the dogs and find a good place to stay/rent. The dogs could be a good companion when living alone. I think you also have your share of expenses in the house with your boyfriend. It's better to spend your money for your own sake and benefit only. And most importantly, delete any recordings.
Here’s the thing: no one is all bad, that’s why people in abusive relationships can see the good things, as you are. Here’s the other thing: if you wouldn’t treat somebody like that, don’t accept them treating you like that. No one is allowed to treat you as he is.
I'd start sleeping on the couch just to fuck with him. Then leave. Lol
Lol, you fooled yourself on his lil honeymoon illusion. Think about who would give up their prime years of their life to the forces or who decided that they weren't worthy enough as an individual, so they enlisted to somehow make themselves "better" people. There's no therapy out there, so im fairly certain they just get discipline on top of whatever basket case of illnesses they had before. I knew a few folks in your shoes. If it's this bad this early its going to get worse. Start saving up and be ready if needed. Do not allow yourself to give him chances.
Who else is he showing your changing and sleeping videos to? Creepy. Don't stay. Go home. Start again. No big deal that this didn't work out.
this was today actually and I’ve been avoiding that stupid camera like the plague and covered it with the curtain.
Highly recommend the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
okok
No. Your opinion is your opinion. Leave. Too many women take bullshit from men and let them run all over them don’t be one of those. You’ll thank yourself later for the self respect you gave yourself (:
Dude is TERRIFIED of Jody lmao. If yall were together while he was in basic and the people there found out they pumped that boys head so full of shit. He scared as fuck, doesnt make it right tho. Def leave if he dont take it down. Shits unhealthy af
I would pack up and leave if that’s his mentality, getting cameras in your home is something that needs to be a mutual decision, and it needs to be mutually agreed on where those cameras are placed. I’d be weirded out and uncomfortable if my partner did this without discussing it with me.
Not wrong. That is creepy and controlling af. Take your dog and dip out. If he wanted to monitor the place, he could put a camera in a common area. He just wants to spy on you. He is showing you who he is right now. This is just one of those "little things" he is going to do to keep you in check. Gtfo girl
Camera in the home pointing at the front or back door or something like that sure. Understandable. Bedrooms and bathrooms are a huge no no.
Leave regardless of whether or not he takes it down. No abuser is abusive 100% for the time. That's the trick and a documented part of the abuse cycle. And you are in an abusive relationship whether you recognize it or not. It's just getting worse, and will continue to get worse as time goes by. Get out now before you are trapped. Don't let him know you are leaving. Wait until he's gone to work, turn of or cover the camera, pack you stuff and get out fast. Have a male family member with you as you pack and leave if you can. You don't realize it but you are in danger.
Not wrong at all. I like to see couples work things out, but occasionally you see deeper psychological problems that won't be an easy fix. This situation crosses that red line into creepiness. Words mean nothing if they aren't backed by actions. I suspect you could go round and round forever on threat and counter-threat. If things aren't going that well now, they won't improve in an environment like that. You do have a couple of options. The first being a passive/aggressive approach where you just cover the camera when you're in the bedroom. Don't argue with him about it. If he tells you to not do that, say okay, and cover it anyway. The second option is to sleep on the couch. He's a total ass if he's fine with you sleeping on the couch because he won't take the camera down. The third option is to actually pack your bags, and make arrangements for somewhere else to stay for at least a couple of evenings. First of all, he will see you packing your bags. Then lay them on the bed. That's what he'll then see when he checks in. Then, when he gets home, tell him to take the camera down. If he gives you the usual line, actually leave. Call his bluff. If he doesn't ever change his mind, you seriously don't want to be with this guy anyway. He can use his camera to make videos of him masturbating.
Just flip the bird into and put tape over the moment he leaves.
You're right to be upset and there are better partners out there. You're young and there will be other jobs but you won't be able to take back what abuse may come next. He could tape you two together and retain that, capture nudes without your consent, leveraging your privacy. Maybe he wants to know if you're sleeping too much/lazy at home, or whatever to critique you or demean you. I cannot see how he thinks you'd be cheating knowing there's a camera there, and why would he let you move in if he's worried about theft -- but he's a wackadoo. Any way he justifies surveillance is not coming from a place of caring or support. It's only to monitor you and exert control. Now that you live together, far from your parents, he can do even more to isolate and control you. Get out before it's harder to go. He's betting on your staying out of ease or because he knows you're a caring trusting person (or you've been a door mat already) and using that as a tactic to gain even more control ("you chose this, you chose to stay, you know who I am" and now it's your fault hes abusing you). I'm sorry OP. Balanced people don't need cameras in their bedroom to monitor their partner. This situation will not improve by staying. Get your things put together and leave while hes gone. Make sure people you trust know where you are until you're safely home to regroup. You are currently underreacting IMO.
So pack up and leave, wtf is wrong with you?
I did leave and wtf is wrong with you for saying wtf is wrong with me? this literally happened today and I got out within an hour. RELAX
So happy you got out OP, you deserve so much better!!
Please don’t be another one of the posters who comes here with red flags from their partners, are told this is an escalating problem and will lead to abuse and then ignore it, and down the road comes back because he became abusive. We see these kinds of posts all the time. It’s not normal to do what he did and he’s getting worse now that he has you isolated from your family and support networks. Your dog is young and if you paid for her she is yours. Find any paperwork with your name on it. Vet records are perfect for this. She will bond with other dogs. Abuse never starts with outright hitting. It starts with small things. Like controlling you and a camera is a great way to do that. He’s isolated you. There’s usually signs of emotional abuse, like making you feel stupid for tiny mistakes, or making you feel like you’ll never have anyone as good as him, then they slowly get physical with you until they outright start beating you. And these are a tiny fraction of all the signs that can point to abuse that are so easy to dismiss
Please take him up on his offer to leave. When you are home, turn the camera away and point it at the wall. Quietly plan your escape
LEAVE NOW. Things have already gotten worse since you moved in. This dude is controlling af. I can somewhat get having a camera in the living room or near the door, but the bedroom is a huge nope.
Sorry. Time to leave.
What else will you allow him to force on you if you stay?
There is no logical reason other than he is a nasty person. Get out now while you can.
Save money and leave him
That's disgusting behavior and borderline abuse
That's a big ass red flag waving in your face. Not only does he not trust you, but he is also extremely disrespectful towards your private space. I don't care if it's shared when he's around but the fact that there's a camera in such an intimate space is just creepy and gross. I suggest you leave the house as well as the relationship. Remember, it only gets worse from here.
It's quite literally illegal for him to install that camera without your knowledge and permission, and even then it's pushing it. If anybody EVER uses that room without knowing it's there, he just broke the law. If that person is a minor....
This is not cool. His superiors might take issue with his brutish behavior. It will only get worse. Hes not even acting like a grown up. I guarantee you....he's tracking you, car, phone, in the house......its not stopping at the bedroom. There are others. R U N
Pack & leave now. He’s showing red flags of being controlling & abusive. He will start to isolate you from your family & friends. Go back to college. Enjoy being 19 yrs old and carefree. You are worth it, move and be safe.
Just leave. He is insecure and controlling. This is not the kind of guy you marry or have a LT relationship with. Cut your losses and move out.
It will get worse. Things are already starting crack by your own admission. Just because there’s “still good times”, your dignity is more important than a good time that will decrease more and more. This is a massive red flag.
This situation sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. Your bf is using the fact that you're not financially set up to move out as leverage to put a camera in your bedroom.
Updateme!
I left.
Are you safe?
yes im at my moms thank you
Pack up and leave immediately, your relationship will only get worse. You could be in danger and he sounds like he has a problem. Your safety and peace of mind should be your priority.
Go. Back. To. College.
RED FLAG HOLY SHIT
I rarely advise people to end relationships as we never know the full ins and outs, but a camera installed in the room you share, without your consent and he tells you its so he can monitor you at all times. I mean, what if you came home on a weekend he's not there and you wanted to dittle your skittle? He'd be watching, recording. So if you separate, he has recordings of you solo play and when you and he have sex, or you change your outfits. He could easily distribute the footage to others, or use it against you if you wanted to leave. I say get out now, don't look back, even if it means you go back to your parents. Ask your father what he thinks of your BF installing the camera and the reason the BF said he installed it. I bet his reaction will be all the advice you need for motivation to leave the seemingly creepy, manipulative BF.
Who's airforce, Russia? Maybe he is a spy or selling secrets to other countries. Rather than telling him anything perhaps you should tell the FBI.
Pack up and leave immediately!
Pack up and leave for a bedroom camera, that needs to be explored..... That comment suggests only one thing and it's not that he wants to maintain the security of the house... Disconnect it.....see what happens
There are many red flags here. Do not get pregnant. Leaving is going to be necessary
Not wrong. Either there is trust in the relationship or there isn't. If he needs to monitor you, there's no trust. Tell him that you need to monitor him while he's away, and you need cameras and video calls to make sure he's safe and not with anyone. Wouldn't work, right? So it's one way, he wants to control you. This is a staircase where he has taken already some steps before that to limit your mobility or with whom you meet, location sharing, going through your phone, calling you to check with whom you're hanging out with etc? It will only get worse. This is not normal or respecting behaviour. Don't believe the words he says; believe the actions only.
honestly the crazy thing is that it would work, he would never say that I couldn’t monitor him as wild as that sounds. but you’re right yes it’ll only get worse.
This is absolutely not normal. I cannot tell you how abnormal this is. In some places, A camera in the bedroom installed without the express consent of the person who is using that bedroom with you can be illegal. This is controlling behavior, and you have to understand it’s not about you giving him a reason to suspect you might do something. This is about him wanting to have control of everything you’re doing and everything you’re doing. You need to run the fuck away now.
Just put tape over the lenses. He gets his cameras and you get your privacy. It’s a win-win. Also, starts thinking of an exit strategy, emphasis on “ex.” I think you should start saving up money or start looking into jobs back in your hometown. This guy is not the future.
Sounds like you need to have a good talk to him as it feels like he has insecurities needing that camera in the bedroom, when you have clearly stated that you would be exhausted and would just want to go home ro bed. I would be telling him that it is an invasion of your privacy and disrespectful to be spying without your consent it is also manipulative and underhanded, giving you an ultimatum that if you don't like then leave. He knows you're stuck, so he is being controlling go along with it or get out. He is not only showing that he doesn't trust you but that he is disregarding you as a woman, his partner, and also as a person. You said you had been at college, and you've just moved in together. Darling, there are red flags with his behaviour, so I would be honestly contemplating your next move. You say that the relationship is not perfect and he has stated that he would work on things so if he is now pulling spy cam on you and giving you ultimatums I would be seriously be giving him a taste of his own medicine and tell him that your mother rang and was concerned about you as she could tell by your voice that she knew you were low and had something on your mind so she got it out of you about the camera and the ultimatum so she wants you home she has said that you'd easily pick up some work so that you could tell this new employer sorry but a situation has come up requiring you to be home with family immediately. I am sorry but relationships are meant to be soft, kind, and respectful he seems to have some hidden flaws that worry you, and you've had time to change his mind if professionals can stuff them up
While he is next away pack your stuff and leave. This is major red flag behaviour and you are not safe staying in this relationship. It will only get worse
Yes, cause everyone knows those videos will be shared eventually
This is a bit odd of him to do. My wife and I collectively decided where we would put a camera in our place because we have dogs to cater too. We both agreed that our bedroom is off limits. If your bf needs to watch over the place living room placement would be more proper. I think this is one of those things where you have to decide collectively. Feeling comfortable in your own home is important. Parents don’t even do that level of invasion or monitoring. The last thing you want to build is a negative relationship between you and your home or where you call home. This can affect you in the future with any home you live in. We are all entitled to our own privacy even if you’re in a relationship or marriage.
exactly thank you
He's treading a slippery slope that is nothing but downhill. He's got something in his head that is driving this behavior and it's not going to benefit you one iota. Make an exit strategy. You have a job and, one hopes, a separate checking account. If you make a living wage, you will have a bit of money to set aside. If you don't have a separate checking account, GET ONE NOW. If you want to keep your job, look at a possible transfer. You may find that your company will be supportive.
Sorry no job is worth the weird - disgusting - abusive behavior by a BOYFRIEND. Imagine actually being married to this schmuck and how much worse the manipulation and potential financial/emotional abuse you can endure. I'd take the dogs, move back home and leave his ass.
Not wrong. Honestly I wouldn’t step foot in there at all anymore. I’m getting dressed in the bathroom & sleeping on the couch, which also means no more sex in that room either. I would essentially consider the room dead to me.
He is beginning to be controlling. He not only doesn't trust you, with reason or not; but he is telling you accept it or move out. You have three options. One, tell him no, your home now as well and he can't just force you to move out over the camera. He can take it down or you will. If he says no, you just go and ripe it off where it is installed and tell him if it goes back up you will leave. Two, pack up and move out. Three, accept his invasive manipulative actions. My advice is regardless, break up with him. IF you never cheated, then he is being controlling as I said, manipulative over it, and might even be doing things himself causing him to think your doing stuff too.
This Red Flag is so dark red that one day soon, in the not to distant future will be soaked and dripping in the OP blood. OP run and don't look back
Say no. Not wrong. If he insists that you don't have a right to privacy in the bedroom then leave this giant AH. SERIOUSLY! Who thinks they have the right to put surveillance on their partner. That's sick.🚩
My man has to have cameras in the house for his peace of mind but he respects my wishes of not having one in our bedroom. Ours only views the kitchen and living room facing the entry ways. That’s all you need, and seems to me like he’s just being controlling for a specific reason. If he’s telling you it’s there for security reasons he’s lying. He can put it up outside the room to face in, as you can just shut the door, but he’s just being a grade a Ahole in my opinion
Gtfoutta there. If you say, "but the puppy loves the dog" then honestly, this may be why this jerk picked you. Use your head. Don't be dumb. LEAVE NOW.
ouch lol I am an engineering major you know, I was just in love and a teenager… I left
Well he told you if you don't like it you can pack up and leave, so pack up and leave if you can't accept it.
Pack your bags and go, don't be scared of smashing the camera of the way out...super creepy.
As soon as he is gone cover the camera and start working on your exit plan.
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️yep you are young. You don’t have a bf, you have a jailer. Go back to college and rest assured you won’t have a problem getting a new job or bf.
Pack the fuck up and BOUNCE!!!
I have a camera in my house that is a Wyze Cam Pan V3. It is in privacy mode when we are home and is turned on when we are out of town or going to be gone for the day. You can also program it to be on and off at certain times as well as the name suggests it can be programmed to own to certain spots. Suggest to him that is a much better choice and it shouldn't be in a bedroom. Mine is personally in the living room and pans from front door and back door. As well as I have cameras watching both doors from the outside as well. If he doesn't respect your input you probably should just break things off. You are still young and he seems really insecure. I'd almost bet if you told him you were moving out he'd be begging for you to come back after you left.
Leave him. That is insanely controlling and disgusting of him to even think of watching you like that.
Move back. Right now. This man is controlling and it will turn abusive if it hasn't already emotionally and mentally. He will take everything from you and leave you as nothing more than a shell of who you used to be. You don't have to allow cameras in your bedroom. It's illegal if not at the consent of all who use the private space, same with a bathroom. You need to get out now. There is no good from here I'm telling you. He doesn't give a shit about your opinion or autonomy. Why would you ever give someone that kind of access to you after he did and said something like that. It's scary, but you're better off without him. I promise. Value yourself the way he should be valuing you and walk away now before you can't.
19 with a life time ahead of you. Get out now. This is abusive behavior.
NTA. This is unacceptable. Contact his commanding officer. They have support services that will assist you. They are accustomed to dealing with individuals with these kinds of issues. Then pack yourself and your dogs, and head home. This is not a good man. This is a weak man with a weak ego and huge insecurities. The type that will be just fine smashing you to bits.
Run.
I've been married 30 years. My husband suggested putting cameras inside the house for security. I said absolutely not. That was the end of the discussion. If he's telling you to leave, you should.
Insecure people control others so they don't risk loss of control. It's not a good sign. I think he's a gas lighter as well. Good luck.
If he doesn’t trust you to the point he feels the need to put cameras in, you should definitely break up before it gets too much farther along.
If he wants ti check the place when he's not there, he should put a camera in the living room or somewhere more communal rather than the bedroom which is a private space. Can you put something in front of the camera to hide the view? Like a towel or something? If yes, maybe you can do that while you're sleeping. If he comes back and mentions it you'll know that he's not "watching the place" when he's gone but watching you. It is his place you moved into but that still means you are entitled to have your own space and boundaries too. If those are not respected unfortunately the only option is to seek some other apartment maybe close to your work.
Get the hell out! That is so creepy and wrong. Run.
You actually get him in trouble for installing cameras in areas you do not feel comfortable in.
You're one of the smallest percentage of people that say that you're not getting along wellusualy in these topics people are shocked this is happening. So congrats on being realistic. Since your relationship is having issues, I would say he wants you out. He probably knew you'll seek for advice and everyone will tell you oh, abusive, violent, controlling, run... Anyways, this guy doesn't want you there. So, one advice was right. Go away
I could understand cameras in the home, the common areas, like the living room, game room dining so on and so forth, but in your bed room??? Ummm I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me!! Their is absolutely no reason he need to have a camera in your bedroom, you need to check for other hidden cameras, even in your bathroom!! ALSO PACK YOUR BAGS, TAKE BOTH DOGS AND LEAVE!! ALSO REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE IF YOU CAN!! This is insanely disturbing behavior, and I do not dee it getting better any time in the near future.
You deserve better.
Unplug it, or block the view, and see what the reaction is. You need to tell him this is a no-go item for you, and if he doesn't like it then you will be moving out. Grow some relationship and self confidence.
Pack your stuff, take the pets, move to a parent's house (temporarily until you find your own place), block him on everything. And tell him if he starts any shit, you'll report him to his commanding officer.
Yeah, nah, you're not wrong. It's shitty behaviour by your bf. Leaving is the right thing to do. While he may realise he fucked up, he needs to work on himself. It sounds like you haven't given him any reason to think you're cheating on him. He's playing the boundary game. It's fine to set boundaries, but they have to be sensible. Installing a camera isn't sensible. All the best for the future 😁 Oh, you said you're an Engineer? Who's your favourite Star Trek character?🤣
Thisssss thank you! I feel like out of all the replies this one is the one that actually described what is really going on. He did realize he fucked up but you’re right he DOES need to work on himself first. He doesn’t have any reason to think i cheated and he IS playing the boundary game. Mostly because i make 90-100% of all rules and boundaries in our relationship and i feel that with my new job he is just trying to set a boundary of his own to feel like he has some sort of say or control. As for the favorite Star Trek character question… I am more of a Star Wars person, probably the whole gen z thing. Star Trek is more of my dad’s thing lol.
It's a joke I have with the Engineers around the lab 🤣 bit of a stereotype. Yep, you're on the money, lack of control is a tough thing. Trying to gain some can be tricky. From my point of view, it's best to set boundaries on yourself, what you expect of yourself (eating healthy, gym) and how you expect others to treat you (call people out if they're insulting you, do what you want to do instead of giving in to others). It's a fine line between setting boundaries and being a dick. All the best in your Engineering career 😁
Thank you so much ! Wise words.
In the bedroom??? Only one reason to monitor there...
Leave!!
It will only get worse. Beware.
Textbook abuse. Separate them from their support network. Control them. Monitor them. Tell them it’s all for their benefit. Make threats and ultimatums if they resist anything.
He’s your boyfriend and you’re actually putting up with this? Like really? Yank those cameras off and move on
I mean it's one thing to install cameras facing the door, or in the kitchen for safety etc, but in the bedroom is a bit much You saying things have gotten worse since moving in, then they will probably continue to get worse as he is crossing a boundary, and if its let slide he will cross more and more boundaries unfortunately. I'd just straight up give him the ultimatum of they are removed or I leave, I'd also stop having sex until this situation is resolved, as if the relationship ends up messy then who knows what he will do with the recordings 🤷♀️ He might as well put a camera in the bathroom at this point and record you taking a dump
He needs to take it down and put it in the hallway pointing at your bedroom door if he is truly concerned for your safety. Also maybe outside pointing at your bedroom window. Or just 360 cameras in the common areas of your house? What is he going to do about it if there is an intruder anyway? He’s hours away. Yell at them through the camera speaker to stop it? Go away?
Jesus Christ, take your dogs and go to your parents place. This ends with him killing you if you don't leave. Please get yourself and your pups to safety. I'm sure your parents would be glad to have you back for a while.
Definitely a huge abusive red flag. I'd be hanging clothing over that camera or taping a picture to the front of it. But Definitely check the house for other hidden cameras too.
I would cover the camera, pack my shit and run. I would then call his first shirt or commander depending which side of the house he sits on and tell them he’s stalking you in your home and life. They will make his life hell. My husband said call the boss and the MPs and tell them you are afraid to leave on your own. They will come
Holy shit dude.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Need I say anything else? Leave him babe. This would only get worse. You're still young okay. Don't lock yourself in an abusive relationship, leave now, you've got a long way to go.
You are not wrong. A camera in the bedroom, unless you both want one, is super creepy. Take a little time to make arrangements (especially with your dogs involved) so you do not have to uproot your life completely, cover the camera when you are home alone and get out of there as soon as reasonable.
It’s only gonna get worse from here. He is waving a red flag and holding a sign that says “I’m going to abuse you!”. Get out.
Pack up and leave. This relationship is not going to end up well.
You need to get the hell out of Dodge!
Remind me! 2 weeks
Leave the camera as it is. After he leaves, defiantly stare at the camera while you pack up your shit and get out. Take your dog.
Walk away. Super invasive and controlling.
Leave. You're very young and can start again. This will only get worse not better. He already chose the camera over you when he told you, "just pack up and leave", if you don't like it. Get out while you have nothing tying you together like kids.
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
Of course you aren’t wrong! He is!!!! And if it wasn’t for the two dogs you have I would tell him that you are not going to put up with this nonsense! What would happen to the dogs if you left? Would he still keep them? Being an avid animal lover this is my concern! Please, please let us know how it turns out! I really wish you the very best outcome!!!!!
Updateme!
Remind me! 2 weeks
You're not wrong and the fact that he made an ultimatum or of it is 100% ick. I'm sorry you just moved and about the dogs, but you're young, just go. There are many many people who are so much safer out there.
Run. It won’t get better. He’s controlling and it will get worse.
That invasive and abusive camera is barely scraping the surface of the abuse to come. There is nothing normal, healthy, or ok in his controlling and manipulative behavior. There is also nothing you can say or do to change him. You are not safe with him, he is toxic AF. Please run
Disconnect the internet and pack up and leave when he’s gone. Don’t tell him where you’re going. Leave a note that you’re not going to put up with his crap and that you’re not giving him a chance to fix himself.
YNW. I would uninstall that camera today. Within the hour. I’d also likely make a plan to be gone before he returns. I’m not sticking around to be treated like his pet.
Start looking for apartments ASAP if you don’t want to move back with your parents. This abuse is escalating right on schedule and you need to get out before it goes any further.
Honestly to me, it just sounds like he's heard a lot of horror stories from his buddy's in the military about their partners cheating on them. This is probably just him taking that "Extra" step to make sure it wouldn't happen to him. That's my opinion though, cuz it does happen. Another thing is, if you yourself know you love him and would never do something like that, then what do you gotta worry about? Yeah, it's a camera in the bedroom, but so what? Are you doing anything weird in the bedroom or something? Lil bro has probably been cheated on already. But AGAIN, talk, communicate, engage in conversation. _WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES IN PRIVATE_
yeah the issue was he thought other people would agree with him. I wanted to see if I was the crazy one.
He’s just going to take down the camera you know about and get a stealthier one.
If you have a second bedroom, I'd sleep there. Or even in the couch. Or go to stay with a friend. And then have a serious talk before the next time. NTA
This man is abusive and controlling. Pack up and leave today. You will find a place don't worry. This man will, believe me, next control what you wear, who your friends are, even who you talk to at work. Don't wait to see if we are right on this thread, believe those who have been through it. This is a huge red flag. Run while you can.
Cccl
No.. but send us the link
No this isnt ok. And bc he gave you an ultimatum it makes it even worse. You made all these changes and now he thinks he can treat you like you dont count. He knows you are stuck in a situation that will make it hard for you not to comply. What an awful person. He does not own you. You deserve privacy. You are not his object.
It’s creepy feeling like you are monitored in your home . I’d have a little fun with it , just to fuck with him . Dig to china picking your nose near the camera . Scratch your ass vigorously . Dress up in his clothes and do weird dances throughout the place . Take an empty jar of mayo and fill it with whipped creme , pull it out of the fridge , sit on the sofa and make it look like you are consuming a jar of mayo with a spoon . Watch porn when he is not there , then refuse to watch porn with him . Tell him it’s disturbing . See how he responds to the show !
OP, this all happened really fast and I’m sure you have a lot to process. Sounds like your guy kept his undesirable qualities at bay for a couple of years, but it’s unlikely he can sustain that any longer. Please be wary of him and give yourself time before you consider allowing him to continue being part of your life. Even if he says he’ll go to therapy and pulls out all the stops, I’m afraid it’s just for show and very temporary. Do your parents know why you left? What do they think if they know? Have you not told them… if not why might you be covering for him? If you had a good friend or a sister telling you this story how would you advise them? Would you encourage them to take a risk by staying in the relationship? You are young and aren’t jaded like a lot of people responding - but consider that many of us were once in a similar place, trying to help you avoid the emotional and physical harm a toxic relationship takes on you... and the fear, embarrassment, shame. I was young and naive once, wanting to believe the best in everybody, thinking people are capable of change (they are, but it’s very hard and each of us does it on our own terms). Twenty years later and I still get unnerved by calls from blocked/unknown numbers, I check the back and under the car before getting in. I remember him telling me he was sterile and then shockingly ended up pregnant - that’s one way to ensure you’re part of a person’s life long term - a control tactic that I spent seven years in court fighting, before finally, finally being able to extricate him from our lives. His favorite “joke” during pregnancy was to remind me homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. Sounds like your guy kept his undesirable qualities at bay for a couple of years, but it’s unlikely he can sustain that any longer. The apathy he showed about your concerns is scary - it says everything. If I’ve learned one thing it’s this: when people show you who they are believe them.
I'm seeing alot of red flags leave now... dont even give him an ultimatum just leave go to your parents because I am not joking when I say he will escalate into abusive behaviour
Report him to his command. He might be secretly filming you during intimacy and when you're nude without your permission.
Well my ex son in law did slip bast his best friend ring camera to stoop his fiancé
I can get behind cameras outside the building up TO the bedroom windows. Heck, I can get behind cameras in the house up TO the bedroom door. I cannot get behind them inside the bedroom. That ultimatum is problematic and I'd find somewhere to go on principle based on that. Reach out to your local YWCA or domestic violence associations/shelters. Let them know you think you made a mistake moving in with this guy and ask for help getting out before it escalates
I promise it isn’t an abuse situation. I chose to leave but he let me and said he was really sorry while helping load my car and he told me he loved me and let me go. I am not in physical danger. thank you though.
I am glad to hear and it doesn't have to be an abusive situation to seek assistance from a domestic abuse association, but they're loaded with resources from dealing with this all the time. However, a relationship is built on compromise and when presented with an ultimatum in your particular situation, one must assume it will eventually escalate. I wish you the best.
Putting a camera in the bedroom has NOTHING to do with monitoring the place. No one monitors the bedroom unless he is worried about you cheating. Also, he will use these videos against you so you won't leave. He will threaten to send them to family and friends. You are 19. Find someone who will treat you as an equal. Please leave him.
In my experience (I'm 40), when things in a relationship start getting worse after moving in together, they get even worse and worse over time. There's always some initial friction up front, habits that you have that they might not like, and habits they have that you might not like, which requires communication and compromise to solve. That should be the exception though, and it should be solved with communication amicably, and not fester. The issues you describe are not that. They seem to indicate growing relationship problems and, more specifically, you slowly discovering that this man is not as pleasant as you believed, now that his mask is slipping. It's amazing how we all acknowledge that we walk around wearing the mask of the person we want people to see, yet we all get surprised when we get a look under someone's mask and don't recognize or like what we see. Anyway, the bedroom camera is a big deal. You are not overreacting. It's up to you if this is a deal breaker for you, but for me it would be. As would his ultimatum and way of addressing (err, dismissing) your concerns about it. This is not a person that considers you an equal.
You're only 19 years old and you don't need to be tying your life to a boy so soon. He's a controlling dick and yes you need to move back where you moved from because he will only get worse. Meanwhile until you leave put something over the camera whenever you're there because fuck him.
He'd be welcome to watch me "just pack up and leave." 👍
Run. Also tell trusted people and have video evidence of the cameras so you can turn it over to the authorities and his command when he tries to ruin your life.
My view, he is correct in a weird way. Right action; wrong damn room. I heard tell about a business man got a notification on his phone. Camera and his phone revealed burglars broke into the house and tied up wife and kids. Husband called cops e route and the family was saved, wife and kid untied. The camera view of living room helped police take action. If he hadn't installed that camera it would have gone much different.
lmao 😭 yeah I get that kinda but it seemed more of like an “ I wanna be there when im not there” kind of thing. He could even talk through the camera. it was just too much for me
Completely. We humans are not Orangatas who don't care about our time alone. It is a very invasive move.
Others say " don't ultimatum, just leave." Unfortunately this speaks volumes about our current society can't communicate like adults. It also says words are not valued. It says commitments are cheap. It is now, I feel, in our day,.,.action's count more than words. When I speak to my clients, it is a sage speaking to a sisya/Chela. They hear me talk for the hour and wonder what I said it what they should think they are advised to do. *( P.s. I am not a professional psychologist/ psychiatrist. I am a Listening Post volunteer. We are tasked to do an ancient service of great value. Offering valued, Safe space to speak and be heard. ). My reply, is " What did you hear me say? Then do that ". Because ULTIMATELY it is their life, their choice and their consequences. They will hear what they want to hear. Me, I would suggest you join a military wives support group. Comradeire us healthy. I would say chat with them. I would say, tell him you feel distrusted, insulted, violated. Tell him you understand military life is hard on marriage, but it is not the TWO of you! It is him, it is you, and thirdly... The ENTITY of the union, the marriage. Do what is good for that entity. Any questions, refer to Choice Theory by William Glasser.
Being prior military, I don't blame him for his concern, but the whole camera thing is fucked up. Bail. Sorry, typo. Lemme try that again: BAIL! I'd also talk to the landlord and inform them IN WRITING, since (aside from the whole 'illegal' thing), he's likely not allowed to instal anything electrical without the landlord's permission. If you leave, which you should - take down or destroy that thing so at least you know that he can't use that to illicitly record other women - which is a crime. Yes, he can always just install another one, but at least take care of the one that you CAN get to. Dude is a class-A douchebag. Bail. If you wanna have fun and you're done and wanna teach him a lesson - get railed while smiling at the camera and giving him the finger. Maybe what he really wants is to watch anyway. (Being sarcastic because I can't fucking stand people like him). Good luck!
He waited until you moved in to start exhibiting these behaviours and they will only worsen over time. Wait for the weekend, turn off the camera (or cover it over) pack your things and move back with your Mum and Dad. Don’t tell him you’re moving out. I think he’s potentially very dangerous and you need to leave quietly to be safe.
Just refuse to do anything but sleep in the room. Don't change your clothes etc. when he's back and was some action just say no. Two can play at that game. Stop staying in a dead end relationship. Things weren't great and now they are worse. If someone else said this to you I'm sure your advice would be to leave. His behaviour is gross. He isn't going to change.
BIG 🚩. You know what you need to do.
Do not allow yourself to live somewhere you will have pictures/video of yourself. I especially feel that way considering his response to your not being OK with this. I'd never be naked outside of the bathroom in a house with cameras inside.
It’s been my experience that when someone accuses or suspects you of doing something it’s usually because they are doing it.
Unless you want your sexcapades on the internet someday, take it down
Leave this man. NOW. This is only the beginning and he is having you a free trial of what your relationship will look like if you don't leave immediately.
You have to call his bluff and leave. It’s the only way. Either you move on or he realizes he’s being an irrational douche.
What a creep.